Original subtitles

During the spookiest time of the year,

there are a few guidelines

all ghosts and goblins should follow.

Always stay on sidewalks.

Never go to a stranger's house,

and never go out alone.

This was a great idea, honey, really.

It's just magical.

It makes me wish every night was Halloween.

I'm sorry, Em.

Wait, wait. Not yet.

What?

You're supposed to keep it lit.

Why?

I don't know, ancient tradition?

Henry, it's Halloween, not Hanukkah.

- Baby, I'm lit and you're lit. - But honey--

But our little friend here, his night's over.

You know, you should be more careful.

There are rules. You might upset someone.

Oh, please. Who?

What?

Inside. Upstairs.

Let's take all this crap down. It looks like a crime scene.

- I'll do it in the morning. - No, you won't.

You're gonna sleep until noon

and then play video games until four.

And besides, my mom is coming in the morning,

and she'll have an aneurysm if she sees this place.

Really?

I'll do it.

Go inside, put on the tape.

I hate Halloween.

What took you guys so long?

Happy Halloween.

Yeah! Oh, baby!

Emma?

Werewolves, zombies and demons of every variety,

they've all descended on the normally sleepy town

of Warren Valley, Ohio,

where the holiday and all of its strange traditions

are taken very seriously.

It's only 8:00 and the streets are already packed

with costumed visitors,

some to show off, others to blend in,

but all to celebrate the magical night of Halloween,

the one night a year when we can pretend to be

the scariest thing we can think of.

I am not wearing this.

It's too small.

- My tits keep popping out. - That's the idea.

I don't know why we drove here

when there are good guys in the city.

Fresh meat.

It's what we do every Halloween, Laurie.

What happened to trick-or-treating?

Puberty.

Last year we were in Tampa.

And went as sexy nurses.

No, Janet, Tampa was two years ago.

I remember because you puked doing a guy in his pickup.

I ate some bad Mexican, and it was a Jeep.

Last year was San Diego.

We dressed as sailors and ended up with sailors.

Yeah, and Maria's sailor was a girl.

So what? She had a nice ass.

It all tastes the same to me anyway.

Ladies, there are children out here.

Okay, all of you come out on the count of three.

One, two, three.

Nice.

- Laurie, come on out. - No.

- Open up. - No.

Open the door, or we'll huff and we'll puff...

Come on, seriously, open up.

Fine, just don't laugh, okay?

Danielle, I look like I'm five.

Shut up, you look great.

It's tradition.

Great. What does tradition say we do now?

We meet our dates.

Two thirty-three, 30-D.

I mean, $234.33.

Thanks.

You know, this might sound kind of forward, but,

well, we're just in town for a party tonight,

and I was wondering what time you get off work.

Oh. Uh...

In about 20 minutes, actually.

Yeah? You know where Sheep's Meadow is?

Sure, yeah, of course.

All right. So why don't you meet me there in 45?

Uh, okay, I guess.

Don't forget your costume.

That can't be good for your diabetes, Charlie.

Uh...

Don't waste a good lie on this.

It's just candy.

Guess it's a good thing I got more.

Why don't you sit down, stay for a minute?

Oh, I can't. I have--

Sit down, Charlie.

Your problem is simple.

You always wait for them to come to you.

If you just tried a little harder,

you wouldn't be a virgin at 22.

What? Excuse me?

It's practically stapled to your forehead.

Oh!

Laurie, please, do not listen to them.

Okay, the key thing is to just be yourself.

Being myself hasn't gotten me very far.

Maybe I'm too old-fashioned,

but I've always wanted my first time to be--

- No, please, don't say it. - Special.

Honey, listen, we've all been there,

but you can't hesitate.

Watch.

That's some big equipment you've got there.

- Thank you. - I'm Maria. This is Janet.

- And we have a small problem. - Really?

We've got this great party to go to...

But we don't have any dates.

Here. Help yourself.

It's for the pumpkin, not you.

Promise.

All of mine were dull.

Ahh. Smashing jack-o'-lanterns?

Stealing candy?

It's okay.

Believe it or not, I was just like you when I was a kid.

Till my dad set me straight, that is.

See, my dad taught me tonight

is about respecting the dead,

because this is the one night that the dead,

and all sorts of other things, roam free...

...and pay us a visit.

Sorry.

All these traditions,

jack-o'-lanterns,

putting on costumes, handing out treats,

they were started to protect us, but nowadays...

no one really cares.

Yeah.

I didn't do such a good job, did I?

What do you think?

Hey.

You okay?

You need a root beer?

Oh, wait.

That's right. There's another tradition.

A very important one.

Always check your candy.

Hey.

Trick or...

Trick or treat!

- We know you're in there! - We can see you!

- Hello! - Just a minute!

Wait. No!

No. Shh! Shh!

Great costume, Mr. Wilkins.

Oh. Uh...

Uh...

Oh, right, candy.

Thanks.

Principal Wilkins, do you think we might be able

to have your jack-o'-lantern, please?

You're not gonna smash it, are you?

No, it's a scavenger hunt

for UNICEF.

Anything for a good cause.

Happy Halloween.

Yeah. Happy Halloween.

Didn't you get one?

We're going with that.

Are you sure about this?

There's gotta be one or two extra guys there.

- I could help you. - Go. I'll meet you there.

Call me if you get into trouble.

You're turning into Mom.

Ouch.

- Just remember to be yourself. - But play hard to get.

Bye, Danielle!

Hmmm.

Happy Halloween.

Daddy!

I'm back from trick-or-treating!

Billy. Shh.

- Please, be quiet. - Why?

Because you'll bother the neighbors.

Now go watch Charlie Brown

and I'll be in in a minute.

- Charlie Brown's an asshole! - Billy Wilkins! Language.

Shh, shh! Uh...

Wait, hold on.

Come on. There you...

Ah?

Mmm, yeah.

Here you go. Go get it!

Shit.

Spite!

Spite!

Get your ass in here.

Are you finished crapping or what?

Who the hell is that?

I got an NRA membership in my pocket!

And a shotgun over the fireplace!

- So, get out of here before-- - It's me, Mr. Kreeg.

Steven, Steven Wilkins.

What in God's name are you doing down there, Wilkins?

Hiding bodies?

What did you say?

Nothing.

It's... The septic tank is acting up.

Is that what that smell is?

I'm afraid so.

Then fix it!

It stinks like a dead whore out here.

I'm...

...trying.

Keep your kid out of my yard!

Goddamn freak.

Happy Halloween.

Screw you!

Daddy!

I wanna carve the jack-o'-lantern now,

but I need your help with the eyes.

In a minute, Billy.

And can I go to the parade with you later?

No, Daddy has a date.

Oh!

But we haven't done anything fun together.

How about if we make some caramel apples,

just like Grandpa used to?

How about that?

When?

After we carve the jack-o'-lantern,

but you have to be quiet.

Okay.

But don't forget to help me with the eyes!

"Daddy, I wanna carve a pumpkin."

"Daddy, I wanna go to the parade."

"Daddy, I wish Mommy was still alive."

Wilkins, over here!

Help me!

Screw you.

Billy!

I gotcha.

So, can we carve it now?

Yeah.

Let's go downstairs.

Let's carve a scary face this time.

A scary face it is.

Wrap it around.

But don't forget to help me with the eyes.

Trick or treat!

Aren't you guys adorable?

Thanks, Mrs. Henderson.

That's a great costume.

I know.

Isn't it just "purr-fect"?

You want a drink or something? It'll be our little secret.

Sure.

No, thanks.

- But, um... - All right, fine.

I'll see what I got for you.

Actually, Mrs. Henderson, we were sort of wondering if...

- ...if you might... - Holy shit.

...have a jack-o'-lantern

we could borrow.

Here you go.

Now, be safe.

And watch out for monsters.

I don't even know what that was.

Coach Taylor was in a hot-dog costume butt-fucking a pig.

- I think. And then-- - Chip. Let's just not.

- Trick or treat. - What'd you find?

That's it?

Some asshole went down the street smashing all of them.

But we have three.

Isn't this enough?

Almost.

Macy, why didn't we just start here?

I didn't know she'd do this.

This is weird.

Is that Rhonda the retard?

She's not a retard, she's an idiot savant.

Here she comes.

You're on, Schrader.

Did you carve all these yourself?

Yeah. Made my costume too.

Like it?

I do.

I'm Schrader.

Rhonda.

Let's get another drink.

Henry.

I need help.

She's just drunk, baby. Come on.

You must really like Halloween.

You mean Samhain?

What?

Samhain, also known as All Hallows' Eve,

also known as Halloween.

Pre-dating Christianity, the Celtic holiday

was celebrated on the one night between autumn and winter

when the barrier between the living and dead was thinnest

and often involved rituals that included human sacrifice.

I like your eye patch.

Oh.

Great, a rock quarry.

Nice way to celebrate Halloween, Macy.

Why are we here?

To pay our respects to the dead.

What happened? Did somebody die here?

Wait.

Is this where...?

It is, isn't it? This is where that school--

Shut up, Sara.

The Halloween School Bus Massacre.

Just don't call it that.

- What's she talking about? - It's this awesome town legend.

There was this bus full--

Jesus, will you shut up and let me tell the damn story?

You said a bad word.

It happened 30 years ago...

on a late Halloween afternoon.

A school bus was on its usual route.

But this wasn't your typical school bus...

and they weren't your typical kids.

There were eight of them...

and they were different.

Troubled.

Disturbed.

Every day, parents put their dirty secrets on this bus

to be driven to a school miles outside of town.

3260.

3264.

3266.

But that day...

the driver took a different route.

Wrong way.

Wrong way.

Wrong way.

And instead of taking the students home...

he drove the bus to an abandoned rock quarry.

This rock quarry.

What the kids didn't know was that over the years,

their parents had become exhausted,

embarrassed.

And they were willing to do anything to ease their burden.

So, one day,

the parents approached the bus driver and made him an offer.

Shh.

With the money they collected together,

they asked him to do the unthinkable.

It almost worked perfectly.

Wrong way.

Wrong way.

Home. Home.

I wanna go home.

I wanna go home.

Home.

Home. Home.

Home! Go home!

Home.

The driver was never heard from again.

As for the bus,

some say it sank so deep

that it couldn't be found.

Others say the town just didn't want it to be found.

For all we know, it's still down there...

and so are those kids.

You are so full of shit.

Really?

Then I guess you won't mind being first.

First what?

Eight victims,

eight jack-o'-lanterns...

each one representing a lost soul.

So, we're going to leave them by the side of the lake

as an offering to those who died.

Oh.

Is that one of yours?

Yes.

It's very pretty.

Thank you.

It can only hold three... safely.

I'll send the keys back up.

You guys bring the rest.

Uh... Okay.

- Hello? - Who's your favorite big sister?

You there?

Yeah. Hi.

So, there's a guy here who really wants to meet you.

Is he young?

Cute?

Uh... Yeah.

Yeah, no, you could say that.

He's, uh, he's really, really nice.

So, he's hideous.

Just get your ass over here. Beggars can't be choosers.

Nice.

Great.

Not now, Andrew.

- Josh. - Whatever.

Werewolves.

Very funny.

That bus is around here somewhere.

I think it's over here.

Over where? I can't see shit in this fog.

Think I found a dead retard.

- That's me, asshole. - Like I said.

Both of you shut up and keep looking.

There's something moving by that rock.

- I can't see. - Jesus, what is that?

Help me!

Sara! Where's Sara?

Run!

- Nowhere to go! - I wanna go back up!

Macy?

Schrader? Sara?

Aren't you coming?

Okay, stay here.

Don't let the candles go out and they'll protect you, okay?

Oh, shit.

Is she dead?

Hey.

Rhonda?

Rhonda?

And it was all going so well.

- You're all dead! - Rhonda, calm down.

It was all just a trick.

Look, none of this is real.

It was just a trick.

A bad joke.

I'd say it was a pretty good one.

Shut up.

Here, let me see.

Does it hurt?

Go pack everything up. We're leaving.

Says who?

Macy, she's scared out of her mind.

What else do you want?

Let's go.

This one's still lit.

If this was all a trick, then how did the school bus get here?

That part's true.

What happened to the bus driver?

I don't know, Chip.

What?

I didn't say anything.

I'm not in the mood.

It wasn't me.

What is that?

Not again.

- Over here! - Wait here.

Help us!

Schrader!

- Schrader! - What the hell?

We have to go. We have to get out of here.

- Calm down. - We have to go!

- Look, Macy-- - Listen to me!

We heard voices. There are other people here.

What is that?

No! Run!

Rhonda, open the gate!

- Let us in, please! - Open the gate!

Open the gate, please.

Come on.

Open the gate!

- No! Rhonda, look at me. - What are you doing?

It's not a trick, it's real.

Come back!

Where is she going?

Rhonda!

I'm not in the mood, so just come on out!

Oh, my God. She's so funny.

No, thanks.

She's a big girl. She can take care of herself.

I wish that were true.

Mom always said she was the runt of the litter.

My, my,

what big eyes you have.

So, where's this guy you're setting her up with,

the nice one?

Laurie.

Oh, my God.

Please, help me.

There she is.

Laurie, what's going on?

You're late.

Sorry. It took longer than I thought.

What did he do to you?

I listened to their advice and played hard to get.

He bit me.

Well, at least you made it. Drink?

Sure.

Come here.

Please.

Say "ah."

Huh. Not bad.

What's your name, honey?

Steven.

- Steven? - Steven Wilkins.

I'm glad you're her first, I really am.

I like you.

Who are you people?

I'm nervous.

Hey.

You're gonna be fine.

Just be yourself.

It's my first time, so...

just bear with me.

What are you doing?

My, my,

what big eyes you have.

Trick or... treat.

You push it in, you slide the food in.

It pops right out, okay?

I'm gonna take this device.

I've done it a few times already.

Inside here...

I'm gonna show the folks how to put it on the spit rod.

It's so darn easy.

I take the meat, and all I'm gonna do

is just center it like this.

It goes down.

I'll put the wheel on. It's as simple as this.

This is about a seven-pound pork loin roast.

I'll put it in the machine,

I'll slide it back, put up the window.

- You set it, and...? - Forget it!

Right. I'm gonna go over to the pork loin roast over here now...

and I'm gonna take this one out.

This has been done--

It's only eight o'clock

and the streets are already packed with costumed visitors,

some to show off, others to blend in,

but all to celebrate the magical night of Halloween.

Baked goods and crops were left out

as offerings for the dead,

a custom now known as trick-or-treating.

Christ.

...revolutionary. Now look.

Let me just start cutting this over here so that folks can see.

Isn't this beautiful? Look at this over here, folks, huh?

Happy Halloween.

Spite?

Spite?

Spite.

Get your ass in here.

Are you finished crapping or what?

Who the hell is that?

I've got an NRA membership in my pocket...

and a shotgun over the fireplace,

so get out of here before I--

It's me, Mr. Kreeg.

Steven. Steven Wilkins.

What...? What in God's name are you doing down there, Wilkins?

Hiding bodies?

- What did you say? - Nothing.

The septic tank is acting up.

Well, fix it!

It stinks like a dead whore out here.

I'm... trying.

Keep your kid out of my yard!

Goddamn freak.

Happy Halloween.

Screw you!

Get the hell off my...!

Well, zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

Spite?

Spite?

Who the hell are you?

Wilkins! Wilkins!

Over here! Wilkins!

Wilkins, help me, goddamn it!

Help me! Wilkins!

Help me!

- 911, please hold. - Hello? Hello?

911, what is your emergency?

Yeah, I-- I'd-- I'd like to report...

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Oh, no.

Trick or treat.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, Mr. Kreeg.

Great mummy costume.

Thank you.

This was a great idea, honey.

It's just magical.

It makes me wish every night was Halloween.

I'm sorry, Em.

Wait, wait. Not yet.

What?

You're supposed to keep it lit.

Why?

I don't know, ancient tradition?

Henry, it's Halloween, not Hanukkah.

Baby, I'm lit, and you're lit.

But your little friend here? His night's over.

You know, you should be more careful. There are rules.

You might upset someone.

Oh, please. Who?

Trick or treat.