Original subtitles

[DRONE MUSIC PLAYING]

[BUZZING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ELECTRONIC NOISES]

REVEREND MICKEY HOUSE: All right, all

right, all right, everybody!

[CHEERING]

REVEREND MICKEY HOUSE: What up?

What up?

What up?

Thank you guys for coming out today.

Most of you all know me from running the Lotus Community

Workshop here.

I've been doing this since 1978.

'78!

And I go by the name of Reverend Mickey House--

in the house!

All right, we got something crazy special and super

exciting for you guys today.

So with great pleasure and extreme fondness, I'd like to

introduce to you today to a man that needs no

introduction, because he's saved so many lives.

He's touched so many lives.

This man is a legend amongst us, ya'll!

I don't even know a greater human being

other than this guy.

He's so large, and he's a personal hero of mine.

Please help me welcome my friend and my mentor Val

Kilmer, ya'll!

Give it up for Val Kilmer!

[CHEERING]

REVEREND MICKEY HOUSE: Yeah!

Put it up for that man Val!

VAL KILMER: Yeah!

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Some of you may know me, may know my face.

Cable television.

[CHEERING]

VAL KILMER: I have many, many awards.

I'm a consistent award winner.

I'm a very well-known entity.

I'm considered by most people to be a great man.

[CHEERING]

VAL KILMER: You, on the other hand, are not.

You need my help?

You, and you, and you, you're drowning in a cesspool of

poverty and unemployment?

You need me badly.

You need me so badly that I feel badly about how badly you

really need me.

You need me to light up the sky for you, to be your

beacon, to be your beacon sparkler, to

teach you awesome secrets--

awesome secrets!

Say it with me now!

Awesome secrets!

Awesome secrets!

[CROWD CHANTING "AWESOME SECRETS"]

VAL KILMER: Awesome secrets!

Awesome secrets!

Awesome secrets!

Awesome secrets, they now come true!

Awesome secrets, they now come true!

Awesome secrets, they now come true!

VAL KILMER: We've all been assembled here today by a

wonderful charity workshop, the Lotus Community Workshop.

It's a non-profit for inner-city people in need or

real hard-luck cases.

Sit down.

Sit down, darling.

Sit down.

How do you get a piece of that pie and still maintain a

semblance of dignity?

You know that.

And I know that.

It's cool that I'm here for you.

FEMALE SPEAKER 1: I'm so happy you're here for me.

I want you so bad.

I want your baby.

VAL KILMER: Sexy.

[MAKING GUNSHOT NOISES]

VAL KILMER: Hey.

Been waiting long?

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: No, Just got here.

You want to rent a video game?

VAL KILMER: Cool.

I'm just going to take a minute now.

Total silence.

I'm going to take a minute to examine everyone, the facial

structures of the audience.

[KISSES AUDIENCE MEMBER]

VAL KILMER: A vibe jack.

Total silence.

[CLOCK TICKING]

VAL KILMER: I'm not going to speak for maybe 15 seconds.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, fantastic.

A lot of criminals in the audience today.

I wasn't expecting that much criminal vibes.

Woo, a bit mind-blowing.

I'm not going to lie to you.

A few of you look like you could be on death row.

[BUZZING NOISE]

VAL KILMER: But do not worry.

I'm not going to turn you in.

You're safe with me.

There's a new sheriff in town.

I'm your protector now.

When I was young, I was also a delinquent.

I stole things.

I hurt people.

I was born in a tin shack.

Actually, I was born in several tin shacks.

I ran with kids who were awful.

[CHIMING NOISE]

VAL KILMER: They had pointy ears.

They were more like demons than actual human children.

Scorched houses--

I was into arson.

I thought arson was cool.

One day I was coming home from school, and I

saw an alien ship--

[OOHS AND AHS]

VAL KILMER: --hovering.

It was a mothership.

It was obviously a mothership.

There were so many lights on this ship.

[CHIMING NOISE]

VAL KILMER: It made the sky sparkle.

I'd never seen an alien ship before.

Oh, mama, mothership.

Oh mama, mothership.

Oh, mama mothership alien.

Oh, mama mothership alien ship.

Mothership alien ship.

Mothership alien ship.

Can you see it?

It's like an alien ship.

Can you see it?

Look up!

Look up!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Look up!

Sit down and look up!

It wasn't doing anything.

Why aren't you doing anything, mothership?

[BEEPING NOISE]

VAL KILMER: What's going on here?

Am I hallucinating?

Is this a sign from God?

Is it a movie set?

Somebody forgot to tell me I'm an extra in it.

I started asking all these deep philosophical questions,

poignant questions.

And then, just like that, the alien ship just jacked off.

Off to away from me.

It was like a second, and then it was gone.

Disappeared and left me with no answers.

It evaporated into the fourth dimension.

I realized at that very moment that life

doesn't have answers--

doesn't need answers.

Life is a mothership.

It hovers.

[APPLAUSE]

[MAKING NOISES]

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

[BIRD NOISE]

VAL KILMER: There was kids on TV that

were starving in Africa.

[ELEPHANT NOISE]

CROWD: Aww!

VAL KILMER: I didn't know what to do, but the

mothership was with me.

[HARP NOISE]

VAL KILMER: I felt speechless, horrible.

So I decided to write a song.

Those kids, bum, bum, bum.

Those kids, bum, bum, bum.

They die from diarrhea.

Those kids, bum, bum, bum.

Those kids, they die.

Ba-bum, ba-bum.

From diarrhea.

I sit at home and wonder why they die from di--

bum, bum, bum--

di--

bum, bum, bum--

arrhea.

I entered that song in a contest, and I ended up

winning money for it.

[APPLAUSE]

VAL KILMER: I turned that money into gold bars, and I

donated that money to Africa!

And then I realized that I could make a difference, which

is why I made a DVD.

You are so lucky for that.

Come on in here for the real thing.

Woo!

Woo!

Trust me, trust me!

MALE SPEAKER 1: I feel I can trust you, Val!

We trust you!

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: You seen this?

VAL KILMER: No.

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Looks shitty.

I've seen all these.

VAL KILMER: Have you seen this one, Reach?

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Yeah.

It was awful.

Pick something funny.

VAL KILMER: How many of you like gold?

Yeah!

Woo!

Invest in gold bars.

Invest in gold.

Get as many gold bars as you can, and then bury them under

your bathtub.

As I'm saying this, forget I'm saying it.

But then, do it.

Build a hidden safe-like

contraption under your bathtub.

Fill it up with gold bars.

Don't tell anyone.

Don't tell anyone your secret code or your password.

You lock it up.

When you take a bath at night, you'll be sitting on a

financial safety net.

I'm talking to you robotic so that it goes

into your mind digital.

01010--

I don't know.

You'll be sitting on a gold mine.

[CHEERING]

VAL KILMER: Woo!

Yeah, cotton candy!

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Man, I don't even feel like watching a

movie anymore.

Let's get a game.

You ever play Kill Freak?

I don't even know if this place would have it.

You got Slaughter Haven?

MALE SPEAKER 2: Mm-hm.

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: What about Kill Freak 2?

MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, yeah.

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Is it good?

MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, it's great.

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Shit looks good.

VAL KILMER: I want you to be healthy and strong.

I want you to be a century old before you feel

ankle pain or wrinkle.

You need to last a long time.

You need to lasso the moon!

You need to be made in America.

If you're not made in America, get out, get out, get out!

But you are made in America.

If you're all made in America, you'll make it in America!

Make it in America!

Some of you ride horses.

Some of you ride horses.

Stop riding horses.

CROWD: What?

VAL KILMER: It's time to find a job.

Let's all say that.

It's time to find a job!

That's right.

Did you recognize me?

Yeah, from movies, probably, huh?

Yeah, I've done that.

But now I'm doing a whole kind of a new thing, just reaching

out to people and just talking to them.

A lot of times, the biggest things in life

are unexpected, right?

Just seem to be random.

And just like talking to you two tonight, like, we had that

experience.

It just like nothing else in the world.

It's like the most important thing, suddenly.

So I'm really happy about that.

And that's something the Lotus Community Center has given me.

It's like a real gift.

Oh yeah, there was something that happened that I could

share with you.

It's really about the fourth dimension.

When I close my eyes, I can see a kind of world like

cotton candy, almost.

It's just light and fluffy.

And there's no more past, no more future, no more convicts,

no more out of work, no more bad times.

And I see it like a unity where laughter heals, and

we're all a real family.

Not a fake family, not a fake religion

family, but a real family.

And it's cotton candy-like.

I see that cotton candy all over the world.

MALE SPEAKER 3: That's cool.

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Let's get out of here.

VAL KILMER: Adios.

MALE SPEAKER 3: Adios.

VAL KILMER: I went to a bad school.

I went to a bad school.

There were no books.

Everyone got straight F's.

Everyone got straight F's.

Everyone got straight F's.

Everyone got straight F's.

Everyone got straight F's.

[CHANTING]

VAL KILMER: The cafeteria food was basically poison.

Some of these teachers had metal plates in their heads.

And one teacher coughed up a lung.

But I realized I could change the world.

And if I could, I would.

And I would make everything the opposite of my school

experience, and I have.

[CHEERING]

[PLAYING THE RECORDER]

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Wow, that is beautiful.

VAL KILMER: You're beautiful.

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: You're getting so

much better at that.

Sounds so nice.

VAL KILMER: Thank you.

And you're perfect like the fireflies.

Did you see one tonight?

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: No.

VAL KILMER: Oh, it was so great.

Light up the world.

[MAKING GUNSHOT NOISE]

VAL KILMER: How many of you have won the lottery?

No one, because lottery is code for moron.

CROWD: [SHOUTING]

Moron!

VAL KILMER: If you are a person that's addicted to the

lottery, then I want you to cut off one of your fingers

with a steak knife.

I want you to put it in a glass jar.

I want you to put in a glass jar and put it in your child's

bed at night next to their head.

[SOUND OF BABY CRYING]

VAL KILMER: And when your kid asks, why am I sleeping under

a severed finger?

You should say, it's a reminder of my great idiocy.

The lottery is a scam.

[CHEERING]

VAL KILMER: How many of you hate job interviews?

How many of you hate job interviews?

Yeah, job interviews suck.

Stare at the person next to you in a job interviewer.

Stare at him!

Stare at him!

When you go to a job interview, wear loose pants.

Wear loose pants.

Do not wear velvet when you go to a job interview.

Velvet killed Elvis.

CROWD: Velvet killed him!

VAL KILMER: Velvet killed Elvis.

How many of you like safe sex?

Safe sex can also be unusual and glamorous and perfect.

But velvet killed Elvis.

Velvet killed Elvis.

[YELPS]

VAL KILMER: Sometimes it's all so beautiful.

I don't know what to do with myself.

You know what I mean?

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Yeah, Val, I know what you mean.

VAL KILMER: Who loves hardcore?

Suck it up, drain it down, squeeze it out, push it until

it floats out.

Love is hardcore.

Love is hardcore.

Love is hardcore.

Love is hardcore.

CROWD CHANTING "LOVE IS HARD CORE"]

VAL KILMER: I'm a drill sergeant to your heart.

I'm a drill sergeant to your heart.

The oil is gold, and it's cotton candy.

[CROWD CHANTING "COTTON CANDY"]

VAL KILMER: I have children.

Do you have children?

I had my first child born in the hospital.

I had a great doctor.

He was from Syria.

He'd been an army general.

[MACHINE GUN NOISE]

VAL KILMER: When he was delivering the baby, he looked

at, and he winked.

He whispered in my ear, this is easy as pie.

Just have to deliver a baby with the right tools.

When I had my second child with my ex-wife, I bought a

swimming pool.

I was determined to have the baby myself,

born in my back yard.

When the baby shot out, I realized I needed to cut the

umbilical cord.

I looked around.

I noticed I didn't have anything to cut it with.

That's when my wife screamed to me, "get the hedge

clippers, the garden shears we used to go cut flowers with.

I cut the umbilical cord, and it worked perfectly.

That's when I remembered that the doctor told me anyone can

deliver a baby if you've got the right tools.

Now, we're are all babies.

We're not convicts and outcasts.

We're newborns.

We're babies.

It's time for you to find the right tools.

You fly away now.

You scrape off the afterbirth and kick it

into the fourth dimension!

[CHEERING]

[WATER SPLASHING NOISES]

VAL KILMER: What is the fourth dimension, you ask?

It is simply Heaven on Earth.

It is security.

It is the land of the more worries.

It is enlightenment.

It's the beautiful balance of light.

It comes in circles and waves.

Smells like chocolate.

It floats through machine gun fire and volcanic ash.

It's invincible and utterly whole.

[MACHINE GUN NOISE]

VAL KILMER: If you listen to what I say, then you will have

each entered the fourth dimension.

You'll know the great secrets.

[CROWD CHANTING "AWESOME SECRETS"]

[MACHINE GUN FIRE]

[GIRL LAUGHS]

VAL KILMER: Breathe it in.

Everybody got their eyes closed.

Here we go.

Let's get into the fourth dimension.

It's light and fluffy.

Breathe it in now.

You're no longer unemployed, you kings and queens of the

fourth dimension.

I depend on you.

You depend on me.

The next generation of thinkers and innovators, great

minds of the hidden generations, the do-gooders,

pleasure providers, the Hell destroyers who are going to

find cures for every awful disease.

You're going to reveal perfection on Earth.

Breathe it in.

Smell the healing.

Nice.

Cotton candy.

Cotton candy all over the world.

Now go out and get stuck in it.

[CROWD CHANTS "COTTON CANDY"]

[VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE]

[LAUGHTER]

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Chill out.

VAL KILMER: Don't worry, I'm sure you'll survive.

[LAUGHTER]

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Shoot.

[VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE]

FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Damn, you're good.

[LAUGHTER]

[CROWD CHANTING]

VAL KILMER: You!

You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you!

Question.

MALE SPEAKER 4: How can I be more like you, Val?

How can I be more like you, Val?

VAL KILMER: There are no impossibilities, but I can't

help you with that.

Let's dance.

Let's dance.

Let's dance.

Oh, now we're the same person.

We're the same person.

MALE SPEAKER 4: Yes, yes!

Thank you, Val!

Thank you.

VAL KILMER: Yes.

MALE SPEAKER 5: My wife and my two kids and I don't have a

place to stay.

I live in my van.

VAL KILMER: You live in a van?

MALE SPEAKER 5: Yeah.

VAL KILMER: But at least you've got a van.

Woo!

[CROWD CHEERING]

VAL KILMER: I don't have a van.

I don't have a van.

I've got a bicycle.

I don't have a van.

I don't have a van.

Has it got tires?

[BABY CRYING]

MALE SPEAKER 5: Yes.

VAL KILMER: You're blessed.

MALE SPEAKER 5: How do I find a girlfriend, Val?

VAL KILMER: Are you kidding me?

MALE SPEAKER 5: I can't find a girlfriend.

VAL KILMER: You stand outside.

[COW NOISE]

VAL KILMER: You'll find one.

Not now.

Not now, madcap.

Woo, thank you very much!

You're beautiful!

[CROWD CHEERING]

VAL KILMER: Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD CHANTING "COTTON CANDY"]

VAL KILMER: Welcome to the Lotus Community Center.

Welcome to the Lotus Community Center.

Welcome to the Lotus Community Center.

Welcome to Lotus Community Center.

[TECHNO SONG PLAYING]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[OLD RUSSIAN PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

[SINGING IN RUSSIAN]

[RUSSIAN ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUMPING]

[THUMPING BEGINS]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

[THUMPING]

[THUMPING STOPS]

[SPACE MUSIC PLAYING]

[OUT OF TUNE PIANO PLAYING]

[OUT OF TUNE PIANO PLAYING]

[THUMPING BEGINS]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR BUZZING]

[COMPUTER BOOTING]

[OUT OF TUNE PIANO PLAYING]

[THUMPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[OUT OF TUNE PIANO PLAYING]

[RUSSIAN SINGING]

[PIANO MUSIC]

[OUT OF TUNE PIANO PLAYING]

[PIANO PLAYING]

[BEEPING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCKING]

[PLAYING THE OUT OF TUNE PIANO]

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

[BEEPING]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[SYNTH MUSIC]

[RUNNING WATER]

[SIREN]

[DOOR CREAKING]

[SPEAKING POLISH]

[HELICOPTER]

[INDIAN WHOOPING]

[SIREN]

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[TECHNO MUSIC]

[RADIO SPEECH]

[BELL RINGING]

[CRASHING]

[TV CHANNELS CHANGING]

[SPEAKERS SCREECHING, THEN SINGING]

[SIREN]

[HOWLING]

[SIREN]

[KNOCKING]

[DROPPING BOOKS]

[XYLOPHONE PLAYING]

[SINGING]

[SIREN]

[VIDEO GAME MUSIC]

[VIDEO GAME MUSIC]

[PIANO PLAYING]

[SIREN]

[RUNNING WATER]

[DOG BARKING]

[GUNSHOT]

[DOG BARKING]

[RUNNING WATER]

[HELICOPTER NOISE]

[RADIO BUZZING]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[SIREN]

[SIRENS GET LOUDER]

[SIRENS CONTINUE]

[GUNSHOT]

[SIREN]

[SIRENS CONTINUE]

[HELICOPTER SOUNDS]

[SIRENS CONTINUE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

VAL KILMER: Velvet killed Elvis.

But mentally, raise your hand if you're a fatty.

I'll take a vibe jack.

[MUSIC PLAYING]