All language subtitles for Slutever s02e03 Poly Love.eng

KARLEY:
Would you ever have sex with both of them in the same day?

In the same day, I have,
and I would, yeah, so, yes.

And you guys are okay
with that?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

I have
a lot of stamina.

♪♪

KARLEY:
As a self-identified slut,

I've never been great
at monogamy.

The problem is, I've tried
open relationship in the past,

but I always morphed
into a jealous demon

whenever my partner
banged someone else.

[ Demon growls ]

Basically, I wanted to let
my ho flag fly

while my partner stayed
locked in a cage.

Is that unfair?

I can't help but wonder,
is it actually possible

to fuck and love multiple
people at the same time

and not go crazy?

♪♪

From the "open-relationship"
option on Facebook

to mega-successful books
on nonmonogamy,

lately it feels like every woke
Tinder brother and their mom

is in an open relationship,
so I want to know,

when it comes to
open relationships,

how DTF are people actually?

Would you ever want to be in
an open relationship?

-Yeah.
-Sure.

Yes.

If I get to have more
than one partner,

then I'm pretty fine
with it, you feel me?

You only like once,
so YOLO.

I think monogamy
is kind of a myth.

I think it came along
with religion

and social pressures,
I guess.

And monogamy has made
women into possessions.

Yeah.

Are you guys in
a monogamous relationship?

-Yes.
-Yes.

[ Laughs ]

What do you think
if you had a girlfriend,

and she had
a boyfriend?

Um...

It just sounds
like more mess.

It's a lot of negotiation,
a lot of time management.

It's project management.
It's everything.

You can't spend money on a woman
and another woman.

It's expensive.Yeah.

I don't got that money.

You got that?
No.

Ah, see.

[ Cash register dings ]

KARLEY: So it seems like
the horny masses

are at least poly-curious,

but deprogramming everything
we've learned about love

and social norms
seems like a hassle, honestly.

If only there was a slutty guru
who could lead the way.

I'm about to meet Effy Blue,
who's a relationship coach

who specializes
in coaching people

who are trying to form any kind
of nonmonogamous relationship.

If someone doesn't want
to be monogamous,

what are their options?

So monogamy is defined,
shorthand,

essentially with
fidelity, right?

We say "fidelity."

You don't fuck anybody else,

you're in a monogamous
relationship,

and then when you sort of
step into nonmonogamy,

you have options.

You can swing.

You can be in an open
relationship,

or you can be polyamorous --

so poly, many, amory,
loves, many loves.

Polyamory is nurturing
multiple loving,

long-term relationships
at the same time.

For most of my life,
I've been pretty slutty.

Mm-hmm.
Welcome.

You're in good company.

[ Both laugh ]

In my late 20s,
I spent a couple years

in an open relationship,

and it surprised me
that it really didn't work out.

I would compare myself
to the other women

and, like, want to kill them,
stuff like that.

So first of all,
jealousy is a human emotion.

No one is above it,
and what jealousy does is

that it shines a spotlight
into that part of you

that you need
to do the work with.

It's like an opportunity
for self-examination.

Yeah.
Annoying.

I know.

Yes, it's harder
at the beginning,

but if you do the work
over time,

it actually gets easier
down the line.

Aside from coaching,
I host a monthly event

called Polyamory 101,
and everyone is welcome.

Effy:
Good evening, everyone.

Thank you for coming
to Curious Fox.

I'm going
to let my panelists

introduce themselves,
and I'm going to start...

I was going to say,
you're looking at me.

[ Laughter ]Exactly, I'm going
to start with Lola.

So I'm Lola,
A.K.A. Dirty Lola.

I'm a sex educator/
performer/dildo slinger.

[ Laughter ]

I'm Ari, and I'm married
to this lovely lady here.

We were introduced
by an ex-lover of mine.

Hey, I'm Diane,
and I've actually had

a few dates recently with
this guy here.

[ Laughter ]

So I'll pass
this on to you.

So I'm Andrew.
I have another relationship

with Effy, and...

I'm not dating
anybody up here.

[ Laughter ]

Effy: When people say, "Poly,"

it can mean
so many different things,

and actually we've brought
a white board here to show you

the different structures
that polyamory can come.

So a "V" is,
essentially you have

one person
dating two people.

So for example, I'm in a "V"
with Andrew and Beth,

and Andrew is the hinge.

Some people are in a "Z,"

so you have two people
that are in a relationship,

and you have two other people
that are in a relationship,

and then one of the couple
will be in a relationship.

A triad or a thrupple,
essentially is three people

that are in a relationship
like this.

If you have, like, four people,
they can, like,

be all in a relationship
together like this.

KARLEY: Wait, when did I sign up
for a geometry course?

Being slutty is randomly
complicated.

Effy:
Is there anything that I missed?

-Hmm.
-This is, like, all the shapes.

-Yeah.
-So now we're going to open up

to the floor for you guys to ask
any questions that you have.

So once you guys have
more than one relationship,

do you ever have
any jealousy?

Diane: You know, jealousy
pops up in weird ways.

You could feel okay about
something intellectually,

but emotionally,
you just have this gut reaction.

There was one time
he was dating someone,

and it was getting
pretty serious.

We had pretty strict agreements
written out.

You know, like one of them,
for example,

was no anal sex
with other people,

but then I realized,
I don't care if you have

anal sex with other people,
but then one day he mentioned

that he was going on
an afternoon picnic with a date,

and I almost had
a heart attack

because I was like,
you know, anal sex is fine,

but a picnic
just feels too intimate.

[ Laughter ]So...

So I was in a poly relationship
a long time, years ago,

and my then-wife was having
a lot more fun than me,

and I was getting
really jealous.

We've noticed
that we have a seesaw, like...

Mm-hmm....when she's dating

a lot of people,
like, I'm not.

Yeah.And then when I'm dating

a lot of people,
then she's not.

Nothing is ever
100% equal in anything.

Don't sweat it.

If it's really unbalanced, and
that makes you uncomfortable,

like, shouldn't you
be allowed to be like,

"Yeah, like, slow down."

It's not monogamy.

You don't get to tell
anybody who to love

and how to love
and how often to love.

You an request, like,
you need to be making agreements

about what you're doing,
but it's hard.

It's hard.

I think it's important
to realize that in the moment

comes up when you might
feel jealous, you have options.

You can feel jealous,
or you can find that

joy and celebration
in your partner's happiness.

In Buddhism,
they call it mudita.

In poly,
we call it compersion.

KARLEY: Compersion?

When I first discovered
this word, "compersion,"

it just created
a lot of clarity for me

because otherwise you can't make
multiple relationships work.

Interesting.

Does this made-up word,
"compersion,"

hold the key
to a jealousy-free existence?

Effy: Thank you for coming.
I hope this was helpful.

[ Applause ]

KARLEY: So all of this sounds
good in theory,

but is it actually possible
to feel joy

when your partner finds
a fuck buddy.

L.T.: The scariest place for
jealousy is in your imagination.

What are you guys
into sexually?

Pile ons.

-Yeah.
-What's a pile on?

We have sex, and, like,
we have sex,

but we do not
all have sex together.

KARLEY: It's pretty clear
that for most people,

the biggest hurdle to being

in a polyamorous relationship
is jealousy,

so I am here outside
of a poly wrestling class

where people attempt to work out
their possessiveness issues

by slamming into each other.

Let's see how this works.

So I'm Coach L.T., and welcome
to Compersion Wrestling.

"Compersion" is a word
that is typically used

in the ethical nonmonogamy
or the polyamorous community.

It means finding joy seeing
your partner experience joy.

You're going to have a partner
that you're familiar with.

You're going to have a partner
you just met today.

You're going to have
new partners.

You may see an old partner.

In order to be successful,
you have to put yourself

in a position
where you're also vulnerable.

It's just working on, "How do
I deal with that vulnerability?"

KARLEY: Wait, so tackling
your boyfriend's girlfriend

is suddenly going to flip
your jealousy

into this weird
compersion thing?

I'm not following.

So what's the deal
with compersion?

That's a made-up word,
right?

We do experience the feeling
of compersion

in many aspects of our lives,
so if my friend calls me

and say,
"Hey, I got a brand-new job.

I'm super happy,"
you're never like,

"Oh, fuck you. You suck."
Right?

So it's more like,
"That's awesome."

So the goal would be
to hear that your partner

had this amazing sex with
someone they met on the subway

and for you to be like,
"I'm so happy for you?"

Yes. I don't want
to resent someone

because they don't feel good
about me being happy.

Woman: You can try to move,

but I'm going to have
you locked right here.

How does wrestling
specifically help people

to deal with jealousy?

Here is an opportunity to be
able to see your partner

engaging
with another person,

maybe someone that
they're already dating,

in a very intimate way.

You can start asking yourself
what feelings are coming up

and why are they
coming up that way?

It's a way to kind of combine
something super fun

to take some of the edge
off confronting these ideas.

Right.

Honestly, running away
and hiding from jealousy

since usually my M.O.

Who are these maniacs
who actually show up

to confront jealousy?

Can I ask you guys
some questions?

-Sure.
-What it your guys'

relationship structure?

Are you guys together
in a polycule?

I've been dating Patrizia
for about 2, 2 1/2 years,

and Kat and I only met
about a month ago.

Are you new to
ethical nonmonogamy

or just new
to this relationship?

New to both.

So what do you think
this class might help with?

Definitely
the sharing aspect.

Yeah, I've never had to share
a person before.

All right.
So...

Okay.I go this way...

So...Yes.

L.T.: The scariest
place for jealousy

is in your imagination.

It's what these people do
together when you're not around,

and here is a chance to see them
just doing something silly,

and you also get to see
why it makes them happy,

but I what I tell people is,
it's a class.

It's not a cure.

Lay down.So you're not going to

leave the class
feeling like,

"Oh, I'm now
the compersion guru."

It's not that.
It's the first step.

It seems like
a lot of work.

Personal development is not
about being easy, you know?

It's about improving.
I know. Exactly, right?

It's something
we need to do.

If I was going in
any kind of direction,

you were actually keeping very,
very good position there.

Good job.

KARLEY: All this wrestling,
does it make you feel

more empowered to explore
the idea of compersion?

Yeah, I like the concept
of compersion.

It's appealing.

Polyamory, I'm still on
the fence about that,

like, honestly.

KARLEY: Yeah.
I feel you.

So even if you're one of these
enlightened people

who can transcend your jealousy,
is the day-to-day struggle

of making a poly relationship
work actually worth it?

I'm on my way to meet Sierra,

a woman who's currently
in two relationships --

one with her long-term partner,
Alec, and another with Markus,

who just joined their triad
three months ago.

She's, like, super busy.

[ Food sizzling ]

So, what are we ordering?

Okay, so Markus
doesn't like bagels,

so Alec is going to
get a poppy seed bagel.

That's what he gets
every morning,

and then I'm going to get
Markus a chopped cheese.

I don't even feel like
I can remember what, like,

my one boyfriend
wants to eat.

[ Laughs ]

Do you say that they're
both your boyfriends, or...

Yeah.
And are you like,

"This is my primary
boyfriend," or like,

"my top-tier boyfriend"?

Everyone is aware that Alec
is my primary partner.

It's like the same way
that like if you have

an emergency contact
at work, like,

you have
an emergency contact.

You know who that it is.
Like, that's not Markus.

It's Alec, so pretending
that they're equal

would not benefit anyone,
you know?

I like the idea of this,
like, emergency contact

over primary partner.

Yeah. There you go.

I want to meet them.
Yes.

They're very sweet.
They're at the house.

We can go.

KARLEY:
How does sex happen?

Do you have to schedule...Google Document.

-Yes.
-It's a Google Doc, yeah.

KARLEY: So, I'm hanging out
with Sierra,

who is about to introduce me
to her two boyfriends.

I want to find out,
is a polyamorous relationship

worth all the effort?

-Hey.
-Breakfast!

So I got a bagel for you.

Here you go, babe.Oh, thank you so much.

And I have chopped cheese
for you.

See if it's good, though.
I got all the stuff on it, okay?

♪ Whoo!

KARLEY: So what does your
relationship look like?

I call him boyfriend.
I call him boyfriend.

He calls me girlfriend.
He calls me girlfriend.

We have sex, and, like,
we have sex, but we do not

all have sex together,
so I think that some people...

Maybe that's what they do
in their relationship,

or they're looking for that.

That's not what
we're looking for.

KARLEY: So obviously you guys
have separate relationships.

Mm-hmm.
It's open.

Sierra: Not just sex.
Love.

We can do everything, yeah.

The goal would be
to love other people.

The more love, the better.

Like, this is an additive
model for love here.

KARLEY: Are you in love
with both of them?

I am.

I think it's threatening
because you just feel like,

what if you love someone
more than you love me?

Sierra:
That's a big one.

Alec will bring up to me
sometimes, like,

"Hey, I haven't had
enough time with you

because you've been spending
a lot of time with Markus.

Can we plan, like,
a getaway together?"

And, like, we'll do that.

We have so much Euro.
We need to save all this Euro.

We might go to Europe.Yeah, because...

There's a lot of Euros.

And that's been really
important for me to, like,

move things aside in order to
respect that with him.

Say cheers to us.
[ Laughs ]

And the same thing, like,
with Markus.

He needs a lot of
emotional support,

so that time management is
something that comes into play.

Do you think people
who are poly are,

like, better
or more evolved...

[ Laughs ] No....than monogamous people?

No, not at all.

There's certain types
of relationships

that I genuinely cannot do.

This is just one
that works for me.

I felt like a failure
doing monogamy.

I really did.

You just have to be
so good at communication

for this to work.

You have to like
communicating.

We're going to be in Japan
in less than a month,

so we need to know
at least four phrases.

-You're welcome.
-What is, like,

"Excuse me because
I bumped you on the train?

That's the only one
I need to know.

-Sumimasen.
-Sumimasen.

KARLEY: Markus has only been
doing this poly thing

for three months,
so, as a newbie,

is he, like, freaking out?

Because I would be.

When you met, and she
told you that she was poly,

what did you think?

I was overwhelmed
at first.

I'm not going lie
because I had been

monogamous
up until that point.

Is this really going to be
a real connection?

Like, can someone really love
two people at once,

and, like, a lot of things
came into my head,

but just seeing how
her and Alec interact,

it's different from the way
me and her interact,

so it works, in a sense.

It takes away a lot
of the jealousy I had,

and because most of
the jealousy I had stemmed

from not having met
Alec first.

Do you think that meeting them
has changed the way

you think about love
and relationships on a whole?

Definitely.

Being monogamous,
it does have its perks,

but the one thing it doesn't
allow for is much freedom.

I feel like poly allows for
that, and not only that,

but it allows for
a deeper connection

because there has to be
that level of communication,

that level of trust there.

Do you ever get sick
of talking though?

Not when there's
good conversation.

Fine.

KARLEY: Okay,
but with all this talking,

is there even time for sex?

Sierra: Come here.
[ Clicking tongue ]

Come here.

KARLEY: So if you guys all spend
so much time together,

how does sex happen?

Like, do you have
to schedule...

-Google Document.
-Yes.

[ Laughs ] Really?It's a Google Doc. Yeah.

-Here you go, baby.
-Yeah.

Like, do you have to
pre-schedule

your own sex time slots,
or are you just like,

"I'm going to go now
to the other room,

and you have
to wait outside?"

[ Laughs ] I think mainly
it's like, if you know

I'm in the house,
or we know

we're in the house,
we communicate.

One time we [bleep] up,
and me and Markus

came home,
like, earlier or something,

and then Alec also came home
from work much earlier

than expected,
and so we ran into each other,

and then we were trying
to have, like, a date.

I just at a certain point
was like,

"Alec, would you mind leaving
so me and Markus can have sex?"

and he was like, "Yeah,"
and he, like, got up and left.

And you guys
are okay with that?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Alec: I don't actually really
have a particular problem

with it because, like,
you don't have to necessarily

rely on one person to get
everything that you need

emotionally or physically,
you know what I mean?

I mean, that's the other
really big thing

that happens
in this relationship,

but, like, Markus is black,
and I'm black,

and we get to be
black together.

I can't be black with Alec.
You know what I mean?

So, like, I had been with Alec
for a very long time.

I have this great
relationship with him,

but there was this lacking area
that just made me sad

that I wasn't able to connect
with him on race.

I don't have to, like,
force Alec to, like,

know everything
about my culture.

I can get that
from somebody else,

and we can still have
our relationship.

So it's almost like you're
different versions of yourself

with each of them.
Yeah.

Well, you get to, like,
tap into different areas

that you don't necessarily
have as much access to

with one person.

You can tap into it
with multiple people.

I have felt in my life,
it's been ridiculous

when I have expected someone
to be my everything,

and then it's just crashed
and burned because nobody

is perfect, you know?
Yeah.

I guess it's kind of asking
a lot of someone to be...

To be everyone's
one and only? Yeah.

KARLEY: I learned so much
from hanging out with them.

By having multiple partners,
it means that you're less

demanding of
each specific partner,

which means that you can
actually have, like,

a better, healthier relationship
with each of them.

But let's be real.

How in the world do you
find multiple people

who you can stand hanging out

with who all fit into
the perfect poly puzzle?

Welcome to
poly speed dating.

Hello.

-Hey.
-Karley.

-Yoni?
-Yes.

Isn't that the name
for vagina?

Yeah.

KARLEY: So I've learned that
in order to be in

a poly relationship, you have to
face your insecurities

and be horny for communication,

so I imagine first dates
for poly people

get to real talk real fast.

Sounds terrifying.

Let's go check it out.

Welcome to Hacienda
poly speed dating.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So this is called
poly speed dating,

but I'm sure there are
many different types

of relationship styles
in this room,

and I think that that's a great
first question to start off

as we go
through the rounds.

There's only one rule
at Hacienda,

which is consent,
so just ask before you touch.

Note to self --
no nonconsensual groping.

Okay. Begin.

[ Bell dinging ]

Hello.
Karley.

-Yoni?
-Yes.

Isn't that
the name for a vagina?

Interesting.

So are you guys poly?

So you guys date other people
separately as well as together?

Are you in a relationship
right now?

You're in several
relationships?

Yes.How many relationships
are you in?

Three?
You must be really busy.

[ Bell dinging ]

KARLEY: Whoa. These sluts
already have packed iCals.

What else could they be
looking for?

What are you guys
into sexually?

What's a pile on?

Yeah, this is certainly
not normal first-date convo.

I thought you weren't supposed
to be your true self

until at least a year in.

[ Bell dinging ]

Why now are you looking to
create a poly relationship?

So you think poly will open up
the door to be like,

"I can have, like, a slave,
and then I can have someone

who I have dinner
with who doesn't necessarily

have to be the same person
who, like, I whip."

A fetish of mine?

The bar in this room
is raised a little bit.

Okay.
So what do I like?

Um...

Biting I like.
I like being blindfolded.

I kind of like being punished,
being called, like,

a slut and being just,
like, really "degraded"

but in a way where the person
respects my boundaries.

KARLEY: Wow.
These people really create

an environment that makes
you feel free to open up.

Talk about word vomit.

So basically having
freedom is better

than being locked in a cage.

Duh.

While loosening the reins
on your relationship

can be literally
terrifying, news flash,

only banging on person for life
also has its difficulties.

Relationships are hard work

whether you're just fucking
one person in the hot tub or 10.

But if you value sexual freedom
and get off on communication,

maybe you're
one of the lucky ones

who can have it all
and then some.

Lots of love, sluts.

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