All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.1E01.DVDRip.X264-iNGOT

Sorry. Sorry!

- Sorry. Sorry.
- That's OK.

I know it seems crowded,

but it only took me 40 minutes
to get my last drink.

Is that all?

Hey, let me get yours.

It'll make me feel better
about being in line for just a Coke.

You don't drink?

No, I quit a few years ago,

after I shit my pants
at my sister's wedding.

OK, thank you.

- No, I'll get it.
- No, it's fine.

Hey, don't make me fight a stranger.

OK. I'll have a margarita.

I've never had casual sex
with a sober person before.

- You've got a really nice room.
- Thank you. I got upgraded.

Yeah? Oh, shit.

Oh, God!

That was really unnecessary.

- You don't have a hairy back.
- Neither do you.

I was all psyched up
to deal with a hairy back.

- Uh, I have hairy balls.
- Whoa!

- Oh, what the fuck?
- Oh!

- Oh, shit.
- Jesus, I'm sorry.

Uh...

That was exciting.

- Hi.
- Hey!

- I was just sneaking out.
- OK.

So, um... when do you...
when do you go back?

- Thursday.
- Well, that's...

Do you wanna have dinner?

Erm...

- Do you wanna have dinner?
- Yeah. That's why I asked.

OK. Um, do you have
a wife or anything?

- No.
- No?

OK, well, I'll just...
I'll write down my number.

Um, you know what,
that's my work visa, so if you...

- Doesn't matter.
- OK.

Great!

And I noticed that you took
some things from the bathroom,

and that's fine,
but could you leave the toothpaste?

No, I didn't take any tooth...

Oh, shit, I did, yeah. Sorry!

It's just small and cute.

Erm, so, you should
probably open a window,

'cause it really stinks in here, OK?

Keep the change.

- That dinner was really nice.
- The lamb was exceptional.

Ripped By mstoll

- So, what time is your flight?
- 7:30.

- 7:30.
- Yeah.

So, listen, I wanted to say

that I know this wasn't anything
serious and it was just some fun...

- This wasn't serious?
- No, when I say it wasn't serious...

- Goofing you, bro!
- Yeah...

Go on. No, carry on. You were saying
this was just a bit of fun?

I want you to know that I'm gonna
look back on my time with you

and remember you as an
extraordinarily good-smelling woman

with a magical ass.

And you're smart!

So you could even get away
with being less attractive,

and you'd still be...
fairly attractive.

Fuck!

Wow. OK. Erm...

I'll remember you

as a sturdy love-maker
with a massive chin,

who was really kind
to waiters and taxi drivers,

which suggests you might
actually be a good person.

What time is it?
It's 4:30.

Really, seriously,
you're gonna have to go faster.

So, I thought it was fine if I
asked you out, because you're a temp.

If you worked with us permanently,
this wouldn't be appropriate.

But you're a temp,
so we just won't hire you again.

OK. You're funny.

So, tell me something about you.

Well, I'm doing my Masters
at Boston University and...

I'm sorry. This is my mom.

And she's calling me back

'cause I called her
'cause it's her birthday.

Hey, so great to hear from you!

I'm sorry that I haven't called.

But I have some good news.
I'm gonna be in London in April.

But I'm pregnant.

- Did you just say 'pregnant'?
- Yeah, I said 'pregnant'.

Do you want me to say it again?
Pregnant.

How? I don't understand.
I mean, how?

Well, I think it's because
we had sex about 25 times in a week,

and you wore a condom maybe twice...
twice of those times.

- Why did you let me do that?!
- I don't know! Because...

...I was drunk the first...

...and even though I wasn't drunk
most of the other times,

there was a precedent there
that you took complete advantage of!

What do you wanna do?

I wanna build a time machine
out of your fucking carcass,

and go back and make it un-happen!

- Do you want me to come over sooner?
- No!

Yeah. I don't know. I just...

I don't know what you do
when you get pregnant by a stranger.

- I don't know the etiquette.
- I'm not a stranger!

I'm a familiar... acquaintance.

A friend,
who helped you make a mistake,

but will now help you...

...figure it out. OK?

Is your mom OK?

Huh?

Oh.

No. She's pregnant.

So, why don't you tell me
a little bit about you now?

Hm...

Oh, shit.

Hi.

I wasn't sure you'd recognise me.

And it only says 'Rob' because...
I don't know your surname.

- It's Norris.
- It's... it's Norris?

Mine's Morris.

Morris and Norris.

Well, at least
that's fucking ridiculous.

You just don't think
stuff like this will happen.

What, that repeated
sexual intercourse

between two healthy adults

will do the exact thing
it's supposed to do?

Have you ever done a science class?

Do you know how to read?

I'm sorry.

I'm not pregnant, and you are,

and it's because of me,

but if you're gonna
have this baby, then...

Who says I'm gonna have it?

Well, how old are you?

Look, the good news is that
we're reasonably good people,

so we could probably do this and
not fuck the kid up too horribly.

I'm just saying
a terrible thing has happened.

Let's make the best of it.

So, where are you staying?

I'm joking.
You can stay in my spare room.

I'm joking, I'm a teacher!
I don't have a spare room.

- Do you want some?
- Sure.

Hello. Do you know if Miss Morris
is finished with her classes?

- Is she under arrest?
- No, I'm just waiting...

- Are you American?
- Yes, I am.

- Do you know Barack Obama?
- No, I don't.

Do you know his daughters?

I know Sasha,
but I don't know Malia.

How do you know them
if you don't know Barack Obama?

- I don't know them.
- Are you a basketball player?

No.

- Why are you waving at Miss Morris?
- Uh, because she's my girlfriend.

Is her hair a wig?

I don't... I don't think so.

- Do you know she's pregnant?
- What?!

What did you just say?

- She's pregnant?
- Oh, yeah, I knew that.

- Are you a basketball player?
- Mm-hm.

Excuse me.

- Just... do that in the car.
- OK.

So, got yourself some fans here.

We're not his fans.

I thought he was someone special.

I am special!

So, is this just a regular scan?

Yeah. Well, I can find out
the sex this time, if I want.

Well, you know, do we want to?

I mean, wouldn't it be nice
to have a surprise?

Well, um, Rob...

It is Rob, isn't it? 'Cause I only
met you about 20 minutes ago.

And now I'm pregnant with your baby,

so for the moment, I would like
a whisper of certainty in my life.

Not... not even in my life -
in my body.

Right, now,
in reviewing your Pap smear,

we found an abnormality.

It's nothing to worry
too much about yet,

but you've got what's called
cervical dysplasia.

What the hell is that?

Strictly speaking,
it's what we call a 'pre-cancer.'

- Cancer?!
- Pre-cancer.

Frankly, I hate that it has
the word 'cancer' attached to it,

because it isn't cancer,

but it's sort of
next door to cancer.

- What is she saying?
- That you do not have cancer.

Yeah, but she's said 'cancer',
like, eight times.

Yeah, Doctor, you have said 'cancer'
rather a lot.

Like, more than you would hear
in a casual conversation

that isn't about cancer.

Yes, and I'm sorry.

But while, again,
you do not have cancer,

you do have a situation
that we need to monitor closely

so that it doesn't become cancer.

That's two more times she's said it.
That's two more 'cancers'.

All it means is you'll come here

a little more frequently
than you would've otherwise,

so that we can take
a look-see at your cervix

and make sure it remains in the
cancer-free state it's currently in.

Do you have pamphlets?

Yes, we have pamphlets.

I'm gonna get us some pamphlets.

Right, well, let's shift gears
a little bit, shall we?

- And take a look at the baby.
- OK.

Er, no, we go in
through the tummy for this one.

OK.

Here we are. That's the heartbeat.

Beautiful. Nice and strong.

Here's the spine. Exquisite.

Oh, there's something!
Do you recognise that, Mummy?

- Is that the cancer?
- Very funny, no.

- That's a little penis!
- Oh, God.

Congratulations,
you're gonna have a baby boy!

She said it's statistically unlikely
to become full cancer.

So, just... just half-cancer, then?

Just a gentle little half-cancer,
like you get?

Do you think it's 'cause I'm old?
It's because I'm old, isn't it?

- No, it isn't, you're not old.
- Oh, God, I wanna smoke a cigarette.

Will you get one and just smoke it
and blow it on me?

Well, just have a cigarette
if you want one.

- Yeah?
- But put your wine down.

May I have a cigarette?

Thank you so much.

I'm just gonna smoke this.
Not even the whole thing.

I'll just have a few puffs,
then I'll never do it again.

That's alright, isn't it? To have
a few puffs and never do it again?

Absolutely.

God, that's delicious.

Oh, for fuck's sake, take that!

Hi!

Fuck!

- Hi! I thought that was you.
- Hey, you.

Well, is it true? You pregnant?

Little bit.

Sorry, this is Rob.
He's my... boyfriend?

Yeah.
And he's the father of the...

This is Fran, she's an old pal.

- Great to meet you, Rob.
- Great to meet you!

Great to see you too, stranger!

So...

- You have to come over for dinner.
- Yeah.

- Chris would love to see you.
- Definitely! We should.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah! That'd be great.

What are you doing
on Saturday night?

Saturday? Erm...

Well, actually,
we've just had some news...

- No, we haven't.
- I was just gonna tell her...

No, we don't, that's not...
Yes, we'd love to.

- Great! Well, we can catch up then.
- Yeah. You're still in?

Still in the same big house, yeah.

Saturday night, 7 o'clock.
Don't be late!

- Alright.
- Rob.

Oh...

She seems nice.

She's a cunt.

Ugh, God, my feet are too swollen
for these boots.

- Did you see the size of them?
- Yeah.

- They look like little hobbit feet.
- Fuck off!

Oh, I meant to ask you -
why did you call her a cunt?

I shouldn't have called her a cunt.

- She's more of a bitch.
- Why is she a bitch?

She's one of these people
where everything has gone her way,

and she thinks she did it,
but it's luck.

I just wish one bad thing
would happen to her.

Like, I don't want her
to get hit by a bus or anything,

but you know, maybe if she got
arrested for tax fraud

or if her dad got caught with
child porn or something, you know?

Just to knock the smug out of her.

- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, totally.

Oh, and don't mention the pre-cancer.

If you need to talk about something,
then talk about the weather,

or the meal or... you know,
other meals you've enjoyed.

- So, meals.
- Yeah.

- So, do I look fat?
- No.

Except for your belly.
And your tits.

- My tits are fat?
- Your tits are fat and beautiful.

- Welcome!
- Hi!

Come in, come in!

- Shoes go here.
- That's a good spot for shoes.

- We keep a shoe-free home.
- Oh. Gotcha.

Do you mind if I keep mine on?
It's just my feet are swollen from...

Well, you can, but you'll be
the only one with shoes on!

So if you're OK with that,
then I am!

OK, just...

- This is a delicious meal.
- Thank you.

Well, it's all Chris's work.
He's the cook here, aren't you?

- Where's Jeffrey tonight?
- He's in bed.

He has to get up at four.
He's filming in the morning.

- Our son's a thespian now.
- Really?

- When did that happen?
- I thought you knew.

- No, I didn't know.
- That's funny. I thought you knew.

Anyway...

...er, this is his third film.

He filmed a scene
with Patrick Stewart last week.

- Such a lovely man. Total flirt.
- Well, good for Jeffrey.

It's good for all of us.
He's coining it in!

Yeah? Great.

This is a delicious meal.

So, tell me, are you planning
on a natural birth?

I don't know.
Just see what the pain's like.

- Maybe take it from there.
- Really?

I really think you should
consider a natural birth.

My cousin Sheila, she had
all the pain medication going -

oxytocin, pethidine,
she had the epidural.

- Didn't turn out well.
- Really? What happened to the baby?

Oh, no, the baby's fine.

But my cousin had a massive stroke.

She has to use
one of those wheelchairs

that you blow into to make it move.

Jesus.

That's actually why we should have
more than one kid.

What?

Just all the shit
that can go wrong.

I mean, birth's a risky thing.

There's a reason people had
11 kids in the olden days.

If one or two of them died,
you still had leftovers.

- Plus, only children are weirdos.
- I'm an only child.

- There are exceptions.
- My son's an only child.

More than one exception.

But this is a delicious meal.
Best meal I've had in some time.

- Remember that meal we had Tuesday?
- I do.

- Because this is better, this meal.
- Yeah.

- I'm going for a cigarette.
- Really? Do you really have to?

Yup.

- Rob, do you smoke?
- No, I don't.

- Did you quit?
- Oh, because you s...

- Rob, just go for a cigarette.
- Okey-dokey.

Sorry about that.
I hope I didn't upset Fran.

Oh, don't worry about it.

She'll wank off to that for a week.
She loves to get angry at people.

You did her a favour.

- Can I give you some advice, Rob?
- Er... maybe. About what?

When Sharon goes into labour,

jump on a plane,
go back to Wisconsin

or wherever it is you're from,

and skip the whole delivery.

I saw my son coming out,

and it was a fucking war zone.

Just put it there,
he'll do it later...

You know they shit
when they give birth?

- Uh, I've heard that.
- Yeah, well I've seen it.

I wouldn't want that for you.

You'll never be able to forgive her.

Forgive her?

You see a little troll

come tobogganing out of your wife's
snatch on a wave of turds,

and part of you
will hold her responsible.

That was my first cigarette
in ten years.

You haven't smoked in ten years?

Well, don't start now,
gimme that...

No, no. No, no.

Don't. I do this now.

He's a big one, isn't he?

Rob? Yeah.

Is he... big all over?

Um... yeah. Well, he's in proportion.

What's that like?

It doesn't hurt?
No, I mean...

- I mean he's proportional. I wasn't.
- Is he circumcised?

Most American men are, I've heard.

Yeah, he is.
What's that like?

- Well, same basic deal, really...
- No, I mean what does it feel like?

Sorry, what does
my boyfriend's penis feel like?

- You OK?
- Yeah, just a little dizzy.

Oh, dear. You know, I get
a little anaemic myself sometimes.

And whenever I feel weak,
I just take a tincture of Helonias,

or some Arsenicum, if that's all
I've got, and I perk right up.

What... You do what?

- It's a homeopathic remedy.
- Oh. No, thanks.

- Why not?
- It's not real.

- It is.
- It's not.

Well, I think it is.

I was on the Tube today,
and I saw a guy with no legs

so I prescribed him
three drops of doodly-doodle-doo,

and his legs grew back.

Rob, Fran's a homeopath.

You could've told me that
in my pre-dinner briefing.

Yeah, I think a lot of people
don't actually realise

that there are alternatives
out there that really do work.

My guru, Alan -

he cured himself of prostate cancer
last year with walnuts.

- Oh, give me a break!
- Pardon?!

What did he do,
jam 'em up his asshole?

I'm sorry?!
You're coming into my house...

Not to rip into your beliefs
in your own home,

but we just received some news
about Sharon that is not good,

and if I thought for a second

that I could rub a blueberry
on her vagina and fix her, I would,

but I can't, because it's bullshit!

- I think you should leave!
- I have cancer.

No, you don't! She's lying.

I think we pulled it back at the end.

It was good of you to ask Chris
for the recipe for that tagine.

I thought about asking them
to wake their kid up

so I could get his autograph.

You should have!
She'd have loved that. Aww!

- I'm really sorry about tonight.
- Don't be. They're awful.

And actually I was touched to see you
go apeshit at someone for me.

Well, I'm scared.

- Of the not-cancer cancer?
- Of everything.

I mean, you're pregnant,
you might be sick

and I don't know what I'm doing -

my shit's still in a suitcase.

Am I a part of your life or not?

I mean, are we doing this
for real or not?

- Well, I don't know...
- I think you should marry me.

What?!

- Are you mental?
- Marry me and find out.

Why? I mean, I literally
don't know who you are.

I mean, seriously, who are you?
Do you have a middle name?

Can you ride a horse?
Did a priest ever fiddle with you?

These are things I don't know.

Clifford. Yes. And no.

But a nun did stay
in the room with me

when I changed
out of dirty underpants once.

Oh, God.

Oh, aren't you supposed
to fall in love first?

Well, my mom sent me an article

about a study on arranged marriages
versus love marriages

and they found
that fewer arranged marriages

end in divorce than real ones.

Is that because they end in suicide?

I don't know,
I didn't read the whole article.

Also, you'll need to marry me
so I can stay in the country.

Ugh, God.

You don't have to be
part of its life, you know.

I'm not expecting anything.

Except money.

Maybe a bit of money.

So, I just write a cheque
every month and leave it at that?

Fuck that. I didn't know my father
and it sucked.

This kid gets a dad.

Oh, God,

you don't have to be
so American about it.

Fine!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God, hurry up,
I'm not gonna come.

How did my vagina feel?

- It felt great.
- Yeah?

Make the most of it 'cause it's not
gonna feel like that for much longer.

Not after your big-headed son
scrums his way out of it.

If it helps,
I dated a woman a few years ago

and she'd had a couple of kids,

and her vagina was crazy tight.

I mean, like, teenager tight.
It was amazing.

How do you know
what a teenager's vagina feels like?

'Cause I used to be a teenager.

Oh! Oh, yeah!

And it didn't...
it didn't feel cancer-y?

No, it didn't feel cancer-y,

because you really,
sincerely don't have cancer.

In fact, I want us
to get a second opinion.

Doctors make mistakes all the time.

You know, they told my brother
when he was ten that he had polio.

But it turns out he just was clumsy.

They probably told another kid
he was clumsy

and then he died of polio.

We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

Yeah, you might have to cross that
bridge alone because I'll be dead.

That's the spirit

Ripped By mstoll