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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:07,465
[woman] Don't forget, brush your teeth.
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00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:09,718
[boy] Why do I have to brush my teeth?
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:11,511
[woman] Want your teeth to fall out?
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00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:13,346
[boy] Only one of them.
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00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:16,599
You're gonna need your teeth.
I'll tell you why. I have to go.
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00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,810
-Mama's gonna make herstory.
-[boy] What's herstory?
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00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:22,105
I'll tell you what herstory is later.
And the rest of the world.
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00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:24,774
[upbeat instrumental music plays]
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00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:27,777
[audience cheering and applauding]
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00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,863
[song continues playing]
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00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:34,617
[cheering swells]
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00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,662
[audience continues cheering]
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00:00:39,956 --> 00:00:43,752
[female MC] Are you ready to make history?
16
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,837
[audience cheers and applauds]
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00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:54,054
[female MC] Please welcome the first woman
to have her own stand-up comedy special
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00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,766
at Radio City Music Hall!
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00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:03,104
Michelle Buteau!
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00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:07,609
[audience cheering]
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00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,204
[audience continues cheering]
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00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:23,291
[song continues playing]
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00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,673
Thank you.
24
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,594
[crowd cheering]
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00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:41,309
[audience shouts and whistles]
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00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,274
[music fades]
27
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:54,197
-New York City!
-[audience cheering]
28
00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,992
[crowd cheers]
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00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:01,579
[Michelle] You do it every time.
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00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:02,789
[woman 1] Woo!
31
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,833
I love you so much.
32
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,335
[cheering swells]
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00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,965
"Okay, is she good? Is she good?"
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00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:13,591
[woman 2] Yes!
35
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:14,509
Oh man.
36
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,010
[woman 3] We love you, Michelle!
37
00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,428
I love you too, bitch.
38
00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,639
[audience cheers]
39
00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:24,352
I'd motorboat you right now,
but I got shit to do.
40
00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:25,436
[crowd laughs]
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00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:26,896
[Michelle sighs]
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00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:30,775
I love doing what I love and making money.
43
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:33,153
[crowd cheering]
44
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,238
[crowd applauding]
45
00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:39,909
What? [chuckles]
46
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,829
It's amazing. And I wish that for you.
47
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:45,748
If you haven't done that yet,
I really wish that for you.
48
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,041
[audience cheers]
49
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,627
'Cause it's good. It's good.
50
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:51,379
[audience laughs]
51
00:02:51,462 --> 00:02:56,467
This guy hit me up one time.
He said, "I'm a food cooking producer."
52
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,928
I said, "Go off, is that a real job?"
53
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,638
[audience laughs]
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00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:03,057
"Good for you. Make your space."
[chuckles]
55
00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:07,687
He said, "I'd love to do a cooking
video with you because you like cooking."
56
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:10,773
I said, "I never said that.
That's just my look." [snickers]
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00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,734
[audience laughs]
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00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,445
"Okay."
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00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:20,533
He's like, "I have the perfect recipe.
Sweet potato casserole."
60
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,118
And I was like, "Okay."
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00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,329
"How much does it pay?"
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00:03:25,496 --> 00:03:30,168
And what he told me, I was surprised,
because that comma was thick.
63
00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,961
[audience laughing]
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00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,881
I said, "This is a nice check."
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00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:37,133
"Do I have to show my feet or some shit?"
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00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,302
[crowd laughs]
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00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:42,388
I've seen Euphoria,
I know what the kids are doing for money.
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00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,681
[audience laughing]
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00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,143
And he said,
"No, the company I work for loves you."
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00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,687
I can't legally tell you
the name of the company,
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00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:52,315
but I can tell you that it rhymes
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00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,776
with "Tampbell's Loop."
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00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,861
[audience laughs]
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00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:59,197
[scattered applause]
75
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,240
We all got it?
76
00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,201
There's always one.
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00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,245
[crowd laughs]
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00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:07,497
[Michelle chuckles]
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00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:08,790
I didn't read the recipe.
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00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:11,584
I showed up on time
with a V-neck and some lip gloss.
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00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:14,545
I was like,
"Let's make some casserole, honey."
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00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,631
[audience laughs]
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They handed me sweet potatoes.
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I was like, "Sweet potatoes,"
to the camera, "That's my nickname."
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[vocalizes]
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[crowd laughs]
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[Michelle chuckles]
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The director's like, "This is
a family recipe." I said, "I know."
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00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,104
[audience laughs]
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00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,689
[Michelle chuckles]
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Hamming it up.
Then they handed me salt and pepper.
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I was like, "Salt-N-Pepa's here.
Salt, salt, salt."
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00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,321
[audience laughs]
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00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:44,659
[Michelle chuckles]
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00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:49,289
Then these people,
and I'm going to call them people,
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00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:51,749
because I know
that they're someone's child, um…
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00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:52,709
[smacks lips]
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00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:57,505
They handed me two full cups
of shredded cheddar cheese.
99
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,092
And I had the same look on my face.
100
00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:04,304
I was like,
"Are we making the same recipe?"
101
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,596
[audience laughing]
102
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,724
They said,
"Yeah, it ties it together."
103
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,267
I said, "Who told you that?"
104
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:11,561
[audience laughing]
105
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:12,979
They said, "Gotta put it in."
106
00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:16,357
I said, "Listen, now,
once I put it in, I can't take it out."
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00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:17,567
[crowd laughs]
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00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,652
"It's like pee in the pool, okay?"
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00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,112
[audience laughing]
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00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:23,573
Then these people…
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00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,908
[chuckling]
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00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,329
[audience laughing]
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…handed me
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a can
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00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:36,753
of Tampbell's Loop…
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00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,088
[audience cheers and applauds]
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00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:45,845
…Cream of Mushroom Soup.
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00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:47,930
[audience laughs]
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[Michelle sighs]
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00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,857
[audience laughing]
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00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:01,944
Now, I don't know if y'all have ever seen
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00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,488
a fresh can…
123
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,075
of Tampbell's Loop…
124
00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,868
[audience laughing]
125
00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:11,079
…Cream of Mushroom Soup, but…
126
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:13,623
she's dense, okay?
127
00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:17,377
I was like,
"Ow, we gotta put our back into it."
128
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,797
"You gotta…
get a little room temperature."
129
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:21,964
[crowd laughs]
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00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,675
I mean, I'm mixing it up, and it's a mess.
131
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:27,970
It looks like a dog
just had a miscarriage.
132
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:30,431
[audience groaning and laughing]
133
00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:36,604
Oh, that dog got more rights for its body
than I do, what you talking about?
134
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:38,689
[audience cheering]
135
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,652
That bitch will be okay.
136
00:06:43,152 --> 00:06:44,987
[audience laughs]
137
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,533
So, I'm trying to mix it up,
138
00:06:49,158 --> 00:06:52,328
and the director's like,
"What's wrong, Michelle?" [chuckles]
139
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,788
"Smile." [snickers]
140
00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:55,581
[audience laughs]
141
00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:00,420
[Michelle hums]
142
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,881
[humming continues]
143
00:07:05,466 --> 00:07:07,844
-[hums, quavers]
-[audience laughs]
144
00:07:08,886 --> 00:07:10,930
[humming fades]
145
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:16,436
So, I put this thing…
146
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,563
in the oven,
147
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,024
and I tell everybody,
"Okay. Get home safe."
148
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,110
[audience laughing]
149
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:27,238
[chuckles]
150
00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:31,033
The director goes, "We gotta take it out
and eat it and talk about it."
151
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,243
I said…
152
00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:34,954
"Who told you that?"
153
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,664
[audience laughs]
154
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:40,418
He said, "All the videos, everyone's
eating it and talking about it."
155
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,171
I said, "We don't have to be them.
We could be heroes."
156
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,256
[audience laughs]
157
00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:50,136
[chuckling] He… He said,
"I'm so sorry, Michelle."
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00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:54,640
"But unless you eat it and talk about it,
we can't pay you. It's in your contract."
159
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,643
So I pulled it out the oven,
I was like…
160
00:07:57,727 --> 00:08:00,521
-[hums]
-[audience laughs]
161
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:04,609
When I took it out of the oven, y'all,
it was bubbling.
162
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,819
It looked so personal.
163
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,779
[audience laughing]
164
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:12,992
I put it on the countertop, it was just
giving the "Caucacity of Nope."
165
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,495
[audience laughing]
166
00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:23,711
[sighing] So I put this thing…
167
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,173
in my mouth.
168
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:31,010
And I'm really trying to think about
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00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:32,887
what I can spend the money on.
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00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,972
[audience laughing]
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00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:36,682
Like a good ho.
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00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:39,393
[audience laughing]
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00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,354
[scattered applause]
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00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:44,690
Thank you. Hear those people clapping?
Them the hoes.
175
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,776
[audience laughs and applauds]
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00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:48,528
With the bills.
177
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:54,909
[chuckling]
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00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:58,579
And he was like, you know,
"How do you feel?"
179
00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:01,791
And I'm like, "Like I'm in an episode
of Fear Factor."
180
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:03,501
[crowd laughs]
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00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:07,338
And he's like, "Okay, how does it taste?"
I'm like, "Expensive."
182
00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:09,423
[audience laughing]
183
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:12,843
And then I wasn't crying,
but it was a gentle tear,
184
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,304
and he's like, "You can go home now."
[chuckles]
185
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,847
[audience laughs]
186
00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:19,433
[Michelle chuckles]
187
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,352
So he posts the video,
188
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:23,479
and I'm like, "Who gonna see it?"
189
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:29,193
Who gonna see this 40-second video of me
making sweet potato casserole, right?
190
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,611
Well…
191
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,655
[audience laughs]
192
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:36,284
I forgot there's this thing
called Black Twitter.
193
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,703
[audience laughing]
194
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:42,373
And you know? That's my bad.
The minute I saw myself trending,
195
00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:43,624
I was like, "My bad."
196
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:46,669
I forgot sweet potatoes
are the Juneteenth of root vegetables.
197
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:47,587
That…
198
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,422
is my bad.
199
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:53,009
I need a publicist, an apology tour,
I tried to get on Club Shay Shay.
200
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,051
He was booked up.
201
00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:56,137
[audience laughing]
202
00:09:57,054 --> 00:10:00,474
Amanda Seales was about to do
a three-part video on my ass.
203
00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:04,353
I had to watch
High on the Hog seven more times.
204
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,521
Ooh, baby!
205
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,691
Can't be light-skinned,
fucking up Black culture.
206
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,110
I won't be invited to any of the fests.
207
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:13,195
[scattered applause]
208
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:18,659
But I've never seen over
10,000 tweets with my name, so I was like,
209
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,161
"How bad could it be?"
210
00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:22,622
[audience laughs]
211
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:23,581
Well,
212
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,751
there was an auntie
213
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:29,754
who posted every hour
on the hour, all in caps.
214
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,505
I said, "Okay, consistency."
215
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,341
[chuckling]
216
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:38,095
All in caps, she kept writing,
"CALL THE COPS!"
217
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,472
-What?
-[crowd laughs]
218
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:41,307
What?
219
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:43,893
[scoffs]
220
00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:46,187
[chuckles]
221
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,147
We ain't gotta involve the police.
222
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:50,232
[crowd laughs]
223
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,985
Then a lot of people were like,
"Is Michelle okay?"
224
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,570
I said, "Thank you so much."
225
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,280
[audience laughing]
226
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:58,908
I don't know, I really got to look in,
you know?
227
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,410
Check in on your strong friends.
228
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,121
[chuckling]
229
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:10,419
But the most, like, hilarious,
yet hurtful comment that I do remember,
230
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:13,172
somebody was just like, "Damn…"
231
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:15,883
"Sis looks like the housekeeper
from Get Out."
232
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,427
[audience laughing]
233
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,767
[imitating the housekeeper]
No!
234
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,936
No!
235
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:31,232
[wailing] No!
236
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,777
[wailing louder] No!
237
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:37,571
-[screaming] No!
-[audience laughing]
238
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:38,739
No!
239
00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:42,618
[audience laughing]
240
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,998
[Michelle sighs]
241
00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:52,294
I just realized how crazy
that shit is for you
242
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,921
if you've never seen Get Out.
243
00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:55,798
[audience laughs]
244
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,800
Like, are you okay?
245
00:11:57,883 --> 00:11:59,260
[audience laughs]
246
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:03,097
I'm just bad at internet.
I don't know how to not care.
247
00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:06,475
I either shut off or I just care too much.
248
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,770
I thought the hardest conversations
I would have with my children
249
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:10,980
would be around
250
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,399
racism, being bullied,
251
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:15,401
sexism, but I'm realizing,
252
00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:19,613
I have to figure out how to have
a proper conversation with my kids,
253
00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:23,200
to have them define their worth
without likes and followers.
254
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:25,953
[audience applauds]
255
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,416
Yes, welcome to my
big-titty TED Talk, bitches.
256
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:32,501
[audience laughs]
257
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,754
With dreams as big as her shoulder pads.
258
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:35,963
[crowd laughing]
259
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,925
And, you know, my kids are so smart.
I'm hoping it won't be hard.
260
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,260
I have five-year-old twins.
261
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,679
-[crowd cheers]
-Thank you.
262
00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:48,434
I have boy-girl twins until they tell me
otherwise, 'cause Mama is inclusive.
263
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:50,352
[crowd cheers]
264
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:53,355
Let's love and evolve, mother…
265
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:56,192
They have the cutest names, I think.
266
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,778
They have family names, Hazel and Otis.
267
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:03,032
So cute.
I got earrings with their initials.
268
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:05,117
[audience laughs]
269
00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:09,413
[audience cheering]
270
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,541
That's right. She's a ho for life.
271
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,585
[audience laughs]
272
00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:16,670
[audience applauds]
273
00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:20,591
Oh my goodness. Rosé, it's so wet.
274
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,344
[audience laughs]
275
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,847
I didn't realize, with twins,
everybody wants to talk to you.
276
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,265
I didn't know that.
277
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:31,602
People, like, walk up to me
with agency and purpose.
278
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:34,688
They're like, "Are they twins?"
I'm like, "Are you a pediatrician?"
279
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:36,774
[audience laughs]
280
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,237
But usually it's someone
that's always a twin,
281
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,740
and wanna tell me they're a twin.
Like, "Are they twins? I'm a twin."
282
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,159
"I don't like my twin.
We share a birthday cake."
283
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,411
I'm like, "There's a war going on."
284
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,205
[audience laughing]
285
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:52,790
"What?"
286
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:54,208
"What?"
287
00:13:56,126 --> 00:14:01,090
And they just stay. "Yeah, my mom likes
my twin better." I'm like, "I see why."
288
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,508
[audience laughing]
289
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,011
They keep talking.
I'm like, "I gotta stop you there."
290
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,389
"I'm not friendly.
I just have a double chin."
291
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:10,474
[audience laughs]
292
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,354
[Michelle chuckling]
293
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:20,359
"I'm an asshole, it's just rosé
and butter. That's all it is."
294
00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,278
[crowd howling]
295
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:25,281
Makes you very approachable.
Gout is very approachable.
296
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,366
[crowd titters]
297
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:30,911
And I didn't realize
how different kids could be
298
00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:35,374
when they're the same ingredient.
They are so different. Like Hazel? Wow.
299
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:39,420
Hazel has the energy of a 53-year-old
Black woman that works at the DMV.
300
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,047
[audience laughing]
301
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,097
She is wild,
she walks up in the playground,
302
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,558
she's like,
"Is this what y'all meant to do?"
303
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:54,643
[audience laughing]
304
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:58,522
Hazelnut.
305
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:03,903
The kids come up to me like, "Mrs. Buteau,
Hazel's looking through my soul again."
306
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:05,988
[audience laughing]
307
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:07,990
We got to do better.
308
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:12,411
Oh my God. She's sassy.
309
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,288
I don't know
where she gets it from.
310
00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:15,956
[crowd laughs]
311
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,291
Okay, you know what?
312
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:20,085
I understand what you're talkin' about.
313
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:23,964
However, I didn't find my voice
till I was in my 30s. She's five.
314
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,299
[crowd laughing]
315
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:29,637
I was leaving the house one time
in short sleeves to go food shopping,
316
00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:33,015
'cause that's all I motherfucking do.
317
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:35,184
[crowd laughing]
318
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:39,271
And she said, "Mama, you should put on
long sleeves 'cause your elbows look old."
319
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,357
[audience laughing]
320
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:54,954
But here's the thing, she ain't wrong.
My elbows look haunted as fuck. How?
321
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:58,624
When? No one tells you
about that in your 40s.
322
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:01,210
It looks like I've been doing
a plank for 22 years.
323
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,545
[audience howling]
324
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:06,757
How would I know my elbows
look like the top of a pigeon's head?
325
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:07,883
When?
326
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:11,428
Ladies, what all I need? Ashwagandha?
327
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,846
What do I need?
328
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,641
Magnesium? These elbows look crazy.
329
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,142
My elbows look like the guy
330
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,979
in the Indiana Jones movie,
that chose the wrong cup.
331
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,606
[audience laughing]
332
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,694
Thank you, everybody over 38. Thank you.
333
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,904
Thank you.
334
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,531
-I see you.
-[crowd applauds]
335
00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:31,824
[Michelle laughs]
336
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,703
Oh my God,
337
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,705
sassy children.
338
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,543
And they don't go to bed.
339
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:47,172
They just are up all the time.
340
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:52,052
She comes downstairs, 10:00 p.m.
"Mama, what you doing?" I'm like,
341
00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:54,430
"Hiding my vape pen now. What's good?"
342
00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,932
[audience laughing]
343
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:58,684
"What's up?"
344
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:02,855
"You already had two bananas.
What all you need now?"
345
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:07,192
[chuckles]
346
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:09,570
[scoffing] My God.
347
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:15,200
And sassy children,
they go to bed late, they wake up early.
348
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:19,121
She's up 5:30 a.m. every day.
349
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:20,998
I said, "Go back to bed, girl."
350
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,167
"You ain't missing anything."
351
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,793
[crowd chuckles]
352
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,171
"There is nothing going on right now."
353
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:29,506
"We don't live on a farm."
354
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:31,050
[audience laughs]
355
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,760
"This is not the military."
356
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,596
"You can go back to bed."
357
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:37,848
Oh my God.
358
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,768
Hazel has so much energy. She is like…
359
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:44,271
Picture DJ Khaled as a five-year-old girl.
360
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,815
[audience laughs]
361
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,527
She wakes up in the morning,
she's like,
362
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,821
-"Good morning, everybody!"
-[air horn plays]
363
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,157
[audience applauding]
364
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:01,080
[audience continues applauding]
365
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:05,125
[Michelle chuckles]
366
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:08,754
-♪ All I do is twin, twin, twin! ♪
-[air horn playing]
367
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:10,839
She the best!
368
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,884
Yeah! DJ Donwill, everybody.
369
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:16,512
[audience cheers and applauds]
370
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:18,680
[Michelle laughs]
371
00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:21,683
Oh my God.
372
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:25,229
I can't talk to Otis
the way I talk to Hazel,
373
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:27,898
'cause he's so sweet and, like, quiet.
374
00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:30,776
Like, Hazel brings
the Black mom out of me,
375
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:33,779
but like a Black mom on Maury Povich.
376
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:35,864
[audience laughing]
377
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,534
Oh, baby. We be at Target, I'm like,
378
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,953
[seething] "Get over here, girl."
379
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:45,499
"We ain't buying no more stuff.
We ain't buy… Put it down!"
380
00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:47,167
[crowd laughs]
381
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:50,587
She makes me feel like an angry
ventriloquist. "Get over here!"
382
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:54,883
"Put it down. I said no more stuff,
we ain't buying no more stuff."
383
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,553
[audience laughing]
384
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,599
[Michelle chuckling]
385
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,769
I can't talk to Otis like that.
386
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:12,484
Otis has the energy of a tired husband
holding his wife's purse at Macy's.
387
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,820
[crowd laughing]
388
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:18,115
I see some of y'all in here tonight.
Thank you so much.
389
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:19,992
[audience chuckling]
390
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,204
Otis is so sweet.
He even blinks slow when he talks.
391
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:25,372
He's like, "Mama…"
392
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,250
[audience laughing]
393
00:19:35,465 --> 00:19:37,467
[audience continues laughing]
394
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:43,056
[Michelle chuckles]
395
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,101
I feel bad sometimes,
because he's growing up in a house
396
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:50,772
with so much, like, strong female energy,
but I'm also just like, "You're welcome."
397
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,816
[audience cheers]
398
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:56,987
You know? "That's the best kind
of education you won't get in school."
399
00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:58,822
[chuckling]
400
00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:00,991
I feel bad for him sometimes,
401
00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:03,952
his first complete sentence
when he was three years old was,
402
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,330
"Okay, everybody. Calm down."
403
00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:08,916
[audience laughs]
404
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:11,835
Otis!
405
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:17,382
I'm trying to teach him how to be
a big boy around the city, you know?
406
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,677
Walking a New York City sidewalk,
ride the subway, the train.
407
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:24,097
Hold the door open for old people,
all that shit. It's important.
408
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:28,644
And we were on a very crowded corner
one time in New York City,
409
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:30,395
and he yells in front of everybody,
410
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:34,399
"Mama, the blinking hand
said we can't go now!"
411
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,568
I said, "That's right, baby."
412
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:41,156
And then strangers were just like,
"Good job, Mama."
413
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:44,117
"Good job…" And parents know
414
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:47,371
when your kid does something right
in public, you're like,
415
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,040
"I am a fucking angel."
416
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:51,875
[audience laughing]
417
00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:57,881
"I am a walking angel. What are you
childless fucks doing? Recycling? Okay."
418
00:20:58,423 --> 00:20:59,633
"Okay."
419
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:03,971
"Composting? Okay."
420
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:08,350
We are leaving it
better than how we found it.
421
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,646
Otis caught wind,
and he was very proud of himself.
422
00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:16,692
And so then he yells,
"Mama, the white man said we can go now!"
423
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,777
[audience laughing]
424
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,162
[audience continues laughing]
425
00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:33,792
Oh my God.
426
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:37,087
So I call this story "Birth Control."
427
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,842
'Cause if you were thinking about having
a kid, listen to this and decide.
428
00:21:41,925 --> 00:21:43,677
[crowd laughs]
429
00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:46,680
Otis had a big booger in his nose.
430
00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:51,184
A big booger and he's like,
"Mama, how do I get this out?"
431
00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:54,104
Like, "That's a real question?"
Know when your kid says something
432
00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:56,565
you're like,
"I'm worried for the rest of your life"?
433
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:58,608
[crowd laughing]
434
00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:00,402
I said, "Put your finger in there,
435
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,529
dig like you're
looking for an answer."
436
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,406
[audience chuckles]
437
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:06,616
What am I, Mr. Rogers? I don't know.
438
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:12,039
He had a hard time getting it.
I was like, "Otis, this is hard to watch."
439
00:22:12,539 --> 00:22:15,000
[audience laughing]
440
00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:17,461
"I'm gonna be honest with ya."
441
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:20,213
His head was leaning back.
442
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,382
Chasing himself
like a dog chasing his tail.
443
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:26,011
I was like, "This is not how
I want to remember you, you know?"
444
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:27,095
[crowd laughs]
445
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:30,098
He's like, "Mama, I can't get it."
I'm like, "I see that."
446
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,061
I should also mention
we were boarding a flight.
447
00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:36,146
[audience laughs]
448
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:38,648
[Michelle chuckles]
449
00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:40,942
And he said, "Mama, I can't get it."
450
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,362
And so, I made a decision.
451
00:22:44,988 --> 00:22:46,531
I went in there and I got it.
452
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:47,783
[crowd laughs]
453
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:51,411
And then he did a move
I've never seen a human body do.
454
00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:54,539
He folded like a beach chair.
455
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:55,999
[crowd laughs]
456
00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:59,211
Laid out on the floor. He was like…
[squeaking sounds]
457
00:22:59,294 --> 00:23:00,337
And then laid.
458
00:23:01,922 --> 00:23:02,756
What?
459
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:04,633
And lay down.
460
00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:07,344
And then he yelled…
461
00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:08,387
[chuckling]
462
00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:11,306
"Mama, I want to get my booger!"
463
00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,893
And then he says, "Put it back."
464
00:23:14,976 --> 00:23:16,978
[audience laughs]
465
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,193
And there were people behind me.
466
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:25,612
And I had a decision to make.
467
00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:27,989
So I put it back.
468
00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:30,075
[audience laughing and groaning]
469
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:33,120
[scattered applause]
470
00:23:33,620 --> 00:23:37,624
See, half y'all clap and half y'all judge,
and I see that shit. Okay?
471
00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:39,042
That's how people looked at me.
472
00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:42,129
I wanted to yell at them, like,
"I used to be cool, okay?"
473
00:23:42,212 --> 00:23:44,756
"I was cool.
I've done cocaine off of a dick,
474
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,385
I know how complicated
noses can be, bitch."
475
00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:50,470
"Enjoy your overhead space."
476
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,640
[scattered cheering and clapping]
477
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:01,857
[Michelle chuckling]
478
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:06,069
It's a good time to give my mom
a shout-out in the audience.
479
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:08,864
[audience cheers and applauds]
480
00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:11,199
Hi, Mom.
481
00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:12,784
Hi, Marie.
482
00:24:15,036 --> 00:24:16,371
[chuckles]
483
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:18,790
Oh man, I must have been a sassy kid,
484
00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:21,084
'cause I feel
her bone density be different.
485
00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:22,043
[crowd laughs]
486
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:24,713
Like, I get it now, you know?
487
00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:26,423
I don't like to complain,
488
00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,175
but I feel run-down, y'all.
489
00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:32,345
You know, like,
don't let the sequence and tulle fool you.
490
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:33,430
[crowd laughs]
491
00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:36,850
I am run-down,
like, if you come to my house,
492
00:24:36,933 --> 00:24:38,351
5:30 every night,
493
00:24:38,435 --> 00:24:42,814
you can catch me on the couch,
and I am serving Viola Davis tired.
494
00:24:43,398 --> 00:24:45,150
[audience laughs]
495
00:24:45,233 --> 00:24:48,320
[puffing and panting]
496
00:24:48,403 --> 00:24:50,906
[labored breathing]
497
00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:53,825
[imitating Viola Davis] "I'm so tired."
498
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:56,536
[fake crying]
499
00:24:57,287 --> 00:24:58,163
[gasps]
500
00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:01,958
[normal voice] So tired.
501
00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:05,128
Now I know why my mom looks like that.
502
00:25:05,212 --> 00:25:06,546
[audience chuckling]
503
00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:10,091
My mom looks like
a husky dog in Miami, like…
504
00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:14,513
I don't know
if she's thirsty or smiling, it's just…
505
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,598
[audience laughing]
506
00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:20,477
[panting heavily]
507
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:22,020
[huffs]
508
00:25:22,103 --> 00:25:25,649
She always looks like she's asking
the question and answering it, like…
509
00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:28,735
[audience laughing]
510
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:33,865
[Michelle panting heavily]
511
00:25:39,162 --> 00:25:40,372
Now I get it.
512
00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:43,416
Now I get it.
513
00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:45,961
I feel like
514
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:50,423
the door at the end of the movie Titanic.
515
00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:54,594
[audience laughing]
516
00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:59,349
Just, like, less buoyant,
517
00:25:59,432 --> 00:26:01,184
and everyone's climbing on.
518
00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:05,355
My whole family is trying to take a seat.
519
00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:07,065
[crowd chuckling]
520
00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:09,025
And my whistle won't work, I'm like…
521
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:11,528
[blows a raspberry]
522
00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,823
[keeps blowing a raspberry]
523
00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:18,618
[blows a raspberry harder]
524
00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:20,954
[blows a faint raspberry]
525
00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:24,457
[audience tittering]
526
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:27,752
I get it!
527
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:30,505
I get it.
528
00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:33,675
I didn't even realize, like,
529
00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:37,929
you could hurt yourself
when you're taking care of kids,
530
00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:40,515
'cause you're not thinking about
how you move your body.
531
00:26:41,016 --> 00:26:45,520
And I hurt myself 'cause I'm bending over
all the time, and not in the way I like.
532
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:46,896
Air horn!
533
00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:48,732
[air horn sound plays]
534
00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:51,359
[audience applauding]
535
00:26:54,696 --> 00:26:56,698
[chuckling]
536
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:58,199
Thank you.
537
00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:01,453
I hurt myself real bad one time.
538
00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:04,623
And my husband was like,
"I think you got sciatica."
539
00:27:05,582 --> 00:27:08,251
And I didn't even know what it was.
That's how young I was.
540
00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:10,837
[audience laughs]
541
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,922
I thought it was an overpriced pasta.
542
00:27:13,006 --> 00:27:15,383
[audience laughs]
543
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,135
He said, "I think it's sciatica."
544
00:27:17,218 --> 00:27:19,679
I said, "Check the receipt.
It's Penne Pomodoro."
545
00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:21,765
[audience laughs]
546
00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:26,478
That's how young I was.
547
00:27:26,561 --> 00:27:28,563
Make some noise
if you know what sciatica is.
548
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:32,984
-[audience cheers]
-Yes! I love a grown crowd.
549
00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:36,946
Thanks for keeping your muscles in check.
"I can't come to the show tonight."
550
00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:40,158
"My sciatica is picking up right now."
551
00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:45,622
Oh my God, I have readers now, what?
I can't see a menu. I'm that bitch.
552
00:27:45,705 --> 00:27:47,540
"Turn your light on."
553
00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:49,000
[crowd laughs]
554
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:51,252
"Why are these restaurants so dark?"
555
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:53,505
[audience laughs]
556
00:27:54,297 --> 00:27:55,423
I'm this old.
557
00:27:56,841 --> 00:27:58,843
[audience laughs]
558
00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:02,430
Oh my God, I hurt myself with the sciatica
and I went to the doctor.
559
00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:04,599
He gave me athlete's-grade ibuprofen.
560
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:07,227
I was like,
"Yes, I am an athlete, good job."
561
00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:09,521
[crowd chuckling]
562
00:28:09,604 --> 00:28:12,524
And he gave me a Theragun.
Y'all know what a Theragun is?
563
00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:13,525
[cheers]
564
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:14,984
Awesome. I didn't know.
565
00:28:15,068 --> 00:28:19,406
I was like, "Okay, massage gun
helping me out through the day."
566
00:28:19,489 --> 00:28:20,865
"Come on."
567
00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:22,617
And I couldn't go nowhere,
568
00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:26,287
so I had a friend over and she
happens to be a beautiful Black lesbian.
569
00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:27,622
I call her "The Oracle."
570
00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:29,457
[crowd laughing]
571
00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:31,376
She ever-knowing and glowing.
572
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:36,089
And she saw my Theragun on my table
and she goes, "Okay."
573
00:28:36,631 --> 00:28:38,633
[audience laughs]
574
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:45,640
I said, "Girl, that's for my sciatica."
And she's like, "Whatever."
575
00:28:46,141 --> 00:28:48,143
[crowd howling]
576
00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:53,106
I said, "Girl, it's my Theragun."
577
00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:55,442
"It's got the word 'gun' in it."
578
00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:58,027
And she said,
"Depends where you point it."
579
00:28:58,111 --> 00:29:00,113
[audience laughs]
580
00:29:00,947 --> 00:29:02,031
[Michelle chuckles]
581
00:29:02,115 --> 00:29:05,744
I said, "Girl." She said, "Girl, what?"
582
00:29:05,827 --> 00:29:08,246
I said, "Girl, you stop."
583
00:29:08,329 --> 00:29:09,497
She said, "What?"
584
00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:13,251
I looked at her, I said, "Girl."
585
00:29:14,043 --> 00:29:16,045
[audience laughs]
586
00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:18,757
"You like to get your pussy
beat up like that?"
587
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:20,842
[audience laughing]
588
00:29:25,263 --> 00:29:27,265
[woman] Woo!
589
00:29:29,100 --> 00:29:31,102
[applause fades]
590
00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:33,688
I said, "Girl."
591
00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:37,609
"You like to get your pussy
beat up like that?"
592
00:29:37,692 --> 00:29:39,027
[crowd laughing]
593
00:29:39,110 --> 00:29:43,823
"I had no idea you like to get your pussy
beat up like that, you are so quiet."
594
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:46,201
[audience laughs]
595
00:29:47,911 --> 00:29:51,122
I said, "Oh my God.
You finish your book in two weeks."
596
00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:54,000
"You always over-tip at Starbucks."
597
00:29:54,667 --> 00:29:58,338
"You always park so far away
from the entrance to get your steps in."
598
00:29:59,672 --> 00:30:03,760
"I had no idea you like
to get your pussy beat up like that."
599
00:30:03,843 --> 00:30:05,261
[crowd laughs]
600
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,847
She said, "Yeah, girl." [chuckling]
601
00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:12,143
"I'm spending so much on Theraguns
trying to find the right one."
602
00:30:12,227 --> 00:30:14,229
I said, "Girl!"
603
00:30:14,312 --> 00:30:16,022
[crowd laughs]
604
00:30:16,105 --> 00:30:17,941
[yelling] "My brain is melting."
605
00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:22,111
I said, "Honestly? Real talk?"
606
00:30:22,737 --> 00:30:25,073
"You should have somebody
punch your pussy a bit."
607
00:30:25,156 --> 00:30:27,283
[audience laughing]
608
00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:38,753
"Nothing crazy, just have somebody
punch your pussy a little bit."
609
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:40,922
[crowd continues laughing]
610
00:30:41,005 --> 00:30:44,050
"Nothing crazy,
just a little pow-pow in your puss."
611
00:30:44,133 --> 00:30:45,885
[audience laughing]
612
00:30:45,969 --> 00:30:49,305
A little, "Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"It's my pussy, me-ouch."
613
00:30:49,389 --> 00:30:52,141
[audience laughs and applauds]
614
00:30:52,976 --> 00:30:54,060
"That's all."
615
00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:00,483
She looked at me. She said,
"Hell no, girl. A Theragun is Therafun."
616
00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:04,612
I said, "What in the lesbian
Shark Tank is going on?"
617
00:31:04,696 --> 00:31:06,698
[audience laughing]
618
00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:09,367
"You got slogans?"
619
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,080
I had no idea she like to get
her pussy beat up like that.
620
00:31:15,665 --> 00:31:17,083
You think you know somebody.
621
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,921
Can I just recap
what had happened right now?
622
00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:27,051
I told y'all a true-ass story
about my beautiful Black lesbian friend.
623
00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:30,513
And a little bit of violence on a puss.
624
00:31:31,472 --> 00:31:33,641
Nothing crazy, a dollop will do you.
625
00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:35,852
[crowd laughs]
626
00:31:35,935 --> 00:31:39,022
And for the most part, we laughed.
Some of y'all were judging.
627
00:31:39,105 --> 00:31:40,398
Some of y'all were curious.
628
00:31:41,316 --> 00:31:43,318
[audience laughs]
629
00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:45,486
You don't see what I see.
630
00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:47,322
[audience laughing]
631
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,449
[Michelle chuckles]
632
00:31:49,532 --> 00:31:51,576
But all I'm saying is it can be done.
633
00:31:51,659 --> 00:31:54,245
It can be done,
we can tell jokes and stories
634
00:31:54,329 --> 00:31:56,247
and not disparage a whole community.
635
00:31:57,624 --> 00:31:59,626
We can do that. We can make it funny.
636
00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,920
-We just have to work at it, right?
-[applause]
637
00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:04,005
So if you ever run into Dave Chappelle,
638
00:32:04,088 --> 00:32:05,673
can you let him know that shit?
639
00:32:05,757 --> 00:32:08,134
[audience cheers loudly]
640
00:32:09,677 --> 00:32:11,596
I don't think he know that shit.
641
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,266
I don't think we'll run into Dave,
'cause he's the GOAT.
642
00:32:15,350 --> 00:32:19,062
And he is the GOAT, if that means
going off about trans people.
643
00:32:19,145 --> 00:32:20,480
Dave.
644
00:32:21,439 --> 00:32:22,982
It's not funny.
645
00:32:23,066 --> 00:32:24,609
It's dangerous.
646
00:32:25,109 --> 00:32:26,611
Make it funny.
647
00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:29,864
[audience cheering and applauding]
648
00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:35,536
[Michelle] That's all.
649
00:32:36,579 --> 00:32:39,832
I can't believe somebody would make
millions of dollars
650
00:32:39,916 --> 00:32:41,376
for making people feel unsafe.
651
00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:45,088
-That is so wild to me, like… Truly.
-[crowd cheers]
652
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:47,006
[crowd cheers and claps]
653
00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:51,344
I'm manifesting this shit tonight,
this is a Radio City Music Hall takeover,
654
00:32:51,427 --> 00:32:55,264
and I'm gonna tell everybody, I wanna make
millions and millions of dollars
655
00:32:55,348 --> 00:33:00,770
for making people feel safe, seen,
secure, heard, and entertained.
656
00:33:00,853 --> 00:33:02,021
Entertained.
657
00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:03,564
-Entertaining.
-[crowd cheers]
658
00:33:04,065 --> 00:33:07,360
What are we doing? That is my goal.
659
00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:10,363
My goal used to be
to find my belly button when I sit down,
660
00:33:10,446 --> 00:33:11,948
but that shit ain't realistic.
661
00:33:12,031 --> 00:33:13,324
[crowd laughs]
662
00:33:13,408 --> 00:33:15,410
Girl, set yourself up for success.
663
00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:17,495
[audience laughs]
664
00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:20,707
Just have some goals.
665
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:24,419
I just don't know
why people aren't doing it anymore.
666
00:33:24,502 --> 00:33:27,380
You know? Say you do the thing,
and then do the thing.
667
00:33:27,463 --> 00:33:30,758
[audience cheers and applauds]
668
00:33:32,468 --> 00:33:33,469
That's all.
669
00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:37,932
Like my friends that are, like, stuck.
670
00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:41,436
Right? Always dating the wrong person.
671
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:44,063
The way you do one thing is the way
you do everything. Right?
672
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:48,609
If you were in the theater tonight,
dating somebody that's not good for you,
673
00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:50,194
especially the ladies,
674
00:33:50,278 --> 00:33:51,404
don't do it no more.
675
00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:54,991
Leave here tonight
and unfollow that motherfucker.
676
00:33:55,074 --> 00:33:58,036
-That's energy you don't have.
-[audience applauds]
677
00:33:58,119 --> 00:34:01,914
Okay? And I'm not a chiropractor,
but you ain't gonna be wet forever, sis.
678
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:04,000
[audience laughs]
679
00:34:04,959 --> 00:34:06,377
God.
680
00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:09,881
It is a journey, though.
You got to really, like,
681
00:34:09,964 --> 00:34:12,008
find the right one, you know?
682
00:34:12,091 --> 00:34:13,426
I've fucked a lot of frogs.
683
00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:15,470
[audience laughs]
684
00:34:15,553 --> 00:34:16,888
It was like a frog farm.
685
00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:18,473
[crowd laughing]
686
00:34:18,556 --> 00:34:20,558
I'm so glad I found the right one.
687
00:34:21,642 --> 00:34:23,227
-It's so nice.
-[crowd applauds]
688
00:34:24,312 --> 00:34:27,565
It really is. When people
meet me and my husband, they're like,
689
00:34:27,648 --> 00:34:31,027
"Wow, you guys like each other."
I'm like, "You're supposed to."
690
00:34:32,487 --> 00:34:34,405
Why be with somebody you don't like?
691
00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,240
That is what your family is for.
692
00:34:36,324 --> 00:34:39,035
[audience laughing]
693
00:34:41,579 --> 00:34:42,705
[Michelle chuckles]
694
00:34:43,456 --> 00:34:46,834
Hello? But I also think
it's important to, like,
695
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:50,296
name the good time
and name the bad times, that's okay.
696
00:34:50,379 --> 00:34:54,175
The hardest time my husband and I had
definitely was the pandemic.
697
00:34:54,258 --> 00:34:56,844
I didn't get how social we were
until we were together
698
00:34:56,928 --> 00:34:59,889
all… the fucking time.
699
00:34:59,972 --> 00:35:01,557
[crowd laughs]
700
00:35:01,641 --> 00:35:03,935
I would move to another room,
he'd follow me.
701
00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:05,520
I'll be like, "What's up?"
702
00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:07,605
[audience laughs]
703
00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:10,024
"What's up?"
704
00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:12,944
His stories were terrible.
705
00:35:13,486 --> 00:35:15,488
[audience laughs]
706
00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:19,492
Like, "What's good?"
He's like, "We ain't got clean spoons."
707
00:35:19,575 --> 00:35:21,035
I'm like, "Great story."
708
00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:22,453
[crowd laughs]
709
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:23,955
[Michelle sighs]
710
00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:28,751
[chuckles] It was a bad time.
711
00:35:29,877 --> 00:35:34,632
I started using this tone with him
that I'd never used with anybody before.
712
00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:38,928
It's like the tone you use
when Alexa ain't playing your song.
713
00:35:39,011 --> 00:35:41,013
[audience laughs]
714
00:35:41,931 --> 00:35:43,266
You know that tone?
715
00:35:44,016 --> 00:35:47,311
I was like, [yelling] "No. I. Said…"
716
00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:48,521
[normal voice] What?
717
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:54,068
Why am I talking to him like that?
I love him.
718
00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:56,654
[woman howling]
719
00:35:57,488 --> 00:36:00,783
Name the good, name the bad.
That's how you get over it, celebrate it.
720
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:03,953
Honestly, like, what I love
about me and my husband
721
00:36:04,036 --> 00:36:06,581
is that we're real partners, right?
722
00:36:06,664 --> 00:36:08,749
Like, we celebrate each other's wins.
723
00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:11,252
And if you're with someone
who's jealous of you,
724
00:36:11,335 --> 00:36:14,589
they don't understand your power
because they're not in their power.
725
00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,425
[audience cheers and applauds]
726
00:36:18,593 --> 00:36:19,719
Oh my goodness.
727
00:36:19,802 --> 00:36:21,679
Look at me, shoulder pads.
728
00:36:23,139 --> 00:36:24,307
Dropping some wisdom.
729
00:36:24,390 --> 00:36:26,559
Where's the donation basket? Come on, now.
730
00:36:26,642 --> 00:36:28,352
[audience laughs]
731
00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:31,189
[Michelle chuckles]
732
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:33,274
Truly, we celebrate shit.
733
00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:37,445
I celebrate the small things. You got to,
otherwise you have nothing to celebrate.
734
00:36:37,528 --> 00:36:41,240
I'll pop a bottle of champagne on
Wednesday 'cause I paid a parking ticket.
735
00:36:41,824 --> 00:36:42,825
[crowd cheers]
736
00:36:42,909 --> 00:36:44,243
That's how I'm living.
737
00:36:44,952 --> 00:36:46,329
That's what I'm doing.
738
00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:48,623
Oh my God.
739
00:36:48,706 --> 00:36:52,376
And my husband threw me a party
during the pandemic just for me.
740
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:56,047
Because we found out Lenny Kravitz
followed me on Instagram.
741
00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:58,591
[audience cheering and applauding]
742
00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:01,344
[cheering swells]
743
00:37:02,762 --> 00:37:03,804
[Michelle] What?
744
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:05,932
What?
745
00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:10,102
Crazy, I came downstairs
with streamers and balloons.
746
00:37:10,186 --> 00:37:11,812
My husband's on the table, like,
747
00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:13,814
♪ American woman! ♪
748
00:37:13,898 --> 00:37:15,900
[audience laughing]
749
00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:20,446
I said, "I'm gonna suck it right off."
750
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,199
[audience applauding and cheering]
751
00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:31,249
[Michelle chuckles]
752
00:37:31,332 --> 00:37:33,334
[cheers subside]
753
00:37:34,126 --> 00:37:35,419
Happy for each other.
754
00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:38,756
But then Lenny Kravitz
keep liking my posts.
755
00:37:40,925 --> 00:37:43,844
My husband went,
"Do I got to worry about Lenny Kravitz?"
756
00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:45,471
[audience laughs]
757
00:37:46,180 --> 00:37:47,807
I said, "Yes, you do."
758
00:37:47,890 --> 00:37:49,892
[audience cheers]
759
00:37:50,851 --> 00:37:52,520
"Yes, you do."
760
00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:56,148
"Now clean them spoons, honey.
I heard we ain't got no clean spoons."
761
00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:58,234
[audience laughs]
762
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:00,319
Bitch.
763
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,905
[laughter continues]
764
00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:06,200
My husband's really into fixing stuff now.
765
00:38:06,826 --> 00:38:09,412
He's like, "Let's fix something."
I said, "I'm okay."
766
00:38:09,495 --> 00:38:10,538
[scoffs]
767
00:38:11,580 --> 00:38:14,375
"You fix it. You tell me, I will listen."
768
00:38:15,501 --> 00:38:20,339
Do you know this man came home
with a chair from the garbage?
769
00:38:21,048 --> 00:38:23,050
[audience laughs]
770
00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:26,012
[audience giggles]
771
00:38:27,221 --> 00:38:28,597
I said, "Who this for?"
772
00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:29,598
[crowd laughs]
773
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:31,517
[Michelle scoffs]
774
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,687
He was like, "I was hoping
we could fix it." I said, "No, thanks."
775
00:38:37,481 --> 00:38:39,442
He's like,
"I wanna fix something with you."
776
00:38:39,525 --> 00:38:41,569
I'm like, "What about voter suppression?"
777
00:38:41,652 --> 00:38:43,654
[audience laughing]
778
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:47,325
-"Can we do that?"
-[audience cheers and applauds]
779
00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:51,912
We like to have fun, though.
780
00:38:51,996 --> 00:38:54,540
He's really good at being high.
781
00:38:55,082 --> 00:38:57,084
[audience laughs]
782
00:38:57,793 --> 00:39:01,464
It don't matter how much or little he has,
he's like, "I'm cool, man."
783
00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:05,384
"I'm cool. Need help?
Let me help you with those bags."
784
00:39:05,468 --> 00:39:07,386
Like, he's so cool.
785
00:39:07,470 --> 00:39:10,181
Nothing gets to him.
He's like, "It's okay. It happens."
786
00:39:10,264 --> 00:39:11,140
I'm like, "What?"
787
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:15,561
Like, me, I'm not good at being high.
I want to be good at it.
788
00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:19,106
I am not, you know? I want…
789
00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:22,318
I want to serve, like,
plus-size Erykah Badu, but…
790
00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:24,153
[audience laughs]
791
00:39:25,237 --> 00:39:28,115
It ain't, it's serving
plus-size crackhead, real talk.
792
00:39:29,325 --> 00:39:32,203
Ooh, baby, if you ever saw me
in the street high,
793
00:39:32,286 --> 00:39:35,956
I'm like, "I'm sorry, I'm high.
Did you know I was high? Are my eyes red?"
794
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,167
"I'm so sorry, I'm high!"
795
00:39:39,835 --> 00:39:40,795
[trilling] "Woo!"
796
00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:42,797
"Is it game night? What are we doing?"
797
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:45,424
"Fold laundry?
Clean the fridge? Do push-ups?"
798
00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:48,928
"What should we do?
I am high!"
799
00:39:50,971 --> 00:39:52,014
"Wow!"
800
00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:55,601
[scattered laughing]
801
00:39:56,143 --> 00:39:58,687
It's not good. It's not a good look.
802
00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:02,441
My husband and I had a date night.
803
00:40:02,525 --> 00:40:04,735
One night,
I got tickets to the Knicks game,
804
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:06,320
which is a basketball team.
805
00:40:06,404 --> 00:40:08,406
[audience cheering]
806
00:40:08,989 --> 00:40:10,366
That's right, honey.
807
00:40:10,950 --> 00:40:12,451
We had courtside seats.
808
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:13,744
[crowd cheers]
809
00:40:13,828 --> 00:40:16,372
Yeah, he was very excited.
I was like, "I'm good."
810
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,417
I was like,
"I don't know about basketball."
811
00:40:19,500 --> 00:40:22,753
He's like, "It'll be fun."
I said, "You should go with somebody."
812
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:26,340
He's like, "No, it's our date night.
We should go."
813
00:40:26,966 --> 00:40:28,634
I'm like, "I guess."
814
00:40:28,717 --> 00:40:29,885
[audience laughs]
815
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:32,012
He's like,
"It'd be fun if we got high."
816
00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:34,932
[audience laughing]
817
00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:38,310
[laughter swells]
818
00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:41,063
I said, "Okay."
819
00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:42,940
[crowd laughing]
820
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:44,859
He gave me a little piece of edible.
821
00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:47,111
Nothing… Nothing crazy.
822
00:40:47,194 --> 00:40:49,947
I didn't feel anything
40 minutes later, so I was like,
823
00:40:50,030 --> 00:40:51,407
"Can I have a little more?"
824
00:40:51,490 --> 00:40:52,741
[audience groaning]
825
00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:55,369
[audience laughing]
826
00:40:57,872 --> 00:40:59,999
Everybody knows but me!
827
00:41:00,082 --> 00:41:01,417
[crowd laughs]
828
00:41:02,751 --> 00:41:05,546
There's no instructions on the side.
829
00:41:05,629 --> 00:41:07,089
[audience laughing]
830
00:41:08,215 --> 00:41:09,383
[Michelle] Woo!
831
00:41:10,968 --> 00:41:12,011
I'll tell you what.
832
00:41:12,761 --> 00:41:14,013
We got to that game,
833
00:41:14,722 --> 00:41:17,266
I was holding on to my chair
with two hands.
834
00:41:17,349 --> 00:41:20,144
[audience howling]
835
00:41:26,108 --> 00:41:29,069
[crowd continues laughing]
836
00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:32,865
"Wow…"
837
00:41:33,365 --> 00:41:35,367
"Wow…"
838
00:41:36,535 --> 00:41:37,703
-"Wow."
-[crowd laughs]
839
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:40,372
[softly] "Wow."
840
00:41:42,666 --> 00:41:48,797
Like, I don't know if you guys have ever
seen a kite with freckles and big hair.
841
00:41:48,881 --> 00:41:50,883
[audience laughing]
842
00:41:51,842 --> 00:41:52,843
That was me.
843
00:41:53,385 --> 00:41:54,303
[crowd laughs]
844
00:41:54,386 --> 00:41:56,680
Like, I didn't know
if I was talking to myself
845
00:41:57,681 --> 00:41:58,682
out loud,
846
00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:01,852
or if it was an inside voice.
847
00:42:02,436 --> 00:42:03,687
[crowd laughs]
848
00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:05,314
[hoarsely] She was out here.
849
00:42:06,398 --> 00:42:10,778
I was like, "Wow."
850
00:42:10,861 --> 00:42:11,862
I was like,
851
00:42:12,905 --> 00:42:15,658
♪ Butterfly in the sky ♪
852
00:42:15,741 --> 00:42:17,743
[audience cheers and laughs]
853
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:22,581
♪ I feel twice as high ♪
854
00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:24,750
♪ Take a look ♪
855
00:42:24,833 --> 00:42:26,418
[audience] ♪ It's in a book ♪
856
00:42:26,502 --> 00:42:28,546
♪ A Reading Rainbow ♪
857
00:42:28,629 --> 00:42:31,048
Yeah!
858
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:33,509
[audience cheers and applauds]
859
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,556
[woman] Woo!
860
00:42:41,267 --> 00:42:42,518
Oh my goodness.
861
00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:47,147
I was nice, nice.
862
00:42:48,107 --> 00:42:49,400
[woman chuckles]
863
00:42:49,483 --> 00:42:51,026
And then the game started.
864
00:42:51,110 --> 00:42:52,403
[crowd laughs]
865
00:42:56,699 --> 00:42:58,075
[exhales]
866
00:42:59,493 --> 00:43:00,995
Then the paranoia set in.
867
00:43:01,662 --> 00:43:03,664
[audience laughs]
868
00:43:04,540 --> 00:43:07,626
The announcer was just so… loud.
869
00:43:07,710 --> 00:43:09,169
[crowd laughing]
870
00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:13,215
I was shook, it felt like Cloverfield.
I was like…
871
00:43:14,049 --> 00:43:14,883
"We got to go."
872
00:43:14,967 --> 00:43:21,056
-He was like… [inaudible shouting]
-[air horn sound plays]
873
00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:24,351
[audience laughing]
874
00:43:29,231 --> 00:43:32,818
Then the players came out,
I was like, "We are not safe."
875
00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:35,321
[audience laughs]
876
00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:40,576
[laughing continues]
877
00:43:43,037 --> 00:43:45,414
They were so tall.
878
00:43:45,497 --> 00:43:46,707
[crowd laughs]
879
00:43:47,249 --> 00:43:48,584
It was all
880
00:43:48,667 --> 00:43:50,669
Adam's apples and kneecaps.
881
00:43:51,211 --> 00:43:53,213
[audience laughing]
882
00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:55,924
They look like Sigourney Weaver
as an Avatar.
883
00:43:56,008 --> 00:43:57,760
I was like, "No."
884
00:43:57,843 --> 00:43:59,136
[audience laughing]
885
00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:00,763
"No, thank you."
886
00:44:02,014 --> 00:44:05,017
I tried to get my husband's
attention like, [whispers] "Baby."
887
00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:07,311
[straining] "Baby."
888
00:44:08,395 --> 00:44:10,856
-[moaning] "Baby."
-[audience laughing]
889
00:44:12,733 --> 00:44:14,652
He's like, "What's up?
Why you whispering?"
890
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:18,530
I said, "'Cause the players can hear me."
891
00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:21,325
[audience laughing]
892
00:44:24,161 --> 00:44:26,121
I said, "We got to go."
893
00:44:27,873 --> 00:44:30,084
He's like, "It's been eight minutes."
894
00:44:30,167 --> 00:44:31,960
[audience laughing]
895
00:44:33,587 --> 00:44:37,341
I said, "I'm really sorry,
but we got to go."
896
00:44:38,592 --> 00:44:41,178
"I am very high."
897
00:44:41,261 --> 00:44:43,263
[audience laughs]
898
00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:47,768
And this is why I love my husband.
He's like, "It's okay, baby."
899
00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:50,062
"Just enjoy it."
900
00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:53,065
"Just enjoy the ride."
901
00:44:54,066 --> 00:44:55,317
"Ride the wave."
902
00:44:56,610 --> 00:44:57,945
"Taste the rainbow."
903
00:44:58,028 --> 00:45:00,030
[audience laughs]
904
00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:03,367
He's like, "Just focus on something,
905
00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:04,868
and just like it."
906
00:45:05,536 --> 00:45:06,453
"Okay?"
907
00:45:06,537 --> 00:45:09,623
All positive vibes.
He's like, "No one can hear you."
908
00:45:11,125 --> 00:45:12,042
"Anymore."
909
00:45:12,543 --> 00:45:14,545
[audience laughs]
910
00:45:15,212 --> 00:45:17,631
And so, I actually did see a car…
911
00:45:18,173 --> 00:45:20,092
in the corner of the court.
912
00:45:21,009 --> 00:45:24,596
And this car was beautiful,
the lights were on.
913
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:25,848
It was, like,
914
00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:27,558
going around in a circle.
915
00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:30,644
And I was like,
"That is really nice. Like… "
916
00:45:31,311 --> 00:45:33,021
"I wonder who's going to get it."
917
00:45:33,105 --> 00:45:34,148
[crowd laughs]
918
00:45:34,231 --> 00:45:36,942
"Where do they live?
What kind of life will they have?"
919
00:45:37,818 --> 00:45:40,070
"Are they gonna put
the Christmas tree on top?"
920
00:45:41,613 --> 00:45:42,906
Then I asked my husband,
921
00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:46,452
I was like, "Baby, when do we find out
who wins the car?"
922
00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:48,328
[audience laughs]
923
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:49,705
He was like, "What?"
924
00:45:49,788 --> 00:45:51,665
[audience laughing]
925
00:45:51,749 --> 00:45:54,293
I said, "When do we find out
926
00:45:55,127 --> 00:45:57,629
who wins the car?"
927
00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:03,552
And he goes, "Baby, no one's
going to win it." And I was like, "What?"
928
00:46:04,928 --> 00:46:08,015
He's like, "It's advertising,
it's not Family Feud, girl."
929
00:46:08,098 --> 00:46:09,767
[audience laughing]
930
00:46:12,478 --> 00:46:14,021
And then I started to cry.
931
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:16,106
[audience howling]
932
00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:18,984
I was like, "Life ain't fair."
933
00:46:19,067 --> 00:46:20,360
[crowd laughs]
934
00:46:20,444 --> 00:46:23,071
And then he's like,
"Baby, I think we should go."
935
00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:24,782
I said, "I think we should go."
936
00:46:24,865 --> 00:46:26,241
[audience laughing]
937
00:46:27,701 --> 00:46:29,661
But can I tell y'all,
938
00:46:29,745 --> 00:46:32,748
as soon as we both agreed we should go,
939
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:35,584
they put me on the celeb cam.
940
00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:37,669
[audience laughs]
941
00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:40,172
I didn't know what to do,
942
00:46:40,255 --> 00:46:43,550
so I was just serving, like,
seventh-grade talent show. What?
943
00:46:43,634 --> 00:46:45,636
["Everybody Dance Now" plays]
944
00:46:50,682 --> 00:46:51,892
Turn it up, turn it up!
945
00:46:53,435 --> 00:46:54,895
♪ Give me the music ♪
946
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:02,402
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
947
00:47:03,362 --> 00:47:05,948
That's good. Cut it, cut it, cut it.
948
00:47:06,031 --> 00:47:07,491
[song stops]
949
00:47:07,574 --> 00:47:08,992
[audience cheering]
950
00:47:09,076 --> 00:47:09,952
Hit it!
951
00:47:10,035 --> 00:47:12,037
["Everybody Dance Now" plays]
952
00:47:15,791 --> 00:47:17,876
[audience cheers and applauds]
953
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:20,128
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
954
00:47:20,796 --> 00:47:21,672
♪ Yeah ♪
955
00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:23,757
♪ Yeah ♪
956
00:47:23,841 --> 00:47:24,716
[audience cheers]
957
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:26,260
Kill it!
958
00:47:26,343 --> 00:47:27,970
-[audience roars]
-[music fades]
959
00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:30,722
[audience applauds]
960
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,434
[woman] Woo!
961
00:47:35,561 --> 00:47:37,563
[audience laughing]
962
00:47:38,355 --> 00:47:39,273
Hit it!
963
00:47:39,815 --> 00:47:41,608
["Everybody Dance Now" playing]
964
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:47,823
[song fades]
965
00:47:47,906 --> 00:47:50,158
[chuckles] Oh my God.
966
00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:52,870
I rea-- [laughing]
967
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:56,373
Yo… [laughing]
968
00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,876
[audience laughs]
969
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:03,922
[audience cheering and applauding]
970
00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:09,553
I was like a Dominican Forrest Gump.
Like…
971
00:48:09,636 --> 00:48:11,346
[audience howling]
972
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:15,267
I bachata'd my way out that fucking game.
973
00:48:17,603 --> 00:48:19,938
It was giving fight or flight realness.
974
00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:21,189
[crowd laughs]
975
00:48:21,273 --> 00:48:23,984
So… about that story. [laughs]
976
00:48:24,067 --> 00:48:25,736
[crowd laughs]
977
00:48:25,819 --> 00:48:27,946
That's the last time
we did a date night.
978
00:48:28,030 --> 00:48:29,406
[audience laughs]
979
00:48:29,489 --> 00:48:31,366
And that's okay, you know, I'm…
980
00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:35,329
I'm a mom. I'm a working bitch.
Like, I'm just tired, like…
981
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:38,457
You know, once I start hitting
that Viola Davis like…
982
00:48:38,540 --> 00:48:40,584
[panting and coughing]
983
00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:42,127
[crowd laughing]
984
00:48:42,210 --> 00:48:44,087
Give me the rosé, put me to bed.
985
00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:48,216
So my husband and I
have actually graduated to day dates.
986
00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:50,177
Is anybody that old?
987
00:48:50,260 --> 00:48:51,470
[crowd applauds]
988
00:48:51,553 --> 00:48:53,472
Responsible adult.
989
00:48:53,555 --> 00:48:56,141
Ooh, baby. Day dates are amazing.
990
00:48:56,224 --> 00:48:59,061
It's exactly what it sounds like,
a date during the day.
991
00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:02,689
Go to a restaurant you can't get into
Saturday night on Monday afternoon.
992
00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:04,691
[audience laughing]
993
00:49:04,775 --> 00:49:08,111
You got a prix fixe menu,
you taste everything for $45.
994
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:09,446
[audience laughs]
995
00:49:09,529 --> 00:49:10,739
[Michelle laughs]
996
00:49:10,822 --> 00:49:12,282
Have some wine.
997
00:49:12,366 --> 00:49:15,702
Go home in the afternoon,
sit and spin on that dick.
998
00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:17,788
[audience laughing]
999
00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:20,415
Take a shower, get the hot spots,
1000
00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:23,502
pick the kids up from school
in a good-ass mood!
1001
00:49:23,585 --> 00:49:24,544
[crowd laughing]
1002
00:49:25,504 --> 00:49:29,091
Oh, I'm sorry, half of y'all picking
your kids up smelling like badussy?
1003
00:49:29,174 --> 00:49:31,176
[audience laughing]
1004
00:49:35,263 --> 00:49:37,265
[audience chuckling]
1005
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:41,144
Okay.
1006
00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:42,521
[Michelle laughs]
1007
00:49:43,355 --> 00:49:45,607
My husband surprised me
with this day date and…
1008
00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:50,570
[sighs] Yes, he is white, but this…
I don't want to say this is about race,
1009
00:49:51,488 --> 00:49:53,865
but this is the whitest shit
I've ever heard.
1010
00:49:54,658 --> 00:49:56,868
Who is white here, in the front?
1011
00:49:56,952 --> 00:49:59,162
Thank you so much.
1012
00:50:00,497 --> 00:50:01,707
What's your name?
1013
00:50:01,790 --> 00:50:03,166
-Pearl.
-Pearl?
1014
00:50:03,250 --> 00:50:04,793
-Come on.
-[audience laughs]
1015
00:50:05,877 --> 00:50:06,962
Pearl?
1016
00:50:09,923 --> 00:50:12,342
Didn't expect you'd have
the whitest, oldest name.
1017
00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:13,844
[audience laughs]
1018
00:50:13,927 --> 00:50:15,429
I love your grandma.
1019
00:50:17,931 --> 00:50:18,932
Okay, Pearl.
1020
00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:22,519
You tell me if this is white as fuck.
1021
00:50:23,311 --> 00:50:25,814
And you got be like,
"That is white as fuck." Okay?
1022
00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:31,403
My husband came home,
and he said, "Baby, I got us two tickets
1023
00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:33,280
to a reptile sanctuary."
1024
00:50:33,905 --> 00:50:35,407
[crowd laughs]
1025
00:50:35,490 --> 00:50:36,908
Pearl.
1026
00:50:36,992 --> 00:50:39,536
-That's white as fuck.
-White as fuck. Thank you.
1027
00:50:39,619 --> 00:50:41,621
[audience laughing and applauding]
1028
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:44,833
So I told him, I was like, "Baby,
1029
00:50:46,168 --> 00:50:48,336
I can't go to a reptile sanctuary."
1030
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:51,048
"That's-- that's crazy."
1031
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:54,051
He's like, "We gotta go,
the tickets were cheap."
1032
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:55,385
I'm like, "You pay?"
1033
00:50:55,469 --> 00:50:57,471
[audience laughing]
1034
00:51:01,850 --> 00:51:03,643
"They should be paying us."
1035
00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:04,936
[crowd chuckling]
1036
00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:10,150
I looked at him,
I was like, "Are you the reptile guy?"
1037
00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:13,779
"I married the reptile guy?"
He's like, "The reptile guy?"
1038
00:51:13,862 --> 00:51:16,281
I said, "You don't know the reptile guy?"
1039
00:51:17,407 --> 00:51:20,368
"It's the guy whose, like,
best friends are his lizards."
1040
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:23,038
"He lives with his mom for too long."
1041
00:51:24,289 --> 00:51:27,667
"Doesn't have a comforter.
Just got a dusty sheet, fucking monster."
1042
00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:29,377
[audience chucking]
1043
00:51:29,461 --> 00:51:32,005
"His favorite movie is Scarface.
He's got the poster."
1044
00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,466
"No frame, just tacks? Yuck."
1045
00:51:34,549 --> 00:51:36,551
[audience laughing]
1046
00:51:37,803 --> 00:51:39,471
"He just got fired from Jiffy Lube,
1047
00:51:39,554 --> 00:51:42,057
he's got a pull-up bar
so his door never closes."
1048
00:51:42,140 --> 00:51:44,142
[crowd chuckling]
1049
00:51:46,061 --> 00:51:50,065
"And he never wears socks 'cause they're
all crunchy around his fucking floor."
1050
00:51:50,148 --> 00:51:52,484
[audience laughs and groans]
1051
00:51:52,567 --> 00:51:56,196
Don't ask me how I know the reptile guy.
This is what I've heard.
1052
00:51:58,573 --> 00:52:01,743
My husband is just like,
"I am not the reptile guy,
1053
00:52:02,828 --> 00:52:06,206
but I really want to go."
And then he hit me with this European shit
1054
00:52:06,289 --> 00:52:08,416
when he knows
how to get me to do something.
1055
00:52:08,500 --> 00:52:10,585
He's like, "You know, it just feels like
1056
00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:14,631
Americans stop learning in school
and then never want to learn."
1057
00:52:14,714 --> 00:52:16,716
[audience groaning]
1058
00:52:18,176 --> 00:52:21,388
I was like, "How dare you be so accurate?"
1059
00:52:21,471 --> 00:52:23,473
[audience laughing]
1060
00:52:24,724 --> 00:52:27,811
I was like, "Fine. I will go
look at lizards with you."
1061
00:52:28,562 --> 00:52:29,938
"Because I love you."
1062
00:52:30,981 --> 00:52:32,440
And he goes, "You know,
1063
00:52:33,275 --> 00:52:35,443
it might be fun
if we got a little high."
1064
00:52:35,944 --> 00:52:37,946
[audience laughing]
1065
00:52:41,658 --> 00:52:43,326
So I took an edible.
1066
00:52:45,453 --> 00:52:47,122
But this time, I only took one.
1067
00:52:47,956 --> 00:52:49,791
And it was wonderful.
1068
00:52:50,375 --> 00:52:53,837
All you have to do is just wait
two hours and 17 minutes.
1069
00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:55,922
[crowd roaring]
1070
00:52:58,049 --> 00:53:00,010
And it was great. I was in a good mood.
1071
00:53:00,093 --> 00:53:03,430
Nothing was fazing me. I felt joyful.
1072
00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:06,057
You know, I was, like, driving us
1073
00:53:07,058 --> 00:53:09,978
to the reptile sanctuary
in the Bronx in my minivan.
1074
00:53:10,061 --> 00:53:11,730
I'm not proud of that sentence.
1075
00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:14,316
[audience chuckling]
1076
00:53:14,900 --> 00:53:16,902
In the Bronx, everyone's got road rage.
1077
00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:20,614
They're, like, "Move over, bitch."
"Learn how to park." Whatever, and I…
1078
00:53:21,448 --> 00:53:22,532
couldn't even care…
1079
00:53:22,616 --> 00:53:26,369
Usually I would yell back,
but I was just, like, "I hope you heal."
1080
00:53:26,870 --> 00:53:28,872
[audience laughing]
1081
00:53:34,586 --> 00:53:37,547
I was like, "Being high is wonderful."
1082
00:53:39,007 --> 00:53:41,593
I was in the pocket. I found parking.
1083
00:53:41,676 --> 00:53:43,261
Or did it find us?
1084
00:53:43,345 --> 00:53:45,347
-[audience laughing]
-[Michelle] Woo!
1085
00:53:52,270 --> 00:53:55,690
What I didn't expect
was this to be a tour.
1086
00:53:56,816 --> 00:53:58,652
We were with other people.
1087
00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:00,820
They were giving,
1088
00:54:01,696 --> 00:54:03,406
"Shoes optional at Walmart."
1089
00:54:03,490 --> 00:54:05,492
[audience laughing and groaning]
1090
00:54:10,288 --> 00:54:11,498
You know?
1091
00:54:11,581 --> 00:54:14,709
They were giving, like,
third-generation January 6.
1092
00:54:14,793 --> 00:54:16,378
[crowd chuckling and groaning]
1093
00:54:16,461 --> 00:54:19,130
Yeah. You get it.
1094
00:54:20,131 --> 00:54:23,176
You know, it was a lot of camouflage,
but I see you.
1095
00:54:23,260 --> 00:54:25,470
[audience laughing]
1096
00:54:27,722 --> 00:54:29,724
[scattered applause]
1097
00:54:30,684 --> 00:54:31,768
But I didn't care.
1098
00:54:31,851 --> 00:54:35,146
It was like Cowboy Carter.
I was like, "This is everyone's America."
1099
00:54:35,230 --> 00:54:37,232
[crowd laughing]
1100
00:54:37,816 --> 00:54:38,858
"This ain't Texas."
1101
00:54:41,027 --> 00:54:42,112
[Michelle chuckling]
1102
00:54:42,904 --> 00:54:44,990
And it was pretty interesting.
1103
00:54:45,073 --> 00:54:49,786
The most fascinating thing I learned about
was a lizard called "the bearded dragon."
1104
00:54:49,869 --> 00:54:51,830
[audience laughs]
1105
00:54:51,913 --> 00:54:55,792
It wasn't a dragon, it was more like
a plus-size lizard, I called it Lizzo.
1106
00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:58,420
[crowd laughing]
1107
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:01,881
I thought it was funny,
people had mixed reactions.
1108
00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:05,719
Just trying to be body-positive.
1109
00:55:07,262 --> 00:55:11,266
Fascinating thing about the bearded dragon
is that it can change its gender.
1110
00:55:11,891 --> 00:55:15,145
And I was like, "Okay.
We've all had a night like that or two."
1111
00:55:15,228 --> 00:55:16,896
-[Michelle chuckles]
-[crowd laughs]
1112
00:55:16,980 --> 00:55:18,356
Oh, well, at least I have.
1113
00:55:20,859 --> 00:55:23,153
[audience laughing and whistling]
1114
00:55:24,279 --> 00:55:25,113
Thank you.
1115
00:55:26,948 --> 00:55:29,617
And when we walked into
the bearded dragon sanctuary,
1116
00:55:29,701 --> 00:55:32,287
which is again,
a sentence I never thought I'd say,
1117
00:55:32,954 --> 00:55:36,166
it came right up to me,
and I was like, "Okay."
1118
00:55:36,249 --> 00:55:38,835
And put it's, like,
little paw on the window.
1119
00:55:38,918 --> 00:55:40,253
I said, "Oh, here we go."
1120
00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:46,509
Everyone's like, "It likes you."
I'm like, "I'm a Leo. I have good energy."
1121
00:55:46,593 --> 00:55:48,595
[audience laughing]
1122
00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:52,891
We're just taking our moment,
1123
00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:57,020
and we're sort of mimicking each other,
becoming best friends.
1124
00:55:57,854 --> 00:55:59,397
I was there so long,
1125
00:55:59,481 --> 00:56:02,317
I felt like that white girl
in that John Travolta movie,
1126
00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:03,610
Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
1127
00:56:05,028 --> 00:56:07,530
Do you remember that movie?
No one remembers it.
1128
00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:09,491
Please go home and check it out.
1129
00:56:10,033 --> 00:56:13,870
John Travolta, in the '70s,
made a movie, Boy in the Plastic Bubble,
1130
00:56:13,953 --> 00:56:15,622
where he has an autoimmune disease.
1131
00:56:15,705 --> 00:56:18,291
So he has to live in a plastic bubble
in his house.
1132
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:21,461
But he has shoes on.
I'm like, "Where you going, John?"
1133
00:56:21,544 --> 00:56:23,963
[audience laughs]
1134
00:56:24,047 --> 00:56:27,884
"Where?" A lot of holes in that story,
not in the plastic bubble, anyways…
1135
00:56:32,972 --> 00:56:36,726
So we're just vibing, right?
I'm like, "Oh my God, this is amazing."
1136
00:56:38,228 --> 00:56:41,648
Then its eyes start to roll back.
I was like, "Go off."
1137
00:56:41,731 --> 00:56:43,400
[crowd laughing]
1138
00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:45,777
And then the lizard goes, "Come here."
1139
00:56:46,569 --> 00:56:48,571
[audience laughing]
1140
00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:57,831
[audience continues laughing]
1141
00:57:04,003 --> 00:57:04,838
"Yeah?"
1142
00:57:06,965 --> 00:57:07,966
And it says,
1143
00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:11,678
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
1144
00:57:11,761 --> 00:57:13,012
What?
1145
00:57:13,096 --> 00:57:15,098
[audience roaring]
1146
00:57:18,017 --> 00:57:19,686
They're not even married!
1147
00:57:21,688 --> 00:57:25,150
It was wild, and the tour guide
was, like, so happy.
1148
00:57:25,233 --> 00:57:28,862
He's like, "She never does this.
She trusts you, she loves you."
1149
00:57:28,945 --> 00:57:30,280
I was like, "She sure do,
1150
00:57:30,363 --> 00:57:33,283
but honestly, right now,
it's giving they/them, okay?"
1151
00:57:33,366 --> 00:57:35,118
[crowd laughing]
1152
00:57:35,201 --> 00:57:36,744
Just being on the real, real.
1153
00:57:37,787 --> 00:57:41,249
And then I heard a voice
in the pack of camouflage,
1154
00:57:42,083 --> 00:57:43,251
say… "Ah,"
1155
00:57:44,461 --> 00:57:45,879
"You one of them woke ones?"
1156
00:57:46,379 --> 00:57:48,423
[crowd hooting]
1157
00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:52,469
And so, you know, I'm a little high.
1158
00:57:52,552 --> 00:57:54,554
[audience chuckling]
1159
00:57:55,221 --> 00:57:56,097
And I go,
1160
00:57:56,181 --> 00:57:57,140
"What did you say?"
1161
00:57:57,223 --> 00:57:59,517
"I couldn't hear
through your four good teeth."
1162
00:58:00,018 --> 00:58:02,437
[audience laughing and applauding]
1163
00:58:04,772 --> 00:58:05,607
"What?"
1164
00:58:07,609 --> 00:58:08,651
"What?"
1165
00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:10,820
And she goes,
1166
00:58:11,446 --> 00:58:13,990
"I asked you if you were a woke bitch."
1167
00:58:14,073 --> 00:58:16,117
[crowd gasping]
1168
00:58:16,201 --> 00:58:19,370
I look at my husband and I go,
"Did she just call me a bitch?"
1169
00:58:20,288 --> 00:58:21,873
And he goes like this…
1170
00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:25,335
[audience laughing]
1171
00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:31,799
[laughter swells]
1172
00:58:42,977 --> 00:58:44,145
And I said,
1173
00:58:45,271 --> 00:58:46,898
"Yeah, I, Tonya."
1174
00:58:46,981 --> 00:58:49,234
[audience laughs and groans]
1175
00:58:55,073 --> 00:58:57,408
"I'm one of them woke ones. What's up?"
1176
00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:02,497
I didn't mean to poke the bear,
but bitch, don't come for me.
1177
00:59:03,790 --> 00:59:05,458
Then she just started going off.
1178
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:10,255
She's like, "They/them. They trying to
get us to say 'they/them' all the time."
1179
00:59:10,338 --> 00:59:12,799
I was like,
"Sis, you said it, like, seven times."
1180
00:59:12,882 --> 00:59:14,717
[audience laughing]
1181
00:59:14,801 --> 00:59:16,970
"You could do it.
You just did. It's fine."
1182
00:59:17,887 --> 00:59:18,888
"Or don't, whatever."
1183
00:59:18,972 --> 00:59:22,809
I was like, "Honestly, if I can be married
to someone named 'Gijs'…
1184
00:59:22,892 --> 00:59:24,811
[crowd laughs]
1185
00:59:24,894 --> 00:59:26,396
…you can say 'they/them.'"
1186
00:59:26,896 --> 00:59:28,982
[audience laughing]
1187
00:59:30,275 --> 00:59:33,778
And then she said,
"I am so tired of this bullshit phase,
1188
00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:36,114
this non-binary, trans bullshit phase."
1189
00:59:36,698 --> 00:59:38,575
That's what she said. I was like,
1190
00:59:38,658 --> 00:59:41,160
"Look, I don't think it's a phase."
1191
00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,955
"Like, walking down the street,
living your truth
1192
00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:46,457
as a non-binary or trans person,
1193
00:59:47,959 --> 00:59:51,462
while you know somebody
could want to hurt you or kill you
1194
00:59:51,546 --> 00:59:53,881
is not a phase, that's bravery."
1195
00:59:54,382 --> 00:59:56,884
[audience cheers and applauds]
1196
01:00:02,098 --> 01:00:03,641
I said, "Yo."
1197
01:00:03,725 --> 01:00:05,810
"Them tattooed eyebrows on your face?"
1198
01:00:05,893 --> 01:00:07,895
[crowd laughs]
1199
01:00:08,938 --> 01:00:10,023
"That's a phase."
1200
01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:12,066
[audience laughs]
1201
01:00:12,150 --> 01:00:14,694
"That's not a good one.
You ain't got no friends?"
1202
01:00:16,863 --> 01:00:19,991
Then she just kept coming for me.
I'm like, "Am I on Fox News?"
1203
01:00:20,074 --> 01:00:22,243
"Is this a low-budget
Laura Ingraham? What…"
1204
01:00:23,036 --> 01:00:25,788
See why I don't want to see lizards?
See what I mean?
1205
01:00:26,664 --> 01:00:29,667
She just kept going on and on.
She's like, "But biology."
1206
01:00:29,751 --> 01:00:30,835
I'm like, "Spell it."
1207
01:00:30,918 --> 01:00:33,171
[audience laughing]
1208
01:00:37,508 --> 01:00:40,094
She's like, "I don't trust
what's between their legs."
1209
01:00:40,178 --> 01:00:42,805
"What's between their legs?
I don't trust what's between their legs."
1210
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:46,142
I'm like, "Why do you give a shit
what's between someone's legs?"
1211
01:00:46,225 --> 01:00:50,021
"You sound crazy. If you ain't
feeding, fucking, or financing, fuck off."
1212
01:00:50,104 --> 01:00:51,981
[audience cheers and applauds]
1213
01:00:52,065 --> 01:00:53,232
[Michelle] "Ma'am."
1214
01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:57,612
She just kept going in,
and I just kept trying to answer her.
1215
01:00:57,695 --> 01:01:00,573
I blacked out.
I felt like a big-titty George Jefferson.
1216
01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:03,701
[imitating George Jefferson]
"Another thing, motherfucker!"
1217
01:01:03,785 --> 01:01:05,995
[normal voice] What am I… What am I doing?
1218
01:01:08,081 --> 01:01:09,707
[Michelle snickering]
1219
01:01:09,791 --> 01:01:11,793
I'm in comfy shoes to see a lizard.
1220
01:01:11,876 --> 01:01:13,961
[crowd chuckles]
1221
01:01:14,045 --> 01:01:18,216
There was so much hate, and I was like,
"You're very black-and-white with shit."
1222
01:01:18,299 --> 01:01:22,345
"I need you to live in the shades of
gray where the love and humanity exists."
1223
01:01:22,428 --> 01:01:24,305
[audience cheering and applauding]
1224
01:01:24,389 --> 01:01:26,182
"That's what I need from you."
1225
01:01:28,017 --> 01:01:31,521
"I mean, a trans woman
is no less of a woman,
1226
01:01:31,604 --> 01:01:33,523
even if you don't understand, okay?"
1227
01:01:33,606 --> 01:01:36,359
"You need to love that person.
That is someone's child."
1228
01:01:36,442 --> 01:01:38,444
[crowd applauds]
1229
01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:41,781
"I have children. I have twins.
My body couldn't carry them."
1230
01:01:41,864 --> 01:01:44,033
"We had a surrogate.
I'm no less their mom."
1231
01:01:44,117 --> 01:01:45,993
"You understand how love works?"
1232
01:01:46,077 --> 01:01:47,954
"Like, just open your minds."
1233
01:01:48,871 --> 01:01:52,083
But she kept going on,
and finally, I was like, "You know what?"
1234
01:01:52,166 --> 01:01:54,252
"I am too cute for this conversation."
1235
01:01:55,211 --> 01:01:58,589
I was a little high,
now I'm a little sober, it's okay.
1236
01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:03,344
I said, "I'll wear this outfit tomorrow
'cause people need to see it." I walk off.
1237
01:02:05,054 --> 01:02:06,931
And then she yelled back at me,
1238
01:02:07,014 --> 01:02:08,641
and she said, "And to think,
1239
01:02:08,725 --> 01:02:15,189
I was gonna tell you that I loved
your sweet potato casserole recipe!"
1240
01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:17,483
[air horn plays]
1241
01:02:17,567 --> 01:02:20,695
[audience cheering]
1242
01:02:31,414 --> 01:02:36,210
Thank you, guys, so much for supporting me
and being a part of history tonight.
1243
01:02:37,503 --> 01:02:40,298
I might be the first woman
to do a special on this stage,
1244
01:02:40,381 --> 01:02:43,092
but I better not be the fucking last!
1245
01:02:43,176 --> 01:02:45,178
[audience cheers and applauds]
1246
01:02:46,179 --> 01:02:48,473
Good night, everybody!
1247
01:02:49,056 --> 01:02:51,058
[upbeat instrumental music plays]
1248
01:02:56,647 --> 01:02:58,316
I mean…
1249
01:03:02,487 --> 01:03:05,114
I don't want… I don't want it to end.
1250
01:03:07,074 --> 01:03:09,243
I bought this suit,
I don't have to return it.
1251
01:03:10,912 --> 01:03:13,289
Hi!
1252
01:03:13,372 --> 01:03:14,332
Oh my God.
1253
01:03:14,415 --> 01:03:15,416
I love you.
1254
01:03:16,918 --> 01:03:18,461
Thank you so much.
1255
01:03:19,504 --> 01:03:21,380
You guys are the actual fucking best.
1256
01:03:21,464 --> 01:03:23,466
[audience cheering]
1257
01:03:25,551 --> 01:03:27,929
[applause swells]
1258
01:03:29,222 --> 01:03:31,349
I don't want it to end!
1259
01:03:31,432 --> 01:03:33,309
I love you so much!
1260
01:03:36,062 --> 01:03:37,271
[woman] Woo!
1261
01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:38,940
[Michelle] Oh my God.
1262
01:03:39,774 --> 01:03:41,567
Okay, I got to go. I got to go.
1263
01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:44,487
[crowd cheering]
1264
01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:51,911
[crowd cheers and applauds]
1265
01:03:58,292 --> 01:04:01,212
Oh no! My mic fell. Too much booty.
1266
01:04:03,381 --> 01:04:06,676
Give it up for homegirl over here.
I know you better, I love you.
1267
01:04:07,301 --> 01:04:08,594
I love you.
1268
01:04:08,678 --> 01:04:10,763
♪ Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch ♪
1269
01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:12,974
♪ Titties, titties, titties, titties ♪
1270
01:04:13,057 --> 01:04:17,311
♪ Bitch, bitch, bitch and titties
Bitch and titties and titties and bitch ♪
1271
01:04:17,395 --> 01:04:19,522
♪ Tits and bitties and bitties and titch ♪
1272
01:04:19,605 --> 01:04:22,441
[Michelle vocalizes]
1273
01:04:22,525 --> 01:04:23,818
[Michelle] I love you.
1274
01:04:23,901 --> 01:04:24,777
Yay!
1275
01:04:25,820 --> 01:04:26,779
Thank you.
1276
01:04:26,863 --> 01:04:28,865
[cheers and applause fade]
1277
01:04:40,167 --> 01:04:42,628
-[whoosh]
-[Wanda Sykes] Oy vey! And up!
1278
01:04:42,712 --> 01:04:44,755
Use your knees, Paige!
Come on, push it!
87831
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