Original subtitles

Previously on The Big Bang Theory...

The drug I've been working on

for the past five years just got approved by the FDA.

- Wow. - Oh. Congratulations.

Was that the decongestant you developed?

No, we had to rebrand that as a solvent for mining equipment.

It's her anti-inflammatory drug.

Oh.

Yep, three years of testing and no reported side effects.

- Hmm, so it works. - Eh.

Well, congratulations, I'm so happy for you.

Yeah, well, I'm happy for you

because I want you to head up my sales team.

Really? Me? Don't you want someone with more experience?

No, the job's all yours.

All right, now I'm sure some of you are wondering,

"Who is this woman?

"How did she get to be in charge of the sales team?

Is it because she's friends with Dr. Rostenkowski?"

Because she is.

"Is it because she was Miss Cornhusker 2001

and still fits in those very same jeans?"

Because she was, and she does

and they're actually a little baggy.

"And the absence of side effects means that Inflaminex

"can be taken in conjunction with other medications.

It's a brand-new day."

Such a good tagline, I forgot, who came up with that?

- You did. - That's right, I did.

Okay, I know it's late and I've been

working you guys really hard,

so I have a little treat for you.

- We get to go home? - No.

You get to stay here and get vitamin B12 shots.

Oh, my God. You guys are still here?

We're happy to be here. It's a brand-new day.

It's 12:15, it's literally a brand-new day.

Everybody go home.

All right, fine. Go, get out of here.

Go on.

I think things are going pretty good.

Are you aware that Dave's in the break room crying?

Yeah, I told him if he's gonna be a crybaby,

go to the break room.

I just really want to be prepared

for this conference. - You're gonna do great.

You really think so?

Of course; they're scared of you,

you're scared of me-- The system works.

♪ The Big Bang Theory 12x17 ♪ The Conference Valuation Original Air Dat

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Okay, Howie, I'm going.

- Have a great conference. - Thanks.

Remember, I'm leaving you with two babies.

I expect to see two babies when I get back,

and they better be the same two babies because I'll know.

I think I'm capable of babysitting.

Don't call it babysitting; they're your children.

It's called parenting.

What's the difference?

You don't get paid.

Now, the emergency contacts are on the fridge

and I left money for food on the table.

Oh, sounds like I do get paid.

Don't worry.

I got this covered.

I know you do.

Quick question, where are the kids right now?

They're upstairs.

- They're at daycare. - They're at daycare?

- They're upstairs! - Why are you messing with me?!

Wow. That's a lot of luggage for a weekend.

I know.

I didn't know what to wear, so I brought a few options.

Was one of the options the option to never come back?

I just really want this weekend to go well.

Doesn't answer my question, but okay.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And you're gonna do great.

Just relax, stay out of your head, and try to enjoy it.

Aw. That reminds me of what I said to you

the first time we slept together.

I still use it.

- It's a mantra. -Yeah.

Oh, thank goodness!

I caught you before you left.

I'm just going for the weekend.

Just the weekend.

You all heard her say it.

So, your convention is in San Diego, right?

Yes.

Great. I need you to settle a bet for Amy and me.

I say, when it's not Comic-Con,

no one will be dressed as superheroes.

Mm-hmm.

And I say fewer people will be dressed as superheroes

but still some.

A crazy person in a cape doesn't count.

Mm, why not? It counts at Comic-Con.

Also, if you get a chance to sneak into Hall H,

last year, I left my neck pillow under my seat.

Uh, third row, second from the aisle.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you. At least there will be

one superhero in San Diego.

So, Leonard, what are you gonna do while Penny's away?

I don't know.

Maybe watch a movie with subtitles.

If you're looking for something outside the norm,

I have invented a new chess variant

where the bishops can also move like knights.

What do you call that, Bishops Be Crazy?

First of all,

it would be "Bishops Are Crazy."

Not if you're being crazy.

Checkmate.

Hey, guys.

- Hey. - Hello.

Where are the kids?

I thought they were with you.

- What? No! I... - I'm kidding.

They're at daycare.

What about me makes you think my heart can handle that joke?

Hey.

You guys want to come hang out at my place this weekend?

So we can help you babysit?

Uh, it's not babysitting.

They're my children.

They're not our children.

Oh. Well, for you guys, then, it is babysitting.

No offense, Howard,

but I don't want to spend my weekend

around your loud, sticky babies.

You can't insult my kids. I am offended.

N-No, you can't be. I said "no offense."

That's like "no backsies" but for offense.

What do you say? We'll play some board games.

It'll be like a party.

Three guys playing a board game

doesn't sound like much of a party.

Someone doesn't remember college very well.

As opposed to the leading nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory,

our product

greatly reduces the risk of ulcers.

So it won't burn a hole in your stomach.

And it won't burn a hole in your wallet, either!

Okay.

I got this.

Thank you for stopping by.

It's a brand-new day!

- See? You're doing great. - Yeah.

Mediocre actress, great drug pusher.

Who knew?

Inflaminex, huh?

So what can you tell me about it?

- Well, we... - Oh, don't waste your time.

His name is Danny. He works for one of the other drug companies.

Hey, nothing wrong with checking out the competition.

Aw, we don't see you as competition.

You should.

Our anti-inflammatory is hitting the market this year, too.

Well, ours has zero drug interaction risk.

Yeah. So does an Altoid.

Speaking of Altoids,

why don't you go get one?

Okay.

Let's everyone calm down.

If you can't find a pill for that here,

then you're not trying hard enough.

It's all right.

I'll go.

I don't know what it is about that guy,

but he just gets on my nerves.

Well, you scared the bad man away.

Who's a good girl?

They're still asleep.

Apparently, when I put someone down for a nap,

they sleep hard.

That's a weird brag, Howard.

I'll get it.

Bernadette thinks I have poor parenting skills.

Maybe she's basing that on your poor husbanding skills.

Who can say?

I'm bad at a lot of things.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hey. I didn't think you were coming.

Um, I changed my mind.

I thought it'd be fun to spend some time with your children.

Where are the little scamps?

- "Scamps"? - I'm sorry.

Tykes. Rug rats.

What is the PC term these days?

What's going on?

We were in the bookstore, and I found this.

Experimenting with Babies:

50 Amazing Science Projects You Can Perform on Your Kid.

You can't experiment on his kids.

Yeah, you're not their father.

You can't experiment on my kids.

Fine. Can I at least play a game with them?

Perhaps...

How Developed is Your Peripheral Vision?

Mine's great. I saw that.

You know, these experiments are pretty harmless.

There's one where you just put the baby in front of a mirror

and you watch them watch themselves.

That sounds adorable. Let me see.

How come when she talks about experiments on babies,

you think it's adorable, but when I do it,

everyone gets upset?

I think I can speak for all of us.

You're just creepy.

No offense.

Hey, this one we can do with both Michael and Halley.

It's called Grabby Hands.

Wasn't that your nickname in high school?

No, it was Mama's Boy.

But the joke was on them, because I love my mom.

Guys, listen,

you secure them both in car seats

and slowly spin a toy

at the end of the string above them.

The younger baby tends to reach

with either hand,

and the older baby prefers the dominant hand.

That is kind of interesting.

And it's not really experimenting on the kids.

It's more like experimenting with the kids.

Well, I guess if you think about it,

it's kind of like playing games with them.

Okay, you know what,

when they wake up, we can try one or two of these.

Yay!

I said, "Yay!"

Thank you. It's a brand-new day.

Wow, we got a pretty good crowd here.

I know. But not as big as that booth.

What's going on over there?

Yeah, that's Chantix.

Ray Liotta's signing autographs until 2:00.

Hey, I thought we weren't supposed to have our phones

in the booth.

That's a "you" rule, not a "me" rule.

Hey, can I help you?

Actually, I'm looking for the bathroom.

Ah, yes. It's right next to the laxative booth.

Clever, right?

So we meet again.

Oh, yeah. Uh, Danny, right? How's your launch going?

Good.

Is Dr. Rostenkowski around?

No, she stepped out for a call, although I wouldn't be surprised

if she's in line to meet Ray Liotta.

Yeah. Something tells me she's not crazy about me.

Yeah. Something tells me that, too, and it was her.

Well, it doesn't matter, I was actually hoping to talk to you.

- Really? - Yeah.

You've done a terrific job with Inflaminex.

We're always on the lookout for great salespeople.

I think we could make you happy.

Uh, thanks, but I'm pretty happy.

- I could be more happy. - Tell it to your shrink, Karen.

Hey, Howie, everything okay?

Yeah, everything's great.

I was just wondering if we had any large barbecue tongs.

Uh, bottom left drawer. Are you guys grilling?

Nope, just playing games with the kids.

Why do you need tongs?

Love you, too, bye.

I-I bet Michael grabs it before Halley.

Not a chance.

Halley's a year older, you know she's gonna get it first.

I just think he wants it more. Come on.

Come on, you got this. You got this, Michael

Grab it. Grab it, Halley. I believe in you.

Oh! That was so close. Just keep on trying.

Hey. Hey, y-you guys want to make this more interesting?

By establishing a double-blind protocol

so we have a foundation to publish? Yes.

Look, here's my card. Maybe we can get a drink this weekend.

Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty busy.

I have to inventory all the giveaways.

Hey, beat it. Shoo.

So what did he want?

- Nothing. - He offered her a job.

No one likes a tattletale, Karen.

So, what's up, traitor?

Dammit, Karen.

Okay, you want to engage the babies.

The subjects.

- The babies. - Fine. The babies.

Baby-A and Baby-B.

Engage them for a minute and take note of their reactions.

There's something familiar about all this.

Okay, go.

Hello, baby.

Are you having a pleasant day?

Oh, my G-- This is my entire childhood.

Leonard, Leonard, you're tainting my data.

Uh, it's like word for word.

How much time is left? 35 seconds.

Oh really? He's not reacting at all.

Sheldon, he's a baby.

That's not how you talk to him, okay? J-Just watch.

Hey.

Halley.

Who's your favorite uncle?

Unka Koo.

I got a dud, let's switch.

Keep trying. It's for science.

Is that all I was to her?

Just an experiment?

Michael. Michael, you're making me look bad.

I-Interact with me.

He grabbed my finger.

Oh, he's smiling. I'm doing it.

- That's time. - Oh, really?

Can we do one more?

I think these guys need to get some food.

By pushing a lever at the end

of an obstacle course that we design?

No, by opening the door

to a hangar and letting the airplane fly in.

Although, Sheldon, maybe it could be an experiment.

Are you suggesting we color-code their food

so we can examine their diapers later?

Sure.

These diapers are gonna be full of data.

I never thought I would see Sheldon enjoying himself

around babies so much.

Yeah, how about that?

So he just happened to stumble upon a book

about experimenting with them the same day

we were hanging out with Howard's kids?

Yep, don't overthink it.

Oh, my God.

At sleepaway camp my cabin was called "Control Group."

I can't believe you took his business card.

I can't believe we're still talking about this.

He handed it to me. What was I supposed to do?

Hand it back to him and tell him

to stick it where the sun don't shine.

You are not serious.

Serious as the hepatitis

their cholesterol medication gave thousands of people.

Did it?

Maybe.

You're not really considering this, are you?

I don't know. It's kinda flattering.

Please, he's just using you to get to me.

Or he's trying to get to me

because I'm really good at my job.

Don't be so naive.

They're our number one competitor.

They have a rival drug coming out

with a name I wish we thought of-- Forsootha.

It's got "soothe" right in it.

How did we miss that?

You know, our brand recognition

is three times higher than theirs.

And I did that with a stupid product name and no assistant.

You only have this job because I gave it to you.

You know who else was begging you

to head up their sales team? Nobody.

Well, you know who's begging me now? Danny.

I can't believe this is how you thank me.

I thanked you by thanking you.

And I sent you that fancy box of pears.

What am I supposed to do with 20 pears?

Have a pear party?

Ooh, a juicy pear.

Where are the kids?

Oh, Sheldon's helping Howard give them a bath.

Hmm. So you really think

you can trick Sheldon into liking babies?

I slept with him; I married him.

You want to be against me?

Oh, you were right, Amy.

There were so many valuable experiments

to perform on them during bath time.

You don't say.

I do. I tested their object permanence with a rubber duck,

and we took a run at Archimede'' water displacement,

but that went right over their heads.

Well, I'm glad you had a good day.

I did. It's so funny,

we did all these experiments on them

and they didn't even notice.

I know, I was worried it would be obvious, but it wasn't.

I guess we should go and let Howard get them ready for bed.

Yeah. Do you think he'd let us come back and do some more?

Maybe we could take them to the park.

Smart. There'll be more babies.

It's a bigger sample size.

Where did Leonard go?

Just tell me the truth, Mother.

Was my whole childhood just one big experiment?

Of course not, dear.

It was thousands of small experiments.

So that's all I was to you, a-a test subject?

No, you were my baby and I found you fascinating.

Really?

Yes, watching you develop, tracking your progress.

I know I'm not the warmest of parents,

but it was time we spent together,

and, honestly, those are some of my fondest memories.

When did you stop?

Oh, I can't tell you, the experiment isn't over.

Zangen's a fine company.

They got a couple of good drugs,

but we control 60% of the market.

Hell, commissions on just our fungal creams

will put you in a new Mercedes.

Danny. Danny, look at me.

Does this face sell fungal creams?

No. This face is cholesterol drugs and above.

Playing hard to get, huh?

No one's ever accused me of that before.

Look, why don't I just give you a number and see what you think?

Ooh, are-are you gonna write it on a napkin

and slide it over to me?

No, I was just gonna say it.

- Aw. - Do you want me

to write it on a napkin and slide it over to you?

Yah.

You got it.

Danny, you rat bastard.

What? I'm just making your friend an offer.

Yeah, he's writing it on a napkin like in the movies.

That's not an offer.

Do you know how amazing this girl is?

- Aw. You think I'm amazing? - Stay out of this.

I'm serious..

Not only is she a helluva salesperson,

she's the hardest worker I've ever seen.

I know, that's why I'm trying to steal her from you.

Well, then you're gonna have to do a lot better than this,

because I promise you,

I'm not gonna let her go without a fight.

You do not want that, she's a biter.

Just think about it.

You know, I don't have to.

Thanks, but I'm happy where I am.

Let's go.

Can I just see what he wrote on the napkin?

What napkin?

You know, spending time with Michael and Halley today

really made me think about our future children.

Huh, what an interesting

and completely unforeseen development.

What are you thinking?

Well, I just can't decide.

Either five sets of triplets

or three sets of quintuplets.

You know what? It doesn't matter as long as they're healthy.

And divisible by three.

That's a lot of babies, Sheldon.

Oh, only for humans.

For frogs, it's just a drop in the bucket.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not a frog.

Oh, don't feel bad, Amy.

You're good enough for me.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man