All language subtitles for The.Stooge.1951.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Lackawanna 8-799.

MAN:
Hello.

Hello.

I'm so afraid
to close my eyes ♪

Afraid that I'll find ♪

Ah, that was mighty pretty,
honey.

Oh, hello.

Say, are you doing
anything tomorrow

after the matinee?

No.

Well, how would you like
to get married?

Well, you got someone in mind?

Yes. Me.

Well, best offer I had today.

Suppose I think it over?

All right, you take your time.
I'll hold on.

Okay.

This lovely thrill ♪

Is just a silly
illusion ♪

With my eyes
wide open ♪

Do I deserve
such a break? ♪

La da da da dee ♪

La da da-hee ♪

You know,
I think I can make it.

Good.

Oh, uh, by the way,
what was that name again?

Miller. Bill Miller.

Oh, how nice.

Well, good night,
Mr. Miller.

Now, one minute.

Who are you?

Well, I'm Mary Turner.

Good night, darling.

See you in church.

See you in church.

Mighty pretty.
Mighty pretty.

Thank you, sir.

The agent's slice, Leo.
The usual ten percent.

Looks like a small cut
to me.

Ha ha.

Hello, Mary.
Hi, honey.

And to you and Mary,

the best of luck,
forever and a day.

I'll miss you, Bill.

I'm gonna miss you too, Ben.

You've been swell.
We had great years.

Why the gloom, boys?

This is a wedding,
not a wake.

( chuckles )
For the act, it's a wake.

Bill's leaving.
Eh?

Well, I wanna play the big time
on my own, as a single.

Oh, is that so?

I tell you,
you're out of your head,

quitting a great comic
like Ben Bailey.

Well, I did
a single before.

I know a lot more now.
I've learned from Ben.

Listen, Bill,

when I found you in Scranton,
you were making a fast 60.

You had those flashy
two-pants suits

and ragged underwear.

Who got you to play
that chest piano?

Who built you up
to 1250?

Who bought you
your first tuxedo?

I did!

Bill,

the trick in show business
is to be a hit.

With another guy,
with a girl,

with a kangaroo,
anything.

Look,
you're my friend,

but I don't think
you can make it alone.

Now, don't try to
talk me out of it, boys.

I'm gonna start again
in Scranton. Alone.

If I have anything,
I'll be back here again, alone.

My name will
be on top, alone.

Maybe you should've
got married, alone.

I don't think
you can stand

two talented people
in the same family.

I'm sorry, fellas.
I'm doing a single.

A singing, dancing,
talking comedian.

I love you, Leo,

but since an hour ago,
I have a wife to take care of.

I gotta start sometime.

Okay. Start.

Well, what do you say, Leo,
do I make any sense?

If you really mean
what you just said,

you make sense.

I think any man has a right
to do what he wants to...

providing he doesn't
hurt anyone.

But you've got
to have material, jokes.

Well, I have Al Borden writing
an act for me right now.

He's the greatest gagman
in America.

You think so?
I do.

That makes two of you.
You and Al.

Now, look, Leo,
will you leave that to me?

All I want you to do
is get the bookings

and you can start now.

Oh, there you are.

Say, isn't there something
about the groom

dancing with the bride
on their wedding day?

I'll bet
you made that up.

Will you excuse us,
Leo?

Well, Al Borden!
Congratulations.

Glad you came.

Excuse me,
will you, honey?

Say, are you serious?
You just got married.

Thank you, Mr. Borden,
for my first wedding present.

Leo.

Mary needs
a partner.

Mary isn't
the only one.

Al, listen...

You don't think he's doing
the right thing, do you?

You mean quitting Ben?

As an agent, no.

As a friend...

And what about me
leaving Sutherland?

Mary...

you leaving Sutherland
after all your hard work?

And mine?

Bill doesn't want me
to work anymore.

Love, he can handle,
but I wish he'd leave

the business end of it
to me.

You'll keep on looking out
for him, won't you, Leo?

For ten percent, I'd look after
my own mother-in-law.

( extravagant theme playing )

Well, I wouldn't say
she had buckteeth,

but she was
the only girl I knew

that could eat an apple
through a picket fence.

( chuckles )

( Bill plays accordion )
That was funny.

BILL:
And so I said to the fellow,

"If that's your wife, buddy,
you're in a lot of trouble."

( both chuckle )

That was funny,
wasn't it?

Yeah,
that was funny

20 years ago.
Well, don't worry.

Once Bill starts
to warm them up,

the audience
will really go.

They're
going now.

Out of the theater.

LEO:
"Short, short story.

"Ben Bailey broke
in new partner,

"socko Baltimore,

"ditto Boston,

ditto Washington."

Here's the important part--

"Bill Miller, single,
12 minutes.

"Lays egg in Newark,

"ditto Camden,

"ditto Wilkes-Barre,

ditto Scranton."

That wiseacre!
I'll call those guys--

Shut up!

What?
I said, shut up.

You've got yourself in a spot
because you got a swellhead.

Some fairy godmother
must've whispered to you

and told you that you
don't need nobody.

Well, you better stop
listening to pixies

and listen to your agent.

You're not a single,
you never will be.

You're a nice guy, and you got
talent, and you got a nice wife,

but you're gonna
blow them all off

if you don't start
listening!

Wanna hear what's wrong
with your act?

Well, sit down,
because I'm gonna tell you.

You think that you can come out
and sing and be cute.

Well, cute songs
are a nickel a dozen.

You need a new opening.

A comedy song
and two funny stories.

Not those broken-down jokes
from Al Borden.

And a finish.

Did you ever
hear about that?

A "San Francisco" finish.

Cohan did it
with a flag.

It's the most important
thing of all!

Well, it's easy
to tell me about it.

Yeah? Well,
here's how you do it.

You go down to any
music publishing house,

and you get one of those
schnook song pluggers.

You put him out in the audience,
then you introduce him.

But I don't want any--

Yes, there you go again!

He's not your partner,
he's a stooge!

All you have to say is, uh,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

"we're very lucky to have
in the audience this afternoon

"a Mr. Sam Jones
or Mr. Bruce Anybody,

"the author
of that big song hit,

'Your Father's Mustache'
or 'Your Uncle's Pistol.'"

Then you roust the guy around.

The audience laughs. It's sock.

You think
that'll be good?

What do you want,
a sworn affidavit?

I'll call Sam Robertson
and get you a guy.

Now, get out of here,
I'm busy.

( rings )

( elegant piano music
playing )

Hello?

Hello, Leo.

Yeah. Song plugger?

Oh, no, no, Leo,
I need all I've got.

( loud crash )

( clatter )

Wait a minute, Leo,
wait a minute.

I think I've got
just the boy for you.

Yes.

Oh. Oh,
you'll love this kid.

Sure, you can pay him
what I pay him,

15 dollars a week.

Yeah, he--
He loves to sing...

and he's smart as a whip.

That's right.

Okay, Leo.

Goodbye.

Miss Reagan,

what did that idiot do
this time?

He dropped
a stack of records.

Is he bleeding?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, too bad.

Well, anyway, I think
we're going to lose him.

You mean they're gonna come
and take him away?

No, but I've just
put over

the biggest business deal
of my career.

Where is he?

He's on
his lunch hour.

He's allowed 30 minutes.
Hmm.

Well, take his head
out of the feedbag

and tell him
I want to see him.

He's very insistent
on that full half-hour.

He puts great stress
on proper nourishment.

You tell him I wanna see him
right away.
Yes, sir.

Miss Reagan.
Yes?

Tell me the truth. Do you
honestly think he's human?

I've heard people bet
both ways.

( sighs )

( whistling )

Stick around,
mister.

There'll be a spot
in just a minute.
Never mind.

( bell rings )
I would like to have...

( clears throat )

Uh...

( bell rings )
Could I...?

( coughs )

Could I get a...?

( clears throat )

I would like to have a--
( water splashes )

A glass...

What'll it be, bud?

Oh, I'd like a glass
of hot water, please.

Hot water.
Yeah.

Thank you.

What'll you have
with it?

Oh, that's all.

That's all?

Just hot water?

Yeah, I want it
for my tea.

You've got a nerve.

Driving away my customers
and making your own tea!

Now, get out here!

Beat it! Beat it!
You take your hands off me!

I'll pay you for the hot water,
here's a nickel.

Now, get out of here
and quit taking up space!

Don't you put your hands on me!
I'll call a policeman!

I paid for the hot water
and this is a public restaurant.

I got a perfect right
to sit here.

That's the law.

The law?
You heard me.

Look it up yourself

in the code book
of the City of New York.

Article nine,
paragraph six, revised.

And I got friends on the force.
Don't you give me no trouble.

Excuse me.

Well...

...you got everything.

That saves me
a lot of trouble.

( laughing )

( chuckling )

Yeah, my mother makes
my lunch every morning,

so I don't ruin my stomach
in these sloppy hash houses.

Gahh--!
Don't you touch me,

I got friends
on the force.

Thank you.

I don't use pepper.

Sugar?

Oh, thank you.

I beg your pardon.

Cream or lemon?

Oh, I always use cream.

Cream.
But don't bother.

I brung my own.

( blows )

( squirt )

Ah-haaaaaa.

I'm just trying
to be helpful.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ah!

That sandwich.

Wouldn't you like me
to toast it for you?

Oh, would you?

Aw!
That's it!

Oh, you broke the whole hand!
You deformed me!

Now, I won't be able to play
with the other children!

What are you yapping about?
You still got four fingers left.

Yeah,
but when I grow up,

I might want to play
the piano, maybe.

You're running a very
unsanitary establishment.

You can rest assured,
I'm going to

report you
to the Board of Health!

Ted! I've been looking
all over for you!

Mr. Robertson wants to see you
right away. Come on.

Why didn't
you find me sooner?

I'm never coming
back here again!

You just lost a customer!

( piano playing )

Oh, Ted,

here's that phonograph handle
you wanted.

Oh, thanks, Duzik.

I'll give you the money for it
on payday.

Miss Reagan--
Hurry up.

You're three minutes
past your half-hour.

Yeah, but Miss Reagan...
Now, Ted!

( shatters )

( sighs )

( inhales )

( laughs )

I-I'm sorry, Mr. Robertson.

I'll give you the money
for it on payday.

Careful, Ted,

don't cut your throat
on my time.

Mr. Robertson,
it was an accident!

I didn't mean to do it.
I had Duzik's phonograph handle

and I was just gonna
Come in, boy.

knock on the door, that's all.
Come in, boy.

Don't pick on a little guy.
Come in.

It's all right,
don't get excited.

Sit down,
son.

Me?

Yes,
sit down.

Well, Bill,

there's your...

...man.

Hit where there's
padding.

Hit where there's
padding!

Come on, kid.
What do I do?

Oh, just go right ahead
with him, that's all.

Oh, I'm sorry,
sir.

Grab those,
huh, kid?

Y-You want
I should go with him?

More than anything
in the world.

( smash )
Ohhh!

I-I'm sorry,
Mr. Robertson.

I-I'll pay you
for that on payday.

He sings too, huh?

( sighs )

MS. REAGAN:
Good luck, Mr. Miller.

( traffic )

Hello, sweetie.

Myrtle Theatre, Brooklyn.

How are you,
sweetheart?

MARY:
You wouldn't mind
telling me

where you were
the last hour?

I was working,
doll.

I was getting
some new jokes.

I'll bet.
From Al Borden.

Why don't
you marry him?

That's not funny.

Neither are his jokes.

Mary.

Mary...

...I'm sorry.

That's very
nice of you.

Well, I am. You know how
important this is to me.

Well, I'm pretty
fed up.

Ever since the day
we were married,

all I've heard
is Al Borden

and his jokes
and the act.

That's a fine way
to talk.

You know I'm trying
to make good.

All right, then,
let's not talk.

BILL:
Mary!

Hey!

Oh, take care of this,
will you, kid,

and I'll see you
in the dressing room.

Mary!

Six dollars, buster.

Oh, that's very reasonable
for such a nice cab.

Now, hold it.
That's the fare, birdbrain.

Now, pay me or
I'll charge you for waiting.

You don't believe in

keeping all your eggs
in one basket, do you?

( chuckles )

( chuckles )

Wait a minute,
that's only five.

I said six,
didn't I?

Could I have some back?
What?

Well, then could
I just have a nickel

for carfare
or a cup of coffee?

You panhandler.

( pops )

( air whistling )

CABDRIVER:
Hey!

Lover, when I'm near you ♪

And I hear you
speak my name ♪

Softly ♪
Shh.

Quiet!

Oh, please get out of the way.
Our cue is on.

Lover, when we're dancing ♪
Shh.

Shh.
Shh.

Quiet.
Quiet, schmiet.

You try and be quiet.

You try and be quiet,
carrying these bags.

Shh.
--entrancing music dies ♪

Shh.
Shh.

( clatter )
Hey.

Shh.

BILL:
Still mad?

( giggles )
Hmm?

No, how can I stay
angry with you?

I'm sorry about last night,
but it's like I told you, honey.

I want to get up there
where you'll be proud of me.

And sometimes
I'm in such a hurry,

I just get
carried away.

( stomp )

Oh, come on in, kid.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Miller,

but if you won't
need me anymore--

Put the big one
up there.

( crash )
Watch that. Easy!

( knocks )
Yes?

MAN:
Five minutes,
Mr. Miller.

Okay.

Mr. Miller, would you like
me to put this away?

Yeah.

Come on,
let's go, Mary.

( applause )
( band playing fanfare )

Come on, kid!

Mr. Miller,
I better be getting back.

Mr. Robertson's
gonna miss me.

Shh.

See that box?
Yeah.

You go on up there.

Oh, to see the show?
Thanks, Mr. Miller.

For free?

Yeah.
Go right through there.

Good luck,
darling.

And good luck
to you too.

Huh?

( applause )
You're on.

( shrieks )
Ooh, I'm sorry, lady!

Oh, that's all right.

BILL:
Ask the sky above ♪

And ask the earth below ♪

Why I'm so in love and ♪

Why I love you so ♪

Couldn't tell you though ♪

I try, dear ♪

Just why, dear ♪

I'm yours ♪

When you went away ♪

You left a glowing spark ♪

Trying to be gay is ♪

Whistling in the dark ♪

I am only what ♪

You make me ♪

Come take me ♪

I'm yours ♪

How happy ♪

I would be to beg ♪

And borrow ♪

Or sorrow ♪

With you ♪

Even though I knew ♪

Tomorrow ♪

You'd say ♪

We were through ♪

If we drift apart ♪

Then I'll be lost alone ♪

Though you use my heart ♪

For just a stepping stone ♪

How can I help dreaming ♪

Of you ♪

I love you ♪

I'm yours ♪

( applause )

You brought me out
for this?

Take it easy, Frank.

Thank you. And now, ladies--
( Ted clapping )

Thank you.

All right, all right.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Now we have a treat for you.

Something you're getting
for nothing.

Did you ever hear of a fellow
named Jimmy Lyons?

Well, for your information,

Jimmy Lyons is
the fellow that wrote

one of the greatest hits
around today.

A song called "For You."

Is he kidding?
Give him a chance.

And it just so happens

we have Jimmy Lyons
in our audience today.

Let's have him take a bow.

( applause )
House lights!

No, you.

Me?

Come on, stand up,
take a bow. Don't be shy.

Get up. Come on.

Ooh.
Oh!

Oh, lady! Lady!

Lady! Lady!
( laughter )

Oh, lady!

Hey, Mr. Miller!

My ha-ow!

Hey! Heeey! Hey!

Miller! Hey!

( applause )
Lady! Laaadyyyy!

Stay up
in your box there!

You crazy?

( laughter )

Gee, you're strong.

You're cute.

( laughter )

I'm getting
out of here!

Oh, no!
Fine.

Come on,
let's get him to sing, huh?

Come on, applaud.

( applause )

Go on.

Don't be stuck up.

Sing.

All right.

( gasps )

Nothing came out.
( laughter )

Hit it.

( band plays
slow, romantic music )

( poorly ):
Ask the sky above ♪

And ask the earth below ♪

( music grows louder )
Why I'm so in love ♪

And why I love you so ♪

( louder ):
Couldn't tell you though ♪

( laughter )
I try, dear ♪

Just why, dear ♪

I'm yours ♪

When you went away ♪

You left a glowing spark ♪

Trying to be gay ♪

Is like whistling in the dark ♪

( shouting ):
I am only what you ♪

Make me ♪
( riotous laughter )

( music stops )

What are you
laughing at?

Say, what kind of a voice
do you have?

Until I was 18,
I was a soprano.

Soprano?

Yeah, but then my mother
told me I was born a boy.

Don't tell me
you were born.

What do you think,
I came from an egg?

No, the chicken
would've buried it.

Ha ha. Well,
my mother loves me.

I'll bet she was disappointed,
I'll bet she wanted a child.

Well, she got one.

Look up the records.
I--

I was born
at the Mercy Hospital.

What's the matter,
were you sick?

No, I wanted to be
near my mother.

( laughter )

Mercy Hospital.
That's in Brooklyn, isn't it?

What's wrong
with Brooklyn?

Any big men
born in Brooklyn?

No, just babies.

( laughter )

How about, uh,
"For You"?

For you?
How about for me?

No, what about it?

How about what?

"For You."

You said that.

I know it.

What about it?

Sing it.

Sing what?

"For You."

I don't know it!
( laughter )

Well,
"Who's Your Little Whozis?"

None of your business!

No, I mean, sing it!
( applause )

All right,
but stop hollering.

I'll start.

Go ahead.

Hit it.

( band playing
swinging, whimsical music )

Who's your little whozis? ♪

( poorly ):
Who's your little whozis? ♪

Who's your turtledove? ♪

Who's your turtledove? ♪

Who's your little whozis? ♪

Who do you--? ♪
Who do you--? ♪

You don't wanna help me?
( laughter )

Who's your little whatzis? ♪

Who's your little whatzis? ♪

That you're dreaming of ♪

That you're dreaming of ♪

Who's your little whozis? ♪

Who do you love? ♪

Who do you love? ♪

Tell me ♪

Who has you aflutter ♪

Whenever they're passing by? ♪

Melts your heart like butter ♪

Oh, me! Oh, my! Say ♪

When you get the blueses ♪

When you get the blueses ♪

Who you thinking of? ♪

Who you thinking of? ♪

Who's your little whozis? ♪

Who do you... ♪

( laughter )

Who do you... ♪

( laughter )

Who do you... ♪

Love, love!

Oh.
Love ♪

( laughter, applause )

Gee, you're cute!
Where you gonna play next week?

What are you,
a wise guy?

Just listen to them.

Honey, don't you think
you should have...?

The fellow take a bow?
Who?

The fellow in the box.

Oh, sure.

See what I mean.
If you just keep punching...

Oh, darling...

I don't know whether
I'll let you book him now.

Come in.

Hello, Mary.
Hello, Leo.

That's more like it.
Congratulations, Bill.

You know
Frank Darling here.

Oh, hi, Frank.
How are you?

Mrs. Miller.
Mrs. Miller, how do you do?

Well, Frank here wants to
book you on the Orpheum Circuit

for about ten
or 12 weeks.

What did I tell you, Mary?

That's right.

You and, uh,
what's-his-name.

Who?

The stooge in the box.

That's right.
Where is he?

Did you see him, Mary?
No, dear.

By the way,
what's his name?

What?
What's his name?

What's his name?

Well, no one told me.
I never saw him before.

That's fine.

Leo.
How should I know,

I've never seen him
before either.

Somebody better find him.
You're not kidding.

And when you do,
put a ring through his nose.

Gee, Ma, I didn't know
he was gonna ask me to sing.

And everybody
laughed at me.

Now, don't worry.
It's all over.

Ohh.

I ran
all the way home.

It's a wonder I didn't get
runned over.

Theodore,
it's done with.

Don't make
a big thing of it.

Big thing of it.
You should see this guy, Ma!

Boy, if he ever got
his hands on me,

he'd probably choke me
to death.

( automobile stopping )

Ma! Ma!

The man.
The man's coming!

Who's coming?
What are you talking about?

The guy! Ma,
the guy with the act!

Oh, Theodore!

Oh, Ma,
I gotta get out of here!

( knocks )

Ahhhh ha ha.

Ma.

Ma, don't say nothing.

Ma, shhh.
Theodore. What are you doing?

Don't say a word.
Give me your glasses, Ma.

Wh--?
Shh. He won't know me. Shh.

Theodore!

Coming!

Theodore, where are you?
Shhh.

Wrong apartment.

Does Ted Rogers live here?

Uh, Ted Rogers?

Uh... Mother,
didn't Ted say

he was going to South America
this afternoon?

Oh, who do we know there?

Uh, yes, that's right.

Yes, he left
this afternoon.

Fine boy.

Fine boy, that Ted.
Smart as a whip.

Hey, what are you
trying to do?

You wouldn't hit a man wearing
his mother's glasses, would you?

Now, look-- Now, listen--
( whines )

Ooh. Why, Uncle Sholum,
how did you get here?

No, Ma, it's me, Theodore.

Oh.

( giggles )

Now, look here,
mister,

it wasn't my fault
those people laughed at me.

You should never have
got me to stand up

and you shouldn't have had them
put that light on me.

I-- I didn't mean to...

W-Well, I apologize.
You apologize?

And you don't have to give me
the $6 for the cab back, even.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

I brought it over for you.
There you are.

Oh, thank you.

And here's your cap.

( laughs )

No, look, I had the orchestra
play the song up high

so the people
would laugh at you.

I had it planned
that way.

Oh, you wanted
they should laugh at me?

Oh, sure.

You hear that, Ma?
I was supposed to be funny.

( laughs )

( laughs like Mom )

Look, how much does
Mr. Robertson pay you a week?

Oh, 15 dollars a week.

But I owe him for the glass
in the office,

and I owe him for the glass
in the bookcase,

and this week, I think
for three stacks of records.

Mom...

take a look at a $40-a-week man,
all expenses paid.

What?
BILL: That's right.

I'm paying you 40 dollars a week
and expenses.

You're working for me.

Now, look here, sir, I am not
going to do anything dishonest,

even for that kind of money!

No, you do exactly
what you did today.

Sit in the box
and say all those things?

Right.

Do I get to sing?
You bet.

Even if I sing,
I still get paid?

Well, sure.

Ma...

( whispers ):
I'll ask him.

Mister, my mother and I
would like to know something.

Yes?

Are you for real?

Yeah, I'm for real.

We got a deal, kid?

We got a deal.
Okay.

Here, save the gags
for the act.

Well, I guess
the only thing

that can come between us
is dough.

( laughs )

( Mom laughs )

Hnng--

( chuckles )

( train chugging )

( whistle blowing )

Hey, how many of those carrots
you eat before going to bed?

Oh, lots of them.

They're very good
for your eyes.

Good for your eyes?

Sure. Did you ever see
a rabbit with glasses?

Oh, you want one?

No, thank you.

I've never been away
from home before.

( water splashing )

I don't know whether
my mother was crying

because she was happy
or because she was upset.

You know, you have
a wonderful wife, Mr. Miller.

She's so beautiful
and so nice.

Aren't you gonna brush
your teeth before you go to bed?

Well, of course.

there's crooks
on the train!

What do you mean?

Well, somebody stole
the sink!

I better go tell
the conductor.

They'll make us
pay for it.

Take it easy. All you do
is press the button,

pull the handle
and it's there.

BOTH: Ohhhhh.

( giggles )

( sighs angrily )

Oh, Mr. Miller!

Mr. Millerrrrrrrrrr!

Mr. Miller!

Oh, Mr. Miller!

You'd better get to bed
before you drown yourself.

Good night, Mr. Miller.

You...

go up there.

( somber theme playing )

You, up there.

( bonk )

Well, how am I supposed
to get up there?

Use the steps.
Use the steps.

Oh. Put this up there.

( thwack )

Mr. Miller?

Yes?

How do you put
these lights out?

There's a switch up there, kid.
Use it.

Mr. Miller.

What?

How far are we from New York?

Oh, I don't know.
About 200 miles.

Gee, I'm homesick.

No, that's just the carrots.

No. From carrots,
I get nauseous.

I'm just lonely.

Mr. Miller, my mother
sings me to sleep.

I am not your mother.

Huh. Isn't that silly?

I know you're not my mother

because my mother's a woman,

and you don't look
anything like my mother.

Besides, my mother
isn't married to Mary.

That's the most ridiculous thing
I ever heard, Mr. Miller.

Why, you could no more be
my mother than--

All right, go to sleep.
I'll sing to you.

Gee, thanks.

( soft, dreamy theme
playing )

With my eyes ♪

Wide open ♪

I'm dreaming ♪

Can it be true ♪

I'm holding you ♪

Close to my heart? ♪

With my eyes ♪

Wide open ♪

I'm dreaming ♪

You're with me now ♪

Sharing a vow ♪

Never to part ♪

I'm ♪

So afraid
to close my eyes ♪

Afraid that
I'll find ♪

This lovely thrill
is just ♪

Silly illusion ♪

With my eyes ♪

Wide open ♪

I'm dreaming ♪

Do I deserve ♪

Such a break? ♪

Pinch me to prove ♪

I'm awake ♪

I can't believe ♪

That you're ♪

Really ♪

Mine ♪

( lively theme playing )

I ♪

Feel a song coming on ♪

And I'm warning you, it's ♪

A victorious ♪

Happy and glorious ♪

Strain ♪

I ♪

Feel a song coming on ♪

It's a melody ♪

Full of the laughter ♪

Of children out after ♪

The rain ♪

( applause )

And now ♪
And now ♪

BOTH:
That our troubles are gone ♪

Let those heavenly drums
go on drumming ♪

'Cause I feel a song ♪

Coming on ♪

( applause )

Now, you'll be
all right.

There.

Hiya, Pop.

Did Mr. Miller get back
from the party yet?

He sure did.

( grunts )

Bill.

I got him.

There you are.

Ah, take your hands
off of me.

I'll take care of him, Pop.
How much time we got?

About six minutes.
Heinz is on now.

We don't have much time.
We gotta work fast.

Let go of me.
I'll get some black coffee.

I can take care of myself.
Okay.

Shhh. Bill, shhh.
Come on, stop.

I know it, I gotta get dressed
and I gotta go on. Here.

Don't "shush" me.
What, are you taking over?

What, are you head man
or something?

Bill, take it easy, Bill,
will you? Snap out of it.

We're going on
in five minutes.

I'm ready right now.

No, no.
Here, I'll help you.

There.

I'll help you dress, Bill.

Here's the coffee.

Oh, thank you.

Gahh!

Coffee, Mr. Winston?
No. Fine.

Stewed to the gills.

Oh, no, sir.
He's just tired.

Tired?
He's paralyzed.

Tell Heinz to stall.
Hurry up.

Come on, snap out of it, Bill.
Rogers, he'll never make it.

You'll have to go out there
alone and do something.

Me, alone? I can't.
What'll I do?

Do anything.
You're an actor, aren't you?

I am?

What're you gonna do
with that?

Well, in case
anyone throws anything,

I can hide behind it.

Gee, Mr. Winston,
I'm sorry about Mr. Miller.

He's never...

What is it?
Heinz stole three more bows.

He can't stall
any longer.

Come on, boy.

He's never done that before.

( groaning )

I don't think you know
what you're doing.

Never mind.
Get out there.

( band playing graceful music )
( applause )

Uh, hello.

Uh--
( clears throat )

Hello,
ladies and gentlemen.

I-I call you
ladies and gentlemen.

Y-you know what you are.

( laughter )

Um, I-I know you're out there.
I can hear you breathing.

( laughter )

Stop that!

You're not supposed
to laugh at me.

I'm not Bill Miller.

He sings like a bird.

I sing like a bird too,

a vulture.
( laughter )

I said, stop it. You're not
supposed to laugh at me.

I only came out here to tell you
what Bill Miller does.

He tells a lot of funny jokes,

like the one about
living over at the hotel.

He has a beautiful room.

I have one too,
that overlooks the park.

As a matter of fact,
it overlooks it completely.

( laughter )

It's a lot like,
uh, uh,

from where I come from,
in Brooklyn.

I come from a very tough
neighborhood in Brooklyn.

I was sort of head of the block.

Yeah, they all called me
"Blockhead."

( laughter )

W-would you like
to hear me sing a song?

( applause )

Would you please play
some music for me?

( romantic theme plays )

Wait a minute.

( music stops )

Hey, you.

Where do you think
you're going, mister?

Sit down, there.

You can't
walk out of here.

But I have--
Oh, no,

you can't walk out
on Bill Miller's act,

even when he isn't acting.

What do you want to do,

give us a bad name?
Sit down.

But I have to--
Oh, I don't care.

You sit down there.

( laughter )

( applause )

There too.
Now, you stay there,

and nobody else try
and walk out of the theater,

while I sing for
Bill Miller.

Where's my accordion?
Shhh.

Don't shush, quiet me.
I got to go on there.

You're on now,
and doing great.

What?

Every little breeze ♪

Seems to whisper "Louise" ♪

Birds in the trees ♪

Seem to twitter "Louise" ♪

Each little rose ♪

Tells me it knows ♪

I love you ♪

Love you ♪

( French accent ):
Every little beat ♪

That I feel in my heart ♪

Seems to repeat ♪

What I felt from the start ♪

( normal voice ):
Each little sigh ♪

Tells me that I ♪

( French accent ):
Adore you ♪

Louise ♪

( normal voice ):
Just to see ♪

And hear you ♪

Brings joy ♪

I never knew ♪

( speaks French )

( laughter )

( French accent ):
But to be ♪

So near you ♪

Thrills me ♪

Through and ♪

Throoooough ah ♪

Anyone can see ♪

Why I wanted your kiss ♪

( poorly ):
It had to be ♪

( French accent ):
But the wonder is this ♪

Can it be true ♪

( poorly ): Someone like you ♪
( laughter )

( French accent )
Someone like you ♪

Could love me ♪

Louise? ♪

( poorly ):
Louise ♪♪

( applause )

Where's Bill?
Bill's okay.

Smoke?

Oh, no, thanks.
They make me cough...

( coughs )
...even when I look at them.

Say,
you're a pretty funny fellow.

What's your name?
Rogers. Ted Rogers.

I've been wondering. I didn't
see you billed anywhere.

Oh, I don't care.

You make the act.
How much does he pay you a week?

Enough.

Does he get plastered
like this very often?

He never
gets plastered,

and he ain't
plastered now.

Boy,
you sure are touchy.

I'm just trying
to pay you a compliment.

I figured that sometime
if you ever get tired

of no dough
and no billing,

you can always--
Now, wait a minute, Mr. Heinz,

you can't say anything
against Bill Miller.

He took me
out of a stockroom, see?

I was only getting
$15 a week, see?

But I'm only trying to--
Now I'm getting $40, see?

TED:
How are you, Bill?

Get your hands away from me.

You know where you're going?

You're going back to Brooklyn.

That's where you're going.

Back to Brooklyn.

Take it easy, Bill.

Get your hands
away from me.

I know what I'm doing.

Take it easy.

Shhh.

He's resting.

Boy, can he use it.

Do you think we should call
a doctor or something?

Why not use a blotter?

I'll call a cab.
Thanks.

Mr. Winston...

you won't tell
anybody...

that he was sick,
will you?

Don't worry, I've had actors
getting sick on me before.

Thanks.
Thank you.

Good thing
you went out there.

You sure you never did
a single before?

I never did
nothing before...

and I'm never gonna
do nothing again.

Hey, just a minute.
Just a minute, buddy.

What do you think
you're doing?

Aw, just a second, buddy.

What do you think
you're doing?

( mumbling )

( phone ringing )

Well, shut up.
I'm having enough trouble.

Hello.

Hello. Who?

I feel like
A feather in the breeze ♪

No, he isn't in.
Wait just a minute.

La da da dah ♪

Ah ya d-- ♪

( muffled humming )

Hello?

Mary?

Hello, how are you?

Oh, um...

Wa-- Just a minute.
( humming )

We-- Just a minute.

( muffled humming )

Hello, Mary, how are you?
This is Ted.

Hello, Ted.
Fine, thanks.

Say, I've been reading
about you.

Oh, yeah.

( laughs )

Is Bill there?

Bill? Oh, he's fine.

Is he out?

Is he out?

Yeah, he's out.

Oh, I mean, he's out

playing a benefit, Mary,

for some society.

Yeah, he's fine.

Uh-huh.

All right, I'll tell him.

All right, Mary.

Bye. Good night.

( humming )

Shhh.

Shhh.

"Sensational.
Bill Miller,

exclusive management,
Leo Lyman."

That's
a beautiful ad,

and the picture
looks just like you.

What did Mary
say last night?

O-oh, nothing.

I mean, she just wanted
to know how you were,

et cetera, and so forth.

What did you say?

I said that
you hadn't come in yet,

that you were playing
a benefit.

Oh, you mean
you covered for me?

Ow!

I hope I didn't say
the wrong thing.

Wrong thing?

You're not mad?

No, I'm not mad.
Thanks.

We're friends?

We're friends.
( laughing )

( knocks )

Get that,
will you, kid?

Yeah.

What happened?

My leg fell asleep.

Hello.
Surprise.

( chuckles )
Well, Leo, what's the good word?

I was gonna send you a wire

but I figured it'd be better
if I came down myself

to Pittsburgh
to tell you the good news.

You know, you're not
the only one that's a ham.

The Palace, New York.

That's right.
Next Thursday.

Oh, boy, now my mother can come
and see me for free.

Oh, yes,
there's another thing,

in case
you're forgetting it.

Thursday is also
Mary's birthday.

That's right.

What other agent could arrange
for things like that?

How did you arrange to have
Mary born on Thursday?

Give me the coat.

Let go. Let go.

I'm not touching it.

Are you crazy?
You sewed it to the jacket.

I'm sorry, Mr. Miller.
It'll only take a second.

I'm sure glad you reminded me
of Mary's birthday.

Yeah.

Listen, kid...

when you get
that button straight,

send this off to Mary.

And send
some roses too.

Y-yes, sir.

Leo...

let's get some coffee
and talk money.

How could you find a subject
so close to my heart?

"Mrs. Bill Miller, 115 East 54th
Street, New York, New York.

"Home for your birthday.

Big surprise. Bill."

( clicks )

"Darling Mary.

"Home for your birthday.
Big surprise.

"I love you. Bill.

"P.S.

"Love from the kid."

( traffic )

All right,
open your eyes.

Happy birthday.

Oh, Bill,
what a wonderful present.

You're playing
the Palace.

I'm so proud
of you.

And they said
I couldn't do a single.

Well, there you are.

Oh, by the way, honey,

I want you to have
a big birthday party tonight.

Invite all the guys
that said I couldn't make it,

and some of your friends.

How about that?

That's fine,
just fine.

Oh, and I have
something else, Mary.

I wrote a song for you
on the train.

I wrote the words.
Bill wrote the music.

"A Girl Named Mary."

Why, thank you, Ted.
I know I'll love it.

Come on,
let's go, Mary.

Oh, yes.

Come on, kid.

William.
Well, Ben.

Hello, Mary.
Hello, Ben.

What are you doing here?
Here's where I lost you.

Here's where I
pick you up again.

Hello, Ted.

You developed
into quite an actor.

Ahh...
Uh, look, Mary,

I'm going back to take a look
at my dressing room.

Now, you stay here with Ben.
All right.

When I come back,
I'll buy you lunch.

Come on, kid.

Wanna tell Uncle Ben?

Well... don't you think

he should have Ted's name
around here somewhere?

Well, you know, I've got
a sneaking feeling

that he's saving
that grand gesture

until he's a big hit
here at the Palace.

You really think so?

Sure.

Yeah, this looks all right.
Put the stuff here.

Now, get some lunch
and I'll see you later, kid.

Thank you.

( knocks )

Come in.

( sweet, emotional theme
playing )

Oh...
Hello, handsome.

Gee, I'm glad
you made good.

Is that so?
Sure.

I've been following
your tour.

What for?

Because I think
you're cute.

Why isn't your picture
in the lobby?

You're pretty fresh,
ain't you?

How did you get in here?

I told the doorman
I was your girl.

My girl. What are you trying
to do, ruin me?

You get out of here.
It ain't right

for you to be
in my dressing room.

I mean,
Mr. Miller's dressing room.

Okay, I'm going.

But when you start
thinking about girls,

I want you
to think about me.

I ain't gonna
think about girls.

You shave, don't you?

Yeah,
I started to shave.

You'll be thinking
about them.

So long.

WOMAN:
Hello, handsome.

Hello, handsome.

Hello, handsome.

Hello, handsome.

( coughs )

( exotic theme playing )

Come with me to the Casbah.

( deep voice ):
Come with me to the Casbah.

"Hi, cutie,

"in case you want to return
this handbag,

"my phone number is
Dewey 6-9098.

"My address is
642 Greenpoint Avenue.

"You take the shuttle
at 42nd Street,

"change at
Grand Central Station,

"take Williamsburg subway
to Brooklyn.

"Get off at Havenhurst.

"Then walk three blocks south.

"Second apartment house
on the left,

"third floor on the right.

"And if you get lost,
ask a policeman.

"But for the next hour,

I'll be in the drugstore
around the corner."

( upbeat theme playing )
( indistinct chatter )

( laughter )

Oh, hey,
wait a minute!

What is it?
Don't you want your soda?

This is a very funny way for
a lady to try and meet a fellow,

leave her purse on the seat
and then come next door--

Well, I just wanted
to meet you.

Well, why don't you get
yourself introduced?

Oh, excuse me.

My name's Jennie Tait

and this fellow's name
is...

What did you say
your name was?

Ted Rogers.

Would you please
introduce us?

( clears throat )

Mr. Rogers?

Yeah?

May I present
Miss Genevieve Tait.

Pleased to meet you.

Now, will you have
your soda?

Uh-huh.

( slurps )

How did you know
I like chocolate?

Did anyone ever tell you
you're adorable?

No.

Well, you are.

You might not believe this,
but I was a very ugly child.

( band playing soft music )

Stop looking at the watch, Mary.
He'll be here.

Look at the kid.

Oh, uh,
Frecklehead--

I mean,
Miss Tait,

this is
Mrs. Miller

and this is
Mr. Lyman.

Hello.

Er, did I
do it all right?

You certainly did.

Happy to know you, Miss Tait.
Hello.

Her name is
really Genevieve,

but I think it best
we all call her Frecklehead.

Okay, Frecklehead.
Frecklehead.

Is it all right
that I brought her to the party?

Of course.
I'm delighted to have her.

I'm glad of that,
Mrs. Miller.

Congratulations
on your birthday.

Why, thank you.
Have a nice time.

Thank you,
we will.

Genevieve.

Er, Frecklehead.

Gee, she's nice.

And pretty.

You're pretty too.

Did you always have freckles?

Yes, and I hate them.

I think
they're very becoming.

It just goes to show
what you know.

What do you wanna do,
start something?

I'm sorry, Leo.

You know he wouldn't
stay away unless it was

someone or something
very important, Mary.

It's always someone
or something.

Leo, you've known him
for so long.

Why is he so thoughtless
of everyone?

He's just going through
a stage now, Mary.

He just hit "Ol' Man River"
success.

Maybe the water's
a little bit too deep for him.

But don't worry.
They all come ashore.

I-- I know
this is just ambition.

Down deep inside,

there's a wonderful,
sweet guy.

I found it once...

and I'll bring it out
again.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Let's have a drink.

To Mary and Bill.

He wouldn't like
the billing.

( simple, pleasant theme
playing )

This is
where I live.

Oh.

Well...

...good night.

I had
a wonderful time.

Well, good night.

I'll see you.

I hope so.

Thanks for everything.

That's all right.

Frecklehead,

you know I...

I wonder--
Yes?

Well, I never kissed
a girl before, and...

Well...
You never what?

You heard me. I never kissed
a girl before in my whole life.

You're sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Never mind.
Oh, just a minute.

I'm never gonna
do that again.

Did it do something
to you?

It had no effect on me
whatsoever.

( crashing )

Ba-aaaaa-aaaa-ha.

Mary.

( knocks )
Mary.

( sobs )

I'm sorry I missed
the party, honey,

but I couldn't help it.

( sniffles )

Oh, Mary, please don't cry.

I love you, honey.

Honest, I do.

But I was so excited.

I want to tell you
about Sutherland and everything.

I don't care about you
or Sutherland or anyone.

But he wants me
in the revue, honey.

He gave me a contract
to look over.

Here, look under the door.
I'll show it to you.

Okay.

What's the matter?

She locked me out.

Really?

Is that legal?
Shhh.

I'm sorry. You don't have to
get sore. I was just asking.

You know,
you may not think

that in this head
anything can happen,

but it can. I got an idea.
Listen.

( indistinct whispering )

You got it?
Yeah.

( accordion plays )

Shhh.

I'm sorry.

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

a new song written by
two very talented boys,

especially for the birthday
of Mrs. Bill Miller.

( slow, passionate theme
playing )

The world looks rosy ♪

Up on Sweetheart Hill ♪

For a girl named Mary ♪

And a boy named Bill ♪

"Come on, get cozy" ♪

Says the whippoorwill ♪

To a girl named Mary ♪

And a boy named Bill ♪

Where there's a sky ♪

That's full of moonlight ♪

And a Mary full of charms ♪

There ought to be a William ♪

Snuggled in her arms ♪

So if I kiss you ♪

And I think I will ♪

Believe me,
it's the only thing ♪

To do ♪

For you're my Mary ♪

And I'm your Bill ♪

And it's wonderful ♪

To be in love with you ♪♪

Oh, Bill.

Mrs. Miller, we're going out
and celebrating.

At this hour?

Sure. I'll find a club open
or I'll open one.

Now, what would people say?

A big star seen out in public
with his own wife.

It's too normal.

We'll take Ted along
as a chaperone.

( giggles )

Oh, I can't help it,

it's so romantic.

( festive dance music
playing )

Waiter, some more
champagne, please.

Yes, sir.

( pop )

Oh, excuse me.

Don't you think
Ted's had enough?

( whispers ):
He's all right.

You whispering
about me?

Oh, no. What gives you
that idea?

I don't know.

Am I being
very extraordinary?

( hiccups )
"Hextraordinary,"

that's a funny one.

How do you feel?

I feel very...

...glingglong,
thank you.

Glingglong?

( applause )

Thank you, thank you
very much.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

We don't usually do this,

but there's
a young man here

I'd like
to have you meet.

He's just scored
a terrific hit

at the Palace Theatre.
Mr. Bill Miller!

Thank you. Excuse me,
will you, honey?

Thank you, Tommy.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you,
but this isn't my night at all.

We have a young lady
in the audience

who's celebrating
her birthday.

And by a very strange
coincidence,

I have written a new song,
especially for her.

And maybe we can get her up here
to sing this song.

She happens to be my wife,
and also the great

Sutherland Revue star,
Miss Mary Turner.

( applause )

Hiya, Big Shot.

Hiya, Heinz.

Pardon me.

Mary, you say something
sensational to the people

and I'll talk
with the piano player.

Thank you.
It's very gracious of my husband

to ask me to sing a song,

particularly this song,
"A Girl Named Mary."

Music by Bill Miller,
words by Ted Rogers.

The world looks rosy ♪
Oh, what a rosy-colored hue ♪

Up on Sweetheart Hill ♪
Even a cabaret will do ♪

For a girl named Mary ♪
Mary is what I answer to ♪

And a boy named Bill ♪

Well, what do you know,
that must be you ♪

"Come on, get cozy" ♪
Oh, what a wonderful idea ♪

Says the whippoorwill ♪
How did he ever get in here? ♪

To a girl named Mary ♪
My, what a most peculiar sky ♪

And a boy named Bill ♪

Pardon me,
did you drop a sigh? ♪

BOTH:
Where there's a sky
that's full of moonlight ♪

And a Mary full of charms ♪

There really ♪

Ought to be a William ♪

Right! ♪

BOTH:
Snuggled in her arms ♪

So if I kiss you ♪

What makes you think
you won't? ♪

And I think that I will ♪
You're crazy if you don't ♪

Believe me ♪

It's the only thing ♪

To do ♪

So true ♪

For you're my Mary ♪

And you're my Bill ♪

Your Bill ♪

BOTH:
And it's wonderful
to be in love with you ♪

Hello, Heinz.

Oh, you'd better not
drink any more.

If I want to celebrate
for my pal Bill,

I can celebrate.

This is for your own good.

Come over here with me.

I want to tell you
something, alone.

Come on, come on, come on.

BOTH:
Believe me,
it's the only thing to do ♪

For you're my Mary ♪
Mary, yes ♪

And you're my Bill ♪

BOTH:
And it's wonderful ♪

To be in love ♪

With you ♪

( song ends )

( applause )

Where's Ted?

I don't know.

Look, get smart,
will you, kid?

If anything happens to you,
your pal Bill,

he's gonna starve
to death.

Why, he's nothing but
a third-rate, broken-down ham.

( people gasp )
BILL: Hey, what happened?

You all right,
kid?

Yeah.
You sure?

He never touched me.

Oh.

( laughs )

I took care of him
pretty good.

You were wonderful.

Yeah, but I had to
hold back a little.

I didn't wanna hurt him
too bad.

Sure, sure.
Here, off with the coat.

Now come on.
Off with the coat.

A girl named Mary ♪

Is not contrary ♪

I'll turn
the covers down.

She'll turn
the covers down.

Yeah. You'll go
right to bed.

Bed?
( laughs )

What's playing there?

You think I'm drunk.

Well, as they say
in the Klondike,

"Fara-a-lito-garn-a-lendo."

Garn-a-lendo.

You know
what that means?

"Stinking drunk."

( laughs )

So let's have
a little drink.

Oh, no, oh, no.
You're going to bed.

Going to bed?
Sure, you're going to bed.

I don't know anybody in bed.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Here we go...

Come on, come on.

Now here we go.
Here we go.

That's a wonderful song.

Oh, beautiful song.

A boy named Mary ♪

And a girl called Joe ♪

Joe?
That's a wonderful song.

Bill love Mary?

Huh?

That's right.

Mary love Bill?

Huh?

That's right.

Because I love
the both of you.

Don't you believe me?

Yeah.
Yes.

( whistles )

Bill, you're the luckiest fellow
in the whole world

because Mary loves you.
Yeah, I'm lucky.

If Mary loved me,
I wouldn't ever leave her.

I wouldn't either.
Never leave her.

I'll never leave her.

Even if I was
on the stage,

I wouldn't ever
leave her.

And I know that.

Because Mary's wonderful,
Bill.

You're wonderful, Mary.
Thank you, Ted.

Yeah, Mary's a champ.

And you'll never ever
you'll leave her?

I'll never you'll ever
you'll leave her.

You're sure, Bill?
I'm sure, Bill.

No, I'm Ted.
Yeah.

A girl named Mary ♪

Ted.

Ted.
Eh?

Wake up.
I'm up.

Come on.
I'm up.

Get up. Come on,
let's go.

All right.

Let's go, Ted.
Let's go, Ted.

Come on, Ted, let's go.
Let's go.

You all right?
Yeah.

Okay.

No, here we go.
Here we go.

Come on, here we go. Wake up.
Come on, here we go.

Come on. Here we go.
Here we go.

All right, now,
are you okay?

Here we go.

Okay. Ted. Here we go.

Come on, now.
Oh!

What's the matter?
What's that?

Oh, that's your head.
That's okay.

Now, stay right there.

Hold it.
( groans )

Here's some coffee.
It'll fix you up.

Ted! Here we go, now!
Come on, up.

Upsy-daisy, here we go.

Oh, my head!

That's mine.

Now, come on. I gotta see
Sutherland and I'm late now.

Oh, who?
Sutherland.

Now, come on, let's go.
All right.

Are you all right? Okay!
Okay.

You sure you're all right?
I'm sure I'm all right.

You feel fine?
I feel fine.

You feel okay?
I feel okay.

All right.
All right. I'm okay. I'm okay!

Sorry, gentlemen.

Excuse me.
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Sutherland.

It looks okay
to me, Bill.

Okay?
Yeah.

Where do I sign?
Right here.

Don't you want to read it first?
Check on your salary?

Oh, there'll be no checks.
I want all my money in cash.

I'm nervous.

What's my name?

Ted Rogers.

( snorts )
I forgot.

Excuse me,
Mr. Sutherland,

but could I
use your phone, please?

Certainly.

Thank you. Here.

Thanks.

Hello, operator,
would you be good enough

to get me
Greenpoint 7-9970?

Ah-ha.

( loudly ):
Hello, Ma!

Hey, Ma, look at me.

I'm in Mr. Sutherland's Revue.

No! No, Ma,
I'll keep my clothes on.

And a boy named Bill ♪

Well, hi.
Hi. What's all the excitement?

Oh, I...

What are you hiding?

What is that?

Oh, it's just a telegram
from C.B. Cochran in London.

He wants me to star
in his new revue,

just in case you think
I'm an old has-been.

Well, you tell Mr. Cochran
to go peddle his papers.

Happy day-after-your-birthday.

Oh, Bill!

This must have cost
a fortune!

Well, you know
what everybody says,

"Money isn't everything,

and I'm the guy
that keeps proving it."

You know something?

You've got your arms
around a guy

who's gonna star
in Sutherland's Revue.

Really?

Signed, sealed and delivered
this afternoon.

Ted too?
Well, sure.

Everywhere I go,
Ted goes too.

I hope so.

What do you mean,
"I hope so"?

Well, I...

I thought after you opened
at the Palace,

it would've been nice
if you'd given him

some kind
of recognition.

Now, look, honey, will you
leave the kid to me?

I know how to handle him.

He's happy, I'm happy,
you're happy.

We're a big hit.

I guarantee I'll always
take care of the kid.

You promise?

You won't ever treat him
like a...

Like a what?

You know...

Like a nobody.
A stooge.

I promise.

A boy named Mary ♪

And a girl named Bill ♪

Hello.
BILL: Hi.

MARY:
Hello, Ted.

Listen, I wanted to
ask you something.

Since
the both of you

are practically
my mother and my father,

and I wouldn't do a thing
without consulting you,

and after we open
and we're a big hit...

( laughs )
After we open

and we're a big hit,
and after I'm married,

what should I do, buy a house
or rent an apartment?

Well, whom are you
going to marry?

Whom am I going to marry?

I am going to marry
Miss Genevieve Tait.

Frecklehead, that's whom.

Well, I suggest
you ask Miss Frecklehead

whether she'd rather live
in a house or an apartment.

Oh, no, I have to disagree
with you there, Mary,

because I feel it is
the husband's place to decide.

Well, she's gonna live there
with you.

She is?

I mean, she is.

That's right.
Yeah.

Would you do me a favor, Mary?
If I can.

The next time you see
Frecklehead,

will you ask her
to ask me

to ask her
to marry her?

Because I'm gonna
ask her.

Well,
I'll do my best.

Gee, thanks,
Mary. Bye.

My best too.

( laughs )

( children playing )

Freckle--
( clears throat )

Frecklehead?
Yes?

I wanted to ask you...

Yes?

Well, I thought that maybe
you and me could...

Yes?

I mean,
if the two of us were...

Yes?

Oh.

Here.

How about it?

Not until you ask me.

Would you consider marrying
a fellow who sits up in a box?

( sobs )

Well, what are
you bawling about?

Try it on.

Go ahead, try it on.

I'd love to marry you...

but I gotta tell you
something first.

Can't you tell me
after we're married?

No, it's very important.

I think
you're a big dope

because you're letting
Bill Miller make a fool of you.

Wait a minute!
I won't wait a minute!

He's making a fool of you!

Frecklehead, Bill Miller
is my friend.

And besides, whatever we do
is no business of yours!

If I'm gonna marry you,
it's a lot of my business!

Well, wait until
after we're married, then!

Okay!

Okay!

( sobbing )

USHER:
Curtain going up.
First aisle to the right.

Curtain going up.
Straight ahead, please.

First aisle to the right.

BILL:
Well, I'm happy, so happy
When you're near ♪

My troubles just disappear ♪

As soon as you're by my side
well, I'm satisfied ♪

I feel like
a feather in the breeze ♪

Having my fun
kissing the sun ♪

And it's because
you're the one ♪

So I'm singing
like the birdies in the trees ♪

And feeling like a feather
feeling like a feather ♪

Feeling like a feather
in the breeze ♪

( applause )

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

Now, if there's any song
you'd like to hear,

just call it out and I'd be
glad to do it for you.

"Just One More Chance."
What?

"Just One More Chance,"

and I'd like to hear you play
it on that zither.

"Thither"?
This isn't a zither.

No?
Then what ith it?

What ith it?

Well, thith ithn't a thither.

Yeth, what ith it?

Well, thith ith a...

Thith ith--
Now he's got me doing it.

This is an Italian lavaliere.
This is a burden around my neck.

You know what a burden is,
don't you?

( laughs )
Sure.

A bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to sing a song...

Thanks for the warning.
Hear, hear.

I'll have you know
that my aunt gave me

$10,000
to cultivate my voice.

Really?

Just one more chance ♪
Hey. Hey. Hey!

To-- ♪
( yells ): Hey!

What is it?

You said your aunt
gave you $10,000

to cultivate your voice?
That's right.

What did you do
with the money?

( laughter )

You still wanna hear
"Just One More Chance"?

Yeah, and I'd like to
hear it today.

( laughter )

( plays relaxing music )

You like my playing?

Sure, cut the cards.

I mean,
do you like the music?

Oh, it's fine. All you need now
is a monkey and a tin cup.

Come around tomorrow,
I'll have the tin cup.

( laughter )

Look, you keep this up
and I'm gonna have you evicted.

( gasps )

What's the matter?

You said a dirty word!

I only said "evicted."

You said it again!

You keep this up and I'm gonna--
Don't you say that word again!

It only means "ejected."

( gasps )
( laughter )

That's dirtier
than the other one!

( laughter )

That does it.
Yousher-- Usher!

Get him out of here.
You're not gonna let me sing?

Why don't you stop it?

If you have any talent,
come on down here.

Okay. It's easier looking
at the audience than at you.

( laughter )

( band plays
heroic fanfare music )

( grunting )

( laughter )

Get off the stage.

I hope you're satisfied
with the way you embarrassed me

in front of everybody.

Lookit, the whole audience
is staring at me.

Stare back at them.

No,
better they stare at you.

Go on, get off the stage,
and take this with you.

( discordant note )

All right, I'll go.
Get off.

But you'll be sorry.
Get off!

I'll get even with you.
Get off the stage!

I don't know how or when,
but I will, boy.

( slight laughter )
( band plays mellow music )

Just one more chance ♪

To prove it's you alone
I care for ♪

Each night I say a little
prayer for ♪

Just one more chance ♪
( laughter )

( phone buzzes )
I'm busy!

( electricity crackling )

I've learned the meaning
of repentance ♪

Now you're the jury
at my trial ♪

I know that I should serve
my sentence ♪

Still I'm hoping all the while
you'll give me ♪

Just one more word ♪

I said that I was glad
to start out ♪

But now I'm back to cry
my heart out ♪

For just one more chance ♪

Mr. Miller!

Mr. Miller!
Mr. Miller, get me down!

Help me down!

Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller!

( laughter )

( wails )

( laughter )

Just one more chance ♪
Look what I got for you.

To prove it's you alone
I care for ♪

I picked it just for you
out of my garden

Each night I say a little
prayer for ♪

Look at all the trouble
I went through to get it.

Just one more chance ♪

Just one more night ♪

To taste the kisses
that enchant me ♪

I'd want no others
if you'd grant me ♪

What?
Just one more chance ♪

Ah.

I've learned the meaning
of repentance ♪

I'm glad because I spoke
to the fellows last year

and how they felt--

Now, you're the jury
at my trial ♪

Your Honor,
this man had a murder--

I know that I should serve
My sentence ♪

It's gonna be
all right, Rockie.

You gotta have faith
in your attorney.

I spoke to Fred Sunday and he
said if he can get you out...

Still I'm hoping all the while
you'll give me ♪

What, what?

Just one more word ♪
Word.

W-O-R-D.

Spelled backwards, "Drow."

Spelled backwards, "Drow."

( laughs )

( coughs )

I said that I was glad
to start out ♪

What made you come back?

Well, Mother said
if I came back,

she'd give me the car,
so I...

But now I'm back
to cry my heart out ♪

I know how you feel.
Don't cry,

because it's those feelings
of a man who certainly...

For just
one more chance ♪

I hear you talking, babe ♪

Say just one more chance ♪

( applause )

( beautiful mood music playing )
I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Oh.

How are they?
How are they, how are they?

Wait till you see
what they said about me.

Look at this.
"New Revue Smash Hit."

Here. "One of the highlights
of the evening was the box act

"of Bill Miller
and Ted Rogers.

"It's a long time since Broadway
has seen a fellow

"as funny as the man in the box.

"And, incidentally,

"though he wasn't billed
anywhere

"in the theater last night,

"his name is Ted Rogers.

Make a note, everybody--
Ted Rogers."

Well, how about a drink,
everybody?

That's a good idea. Go ahead,
Bill, you make the toast.

I'd like to propose a toast
to a wonderful guy--

Mr. Sutherland.

Well, anyone like to dance
with an agent?

Yes, I'd love to.

Hello, Mary.
Sit down.

What's on your mind?

Leo, do you think Bill
has any intention

of putting
Ted's name up

and recognizing him
as a partner?

I don't either.

Never found that sweet,
wonderful guy underneath,

after all, huh, Mary?

Maybe there is
a nice guy underneath, but...

I'm tired of digging.
( phone buzzes )

Yes?

It's Bill.
He's outside.

I don't want him
to know I'm here.

Just a minute.

Come in here.

All right, send him in.

Well, Leo,
looks like I hit the jackpot.

You ever read such reviews?

Tell you what I want, Leo--

Full page ads, back page.

Variety, Billboard, all
the trade papers in the country.

Shoot the works.

Full-page picture
of me--

What about the kid?
What about him?

Well, I think
you ought to have

his picture
and his name on the ads,

right alongside of yours.

Well, I don't.

Well, everybody else does--

critics, all your friends,
even your wife.

Look, Leo,
no critic's gonna tell me

how to run my business.

Neither are my friends
or my wife.

This is my act. Bill Miller,
single-O.

The kid's all right.

Nobody likes him
better than I do.

There's something you wise guys
don't understand.

Once that kid's name
is mentioned,

then he's no more
part of the audience.

And when that happens,
he stops being funny.

You're right, and I'd agree
with you 100 percent

if the kid was an
ordinary stooge. But he's not.

He's half your act.

Sure, and he's gone over
that way

because he's still a member
of the audience. Unknown.

LEO:
Bill, you're a phenomenon.

I've handled hundreds
of actors in my time,

but you take all the prizes.

You're a ham
with a double M.

What's that?
It's our contract.

Are you serious?
Yep.

I woke up this morning
and it suddenly occurred to me,

you have to let
the other fellow live.

Unless you do,
the whole thing is nothing.

All my life,
I've wanted to do one thing

as a matter of principle.

Well, today, I am a man.

That was a mighty pretty speech
you just made.

What's going on here?
But yours wasn't.

Your little speech was petty
and kind of cheap.

I'm surprised you didn't cancel
him a long time ago, Leo.

Well, if that's the way
he feels, I don't need him.

You're right, Bill.
You don't need him, either.

And every day it'll be
someone else you don't need.

And one night, you'll be
sitting around all by yourself

in front of a pile
of your own photographs.

Well, from now on, you may
consider our contract at an end.

Mary, you don't mean that.

( plays sad, lonely music )

Well, what's the matter
with you?

Oh, nothing.

Come on.
What is it?

I don't know
if I should say it.

Go ahead and say it.

What are you gonna do
about Mary, Bill?

You got any ideas?

No.

Except I don't think
you ought to let her go away.

It's a free country,
isn't it?

Sure, Bill.

But she loves you,
and if...

there's something wrong,
I think you ought to...

go to her and try
and straighten it out.

Maybe it's none
of my business but--

That's right.

It's none
of your business.

Yeah, maybe it's not.

So shut up.

You know...

I think you had a lot to do
with Mary leaving me.

Oh, don't say that,
Bill.

All that stuff about
anything I do is okay with you.

I knock my brains out trying
to make something of myself.

And you, you with
your checkered suit.

What do I get for it?

You're talking crazy,
Bill.

You shouldn't be
thinking that way.

I don't like
to hear it.

You don't like it?

Well, that's tough.
I don't like it.

I'm sick and tired
of looking at you anyway.

You really mean that?

Okay, Bill.

I'll move out of
the apartment tonight.

That makes
two of us.

Bye, Bill.

Don't drink too much.

Remember, you got
a show to do tonight.

You bet
I got a show to do.

I'll show everybody.

Gee, Mary, I wish you weren't
going to Europe.

Thanks, Frecklehead,
but...

it'll be good for me
to get away.

Doctors say nothing like
an ocean voyage--

( phone rings )

Answer it,
please.

Sure.

Hello?

Oh, just a minute,
Mr. Sutherland.

( whispering ):
It's Sutherland.

I'll take it.

Hello, Mr. Sutherland.

Mary, I hate to bother you,
but we've quite a problem.

Bill's insisting upon going on,
but there's no Ted.

He and the kid have broken up.
I can't find him anywhere.

And Bill wants to do a single.

Bill's all right. He's just been
trying to prove something

since the day he was born.

Mr. Sutherland,
would you do me one big favor?

Let Bill do his single.

But, Mary, that's too risky.

One act would never make
or break the Sutherland Revue,

but it might make or break
a great guy.

Please, Mr. Sutherland.

For me?

For his sake?

Let him go on.

So this panhandler walked
over to me and said,

"I haven't had a bite
in three days." So I bit him.

Which reminds me, I was standing
in front of the Hotel Astor...

That's where I live,
in front of the Hotel Astor...

When my wife came up
to see me.

You know, my wife and I
were gonna get a divorce,

but we couldn't figure out
who...

got the custody of her mother.

( murmurs )

Which reminds me, I took my
mother-in-law to the beach,

but the only thing that got
sunburned was her tongue.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I want to apologize.

This is
the Sutherland Revue...

which is supposed to bring you
the finest entertainment

that can be offered.

You've heard of an act,
Bill Miller.

And Bill Miller is me.

But I'm only half an act.

The fellow
that made the act work

is a little guy
by the name of...

Ted Rogers.

And he isn't here tonight.

I can play an accordion
and sing a song.

But I need that spark,
that something...

the chemistry that makes
two men a successful team.

I've bored you, and...

I've imposed upon you.

I've done an injustice
to an audience.

This is the biggest sin
in show business.

To be a ham.

I humbly apologize.

Who's
your little whozis?

None of your...
( laughter )

business.

Who's your turtledove?

( applause )

Who's your turtledove?

Who's your turtledove? ♪
Who's your turtledove? ♪

Who's your little
who-hoozis? ♪

Who do you love? ♪

You mean you finally learned
the words?

Listen to this.

( exactly like Bill ):
Who's your little
whatzis? ♪

Not bad, huh?

( exactly like Ted ):
That you're dreaming of ♪

I've been
paying attention too.

BOTH:
Who's your little whozis? ♪

Who do you love? ♪

Take it, boy.
Nah, you take it.

Tell me who
has you aflutter ♪

Whenever they're
passing by ♪

Melts your heart
like butter ♪

Oh, me, oh, my ♪

Say, when you get
the blueses ♪

When you get
the blueses ♪

Who you thinking of? ♪
Who you thinking of? ♪

BOTH:
Who's your little whozis? ♪

Who do you love? ♪

( laughter )

Ooph.

( mumbling gibberish )

Haaaa!

( applause )

Who's your little whozis? ♪

A girl named Mary ♪

And a boy named Bill ♪

Who's your turtledove? ♪

BOTH:
It's so wonderful ♪

To be in love ♪

With you ♪

( applause, cheering )

( band plays reprise )

( thud )