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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,040 Sting! 2 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,156 Sting, open up! It's Bieber! 3 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,235 Sting! Come on! Sting! 4 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,515 It's Bieber, bro! Open the door! 5 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,432 Oh, fudge! 6 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,633 You can't kill us all. 7 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,597 We will protect the Chosen One. 8 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,439 Uh-huh. 9 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:41,673 Peace out, world. 10 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:42,760 Peace out. 11 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,396 Valentina, he was pronounced dead 13 minutes ago. 12 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:06,833 I can't believe it. 13 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,593 Justin Bieber? 14 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,069 No. 15 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:15,158 The sixth pop star to die in the last year. 16 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,030 And all with that look. 17 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,909 As if they were trying to tell us something. 18 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,193 That look. 19 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,950 There's only one person on Earth 20 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,196 who would know how to interpret this look. 21 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,113 It's a dead end, Valentina. 22 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,077 No one has seen that man in years. 23 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:40,876 Then God help us all. 24 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,153 Shocking. Stupefying. 25 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,038 Something out of a Hollywood disaster movie. 26 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,590 Just a few of the ways New Yorkers described 27 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,399 what happened today as Derek Zoolander's 28 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,072 Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good 29 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,998 and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good, Too 30 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,680 literally collapsed into the East River 31 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,433 only two days after its official opening. 32 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,756 Students and teachers were evacuated. 33 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,959 And while Zoolander and his son, Derek Jr., were unharmed, 34 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,998 sadly, his wife, Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander, 35 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,798 has reportedly died. 36 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,318 I just feel lucky no one from my family was hurt! 37 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,757 She was crushed by the book? 38 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,360 A vigil is being held tonight 39 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,676 for the other chisel-cheeked lion of the modeling kingdom, 40 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,035 Hansel, who is reported to have sustained 41 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,998 permanent injury to his breathtaking face 42 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,833 after being trapped beneath a burning beam. 43 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,354 Although authorities are still investigating, 44 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,715 the cause of the disaster is believed to be 45 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,360 Zoolander's mind-boggling decision 46 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,431 to build the reading center 47 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,592 out of the actual materials that were used to construct 48 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,319 the original architectural model. 49 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,951 Clothing designer Jacob Moogberg, 50 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,991 AKA Jacobim Mugatu 51 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,753 was sentenced today to two consecutive life terms 52 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,593 in a maximum security fashion prison 53 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:17,716 for his role in the attempted assassination 54 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,358 of the Malaysian Prime Minister. 55 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,198 His co-conspirator, modeling agent 56 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,589 Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness... 57 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,513 I'll give you anything you want on that fakakta fink. 58 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,354 ...in exchange for relocation in the Witness Protection Program. 59 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:34,589 Back in the news tonight, former model, negligent builder, 60 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:37,399 now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander. 61 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,352 This footage was taken by a neighbor 62 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,034 across from Zoolander's SoHo loft. 63 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,833 D.J., how did Mommy make it soft? 64 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:47,952 The Child Protection Agency 65 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,110 removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr. 66 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,350 late last night in a daring midnight raid 67 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,795 placing him in the custody of the state. 68 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:57,760 Which is why it pains me to say 69 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,752 that effective immediately, I will retire from modeling 70 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,750 and live alone as a hermit crab. 71 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,477 I will now be anonymous and known only as... 72 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,355 Eric... 73 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:12,309 Toolander. 74 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,554 And finally tonight, 75 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,676 here's something to make you feel old. 76 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:19,239 Incredible as it may sound, 77 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:23,154 of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year 78 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,630 less than 2% could tell you what a fax machine is, 79 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,676 name a Caucasian President, 80 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,678 or know who Derek Zoolander was. 81 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,673 Was... Was... Was... 82 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,918 Go away. 83 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,676 Derek! Open up, it's me. 84 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,751 I'm sorry, traveler, you must have lost your way. 85 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,671 No one lives here by that name. 86 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,228 Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric. 87 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,639 I've got your mail. 88 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:41,070 Billy Zane. It's been years. 89 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:44,035 Where's my regular mailperson, Ingvar? 90 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,508 He couldn't make it. 91 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:48,068 I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop by. 92 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:50,793 Got your Netflix. 93 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,112 Whoa, Jack Ryan... 94 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,279 ...and Jack Reacher. 95 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,271 Tonight's gonna be a total Jack-off. 96 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,078 You have something else here. 97 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:04,800 What is it? 98 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,473 Open it. 99 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,758 Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder. 100 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,311 Are you a Boxtroll? 101 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,392 That's Alexanya Atoz, 102 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:32,074 owner of the largest fashion empire in the world. 103 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:37,154 Because you are one of the world's true fishion icons, 104 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:42,474 I have personal selected you to come to Rome... 105 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,674 The Eturnanal Cyootee... 106 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,513 To muddel my nyouest colleeauction 107 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,592 by my hoottest now designer... 108 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,395 Doon Atari. 109 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,274 Who? 110 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,032 Don Atari. 111 00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,758 He's "it" in fashion right now. 112 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,592 People would die to be in his show. 113 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,399 I can't. 114 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,751 I'm a hermit crab now. 115 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,473 Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder. 116 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:08,959 I already told you! 117 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,031 It's like you're not even listening to me! 118 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,157 Derek, uh... 119 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:20,953 Eric. 120 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:25,229 Maybe it's time to engage with the world again. 121 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,275 Think about it, man. This could be a sign. 122 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,874 And what if it's a stop sign, Billy? 123 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,393 I used to be a successful model/fashion icon. 124 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,914 Now, I'm just a model/failure. 125 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:43,156 Slash-guy who is still a model/father. 126 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,312 Slash-guy who killed his wife 127 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,073 using cheap building materials that collapsed on her. 128 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:53,317 Slash-guy who has got to stop beating himself up about that! 129 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,836 Slash-guy who couldn't make spaghetti soft 130 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:56,989 so they took away his son, 131 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,548 so-slash-now he's alone and hiding from the world. 132 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,349 Slash. 133 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,914 Slash-have you ever even tried to get your son back? 134 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,679 You can do that? 135 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,830 Yeah. You'd hire a litigator, 136 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:16,400 he files the appropriate paperwork... 137 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,510 But I don't even know where he is. 138 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,433 First things first. 139 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,950 If you take this job that Alexanya's offering you, 140 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,672 you could prove to Child Services 141 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,513 that you're a productive member of society again. 142 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:32,789 Go to Rome. 143 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:35,479 Find yourself. 144 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,033 Become the father you were meant to be 145 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,075 and get your boy back. 146 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,118 Safe journey, my friend! 147 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,473 Thanks, Billy! 148 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,479 What have you got? 149 00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:00,912 Ball and chain not happy. 150 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,073 Sorry I'm late! 151 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,309 Oh, my gosh. 152 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,632 I was finishing up Shavasana 153 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,553 and this sandstorm kicked up out of nowhere. 154 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,353 I'm okay, though. 155 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,716 Ah, Natalka, you look beautiful. 156 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:25,709 Really? 157 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,719 Yes, really. 158 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,312 Dinner is ruined! 159 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,915 Guys, I told you not to wait for me, didn't I? 160 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,598 Remember, we talked about this. 161 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,952 Can't we just take it slow? 162 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:40,434 When I met you guys two years ago, 163 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,795 it was the best orgy of my life. 164 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,436 Let's get back to that feeling. 165 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:46,589 It's there. 166 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:49,959 Hansel. 167 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,633 Every relationship has to evolve. 168 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,312 And somehow, you've managed to stay the same. 169 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,834 But you're gonna have to change, my man. 170 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,751 'Cause change, she is a-comin'. 171 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:05,595 What? 172 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:14,793 Natalka. 173 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,153 All of you? 174 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,791 How is this even possible? 175 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,792 We thought you'd be happy. 176 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,470 Well, I am happy. 177 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:35,919 That, uh... 178 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,470 It's just a lot to process, and that's what I'm doing. 179 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,189 To be honest, 180 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,748 I've never seen myself in this role, you know, as a... 181 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,433 You mean a father? 182 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,308 Well... Uh... I... 183 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:50,880 Let me... I want to check on... 184 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,592 On the camel here! 185 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,518 Who am I? 186 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,272 Who am I? 187 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,239 Hey, Hansel! 188 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,119 Billy Zane? 189 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,633 Got your Netflix. 190 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,279 And this. 191 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,112 - Thanks very much. - No, it's my bag. 192 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,320 Excuse me, I think that's... 193 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,590 No, trust me, this is my bag. 194 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,035 - Just look at the ticket right here. - Hansel. 195 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,712 Never heard of him, honcho. 196 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,360 Look right here at the ticket and you can see that... 197 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,991 Derek Zoolander. 198 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,953 Hi. It's been a long time. 199 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,556 Yeah. Not long enough. 200 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,877 Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I should peace. 201 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:11,712 Wait a minute! 202 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,074 We haven't seen each other since... 203 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,349 Since the building you designed 204 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,192 fell on my face and ruined my career? 205 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,793 Yeah, it's been a while. 206 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,837 It was an accident. I didn't mean to... 207 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:23,071 You didn't mean to build the support beams out of popsicle sticks 208 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,116 and highly-flammable rubber cement? 209 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,480 That was just a little accident? 210 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:27,560 Yeah. 211 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,869 This is it. Forever. 212 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,468 Because I promise you, 213 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,836 this is the last time we will ever see each other. 214 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:37,478 Right here, this moment. 215 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,716 Good-bye forever. 216 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:41,752 Works for me. 217 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,840 Hope you're not an epiplectic, 218 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,478 because we're about to get blinded. 219 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,113 Yep. Here we go. 220 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,797 Susan Boyle, right here! 221 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,838 Take a picture of that! 222 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,279 Vultures! 223 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,115 I guess with my beard and your disgusting face, 224 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,519 they don't know who we are. 225 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,272 Derek! Hansel! 226 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,633 Hey, boys. I'm Vip. 227 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,038 - Vip? - Yeah. 228 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:24,270 I'm in charge of social media for Don Atari. 229 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,078 I've been working for him since I was 10. 230 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,513 How old are you now? 231 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:28,920 Eleven. 232 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,188 Should we go to the hotel? 233 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,230 Pretty strange, you and I both getting called back 234 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,231 to the big stage like this. 235 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,637 A gig's a gig. I'm just doing this to get my son back. 236 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,755 Explain how doing a fashion show's gonna accomplish that. 237 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,877 Simple. Child Services hears I'm working again, 238 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,310 KKK, a responsible parent, 239 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,118 and they give me my son back. 240 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,031 Responsible parent? 241 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:07,874 What? You don't think I could be one? 242 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,793 No, it just brings up some junk from the past. 243 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:11,915 I didn't have a father. 244 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,956 It's kind of my big issue right now. 245 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,556 - You didn't have a father? - Nah. 246 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:20,155 All my mom ever told me was my dad was a beat cop. 247 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,829 Always on the road. 248 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,515 The road away from little Hansel. 249 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,351 Valentina. You're going to want to see this. 250 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,314 Check out Mr. Disco Barry Gibb. 251 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,392 Zoolander is in Rome? 252 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,231 Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca. 253 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,072 The entire hotel is biodegradable 254 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,878 and made from reclaimed human waste. 255 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,520 This is the ultra-exclusive, fully-toxic, 256 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:13,919 Zero-Footprint Suite. 257 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,431 The masseuses at the spa are all homeless. 258 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,193 And the hotel has complimentary farm-to-table Wi-Fi. 259 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,279 Wait... We're rooming together? 260 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,440 Mmm-hmm. 261 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,357 There must be some mistake. 262 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,589 I'll call Billy Zane. 263 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:26,715 Good idea. 264 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,910 Look, tiny phone! That is so retro. 265 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,760 I'm gonna take a picture of it with my phone. 266 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,440 This is Billy Zane. I'm not here right... 267 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,074 Well, Don Atari is waiting for you down in the lobby. 268 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,668 Oh, and don't drink the water or you'll die. 269 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,119 I just have one question. 270 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,235 Yeah? 271 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,113 What in the world is farm-to-table Wi-Fi? 272 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,509 You're asking me? 273 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,875 Muchacho, I have no idea. 274 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,552 - For serious? - No! 275 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,790 Because when Vip said that, you had this look on your face, like, 276 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,640 "I totally know what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!" 277 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,035 I was acting cool 'cause I thought you knew. 278 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,473 I thought you knew! 279 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,916 No, I just didn't want Vip to think I was uncool! 280 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,635 I miss not knowing things with you. 281 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,711 Yeah. Me, too. 282 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,392 Why didn't we do this sooner? 283 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:16,960 Because we've both been in hiding 284 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,035 since the day I killed my wife 285 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,473 and permanently disfigured you. 286 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,591 Oh, yeah, that's probably it. 287 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,517 That was the day I lost the fire. 288 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:26,953 The fire? 289 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,351 The fire in my face. 290 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,039 It's kind of my big issue right now. 291 00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:36,032 You still got it, D-Zone. You're Derek Zoolander. 292 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,192 You stopped a Chinese throwing star in mid-air with a look. 293 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:43,594 I was there. 294 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,633 That's not me anymore. 295 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:47,994 Yes, it is. 296 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,753 Hey, flash me that beautiful look. 297 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,071 Give me that incredible Magnum. 298 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,160 No! 299 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,154 Think fast. Magnum. 300 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,389 Wait, no! 301 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:58,629 Magnum! Now! 302 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,592 Oh! 303 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,797 Come on! You got this, but you got to focus! 304 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,392 - Come on! - Hansel, stop! 305 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,232 You got this! Yeah! 306 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:09,912 Maybe we could try a wash cloth? 307 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,672 - Tequila! - Hansel, no! 308 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,349 No! It's not working! 309 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,718 Ah, you're right. 310 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,636 What happened to us? 311 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,630 You mean me. 312 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,279 You still have it. 313 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:32,679 No, I don't. 314 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,228 Look at this face. It's a horror show. 315 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,792 Come on, Hansel. It can't be that bad. 316 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,233 It is. 317 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,398 - Take off your mask. - No. 318 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:47,635 No way. 319 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,234 No one's ever seen me without this mask. 320 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,720 And no one ever will. 321 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,071 I think I know the real you. 322 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,234 And it has nothing to do with the way you look. 323 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,513 You mean that? 324 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,113 Of course, I do. 325 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:03,509 Okay. 326 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:08,993 No! 327 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,638 It's disgusting! Put it back! 328 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,676 I was wrong, please, put the mask back on! It's so gross! 329 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,041 I can't be friends with you if you look like that! Please! 330 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:17,680 It is so disgusting! Please, put it back! 331 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,432 Please, Hansel, put it back, I was wrong! 332 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,909 No. This feels good. 333 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:23,799 Could you please put the mask back on 334 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,438 so I can concentrate on what you're saying? 335 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,909 No! I'm done hiding. 336 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,477 Look, there's only one way for us to find ourselves. 337 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:32,749 Know what that is? 338 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,800 Look inward and connect with our authentic truth? 339 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,475 No. I was gonna say become the two biggest, 340 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,232 hottest models in the world again. 341 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:41,435 Okay. 342 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,114 Okay. So what say we get you cleaned up, 343 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,838 shave that billy goat beard, 344 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,708 go downstairs and show these punks what real fashion looks like? 345 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,954 Oh, my God. Yes, dude! 346 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:35,635 Yes! You guys look so lame. I love it, dude. 347 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,438 You ninjas dressed up all old-school just to meet me. 348 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,560 So Jedi. 349 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,193 You guys suck. Both of you guys suck. 350 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:41,713 You look great. 351 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,508 Thanks. 352 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,791 I'm Don Atari. What up? 353 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:47,994 What up, Hansel? 354 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,116 Yeah. That's sick. 355 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,636 Wait a minute. "I'll call Billy...". 356 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,393 I just said that! 357 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,956 I know. Like, 15 minutes ago, right? 358 00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:58,720 Vip told me, so I made these retro shirts 359 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,512 with your old catchphrase on it. 360 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:02,509 Cool. 361 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,119 Hey, let me introduce my collective, dude. 362 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:05,633 They're all losers, I hate these guys. 363 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,711 We got TRS-80, KITT... 364 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,832 Rubik, my man Gleek. 365 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,032 Eh, this guy gives the best shitty tattoos ever. 366 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,190 He's a genius. His tattoos are so stupid. 367 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,918 He's the one who did my Colonel Sanders. 368 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:18,149 Look at that, pretty epic, huh? 369 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,639 It sucks, I don't like it, dude. 370 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,269 Why would I do this to myself? I never wanted this on me. 371 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,360 I love it, dude. I got it when my grandfather died. 372 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,115 That's really cool. 373 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,952 So, uh, what's the deal with the show? 374 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,954 Yeah, where do you want us to fire up this chainsaw? 375 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,396 Colosseum? Trevi Fountain? Spanish Steps? 376 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:37,794 What? No way, dude. 377 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,677 Those places are gnar-gnar bo-bo. 378 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,150 We're holding it in an abandoned medical waste facility 379 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,151 on top of an industrial trash heap. 380 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,390 It's totally toxic, but super chill. 381 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,472 Cool! Sounds dope. 382 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:49,629 Yeah, fresh. 383 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,153 Oh, what? 384 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,754 You guys are like, "Sounds dope!" "Fresh!" 385 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,870 They're doing the voices and everything! 386 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,349 I didn't think you guys would do the voices. That's sick! 387 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,749 "Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!" 388 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,473 I don't like you guys. It's an honor to have you. 389 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,109 Hey, retreads! 390 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,472 I want to introduce you all to my muse 391 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,240 and basically, like, the biggest supermodel 392 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:28,793 in the whole world right now, dude. 393 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,399 This is All. 394 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,394 All what? 395 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:33,833 We are All. 396 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:38,195 So, are you like a male model or a female model? 397 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,073 All is not defined by binary constructs. 398 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,989 That's cool. I don't like labels, either. 399 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,878 But I think he's asking, do you have a hot dog or a bun? 400 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,478 Do you have a wiener or vergiener? 401 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:54,073 All is all to all. 402 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,913 By the way, All just married hermself, dude. 403 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,911 Monomarriage is finally legal in Italy. 404 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,833 I support that. 405 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:04,592 Derek, that's pretty good, right? 406 00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,076 Uh, I'm sorry, are you not comfortable 407 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,160 with people like All in the workplace or something? 408 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,237 No. Of course, I am. 409 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,151 I mean, like, if your son or whatever came to you and said, 410 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,800 "Hey, Dad, I really want to marry All," 411 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,353 like, wouldn't you be so stoked for that? 412 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,271 Isn't that, like, exactly what you want? 413 00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:23,112 Imagine All walking in, being like, 414 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,952 "We'll finally be together." 415 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,315 You'd be like hella stoked for that, right? 416 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,189 Yeah. 417 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,551 I'd be, like, totally stoked. 418 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:34,591 All is done here. Atari. 419 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,519 See you, fools. 420 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,319 Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here! 421 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:40,833 The show must begin now! 422 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,799 Wow. Alexanya Atoz. 423 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,872 They say she doesn't walk. She just floats. 424 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:54,157 She looks even better in person. 425 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,594 Ah, I got those juices flowing again. 426 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,832 Just put us out there. Let us do our thing. 427 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:17,989 Come on! Come on! 428 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,358 Chop, chop! Lay down, lay down! 429 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,795 Get in, get in. Take off your robes. 430 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,112 Go! Go! Go! 431 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:32,549 Derek! I have a really good feeling about this. 432 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,269 I know. I feel so alive! 433 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,233 Oh! 434 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,028 "Old"? 435 00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,353 "Lamé"? 436 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,271 Ha! Yah! 437 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:14,635 Quit it, All! 438 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,439 Hot dog! It's definitely a hot dog! 439 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:19,955 All is done. 440 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:29,715 "Prunes"? 441 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,431 So let me tell you what I think worked. 442 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,080 I think we got to shake off some of the rust. 443 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:53,388 I was trying out a few new looks, 444 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:54,708 although it might have been hard to see 445 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,360 through all the dates, or, was it, you know, prunes? 446 00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,396 Hansel, are you insane? 447 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:00,959 We were a joke out there. 448 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:02,309 A total laughing stick. 449 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,872 What do you want me to say? I mean, I know... 450 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,188 I know we looked like idiots, 451 00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:07,554 but I'm trying to make the best of it! 452 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:08,715 Knuck, knuck! 453 00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:09,994 Not now! We... 454 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:15,713 You... 455 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:17,473 ...two... 456 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,517 ...vere amowzing. 457 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:21,915 Deeryuck. 458 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,673 Your fece so hundsome. 459 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,194 Und, Hansel, so stemmy. 460 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:31,837 Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot. 461 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,640 I'm sorry. I can't understand a word that you're saying. 462 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,278 I want to invite you to be my gyuests 463 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:43,478 at the most elite fishion event in housetory. 464 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:46,312 The IncrediBall. 465 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,479 Oh, what! 466 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,519 The IncrediBall? 467 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:52,033 Is that like the Met Ball? 468 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,073 No, sveet, stupid Deryuck. 469 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:02,594 For the first time in the housetory of fishion, 470 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,229 all of the most important designers will come together 471 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,151 under one rureff. 472 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,839 I trust you will be dere 473 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:15,909 with your hyot and stemmy feces. 474 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,436 Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What! 475 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,880 You're guys are gonna be the center-pizzle of IncrediBall! 476 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,075 What does that mean? 477 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,279 The center-pizzle of IncrediBall. 478 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,071 That was bananas, Johnny. 479 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:40,149 I'm done. 480 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,276 What? Derek, what are you talking about? 481 00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:43,549 Did you not hear what they just said? 482 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,551 We're going to be the center of the IncrediBall. 483 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,598 I can only pray that nobody from Child Services attended the show 484 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,591 or I'll never get little Derek back. 485 00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:52,109 What about all the attention? 486 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,111 This is exactly what we were talking about! 487 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,473 No, Hansel. It's exactly what you were talking about. 488 00:30:57,840 --> 00:30:59,114 We don't fit in anymore. 489 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,749 Don Atari and All and that creepy little Vip! 490 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:04,438 - I don't want any part of it! - Derek. 491 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:06,509 Derek! 492 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,515 Derek! D-rock! 493 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:36,312 Derek Zoolander? 494 00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:37,549 Yes. 495 00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:39,878 Valentina Valencia. 496 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,309 Interpol, Global Fashion Division. 497 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,710 Fashion Police? We're clean, lady. Go harass somebody else. 498 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,310 Besides, I'm out of fashion. 499 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:50,154 I need to talk to you. 500 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,230 It has to do with the death of Justin Bieber. 501 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:55,151 His death is not my problem. 502 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:58,994 Look, I'm trying to find out who's killing the pop stars of the world. 503 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,150 And I think you're my only chance. 504 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:05,231 What part of "not my problem" did you not understand? 505 00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:06,360 None of it. 506 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,269 So you did understand the part about it not being my problem, 507 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:14,670 or you didn't understand any part of it not being a part of my problem? 508 00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:16,988 No, no, no, Derek. 509 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,634 I think what she's saying is that she understands what you're saying, 510 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:20,869 but she doesn't accept it. 511 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,036 Hansel! It's all too confusing. 512 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:25,711 I thought coming here would help me find myself, 513 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:27,597 and possibly my son. 514 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:29,796 But this is more than I bargained for. 515 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:34,476 This hermit crab is crawling back into his planetarium. 516 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:40,034 I can use the database at Interpol to help you find your son. 517 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,358 If you help me. 518 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,312 I think we got to play ball with her. 519 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:49,992 She's got some kind of database 520 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:51,991 or something that she says 521 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:53,752 will help us find little Derek. 522 00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:58,954 And she's hot. 523 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:00,195 I trust her. 524 00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,239 So, before Bieber died, he Twitpic'd this look. 525 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:34,832 He posted it to the blogspot for his summer concert tour. 526 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:37,591 He was trying to send a message. 527 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:42,231 It's Blue Steel, right? 528 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:45,876 What are you, a fucking idiot? 529 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,274 Yeah, that's Blue Steel. 530 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,280 My question is, is Interpol one of those socialist things 531 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,590 where they hire mentally-impaired people? 532 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:57,597 I... I know. 533 00:33:58,280 --> 00:33:59,429 That's right. 534 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,078 I heard your mother worked here. 535 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:03,792 Oh, snap! 536 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:08,192 My mother doesn't work here. 537 00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:11,512 No more games, okay? 538 00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:13,591 Is this Blue Steel or not? 539 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:15,313 Not even close. 540 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:17,677 I knew what it was the moment I saw it. 541 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:19,553 It's an old one... From the 90s. 542 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,676 It was for a body lotion campaign I did. 543 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:23,792 I called it "Aqua Vitae". 544 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:06,678 Young forever. 545 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,350 Moo! 546 00:35:14,720 --> 00:35:16,358 Still holds up. 547 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:19,156 Notice the curvature of my right eyebrow. 548 00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:20,958 It's night and day from Blue Steel. 549 00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:22,675 He's right. 550 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,594 When I overlay them, there are over 14,000 different facial anomalies. 551 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:28,029 Wow. 552 00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:31,351 I had no idea there was so much subtlety involved. 553 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,555 Please accept my apologies, Derek. 554 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:37,353 None taken. 555 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:47,872 Whoa! 556 00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,238 Filippo, we need to find everything there is on Aqua Vitae. 557 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,794 Hold on a second, lady. A deal's a deal. 558 00:35:58,000 --> 00:35:59,831 Now, you help me find my son. 559 00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:01,313 Sure. 560 00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:03,231 His name is Derek Jr.? 561 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:04,320 Yes. 562 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:06,231 Have you ever Facebooked him? 563 00:36:06,720 --> 00:36:09,359 No, thanks. Matilda facebooked... 564 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:11,359 ...and it killed her. 565 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:13,040 Found him. 566 00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:15,873 He's at the Orphanage Del Piccolo Cletusi. 567 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:18,833 Here. 568 00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:19,920 In Rome. 569 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:21,874 Wait. What? 570 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:23,875 He's in Rome. 571 00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:27,111 That's convenient. So we can hit that party at the IncrediBall. 572 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:29,830 A little too convenient. 573 00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:32,830 Someone wants you here, guys. 574 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:33,960 But who? 575 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:35,960 Listen to me. 576 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:37,838 Be careful at the orphanage. 577 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:39,990 And trust no one at House of Atoz. 578 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:42,432 I'll see what I can find. 579 00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,712 Thanks for coming with me. I feel kind of nervous. 580 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:16,758 Hey. You're showing up. Feel good. 581 00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:31,355 That must be him. 582 00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:32,509 Where? 583 00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:41,800 He's even more gorgeous than I imagined. 584 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:45,511 You're a lucky man. 585 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:48,193 You there. Boy. 586 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:52,431 - What's his name? - Who? 587 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:54,280 Him? 588 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,192 That's Fabrizio. 589 00:37:57,560 --> 00:37:58,913 Fabrizio. 590 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:01,398 What a beautiful name. 591 00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,355 He used to be called Derek Jr. 592 00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,360 Really? That's strange, 'cause that's my name. 593 00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:18,759 Bye, mister. 594 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:21,234 - Let's go. - What? 595 00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:22,793 - Let's go. - Why? 596 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:24,029 I can't do this. 597 00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:25,235 Why not? 598 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:28,392 He's fat! The fat one is Derek Jr. 599 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:31,155 No, that chubby kid's name is Fatlander. 600 00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:32,389 I heard them call him that. 601 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,789 Don't you get it? He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat". 602 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,872 That's how he came up with "Fatlander". Fat equals Zoo! 603 00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:41,198 So wait. You're saying that just because your son is fat 604 00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:43,669 that makes him some sort of terrible person? 605 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:46,073 Maybe you're right. 606 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:47,275 No, I'm asking. 607 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:50,158 Does being fat make someone a terrible person? 608 00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:51,280 And I'm agreeing with you. 609 00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:54,716 I seriously think my fat son might be a terrible person. 610 00:38:58,240 --> 00:39:00,071 And it doesn't make him a good person, I know that. 611 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:01,320 But I don't know what to say. 612 00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:03,436 I think you better puddle-talk it out. 613 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:18,635 So I guess I have a lot to ponder. 614 00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:21,398 You sure do. 615 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:23,835 Derek. 616 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,197 What? Who's that? 617 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:27,554 I don't know. It wasn't me. 618 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:29,833 Derek. 619 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:31,957 Derek. 620 00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:35,633 Ghost of Matilda? Is that really you? 621 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,313 Yes, Derek. 622 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:41,837 I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, but I've just been so dead. 623 00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:43,320 Listen. 624 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:45,916 You must love our son. 625 00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:47,952 He needs you. 626 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:51,119 But beware of the Headmaster. 627 00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:53,393 What's happening to you? 628 00:39:53,720 --> 00:39:55,551 Love our son. 629 00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:59,152 - Ew! - And beware the Headmaster. 630 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:01,914 Hello. 631 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:04,559 I'm the Headmaster. 632 00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:07,191 Derek Zoolander... 633 00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:09,233 ...I'm assuming. 634 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:11,993 Because I've never met you ever. 635 00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:16,230 Mr. Hansel informs me that you'd like to see your son. 636 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:19,070 Easily arranged. Come. 637 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:27,189 I should tell you, your son is incredibly gifted. 638 00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:29,438 Hello. 639 00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:32,353 If you want to find the Spirits in the Material World, 640 00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:35,557 you need to talk to the Ghost in the Machine. 641 00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:37,153 What? Who is this? 642 00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:39,356 I have a Message in a Bottle for you, 643 00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:42,238 so don't go to The Police. 644 00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:46,879 Okay, don't go to the police 'cause there's a message in a bottle. 645 00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:48,951 Okay, I got it. 646 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:51,914 Now go prank call someone else, idiot. 647 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:53,873 Here they are now. 648 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,071 Hey, there, sport. 649 00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:05,629 I hear someone's a fat little smartypants. 650 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:10,998 I'll leave you to it, then. 651 00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:13,108 I'm gonna let you two catch up 652 00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:15,071 and maybe hit the spa back at the Caca. 653 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:20,952 Look, I know you have a lot of unresolved feelings, 654 00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:22,433 but I'm still your father. 655 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,633 You're not my father. You weren't there. 656 00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:29,190 That wasn't my choice. I was there when you were little. 657 00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:31,794 Most kids play catch with their father. 658 00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,800 They don't go with them to a thong shoot. 659 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,120 There are lots of starving children in Africa 660 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,350 who would die to go to a thong shoot. 661 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:40,760 What? 662 00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:43,198 Look, let me make it up to you. 663 00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:44,952 Let's go play ball-catching now. 664 00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:46,508 Ball-catching? 665 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,875 So how's the family reunion going? 666 00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:51,357 Great. I'd like to check him out 667 00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:53,158 for a few hours, if that's okay. 668 00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:56,431 Sure. As long as he's back by sundown. 669 00:41:57,760 --> 00:41:59,432 He seems like a nice guy. 670 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:01,472 You seem like an idiot. 671 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:04,994 Okay, I think I know what would help right now. 672 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,440 What? 673 00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:09,789 Frozen chocolata gelato! 674 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:23,189 Ciao! 675 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:39,877 Oh, my God! 676 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:52,471 Hashtag, oops. 677 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:58,948 You know, sometimes it takes an extremely traumatic experience 678 00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:01,270 to make you appreciate a good makeover. 679 00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:02,759 Am I right? 680 00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:05,634 Derek? 681 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:09,638 Derek Jr.! 682 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,389 - Are you mentally insane? - What? 683 00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:21,631 What are you reading? I Am Malalalala? 684 00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,076 No books! Think of your mother. 685 00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:28,040 What's the big deal? Mom read tons of books. 686 00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:30,715 And a one-ton book killed her. 687 00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:34,114 The book didn't kill Mom. You did. 688 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,356 And you nearly killed me, too. 689 00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:40,510 Come on. Look at us. We look ridiculous. 690 00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:43,155 What, okay, maybe your pants are a little loose. 691 00:43:43,240 --> 00:43:45,071 - Are you serious right now? - What? 692 00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:48,153 I don't want to be anything like you! 693 00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:49,355 You're a has-been! 694 00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,673 And you are the most narcissistic, 695 00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,473 self-involved person I've ever met! 696 00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,471 But that's not how I think of me. 697 00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:00,639 I'm going back to school. 698 00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:03,956 Little Derek, come back here! 699 00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:06,235 I thought we were gonna give each other facials! 700 00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:13,760 Wait. 701 00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:16,718 How did you learn to speak Italian? 702 00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,068 Because I'm smart! 703 00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:21,197 Mom was smart, too. 704 00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:23,396 The only stupid thing she ever did 705 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:25,072 was fall in love with you. 706 00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:30,036 I don't even have the words to express what a burn that is. 707 00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:33,756 I don't know what to say. 708 00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:37,477 No, I mean I literally don't have the vocabulary to respond. 709 00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:40,109 You're like a walking Tyrannosaurus. 710 00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:43,235 You mean "walking thesaurus". 711 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:45,799 I don't know. 712 00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:50,116 I guess it's nice that you want to reconnect or whatever. 713 00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:51,679 But we're too different. 714 00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:53,193 And it's too late. 715 00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:56,552 Thanks for the gelato. 716 00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:16,319 Orgy. 717 00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:21,150 Hi there, Hansel. 718 00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:30,828 I heard you 719 00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:32,839 are on the rebound. 720 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,593 No, no. I'm still... Still committed. 721 00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:38,194 We're just taking a little time to kind of... 722 00:45:38,720 --> 00:45:41,712 Doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other's bodies. 723 00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,037 Oh, damn it. 724 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:46,319 Hansel. 725 00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:50,835 Meaningless sex always makes me feel better about myself. 726 00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:55,872 Come on. 727 00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:03,159 Ooh. 728 00:46:19,240 --> 00:46:20,389 Hansel! 729 00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:22,989 We know you're in there! 730 00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:24,149 Stay here. Stay here. 731 00:46:25,320 --> 00:46:27,880 Hansel, let us in! We want to apologize! 732 00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,235 Come back to the pigpile, Hansel. 733 00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:34,790 Touch-a, touch-a, touch me. I want to be dirty. 734 00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:36,950 That's it. I've had enough. Everybody, back up. 735 00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:39,031 Back! Back! 736 00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:44,713 Hello! Hello! 737 00:46:44,800 --> 00:46:45,800 Ah. 738 00:46:46,040 --> 00:46:47,268 My gosh. 739 00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:49,351 God... Ow! 740 00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:02,509 Oh, Hansel. 741 00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:05,149 Okay. You guys have a talk. I'm going to a bar. 742 00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:07,117 That's a good idea. Yeah, go. 743 00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:08,394 Hey... 744 00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:10,477 You are a basic bitch. 745 00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:14,392 Come on, let's go. Come on. Out. 746 00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:16,153 I can kill you. 747 00:47:18,640 --> 00:47:20,756 Please. Let me just explain. 748 00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:23,752 Guys, you didn't even give me a chance to explain! 749 00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:26,839 Hansel, how can you expect to love 11 people 750 00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,556 when you don't even love yourself? 751 00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:34,951 I hope they were worth it. 752 00:47:36,360 --> 00:47:37,759 That's not fair. 753 00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:39,268 Kiefer! 754 00:47:39,840 --> 00:47:41,193 Kiefer! 755 00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:48,117 Hey, where did everybody go? I wasn't done with that hippo. 756 00:47:53,720 --> 00:47:56,029 Who am I? 757 00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:00,119 Who am I? 758 00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:05,196 - Derek? - Hey, Hansel. 759 00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:07,430 Are you trying to figure out who you are, also? 760 00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:08,589 Yep. 761 00:48:09,480 --> 00:48:12,836 ♪ Who am I? ♪ 762 00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:15,799 Hey, Katy! 763 00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:19,709 Yeah, it's like, when will we find out who we really are? 764 00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:21,155 I know, right? 765 00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,759 Who am I? 766 00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:25,436 Neil deGrasse Tyson. 767 00:48:25,520 --> 00:48:27,078 Even you don't know who you are? 768 00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:29,596 In an ever-expanding universe, 769 00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:33,036 slowly pulling itself apart into nothingness, 770 00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:37,996 what use does the question "Who am I?" even have? 771 00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:43,119 Neil, I got to say, you're totally blowing my mind right now. 772 00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:45,159 That's what I do. 773 00:48:45,240 --> 00:48:48,038 I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch. 774 00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:49,480 Whoo! 775 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,991 Hansel! Derek! You have to come to Interpol! 776 00:48:53,120 --> 00:48:54,792 I have incredible news! 777 00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:58,193 We did a full diagnostic on your Aqua Vitae look, 778 00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:00,635 and a linguistics analysis on its etymology. 779 00:49:01,120 --> 00:49:03,554 The direct translation is "Water of Life." 780 00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:06,279 But many have interpreted it another way. 781 00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:09,876 "The Fountain of Youth". 782 00:49:10,680 --> 00:49:13,035 Okay, look, I only worked there for a summer. 783 00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:15,714 And, no, they don't give happy endings. 784 00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:18,838 No, Derek. The actual Fountain of Youth. 785 00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:25,276 Can you imagine if the Fountain of Youth indeed does exist... 786 00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:29,715 And if Alexanya Atoz could market such a liquid... 787 00:49:30,560 --> 00:49:32,357 Do you ever get that feeling 788 00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:36,194 when you see beautiful teenager girl with perfect skin 789 00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:39,590 and you want to kill her and take her skin 790 00:49:39,720 --> 00:49:41,597 and put it on your skin? 791 00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:43,511 We bottled that feeling. 792 00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:46,239 House of Atoz Yowth Milk. 793 00:49:47,240 --> 00:49:48,912 ...she would make billions. 794 00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:51,989 Excuse me. 795 00:49:54,320 --> 00:49:55,320 Orgy? 796 00:49:55,400 --> 00:49:57,080 You are in serious danger. 797 00:49:57,880 --> 00:49:59,996 Don't Stand So Close To Me. 798 00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:02,270 Come on. It's this prank caller again. 799 00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:03,839 - Put it on speaker. - What... Why? 800 00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:05,592 Just put it on speaker! 801 00:50:06,120 --> 00:50:07,314 Who is this? 802 00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:09,516 I am your King of Pain. 803 00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:13,435 Every breath this guy takes, I'm like, "What are you talking about?" 804 00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:15,000 Oh, Jesus. 805 00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:17,753 Just meet me at Saint Peter's Basilica at midnight. 806 00:50:20,040 --> 00:50:21,837 Sounds like this guy's really into Sting. 807 00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:24,917 I model my life after Sting. 808 00:50:25,400 --> 00:50:27,994 And Bieber was killed in front of Sting's villa. 809 00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:30,269 What? 810 00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:16,589 Forgive me, Father. 811 00:51:16,680 --> 00:51:18,796 I have many sins that I would like to confess. 812 00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:22,997 One of my sins has to do with the death of Justin Bieber. 813 00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:33,394 No way. 814 00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:35,829 Hey, Derek. 815 00:51:36,320 --> 00:51:37,435 Hey, Sting. 816 00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:40,196 And hello, sweet Hansel. 817 00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:42,273 Hi. 818 00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:44,353 You two know each other? 819 00:51:44,960 --> 00:51:46,598 Sadly, we've never met. 820 00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:48,910 And yet I feel like I've known you... 821 00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:51,550 ...my entire life. 822 00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:55,028 Tell me. 823 00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:57,956 Have you heard of the Fountain of Youth? 824 00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:01,830 Yes. Why does everybody keep asking me that? 825 00:52:02,040 --> 00:52:04,838 No, Derek, not the hand job joint you worked at in SoHo. 826 00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:06,353 The real Fountain of Youth. 827 00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:10,192 It dates back some 6,000 years. 828 00:52:10,720 --> 00:52:15,430 Its original location is thought to have been the Garden of Eden. 829 00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:20,278 You mean the Turkish bathhouse I used to work at in Tribeca? 830 00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:24,952 No, Derek. The Garden of Eden. 831 00:52:26,880 --> 00:52:29,394 The birthplace of Adam and Eve 832 00:52:30,520 --> 00:52:32,192 and Steve. 833 00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:37,071 Steve? Who's Steve? 834 00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:40,470 Steve is the original supermodel. 835 00:52:40,560 --> 00:52:42,312 The first of the purebloods. 836 00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:44,357 He was said to be so beautiful, 837 00:52:44,440 --> 00:52:46,078 with a look so powerful... 838 00:52:46,240 --> 00:52:48,435 ...that even the pools of water he gazed upon 839 00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:50,352 could not reflect his beauty back to him. 840 00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:53,200 That look... 841 00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:57,230 That look was called "El Niño". 842 00:52:58,640 --> 00:53:02,030 But, honestly, I've never heard of Steve. 843 00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:04,631 Countless lives throughout history 844 00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:06,279 have been lost to make sure of that. 845 00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:11,038 Evil forces have hunted his offspring for centuries. 846 00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:14,271 For the legend states 847 00:53:14,440 --> 00:53:17,000 that if you wrench the still-beating heart 848 00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:20,317 from the gorgeous body of a true descendent of Steve 849 00:53:20,400 --> 00:53:22,277 and drink its blood, 850 00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:25,716 you will obtain eternal beauty. 851 00:53:27,200 --> 00:53:29,919 So the Fountai n of Youth is not a fountain at all. 852 00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:32,119 The Fountain of Youth is... 853 00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:33,235 A person. 854 00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:34,639 And not just anyone. 855 00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:37,156 A direct descendent of Steve. 856 00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:38,789 The Chosen One. 857 00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:41,073 How do you know all this? 858 00:53:41,280 --> 00:53:45,319 Because I, and many rock stars like me, are his protectors. 859 00:53:46,480 --> 00:53:48,198 You see, there are only a few genes 860 00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:52,632 that separate the greatest rock stars in history from male models. 861 00:53:52,800 --> 00:53:54,677 Which genes are those? 862 00:53:54,880 --> 00:53:57,314 The ones for talent and intelligence. 863 00:53:57,640 --> 00:53:58,868 Of course. 864 00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:01,714 We were entrusted to protect the Chosen Ones. 865 00:54:02,760 --> 00:54:04,239 But who is the Chosen One? 866 00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:07,199 We believe it is your son. 867 00:54:08,360 --> 00:54:10,351 And that he is in grave danger. 868 00:54:11,440 --> 00:54:12,560 But he's back at the school! 869 00:54:12,640 --> 00:54:14,915 We have to get to him before something terrible happens to him! 870 00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:18,151 No. Wait. Hansel. Look into my eyes. 871 00:54:19,560 --> 00:54:21,516 Is there anything you want to ask me? 872 00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:23,079 Anything at all? 873 00:54:25,720 --> 00:54:28,393 Do you really have sex for ten hours? 874 00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:31,995 No comment. 875 00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:33,868 Fifteen. 876 00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:38,033 Farewell, my handsome boy. 877 00:54:38,440 --> 00:54:40,908 - Farewell. - Good-bye, Sting. 878 00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:56,358 Bolt cutters! 879 00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:08,672 He's gone! 880 00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:13,075 It's like no one was ever here. 881 00:55:15,400 --> 00:55:16,469 It was a wig. 882 00:55:16,560 --> 00:55:17,629 What? 883 00:55:17,720 --> 00:55:19,631 It was a wig the whole time. 884 00:55:19,720 --> 00:55:20,914 That was a wig? 885 00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:24,073 That Headmaster wasn't a good guy at all! 886 00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:25,160 No! 887 00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:28,712 No! No! No! 888 00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:29,994 Derek! 889 00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:31,638 Derek, relax! 890 00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:39,199 Don't do it. 891 00:55:40,040 --> 00:55:42,031 When you want to go to it. 892 00:55:48,920 --> 00:55:50,035 - Filippo. - Si. 893 00:55:50,120 --> 00:55:51,838 I need you to pull up everything you have 894 00:55:51,920 --> 00:55:54,150 on the man who was arrested back in 2001 895 00:55:54,240 --> 00:55:55,593 for brainwashing Zoolander. 896 00:55:55,760 --> 00:55:57,432 Facial scans to be cross-referenced 897 00:55:57,520 --> 00:56:00,239 with security footage of the headmaster of the orphanage. 898 00:56:03,560 --> 00:56:05,551 It's a positive I.D. 899 00:56:06,640 --> 00:56:09,279 The Headmaster didn't have a name or papers. 900 00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:10,549 Oh, my God. 901 00:56:10,640 --> 00:56:12,471 It's the evil breakdancing DJ. 902 00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:16,389 He was arrested with Mugatu and his accomplice back in 2001. 903 00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:19,873 It's Katinka Ingaborgovinananananana. 904 00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,235 Where are they now? 905 00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:23,959 Ingaborgovinanananana disappeared off the grid. 906 00:56:24,320 --> 00:56:26,788 It looks like the Evil DJ came through the Swiss border 907 00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:29,553 with forged papers about three weeks ago. 908 00:56:30,360 --> 00:56:32,191 I suppose they could have... 909 00:56:32,600 --> 00:56:35,433 Driven to Rome and kid napped Derek's son. 910 00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:36,675 Exactly! 911 00:56:36,800 --> 00:56:39,758 Which means the person behind all of this is... 912 00:56:49,160 --> 00:56:50,479 Who? 913 00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:53,988 Who? 914 00:56:54,640 --> 00:56:56,278 Who are we talking about? 915 00:57:08,920 --> 00:57:10,672 Mugatu's in there. 916 00:57:11,520 --> 00:57:13,397 For ten years, there has only been one name 917 00:57:13,480 --> 00:57:16,153 on the list of visitors that he will allow. 918 00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:20,193 Thank you. 919 00:57:21,600 --> 00:57:22,669 For what? 920 00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:24,359 For helping us. 921 00:57:28,120 --> 00:57:31,749 When I was a little girl growing up in Albacete, 922 00:57:31,880 --> 00:57:36,032 my room was covered in pictures of Derek Zoolander. 923 00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:41,751 The most amazing model alive. 924 00:57:45,080 --> 00:57:47,230 Except I'm not one anymore. 925 00:57:48,120 --> 00:57:50,076 My son called me a has-been. 926 00:57:52,520 --> 00:57:53,999 I'm a has-been. 927 00:57:55,480 --> 00:57:57,072 What kind of has-been were you? 928 00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:03,716 I was a swimsuit model. 929 00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:06,191 - I'm so sorry. - My heart goes out to you. 930 00:58:07,320 --> 00:58:11,836 I was never able to transition to print or runway. 931 00:58:12,520 --> 00:58:14,875 To your world of high fashion. 932 00:58:15,760 --> 00:58:17,239 Because of these. 933 00:58:18,400 --> 00:58:22,632 These intrusive, oversized naturals. 934 00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:28,470 These things could never fit into a sample size. 935 00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:30,959 Gross. 936 00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:38,271 You need to go for this now... 937 00:58:38,400 --> 00:58:40,118 Not later. Now. 938 00:58:40,480 --> 00:58:42,118 - Hansel, are you serious? - Yes. 939 00:58:42,240 --> 00:58:44,071 While Matilda lies warm in her grave? 940 00:58:44,560 --> 00:58:47,438 Matilda's been dead for years. You need to move on. 941 00:58:47,520 --> 00:58:50,193 Honestly, by now she's just a couple of teeth. 942 00:58:50,280 --> 00:58:51,474 A piece of spine. 943 00:58:51,560 --> 00:58:55,189 Maybe a little skull fragment, like that guy from Tales from the Crypt. 944 00:58:55,280 --> 00:58:56,998 The Crypt Keeper. 945 00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:59,958 Hansel, stop it! I'm not ready. 946 00:59:17,080 --> 00:59:20,959 The world's most notorious fashion criminals are in there. 947 00:59:21,960 --> 00:59:26,033 Be careful, Derek. He'll try to get inside your head. 948 00:59:26,160 --> 00:59:29,789 Don't worry. It's closed for business. 949 00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:39,391 Give 'em hell, Derek. 950 00:59:55,560 --> 00:59:57,039 You're goin' down, Zoolander! 951 00:59:57,120 --> 00:59:58,473 You're goin' down, listen to me! 952 00:59:58,560 --> 01:00:01,791 You better listen to the Hammer! Can't touch this! 953 01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:05,834 No! No! Zoolander can't touch Mugatu! No! 954 01:00:06,720 --> 01:00:08,551 Shut up, Hammer! 955 01:00:09,320 --> 01:00:12,676 Members Only. Members Only. 956 01:00:13,520 --> 01:00:15,988 Epaulettes are not a crime. 957 01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:19,512 Smart casual. Smart casual. 958 01:00:19,960 --> 01:00:21,518 You can't touch him! 959 01:00:21,840 --> 01:00:24,832 Mr. Hammer is wrong! 960 01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:52,072 Derek Zoolander. 961 01:00:54,640 --> 01:00:56,631 I've been expecting you. 962 01:01:03,160 --> 01:01:05,230 What have you done with my son? 963 01:01:06,360 --> 01:01:07,873 Hands. 964 01:01:08,120 --> 01:01:10,588 Our most overrated appendage. 965 01:01:11,760 --> 01:01:14,194 When not allowed the use of them, 966 01:01:14,280 --> 01:01:15,633 you'd be surprised how quickly 967 01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:18,394 feet can be trained to do the exact same thing. 968 01:01:27,880 --> 01:01:30,713 Your son is doing wonderfully. 969 01:01:31,800 --> 01:01:35,315 From what the school tells my offshore accountant... 970 01:01:35,520 --> 01:01:37,351 He's incredibly smart. 971 01:01:37,800 --> 01:01:39,518 Your accountant? 972 01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:42,478 Who do you think paid for that fancy orphanage? 973 01:01:42,560 --> 01:01:43,754 When he was taken away from you, 974 01:01:43,840 --> 01:01:46,752 someone had to make sure he got his eight square meals a day. 975 01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:49,793 Eight? You bastard! 976 01:01:54,640 --> 01:01:57,632 I'm sorry. I'd love to keep talking about this, 977 01:01:57,880 --> 01:02:00,474 but I seem to have developed a nasty itch. 978 01:02:02,720 --> 01:02:04,153 I'd ask you to scratch it for me, 979 01:02:04,360 --> 01:02:07,796 but no doubt you'd think I was just trying to trick you. 980 01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:15,789 Or you're trying to make me think I shouldn't help you. 981 01:02:16,120 --> 01:02:21,717 In which case, I should do the opposite of that and help you. 982 01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:24,551 Or don't help me. 983 01:02:24,640 --> 01:02:26,790 I think that's even a better option. 984 01:02:29,840 --> 01:02:32,957 You're trying to switch it around on me, but I won't take the bait. 985 01:02:33,720 --> 01:02:35,199 Sorry, Mugatu. 986 01:02:35,280 --> 01:02:36,872 I'm going with my first instinct. 987 01:02:37,000 --> 01:02:38,228 And helping you. 988 01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:43,872 I really wish you wouldn't. 989 01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:46,833 Too late. The die is cast. 990 01:02:46,920 --> 01:02:48,273 I'd prefer that you didn't. 991 01:02:48,360 --> 01:02:49,554 I'm going to do it. 992 01:02:49,640 --> 01:02:50,868 Please don't. 993 01:02:59,520 --> 01:03:00,748 Let me go! 994 01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:05,233 Not until you untie my straitjacket and put it on, okay? 995 01:03:06,400 --> 01:03:08,550 If I do, will you let me go? 996 01:03:09,400 --> 01:03:10,753 No! 997 01:03:11,880 --> 01:03:13,950 Which means you will let me go. 998 01:03:14,040 --> 01:03:15,519 So I'll do it. 999 01:03:16,040 --> 01:03:17,268 Oh, my gosh. 1000 01:03:17,360 --> 01:03:18,554 Okay! 1001 01:03:20,200 --> 01:03:23,158 Check and mate, Mugatu. 1002 01:03:24,120 --> 01:03:25,633 Your move. 1003 01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:30,030 You really are an idiot, aren't you? 1004 01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:36,038 Like, super, super white hot, blazingly stupid. 1005 01:03:38,080 --> 01:03:40,958 For ten long years... 1006 01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:45,232 I've been plotting my escape from this dreadful place. 1007 01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:48,318 For ten long years. For ten long years. 1008 01:03:48,600 --> 01:03:53,390 Ten years spent creating some of the most realistic and lifelike masks... 1009 01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:55,399 ...ever made. 1010 01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:58,553 One for you. 1011 01:04:01,760 --> 01:04:03,591 And one for me. 1012 01:04:06,440 --> 01:04:07,555 All so that today... 1013 01:04:08,600 --> 01:04:10,955 ...you can become me! 1014 01:04:13,440 --> 01:04:15,271 And I can become... 1015 01:04:16,520 --> 01:04:17,669 ...you! 1016 01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:25,432 That's it? 1017 01:04:25,520 --> 01:04:27,238 You'll never get away with this. 1018 01:04:29,440 --> 01:04:32,159 All of the guards here are former male models. 1019 01:04:32,240 --> 01:04:34,800 Somehow I don't think it's gonna be a problem. 1020 01:04:34,920 --> 01:04:37,115 Guard! Guard! 1021 01:04:37,760 --> 01:04:39,830 Will that be all, Mr. Zoolander? 1022 01:04:39,920 --> 01:04:41,399 That will be all. 1023 01:04:42,120 --> 01:04:43,473 No! 1024 01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:45,108 No! 1025 01:04:46,440 --> 01:04:48,396 Come back here, Mugatu! 1026 01:04:48,480 --> 01:04:49,879 Mugatu! 1027 01:05:30,600 --> 01:05:31,600 Go get Derek! 1028 01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:32,715 What? 1029 01:05:32,800 --> 01:05:34,074 Go get Derek! 1030 01:05:34,200 --> 01:05:36,430 And tell my orgy I love them! 1031 01:05:42,240 --> 01:05:43,355 Todd! 1032 01:05:45,560 --> 01:05:48,199 Where's my goddamn latte? 1033 01:06:13,280 --> 01:06:16,272 Oh, and, um, here. 1034 01:06:21,880 --> 01:06:23,029 What's that? 1035 01:06:23,120 --> 01:06:24,314 I missed you, too. 1036 01:07:07,280 --> 01:07:08,952 Alexanya! 1037 01:07:10,760 --> 01:07:12,034 Moo-Moo! 1038 01:07:38,080 --> 01:07:39,274 Alexanya! 1039 01:07:39,760 --> 01:07:41,557 Oh, no. Hey, sorry to interrupt. 1040 01:07:41,640 --> 01:07:42,834 What? 1041 01:07:43,600 --> 01:07:45,875 Don Atari, what are you doing here? 1042 01:07:45,960 --> 01:07:47,154 Don't you knuck? 1043 01:07:47,640 --> 01:07:51,315 Mugatu? What? No way, dude. 1044 01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:53,516 I thought you were supposed to be in jail, dude. 1045 01:07:53,920 --> 01:07:55,717 You're like some dangerous criminal 1046 01:07:55,920 --> 01:07:57,239 that tried to assassinate a world leader, dude. 1047 01:07:57,320 --> 01:08:00,232 That was some crazy retro-Bond shit. 1048 01:08:00,320 --> 01:08:02,231 So corny. I loved it. 1049 01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:05,318 Who are you? 1050 01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:08,995 Uh, hello! I know you been all Shawshanked out, 1051 01:08:09,160 --> 01:08:12,072 but, like, seriously, I'm the new stupid king of fashion, whatever. 1052 01:08:12,160 --> 01:08:13,559 Don Atari, baby. 1053 01:08:14,120 --> 01:08:15,473 What! 1054 01:08:15,960 --> 01:08:18,599 So you know who I am, right? 1055 01:08:19,320 --> 01:08:20,833 Derelicte was the dumbest, dude. 1056 01:08:20,920 --> 01:08:24,799 You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like, my biggest influences ever, dude. 1057 01:08:25,040 --> 01:08:26,758 And did you just escape from prison 1058 01:08:26,840 --> 01:08:28,751 in the most ingenious way possible? 1059 01:08:30,120 --> 01:08:31,439 Uh, what? 1060 01:08:31,720 --> 01:08:33,517 And did you engineer the abduction 1061 01:08:33,600 --> 01:08:35,511 and fattening of the son of Zoolander, 1062 01:08:35,600 --> 01:08:38,797 and delivery of the Chosen One for ritual sacrifice 1063 01:08:38,880 --> 01:08:40,950 as the key to the Fountain of Youth? 1064 01:08:41,360 --> 01:08:42,509 Did you? 1065 01:08:43,560 --> 01:08:45,357 Did you? Did you do that? 1066 01:08:45,440 --> 01:08:46,714 - Naw. - Naw? 1067 01:08:47,320 --> 01:08:48,389 Naw. 1068 01:08:48,680 --> 01:08:49,954 - Naw? - Naw. 1069 01:08:50,080 --> 01:08:51,274 Did you say "naw"? 1070 01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:54,272 I... I said... "naw". 1071 01:08:55,000 --> 01:08:58,151 So, I just want to ask you again. 1072 01:08:58,680 --> 01:09:02,559 Do you know 1073 01:09:03,240 --> 01:09:06,789 who I am? 1074 01:09:08,480 --> 01:09:09,799 Whatever, you're... 1075 01:09:12,080 --> 01:09:13,718 I'm Jaca-boo-who? 1076 01:09:14,200 --> 01:09:15,428 Jacobim Mugatu. 1077 01:09:15,600 --> 01:09:16,828 That's right! 1078 01:09:16,920 --> 01:09:18,478 I'm Jacobim Mugatu! 1079 01:09:18,560 --> 01:09:20,312 Fashion genius. 1080 01:09:20,400 --> 01:09:21,753 And you... 1081 01:09:22,240 --> 01:09:24,037 You are no one! 1082 01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:25,753 Do you understand me? 1083 01:09:26,440 --> 01:09:27,793 No one! 1084 01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:30,231 I'm the Mamba Bajamba! 1085 01:09:31,080 --> 01:09:33,230 I'm the Mamba Bajamba! 1086 01:09:34,440 --> 01:09:35,589 Todd! 1087 01:09:40,160 --> 01:09:42,674 You'll take my name into death! 1088 01:09:43,040 --> 01:09:44,359 You should know, I actually care about everybody 1089 01:09:44,440 --> 01:09:45,759 and everything very truly... 1090 01:09:47,560 --> 01:09:50,711 That's right! I just killed a little hipster! 1091 01:09:50,920 --> 01:09:52,114 Yeah! 1092 01:09:52,200 --> 01:09:54,270 Prison changed me deeply! 1093 01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:56,591 It affected me psychologically. 1094 01:09:56,680 --> 01:09:58,432 I'm a psycho! 1095 01:09:59,360 --> 01:10:02,272 This is just the beginning. Watch out! 1096 01:10:02,640 --> 01:10:04,631 Buyer beware! 1097 01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:07,560 Now where is that chubby little blood fountain? 1098 01:10:10,640 --> 01:10:11,675 Hansel! 1099 01:10:11,880 --> 01:10:13,836 Guys, Mugatz just killed Atari. 1100 01:10:14,080 --> 01:10:15,433 For serious? 1101 01:10:15,520 --> 01:10:17,556 Also, they're going to kill your son tonight. 1102 01:10:17,920 --> 01:10:19,239 What? 1103 01:10:19,600 --> 01:10:22,273 Hang on. I'm gonna try and get more intel. 1104 01:10:31,480 --> 01:10:32,708 What's going on? 1105 01:10:32,800 --> 01:10:33,800 Why did you kidnap me? 1106 01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:36,719 I didn't kidnap you. Don't be a silly-billy. 1107 01:10:37,280 --> 01:10:41,478 I'm just a fun, non-threatening clown, that's what I am. 1108 01:10:42,400 --> 01:10:45,358 Who wants to massively increase your caloric intake. 1109 01:10:45,760 --> 01:10:46,760 Look. 1110 01:10:47,120 --> 01:10:48,269 Come here. 1111 01:10:48,360 --> 01:10:50,828 There's an all-you-can-eat pasta bar. 1112 01:10:52,880 --> 01:10:55,110 Abbondanza! 1113 01:10:55,640 --> 01:10:59,155 Spicy hot pasta puttanesca. 1114 01:10:59,280 --> 01:11:01,157 Which means "whore's pasta"! 1115 01:11:01,400 --> 01:11:04,676 As in a whore, who made this pasta. 1116 01:11:06,560 --> 01:11:08,232 Doesn't that look delicious? 1117 01:11:08,440 --> 01:11:12,433 Next, an all-you-can-eat lard bar. 1118 01:11:13,680 --> 01:11:15,432 Squirt, piggy, squirt! 1119 01:11:15,520 --> 01:11:17,431 Squirt it! Squirt! 1120 01:11:24,360 --> 01:11:26,316 All the lard you want! 1121 01:11:26,480 --> 01:11:28,869 Fill your little tummy full of lard! 1122 01:11:29,240 --> 01:11:30,468 Hansel, where is he now? 1123 01:11:30,560 --> 01:11:31,560 He's okay. 1124 01:11:31,960 --> 01:11:33,154 It's actually kind of nice. 1125 01:11:33,240 --> 01:11:34,468 Mugatu's hooked him up with some snacks. 1126 01:11:34,600 --> 01:11:37,956 He's got like a lard bar and some cheesecake and stuff. 1127 01:11:38,080 --> 01:11:39,433 Oh, and pasta, too. 1128 01:11:39,600 --> 01:11:40,715 No! 1129 01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:44,111 Oh, no. You're right. He's fattening him for the slaughter. 1130 01:11:44,520 --> 01:11:46,033 You can drop this stupid act. 1131 01:11:46,560 --> 01:11:49,597 I know who you are. You're Jacob Moogberg. 1132 01:11:49,880 --> 01:11:51,836 And you're supposed to be in jail. 1133 01:11:52,200 --> 01:11:56,478 Hey! Jacob Moogberg died the day I put ebony and ivory 1134 01:11:56,560 --> 01:11:57,913 on skinny satin neckwear! 1135 01:11:58,040 --> 01:11:59,189 You hear me? 1136 01:11:59,680 --> 01:12:01,671 Okay. I got to make my move. Later. 1137 01:12:01,920 --> 01:12:04,559 You listen to me, Biggie Smalls. 1138 01:12:04,680 --> 01:12:06,159 I went to prison! 1139 01:12:06,240 --> 01:12:09,038 You better scarf down that last bowl of whore pasta! 1140 01:12:09,280 --> 01:12:10,395 We roll in two! 1141 01:12:21,280 --> 01:12:22,952 You okay in there, little fella? 1142 01:12:23,240 --> 01:12:24,719 We should call the police boat! 1143 01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:26,392 They'll never get here in time. 1144 01:12:26,920 --> 01:12:29,753 Who says swimsuit models are useless? 1145 01:12:29,920 --> 01:12:31,273 Wait. What are you doing? 1146 01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:35,310 How long can you hold your breath? 1147 01:12:35,440 --> 01:12:37,749 - What? - Take me from behind, Derek. 1148 01:12:38,440 --> 01:12:40,670 And grab me like your life depends on it. 1149 01:12:41,760 --> 01:12:43,239 Not like this. 1150 01:12:43,360 --> 01:12:44,679 Like this! 1151 01:12:44,760 --> 01:12:47,115 For safety. And buoyancy. 1152 01:12:47,240 --> 01:12:48,355 Wait. What? 1153 01:12:48,480 --> 01:12:50,357 We are swimming back to Rome. 1154 01:12:50,440 --> 01:12:51,793 Oh, okay. 1155 01:12:57,000 --> 01:12:58,433 I just talked to your dad. 1156 01:12:58,560 --> 01:13:00,280 And we've got to get you out of here pronto. 1157 01:13:00,840 --> 01:13:02,796 I never want to see him again. 1158 01:13:02,960 --> 01:13:04,951 What're you talking about? Your dad's a great guy. 1159 01:13:05,080 --> 01:13:06,752 He loves you like you're his own. 1160 01:13:07,000 --> 01:13:08,433 I am his own! 1161 01:13:08,640 --> 01:13:10,756 He's literally the worst father ever! 1162 01:13:11,400 --> 01:13:13,118 Do you know it would break your mom's heart 1163 01:13:13,240 --> 01:13:15,470 to hear you bugging out on your dad like this? 1164 01:13:16,360 --> 01:13:17,759 You knew my mom? 1165 01:13:18,440 --> 01:13:21,989 Oh, yeah. One of the most amazing women I ever met. 1166 01:13:22,680 --> 01:13:23,829 Really? 1167 01:13:24,160 --> 01:13:26,071 You didn't want to cross her in the sack. 1168 01:13:26,440 --> 01:13:29,910 Those hips of hers would put a love lock on you to beat the band. 1169 01:13:31,440 --> 01:13:32,873 Wait, what? 1170 01:13:33,000 --> 01:13:34,672 I remember there was one night, 1171 01:13:34,840 --> 01:13:38,674 she had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots. 1172 01:13:39,000 --> 01:13:40,353 I was driving the freight train, 1173 01:13:40,440 --> 01:13:42,396 your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose. 1174 01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:43,960 Oh... 1175 01:13:44,040 --> 01:13:45,837 She had a mouth like Chinese fingercuffs. 1176 01:13:45,920 --> 01:13:50,038 You know where you, like, try to pull it out but it just keeps getting tighter... 1177 01:13:50,120 --> 01:13:52,315 Stop it! God. 1178 01:13:52,440 --> 01:13:54,078 Look... I'm not going. 1179 01:13:54,240 --> 01:13:56,879 Well, Mugatu's planning to crack your chest open, 1180 01:13:57,000 --> 01:13:59,434 cut your heart out with a knife, and drink your blood! 1181 01:13:59,560 --> 01:14:00,560 What? 1182 01:14:00,640 --> 01:14:02,517 Here he comes. Everything's gonna be okay. 1183 01:14:04,000 --> 01:14:05,274 It's okay, it's okay. 1184 01:14:05,360 --> 01:14:07,191 I was exaggerating. 1185 01:14:14,960 --> 01:14:17,110 It's D-Day, little dumpling. 1186 01:14:31,120 --> 01:14:32,712 You're an amazing swimmer. 1187 01:14:36,760 --> 01:14:38,796 Why are you doing this? 1188 01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:41,235 Don't talk with your mouth full. 1189 01:15:26,200 --> 01:15:27,633 It's soaking wet! It's ruined! 1190 01:15:27,720 --> 01:15:28,920 How are we gonna reach Hansel? 1191 01:15:29,000 --> 01:15:30,000 We need a phone. 1192 01:15:30,080 --> 01:15:31,229 Wait a minute. 1193 01:15:35,320 --> 01:15:36,833 Like this one? 1194 01:15:44,920 --> 01:15:46,035 Derek. 1195 01:15:46,120 --> 01:15:47,189 Hansel, where are you? 1196 01:15:47,280 --> 01:15:48,315 I don't know. Some kind of tunnel. 1197 01:15:48,400 --> 01:15:50,595 I think we're underneath the IncrediBall. 1198 01:15:50,680 --> 01:15:52,636 It smells like the ruins of an ancient bathhouse. 1199 01:15:52,960 --> 01:15:54,473 It's at the Caracalla Baths. 1200 01:15:54,760 --> 01:15:55,954 I'll drop a pin or a needle or whatever 1201 01:15:56,040 --> 01:15:57,360 and you can track my coordinates. 1202 01:15:57,640 --> 01:15:58,675 Cool. 1203 01:15:58,760 --> 01:16:00,876 They'll never let us in looking like this. 1204 01:16:07,720 --> 01:16:09,790 Interpol Fashion Division! 1205 01:16:10,080 --> 01:16:12,196 We need your vehicle and your clothes. Now! 1206 01:16:44,200 --> 01:16:47,510 Why is Anna Wintour walking away from the red carpet? 1207 01:17:04,920 --> 01:17:06,911 We have to get in there. 1208 01:17:07,880 --> 01:17:11,190 Every bathhouse I've ever worked at always had a rear entrance. 1209 01:17:11,360 --> 01:17:13,555 I'm sure this one's no different. Come on. 1210 01:17:21,480 --> 01:17:22,799 This is definitely it. 1211 01:17:23,560 --> 01:17:24,959 If I feel around here long enough, 1212 01:17:25,040 --> 01:17:27,395 I should be able to find the hole... 1213 01:17:39,040 --> 01:17:40,189 Derek! 1214 01:17:41,040 --> 01:17:42,189 Hansel! 1215 01:17:43,360 --> 01:17:45,157 Boy, am I glad to see you guys. 1216 01:17:45,280 --> 01:17:47,748 Hansel, my son is going to die hating me. 1217 01:17:48,200 --> 01:17:49,918 Hating you? The last time I saw him, 1218 01:17:50,000 --> 01:17:51,672 he couldn't stop talking about how much he loves you. 1219 01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:52,829 - Really? - Yes. 1220 01:17:52,920 --> 01:17:53,955 He said that? 1221 01:17:54,040 --> 01:17:55,758 Yes. I mean, I'm kind of paraphrasing, 1222 01:17:55,840 --> 01:17:57,432 and you had to read between the lines, 1223 01:17:57,520 --> 01:17:58,999 but, basically. 1224 01:17:59,080 --> 01:18:01,071 Shut up! Can we talk about this later? 1225 01:18:01,160 --> 01:18:02,639 Yeah, come on. Let's go! 1226 01:18:02,760 --> 01:18:03,760 This way. 1227 01:18:26,480 --> 01:18:28,118 That's Alexander Wang. 1228 01:18:28,200 --> 01:18:29,872 And Vera Wang. 1229 01:18:30,320 --> 01:18:31,992 Both Wangs. 1230 01:18:33,800 --> 01:18:35,472 Marc Jacobs. 1231 01:18:36,000 --> 01:18:37,672 Tommy Hilfiger. 1232 01:18:37,880 --> 01:18:40,474 They are all here for the sacrifice. 1233 01:18:57,160 --> 01:18:59,799 In the beginning of time, 1234 01:19:00,040 --> 01:19:04,318 God created Adam and Eve... 1235 01:19:04,440 --> 01:19:06,795 ...and Steve! 1236 01:19:07,800 --> 01:19:09,438 Mugatu! 1237 01:19:09,920 --> 01:19:11,592 Mugatu! 1238 01:19:12,200 --> 01:19:13,872 Mugatu! 1239 01:19:14,120 --> 01:19:15,758 Mugatu! 1240 01:19:16,160 --> 01:19:17,434 Mugatu! 1241 01:19:33,480 --> 01:19:35,038 - D.J. - Wait. 1242 01:19:35,120 --> 01:19:36,633 We don't have backup yet. 1243 01:19:40,080 --> 01:19:43,516 Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us... 1244 01:19:43,600 --> 01:19:44,953 ...the Choosen Why-yun. 1245 01:19:48,120 --> 01:19:50,111 And behold, 1246 01:19:50,240 --> 01:19:52,356 God expunged Steve from the Garden, 1247 01:19:52,440 --> 01:19:54,829 only to redeem us with eternal youth... 1248 01:19:54,920 --> 01:19:55,920 No. 1249 01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:59,197 ...bathed in the blood of the fat little Chosen One! 1250 01:20:00,840 --> 01:20:02,114 - Derek! - Derek, don't. 1251 01:20:02,200 --> 01:20:03,200 No! 1252 01:20:10,360 --> 01:20:12,396 I don't care if you're fat anymore, Derek Jr. 1253 01:20:12,480 --> 01:20:13,595 I love you. 1254 01:20:13,720 --> 01:20:16,234 Look, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, 1255 01:20:16,320 --> 01:20:18,038 but you are by far the best one. 1256 01:20:18,120 --> 01:20:19,439 I was a mistake? 1257 01:20:19,560 --> 01:20:20,560 I think so. 1258 01:20:20,600 --> 01:20:22,795 To tell you the truth, we were having so much sex, I can't remember. 1259 01:20:22,920 --> 01:20:24,717 T ell me about it, muchacho. 1260 01:20:24,920 --> 01:20:25,920 Ugh! 1261 01:20:26,000 --> 01:20:29,549 You're beautiful. You have the fire. You just need to believe it. 1262 01:20:29,760 --> 01:20:30,795 The fire? 1263 01:20:30,880 --> 01:20:32,313 The fire in your face. 1264 01:20:32,840 --> 01:20:35,115 I lost it the day I killed your mom. 1265 01:20:35,640 --> 01:20:39,269 Oh, look. It's a sad, scared little boy 1266 01:20:39,360 --> 01:20:42,796 talking to his fat son about their feelings. 1267 01:20:43,760 --> 01:20:45,751 You are responsible for all this! 1268 01:20:45,840 --> 01:20:48,149 You lured me to Italy so you could escape from prison. 1269 01:20:48,280 --> 01:20:50,919 You made Don Atari and Alexanya hire me to set this trap. 1270 01:20:51,480 --> 01:20:52,708 But enough is enough! 1271 01:20:53,200 --> 01:20:54,633 Enough is enough! 1272 01:20:54,760 --> 01:20:56,512 Eat my blade, Junior! 1273 01:20:56,920 --> 01:20:59,354 Time to die, Chubby Checker! 1274 01:21:03,400 --> 01:21:04,753 Magnum, buddy. Now. 1275 01:21:06,680 --> 01:21:08,113 I can do this. 1276 01:21:20,160 --> 01:21:21,160 Oh. 1277 01:21:22,320 --> 01:21:24,675 That did not work at all. 1278 01:21:26,240 --> 01:21:28,595 It just doesn't hold up, does it? 1279 01:21:28,960 --> 01:21:30,951 You sleuthed the whole thing out, Derek, 1280 01:21:31,040 --> 01:21:34,396 but failed to de-sleuth the most important piece of the puzzle. 1281 01:21:34,480 --> 01:21:36,311 I owned the construction company 1282 01:21:36,400 --> 01:21:38,868 that built the Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good. 1283 01:21:40,760 --> 01:21:42,990 I personally made sure they cut corners. 1284 01:21:43,160 --> 01:21:44,309 Literally! 1285 01:21:46,000 --> 01:21:47,000 But that means that... 1286 01:21:47,040 --> 01:21:50,430 That's right, JuJu Bean. That's How I Killed Your Mother! 1287 01:21:51,280 --> 01:21:54,750 On CBS, right after Two Broke Girls. 1288 01:21:55,440 --> 01:21:57,078 Dad, it wasn't you! 1289 01:21:57,160 --> 01:21:58,275 It wasn't... 1290 01:21:58,480 --> 01:22:01,313 Wait. You called me "Dad". 1291 01:22:01,960 --> 01:22:03,552 Oh, I guess I did. 1292 01:22:04,200 --> 01:22:06,236 Now you don't have the ceremonial knife! 1293 01:22:06,320 --> 01:22:08,914 Which means, no Fountain of Youth! 1294 01:22:09,520 --> 01:22:11,875 Come on, Derek! We need the blood! 1295 01:22:12,280 --> 01:22:14,350 Stop being so emotional, Derek. 1296 01:22:14,440 --> 01:22:16,317 Just give him the goddamn knife. 1297 01:22:16,520 --> 01:22:18,238 Derek, we need the blood! 1298 01:22:18,320 --> 01:22:21,039 Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1299 01:22:21,120 --> 01:22:24,271 Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1300 01:22:24,640 --> 01:22:27,393 Blood of Steve! Give him back the knife, Derek. 1301 01:22:27,640 --> 01:22:29,551 Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1302 01:22:32,360 --> 01:22:34,510 Shut up, Valentino! 1303 01:22:35,360 --> 01:22:37,954 Just shut up! Everyone shut up! 1304 01:22:38,040 --> 01:22:40,508 There is no Fountain of Youth! 1305 01:22:41,240 --> 01:22:42,309 What? 1306 01:22:42,800 --> 01:22:46,475 I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve? 1307 01:22:46,560 --> 01:22:49,279 Are you serious? You actually believed that crap? 1308 01:22:49,800 --> 01:22:50,949 What? 1309 01:22:51,360 --> 01:22:55,114 It's literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard! 1310 01:22:55,480 --> 01:22:59,439 I get it if Alexander Wang believes it, but the rest of you, come on! 1311 01:22:59,560 --> 01:23:00,675 Oh, please. 1312 01:23:00,760 --> 01:23:03,797 Without me, you'd still be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse. 1313 01:23:04,160 --> 01:23:06,720 Oh, look, it's the White Witch from Narnia! 1314 01:23:08,240 --> 01:23:10,629 Oh, no, I'm sorry it's just Anna Wintour. 1315 01:23:10,720 --> 01:23:11,948 I'll knock your teeth out! 1316 01:23:12,080 --> 01:23:14,310 I'll rip your goddamn tongue out! 1317 01:23:14,520 --> 01:23:16,829 Check out the new spring collection from Hilfiger. 1318 01:23:16,920 --> 01:23:18,433 Brought to you by white privilege! 1319 01:23:18,960 --> 01:23:21,679 You couldn't make a down jacket to save your life! 1320 01:23:22,040 --> 01:23:23,393 Asshole. 1321 01:23:23,480 --> 01:23:25,948 I don't understand. You're saying the legend isn't true? 1322 01:23:26,120 --> 01:23:28,350 Why are you doing all of this, then? 1323 01:23:28,640 --> 01:23:31,473 Because Marc, by Marc Jacobs... 1324 01:23:32,440 --> 01:23:35,079 ...I knew there'd only be one thing that would gather 1325 01:23:35,160 --> 01:23:40,678 the entire idiotic fashion world into one place with no exit! 1326 01:23:40,760 --> 01:23:42,034 Todd! Doors! 1327 01:23:47,160 --> 01:23:48,513 Todd! Silks! 1328 01:23:52,120 --> 01:23:53,120 Huh? 1329 01:23:53,760 --> 01:23:58,117 For years you all left me to die in a stinking cell! 1330 01:23:58,280 --> 01:24:00,794 Well, now it's my turn! 1331 01:24:04,560 --> 01:24:06,437 I was living a peaceful life of reclusion. 1332 01:24:07,240 --> 01:24:08,798 Why drag me into this? 1333 01:24:10,280 --> 01:24:12,430 Because my big issue is... 1334 01:24:12,520 --> 01:24:15,592 ...I hate you, Derek Zoolander! 1335 01:24:17,120 --> 01:24:19,111 Then why kill all those pop stars? 1336 01:24:19,240 --> 01:24:20,798 Why kill Justin Bieber? 1337 01:24:21,720 --> 01:24:25,315 Really? You're asking me why I killed Justin Bieber? 1338 01:24:29,480 --> 01:24:30,799 Todd! Pooch! 1339 01:24:38,240 --> 01:24:39,355 It's a bomb! 1340 01:24:39,640 --> 01:24:41,312 Not just any bomb. 1341 01:24:41,480 --> 01:24:44,756 A device, designed by Philippe Starck 1342 01:24:44,840 --> 01:24:46,671 in collaboration with Al-Qaeda 1343 01:24:46,800 --> 01:24:49,519 for their new spring explosive collection. 1344 01:24:49,920 --> 01:24:51,751 Todd! Floor! 1345 01:24:54,840 --> 01:24:57,832 When I throw this into this ancient pool of lava, 1346 01:24:58,000 --> 01:25:00,434 it will overflow, killing everyone in fashion. 1347 01:25:01,480 --> 01:25:03,152 Leaving only me. 1348 01:25:03,520 --> 01:25:04,919 You can't kill fashion! 1349 01:25:05,000 --> 01:25:07,434 I'm afraid fashion already killed itself. 1350 01:25:08,400 --> 01:25:11,073 Mugatu! I'm coming across! 1351 01:25:13,520 --> 01:25:14,669 Derek! 1352 01:25:15,240 --> 01:25:17,674 Heat is a temporal construct of the mind. 1353 01:25:17,800 --> 01:25:18,800 Yes. 1354 01:25:18,920 --> 01:25:20,911 It doesn't exist. 1355 01:25:23,920 --> 01:25:24,920 Whoa! 1356 01:25:25,000 --> 01:25:27,594 It's so hot! It's hot! 1357 01:25:33,800 --> 01:25:34,800 Jesus! 1358 01:25:34,880 --> 01:25:36,711 Stop it, Hansel! Stop it! 1359 01:25:38,400 --> 01:25:39,833 Derek, toss me the knife. 1360 01:25:40,040 --> 01:25:41,234 You got it! 1361 01:25:48,880 --> 01:25:49,949 Sorry. 1362 01:25:52,320 --> 01:25:53,673 So stupid. 1363 01:25:53,960 --> 01:25:56,713 What the hell is your problem? 1364 01:25:56,920 --> 01:25:59,229 You guys are the absolute worst. 1365 01:25:59,440 --> 01:26:01,112 Put the bomb down, Mugatu! 1366 01:26:02,640 --> 01:26:06,155 Oh, you're the bubble-butted Playboy model trying to take me down. 1367 01:26:06,240 --> 01:26:07,355 Swimsuit model! 1368 01:26:07,440 --> 01:26:10,671 Sports Illustrated cover, three years in a row! 1369 01:26:13,360 --> 01:26:14,360 Ah! 1370 01:26:28,960 --> 01:26:29,995 Katinka... 1371 01:26:30,120 --> 01:26:31,439 ...Ingaborgovinanananana! 1372 01:26:34,640 --> 01:26:37,757 Game on, my sexy sister. 1373 01:26:45,920 --> 01:26:48,070 Look! They're sexy fighting! 1374 01:26:59,640 --> 01:27:01,437 Awesome. 1375 01:27:04,320 --> 01:27:06,117 Tommy likee. 1376 01:27:09,240 --> 01:27:12,073 Hey, idiots! Maybe this will get your attention! 1377 01:27:12,160 --> 01:27:14,594 I've got a bomb in my hand and it's armed! 1378 01:27:20,560 --> 01:27:22,357 Derek, now! Magnum! Do it! 1379 01:27:22,440 --> 01:27:24,158 Fly, baby, fly! 1380 01:27:25,640 --> 01:27:26,993 Bust it out! 1381 01:27:34,680 --> 01:27:36,318 Yes! I knew it. 1382 01:27:48,360 --> 01:27:49,998 Hansel, I need your help. 1383 01:27:50,560 --> 01:27:51,709 Here, let me try! 1384 01:27:54,160 --> 01:27:57,118 It's not working! Derek, it's not working! 1385 01:27:57,360 --> 01:27:59,828 I can't hold it, Hansel! I don't have it! 1386 01:28:00,040 --> 01:28:02,349 You've got your son! I've got nothing. 1387 01:28:04,600 --> 01:28:05,999 Not anymore, Hansel. 1388 01:28:07,520 --> 01:28:08,839 Who's your daddy now? 1389 01:28:09,240 --> 01:28:11,310 I don't know who my daddy is! 1390 01:28:11,400 --> 01:28:12,753 That's the whole point! 1391 01:28:12,960 --> 01:28:14,791 - Hansel. - What? 1392 01:28:16,680 --> 01:28:18,318 I am your father. 1393 01:28:19,640 --> 01:28:21,756 Holy shit. Sting? 1394 01:28:21,840 --> 01:28:23,398 Let's do this now. 1395 01:28:23,920 --> 01:28:25,592 Synchronicity. 1396 01:28:44,240 --> 01:28:47,550 Nice try, but that looks about as powerful as your fat son's... 1397 01:28:47,720 --> 01:28:49,915 I'm not fat! 1398 01:28:51,480 --> 01:28:53,675 He's plus size. 1399 01:28:55,200 --> 01:28:56,952 And I've got the fire. 1400 01:29:02,840 --> 01:29:05,832 El Niño! It's real. 1401 01:29:08,760 --> 01:29:10,910 It's so beautiful. 1402 01:29:12,000 --> 01:29:13,592 Bellissima. 1403 01:29:18,960 --> 01:29:20,996 The prophecy was true. 1404 01:29:22,720 --> 01:29:24,915 He is the Chosen One. 1405 01:29:31,600 --> 01:29:35,957 Hansel. He's still so hot right now. 1406 01:29:46,160 --> 01:29:49,357 No way! It's a glitter bomb! 1407 01:30:02,280 --> 01:30:03,633 Looks like you still have it. 1408 01:30:04,000 --> 01:30:05,069 I guess I do. 1409 01:30:05,160 --> 01:30:07,390 - Well, we do. - Mmm. 1410 01:30:09,160 --> 01:30:10,160 Ah! 1411 01:30:11,560 --> 01:30:12,595 Your face! 1412 01:30:13,000 --> 01:30:14,399 How bad is it? 1413 01:30:14,920 --> 01:30:16,751 Welcome to my world, bro. 1414 01:30:17,000 --> 01:30:18,592 - Hansel! - Hansel! 1415 01:30:18,680 --> 01:30:20,557 - Orgy! - Hansel! 1416 01:30:24,320 --> 01:30:26,356 What are they doing here? 1417 01:30:26,560 --> 01:30:28,357 I knew how much they meant to you, 1418 01:30:28,480 --> 01:30:30,232 so I called them on the way over. 1419 01:30:30,360 --> 01:30:31,839 You did that for me? 1420 01:30:32,400 --> 01:30:36,393 You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for, Derek Zoolander. 1421 01:30:40,280 --> 01:30:42,714 You look so beautiful. Oh. 1422 01:30:43,440 --> 01:30:44,759 We missed you so much. 1423 01:30:44,840 --> 01:30:46,273 And I've missed you, too. 1424 01:30:46,360 --> 01:30:49,352 And I'm ready to be a father. To all our children. 1425 01:30:51,280 --> 01:30:52,952 Minus one. 1426 01:30:54,480 --> 01:30:55,480 What? 1427 01:30:55,960 --> 01:30:57,598 I lost my baby. 1428 01:30:58,160 --> 01:30:59,309 No. 1429 01:30:59,800 --> 01:31:02,792 I guess kicking the door down wasn't such a good idea. 1430 01:31:03,800 --> 01:31:06,473 We're going to be a family, that's all that matters. 1431 01:31:14,520 --> 01:31:17,273 Wait. Are you sure? 1432 01:31:17,960 --> 01:31:20,474 You're right. We shouldn't. 1433 01:31:21,680 --> 01:31:26,037 Hey. It's okay, Dad. I don't think Mom would mind. 1434 01:31:33,240 --> 01:31:34,389 Matilda. 1435 01:31:35,160 --> 01:31:36,718 Go to her, Derek. 1436 01:31:37,560 --> 01:31:38,993 You're cool with it? 1437 01:31:39,160 --> 01:31:41,151 I'm totally cool with it. 1438 01:31:41,400 --> 01:31:42,674 I'm dead. 1439 01:31:42,760 --> 01:31:45,069 Literally nothing bothers me anymore. 1440 01:31:46,200 --> 01:31:47,235 Oh, and guess what? 1441 01:31:47,320 --> 01:31:48,992 Mugatu live-streamed all of this 1442 01:31:49,080 --> 01:31:51,150 to every fashion blog on the planet. 1443 01:31:51,600 --> 01:31:53,830 Everybody loves you guys again. 1444 01:31:54,360 --> 01:31:55,429 Did you hear that? 1445 01:31:55,520 --> 01:31:57,397 We did it. We're back. 1446 01:31:57,480 --> 01:31:59,914 And famous. And totally self-realized. 1447 01:32:00,480 --> 01:32:02,277 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 1448 01:32:02,920 --> 01:32:04,273 If you're thinking... 1449 01:32:04,440 --> 01:32:06,908 Lava pool party! 1450 01:32:08,760 --> 01:32:10,318 No! 1451 01:32:13,760 --> 01:32:14,829 They're back! 1452 01:32:14,920 --> 01:32:17,070 After six weeks in the burn ward, 1453 01:32:17,160 --> 01:32:19,310 their disgusting facial scars healed 1454 01:32:19,400 --> 01:32:21,709 by a miraculous hot lava treatment 1455 01:32:21,800 --> 01:32:24,997 Derek Zoolander and Hansel owning the runway once again 1456 01:32:25,120 --> 01:32:27,714 after exposing fashion's top designers 1457 01:32:27,800 --> 01:32:30,439 in yet another human sacrifice scandal. 1458 01:32:30,520 --> 01:32:34,513 This time with the aid of Interpol agent Valentina Valencia, 1459 01:32:34,600 --> 01:32:36,477 now Zoolander's wife. 1460 01:32:37,000 --> 01:32:38,479 The two recently broke ground 1461 01:32:38,560 --> 01:32:40,915 for the Valentina Valencia Center For Swimsuit Models 1462 01:32:41,000 --> 01:32:42,399 Who Want To Be Taken Seriously 1463 01:32:42,480 --> 01:32:45,153 And Maybe Transition Into Law Enforcement Too. 1464 01:32:45,240 --> 01:32:48,994 Hansel, definitely back and fully self-realized. 1465 01:32:49,080 --> 01:32:51,753 Now a model parent. And father of ten. 1466 01:32:51,840 --> 01:32:53,751 As crowds at Paris Fashion Week 1467 01:32:53,880 --> 01:32:56,348 go cray-cray for Derek Zoolander, Jr., 1468 01:32:56,440 --> 01:32:58,954 the world's hottest plus size model-slash- 1469 01:32:59,040 --> 01:33:00,393 National Book Award winner- 1470 01:33:00,480 --> 01:33:03,631 slash-one-half of celebrity couple Zoolala. 1471 01:33:03,720 --> 01:33:06,075 Yes, these three are totally on fleek... 1472 01:33:06,360 --> 01:33:09,318 Redefining what it means to be really, really, 1473 01:33:09,520 --> 01:33:11,988 ridiculously good-looking. 1474 01:33:15,880 --> 01:33:17,393 Pumped up with the sex appeal 1475 01:33:17,520 --> 01:33:19,112 'Bout to cop another feel Then I foot the bill 1476 01:33:19,200 --> 01:33:20,952 I got bang bang with the looks that kill 1477 01:33:21,040 --> 01:33:22,837 Sashay, Shante, then hit the blue steel 1478 01:33:22,920 --> 01:33:24,751 Trying to take a ride in the cool mobile 1479 01:33:24,880 --> 01:33:26,800 You wanna keep me on the line 'Cause my culo real 1480 01:33:26,920 --> 01:33:28,717 Rockstar shit with the Goose on the chill 1481 01:33:28,840 --> 01:33:30,876 My pockets so fat, got a sumo deal 1482 01:33:31,040 --> 01:33:32,519 I'm a star, so the camera flicker 1483 01:33:32,600 --> 01:33:34,670 Look at her go, blame it on the liquor 1484 01:33:34,760 --> 01:33:36,239 Doing it big, my selfie two figures 1485 01:33:36,360 --> 01:33:38,191 Could give it up, but I ain't a quitter 1486 01:33:38,280 --> 01:33:41,909 Ooh, I be flyer than you World domination, I'm so Mugatu 1487 01:33:42,040 --> 01:33:43,871 Yes, I be smashin ', plenty of fashion 1488 01:33:43,960 --> 01:33:46,030 Doing my anthem, Now give 'em the Magnum 1489 01:33:46,120 --> 01:33:49,078 Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it 1490 01:33:49,160 --> 01:33:51,071 Relax, don't do it 1491 01:33:53,080 --> 01:33:56,629 Relax, don't do it When we got the club moving 1492 01:33:56,720 --> 01:33:58,597 Relax, don't do it 1493 01:33:58,720 --> 01:34:02,554 When you wanna come 1494 01:34:16,040 --> 01:34:19,749 Pack it up, old lames You just irrelevant to us 1495 01:34:19,880 --> 01:34:23,509 Old as the presidents Your style is like the republican twos 1496 01:34:23,600 --> 01:34:26,751 That's a definite Give grief to all your relatives 1497 01:34:26,840 --> 01:34:30,230 And next of kin and Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit 1498 01:34:30,440 --> 01:34:33,238 When I say ancient relics, Hansel and Derek, 1499 01:34:33,320 --> 01:34:34,753 I'm handsome, you jealous 1500 01:34:34,840 --> 01:34:39,231 I can tell it from your facial expressions Or I take it, you smell it 1501 01:34:39,440 --> 01:34:44,958 I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella suggested Valentino for the party 1502 01:34:45,600 --> 01:34:48,956 Shoot it in the right direction 1503 01:34:49,240 --> 01:34:52,471 Make it your intention 1504 01:34:53,280 --> 01:34:54,759 Live those dreams 1505 01:34:54,920 --> 01:34:56,478 Scheme those schemes 1506 01:34:57,040 --> 01:34:58,792 You gotta hit me 1507 01:34:58,920 --> 01:35:00,956 Hit me with those laser beams 1508 01:35:01,040 --> 01:35:04,237 Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it 1509 01:35:04,320 --> 01:35:07,835 Relax, don't do it When you wanna come 1510 01:35:08,080 --> 01:35:09,877 Relax, don't do it 1511 01:35:10,000 --> 01:35:11,752 When we got the club moving 1512 01:35:11,840 --> 01:35:13,558 Relax, don't do it 1513 01:35:13,640 --> 01:35:16,950 When you wanna come 1514 01:35:18,760 --> 01:35:21,797 When you wanna come 1515 01:35:30,520 --> 01:35:31,953 Relax 106388