Original subtitles

I am not crazy! I'm not crazy.

Announcer: Previously on "Bruh"...

Valerie: Hey, asshole. Nope. You're not going anywhere.

So why'd you do that to me?

What'd he do to you, sweetheart?

He had sex with me.

- But you wanted it, right? - Yes.

- You have anything to say, Tom? - I do.

I just recorded this whole thing.

Bitch be gone.

Pamela: You think just like Bill.

You see the girl with someone else,

and you want to stake your claim, "That's mine!"

Tom: That night, you got drunk, that girl.

Bill: You knew she was the dean's daughter.

You got a bad habit of going after shit

you're not supposed to have.

Mike: Ladies, how you doing?

John: Mike, that's the dean's daughter.

Christie: Hi, Mike.

Mike: Hi.

Christie: John, Bill.

Bill: Eh.

Christie: Tom.

Tom: Hi, Christie.

Christie: You all look like you've seen a ghost.

Tom: Oh. Well, excuse us. We're just not used

to hanging around liars!

Christie: What did I lie about?

Tom: OK. You know what? Can we get the check?

Christie: Oh. Are you gonna pay for my drink, too?

Mike: You're joking, right?

Christie: Well, you did that night.

Mike: Listen. Um, can I also get my check, please?

Christie: Come on. Buy me a drink.

Mike: Why? So you can tell your father that

we tried to get you drunk and take advantage of you?

Christie: Oh, my God. We were kids.

Mike: You're right. That makes it OK.

Christie: Wow. You guys really need to let it go.

Are--are you not gonna speak, John?

John: Yeah. I'm about to drink, you know.

Bill: J, chill, chill, chill. John: Because I don't--

Bill: Chill. I know.

Christie: So it's like that?

John: "So it's like"--yeah, it's like that!

Christie: Oh, God. Bill: Let's go to the car.

Christie: You guys are, like, really over the top.

John: "You guys are"-- are you serious?

This girl crazy! Like, she's mental.

Bill: J, J. John: She's delusional!

Bill: Let's just go. Tom: John, you're right.

John: Hey, y'all better get her then, get her.

Bill: Let's go to the car. John: Make her leave, bro.

Mike: Where the hell's my check? Yeah. Thank you.

Christie: You guys are really looking great.

Bill: John, no. Chill. John: Hey. Somebody--

Bill: Let's just go to the place.

Let's just go to the place.

Christie: Can't this just be in the past?

Bill: Naw. How about because you almost ruined our lives?

Christie: Oh, my God. Are we that dramatic?

Tom: You lied. Christie: I was drunk.

Tom: You knew he never did anything to you.

Christie: OK, OK, look. You know, my dad was mad.

I had to say something.

I didn't know it was gonna go this far.

What's the big deal?

Bill: Yo. The big deal is--

John: Hey. Y'all better get her, man.

Bill: Relax. John: Like, please.

Make her go, man.

Bill: Yo. The big deal is that you got

my boy kicked out of school.

Christie: Oh. I'm sorry. Bill: Yeah, OK.

John: Pfft. Sorry. Christie: OK, OK.

Can I--can I buy you guys a drink?

Bill: Hell, no. You should be handing out apologies,

especially to this man.

Christie: Wait. For what? We were drunk college kids.

Bill: Aw, shit. John: Hey. Ain't nobody

gonna get her?

Bill: No, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

John: I'll go to jail again!

Tom: John, John, let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Christie: OK. So really? Mike: Yeah.

Don't need to give you another chance to screw us over now.

Christie: Oh, you guys really don't know

how to move past things.

Mike: Watch me. Christie: Oh, God.

Singer: ♪ Navigating through this dating life ♪

♪ Trying to find me a shawty and make her mine ♪

♪ Now I'll find one in no time with the help of my homies ♪

♪ I'm going up with my bruhs ♪

♪ Yeah, going up and going up with my bruhs ♪

♪ Going up and going up with my bruhs ♪

♪ Going up, going up with my bruhs ♪

♪ Ooh, going up and ♪

♪ Going up with the bruhs ♪

Bill: We'll drive you home, man.

[John sighs]

Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa. One second.

Tom: Where you going? Mike, Mike.

Don't embarrass yourself.

Mike: Hey.

I said hello. Hi. What's up? Hi, Pam.

Pamela: Hi, Tom. Mike: How you doing?

Pamela: Hi, Mike. Ahem.

Mike: What's up? Just came to say hi.

Pamela: Don't engage. Please don't engage. Just--

Mike: Yo. Hey, buddy. I'm Mike.

Pamela: Hey, Mike. Mike: What'd you say?

David: David. Mike: David?

David: Yeah. Mike: that's a nice name.

I like that. It's Biblical.

Pamela: Mike, what are you doing?

Mike: Um, you guys known each other long?

Pamela: Don't engage. Mike: Don't listen to her.

David: I'm sorry. Am I missing something?

Pamela: No. You're not missing anything.

Mike: Hey, man. Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.

David: Wait. Can I help you? Can I help you?

Mike: I'm talking to you. David: Can I help you?

Mike: Have you guys known each other long?

I'm just trying to get to know your friend.

David: I'm trying to go on my date here.

Can you leave us be?

Pamela: What are you doing? Are you drunk?

Mike: I'm not drunk. Pamela: Is there a waiter? Um...

Ha ha! I'm just trying to get to know your friend. Hey.

What's up?

David: Nothing. Just on a date, man.

Mike: On a date. That's cute. That's cute. Look nice.

Nice. Went all out.

Pamela: Sweetheart, you should go home.

Mike: What, Pam? Come on. Pamela: Are you following me?

Mike: Am I following you? No. I'm not following you,

but I'm starting to think that you're doing this on purpose.

Pamela: Would you care to share what I'm doing on purpose?

Having dinner? I'm doing that on purpose definitely.

Mike: Yeah. That's cute.

No. You're coming to places that you know that I'll be

with Davids.

Pamela: You look really hurt, Mike.

Hey, Tom. Why don't you take your friend home?

Mike: Cool. Tom: This doesn't end well, bro.

Pamela: Please. Mike: get your hands off me.

Get your hands off me.

Pamela: I know, and he's a lawyer. Ha ha ha!

David: My man, why don't you back away from the table?

Mike: Why don't you shut the fuck up?

David: Wow! Pamela: Tom, is there--

Mike: You don't know me. You don't know me.

I will jump across this table right now.

David: You don't want me to stand up.

Mike: Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me.

David: Little man, little man. Mike: Don't fu--

Pamela: Ha ha ha! Ha ha! I love it.

OK. Listen. I'm having dinner, yes, on purpose...

Mike: Yeah. Pamela: with him,

and it's time for you to go.

You're drunk. Tom, get your boy.

Tom: Pamela, I got it, OK? Pamela: Do you?

Mike: Stop. Tom: Relax.

You guys, enjoy your dinner. Pamela: Thank you.

David: Why don't you leave us alone?

Mike: Why don't you shut the fuck up?

David: Wow. Pamela: Please back up.

I love your fucking cardigan. Knitted sweatshirts and shit.

Pamela: I think he looks great. Mike: Shut the fuck up.

You don't like dudes like this.

Pamela: Yes, I do. David: Bro, come on.

Mike: This cheap-ass outfit, this cheap-ass nigga...

David: Hey. You need to get away from my table right now.

- You don't want me to stand up. - with this cheap-ass shit.

You don't fuck with that.

David: Bruh, you need to back off the table.

Mike: You asked me for 100 K. He don't have 100 K.

David: Err. Mike: Sit down, bitch.

David: Nigga, you don't know my bank account.

Mike: Nigga-- Pamela: Go home! How about that?

David: Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Tom: Pamela, that's not cool. Let's go, let's go.

Mike: I got you. Why don't you back up?

Pamela: Don't, don't, don't.

Mike: Look, Pam.

David: Wow. He's still going.

Mike: I love you. I love you, OK?

Pamela: You're a joke. I don't believe you at all.

Can--can we not--yeah.

David: Get away from the table. Can we not do this?

Mike: Yo. Don't fucking touch me.

Sit back, sit back, sit back.

David: Get your fingers out of my goddamn face.

Mike: Fuck you!

David: Get your fingers out of my face.

Tom: Mike.

David: Wow. Right back into it. OK.

Mike: Pamela. Pamela: Heh heh.

Mike: Look at me.

David: You want to get your boy?

Mike: Don't you see I'm trying to talk, nigga?

Shut the fuck up!

Pamela: Hey. You need to calm down.

You need to calm down.

Mike: Look. Look. I just want to talk to you.

I just want to talk to you. Please, please.

Pamela: And say what? You're not saying anything.

Mike: I just want to say that-- Pamela: Your wasting our time.

Mike: I love you. I swear to God.

I swear to God that I love you.

I said it. I said it.

David: OK. Pamela: You said it. Good job.

David: You said it. Pamela: You said it.

Tom, get your boy. Tom: Pamela--

Pamela: Get him. Take him-- pick him up

and make him leave, please.

Is there management around here? Is there someone?

Mike: Pamela, Pamela. Pamela: Can you--

Mike: Pamela, Pamela, you-- don't do shit!

Tom: You sit down. You sit down.

Mike: Sit the fuck down! Sit the fuck down!

David: You gonna fight me in this restaurant?

You gonna fight me in this restaurant.

Tom: That's OK. No, no, no, no.

Pamela: Are you kidding me?

Mike: I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

Tom: Don't throw it, please, please.

Mike: I'll see you lat-- Pam, I'll see you later.

Tom: OK, guys. Sorry to have ruined the evening.

You guys enjoy the rest of your meal.

Pamela: Tom, take your horny ass out--

Tom: It's not bad. It's a good outfit.

David: Yeah. All right, man. Tom: Take it easy.

David: Wow. Are you OK? Are you OK?

Pamela: I'm OK. David: Yeah?

Pamela: Yeah. Sit down.

Do you want to-- we can go.

David: I mean, we're already here.

We're already here, me and you. He's gone.

Pamela: Oh, my God. This is embarrassing.

David: Are you OK? We can leave.

Pamela: Yeah. David: You want to leave?

Pamela: No, no.

Singer: ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ I got a ménage on my mind ♪

♪ It's me, you, and your friend ♪

♪ I don't want to end up out of breath ♪

♪ So I'm gonna let you two begin ♪

Bill: You good, man?

John: Yeah, I'm good.

Bill: Heh. Yo. That was crazy, right?

John: What?

Bill: Man, that chick showing up like that.

John: Yeah. It's whatever.

Bill: No, man. Like, how can you be so calm

about this shit right now?

John: Bill, how you want me to be, man, huh?

Bill: I don't know.

Start a fake page and body shame her or something?

John: What? Bro, I'm just glad I didn't go to jail,

you know what I'm saying?

Could have been much worse.

- Yo, man. - It's whatever, bro.

- That's true. - You know what I mean?

It's the past is the past, so I'll just move on.

That's how you should do it.

All right. Yo. I'm with you, man.

- Thank you. - Yo, but for real, though,

I'm sorry about everything, man.

Bill, stop apologizing, bro.

Like, y'all keep--like, y'all ain't got to keep

feeling sorry for me, man.

I'm good. Come on with that, bro.

- OK. - Thank you, though.

OK. OK. I got you.

Well, since you good, how about you give

that girl a call?

John: What girl?

Man, the one you told us about, the one you like.

Who? Who you talk--are you talking

about the girl I met tonight?

- Yes. - Boy, I'm not calling her.

Yeah. Give her a call. Come on, man.

John: No, Bill. I'm not calling.

I'ma look thirsty, bro.

I'm not gonna call her the same night I met her.

Bill: Yo. First of all, you been parched for forever, OK?

- Let's keep it real. - I am parched, but...

- OK? So forget all of that. - She gonna know I'm parched

I call her tonight.

Bill: Hey. Stop playing games. Give her a call.

John: You think I should call her?

Bill: Come on. It's me. Don't I know how to do this?

- Give her a call. - Don't you know how to do this?

What? What you talking about?

John: Nigga, you let Regina get away.

- Not for long, man. - Bill, come on.

- What? - Bro.

If you chase her down, bro, you gonna

have to commit to her,

and you know you're not ready for that.

- Yo. I'm ready. - You ready for that?

Yeah, I'm ready, I'm ready to commit.

John: Heh. Damn. You ready to commit. No.

Bill: No. Why? Why? Why "damn"?

John: Bro, you know you're not.

You're not gonna do it.

Bill: Yo. I'm ready, OK? I'ma do it.

John: OK. Well, go ahead, man. You got my full support

if you're gonna do it for real.

- Thank you. I am. - OK.

- I really am. - All right.

I'm hungry. Can we go get something to eat, please?

You know, I'm hungry, too.

Yo. You know what I could go for right now?

What?

Some of your mama's delight.

Hoo. Mmm.

John: You know that don't sound right, right?

Bill: Ha ha ha! Yeah, yeah.

John: I told her not to name it that.

Bill: Yo, yo, but it's so good, though.

John: It is good. It tastes good.

Bill: It's, like, it's juicy, and it's...

- Hey! - It's a little sloppy, but...

- Can you not do that? - What?

That's my mama, bro. Stop playing with me.

Bill: OK, OK, OK.

John: That's not funny.

Bill: Yo. Can we go get one at least?

- We can go get a sandwich. - All right.

[Mumbling] It is juicy, though, man.

- What? - I'm just saying--

- Don't play with me, Bill. - Very flavorful.

I got to deal with it from my mama, man.

Don't be playing. Don't play. That's my mama, man.

- All right. We good. - All right, bro.

Singer: ♪ Ha, hey, girl, I heard you kiss and tell ♪

♪ But I heard that you be kissing well ♪

♪ Got a lot on your mind to dish and sell ♪

♪ Your story, my story, it fit so well ♪

♪ On the front page ♪

Alice: Now that's the way you do it.

Regina: Ms. Alice, thank you so much.

For what?

Regina: Opening the shop for me.

Alice: Oh. All you got to do is ask.

Regina: And pay you.

Alice: Yeah, that, too. Ha ha ha!

Regina: Really. You know, them sandwiches is of the hook.

Alice: Thank you. Regina: Mm-hmm.

Alice: So you really gonna do it?

Regina: I am.

Alice: OK.

Regina: Why you say it like that?

Alice: Well, I'm just happy you followed your heart.

Regina: Yeah, me, too. Alice: Yeah, me, too.

Regina: Wait. Did you meet my friend Pamela?

Alice: Hmm. Regina: Girl, she's going

through the same exact thing with Mike right now.

Alice: What you mean?

Regina: He treated her like crap,

and now he's all over her.

- Mike? - Mike.

Talking about he loves her.

Alice: Look. Men don't grow up as fast as women do.

You got to let them find their own way.

They're like dogs in the snow,

you know, sand on the beach,

a walrus on the--

Regina: OK. Ms. Alice, have you been smoking?

Alice: All night long! Turn it up!

Come on, come on!

John: What is going on? Ma!

- What? - This ain't sanitary, Ma!

Alice: Uh-huh. Neither is this.

John: I'm gonna be sick, bro.

- Ma! - What?!

Why you doing that here?

Alice: Well, you know, Regina told me

to open the shop.

John: Oh. Hey, Regina. Regina: Hey.

Yeah. Just some food after the bachelorette party. Heh heh.

John: OK. Regina: Yeah.

John: All right.

Regina: Your mama-- your mama's a saint.

Bill: Uh, more like a freak, but it's all good.

Hey. Hey. What's up, Regina?

[John sighs]

Regina: Oh. Bill: What?

Regina: I mean, I was hoping I wouldn't run into you.

Bill: Well, I'm glad I ran into you.

Regina: Boy, stop.

Bill: So. Um, what you doing?

Regina: Bachelorette party.

Bill: Yeah. I see that. Regina: Yeah.

Bill: So you really going through with this?

Regina: Girls, is he serious right now?

Bill: Yes, I am.

Regina: And yes, I am. I am going through with it.

Bill: You drunk right now?

Regina: Are you drunk? Bill: No.

Regina: I don't even know why you asking me that anyway?

Bill: Yeah. You right.

I'm getting married.

Well, you don't look too happy about that.

- Whatever. - Come on.

Let's go talk.

Regina: No. I'm not talking.

I am about to go dance with that stallion over there.

Bill: Yo, Regina. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Regina: Uh, I'm not waiting, OK?

Bill: Come on.

Regina: You're an asshole.

Alice: Leave her alone.

Bill: Yeah. I just want to talk to her.

Alice: You had your chance, boy. Bill: I know.

Alice: And what y'all did to my son.

Bill: Ms. Alice.

Alice: Leave her alone, or I'll make you a sandwich.

Bill: Well, I mean, that's what I came here for.

Alice: With your own nuts?

Bill: Ms. Alice, come on, stop that.

John: Come on.

Alice: Want some hot sauce in it?

John: Come on, man. I'll get you a sandwich.

Come on.

Bill: Yo. You making it, right?

John: I got you. Come on. Let's go.

Come on. I'll make you a sandwich.

All right.

Bill: I want everything. I want everything on it.

John: You want everything? Bill: Everything.

John: I got you.

What you gonna do, man?

Bill: I got to stop this.

Alice: It's too late for that.

Bill: It's never too late.

Alice: She getting married tomorrow.

Bill: Wait. What?

Alice: They moved the wedding up.

Bill: W-w-what are you talking about?

Alice: What? You hard of hearing

or you hard up?

Bill: Damn!

Alice: Speaking of hard up, let me go...

tip the stripper.

John: Ugh.

Bill: Look, man. Look at her.

John: I'm not looking at that.

Bill: No, no. Look at her. Uh-oh. Uh-uh.

John: Mama, get off your knees, man!

Bill: Yo. Your mama got a good gag reflex.

John: Shut up, man!

Ma, no! That's not-- Mom, that's not a guy.

Get up, Ma! You--

[Whimpering]

Bill: You know, I got--

John: Man, get your fucking sandwich, man.

Tom: Damn.

Hey.

Tom: What the hell?

Valerie: I wanted to... talk to you.

Tom: How the hell did you even get in here?

Valerie: I wanted to see you.

Tom: Well, you're not seeing me right now, OK?

Get the hell out of here.

Valerie: I'm so sorry, Tom.

Tom: You tried to get me fired!

Valerie: I know, but let me--

let me make it up to you.

Please.

Tom: Are you completely insane?

Valerie, you need to get out of here!

Valerie: Please. You were so good with me.

Please just--you can take me any way you want me, Tommy.

Tom: What exactly is wrong with you?

Valerie: I'm in love with you.

Tom: I don't love you.

I don't want to be with you.

I'm not interested in you.

The only thing that I want from you

is for you to leave me alone.

That's it.

Valerie: Sure.

Tom: I'm sorry.

Valerie: OK.

It's OK.

[Tom sighs]

Valerie...

Valerie: How do I keep getting myself

into these situations?

Tom: What situations?

Valerie: This.

You're not the first guy.

What's wrong with me?

Valerie, you're a beautiful woman, OK?

- You think? - You see?

I can't even give you a compliment

without you thinking I want to sleep with you.

Valerie: Do you?

Tom: Valerie.

Valerie: It's OK. Heh. It's--honest, it's fine.

Tom: Valerie, go home, please.

Valerie: Sure.

Tom: I'm sorry.

I am.

Valerie: So am I.

John: Hey. I'm charging you for that sandwich, man.

Bill: You know, I got to get up out of here.

John: Yeah. I think that's a good idea, man,

because you keep staring.

Bill: I'm gonna go to the bathroom, man.

John: All right. Alice: Where you going?

Bill: I'm going to the bathroom.

Alice: You can't handle my juice?

Bill: Ms. Alice, I don't want your juice.

Nobody does.

Alice: Nigga, my juice is from Egypt.

Bill: Yeah, because it's ancient.

John: Ha ha ha! Alice: Your mama.

Bill: Yo. What you want?

Alice: What do you mean what do I want?

This is my damn place.

John: And mine. Bill: OK, OK.

Alice: Get rid of the damn attitude, son.

I'm trying to talk to you.

Bill: OK. All right. Yeah. Sorry, sorry.

Alice: She getting married.

Bill: Yeah, I know that.

Alice: I mean, tomorrow.

Bill: Yeah. You said that. I understand.

Alice: You know why they moved their wedding up?

Bill: Please share with me.

Alice: Because of your black ass.

John: Ma. Bill: Hmm?

John: Ma, come on.

Alice: You are not in this conversation.

Bill: Why you telling me this? You want me to go

after her or something?

Alice: I ain't saying nothing,

you know, but yeah, but no.

Bill: Dog, tell your mama she need to stop smoking.

John: I been telling her that.

Alice: No. It helps me.

Bill: OK. Ms. Alice, I'm sorry.

I can't with you today, OK?

She really getting married?

Alice: Yeah, man.

Bill: OK. Yo. There's nothing I can--

Alice: Let it go.

He real sad.

Bill: Ma, you just don't have no empathy

or sympathy for nobody.

Alice: Nope.

Oh, come on, 74! Oww!

John: Oh, my God.

Alice: Ha ha ha! Yeah!

John: Hey. That's my mama.

Hey. Get your hand off her ass, man.

Alice: Oh, come on. Ahh!

John: Ma, Ma.

Ma, this is child abuse, OK?

Regina, what you doing?

Shut up.

Singer: ♪ Everything is changing, changing ♪

♪ You're so damn beautiful ♪

♪ I know places, places ♪

♪ We'll make up our own rules ♪

♪ Don't have all the answers, answers ♪

♪ But I know I love you ♪

♪ We're running with scissors, scissors ♪

♪ Cutting up the rearview, rearview ♪

♪ Cutting up the ♪

♪ Cutting up the, cutting up the rearview, rearview ♪

♪ Nothing and no one can stop me ♪

♪ From loving you, loving you ♪