Original subtitles

Waiting for someone?

Liz wanted to talk.

Oh, hope you didn't make any plans for the day.

How long has he been out there?

Since I came out.

Funny, that's why I came out here.

To take care of him?

No, I wanna find out where these bums are coming from.

I couldn't get a good signal inside.

Economic despair, bad choices.

No, I mean, where these bums are coming from,

these "28 Days Later" maniacs.

They're so tweaked, they're eating people.

Oh yeah, the guy got bit, right?

In the leg?

Both legs, not just a bite.

I mean, imagine a stoner at the fair

with two jumbo sized corn dogs.

So they just eat the legs?

No. No, that was just one incident.

Maybe he started with the legs and got full.

Forget about the legs.

Bath salts, right?

Huh?

Psychoactive bath salts.

PABS, that's the drug, right?

Might be. I haven't heard specifics.

How long has your cable been out?

Ah, a few days.

Liz took the satellite

because she said, "The volume was too loud."

Man, that's cold.

What do you expect when your landlord's

a cold heartless bitch?

Keep it down, man. She could hear you.

Of course she can hear me.

She hears everything.

I mean, she lives 12 fucking feet away.

She still complains,

like if I step on a squeaky fucking board.

And we can't do shit about it

because this is the only goddamn shoebox

in the state even remotely affordable.

It's weird that we're the lucky ones, huh?

I mean, we could be out there getting our legs eaten.

Or worse, we could be the guys eating the legs.

Man, it doesn't mean I have to be grateful for it.

Hey, you guys got any salt?

Hey, hey, hey.

Couldn't we call the police?

They won't come unless she calls.

And you say we're lucky.

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, you don't have to do that, watch.

You're really pushing those zombie rights.

No point in killing a bum

when the police will do it for you.

You go straight to politics, you hipsters.

Well, if I voted a genocidal maniac back

into office for a third term,

I wouldn't wanna talk about politics either.

Genocidal.

- You didn't hear it? - Jesus Christ.

you didn't hear it?

He's gonna have these people exterminated.

Good, catastrophes shape our evolution.

They become our history and teach us our mistakes.

Yeah, they teach us how

to make things worse next time, hey, Rosie.

Tree huggin', burning man lovin',

Chewbacca-lookin' hipster.

What the fuck are you doing with that?

Scaring off zombies.

Okay, bye.

There was one here just a minute ago.

What, one of those whacked out bums?

Cannibalistic whacked out bums.

The only reason I'm trapped in the sober priced hell hole.

Keep whining, it helps.

You kids don't give a shit about anything

unless it's under your nose on a goddamn screen.

And when something bad comes up,

you just scroll right past it.

You're not old enough

to be sitting out here spewing political bullshit

like some geriatric blowhard.

That's the sort of thing Tank would do.

Current events aside, this isn't our property.

We pay to live here at the mercy of that old lady.

And if you don't like the way that she runs things,

feel free to go live out on the streets

and get your legs eaten.

- She heard about it too. - Uh-huh.

That's where we're at, man.

Be thankful for Hemet's tax revenue.

With the mess going on out there,

she could charge triple what you pay if she wanted.

What a kiss up.

Yeah, it's easy to defend her, you know,

when you have two parking spots,

one of which used to be my parking spot.

It's a two-bedroom, so I get two spots.

Yeah, you still need the other spot

now that you kicked your boyfriend out?

He's touring.

It doesn't matter. I pay more, I get two spots.

Yeah, how much more? Mine's 2,900.

That sucks, maybe she charges you so much,

'cause you're a little whiny cunt.

How much do you pay?

Hi, Liz.

Oh, you are too kind. Yes, right over here, dear.

Thank you so much.

You boys playing some baseball?

Oh, uh...

Kind of a dorky game, huh?

Now football, that's what the hotties play.

Everyone knows it.

Tossing the pig skin around, the sweat and mud, mm.

Martin, you ready for our little chat?

That's why I'm here.

Good, you're evicted.

That's right, you're outta here.

Get the fuck off my property

before I drive a wooden stake through your heart

and slay you for the blood sucking vampire you are.

You think I'm joking? Get!

And I'm keeping your deposit to pay for that mold.

What did I do?

I don't want to embarrass you in front of everyone,

but let's be honest, you're a slob.

You are simply not a good fit

and I think you should just get the hell outta here.

You have until the end of the day

or I'm calling the sheriff.

That's fucking bullshit, Liz.

Man, does it suck having people resist the autocracy

when you're this fucking tired?

If you fine gentlemen mean to prolong my eyes open time

for another second,

I'll have no other choice than to call the authorities.

Landowners like my sweet self, I need and remind you,

have that privilege of protection from the law

as the law exists to provide protection.

After all, if there were no burly Tom Selleck types circling

this town with their criminal killing clutch cannons,

how would you ever expect a little old lady like me

to get her beauty rest?

I bid you ado.

I Got it. Thanks, hun.

Senile fucking bitch.

Gary, Rosie, Rosie, stay here, I want you to hear this.

Gary, if you think I'm such a formidable cunt,

I think it's in my best interest

to verify just how much you take your situation for granted.

If you wanna stay here at Camp Liz,

you better get a part-time job sucking dick

or selling bath salt 'cause your ass needs

to come up with an extra 100 a month now.

I'd ask for more, but I don't really need the money.

You, however, in this economy, ta, ta, ta.

Oh, I'm just, I'm wiping my tears 'cause I'm so sad for you.

Shame you couldn't keep those dirty thoughts to yourself.

And, Rosie, for being so nice to me,

now that I've got an extra monthly hundo to spare,

I'm gonna deduct that from your rent.

No. No, no, no, no, Liz, that's not necessary-

No, wait, I'll deduct 50 from your rent.

I'm saving up for the Grey's Anatomy box set as a me gift.

I know they have it streaming,

but I just hate when the quality drops out, don't you?

Peace and love, butt cracks.

Catch you on the flip. Come, Lucius.

Oh yeah. Oh, oh yeah.

Fuck me like John Wayne.

Oh, yeah, fuck me, daddy.

Oh yea, oh, oh, fuck, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, thank goodness you youngins can keep it stiff that long.

I can get myself off with almost any object,

but a limp noodle ain't one of 'em.

Oh, you tired, huh?

Mind you, you're still on the clock.

Put on a happy face till you're out the door, handsome.

And keep that piss clenched till you get home.

If your urethra's half as strong as those pecks,

it shouldn't be a problem.

I don't need your post-coital copy piss sprinkler

on all of my bathmats.

And where the fuck do you think you're going?

I was gonna put my clothes on.

When did I say we were playing dress up?

I thought we were finished.

What were you gonna do?

Snatch the money outta my purse.

I write the checks, boy.

We're finished when I say we're finished.

That's when you can take your money and go.

I know I don't look like much,

but for the price, you can at least pretend to like me.

And you can definitely sit down and follow instructions.

Now do you think you can handle that, slut?

Funny how something so soothing gets interrupted

by a telephone, don't move.

It's late, Katie. What can't wait till mornin'?

He did what? Oh, my poor baby.

Come right away. Mama will fix it.

What are you waiting for?

Take your money and get.

And if that's not enough silver for you,

I got some more right here.

Sure.

Don't forget your shoes.

Oh my god. Already?

We had to cancel the next couple of shows,

so I took the first bus down to surprise you.

Wait, why'd you cancel?

The shooting

This morning? That was in Browning.

I thought you were supposed to be playing

in Hamlin this week.

No, there was one in Hamlin too,

or a massacre, I should say.

Real ketchup Fest.

Oh, good, I mean,

good that you're here.

I know.

Why didn't you use your key?

My key?

I gave you a key

when we first moved in here.

We went to the Foodsmart together

and we copied it in-

I know, yeah, I remember.

I must've left it on the bus.

You lost your whole key ring?

I keep two of 'em so they don't get all jumbled.

It must've been on the other one.

It's not lost. I just don't know where it is.

If it's a big deal, Ro, I can just get a new one.

Another one? Yeah.

What makes you think you're getting another one?

You had your chance buddy.

- Ro. - Don't.

Don't fucking joke about that.

You already woke me up in the middle of the fucking night.

You're in hot water as it is, Davey Havok.

Davey Havok, first I had that long-ass walk.

Now you're castrating me.

- Wait, what? - I'll take a beer, please.

What long-ass walk? Why didn't you park in your spot?

It's taken.

What?

Yeah, I had to walk all the way over from Dakota.

Maybe Liz has company over.

She normally asks first.

She probably thought you'd be on tour a lot longer.

What's next? She takes away one of your bedrooms?

Sure, Jay.

Hey, I'm just saying, starts with the little things.

First it's your parking spot

and then she's taking away everything but your clothes,

as long as it pleases the new tenants.

Once the honeymoon phase is over,

it's like these landlords dare you to move out.

Hello?

Hi, Rosie. It's Liz.

Hope it's not a bad time, hun.

No, not a bad time.

It's about your parking spot.

Oh no, it's fine.

Jason came back from the tour early,

but he just parked on the street, so.

Man, do you need a lesson in interrupting people?

If you let me finish,

I was gonna say my daughter Katie's had some trouble

at home, so she and the kids are staying

at Martin's old place now that it's vacant.

I gave her your extra spot knowing you didn't need it,

but what I'm calling to ask is for you to move your car.

Oh yeah, of course. She needs more room?

Yeah, she needs more room, like the whole spot more room.

She got an SUV she wants to keep here too.

Tank will be pulling up with it any minute.

You want me to give up both my spots?

I lowered your rent, remember?

I can lower it even more if you like,

like all the way down to zero,

but you'd have to downgrade to the manhole studio out front.

My daughter Katie splitting up with her boyfriend

and she needs these cars

for her familial responsibilities as a mother.

I thought you'd have the good heart

to empathize with her situation.

I mean, think of the kids.

Do you really want them walking through blocks

of bath salt adult criminals

to get to the car every morning?

No. I definitely don't want that.

Imagine a kid fighting off a guy on bath salts.

Wouldn't be fair, would it?

No, it wouldn't.

Am I being a cunt?

Answer truthfully, I don't wanna be a cunt,

so I hope you telling me if I was

You're not.

Not what?

Being a cunt.

Huh?

You're not being a cunt.

All right. Stop being a kiss ass.

Now listen, if your boy toy's keeping you up,

give him the old prostate tickle.

He'll calm himself in a dreamland instantly.

Get some rest, doll face.

You might wanna grab earplugs,

'cause we're movin' in all her shit tonight,

so it's gonna get loud out here.

Where's Ed Gein when you need him?

He killed way nicer old ladies than Liz

and they didn't even deserve it.

Liz is just begging to be a lampshade.

She can kick us out anytime she wants.

The rules are hers to make.

You pay three times what she does to own this dung heap.

She should be your slave, not the other way around.

Unless we can afford to live somewhere else

or you find a dog that can shit money,

it's gonna be the other way around.

Unless you wanna go live out on the streets,

in which case, you better start practicing how

to walk on your hands,

'cause those legs are gonna be the first thing to go.

Well, what difference does it make

if I live on the street with that long-ass walk I have now?

No legs, no spot. Take your pick.

Lieutenant Dan got by just fine.

At least he still had his freedom.

It must be so nice having such a noble outlook playing

for three people in a metal band called Black Helmet,

slutty goth chicks fondling all over you every night.

It's Dark Helmet.

Good, [chuckles] good.

Great. You American hero.

All the sacrifices that you've made.

I'm busting my ass up-

I've been losing feelings for you

and I can't sit on it any longer.

Just some of these chicks on the road

is just a better fit.

And I feel like if we stay together,

I'm gonna start to resent you

and that resentment could turn to hatred

and then hatred to violence.

I think I might have psychotic tendencies.

Hey, Rosie. Tank's here with the van.

If you can get out here ASAP,

we need to get this done so I can go to bed.

It's only been a few minutes,

so I doubt you're already sleeping.

I'll give you a minute to get out here and move your car

and if that's too much effort,

I can call Perry the towing company for you

and get you 15% off the tow,

but it sure gets pricey leaving the car there overnight.

You might wanna just move it yourself,

make it easy on all of us.

What were you saying about psychotic tendencies?

That must be difficult.

I can't imagine the pain you're going through

and I wanna get you the help that you need.

I'm such a piece of shit, Ro.

Baby, you're absolutely right.

Psychotic tendencies, a guy cracks his girls' head open

with a shot glass

and then dumps after mooching off her couch

for two years while I tried to fuck Jim Morrison.

I don't know about psychotic tendencies,

but that definitely qualifies as insufferable carditis.

You pushed me to this. You're paranoid.

Oh, maybe I did push you.

Maybe I wanted to see what kind of guy you were.

Maybe I was testing you and over

and over again you passed the I'm

an insufferable dickhead test with flying colors.

You know what, you might have fool me a little longer too,

but you're too fucking stupid to even fake being

a decent guy, so thank you.

Thank you for making it so easy. You're out, Jay.

No strips. You've chewed up your manic life, get out!

Get out! Shoo, bitch!

Get the fuck out of here with your stupid Kill Phil shirt.

Like you can bitch about the president.

You don't even have a fucking job.

Go on out there.

Get your stupid fucking skinny-ass chicken legs eaten

if there's any meat on them, you fucking-

If I die out there, it's your fault.

I hope you do,

you stupid fucking Evanescence wannabe man-child, get out!

How many of you retards does it take

to move a fucking car?

Excuse me?

What'd you fart?

Don't make me shoot you, boy.

Who are you calling boy, missy?

Hell, you couldn't even hit me at point blank range

with that thing, let alone pull the trigger

with 'em toothpick arms.

Why'd you say that one more time?

You queers couldn't lift a toilet roll.

Pew! Pew, pew!

You heard him.

Move that fucking car.

We've waited around here long enough tonight.

My fellow Americans,

today I want to speak

with you about our nation's unprecedented response

to the PABS outbreak.

It started in San Diego,

but is now spreading...

That'll get you as good a signal as any.

No more blasting that shit out here.

Thanks, Tank. Not that it makes any difference out here.

We've got cannibals on every corner

and your landlady makes the Third Reich

look like a goddam hippie commune.

You're the victim of Lizzie's charms, ey?

Anyone who is is pretending

You plan on doing anything about it?

She's guilty of something sick.

If she don't have some painful old lady death take her

in the next few months,

the truth of her perverted ways will sure do it.

And when that happens, you're looking at the guy next

in line to take over this place.

You got the coin for that?

I wouldn't say it if I didn't.

I know you got a sweet spot for that old bitch,

but it'd be to everybody's benefit

if she disappeared sooner than later.

Is that the girl that got raped?

And killed?

They ever find the body?

Uh-huh, they just didn't find

the guy that did it.

You better hope they find it before I do.

My idea of justice for that pig

would make Dexter squirm.

Who?

He's a killer who kills killers.

Oh, between that and putting your landlord behind bars,

I'd say you got a pretty full plate.

You sure this vigilante justice thing isn't

some sorta misplaced vendetta?

You know, with someone close to me.

Son of a bitch got off scot-free.

I know a way you could scratch that itch.

You could avenge it by killing some pervert you ain't got

a motive for.

- Oh, fuck off. - Like that one

living next door to you.

Fuck off.

Look familiar?

I know one guy that's got that Chewbacca look

That girl's not a day over 16.

Yeah, I could see.

Wait, wait a minute.

You spy on us?

You taking pictures, Tank?

Fortuitous discovery, you're gonna rape a youngin,

close the curtains.

Now he may not have done whatever happened to your...

Sister.

Well, this girl here probably is somebody's sister.

So what's the difference?

You're taking pictures of me too, Tank?

You ain't got nothing to hide, do ya?

No. Well, you ain't that pretty.

You can magically erase this from your mind, Dexter.

Get the off my court!

Or you can walk the walk, serve some justice.

Suddenly the branches twined around her

and there were two arms.

And when she'd looked around,

the tree was a handsome man

who embraced her and kissed her tenderly

and said, "Thou has delivered me from the power

of the old woman who was a wicked witch.

She had turned me into a tree

and every day for two hours I was a white dove.

And so long as she possessed the ring,

I could not regain my human form."

And his servants and his horses who had likewise

been changed into trees were freed

from the enchantment also and stood beside him

and he led them forward to his kingdom,

for he was a king's son and they married, and lived happily.

So the moral of the story is you can talk

to strangers as long as they give you food?

They married and lived happily.

Something's off about this one.

It just stands in the middle of the sentence,

and lived happily.

If there's no ever after, there's no ending.

Let's find another one. One where the wolf eats the girl.

That has a better moral. What you got there, Willie?

"Animal Farm"

Animals? That's for babies.

You're in high school now.

You should be reading Shakespeare, here.

That is the animal one. Emma might like it.

"Animal Farm: A Fairy Story."

Ooh, fairies, Emma. This should be more up your alley.

Mr. Jones and the man of farm had locked the hen houses

for the night, but was too drunk

to remember to shut the pipe holes.

Hey, hey, I can come back another time.

No, please come in.

It's all right. It's not a good time.

No, I'm fine. I just look like this when I smoke.

Please sit down. What do you wanna talk about?

I wanna apologize for being a dick.

That's all right, brother.

Fighting is healthy and essential to co-existence.

I should get going. I just wanted to leave this for you.

You want me to drink 'em all by myself?

Come on, just have one with me.

I mean, unless you really hate me that much.

Really eclectic style you got, Howie.

Yeah, well, my mom always says I need

a girl to clean up after me.

How's that workin' out?

Look around.

We've been living next door to each other

for quite a long time, haven't we?

You know, and I can't believe I haven't gotten around

to ask you, what brings a beachy hipster like yourself out

to a old folks town?

Well, anyone in Hemet under 40 was driven here

by the economy.

That or they were born here

and lucky enough to stay, but I wasn't born here.

But we get a lot of ex-cons

and drug dealers coming out here to lay low.

Righty's on vacation there?

Oh no, I...

My chick kicked me outta my apartment in LA

and I couldn't afford to stay there,

so this was the first place I could swing.

It was right when the PABS outbreak started turning all

these bums into George Romero extras.

Well, Liz knows how to put on a happy face

in that first meeting, huh?

Well, I saw a right through it. I saw a right through it.

But what other choice did I have?

I gotta use the bathroom.

No, no, no. Please.

What's the matter?

Is that where you keep the bodies?

I'll just hold it.

Sorry, sorry, it's just, it's really dirty in there

and I haven't had much time to clean.

Bachelor life, right? - Enjoy.

Please stay. Come...

Rain check.

Get back on the couch before I cut the other one off.

You know, after that little dance,

if I don't kill you, he will.

Unless the police beat him to it.

Awe, you wish

I'd just get it over with right now, aren't you?

Just kill you right now.

Well, sure, he left a few prints.

Not enough to convict.

You see, Mr. Justice, he wants to threaten

that sweet little old lady that puts a roof over our heads.

Now there will be consequences.

However, even I can't get away

with cold-blooded murder in this town.

So you're gonna have to atone for your sins by killing him

or get him put behind bars for killing you.

I mean,

who's gonna miss a retard pedo Savant anyway, right, stump?

Hell, I guess you're finally living up to the family name.

I never laid a hand on her.

That's a good one.

Trouble in paradise?

Not anymore.

You could sell some of this stuff.

For what, 10 bucks, and feed myself with that 10 bucks?

Feed myself with 10 bucks made off junk cock

from a pussy-ass cheating two bit piece of shit

wannabe Axl Rose fuckhead dope-head musician?

I'll starve. Thanks.

This ax is worth more than 10 bucks.

Take it, may you use it only for good

and to right the many wrongs of this world.

It's worth at least 50.

Any other trinkets for my abusive ex crap collection

that you care to rummage through?

What about this gym?

Well, you could probably sell this on eBay.

I mean, people bid a lot of money for shit like this.

Sorry about whatever happened.

I can't stand pieces of shit like that

that beat up other people half their size.

Oh, so I'm weak?

- No. - You should see how he looks.

Well, good for you.

If only all the other girls were as tough as you.

Girls maybe, women?

You bet your ass.

Have you met any lately?

My sister wasn't too tough.

What happened?

What if I told you that she had

to turn down daily sexual advances from her boss?

Would you believe that?

Damn right. I wouldn't call that weak.

Would you believe it if I told you that outta spite,

the same boss asked her to come in on a day

that she wasn't scheduled and was sick with

an animal that was deranged at a time

that she normally wouldn't be around this animal.

What if I told you that this animal killed my sister,

tore her apart like a ragdoll.

Could you believe that my sister lost her life

in this way?

Because of that motherfucker.

Your sister worked at the zoo?

Finland.

Your sister was...

Beverly Covax.

I'm sorry.

How they love feeding those whales.

Fish aren't enough, those little fish.

It's like, for a human, it's like a french fry.

I mean, you can't blame the whale.

You know, perverts aren't just horny.

They're evil, and if I were you,

I'd be more scared of them

than those bozo salt head cannibals out there.

I mean, them, you could tell when you see 'em.

Perverts not so much. Could be anyone.

Hey, I just saw some pictures actually.

I can't tell you of who.

When it comes to perverts,

seems like the guy pointing his finger at everybody else

turns out to be the worst.

You got a good head on your shoulders, Missy.

Duncan, I have a beneficiary.

I want a good fight now, you understand?

You play ball and I promise,

I'll stop him before he kills you.

Oh, you're gonna like prison. They let you read.

What the fuck is taking him so long?

I told you to only call me in emergencies.

Here, say something.

No, no!

Drop the phone, you bitch!

Make it scarry.

What the fuck's going on, Rosie?

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?

Where are you?

Howie's apartment, listen,

he's not alone!

Tank.

It's the middle of the fuckin' night.

Howie's at it again.

Okay.

He's got Rosie now.

Yeah, I'll be right over.

Who was that?

Here, let me help you with that.

That's all you're helping me with, Tank.

Don't get any ideas.

Oh God.

I'll call the police.

Gimme two minutes.

The cops are seconds away.

There's no chance to escape.

You might as well give yourself up.

It'll be easier for everyone.

I can't let you win, Tank.

I can't let you win.

Kill him, Tank.

Kill him.

They're right here next to the cruiser.

Once I saw he had the girl, well, I had no choice.

You did the right thing, Tank.

It's my nature.

How'd you get in?

Well, the door was all, here's Johnny like

when I got here.

Well, what happened when you got inside?

Well, he had a gun to the girl's head

and he said, "Don't move or I'll blow the bitch's head off."

That's when I grabbed Gary's ax and I just, I threw it.

- Jesus. - Lucky me.

That's not what he said.

He said, "I can't let you win."

He was nuts though.

- Oh. - What did he mean by that?

And what about the other guy?

Hold up, other guy?

A guy in the black mask.

He snuck off right before Gary showed up.

Somebody called him on his phone

and then he went out the window.

Well, that all happened right before Gary showed up?

Hell, maybe he planned the whole thing to frame Howie.

Why don't you leave the detective work

to us, okay?

Howie wasn't pointing the gun at me.

It looked like he was gonna shoot himself.

She's been through a lot, that poor thing.

This was on the ax man, it's a black mask.

Sick son of a bitch.

Goddam, he always had a manipulative quality about him.

Didn't he have a manipulative quality about him?

Yeah, I only saw him once

but I think he had

a manipulative quality about him, you know?

In his eyes.

Yeah, in his eyes. Yeah.

Well, [chuckles] I hate using the term cut and dry,

but seems ain't much mystery left.

Hey, Rosie, you say the masked man

was about that size?

Gary, he wouldn't.

No, he-

Cruel world, kid.

Hell, maybe somebody set him up.

Tank, you had a gun.

It looked like the same kind of gun

as the guy with the mask.

I'd wait until you calm down a bit

before you say something you don't mean.

"Kill him, Tank. Kill him."

Those were your exact words.

Let's just be thankful you're not a suspect [chuckles] yet.

Well, Tank, I'll be goddamed

if you haven't made our jobs a whole hell of a lot easier.

I can't say case closed yet, but keep her up.

Well, you keep making love

to that beautiful woman that was dumb enough to marry you.

You tell Vera I said hi.

That's the only thing I'm gonna tell her,

you son of a bitch.

Oh yeah.

What the fuck's going on in there?

He was fucking with the gun.

He said it wasn't loaded.

No, I said it might not be loaded based

on the shells we found.

Well, that's what I was checking it for.

Right.

I was checking to make sure the gun was empty

and it went off accidentally.

I'd hope it was accidental. You fucking idiot.

That guy was my friend.

I'm sorry.

Fuck yeah, you're sorry.

You're gonna get fired, you stupid piece of shit.

Wait, we're gonna have like a hearing first, right?

You mean an investigation?

Oh, [chuckles] oh yeah.

Yeah, there'll be an investigation.

You'll have to forgive me, but I'm not used to this level

of dumb fuckery in my daily routine.

But I'll get to tell my side of it,

about the accident part.

We know your side of it. We watched it happen.

Keith, what happened?

He was fucking with the gun,

it went off and he shot that guy in the head.

Pretty reckless if you ask me.

He coulda stopped me.

He should get in trouble too.

Goddammit, I thought you were a decent cop.

Shooting a guy randomly.

What an egghead.

Yeah. Sorry about your face, Rosie.

What if I didn't hit him?

What if something else made his head explode,

like at the same time?

Lemme see that.

Bring me that gun, you simple son of a bitch.

Go home to your mommy,

you fucking idiot, get!

Fuck, [sighs] I really like that guy.

Wait a minute, you said Tank had a gun too?

He and the mask guy had that same gun.

Would be nice if I could question Tank about it,

but he won't answer 'cause he doesn't have

a fuckin' head, Mickey!

Yeah.

Go wait in the car, Keith.

Oh, but I was just-

- Go wait in the car! - Okay.

Goddam nerve wracking sons of bitches.

Try and get some rest, sweetie.

Don't call me that.

Fine. Keep the rag, bitch.

What's the ETA on that ambulance?

They stop at goddam Chuck E. Cheese?

I hate to disappoint, Jack,

but I just popped one off in the bathtub.

If you're here for a nepotism fuck,

it'll have to wait till after lunch.

I just had a few questions, Liz.

Thought we could chat over some tea.

I drink four things, blood, cum, coke and rum,

and I've already had three of those today.

Hope you don't mind diet.

I'm trying to tone up for some summer cock,

and this is all they had left after all the panic buying.

Pussies think soda's gonna save 'em from being cannibalized.

Yeah, [chuckles] these salties,

they'll fade away just like any fear fad.

We'll recover and we'll just move on to the next one.

Salties, did you make that up?

No, that's kinda the unofficial term for 'em.

Salty, salt heads.

That's fuckin' funny. I like that.

Say, is it true that you do just the right amount,

these bath salts get you a pretty good high?

Not like eating people high,

but like a regular, you know,

lose your pants and dance kind of high?

One nose can put you over the edge

or at least get you hooked.

That's how it starts.

I say don't do it at all.

At least until this epidemic is over.

We really need to cut the numbers.

How you holdin' up after last night?

Slept like a baby. What did I miss?

The pervert killed the vigilante and Tank swooped in,

stopped him from killing a feminist?

Yeah.

Then Tank got shot by that retarded guy, right?

How's he doin'?

- Mickey? - No, Tank,

got nicked in the head real good I hear.

Yeah. Yeah, he got nicked real good.

He's dead.

Exploding head, that's not an easy one

to bounce back from you, you okay?

Tank always was a fucking pussy.

Do you want ice with that?

No thank you, ma'am.

Goddam, triple homicide in one night.

Fuckin' circus troop I got living here.

That's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about, Liz.

Have you noticed any strange behavior coming

from your tenants over the last couple weeks?

Of course. They're all freaks.

The girl was dating some musician.

She threw out the other night.

I had to evict one guy 'cause

he was getting mold.

Can you believe that?

Who lets their apartment get moldy

and doesn't pay to have it fixed?

And the vigilante, I forget his name, Harry.

- Gary. - Gary disrespected me

every chance he could.

He even made threats to buy this place

from the owner and take over.

Aren't you the owner?

Not yet, I'm sublettin' to these folks

until I feel like buying it outright.

That's if I don't become president first or move to Mexico,

marry a buff guy.

Could Gary have really bought this place?

Said his sister got eaten by a whale while workin'?

Apparently if your last living relative gets killed

by a famous mascot,

you're entitled to a serious chunk of change.

He told you his plan?

He told Tank.

Tank told you?

Si, Sheriff.

What else did Tank say?

Hipster boy was a pervert.

You know that, saw the pictures.

Tank took the pictures?

He might've

He do a lot of stuff like that.

Stuff like what?

Spying on tenets.

Of course. Tank was the muscle.

My little detective.

You know how people are these days.

I wouldn't want any of these deviants getting screwy.

Yeah, it doesn't make sense

that Gary would set the whole thing up to frame Howie.

He had a vendetta against pervert

since his sister died.

But why the hell did he charge Howie

with the ax if he left him with a shotgun?

Probably thought one handed stumpy couldn't fire it off

or he was too scared, too weak.

Common among hippies.

Easier for some to fuck little girls

than to shoot a full grown man.

That is a possibility.

Were Tank's prints on the gun?

No, but Rosie said she saw it on him.

Rosie sounds like she's full of shit.

Tank's allowed to carry a gun,

especially if he's entering a pervert massacre house.

Probably carried it everywhere, you know, the salt heads.

Right, but he acted like it wasn't his.

Why would he lie?

You knew Tank for a very long time.

You've known this little girl how long?

True, I guess we can't rule her out either.

People have abducted themselves before.

There's no other witnesses to a guy in a mask.

How do you know Rosie didn't make

the whole thing up to frame Tank?

Well, we found a mask on Gary.

Hell, she could be framing both of 'em.

She probably wanted to take down all

the privileged white men she could.

You know, she may not look it,

but I heard she's mixed ethnicity.

She said she called Gary after she was abducted?

What kind of shitty kidnapper let's the victim make a call,

let alone two kidnappers?

Why didn't you call 911?

This story has more holes in it than

a whore after a drive-by.

I'd say you found your prime suspect, Sheriff.

They're alive and well, and they're female.

Well, okay, thank, you Liz.

I do appreciate the hospitality.

I guess I'll go check her door again.

She wasn't there before?

Nope. Afraid not.

You'd think after getting abducted,

havin' a guy's head blown off in your face,

you'd wanna sleep in a little.

Now where could she be that's so damn important?

I get a call last night from one of my clients who

for two years has had no beneficiary to his will.

He says he has this neighbor he wants

to leave everything with that he barely knows.

Any idea why he might wanna do that?

For your sake, I hope this letter explains it.

Hey, Rosie.

If you're reading this, well, I'm dead.

I've been thinking about something you said to me today,

and you're absolutely right.

None of us are perfect. Myself especially.

And you showed me what a self-righteous prick I was being,

and I want to apologize for that,

which leads me to this next little tidbit.

I'm adding you as the sole beneficiary to my will.

Remember all that, sorry, your sister got eaten

by Shamu money?

Yeah, it's a lot. You're welcome.

And, no, I'm not leaving it to you

as some overblown apology.

It's more than that,

because there is literally no living heir

to the Covax estate aside from some wackos on 23andMe.

I've been thinking a lot about

who I'd leave this money to since Bev died

and no one else I've met in this sad fucking world

has shown anything near the level

of goodness she exuded in every moment

of her short and sweet little life.

And don't get me wrong.

I mean, you're far from perfect, you uppity little bitch,

but compared to everyone else

in this town, you're pretty all right.

You know, everyone should have a little bitch in them.

Bev sure did.

It's using that bitch strategically,

like standing up for yourself.

I mean, that's the key.

But never let hurt overtake your spirit

and don't let the bitches surrounding you get you down.

If something happens to me,

I want this money to go to someone who might

do some good with it.

At the moment,

it should be just over two million.

But don't get your hopes up.

If I don't end up ripped apart

by one of these comey comic cannibal bums,

I'm gonna buy something real special with it.

But if any of this jackpot is left

by the time you're reading this, be responsible with it.

Don't just blow it all on makeup, Gary.

It says he didn't know anybody else who deserved it.

And I remind him of his sister, I think.

You didn't put a gun to his head

and make him write this, did you?

No, I didn't.

I'd be lying if I said this wasn't

the most fucked up legal situation I've ever heard of.

It's gonna be such a bitch.

You'd be investigated of course. Geez, what a headache.

You think I believe it?

I'm still trying to pull brain chunks outta my fucking hair.

I don't give a shit if you think it's a headache.

I'll do what I have to.

Even if that means bribing a sleazy

and crooked, yet silently dressed and good hearted lawyer.

Bullshit.

Not if you want that money before your 90th birthday.

From the looks of it, you can definitely afford that.

Just 5%, and I can get you some of it today.

Two.

Ten.

Five. Done deal.

My new condo and I accept your generous offer.

A pleasure doing business, Ms. Perkins.

That'll be Landlady Perkins pretty soon.

Ah, fuck me, whew.

She is only incriminating herself skipping town

after a situation like that.

She'll be back in search

of a helping hand, I'm sure, she'll return.

And before she does return, we'll drop her off

a little surprise from our dear departed Howie.

Nepotism with the sheriff aside,

we must eliminate any suspicion on me and my sweet Tank.

Sh, that'll be our little secret.

Wouldn't wanna lose any more

than them salties took from you, would we?

You didn't happen to play drums in your band, did you?

Bass, guitar?

You'll be fine without legs,

but you'll need them hands if you wanna keep strutting.

And more importantly, Slash,

you can't be a rockstar without your junk.

You can keep all that shit if you just stay put

and don't try to Houdini your way outta here.

Who knows, if you're good,

maybe for Ozzfest I'll loan you my wheelchair.

Well, as my grandkids say over text, TTFM,

that's ta-ta for now, I think.

Lucius, no, stay outta there!

Wipe your face.

Ma, can it wait?

Huh?

Can it wait?

No, it can't.

All right, well, what is it? Make it fast.

Huh?

Make it fast.

Huh? Make it fast?

Yeah.

Yeah. All right.

All right, so?

Yeah.

Yeah what, Ma?

Well, what are you doing that's so damn important?

I'm picking up the kids.

Huh, you're...

Picking up the kids.

Yeah. Wait, we picking up the kids from where?

From school.

I thought they closed the schools.

They did. Today's the last day.

I could already see two of them things

in the street out front.

Look, we gotta go. I'll call you later.

It's important.

Tank died in the skirmish last night, Kate.

I know he died.

His brains are splattered all over the yard.

We're talking about a movie. Just look at your phones.

Well, that makes three tenants are lost last night.

We're having some newbes coming today for orientation.

Did they sign leases?

What?

Leases, did they sign leases?

I thought you said Reese's.

Yeah. They all signed this morning.

Eager beavers, huh?

Tells you what a time we're in, don't it?

Everyone's picky as fuck about where they live

until there's an epidemic.

Then all of a sudden Liz's shit shack looks

like Buckingham Palace.

I've already got a fourth lease drawn up

and ready to go.

Fourth lease, I thought you only lost three tenants?

Who's leaving, the girl?

We're gonna change some things around here.

Cleanse the waters, if you will.

If certain evidence gets discovered

by a certain friend in law enforcement,

well, certain people may be moved from their homes.

Moved from their homes into fucking prison I mean.

Why can't you just evict her? You have martial law.

She deserves worse.

You go around accusing a man like Tank of conspiracy,

that's like accusing me of conspiracy.

And we all know my moral code's pure as a diamond ring.

I told you to wipe that chocolate off of your face.

What are you doing eating that shit?

I told you to only eat what I pack.

Hey, this is a serious time, Willie.

You have to be adamant about what Mama tells you.

It's for your safety.

He didn't eat chocolate. I saw what it was.

What was it?

It was on the ground.

Some kids told him to eat it,

so he got on the ground and he did it.

What?

It was more complicated than that.

You better tell me exactly what happened right now, boy.

It's called popping.

What, what's popping?

Tough kids do it.

You test your endurance by seeing

what you can put in your mouth.

It's a way to expand your tolerance.

Some kids do bugs

or dirt, wax.

What did you eat?

Well, one kid said he ate a bunch of wasabi.

What did you eat, Willie?

Tell me now.

It looked like dog poop.

What? Did you put in your mouth?

It was the principle of it all.

I wanted to do something brave.

You're a fucking idiot.

The bath salt epidemic has reached

an all time high

with an estimated almost 30 million confirmed cases

across the country.

The President has granted law enforcement the ability

to use whatever means necessary

to stop those affected by these drugs.

It is said the next step for containment

and eradication will be martial law.

Help, somebody, somebody.

Hi, we're waiting for the landlord.

Wow.

Oh, hi Rosie.

Sorry I had to break into your place.

I was just checking on the, checking the smoke detectors.

Make sure they're all working.

You never know when these crazy salties

might burn some shit down.

You're walking now.

You know, this morning I looked in the mirror

and said to myself, "Just try it, you lazy bitch."

You'd be surprised what strengths can be unleashed

by sheer willpower.

Oh, great. The new followers are here.

You'll get to meet 'em.

I'm actually kind of in a hurry.

Well, we're actually kind of having a meeting discussing

the new community I wanna build here.

You won't wanna miss it. Come on.

I really can't. I'm sorry.

Well, that's actually kind of what this is all about.

You see, in this new space,

I wanna promote a dogma

that values making time for each other.

There can be no more misunderstandings, no more avoidances,

no more assumptions of characters.

We can't let what transpired with those boys happen again.

Love and cohabitation is the only way we'll survive this.

Anyone who disagrees can go munch some legs

with those comic cannibals.

We're keeping that, Teddy.

I'll hang it up somewhere.

It's what Tank would've wanted.

Oh, isn't it pretty?

The world is sick.

Our duty is to be the antibodies to fight that sickness.

It's always the end times of somebody,

but that's only a state of mind.

Always has been.

We'll recover and when we recover, we'll grow stronger.

And when we grow stronger,

the world will with us, evolving into something more rich

and complex than our forefathers ever dreamed of.

What's the matter, Rosie. Got a problem with our flags?

That's not our flag.

Close enough, red, white and blue.

Look, it's got stars.

You just taking everybody's stuff?

Just the stuff I like, else it goes to waste.

I get the feeling you're forgetting my authority

in this situation.

Nope, there is definitely no doubt about that.

Good, then you won't mind waiting here

while Teddy searches your house.

For what?

I really hope this is the last time you question me.

You must have had a pretty serious brain fart

if you forgot about the triple homicide you

were involved in last night.

A homicide in which you're the last living suspect.

You can hang at Kate's till they're done.

Ma?

Don't think because you swam through my birth canal,

you get special treatment. We're all equal here.

Now be a good neighbor. Help those in need.

Be a good mother. Demonstrate kindness.

Be a good daughter. Do what I say.

New followers, you can take shelter at Howie's old place

while we clear out the other two.

Which one's Howie's?

The one with the big blood splat out front.

Oh, is that a plasma?

What do I care? Take that into my place.

I need you to help me plug in the HDMI cable.

I can never get it in right.

Do you want one?

No thanks. Wanna stay sharp.

What for? You're going to jail.

What?

She planted evidence at your place.

Well, they haven't searched it yet.

I could sneak in-

You're not going anywhere until she says,

and she ain't saying shit until they find it.

Find what?

Whatever it is she planted over there to frame you.

What could it be?

Unless...

Hmm?

Howie's hand.

They never found it, did they?

I don't know, but I'm guessing that'd be

a pretty nifty thing to plant

if you wanted to frame someone, the victim's fucking hand,

she probably stuck it in your fridge.

Maybe you could go in and get it?

Maybe I could.

I don't think it'll help much.

I'll do anything. Please.

How do I know you didn't do it?

She's not just framing you to seal the deal?

You don't know.

I do, I know. Tank would go to extreme measures

to protect us.

Setting up a lie to bring out the truth.

We all knew Howie was a sick little fuck. He had it coming.

But my mother, she's losing her fucking mind obviously.

I'll snatch that hand for you.

Touch my kids, and I'll rip your face off.

Ma said not to leave till she says.

Ma just left.

But the other lady might be there. She's a stranger.

One time grandma read me a story about a girl

who trusted a wolf and then the wolf ate her and her granny.

"Red Riding Hood"?

That's not real.

Besides, it's a wolf. Of course you don't trust a wolf.

It's a wolf. Dumb story.

Grandma said it's real.

Grandma's a troll.

A troll? Like in a fairytale?

No, not like, grandma said that just to mess with you.

She does kinda look like a troll,

so that means fairytales are real then.

Sure.

Trolls really dying fairytales

or they become good like Shrek.

Do you think grandma will die or become good?

More like she'll die first.

Because she's a troll?

She's more like a witch.

Aren't witches immortal?

Well, in the "Wizard of Oz," they kill a witch with water.

Or you can burn 'em with a stake, I think.

Water is easier.

I'll try that first.

Mom won't get mad if I left to stop a witch.

She'll be happy I did it.

I did my best. I couldn't find anything.

You'll probably have better luck.

You fellas are more built for this kind of thing.

That we are, ma'am,

See you later, big stuff.

Kate, get in here quick.

I was just looking for-

I just got off the phone with Christopher.

Who?

Christopher Lipchitz. He owns this place.

You haven't bought it off of him yet?

Other commitments got in the way,

but apparently someone else wants to.

They made him an offer today for two million.

Ma, if you lose this place,

then we're gonna be out on the street

with those things, my kids,

The kids will be fine.

I asked Chris about this mysterious bidder.

He said it was some ratty looking girl came

in earlier today,

something about inheriting a couple million

from a dead friend.

So my old pal, Chris and I get to talking

and he slips me the bidder's name, Perkins comma Rosie.

And after she steals our main source of income,

do you really think she'll keep us as tenants?

And even if she did, would you wanna live that way,

as a slave?

Yep. In a minute now, they'll find that hand and cuff her.

Dumb bitch has no idea what's coming.

Yeah, no idea.

She still at your place?

Where else would she be with the cops on her ass

and those PABS freaks swarming the place?

I better go make sure that she stays put

till they come knocking.

Hmm? Careless of you to just leave her there.

Doing favors for a bitch trying

to kick my babies to the curb?

That'll be the day.

You forget something?

Yeah, I just forgot my phone.

An ending worthy of a true rock star.

What the hell do you think you're doin'?

I'm gonna cook you in this pot, you little shit.

Get up, get up there.

She's a fucking witch.

Hey, you got salts?

How old are you, kid?

They're not for me.

Thanks.

What the fuck do you mean she disappeared?

Of course she did. You left her alone.

How was I supposed to know she was onto you?

Oh hell no.

Well, what the fuck did you leave her alone for,

and with your kids, for what?

So you'd go fuck around her apartment?

What's that all about anyway? Snoopin' threw her records?

Lucius! - I left my phone there.

Oh, well, I hope you're happy.

That's horse shit.

They're gone now, Kate.

My grandkids are gone and it's all your damn fault.

Shut up! We'll find them.

You just have to lure that bitch back here.

I know she took 'em.

She's on the lamb, dumb ass.

This is the last place she'll come back to.

Lucius, come here, boy.

Well, if she wants to buy this place,

then she better exonerate herself.

And the only way she's gonna do that is to prove

that you set her up.

She won't last long out there

with those freaks from the streets anyway.

How do we get her to come back here?

I have a plan for that, dear.

Just sit your ass on this couch

while mama cleans up the mess.

Keep an eye out for that cat.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna have this motherfuckin' smoothie.

Hey, babe, listen.

I dug up some dirt on Liz.

We could take their asses down.

You just gotta meet me at their apartment asap.

I promise it'll work, babe. Just get over here.

Well, see you soon.

Have it your way, you stupid bitch.

Hey, do you speak English or are you one

of those tweaked out Tourette's motherfuckers?

Depends on the day.

You wanna do me a solid?

Everybody out, get out here at once.

Everybody out, get the fuck out here.

Hello, for those of you who don't keep up

with current events,

I'd like to present to you a direct result of the savagery

that's overtaken this world.

Found him on the street, legs eaten by them salties.

He used to live here

and the minute his sadistic ex-girlfriend kicked him out,

look what happened.

Legs chunked off just like the new saying.

His throat's been cut open.

Salt heads did that too

or he did it to himself.

Couldn't handle living a legless life.

These rockstar types, they're narcissists, you know,

obsessed with appearances.

Why didn't you take him to a hospital?

Have you ever heard the story

of the asshole who asked too many questions?

He got evicted. So shut the fuck up.

Everyone, I know you're a little trepidatious

about the investigation,

but I assure you there is nothing to worry about.

Everyone involved has been killed, except one,

and I have a feeling that'll be taken care of quite shortly.

We're starting anew here, cleansing the waters.

We must throw paranoia out the window

and start trusting each other, god dammit.

Out there, that's the enemy.

If we stand together, we can beat him.

If we don't,

that's the future for all of us.

Is that why you're charging us $4,000 a month?

Shh. Don't get on her bad side.

You madam are an idiot. No more questions for today.

Oh wow. What's that?

You found Howie's hand in Rosie's fridge.

Everyone, the investigation is over.

We have found our culprit.

That that girl kidnapped herself

and got those boys to murder each other.

It was in the drawer. How'd you know whose hand it is?

I've been quite close to this investigation

since the beginning, right, Sheriff?

Liz has been a big help.

Why don't you question her again?

I think Del Taco's hiring. You dippy son of a bitch.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's all this about finding it in the drawer?

It wasn't in the fridge?

It wasn't in the fridge, huh?

There she is!

Sheriff, the bitch is back. Send all your men.

She's got my grandkids, for Christ's sake.

God dammit, go get her!

I'll leave a couple of men out front in case she comes back.

Not necessary, Jack. We've got it covered.

Leave no stone unturned. Go now.

God dammit.

I put that hand in the fridge, Kate.

Forgot your phone did ya?

The fridge would've been too obvious.

I didn't want you to fuck this up.

Well, fuck this up was leaving that murdering bitch alone

to run off with my grandkids.

I'd say that's what fuck this up, drawer lady.

I'm not terribly surprised though.

You've always been a fuck-up since you were a girl.

Always running off doing dumb.

That's why Clark left you, no doubt.

That, and you're ugly.

Stop talking, Mother.

I don't have to talk.

I'll just sit here and think it.

Sit here and think about my dumb ugly daughter

while we wait for the cops to save her kids

Kids she lost to a murderer bitch

you stupidly left them alone with.

Stop talking, Mother.

I'm not mad. You only did it 'cause you're dumb.

Yeah, I'll just sit here and think.

Stare at your ugly face.

Smell your ugly stink. Think about how dumb you are.

They'll be back any minute, Kate.

Then you'll never have to see her again.

And you don't even know you're dumb.

That's the worst part.

Most of 'em at least know they're dumb

but you, you're lower than that.

You actually can't see it.

Mom!

Emma?

Oh yeah.

Yeah, she came over for some cookies.

Where's my little boy?

I don't know.

Okay, Emma, I want you to go home

and I want you to wait for Mommy, okay?

Gonna leave her alone so you can lose her again?

You took her, you sick old cunt.

I didn't. She barged in when shit was going down.

Had to protect her from her own curiosity.

Emma, I want you to go wait in the bathroom

and don't come out till I come get you, okay, go.

Turn on the vent.

Where's Willie?

I don't know. She came by herself.

You wouldn't dare try to get your sweet Mammy in trouble.

I've got these cops wrapped around my finger.

One flick of my wrist and you're behind bars, Missy.

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

I told you I haven't seen-

Don't move.

What the are you doing here?

I said don't move. Put your hands on your head.

You're not a cop anymore, idiot.

Put that gun away before you blow off another innocent head.

I knew there was something up with you crazy bitches.

They're all too blind to see, but I'm gonna show 'em.

We're not scared of you, Hussy.

I've killed and fucked men twice your size.

Bryce is successful too.

What the fuck are you doing?

I need water.

Stop moving, now.

Stop or I'll...

What the is wrong with you?

I feel, I taste, it tastes like...

Does it taste like kitties and bath salts?

Oh shit.

What?

I said does it taste

like kitties bath salts?

Baby, what'd you do?

You and grandma lost your mind,

setting up innocent people, kidnapping.

You guys are acting like evil queens.

Oh, I'm glad you're okay.

I'm not okay.

You son of a bitch!

What the fuck are you doing, girl?

You not feeling it?

Feeling what?

What the fuck is this?

It's to take the edge off the salts.

Lucius, what have you done with Lucius?

Where is he?

Oh, you evil little shit.

My poor baby, Lucius.

I'll kill you.

I'm already dying, grandma.

Not fast enough.

Are we seriously out of ammo?

How the do you use all your ammo on one little girl?

You're a sociopath. I've noticed since you were five.

You.

I've been waiting for you, you conniving bitch.

This is all your fault.

Oh, ta ta ta ta ta.

What the are you doing, Ma?

Chopping the evil bitch's legs off.

You've lost goddam your mind.

You're one to talk, cop eater.

What?

You just killed that cop.

You're going to jail.

He's not a cop anymore.

I, no, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Well, only if...

If what?

If they can prove it was you.

I'm gonna have to come identify you

and I can only recognize your face if...

If what, bitch?

If you have one.

You stupid fucking bitch. I got you.

I'm free, you fucking bitch.

Jesus Christ.

Girl, come on.

What about you?

Shut the fuck up, hipster.

You're not talking your way out of this.

Not a scratch on you.

What are you getting at?

You think you're just gonna walk outta here

no questions asked?

I'll have answers.

How did you manage to avoid a single scratch?

I was in the army. I'm tough.

I don't care how tight you're with the sheriff.

If you don't lose something,

they're gonna know that it was all you.

Look around, you're not getting out of this clean.

All my life I've wondered about pain.

How those "Ripley's Believe It or Not!" guys

can burn themselves with hot coals and shit.

I thought it was movie magic. Maybe nerve damage.

See, a long time ago, I had to make a choice

between love and comfort.

I chose comfort

and I haven't felt anything since.

I'll never choose comfort again.

What the?

Stop! For God's sakes, don't.

It's not so bad!

Fuck [indistinct] too! Woo!

One bullet wouldn't do the trick, huh?

That'd have been too easy for those poor fuckers.

Thank God for the army.

And impatient commander in chief.

Desperate times call for desperate-

Fast and messy solutions.

Martial law sounds better.

How'd you manage to survive out here all this time?

Liz always referred

to the manhole condo when she joked about evicting us.

Figured taking her up on that offer

was the least she could do.

Yeah, could've been worse compared to...

Planning on upgrading to above ground?

Yeah. New management coming in.

Might try my luck here again.

After everything that happened?

Fuck yeah. Takin' back what's mine.

What about money?

Let's just say I've capitalized on current events.

You've been selling the drug fix.

Not quite, bottom line, I'm out of that hole,

and it can't cost too much to live here anymore.

The new landlady can't be

a worse bitch than the last one, right?

And they worshiped me, I tell ya,

in their own private little ways.

The peace was kept until that fateful knack.

During the peak of the troubles,

the complex was raided by salties.

As a symbol, a hero to these people,

it was my duty to protect,

but a woman of my age,

I could only fight 'em off for so long.

It's just a matter of time

before those bastards ate my legs.

But it's not their fault.

They're just victims of the time, poor dears.

I'm all right, mostly healed.

It's the emotional scars I'm waiting to close up.

I feel worse for my followers, to be honest.

How will they survive without their North Star,

their courageous leader?

That's my cross to bear. Pendulum swings both ways.

The lower I go now,

the higher I'll be when balance is restored.

It's the nature of the universe.

A little rest, and I'll grab life by the balls again,

like I always do.

I'll be the sexiest legless bitch wheeled

into the White House since Roosevelt.

I'll start humbly, run for secretary of state,

and I'll follow that up by winning.

All right, how are we feeling today, Mrs. Topham-Myrtle?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm wonderful now that you are here.

- Hmm. - I got a heavy load

for you though, ah.

Thank you so much, hun.

Don't let anyone else see that.

Oh, I definitely won't.

Keepin' up appearances.

Bring back a bigger one.

Fuckin' disgusting.