Original subtitles

Previously on desperate housewives...

Your spleen has wandered close to your heart.

We're gonna take it out.

Get your insurance figured out by then

There was the bad news

It's the cop I want you to talk to

His name is Solomon

The file on Noah�s daughter

The discomforting news

Thanks

Are you hiding someone in your house?

Tell me your secret, I'll understand

OK

and the news no one should know

But you tell me yours first

Once a month, the cr�me de la cr�me of Fairview society

would attend a semi-formal lunch at the home of Maxine Bennett.

Everyone loves these elegant get-togethers

Everyone that is,

but a certain red headed housewife who is convinced Maxine was a liar

You see, Maxine like to brag that she did all her own cooking

and because each course was served promptly,

presented with flare

and it was positively mouth watering

Bree knew Maxine had had some help

and sadly for Maxine...

Bree intended to prove it

Maxine, once again, this entire lunch is just out the swirl

I just have to get the number of your caterer

What a nice compliment.

No, I'm afraid this is all my doing

This was a triumph, an absolute triumph

Oh, come on, do you honestly expect us to believe

that you had the time to prepare a six-course meal for ten women

Even I couldn't make this and have time to get ready for a party

Well, perhaps you're just not as organized as I am

If you excuse me

Bree, what's got into you?

I have the same recipe for English plum pudding

It takes six hours to prepare

How would you have time to make all this and everything else that we ate today

This's not the pudding of an honest woman

FBI, open up

What on earth...

looking for a Maxine Bennett

I'm Maxine

We have a warrant. This is the premier's mail

A warrant? I'm in the middle of a luncheon

Over here

Found her

Maxine Bennett, you are under arrest,

for involuntary servitude

Is this the woman who locked you up?

Bree, what's going on?

Well, I'm not sure, but I think Maxine had a slave

I can't believe it, I just can't believe it

But Bree could

you see, for her

the proof was in the pudding

Desperate housewives Season 2 Episode 14

The world is filled with unlikely friendships

Odd pairings that to the casual observer

make absolutely no sense at all

But if we look closer,

we can see why these alliances formed

After all, a shared purpose can give even mortal enemies common ground

Bree,

we have a question for you

Oh, what is it?

Well, we were just wondering, actually, we were curious about...uh...

What the hell is going on with you and Betty Applewhite?

Yeah, that

Excuse me

Well, from the day that dead body showed up,

nobody was yelling 'oh, the Applewhites are involved other than you

and the next thing we know, you are having Betty over for poker?

What???

She makes it sound like we are angry, we are not angry

I'm a little angry

Can we talk about this later? I have ice-cream in here

Bree, could this flip-flop have something to do with

the fact that Daniel is dating Matthew?

Yeah, that would get her

Who told you that?

- Mrs. McClosky- she saw them making out in the park

- Eddie! - What?

Can't you sugar-coat a little?

I did, he had his hand down her shirt

Bree, we know that you have a good reason for wanting Betty to hang out with us

We just wondered if you could clue us in a little

When it comes to Betty Applewhite, I know what I'm doing

and you two are just gonna have to trust me

and if you can't do that,

then perhaps I've over-estimated the depth of our friendship

Now, if you excuse me

What a bitch!

- Eddie, can you ... - I was sugar-coating it

Oh, hey...none of that in ear

Come on, maybe if we are remind them I'm shacking up with a senior VP,

they'll stop killing all my pitches

You've only been here for a week, why don't you give yourself a break?

Honey, you know the ad game,

we got to serve amount of time before mockery kicks me into the curb

Look, I'm just asking you ...

jump in every once in a while, throw me some of the ??? on the work path

I can't protect you, you're gonna have to find a way to click with Ed yourself

And then the pig, he rubs on his stomach, and he goes...'

Farm Fresh Bacon? I'll make a piggy out of you too'

So...

the pig actually eats the bacon?

Uhuh, yeah

I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme

Well,Tom, why don't you pitch them the other idea you came up with last night?

You know, the one where people love bacon so much that they wanna keep it a secret?

What, like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?

Well, like my collage fraternity where,

you know, everybody wanted in, but we only take the coolest guys

You were Greek?

-Alpha Tau Megon ?? - I was Phi Kappa??

You?

And I don't remember you happened to be that cool to play JTO

Look, if I had a nickle for every fi-cap

that I tag 'naked' to a free way sign

Scavo, if you were my pledge, I'd make you my bitch

Oh, you think so?

You know what, I�m liking this whole fraternity ankle

Yeah, you know, let�s talk about it over lunch

You're buying

Go

Hello, what�s going on?

Gabrielle, I want you to meet someone

This is Xiao Mei

She's the young lady who's forced to work for Maxine Bennett

Oh, the slave

Wow,

looks well fed

The church is making arrangements for her to return to China

But until then, she needs a place to stay

So I offered her our guest room

Really?

Baby, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, you nuts

It's only for a couple of days

Oh, this time, you are quickly becoming Father Crowley's go-to guy for charity cases

And that's a bad thing?

When he turns our house into a catholic underground ??,YES!

You know who you are, Gabby?

You are the kind of person who'd turn away Mary and Joseph from the inn

Well, they should've called ahead

Don't brush your hair at the table

Are you talking to me?

Does this mean you've finally forgiven me?

Why should I? You've betrayed this family and you're not even sorry

Don't be such a drama queen

If the Applewhites go to the police

and tell them that your brother ran over Mrs. Solis,

he could go to prison.

How can you not understand that?

They won't talk about Andrew as long as you don't go to the police about Caleb

What does this Caleb do exactly?

And why on earth are they hiding him?

Why don't you go to Mrs. Applewhite

and tell her you really need to know what's going on?

I bet if you were really nice, she�d tell you the truth

Is that what you really think, Danielle?

I should go to Mrs. Applewhite

be nice and then she'll hand over all her secrets?

Yeah

When I was young, my stepmother told me that I was very lucky

I possessed beauty, wit, cunning and insight

These four weapons all women needed to survive in the world

So?

So take good care of your looks, Danielle

You don't have any other weapons at your disposal

Hi,

I need an operation on my spleen,

and I just found out that I ran out of medical insurance.

Is there anyone I can sue?

After the embezzlement Launy let the policy lapse

Now he's in jail, and I'm gonna die

Susie, you are not gonna die

I'll get into it with the insurance company

No, there isn't time for you to deal with the red tape

My spleen is going crinin into my heart

I need that operation now

I'd loan you the money myself

But Eddie and I just plopped down our savings since ski condo

I don't need a loan

I need coverage

I mean what if there are complications

I don't have a safety net

...please...

What in the hell are you doing?

I'm saying a little prayer

Uh, for puke sake

What? I'm desperate here, do you have any other ideas?

As a matter of fact, I do

What you need is a husband

What?

The only way to get a good health plan

is to marry into one

Eddie, come on

No, no, I think she's onto something

Yeah, if we find the guy with the right plan

you could have a sham waiting on a Monday night, and be

fully covered Tuesday morning

I can't believe you are actually considering this

The surgeon is slicing me open a week from tomorrow,

what other choice do I have?

All we have to do is to find a guy who's willing to marry you

You know, come to think of it,

a little prayer might not be such a bad idea after all

Pad, we are all here, so send the call in as soon as you get it

200 bucks says you can't do that three times in a row

You catch three of those,

200 bucks

What do you say there, Scavo?

You are on.

- Here we go. - Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Thrown by me.

I'm sorry, I thought we were here to talk about the farm fresh rollout?

They gotta be catchable, big guy.

You just let me worry about the shooting.

Come on.

- that's one. - Guys...

oh!

Nice moves.

One more, big guy.

Guys, please... that's--all right.

- Ow! - Oh!

ow.

that wasn't even catchable!

Yeah, well, maybe not.

But it's totally worth the 200 bucks. Ahh!

Whoo!

Well, you got me.

You're a regular little monkey man!

Oh, I love this guy.

Oh. Hi.

Do you have to sit around all day?

I mean, shouldn�t you be out experiencing western civilization

while you have the chance?

what are you doing?

I fix.

No, this is couture!

This rip has to be fixed by an experienced tailor.

You can't just...

holy crap! This stitching is perfect!

Hungry?

Did you make all of this?

Oh!

For me? Okay.

Oh, my god!

You like?

I like a lot.

you like that?

yeah, that's nice.

Do you know what they do to people in china who speak out against the government? Hmm?

They put them in forced labor camps.

Isn't that awful?

Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean? It�s such a repressive regime.

We forget how good we have it.

Yes, we do.

Don't you think xiao-mei would like it better herein America?

I mean, where she could learn about freedom and democracy and stuff?

Does this have anything to do with you making xiao-meido housework?

What?

I came downstairs this morning and found her waxing the floor.

She told me you asked her to put on two coats.

Well, first of all, that was her idea.

Second of all, I can't have this conversation until you've tasted her crab puffs.

Oh...

She just got done being a slave.

I mean, she wants to go back to china...

and we can't force her to stay here and be our maid.

Well, who�s forcing her? We'll pay her whatever she wants.

And the best part is, with her r�sum�?

any wage will look good.

No way, baby. Mnh-mnh.

What?

What? What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?

Oh, this isn't about me.

This is about our great nation.

And I have no intention of sexually satisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for

and help spread the ideals and values of the united states of America.

And sometimes she is a little hard to stomach, but she means well.

Well, that�s--

hi! Oh, here she is.

I came as soon as I got your message.

Is this... this is Gary Grantham

your future ex-husband.

- Wow, nice to meet you. - Hi.

Okay, listen, um, I've got to meet a client. I've got to go,

so just talk amongst yourselves, and

you two make a very handsome couple.

Oh. Yeah.

Uh,- hi.- hi.

So do you wanna get married on Wednesday?

'Cause Thursday and Friday I�m out of town.

Oh! Oh, yeah. Sure, that�s--Wednesday�s great.

I'm--I'm just curious...

how did Eddie convince you to do this so quickly?

Well, she explained your situation to me.

I'm sort of in need of a fake bride myself, so I figured,

what the heck?

Why would you need a fake bride?

Uh, I'm gay, and I've never come out to my mother.

- Really? - Yeah.

At first, I just didn�t want to upset her.

Then she got older, she got emphysema and diverticulitis,

and I started thinking, if I just kept my mouth shut,

then one day nature would take its course

and we could avoid what is sure to be a very ugly scene.

So what changed?

She told me at her81st birthday party last month,

the only reason she's hanging on is to see me get married.

Oh. Oh, so by marrying me...

yeah, I'd get my inheritance that much sooner.

No, but mostly, I wanna make sure she's happy.

well, you seem very nice, Susan.

Uh, it will be a pleasure being married to you.

Uh, likewise.

here, you can finish the rest of the fries.

Here's your mail

and your pills.

Ugh.

More pills?

Miss Tillman?

Hmm?

Where did this come from?

I don't know. It was in with your other mail.

Get me the phone.

Sullivan, it�s me.

I just got some news, and I need to get you involved.

Looks like Delfino's been holding out on me.

The next morning, Bree came up with a plan

to get to the truth she so desperately needed.

As she watched the Applewhites leave their house,

she thought of how much she had trusted the previous owners

and how much they...

had trusted her.

Caleb? Is that you?

hi.

I'm bree. I live down the street.

I'm a friend of your mother�s.

She's not home.

I know. Um...

I came to see you.

- Me? - Yes.

Your mother told me all about you and I thought it--

it might be nice if, um,

we had a little visit.

I brought you some homemade cobbler.

oh,la,la,la,la,la

right here. Follow the doughnut, people.

Here we go. We got some people. Come on, come on.

Hey, hey What's going on?

Well, um, Ed bet tom that he wouldn't eat a doughnut out of the toilet.

Isn't it disgusting?

unh-unh!

It's gotta be fully dunked.

Now, I don't want the glaze to repel the water.

Whoa, slight delay, people. I'm requesting a scrub down.

Does anybody know where they keep the toilet brush?

Just for one second, okay? Just for one second.

Hey, I never thought I'd have to ask you this,

but are you about to eat a doughnut out of the toilet?

Yeah!

For the Galveston jewelers account.

I don't care!

You're not gonna do this!

Look, Lynette, you're the one who told me to find a way to click with ed.

Well, now we've got our thing,

and it's paying off for me!

That's because ed gets off on humiliating you.

Please, don�t do this!

We're waiting, scavo!

This is my moment.

so, caleb, besides your mother and brother,

does anybody else know that you're here?

No.

You're pretty.

thank you. That�s very sweet.

So where have you been living this whole time? Upstairs?

No.

I just moved upstairs.

My room's downstairs.

Downstairs?

In the basement.

You wanna see it?

Caleb, have you been down here all these months?

Yeah.

Did your mother make you wear those?

Most of the time.

Oh, my god!

Sweetheart, I don't understand.

Why in the world would your mother treat you that way?

I hurt a girl.

A girl?

Yeah.

And then she died.

Oh.

Her name was Melanie.

She was pretty.

Just like you.

Hi.

I thought you should know, I�m getting married.

To the doctor?

No! No. Ha!

No, to--to a gay guy.

How did you know about the doctor?

People talk. So you--

you're marrying a gay guy?

I need health insurance,

um, 'cause I've got this wandering spleen and...

that sounds funny, "spleen wandering," but...

actually, it�s not funny 'cause it can bang into things...

so I need health insurance, so I'm getting married tomorrow.

And you probably think I�m crazy, right?

Well... can it wait?

Um, the surgery?

No.

It can't wait.

I guess it's really not that crazy.

how you doin', ma'am?

Susan, can you just give me a minute?

Oh, yeah. No, I'm sorry.

I--that was really... it.

What do you want?

It's not what i want, Delfino.

It's what Noah Taylor wants.

Where's his grandkid?

You know, let�s skip the part where you don't know anything about anything.

Mr. Taylor wants to chat.

What if I say no?

Then I've gotta find the kid myself,

and my guess is, he or she is somewhere around here close.

Your old girlfriend--

she's got a daughter, right?

Maybe I should start by paying her a visit...

her daughter's not the one.

Yeah, well, given your track record,

I might wanna check that out for myself.

Tell him I'll be therein the morning.

Oh!

So pretty.

You like nice things?

that's why I think you're stupid,

for not wanting to stay here.

You could be around my nice things all the time,

taking care of them...

how fun would that be?

Well, I�m sure it's a lot more fun than you'd have in that

tiny, godforsaken village of yours.

You know, we�re probably more alike than people would guess.

I'm from a small town, too.

My folks had nothing.

That's why I love America.

Anything is possible.

Oh...

hmm, you like that?

No.

An old, fat stockbroker gave this to me.

It's not worth anything. You can have it.

Oh...

oh!

It's okay. Glad you like it.

You can brush my hair.

Oh!

- Hi. - Hi.

Uh, this is the best I could do on such short notice.

- Okay. - Okay.

Oh, uh, Susan, this is, uh, my best man, Steven.

He's also my life partner.

Oh, hi. It's nice to meet you.

Baby, be--be nice. Come on.

I'm sorry you have cancer.

Cancer?

Isn't that the point of this whole charade?

Gary said you needed insurance.

Oh, yes. No, no, I do need insurance.

I just don't have cancer. I have A...

wandering spleen.

I said it was like cancer.

Is there a problem?

No. No, everything's fine.

Uh, let's just go to the chapel.

Shall we?

I made a wedding cake.

I hope you enjoy it.

Oh! Uh...

so... are we ready to get started?

Oh, do you have a thing to play music?

I had Steven burn a little wedding mix for us,.

for ambience

Sure, just, um, give me a sec

do you have a problem?

You said she was sick.

She is.

She has a wandering spleen.

It sounds nothing like cancer. It doesn't even sound real.

Well, it is. I-I could die.

You look fine to me, honey.

Don't do this.

I have asked you six times to fly with me to Holland to get married,

and you always have some la me excuse.

But the second some chick with a silly disease comes along,

well, you drop everything and head for a chapel.

Oh,no,it's a serious illness.

See, it just sounds silly �cause of the word "spleen."

What do you want from me?

I want you to worry about my feelings half as much as you worry about your mother's!

What is it gonna take to make you happy?

Not go through with the wedding?

Is that what you're asking?

Oh,oh! No,no,stop right there.

Okay, I would love to see you two crazy kids get hitched in Holland more than anyone,

with the tulips and the clogs, in front of a windmill, the whole shebang.

But unless I get this surgery,

my spleen is going to slam straight into my heart and explode.

So, you know, seeing as I am just a nice person

and I always support gay rights, let�s just do this.

And then I'll have a husband and insurance.

Nobody gets hurt.

Steven, why...Steven!

- it's just... - yeah.

I'm so sorry.

My hands are tied.

I'm really sorry.

Steven, wait. Steven... where are you going?

what's love got to do, got to do with it?

Ah, finally got the sound system working.

Where's the groom?

Hey, susie Q.

What's wrong? For a newlywed, you don't have much spring in your step.

I didn't get married.

Really?

We got to the altar, but the whole fake wedding thing sort of imploded.

Wow. I'm sorry.

I still don't have insurance.

I need to get that operation. I'M...

I'm really screwed.

well...

why don't I just marry you?

What?

I've got a fantastic health plan.

You'd be covered instantly.

But... we were actually married.

Look,susie, I've always felt awful about walking out on you the way I did.

And I figure, if we do this,

I'd basically be saving your life.

I figure I owe you one.

Karl...

so what do you say?

Will you marry me, Susan Mayer?

again?

What the hell?

cool!

what are we gonna do about Eddie?

- We can't tell her. - She'd kill us both.

Yeah, it'll be our little secret.

We've really enjoyed having you as a guest. Right, Gaby?

Absolutely.

Xiao-mei, you are a very special girl, so...

so you take care, okay?

Oh!

Thanks for all your help, Carlos.

my pleasure, father.

- Bye-bye. - Ladies?

please don't tell me you're crying

just because you can�t have the maid you want.

Carlos, she wouldn�t have been just a maid.

She would have been the best damn maid ever.

God, you�re pathetic.

Shut up.

hey,

something's going on.

is there a problem?

Well, xiao-mei doesn't want to go back to china.

She wants to stay here and work for you.

What? Why?

she says mares. Solis treated her with more kindness than she's ever known.

She now thinks of you two as family.

Oh, really?

Oh, of course you can stay!

Oh!

Gaby...

Carlos, she thinks of us as family.

I'm ready to hear those farm fresh concepts.

Conference room in five...

toilet boy!

you are so not allowed to complain to me.

I know. You were right, okay?

So now I'm known throughout the advertising world as "toilet boy."

Tell him you're done with the games.

You don't wanna play anymore.

No,no,no, I can't. I can't.

If I back down now, he�ll see it as a sign of weakness. Look,

this is the way that guys do business. But--

so you called it.

He made me his bitch.

Come on.

Here you go. Oh.

You know, ed, I've been thinking.

We've had a lot of fun and games around here lately,

but maybe it's time to set a slightly more professional tone in the office.

Oh, I get it.

Somebody went running to mommy, didn�t he? Huh?

What?

Tom loses a few bets,

so he tries to get his wife to make me back off?

Oh, this is so alpha tau.

I am gonna make him pay.

No. No, you�re not gonna make him pay.

You are gonna stop this now.

This is my company.

If people wanna work here, they play by my rules.

- Ed! - What?

I'm calling you out.

Huh? Yes, you're right.

This is your company, so I'll play by your rules.

What do I have to do to get you to stop this frat boy crap?

Shave my eyebrows? Come to work naked?

Name your stakes.

I don't have time for this.

Aw, what's wrong, ed?

You afraid a phi kapp's gonna get beaten by a girl?

Come on, big man...

it's just a little bet.

As you know, I think that making the workplace fun is good for morale.

But Lynette here thinks that our shenanigans have gotten a little out of hand.

oh, hold on. Hold on.

I respect Lynette�s work ethic.

So we've decided to settle the matter with a little test of intestinal fortitude.

If she can eat

1 pound of our client's fine, farm-fresh pork product,

raw...

there'll be a moratorium on wagering in the office.

oh,oh!

I know you are doing this for me.

You don't need to do this.

I don't need you fighting my fights.

I am not fighting your fights.

This is my fight

this is how guys do business, right?

While we're young.

no shame in defeat, Lynette.

No shame at all.

oh, she's gonna do it.

ohh!

oh,yes!

oh!

oh,this is too much.

oh!

what?

She took the bet.

What? This is fun, people.

she's got one more.

so...

can this be a place of business again, ed?

- No more games? - Sure.

You sucked all the fun out of it anyway.

that was really something.

Thanks.

Could you scrounge me up a bucket?

Caleb said a nice, red-haired lady came to visit him.

Come on in, betty.

Get you a drink?

This is not a social call, bree!

Did you or did you not break into my home and talk to my son?

Caleb and I had, uh, a very lovely chat. Yes.

if you ever come near him again,

there will be hell to pay. Do you understand?

Aren't you gonna ask me what we talked about?

The name,um...

Melanie foster came up.

I'm gonna pour you a drink now, betty,

because we're about to have a very honest discussion,

and I think you're gonna need a little help getting through it.

his name's Zach young.

He lives with his father.

Mother committed suicide about a year ago.

How did he end up with these people?

How do you think?

Deirdre was strung out, noah. She gave him up.

I wanna see this boy.

Well, he�s got a new family now. I can't just snap my fingers and get him in here.

Maybe not, but I can snap my fingers,

and detective Sullivan can make it happen.

- You don't wanna do that. - No?

Is that really the way you wanna meet him--

have that thug drag him in here so grandpa can give him a hug?

Fine. You bring him. I�ll give you two days.

As you know, I�m on a bit of a clock here.

When Caleb was born,

and the doctors discovered that he was different,

I didn't even cry.

It was the most painful moment of my life.

I didn't shed a single tear.

I just thought to myself, what�s the point?

He is my son,

and I have to raise him

as best I can.

Now that's my job.

In a lot of ways, I feel so blessed.

Caleb is challenged,

but he has such a sweet nature.

I'm sure you noticed that when you came to visit.

Yes, I did.

I also noticed that you had him chained in the basement.

That's because of Melanie foster.

Melanie was a girl that Matthew dated.

She was a debutante.

And like typical teenagers,

their relationship was full of drama.

They were always breaking up and getting back together and breaking up.

One night, after one of their big blow-ups,

Caleb somehow convinced Melanie to meet him down at our local lumberyard.

I can only imagine that she thought he was bringing some kind of apology from Matthew

but he wasn't.

Caleb told Melanie

he was in love with her,

and that if he was her boyfriend,

he would never break up with her...

and she laughed in his face.

He tried to show her he was serious by kissing her...

and she hit him.

He doesn't remember a lot of what happened after that, but he--

he does know that he got very, very angry, and...

and that there was an ax lying on the ground nearby him.

Yes,

my Caleb killed Melanie,

but I couldn't let him go to jail...

or worse, be put down,

for what was really my crime.

Your crime?

It was my responsibility.

I was supposed to protect him from himself.

I am his mother.

That was my job.

The world is filled with unlikely friendships.

How do they begin?

With one person desperately in need,

and another willing to lend a helping hand.

When such kindness is offered...

We're finally able to see the worth of those we had previously written off.

And before we know it...

a bond has formed,

regardless of whether others can understand it.

Yes, unlikely friendships start up every day.

No one understands this

more than the lonely.

In fact,

it's what they count on.

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