Original subtitles

Hit me, motherfucker.

Bring it on.

Why do you always gotta be such a dick about it, man?

Why don't you suck my ass, Dezzy?

Why don't you both shut up and just relax?

You guys want another round?

No thanks, I'm cool.

Anybody got any money left?

Not a penny.

We're just poor musicians here,

how about a round on the house?

Bobby, you know I can't do that.

What fuckin' good are you then?

Bob, why don't you be cool to the girl?

I come here all the time.

She's a fuckin' good girl.

Alright, I'll fuck her and I'll fuck this place.

Don't pay any attention to him, baby.

It's alright.

Why don't you cut her a break, pal?

Why such a dick, Bobby?

Hey guys, they ain't gonna be like this that much longer.

Oh really?

When are we gonna start gettin' paid to play for a change?

Actually it's somethin' a lot bigger

than us gettin' paid to play in dumps like this.

Old Dez just got a little ace up his sleeve.

These guys are really givin' me a hard time.

They don't even tip.

Now they don't even wanna pay their bill.

Hey Annie, I heard those guys

are gettin' a big record deal,

so you might just wanna play it cool.

What does that mean, I gotta buy them drinks?

What, the big rockstars don't wanna pay their tabs anymore?

Ma, I was just thinkin' it'd be good for business

if they made it big and hung out here.

You know the best thing for business?

It would be if they got the hell outta here

and never came back.

I'm talkin' about my girlfriend, Janey.

- Yeah? - Janey Colfax.

So fucking what?

Janey Colfax,

ain't that Martin Colfax's daughter?

That's right, Frankie boy.

Wait a second, your girlfriend's father

is the president of Paragon Records?

That is sweet!

We are about to sign a major record deal.

Hold on.

Time out, hold on.

You're bangin' this chick and now

she's gonna get her old man to give us a deal?

That's very good, Einstein.

You tellin' me your shit is that good?

I don't think so.

Watch Ma, I'm ready to go kick some butt.

You go, Ma.

Ah shit, here comes Ma Baker.

Oh, so you're afraid of that old bitch.

Man, you are a pussy.

Hey Bobby, be cool.

I hear the big rockstars

don't wanna pay their tab anymore.

Well baby, pretty soon

you're gonna be payin' us to play here

'cause we're 'bout to hit the big time.

In the meantime, loser.

Why don't you cough up the money for the bill?

Oh and by the way, what's this I hear about

you harassin' one of my girls?

- Don't hit him. - don't hit him.

What do you want us to do, baby?

You want us to pay for the damages to the bitch?

Alright, that's it.

That tears it, you guys are outta here right now.

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

- C'mon, out! - Let's go.

- Get outta here. - Bobby, c'mon.

All of ya.

C'mon, move it.

- Get out. - Let's go.

- Move it. - Alright, we're out.

Like that one, mate; Bobby, let's go.

What word didn't you understand?

- You fuckin' hit me. - C'mon, man.

I want you outta my place now!

Bobby c'mon, let's go.

Do you know how much money we spent

in your little shithole here?

- Let's go. - I don't give a rat's ass.

I want your ass outta here right now.

- Give a rat's ass?! - Yeah, now.

Bitch!

What are you, fuckin' psycho?

- Fuckin' touch me. - Yeah, I'm a fuckin' psycho!

- I'm a fuckin' psycho! - C'mon, get outta here!

I'm a fuckin' psycho!

Get off me, man!

Get the fuck off me!

- Fuckin' bitch! - Get outta here!

What the fuck?

Are you fuckin' psycho?

You're just a bunch of bitches, man.

Fuckin' mind?

Guys, back off.

Look Bobby, I want you to listen to me very close.

We are so sick of your strung-out bullshit.

The truth is we don't need you or your songs.

Guess what, my friend; you are fired.

That's Wang Chung.

- This is Fung Shui. - Oh really?

Yes, it's an ancient Chinese art.

It's like architectural digest from the Ming dynasty.

I found a digital Fung Shui guy.

- Digital? - Yes.

- Why digital? - To help me with my website.

- Aah. - His name is Dando.

- Dando? - Uh-huh.

Does he have a last name?

I always love one-name people.

Cher, Liza, Bono.

- As in Sonny? - Not Sonny Bono.

Bono from U2.

- You mean Bono from U2. - What?

- Yeah, it's Bono. - That's ridiculous.

Listen Henry, about the website.

- Look, I've gotta go. - Okay, call me later.

Okay, I'll talk to you later.

I got the shoot ideas from Stephanie.

Oh, great.

I think I have to shoot Stephanie

before I get an idea out of her.

I know you're not gonna believe this,

but I think they're really good.

It's colorful.

But pretty good isn't good enough

for a Henry Martin video, is it?

No, look further.

Actually the third page I think,

it has a list of the 10 weapons

that the murderers are gonna use.

I think it's really original.

- This is original? - Yeah.

This doesn't work.

Oh, come on.

Henry, it's a great idea.

It's a horrible idea.

Listen, we'll put it on digital video and bring in fog.

I hate fog and you know I hate fog.

I don't wanna work with fog again.

You gotta get over your whole fog thing.

It's not a fog thing.

I am not fog phobic.

Okay, I'll bring Wendy.

Ooh, that'll do it!

Wendy's coming in, hold on.

Hello?

Wendy's coming in.

Yes, everything will be fine!

- The war's over. - Stop it!

- Wendy's gonna do the fog. - Stop it, Henry.

Come on, she's really good at this stuff.

Just bring me Wendy.

Let's do this thing, shoot my fog

and get me the fog out of here.

We're gonna lose the light in the bass drum.

I've seen that a thousand times.

I don't want that.

Where are the grips with my fog machine?

I'll have the PA check on it, Henry.

You guys, where's the foggers?

They're checking on it now.

How much longer before the band is ready?

They're just about ready.

So you psyched?

Yes, I'm just totally psyched.

I just love this band and I especially love

their bitch manager, Stephanie.

God, d'you know what's funny?

She actually thinks she can make money on these losers.

No Henry, that's not what I'm talkin' about.

I'm talkin' about this location.

Aren't you excited to be shootin'

on the set of The Lost World?

- No, not really. - Come on.

Steven Spielberg shot right here.

Come on, aren't you in the least bit of awe?

I love Spielberg, but being where he was

is not going to help me get where I wanna be.

Arlene, I know I don't look it but I'm almost 50.

I still haven't directed my first feature.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Henry.

25 Movies of the Week and 50 rock videos.

That's nothing to be ashamed about.

Yes, it is.

Did you know that Janey's too stuck up to be in a video?

That's just because the camera isn't only on her.

Is that her dad?

Yeah, Martin Colfax, President of the record label.

Band's looking great, Janey.

Told you so, daddy.

I know they're gonna make it.

The set looks pretty fantastic too.

You recognize that?

It's from The Lost World.

Isn't the one with the T Rex?

Yeah, that's the one.

I pulled quite a few strings

so your boyfriend could do his video here.

I love you, daddy.

I'll never forget this night.

Thanks for helping my wild days to be really fun.

Well one of our label's rappers has a saying.

Stay strong.

I like that, it's good advice.

We probably shouldn't dis his daughter.

At least not to her face.

And until the shoot is over.

No, I want a blue light.

I wanna light the boy's crotch

and I want a blue light!

This crew is from Hell.

Speaking of Hell, here comes Ms. Biz Niz, Queen Bitch,

hello darling.

How are you?

Isn't this fabulous?

Henry?

I thought we talked about doing something edgy?

Hello, edgy?

We're shooting a rock band on The Lost World set.

If it had any more edge, I could shave with it.

Henry, nobody gives a crap

about the set of The Lost World, okay?

We have to be cutting edge for home video, the internet,

so the kids will think we're cool.

Cool is fine.

Have you considered having them write

good songs because this is crap.

No can do Henry;

you see, because we had to fire our song writer

because he got a little.

Unfortunately he had all the talent.

Besides, this is a hard rock band.

They don't need talent, Henry;

they just need tight pants.

Tight pants is fine with me.

I'm already lit for it, Stephie.

Hey, would you quit calling that?

I fucking hate when you call me that!

Do I look like a Stephie to you?

- There's no Stephie here. - Hello, not you.

I'm sorry, Stephanie.

But if these boys suck and I mean that figuratively,

how the hell are you gonna make me money from them?

Henry.

I can't talk now.

Call me in an hour.

I'll be happy to tell you

the minute you get off the phone, Henry.

Say hi to Zigfried, bye.

Take your time, babe.

Oh, you can talk on the phone and I can't?

Don't push me, Henry.

See our lead singer, Dez?

Well he is screwing the daughter

of the President of the record company.

He's putting some money behind these guys.

The way I figure it,

there's at least one pay day,

if the video is controversial.

All we need is one good stunt that gets us on the news

and that gets us on all the shows.

- Oh. - Then maybe I'll buy a bar

on some beach in Thailand and suck the local hire.

Jealous?

How can you like such a disgusting thing, Stephanie?

Get out of my trailer!

Go hit on somebody else, asshole.

Yeah, yeah, I'll see you later.

Big smoker, huh?

Close.

Never smoked before in my life.

Clearly.

So you're the AD, right?

Right.

What do you think of my band?

I don't, I'm just doing a job.

That must suck having to do shit

that you don't get excited by.

That's why I'm a rocker.

Every day is different.

You mean every day is a different girl.

Actually rockstar, my job's pretty cool.

I work with professionals.

I'm on different locations all the time

and unlike you, I don't have to answer to some bitch.

Stephanie can be something else.

What about the hours, don't they suck?

Yeah the hours suck sometimes

like when you're working on some stupid commercial

that's on and off the air before you can say boo.

So really what you're saying

is getting this gig's kinda cool

because you're here making history, right?

I hope you're as cocky in front of camera

as you are right here.

I can be cocky in a whole variety of places and positions.

Funny.

Pretty cute too.

Yeah, the camera's gonna have no problem shootin' you.

Do you have to smoke those disgusting clove cigarettes?

They are asphyxiating me.

How in the name of God can you actually say you like them?

I don't like them, Henry.

I've got 500 cartons in Dez's garage.

The band got them in lieu of payment for their last gig.

That's effective negotiating, Stephanie.

Maybe I'll have you do my next deal.

And speaking of deals,

two of the strippers that we've booked have major problems;

so what I think I'm going to do

is ask one of our girls if she'll do the nude bit.

You think there'll be a problem with that?

Well I don't know, I haven't asked her yet.

You know Henry, the day after God created LA,

he created the first girl who will do anything

to be a star, alright?

There's probably millions per area code.

So if the girl won't hook us up,

fire her ass, pull an extra from the crowd.

I guarantee she'll do it.

Frank, put that to the left please.

Kinda dig me, don't you?

You're pretty easy on the eyes.

Is that all?

Dude, remember what I said about

enjoying working with professionals?

Yeah.

Yeah well, what's going on right here,

very unprofessional; we're working.

Well maybe later.

I hang out at this place called Ma Baker's Pub.

Yeah, I know the place.

Yeah, maybe I'll see you round there sometime.

Maybe?

I will definitely see you there tonight.

Alright alright, well you just keep that up all night

especially when you're in front of the camera.

Baby, don't you worry, I can keep it up all night long.

Henry?

Yes, Arlene; did you meet Dez?

You were right.

The dork totally hit on me.

And did you do it?

Yeah yeah, I fluffed him.

Really?

- I swear. - Good.

Yeah, his confidence is way up.

His head's so big, I don't how he's gonna get it

into his trailer.

Okay, well stay on top of it.

- I will. - Good.

Yeah but you know what, if I have to kiss him again,

I swear to God I'm gonna puke.

Pray tell why is that?

Yeah, those clove cigarettes are disgusting.

Come in.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm Henry Martin. - I'm Wendy.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So they tell me that you do fog.

Yes.

Excellent because I'm very picky about my fog.

I hate phony fog.

Okay, here's the scene.

We're shooting in front of the Psycho house.

You know the Psycho house?

Oh, of course.

It's the ultimate macabre mansion.

I want a very special fog.

I do not want a Whitesnake, Poison, Billy Squier video fog.

I want a 1940s black and white Peter Lorre

Boris Karloff fog.

I want a thick, tense serpentine fog

that creeps along the ground

like a cat moving in across a cemetery.

I want a fog that seems like it's coming from Satan's ass.

Can you give me that?

Absolutely.

Okay, great, I feel better.

Thank you, Wendy.

- Great. - Great.

Okay, thank you.

I hate fog.

I hate fog.

Who do I have to fuck to get off this picture?

We got our work cut out for us tonight.

I hate working these rock videos.

They're always rushing you and everything.

You're always bitching and everything.

Anything you do like about this job?

Yeah, I like all them PAs around

like they my personal slaves.

I like putting dents in producers cars.

I like taking breaks now, so like going to the store

when I get ready--

Alright, alright, alright, alright.

I got it, okay?

Wendy, this place looks creepy, doesn't it?

Yeah, it is.

It's gonna look even creepier

when we get the fog rolling in.

You did remember to bring the fluid

for the fog machine this time?

Yes I did remember to bring the fluid

for the fog machine this time.

Yeah!

Am I ever gonna live that down?

- No. - Jesus.

Look, we got a lotta time before they use this set,

so I'm gonna go to the catering truck.

Dare I ask, do you want anything?

Well, now that you mention it,

I'll have one of those apple fritters over at Craft Services

and how about a chocolate milk?

There's like 50 grams of fat in that crap.

Make the chocolate milk low fat.

Shit.

Wendy, make that two chocolate milks and two apple fritters.

Okay.

- And Wendy. - Yes?

Get yourself something too.

Right.

A carrot stick, celery.

Whatever.

I guess it's gonna be scarier with fog around here.

Ain't this a bitch.

This piece of shit don't even work.

Wendy?

Wendy!

Come on guys, this ain't funny.

Come on now.

This ain't funny now.

Come on guys, I see you out there.

Hey, I see you.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, daddy.

Looks like you and Dez

are getting pretty serious there, huh?

I really like him, Daddy.

Means a lot to me that you're helping out the band.

I just don't wanna see you get hurt, honey.

You know how these rock and rollers can be.

He's not like that, daddy.

He really thinks I'm special.

So what do you think of the sets on this back lot?

Some of the scariest movies ever done were shot right here?

Did you ever see The Hunchback of Notre Dame

or Frankenstein?

You know I don't like horror movies.

They're dumb.

What about Psycho?

The original set for that movie's right here on this lot.

You must have seen that one?

Oh yeah, I saw that movie, daddy.

It had Ann Heche in it, right?

Hey, Mike.

Where are you?

Mike?

I got your apple fritters.

They're so greasy, they weigh a ton.

Okay Mike, I'm leavin'.

Mike?

Is that you?

Mike?

When I was growin' up,

some of these old classic horror movies

were considered some of the scariest movies of their day.

A classic horror, it's the settings,

the story and the characters that make a movie immortal.

That's what makes them really scary.

Nowadays these splatter movies

are nothing but gory special effects.

Mike?

Mike?

* I don't mind jumpin' on her cycle *

* But she don't like pushin' it to the red *

* Offered to get up into the tub *

* But my girl only likes it on the bed *

* I go through this every 28 days *

* C'mon baby

Cut!

They move like monkeys.

Dez, will you come down here please?

Move those cables away from everybody.

Speed over on the left side please.

Well honey I'd really like to stay and watch your boy,

but I better go and lock things up,

get everything secure before I take off.

Alright, thanks daddy for everything that you've done.

Thanks a lot.

You're welcome, honey.

You have fun.

Girls, get on set please.

Hey, where's the other girl?

Gina, please get on the set.

Not bad.

Watch it, Dez.

We don't want daddy's little girl gettin' angry.

Now I'm a rockstar, I can't even check out other chicks?

Come on rockstar, you're up.

Okay you guys, think pimply kids.

Think air guitar when you had pimples.

Four, three, two, one and playback.

Cut!

Off with the pimples and air guitars.

Henry?

Henry, this girl is whacked.

You need to fire her ass right now.

Fire her?

Why, because she's doin' her job?

Her job is screwin' up the band right now.

I want her outta here.

You have no right to fire her.

Henry, I know you're not fucking her.

You don't know who or what I'm fucking

and you are not firing her.

- Oh really?! - Yes.

Watch me.

Okay fine.

If she goes, I go.

- Don't threaten me. - I'm doing it.

No Henry, no.

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

You stay here and finish your job.

Honestly, I'm glad to get away from this freaky bitch.

Yeah, I'll call you in the morning.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.

- I feel terrible. - No, don't worry about it.

You'll call me in the morning?

Yeah.

- Have a nice day. - Oh, yeah.

I'll call you.

Okay, let's get going.

Time is money.

And playback.

* I don't mind

Cut it!

I have a lot of notes and very little time.

Let's start with you, guitar.

First of all, lose the cigarette.

You're not Keith Richards.

Secondly, don't look at the guitar.

You should know the notes by now.

The guitar is not going to buy you records, they are.

Look at them, play the camera and you must move.

You're not a statue.

Give me the guitar.

It is choreography, darling.

It's quite simple.

Excuse me.

Strum up, back, over.

Kick, make the face, back.

Strum again, back, kick, make the face.

It's not complicated.

Try and do it.

Bass man, same basic moves.

Let me ask you a question, do you have a spring in your ass?

'Cause you move like a constipated hobby horse

and you must move your hand.

It is not a fucking paralyzed hand.

Singer boy, stand up.

Were you making soup?

Because I really never seen this move before.

You're not a cook, you're a rocker.

You must work the fucking mic and the mic stand.

The Indian bands, the Village People,

have done that to death.

- Stephanie? - Hey.

I think this video's turning out really cheesy.

Oh yeah?

You think this is bad, wait 'til you see

what we're gonna do next.

What's that?

Jay Burnheim's office.

Jay Burnheim please.

- Stephanie calling. - Please hold.

Trust me, you'll love it.

Lemme ask you somethin'.

I know that the guys in the band are all really cute,

but do they have talent too?

You wanna know if they have talent?

That's a matter of opinion.

What's my father say?

Your father says, "Do they have mass appeal?"

Well, do they?

Yeah.

I was a lot more confident

when it was Bobby writing the songs.

How is Bobby?

Is he playing in another band?

I don't know, I haven't seen him since they fired him.

Didn't you keep in contact with him?

I thought you guys went out for a while.

What is this, question day?

I just told you I haven't seen him since they fired him.

I heard he was in the hospital.

- Hello? - Yes Jay, Stephanie.

- How're you doin'? - Hi babe, how you doin'?

That's good, can I put you on hold?

No, I'm aging I've been holding so long.

Fuck!

What was I saying?

- Bobby? - Oh right, yeah.

I did hear, but somebody saw him in a junkyard in Emmett.

My cousin once wrote an article on junkyard treasures.

Some guy found a World War II Japanese sword

and sold it on the internet for $5,000.

Come on.

I want you to remember that you are screwing these boys

in the real world, okay?

Or maybe that's the problem.

I'm not screwing any of these clowns.

Okay fine, then you have no excuse.

Your job in this scene is to make these boys tumescent.

- You know what tumescent means? - No.

Swollen, hard, stiff, cockus erectus.

You must excite them.

You're moving like you're on tranquilizers.

You have assets.

Use your ass and your sets and work it okay?

Work it.

And you, lose the swim.

Let's go.

I think it's gettin' better.

Better is not great and I need great.

The drummer keeps playing out of sync

and the bass player, he looks like he's in an ABBA video.

- Henry? - We've gotta go again.

There's stuff that we can use.

We gotta move on.

You're not makin' a star here.

Okay, we'll move on.

But first, give me one closeup of Dez.

Face or crotch?

We're here, we're here.

Here and we're here.

I'm outta here.

Be in my trailer.

Nancy, gimme a hand here.

Dez, is that you?

Dez?

Hey pal, this is a closed set.

What are you doin' here?

What is this, some kinda joke?

Didn't you hear me?

What are you doin' here?

Man, I can't believe it.

They took another break.

It's gonna be forever before they start filming again.

There's so much sitting around on these movie sets.

It's like hurry up and wait.

I know.

That's why I don't think

I could ever be an actor, like a movie star.

I'm more of like.

I'm like , I need like instant gratification.

You know what?

We have the time.

What do you say you and me

take a little walk around the backlot?

Let's check out some of those cool sets.

Where, out there?

I don't know, it's kinda creepy.

Come on, I heard that the son of the Zodiac Killer

is a tour guide right here.

Shut up.

Besides, I have something I wanna give to you.

Like I haven't seen that before.

No baby, I'm talkin' about something x-otic.

I love what you're doin' with your hair.

Are you ready for your big moment?

Excuse me, you know this isn't my first gig, right?

Of course it's not your first gig.

Listen honey, I have a really huge favor to ask you.

The girl who was supposed to take it all off,

she sat on a curling iron and she burned her ass.

There's this huge mark there that makeup can't cover.

The other girl who was supposed to take it all off,

she didn't tell us she was pregnant

and she has these stretch marks that are everywhere.

I was hoping that you would--

No one said anything about nudity.

Besides, I get double to show my chest.

Just because you have two of them,

doesn't mean you get double.

Listen, Jeannie.

No, it's Gina.

Sorry, Gina.

Do you wanna work in Hollywood

or do you just wanna be around people that do?

You're saying I should be honored

to take my clothes off in front of you?

I didn't say that at all.

Did I say that?

I didn't say that.

Look, you have no reason to be ashamed.

If I had tits like that, I wouldn't be shy at all.

Well sweetie, I could recommend you

a good plastic surgeon.

That's more than okay.

I'm very happy with my present gender.

I think Frank-n-Beans is more suitable to my personality.

Pumpkin and I are gonna go and get some water.

Okay.

Cut it!

Come on.

What the hell is going on here?

This is offensive.

Not to teenage boys, it ain't.

What'd you think, Janey?

Did you like it?

Like what, that you let this girl

rub herself all over you?

Aw come on, baby.

That's not what it looks like.

I was just gettin' into character.

As what, a jerk?

And stop looking at that.

Hey look, bitch.

I'm not a that.

My name is Gina.

Didn't they teach you any manners in rich girl school?

Excuse me, do I know you?

Must've been tough growing up

when your daddy owns a record label.

Did you have any real friends

or were they all just trying to be famous?

Sorry, I don't make my living getting naked in public.

Hey if I take off my clothes, will I be cool like you?

Maybe.

Tits are good, tits are good.

Henry like I'm always tellin' you, we need more tits.

Tits sell.

You're a disgrace to the sisterhood.

Janey, in this business, tits mean money

and money means power.

Any female power, regardless of where it comes from,

is great for the sisterhood.

You're twisted.

She's worse than that, girlfriend.

You're right, she's totally spun.

Okay girls, the bitchfest is over.

Thank you.

Now we have to set up for the big payoff scene.

What's that?

This is my idea.

We've got you running through the woods

carrying a bloody ax as a psycho killer

chasing the rest of the band.

I don't like that.

It's sick.

Henry, consider her our test audience.

She just told you that

she finds the idea absolutely revolting.

Then it's perfect.

Yeah, it's perfectly revolting and it's stupid.

That's not Dez's image.

He's supposed to be cool, not Norman Bates.

Janey, I manage this band and I thought we agreed that

after we fired Bobby, you would butt out.

Speaking of butts, Gina.

Don't worry, no pubes just your butt.

So I have to be completely naked for this?

Don't worry about your cellulite, darling.

I'll be using a very soft lens.

Trust me, I've made pigs look kosher.

There's a little time left.

Why don't you get something to eat?

By the time you've purged, we'll be ready to shoot.

I knew I shouldn't have taken this job.

What, this band's not good enough for you?

You was fine a couple minutes ago, baby.

You know what?

I don't need to take this shit anymore.

Alright, that's it!

I'm not taking this shit anymore!

I am in charge here and you're goin' to do what I say.

Now get your little pretty asses back up

on the stage and do it now or next week

you're gonna be flippin' burgers at Ox-ar!

Move it!

Yes, sir.

Henry, pitter patter.

That was great; you were blazin'.

I didn't know you had it in you.

I can be quite butch when I have to.

How 'bout the little surprise you promised me?

Is that the only reason you came out here?

Oh c'mon baby, don't hold out on me now.

You know what?

You would've been great with that Bobby guy.

What's that supposed to mean?

Because all you wanna do is get high all the time.

Oh, so you think I'd be good at psycho?

No, baby.

C'mon listen, let's drop this

before we go somewhere that we don't want it to.

Besides, I have something for you.

Ooh, I like this game.

Is this something I'm gonna wanna put in my mouth?

- Check it out. - Oh wow.

Hey this isn't that stuff with the rocket ship on it, is it?

I read on the internet that this stuff

was putting kids in the hospital.

No, baby.

This stuff is the bomb.

My cousin makes this out in Perdue.

What are you doing?

You don't see any water around here, do you?

We'll just have to wash it down with some spit.

It's bitter, like the kiss of death.

Isn't that a line from one of your songs?

Yeah, that dude Bobby wrote it.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring him up again.

Hey, I don't care.

That dude's past history.

He was fired and that's that.

Besides, I heard that dude was nothing but

a druggie scumbag anyway.

He got what he deserved.

You're not worried about him at all?

No, why should I be worried about that dude?

Yeah, why should you be worried about him?

Just because he's on angel dust and he's a total psycho.

He doesn't even know me.

No, you're just the guy that replaced him

and went on to get a record deal.

Hey, I play bass too.

If that dude did come back and he kills us guys,

check me out.

I'll just switch instruments.

Yeah.

What good's a dead band?

Depends on how you die, right?

Check it out, let's say Bobby did come back

and he kills Frankie and Dez.

Think about it, the publicity alone

would sell millions of records.

Oh, like Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Got killed in the plane crash.

No one would known who they were without that happening.

No way, baby.

Free bird!

- Woo. - Woo!

What if we get lost?

I'm not worried about that, babe.

I'm more concerned with the ghost

that they say haunts this place.

Shut up.

What is this place anyway?

I don't know, it's some kinda weird

abandoned ghost town or something.

- Ti's creepy. - I think it's a trip.

Come on, follow me.

Who is it?

The person that signs your checks!

I need you!

Fine.

Stay there, I'm coming out.

Pumpkin had a accident.

These guys are so pathetic.

Please, I've worked with everyone in this business.

This is absolutely the most unprofessional group

that I ever dealt with.

Now you can imagine what I been going through.

I don't have to imagine.

It's real, it's a nightmare.

A nightmare.

Did you find Sal?

What, Sal didn't tell you where he was goin'?

They probably went off

to have a little party of their own.

Why don't you two get in the golf cart

and go and find them?

It's okay.

Woohoo!

- Woo! - Woo!

Baby, this place is awesome!

Look at this place.

You know what?

I think I've seen it in a movie before.

Let's go check out some of the sets.

Let's check out everything in here.

Oh my god, is this the set from ER?

- Cool. - Woohoo!

Man, this place is awesome.

Hey Sal, look.

It's blood.

That's weird.

No seriously, this stuff looks like real blood.

What was that?

Maybe it's the X kickin' in.

No baby, I'm serious.

There's something wrong.

This can't be real.

Sal?

Sal?

Hey.

Hey.

It was really bright of your friend Sal

to take off like that.

Nobody ever actually accused Sal of bein' a genius.

Maybe I oughta fire him too.

It's not that funny, alright?

Chill out.

No, I'm really gettin' tired of the whole

wicked bitch of the west routine.

Well I'm getting a little tired

of the whiner from Oz routine.

Besides, you can be so replaced.

No, you're the one who can be replaced.

No, you can be replaced!

Besides, I'm all you got left.

You must be forgetting about our little friend, Janey.

Because we still have her, dude.

You're such a dick.

Maybe you should chill out.

You've worked too hard to have it all killed in one night.

Okay.

Okay?

Now let's go find this idiot, Sal.

Gotcha!

You're funny.

I think I scared the hell outta you.

Nah I don't scare that easy, baby.

No?

Tough guy.

What's next, what are we doin'?

I was thinkin' we could rehearse.

- Yeah? - Maybe work on that part

of the scene where you get naked.

You know I don't get naked.

C'mon baby, you know the drill.

What, do you think you got this part

'cause you're a great actor?

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Ya ever hear the old expression,

"Ass, gas or grass.

"Nobody rids for free?"

Alright, listen here.

You're not exactly a rockstar, so chill out.

I'm sorry, that's exactly what I am.

I am a rockstar.

By the way, you gotta get naked for this video anyway.

Why don't you start practicing right here?

That'd be good.

No, I don't.

This job sucks anyway.

I fucking quit, rockstar.

The fuck you talkin' about?

I'm a rockstar and you just can't handle it.

That's your problem.

Whatever.

Sal?

Sal?

C'mon Sal, stop fooling around.

This isn't funny!

Alright, I'm leaving.

You are totally blowing it.

Goddammit, I hate you!

Aw baby, come on.

Hey.

Baby,

come on, I'm just playin' around.

It's like I just feel good tonight.

I feel like something good's gonna happen.

I think it's the ecstasy you're feeling.

No baby, it's you.

I'm not even high yet.

Don't you think we should be getting back?

Don't worry about that.

They're not even gonna get started for a while.

What do you say we go to The Lost World?

I know you like big things.

You wanna go see the dinosaurs?

They have dinosaurs there?

Ooh yeah, in fact I heard they have a new one.

It's a one-eyed bronto.

Let's go.

Where have you been?

I just went out for a little walk.

With that actress?

You don't have to be jealous, I got rid of her.

What?

We didn't need her anymore.

But we're not even finished.

Oh yeah, it's too late now.

We'll just have to work around that.

Babe, these guys have been working on

getting a record deal for years.

Do you know how lucky we are?

We like cruise right in.

We get to enjoy all the fruits.

Do you know how huge that is?

Don't get on your high horse too soon.

You haven't sold any records yet.

We totally will, baby.

Sal, if we conceived a baby right now,

would it be high on X forever?

Oh baby, come on.

Please baby, don't make me say it.

Let's check the rest of this place out.

Lead the way.

When we finish this ridiculous shoot,

we can go to the park and you can meet

that little doggie that you played with.

Pumpkin, if you were a human being, we would live together.

But you're a dog and we still do.

What do you see?

Nothing's there.

Are you tired?

I am so tired of this shoot thing.

It's such a beautiful night.

Have you thought at all about what you're gonna do

if this band doesn't make it?

I'm not worried about that, babe.

Your daddy can make it happen for us in a second.

I'm not so sure about that.

What do you mean?

I was asking him about that and he says,

"Maybe I should see how you guys do

"without all the extra help."

Everybody needs help.

This old business is run on grease.

Yeah, but he says that if the only way you can make it

is because I'm your girlfriend,

then you probably don't have what it takes

to be successful without me.

Wait a minute Janey, did your daddy say that to you

or did you say that to him?

Doesn't matter.

Your CD sucks.

No one's gonna buy it regardless of who you're dating.

Whoa, you're sayin' our CD sucks?!

No I think it's great, but I know you.

Do you, Janey?

If I didn't know better,

I'd say you're tryin' to start a fight here or something.

Now you're accusing me of bein' a liar?

What are you talking about?

I just don't know what's gotten into you lately, Janey,

or who.

That has to be the stupidest thing

I have ever heard you say.

This could go on all night.

Yeah, especially if you keep twisting all my words.

I'm sorry, Janey.

I just don't wanna be the sucker

in this relationship for bein' faithful to you.

Do you mean that?

Yeah.

I really wanna believe that you're not like

the rest of the guys in the band.

That's for sure, babe.

I'm a one-woman guy.

Where the hell are they?

You think they could be more responsible.

No, you don't know Sal.

He's about as mature as a five year old kid.

Doesn't it bother you to have to depend

on someone like that for your career?

No baby, all rockers are the same.

They're all immature, they're insane.

They're irresponsible, they're bastards.

That's including me, baby.

Yeah, but they sure look good.

Yeah, you do too.

Alright, let's go searching.

C'mon.

Here you go, nonfat hazelnut.

Thanks, triple shot?

Yes.

You could go all night on the espresso I make.

Thanks, I'm really gonna need it tonight.

Hey I was wondering, maybe you'd be interested

in looking at some photos of me back at my place.

I'm an actress.

Really?

You're an actress in Los Angeles?

How unusual.

Yeah.

I would do just about anything to be in your next picture.

Dear me.

Have you at all noticed that I'm carrying a tiny dog,

I'm much sassier than you are and I'm wearing Scoundrel?

I thought that you might be kinky.

You have a great face.

You ever consider doing porn?

I think they pay like 3K a day, four for anal.

How do I break in?

Get yourself a little thong, a skimpy top,

and stand on any corner in Chatsworth munchin' a corn dog.

You'll break in.

Thanks.

Don't be jealous, Pumpkin.

Hers are bigger than yours, but you have more of them.

Props to the set please.

Props, come in.

Ooh yeah.

Oh yeah, baby.

Look at this.

Young.

Oh yes.

Yeah, baby.

Yeah, that's it, c'mon.

Let me guess, either too much tofu

or your boyfriend's being an asshole again.

I'm just tryin' to figure out if he's really sincere

or if he's just using me because of my father.

Those kinds of motivations

aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

I've done many opportunists that were extremely genuine.

Here's the deal, darling.

Life is very complicated.

Don't sweat the details and learn to trust your emotions.

Yeah, but sometimes I get blinded by my emotions

and the people I love take advantage of me.

That's perfectly normal.

When it comes to romance, love is blind

and the guide dog needs glasses.

Props to set please.

Anybody know where props is?

Anybody seen Fred around.

I'm tired of looking for those guys.

Hey, wait a minute.

What do you say we check this set out real quick?

We gotta get back.

Nah, we ain't gotta do nothin'.

What do you mean?

I say we make a little history.

That'll be a story we could tell the rest of our lives.

That's right.

This is the set of one of the coolest flicks of all time.

Say we do it right here?

Baby, you look so good.

At least we know no one will bother us.

That's right.

Wait, I'm not finished yet.

That's alright, I'll finish you up in a second.

There's three phases to romantic love.

You're in the first phase now.

That deals with lust, infatuation and desire.

Sounds familiar.

The second phase is nasty

and that lust turns to obligation.

Infatuation changes to indifference

and desire fades to black.

Oh god, that sounds even worse.

It is; that's where you end up.

But the third stage is the best.

That's when you get the wisdom

to realize that ultimately you're all alone.

Of course you have lovers and friends,

but you don't have your happiness rely on their existence.

It's not a matter of life and death.

Unless you're in love with Michael Myers.

Michael Myers.

I always thought that his rubber mask was a cop-out.

I much favored Mr. Freddy Krueger.

Now that man had style and an amazing fashion sense.

I loved his nails.

Well he does have a lot of personality.

Exactly.

If you're gonna be going out with a psycho rocker,

make sure that he has lots of personality.

Too late for that now.

Hey listen, we searched Hunchback.

We searched Psycho lot.

We searched everywhere.

We can't find anything, nothin'.

Someone's gonna have to find

the grips and your lead singer.

This is weird.

Something strange is going on here.

This is why I don't like to do rock videos.

I know, musicians.

They're always such prima donnas.

Thank you.

Hey, do me a favor please.

Get back in the golf cart,

go out there, try and find something.

I need a camera.

I need my lighting rig, the grips, the band, anything.

I can't shoot this thing without them.

I need a million dollars.

Listen, call Regis or learn how to play guitar.

- Just go, please? - Okay, okay.

What a good little rocker.

I like his hair all spiky.

Baby, this is like a trip.

We're like in the middle of a movie together.

Sal, that's the X kicking in.

Ooh, baby.

You're like amazing.

Awesome.

Oh yeah, keep doin' that baby.

Yeah.

Baby, there's somebody behind you.

I don't see anything.

What the fuck?

What the fuck is goin' on here?!

Sal, calm down.

You're high!

What the fuck is going on?!

Oh my god, there was fuckin' somebody behind you.

Sal, there's nobody there!

Sal, you're high, come back.

Sorry dude, now everybody's missin'.

I can't find Stephanie, the band or the chicks.

That's just fucking great.

You bozos get the opportunity of a lifetime

and you can't get your act together.

Okay, get me Gina and we'll do her scene next.

She's gone.

- Oh that's great! - I thought you went off

to the back lot with her to rehearse.

Hey yo, that bitch was hittin' on me.

I let her know I wasn't interested.

Who the hell cares about that?

The point is I have a scene to shoot

and I don't have my actress.

I need her here now.

No you don't, Henry.

I'll do the scene.

Oh, you'll do the scene.

That's interesting, isn't it?

I might as well get something out of this night.

Besides, I'm sure that Dez

would rather have me in his video anyway.

Isn't that right, Dez?

Well,

yeah!

But I'm not getting naked.

Actually it may be a far better idea

if we had singer boy here be the naked one.

What?!

Hey, that's cool.

I could do the Red Hot Chili Peppers' thing.

Chili pepper thing?

Ooh, that sounds painful.

No dude the band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

They used to gig live wearin' nothin' but a sock

to cover the package.

I think that swinging dick would be a much better dynamic.

It captures the intrinsic duality

of the entire milieu.

Henry, I don't think my dad

is gonna wanna see Dez's swinging...

What you said.

Oh my god;

this is pathetic.

You two have no sense of humor.

I was a Pepper fan before you had pubes

and you can't have a swinging cock

in a rock video unfortunately.

No nudity and no socks.

Dude, that is so unrealistic.

We're supposed to be shootin' a scene from a horror movie.

In every horror movie,

there's always somebody gettin' naked.

I'll have Pumpkin take off her sweater at the wrap party.

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

You think that psycho rocker boyfriend of yours

scared off Miss Cellulite?

I don't know, maybe.

He sure has been acting weird.

You're still smoking?

Those things are gonna kill you.

Why do you care?

What've you been sayin' about me?

Oh god, Dez.

Why do you always have to think the whole world

- is talking about you? - People,

are we ready to shoot here?

Yes, we're ready if you want radio.

But if you want visuals, there's just a slight problem.

The band is missing and there's no crew.

Lemme see, the crew has disappeared

and now every band member and their girlfriend.

Great.

Maybe we're bein' stalked by a serial killer.

Or maybe everyone was abducted

by aliens disguised as tiny dogs.

You guys, what if we are being stalked?

By who, the ghost of Ed Wood?

I know who it is.

It's Godzilla's agent.

He's pissed off about that last movie.

No, by Bobby.

He was making death threats when he was fired from the band.

Please honey, you needn't worry.

This studio is super secure.

The biggest stars in the world film here.

Every guard has a gun.

Yeah, but maybe he killed the guard.

That's usually how it starts.

In low-budget splatter movies maybe, but not in real life.

You don't know Bobby, Henry.

That dude was crazy.

I think we should call the police.

And tell 'em what, that we're being stalked

by the Phantom of the Paradise?

They won't come if you don't have a corpse.

How do you know so much about the police?

I used to date a cop, 'least dressed like one.

Let's go check out that spot

where the crew was settin' up that equipment.

- Alright, let's go. - Young man,

that is an excellent idea.

Let's go.

He's gonna be a big star, that boy.

Could you get your little thing to move?

Come on, Pumpkin.

I don't do dogs.

That's not what I heard.

This is nuts.

Alright, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna go over here, you go down there.

- Looks kinda creepy. - It's a good adrenaline rush.

I could think of a better way to get an adrenaline rush.

Oh yeah?

I guess so.

Where is everybody?

This is really pissing me off.

I am starting to wish there really was a murder

because I'll tell you I cannot take

much more of this bullshit!

I'm gonna keep lookin' for those guys.

What, with that killer on the loose?

What killer?

It's the biggest movie studio in the world.

There's more security here

than there are killers on death row.

That sounds like somethin' some people say

right before they get their nuts put in a vice.

Not much chance of that happening to me now, is there Dez?

Can we be serious here?

Like where is everybody?

Lemme see if I can like figure this out.

Three band guys are AWOL and their band chicks are AWOL.

There's a toughie.

We're also missing our crew and vital equipment.

Would you take your fucking dog?

- Don't be rude. - I say we just split up.

I'm gonna go north.

North?

Where the hell is north?

I don't know north.

Gimme left or right.

I'm going with you.

No no no, last thing I need is a girl slowin' me down.

I'm more of a woman than you'll ever be.

I think I'll go take a look around too.

Pumpkin has to poop.

Hey.

Dez is all by his lonesome

up by the Hunchback of Notre Dame set.

I'm done with killing.

Don't really like the hours.

What kinda talk is that for a psycho killer?

You can't start killing people and then stop in the middle.

What about the revenge for everything that happened to you,?

How about that windfall of all that

free publicity, CDs, DVDs, sequels?

Have you lost your mind?

I'm only kidding.

I'm a killing machine.

I'm a killin' machine.

I'm gonna give Dez's stalker a Columbian necktie.

A Columbian what?

That's where I slice open your throat

and I pull your tongue out through the wound.

What's up with the knife, Bobby?

You're really losin' it.

We gotta stick together, okay man?

Alright, but Stephie?

You know what, Bobby?

You can call me that, okay; only you.

Okay, somethin' happened.

What?

The Chelsea chick disappeared.

Huh?

I was chasing her and she was gone.

She was gone.

That it?

That doesn't matter.

No Stephie, that's fucking bad!

That's fucking bad, Stephie!

That's fucking bad!

That's fuckin' bad, Stephie.

We don't care about her, alright?

Alright?

You wanted to get revenge for him firing you.

You wanted to kill Dez and ruin his band;

then let's go and get it done before it's too late.

What if the bitch already called the cops?

Of course she called the cops or she will.

Bobby, did you think you weren't gonna get questioned?

You're the first suspect.

You're the first person they're gonna suspect.

We talked about this and you said you didn't care!

You said you only wanted revenge!

Nobody said anything 'bout any fucking witnesses.

That wasn't part of the plan

'cause you were supposed to make sure

that nobody got outta here alive.

What if she did see you?

It's too late!

What do you wanna do about it now?

I'll tell you what we're gonna do about it now.

I want you to go find her and you go kill her.

'Cause if I go down because of that bitch,

I fuckin' swear to god

you are goin' down with me all the way.

All the way.

What are we gonna do if they can't find the equipment?

If that happens, then the party's over

and I'll just have to do the psycho killer dream sequence

in some other band's video.

Hey, that was our idea.

We could do it if your band hadn't disappeared.

But they have and you can't shoot a band that's not here.

Besides, I recall that you were the one

who was quite offended by the idea.

Well it is kinda different.

Oh, now I see what you're saying.

It's okay now because you're going to be in it.

That's so funny.

Okay, let's see it.

See what?

Don't be coy with me, child.

Let's see the package.

C'mon, show me what you got.

Hmm, that is wonderful material.

Is that silk?

I think it's lace.

I've only switched teams twice in my life,

but you could do it.

What the?

What the hell are you doin', Stephanie?

Putting your nuts in a vice, so to speak.

Are you outta your freakin' mind?

Yes.

You may not know this, but your entire fucking band is dead.

You killed the whole band?

You bitch!

Only Frankie and Shayla and a few asshole crew members,

but Bobby killed all the rest.

Bobby?

That fuckin' asshole's behind this?

Your language is startin' to fuckin' piss me off, alright?

That little pussy!

Past tense Dez, as in he was a little pussy.

I gave him a Columbian necktie

'bout 10 minutes ago.

Not bad considering I only learned

what one was about 12 minutes ago.

Too bad he couldn't make me cum like that when we fucked.

Man, you are one sick, twisted bitch.

This is true.

But also brilliant.

Let me explain.

You see, I knew that Bobby was gonna kill you.

He killed the whole band for that matter,

no matter what I did.

I thought that if I could turn the murders

into a publicity stunt, then I'd be rich.

I talked Bobby into waiting until after you shot the video.

'Course little did he realize that after he killed you,

I'd have to kill him.

That would be the best publicity in the entire world.

Rock band manager kills masked murderer in self-defense.

Think of all the DVDs we'll sell.

You think they're gonna believe you gave him

a Columbian necktie in self-defense?

You dumb bitch.

I really just stabbed him like that scene in Psycho.

I did it in front of the actual Psycho house.

Now that's art.

Let me go, you psycho bitch!

You know Dez, that's another reason

I could never go out with you.

You're such a whiner.

Go out with you?

I just fucked you a couple times.

Who said anything about goin' out?

That's another reason.

You see, I knew pretty soon

Janey would get tired of your shit and drop you;

then where would our profits be?

They'd just disappear.

Now this is the best part.

Rock band gets killed the first night of their first video.

Okay, Mr. Desmond.

Are you ready for your Columbian necktie?

Let me go, you demented motherfucker.

I'm really tired of hearing your shit, Dez.

Where the hell is everybody?

Well well well, for the love of Norman.

Look what we have here.

What is that, Henry?

That, my dear, is our missing fog machine.

How on earth did it get all the way over here?

Hmm, I have no idea.

I suspect someone is perpetrating a prank upon us.

Hopefully, it still functions.

I see what you mean.

It really is creepier with the fog.

You wanna sleep with my dog?

No, I said the fog is really creepy!

You have to take a pee-pee?

No, it's scary!

Of course it's hairy.

It's a dog.

Henry, can you turn

this damn machine off?

Thank you.

That noise was giving me a headache.

I know and the fumes.

Oh my god, that's my camera.

This is strange.

There's a tape in it.

Is that a surprise?

Something very odd is going on around here.

I don't get it, Henry.

Let's see what's on the tape.

My god, is this some kinda joke?

That's Shayla and Frankie!

Looks so real.

That's my father!

That's not prosthetics.

This is so fascinating.

It's horrible!

Henry, please turn it off!

I know this sounds odd, but this is so compelling.

It's so beautiful.

Henry, please tell me you're not in on this.

You know that I could never hurt a fly.

You're not the brightest bulb in the tree, are ya?

Are you ready for your big closeup now?!

Janey, are you okay?

Oh my god, you're alive.

I thought she killed everyone.

I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you.

Stephanie is the killer?

Why?

I know she never liked you very much.

'Course, none of us did.

Why kill everyone?

For the publicity.

Fuck!

Ooh.

Okay.

* One more murder to go now

* Jane Jane Janey

* Janey a foo

* Jane Jane Janey

* Janey Janey Janey Janey

* Janey a foo

Hey Janey, you think the band is gonna be jealous?

Okay!

Alright Monty, what do ya think?

Ya think she's behind door number one,

door number two or door number three?

I say door number two!

No Monty, she ain't there.

Okay.

It's either door number three

or door number one.

Door number three, door number one.

One, three, one, three.

One, two.

I'm sick of this fucking game.

Hey Lucy, I'm home!

Janey!

Janey, where are you?!

Where are you now?!

I got your boyfriend here.

Alright alright,

where is she?

Where's your girlfriend now, Dez?

Bet you wish you had that Japanese sword now, huh?

You've killed like 10 people.

Do you really think you're gonna get away with it?

I don't know, that's the risk that every murderer takes.

Besides I didn't kill everybody, Bobby did.

I had to kill him in self-defense.

You oughta check yourself into a mental institute.

Yeah?

You're not half-bad lookin'.

But I have in good time.

Daddy!

And now we go to Bebi Anderson

at Empire Picture Studios with a special report.

Here we are on location of the actual Backlot Murders

which took place one year ago today.

To recap today's story, Empire Pictures is releasing

the Backlot Murders deluxe DVD.

Some of the material is not shown in the original--

Arlene, you want another?

And in related matter,

the reclusive heroine, Stephanie Knight,

who is the sole survivor of the mass murders

is said to still be suffering

from post-traumatic stress disorder.

I know she did it, Ma.

Probably right.

I remember when she used to come in here.

She had that blue crap in her hair.

She was always a bitch.

Sources tell us that her controversial website,

which shows actual footage of the murders

receives over one million hits a day.

This is Bebi Anderson with ZTV News Brief.

God.

You didn't deserve that.

She's not gonna get away with it.

Are you ready for your closeup now?

Hello, I'm Charles Fleischer.

I'm an actor in Backlot Murders.

This is an exciting production of Dominion Films.

It's directed by David DeFalco starring Hans Lukeman,

Sean Thay-shun and Roger Nieves.

Put the balls in there.

Throw in your nuts.

Are you feeling any pressure there?

What we need is something cutting edge

for alternative media outlets.

That's the.

Sorry.

I've made pigs look kosher.

I knew I shouldn't have taken this job.

All of a sudden this band's not good enough?

Wait, can I finish my line please?

Hey, motherfucker!

That's not good.

Bitch bit me.

Did you get that on camera?

All of a sudden, you're like violently pulled outta frame.

When this comes over here, get your hands onto this

and then you pull ya up this way.

Nowadays you splatter movies

gory special effects.

Cut!

Can you make that a little louder?

I'm draggin' him with one hand,

had the brick in the other one.

He grabbed and kicked me.

Yup probably sure, why not?

Could we do that again?

Unless somebody has a pair of scissors,

you look like a Muppet.

You alright?

We get the retractable knife and stab the crap outta--

Maybe we should light him on fire.

It's a family movie.

- There's blood. - The blood's still running.

Does anyone have a Tampax?

Just shut up.

But also really brilliant.

Lemme explain to you, Bobby.

Fuck, your name is Dez.

I can't be charming and then go to psycho.

It's called a craft.

One second here.

No, I'm aging I've been holding so long.

Fuck!

When you come in, you're like.

Cool, that works.

You should tell your father that he is a very hot man,

especially for an older gentleman.

- Here we go. - Yee-haw!

Wait, did it piddle?

Now the cart won't work.

Someone get out and push.

In these slasher movies, the cars never work.

Well gee.

I used to do shit like this when I was a teenager.

Who do I have to fuck to get off this picture?

Cut!