Original subtitles

(Greek music playing)

(rain pattering)

(thunder rumbles)

(yawning)

You-- you better get married soon.

You-- you’re starting to look... old.

Narrator: My dad’s been saying that to me since I was 15.

’Cause nice Greek girls

are supposed to do three things in life:

marry Greek boys, make Greek babies,

and feed everyone.

Until the day we die.

(engine stops)

Narrator: When I was growing up, I knew I was different.

The other girls were blonde and delicate,

and I was a swarthy six-year-old with sideburns.

I so badly wanted to be like the popular girls,

all sitting together, talking,

eating their Wonderbread sandwiches.

What’s that?

It’s moussaka.

"Moose caca"?

(laughing)

Narrator: And while the pretty girls got to go to Brownies,

I had to go to Greek school.

O nikos ehee,

ena katsiki.

(children repeating)

Narrator: At Greek school, I learned valuable lessons,

like, "If Nick has one goat and Maria has nine,

how soon will they marry?"

O nikos ehee ena katsiki.

Narrator: My mom was always cooking foods

filled with warmth and wisdom.

And never forgetting that side dish

of steaming hot guilt.

Nicko...

You don’t play with the food!

When I was your age, we didn’t have food.

Ma?

What?

Why do I have to go to Greek school?

When you get married,

don’t you want to be able

to write your mother-in-law a letter?

Nicko, c’mon, eat!

Narrator: We lived in a normal, middle-class Chicago neighborhood

of tasteful, modest homes.

Our house, however,

was modeled after the Parthenon,

complete with Corinthian columns

and guarded by statues of the gods.

In case the neighbors had any doubts about our heritage,

they could just check out

our subtle tribute to the Greek flag.

♪ ♪

My dad believed in only two things,

that Greeks should educate non-Greeks about being Greek,

and that any ailment, from psoriasis to poison ivy,

could be cured with Windex.

Six years later, I was 12,

Athena, my older perfect sister, was 15.

And my brother Nick was 11.

Every morning my dad would lecture us

on "the history of our people, the great civilization,"

the Greeks.

Okay, now,

name three things the Greeks did first.

Astronomy, philosophy, and democracy.

Bravo, very good.

Now, give me a word,

any word,

and I’ll show you

how the root of that word is Greek.

(moans)

Gus: Okay?

How about "arachnophobia"?

"Arachna,"

that comes from the Greek word for spider,

and "phobia" is "phovia," is mean fear,

so, fear of spider, there you go.

(sighs)

Girl: Okay, Mr. Portokalos.

How about the word "kimono"?

Uh-huh, "kimono"?

(whispers) Good one.

"Kimono," "kimono," "kimono."

Ha, of course, "kimono,"

is come from the Greek word "himona,"

is mean winter,

so, what do you wear in the wintertime to stay warm?

A robe.

You see, robe,

"kimono," there you go.

(chuckles)

♪ ♪

Bye-bye.

Goodbye, Mr. Portokalos.

(school bell ringing)

Toula!

You should be proud to be Greek.

♪ ♪

(Toula narrates) A couple of more years went by

and my dad brought his mother over from Greece

to live with us,

because we weren’t weird enough.

(speaking Greek)

(chuckles)

(laughing)

Gus: Ah!

Maria: Oh!

Ah, Gusta!

Get her! Where is she?

Go!

Ma, no, please, the Greeks and the Turks friends now!

Toula: We told my grandma the war was over,

but she still slept with a knife under her pillow.

Mama! Mama!

Mama! Oh!

(people shouting)

Stop hitting me!

Nicko, be careful.

She has a very mean punch.

(shouting)

Maria: Come back!

(kids laughing)

Maria: Please, come back!

Toula: Nice Greek girls who don’t find a husband,

work in the family restaurant.

So, here I am.

Day after day, year after year.

30, and way past my expiration date.

My god.

Woman: Oh! It’s freezing!

Toula, you closed last night,

you’re opening this morning?

I have no life.

Ah, Toula, you talk to me sometime, eh?

Ma, you’re gonna make me swallow my tongue.

Ah.

Woman: Toula!

Is Nikki here?

Uh-uh.

Hmm.

What’s up, Thea?

No, my Nikki.

She was supposed to come over to curl my hairs.

Nick, did you check the meat before you signed for it?

Yeah, I checked it.

It better be fresh.

Toula: My brother has two jobs,

to cook, and to marry a Greek virgin.

Voula, have something to eat before you go to work.

No.

Toula: If nagging was an Olympic sport,

my Aunt Voula would have a gold medal.

Taki!

You couldn’t wait for me?

Sorry, sorry.

(sighs)

Sorry, sorry, don’t sorry me.

Ugh, look at this.

A rash, somebody gave me the mati.

Put some Windex on it.

Oh, Gus, please, please!

Voula, this works!

Last night, my toe was as big as my face.

No!

(scoffs)

So why you not wait for me?

Because... he wants to talk.

Anyway, I tell her,

I will send her to Greece to find somebody.

She-- she not too old.

She’s okay.

In Greece...

don’t tell anyone how old she is.

Ah!

She won’t go!

She won’t go?

She won’t go?

It’s like... she don’t want to get married.

(speaks Greek)

C’mon, boys, c’mon in, go see Uncle Nick. Go on in.

Toula: My sister married young

and became a Greek baby breeding machine.

(boys chattering)

Argh!

(boys scream)

Man: Hey, you guys, c’mon, get out!

Just a quick coffee.

I have to drop the boys off at hockey,

and then I gotta get to The Jewel.

Pantyhose are on for 99 cents.

Oh, and then the priest is coming to bless the new house,

so I have to make diples.

Can you believe it, I’m out of honey.

Put that back for me.

I’ve had it, Angelo.

Get off my back, Nikki.

Angelo!

Nikki! Shut up, Nikki!

Toula: My cousins have two volumes,

loud and louder.

Nikki: ...your big-ass girlfriend. Thanks, Toula.

Toula: Sure.

Angelo: Hey, Toula, we’re not that late!

Oh, Angelo, Angelo!

Nikki: Hi, everybody.

Mwah! Mwah.

Nikki, how come you no come to curl my hairs this morning?

Ma, I had to drop Dimos at work,

and now I gotta go open the travel agency,

because, you know, some jag-off,

and his big-ass girlfriend are too busy.

Ma, tell her I open up the dry-cleaners every day,

and I think it’s about time she did something for a change.

Excuse me?

Do you know who’s at the dry-cleaner this morning?

You’re always at the beauty parlor.

My husband’s at the dry-cleaner.

...your nails and hair and everything.

Don’t you talk about my hair. You are so lazy.

You and your big-ass girlfriend do nothing!

(mocks)

Did somebody sit on your hair?

I mean, it looks a little flat there.

Angelo, bite me!

Disgusting. Be a lady!

Ow.

Ma!

Oh, Angelo, oh!

Okay, c’mon, boys! Let’s go!

Athena, when did you come?

Hi, Ma, bye, Ma.

What, you’re going?

I’m going to The Jewel.

Listen, I’ll get you some pantyhose.

No queen size, they make me look fat.

Nicko: Outside with you. No more fun and games.

Boy: Kosto did it.

Kosto: I didn’t do it.

No. (laughs)

Who put the menus there?

(boys shouting)

(sighs)

Toula, what’s this?

Toula, what is this?

I don’t know.

Boys: Mama, mama!

Go on.

C’mon.

Now, don’t forget, I need the diples and--

And the pastitsio for the papa!

You told me, Athena, go, my god!

Okay, okay!

(boys all speaking)

Alright, alright, we’re gonna go.

Bye!

I wanna drive.

You drive, you drive me crazy. Let’s go, c’mon!

Watch your step. Just watch--

don’t run, don’t run!

Get in the car!

(door shuts)

(bell jingles)

To me, she look okay.

Okay? What, okay? No, okay!

She’s not okay.

Look, Athena’s married, with three children.

And I’ll get married, Pops.

I promise.

(chuckles)

You have plenty of time...

Nicko.

Man: And you’ll always have Toula

to run the restaurant.

Oh, it’s true, Toula will never leave you.

(mutters)

(people chattering)

♪ ♪

(sniffles)

Toula: I wish I had a different life.

I wish I was braver and prettier,

or just happy.

But it’s useless to dream,

because nothing ever changes.

♪ ♪

Hey, what’s goin’ on?

Hey, man. How are you?

Good, you?

Oh, good, mm-mm.

Cool place.

Yeah, it’s adorable.

(people chattering)

You missed a hell of a party the other night.

(man scoffs)

Man 2: Look, look at that.

That could’ve been you with that arm around her.

You set me up with her already.

Nancy?

Henson’s picnic.

No, that-- no, that was, uh, Pamela.

This is Nancy.

They look the same.

Well, maybe.

So, you want me to set you up?

They’re all the same, Mike.

Hi.

Hi.

(chuckles) How are you?

My brain...

stopped, you know?

You ever have one of those days,

when you say, "rrr," going along and then, "rrr," stop.

Yeah, here I am, just standing here,

your own private Greek statue.

Ha, ha!

Could I get some more coffee?

Please?

Sure.

Thank you.

Alright.

Here, give me some of this.

Ah... (inhales sharply, claps)

Alright, let’s go.

What do you mean? I just got here.

I know, I got a class, though.

Hey, I love the spice on these potatoes.

What is that?

Like I care, c’mon, let’s go.

I’m giving a pop quiz,

and I can’t wait to hear the groans.

Man: Man, you’re tough.

I’m giving a test on Hamlet, but I gave fair warning.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Keep the change.

♪ ♪

(door opens)

(door closes)

Nicko: You like this, Pops?

For the new menu?

Where’d you get that?

(door closes)

I-- I drew it, Dad.

Hmm!

(door opens)

Dad?

(door closes)

Dad?

(muttering)

Dad, I’ve been going through our inventory and, um...

I’ve noticed that we’ve been doing

a lot of unnecessary ordering.

Um, so I’ve been thinking

that maybe we should update our system.

Like, we could get a computer.

Uh, I don’t know if you remember,

but I got all "A’s" in computers,

but there’s a lot of new stuff to learn now,

so, um, if you want,

I could go to college and take a few courses.

Why? (crying)

Why you want to leave me?

I’m not leaving you.

Don’t you want me do something with my life?

Ah, yes!

Get married, make babies!

You look so old!

Ah!

(door opens, closes)

(sighs)

Toula?

Toula?

C’mon, Toula.

(crying)

I know what you want.

You have, how you say, have a spirit, huh?

You want to see things, you want to learn.

I know, you’re from my side, huh?

C’mon, don’t you worry, I’m gonna talk to him.

Ma, Dad is so stubborn.

What he says, goes.

(mimics Gus) "Ah, the man is the head of the house."

Let me tell you something, Toula.

The man is the head,

but the woman is the neck,

and she can turn the head any way she wants, hmm?

Ah, my baby.

(sniffles)

Don’t cry, don’t cry, c’mon.

And what is wrong with Toula going to school downtown?

There’s drugs downtown.

Maria: What are you saying?

Are you saying that Toula will get involve with drugs?

No, but somebody will say to her,

"Ah, take this bag down to the bus depot,"

and she’ll do it!

She is not stupid, she’s smart!

I know she’s smart.

So what for she needs more school?

She’s smart enough for a girl.

Oh!

You think you’re smarter than me, huh?

No, I mean, you know, you know, uh--

What?

What do you mean?

I run the restaurant, I cook, I clean,

I wash for you, and I raise three kids,

and I teach Sunday school!

You know?

It’s lucky for me I have you to tie my shoes!

Maria, Mar--

♪ ♪

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Oh, sure.

Hi.

♪ ♪

Will you relax? Voula’s right.

(chattering)

That’s what I want to talk to you about.

I’m not-- what are you talking about?

What, my butt, my butt?

I don’t like my butt, Taki likes it.

Listen, I’m not going to pretend that the travel business

is something that I’ve always wanted to do, Ma.

Like, I’m not going to pretend that,

but what I’m saying is that it’s different.

Now, you know I’ve been learning about computers, right?

Well, there’s this course, it’s a seminar.

It’s all about computers and tourism,

and they’re all the latest applications and programs.

And I can apply it here, Thea.

And your business would double,

like, it would triple and you could be with Theo more,

and you can take a vacation,

like, I can book it for you.

But Thea, would you hire me?

Of course.

Oh, my god!

Ah.

Oh, my god, okay, okay!

What did you think?

I’m sorry.

Oh, my god, Ma, oh, my god!

We must let Gusta think this was his idea.

Alright, I know.

That he came up with it.

Ma, he’s gonna figure it out.

Don’t you worry.

Okay, I know what to do.

You don’t know what to do. You talk, talk, talk, all the time.

Do you want my help?

Yes, I want your help.

Tell me what to say, but don’t tell me what to say.

Perfect. That’s good.

So, Voula, how is business?

Oh, woe to me.

Business is bad.

I don’t know what’s the matter, what’s happening?

You need money?

No, no, no.

What she means is that with the two businesses,

she suffers.

She suffers?

She suffers.

She has to be at the travel agency alone all day,

because everybody else needs to be working

at the big dry-cleaning store.

That’s right, I make Taki go to the dry-cleaner store

and now I have no time with him.

So, send Angelo or Nikki to the travel agency

and you’ll be with Taki at the dry cleaner.

That would be good.

That would be no good!

No good?

No good, no good.

Because, neither Angelo or Nikki know how to use the computer.

And that’s why that no work.

No work, computer?

Hmm.

Ah, I have your answer!

(laughs)

Yeah?

Toula, will go to the travel agency.

And you send Nikki here to work for us.

Oh, I can’t believe this.

Wonderful.

Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful!

You see, a man.

Yes.

You’re so smart.

Gus, Gus, oh, Gus, bravo!

♪ ♪

Hello, Mrs. Christakos, thanks for holding.

Okay, your request flew up confirmed,

so it is now PNR’d.

Okay, hold again, please.

Hi, British Airways.

Hi, I’m gonna need a hard tic on that one.

Yeah, "reading alpha, bravo, foxtrot, Charley, roger,"

copy that.

Hi, Mrs. Christakos,

Your tickets are now in the mail under Doreen Christakos.

Okay, thank you, bye-bye.

(laughs)

(TV playing)

(doorbell ringing)

I got it.

Did you lose this?

Oh, Mrs. White, you find my mama again.

You know, she comes from Greece.

The country I come from, too.

Oh, for godsake, I know, listen!

Keep your mother off my lawn,

out of my basement, and away from my roof!

Mrs. White, c’mon, give me a word, any word,

and I show you that the root of that word...

is Greek.

Look, everybody! Look who’s back again.

Both: Hi, Yiayia.

Sit down, Yiayia, very good.

Toula, there are two kinds of people.

Greeks, and everybody else who wish they was Greek.

Okay, yes, we know!

What’s the matter with her?

♪ ♪

(phone ringing)

Hi, Mt. Olympus Travel Agency, may I help you?

Well, sure, that’s what we do.

Man: Hey, sorry! Hey!

Absolutely.

Ah, right.

Man: I’m sorry, lady.

Um, sure.

Well, what you can do is, you can book it now.

(door opens, closes)

I can reserve the seat for you.

Be with you in a second. That would be no problem.

Alright, just call me back when you’re ready to book.

Okay, thank you, bye-bye.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you want to see some brochures?

Uh! Uh!

Found ’em.

(both laughing)

Oh, honest to god.

Hey, look at this.

No.

And then, whoosh.

You were gone. I thought you fainted.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I was like swept off my feet

by your very cool opening line of "hi."

Oh, hm.

So, Toula.

Ian.

Ian Miller.

Toula Porloparkas?

Portokalos, Portokalos.

Okay, Toula.

Alright, then.

Was that a biker fight or a nose job?

Oh.

Yeah.

No, really.

You don’t want to know.

Oh, I don’t know about that,

if I survived an old lady ass-kicking,

I think I’d brag about it.

Oh.

Hey, Jesus.

Ouch.

Do you want to have dinner with me?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Ian: Actually, I wasn’t in education first,

I was pre-law.

My dad’s a lawyer, and my grandfather’s a lawyer,

and... it just wasn’t for me,

so, I picked a new major.

And the parents weren’t too pleased, you know?

Yeah.

I think it, um...

I think it takes a pretty strong person to do that.

Well, you know everything about me then.

I’m a pretty strong vegetarian teacher.

Who grew up in Lincoln Park,

and I don’t know anything about you,

except you’re Greek.

Hey.

Would you like to go have Greek food?

Oh, that’s okay.

No, listen, I know this really great place,

you probably know it. Zorba, something.

Anyway, I’d like to take you there, if you’d like to go?

No, I don’t wanna go there.

What do you mean, why not?

Um, that place, "Dancing Zorba’s."

"Dancing Zorba’s"!

My family owns that restaurant.

Really?

I remember you.

You’re that waitress.

Seating hostess, actually.

I remember you.

I was kind of going through a phase.

Up till now,

and, uh...

I was frump-girl.

I don’t remember frump-girl, but I remember you.

Okay, no Greek.

Uh, Italian, tomorrow night?

Okay.

Where you going?

I’m taking a pottery class.

The Greeks invented pottery.

Hmph.

♪ ♪

(Ian and Toula laughing, chatting)

Dad’s crazy, right?

So, it’s just me all alone,

up in the mountains in this cottage

with my parents all summer.

Well, don’t all your cousins go up, too?

(chuckles) No!

I only have two cousins.

They live in Wisconsin.

You only have two cousins?

Yeah.

How many do you have?

(scoffs) More than two.

Well, who else?

Don’t you have brothers or sisters?

What are your parents like?

Ah...

What?

Well...

Okay, Christmas?

What do you do for Christmas with your family?

Uh, my Mom makes roast lamb.

Mm, with mint jelly?

No.

And...?

And...

I’m Greek, right?

Right.

So, what happens is my dad and my uncles,

they fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain.

And then my Aunt Voula forks the eyeball

and chases me around with it,

trying to get me to eat it,

’cause it’s gonna make me smart.

See, you have two cousins, I have 27 first cousins.

Just 27 first cousins alone,

and my whole family is big and loud,

and everybody’s in each other’s lives

and business all the time.

Like you never just have a minute alone, just to think,

’cause we’re always together, just eating, eating, eating.

The only other people we know are Greeks,

’cause Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks.

To be loud, breeding, Greek eaters.

Wow.

I’m serious.

No one in my family has ever gone out

with a non-Greek before, no one!

And you’re...

You’re just...

you know, wonderful.

But I just don’t see how this is gonna work out.

So...

Work out? What’s-- what’s to work out?

We’re not a different species.

Yes, we come from different backgrounds,

and hey, here’s some news about my life to this point--

it’s boring. then I met you,

and you’re interesting.

And you’re beautiful and fun,

and you got a weird family, who doesn’t?

You know?

I just want to spend some time with you.

I just want to spend a little time with you.

Did you say I’m beautiful?

♪ ♪

Yes.

Ian: Which house is yours?

Toula: Ah, this is good, actually.

Could you stop?

Sure.

Right here is good, just stop.

Thanks.

(engine stops)

Goodnight.

♪ ♪

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

♪ ♪

Okay, goodnight.

What?

No, no, no, don’t go.

Goodnight.

Don’t go.

♪ And I can make a man out of you ♪

♪ ’Cause I’m a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪

♪ I’ll-- ♪

Ah, happy again today, Toula, huh?

Yeah.

Now, every time I see you, you have a great big smile.

Nicko: Hey, Ma.

Hey, Nicko, where’d you go?

Nowhere.

What did you do?

Nothing.

Who did you see?

No one.

Wait a minute, Nicko, I put them in your room.

Toula. Your class, how is your class?

My pottery class?

Uh-huh.

It’s great.

Good, good.

You’ve got to get out of here.

C’mon, just one more kiss and I’ll go.

Mmm.

No.

I promise.

What...

is going on?

Mr. Pottery Class, nice to meet ya.

Ian, this is my cousin, Nikki.

Oh, hello.

It’s nice to finally meet a member of Toula’s family.

Yeah, well...

(sighs)

I’m the least of your worries.

Listen, the family knows.

Last night, Vicki Pavlopoulos saw ya suckin’ the lips

off his head in the Denny’s parking lot.

Well, she told her ma, who told my ma,

who told your ma.

Let me put it this way, you’re busted!

Dad: You sneak around all over Chicago,

but you never come here to ask me,

can you date my daughter?

Well, I’m sorry,

I’d ask you if I can date your daughter,

but, sir, she’s 30 years old.

Gus: I am the head of this house!

Okay, may I please date your daughter?

No!

I’ll see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

Okay, oh, boy.

Excuse me.

Didn’t I say,

it’s a mistake to educate women?

But nobody listened to me.

Now, we have a boyfriend in the house.

Is he a nice Greek boy?

Oh, no, no, no, Greek!

No Greek, a xeno!

Xeno with the big long hairs

on top of his head!

Gusta.

God!

I’m sorry I lied to you.

(sighing)

Okay, Toula.

Maybe you are having a little romance, hmm?

But end it now.

I love him.

Oh, Toula, eat something.

Please.

Your father has a friend for dinner.

(Greek music playing)

(loud nose blowing)

(engine stops)

(music stops)

What’s this? Where are we?

My apartment. You wanna go up?

♪ ♪

This is it.

(lamp breaking)

♪ ♪

(speaking Greek)

(bell ringing)

Don’t worry, they’re gonna love you.

♪ ♪

Toula. Now that’s not a name you hear every day.

Does it mean anything in your language?

Well, my Greek name, Fotoula,

means "light of God."

Oh.

Who would like a coffee?

Hm...

So, you’re Greek, uh, then, huh?

What’s your last name?

Portokalos.

In Greek it means orange.

Like an orange that you eat.

Like the one with the peel,

not the color.

Oh...

Yeah, it’s really Greek.

Rodney, didn’t you once have a Greek receptionist?

No, Harriet, she was, um...

Just a minute--

Oh, no, no, she was Armenian.

Is Armenia close to Greece?

Not exactly.

What was she?

Who?

My secretary, for heavensake!

Ah, oh, everyone like cheesecake?

Guatemalan!

Oh, that’s right, dear, she was Guatemalan.

Yep.

♪ ♪

I love you.

I love you.

(sighs)

I don’t...

I don’t know how to say this.

What?

Will you marry me?

Yes!

(both laugh)

Yes!

(laughing)

Alright, ’cause now you can have this!

Come here.

(laughing)

Enough.

Enough!

What? Don’t you walk away from me!

Sit down!

Gusta, they love each other.

It’s-- it’s done!

How...

How can she do this to me?

She didn’t do this to you or to me.

They fell in love, it-- it happens.

Is he a good boy? I don’t know.

Is he from a good family?

I don’t know.

Does he-- is he respectful? I don’t know.

I don’t know, I don’t know,

because nobody talk to me about nothing no more.

A respectful boy would come here and ask for my permission.

My daughter engaged to a xeno.

I always think she gonna be married

in the Greek Orthodox church.

Why is she doing this to me?

Ian: ...and leave space.

Sometimes that space is so big,

that the roof can’t support itself, so it collapses.

Uh, excuse me.

Try not to be too loud.

(kids laughing)

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

What’s-- what’s goin’ on?

Are you okay?

Can we go to Vegas?

What?

Can we go to Niagara Falls?

How about Fiji? Do you want to go to Fiji?

Sure.

Okay, let’s go.

C’mon, let’s just go.

Hey, hey, come here.

What’s the matter?

♪ ♪

I just feel like we can’t get married,

not like this.

It’s like, when I’m with you,

I am so happy,

but my family is so unhappy.

And our wedding should be this joyous thing,

but it won’t be for them,

because it can’t be at our church.

Mm-hmm.

So, let’s just go somewhere.

Please, let’s just go, let’s just go!

Hey, I love you.

Why?

Why do you love me?

Because I came alive when I met you.

But my family.

You’re a part of your family...

and I’ll do anything...

whatever it takes to get them to accept me.

’Cause you’re my life now, you’re my whole life now.

We’re not gonna skulk off and get married and--

as if we’re ashamed of ourselves.

Okay?

Okay.

Did you say "skulk"?

Shut up.

Let’s just skulk off somewhere?

C’mon, talk to him, Toula loves him.

Do it for Toula, c’mon.

Ah!

C’mon, he wants to get married in the church.

Go, go!

Alright.

C’mon, c’mon.

So, you’re gonna be baptized tomorrow, huh?

Yeah.

It’s your lucky day

to be baptized in the Greek Orthodox church.

Nikki gonna be your godmother.

You know, the word "baptism,"

come from the Greek word "vaptisia."

(man sings in Greek)

That where we dip the baby

in a beautiful little silver basin.

(speaking Greek)

(speaking Greek)

(singing and speaking Greek)

That’s not so bad, huh?

Are you kidding?

Any minute now, he’s gonna look at me and go,

"Oh, right, you’re so not worth this."

Yes, you are.

♪ ♪

(laughs)

You’re all oily.

Mm-hmm.

I’m Greek now.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

So, for Happy Easter, we say, "Christos Anesti."

Then the other person says back, "Alithos Anesti."

So, if you want to say Happy Easter you go,

"Christos Anesti," so try it.

Chreesto Anasty.

That’s good.

Hey, Dad.

Hmph.

Mr. Portokalos, Chreesto Anasty.

(groans, speaks Greek)

He likes you.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Yianni, I told you to watch the boys!

Athena, assai mai.

They’ll be fine with the video games.

You turn their brains to mush.

Ah, I can’t do anything right!

Ian, if you’re gonna be in this family.

I get you some earplugs, because the Portokalos women,

if they not nagging somebody,

they die!

Oh, you’re in so much trouble when I tell my sister.

Tell me what?

Get into the kitchen!

Ah, Toula, Christos Anesti.

(shouting)

Alithos anesti, Thea, alithos anesti.

Toula, Toula, you’re engaged!

You’re engaged!

We never think it could happen for you.

Never, never!

Taki, didn’t we say that?

We never think this day would come, never!

Never, and it came!

Is this him?

Yes, sorry, everyone, this is Ian.

Together: Ian!

Christ has risen for sure if Toula found a husband.

Christos Anesti!

Nice to meet you.

(speaking Greek)

(Greek music playing)

Ohpa!

Man: Hello, Ian!

Ohpa!

I want to see the rock.

Hey, Ian.

Hey.

Hey, you like that dance?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, okay.

Jennie has something she wants to ask.

No.

She does.

Shut up, go ask her.

Jennie, just ask me.

Toula, does he have any brothers?

No, he’s an only child.

You know, I gotta tell ya,

I’ve never seen my sister so happy.

Oh.

If you hurt her, I’ll kill you,

and make it look like an accident.

Hey, Ian, Jesus, look at your face,

it’s just a joke. It’s just a joke.

Good one.

No, the good one is I got a gun.

Yeah, I got gun and I swear

I’ll jam it right up your--

Ian, I got you again, I got you again, Ian.

Here, eat some rice.

I don’t want any-- I’m good, Thea, I’m good.

You know what I could do?

I could snap you like a chicken!

C’mon, lighten up, lighten up!

I’ll lighten ya,

I’ll lighten ya, when I take out your kidneys.

Oh, hey!

One more time, Ian.

Hey, Angelo!

Hey, Ian, we’re gonna kill ya!

Ohpa!

Ohpa!

(cheering)

Ian, Aunt Voula.

Let me touch your hair.

Let me.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, Aunt Voula?

Aunt Voula?

Yes?

Okay.

Okay, okay.

When you come to my house, and I cook for you.

Okay.

Oh, ah, Thea, that might be a problem.

What problem, I the best cook in the family,

tell him.

Oh, I did, didn’t I?

Twice.

Okay, then.

Ah!

Um, it’s just, uh, Thea...

Ian is a vegetarian. He doesn’t eat meat.

He don’t eat no meat?

No, he doesn’t eat meat.

(loudly) What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat?

(music stops abruptly)

Oh, that’s okay, that’s okay, I’ll make lamb.

Come, come!

(chattering)

♪ ♪

Come dance with me!

Ohpa!

Greek!

You watch Greek!

♪ ♪

(whispers) Silence.

(chuckles)

Hmm?

It’s delicious.

Oh.

We took a look at my calendar and, uh-- our calendar.

Set a day for the big day,

sometime at the end of October, mid-November.

Sometime in there, yeah.

Oh, wonderful.

I’ll call the club and see what’s open.

The club?

The North Shore Country Club,

for the wedding, of course.

Oh, we’re gonna get married in Toula’s church.

’Cause we’re not very religious and her family is,

really is.

Show ’em the brochure.

Oh, god, yeah!

My cousin Nikki made me this.

She tends to, uh, save things,

this is from her prom, she makes lamps and, uh...

Well, tell ’em about, we got this great big hall.

Uh, what’s it called for the reception?

Aphrodite’s Palace.

It’s not really a palace.

Here’s a brochure.

That Parthenon backdrop, that’s optional.

Yes, yes, Maria, if we invite the Demacopoulos,

we have to invite the Adamopouloses!

They’re cousins!

Ah, Kosto, xero!

Alright!

(speaks Greek)

Dad, the thing is that we just want to keep it small.

It’s like you’d rather go bankrupt

than insult anyone from the church.

Toula, I come to this country

with eight dollars in my pocket.

To make all this for you,

and... who knows

how long I’m gonna be alive.

(boys playing outside)

Let me see the list.

Ah...

Nikko: Let go of my arm!

Okay, okay!

C’mon, okay, time out!

Time out!

No more punching Theo Nicko’s ’nads, okay?

Foti, stop hitting Theo Nicko!

Foti, look at you, how big you are!

Too’soo, too’soo, too’soo!

Too, too, too!

Man: Boys, c’mon, soccer practice, let’s go!

Is she spitting on him?

Woman: Now, go on, go outside with your father.

Yeah. It’s for good luck. It keeps the devil away.

Oh.

Boy: Bye, wait for me!

Dad?

Where’d you get that?

Well, I drew it, Dad, for the new menu, remember?

Hmph.

Ma, I’m hungry.

Okay, Nicko.

Ian, are you hungry?

Uh, no, I already ate.

Okay, I make you something.

Okay.

Now, Toula, we have to have Tommy Cassimatis!

Hey, let me help you with those.

What is wrong with Tommy Cassimatis?

Hey, I don’t know them, okay?

Well, who cares? They’re related to me!

Why are you being so weird?

I’m not being weird.

Yes, you are, you’re weird when you’re pregnant.

Ooh, ah, ah, ah!

Ian, eat!

Eat!

How do you say "thank you" in Greek?

Oraya visia.

Oraya visia?

That’s it, you got it.

Oraya visia!

What?

(laughing)

Hey, Toula?

Yeah?

Listen, I got the greatest connection for your invitations.

Hey.

No, Nick, we’re gonna order our own invitations, okay?

I don’t want something that your cash-only connection

gets us that falls off the back of a truck.

Yeah, but they come through, right?

For godsake, Toula, let the man talk.

I mean, why are you always so stubborn?

Athena, I’m not stubborn, I’m just saying here...

Look...

Now, girls, I ordered the invitations two weeks ago.

Ma, I never saw a wedding invitation.

I go get them.

Oh, Ma!

Wait till you see them.

Oh, bravo!

Um, my parents names are Rodney and Harriet.

"Rodney and Harry"?

Women: "Rodney and Harry."

Rodney, Harry!

Hey, Ian, I didn’t notice, so, I bet they won’t.

Yassas, everybody!

Hi, Yiayia.

Wait, I’ve got the biggest scoop.

Look at the earrings I have found

that match the bridesmaid’s dresses!

Okay, I remembered.

We have a customer at the dry-cleaners

who’s a custom jewelry designer.

So, I showed her the fabric.

Wait, wait, what do these match?

Not that fabric you showed me last week?

You said you liked it.

I said I’d think about it.

That’s just because...

You couldn’t visualize it.

Oh!

Nikki!

Oh, you’re so beautiful!

Don’t worry, you don’t have to do a thing.

Athena: That’s classy.

Nikko: I went by the college and picked this up.

Look.

I’m gonna start slowly, you know,

do a couple of night courses.

I just wanted to learn more about painting

and art and stuff, so...

This is so great.

Yeah, you started it.

You wanted to do something else, Toula.

And you did it.

Hey, Toula.

Don’t let your past dictate who you are,

but let it be part of who you will become.

Nick, that is so beautiful.

Yeah, that "Dear Abby,"

she really knows what she’s talking about.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hi, Ma, it’s me, tee kanees.

Calla.

Alright, um, Ian is gonna come pick me up

and then we’re gonna go and get his parents,

and then we’re gonna be there in one hour, okay?

Good, good.

Okay. (sighs)

So, is everything okay, what are you doing?

I peel the potatoes.

What are you peeling potatoes for?

I peeled some this morning.

I know, but we need more.

Well, how much are you cooking for these people?

It’s a lot of people.

There’s three of them.

And us.

And us makes seven.

And the family.

The family?

You invited the-- the whole family?

Of course.

Ma, I said, "Come for a quiet dinner

and meet my parents."

They might as well meet the whole family, right?

Maria!

I gotta go, Taki’s here, bye!

I’m coming!

Ah!

Look at-- bravo, bravo!

Huh? Huh?

Okay, hurry, put it on the spit!

♪ ♪

(Greek music playing)

Eerthanai!

They’re here!

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Welcome to my home.

Um, over here, is my brother Ted,

and his wife, Melissa, and their children,

Anita, Diane and Nick.

Over here, my brother Tommy.

His wife, Angie, and their children,

Anita, Diane and Nick.

And here, my brother George,

his wife Freida and their children,

Anita, Diane and Nick.

Taki, Sophie, Carrie, Nick,

Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick.

And Nick, Nick.

Ah, Nikki.

And I am Gus!

Oh, they’re here!

Well, where?

Excuse me!

Oh, hello!

I am Maria Portokalos and welcome,

welcome to our home!

Thank you.

What is it?

It’s a bundt.

A bun?

Bundt.

Bung, b-bunk, bunk.

Bundt!

Buneeet?

Bundt!

Bundt!

It’s okay.

(speaks Greek)

It’s a cake, I know.

Thank you, thank you, very, very much.

There’s a hole in this cake.

Toula: These are some of my cousins, um...

Hey, Ian!

Nick!

Good to see you, man.

Listen, you know, I really think you should say...

(speaking Greek)

It means "Everyone, let’s come in the house."

I think everybody will really like it.

"Echo trehe arhea"?

Yeah, that’s good, very good, you got it.

I’m not fallin’ for that again, Nick.

What?

Yeah, what.

Angelo.

How do you say "Everyone, let’s go in the house"?

(speaking Greek)

Hmm?

Everyone!

(laughing)

Oh, you’re in so much trouble!

So, this is from Mykonos,

beautiful island.

See that? That’s where we from.

Oh.

You like ’em, I make ’em.

Oh.

Come sit, go, go!

Sit, sit, come, go, go, go, now!

Sit down, sit down!

Thank you.

Now you are family.

Okay, all my life,

I had a lump at the back of my neck, right here.

Always, a lump.

Then I started menopause and the lump got bigger,

from the hormonees, it started to grow.

So, I go to the doctor and he did the bia-

beeo-- the-- the biosee-- the beop-- the bibopsy.

And inside the lump,

he found teeth and a spinal column.

Yes, inside the lump, was my twin.

Ugh!

Spanakopita!

You hungry?

Thea, Thea, ella.

I love it when you speak in Greek.

Really?

Oh, it’s sexy.

Havin’ a good time?

Alright, c’mon.

Rodney and Harry, ouzo?

Thank you.

Um-um!

That’s licorice!

It’s delicious.

Stin iyia sas!

Stin iyia sas!

Ohpa!

Together: Ohpa!

Another.

You Greek now, don’t be shy, don’t!

Y’iasas.

Together: Y’iasas.

Y’iasas.

Ohpa!

Together: Ohpa!

Together: Ohpa!

(distorted) Don’t worry, I’ll be back.

Turkey! Sihamainee Turkey!

Gus: The meat is here, everybody!

Meat is very good. Very good, ah!

Would you like some meat, some Greek meat, very good!

Very good, eh?

You like?

Uh, red meat, everybody, eh?

Excuse me, coming through, coming through!

And now, the bun cake.

Woman: You fixed it!

Gus: I tried, you tried!

We all nice to them, you see it,

and they look at us like we from the zoo!

Maria: Gusta, please!

This no work, this no work, Maria!

They-they-- they different people.

So dry!

That family is like a piece of toast.

No honeys, no jams, just dry!

My daughter!

My daughter, going to marry Ian Miller, a xeno.

I know.

Xeno with a toast family!

Shh!

I never think this could happen to us.

I tried to put little marmalade.

Oh, no, they don’t like this stuff!

They like themselves all dry and cracky.

Aah! (speaks Greek)

And in Toula’s church,

the best man’s actually part of the ceremony.

He’s got to be Greek Orthodox, so...

I can’t ask you to be my best man.

Although, technically you are.

Whoa, you were gonna ask me to be your best man?

Well, yeah.

I am touched!

I had no idea you had so few friends.

Well, you know, that’s okay.

Just get me a little badge that says "best man,"

or something like that, that’ll be fine.

Hey, uh, no offense, but...

This girl’s family’s got you by the short ones, huh?

I mean, they say jump and you pull out the trampoline.

Yeah, okay.

My life is shit, okay?

Hey, Mike, Toula’s got a lot of cousins.

Fix you up?

Yeah, that’s gonna happen.

Toula.

What is wrong?

Alright.

Is my marriage killing Dad?

Toula, your father is your father.

He just wants you to be happy.

But I am happy.

Ah...

Listen to me, Toula.

My village saw many wars.

Turkish, German.

They all made a mess.

♪ ♪

And my mother-- my mother, she said,

"We’re lucky. We’re lucky to be alive!"

And I thought, "We’re not lucky to be alive.

"We’re not lucky when they’re telling us

where we should live, what we should eat!"

Nobody has that right.

And then...

I see you,

and I see Athena, and Nicko.

We came here for you.

So you could-- so you could live.

I gave you life,

so that you could live it.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(phone ringing)

Ma!

The band needs to be picked up at the airport!

(loud chattering)

Ma?

Ah, the bride is awake!

Wait, wait!

What is that?

(gasping)

Oh no.

Oh, my god!

(shouting)

Where did everybody go?

It’s a mosquito bite.

It’s a zit.

I have cover-up.

Hello, ladies, fresh baklava.

Nicko!

Give me the camera!

Give me the camera!

Toula, Toula!

Help me, c’mon!

No boys allowed!

Oh, nice mustache, Nikki.

Thank you.

Nicko, let’s go, let’s go.

Dad, is that my tux?

No, this one.

Nick, go to the airport and pick up the band.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Hey, what’s that thing?

It’s a mosquito bite.

Put some Windex.

I’ve got the cover-up!

You’re all nuts!

Why are you here?

You’re supposed to get changed at my house!

Get out, get out!

(shouting)

There she is, Toula, I want to talk to you.

Now?

This is a very special night for you.

You have your duties.

One more, one more, one more!

One big one!

Toula, on my wedding night.

My mother, she said to me,

"Greek women, we may be lambs in the kitchen,

but we are tigers in the bedroom."

Ew, please let that be the end of your speech.

What is going on here?

Why isn’t anybody ready? The photographer’s here.

♪ ♪

(screaming)

Do you need sponging?

Toula: I’m alright.

(loud chattering)

Get some more on the top!

That’s it. More hairspray!

She’s ready!

I’m a snowbeast.

Together: Aww!

You’re not a snowbeast.

♪ ♪

(organ playing)

(spitting)

Oh, god.

(spitting)

(speaking Greek)

How are we supposed to know what’s going on?

It’s all Greek to me.

Oh, Rodney.

(singing in Greek)

This is it.

What?

We take our first steps as husband and wife.

Are you ready?

I’m ready.

(organ playing)

(cheering)

(engine starts)

(Ian shouts)

Where are you?

Are you in there?

Yes.

Don’t dab, wipe.

Wipe off.

Okay.

Is that better?

Yeah.

Hey, who did your makeup, your aunts?

Mm-hmm.

Drag queens could get a few tips from those aunts.

My god, it’s like-- look at me,

I’m just covered and covered.

Like a big frosted cupcake.

I know, it’s like, ah!

C’mon, help me with the veil.

Wait.

Yeah, you got it.

Come here.

These, too.

Hm?

Ah.

Do we have to go in?

Too late to elope now.

Let’s go in.

Okay.

Let me check this out.

Ah, it’s going down, thank god.

What?

I woke up with this huge zit this morning.

Where?

Right there.

I had a huge zit this morning.

You did?

Yeah.

Where is it?

Well, it was right here, but it’s gone now.

Why?

I put some Windex on it.

(band playing)

♪ When I close my eyes ♪

Hi.

♪ You’d be right by my side ♪

Ohpa!

Ohpa!

Gus: Hello?

Welcome to the Portokalos family.

Welcome the Miller family.

I was thinking, uh, last night,

the night before my daughter going to marry, uh,

Ian Miller, that, um, you know...

the root of the word Miller is a Greek word.

And Miller comes from the Greek word "millo,"

which is mean, apple, so there you go.

As many of you know, our name, Portokalos,

is come from the Greek word "portokali,"

which mean orange.

So, okay, here tonight,

we have, uh, apple and orange.

We all different,

but in the end, we all fruit.

(laughing)

Oh, fruit, yes, fruit, we’re all fruit!

(applause)

Gus: My wife and me, we have a gift.

See, that’s what we do.

The parents, they give a gift.

Oh.

♪ ♪

Here.

(paper rustling)

Oh, my god!

They bought us a house.

(cheering)

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you too.

I don’t believe it.

(music playing)

Ian: Let’s go dance.

Okay.

Thea Voula, we’re gonna dance.

Oh, I know, dear, let me get Taki.

Okay.

Hey, Athena.

I’m gonna be a painter.

Good, you can start with our fence.

This is just a really nice wedding.

Oh, good.

We’re gonna dance now, c’mon!

Oh, no, no!

I think I’ll need a little more ouzo

before I do that.

Ah, what do you say?

Ah, y’iasas.

Y’iasas.

Yeah.

Rodney: Bottoms up!

Alright.

Let’s go, Harry!

C’mon, Gusta!

Alright!

Ohpa!

Right over there, let’s dance.

Oh, Taki.

He looks Greek.

That’s it.

That’s good, that’s good!

Everybody dance, dance, everybody dance!

(speaking Greek)

Ohpa!

Toula: Sometimes I’m afraid that it didn’t happen.

I’m scared that I’ll wake up

and still be buttering garlic bread,

waiting for my life to start.

But it did happen, it did!

And I figured out some stuff.

My family is big and loud,

but they’re my family.

We fight and we laugh,

and yes, we roast lamb on a spit in the front yard.

And wherever I go, whatever I do,

they will always be there.

Maria: Ohpa!

Toula: So, Ian and I moved

into the house my parents bought us.

A minute later I was pregnant,

and six years later,

it was our daughter’s turn to go to Greek school.

But, Mom, I want to go to Brownies.

I know, I know, but I promise you this.

You can marry anybody you want.

Ah, thanks, baby.

Greek school, (speaking Greek)

What’s that mean?

Let’s go.

Let’s go, alright!

That’s really good.

Looking good, Gus.

Hi, Dad.

Where are you going?

Greek school.

♪ ♪

What’s up?

Hi, Yiayia.

Hey, Yianni!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪