All language subtitles for Michelle.Buteau.A.Buteau-ful.Mind.At.Radio.City.Music.Hall.2024.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:07,465 [woman] Don't forget, brush your teeth. 3 00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:09,718 [boy] Why do I have to brush my teeth? 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:11,511 [woman] Want your teeth to fall out? 6 00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:13,346 [boy] Only one of them. 7 00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:16,599 You're gonna need your teeth. I'll tell you why. I have to go. 8 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,810 -Mama's gonna make herstory. -[boy] What's herstory? 9 00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:22,105 I'll tell you what herstory is later. And the rest of the world. 10 00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:24,774 [upbeat instrumental music plays] 11 00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:27,777 [audience cheering and applauding] 12 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,863 [song continues playing] 13 00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:34,617 [cheering swells] 14 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,662 [audience continues cheering] 15 00:00:39,956 --> 00:00:43,752 [female MC] Are you ready to make history? 16 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,837 [audience cheers and applauds] 17 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:54,054 [female MC] Please welcome the first woman to have her own stand-up comedy special 18 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,766 at Radio City Music Hall! 19 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:03,104 Michelle Buteau! 20 00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:07,609 [audience cheering] 21 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,204 [audience continues cheering] 22 00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:23,291 [song continues playing] 23 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,673 Thank you. 24 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,594 [crowd cheering] 25 00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:41,309 [audience shouts and whistles] 26 00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,274 [music fades] 27 00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:54,197 -New York City! -[audience cheering] 28 00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,992 [crowd cheers] 29 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:01,579 [Michelle] You do it every time. 30 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:02,789 [woman 1] Woo! 31 00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,833 I love you so much. 32 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,335 [cheering swells] 33 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,965 "Okay, is she good? Is she good?" 34 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:13,591 [woman 2] Yes! 35 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:14,509 Oh man. 36 00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,010 [woman 3] We love you, Michelle! 37 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,428 I love you too, bitch. 38 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,639 [audience cheers] 39 00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:24,352 I'd motorboat you right now, but I got shit to do. 40 00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:25,436 [crowd laughs] 41 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:26,896 [Michelle sighs] 42 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:30,775 I love doing what I love and making money. 43 00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:33,153 [crowd cheering] 44 00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,238 [crowd applauding] 45 00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:39,909 What? [chuckles] 46 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,829 It's amazing. And I wish that for you. 47 00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:45,748 If you haven't done that yet, I really wish that for you. 48 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,041 [audience cheers] 49 00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,627 'Cause it's good. It's good. 50 00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:51,379 [audience laughs] 51 00:02:51,462 --> 00:02:56,467 This guy hit me up one time. He said, "I'm a food cooking producer." 52 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,928 I said, "Go off, is that a real job?" 53 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,638 [audience laughs] 54 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:03,057 "Good for you. Make your space." [chuckles] 55 00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:07,687 He said, "I'd love to do a cooking video with you because you like cooking." 56 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:10,773 I said, "I never said that. That's just my look." [snickers] 57 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,734 [audience laughs] 58 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,445 "Okay." 59 00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:20,533 He's like, "I have the perfect recipe. Sweet potato casserole." 60 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,118 And I was like, "Okay." 61 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,329 "How much does it pay?" 62 00:03:25,496 --> 00:03:30,168 And what he told me, I was surprised, because that comma was thick. 63 00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,961 [audience laughing] 64 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,881 I said, "This is a nice check." 65 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:37,133 "Do I have to show my feet or some shit?" 66 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,302 [crowd laughs] 67 00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:42,388 I've seen Euphoria, I know what the kids are doing for money. 68 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,681 [audience laughing] 69 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,143 And he said, "No, the company I work for loves you." 70 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,687 I can't legally tell you the name of the company, 71 00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:52,315 but I can tell you that it rhymes 72 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,776 with "Tampbell's Loop." 73 00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,861 [audience laughs] 74 00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:59,197 [scattered applause] 75 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,240 We all got it? 76 00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,201 There's always one. 77 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,245 [crowd laughs] 78 00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:07,497 [Michelle chuckles] 79 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:08,790 I didn't read the recipe. 80 00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:11,584 I showed up on time with a V-neck and some lip gloss. 81 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:14,545 I was like, "Let's make some casserole, honey." 82 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,631 [audience laughs] 83 00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:18,800 They handed me sweet potatoes. 84 00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:22,136 I was like, "Sweet potatoes," to the camera, "That's my nickname." 85 00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:23,388 [vocalizes] 86 00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:24,764 [crowd laughs] 87 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,391 [Michelle chuckles] 88 00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:29,435 The director's like, "This is a family recipe." I said, "I know." 89 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,104 [audience laughs] 90 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,689 [Michelle chuckles] 91 00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,358 Hamming it up. Then they handed me salt and pepper. 92 00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:38,236 I was like, "Salt-N-Pepa's here. Salt, salt, salt." 93 00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,321 [audience laughs] 94 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:44,659 [Michelle chuckles] 95 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:49,289 Then these people, and I'm going to call them people, 96 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:51,749 because I know that they're someone's child, um… 97 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:52,709 [smacks lips] 98 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:57,505 They handed me two full cups of shredded cheddar cheese. 99 00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,092 And I had the same look on my face. 100 00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:04,304 I was like, "Are we making the same recipe?" 101 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,596 [audience laughing] 102 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,724 They said, "Yeah, it ties it together." 103 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,267 I said, "Who told you that?" 104 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:11,561 [audience laughing] 105 00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:12,979 They said, "Gotta put it in." 106 00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:16,357 I said, "Listen, now, once I put it in, I can't take it out." 107 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:17,567 [crowd laughs] 108 00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,652 "It's like pee in the pool, okay?" 109 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,112 [audience laughing] 110 00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:23,573 Then these people… 111 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,908 [chuckling] 112 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,329 [audience laughing] 113 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,123 …handed me 114 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,083 a can 115 00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:36,753 of Tampbell's Loop… 116 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,088 [audience cheers and applauds] 117 00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:45,845 …Cream of Mushroom Soup. 118 00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:47,930 [audience laughs] 119 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:54,812 [Michelle sighs] 120 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,857 [audience laughing] 121 00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:01,944 Now, I don't know if y'all have ever seen 122 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,488 a fresh can… 123 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,075 of Tampbell's Loop… 124 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,868 [audience laughing] 125 00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:11,079 …Cream of Mushroom Soup, but… 126 00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:13,623 she's dense, okay? 127 00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:17,377 I was like, "Ow, we gotta put our back into it." 128 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,797 "You gotta… get a little room temperature." 129 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:21,964 [crowd laughs] 130 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,675 I mean, I'm mixing it up, and it's a mess. 131 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:27,970 It looks like a dog just had a miscarriage. 132 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:30,431 [audience groaning and laughing] 133 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:36,604 Oh, that dog got more rights for its body than I do, what you talking about? 134 00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:38,689 [audience cheering] 135 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,652 That bitch will be okay. 136 00:06:43,152 --> 00:06:44,987 [audience laughs] 137 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,533 So, I'm trying to mix it up, 138 00:06:49,158 --> 00:06:52,328 and the director's like, "What's wrong, Michelle?" [chuckles] 139 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,788 "Smile." [snickers] 140 00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:55,581 [audience laughs] 141 00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:00,420 [Michelle hums] 142 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,881 [humming continues] 143 00:07:05,466 --> 00:07:07,844 -[hums, quavers] -[audience laughs] 144 00:07:08,886 --> 00:07:10,930 [humming fades] 145 00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:16,436 So, I put this thing… 146 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,563 in the oven, 147 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,024 and I tell everybody, "Okay. Get home safe." 148 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,110 [audience laughing] 149 00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:27,238 [chuckles] 150 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:31,033 The director goes, "We gotta take it out and eat it and talk about it." 151 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,243 I said… 152 00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:34,954 "Who told you that?" 153 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,664 [audience laughs] 154 00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:40,418 He said, "All the videos, everyone's eating it and talking about it." 155 00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,171 I said, "We don't have to be them. We could be heroes." 156 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,256 [audience laughs] 157 00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:50,136 [chuckling] He… He said, "I'm so sorry, Michelle." 158 00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:54,640 "But unless you eat it and talk about it, we can't pay you. It's in your contract." 159 00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,643 So I pulled it out the oven, I was like… 160 00:07:57,727 --> 00:08:00,521 -[hums] -[audience laughs] 161 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:04,609 When I took it out of the oven, y'all, it was bubbling. 162 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,819 It looked so personal. 163 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,779 [audience laughing] 164 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:12,992 I put it on the countertop, it was just giving the "Caucacity of Nope." 165 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,495 [audience laughing] 166 00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:23,711 [sighing] So I put this thing… 167 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,173 in my mouth. 168 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:31,010 And I'm really trying to think about 169 00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:32,887 what I can spend the money on. 170 00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,972 [audience laughing] 171 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:36,682 Like a good ho. 172 00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:39,393 [audience laughing] 173 00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,354 [scattered applause] 174 00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:44,690 Thank you. Hear those people clapping? Them the hoes. 175 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,776 [audience laughs and applauds] 176 00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:48,528 With the bills. 177 00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:54,909 [chuckling] 178 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:58,579 And he was like, you know, "How do you feel?" 179 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:01,791 And I'm like, "Like I'm in an episode of Fear Factor." 180 00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:03,501 [crowd laughs] 181 00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:07,338 And he's like, "Okay, how does it taste?" I'm like, "Expensive." 182 00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:09,423 [audience laughing] 183 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:12,843 And then I wasn't crying, but it was a gentle tear, 184 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,304 and he's like, "You can go home now." [chuckles] 185 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,847 [audience laughs] 186 00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:19,433 [Michelle chuckles] 187 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,352 So he posts the video, 188 00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:23,479 and I'm like, "Who gonna see it?" 189 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:29,193 Who gonna see this 40-second video of me making sweet potato casserole, right? 190 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,611 Well… 191 00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,655 [audience laughs] 192 00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:36,284 I forgot there's this thing called Black Twitter. 193 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,703 [audience laughing] 194 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:42,373 And you know? That's my bad. The minute I saw myself trending, 195 00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:43,624 I was like, "My bad." 196 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:46,669 I forgot sweet potatoes are the Juneteenth of root vegetables. 197 00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:47,587 That… 198 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,422 is my bad. 199 00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:53,009 I need a publicist, an apology tour, I tried to get on Club Shay Shay. 200 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,051 He was booked up. 201 00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:56,137 [audience laughing] 202 00:09:57,054 --> 00:10:00,474 Amanda Seales was about to do a three-part video on my ass. 203 00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:04,353 I had to watch High on the Hog seven more times. 204 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,521 Ooh, baby! 205 00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,691 Can't be light-skinned, fucking up Black culture. 206 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,110 I won't be invited to any of the fests. 207 00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:13,195 [scattered applause] 208 00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:18,659 But I've never seen over 10,000 tweets with my name, so I was like, 209 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,161 "How bad could it be?" 210 00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:22,622 [audience laughs] 211 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:23,581 Well, 212 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,751 there was an auntie 213 00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:29,754 who posted every hour on the hour, all in caps. 214 00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,505 I said, "Okay, consistency." 215 00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,341 [chuckling] 216 00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:38,095 All in caps, she kept writing, "CALL THE COPS!" 217 00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,472 -What? -[crowd laughs] 218 00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:41,307 What? 219 00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:43,893 [scoffs] 220 00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:46,187 [chuckles] 221 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,147 We ain't gotta involve the police. 222 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:50,232 [crowd laughs] 223 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,985 Then a lot of people were like, "Is Michelle okay?" 224 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,570 I said, "Thank you so much." 225 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,280 [audience laughing] 226 00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:58,908 I don't know, I really got to look in, you know? 227 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,410 Check in on your strong friends. 228 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,121 [chuckling] 229 00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:10,419 But the most, like, hilarious, yet hurtful comment that I do remember, 230 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:13,172 somebody was just like, "Damn…" 231 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:15,883 "Sis looks like the housekeeper from Get Out." 232 00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,427 [audience laughing] 233 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,767 [imitating the housekeeper] No! 234 00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,936 No! 235 00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:31,232 [wailing] No! 236 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,777 [wailing louder] No! 237 00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:37,571 -[screaming] No! -[audience laughing] 238 00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:38,739 No! 239 00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:42,618 [audience laughing] 240 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,998 [Michelle sighs] 241 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:52,294 I just realized how crazy that shit is for you 242 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,921 if you've never seen Get Out. 243 00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:55,798 [audience laughs] 244 00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,800 Like, are you okay? 245 00:11:57,883 --> 00:11:59,260 [audience laughs] 246 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:03,097 I'm just bad at internet. I don't know how to not care. 247 00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:06,475 I either shut off or I just care too much. 248 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,770 I thought the hardest conversations I would have with my children 249 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:10,980 would be around 250 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,399 racism, being bullied, 251 00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:15,401 sexism, but I'm realizing, 252 00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:19,613 I have to figure out how to have a proper conversation with my kids, 253 00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:23,200 to have them define their worth without likes and followers. 254 00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:25,953 [audience applauds] 255 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,416 Yes, welcome to my big-titty TED Talk, bitches. 256 00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:32,501 [audience laughs] 257 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,754 With dreams as big as her shoulder pads. 258 00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:35,963 [crowd laughing] 259 00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,925 And, you know, my kids are so smart. I'm hoping it won't be hard. 260 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,260 I have five-year-old twins. 261 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,679 -[crowd cheers] -Thank you. 262 00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:48,434 I have boy-girl twins until they tell me otherwise, 'cause Mama is inclusive. 263 00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:50,352 [crowd cheers] 264 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:53,355 Let's love and evolve, mother… 265 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:56,192 They have the cutest names, I think. 266 00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,778 They have family names, Hazel and Otis. 267 00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:03,032 So cute. I got earrings with their initials. 268 00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:05,117 [audience laughs] 269 00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:09,413 [audience cheering] 270 00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,541 That's right. She's a ho for life. 271 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,585 [audience laughs] 272 00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:16,670 [audience applauds] 273 00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:20,591 Oh my goodness. Rosé, it's so wet. 274 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,344 [audience laughs] 275 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,847 I didn't realize, with twins, everybody wants to talk to you. 276 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,265 I didn't know that. 277 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:31,602 People, like, walk up to me with agency and purpose. 278 00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:34,688 They're like, "Are they twins?" I'm like, "Are you a pediatrician?" 279 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:36,774 [audience laughs] 280 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,237 But usually it's someone that's always a twin, 281 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,740 and wanna tell me they're a twin. Like, "Are they twins? I'm a twin." 282 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,159 "I don't like my twin. We share a birthday cake." 283 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,411 I'm like, "There's a war going on." 284 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,205 [audience laughing] 285 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:52,790 "What?" 286 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:54,208 "What?" 287 00:13:56,126 --> 00:14:01,090 And they just stay. "Yeah, my mom likes my twin better." I'm like, "I see why." 288 00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,508 [audience laughing] 289 00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,011 They keep talking. I'm like, "I gotta stop you there." 290 00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,389 "I'm not friendly. I just have a double chin." 291 00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:10,474 [audience laughs] 292 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,354 [Michelle chuckling] 293 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:20,359 "I'm an asshole, it's just rosé and butter. That's all it is." 294 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,278 [crowd howling] 295 00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:25,281 Makes you very approachable. Gout is very approachable. 296 00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,366 [crowd titters] 297 00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:30,911 And I didn't realize how different kids could be 298 00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:35,374 when they're the same ingredient. They are so different. Like Hazel? Wow. 299 00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:39,420 Hazel has the energy of a 53-year-old Black woman that works at the DMV. 300 00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,047 [audience laughing] 301 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,097 She is wild, she walks up in the playground, 302 00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,558 she's like, "Is this what y'all meant to do?" 303 00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:54,643 [audience laughing] 304 00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:58,522 Hazelnut. 305 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:03,903 The kids come up to me like, "Mrs. Buteau, Hazel's looking through my soul again." 306 00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:05,988 [audience laughing] 307 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:07,990 We got to do better. 308 00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:12,411 Oh my God. She's sassy. 309 00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,288 I don't know where she gets it from. 310 00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:15,956 [crowd laughs] 311 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,291 Okay, you know what? 312 00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:20,085 I understand what you're talkin' about. 313 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:23,964 However, I didn't find my voice till I was in my 30s. She's five. 314 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,299 [crowd laughing] 315 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:29,637 I was leaving the house one time in short sleeves to go food shopping, 316 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:33,015 'cause that's all I motherfucking do. 317 00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:35,184 [crowd laughing] 318 00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:39,271 And she said, "Mama, you should put on long sleeves 'cause your elbows look old." 319 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,357 [audience laughing] 320 00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:54,954 But here's the thing, she ain't wrong. My elbows look haunted as fuck. How? 321 00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:58,624 When? No one tells you about that in your 40s. 322 00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:01,210 It looks like I've been doing a plank for 22 years. 323 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,545 [audience howling] 324 00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:06,757 How would I know my elbows look like the top of a pigeon's head? 325 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:07,883 When? 326 00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:11,428 Ladies, what all I need? Ashwagandha? 327 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,846 What do I need? 328 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,641 Magnesium? These elbows look crazy. 329 00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,142 My elbows look like the guy 330 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,979 in the Indiana Jones movie, that chose the wrong cup. 331 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,606 [audience laughing] 332 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,694 Thank you, everybody over 38. Thank you. 333 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,904 Thank you. 334 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,531 -I see you. -[crowd applauds] 335 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:31,824 [Michelle laughs] 336 00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,703 Oh my God, 337 00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,705 sassy children. 338 00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,543 And they don't go to bed. 339 00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:47,172 They just are up all the time. 340 00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:52,052 She comes downstairs, 10:00 p.m. "Mama, what you doing?" I'm like, 341 00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:54,430 "Hiding my vape pen now. What's good?" 342 00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,932 [audience laughing] 343 00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:58,684 "What's up?" 344 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:02,855 "You already had two bananas. What all you need now?" 345 00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:07,192 [chuckles] 346 00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:09,570 [scoffing] My God. 347 00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:15,200 And sassy children, they go to bed late, they wake up early. 348 00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:19,121 She's up 5:30 a.m. every day. 349 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:20,998 I said, "Go back to bed, girl." 350 00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,167 "You ain't missing anything." 351 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,793 [crowd chuckles] 352 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,171 "There is nothing going on right now." 353 00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:29,506 "We don't live on a farm." 354 00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:31,050 [audience laughs] 355 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,760 "This is not the military." 356 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,596 "You can go back to bed." 357 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:37,848 Oh my God. 358 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,768 Hazel has so much energy. She is like… 359 00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:44,271 Picture DJ Khaled as a five-year-old girl. 360 00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,815 [audience laughs] 361 00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,527 She wakes up in the morning, she's like, 362 00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,821 -"Good morning, everybody!" -[air horn plays] 363 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,157 [audience applauding] 364 00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:01,080 [audience continues applauding] 365 00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:05,125 [Michelle chuckles] 366 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:08,754 -♪ All I do is twin, twin, twin! ♪ -[air horn playing] 367 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:10,839 She the best! 368 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,884 Yeah! DJ Donwill, everybody. 369 00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:16,512 [audience cheers and applauds] 370 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:18,680 [Michelle laughs] 371 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:21,683 Oh my God. 372 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:25,229 I can't talk to Otis the way I talk to Hazel, 373 00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:27,898 'cause he's so sweet and, like, quiet. 374 00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:30,776 Like, Hazel brings the Black mom out of me, 375 00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:33,779 but like a Black mom on Maury Povich. 376 00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:35,864 [audience laughing] 377 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,534 Oh, baby. We be at Target, I'm like, 378 00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,953 [seething] "Get over here, girl." 379 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:45,499 "We ain't buying no more stuff. We ain't buy… Put it down!" 380 00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:47,167 [crowd laughs] 381 00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:50,587 She makes me feel like an angry ventriloquist. "Get over here!" 382 00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:54,883 "Put it down. I said no more stuff, we ain't buying no more stuff." 383 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,553 [audience laughing] 384 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,599 [Michelle chuckling] 385 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,769 I can't talk to Otis like that. 386 00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:12,484 Otis has the energy of a tired husband holding his wife's purse at Macy's. 387 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,820 [crowd laughing] 388 00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:18,115 I see some of y'all in here tonight. Thank you so much. 389 00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:19,992 [audience chuckling] 390 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,204 Otis is so sweet. He even blinks slow when he talks. 391 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:25,372 He's like, "Mama…" 392 00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,250 [audience laughing] 393 00:19:35,465 --> 00:19:37,467 [audience continues laughing] 394 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:43,056 [Michelle chuckles] 395 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,101 I feel bad sometimes, because he's growing up in a house 396 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:50,772 with so much, like, strong female energy, but I'm also just like, "You're welcome." 397 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,816 [audience cheers] 398 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:56,987 You know? "That's the best kind of education you won't get in school." 399 00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:58,822 [chuckling] 400 00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:00,991 I feel bad for him sometimes, 401 00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:03,952 his first complete sentence when he was three years old was, 402 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,330 "Okay, everybody. Calm down." 403 00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:08,916 [audience laughs] 404 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:11,835 Otis! 405 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:17,382 I'm trying to teach him how to be a big boy around the city, you know? 406 00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,677 Walking a New York City sidewalk, ride the subway, the train. 407 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:24,097 Hold the door open for old people, all that shit. It's important. 408 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:28,644 And we were on a very crowded corner one time in New York City, 409 00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:30,395 and he yells in front of everybody, 410 00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:34,399 "Mama, the blinking hand said we can't go now!" 411 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,568 I said, "That's right, baby." 412 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:41,156 And then strangers were just like, "Good job, Mama." 413 00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:44,117 "Good job…" And parents know 414 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:47,371 when your kid does something right in public, you're like, 415 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,040 "I am a fucking angel." 416 00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:51,875 [audience laughing] 417 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:57,881 "I am a walking angel. What are you childless fucks doing? Recycling? Okay." 418 00:20:58,423 --> 00:20:59,633 "Okay." 419 00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:03,971 "Composting? Okay." 420 00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:08,350 We are leaving it better than how we found it. 421 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,646 Otis caught wind, and he was very proud of himself. 422 00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:16,692 And so then he yells, "Mama, the white man said we can go now!" 423 00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,777 [audience laughing] 424 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,162 [audience continues laughing] 425 00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:33,792 Oh my God. 426 00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:37,087 So I call this story "Birth Control." 427 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,842 'Cause if you were thinking about having a kid, listen to this and decide. 428 00:21:41,925 --> 00:21:43,677 [crowd laughs] 429 00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:46,680 Otis had a big booger in his nose. 430 00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:51,184 A big booger and he's like, "Mama, how do I get this out?" 431 00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:54,104 Like, "That's a real question?" Know when your kid says something 432 00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:56,565 you're like, "I'm worried for the rest of your life"? 433 00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:58,608 [crowd laughing] 434 00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:00,402 I said, "Put your finger in there, 435 00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,529 dig like you're looking for an answer." 436 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,406 [audience chuckles] 437 00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:06,616 What am I, Mr. Rogers? I don't know. 438 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:12,039 He had a hard time getting it. I was like, "Otis, this is hard to watch." 439 00:22:12,539 --> 00:22:15,000 [audience laughing] 440 00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:17,461 "I'm gonna be honest with ya." 441 00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:20,213 His head was leaning back. 442 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,382 Chasing himself like a dog chasing his tail. 443 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:26,011 I was like, "This is not how I want to remember you, you know?" 444 00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:27,095 [crowd laughs] 445 00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:30,098 He's like, "Mama, I can't get it." I'm like, "I see that." 446 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,061 I should also mention we were boarding a flight. 447 00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:36,146 [audience laughs] 448 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:38,648 [Michelle chuckles] 449 00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:40,942 And he said, "Mama, I can't get it." 450 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,362 And so, I made a decision. 451 00:22:44,988 --> 00:22:46,531 I went in there and I got it. 452 00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:47,783 [crowd laughs] 453 00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:51,411 And then he did a move I've never seen a human body do. 454 00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:54,539 He folded like a beach chair. 455 00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:55,999 [crowd laughs] 456 00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:59,211 Laid out on the floor. He was like… [squeaking sounds] 457 00:22:59,294 --> 00:23:00,337 And then laid. 458 00:23:01,922 --> 00:23:02,756 What? 459 00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:04,633 And lay down. 460 00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:07,344 And then he yelled… 461 00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:08,387 [chuckling] 462 00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:11,306 "Mama, I want to get my booger!" 463 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,893 And then he says, "Put it back." 464 00:23:14,976 --> 00:23:16,978 [audience laughs] 465 00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,193 And there were people behind me. 466 00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:25,612 And I had a decision to make. 467 00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:27,989 So I put it back. 468 00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:30,075 [audience laughing and groaning] 469 00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:33,120 [scattered applause] 470 00:23:33,620 --> 00:23:37,624 See, half y'all clap and half y'all judge, and I see that shit. Okay? 471 00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:39,042 That's how people looked at me. 472 00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:42,129 I wanted to yell at them, like, "I used to be cool, okay?" 473 00:23:42,212 --> 00:23:44,756 "I was cool. I've done cocaine off of a dick, 474 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,385 I know how complicated noses can be, bitch." 475 00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:50,470 "Enjoy your overhead space." 476 00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,640 [scattered cheering and clapping] 477 00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:01,857 [Michelle chuckling] 478 00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:06,069 It's a good time to give my mom a shout-out in the audience. 479 00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:08,864 [audience cheers and applauds] 480 00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:11,199 Hi, Mom. 481 00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:12,784 Hi, Marie. 482 00:24:15,036 --> 00:24:16,371 [chuckles] 483 00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:18,790 Oh man, I must have been a sassy kid, 484 00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:21,084 'cause I feel her bone density be different. 485 00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:22,043 [crowd laughs] 486 00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:24,713 Like, I get it now, you know? 487 00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:26,423 I don't like to complain, 488 00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,175 but I feel run-down, y'all. 489 00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:32,345 You know, like, don't let the sequence and tulle fool you. 490 00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:33,430 [crowd laughs] 491 00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:36,850 I am run-down, like, if you come to my house, 492 00:24:36,933 --> 00:24:38,351 5:30 every night, 493 00:24:38,435 --> 00:24:42,814 you can catch me on the couch, and I am serving Viola Davis tired. 494 00:24:43,398 --> 00:24:45,150 [audience laughs] 495 00:24:45,233 --> 00:24:48,320 [puffing and panting] 496 00:24:48,403 --> 00:24:50,906 [labored breathing] 497 00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:53,825 [imitating Viola Davis] "I'm so tired." 498 00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:56,536 [fake crying] 499 00:24:57,287 --> 00:24:58,163 [gasps] 500 00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:01,958 [normal voice] So tired. 501 00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:05,128 Now I know why my mom looks like that. 502 00:25:05,212 --> 00:25:06,546 [audience chuckling] 503 00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:10,091 My mom looks like a husky dog in Miami, like… 504 00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:14,513 I don't know if she's thirsty or smiling, it's just… 505 00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,598 [audience laughing] 506 00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:20,477 [panting heavily] 507 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:22,020 [huffs] 508 00:25:22,103 --> 00:25:25,649 She always looks like she's asking the question and answering it, like… 509 00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:28,735 [audience laughing] 510 00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:33,865 [Michelle panting heavily] 511 00:25:39,162 --> 00:25:40,372 Now I get it. 512 00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:43,416 Now I get it. 513 00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:45,961 I feel like 514 00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:50,423 the door at the end of the movie Titanic. 515 00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:54,594 [audience laughing] 516 00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:59,349 Just, like, less buoyant, 517 00:25:59,432 --> 00:26:01,184 and everyone's climbing on. 518 00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:05,355 My whole family is trying to take a seat. 519 00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:07,065 [crowd chuckling] 520 00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:09,025 And my whistle won't work, I'm like… 521 00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:11,528 [blows a raspberry] 522 00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,823 [keeps blowing a raspberry] 523 00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:18,618 [blows a raspberry harder] 524 00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:20,954 [blows a faint raspberry] 525 00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:24,457 [audience tittering] 526 00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:27,752 I get it! 527 00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:30,505 I get it. 528 00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:33,675 I didn't even realize, like, 529 00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:37,929 you could hurt yourself when you're taking care of kids, 530 00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:40,515 'cause you're not thinking about how you move your body. 531 00:26:41,016 --> 00:26:45,520 And I hurt myself 'cause I'm bending over all the time, and not in the way I like. 532 00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:46,896 Air horn! 533 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:48,732 [air horn sound plays] 534 00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:51,359 [audience applauding] 535 00:26:54,696 --> 00:26:56,698 [chuckling] 536 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:58,199 Thank you. 537 00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:01,453 I hurt myself real bad one time. 538 00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:04,623 And my husband was like, "I think you got sciatica." 539 00:27:05,582 --> 00:27:08,251 And I didn't even know what it was. That's how young I was. 540 00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:10,837 [audience laughs] 541 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,922 I thought it was an overpriced pasta. 542 00:27:13,006 --> 00:27:15,383 [audience laughs] 543 00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,135 He said, "I think it's sciatica." 544 00:27:17,218 --> 00:27:19,679 I said, "Check the receipt. It's Penne Pomodoro." 545 00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:21,765 [audience laughs] 546 00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:26,478 That's how young I was. 547 00:27:26,561 --> 00:27:28,563 Make some noise if you know what sciatica is. 548 00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:32,984 -[audience cheers] -Yes! I love a grown crowd. 549 00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:36,946 Thanks for keeping your muscles in check. "I can't come to the show tonight." 550 00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:40,158 "My sciatica is picking up right now." 551 00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:45,622 Oh my God, I have readers now, what? I can't see a menu. I'm that bitch. 552 00:27:45,705 --> 00:27:47,540 "Turn your light on." 553 00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:49,000 [crowd laughs] 554 00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:51,252 "Why are these restaurants so dark?" 555 00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:53,505 [audience laughs] 556 00:27:54,297 --> 00:27:55,423 I'm this old. 557 00:27:56,841 --> 00:27:58,843 [audience laughs] 558 00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:02,430 Oh my God, I hurt myself with the sciatica and I went to the doctor. 559 00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:04,599 He gave me athlete's-grade ibuprofen. 560 00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:07,227 I was like, "Yes, I am an athlete, good job." 561 00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:09,521 [crowd chuckling] 562 00:28:09,604 --> 00:28:12,524 And he gave me a Theragun. Y'all know what a Theragun is? 563 00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:13,525 [cheers] 564 00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:14,984 Awesome. I didn't know. 565 00:28:15,068 --> 00:28:19,406 I was like, "Okay, massage gun helping me out through the day." 566 00:28:19,489 --> 00:28:20,865 "Come on." 567 00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:22,617 And I couldn't go nowhere, 568 00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:26,287 so I had a friend over and she happens to be a beautiful Black lesbian. 569 00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:27,622 I call her "The Oracle." 570 00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:29,457 [crowd laughing] 571 00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:31,376 She ever-knowing and glowing. 572 00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:36,089 And she saw my Theragun on my table and she goes, "Okay." 573 00:28:36,631 --> 00:28:38,633 [audience laughs] 574 00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:45,640 I said, "Girl, that's for my sciatica." And she's like, "Whatever." 575 00:28:46,141 --> 00:28:48,143 [crowd howling] 576 00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:53,106 I said, "Girl, it's my Theragun." 577 00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:55,442 "It's got the word 'gun' in it." 578 00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:58,027 And she said, "Depends where you point it." 579 00:28:58,111 --> 00:29:00,113 [audience laughs] 580 00:29:00,947 --> 00:29:02,031 [Michelle chuckles] 581 00:29:02,115 --> 00:29:05,744 I said, "Girl." She said, "Girl, what?" 582 00:29:05,827 --> 00:29:08,246 I said, "Girl, you stop." 583 00:29:08,329 --> 00:29:09,497 She said, "What?" 584 00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:13,251 I looked at her, I said, "Girl." 585 00:29:14,043 --> 00:29:16,045 [audience laughs] 586 00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:18,757 "You like to get your pussy beat up like that?" 587 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:20,842 [audience laughing] 588 00:29:25,263 --> 00:29:27,265 [woman] Woo! 589 00:29:29,100 --> 00:29:31,102 [applause fades] 590 00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:33,688 I said, "Girl." 591 00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:37,609 "You like to get your pussy beat up like that?" 592 00:29:37,692 --> 00:29:39,027 [crowd laughing] 593 00:29:39,110 --> 00:29:43,823 "I had no idea you like to get your pussy beat up like that, you are so quiet." 594 00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:46,201 [audience laughs] 595 00:29:47,911 --> 00:29:51,122 I said, "Oh my God. You finish your book in two weeks." 596 00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:54,000 "You always over-tip at Starbucks." 597 00:29:54,667 --> 00:29:58,338 "You always park so far away from the entrance to get your steps in." 598 00:29:59,672 --> 00:30:03,760 "I had no idea you like to get your pussy beat up like that." 599 00:30:03,843 --> 00:30:05,261 [crowd laughs] 600 00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,847 She said, "Yeah, girl." [chuckling] 601 00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:12,143 "I'm spending so much on Theraguns trying to find the right one." 602 00:30:12,227 --> 00:30:14,229 I said, "Girl!" 603 00:30:14,312 --> 00:30:16,022 [crowd laughs] 604 00:30:16,105 --> 00:30:17,941 [yelling] "My brain is melting." 605 00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:22,111 I said, "Honestly? Real talk?" 606 00:30:22,737 --> 00:30:25,073 "You should have somebody punch your pussy a bit." 607 00:30:25,156 --> 00:30:27,283 [audience laughing] 608 00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:38,753 "Nothing crazy, just have somebody punch your pussy a little bit." 609 00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:40,922 [crowd continues laughing] 610 00:30:41,005 --> 00:30:44,050 "Nothing crazy, just a little pow-pow in your puss." 611 00:30:44,133 --> 00:30:45,885 [audience laughing] 612 00:30:45,969 --> 00:30:49,305 A little, "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "It's my pussy, me-ouch." 613 00:30:49,389 --> 00:30:52,141 [audience laughs and applauds] 614 00:30:52,976 --> 00:30:54,060 "That's all." 615 00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:00,483 She looked at me. She said, "Hell no, girl. A Theragun is Therafun." 616 00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:04,612 I said, "What in the lesbian Shark Tank is going on?" 617 00:31:04,696 --> 00:31:06,698 [audience laughing] 618 00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:09,367 "You got slogans?" 619 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,080 I had no idea she like to get her pussy beat up like that. 620 00:31:15,665 --> 00:31:17,083 You think you know somebody. 621 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,921 Can I just recap what had happened right now? 622 00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:27,051 I told y'all a true-ass story about my beautiful Black lesbian friend. 623 00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:30,513 And a little bit of violence on a puss. 624 00:31:31,472 --> 00:31:33,641 Nothing crazy, a dollop will do you. 625 00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:35,852 [crowd laughs] 626 00:31:35,935 --> 00:31:39,022 And for the most part, we laughed. Some of y'all were judging. 627 00:31:39,105 --> 00:31:40,398 Some of y'all were curious. 628 00:31:41,316 --> 00:31:43,318 [audience laughs] 629 00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:45,486 You don't see what I see. 630 00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:47,322 [audience laughing] 631 00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,449 [Michelle chuckles] 632 00:31:49,532 --> 00:31:51,576 But all I'm saying is it can be done. 633 00:31:51,659 --> 00:31:54,245 It can be done, we can tell jokes and stories 634 00:31:54,329 --> 00:31:56,247 and not disparage a whole community. 635 00:31:57,624 --> 00:31:59,626 We can do that. We can make it funny. 636 00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,920 -We just have to work at it, right? -[applause] 637 00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:04,005 So if you ever run into Dave Chappelle, 638 00:32:04,088 --> 00:32:05,673 can you let him know that shit? 639 00:32:05,757 --> 00:32:08,134 [audience cheers loudly] 640 00:32:09,677 --> 00:32:11,596 I don't think he know that shit. 641 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,266 I don't think we'll run into Dave, 'cause he's the GOAT. 642 00:32:15,350 --> 00:32:19,062 And he is the GOAT, if that means going off about trans people. 643 00:32:19,145 --> 00:32:20,480 Dave. 644 00:32:21,439 --> 00:32:22,982 It's not funny. 645 00:32:23,066 --> 00:32:24,609 It's dangerous. 646 00:32:25,109 --> 00:32:26,611 Make it funny. 647 00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:29,864 [audience cheering and applauding] 648 00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:35,536 [Michelle] That's all. 649 00:32:36,579 --> 00:32:39,832 I can't believe somebody would make millions of dollars 650 00:32:39,916 --> 00:32:41,376 for making people feel unsafe. 651 00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:45,088 -That is so wild to me, like… Truly. -[crowd cheers] 652 00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:47,006 [crowd cheers and claps] 653 00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:51,344 I'm manifesting this shit tonight, this is a Radio City Music Hall takeover, 654 00:32:51,427 --> 00:32:55,264 and I'm gonna tell everybody, I wanna make millions and millions of dollars 655 00:32:55,348 --> 00:33:00,770 for making people feel safe, seen, secure, heard, and entertained. 656 00:33:00,853 --> 00:33:02,021 Entertained. 657 00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:03,564 -Entertaining. -[crowd cheers] 658 00:33:04,065 --> 00:33:07,360 What are we doing? That is my goal. 659 00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:10,363 My goal used to be to find my belly button when I sit down, 660 00:33:10,446 --> 00:33:11,948 but that shit ain't realistic. 661 00:33:12,031 --> 00:33:13,324 [crowd laughs] 662 00:33:13,408 --> 00:33:15,410 Girl, set yourself up for success. 663 00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:17,495 [audience laughs] 664 00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:20,707 Just have some goals. 665 00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:24,419 I just don't know why people aren't doing it anymore. 666 00:33:24,502 --> 00:33:27,380 You know? Say you do the thing, and then do the thing. 667 00:33:27,463 --> 00:33:30,758 [audience cheers and applauds] 668 00:33:32,468 --> 00:33:33,469 That's all. 669 00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:37,932 Like my friends that are, like, stuck. 670 00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:41,436 Right? Always dating the wrong person. 671 00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:44,063 The way you do one thing is the way you do everything. Right? 672 00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:48,609 If you were in the theater tonight, dating somebody that's not good for you, 673 00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:50,194 especially the ladies, 674 00:33:50,278 --> 00:33:51,404 don't do it no more. 675 00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:54,991 Leave here tonight and unfollow that motherfucker. 676 00:33:55,074 --> 00:33:58,036 -That's energy you don't have. -[audience applauds] 677 00:33:58,119 --> 00:34:01,914 Okay? And I'm not a chiropractor, but you ain't gonna be wet forever, sis. 678 00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:04,000 [audience laughs] 679 00:34:04,959 --> 00:34:06,377 God. 680 00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:09,881 It is a journey, though. You got to really, like, 681 00:34:09,964 --> 00:34:12,008 find the right one, you know? 682 00:34:12,091 --> 00:34:13,426 I've fucked a lot of frogs. 683 00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:15,470 [audience laughs] 684 00:34:15,553 --> 00:34:16,888 It was like a frog farm. 685 00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:18,473 [crowd laughing] 686 00:34:18,556 --> 00:34:20,558 I'm so glad I found the right one. 687 00:34:21,642 --> 00:34:23,227 -It's so nice. -[crowd applauds] 688 00:34:24,312 --> 00:34:27,565 It really is. When people meet me and my husband, they're like, 689 00:34:27,648 --> 00:34:31,027 "Wow, you guys like each other." I'm like, "You're supposed to." 690 00:34:32,487 --> 00:34:34,405 Why be with somebody you don't like? 691 00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,240 That is what your family is for. 692 00:34:36,324 --> 00:34:39,035 [audience laughing] 693 00:34:41,579 --> 00:34:42,705 [Michelle chuckles] 694 00:34:43,456 --> 00:34:46,834 Hello? But I also think it's important to, like, 695 00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:50,296 name the good time and name the bad times, that's okay. 696 00:34:50,379 --> 00:34:54,175 The hardest time my husband and I had definitely was the pandemic. 697 00:34:54,258 --> 00:34:56,844 I didn't get how social we were until we were together 698 00:34:56,928 --> 00:34:59,889 all… the fucking time. 699 00:34:59,972 --> 00:35:01,557 [crowd laughs] 700 00:35:01,641 --> 00:35:03,935 I would move to another room, he'd follow me. 701 00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:05,520 I'll be like, "What's up?" 702 00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:07,605 [audience laughs] 703 00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:10,024 "What's up?" 704 00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:12,944 His stories were terrible. 705 00:35:13,486 --> 00:35:15,488 [audience laughs] 706 00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:19,492 Like, "What's good?" He's like, "We ain't got clean spoons." 707 00:35:19,575 --> 00:35:21,035 I'm like, "Great story." 708 00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:22,453 [crowd laughs] 709 00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:23,955 [Michelle sighs] 710 00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:28,751 [chuckles] It was a bad time. 711 00:35:29,877 --> 00:35:34,632 I started using this tone with him that I'd never used with anybody before. 712 00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:38,928 It's like the tone you use when Alexa ain't playing your song. 713 00:35:39,011 --> 00:35:41,013 [audience laughs] 714 00:35:41,931 --> 00:35:43,266 You know that tone? 715 00:35:44,016 --> 00:35:47,311 I was like, [yelling] "No. I. Said…" 716 00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:48,521 [normal voice] What? 717 00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:54,068 Why am I talking to him like that? I love him. 718 00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:56,654 [woman howling] 719 00:35:57,488 --> 00:36:00,783 Name the good, name the bad. That's how you get over it, celebrate it. 720 00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:03,953 Honestly, like, what I love about me and my husband 721 00:36:04,036 --> 00:36:06,581 is that we're real partners, right? 722 00:36:06,664 --> 00:36:08,749 Like, we celebrate each other's wins. 723 00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:11,252 And if you're with someone who's jealous of you, 724 00:36:11,335 --> 00:36:14,589 they don't understand your power because they're not in their power. 725 00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,425 [audience cheers and applauds] 726 00:36:18,593 --> 00:36:19,719 Oh my goodness. 727 00:36:19,802 --> 00:36:21,679 Look at me, shoulder pads. 728 00:36:23,139 --> 00:36:24,307 Dropping some wisdom. 729 00:36:24,390 --> 00:36:26,559 Where's the donation basket? Come on, now. 730 00:36:26,642 --> 00:36:28,352 [audience laughs] 731 00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:31,189 [Michelle chuckles] 732 00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:33,274 Truly, we celebrate shit. 733 00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:37,445 I celebrate the small things. You got to, otherwise you have nothing to celebrate. 734 00:36:37,528 --> 00:36:41,240 I'll pop a bottle of champagne on Wednesday 'cause I paid a parking ticket. 735 00:36:41,824 --> 00:36:42,825 [crowd cheers] 736 00:36:42,909 --> 00:36:44,243 That's how I'm living. 737 00:36:44,952 --> 00:36:46,329 That's what I'm doing. 738 00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:48,623 Oh my God. 739 00:36:48,706 --> 00:36:52,376 And my husband threw me a party during the pandemic just for me. 740 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:56,047 Because we found out Lenny Kravitz followed me on Instagram. 741 00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:58,591 [audience cheering and applauding] 742 00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:01,344 [cheering swells] 743 00:37:02,762 --> 00:37:03,804 [Michelle] What? 744 00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:05,932 What? 745 00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:10,102 Crazy, I came downstairs with streamers and balloons. 746 00:37:10,186 --> 00:37:11,812 My husband's on the table, like, 747 00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:13,814 ♪ American woman! ♪ 748 00:37:13,898 --> 00:37:15,900 [audience laughing] 749 00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:20,446 I said, "I'm gonna suck it right off." 750 00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,199 [audience applauding and cheering] 751 00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:31,249 [Michelle chuckles] 752 00:37:31,332 --> 00:37:33,334 [cheers subside] 753 00:37:34,126 --> 00:37:35,419 Happy for each other. 754 00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:38,756 But then Lenny Kravitz keep liking my posts. 755 00:37:40,925 --> 00:37:43,844 My husband went, "Do I got to worry about Lenny Kravitz?" 756 00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:45,471 [audience laughs] 757 00:37:46,180 --> 00:37:47,807 I said, "Yes, you do." 758 00:37:47,890 --> 00:37:49,892 [audience cheers] 759 00:37:50,851 --> 00:37:52,520 "Yes, you do." 760 00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:56,148 "Now clean them spoons, honey. I heard we ain't got no clean spoons." 761 00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:58,234 [audience laughs] 762 00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:00,319 Bitch. 763 00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,905 [laughter continues] 764 00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:06,200 My husband's really into fixing stuff now. 765 00:38:06,826 --> 00:38:09,412 He's like, "Let's fix something." I said, "I'm okay." 766 00:38:09,495 --> 00:38:10,538 [scoffs] 767 00:38:11,580 --> 00:38:14,375 "You fix it. You tell me, I will listen." 768 00:38:15,501 --> 00:38:20,339 Do you know this man came home with a chair from the garbage? 769 00:38:21,048 --> 00:38:23,050 [audience laughs] 770 00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:26,012 [audience giggles] 771 00:38:27,221 --> 00:38:28,597 I said, "Who this for?" 772 00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:29,598 [crowd laughs] 773 00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:31,517 [Michelle scoffs] 774 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,687 He was like, "I was hoping we could fix it." I said, "No, thanks." 775 00:38:37,481 --> 00:38:39,442 He's like, "I wanna fix something with you." 776 00:38:39,525 --> 00:38:41,569 I'm like, "What about voter suppression?" 777 00:38:41,652 --> 00:38:43,654 [audience laughing] 778 00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:47,325 -"Can we do that?" -[audience cheers and applauds] 779 00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:51,912 We like to have fun, though. 780 00:38:51,996 --> 00:38:54,540 He's really good at being high. 781 00:38:55,082 --> 00:38:57,084 [audience laughs] 782 00:38:57,793 --> 00:39:01,464 It don't matter how much or little he has, he's like, "I'm cool, man." 783 00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:05,384 "I'm cool. Need help? Let me help you with those bags." 784 00:39:05,468 --> 00:39:07,386 Like, he's so cool. 785 00:39:07,470 --> 00:39:10,181 Nothing gets to him. He's like, "It's okay. It happens." 786 00:39:10,264 --> 00:39:11,140 I'm like, "What?" 787 00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:15,561 Like, me, I'm not good at being high. I want to be good at it. 788 00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:19,106 I am not, you know? I want… 789 00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:22,318 I want to serve, like, plus-size Erykah Badu, but… 790 00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:24,153 [audience laughs] 791 00:39:25,237 --> 00:39:28,115 It ain't, it's serving plus-size crackhead, real talk. 792 00:39:29,325 --> 00:39:32,203 Ooh, baby, if you ever saw me in the street high, 793 00:39:32,286 --> 00:39:35,956 I'm like, "I'm sorry, I'm high. Did you know I was high? Are my eyes red?" 794 00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,167 "I'm so sorry, I'm high!" 795 00:39:39,835 --> 00:39:40,795 [trilling] "Woo!" 796 00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:42,797 "Is it game night? What are we doing?" 797 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:45,424 "Fold laundry? Clean the fridge? Do push-ups?" 798 00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:48,928 "What should we do? I am high!" 799 00:39:50,971 --> 00:39:52,014 "Wow!" 800 00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:55,601 [scattered laughing] 801 00:39:56,143 --> 00:39:58,687 It's not good. It's not a good look. 802 00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:02,441 My husband and I had a date night. 803 00:40:02,525 --> 00:40:04,735 One night, I got tickets to the Knicks game, 804 00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:06,320 which is a basketball team. 805 00:40:06,404 --> 00:40:08,406 [audience cheering] 806 00:40:08,989 --> 00:40:10,366 That's right, honey. 807 00:40:10,950 --> 00:40:12,451 We had courtside seats. 808 00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:13,744 [crowd cheers] 809 00:40:13,828 --> 00:40:16,372 Yeah, he was very excited. I was like, "I'm good." 810 00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,417 I was like, "I don't know about basketball." 811 00:40:19,500 --> 00:40:22,753 He's like, "It'll be fun." I said, "You should go with somebody." 812 00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:26,340 He's like, "No, it's our date night. We should go." 813 00:40:26,966 --> 00:40:28,634 I'm like, "I guess." 814 00:40:28,717 --> 00:40:29,885 [audience laughs] 815 00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:32,012 He's like, "It'd be fun if we got high." 816 00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:34,932 [audience laughing] 817 00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:38,310 [laughter swells] 818 00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:41,063 I said, "Okay." 819 00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:42,940 [crowd laughing] 820 00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:44,859 He gave me a little piece of edible. 821 00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:47,111 Nothing… Nothing crazy. 822 00:40:47,194 --> 00:40:49,947 I didn't feel anything 40 minutes later, so I was like, 823 00:40:50,030 --> 00:40:51,407 "Can I have a little more?" 824 00:40:51,490 --> 00:40:52,741 [audience groaning] 825 00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:55,369 [audience laughing] 826 00:40:57,872 --> 00:40:59,999 Everybody knows but me! 827 00:41:00,082 --> 00:41:01,417 [crowd laughs] 828 00:41:02,751 --> 00:41:05,546 There's no instructions on the side. 829 00:41:05,629 --> 00:41:07,089 [audience laughing] 830 00:41:08,215 --> 00:41:09,383 [Michelle] Woo! 831 00:41:10,968 --> 00:41:12,011 I'll tell you what. 832 00:41:12,761 --> 00:41:14,013 We got to that game, 833 00:41:14,722 --> 00:41:17,266 I was holding on to my chair with two hands. 834 00:41:17,349 --> 00:41:20,144 [audience howling] 835 00:41:26,108 --> 00:41:29,069 [crowd continues laughing] 836 00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:32,865 "Wow…" 837 00:41:33,365 --> 00:41:35,367 "Wow…" 838 00:41:36,535 --> 00:41:37,703 -"Wow." -[crowd laughs] 839 00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:40,372 [softly] "Wow." 840 00:41:42,666 --> 00:41:48,797 Like, I don't know if you guys have ever seen a kite with freckles and big hair. 841 00:41:48,881 --> 00:41:50,883 [audience laughing] 842 00:41:51,842 --> 00:41:52,843 That was me. 843 00:41:53,385 --> 00:41:54,303 [crowd laughs] 844 00:41:54,386 --> 00:41:56,680 Like, I didn't know if I was talking to myself 845 00:41:57,681 --> 00:41:58,682 out loud, 846 00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:01,852 or if it was an inside voice. 847 00:42:02,436 --> 00:42:03,687 [crowd laughs] 848 00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:05,314 [hoarsely] She was out here. 849 00:42:06,398 --> 00:42:10,778 I was like, "Wow." 850 00:42:10,861 --> 00:42:11,862 I was like, 851 00:42:12,905 --> 00:42:15,658 ♪ Butterfly in the sky ♪ 852 00:42:15,741 --> 00:42:17,743 [audience cheers and laughs] 853 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:22,581 ♪ I feel twice as high ♪ 854 00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:24,750 ♪ Take a look ♪ 855 00:42:24,833 --> 00:42:26,418 [audience] ♪ It's in a book ♪ 856 00:42:26,502 --> 00:42:28,546 ♪ A Reading Rainbow ♪ 857 00:42:28,629 --> 00:42:31,048 Yeah! 858 00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:33,509 [audience cheers and applauds] 859 00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,556 [woman] Woo! 860 00:42:41,267 --> 00:42:42,518 Oh my goodness. 861 00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:47,147 I was nice, nice. 862 00:42:48,107 --> 00:42:49,400 [woman chuckles] 863 00:42:49,483 --> 00:42:51,026 And then the game started. 864 00:42:51,110 --> 00:42:52,403 [crowd laughs] 865 00:42:56,699 --> 00:42:58,075 [exhales] 866 00:42:59,493 --> 00:43:00,995 Then the paranoia set in. 867 00:43:01,662 --> 00:43:03,664 [audience laughs] 868 00:43:04,540 --> 00:43:07,626 The announcer was just so… loud. 869 00:43:07,710 --> 00:43:09,169 [crowd laughing] 870 00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:13,215 I was shook, it felt like Cloverfield. I was like… 871 00:43:14,049 --> 00:43:14,883 "We got to go." 872 00:43:14,967 --> 00:43:21,056 -He was like… [inaudible shouting] -[air horn sound plays] 873 00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:24,351 [audience laughing] 874 00:43:29,231 --> 00:43:32,818 Then the players came out, I was like, "We are not safe." 875 00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:35,321 [audience laughs] 876 00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:40,576 [laughing continues] 877 00:43:43,037 --> 00:43:45,414 They were so tall. 878 00:43:45,497 --> 00:43:46,707 [crowd laughs] 879 00:43:47,249 --> 00:43:48,584 It was all 880 00:43:48,667 --> 00:43:50,669 Adam's apples and kneecaps. 881 00:43:51,211 --> 00:43:53,213 [audience laughing] 882 00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:55,924 They look like Sigourney Weaver as an Avatar. 883 00:43:56,008 --> 00:43:57,760 I was like, "No." 884 00:43:57,843 --> 00:43:59,136 [audience laughing] 885 00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:00,763 "No, thank you." 886 00:44:02,014 --> 00:44:05,017 I tried to get my husband's attention like, [whispers] "Baby." 887 00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:07,311 [straining] "Baby." 888 00:44:08,395 --> 00:44:10,856 -[moaning] "Baby." -[audience laughing] 889 00:44:12,733 --> 00:44:14,652 He's like, "What's up? Why you whispering?" 890 00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:18,530 I said, "'Cause the players can hear me." 891 00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:21,325 [audience laughing] 892 00:44:24,161 --> 00:44:26,121 I said, "We got to go." 893 00:44:27,873 --> 00:44:30,084 He's like, "It's been eight minutes." 894 00:44:30,167 --> 00:44:31,960 [audience laughing] 895 00:44:33,587 --> 00:44:37,341 I said, "I'm really sorry, but we got to go." 896 00:44:38,592 --> 00:44:41,178 "I am very high." 897 00:44:41,261 --> 00:44:43,263 [audience laughs] 898 00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:47,768 And this is why I love my husband. He's like, "It's okay, baby." 899 00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:50,062 "Just enjoy it." 900 00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:53,065 "Just enjoy the ride." 901 00:44:54,066 --> 00:44:55,317 "Ride the wave." 902 00:44:56,610 --> 00:44:57,945 "Taste the rainbow." 903 00:44:58,028 --> 00:45:00,030 [audience laughs] 904 00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:03,367 He's like, "Just focus on something, 905 00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:04,868 and just like it." 906 00:45:05,536 --> 00:45:06,453 "Okay?" 907 00:45:06,537 --> 00:45:09,623 All positive vibes. He's like, "No one can hear you." 908 00:45:11,125 --> 00:45:12,042 "Anymore." 909 00:45:12,543 --> 00:45:14,545 [audience laughs] 910 00:45:15,212 --> 00:45:17,631 And so, I actually did see a car… 911 00:45:18,173 --> 00:45:20,092 in the corner of the court. 912 00:45:21,009 --> 00:45:24,596 And this car was beautiful, the lights were on. 913 00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:25,848 It was, like, 914 00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:27,558 going around in a circle. 915 00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:30,644 And I was like, "That is really nice. Like… " 916 00:45:31,311 --> 00:45:33,021 "I wonder who's going to get it." 917 00:45:33,105 --> 00:45:34,148 [crowd laughs] 918 00:45:34,231 --> 00:45:36,942 "Where do they live? What kind of life will they have?" 919 00:45:37,818 --> 00:45:40,070 "Are they gonna put the Christmas tree on top?" 920 00:45:41,613 --> 00:45:42,906 Then I asked my husband, 921 00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:46,452 I was like, "Baby, when do we find out who wins the car?" 922 00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:48,328 [audience laughs] 923 00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:49,705 He was like, "What?" 924 00:45:49,788 --> 00:45:51,665 [audience laughing] 925 00:45:51,749 --> 00:45:54,293 I said, "When do we find out 926 00:45:55,127 --> 00:45:57,629 who wins the car?" 927 00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:03,552 And he goes, "Baby, no one's going to win it." And I was like, "What?" 928 00:46:04,928 --> 00:46:08,015 He's like, "It's advertising, it's not Family Feud, girl." 929 00:46:08,098 --> 00:46:09,767 [audience laughing] 930 00:46:12,478 --> 00:46:14,021 And then I started to cry. 931 00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:16,106 [audience howling] 932 00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:18,984 I was like, "Life ain't fair." 933 00:46:19,067 --> 00:46:20,360 [crowd laughs] 934 00:46:20,444 --> 00:46:23,071 And then he's like, "Baby, I think we should go." 935 00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:24,782 I said, "I think we should go." 936 00:46:24,865 --> 00:46:26,241 [audience laughing] 937 00:46:27,701 --> 00:46:29,661 But can I tell y'all, 938 00:46:29,745 --> 00:46:32,748 as soon as we both agreed we should go, 939 00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:35,584 they put me on the celeb cam. 940 00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:37,669 [audience laughs] 941 00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:40,172 I didn't know what to do, 942 00:46:40,255 --> 00:46:43,550 so I was just serving, like, seventh-grade talent show. What? 943 00:46:43,634 --> 00:46:45,636 ["Everybody Dance Now" plays] 944 00:46:50,682 --> 00:46:51,892 Turn it up, turn it up! 945 00:46:53,435 --> 00:46:54,895 ♪ Give me the music ♪ 946 00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:02,402 ♪ Everybody dance now ♪ 947 00:47:03,362 --> 00:47:05,948 That's good. Cut it, cut it, cut it. 948 00:47:06,031 --> 00:47:07,491 [song stops] 949 00:47:07,574 --> 00:47:08,992 [audience cheering] 950 00:47:09,076 --> 00:47:09,952 Hit it! 951 00:47:10,035 --> 00:47:12,037 ["Everybody Dance Now" plays] 952 00:47:15,791 --> 00:47:17,876 [audience cheers and applauds] 953 00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:20,128 ♪ Everybody dance now ♪ 954 00:47:20,796 --> 00:47:21,672 ♪ Yeah ♪ 955 00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:23,757 ♪ Yeah ♪ 956 00:47:23,841 --> 00:47:24,716 [audience cheers] 957 00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:26,260 Kill it! 958 00:47:26,343 --> 00:47:27,970 -[audience roars] -[music fades] 959 00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:30,722 [audience applauds] 960 00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,434 [woman] Woo! 961 00:47:35,561 --> 00:47:37,563 [audience laughing] 962 00:47:38,355 --> 00:47:39,273 Hit it! 963 00:47:39,815 --> 00:47:41,608 ["Everybody Dance Now" playing] 964 00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:47,823 [song fades] 965 00:47:47,906 --> 00:47:50,158 [chuckles] Oh my God. 966 00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:52,870 I rea-- [laughing] 967 00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:56,373 Yo… [laughing] 968 00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,876 [audience laughs] 969 00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:03,922 [audience cheering and applauding] 970 00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:09,553 I was like a Dominican Forrest Gump. Like… 971 00:48:09,636 --> 00:48:11,346 [audience howling] 972 00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:15,267 I bachata'd my way out that fucking game. 973 00:48:17,603 --> 00:48:19,938 It was giving fight or flight realness. 974 00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:21,189 [crowd laughs] 975 00:48:21,273 --> 00:48:23,984 So… about that story. [laughs] 976 00:48:24,067 --> 00:48:25,736 [crowd laughs] 977 00:48:25,819 --> 00:48:27,946 That's the last time we did a date night. 978 00:48:28,030 --> 00:48:29,406 [audience laughs] 979 00:48:29,489 --> 00:48:31,366 And that's okay, you know, I'm… 980 00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:35,329 I'm a mom. I'm a working bitch. Like, I'm just tired, like… 981 00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:38,457 You know, once I start hitting that Viola Davis like… 982 00:48:38,540 --> 00:48:40,584 [panting and coughing] 983 00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:42,127 [crowd laughing] 984 00:48:42,210 --> 00:48:44,087 Give me the rosé, put me to bed. 985 00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:48,216 So my husband and I have actually graduated to day dates. 986 00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:50,177 Is anybody that old? 987 00:48:50,260 --> 00:48:51,470 [crowd applauds] 988 00:48:51,553 --> 00:48:53,472 Responsible adult. 989 00:48:53,555 --> 00:48:56,141 Ooh, baby. Day dates are amazing. 990 00:48:56,224 --> 00:48:59,061 It's exactly what it sounds like, a date during the day. 991 00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:02,689 Go to a restaurant you can't get into Saturday night on Monday afternoon. 992 00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:04,691 [audience laughing] 993 00:49:04,775 --> 00:49:08,111 You got a prix fixe menu, you taste everything for $45. 994 00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:09,446 [audience laughs] 995 00:49:09,529 --> 00:49:10,739 [Michelle laughs] 996 00:49:10,822 --> 00:49:12,282 Have some wine. 997 00:49:12,366 --> 00:49:15,702 Go home in the afternoon, sit and spin on that dick. 998 00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:17,788 [audience laughing] 999 00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:20,415 Take a shower, get the hot spots, 1000 00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:23,502 pick the kids up from school in a good-ass mood! 1001 00:49:23,585 --> 00:49:24,544 [crowd laughing] 1002 00:49:25,504 --> 00:49:29,091 Oh, I'm sorry, half of y'all picking your kids up smelling like badussy? 1003 00:49:29,174 --> 00:49:31,176 [audience laughing] 1004 00:49:35,263 --> 00:49:37,265 [audience chuckling] 1005 00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:41,144 Okay. 1006 00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:42,521 [Michelle laughs] 1007 00:49:43,355 --> 00:49:45,607 My husband surprised me with this day date and… 1008 00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:50,570 [sighs] Yes, he is white, but this… I don't want to say this is about race, 1009 00:49:51,488 --> 00:49:53,865 but this is the whitest shit I've ever heard. 1010 00:49:54,658 --> 00:49:56,868 Who is white here, in the front? 1011 00:49:56,952 --> 00:49:59,162 Thank you so much. 1012 00:50:00,497 --> 00:50:01,707 What's your name? 1013 00:50:01,790 --> 00:50:03,166 -Pearl. -Pearl? 1014 00:50:03,250 --> 00:50:04,793 -Come on. -[audience laughs] 1015 00:50:05,877 --> 00:50:06,962 Pearl? 1016 00:50:09,923 --> 00:50:12,342 Didn't expect you'd have the whitest, oldest name. 1017 00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:13,844 [audience laughs] 1018 00:50:13,927 --> 00:50:15,429 I love your grandma. 1019 00:50:17,931 --> 00:50:18,932 Okay, Pearl. 1020 00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:22,519 You tell me if this is white as fuck. 1021 00:50:23,311 --> 00:50:25,814 And you got be like, "That is white as fuck." Okay? 1022 00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:31,403 My husband came home, and he said, "Baby, I got us two tickets 1023 00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:33,280 to a reptile sanctuary." 1024 00:50:33,905 --> 00:50:35,407 [crowd laughs] 1025 00:50:35,490 --> 00:50:36,908 Pearl. 1026 00:50:36,992 --> 00:50:39,536 -That's white as fuck. -White as fuck. Thank you. 1027 00:50:39,619 --> 00:50:41,621 [audience laughing and applauding] 1028 00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:44,833 So I told him, I was like, "Baby, 1029 00:50:46,168 --> 00:50:48,336 I can't go to a reptile sanctuary." 1030 00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:51,048 "That's-- that's crazy." 1031 00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:54,051 He's like, "We gotta go, the tickets were cheap." 1032 00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:55,385 I'm like, "You pay?" 1033 00:50:55,469 --> 00:50:57,471 [audience laughing] 1034 00:51:01,850 --> 00:51:03,643 "They should be paying us." 1035 00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:04,936 [crowd chuckling] 1036 00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:10,150 I looked at him, I was like, "Are you the reptile guy?" 1037 00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:13,779 "I married the reptile guy?" He's like, "The reptile guy?" 1038 00:51:13,862 --> 00:51:16,281 I said, "You don't know the reptile guy?" 1039 00:51:17,407 --> 00:51:20,368 "It's the guy whose, like, best friends are his lizards." 1040 00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:23,038 "He lives with his mom for too long." 1041 00:51:24,289 --> 00:51:27,667 "Doesn't have a comforter. Just got a dusty sheet, fucking monster." 1042 00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:29,377 [audience chucking] 1043 00:51:29,461 --> 00:51:32,005 "His favorite movie is Scarface. He's got the poster." 1044 00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,466 "No frame, just tacks? Yuck." 1045 00:51:34,549 --> 00:51:36,551 [audience laughing] 1046 00:51:37,803 --> 00:51:39,471 "He just got fired from Jiffy Lube, 1047 00:51:39,554 --> 00:51:42,057 he's got a pull-up bar so his door never closes." 1048 00:51:42,140 --> 00:51:44,142 [crowd chuckling] 1049 00:51:46,061 --> 00:51:50,065 "And he never wears socks 'cause they're all crunchy around his fucking floor." 1050 00:51:50,148 --> 00:51:52,484 [audience laughs and groans] 1051 00:51:52,567 --> 00:51:56,196 Don't ask me how I know the reptile guy. This is what I've heard. 1052 00:51:58,573 --> 00:52:01,743 My husband is just like, "I am not the reptile guy, 1053 00:52:02,828 --> 00:52:06,206 but I really want to go." And then he hit me with this European shit 1054 00:52:06,289 --> 00:52:08,416 when he knows how to get me to do something. 1055 00:52:08,500 --> 00:52:10,585 He's like, "You know, it just feels like 1056 00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:14,631 Americans stop learning in school and then never want to learn." 1057 00:52:14,714 --> 00:52:16,716 [audience groaning] 1058 00:52:18,176 --> 00:52:21,388 I was like, "How dare you be so accurate?" 1059 00:52:21,471 --> 00:52:23,473 [audience laughing] 1060 00:52:24,724 --> 00:52:27,811 I was like, "Fine. I will go look at lizards with you." 1061 00:52:28,562 --> 00:52:29,938 "Because I love you." 1062 00:52:30,981 --> 00:52:32,440 And he goes, "You know, 1063 00:52:33,275 --> 00:52:35,443 it might be fun if we got a little high." 1064 00:52:35,944 --> 00:52:37,946 [audience laughing] 1065 00:52:41,658 --> 00:52:43,326 So I took an edible. 1066 00:52:45,453 --> 00:52:47,122 But this time, I only took one. 1067 00:52:47,956 --> 00:52:49,791 And it was wonderful. 1068 00:52:50,375 --> 00:52:53,837 All you have to do is just wait two hours and 17 minutes. 1069 00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:55,922 [crowd roaring] 1070 00:52:58,049 --> 00:53:00,010 And it was great. I was in a good mood. 1071 00:53:00,093 --> 00:53:03,430 Nothing was fazing me. I felt joyful. 1072 00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:06,057 You know, I was, like, driving us 1073 00:53:07,058 --> 00:53:09,978 to the reptile sanctuary in the Bronx in my minivan. 1074 00:53:10,061 --> 00:53:11,730 I'm not proud of that sentence. 1075 00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:14,316 [audience chuckling] 1076 00:53:14,900 --> 00:53:16,902 In the Bronx, everyone's got road rage. 1077 00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:20,614 They're, like, "Move over, bitch." "Learn how to park." Whatever, and I… 1078 00:53:21,448 --> 00:53:22,532 couldn't even care… 1079 00:53:22,616 --> 00:53:26,369 Usually I would yell back, but I was just, like, "I hope you heal." 1080 00:53:26,870 --> 00:53:28,872 [audience laughing] 1081 00:53:34,586 --> 00:53:37,547 I was like, "Being high is wonderful." 1082 00:53:39,007 --> 00:53:41,593 I was in the pocket. I found parking. 1083 00:53:41,676 --> 00:53:43,261 Or did it find us? 1084 00:53:43,345 --> 00:53:45,347 -[audience laughing] -[Michelle] Woo! 1085 00:53:52,270 --> 00:53:55,690 What I didn't expect was this to be a tour. 1086 00:53:56,816 --> 00:53:58,652 We were with other people. 1087 00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:00,820 They were giving, 1088 00:54:01,696 --> 00:54:03,406 "Shoes optional at Walmart." 1089 00:54:03,490 --> 00:54:05,492 [audience laughing and groaning] 1090 00:54:10,288 --> 00:54:11,498 You know? 1091 00:54:11,581 --> 00:54:14,709 They were giving, like, third-generation January 6. 1092 00:54:14,793 --> 00:54:16,378 [crowd chuckling and groaning] 1093 00:54:16,461 --> 00:54:19,130 Yeah. You get it. 1094 00:54:20,131 --> 00:54:23,176 You know, it was a lot of camouflage, but I see you. 1095 00:54:23,260 --> 00:54:25,470 [audience laughing] 1096 00:54:27,722 --> 00:54:29,724 [scattered applause] 1097 00:54:30,684 --> 00:54:31,768 But I didn't care. 1098 00:54:31,851 --> 00:54:35,146 It was like Cowboy Carter. I was like, "This is everyone's America." 1099 00:54:35,230 --> 00:54:37,232 [crowd laughing] 1100 00:54:37,816 --> 00:54:38,858 "This ain't Texas." 1101 00:54:41,027 --> 00:54:42,112 [Michelle chuckling] 1102 00:54:42,904 --> 00:54:44,990 And it was pretty interesting. 1103 00:54:45,073 --> 00:54:49,786 The most fascinating thing I learned about was a lizard called "the bearded dragon." 1104 00:54:49,869 --> 00:54:51,830 [audience laughs] 1105 00:54:51,913 --> 00:54:55,792 It wasn't a dragon, it was more like a plus-size lizard, I called it Lizzo. 1106 00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:58,420 [crowd laughing] 1107 00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:01,881 I thought it was funny, people had mixed reactions. 1108 00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:05,719 Just trying to be body-positive. 1109 00:55:07,262 --> 00:55:11,266 Fascinating thing about the bearded dragon is that it can change its gender. 1110 00:55:11,891 --> 00:55:15,145 And I was like, "Okay. We've all had a night like that or two." 1111 00:55:15,228 --> 00:55:16,896 -[Michelle chuckles] -[crowd laughs] 1112 00:55:16,980 --> 00:55:18,356 Oh, well, at least I have. 1113 00:55:20,859 --> 00:55:23,153 [audience laughing and whistling] 1114 00:55:24,279 --> 00:55:25,113 Thank you. 1115 00:55:26,948 --> 00:55:29,617 And when we walked into the bearded dragon sanctuary, 1116 00:55:29,701 --> 00:55:32,287 which is again, a sentence I never thought I'd say, 1117 00:55:32,954 --> 00:55:36,166 it came right up to me, and I was like, "Okay." 1118 00:55:36,249 --> 00:55:38,835 And put it's, like, little paw on the window. 1119 00:55:38,918 --> 00:55:40,253 I said, "Oh, here we go." 1120 00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:46,509 Everyone's like, "It likes you." I'm like, "I'm a Leo. I have good energy." 1121 00:55:46,593 --> 00:55:48,595 [audience laughing] 1122 00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:52,891 We're just taking our moment, 1123 00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:57,020 and we're sort of mimicking each other, becoming best friends. 1124 00:55:57,854 --> 00:55:59,397 I was there so long, 1125 00:55:59,481 --> 00:56:02,317 I felt like that white girl in that John Travolta movie, 1126 00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:03,610 Boy in the Plastic Bubble. 1127 00:56:05,028 --> 00:56:07,530 Do you remember that movie? No one remembers it. 1128 00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:09,491 Please go home and check it out. 1129 00:56:10,033 --> 00:56:13,870 John Travolta, in the '70s, made a movie, Boy in the Plastic Bubble, 1130 00:56:13,953 --> 00:56:15,622 where he has an autoimmune disease. 1131 00:56:15,705 --> 00:56:18,291 So he has to live in a plastic bubble in his house. 1132 00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:21,461 But he has shoes on. I'm like, "Where you going, John?" 1133 00:56:21,544 --> 00:56:23,963 [audience laughs] 1134 00:56:24,047 --> 00:56:27,884 "Where?" A lot of holes in that story, not in the plastic bubble, anyways… 1135 00:56:32,972 --> 00:56:36,726 So we're just vibing, right? I'm like, "Oh my God, this is amazing." 1136 00:56:38,228 --> 00:56:41,648 Then its eyes start to roll back. I was like, "Go off." 1137 00:56:41,731 --> 00:56:43,400 [crowd laughing] 1138 00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:45,777 And then the lizard goes, "Come here." 1139 00:56:46,569 --> 00:56:48,571 [audience laughing] 1140 00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:57,831 [audience continues laughing] 1141 00:57:04,003 --> 00:57:04,838 "Yeah?" 1142 00:57:06,965 --> 00:57:07,966 And it says, 1143 00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:11,678 "Keep my wife's name out your motherfucking mouth." 1144 00:57:11,761 --> 00:57:13,012 What? 1145 00:57:13,096 --> 00:57:15,098 [audience roaring] 1146 00:57:18,017 --> 00:57:19,686 They're not even married! 1147 00:57:21,688 --> 00:57:25,150 It was wild, and the tour guide was, like, so happy. 1148 00:57:25,233 --> 00:57:28,862 He's like, "She never does this. She trusts you, she loves you." 1149 00:57:28,945 --> 00:57:30,280 I was like, "She sure do, 1150 00:57:30,363 --> 00:57:33,283 but honestly, right now, it's giving they/them, okay?" 1151 00:57:33,366 --> 00:57:35,118 [crowd laughing] 1152 00:57:35,201 --> 00:57:36,744 Just being on the real, real. 1153 00:57:37,787 --> 00:57:41,249 And then I heard a voice in the pack of camouflage, 1154 00:57:42,083 --> 00:57:43,251 say… "Ah," 1155 00:57:44,461 --> 00:57:45,879 "You one of them woke ones?" 1156 00:57:46,379 --> 00:57:48,423 [crowd hooting] 1157 00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:52,469 And so, you know, I'm a little high. 1158 00:57:52,552 --> 00:57:54,554 [audience chuckling] 1159 00:57:55,221 --> 00:57:56,097 And I go, 1160 00:57:56,181 --> 00:57:57,140 "What did you say?" 1161 00:57:57,223 --> 00:57:59,517 "I couldn't hear through your four good teeth." 1162 00:58:00,018 --> 00:58:02,437 [audience laughing and applauding] 1163 00:58:04,772 --> 00:58:05,607 "What?" 1164 00:58:07,609 --> 00:58:08,651 "What?" 1165 00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:10,820 And she goes, 1166 00:58:11,446 --> 00:58:13,990 "I asked you if you were a woke bitch." 1167 00:58:14,073 --> 00:58:16,117 [crowd gasping] 1168 00:58:16,201 --> 00:58:19,370 I look at my husband and I go, "Did she just call me a bitch?" 1169 00:58:20,288 --> 00:58:21,873 And he goes like this… 1170 00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:25,335 [audience laughing] 1171 00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:31,799 [laughter swells] 1172 00:58:42,977 --> 00:58:44,145 And I said, 1173 00:58:45,271 --> 00:58:46,898 "Yeah, I, Tonya." 1174 00:58:46,981 --> 00:58:49,234 [audience laughs and groans] 1175 00:58:55,073 --> 00:58:57,408 "I'm one of them woke ones. What's up?" 1176 00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:02,497 I didn't mean to poke the bear, but bitch, don't come for me. 1177 00:59:03,790 --> 00:59:05,458 Then she just started going off. 1178 00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:10,255 She's like, "They/them. They trying to get us to say 'they/them' all the time." 1179 00:59:10,338 --> 00:59:12,799 I was like, "Sis, you said it, like, seven times." 1180 00:59:12,882 --> 00:59:14,717 [audience laughing] 1181 00:59:14,801 --> 00:59:16,970 "You could do it. You just did. It's fine." 1182 00:59:17,887 --> 00:59:18,888 "Or don't, whatever." 1183 00:59:18,972 --> 00:59:22,809 I was like, "Honestly, if I can be married to someone named 'Gijs'… 1184 00:59:22,892 --> 00:59:24,811 [crowd laughs] 1185 00:59:24,894 --> 00:59:26,396 …you can say 'they/them.'" 1186 00:59:26,896 --> 00:59:28,982 [audience laughing] 1187 00:59:30,275 --> 00:59:33,778 And then she said, "I am so tired of this bullshit phase, 1188 00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:36,114 this non-binary, trans bullshit phase." 1189 00:59:36,698 --> 00:59:38,575 That's what she said. I was like, 1190 00:59:38,658 --> 00:59:41,160 "Look, I don't think it's a phase." 1191 00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,955 "Like, walking down the street, living your truth 1192 00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:46,457 as a non-binary or trans person, 1193 00:59:47,959 --> 00:59:51,462 while you know somebody could want to hurt you or kill you 1194 00:59:51,546 --> 00:59:53,881 is not a phase, that's bravery." 1195 00:59:54,382 --> 00:59:56,884 [audience cheers and applauds] 1196 01:00:02,098 --> 01:00:03,641 I said, "Yo." 1197 01:00:03,725 --> 01:00:05,810 "Them tattooed eyebrows on your face?" 1198 01:00:05,893 --> 01:00:07,895 [crowd laughs] 1199 01:00:08,938 --> 01:00:10,023 "That's a phase." 1200 01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:12,066 [audience laughs] 1201 01:00:12,150 --> 01:00:14,694 "That's not a good one. You ain't got no friends?" 1202 01:00:16,863 --> 01:00:19,991 Then she just kept coming for me. I'm like, "Am I on Fox News?" 1203 01:00:20,074 --> 01:00:22,243 "Is this a low-budget Laura Ingraham? What…" 1204 01:00:23,036 --> 01:00:25,788 See why I don't want to see lizards? See what I mean? 1205 01:00:26,664 --> 01:00:29,667 She just kept going on and on. She's like, "But biology." 1206 01:00:29,751 --> 01:00:30,835 I'm like, "Spell it." 1207 01:00:30,918 --> 01:00:33,171 [audience laughing] 1208 01:00:37,508 --> 01:00:40,094 She's like, "I don't trust what's between their legs." 1209 01:00:40,178 --> 01:00:42,805 "What's between their legs? I don't trust what's between their legs." 1210 01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:46,142 I'm like, "Why do you give a shit what's between someone's legs?" 1211 01:00:46,225 --> 01:00:50,021 "You sound crazy. If you ain't feeding, fucking, or financing, fuck off." 1212 01:00:50,104 --> 01:00:51,981 [audience cheers and applauds] 1213 01:00:52,065 --> 01:00:53,232 [Michelle] "Ma'am." 1214 01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:57,612 She just kept going in, and I just kept trying to answer her. 1215 01:00:57,695 --> 01:01:00,573 I blacked out. I felt like a big-titty George Jefferson. 1216 01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:03,701 [imitating George Jefferson] "Another thing, motherfucker!" 1217 01:01:03,785 --> 01:01:05,995 [normal voice] What am I… What am I doing? 1218 01:01:08,081 --> 01:01:09,707 [Michelle snickering] 1219 01:01:09,791 --> 01:01:11,793 I'm in comfy shoes to see a lizard. 1220 01:01:11,876 --> 01:01:13,961 [crowd chuckles] 1221 01:01:14,045 --> 01:01:18,216 There was so much hate, and I was like, "You're very black-and-white with shit." 1222 01:01:18,299 --> 01:01:22,345 "I need you to live in the shades of gray where the love and humanity exists." 1223 01:01:22,428 --> 01:01:24,305 [audience cheering and applauding] 1224 01:01:24,389 --> 01:01:26,182 "That's what I need from you." 1225 01:01:28,017 --> 01:01:31,521 "I mean, a trans woman is no less of a woman, 1226 01:01:31,604 --> 01:01:33,523 even if you don't understand, okay?" 1227 01:01:33,606 --> 01:01:36,359 "You need to love that person. That is someone's child." 1228 01:01:36,442 --> 01:01:38,444 [crowd applauds] 1229 01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:41,781 "I have children. I have twins. My body couldn't carry them." 1230 01:01:41,864 --> 01:01:44,033 "We had a surrogate. I'm no less their mom." 1231 01:01:44,117 --> 01:01:45,993 "You understand how love works?" 1232 01:01:46,077 --> 01:01:47,954 "Like, just open your minds." 1233 01:01:48,871 --> 01:01:52,083 But she kept going on, and finally, I was like, "You know what?" 1234 01:01:52,166 --> 01:01:54,252 "I am too cute for this conversation." 1235 01:01:55,211 --> 01:01:58,589 I was a little high, now I'm a little sober, it's okay. 1236 01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:03,344 I said, "I'll wear this outfit tomorrow 'cause people need to see it." I walk off. 1237 01:02:05,054 --> 01:02:06,931 And then she yelled back at me, 1238 01:02:07,014 --> 01:02:08,641 and she said, "And to think, 1239 01:02:08,725 --> 01:02:15,189 I was gonna tell you that I loved your sweet potato casserole recipe!" 1240 01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:17,483 [air horn plays] 1241 01:02:17,567 --> 01:02:20,695 [audience cheering] 1242 01:02:31,414 --> 01:02:36,210 Thank you, guys, so much for supporting me and being a part of history tonight. 1243 01:02:37,503 --> 01:02:40,298 I might be the first woman to do a special on this stage, 1244 01:02:40,381 --> 01:02:43,092 but I better not be the fucking last! 1245 01:02:43,176 --> 01:02:45,178 [audience cheers and applauds] 1246 01:02:46,179 --> 01:02:48,473 Good night, everybody! 1247 01:02:49,056 --> 01:02:51,058 [upbeat instrumental music plays] 1248 01:02:56,647 --> 01:02:58,316 I mean… 1249 01:03:02,487 --> 01:03:05,114 I don't want… I don't want it to end. 1250 01:03:07,074 --> 01:03:09,243 I bought this suit, I don't have to return it. 1251 01:03:10,912 --> 01:03:13,289 Hi! 1252 01:03:13,372 --> 01:03:14,332 Oh my God. 1253 01:03:14,415 --> 01:03:15,416 I love you. 1254 01:03:16,918 --> 01:03:18,461 Thank you so much. 1255 01:03:19,504 --> 01:03:21,380 You guys are the actual fucking best. 1256 01:03:21,464 --> 01:03:23,466 [audience cheering] 1257 01:03:25,551 --> 01:03:27,929 [applause swells] 1258 01:03:29,222 --> 01:03:31,349 I don't want it to end! 1259 01:03:31,432 --> 01:03:33,309 I love you so much! 1260 01:03:36,062 --> 01:03:37,271 [woman] Woo! 1261 01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:38,940 [Michelle] Oh my God. 1262 01:03:39,774 --> 01:03:41,567 Okay, I got to go. I got to go. 1263 01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:44,487 [crowd cheering] 1264 01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:51,911 [crowd cheers and applauds] 1265 01:03:58,292 --> 01:04:01,212 Oh no! My mic fell. Too much booty. 1266 01:04:03,381 --> 01:04:06,676 Give it up for homegirl over here. I know you better, I love you. 1267 01:04:07,301 --> 01:04:08,594 I love you. 1268 01:04:08,678 --> 01:04:10,763 ♪ Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch ♪ 1269 01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:12,974 ♪ Titties, titties, titties, titties ♪ 1270 01:04:13,057 --> 01:04:17,311 ♪ Bitch, bitch, bitch and titties Bitch and titties and titties and bitch ♪ 1271 01:04:17,395 --> 01:04:19,522 ♪ Tits and bitties and bitties and titch ♪ 1272 01:04:19,605 --> 01:04:22,441 [Michelle vocalizes] 1273 01:04:22,525 --> 01:04:23,818 [Michelle] I love you. 1274 01:04:23,901 --> 01:04:24,777 Yay! 1275 01:04:25,820 --> 01:04:26,779 Thank you. 1276 01:04:26,863 --> 01:04:28,865 [cheers and applause fade] 1277 01:04:40,167 --> 01:04:42,628 -[whoosh] -[Wanda Sykes] Oy vey! And up! 1278 01:04:42,712 --> 01:04:44,755 Use your knees, Paige! Come on, push it! 87831

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