Original subtitles

- ♪

- Hey! - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

- Hi! You look so beautiful.

- MALE ANNOUNCER: Previously on "Bruh."

- Is that a horse outside? - Yeah, boy!

- Oh, you're gonna wear white.

- We're not coming here to support you.

- At all.

- You're saying that if we try this thing,

you're only gonna be committed to me?

- And you only to me.

- If you're having second thoughts, call it off.

- I'm not having second thoughts.

- Y'all either with me or you're against me.

But I'm going to that wedding.

- I can't wait to see

the fireworks out there.

- Can he even ride a horse?

- Oh, damn. He just got on it backwards.

- ♪

- Hey, how's it going?

Uh...hmm.

Little two for one. Mm.

- Girl, stop flirting. Shit.

- Oh. Sorry.

Look, I'm trying to be the next one to get married, okay?

So, uh-- - What?

- You think she gonna go through with it?

- Why wouldn't she?

- Because she fucked Bill in the bathroom last night.

- Girl, watch your mouth.

- This ain't no church. Shit, this is a wedding hall.

- Oh hell yeah, you're right.

- Yeah. - You don't know that.

- I saw it.

- Ain't no camera in the bathroom.

I took it out last time that man was in there.

- So they did do it in the bathroom.

- Girl, leave me alone. - I knew it. I knew it.

Come on, just tell me. Just tell me.

I ain't gonna tell nobody. You know me.

- Laura? - You heard me.

- Laura? - Yes?

- Go open the store.

- But...we're closed tonight.

- Since you talkin' so damn much, I changed my mind.

- I'ma--I'ma sit down.

I'ma just--I'ma read my pamphlet like a good Christian, okay?

- That's a program, dumbass.

- Yes, ma'am.

I didn't know y'all were coming.

- We weren't, Ma.

- So why did you?

- [sighs] Well...

- Boy, talk. Speak up.

- I'm about to tell you. - Damn slow.

- Bill is on his way here.

- What? - Yes.

- Y'all better stop him. - We tried.

- How did three big ass-- well, excuse me.

How did two big-ass black men with a half a man--

- She ain't talking about me. - She's talking about you.

- I'm taller than you, bro. - I'm bigger than you.

- How they not be able to stop Big Dick Bill?

- Ma? - Hm?

- [sighs]

- We would have if he wasn't on a horse.

- What? - MIKE: Yeah.

- What the hell? - He's on a horse, Mama.

He's coming here on a big--

a--a--a big horse. I didn't say it.

- I ain't see no shit like this since I was in the circus.

- Okay. - You were in the circus?

- Long story. [chuckles]

But y'all better stop him from coming.

- Ma, that's what we're trying to do, okay?

- Look, stand guard at the door.

If you see him coming, knock his ass off the horse.

- Ma, we can't do that.

It's gonna make more of a commotion

than we're trying to make.

- Y'all better not let that boy ruin this girl's wedding.

- Ma, that's what we're trying not to do.

- Are you sure he's ruining it?

- What do you mean?

- She may wanna stop it. - Nuh-uh.

Not with all the money she spent on this and that white dress.

- She's wearing white? - That's what I said.

- Hey, dang it! - How is she gonna wear white?

- Stop that!

- She should have on red like me.

- Ma, stop.

- I should've gave her this dress.

- Ma, let's talk-- [whispers]

- Hm, she couldn't fit 'cause she bigger than me.

- Ma, these are people-- - Why are you laughing?

- Ma, these are her family right here. Mm.

- I ain't cussin' in no church. I don't do that.

But I will cuss in this motherfucker.

- Ma, this is a church. - This is not a church.

It's a wedding hall, dummies.

Yeah, last week they had damn strippers in here.

- Ma, please, chill out with that.

- I keep telling you this ain't no damn church.

- Ma, you can't keep cussing. This is where the Lord welds--

this is where people come together in front of God

and make their union. - This is not a church.

And the Lord ain't coming to see them...

after she did what she did.

In my bathroom. - Hey!

- Could you lower it down? It's other people in here.

- She fucked in my bathroom!

- [nervous laughter]

- She--she got Tourette's, that's all.

- She--she-- - She be cussing sometimes.

We--we working on it.

There's a doctor here to help her.

- Look, y'all gonna stop that idiot.

- Uh, no need. - What?

- Well, this is from a coworker at work.

And Bill's on his way there--to the hospital.

- What? Why is he on his way to the hospital?

- He fell off the horse.

- [laughs]

- Ma, it's not funny.

- [laughs]

Boy, you know what?

If this wasn't so sad, I would laugh.

- Ma-- - You are laughing.

- Yeah, that's right. Yeah, damn right.

[laughs]

- ♪ Navigating through the state of life ♪

♪ Trying to find me a shawdy and make her mine ♪

♪ Now, I'll find one in no time ♪

♪ With the help of my homies

♪ I'm going up with my BRUHS

♪ BRUHS

♪ I'm going up, I'm going up ♪

♪ With my BRUHS

♪ I'm going up, I'm going up ♪

♪ With my BRUHS

♪ Going up, yeah

♪ With my BRUHS

♪ I'm going up, I'm going up ♪

♪ With my BRUHS ♪

- [classical music playing]

- Wow.

- Yo, what the--

- Oh, here we go.

- No, it's okay. Hi.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Are we going to sit there?

- Yeah. - What's going on?

- Mike, we gotta go. - Yeah, okay.

- What are you--you got your little sidekicks going, huh?

Um, anyways, what are you--what's going on?

- You're here with homeboy? - Yeah, absolutely.

- Yeah, I had this date before we talked, so...

- Yeah, just tell him to go.

- I'll talk to him about it later.

- You'll talk to him about it later?

- Yeah.

- I guess you would be concerned.

Just tell him to go home.

- PAMELA: Mike? - Yeah?

- Okay, we're at a wedding.

- [whispers] We're at a wedding. - Yeah.

Tom, why don't--thank you. Let's not cause a scene.

- [whispers] I'm not causing a scene.

I'm your man. - He's gonna cause a scene.

- [whispers] We are causing a scene.

We're in the middle of the aisle.

We're talking while everybody watches.

- John! I haven't seen you in so long.

- This--this ain't about John.

This--I thought we had a thing.

- Look, she's standing right here.

- Anyways, we have--listen. Let's--let's go sit down.

Enough of this. - No, no, no--

- Sweetie, no. I'm sorry.

Excuse me, sorry. Do you mind moving over?

Gather your sidekicks, let's go. Bye.

You shouldn't even be here. I'll let Gina know, yeah.

- Mike, no, no. She'll be-- - She wants me to talk to her.

- Bill is in the hospital.

She got a date. It's okay.

Let's go help Bill. - You know what I would do?

- What's going on with you, man? Come on.

- He sprung.

- Ma. - [chuckles]

- Ms. Alice. - Mm.

I knew somebody would get you one day.

- Ms. Alice...

- I thought it would be me and Christie.

- Who's--who's Christie? - Don't worry about it.

Don't bring that-- Ma, nobody asked!

Don't ask her that.

I need you to focus. Your boy's in the hospital.

Let's go. - Okay.

I told you, go ahead. - Wait, what would you--

- Go ahead. Go ahead, take the keys.

- Are you serious? - I'm--I'm dead serious.

- You're not gonna go and check on Bill?

- Bill understands.

- Mike, Bill is in the hospital, okay?

In the hospital, bro. He's in the hospital.

- That's three times. - You about to--you're not--

- You remember what you told us? - What did I say? Tell me.

- About weddings? - Oh, about weddings.

All the girls at weddings, they just wanna get married,

so stay away from 'em.

- I also specifically--

- Your good buddy Mike is gonna stay here.

- I also remember saying that girls at weddings

wanna get laid, so...

- Mike, you're staying for Pam. What are you talking about?

- I'm trying to make sure that she understands that.

- Understand what? - That I'm here for her.

- She has somebody. - Bro, who are you?

- I'm Mike. - Oh, okay, yeah, Mike, baby.

- He pussy whipped. - JOHN: Ma!

- Ms. Alice. Ms. Alice.

- Mike? - Yeah?

- Come on, man. Bill needs you.

He at the hospital, man.

- Bill will understand, John.

- Cool, so I'ma tell Bill

that Mike stayed at his ex-girlfriend's wedding, right?

Even though he was in an emergency room

because he felt that Pamela

and the guy she dating needed some support.

And he's gonna understand, yes?

- You've been hanging around your mama too much.

- Excuse me? - You heard me.

- Don't be talking about my mama.

- What? What? You're trying to guilt trip me?

- Is it working? - No.

- Okay, well, I need to learn a lot more from her.

- Yes, you do.

- Alright, so, let me just...

- Okay. - Okay.

- Alright. - Good luck.

- Thank you. - Good luck.

- Thank you. Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

Oh, Jesus.

- Look at you. Hm!

All in love with her.

- Yeah, I'm not in love, Ms. Alice.

- Yes, you are.

Why don't you just admit it?

- Are there assigned seats?

- Yes. - Would you mind going to yours?

- Mine is wherever there's a great view of you.

- Ms. Alice, stop.

- You wanna meet Christie?

- Ms. Alice?

- Yes?

- You've introduced me to Christie before.

- Did I?

- Yeah.

- And did she...like you?

- Yeah, but it wasn't in that sense that I met her.

- What sense was it?

- I was in little league.

- I remember that.

You came over to the house.

And I was butt naked.

You ran out screaming for your mother.

- Mm-hmm. - But you grown now.

- Mm.

- Christie has matured.

- I don't know if that's good.

- You sure you don't wanna meet her?

She got a little salt-and-pepper gray.

- I'm--I'm gonna go sit down now.

- You sure? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Oh, don't rub Christie.

Don't rub Christie.

You'll make her purr.

[imitates purr]

You know I don't shave.

- [laughs] Oh, Jesus.

- I got that vintage.

- Okay.

- This one? - Mine.

- You go on. Scoot over. - You can sit right here.

- Oh, no, no, you good.

- Um, can you scooch over? I'm sorry.

- There you go. There you go.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

- [whispering]

- You guys need to calm down. Take it easy, Mike.

What are you doing?

You got me over here falling over.

- Wow. - You're right, you're right.

I'm sorry.

- Both of you guys can kick rocks, honestly.

- I'm sorry. - Me?

- No. - I'm sorry.

- Yo, I'm burning up now.

- [sighs]

- It's gonna be beautiful. - Yeah.

- ♪

- [moans]

- Where is he?

- Over there, whining like a little girl.

- Wow.

Are you okay?

- [moans] Shut up! No.

You gotta convince her to let me up outta here.

- Okay, so what's hurting?

- Nothing.

- That's not what it looks like.

- NURSE: We're still waiting on x-rays.

- Okay, can you get me the x-rays

as soon as you get 'em back, please?

Thank you very much.

- [moans]

- Yo, man, I'm sorry. I think I ruined your tux.

- Yeah, yeah, I see that.

- BILL: I gotta get out of here.

- JOHN: So what happened?

- Well, that lady at the stables

said it was easy to ride a horse.

- So that was your first time riding a horse?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, and hopefully the last.

- You--you know, you gotta, um--

you gotta give me something for the pain, man.

- What are you talking about?

- Get me something.

I gotta get to this wedding.

- Bill. - Okay, alright.

You need to get checked out first.

- No, I need something, man. I gotta stop this wedding.

- Bill, come on, hold up. - BILL: What?

- Look at you!

Maybe God used a horse to get you to sit your ass down.

- No. No. No.

Look, man, what am I supposed to do, huh?

Am I supposed to just give her to him?

- Bro, they already together. What are you talking about?

- No. No! No!

Oh, ow, no.

I ain't talking about this shit no more, okay?

I love her.

I gotta try.

- I feel like you've already tried.

- BILL: No!

Ow.

- Look at you.

- BILL: Look, man, no.

You don't get it.

You haven't been in love like this.

- She means that much to you?

- Hey, what time is it?

What time is it? - Bill, you need to stop.

- BILL: What? - You need to stop this, man.

Look at you!

Like, you need to stop this, man.

- If y'all don't help me, I'll go by my damn self.

- Okay, listen to me for a second.

- BILL: No, no, no! - TOM: No, Bill--

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- TOM: Listen to me.

When the x-rays and the scans come back,

if there's nothing broken and no internal damage,

then we'll help you get back to the wedding.

- BILL: Thank you.

Yo, thank you. - You're welcome.

- [yells] - My bad.

- BILL: Okay.

Yo, hey, hey, uh, can you clean off your tux?

- Um...no. But, uh, I gotta go.

So I'm gonna check those x-rays for you.

- BILL: Okay. - Alright.

- Hey, man, stay still, now.

Don't be moving, 'cause I don't--

I ain't gonna be able to help you, now.

- Look at me, man. - Yeah, look at you.

- I can't believe this, man. I--I think I blew it.

- Man, you need to stop this, man.

Like, real talk. All jokes aside, man, come on.

Look at you, bro.

- That woman was the best thing to ever happen to me.

- I understand how that, Bill, but come on, man.

- Man, what the hell is wrong with us men?

[whines] Ow.

Why don't we get it until it's too late, man?

- I don't have it, bro.

- No, answer me. Answer me!

[moans] - Come on, man.

- No, no, I gotta get her back. I'm getting her back.

- Okay, Bill, bro, it's a thin line

between passion and stalker.

You're becoming a stalker, bro.

- We made love.

- Y'all made what?

- We made love.

- Bro, no, y'all didn't make no love, man.

- Okay.

What I--what did we do?

- You were just in a sandwich shop fucking.

That's it. - No, we made love!

- Bro, that's not-- - It was special! Okay?

- Bro, ain't nothin' special between a toilet and a sink.

Come on. - Okay, alright.

Now, maybe it wasn't the most romantic thing.

But it was real.

And I'm getting that woman back.

- That's the stalker stuff right there.

That's when you're going over the line, man.

- No, no, I'm--I'm going to that wedding.

- Alright, man. Just stay still, man, alright?

Stay still. Just stay still, man!

- I gotta pee. - Hey!

- I gotta pee. - Oh, you gotta pee?

Okay. Well, go. Go ahead, go.

- You're my boy, so...

- What you mean?

- You--you see my arm's in a sling, right?

- You got a free arm right there.

- It's my left arm.

- You seem like you're in a dilemma.

- J? - What?

- Come on, man, help--you're not--

- You want me to get your cup for you?

- You're not gonna help me pee? - Look, bruh--

- Come on, man, get the cup. Stop clowning.

- Get what cup? I don't need to get no cup!

- Get the cup. - Bro--look, look. Look, Bill.

I love you man, for real. But I ain't doing that, man.

You crazy, bro! That's why they got nurses here.

I don't do this--uh-uh! Nigga, you crazy. Nurse!

- Don't call her! - Why not? That's what she do.

- She was looking at me like I was delicious.

- So? That's a good thing!

Nurse!

Where she at?

If you think I'm putting my hands on your dick, nigga,

you done lost your damn mind!

Nigga, no, nigga. Hell no. What, what?

I can't believe you even-- bro, that--that--that horse

threw you way up in the air.

- It's a lot of soap over there. - Ain't enough soap in the world

for me to touch your dick and wash my hands?

I will cut these motherfuckers off, you crazy.

- Where--where's your heart? - What?

- Show me where your heart's at.

- You really fell off that horse!

Like, you really gone. Nurse!

Where's the people-- they need to hire new staff.

Nurse! - No, no!

- Chill out. Ma'am, he got to pee.

Can you help him?

- Oh, I'd be glad to help you with that.

- Good, good.

I know your hands are so anointed to help him.

God bless you.

Just, he likes to be touched gently.

I don't know where your lotion is, but yeah, there you go.

- J, don't go! - Okay.

- I'll be back.

Let me know when you're finished.

- Alright, do you need to do the one or the two?

- [pained] The four. - Okay.

And you need a hand to help you with that, don't you?

- Mm-hmm.

- Um, okay, let's go.

- Wait, wait, wait! Where your gloves at?

- Uh, no glove, no love.

Um, why are you crying?

- This is very embarrassing.

- Don't worry. It happens all the time here.

This is not even the worst thing I've ever seen.

And...I've been down there a lot. [laughs]

You've actually got pretty good, um, structure to work with.

- Stop!

- I'll get the gloves.

Uh, um, uh...ah.

- ♪

- Still put my leg back around my neck.

Don't believe me?

- Ms. Alice... - What?

- Now, this thing was supposed to start an hour ago.

- This is a Black wedding.

We don't never start on time.

- Ms.--Ms. Alice, that's racist.

- Black people can say Black things about Black people.

- Okay.

- I'm gonna snatch your edges out.

- Oh, I believe you. Please don't.

- Yeah, I'd do it.

- I believe you. Please don't.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, don't worry about it.

Let me go see what's taking her so long.

- Oh, uh, are you sure you wanna do that?

- What you mean?

- I mean, she probably in there thinking about that bathroom,

if you know what I mean. Big Daddy Bill?

- Laura, Laura, look.

- I mean-- - Hush.

- Ms. Alice? - What?

- Wasn't this wedding supposed to start?

- Yes. - Well...

- Won't you stop asking me all of these questions

and tend to your situation?

- You're right. You're right.

- ♪

- This is gonna be beautiful.

- Yeah.

- You already said that.

- You're right.

- ♪

- So my man, how did you two-- - Oh, no, no, no.

Stop.

We're not doing that today.

Don't engage. I'm sorry.

You can sit here, but no, no, no.

- I just wanted to know. - You're sitting here?

- Yeah, I be sitting here. You see me sitting here? Shut up.

I just wanted to know. - Stop it.

If you want to sit here,

you're gonna have to let all of that go, okay?

Shouldn't you go check on Bill?

- How do you know about Bill?

- I overheard you guys talking.

Go check on him.

- Bill's fine. - Okay.

- I think you should check on Bill.

- Listen, if you're going to sit here, just be quiet, okay?

- Okay. - Thank you.

- ♪

- Regina! - Yeah?

- Girl, we waiting on you.

Do you know how bad my feet hurt? Shit.

You okay? - Yeah, I just--

I--I was just taking a moment to talk to myself.

- Well, what did you and yourself discuss?

- I'm just making sure I'm doing the right thing.

- Yeah, I think you are. - You think so?

- Yeah, that man got a lot of money.

- Ms. Alice, it can't always be about money.

- The fuck it can't.

- It can't.

- ALICE: You're so cute.

[chuckles] - It can't!

- You say that now 'cause you so young and beautiful.

But you wait 'til you put some miles on that thing.

- Ms. Alice, I'm sure it's--it's gonna be fine.

- You say that now, 'cause that thing all young and fresh...

or semi.

But you wait 'til you get to be my age.

You'll be running after the money.

'Cause everything that was up goes down.

- Ms. Alice. [laughs]

- I'm telling the truth. You laughing.

Come on and marry this motherfucker.

- Okay. - I can get off my damn feet.

- Okay, okay. - You ready?

- Yeah. - Okay. You sure?

- I'm sure. - Let's go.

- ♪

- Okay, let's go.

- ♪

- Bitch, let's go.

- ♪

- [sighs]

- ♪

- ALICE: Hurry up, then!

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪