All language subtitles for abbys.s01e02.720p.hdtv.x264-lucidtv

[upbeat music]

of a live outdoor audience.t

- Okay, tonight's round

of guess that terrible
Rosie drawing starts...now.

Good God, that is terrible
even for you.

All right, hint.
- She's really famous.

- Queen Elizabeth.

Queen Latifah.

Maybe Oprah?

- Okay, hint number two.
- She's a modern singer.

- Bette Midler.

- What? Dude, she said modern.

- Uh, well then, um...

Ariani Seleno.

- Okay, third and final hint.

- Chula Vista gas station.

- Britney Spears!
- Yes!

- 27 seconds!

- I stand by Queen Latifah.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[chattering, laughter]

[cheering]

- Hey, Abs.

Any chance you could trim
that tree by the fence?

It's dropping these spiky
little gumball things

into my backyard.
- Oh, I love these things.

When I was a kid, I used to
make creepy little earrings

out of them.

- When I was a kid,
my granny used to

chuck 'em at me.

She was a monster.

- Yeah, it's just my Jacuzzi
is littered with 'em,

and that's the only place
at home where I can

escape my boys.

When they were five,
I told them

the jets could suck them
down the drain

and spit them into the Pacific.

[laughing]

They still believe it.

Oh, those dummies.
- I don't know, Beth.

I like the trees
the way they are.

Plus, those branches

block my view
of Henry's backyard.

He swims nude.
He does yoga nude.

He teaches yoga nude.

To other nude people.

I can't help you.
- Uh, hey, Abby.

Some of these bar rules
are ridiculous.

"89: No talking
about your dreams"?

Well, what if you had
a real doozy

where you and Barack Obama
opened up a restaurant toge--

- Uh. No.
- No, no, no.

- All right, fine.
I can take a hint.

I know when I'm not wanted.

I was just gonna go
put this quarter

in the jukebox--but
it's Missouri!

Oh, man!

I've been looking for
a Missouri for quite some time.

As you might have guessed,
I collect

the state quarters,
and Missouri is--

well, let's just say they don't
grow on trees, my friends.

[chuckles] I can't use
this on a dumb song.

I'm in quite a pickle here now.
- Hey.

Lookee, I got all kinds
of change here.

Why don't you go spend it.
Way over there.

- Thanks, Fred.
- Okay.

- Okay, so your landlord, Bill,

he's just here now,
interacting with us forever?

- Yeah, it's a problem.
Okay, huddle up.

[clears throat]

Do you remember
when we had the mice

and it was impossible
to enjoy ourselves?

Well, this is just like
the mice, okay?

Don't worry.
I'll handle it.

- Oh. So you're going to lure
Bill into a plastic tube

using peanut butter and then
release him in Balboa Park?

- No. Would that work,
do you think?

No, right?

- Hey, Fred.
Just an FYI.

A lot of this change
is just buttons.

- Hey, uh, Bill.

I feel like we've been taking
up a lot of your time lately.

There must be tons
of other people in your life

who are just desperate
to get a...

a hot slice of Bill.
- Not really.

Most of my "friends"
are at trivia night

with my ex-wife,
so, you know,

if I showed up there,
it would be a little awkward.

- Well, you never know
unless you try though, right?

- I did try last week actually.

Yeah, the only question
I didn't know the answer to is,

"Who is that strange man
and why is his hand

on my ex-wife's lower back?"

- You know, you're never gonna
really understand the bar

if you're just reading through
the rules, you know?

Maybe you should just go sit
on the back benches.

Get to know the people.
- She's right, Bill.

It's not really fair that you
just got your own seat

at the bar without having to
come up through the ranks

like everybody else.
- Shocker.

The tall, white man got to skip
to the head of the line.

- Whoa. come on.

I only got to skip ahead
because this is my property.

- And why is it your property?

- It's not
because I'm tall or white.

It's because I inherited
from my rich aunt,

fair and square.

Wow, I am truly part
of the problem, aren't I?

- So go be part
of the solution.

Get on back there.
Sit amongst the people.

- It'll be like
"Undercover Boss."

- Except everybody knows
who are you are.

- And you're not the boss.

- All right,
I'll give it a try.

I mean, I do love
"Undercover Boss."

Those wigs. I mean, who do
they think they're kidding?

- So you're saying Tony Gwynn's
big paunchy belly

is what made him good?
- Yeah.

Fat is energy, Dale.

That's science.

- Hey. Baseball, huh, guys?

The ol' white ball,
isn't that right?

Did you guys know that the name
"Padres" is actual a reference

to the Franciscan priests
who built missions

all up and down the coast
of California?

Actually,
have you guys ever been

to the San Juan Capistrano
mission?

Because it is very beautiful.

- I've been to Mission Burrito.

- Now, that place is legit.

Damn, man, I wish we could
wear sandals.

That's like 80% of the reason
why I moved to San Diego.

The other 20% is...

military towns
make me feel safe.

- That's right.
Rule number 103.

No men are allowed to wear
open-toed shoes in the bar

because "gross,
who wants to see that?"

- Totally untrue.
I have beautiful feet.

It's my ankles
that's the problem.

- If you guys wanted,
I could talk to Abby about it.

- For real?
- Well, yeah, I mean,

I'm her landlord,
and as the property owner,

I should have some pull
with her.

- Bill, that would be amazing.

If you could get
that rule changed,

you'd be my new best friend.
- [chuckles] Really?

I mean, yeah, I'll give it
a shot, I don't know.

Okay, I'll do it.

Excuse me, bar keep?

Oh, my God. I'm really sorry.
I don't know why I said that.

Hey, listen, Abby, can I talk
to you about something?

- Nothing would make me
happier, Bill.

- Okay, well, I think that
we should amend Rule 103.

I think it's time that the men
at the bar

are able to wear
open-toed shoes.

- Seriously, James?
You got Bill asking me now?

- I don't even--what
are we talking about?

- The answer is no, Bill.
Let me tell you a little story.

I was attacked
by a man's foot once.

It was two years ago.

I was reaching down
to pick up a pen

when an older gentleman's
toenail grazed my cheek.

- Eww.

- And...his big toe,
briefly but unmistakably,

touched the tip of my tooth.

- [groaning]

- I worked for two years
on a commercial fishing boat.

Saw a lot of fish
clubbed to death.

And that is the most upsetting
thing I've ever seen.

- Okay, yes, that is just
really, really, really gross,

but it was a freak accident,
Abby.

Okay, I've been talking
to the people,

the real people,
the back bench people,

who are, by the way,
the fabric of this bar,

and their feet are suffering.

- The people have impulses
that aren't always

what's best for them
or the bar,

especially when there's booze
involved.

- She's right.
Last week, Fireworks Jerry

had four rum and Cokes
and wanted to set off

bottle rockets back here.
- Bottle rockets!

Who needs them? You need some?
I have some.

You need some?
- Jerry, settle down!

Settle.

- Down.

- Second of all,
the rules protect

the integrity of the bar.

We don't just change them
on a whim, okay?

Conversation over.

all: [chanting softly]
Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

- Ahem, excuse me.

I hereby invoke Rule 47b,

which stipulates
that any person may challenge

an existing rule through
the application of due process.

- You fool.

- Hey, Bill,
after Abby murders you,

can we have
your cell phone case?

We're still gonna want to make
fun of you when you're gone.

- You really want to do this?

- I do.

- Okay, Rosie, ring the bell.

We got a rule challenge.

[bell jingles, rings]

- Oh, that's
the "fact challenge" bell.

Rule challenge bell is bronze.
- Mm. Right.

Okay...

[mumbling] Hm, ehh, hm.

- It's kinda taking a while.
Can we talk

while she's down--
- No! Gotta wait.

[ringing]

all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- That's the, uh,
birthday bell.

- Yeah, I got that.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

we gotta regroup.

- Yeah, what are we gonna do
about this problem

mostly Dale started?

- This is our bar,
and Bill is trying to change

the soul of this place,
but we are not gonna let

Bill squash everything
we've built together.

Instead, we are going
to squash Bill.

- "Squash Bill" on three.
- You're overcompensating,

but I like it.
Let's do it. One, two, three.

all: Squash Bill!

- [mouthing words]

- Okay, the process
for changing a rule

is pretty simple.

- Ooh. That's actually P-R-O-C.

- I'm a product of the
spell-check generation, Bill.

Get off my ass.

But thank you.

- The rule change
must be brought

to a standing committee
of regulars,

which includes,
obviously, me, Beth,

Fred, James, Rosie,
and Skip.

- Skip always abstains.

Or falls asleep,
which counts as abstaining.

- Abby will make her case,
you will make your case,

during the entire process, we,
of course, will drink for free.

- No, you don't.
- We get three free drinks.

- No, you don't.
- We get one free drink.

- You get zero drinks.
- Thank you.

- Simple majority vote wins.
Think you can handle it?

- Okay. For my new friends
James and Dale, anything.

You know, I can be
very persuasive.

I was an alternate on
my high school debate team.

- What does that mean?

- It means that when Jenny Lee
got pink-eye,

ya boy placed
fourth in state.

♪ ♪

- Abby, I've got
a super simple way

to handle this Bill situation.

- All right, let's hear it.
- First,

we steal his credit card
and go shopping.

I buy this pair of boots
I've had my eyes on.

You can get whatever you want.
Not the boots.

Unless they look better on you,
which they probably will.

Next thing you know,
Bill's credit score plummets.

Then we begin Phase Two.

- How many phases are there?

- Nine.

- Okay, Fred.
Just hear me out.

Have you ever tried sliding
into a nice pair

of Birkenstocks
because that arch support alone

is life changing.

- Look, Bill,
I've got flat feet,

and I like 'em that way.

And even if I didn't,
I vote with Abby always.

- James, you've been playing
both sides,

and I know you want
to wear sandals.

But enough is enough, okay?
Tell me you're with me.

- I am with you.
- Great.

- Emotionally.
Voting wise, I'm with Bill.

- Come on, man.

I thought we were friends.

We drink together,
we play Clue together.

- I've turned on Clue.

It's a white person murder game

that never ends in jail time.
[scoffs]

- The only thing
we disagree on

is American musical theater.

I'm pro, she is con,
except for "Oklahoma!"

which you would have
to be dead not to like.

- You like musicals?
- Oh, yeah.

- Fred, did you know
that most jazz standards

are from musicals?

I mean, Pal Joey alone
has like--

- Bill. Really?

Don't do this.
Don't ruin musicals for me.

Also, why are you choosing
to die on this hill?

Men's feet?
They're disgusting.

I don't even look
at my own feet anymore, ever.

- What about when
you're in the shower?

- You want to ruin showers
for me too?

- James, how about
a little loyalty, huh?

- I'm sorry. I can't, Abby.

We live in California.

My feet want to drive
convertibles.

- Hey, Beth, uh, can I speak
to you for a moment?

- Ugh, I got two sips
of "chard" left. Be quick.

- Okay, I mean, we--we never
really had a chance

to have a good one-on-one
chat, have we?

- One sip left
in the chamber, pal.

- Okay, um, um,

how long have you lived
in this neighborhood?

- Uh, eight years
and there is no way

I'm voting against Abby.
- Okay, Beth.

Surely you believe
in equality, right?

I mean, it's--it's just
not fair that the women

at the bar get to wear sandals
and the men don't.

- Huh. You're right, Bill.

Women have had it too good
for too long.

Okay, look.

I was Abby's first
customer ever.

All right, she's not just
a bartender to me.

She's a friend, and she's
always been there for me.

Oh! [grumbles]

Except when it comes to
these Satan balls.

Why won't Abby deal with this?

I ask for so little.

- You do seem very easygoing.

- I am.

- Beth. Wait, wait, wait, Beth.
I own this property, okay?

So if you vote with me, I can
take care of your tree problem.

What do you say,
a little, uh,

"you scratch my back,
I scratch yours"?

- You touch my back, Bill,
I'll call the police.

- Whoa! What? No.
That's not--

- [laughs] I get it.
You're a back guy, okay?

But that's not for me, pal,
so keep cruising.

♪ ♪

- Well, Bill, I'm sorry,
but it's just not gonna happen.

The only person you have
is James,

so that makes the vote
four to one.

With Skip abstaining,
of course.

- [clears throat]

- Well, look at this.

Oh, no. No--he's going
for the sock!

No!
- Ah!

- No--ah!

Ack.
- Now, hold on a second.

That's a vote.
This counts as a vote.

Skip has voted for sandals.
Skip is with me.

- Doesn't matter.
I still win four to two.

Rule stays.
- Oh. All right.

- Wait.

I'm changing my vote.
I'm with Bill.

- Oh, Beth,
when Abby murders you,

can I have your Jacuzzi?

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

in our midst, traitor

we have a tie.

The tiebreaker,
as outlined in Rule 47c,

is a game of bocce ball.

- Hey, James,
does bocce ball require

any hand-eye coordination
because, uh,

I don't have that.

- I got you.

This is the closest
we got to a rule change

since George tried to change
the bar nut mix.

- Who's George?

- We don't talk about George.

- Beth, what the hell?
- I know.

But Bill said he would trim
your tree.

Also, get this.
He's into backs.

- Well, that is juicy,
but right now

we're talking about
how you're betraying me.

- This is not a betrayal.

Your husband having sex
with you and giving you twins,

that's a betrayal.

- Oh, so I guess it wouldn't
be a betrayal

if I just removed chardonnay
from Two for Tuesdays.

- Oh, well. Fine.
Do it.

- Fine.

- Actually, I was bluffing.
I want the wine!

I want Two on Tuesdays!

- All right, so bocce.
What's the deal here?

Is there a hole I'm supposed
to get these in or what?

- Dude, are you serious?
It's bocce.

I know they played this at
your country club growing up.

- How did you know
that I belonged

to a country club
growing up?

- Your body just looks
like it was raised

on poolside chicken tenders.

Now, just throw the ball,
and we'll do a practice round.

- Okay.

- Ju--Bill!

You're supposed to
just roll the ball

like 10 feet
down the court.

- Oh.

- I can't believe
this is happening.

When Bill first showed up,
you promised me

that I had nothing
to worry about.

That I could trust him
not to ruin the place.

Well, there he is,
ruining the place.

- Sarge, I think I know
what the problem is.

- Yeah, I just told you.

Bill's turning everyone
against me.

- No, he's not turning everyone
against you.

You're turning everyone
against you.

Here's the deal.
[clears throat]

You're kind of a, um, "my way
or the highway" type person,

and 95% of the time,
your way is great.

It got us this bar,
this place that we love.

- Yeah, "my way or the highway"
is also why no one gets hit on

by creepy dudes
in No Fear tank tops.

- Agreed.

But 5% of the time,

if you're not giving the people
what they need,

they're gonna start looking
for an onramp.

- What?

- To the "highway"
that's not "your way."

- Whoa, James "needs"
to expose his feet

and Beth "needs"
to ruin my yard?

- No, but they need to feel
that they're being listened to,

and that their feelings matter

even when they don't line up
exactly with yours.

They're your friends, right?

Sometimes you bend for friends.

- I guess that is a small
component of friendship.

But I mean, that doesn't excuse
Bill trying to stage a coup.

I mean, what could
that guy possible need?

- Well, let's think about it.

He's going through
a divorce, right?

- Yeah, although, he has
such a cool personality.

I can't imagine why.

- When I was going
through my divorce,

I felt like a loser.

I needed something, anything to
make me feel like a man again,

and I wanted it so bad--

one time, at my lowest,
I went to the bowling alley

and I spent 60 bucks
on one of those claw games,

until finally I pulled out
a Padres hat.

As sad as that sounds,
it actually helped.

- I thought your head was
too big to wear hats.

- It is.

If it doesn't have
a chin strap, it's game over.

Point is that the win--the win
made me feel good.

I don't think he's trying
to change this place.

I think he wants
to belong here.

The guy just needs a win.

- How do you even get
a bocce ball back here?

- I don't know!
Just help me get it out.

♪ ♪

[mellow music]

- You re- I mean..., Bill?

Sure, it's not going to be much
of a game though.

You're gonna crush me.
- Oh, I wouldn't be so sure.

Bocce's just as much luck
as it is skill.

It could be anybody's game.
- You think?

- Yeah, sure.
You could totally win this.

- Abby crushes Bill, 21 to 0.

[cheers and applause]

- Uh, did you not hear me?

Or did my story
about giving Bill a win

confuse you in some way?

- Oh, I got it, but I wasn't
gonna blow my bocce record.

I'm 81 and 0.

But don't worry.
He's got a win coming.

- Okay, Skip's shoe
isn't going back on.

Uh...

I say we just wrap his foot
in newspaper

and send him on his way.

- Okay, people,
I have an announcement.

James is no longer the
all-time leading bocce dunce.

- Wha--James, why did you
volunteer to coach me

if you're terrible at bocce?

- They say those
that can't do, teach.

- Is it possible
that you can't do or teach?

- That's possible, yeah.

- Because Bill scored
a whopping 0 points

he now claims the top spot.
- Hey.

[cheers and applause]

- Good job.
- Why are people clapping?

- This is huge.
It's been James

for two whole years.
- Quite a feat, Bill.

I've never heard of anybody
not scoring any points.

It's really difficult to do.

Phil one time brought
his toddler in here,

and the child scored
three points accidentally.

- Congratulations, Bill.
You have won the commemorative

Bocce Dunce Hat.
- Nice.

- Treat it with respect.

- You look like
a racist traffic cone.

- Okay.

- So, I'm sorry.

I probably shouldn't have
shut you down

so hard about the tree.

- Eh, it's okay.

I told Bill it was gonna cost
400 bucks

to get 'em trimmed,
but it'll be more like 250.

- You know, I could probably
just do it with my chainsaw.

Then you could keep
all of the money.

- Wha--oh.

[voice breaking]
You're gonna make me cry.

- Hey, bocce dunce.
Let me buy you a drink.

- Oh, no, thanks.
I've already had one,

so I'm pretty buzzed.

- Dude,
you're like 7 feet tall.

You could take one more.
Rosie, shots.

- Whoa, no, no, no.
That's okay, Rosie.

- Uh, it's tradition.
The dunce has to drink.

- And so do
the dunce's friends.

- [clicks tongue]
- Don't make it weird.

- Okay.

Hey.

- Oh.

- Listen, James, I'm really
sorry I couldn't make

that rule change happen.

- It's okay.
We're bonded now.

Part of the underground men's
sa

- [chuckles]

- Hey, James, so going forward,

on Two for Tuesdays,

you can wear your sandals.

- What about Dale?

- I don't want
to see Dale's feet.

- Yeah, me neither.

Two of his toes don't
even got nails.

♪ ♪