Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,240
Ladies and gentlemen!
2
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,639
Eddie Murphy!
3
00:03:42,996 --> 00:03:49,395
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Two times, far two times.
4
00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:55,875
Before I even get started how about
a big round of applause for the Bus Boys.
5
00:04:08,794 --> 00:04:15,033
There's some rules, I got some rules when I show
down and I do my standup, I got rules and shit.
6
00:04:15,073 --> 00:04:19,553
Faggots aren't allowed to look
at my ass while I'm on stage!
7
00:04:24,272 --> 00:04:27,214
That's why I keep moving while I'm up here.
8
00:04:27,477 --> 00:04:31,455
You don't know where the faggot section is,
you gotta keep movin'.
9
00:04:31,592 --> 00:04:37,391
So if they do see it, quick, you switch,
they don't get no long stares at your shit...
10
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:40,151
... so that their imagination is flowing about my...
11
00:04:40,951 --> 00:04:44,551
I know when you're looking,
'cos my ass starts to get hot.
12
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:49,310
I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified.
I have nightmares about gay people.
13
00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:55,310
I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood
and find out that Mr. T is a faggot.
14
00:04:56,070 --> 00:05:01,509
Really, and he'd be walking up to people going:
"Hey, boy! Hey, boy! "
15
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:06,349
"You look mighty cute in them jeans! "
16
00:05:11,069 --> 00:05:17,108
"Now come on over here,
and fuck me up the ass! "
17
00:05:19,628 --> 00:05:22,548
"I'm gonna bend over now! "
18
00:05:29,187 --> 00:05:33,907
"Hey, boy, slow down! You're gonna miss
the round, and come too fast! "
19
00:05:34,147 --> 00:05:38,546
"You make me get get mad I clench up
my buttcheeks and rip your dick of! "
20
00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:48,545
You know who would be a funny faggot?
Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton!
21
00:05:49,145 --> 00:05:56,345
Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and:
"Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you somethin'!"
22
00:05:58,465 --> 00:06:01,064
"Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there pal of mine? "
23
00:06:01,344 --> 00:06:04,744
"You know Norton, I've been watching you.
24
00:06:05,744 --> 00:06:11,144
And I know you've been watching me.
You watch me! I know!"
25
00:06:11,303 --> 00:06:12,783
"So, Ralph, what are you gettin' at?"
26
00:06:12,943 --> 00:06:19,063
"Norton, my friend!
How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"
27
00:06:19,903 --> 00:06:22,063
"I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!"
28
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:26,542
"And you know that I know that you know
that I know that you wanna fuck me!"
29
00:06:26,742 --> 00:06:33,102
"Now I'm gonna bend over,
and when I do, start fuckin'!"
30
00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,701
"Here I go! "
31
00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:52,540
"Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!"
32
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:57,700
I kid the homosexuals a lot,
'cos they're homosexuals.
33
00:06:59,259 --> 00:07:04,019
I fuck with everybody. I don't give a fuck if they're...
Just like I'm... I don't mean anything by it.
34
00:07:04,179 --> 00:07:05,499
You can hang out with a gay person.
35
00:07:06,619 --> 00:07:09,899
Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated,
like, gay people, 'cos they're gay.
36
00:07:09,939 --> 00:07:13,138
You can play tennis with a gay person.
Really!
37
00:07:13,378 --> 00:07:15,698
Just after the game you say:
"I'm gonna get a beer, what's you gonna do? "
38
00:07:15,738 --> 00:07:19,138
"I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick. "
"Well, I'll see you later!"
39
00:07:21,418 --> 00:07:24,057
"You go suck that dick, I'm gonna have the beer. "
40
00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:27,737
Ladies are hip to it too.
Ladies be hanging out with gay people.
41
00:07:27,977 --> 00:07:31,217
Ladies say:
"Gay men are the best friends I have! "
42
00:07:31,657 --> 00:07:34,137
"'cos they don't want anything from you, you
don't want anything from them, you just hang out,
43
00:07:34,297 --> 00:07:37,776
you can be with them and get fun and just talk to
them and all that bullshit, maybe hanging out with them.
44
00:07:38,336 --> 00:07:41,494
You know what's really scary about it?
That new AIDS shit.
45
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:44,691
AIDS is scary 'cos it kills motherfuckers, AIDS!
46
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:49,091
That ain't like the good ol' days
when venereal disease was simple.
47
00:07:49,431 --> 00:07:54,103
In the good old days, you got gonorhea,
you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up.
48
00:07:54,255 --> 00:07:58,135
Then they came out with herpes,
you keep that shit forever like luggage.
49
00:08:03,054 --> 00:08:06,054
And now they got AIDS,
that just kills motherfuckers.
50
00:08:06,127 --> 00:08:10,894
I say what's next, I guess you just
put your dick in it and explodes!
51
00:08:22,253 --> 00:08:25,852
And the girl would be on the bed:
"Maybe I should see a doctor about it... "
52
00:08:26,932 --> 00:08:31,252
Kills people! It petrifies me 'cos
girls be hanging out with them.
53
00:08:31,492 --> 00:08:35,331
One night they could be in the club having
fun with their gayfriend, give them a little kiss.
54
00:08:35,411 --> 00:08:37,291
And go home with AIDS on their lips!
55
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:41,211
And then when her husband, like five years later.
56
00:08:41,451 --> 00:08:44,771
"AIDS?! But I'm not homosexual!"
57
00:08:45,611 --> 00:08:48,370
"Sure you're not homosexual... "
58
00:08:51,050 --> 00:08:56,210
All the diseases scare me 'cos I'm like these...
these are fuck years for me, like I'm...
59
00:08:56,930 --> 00:09:00,609
I'm in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now!
60
00:09:03,049 --> 00:09:06,489
These are the years to fuck!
This is when you do your best fucking.
61
00:09:06,689 --> 00:09:12,168
And you just start to learn your body
and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck...
62
00:09:12,528 --> 00:09:16,168
Like 18 year olds, let me hear you
all in the audience!
63
00:09:17,568 --> 00:09:20,728
See y'all don't know how to fuck yet, see.
64
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:30,471
You get 22. You start movin' all this shit.
65
00:09:31,064 --> 00:09:34,095
Makin' faces, ever made them fuck faces
its a cool motherfucking thing.
66
00:09:39,926 --> 00:09:43,126
You don't do that when you're 18. There's just 1
expression 'cos you be surprised you fuckin'.
67
00:09:49,765 --> 00:09:53,045
Plus you don't have
no dick control when you're 18!
68
00:09:53,525 --> 00:09:58,245
Ever been sitting around when you was young man,
just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing?
69
00:09:59,284 --> 00:10:02,724
You be just sitting there and your
dick's here: "What's going on out there?"
70
00:10:04,684 --> 00:10:08,484
That's when the teacher say: "Mr Murphy,
would you come over by the board?"
71
00:10:09,324 --> 00:10:13,603
"No, that's allright.
I'll take the zero. "
72
00:10:14,949 --> 00:10:16,309
Really, no dick control at all.
73
00:10:16,323 --> 00:10:18,390
It's even hard to find the pussy when you're 18.
74
00:10:18,391 --> 00:10:21,265
Ever had that guys? You'd be
searching for the pussy down there.
75
00:10:21,723 --> 00:10:27,642
And your dick be sliding down and shit,
and the girl be going: "That's not it... "
76
00:10:33,042 --> 00:10:35,601
"Is there any problem? "
"No, ain't no problem, baby. "
77
00:10:36,721 --> 00:10:40,041
"You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?"
78
00:10:46,801 --> 00:10:51,760
And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy.
That's why I got in show bussiness, for pussy.
79
00:10:52,790 --> 00:10:56,600
I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck,
I'm fucking everybody.
80
00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:02,045
And it's like that too.
81
00:11:02,159 --> 00:11:06,079
When you do TV-shows, women would be
throwing pussy at me on the street like frisbee.
82
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:09,519
"Ed! "
"Thank you! Appreciate that! "
83
00:11:18,038 --> 00:11:20,918
Too much pussy, pussy would be
falling outta my pocket.
84
00:11:21,278 --> 00:11:25,437
Walking out the street, you say:
"Oh, watch your step, that's mine. "
85
00:11:32,957 --> 00:11:38,316
Being a comic though ain't like being no singer.
The singers get all the pussy.
86
00:11:38,716 --> 00:11:45,716
Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody.
Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves.
87
00:11:46,156 --> 00:11:49,995
Come to my house the fish stop swimming.
They don't play.
88
00:11:53,075 --> 00:11:56,115
Singers gets pussy. 'cos you don't have to,
89
00:11:56,235 --> 00:11:58,874
even you don't have to look good,
you can sing and get pussy.
90
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:03,474
Just be interesting. 'cos this Sex Symbol
is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker.
91
00:12:04,314 --> 00:12:08,354
'cos all you have to do is sing, its somethin bout singing,
that is the business, you sing, women go crazy.
92
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:12,633
Cos, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker!
93
00:12:17,353 --> 00:12:18,833
With big ass lips!
94
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:24,152
Mick Jagger's lips are so big black people be going:
"You got some big ass lips! "
95
00:12:27,112 --> 00:12:29,232
"These are big motherfucking lips! "
96
00:12:29,472 --> 00:12:31,672
But he's singing!
If you sing you'll get over.
97
00:12:32,592 --> 00:12:36,111
Luther Vandross is a big
Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker.
98
00:12:37,871 --> 00:12:41,431
But he put that shit up like... .
And women go:
99
00:12:45,111 --> 00:12:48,150
Sing! 'cos all you got to do is sing.
100
00:12:48,470 --> 00:12:52,430
Michael Jackson, who can sing,
and is a good looking guy.
101
00:12:53,110 --> 00:12:56,830
But ain't the most masculine fellow
in the world.
102
00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:05,949
That's Michael's hook, his sensivity!
103
00:13:06,589 --> 00:13:09,309
That's when women be sayin:
"Michael's just so sensitive... "
104
00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:10,702
And they eat that shit up. Mike knows.
105
00:13:10,828 --> 00:13:15,188
He be using women. I've seen Mike walk up to a
girl and they'd be in the audience and say:
106
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:19,188
"Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you... "
107
00:13:20,948 --> 00:13:25,067
And women go: "Whaaaaa! "
108
00:13:26,027 --> 00:13:30,467
Then, if you don't scream, Michael
gets really sensitive and cries on your ass.
109
00:13:30,907 --> 00:13:33,107
Ever hear that record "She's out of my life"?
110
00:14:16,983 --> 00:14:20,103
"Tito, give me some tissues. "
111
00:14:25,422 --> 00:14:28,302
"Jermaine, stop teasing. "
112
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:34,302
You just sing! I like dudes with masculine voices,
you know, like Teddy Pendergrass.
113
00:14:36,221 --> 00:14:38,341
Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and:
114
00:14:41,261 --> 00:14:43,701
And scare the bitches that are liking him.
115
00:14:44,445 --> 00:14:47,855
That motherfucker's crazy,
throw your panties on the stage.
116
00:14:47,982 --> 00:14:50,829
That's whats happening. I like Elvis Presley!
117
00:14:51,580 --> 00:14:56,860
Really I give credit where credit is due. When
Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker.
118
00:14:58,220 --> 00:15:04,499
He was vicious. Sing his ass off. He sang so
good, they let him do movies, he couldn't act.
119
00:15:04,979 --> 00:15:07,339
They said:
"Fuck it! Let him sing all his dialogues! "
120
00:15:08,419 --> 00:15:11,898
"Elvis, we got to win this race!"
"We got to win this race... . "
121
00:15:13,578 --> 00:15:20,058
"Elvis, want some lemonade?"
"Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink... . "
122
00:15:20,458 --> 00:15:23,097
Let him sing 'till he was older too,
Elvis was 42 years old.
123
00:15:23,657 --> 00:15:31,097
He would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit
... and his butt be sticking out and shit...
124
00:15:31,537 --> 00:15:35,896
looking like he had to shit, out
walking on the stage like this...
125
00:16:07,414 --> 00:16:10,693
"Excuse me. "
126
00:16:13,893 --> 00:16:19,413
Sing! That's the key to it.
You don't even have to be able to talk.
127
00:16:20,573 --> 00:16:25,412
Just sing and get famous.
James Brown's been singing for 20 years.
128
00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:29,292
I don't know what the fuck
James is talkin' about!
129
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,772
I don't understand shit James says!
130
00:16:33,252 --> 00:16:36,771
I met him once at Saturday Night Live, walked up to him
and said "James, I luv your stuff".
131
00:16:43,091 --> 00:16:49,090
And whatever James is saying
is some really heavy shit to James.
132
00:16:49,330 --> 00:16:52,090
'cos at the end of every sentence
he ended up with:
133
00:16:53,290 --> 00:16:55,890
He meant that shit that he just said!
134
00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:01,923
And you getting mad you start putting the needle
back "What the fuck did I just miss?"
135
00:17:11,088 --> 00:17:15,008
That's a James Brown lyric.
He wrote that shit!
136
00:17:15,448 --> 00:17:17,608
He's writing a song and:
"I need a word in here: Heaay! "
137
00:17:18,408 --> 00:17:20,488
"That's good! "
138
00:18:24,002 --> 00:18:26,722
Band be going:
"What the fuck is James talking about?"
139
00:18:26,723 --> 00:18:27,723
I don't know but we're getting paid,
keep singing.
140
00:18:36,932 --> 00:18:41,221
And people take singers. There's something about
singers that people just love and shit.
141
00:18:41,481 --> 00:18:45,521
'Cos I... I did Stevie Wonder on a show once.
142
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,000
And black people lost their motherfucking minds!
143
00:18:52,058 --> 00:18:53,354
I have brothers rawling up on me going:
144
00:18:53,501 --> 00:18:56,406
"Hey! You the motherfucker that'd
been doing Stevie Wonder?"
145
00:18:56,780 --> 00:18:59,559
"That shit ain't funny, motherfucker! "
146
00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:05,999
"Don't you never let me see you do
that shit again! I'll fuck you up! "
147
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,799
"Stevie Wonder is a musical genius! "
148
00:19:15,678 --> 00:19:21,798
That's terrible! That's terrible, man!
Your mother brought you up wrong.
149
00:19:23,197 --> 00:19:25,550
I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie
two months ago, I said:
150
00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:28,241
"Look, Steve, I get 2 months flack over this impression. "
151
00:19:28,757 --> 00:19:31,677
"I don't like doin', I ain't doing this shit no more. "
Stevie says: "Well I feel that... "
152
00:19:31,917 --> 00:19:33,997
"Shut the fuck up! "
153
00:19:34,596 --> 00:19:38,516
'Cos you gotta cut Steve off quick,
'cos if he starts rolling he talks your ears off.
154
00:19:39,076 --> 00:19:42,916
You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up
to give one of those long ass acceptance speeches?
155
00:19:43,796 --> 00:19:49,675
"And the winner is Stevie Wonder! "
156
00:19:52,475 --> 00:19:56,835
'... God's chosen and... "
"Just take the motherfuckin award and get the fuck out! "
157
00:19:57,595 --> 00:20:02,194
'cos if you don't say that the credits will be rolling
and Stevie going: "And I'd like to thank... "
158
00:20:02,794 --> 00:20:05,254
I've been in the car and said:
"Just shut the fuck up, Steve!"
159
00:20:05,364 --> 00:20:08,514
I'm telling you, genius and all that shit,
but you're my boy, man, we hang and,
160
00:20:08,539 --> 00:20:11,862
I mean, like, it's nice and shit but
I don't appreciate all the flack.
161
00:20:12,042 --> 00:20:14,878
And personally, the piano and the singing,
I told you how I feel about singing...
162
00:20:15,022 --> 00:20:16,297
"... I ain't impressed. "
163
00:20:17,393 --> 00:20:21,273
"You wanna impress me?
Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker! "
164
00:20:25,912 --> 00:20:29,672
"I heard that shit, man! "
"That shit wasn't funny! "
165
00:20:29,952 --> 00:20:32,727
Then I suppose in your little sketch
Stevie crashed in a tree, right?
166
00:20:32,903 --> 00:20:35,486
"Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker! "
167
00:20:38,151 --> 00:20:41,471
"Your mother got a wooden leg
with a kick stand, motherfucker! "
168
00:20:45,351 --> 00:20:49,470
"Your mother got a mouth in the back
of her neck and the bitch chews like this! "
169
00:20:52,790 --> 00:20:55,990
"Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit! "
170
00:21:04,749 --> 00:21:07,509
It's hot as fuck in here!
171
00:21:08,589 --> 00:21:10,668
"Take it off! "
172
00:21:11,148 --> 00:21:18,108
No, I can't take it off. Maybe ladies would run up
the place holding their pussies going: "Aaaah! "
173
00:21:19,428 --> 00:21:22,707
What's going on over there?
Ladies run down the street and... can't do that.
174
00:21:24,307 --> 00:21:26,987
Do we have the icecream man around here?
175
00:21:31,147 --> 00:21:33,827
Remember when the icecream man
used to come to town when you was little?
176
00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:37,266
And no matter what you was doing
you would stop and lose your fucking mind!
177
00:21:38,746 --> 00:21:41,666
There's something about the icecream
truck that makes kids lose it.
178
00:21:42,226 --> 00:21:46,065
And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away.
They don't hear their mothers calling
179
00:21:46,225 --> 00:21:48,185
but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.
180
00:21:49,305 --> 00:21:54,385
And no matter what was was going on, the iceman
came, it stopped. You be gettin' some marbles and shit:
181
00:21:57,944 --> 00:22:07,584
"Icecream! Icecream! The icecream man is coming!
The icecream man is coming! "
182
00:22:09,104 --> 00:22:16,063
"Mom! Mom! "
"Throw down some money! "
183
00:22:16,863 --> 00:22:20,103
"The icecream man is coming! "
184
00:22:21,862 --> 00:22:26,662
Then your mother come to the window
and be throwing change and say:
185
00:22:26,742 --> 00:22:28,582
and bring back my change.
186
00:22:28,742 --> 00:22:31,382
Catch all that shit and run down the street, top speed.
187
00:22:32,182 --> 00:22:35,461
Chasing icecream truck and:
"Icecream! "
188
00:22:35,901 --> 00:22:40,061
Icecream man always drove extra blocks away.
And I know he's seen us and shit,
189
00:22:41,301 --> 00:22:46,060
but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say:
"Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run"
190
00:22:48,620 --> 00:22:53,300
You'd be behind him doing 50 and
going: "Icecream! "
191
00:23:00,219 --> 00:23:02,419
"Thank you, icecream man! Thank you! "
192
00:23:04,873 --> 00:23:08,785
I'd get my icecream and I didn't eat it
just sing for a little while.
193
00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:10,575
You know how kids are.
194
00:23:13,218 --> 00:23:24,057
"I have some icecream, I have some icecream,
and I'm gonna eat it all, I'm gonna eat it all... "
195
00:23:27,457 --> 00:23:37,456
The icecream be running down your arm and shit
196
00:23:41,496 --> 00:23:50,895
"You don't have no icecream!
You didn't get none! You didn't get none!
197
00:23:51,255 --> 00:24:01,934
"'cos you are under wellfare, you can't afford it. "
198
00:24:03,974 --> 00:24:10,573
Other kids would join in: "You can't afford it,
and his father is an alcoholic! "
199
00:24:35,011 --> 00:24:39,571
"You dropped your icecream,
you dropped your icecream... "
200
00:24:57,490 --> 00:25:03,129
Eat it. I could drop my icecream in a pile
of shit and eat it. I would be like "It's just sprinkles"
201
00:25:03,929 --> 00:25:06,575
Unless your mother catch you doin'
that nasty shit, though.
202
00:25:06,988 --> 00:25:09,308
My mother caught me doing that,
she made me put it down in 1 sentence:
203
00:25:10,372 --> 00:25:12,848
And you dropped that shit, quick.
204
00:25:15,208 --> 00:25:18,048
Anybody got them mothers
that would hit you with a shoe?
205
00:25:19,008 --> 00:25:22,807
I had a mother, that was so ashoed
she would do at the drop of a dime.
206
00:25:22,927 --> 00:25:25,167
And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming.
207
00:25:26,687 --> 00:25:32,447
And bad with the shoe, carry that shit like a gun,
my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe.
208
00:25:32,967 --> 00:25:35,766
And you fucked up, my mom
was walking the room just like:
209
00:25:47,245 --> 00:25:51,805
"Why did you eat your icecream off the floor? "
"I didn't, I just... "
210
00:26:00,364 --> 00:26:03,124
Bad! Accurate!
211
00:26:03,444 --> 00:26:07,924
You'd be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing
cereals off the counter going: "Mom, can we get this? "
212
00:26:09,523 --> 00:26:11,003
" I guess not! "
213
00:26:12,323 --> 00:26:15,563
And could be doing three different things, be on
the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this
214
00:26:15,683 --> 00:26:18,243
hand have the phone like this and be sayin'
"Yeah, mama, hold on a second. "
215
00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:27,042
Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be
dressed up and had them high heels on.
216
00:26:27,922 --> 00:26:31,002
Them pumps, 'cos then she gets
boomerang action going on your ass!
217
00:26:31,122 --> 00:26:34,081
And fuck you up in your room, you won't
even know what the fuck happened.
218
00:26:34,561 --> 00:26:36,277
They can hear you when you're getting
ready to walk out the door.
219
00:26:36,512 --> 00:26:38,705
And hear you on the bunk beds fucking around.
They got that mother hearing.
220
00:26:39,201 --> 00:26:41,121
"Wait a minute, baby. "
221
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,040
"Let's go. "
222
00:27:09,399 --> 00:27:12,685
She was the one who did all the
disciplining around the house and shit.
223
00:27:14,570 --> 00:27:16,819
Very, very strict house I came from.
224
00:27:16,838 --> 00:27:24,637
And I remember when I first went to my first
contact with a white family, it freaked me out.
225
00:27:30,037 --> 00:27:34,876
And I was there, I found some white kids
can curse around the house! That fucked me up!
226
00:27:35,836 --> 00:27:39,716
Coz I couldn't even say "dagg" around my house,
my momma said "sounds too much like damn. "
227
00:27:40,776 --> 00:27:42,846
I got in trouble for saying shit the wrong way.
228
00:27:42,846 --> 00:27:44,676
I was in the house with Tom Kildez.
229
00:27:44,676 --> 00:27:50,395
His mother said "Tom you're a little late. He said
"Come on mom I'm moving as fast as I can shit. "
230
00:27:51,195 --> 00:27:53,595
And I was standing like this:
231
00:27:56,795 --> 00:28:00,394
And if I tried to pull some shit like that
in my house? "Ed, you're a little late! "
232
00:28:00,754 --> 00:28:05,394
"Oh, come on, pop, shit, what is this!
Come on, damn! " My pop just go:
233
00:28:15,753 --> 00:28:18,273
"That motherfucker's crazy! "
234
00:28:30,112 --> 00:28:32,832
Remember in the old days
when you could beat up a woman?
235
00:28:33,311 --> 00:28:37,271
Remember that shit back in the 20's, the guys just
smacked their wives in the movies... And they just go:
236
00:28:39,711 --> 00:28:45,430
You can't do shit like that no more. Women be
takin' aerobics, and they'll fuck you up now!
237
00:28:50,710 --> 00:28:55,630
It's scary too, man! Especially a black woman.
You hit a black woman she lose her mind!
238
00:28:58,349 --> 00:29:01,429
Seriously. They go crazy, you can have a
really timid sister for a girl, and smack it be like:
239
00:29:01,869 --> 00:29:08,149
"I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker! You don't hit
me like that! You don't hit me shit!
240
00:29:08,429 --> 00:29:13,948
"You don't put your hands on my face!
241
00:29:15,148 --> 00:29:19,868
"Baby, please, stop! Baby, please... stop!
Baby, hold on, stop, please! "
242
00:29:20,808 --> 00:29:26,177
"Calm down, baby, calm down! "
"You don't hit me, motherfucker! "
243
00:29:26,657 --> 00:29:28,227
"So get the fuck out!"
244
00:29:28,227 --> 00:29:32,237
Throw you out your own house, you
be so scared you get the fuck out too.
245
00:29:32,837 --> 00:29:37,476
That's some shit. You know you're scared when a woman
says get the fuck out your own house and you leave.
246
00:29:38,426 --> 00:29:41,946
I had a girlfriend once,
I smacked her and got all cool and shit.
247
00:29:42,066 --> 00:29:44,786
And then she got cool
and scared me more and I just left.
248
00:29:45,785 --> 00:29:51,025
"I didn't want to do that shit, baby!
But you brought that shit on yourself"
249
00:29:52,025 --> 00:29:54,245
"Dont make me have to do it again. "
250
00:29:54,245 --> 00:29:56,685
She said: "No, no I did bring it on myself. "
251
00:29:57,744 --> 00:30:00,624
"Why don't you just go to sleep! "
252
00:30:06,984 --> 00:30:08,704
Got the fuck out. People are changing.
253
00:30:11,223 --> 00:30:15,263
Men are changing too, this shit the guys do now
you couldn't do what they did 30 years ago.
254
00:30:16,183 --> 00:30:20,063
In the old days, you had an argument with your
girl in the car, she say: "Let me out of here! "
255
00:30:20,663 --> 00:30:23,542
Men would say:
"No, no, we can't have any of that. "
256
00:30:23,942 --> 00:30:27,822
And nowadays a woman say that shit,
dude: "Get the fuck out! "
257
00:30:36,901 --> 00:30:39,701
Somebody broke wind in here!
258
00:30:40,021 --> 00:30:44,501
I've been trying like not say nothing
but someone farted in this motherfucker.
259
00:30:48,140 --> 00:30:51,420
That's some long-distance fart too, boy.
260
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:54,960
I know you get down with your friends have a good time.
261
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:58,589
Especially fellas. . ya know they play that game,
they play the fart game you know.
262
00:30:59,089 --> 00:31:01,209
You know you fart around your fellas and its funny.
263
00:31:01,769 --> 00:31:06,209
Dudes be doing that they be gettin in elevators
farting and laughing and shit.
264
00:31:06,579 --> 00:31:12,818
It's nasty! You play the fart game. I think deep
down inside people wanna smell other people's farts.
265
00:31:13,938 --> 00:31:17,738
'Cos you smell them.
And people always tell you they farted.
266
00:31:18,778 --> 00:31:23,817
They say: "I farted. " You don't leave,
you pause a second. "Yeah, you did! "
267
00:31:25,497 --> 00:31:28,869
'cos in the back of your mind you wanna
grade the fart.
268
00:31:28,904 --> 00:31:30,668
'cos if it smells bad enough,
two years later you be going:
269
00:31:30,817 --> 00:31:33,776
"Remember that fart you made, two years ago? "
270
00:31:34,496 --> 00:31:38,266
The fart game you play.
Starts off around the house when you're little.
271
00:31:38,756 --> 00:31:40,656
Your father introduces you to it.
272
00:31:40,676 --> 00:31:43,696
You'd be sitting in the house on a Saturday morning,
watching cartoons and your father make a fart and:
273
00:31:44,176 --> 00:31:47,015
"That wasn't me, that was your mother. "
274
00:31:47,535 --> 00:31:51,455
"Oh, baby, baby! I want a divorce, uh!
You're rotten, baby, shit! "
275
00:31:53,005 --> 00:31:58,334
And you join in, grab your little brother,
sit on his head and fart. You ever do that?
276
00:31:58,884 --> 00:32:02,984
That's a fun game, you little brother freak out and go: "Waaah"
277
00:32:03,864 --> 00:32:06,994
And your father goes: "It's the fart game,
you'll play one day son. "
278
00:32:06,994 --> 00:32:10,053
The fart game, you get your
best friend in on that shit too.
279
00:32:10,053 --> 00:32:14,143
You can walk up to your best friend while he's
watching a football game and fart in his face.
280
00:32:14,143 --> 00:32:15,143
He won't even get mad.
281
00:32:15,643 --> 00:32:18,583
He just go: "Ok, you got me. "
282
00:32:20,173 --> 00:32:24,812
"That was a good one, too! My mouth was
open. My mouth was open on that! "
283
00:32:26,302 --> 00:32:31,082
I got a scar, over my eye till this day from
playing the fart game in the bathtub.
284
00:32:31,292 --> 00:32:36,731
Me and my big brother used to play it. We were poor,
we didn't have mr. bubble, we played the fart game.
285
00:32:50,010 --> 00:32:52,610
"I think it's smelly! "
286
00:33:01,129 --> 00:33:04,609
"I'm G. I Joe, I'm swimming on the water... "
287
00:33:34,526 --> 00:33:39,776
And my big brother was sitting in the other end
of the tub, and made shit in the tub.
288
00:33:40,176 --> 00:33:43,446
He wanted to add some excitement to the game.
289
00:33:44,666 --> 00:33:48,445
He said: "And then a big brown shark came. "
290
00:33:52,255 --> 00:33:54,305
I jumped up and said: "Aaaaah. "
291
00:33:54,415 --> 00:33:57,884
Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood
gushing out and shit.
292
00:33:57,884 --> 00:34:00,294
Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom.
293
00:34:00,534 --> 00:34:04,534
Seeing my big brother sittin in the bathroom
with a piece of shit in his hand.
294
00:34:06,844 --> 00:34:10,313
I was layin at the bottom of the water with blood
gushing outta my eye...
295
00:34:10,493 --> 00:34:14,083
And G. I. Joe up my ass...
296
00:34:17,843 --> 00:34:20,323
My mother: "What the fuck is going on over here? "
297
00:34:26,282 --> 00:34:28,882
Can I hold somebody's camera.
Anybody bring a camera?
298
00:34:30,802 --> 00:34:33,561
Does its flash go immediately?
299
00:34:33,561 --> 00:34:38,481
Like I don't have to be waiting like my aunt
and shit "Wait a second now! "
300
00:34:42,521 --> 00:34:46,760
They try to press it and the shit don't work they
be going like: "There's something wrong with it... "
301
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:54,520
And it go immediately the flash. Are you sure?
I'll take a picture of the crowd, for myself.
302
00:35:04,879 --> 00:35:07,799
OK, y'all come over here on this now?
303
00:35:11,118 --> 00:35:13,718
You know? I'll take two of them.
304
00:35:17,238 --> 00:35:20,198
This ain't no instamatic motherfucker!
305
00:35:21,237 --> 00:35:23,077
I got to wait for the flash and shit!
306
00:35:30,867 --> 00:35:34,196
See you got me waiting I should break your shit.
307
00:35:41,156 --> 00:35:45,475
See the brothers sitting in the back go:
"All this money and he taking motherfucking pictures! "
308
00:35:46,002 --> 00:35:49,749
"I want my picture took, I'd steal
a car motherfucker!"
309
00:35:55,155 --> 00:35:57,554
"Hey, man, I said one fuckin' picture! "
310
00:35:59,394 --> 00:36:02,594
"You're going to ruin
my fucking film, man. Come on, shit! "
311
00:36:03,754 --> 00:36:06,194
"Who the fuck do you think you are, man! "
312
00:36:17,473 --> 00:36:20,473
I'll see you explain the last one
to the guy at the Photomat.
313
00:36:21,792 --> 00:36:24,792
"That's a picture of Eddie Murphy's dick... "
314
00:36:25,072 --> 00:36:28,392
You know what would be a good picture?
Can all the brothers stand up?
315
00:36:28,512 --> 00:36:30,632
All the brothers in the audience?
Straight up! Everybody up!
316
00:36:33,911 --> 00:36:40,151
Straight up! I'm serious! What the fuck are you doing?
Will you, motherfucker stand up? Up!
317
00:36:41,231 --> 00:36:43,291
And all the ladies get the cameras up.
318
00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:45,690
We're gonna set the record straight here.
319
00:36:45,910 --> 00:36:47,080
When I say go...
320
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,190
... everybody whip out their dick and go: "Wuuuhaaa"
321
00:36:51,205 --> 00:36:53,873
Look how fast the white dudes sat down.
322
00:37:00,069 --> 00:37:03,309
Some of them still standing.
Y'all must be italian!
323
00:37:07,189 --> 00:37:11,268
We got some shit on us.
324
00:37:12,148 --> 00:37:14,028
We got all this shit!
325
00:37:15,308 --> 00:37:17,988
We got some dicks hanging down!
326
00:37:18,628 --> 00:37:21,867
Dicks down to this motherfucker!
327
00:37:22,787 --> 00:37:23,907
You don't believe it.
328
00:37:24,107 --> 00:37:28,347
White people don't believe it. What's funny about it,
white people are the ones that made up the rumor.
329
00:37:30,347 --> 00:37:34,986
"You know, black people have tremendous dicks,
but I don't believe it! "
330
00:37:36,666 --> 00:37:42,386
You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa?
Big ass piece of bone dick on the floor.
331
00:37:43,466 --> 00:37:46,145
"What is this shit? "
"It's an old dried up dick. "
332
00:37:47,905 --> 00:37:50,345
"That means the first dick belonged
to a black man. "
333
00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:53,625
Dicks. We got the shit for it.
334
00:37:54,105 --> 00:37:57,584
We got nice asses, too. We got our shit on.
335
00:38:02,244 --> 00:38:04,284
You see a white dude would be in this suit like this.
336
00:38:08,464 --> 00:38:14,423
"All right, man! All right, maaan! "
337
00:38:18,263 --> 00:38:23,582
I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend,
Doug's ass is way up here on his back.
338
00:38:24,462 --> 00:38:28,942
Ain't it, Doug? Doug be getting shit stains on his collar.
339
00:38:31,092 --> 00:38:34,601
And in restaurants be reaching for his wallet:
"Lemme get my wallet"
340
00:38:35,651 --> 00:38:40,041
Coz we got our shit hooked,
all this is hooked up with black people.
341
00:38:40,041 --> 00:38:44,321
Chinese people are fucked all around,
coz they got little dicks and little asses.
342
00:38:44,321 --> 00:38:45,840
They do and its fucked up the way they walk.
343
00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:49,810
They be walking all light coz they
ain't got no shit pulling them down.
344
00:38:49,820 --> 00:38:54,700
Now, a brother's dick is too big it fucks
up his balance so he'd have to do all this shit. .
345
00:39:03,499 --> 00:39:07,819
Everytime you see a brother
in a wheel chair he ain't always cripple.
346
00:39:09,098 --> 00:39:11,028
He's got big shit hanging down!
347
00:39:11,438 --> 00:39:15,378
That's why all the brothers model
they drawers in the newspapers. Think 'bout it.
348
00:39:16,048 --> 00:39:19,818
I've been seeing newspapers every sunday morning.
A white dude in his drawers...
349
00:39:20,947 --> 00:39:23,147
Never have no balls in they drawers.
350
00:39:23,577 --> 00:39:29,057
Smiling and shit. If I had no balls
I wouldn't be smiling this shit.
351
00:39:33,456 --> 00:39:35,696
"I don't have any dick! "
352
00:39:35,696 --> 00:39:41,336
Brother be standing there. . if a brother models
his drawers they need an extra fold in the page.
353
00:39:42,726 --> 00:39:45,875
They're selling underwear but this niggers
dick is in my coffee.
354
00:39:46,375 --> 00:39:48,215
"Want me stir it for you? "
355
00:39:55,335 --> 00:39:57,094
That's some true shit.
356
00:39:58,454 --> 00:40:00,054
What's today's date?
357
00:40:06,984 --> 00:40:08,313
Don't go to cook-outs.
358
00:40:08,813 --> 00:40:10,363
I hate cook-outs man.
359
00:40:10,393 --> 00:40:14,263
Stay away from cook-outs, if you're like me stay away.
360
00:40:14,503 --> 00:40:19,283
I don't like my family come by the house, with
the relatives I ain't seen since the last cook-out.
361
00:40:19,663 --> 00:40:22,692
You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out.
362
00:40:22,692 --> 00:40:25,702
And they get on your fuckin nerves every year.
363
00:40:25,872 --> 00:40:28,092
My uncle Gus come by the house every year.
364
00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:30,982
My uncle Gus is the uncle that likes to work the grill.
365
00:40:30,982 --> 00:40:33,991
And don't let nobody touch the grill
when he's around and shit.
366
00:40:33,991 --> 00:40:34,991
As as soon as he walks in the house its like:
367
00:40:35,001 --> 00:40:36,001
"Get away from that grill you dunna
know how to start a fire"
368
00:40:37,081 --> 00:40:38,771
"You dunna start no fire, put this fire out.
This ain't no fire goddamnit. "
369
00:40:38,951 --> 00:40:42,491
"Eddie. Eddie go over there get all of
that wood I need half a tree. Chop that tree. "
370
00:40:42,491 --> 00:40:43,491
"Chop down that tree and give me the wood. "
371
00:40:43,891 --> 00:40:45,900
"And Charlie go get me 2 gallons of
gasoline out the shed. "
372
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:48,890
"Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll up your
shirt we're gonna start a fire. "
373
00:40:49,130 --> 00:40:49,910
"Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?. "
374
00:40:50,070 --> 00:40:51,510
"Then shut up and put it on the fire. "
375
00:40:51,510 --> 00:40:52,510
"O. k. put that wood on the side there. "
376
00:40:52,510 --> 00:40:53,510
"O. k. gimme the gasoline Charlie. "
377
00:40:53,510 --> 00:40:55,800
"Hold the match, when I tell you throw the match on
the gasoline all right?"
378
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:56,799
"When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire.
We gonna eat.
379
00:40:58,569 --> 00:41:00,579
"Here we go pour the gasoline on like this. "
380
00:41:00,579 --> 00:41:03,319
"We need the hole 2... get that goddamn lighter fluid
out of here we can't use that shit. "
381
00:41:03,319 --> 00:41:05,519
"Using all the 2 gallons gasoline on this wood. "
382
00:41:05,519 --> 00:41:07,379
"And make a fire, we're gonna eat a hamburger o. k. ?"
383
00:41:07,379 --> 00:41:08,748
"Here we go, Charlie throw the match. "
384
00:41:10,138 --> 00:41:11,508
"NOW THAT"S A FIRE!"
385
00:41:11,508 --> 00:41:14,298
"That's a fire, look at that, look at that. "
386
00:41:14,468 --> 00:41:17,498
"He be alright, roll Charlie 'round, roll him around. "
387
00:41:19,768 --> 00:41:24,887
And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny.
My aunt Bunny got a moustache and shit!
388
00:41:25,807 --> 00:41:29,377
You know one of them lady moustaches?
It was really cool, back when she was 20.
389
00:41:29,587 --> 00:41:31,837
Ladies had them little thin ones and shit.
390
00:41:32,057 --> 00:41:36,086
Then when they get about 45 like aunt
Bunny they be havin' a Billy Dee Williams' look.
391
00:41:37,366 --> 00:41:39,526
The shit is bigger than a man's and shit!
392
00:41:39,766 --> 00:41:42,216
Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds.
393
00:41:42,316 --> 00:41:46,045
Like 250, real heavy lady and shit.
And the kids were scared of her.
394
00:41:46,265 --> 00:41:49,415
You got that kid logic going.
I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house.
395
00:41:49,415 --> 00:41:50,415
It was like.
396
00:41:50,415 --> 00:41:54,095
I was petrified coz she always
wanted to kiss me and touch me and some shit.
397
00:41:54,165 --> 00:41:58,004
Soon as she walked on the door was like:
"Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby. "
398
00:41:58,764 --> 00:41:59,884
Then you go: "Waaaaa!"
399
00:42:05,564 --> 00:42:07,284
And my mom would say:
"Why don't you go and kiss your aunt Bunny? "
400
00:42:07,484 --> 00:42:10,163
Kids don't give a fuck, they go:
"She's got a moustache! "
401
00:42:21,842 --> 00:42:24,442
Why do kids move so slow
when they be crying?
402
00:42:26,322 --> 00:42:27,722
"Stop making all that noise! "
403
00:42:30,602 --> 00:42:31,842
" I said shut up! "
404
00:42:38,471 --> 00:42:41,641
You be mad coz your mother hit you. You be
standing there wishing hateful shit on your mother.
405
00:42:43,841 --> 00:42:46,120
"God please kill her! "
406
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:52,960
"I hope she gets hit by a truck and die! "
407
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:56,239
"I hate her! I hate her!
I hate her! I hate her! "
408
00:42:56,239 --> 00:42:58,119
Shut up or I'll come and give you
something to cry about.
409
00:43:02,999 --> 00:43:08,798
Than my pop starts talking.
And my pop is fucked up every 4th of July! "
410
00:43:10,838 --> 00:43:13,238
Black men like to claim the house
when they're drunk.
411
00:43:13,538 --> 00:43:16,318
Men period I think, like to claim their house.
412
00:43:16,388 --> 00:43:20,117
They want you to know that if you drunk and they're
drunk. And you in their house, that it's their house.
413
00:43:20,717 --> 00:43:24,157
My father standing in the middle of
the cook-out saying: "It's my house! "
414
00:43:26,117 --> 00:43:30,477
"You know that it is? And if you
don't like it, you get the fuck out! "
415
00:43:32,436 --> 00:43:34,196
"I don't give a fuck! "
416
00:43:34,836 --> 00:43:38,716
"I don't give a... I pay the motherfucker
bills in this motherfucker! "
417
00:43:39,236 --> 00:43:43,276
"And, hey... Kiss my ass if you don't like it! "
418
00:43:46,235 --> 00:43:48,755
"Yes! Yes, motherfucker, yes! "
'cos you know what it is?
419
00:43:50,715 --> 00:43:55,755
I'm drunk. So what? Beautiful! I'm drunk.
I'm drunk! So what? I'm drunk.
420
00:43:55,955 --> 00:43:57,754
"You know what?
I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen,
421
00:43:58,434 --> 00:44:01,514
I was drinking out of my glass
in my motherfucker house. "
422
00:44:02,834 --> 00:44:03,954
"So, fuck it! "
423
00:44:04,834 --> 00:44:11,953
Then he attacks the whole family, like:
"Gus! Gus, can I ask you a question?"
424
00:44:12,753 --> 00:44:14,473
"Why is the fire so big? "
425
00:44:15,313 --> 00:44:19,793
"Why you made the fire so big? Look at this shit!
Is a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus! "
426
00:44:20,832 --> 00:44:24,152
"The fire is too motherfucker big! Why?
427
00:44:24,352 --> 00:44:26,512
You're coming in every motherfuckin' year, Gus... "
428
00:44:26,832 --> 00:44:31,032
"... and you burn out
my motherfucker backyard! Why? "
429
00:44:31,472 --> 00:44:33,871
"I'm cooking motherfucker
hamburgers this big? "
430
00:44:33,991 --> 00:44:37,751
"I'm not cookin' no motherfucking
brontosaurus burgers in this motherfucker! "
431
00:44:41,111 --> 00:44:45,750
"This ain't the motherfucking Flintstones, Gus!
It's my house, motherfucker! "
432
00:44:46,150 --> 00:44:49,440
"Look at Charlie standing over there with
3rd degree burns on em. "
433
00:44:52,340 --> 00:44:54,620
"It doesn't make sense no.
But you take things too far Gus. "
434
00:44:55,830 --> 00:44:58,949
"I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches.
Tell you go 4 inches you go 5. "
435
00:44:58,949 --> 00:45:00,809
"Give a nigga rope gonna be a cowboy Gus. "
436
00:45:00,819 --> 00:45:04,319
"Why don't you listen. Eddie, get that
motherfucking dog away from my plate. "
437
00:45:04,319 --> 00:45:06,109
"I'm gonna shoot this dog. "
438
00:45:06,189 --> 00:45:08,698
"I'm gonna shoot this mother... shut up.
I'm gonna shoot it. Stop crying. "
439
00:45:08,718 --> 00:45:11,038
"Stop crying Eddie, cuz you can get the fuck out. "
440
00:45:11,628 --> 00:45:14,148
"You're gettin' the fuck...
I know you're seven! "
441
00:45:14,908 --> 00:45:19,068
"But you'll be a seven year old
walkin' the dog no house motherfucker! "
442
00:45:25,117 --> 00:45:26,927
"I hate this motherfucking dog. "
443
00:45:28,257 --> 00:45:29,987
"You don't spend time with the dog Eddie. "
444
00:45:29,987 --> 00:45:30,987
"You don't feed the motherfucker. "
445
00:45:31,717 --> 00:45:35,486
"You don't pet it. You don't even know
what the fuck the dogs name is anymore do you"
446
00:45:35,486 --> 00:45:39,436
"The dog don't give a fuck he don't know his name.
The dog is 3 yrs old dont know his name. "
447
00:45:39,466 --> 00:45:41,626
"Watch this: Coco! Where the fuck is it goin'?
448
00:45:42,546 --> 00:45:45,465
The dog's stupid! 'cos you
don't spend time with the motherfucker. "
449
00:45:45,625 --> 00:45:49,065
I'm supposed to work hard all day
and come home to feed the motherfucking dog?
450
00:45:49,265 --> 00:45:51,065
Fuck no, I'm not feeding the motherfucker! "
451
00:45:51,065 --> 00:45:52,945
"You know Eddie, when nobody's home. "
452
00:45:53,065 --> 00:45:54,665
"When nobody's home you know what I do?"
453
00:45:54,705 --> 00:45:57,504
"I walk to the dog and I kick the motherfucker! "
454
00:45:58,384 --> 00:46:03,824
"I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie!
And then I giggle my motherfucking ass off. "
455
00:46:04,184 --> 00:46:09,103
"'cos I hate the motherfucker!
'cos you don't clean up behind it!
456
00:46:09,303 --> 00:46:11,783
"This ain't Scooby-Doo motherfucker! "
457
00:46:12,343 --> 00:46:14,123
"Why can't you clean the dog. "
458
00:46:14,133 --> 00:46:17,933
"The dog shits all over the house.
If noone tells you Eddie you dont clean the shit. "
459
00:46:18,053 --> 00:46:19,063
"You let the shit stay forever. "
460
00:46:19,553 --> 00:46:22,252
"Shit been in the den for 6 months Eddie. "
461
00:46:22,732 --> 00:46:26,492
It's been in the den for 6 months, you kids
go pass it you act like you don't see it.
462
00:46:26,492 --> 00:46:28,332
"And unless you're told you won't clean the shit. "
463
00:46:28,862 --> 00:46:32,261
"The shit is hard as a rock now!
It's like motherfuckin furniture in there! "
464
00:46:33,741 --> 00:46:37,991
"I went in there last week to watch the fight,
and said fuck it I put my drink on top of it Eddie"
465
00:46:38,461 --> 00:46:42,061
"It's a coffee table now!
Why can't you clean up shit? "
466
00:46:42,061 --> 00:46:45,910
"My friends come over and they oh that's
lovely. It's not lovely it's a piece of shit. "
467
00:46:47,700 --> 00:46:50,020
"'Cos my children don't listen! "
468
00:46:50,100 --> 00:46:53,780
Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps.
Almost every year.
469
00:46:54,580 --> 00:46:59,139
Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps?
Make a whole lotta fucking noise!
470
00:46:59,739 --> 00:47:03,099
It's scary, too, 'cos they'll be
calling Jesus on the way down!
471
00:47:04,179 --> 00:47:07,243
And aunts don't like to fall straight
down the steps like a kid,
472
00:47:07,298 --> 00:47:10,285
They be trying to break the fall
and hold it and stop the shit.
473
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:12,578
And that's what makes
the fall take a half hour then.
474
00:47:13,538 --> 00:47:14,698
Real loud, like:
475
00:47:18,938 --> 00:47:22,257
"Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord,
please, Jesus, please! "
476
00:47:26,057 --> 00:47:30,977
"Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I'm falling
down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please! "
477
00:47:36,936 --> 00:47:38,256
"My shoe! "
478
00:47:40,976 --> 00:47:43,815
"Oh lord Jesus God help us! "
479
00:47:45,295 --> 00:47:48,615
"I'm half way down now help my lord Jesus! "
480
00:47:49,855 --> 00:47:53,135
"Lilian! "
"What is all that fuckin' noise?! "
481
00:47:57,774 --> 00:48:02,134
"Lilian!
The bitch is falling down the steps again! "
482
00:48:09,853 --> 00:48:13,453
"Lilian! Lilian! "
"What's wrong, Bunny? "
483
00:48:13,493 --> 00:48:15,773
"I fell down the steps! "
484
00:48:16,773 --> 00:48:19,368
"Bunny fell down the steps! Bunny fell down the steps! "
485
00:48:19,549 --> 00:48:21,830
Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny
something cool for her head! "
486
00:48:22,092 --> 00:48:24,972
"What happened? "
"Bunny fell down the steps! "
487
00:48:31,611 --> 00:48:36,171
"Hey, Charlie! Aunt Bunny fell down the steps! "
488
00:48:41,331 --> 00:48:44,050
"Gus! What the fuck is wrong with your wife? "
489
00:48:45,210 --> 00:48:50,010
"Why can't she walk the fryer steps?
You come up every fuckin' year, Gus... "
490
00:48:50,650 --> 00:48:55,170
"... and you burn down my motherfucker backyard
and your wife rips down the steps! "
491
00:48:55,889 --> 00:48:59,129
"Why? I work hard to get my place beautiful... "
492
00:48:59,529 --> 00:49:02,129
"... and then the motherfucker come over
and rips the steps down! "
493
00:49:03,129 --> 00:49:05,889
"Look at the motherfucker steps!
They're fucked up, Gus! "
494
00:49:06,769 --> 00:49:09,288
"Why can't she walk the steps?
You know why she can't walk the steps? "
495
00:49:09,448 --> 00:49:13,088
"'cos she's a fat hairy bitch!
That's why! "
496
00:49:14,048 --> 00:49:18,048
"That's why, Gus!
And my children are afraid of your wife. "
497
00:49:18,568 --> 00:49:21,127
"Eddie's afraid of her!
He has nightmares about your wife! "
498
00:49:21,527 --> 00:49:25,407
I went to his room last week, Gus, he was
in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me! "
499
00:49:25,567 --> 00:49:29,607
"I just walk up to him, shake him, ask: What's wrong?
He said: Aunt Bunny is coming to get me! "
500
00:49:30,687 --> 00:49:34,486
"He's afraid of your wife, 'cos she has
a bigger moustache than his father! "
501
00:49:35,406 --> 00:49:38,286
But you know what it is, Gus! I figured
out about your wife. And I'm gonna say it. .
502
00:49:41,606 --> 00:49:44,925
I figured out about your wife.
I know where you met your wife.
503
00:49:45,165 --> 00:49:48,045
You told me you met your wife 15 years
ago on a motherfucking camping trip...
504
00:49:48,165 --> 00:49:51,965
"... and that your wife was portorican.
Your wife ain't no motherfucker portorican! "
505
00:49:52,325 --> 00:49:56,444
"I thought she wasn't from the first minute 'cos
I walked up to her I said: "Hi, my name is Vernon. "
506
00:49:56,564 --> 00:49:58,964
And she said: "Hello, I'm Bunny. Guni gugu! "
507
00:49:59,884 --> 00:50:02,364
"What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus? "
508
00:50:02,844 --> 00:50:07,204
"I don't know what the fuck that shit is as to this day.
I thought I learned some new spanish shit! "
509
00:50:07,683 --> 00:50:13,003
I went up to my friend: "Hey, Sanchez! Guni gugu!
And Sanchez says: "Get the fuck outta here! "
510
00:50:13,763 --> 00:50:15,748
I've been walking around for years confused.
511
00:50:15,749 --> 00:50:18,333
And I finally figured out about your wife,
where you met your wife.
512
00:50:18,443 --> 00:50:20,802
"You didn't meet your motherfucker wife
on no camping trip! "
513
00:50:22,322 --> 00:50:24,642
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? "
514
00:50:25,922 --> 00:50:30,322
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, that's why
the bitch's mustache is so motherfucker thick! "
515
00:50:30,722 --> 00:50:33,241
"'Cos you shaved the bitch down
and taught it to speak! "
516
00:50:34,361 --> 00:50:37,241
"I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one! "
517
00:50:37,921 --> 00:50:41,441
"You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus?
On my children? "
518
00:50:42,001 --> 00:50:46,880
The bitch can't talk, she can't walk the fryer steps!
She's not trained well, Gus! "
519
00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:52,280
She can not walk steps. I bet she
climb the fuck out a tree though, don't she, Gus? "
520
00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:55,839
"Doesn't she? Doesn't she? "
521
00:50:56,239 --> 00:50:58,159
"But you had to bring her out here! "
522
00:50:58,399 --> 00:51:03,079
Fuck her! And your motherfucker children?
They're Bigfeet too! They're half Bigfoot, Gus.
523
00:51:03,079 --> 00:51:07,768
"Cos the m. f. is 6 yrs old and have afros 17 inches long. "
524
00:51:08,128 --> 00:51:11,358
"They're little hairy m. f. just like their mother. "
525
00:51:11,359 --> 00:51:13,952
Look at the motherfuckers, you know
how I found out they was bigfoot?
526
00:51:15,107 --> 00:51:16,791
When I took your kids fishing last week.
527
00:51:16,792 --> 00:51:18,793
I put the motherfuckers in the boat Gus.
528
00:51:18,794 --> 00:51:20,789
And I took the worm and I put it on the hooks.
529
00:51:20,790 --> 00:51:24,638
And they both sat there,
and put the poles down in the boat.
530
00:51:24,639 --> 00:51:27,789
And slammed their face in the water, for 2 mins.
531
00:51:28,190 --> 00:51:30,821
And I think what the fuck are these kids doin.
532
00:51:31,227 --> 00:51:32,710
Then they start movin their heads like this
533
00:51:32,818 --> 00:51:35,087
and the motherfuckers come up with fish.
534
00:51:38,368 --> 00:51:42,086
I jumped back and said can you believe this
motherfuckin shit.
535
00:51:42,196 --> 00:51:46,595
Then kid took the fish out of his mouth,
looked at his brother and said: "Guni gugu! "
536
00:51:47,875 --> 00:51:50,875
"I said, what the fuck is going on here? "
537
00:51:52,835 --> 00:51:56,714
"Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus!
But I'll tell you somethin' motherfucker! "
538
00:51:56,874 --> 00:52:01,634
You can take your motherfucker hairy fat ass
white mustache bitch out the fuck.
539
00:52:01,914 --> 00:52:05,394
"you can go upstairs and get the
motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit... "
540
00:52:05,514 --> 00:52:10,753
"and take Eddie and get these motherfucker
long Angela Davis afro-ware motherfucker kids of yours...
541
00:52:10,993 --> 00:52:13,993
"... and put them in the motherfucker
guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out! "
542
00:52:14,113 --> 00:52:16,593
"And if my wife don't like it
she can get the fuck out too! "
543
00:52:17,353 --> 00:52:18,913
"You missed me, bitch! "
544
00:52:27,992 --> 00:52:29,232
Thank you!
545
00:52:34,391 --> 00:52:36,391
Oh, Jesus.
546
00:52:48,990 --> 00:52:52,310
Oh, shit... I'm in Washington D. C. !
547
00:52:57,829 --> 00:53:00,389
Jesus! Christ!
548
00:53:00,590 --> 00:53:03,990
This is where Reagan lives. Not far from here.
549
00:53:06,875 --> 00:53:09,266
Hey Ron everyone's booing and I ain't said shit.
550
00:53:17,268 --> 00:53:19,707
Well, tell us something
we don't know, motherfucker!
551
00:53:21,105 --> 00:53:25,075
It ain't like people sit around going "Really does it suck?"
552
00:53:27,750 --> 00:53:30,311
Shit's changing though, we got black politicians now.
553
00:53:30,547 --> 00:53:32,706
Who's that boy... Harold Washington?
554
00:53:33,466 --> 00:53:37,306
Harold Washington said: "Fuck it! "
And won.
555
00:53:39,066 --> 00:53:42,266
I know he's still sitting around going:
"I really won the motherfucker?"
556
00:53:44,592 --> 00:53:47,681
And Jesse Jackson seen that shit and said:
"Fuck it, imma run too, fuck it"
557
00:53:48,740 --> 00:53:50,681
"Jesse you can win" i see these brothers going.
558
00:53:50,682 --> 00:53:54,470
"You can win Jesse, coz you're bigger than
motherfucking Harold Washington. "
559
00:53:54,471 --> 00:53:56,136
"Fuck Harold Washington. "
560
00:53:56,319 --> 00:53:58,055
"Fuck him man, run for president. "
561
00:53:58,104 --> 00:54:00,863
And Jesse going: "Yeah, fuck that shit. "
562
00:54:02,944 --> 00:54:06,384
I've seen Jesse in the gym, working
the fuck out, too, for getting into shape.
563
00:54:07,823 --> 00:54:10,570
You know he got a chance he can win.
White dudes like to do shit like that...
564
00:54:10,571 --> 00:54:13,191
... vote for the wrong dude as a goof.
565
00:54:13,823 --> 00:54:17,543
They get drunk and shit and go like:
"Let's vote for Jesse Jackson! "
566
00:54:21,742 --> 00:54:23,782
"I just voted for Jesse Jackson! "
567
00:54:24,182 --> 00:54:26,982
And next day would be
like this: "He fuckin' won?"
568
00:54:29,862 --> 00:54:33,461
Jesse knows that shit can happen. He gets in shape.
I've seen him running round the track and shit.
569
00:54:33,821 --> 00:54:37,181
I said: "Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?"
He says: ""cos I'm gonna be the first black president. "
570
00:54:37,461 --> 00:54:40,181
"I have to give speeches like this: My fellow americans!
As your president I feel
571
00:54:50,740 --> 00:54:51,860
And dude be going:
572
00:54:53,420 --> 00:54:55,499
"He won't stand still! "
573
00:55:09,763 --> 00:55:12,148
I ain't hooked up into all that racism shit.
574
00:55:12,228 --> 00:55:15,341
My motto is, life just be happy with the motherfuckers.
575
00:55:15,358 --> 00:55:16,694
I ain't into all that racism shit.
576
00:55:16,808 --> 00:55:20,576
Racism ain't as bad as it used to be anyway man. .
I mean its fucked up but,
577
00:55:20,577 --> 00:55:23,105
They don't call niggers, niggers no more and shit.
578
00:55:23,106 --> 00:55:24,097
White people don't say it.
579
00:55:24,107 --> 00:55:27,483
Especially when there's niggas around.
So I guess I wouldn't know it.
580
00:55:29,697 --> 00:55:32,896
I went to Texas to look into racism,
about two months ago.
581
00:55:33,216 --> 00:55:37,536
I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane
and shit, walked up looking for racism.
582
00:55:37,696 --> 00:55:42,136
My friends always told me: "You better
not go to Texas! They'll fuck you up! "
583
00:55:43,055 --> 00:55:46,935
And when a modern day brother here that shit
"What! They ain't fucking nobody up!"
584
00:55:47,135 --> 00:55:50,294
Brothers act like they couldn't have
been slaves back 200 years ago.
585
00:55:50,295 --> 00:55:52,920
Its like motherfuckers liked that shit.
586
00:55:53,415 --> 00:55:56,070
"I wish I was a slave; I would fuck somebody up!"
587
00:55:57,605 --> 00:56:00,152
"Shit. . tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton. "
588
00:56:00,153 --> 00:56:01,612
"I would have been on the street and shit. .
589
00:56:01,613 --> 00:56:04,509
"He would came up and say ey
yo nigga bale this cotton?"
590
00:56:04,566 --> 00:56:07,005
"I'd say suck my dick master. "
591
00:56:07,905 --> 00:56:10,274
"Suck my motherfucking dick. "
592
00:56:10,275 --> 00:56:11,275
"That's right I ain't baling a motherfucker. "
593
00:56:16,013 --> 00:56:18,213
The first dude that got off the boat said that shit.
594
00:56:18,514 --> 00:56:19,795
"Bale that cotton. "
595
00:56:19,971 --> 00:56:22,052
"Fuck you, motherfucker! "
596
00:56:23,358 --> 00:56:26,304
Other motherfuckers say: "We bale the shit,
just keep that shit away. "
597
00:56:26,697 --> 00:56:28,539
"Just keep that fuckin' shit away from me. "
598
00:56:29,892 --> 00:56:32,099
I got of the motherfucking plane, walked up,
599
00:56:32,478 --> 00:56:33,855
Got up, walked up, my bag.
600
00:56:33,955 --> 00:56:38,383
All my black shit on, black leather,
big ass medallion and shit on like this.
601
00:56:38,650 --> 00:56:40,060
Little white dude walk up and say: "This your bag?"
602
00:56:40,095 --> 00:56:41,986
I said: "Yes, my fuckin' bag! "
603
00:56:43,250 --> 00:56:47,490
"Why, motherfucker?
A black man can't have a suitcase? "
604
00:56:52,890 --> 00:56:55,769
And the dude is like:
"What the fuck's wrong with this guy? "
605
00:56:58,729 --> 00:57:00,889
Wasn't that bad at all.
606
00:57:01,569 --> 00:57:04,649
I'm winded.
I'm out of breath.
607
00:57:04,969 --> 00:57:06,489
Sweating and shit.
608
00:57:06,689 --> 00:57:09,288
"Do take it off!"
"Shut up, bitch!!"
609
00:57:43,630 --> 00:57:46,261
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too.
610
00:58:00,094 --> 00:58:01,495
Shit ain't as bad as it used to be.
611
00:58:01,764 --> 00:58:03,894
You know who get it real bad now?
Chinese people.
612
00:58:03,904 --> 00:58:05,876
They are the ones who be getting fucked over bad.
613
00:58:05,877 --> 00:58:06,876
You be teasin' them and shit.
614
00:58:06,993 --> 00:58:09,126
Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food.
615
00:58:09,142 --> 00:58:11,536
Chinese dude would be in there.
and when he leave you do like this:
616
00:58:14,203 --> 00:58:17,158
Everybody makes fun of chinese when
they order some food up and shit.
617
00:58:17,190 --> 00:58:19,118
And they're nice guys, be all courteous and shit.
618
00:58:26,425 --> 00:58:27,868
Your friends and shit be laughing.
619
00:58:27,869 --> 00:58:30,943
And he look out the back and say:
"The food is coming right up. "
620
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:43,000
He be in the back watching us:
"Very funny. Very funny. "
621
00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:49,160
"Make a special Won-Ton soup for him... "
622
00:58:56,319 --> 00:58:58,999
I wonder if they have,
like a McDonald's in China?
623
00:58:59,479 --> 00:59:05,159
Chinese people would be walking and say:
"Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake,
a large order fry and a cherry pie. "
624
00:59:05,799 --> 00:59:09,398
And dude say: "Big Mac, strawberry shake, large
order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up. "
625
00:59:21,157 --> 00:59:24,157
That's a fucked up language too, chinese.
Hard to learn.
626
00:59:24,637 --> 00:59:27,277
I wanna learn to speak spanish.
That's the shit.
627
00:59:27,557 --> 00:59:32,316
You know what I'd really want to speak?
I'd like to learn how to speak french,
'cos that's some cool shit, french.
628
00:59:34,076 --> 00:59:36,396
You can say "I gotta shit" in french
and it would sound good:
629
00:59:42,715 --> 00:59:44,275
Just sounds good.
630
00:59:45,115 --> 00:59:49,995
I don't like that shit that arabic. That the motherfuckers
be speaking in the 7-11. That shit's fucked for me.
631
00:59:55,114 --> 00:59:56,954
It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting like:
632
01:00:02,674 --> 01:00:05,314
That's a word in arabic:
That means some shit to them!
633
01:00:10,513 --> 01:00:12,233
"Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?"
634
01:00:14,353 --> 01:00:15,593
"Never mind, man. "
635
01:00:16,433 --> 01:00:19,352
"I don't want no hakana
on my bread, motherfucker! "
636
01:00:21,272 --> 01:00:22,122
Spanish language.
637
01:00:22,272 --> 01:00:25,752
You know why I want to learn how to speak
spanish? Coz I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff.
638
01:00:26,112 --> 01:00:29,072
When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying:
639
01:00:30,187 --> 01:00:32,336
I'd say: "Go on Ricky curse the bitch out. "
640
01:00:33,591 --> 01:00:36,209
Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and shit.
641
01:00:36,473 --> 01:00:40,093
For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky
Ricardo was a cool motherfucker.
642
01:00:40,094 --> 01:00:43,460
He had his baggies on, pointed shoes, in the club
Babaloo and shit.
643
01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:07,324
Remember that shit?
644
01:01:07,467 --> 01:01:08,865
You be sittin' there like this:
645
01:01:11,188 --> 01:01:13,308
He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like:
646
01:01:21,427 --> 01:01:23,667
"It's justa ridiculous! "
647
01:01:24,507 --> 01:01:28,827
"Hey, Fred! How would you like
to fuck me up the ass? "
648
01:01:38,586 --> 01:01:40,906
TV is all screwed...
Any kids here?
649
01:01:41,506 --> 01:01:44,665
I mean, little kids.
I don't like you bringing those kids down here.
650
01:01:45,105 --> 01:01:47,985
How old are you, man?
How old?
651
01:01:48,625 --> 01:01:51,425
13? Oh, you're gonna be fucked up
when you leave.
652
01:01:52,505 --> 01:01:54,624
"Dad! What's a dick, what is that? "
653
01:01:55,304 --> 01:01:57,024
How old is the other girl, over there?
654
01:01:57,504 --> 01:01:59,504
Oh, y'all fucked up now!
655
01:01:59,988 --> 01:02:01,234
Y'all thought I would be going like this:
656
01:02:03,644 --> 01:02:06,304
You didn't know I'd be saying: "A dick this big! "
657
01:02:09,383 --> 01:02:13,423
The kid's gonna be waking up and:
"A negro's dick's coming to get me mom! "
658
01:02:14,463 --> 01:02:18,542
I'mma tell you all a joke you can tell in school,
all right, 'cos I've been telling this dirty stuff.
659
01:02:19,462 --> 01:02:22,222
Here's a little joke...
Y'all can listen to it too.
660
01:02:23,022 --> 01:02:28,502
I know lots of times people seen my show then go to
work and try to tell and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit.
661
01:02:30,182 --> 01:02:32,461
"... and then he said guni gugu! "
662
01:02:34,341 --> 01:02:36,461
"And he had a G. I. Joe up his ass!"
663
01:02:37,261 --> 01:02:41,301
"Hey, I'm Mr. T, I'll rip
your cock off with my ass! "
664
01:02:43,740 --> 01:02:46,780
And dude be standing all:
"Yeah, very funny shit, right... "
665
01:02:47,500 --> 01:02:51,820
Here's a joke you can tell at school,
when school starts.
666
01:02:52,140 --> 01:02:54,220
Everybody be quiet now.
Are you listening guys?
667
01:02:55,059 --> 01:02:59,299
A bear and a rabbit
are takin' a shit in the woods.
668
01:03:00,259 --> 01:03:05,299
And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Excuse me,
you have problems with shit sticking to your fur? "
669
01:03:06,259 --> 01:03:07,658
And the rabbit says: "No. "
670
01:03:08,018 --> 01:03:10,938
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
671
01:03:26,097 --> 01:03:27,897
I like that joke.
672
01:03:38,136 --> 01:03:41,496
Oh, shit!
Anybody got cable?
673
01:03:44,095 --> 01:03:50,295
I've been watching a lot of cable lately 'cos I'm
so mad with it. Only good TV show now is Star Trek.
674
01:03:51,295 --> 01:03:53,295
That's some good shit!
675
01:03:54,494 --> 01:03:58,454
I like Captain Kirk, 'cos Captain Kirk
will fuck anybody!
676
01:03:58,894 --> 01:04:03,214
I've seen him beamed down on a planet-
ever seen that when he's fucked this dream bitch?
677
01:04:03,814 --> 01:04:07,213
You gotta be a horny motherfucker
to fuck a dream bitch!
678
01:04:08,093 --> 01:04:12,253
I mean, I'm no racist, but if the bitch is green
there's something wrong with the pussy!
679
01:04:13,333 --> 01:04:15,213
He'll be fucking a mutant and:
680
01:04:22,972 --> 01:04:27,172
Ship be gettin' all fucked up. Mr Scott, I like him
he made me laugh, he's never cool and shit.
681
01:04:27,412 --> 01:04:30,331
He's the opposite of Spock.
The ship be all fucked up and Mr. Scott say:
682
01:04:30,571 --> 01:04:35,291
"Captain, my ship can't take much more
of this sir. She's about to blow! "
683
01:04:36,811 --> 01:04:38,611
"Let Spock handle it. "
684
01:04:39,371 --> 01:04:44,450
And Spock say: "Mr Scott, why don't you take
the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals
685
01:04:44,570 --> 01:04:46,970
and point them phasers at them
and then use the power from the phasers
686
01:04:47,210 --> 01:04:50,330
to regenerate the dylithium crystals
and we can get out on the impulse power. "
687
01:04:50,570 --> 01:04:54,050
"Mr Spock! It just might wax it! "
688
01:04:54,289 --> 01:04:56,969
"The shit worked last week, motherfucker! "
689
01:04:59,049 --> 01:05:01,869
I got fed up with TV and shit,
coz I seen all the Star Treks.
690
01:05:01,879 --> 01:05:03,067
I start watching cable.
691
01:05:03,809 --> 01:05:06,609
I was watching Poltergeist last month.
692
01:05:06,644 --> 01:05:07,965
I got a question.
693
01:05:08,528 --> 01:05:12,448
Why don't white people just leave the house
when there's a ghost in the house?
694
01:05:17,128 --> 01:05:20,207
Y'all stay in the house too fuckin' long.
Get the fuck out of the house!
695
01:05:20,607 --> 01:05:23,927
Very simple: If there's a ghost
in the house, get the fuck out!
696
01:05:25,487 --> 01:05:30,206
And not only did they stay in the house
with the poltergeist, they invite more people over!
697
01:05:30,846 --> 01:05:33,886
Sitting around going: "Our daughter Carroll-Ann's
in the television set. "
698
01:05:33,887 --> 01:05:36,173
I would have been gone.
699
01:05:36,174 --> 01:05:37,174
If I had a daughter, went down to the precinct and say
700
01:05:37,175 --> 01:05:42,474
"Look man, I went home my fucking daughter's in the
t. v. set and I just fucking left. "
701
01:05:42,941 --> 01:05:45,685
You can have all this, I ain't going back
to the motherfucker.
702
01:05:45,686 --> 01:05:49,807
I just came down so when she ain't at the school
you don't think I killed the bitch or anything like that.
703
01:05:49,808 --> 01:05:53,209
But she is inside the tv set you can have
all that shit. Thank you.
704
01:05:53,210 --> 01:05:55,035
"Mr. Murphy didn't you try to save your daughter?"
705
01:05:55,036 --> 01:05:56,838
Yeah, I'm a man, see I tried to save her
706
01:05:56,894 --> 01:06:00,959
I turned the channels the shit didn't work.
I got the fuck out.
707
01:06:02,811 --> 01:06:06,470
The kid was only 6 years old in the movie,
they couldn't have been to attached to her.
708
01:06:08,513 --> 01:06:11,840
In the amityville horror the ghost
told them to get out of the house.
709
01:06:11,841 --> 01:06:15,848
White people stayed in there. Now that's a hint
and a half for your ass.
710
01:06:16,283 --> 01:06:19,802
A ghost say get the fuck out, I
would just tip the fuck out the door!
711
01:06:19,803 --> 01:06:23,370
Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl, the're was
blood in the toilet.
712
01:06:23,371 --> 01:06:25,433
And said, "That's peculiar. "
713
01:06:26,808 --> 01:06:30,023
I would 've been in the house saying:
"Oh baby this is beautiful. "
714
01:06:30,024 --> 01:06:33,993
"We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids
outside playing. Its a beautiful neighbourhood. "
715
01:06:33,994 --> 01:06:36,348
"We ain't got nuttin to worry,
I really love it this is really nice. "
716
01:06:36,561 --> 01:06:40,241
"GET OUT! "
"Too bad we can't stay, baby! "
717
01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:49,440
You know, I wanna say something.
718
01:06:50,520 --> 01:06:56,639
I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman
that wanted to sing, a black lady wanted to sing opera...
719
01:06:57,319 --> 01:06:58,839
What was her name?
720
01:06:59,119 --> 01:07:03,879
Mary Anderson? And this place was like
segregated and she couldn't sing here.
721
01:07:06,358 --> 01:07:10,358
And she couldn't sing in the place.
And here we are, like not even 50 years later,
722
01:07:10,478 --> 01:07:15,598
A 22 year old black male
on stage getting paid to hold his dick.
723
01:07:17,598 --> 01:07:23,117
God bless America! I gotta go now.
Y'all take it easy, bye bye!
71112
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.