All language subtitles for Billy.Connolly.Its.Been.A.Pleasure.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Ladies and gentleman, will you
please welcome Billy Connolly?

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Who discovered
we could get milk from cows?

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

And what did they think
he was doing at the time?

LAUGHTER

Billy Connolly...

..he stands there for three hours,
and you don't stop laughing.

Help! Help!

There's stuff coming out my willy.

Fearless, utterly fearless.

He can get away with anything,
can't he?

My advice to you,
if you want to lose a bit of weight,

don't eat anything
that comes in a bucket.

Billy is the one and he is the only.

Billy doesn't fit any kind of label
regarding what a comedian is.

You Billy Connolly? Aye.

How you doing?

There is no sentence
that could do him justice.

I don't think any
would argue with me saying

Billy Connolly is Scottish.

A total twat.
Oh, no, did I say that?

He is an enigma.

I love him.

He is everything I wanna be.

The world would be a better place...

I wanna be a big, tall...

..if I was in charge.

..white Scotsman.

Do you feel beautiful?

I'm fabulous.

I'm come over all fabulous.

Hello.

Hello, hello.

Thank you very much.

Jesus, what a welcome,
thanks very much.

I've done my stand-up.
I did it for 50 years.

I did it quite well.

And it's time to stop.

Tonight, you may find
that you say the word "fuck"

a little more than you used to.

Where before, you would go, "Taxi!

"Argh! They never to seem to see me.

"I seem to be bloody invisible
or something."

Tonight, you might find you go,
"Taxi! Oh, fuck you!"

Don't worry about it. It goes away.

I'm the one who's going to hell,
you were only watching.

My illness, my Parkinson's Disease,
has rendered me different.

You're only doing that
cos I'm not well.

LAUGHTER

It would either mean
renewing what I do

and doing something else,

or give up what I did,
and that's what I've done.

The fact that Billy's
not gonna do stand-up any more,

if anyone complains about that...

He's done a lot for us.
He's given a lot.

# When the sun beats down
And burns the tar up on the roof. #

I don't imagine that he's being
sentimental or mawkish about it.

And he has delivered the catalogue,
the content, the opus.

We'll just have to look at
all his old stuff.

There's so much material out there,
that he'll be ever-present, I think.

Did your parents ask you
to have clean underwear,

in case you were in an accident?

Can you imagine,
you were in an accident

and your father
goes to see you in the hospital,

"How's my boy?"

"Oh, Mr Connolly,
he's in a terrible state.

"He's just been hit
by a double-decker bus, you know.

"He's in intensive care.

"I don't even know
if I should let you in to see him.

"Incidentally, his underwear
was a fucking disgrace."

So would yours be,

if you saw a big fucking bus
coming towards you!

For Christ's sake.

Billy Connolly's fan base
is absolutely everybody,

which is unheard of.

He knows what's on your mind,

and he's going to tell you
what's on your mind.

And it's gonna be funny.

He's got such a naughty twinkle,
Billy.

And it is that infectious
love of life that, I think,

is the reason why
everyone warms to him.

Never trust a man who,

when left alone in the room
with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.

There's no-one like him.
He's a raconteur.

He doesn't rely on jokes.

He relies on
his brilliant observation.

A scrotum is an ugly piece of stuff.

It's like a hairy brain.

It's just everyday life
he's talking about.

I thought, "No wonder they keep it
tucked away in a corner."

It's a design fault.

And I always imagine,
when bodies were being designed,

that happened, the fault.

"Er, God?" "What is it?"

"I've got a lot of elbow skin left.
What are we going to do with it?"

"Make wee bags.

"We'll put the balls in them.

"Saves them carrying them
around in their hand."

But it didn't work, did it?

Men just love it.

Some more than others.
Italian men do it all...

They seem to find a constant need
for adjustment, you know?

And it's like lightning.
It's barely noticeable at all.

Italian waiters,
"So, that's two antipasta, two soup.

"Oh, and one, did you want the pate?

"That's fine, that's pate.
Now, what about main course?"

A lot of it's to do with
the accuracy of his observation,

not just about how we speak
and behave, but physically.

There must be a tendon
connected to this cheek.

It's so pitch-perfect,

and yet exaggerated
to just the right level,

that you immediately...
it's instantly funny.

Do you ever eat Mexican food?

It's the weirdest food in the world.

No matter what you order,
the same fucking thing arrives.

The only difference
is how it's folded.

Excuse me, I ordered tortillas.
I seem to have fucking burritos.

"Oh, no problem, sir.

"There you go."

I got the honour of working with him
on a film called Quartet.

If there was a long time
in between takes, he'd tell a joke

and everybody would be
roaring laughing.

It was like getting
a private concert from him.

Why do I like to make people laugh?
Because it's a jolly thing.

It's good for you
and it's good for them.

It's a dynamite thing
to be able to do,

to get a laugh out of someone.

Billy's human,
and the great thing about Billy is,

it's not like
watching a star doing an act.

It's like watching
your mate go on stage

and make you piss yourself
with laughter.

Apparently, women need to feel loved
to have sex.

And men need to have sex
to feel loved.

We're fucked from square one.

You're in his family
when you're in the audience.

And he's in yours.

No matter how many hundreds or
thousands of people are out there,

it's as if you're sitting
at the dinner table with him.

If I do it right, they'll feel good.

And if they feel good,
I'll feel good.

There's nothing complicated
about it.

Which routine of yours, Billy,
do you remember the most fondly?

I think it might be The Wildebeest.

It doesn't sound funny
when you're explaining it,

but when you put it together
and present it, it works.

I'm not as young as I was.

None of us are.

But one of the disconcerting signs
I've found recently...

..is shouting at the television.

That is my favourite sketch ever.

It was a thing
about wildebeests, wildebeest.

He makes almost this pub scene
with all these characters.

You immediately
know who he's becoming

with every little flicker.

"Do you hear a lion?

"I thought I heard a lion there.

"Just got that liony kind of feel
about the place, you know?"

And there's a particularly stupid
wildebeest about four back,

and he goes, "Did you say lion?
I've never seen a lion.

"What are they like?

"I heard they were beige.
Is that right? Are they beige?

"Camel hair kind of colour?"

He said, "Hey, you,
eat the fucking grass,

"and shut up and do as you're told."

"Excuse me for being fucking born,
by the way.

"Ask him a question about a lion,

"you get a mouthful
of fucking abuse."

Meanwhile,
it cuts back to the male lions,

they're all lying under a tree,
scratching themselves,

playing cards, you know, smoking.

And then it cuts back to
the female lions.

They're now about 6ft
from the wildebeest.

And the leader one's sneaking up,
doing that shoulder number.

"Agnes!

"Agnes. Agnes.

"Agnes!"

HE MOUTHS INSTRUCTIONS

"Rargh! Fucking lion!"

"Where? Where's the fucking lion?"

Bang! Boof! It's on the ground,
they've split it open.

Their heads in its ribcage.

There's lungs and stomachs
flying out, blood everywhere.

His back legs still trying to run.

And there's a wildebeest standing,
watching them doing it.

"Oh, look at them,
eating that thing."

I'm screaming at the telly,
"Run, you fucking idiot!"

If they look up,
you're fucking history.

Do you see that dust?

That's every fucking wildebeest
in Africa!

Run after them!
They know something you don't!

And I've come to the conclusion

that wildebeest don't know
they're wildebeest,

for there are no mirrors
in the Serengeti Plain.

You can be anything you like.

You ask a wildebeest,
"Are you a wildebeest?"

"Oh, fuck, are you kidding?

"Wildebeest, that'll be right (!)

"I'm one of them stripy things
over there.

"Too fucking right, oh, aye.

"One of them lions looks up,
I'll just fucking fly away."

He's a brilliant actor, Billy.
He really is.

I don't think you can be
that brilliant at comedy

unless you're a great actor.

The long stories are great,

because they're lovely
for melding the audience to you.

'As you go through the story,'

you've got punchlines
all over the place and funny words.

A life comes over the audience,

because the ultimate thing to do
is to make them one unit,

thinking the same.

You just feel great.

It's like singing a song
and they all join in.

Thanks.

Billy, I've heard
that you think Robert De Niro

is the best actor in the world.

CHUCKLES
Why?

God, I love him.

Billy started out as a welder.

And he made his living,
or tried to make his living at that.

He had a pretty good voice

and he was able to become
a part of a band.

He would sometimes
just say a couple of things,

and the audience started to realise
that he was funny.

# Away in the forest
A bluebird was sleeping

# Where only the coyote calls... #
STRING SNAPS

CHUCKLES

Well, that's fucked that one,
hasn't it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Even at the beginning,
he had that gene of,

"Nothing's gonna faze me.
I'm gonna get through this."

And that's probably
a Glasgow ex-welder thing.

If you worked in the docks,

there's not gonna be
very much that scares you.

Gimme the guitar, Billy.
I'm OK.

I'm doing a bit of posing.

He had that experience
as a musician

to know how to work an audience.

As soon as the cameras stop,
you can take the heavy stuff.

Billy was the first person
to go into arenas, theatres.

Albert Hall, eh?

Woo-hoo.

He just had the charisma.
The hair, the way he looked.

He definitely was
the first rock star of comedy.

If you think about the way
Billy dresses,

particularly early doors,

you know, the banana feet,
the kind of tights,

it's disarming.

MUSIC: 'Back In Black'
by AC/DC

'I wore weird stuff,

'because I would be playing
in lounge bars in Oswaldtwistle

'and I would arrive
in my denim stuff'

and they would say,
"Has the guest arrived yet?"

'I thought, "I'm gonna dress so as
they know it's me when I walk in."

'And that was the way
I got my sort of image.

'I became this loud guy
from Scotland,'

and it worked.

I feel like I first became aware
of Billy Connolly

through that
LWT An Audience With... special.

APPLAUSE STOPS

OTHER AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

APPLAUSE STOPS

I can remember sitting very close
to the television

and watching him
in that black and white shirt,

and his name up in lights.

And all famous people
from that time sat in the audience.

So, tonight, if you suck,
they come in.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE STOPS

I just felt like
it was a kind of alchemy,

a kind of magic
that he was performing there.

There are many, many highlights
in that Audience With...

But the king and queen of routines
is the incontinence pants.

It comes out of that page
in the Daily Mirror...

..where they sell
all the weird stuff.

I used to find it really funny,
what was on sale.

Incontinence knickers.

There's always
too many incontinence knickers.

I should imagine they were, like,
a nappy... with a pad in them.

But I made it like plus fours,
to make it funny.

Young people are incontinent too.
I mean, it strikes at all ages.

Suppose this young, trendy guy,
he sees the advert.

"Right, that'll do me.

"Give us a pair of them.

"Give us a bit of that.

"That's the very fellows for me!

"My see-through plus fours."

Then get the trendy
baggy trousers on,

and off to the discotheque,
giving it a bit of that, yeah.

Aye. "Yeah, how you're doing?
What's your sign?

"Sagittarius? Oh, aye."

Psssh!

Cares not a jot.

Psssh!

# Saddle up and ride your pony
# Saddle up and ride your... #

Psssh!

"What's happening later? Yeah?"

Psssh!

There's seven gallons down each leg.

"I'll take...

"..I'll take you home in a minute.

"I'll just go
and empty my underwear."

I cried with laughter,
and then it was over.

And then he said, "Thank you."

And I just thought,
"Well, who does that?"

It was a joy to do. And the people,
to see them crying like that,

it's such a privilege.

I have to say, the other thing
which is famous in my family is...

# Harry hooo... #

..Glaswegians singing.

I used to go to parties
and listen to these men singing.

For years,
I didn't know it was English.

# Harry hooo

# Harry loves you very much...

HOLDS NOTE

# Shada-bo, shooda-bee! #

My family do this.

My sister will just start
singing that over dinner.

My brother will be on the phone,
he'll be FaceTiming me,

and starting singing.
D'you have a few drinks last night?

# Shada-bo! #

And that's from Billy Connolly.

You get a huge carry-out first.

You get a dozen beers
and a half bottle of whisky.

And then you go along
these tenement streets, listening.

And them from a window, you hear...

# Harry ho... #

I think the comedian, like the poet,

plays an incredibly important role
in society.

He should be able to see things

'that the average guy
in the street can't see.'

He should able to spot the absurdity
in something that's just accepted.

He knows what he's talking about,
that guy.

I don't think I ever saw that
South Bank Show first time around.

That was the year that I met Billy.

He talks so cleverly

and so analytically about artistry,
that level of observation.

I might have been surprised
to see him talking that way,

because my experience of him in 1979

was that he was this wild
and crazy person

who didn't mind a bevvy or ten.

I was in an aeroplane,
and I got this magazine.

I turn a page over and there's me.

I thought, "Fuck, it's me."

I'm looking at this article.

"Billy's extraordinary technique."

I thought,
"Oh, maybe they know what it is."

"He can leave the subject
for days on end, weeks...

"..and always, unerringly,

"comes back to
exactly where he left off."

No, I don't. "Quite near" does me.

If I get back to quite near
what I was talking about,

that's enough.

As a matter of fact, that's why
I never became an airline pilot.

Yeah, you can imagine.

"The plane landed
quite near Heathrow."

"Off!

"We're in a ploughed field!"
"Did I fucking ask you?"

Billy Connolly, famously,
can do two different sets

on two different nights.

And I think you can feel that,

that this is a person
that is channelling.

I was gonna talk about something.
I've gone astray.

He's making that shit up.
Oh, yes!

And that's a rare thing.

That's different from watching
Seinfeld, a mathematician.

Billy Connolly, poet.

Oh, oh, wait till you hear this!

Would you fucking...?
No, wait a minute.

I don't know how he does that.

He said at one point,

there's actually a voice
that he hears in his head

that says, "You'd better say it now,

"because you're gonna forget it
in two seconds."

Sorry about that.

Sometimes I see pictures
that just fucking crack me up.

Billy doesn't write things down.
He doesn't practise.

He doesn't prepare to go on stage
and do a three-hour concert

in front of thousands
and thousands of people.

What he does is trust
that he's going to be funny.

Thoughts come in.

They come doddling into my head
when I'm talking about stuff.

I'll say a word
that'll remind me of another word,

and that'll remind me of a thing.

And I'll just pull it in and do it.

It's why he gets so nervous
before performing,

because he always thinks that
that ability to just be funny

without any safety net
is going to elude him.

You ever noticed about
a Glasgow drunk,

he walks with one leg.

He's usually carrying a fish supper,

which looks as if it weighs
about two hundredweight.

I always loved Billy's drunk walks.

They were so brilliantly observed
and so accurate.

He's a people watcher, isn't he?

And he's great at physical comedy
and becoming characters.

And he's got
a chip in his right hand,

which he's trying to stare out.

He's not just dealing with language.

He's recognising that he's a jester.

He's a proper Chaplinesque,
demonstrating kind of comedian.

He's doing this one-legged walk
and wondering how come

he's knackered
and not getting anyplace.

He's an observational stand-up.

He's a mimic.
He's a physical comedian.

He's also, actually,
a really sharp satirist.

My wife, Pamela,
was invited to a dinner,

Christmas,
in a huge house in Yorkshire.

One of these houses,
when you go in the gate,

you've still got half an hour to go
to get to the house.

Like serious dough, super toffs.

The guy who owns the place,
he's giving us all a drink.

And I said,
"So, what do you do now?"

He said, "Toboggan."

I said, "No, I meant,
what do you do for a living?"

He said, "Toboggan."

I said, "Toboggan?" "Yes, toboggan."

As if it was the most normal thing
on earth.

"He's a jolly good tobogganist.
Keeps his toboggan lovely."

And that's the difference.

It isn't money.

That's the difference
between them and us.

Is they think it's all right
to be a tobogganist.

Go to the dole and say,
"Occupation? Tobogganist."

"What?"

"Tobogganist."

"Erm...

"Hang on a minute, I'll have to see
Mr McClafferty about that."

He's over to the supervisor,
you know?

"He says he's a tobogganist."

"Tobogganist, you say?"

"Aye."

"Fuck me."

"Maybe he's got a speech impediment
or something."

"Aye, that'll be it.
Write down tobacconist."

I think Billy's
a master of his craft, you know?

No-one better.

I wouldn't know a single stand-up
from any background now

whose almost, like,
family tree of performance

doesn't go back to Billy Connolly.

He's the only genuine,
great stand-up

that's among the true pantheon.

So, what better to aspire to?

He turned it into an art form,

from just, like, a small,
silly craft to a proper career.

I'd like to dedicate
this award to Billy Connolly.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my comedy hero.

When I met him,
I was quiet and reverential.

But there was a bit
where I looked at my own feet

and then tracked across the floor
to Billy Connolly's feet.

I thought, "You're standing
on the same stage as him."

Peter Kay,
you should have given me that thing.

See that, he dedicated it to me
and then took it away.

Bastard.

LAUGHTER,
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Limelight grabber.

And you put your thing there,
put your elbows out and twist round.

MIMICS FART

There's air in there
that's been there since 1947.

MIMICS FART

Farts are funny,
because it's a funny noise.

MIMICS FART

Amazing!

He'll say things like,

"You love the smell
of your own farts,

"but you don't like other peoples."

Well, I thought, "That's true."

MIMICS FART

But it took his head to think that
and to dare say it.

Can you imagine, instead of going...
MIMICS FART

..what if it went, "Fart"?

It doesn't matter your station
in life, you won't survive it.

If you're proposing marriage
to a girl,

and you're down on one knee
and you says,

"Senga, will you...?"
MIMICS FART

Forget it. You're single.

Women can't keep secrets.

No, that's a stupid thing,
stupid generalisation.

So, what we'll say tonight is,
women could easily keep secrets

if they wanted to,
but they don't seem to want to.

Men, on the other hand,
can keep secrets,

because men, basically,
are sneakier than women.

To make the see-saw work,
we need something else here

that women are good at
and men aren't very good at.

That keeps the wheel turning,

because every action
has an equal and opposite reaction.

Everybody knows that.

Yin-yang,
the whole shooting match, right?

So, women aren't good at secrets,
men are very good.

Women can hold in a fart, men can't.

What are we to learn from this?

If you want a woman
to keep a secret,

whisper it up her arse.

A lot of people have got a filter
when something comes in their head

and you go, "I can't say that."

But he's not like that.

He just has a thought,

and it can be about subjects

that were, at that time,
considered taboo.

In the toilet, lock the door.
"Oh, for Christ's sake."

Another wee jobby.

A wee beige jobby.

'It was real.'

It was a British Railways toilet
on a train.

It's one of life's huge problems,

which is actually a wee,
tiny problem,

but becomes enormous because of
the way we regard each other.

You flush and flush
with all your might.

Doodle-doodle-doo.

Sometimes, it actually goes
under the bit as well.

It hides.

Then just as you go like that...
Doodle-doo!

You try battering it
to death with paper towels.

"Go away!"

And you can't leave.

You're stuck in there
with this bloody thing.

You go to leave,
you walk out the door,

and somebody's coming in.

"By the way, that's not mine."

"Oh, really?"

Billy tells the truth.

And the truth, by definition,

is not always in what we call
good taste.

Anywhere you're vulnerable,
you're funny.

And when your trousers are down,
you're vulnerable.

Just recently, I had a colonoscopy,

where they shove
a television camera up your arse.

But before you get this thing,
you get these laxatives to take.

Now, these aren't your high-fibre,
natural product

made from tea tree
and badgers' pubic hair.

You know? You know those adverts
you get on telly?

"Are you feeling listless?

"What you need's a good shit.

"Go to a friendly chemist
and ask for Shit Easy."

Well, it's not that.

This is like NASA.

There isn't a natural thing
within a mile of this.

And you take them all at once.

And... be quite near a bathroom.

Till he sort of came on the scene,

people saved that
for their private lives,

and then had a routine
for the stage.

His private life just walked
right on stage and came out.

I'd hardly got
the tweeds to my knees,

and my arse was
just on its way to the seat.

MIMICS DIARRHOEA

You know... when it's like a hose
that nobody's holding?

MIMICS DIARRHOEA

Fucking hell,
I'm looking through the wee hole.

Jesus. And then it would stop
for a sort of breather, you know?

Your arse is hanging in tatters
like this.

We all know that moment
of looking between our legs.

We recognise, like,
the sort of scatological sounds.

So, when he then says...

I'll be like a walnut
when this is finished.

..it's literal hypnosis.
I recognise this, I recognise this.

Oh, my God,
I could be reduced to a walnut.

He knows which images
are inherently funny.

But you can only be that disgusting
if people love you,

if you've made people love you,

otherwise it's just
absolutely revolting.

Your arse is burning.

You have to put
the toilet paper in the fridge.

He somehow is able to turn
the very mundane things we do

and go through in life...

Holy macaroni!

..not only into great humour,
but with an intimacy and a humanity.

He loves life, and that
comes through more than anything.

You know that cuddle thing
that women have got?

"Let's just cuddle."

"Oh, OK."

I'll tell you what's wrong with it.

You, your knees get in fine,
you know?

You're always behind, your guy's
always the one at the back.

The cuddlee,
the one who suggested it,

is at the front, because
they're the one that gets cuddled.

The one at the back gets fuck all.

He's the cuddler. Right?

And this arm's fine,
it goes over here.

But this is a real problem.

So, you can do that.

And none of them is comfortable.

The only one that's comfortable
is put it under her and lie on out.

And after a while, it goes grey,

and you can't feel anything in it
any more.

And you can't get your head
in the right position,

because her hair
goes up in your mouth.

And she says,
"See, it's nice, isn't it?"

"I wonder what's on TV?"

"Might as well make a move,
see what happens."

"Don't, you'll spoil it!"

The pitch of laugher
from the audience,

he's maintaining near hysteria for
very long periods of time, you know.

Typically, you'll have five minutes,
ten minutes, whatever,

of normal, regulated laughter.

Like, the fact that he can
hold those waves so long,

I think he can sustain...
Excuse me, my dogs come with me.

It's not one of them dogs
that wears a special vest

for friendship and companionship,

but he does basically perform
that emotional function.

Forgive the problems
that he's providing.

But I feel that Billy Connolly
would somewhat approve,

particular of what he's about to do,
right now. There you go.

Honouring the subject
by licking his own genitals.

LAUGHS

What greater tribute can we have
for Billy Connolly

than a literal shaggy dog
licking his own sexual organs?

God bless you.

That's brilliant.

You appreciate that?
Oh, 100%.

I'm with you there.

My dog ate my hearing aid
this morning.

$6,000.

I suppose it'll come out
in their poo. What do you think?

I know what I'm gonna be doing
for the next 24 hours.

Picking through poodle poo.

You know,
Scotsmen don't have huge willies.

We have normal-size willies,
but we do have enormous pubic hair.

You've probably seen it, you know,

pipe bands, where they cut a slit
in the kilt and pull it through.

Billy's background
as a boy who grew up in Glasgow,

his family life, a certain level
of financial poverty,

all of those things make him
the comedian that he is today.

It's been the main influence,
Glasgow. Glasgow attitude.

It'll never leave me.

My parents used to have dances
while they were hitting me.

We made our own entertainment.

They would hit me
in the rhythm of the argument.

"Don't you ever let me see you
doing that again!

"Did you hear what I said?

"Don't you ever, ever, ever..."

Billy once said, "I think comedy
comes from a very dark place."

And it was true in his life, because
his father was physically abusive,

his mother left
when he was four years old.

Life is funny if you let it be.

If you're letting the rotten things
in your life be funny,

it cures them.

As an example, he said his father
would lift him up

and hold up by an arm
and whack him with the other hand.

And he would say to him each time...

"Have you had enough?"

What a stupid question!

"Would you like some more
of the same?"

I think you're supposed to say...

"..Would a kick in the testicles
be out of the question?"

The fact that he can turn
this traumatic moment into humour,

even at an early age...

"I can't believe my father
asked me this stupid question.

"Have I had enough?

"No, Dad. Keep it up. I love it."

Billy's got a great way
of self-deprecating.

We know he's a rock and roll star,
he's hung out with royalty,

you know, superstars.

But he evokes this childhood
of growing up in Glasgow

and he makes us care.

Aberdeen has a beach,
because it's got sand.

There,
the similarity to beaches ends.

That's the North Sea,
for Christ's sake.

On the horizon, there's oil rigs.

"Now, hear this.

"All employees must wear
a survival suit at all times.

"You wouldn't last two minutes
if you fell into the North Sea.

"Failure to wear a survival suit
will result in instant dismissal."

40 miles away, there's women
taking their children's clothes off.

"In you go, you big jessie!"

The stories of everyday life,
for example, when he was a kid

and you go into the sea, and he had
the woollen swimming wear.

And when he came out,
the swimming wear was this big.

We all went through that
in the '50s, when were kids.

It was just hilarious.

None of your Speedo, second skin.

This was more your second cardigan.

Big woolly number, you know?

If you were stupid enough
to go in above your waist,

it grew like this.

It was absorbent,
it could drag you to the bottom!

You had to grab armfuls
when you were coming out.

The crotch was a way down here.

People could look in
and see your willy, if you had one.

But in the North Sea, you don't.

Tony Wilson of Evening Herald.
Evening Herald.

Evening Press, how are you?

So, you don't even have
an exciting stage name.

You sound like the boy next door,
you know? Yeah, I am, I am.

I first heard of him in the mid-70s,

at my primary school,
cos he had been to that school.

And he was famous in Glasgow
and probably west coast of Scotland.

And one of his most famous routines
was The Last Supper.

He satirised Jesus.

And, like, there weren't
very many people doing that.

It wasn't really allowed,
but he just did it.

The fact that we were at
a Catholic school,

added an extra edge to it.

We were warned by the teachers that
we shouldn't be liking

Billy Connolly,
because he was blasphemous.

There's a big spread
in the papers saying,

"I have nothing against the man,
but he is a blasphemer."

I love these words, a blasphemer.

Until he became more famous
and the school invited him over

as a sort of famous son,
the hypocritical bastards.

I first started to hear about him
when we were in Scotland

in the early days
of bringing up our family.

And me and Linda and the kids
had moved to Scotland

to get out of the craziness
that was going on in London.

And we started to hear about
this comedian

who was touring around,
so it was like,

"Oh, we must try and catch him."
You know?

So, we met him.

Billy Connolly's blasphemy
of Jesus Christ.

That's why we're protesting
as Christians, you see?

There was a vicar or a priest
who was following him round on tour

and telling everyone how bad he was,

what a terrible influence
and it was disgusting.

To take something that people
might be tense about, like religion,

which is a big one,

and to be able to flag up
the madnesses of it

is quite brave, cos audiences
don't always want to hear that.

When he'd choose
to be transgressive,

it's like, "Oh God, he's doing it.

"I guess we're doing this now.
Hold onto your hats."

Moses went up Mount Sinai.

He's talking to
a fucking burning bush

and it's talking back to him.

Were there any witnesses? No.

Mohammed was in the wilderness.

The Angel Gabriel,
or as they call it, Jibril,

gave them the messages from God.

Any witnesses? No.

Joseph Smith, the Mormon,
an angel called Moroni shows up.

Gives him two tablets of gold
in ancient Egyptian

that he'd never set eyes on
in his entire life.

He went into the house,

translated it that night
into the Book of Mormon.

Where are the tablets of gold?

He gave them back to the angel.

Any witnesses? No.

How fucking convenient.

It seems to me that he don't regard
that subject

with any particular reverence.

It's the same
as he would talk about anything.

All things are important,
all things not important.

What's ironic about the
"Were there any witnesses?" thing,

is that if Billy Connolly
had existed back then

and come down from the hills
and said, "I saw a burning bush,"

he's such a convincing performer,

I would've been like,
"Fair enough, stick it in the book."

I was gonna come here on the bus,
but I was feared in case somebody

would think I was the Pope
and I'd get tore into.

I think we felt,
first of all Glasgow,

and then Scotland felt
that he was our secret.

He was our kind of golden treasure
that we could enjoy quietly.

And it kind of, at first,
became a little bit annoying

that the rest of the world
found out about him.

I took Billy on tour with me
as a support act in America.

And it's very odd to have a comedian
open a show for a rock star anyway,

but I just wanted him
to go to America.

And he was brilliantly funny,
and even though the audience,

I think, probably didn't understand
what he was saying some of the time,

he was very brave to do that.

He loves Elton,
and it was a very nice gift.

But it was not easy for him
to play someone else's audience.

It was a nightmare.

They'd say, "Ladies and gentleman,
Elton's friend, Billy Connolly."

"Boo, fuck off! Boo."

And I had to get on with it
from there.

He probably went down like
a lead zeppelin in some places.

But the thing is,
it toughened him up

and it made him
even more determined.

In Britain, being small,
you become top of the bill.

And if that's not enough,
you have to widen your field.

Will you please welcome
Billy Connolly?

CHEERING

Hi, how are you doing, Sydney?

Hello, Brisbane people.

HE YODELS

Australia, New Zealand, Canada.

He's very big in those places.

Of course, Australia,

being the sort of place
that is particularly interesting

in terms of things
that can hurt you,

was a place that provided him with
enormous amount of comedy material.

I touched a stonefish one day.
I was extremely brave.

It was in a wee cave thing
on some coral, you know?

It wasn't being its normal...
"Hello.

"I'm a stone, you can stand on me,
if you like."

Argh!

Apparently,
it's the worst pain known to man.

How do they know this?

I don't know.

Somebody must have said,
"I stood on one of them once."

"How was it?"
"Worst fucking pain known to man."

"Have you known a lot of pain?"

"Aye... fell off my bike once."

I'm sure there's a device
of some kind

that measures things like that.

There's some kind of meter.

It goes from "ouch"...

..right round to
"what the fuck was that?"

"Jesus Christ!" is the next one,
goes up like that, you know?

"Sweet fucking mother of Jesus.
What the fuck was that?"

Right through "agony",
to "worst pain known to man."

I think it's a German device.

Billy just wanted to
play everywhere.

And he always wanted to prove that
he could be successful in America.

And he really has been.

American people love him,
and his career in America blossomed.

All right.
See, everybody's really nice.

You laid that on for me, didn't you?
Well, yeah, you know.

All these people came to say hi.
HBO and you.

HBO and me, I'm telling you.

You know, Whoopi
was an amazing advocate for Billy.

She opened a lot of doors for him

by inviting him to be on
her HBO Special.

It was an amazingly important
turning point.

I think I'll take a twizzler.

HBO'll pick this up.

BILLY LAUGHS

I said,
"I've found this really amazing guy,

"and I wanna do a special with him."

See all these nice Brooklyn people?
Whoopi!

How you doing?
I love you.

Yeah, good to see you. See?

HBO said, "So, you'll do an hour,

"he'll do 15 minutes."

I said,
"Billy, here's what we're gonna do.

"You're gonna do the hour
and I'm gonna do the 15 minutes."

And he was like, "What?"
I said, "Just roll with it."

This guy, as it turns out,
is known everywhere in the world,

except for our country,
which I found very, very offensive.

Very offensive,
cos we're hip, ain't we?

CROWD: Yeah!
We know what's happening, right?

Yeah!
How come we didn't know about this?

'Americans, for the most part,
like smart humour.'

We want people who are smart,
who can take us a step up.

Do a little bit of other kind
of humour, but take us on a journey.

I don't like the whole concept
of flying in aeroplanes.

There's something
basically wrong with it.

And they lie to you all the time.

Because if they were to tell you
the truth, they would have to say,

"Ladies and gentleman,
in the highly unlikely event

"of loss of power
on all four engines...

"..then, in all probability,

"we'll go into the ground
like a fucking dart.

"You won't be screaming,

"you'll be trying to get the seat
in front of you out of your mouth.

"We would be obliged if you wear
your life jacket on the way down.

"This will do you no good at all,

"but when archaeologists find you...
in 200 years,

"they'll think
there was a river here."

He's a consummate artist.
People loved him.

You just don't get opportunities
to see that kind of artistry.

And people don't think of comics
as artists, but we are.

'It was my birthday.

I got Concorde to New York,

and I arrived
at the same time as I left.

My birthday just kept going on
and on.

'I did two shows at the theatre
with Whoopi

'and we had a party at night.'

It was a great day in my life.

I've got Parkinson's disease,

and I wish to fuck he'd kept it
to himself, but there you go.

I saw Billy do his last show

and it was a masterclass
in performance and storytelling.

Well, I'm glad
you find Parkinson's funny.

It was obvious from my movement,
that I wasn't who I used to be.

And so I had to explain it to them,

just to say
that I'm not defined by it.

It's got me, and it'll get me
and it'll end me, but...

..that's OK with me.

There's a real sense with Billy
that he's part of a long tradition.

And it's the tradition
of people gathered round a fire,

listening to a story.

And that's a universal thing,
which is why he's international.

He can work anywhere. He can walk on
and just start telling you a story,

and the audience leans forward.

Hello.

Billy gets them because he talks
about things we are interested in.

Why can't women keep a secret?

What it's like to be drunk.

Why do men hold their private parts?

Sex. Flatulence.

MIMICS FART

He talks about us,
and I think that's why we like him.

You eat brown bread your whole life,

I eat white bread my whole life.

How much longer
are you going to live than me?

We're talking a fortnight.

But it isn't a fortnight
when you're 18,

shagging everything
that walks in front of you.

No, it's a fortnight
when you're in an old folks' home,

pissing your trousers,
being fed out of a blender.

You know you're getting really old,
because your tongue comes out

when the spoon's
only halfway to your face.

"I tell you what, Mr Connolly,
you're looking all sad.

"Sort of a sad expression
in your face.

"Is that because your friends
are all dead?

"That was the white bread crowd.

"But you've got two weeks to go."

I started low and I ended high.

Just staying up there
until it's time to stop

seems a natural
and good thing to do.

It's a good thing to be proud of.

I wanted to be a funny man,
and I got it.

It's a bit of a responsibility

to be married to somebody
who is so universally loved.

Shoom.

His health is actually great.

The move to Florida
has been fantastic for him.

There's far less stress than when
we were living in New York.

He is writing his autobiography,
so that's very exciting.

He loves to draw.
He goes into his studio space

and comes out
with something incredible.

Drawing has given me
a new lease of life.

I manage to get pictures together

and people like them,

which surprises me,
and amazes and delights me.

It's a lovely thing to do
with yourself.

# Sitting on the dock of a bay
Wasting time... #

What he wants to do now
is take it easy.

He wants to... he wants to fish.

He wants to sit on his dock
in Florida and enjoy the sunshine,

and watch television,
and drink tea and eat biscuits.

That's what he wants to do.

See you later, thank you.

It's been a pleasure talking to you.
Good night.

It's been lovely talking to you.
Good night.

Thanks very much, ladies
and gentleman, I'm out of here.

Thank you very much and good night.

It's been a pleasure
talking to you all those years.

From the beginning,
when I was a folkie, right through.

I couldn't have done anything
without you.

You've been magnificent.

He's had an incredible life. I think
when he looks back on his life,

he'll be extremely proud
of what he has done.

I named my son after Billy,
by the way.

You know that?
My son is called Billy.

Named after Billy Connolly.

Ah, oh, great.

I'm somewhat sentimental,

as I'm sure you've realised,
about Billy Connolly.

All of us will miss the fact

that he's not gonna be performing,
you know?

If someone makes you laugh,
it's like falling in love.

If someone makes you laugh...

To think... we won't be able to see
a new idea pop into his mind

'while he's doing something else'

and see one of his brilliant...
divergences,

that's gonna be a loss.

Oh, I actually... I'm going to cry.

There aren't many
that leave a mark, you know.

There aren't many that do
that thing where you go,

"That's a Billy Connollyism."

I feel a bit emotional now,
thinking about him, to be honest.

I think you can sort of
forget how...

I hope he knows it. Oh my God,

I can't believe I'm gonna cry,
this is so silly.

When I think about him deeply,
I find it very moving.

I want him to be around for a long,
long time.

I've changed my mind.
I'm coming back.

I'm very touched.

'But remember,
I'm happy where I am.'

And it's because of you
and what you made of my life.

I've got no complaints at all.

# I've got piles, you've got scabies

# The wain's got the measles
And the dog's got the rabies

# Oh, boy
When you're with me, oh, boy

# The world can see
That you were made for me

# Tum-tiddly-um-pum, oh, boy! #

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