Original subtitles

The Simpsons.

Brought to you by: I.L.G.

Selling your body's chemicals after you die.

And by:

A subsidiary of I.L.G.

Oh, hi.

I didn't hear you come in.

Welcome to my home.

Say, did I hear some carolers?

Rum-pa-pum-pum.

Come, they told me...

Hey, it's respected private citizen.

Tom Landry.

And South American sensation

shoo... shi... sha...

shoo... sha... she...

shu... shu... boy.

Now, stay tuned

for a video Christmas card from Tupac Shakur.

Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.

Christmas is a time when people of all religions

come together to worship Jesus Christ.

- Boring! - Boring!

HELP!

You want excitement?!

Shove this up your stocking!

Whoa!

Hmm. That looks entertaining.

Oh yeah...

So tell your folks: "Buy me: Bonestorm!

Or go to hell!"

Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!

Bart!

Young man, in this house

we use a little word called "please."

It's the coolest video game ever.

I'm sorry, honey

but those games cost up to and including $70.

And they're violent and they distract you from your schoolwork.

Those are all good points, but the problem is

they don't result in me getting the game.

I know how you feel, Bart.

When I was your age,

I wanted an electric football game

more than anything in the world.

And my parents bought it for me

and it was the happiest day of my life.

Well, good night.

Oh, I'll never get that game.

Tuck-in time.

All aboard the sleepy train to visit Mother Goose.

Barty's stop is Snoozy Lane.

To rest his sweet caboose.

Mom, I'm not a little kid anymore.

Tuck-in time is lame.

Well, if loving my kids is lame,

then I guess I'm just a big lame.

Mom, it's lame to be proud of being lame.

Well, life is like a box of chocolates.

Mom! No, Mom!

...what you're gonna get.

Ninety-nine cents!

I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm.

Here's 99 cents.

Allow me to summarize

the proposed transaction.

You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents.

Net profit to me: Negative $59.

Oh, oh, please take my $59.

I don't want it.

It's yours.

Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm

I shall close the register at this point and state

that 99 cents is the rental price.

Oh. Then may I please rent it, please?

You may not. I am all out.

Though I do have a surprising abundance

of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

Milhouse has Bonestorm!

This is great!

And all I've done is enter my name...

Thrillhouse.

Say, cool dude, can I play too?

Uh, it's only a one-player game.

Then how come it says "second player score"?

Mom, Bart's swearing!

- No, no. - Hey. What the hell?

- Out, right now. - Damn it, I wasn't swearing.

Out!

Maybe if I stand next to the games looking sad

someone will feel sorry for me and buy me one.

Gavin, don't you

already have this game?

No, Mom, you idiot.

I have Bloodstorm and Bonesquad

and Bloodstorm II, stupid.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

We'll take a Bonestorm.

Get two. I'm not sharing with Caitlin.

That must be the happiest kid in the world.

Psst. Hey, Simpson.

Check this out.

Look what I got!

It's the kind I like.

Are you guys shoplifting?

Four-finger discount, dude.

Shoplifting is a victimless crime

like punching someone in the dark.

Go ahead-a, Bart.

Take-a the Bonestorm.

The store, she so rich.

She'll-a never notice.

Duh, it's the company's fault

for making you want it so much.

Don't do it, son.

How's the game going to help your putting?

Just take it!

Take it! Take it!

Take it!

I'm outside.

I got away with it.

I'm free.

Sir, would you open your coat, please?

Uh, I don't think this is the kind of coat that opens.

Please step back in the store, sir.

That boy's parents must have made

some terrible mistakes.

Shut up, Mom!

Here you go, little fella.

No, no, not for him.

Oh... I see.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure.

You might remember me from such public service videos

as "Designated Drivers... The Life-Saving Nerds"

and "Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness".

I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting

thereby completing my plea bargain

with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills.

Shoplifting began here in ancient Phoenicia.

Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop

in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within.

Oh, Sheheqazaramesh, will you ever learn?

Flash forward to ancient Babylonia...

All right, show's over.

E-excuse me?

You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

No.

Don't smart off to me, smart guy.

I could pay for the game.

I'll pay for it.

That kind of mush might fly at Lamps Plus

but don't peddle it here.

If I wanted smoke blown up my ass

I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes

and a short length of hose.

That's it, Mr. Comedian.

I'm calling your parents.

Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Simpson?

This is Detective Don Brodka

from Try-N-Save security.

That's right, Don Brodka.

Your son Bart has been caught shoplifting.

Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but, well...

try and have a merry Christmas.

They weren't home. Uh-huh.

But I left a message on their answering machine.

That's right.

Um, okay.

I've really, really, learned my lesson.

Can I please go now?

Yeah, get out of my sight.

Hey, kid.

One more thing.

If you ever set foot in this store again

you'll be spending Christmas in Juvenile Hall.

Capice?

Well, do you understand?

Everything except capice.

Lousy stinking piece of crap.

Got to change that answering machine tape.

Oh God, I got to change that tape!

Got to change Maggie.

Dear God, we got to change Maggie!

Hmm, we didn't have a message when we left.

How very odd.

Hello, muddah.

Hello, faddah.

Here I am at Camp Granada...

Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?

Now to put this tape

where no one will ever listen to it.

Homer, didn't you get any milk?

All I see is egg nog.

'Tis the season, Marge.

We only get 30 sweet, noggy days

then the government takes it away again.

I think I'm having chest pains.

- Bart, get your suit on. - What for?

We're getting our Christmas picture taken.

You lucked out, Marge, my man

'cause I'm in a smiling mood today.

Well good, so get ready

and before you know it we'll be at the Try-N-Save.

Try-N-Save?

Oh, my teapots are ready.

If you ever set foot in this store again

you'll be spending Christmas

in Juvenile Hall...

Juvenile Hall... Juvenile Hall...

Stand behind the yellow line!

You will now receive your Christmas presents

donated by the Port Authority lost and found office.

Pass your chit to Santa to receive your gift!

If you do not have a chit, you will not receive a gift.

Wow, the March 8th newspaper.

Cool! A book of carpet samples.

Come on, new bike.

Oh, a soiled wig.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Bart, what's taking so long?

If you're having that problem with your zipper

I can send your father up.

Oh, no, I'm not.

What's the matter with your face?

Is that a fake nose?

Are you wearing chin putty?

I don't have to listen to these wild allegations.

Please, Bart, no more pranks.

It would mean so much to me

if we could have

just one nice family photo.

Hey!

I don't remember saying that!

Uh-oh, almost forgot to lock the doors.

I hope you're going

to the Valley Vista Try-N-Save, kid

'cause you don't want to come to my store.

Cat-feesh?

So we're just going to do this photo and get out, right?

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

I want to look at the pets

and write things on the typewriters

and see if the new dictionaries are in!

Okay.

I want to price some flip-flops

and smell the new tires

and consult the pharmacist for some free medical advice.

Sure, we're going to have a great day.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

Right, Bart?

Bart?

What's wrong, honey?

Somebody's got tired little legs.

Mmm, wonder where the flip-flops are...

Menswear?

Maybe it's sporting goods?

Wait, no, sleepwear.

Oh, probably, better living.

Oh, Homie, look at that watch.

I've always wanted a watch like that.

Well, maybe someone will give you one for Christmas.

Now she'll really be surprised

when she opens that ironing board cover.

Pfft, must have been a pretty slow century.

The store detective!

Hey, Ansel Adams, let's go!

Take the photo!

Wait, wait! I don't want Maggie's face

hidden behind that pacifier!

Don't worry, mama.

I can put a smile on baby's face.

Okay, sugarplum

it's time to meet Mr. Funny-voice.

Hello, aluh...

Oh, it's just air.

Well, come on. Hurry up.

Okay, people. One, two, three.

I thought I told you:

No returns for busted merchandise.

What are you doing to my son?

I'm afraid your son broke the 11th commandment.

Thou shalt not steal.

That's crazy.

Bart's not a shoplifter.

He's just a little boy.

Oh, sure, now he's just a little boy

stealing little toys.

But someday he'll be a grown man

stealing stadiums and... quarries.

My son may not be perfect

but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter.

Fine! Play the tape.

Then everyone can see you've got the wrong boy.

Wait!

Mom, I don't want you to see this.

I did it.

Bart, I wouldn't have expected this even from you!

My son's a thief.

Oh, Bart.

Stealing?! How could you?!

Haven't you learned anything from that guy

who gives those sermons at church... Captain what's-his-name?

We live in a society of laws!

Why do you think I took you

to all those Police Academy movies?

For fun?!

Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing!

Did you?!

Except at that guy who made sound effects.

Honk, honk!

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. Stay out of my booze.

Mom, I'm really sorry.

I know you are.

Is there anything I can do?

I don't know.

Why don't you go to bed?

Okay.

Man, I thought Mom was going to scream me stupid.

She didn't even raise her voice.

I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have

but I know when she's really upset.

Her heart won't just wipe clean

like this bathroom counter top.

It absorbs everything that touches it

like this bathroom rug.

Really? You think this might be

one of those forever-type things?

I don't know.

Lisa's on the sleepy train.

To rest her weary head.

Her ticket is a candy cane.

Made out of gingerbread.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, sweetheart.

Oh, great.

The tuck-in express is right on time.

Good night.

I figured out the boy's punishment.

First, he's grounded.

No leaving the house, not even for school.

Second, no eggnog.

In fact, no nog period.

And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.

I always thought I understood

my special little guy

but somewhere along the road

his hand slipped away

from mine.

Ah, what are you gonna do?

He's not my little baby anymore.

Maybe I mother him too much.

Hey, Mom, you didn't wake me up.

Here's your hot chocolate.

You didn't put my marshmallow in.

I think you're old enough to do it yourself now.

Okay. I can handle that.

Hey!

Give me a slice.

Milhouse, do you ever worry

that your Mom might stop loving you?

What? I'm more worried about piranhas.

Did you see that movie

where they sent a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas

and one of them swims right down the periscope

and bites the guy in the eye, and he goes:

And that old lady told him it would happen?!

Yeah. That was pretty good.

How come you're not playing Bonestorm?

Ah, it got boring.

I'm really into this cup and ball now.

Whoa! Wow! Whoa-ho-ho!

Man, you never know

which way this crazy ball's going to go.

Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me

because you don't want me playing

with your video game.

Here. Go ahead.

No. Let me try the cup and ball.

Get your own!

Come on, don't be a cup-and-ball hog.

Hey, give it! That's my...

Milhouse, come on! Give me the cup and ball.

Cup and ball hog! Oink, oink!

Mom! Bart's smoking!

All right. Out, out.

Go, go, go, go.

Miss Milhouse, what are you...

Okay, okay, okay.

I won't bug Milhouse

but, well... Mrs. Van Houten

this is going to sound kind of dumb

but can I hang out with you while you do Mom stuff?

Who are Dan and Sherry Adler?

Just friends of ours.

Oh. And who is Warren Burke?

Oh, he used to tune our piano

before we got rid of it.

He grew up in Mechanicsburg.

Oh, really?

Tell me I'm good.

Oh, hey, that's Mom!

She's happy again.

You guys made a snowman family?

Check it out, boy.

It's like looking into a living snow mirror.

Why didn't you wait for me?

I didn't think you'd mind.

I figured you were getting a little too old for this.

But you can still make one.

There's some snow left

under the car.

Stupid family.

Hey, Simpson.

Look what I swiped from Try-N-Save.

It's a replacement tire for a wheelbarrow.

I knew you'd like it.

Everybody thinks I'm the black sheep.

Well, I'll show them what a black sheep can do.

Mom...

this fake snow is making me dizzy.

We're almost finished.

There's just a little bit of green left.

There you are.

You can help me spray the cookies.

Are you hiding something?

What do you have under your jacket?

Nothing.

Oh, Bart. Not again!

Give it to me.

I told you, I don't have anything.

You can't hide from me in this house, Bart.

I spend 23 hours a day here.

Get him, Ma.

There's no place left to run, Bart.

Hand it over.

Oh, Bart.

I can't believe you did this.

I wanted to surprise you for Christmas.

Oh, sweetie, this is the best present a mother could get!

I love you so much!

My little bitty Barty!

Mom!

Since I got my present early

I think you should get yours early too.

Bart got a present early?!

Then I should get a present early! I want a present!

Lisa, you have to wait.

Okay. This is the worst Christmas ever.

Now I know you love video games

and I asked the clerk which is the one every boy wants.

You got me...

Oh... yeah!

Thanks, Mom!

Welcome to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

I am Carvallo.

Now, choose a club.

You have chosen a three wood.

May I suggest a putter?

Three wood.

Now, enter the force of your swing.

I suggest feather touch.

You have entered "power drive."

Now, push 7-8-7 to swing.

Ball is in parking lot.

Would you like to play again?

You have selected "no."

CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.