All language subtitles for How I Met Your Mother S06E16 Desperation Day (1080p x265 Joy)

[Ted Narrating]
My first kiss with Zoey...

was amazing...
and complicated.

Look. I know you're going
through a lot right now.

Getting divorced,
being single,

figuring out who you are
on your own.

Someone knows
how to set a mood.

I just mean...
I'm okay taking this slow.

I wanna do this right.

[Ted Narrating]
My friends, as usual,
were completely supportive.

You're doing this
all wrong!

Ted, there are couples in
my kindergarten class who have
moved faster than you two.

Granted, their home lives
are not great.

Hey, I'm trying.
I keep suggesting
these big romantic dates,

and she keeps
puttin' on the brakes.

Like tonight,
she wants me to just
come over and bake cookies.

Oh, translation:
booty call.
Total booty call.

Private Booty
reporting for duty.

That's crazy.
She-She wants to bake.

Guys booty-call girls
after 2:00 a.m. with a drunkenly
slurred, "Whatcha doin'?"

But when a lady
booty-calls a guy,

she invents a respectable excuse
to mask the fact that she wants
to get stuck real good.

It's called class, Ted.
Wait, that...

You think
that's what she means
by "baking cookies?"

Are you kidding?
You're in the kitchen.
It's getting hot.

You start licking stuff
off each other's fingers.

Before you know it,

she's bent over
the marble island,

and you're spanking her
with a rubber spatula.

And she's screaming,
"Stop, Marshall, stop!"

But that's just code
for "Harder!"

Marshall's been
in Minnesota
a while, huh?

So long!

And now he's staying
even longer.

His mom has been having
a really hard time
since the funeral.

He's waiting on her
hand and foot.

But it's Valentine's Day.

It's not gonna be the same
without the two of us
watching Predator together.

[Ted Narrating]
I should explain. On their
very first Valentine's Day,

Marshall and Lily set out
to watch Sleepless in Seattle.

You know,
I saw this in the theater,
like, five times.

But I never got to see it
with the right girl.

Ohh. I'm so glad
none of those girls
were right for you.

What girls?

[Man On TV]
If it bleeds, we can kill it.
[Machine Gun Fire]

[Ted Narrating]
Except Marshall's brothers had
taped over it with Predator.

Mmm.

And it became a tradition.

Wow. You sound
really lonely.

I am. Earlier today,
I burst into tears...

Shh!
Daddy's talking now.

Loneliness, the looming
specter of Valentine's Day
fast approaching.

The two key ingredients
to my favorite day
of the year,

February 13,
Desperation Day.

That's not a thing.
It's a thing.

Much like Valentine's Day
itself, Desperation Day
dates back thousands of years.

Weddings were forbidden
under ancient Roman law.
[No Audible Dialogue]

So St. Valentine
performed them in secret,
under threat of death.

- That's actually true.
- Wait, there's more.

This won't be.

[Barney]
And right by St. Valentine's
side was his best bro,

St. Desperatius,
there to pick off
insecure bridesmaids.

Whoa! Check out that one.
Her body is a perfect X.

Player, play on.
High V.

Oh, Jupiter,
what are your plans for me?

Fifteen
and still not married.

And I thought Pompeii
was smokin'.

[Giggles]

Every woman wants a date
on Valentine's Day.

That neediness reaches
its climax... What up?...
on February 13.

A magical night,
when a 10 has
the self-esteem of a 4...

and the depraved
enthusiasm of a 2.

Now, there's only
one thing you can't do.

Please say "widows."

Wherever you are,
or whoever you're under,

you must get home,
alone, by 11:59 p.m.

Otherwise,
you're on a date
on Valentine's Day.

Barney, Desperation Day assumes
that all single women freak out
about Valentine's Day.

[Scoffs]
Which we do not.
Case in point...

I will be spending February 13
with some lovely single ladies
from work...

Trolls.
who could care less
about Valentine's Day.

Lying trolls.
And we will be celebrating that
we don't have to spend it...

with some dippy guy,
carting around roses
and stuffed toys all night.

Oh, no offense, Ted.

And none was taken
until just then.

I decided to go
to Minnesota
to see Marshall.

He shouldn't
have to help
his mom...

through this
rough time all
by himself.

- You losin' your mind being
alone in your apartment?
- I'm getting weird.

It started off
with me throwing...

Marshall's jersey
on my body pillow.

And, well, things kind
of spiraled from there.

I'm sorry I yelled like that
before.

I call him Marshpillow, and he
calls me...

Nothing, because he's a pillow.

Hey.

Hey! How was baking cookies
last night?

[Ted Narrating]
That was a tough question.
You see...

Hi.

Uh, is that an overnight bag?

[Friends Groan]

- You brought an overnight bag?
- You guys said I was definitely
gonna spend the night.

We said you were going to have
sex.

We didn't say bring a carry-on.

How did Zoey react?

She thought I was presumptuous
and asked me to leave.

It's not like I brought
a ton of stuff.

Were there slippers
for the morning?

Not slippers, exactly.

[All Groan]

They're called
British morning socks.

This is such
a nice surprise.

Marshall will be so happy.

Ohh.

How are you holding up,
Judy?

I'm doing okay.
It gets a little lonely.

My friends suggested
a body pillow, but...

[Chuckles]
I'm not a lunatic.

[Marshall]
Hey, Mom?

I hate to be that guy,
but I'm pretty sure it was...

Hot Pocket o'clock,
like, 10 minutes ago.

Lily!

Lily, what are you doing here?

I wanted to
surprise you.

My gosh,
that's so sweet.

Oh.
I'm so glad
you're here.

Hey, um, before I forget...
Mom, did you remember to get
more double-A batteries?

They're upstairs, sweetie,
right next to your washed
and folded clothes.

Great. I don't want my Game Boy
to crap out.

I'm having the sickest
Dr. Mario run of my life.

Okay. I'll be right back.
I love you, Lily.

Okay.
** [Video Game]

You're the best, Mom.
Aww, anything
for my baby bear.

Get him out of my house.

Take Marshall back
to New York with you.
Please, I am begging you.

- I thought he was here
helping you.
- He was at first.

But once he saw me
startin' to do better,
he kind of regressed.

He's been holed up in his room
for days at a time
playing old video games.

I mean, he is having a pretty
sick Dr. Mario run, but...

I'll talk to him.
I want to be there
for him.

But it's like
he's a teenager again.

I even walked in on him
abusing himself.

Oh, God.

He was on the bed, lookin'
at old photos of his dad.

That's emotional self-abuse.
Don't you think?

[Knocking]

- Hi.
- Hi.

That was a dumb move
for me to just assume...

No, I overreacted.

I mean,
I invited you over
to "bake cookies."

We both knew
what that meant.

We totally did.

It's just, you know,
I saw those slippers
in your bag,

and suddenly everything
felt really serious.

And ever since
I've been asking myself,
"Am I ready for this?"

And...

the answer is "Yes."

They're actually called
British morning socks.

Don't get
in your own way.
Right. Good.

Um, Marshall,
your mom asked me
to carry this up.

She turned her ankle
on your Hot Wheels.

- Is my track okay?
- It's fine.

But, Marshall,
I thought you were here
taking care of your mom.

It seems like
she's taking care of you.

My mom loves to feel needed.

Letting her take care of me
is how I'm taking care of her.

[Whispering]
She's in a dark place,
Lily. She needs this.

[Loudly]
Mom? You forgot my chocolate
milk with the swirly straw!

[Judy]
Oops! Coming right up!

** [Video Game]
Ow. Ow.

[Whispers]
She needs this.
Marshall,

tomorrow's Valentine's.

Don't you wanna be
at home on our couch,

cuddling up
under a warm blanket,

watching
the Predator use
his heat vision...

to stalk
helpless prey?

[Heartbeat]

[Beat Resumes]

[Mimics Predator Clicking]

Well, baby, we could watch
Predator here.

No, my mom can go rent it
for us after she's done
diggin' out the car.

- Marshall, your mom
wants you out of here.
- What?

Anything else,
sweetie?

Mom, do...
Do you want me to leave?

Heavens to Bess, no!
Of course not!

But, Judy, you said...

Oh, if Marshall
could stay here forever,

I would be
the happiest mom
in Minnesota.

[Mouthing Words]

So, Valentine's Day
is tomorrow.
Yeah.

You know, there's this new
Italian restaurant on 79th
that's supposed to be amazing.

I would be happier having just
a simple home-cooked meal,
as long as it's with you.

Tomorrow night,
my place.

I'm ready for this, Ted.
I am in it for the long haul.

I can't wait for our first
Valentine's Day as a couple.
[Giggles]

The one we'll remember
for years.

- Isn't that great?
- Yeah, if you say so. Yeah.

- What do you mean?
- She just got out
of a marriage, Ted.

That's heavy. See,
I'm kind of freaking out
just listening to you.

My-My heart is pounding.

I'm hearing this weird
clicking noise.

[Barney Clicking]

Well, it's romantic, right?

Zoey and I are getting serious
on Valentine's Day.

See, that just amps up
the pressure even more.

[Sighs]
Boy, it's a good thing
that you're sure.

Who said I wasn't sure?

I'm glad we're in a serious
relationship... right away.

And if I screw this up,
I'm the devil.

Because she's going
through a divorce.
But I'm not gonna screw this up.

So, stop freaking out, Robin.
Stop freaking out!

[Ted Narrating]
Kids, I'm not super proud
of what I did next.

Hi. I'm here to help Marshall.

[Ted Narrating]
Meanwhile, as Desperation Day
turned into Desperation Night.

God, these girls
are so hungry
for male attention.

It is like
being a hunter...
Mmm.

and having the deer walk up,
tie itself to the hood
of your car...

and beg to get mounted.

Barney,
this is Bev and Anna,

uh, my coworkers
and my friends.

Bev, Anna,
this is Barney,

a high-functioning
sociopath and my ex.

Enchanté.

That's French for
"What's with the purple?"

Well, tomorrow's
Valentine's Day,
and everything is pink and red,

so Bev very thoughtfully
suggested that we wear purple
to show how little we care.

I use colors
to express emotion.
Purple is for pride.

It was a stupid idea.

Bev, you look at me.
It's not a stupid idea.

Tonight we are queens!

And we don't care about
some stupid, sexist,
corporate holiday.

Please. You might as well
be dog-earing a tear-stained
bridal magazine...

while wolfing down the box
of chocolates you had delivered
to yourself at work...

from your "fiancé",
who no one's ever met.

Gerard is real!

Oh!

[Beeping]
Ted.

I thought you were gonna
talk to Marshall about
coming back to New York.

Yeah. But, you know,
things move so fast
in New York.

Why not hang out here
until at least
after Valentine's Day?

Plus, we're helping
Marshall's mom.

Uh, Mrs. Eriksen,
we're runnin' low on SunnyD!

[Judy]
Is orange juice okay?

[Together]
No!

Okay.
When your "fiancé," Gerard,

comes back from fixing
cleft palates in Peru,

maybe snatch a photo of the two
of you together, and then
I'll totally believe you.

Well, he's going
to Kenya after Peru so...

Hey, guys!
So sorry I'm late.

Hey, Nora.
Hey.

Nora, this is Barney.
Wanna see Anna beat him
in an arm wrestle?

My elbow slipped.
Yeah.

Marshall, I'm going home.

** [Video Game]

What?

I'm flying out tonight
before the big storm,

and I want you
to come with me.

I can't right now
'cause my mom needs me.

Well, I'm sure it's been
really helpful for her...

to have you here
playing Super Mario Kart
for 14 hours a day.

- You have Super Mario Kart?
- Hell yeah.

But your mom doesn't need you.
Your life in New York needs you.

It...
It needs you really bad.

Baby, don't go.

Please come home soon.

- So you were
an Olympic gymnast?
- Silver medal.

Ooh, sorry.
Gold's the only thing
that really counts.

- That's what my dad said.
- And she sticks the landing.

Why don't you
start stretching,
and I'll... be right back?

Hey, hey, sorry.
Oh, hi.

Quick question.
Yeah.

Why aren't you
wearing purple
like your friends?

Oh. I told them I forgot.
But the truth is I'm kind
of protesting their protest.

- Can you keep a secret?
- Sure.

I love Valentine's Day.

Oh, my gosh, me too!

Um, is it getting
crowded in here?

'Cause I think there are
two peas in this pod.

- Oh, you're
a gooey romantic too.
- Guilty.

This is embarrassing,
but every year,

I buy flowers
and a box of chocolates,
even if I'm not with someone.

Just in case, you know?

- We are pitiful.
- The worst.

[Both Chuckle]
Although, there is one
difference between you and me.

- What's that?
- I'm not saying any of this
to get in your pants.

** [Stops]

I miss my dad, Ted.

[Sighs]
I miss him so much.

I know.

[Chuckles]

When I was a kid,
we would spend the summers
in the Upper Peninsula.

And every year, we wouldn't get
to the cabin until, like,
the middle of the night.

So, it would be pitch black,

in the middle of the woods,

and I could never see anything
in front of the headlights.

But I always felt so safe,
'cause my dad was driving.

He was like
some sort of superhero.

He could just see way out
into the darkness.

Now he's just gone.

And it's pitch black.

I can't see where I'm goin'.

[Exhales]
I can't see anything.

All right, okay.
I was playing you before.

But I was really
doing you a public service.

It's February 13,
a day many are now
calling Desperation Day.

It's kind of a thing.
And you, walkin' around, saying
you're "a gooey romantic"?

It comes across
a bit desperate.

[Scoffs]
What's desperate about
knowing what you want?

Look, life
is really short, Barney.

Who wants to spend
Valentine's Day alone,

distracting yourself from
the fact that nobody loves you,
with some sad little activity?

Um, or you could be in
the 47th Semi-annual Laser Tag
Tournament in Poughkeepsie.

I have no idea what
any of those words mean.

Hey! I'm all stretched out.

Here's the first thing
you need to know
about laser tag.

Thanks a lot
for comin' out here, man.
Yeah.

Hey. Are you sure
it's okay with Zoey...

that you're here
for Valentine's Day?

- Well, I mean, technically,
she doesn't... know yet.
- What?

Things with Zoey
are moving really fast,

and the divorce just makes
everything more complicated.

I just... I needed
to take a step back.

You're not takin' a step back.
You're running away.

And hiding out here...
Hiding out here
is not gonna solve anything.

Just holed up in Minnesota
because you're too scared
to face reality is...

We gotta go back
to New York... tonight.

We're snowed in.
Lily got the last flight.

So we drive. It's time.

It's time to get back
to real life.

It's time to grow up.

Yeah.

[Yelling]
Mom?

Can you make us
some P.B. and J.'s
for the road?

Crusts cut off.
[Yells]
Crusts cut off!

No, Ted, what are we...

We're men.

[Yelling]
Mom!

Leave the crusts on.

They forced their opponents
to scatter,

picking them off one by one,
in a swift
and merciless slaughter.

And that is how
Boy Scout Troop 15 became
the 2010 Tri-County Champions.

Wow! Laser tag
sounds brilliant.

Oh, it is.
Plus, if you win,
you get free pizza.

This is my teammate
for tomorrow.

Oh, yeah,
I agreed to that.

Where are Bev and Anna?

Well...

- So we're taking off.
- What?

Those guys are gonna
buy us hot dogs
at Gray's Papaya.

[Robin]
What? So that's it?

A couple of white Urkels
offer you sausages
and you're gone?

[Scoffs]
What about the sisterhood?

Solidarity?
The-The color purple?

But tomorrow's
Valentine's Day.

I thought we didn't care
about Valentine's Day.

Look, Robin,
you'll find someone too.

You're a queen.
You've got so much
to offer.

Maybe do something
with that hair.

I'm tellin' you...
the power of Valentine's Day.

I'm Huey Lewis,
and you just heard the news.

Well, I think
I'm heading out too.

What? No. Don't go.
You wanna see a magic trick?

It's late, and I have
a date with my pillow.

I mean, not literally.
I'm not a lunatic.

Boy Scout Troop 15
doesn't stand a chance.

Night.

[Egg Crunches]

Speaking of the power
of Valentine's Day...

What are you talkin' about?

Oh, come on.
It's-It's past midnight.

Desperation Day
has come and gone,

and you have neither gone
nor come.

You know why?
You like Nora.

No, I don't. She's gross.
You like her.

You think
she smells like rain.

Whatever you say.

Oh, hey, Nora.
Nora!

[Marvin]
Here's a secret.

I couldn't see
worth a damn either, buddy.

I just kept drivin' forward,
hopin' for the best.

Look out!
Oh, God.

Gotcha.
[Chuckles]

[Ted Narrating]
And so we drove
through the night.

Out of Desperation Day
and into Valentine's.

And there was no trace
of my little freak-out.
Except...

Really?
An overnight bag
for your own living room?

Looks like we got
a matching set.

Well, that was
kind of presumptuous.

** [Pop]
* The moving of that sign *

* The ground was shaking
like a leaf *

Robin? Where are you?

Those Boy Scouts have
grown a foot since last year.
They're terrifying me!

Oh, yeah, change of plans.
Happy Valentine's Day.

[Grunts]
I hate you.

Hey, Barney.
Robin told me
to meet you guys here.

[Ted Narrating]
And that's how,
for the first time in his life,

Barney Stinson wound up
on a date on Valentine's Day.

[Electronic Gunfire]

Oh! You kil...

[Sighs]
You will be avenged.

** [Continues In Background]

[Mouthing Words]
[Man On TV]
Come on! Come on!

Kill me. I'm here! Kill me!

Baby! You're back!

Happy Valentine's Day,
Lily pad.
Oh!

[Screaming, Gunfire,
Predator Clicking]

We both knew this
would end eventually.

** [Piano: Romantic]