Original subtitles

Late winter, 1953. The lives of nearly half the planet lay in Joseph Stalin's hands.

Marshal Beria, Interior Minister, spied on entire nations through his pince-Nez,

as thousands were exiled to endless camps and prisons.

State-sanctioned anti-Semitism was rife, permeating daily life.

The "Doctors' Plot" show trials were staged to undermine Jewish influence.

Yet, still, we lived, we loved, and we were proud of our country.

No one even dreamt that the monster of Stalinism was entering its final days...

The hero of this film, Klensky, a military doctor, falls victim to the "Doctors' Plot".

The KGB instigate a conspiracy involving a double in order to cover up his exile.

"Same as it evermore shall be, And as it was of old,

"A horsie and a little boy Battle with the cold..."

My whole life, I thought my grandma wrote those lines.

But she wasn't a poet. Funny, that.

Back in the day, our street was lined with Persian lilacs.

Then, suddenly, they disappeared.

But people hardly ever remember.

Not that they died. They just forgot, that's all.

On that last night of February, 1953, a stoker at a fur shop...

So, this stoker, Fedya Aramyshev, known as The Condom...

If you please.

Funny, that.

Grab his belt!

I didn't see anything!

Guys, I was just passing by!

Hello!

Call the furrier's! Tell them their stoker has been held up!

"A purple negro hands you your cloak."

- Purple? Why purple? - How do I know? Just purple!

Shut it, bastards!

Caretaker, lock the door.

Right, stay put till they come for you, or I'll rip your tongue out,

stuff it up your ass, and pack you off to the moon!

OK, got it.

Got it, comrade. Thank you.

...where that parrot squawks...

Ein moment!

I lost my Burei watch.

Before the Revolution, all watches were called Burei.

Dreams, dreams, dreams.

Shit! Shit!

This is me, back then...

KHRUSTALYOV, MY CAR! PART 1

Hey, stop!

Stop, you shithead! Come here, shithead!

You what? Who are you calling shithead?

I'll get you for calling me shithead!

I was calling a doctor!

You stinking shithead!

Stop calling me shithead, got it?

Piss off!

I'm not Russian, I'm Finnish, but I write for a workers' newspaper.

- Allow me to shake your hand. - How about my foot?

And I'm the shithead?

Everyone on their feet.

Dr Marmeladova, Hospital Six. I'll take charge. Move along!

Stand up with your head tilted back.

Why wear rubber boots in winter?

I'm in boots and you've got an umbrella.

But look where it got you!

There was this vet, and he fell into a stupor.

You should use a stick, not a frame.

And this? Your whole bed reeks of salami.

I can't keep my fantasies in check!

Leave it!

...fell into a stupor.

His wife thought he'd... he'd died.

What are you doing?

Idiot! I'm checking if it smells of mothballs.

What? What?

So, Nadezhda, let's go over the accounts.

What did you buy at Yeliseyev's yesterday?

Aleksei, bring my ink pencil.

- Too late for the bathroom. - But we need to go!

That's what happens when you sleep too long, nieces!

Kolya, is your car running? Take me to the workhouse, now!

Breakfast's cancelled. We're off to the workhouse.

Get in the cupboard!

My cousins are Jews and we're Russian.

Their parents were exiled to Pechory in the north.

Bloody hell, Aleksei!

Get up on the stove, Mother!

They're electric.

A purple negro... What sort of color is that?

Like this.

Your daddy.

Everyone, get out! Forward march!

Tell him what I told you.

Tanya!

Off you go!

- The Tsar sleeps. - Funtik.

I'm very grateful.

I'll hang myself.

Thank you very much.

You'd turn my girls in to the police.

As for your feminine dignity, in parting, I'd like to say

that the whole house is laughing behind your back!

Remember, Natasha, we're not slaves.

Come on, Funtik! They're all scum!

Tea?

- Aleksei, is the parrot squawking? - Sure. He'd outcrow a cockerel.

Dinner's on the table.

Kissing a lady smoker is like licking an ashtray.

Hush, monkeys!

The Northern Lights pierce the heavens like fiery sabers.

But in spring they are no more.

Poetry floats up in my memory like sailboats in the fog, along with salami.

Who needs the Northern Lights? Thank God for the general.

Here, have one with cheese, and one with salami.

Did you read the article in the Red Star, you toad?

Well, who read the article in the Red Star?

Did you read it? Ha! You can't even read!

Let us repeat it, so our voice may be heard

by all progressives on earth.

We are not against the Jews. We are against Zionists.

Nations are equal. Ideologies are not.

To confuse these concepts would be criminal!

Then it can be interpreted in alternative ways.

For example, my dad's in the Navy, and there are no Zionists in the Navy.

Stop it, you little buggers!

You're a bunch of despicable rascals!

You bastards! I'll fight the lot of you!

Not till first blood, to the death!

Leave your buttons, you idiot!

Every single button! Where are they, you bastards?

Let go! You're hurting me!

Is this your medal?

Feet together. Take off your hat.

You're drunk on cognac! I'm fed up of living with you!

Thank you!

Limousines should be black.

Attention!

Comrade Major General of the medical corps!

Cadet, you've got ink on your face.

Attention!

Up and over!

Comrade officers!

- Potty! - Smoke!

- Comrades, patients. - Shura, the hat. Wait for me.

- This what you wanted, Shura? - Yes.

I said get out!

- Shura, I swear... - Yuri, I'm embarrassed.

I'd even be a strongman in a circus! It's funny.

Attention!

My father was a doctor in charge of a major clinic.

He performed open brain surgery.

Give me the key.

I dreamt of a bird. What's that a sign of, Comrade General?

Sorrow? Or maybe a letter, Comrade General?

No, the pipes are rusty. It's sealed from the other side with huge nails!

- A chair for the general! - So, how do you get in?

Through the laundry room.

Get an axe!

But why would you even have an axe?

Comrade officers!

Right. That's it, then.

Yuri, you won't believe it!

- Is it a Horn? - No, a Lepage!

- Home-made trigger, though. - No, it isn't.

Yuri, it's about Shura.

I don't hand out dismissals, they're sent to me.

- But something can be done. - Then do it!

What, with my ugly mug?

In my clinic, seventeen officers have mugs like yours.

Hold on, Yuri! How many Mordovians do you have?

I'm the city's best anesthesiologist! You'll regret it!

You'll shame us all! Go and be a circus strongman while you can!

Attention! About turn!

About turn! About turn!

Forward! March!

Get me the head of Wing 1 in here, with an axe!

- Need any cats? - Get lost!

Sorry.

Shoo! Make yourselves scarce!

What is it?

What?

The slippers.

I lost my wedding ring, that's the trouble.

Yuri, let sleeping dogs lie.

To hell with the axe.

You bastard!

So, if you find the ring...

- Send "Death" to Ward 11! - A stretcher's on the way!

Show me his helmet, Ivan!

Shot right through. Totally mangled.

What are you doing, Yuri?

Hit the beast in the schnoz!

Yuri!

Come out! Yuri, can you hear me?

That's so inconsiderate of you. I'm going nuts!

To cap it all, Igor's missing. Can you hear me?

Of course you can.

God, I'm an idiot.

Why all the fuss, Yuri Georgievich? Just ask and I'll explain.

Cadets, follow me!

My pen is leaking all over my hand.

Cadets, follow me!

- Best gift for the enemy. - Why the enemy?

Look me in the eye! Good boy!

Cadets are freeing crows from the traps. It's disgusting.

First bell!

Go ahead, old man!

Second bell!

Hold that.

Step aside, Vanya!

Crows in gas masks.

- "Death", is that you? - Who's asking?

The general! Unauthorized overtime prohibited, Death!

I'm Death, Comrade General!

Death working overtime...

Give me the key, Vanya.

...is in poor taste.

What a thought. Follow me!

OK, I admit it. It's the son of the late washerwoman.

But why in the enema room?

- Peter Piper picked... - ...a peck of pickled peppers.

- Klava lost a finger. - OK, but why the enema room?

- Patient Stakun, age 42. - Well, how do you feel?

And yourself?

It's the Man in the Iron Mask.

Yuri Georgievich is so funny.

Should have made him shave off the moustache.

I asked him to. Your cigars.

Here!

- Puff on it, but don't inhale. - Come on in, folks!

Where do we do the enemas now, eh?

- Was? Smells like shit. - Really? Yuck!

- Give them here. - Vanin, come in.

What we have here is lead poisoning, resulting in cerebral edema.

Back where you were!

Not conducive to life, Zhenya?

Not conducive to life!

Nevertheless...

Excuse me, lady, but beddie-byes.

- They're top-class cigars. - This is for you!

Couldn't find the right lid.

- What a catastrophe! - That's one for the doctors.

The Iron Mask...

That Munchausen tells lies twice a day!

It's cognac, not tea. He loves it.

Have a look.

Tan, teeth.

- Stop it. - Don't look.

- Enough! - Pas de trois degenerato.

- Stop it! - Lovely!

I want this shit gone by lunchtime, got it?

Clear off!

- The sun. - Frosts are coming.

You're just a drunk in a general's uniform!

Brothers, he's not Klensky! I am!

Patient, patient!

Nobody dies out of spite.

Real Krasnodar tea with lemon.

Frosts are coming.

Patient, patient!

It's a circus. The full horse-drawn job!

A typical frontal lober, Comrade General!

They're all shits. Very stupid.

I'm sure it's a frontal lobe tumor, Comrade General.

We can go through Ophthalmology without breaking the door down.

- Who brought him in? You? - That's a sock!

- I'm a speech therapist. - Who asked you?

I only said it was a sock.

Yuri, I'll get your coffee.

Yuri, I'll get your coffee.

I'll sound the bottom of the ocean

High up above the clouds I'll climb

All that's earthly I will give you

An ice rose.

Other nations and states gaze askance

as they step aside and give the right of way.

- Others... - So what if they're others?

Don't forget your friend.

Six cold cuts and two cognacs.

- Why is he crying? - He cries whenever they play.

I'll chop his head off! Filthy masturbator!

He's drawn willies everywhere. Of huge proportions, to boot!

Now, my friend, drink to the great Armenian people!

- And to the great Tat people. - It's a nation, not a people.

- A nation? - Yes.

- So you're a people, but we're a nation? - Yes.

You're a people, but we're a nation?

Yes. "But you, wild rover, pray for tempests,

"As if in tempests there was peace!"

- I think the Tat are a people. - The shame of it!

Sorry, but I won't accept the ram.

Take it away! What do we need it for?

Sasha, meet my family.

My son, a real hero. Sharp as a tack!

My nose!

Once a dumb Americanus stuck a finger up his anus!

Now I'll sing!

A Yank!

Yours has a ribbon!

A ribbon.

Mom mixes them up, too!

Have a cushion. It's a bone-shaker.

Come back tomorrow.

Once a dumb Americanus stuck a finger up his anus!

Quiet, all of you! It's a lion roaring!

Once a dumb Americanus stuck a finger up his anus!

Donkey!

Just a blue-eyed schoolgirl...

A pedestrian!

Get the fuck out of here!

Goddamn it!

Always in the way, you son of a bitch!

Let's go! You shithead!

My cabbages!

I'll kill you, you bastard! Get out! Get out!

I can't!

Pretty boy.

You stinkers.

Munch on this. Got your galoshes on? Good.

Open your umbrella!

- Who are you? - What?

Sonya.

I'll throw myself under a car.

- It's a bathhouse. - I'm a hygienist.

Get washed!

But why Marmeladova?

My parents have provincial tastes.

Where's Fofan?

Where's Fofan, you bastard?

You old cow!

The key from under the barrel, please.

Bitch.

This will hurt a bit. But not here. Here.

Scum.

I was going to go and visit someone.

A lovely nose!

- I'm Pinocchio! - Ballerina Ulanova, more like!

I've been there three times, but it always feels like somebody's watching me.

- Because they are! - I thought so.

An umbrella in winter.

This bathhouse is a recess of hell.

A bit like me, eh, Sonya?

Got the money for a taxi?

Yes.

Listen, Sonya, whatever it's like here. If not here, then nowhere.

So, I'll be off, then.

Think it's normal to live in a bath house and never wash?

I'll leave you!

Sonya! They aren't washed! Please don't, Sonya.

Sasha, I'm so scared.

Let's go.

Who else lives here?

Troops, move out!

Funtik, if only Aleksei could get an A.

So, I have to sign your real report card.

But it wasn't me who wrote "I'll crush the bastards".

You should use a stick, not a frame.

Who let him have this saber?

Who let him?

Was it you, idiot? Imbecile.

Merchants' sons used to forge IOUs, but there are trade schools now.

You can get into duels when you're a general!

I think you're not well.

But there are trade schools.

Give the soldiers their cake.

Look me in the eye.

"The kettle belched steam like a locomotive."

You've got a real mongoloid face. Only good for Jew-bashing. Tea!

Maybe I should punish you?

- Shall I punish him? - No.

Want some of my tea?

What have you done with the cake?

What have you done with the cake?

- What have you done with it? - What?

Remember, Yuri? It was like a Christmas tree.

- Up on the stove, Mother. - Your soldiers knocked a bucket over.

I remember so much. What a pity it'll vanish when I'm gone.

Just like Gulya.

May I see the military doctor, Yuri Klensky?

Dad!

Yuri Georgievich, I'd have recognized you in a crowd.

I bring warm greetings from your sister,

who is a professor in Stockholm.

I know this is a bad time, but your mother...

- Put on your jacket. - Go to your room, please.

You pig!

I've got you! I don't have any sisters in Stockholm, or Ryazan.

Must be hard, getting knocked about at work.

- This is from Gulya. - I don't want to know.

Polina! Your scarf's got caught.

Get out, you little shit!

Polina! Why's all this riff-raff loitering around on the landing?

Shame on you!

Hello, Varvara Semyonovna.

Hello, Dreiden sisters.

Like in a dream?

Mother's thumb is twitching.

Shall I take you home?

Can I have that sweet to go with my tea?

Did you know that my esteemed mother knew Anna Pavlovna Kern?

- It's Petrovna! - Pavlovna.

- Petrovna. - Pavlovna.

Yuri, I'm losing my mind.

Hitler! Goebbels! Hitler and Goebbels!

Jailbird bitches!

- Give me the glue! - Bitches! Get back in your cupboard!

We saw what you were doing with your willy!

Get in your cupboard! Jailbird bitches!

Damn the pair of you!

"...a stone scorched by a tear of passion,

"burnt through by an inhuman tear!"

A grown boy with general's stripes. A drunken boy!

May I introduce my husband, almost Karamazov: Dmitry.

Here, to stop your nose festering.

Hi!

I was at a double suicide. A man and a woman, very old.

Go straight to the hotel, don't look back.

You'll get your passport before your flight.

I've got a headache.

Their love must have been extraordinary.

Stop!

Listen, I can't get into the hotel without my passport!

Hey, stop whining, you with your limp thingy,

or whatever you lot call it!

There's a train down there.

Go straight!

Yes!

Woof! Woof!

Yes, right here!

Boy, I need to see your father. Open up!

He needs to hear this!

You don't get it, you idiot!

Enough. Enough.

What have you done?

One, two, three...

- The idiot bit me. - Four...

Piss off.

Five!

We need stones.

I found a Burei watch!

Go on, Vovik! Go on, Vovik!

Spill a drop and I'll hang myself!

Look, a general!

"Dance the tango! I adore its flow.

"Let me believe in your love."

Shut your cakehole!

Seryoga, a beer for the general!

Some fish, Comrade General?

General, general. It's a general!

"A flower of love has blossomed in my tender heart."

Enough of that!

You've got a heart of stone!

General, general!

Didn't you like it? He didn't like it.

General, general...

Here!

The place is crawling with bedbugs.

It takes one to know one.

Your flat is a palace.

Gosh, your cat's huge.

The old man's shat himself. Go and see to him.

Our Lyova's whining pathetically, "I'm hungry!

"I could eat the lot of you!"

What kind of tea is that?

The general's secret tea!

Make way for the artistes!

If you'd have put your mind to it, we could've had a Tolstoy.

Lev, I mean. There were three of them.

We're off to the circus!

The circus! To Leningrad!

To work as donkeys.

The whole "Mighty Five" could be performing here for you.

- The binge is over. - Good. Better stop the rest, too.

I shout "Binge! Binge! Binge!" brother, and off I fly!

And off he flew!

Birdbrain!

Achintseva, tidy up.

- And the mirror. - What?

As a special exception.

- Attack! Advance! - A slice of salami.

She broke Misha's piggy bank.

- How can I help you? - As a special exception...

The director's lost weight. Stop. Red light.

He's lost weight.

You're a doctor, but you don't take care of yourself.

Go to hell.

You haven't lost any bloody weight.

That was extremely productive, you know.

Four busted spokes.

- We're not wanted here. - Shall I play "Cornflowers"?

Just give me a troika as swift as a bird!

"Cornflowers, cornflowers,

"myriad-strewn in the fields

"Remember, down by the river"

It's an animal circus.

Well?

Have some more.

You're a pig.

What's this horseshoe for?

Straightening.

You do "The Bronze Horseman" better.

He only sings Pushkin well, I tell you.

- Here. - Thanks.

Like when we were kids.

I'm coming.

Bastard. Swine. Always sticking your nose in.

Get that away from the table! It's Misha's!

Get it away from the grapes, I tell you!

- How lovely! - What?

Thank you.

Come on, boy.

Don't sleep, my white dove.

Remember that children's story,

where they brought a man's shadow to life?

It was like his double. Any idea why?

Delicious perfume!

They found a huge tumor, but he was still going on about "Cornflowers".

Imagine the obituary:

"Top longevity expert dead at 52."

- Who's dead? - A great talent.

Almost a genius. Close both doors.

Stop getting the dog drunk, you thug.

You-know-who was promised 120 years.

Who's left at the circus now? I am. Hello, Krusty. Hello, Kranky.

Well, why not go for 150 or 500?

Nobody believes it, anyhow.

Come here, boy.

I've seen much more than all of you.

Patients in agony, begging for death,

stinking to high heaven. You know that stench!

And they still don't believe it.

If only one of them did.

But no.

Tolstoy wrote about premonitions of death. There were three.

Who's a good boy, then?

Off you go.

What's the matter?

When Nero dies, my dear, the executions begin.

Then who'll care about some piddling little doctors?

Delicious perfume.

Or is it soap?

What's up with you?

Here, hold this.

Now, you listen to me.

Don't you dare talk about Him like that in my house.

You're a cynic!

A pervert!

You got a sick old dog drunk!

Maybe he's better off drunk. How would you know?

Don't you dare!

You daft mare!

So, you remember that children's story,

where they brought a man's shadow to life?

Any idea why? Why? Why?

- Let go! Stop lying! - I saw it!

Let me go! Yuri! My eyes!

- I heard it! - Get off me! Go to hell!

You idiot!

Yuri, you're sick!

Yuri, you're a doctor. You have to admit it.

You're sick.

Get out of here! I've stepped on a drawing pin, Zhenya!

Just a minute.

Did you see that shirt Weinstein was wearing?

Like the Jewish guest in "Sadko".

Wait.

I'm sorry.

Well, Kamburov?

The silver salt cellar.

Four spokes, Uncle Yuri.

Damn it.

Swing, hook, uppercut!

Need to work on your jab.

Your jab!

The dog is drunk.

It's outrageous.

Halt! What's this? They put us to bed at nine!

I'll report it to the marshal!

I'm off to catch my death of cold in a snowdrift!

And those musicians!

If he loves you, he'll love your child, too.

So what?

The witching hour. The demon Viy's eyelids have been raised.

Look, your brake lights are out.

I'm not going. You've been drinking. Where's your sweater?

Speaking of eyelids, Comrade General, my eye.

That doesn't fit my profile.

Go and give this note directly to Natasha.

Where do you run off to every lunchtime?

Got a friend in Moscow?

What's wrong with my profile?

Comrade General, I wanted to ask...

That vet who fell into a stupor, he...

But I left money in the car! A fine general you are!

Anybody can yell!

Keep me on a lead and I'll show you barking!

- Comrade General is in... - Shh! The flock are asleep!

My head hurts.

What?

The general is in the clinic, wearing a hat.

Greetings, soldiers!

"Don't leave."

- Ah, Death! - Comrade General, the duty officer.

- Don't crush my angels. - It's a mousetrap.

- That's how they are. - Comrade General!

Go and fetch the doctor on duty! Forward, march!

A goldfinch perched upon a thistle, much inclined to wet his whistle...

Need to wait an hour and, if nothing happens, go to bed and forget it.

A goldfinch perched upon a thistle, much inclined to wet his whistle...

A goldfinch perched upon a thistle, much inclined to wet his whistle...

A lead.

Tranquillizers.

My ring.

I have Anzhelika, and she has a husband. Funny, that.

A goldfinch perched upon a thistle...

If it catches in the branches, things'll turn out fine.

There's a barber's, but I'm out of luck...

Give me the bucket.

Get out!

Quick march!

I'm an idiot, Varvara Semyonovna! An idiot! It was so immature!

How's your mother?

Varvara Semyonovna, can you put me up for the night?

That's ether.

And tomorrow, buy me a civilian jacket and trousers?

That's all.

What a nightmare!

That means there won't be any water tomorrow, Mother!

- What a nightmare. - What did you say?

Blink your eyes. You need to blink.

- I'm sorry. I'm not feeling too well. - Stop!

I'm sorry.

I'm not feeling very well.

The cat's sniffing it.

Go on, live, brother!

I'm dying my curtains.

Blink, Varvara.

Don't forget, your mother had an attack. Blink!

Your pants are on backwards, all threadbare and wet.

How did that happen?

Imagine this: here I am...

Mocha coffee from Orinoco.

As I was saying...

None of that!

So, here I am, a fat old maid.

- They'll be a lovely color. - Let me finish.

A spinster with sinusitis.

Now suppose this fatty is in love with a handsome general...

- Why "suppose"? - You fool!

Sorry.

So, he comes round, saying, "Save me."

- I never said that. - How's she meant to feel?

She feels nothing!

Dreaming of Turgenev women, are you?

Let me go!

Stop!

Turgenev women are everywhere, like mice.

I'm on a binge, see. You saw my trousers.

No idea whose coat this is. The owner will kill me.

I went fishing, then back home. Got a match?

Shut up! If you keep on banging, I'll move to Kratovo!

Right!

And if I let you go, I'll destroy myself.

That's it.

So, you teach Russian...

Now look what you've done. Just a tick.

- Smells of coffee. - It's from the pot.

Yes.

He fell in the bathtub, trying to catch your Zander.

Bloody thing!

See that?

Degenerate!

The Zander scared him. He nearly died.

It's a carp, not a Zander.

Anyway, two women were sawing rails, then they sat in the snow,

singing, "Darling, give me a baby. Baby hands, baby feet, baby curls!"

That's what I'd like from you.

I want someone like you to father my child.

Don't look.

What am I? A prize bull?

Yes, with a few differences.

Such as?

For one, it seems you're not long for this world.

Secondly, it'd be risky for me, too.

Don't look!

One good turn deserves another. Move over.

Watch out for the spring.

My feet are cold. They'll warm up.

That's not alcohol.

That's redcurrant.

Are we making love or doing an abortion?

General or local anesthetic?

I'm old and tired, trousers on backwards.

- I'll sleep over there. - That's my place!

Maybe you should love someone else?

- That astronomer is very nice. - He's an idiot.

I'm not up to this.

If you taught biology, this would be easier.

Give me a hand.

That's right.

Nature has blessed us with love play.

That's it.

Fine! I'm going to sleep.

Pushkin wrote, "And at last, share my flame against your will."

- He was a negro! - Move your legs! I'm getting up!

- Let me go! - Hold on.

Am I supposed to dance naked, beating a drum?

Disgraceful!

Wait a minute!

You're treading on the pillow!

I nearly died, just like your cat.

Take off your nightshirt.

Hang on.

I should spread my legs, right?

- Like this? - Yes.

It hurts, but I'll put up with it. Don't worry.

Ouch!

Son, Aleksei, aged 12-and-a-half.

Residence permit 010643.

- Hello. - Want some ice cream?

But that's sugar!

Pop it in your mouth, stick your bum out the window,

and it'll be cold and sweet!

Tell him to give me my tea back!

Landlord's mother. Permit 020746.

Don't worry. Give us the bag, and he'll give you your tea.

Give granny her tea back!

Give me tea!

Bela and Yelena Solomonovna Dreiden. Special exiles. Permits revoked.

Here since September 8th.

Give the girls a sweetie each.

So, can we get dressed now?

You're a valiant knight.

It's only a hot water bottle. We don't have a rubber one.

What a dazzling chandelier.

I can't say for sure.

He sent me a note with the driver.

He's left me, you see.

Why aren't you asleep?

Are you dumb? They're searching my room.

You still have to sleep.

Aleksei, remember that knife the general was so mad about?

Look! We found it in the sofa.

Ma, things we'd lost have turned up!

Comrade Major came and even found the iodine.

For inciting panic with rumors of imminent famine,

under Article 54, Paragraph 3. Yes, I'm guilty!

But I've never been an agitator!

Your milk's about to boil over, damn it.

This looks like yours, and Kolya's, too.

- Give it back, you old witch! - Thanks.

I wrote my number on the back.

Call it and say "Eagle" or "Sailor". Up to you.

"Eagle"? What do you mean?

Use your head to save yourself and your mom.

And if they have hooks for hands?

My dad's a general!

Roller skates!

Well, when your dad, the general, shows up, give me a call.

One moment. Polina! Hang on...

Why have you sealed up our room? Where do we go?

- Do I have a fever? - How many are you?

Two. You and the boy. The others are...

Goodbye.

But why didn't you try the borscht?

They've sealed Funtik inside, and the parrot!

That's horrible!

Are you mad? That's a government seal!

Do it like this.

Did you see that, Natasha?

Everyone saw whose fingers touched the seal!

Kissed everyone's ass, you stinking swine!

You tramp!

Why was that gypsy wearing the general's coat, eh?

And who sold the sheets, you bastard?

You got knocked up in 1942. Who was the father?

The damp, was it?

Or was his name Fritz or Adolf?

Stop strangling me, you bitch!

Like two pigs!

Natasha, call the police!

That's it. I'm going to jail! Just like the general!

You're vile!

Why do you hate me so much?

Because you're vile!

And we're going to see the Northern Lights!

Even your granny left you!

You broke a plate, you enema!

Old bitch!

Granny Yulia!

You idiot!

Granny Yulia! Mom!

Gran!

Granny Yulia!

I'm waiting for the metro.

The parrot is a Jewish bird!

It doesn't eat at all.

KHRUSTALYOV, MY CAR! PART 2

Meanwhile, the fur shop stoker Aramyshev

had been rotting in a police cell for 24 hours.

Was it so hard to call the furrier's, to say their stoker had been held up?

Maybe it was you, Fedya, who murdered the scout?

You bastards have really put me through the grinder.

I hear crowing cockerels at night!

Puke and I'll kill you!

Hey, guards, don't do that! I respect you!

Go shake those cages. I can't think straight!

You in the truck! Pull over to the right!

Turn off the lights and get out!

The pipe!

Shut up! Be quiet, I tell you!

Bugger you, with bells on top!

Little twerp needs his ears boxing!

Mister, have you seen a 6-year-old boy?

He was wearing a Grey coat.

When's the train to Astrakhan?

Two in the morning.

I'm hot.

What do you want, goldfinch?

What, were you expecting Astrakhan trains every hour?

If I had the bullets, I'd get you bastards.

A cannon!

- A cannon! - Well, screw me blue!

Have you seen a 6-year-old boy?

My father and mother are Tatars. I'm Russian. I like being Russian.

I'm the technician in charge of the sodding pumphouse.

You got that? There. Stupid crap.

It's nice and warm.

On the occasion of my personal celebration,

might I request a beer donation?

Danke schön!

Hey, guys!

Guys, come and piss on my dog!

My whore of a daughter-in-law just scalded my dog.

Urine disinfects burns, you know.

Let's go and piss on him, guys.

I'm the pumphouse boss. You want to waste my time on that crap?

You're spilling it, I tell you.

They took two bucketloads and a panful of my best dung.

But who'd listen to me?

Parasite!

Let's punish this guy.

Want me to refit your face?

You bastard!

I've got his boot, Mulya!

Giddy up, Mulya! Off you go!

One in the ear for taking my boot!

Shift your ass! What backwater are you from?

Surround the station, lads!

Get the local photographer, now!

He's half barefoot.

You're staring like a wolf.

He's staring like a wolf.

Four in portrait, four in profile.

I wasn't sure at first, but, deep down, I knew it was him.

Lord, I'm so glad!

In an oval frame.

Chin up, please!

I can't use this background. Get her out of the way!

His whole face is messed up.

Give me back my hat, please!

Thank you very much.

I'll teach you to whistle.

And thank you, too.

Your hat.

- Glasses with no temples. - They're called pince-Nez.

Bundles of banknotes, loose change, bread...

Where are you off to?

Pick up your coat! Get back here!

Stop, or I'll use force!

Have you got cloth ears?

Get back here!

- Want me to refit your face? - Get your bald head out of here, bastard!

Tell our guys that I got caught!

What did you say?

What did you say? Come here and tell them it's a lie!

He's lying, boss!

Vovka! Run and get mom to come and say goodbye!

- Squat down! - Make her come and beg them!

- Squat, I said! - Tell her they're taking me away!

Get that chair out of here.

What?

Look, sergeant, it's snowing.

Never mind. Give me a puff.

Train departing!

Thunder in winter. That's unusual.

It's slippery!

That'll do!

SOVIET CHAMPAGNE

Would you pour me a drink?

All you have to do is ask.

The toads! They nabbed a lightbulb and the bed knobs!

- No, thanks. - Take it.

A perfectly decent room with a bed.

And about 140 flies.

Who nicked the lightbulb and bed knobs?

Not me!

Who nicked the lightbulb and bed knobs?

Hello.

Lyova, what did I tell you?

The authorities will get to the bottom of this,

and it won't be just the Jews!

Lyova, you see! A Russian general!

Just yesterday, he was on top of the pile, you hear?

Turn off the lights.

So, that's who pinched the lightbulb and bed knobs!

Please, don't kill me!

Hello. Think they'll take me back on board after this?

Idiot, you need to be a dialectician. Come, let's talk.

Here's the key. Look, it's a lovely 40-foot room.

Listen, am I supposed to feel sorry for you now?

- I hate you. I wish you were dead! - Are you nuts?

So, now I'm scum because of you?

Listen, they all have toilet seats here, except us.

You have to go and find one, understand?

Because nobody here will give us theirs.

Where's our Rita?

You have to find one, because...

Will you please get out?

Because I really need to go!

Why don't you hover over it, like a bird?

All I ever get to do is nab toilet seats.

What have we done with father? What have we done?

What have we done, you little shit?

Are you mad? Let him go!

Director!

- Let go of me! - There, there. You're wonderful.

- It tickles! - This is unfortunate.

I haven't smelled the like in 20 years!

Ahoy, Katzman-Steersman! Jump back in your boat!

Tell them I want you to be the captain!

And tell the old fart to give the bed knobs back!

- You're out of line! - Get out, you bitch!

Klensky! Help your mother!

Psychopath!

- Stupid cow! - Talking about yourself?

Don't you dare!

You toad!

Number one, go! Two, go!

Three, four, five...

Drive!

"And when we're in Yerevan, in our Little house..."

You'll soon be gnawing dried fish and drinking your fill.

Nah, he's old.

I'll give you "nah".

Don't worry, pal. Maybe it'll be better this way.

I'm a dumpling!

- I'm a dumpling! - Me, too!

Bull's-eye!

Sergeant! Fuck!

Bite me, and I'll gouge your eyes out!

Put up with it.

Fucking great!

Bakharev! What are you up to?

Set me free, boss.

Huh? What good would that do you?

Fog, fog...

Well, you did say, "Pour me a drink."

Shouldn't tempt fate, buddy!

When they cut back the trees, birds eat here.

Vanin! You sit still!

No private vehicle for you, and we don't take complaints.

So, does the heater work?

Here come the bosses.

What's all this?

- Here's the sugar. - It's damp.

Hello, assholes!

What's wrong with this door?

On your asses, bastards!

Give me that paper.

Here's his hat.

Take the sugar.

Get a towel!

- They ripped your ass to shreds. - Nasty folk, eh?

Have some sugar. Could be worse.

You'll get over it.

A button!

Did you see that?

Police everywhere. Better run.

Right.

Nice weather today!

Any complaints?

Get away from the truck, you bastard!

Names beginning with K, get out!

- It's filthy in there. - Watch out. It's slippery in here.

- Wish I was in the Crimea! - What, don't you like it here?

His hat.

Can you get up?

Baby steps, now.

- Hey! - My galosh. That's my galosh!

Are you fucking crazy, you bald bastard?

My galosh, you cunting slut! My galosh, you scum!

Hey, that's not fair! That's his galosh!

I'll stuff it down your throat.

- Don't tread on him! - You're trampling his mug!

All the galoshes are yours.

Come on, now.

Boss, he ate his galosh with lard!

He's all yours!

Give me a handkerchief.

Go behind the car, if you need to.

No? OK, then.

Sign me up to fight in Korea!

- You look like one of them. - Why don't you fuck off?

Put his galosh on.

- I can do that, too! - Allow me.

But he's got three galoshes now, and this is a kid's!

It's a kid's galosh!

I've been in a car like that!

You're idiots!

You're idiots!

So be it. I'm not complaining.

Hands off!

Husband's the local prosecutor. Power's gone to her head.

Everyone look out of the window!

I'll do the ironing.

Be polite. There's a lady.

- Get back in there. - I was only looking.

What, are you deaf?

Bring me some clothes or I'll be stuck like this forever.

The double is two sizes smaller.

Eau de Cologne and shoe trees will help.

- Haven't got his size. - Strip him. Throw it all away.

Get lost!

Give me back my suit, you bow-legged git!

Close it.

When I was a boy, I lived round the corner. Fantastic!

Eau de Cologne softens up boots.

He walked home. It took him five days.

The Doctors' Plot, the Zionist hub.

Any questions? No?

If it's unclear, sign here.

You have to sign. Here's an ink pencil.

Come here.

Get a barber, a medical kit, a doctor,

and eau de Cologne.

Or else we'll send you off to Africa on Monday, like crows!

Are you a Tatar, too, old man?

Grit your teeth.

Off we go, then. "You will enter another world naked."

Give the general a greatcoat.

This is all the Jews' fault.

Yeah, that's you.

Not naked, but in uniform. Have a bath.

Listen to that bloody crow!

The sole's coming unstuck. Keep your big toe up.

Smells of eau de Cologne.

Now you're a general again, people are drawn to you.

Behave yourself, and keep that big toe up!

Sign, will you?

I'll sign your forehead, dickhead!

Five bottles of Borjomi and half a kilo of sprats.

Let's swap pipes, General, for old time's sake.

What?

The Astrakhan train.

What?

"Oh, Mama, why do they hate the gypsies in our village?

"Mama, I'm in love with gypsy Yan. Even children know about love."

Comrade General.

His wife used to be an actress in Unchansk before the war.

My Thermos.

- Here. - What's this?

It's everything. And I watched.

Come on.

Goodbye!

- Here. - That's for you, Comrade General.

Wait, then.

Why does it smell of perfume?

It happens.

Hey!

What?

Yes.

- Give me a puff. I'm dying. - Not in there.

No smoking in there, Comrade General.

Pick up the laundry!

After you.

It's the end of the world!

Screw the lightbulb back in.

Take his coat.

Shut up, woman.

Painkiller.

Come and help Him.

It doesn't work.

- Hands? - They're clean.

Germs. Germs.

But he was clean!

He was clean!

Here's his cloak.

- He was clean. - Dirty.

Alright, alright.

- Is he your father? - "Father"?

What do you mean?

Good way to put it.

- Can he hear us? - No, probably not.

Get that idiot out of here!

That smell... You can't imagine that smell!

My God.

Excuse me.

Comrade Stalin is leaving us. It's over.

Slice his head open! They told me you know how.

Save him and I'll make you rich!

It can't be done! I swear on my mother's life!

Out!

I'm sorry.

Come back!

Push to make him fart again.

- What's your name? - Klensky.

That's good. Very good.

A moth.

Come with me, soldier.

Six medium strength teas, got it?

Take a seat.

I've got a fever, see.

So, what did he say to you?

"Save me."

"Save me." How strange.

Comrade Marshal...

Bullshit! A star has fallen. Get it?

A unprecedented global catastrophe! See?

- Get out! - Yes, sir.

What did he say to you?

I'm OK.

Are you still here? Go home.

You'll be a prince.

Khrustalyov, my car!

Well, it can't get any worse than this, can it?

Ein moment!

I love your eau de Cologne.

Marvelous.

Ein moment!

Stop! Good boy!

No thing had changed. Nobody knew a thing.

Funny, that.

Damn it!

How does a sheep sound?

Baaaa!

What about cows?

- Jawohl! - Piss off!

Seven star cognac?

And how about pigs?

Get stuffed!

- Leave everything! Don't touch anything! - I'll just take my passport and go.

You lot, give me a galosh!

No more "you lot"! Show me your release papers!

I'm now the senior tenant, and it seems to me...

They're Russian. They'll sort it out.

We'll carry on as always. What is it?

Bastards! Bitches!

Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be Thy name.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.

Tell me what to do!

What's your problem? I found 15 kopecks!

Don't call.

I can't go on! I can't take it!

Give me that!

Here you are, Comrade General.

Drink this and forget about it.

- Get lost! - Go and get me a galosh.

Go away! Please, go away!

Go and buy that fishing rod! The red one!

- That's naphthalene dripping. - Your toes!

I'll tell you a very funny story.

Mrs. Klensky!

Your passport states your new home address,

but you don't need it any more. That's so funny!

Please, go away.

Tell him to buy five bottles of cognac. I'll pay tomorrow.

Five bottles, understood? Hurry!

First it was your house, then ours, and now it's yours again.

- Enough to drive you crazy. - Right!

Why aren't you singing?

Don't be ashamed of being Jewish.

- Just try to be smart. - Sure!

- Am I right, Comrade General? - Tumbalalaika...

Play, balalaika! Let us be merry!

A young lad is thinking, thinking all night

Would it be wrong, he asks, or is it right?

Should he declare his love, dare he choose?

And would she accept, or will she refuse?

We found the bed knobs.

Dad!

Yes, I never saw my father again.

Hey, you can't go in there!

It's not allowed!

Here they are.

- Where's dad, you idiot? - The keys. He won't go far.

Look at me, Aleksei.

Am I really ugly?

No, Aleksei! It's not him! Take the keys and go home!

- Mom, can we take the dog? - What would we do with it?

Two completely different people, like in a dream.

Next day, they announced first the illness then the death of Stalin.

My father was not listed among the arrested or the dead.

Funny, isn't it?

Liberty!

Ten years not enough? We can add some more.

Liberty means freedom in English!

Come on, Dima!

- I wish you well! - You, too.

I'll buy you a suit, and a bottle every Saturday.

Where else can you go? Who'd want you?

He's got no teeth!

Buy me, maybe? Look at me!

Fuck off!

But I'll buy you a suit.

I've always preferred cabriolet taxis.

Let's go. I'll pay.

I've got a Moscow residence permit.

They're only for bosses.

The camp commandant doesn't even have one.

Only 1 in 583 people have them. And me.

I'm a chief stoker in Moscow. The top chief stoker at a furrier's.

Some sucker taught me English at the camp.

Go on, then. Swear in English.

He didn't get round to that.

How you gonna talk, then? What a bastard!

Yeah, but he died in the winter.

But why didn't he teach you?

He refused to swear? I'd have gouged his eyes out!

Screw the stinking old goat!

Bitch's bone shavings! Fucking bloody trash!

Screaming faggot! Ought to be impaled on a rod!

Here we are.

A hook up his ass and into the water, I say!

Right, then.

"To my departing friend."

My star was shining brightly,

then, all at once, it was gone

I'm like a ship!

Troubles tore us apart

Got any money?

Misha...

- How much? - A tenner.

- Daylight robbery. - Fuck off!

Hurry, darling!

Vixen!

- Here's to you. - Give it back.

Hey, you've got some nerve!

That's gone straight to my head.

Hey, you've got some nerve!

Hey, you've got some nerve!

Should've bought potatoes in Yaroslavl. How stupid.

Which means "a very long way to home".

Fucking liberty!

And last time, it was...

Where did you spring from, you snake?

- Just you wait! I'm gonna... - Don't!

- What have I done to you? - Show me your release papers.

But I already gave them to you!

Now you see hat, and now you don't!

You, monkey, go and get your hat!

And I don't have a nerve!

- What's he done? - He's a crook.

Hold this!

Why?

Why do they always beat me? Everyone! My whole life!

I did ten years, but they still beat me! Why?

I'm not complaining, but why do they all beat me?

Along the road to Murom...

That's it! I'll take an axe to the lot of you!

I had a dream.

Two mountains, flat and even, and infinitely sad.

And then what?

Comma!

One night I had an awful nightmare

My dearest was getting wed, and broke our vow

- I'll keep it balanced until the 67th. - Bet you can't! Not on that bend!

Take this. I can do it with springs.

Guys, how does a ship move?

Wind fills the sails.

The sail moves on a jib from the mast.

The mast drags the ship through the water.

Just like life, guys. Here's to your health!

Wipe the sweat off my nose. It tickles.

Give me a cigarette.

Wipe my nose.

The springs...

I'm throwing them!

- Hands in your pockets. - Sit down.

You bastard.

Left, right, left...

Get that hand in your pocket!

Keep your right hand still!

What the fuck for?

THE END