Original subtitles

Hey. How's my little buddy doing?

Well, he's still got that goop in his eye, but otherwise, fine.

I meant Tammy. I miss her.

Oh, please. You miss her doing your job for you.

Yeah, exactly. So when do I get her back?

Sorry, babe, Tammy's really helping me get things ready

- for our grand opening. - Isn't she a beaut?

Hold on a second, Bon...

Hey, really nice.

I'll be in the men's room.

Good choice. Oh, hey.

You looking for high arc,

low arc, straight shot?

- Your call. - He trusts me. Sweet!

Oh, my God, you've got her installing toilets?

That's so degrading.

Yeah. What do you need her for?

Installing a toilet. Love you. Bye.

If my fiancé didn't have oral sex down to a science

I would've left him a long time ago.

So, this is my mother, Bonnie.

- Mom, this is Stacy. - Hi. Nice to meet you.

Ooh, I should probably wash my hands first.

I've been pulling rats out of traps all morning.

- We're studying, Mom. - Got it.

Hey, Stacy, is that your motorcycle out front?

- No. - It's really cool.

Sweet shade of blue, real vintage-y vibe.

Still not hers, Mom.

Good. 'Cause I was gonna say,

you're a little small for a big bike like that.

She drives a Prius, Mom.

Prius, huh? Do strangers just hop into your back seat

thinking you're an Uber driver?

'Cause on the news, they say that happens a lot.

- Mom! - Christy!

Sorry.

It's okay. I have one of those, too.

Oh, you don't have one of those.

No one's got one of those.

Do you listen to that podcast, The Mother of All Problems?

- No. What is it? - This woman tells

these crazy-ass stories about her mother.

It'll make you grateful for the mom you have.

Christy!

I'm stranded on the bowl!

Need another roll!

Oh, I love it when this happens.

Sometimes I get a whole hour.

Hey, listeners.

Welcome to my podcast, The Mother of All Problems.

I'm your host, Violet.

Violet? My Violet?

The holidays are around the corner,

so great time to dive into horror stories

about growing up with a drunken stripper

who I unfortunately had to call Mommy.

Wait, I'm the Mother of All Problems?!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

So, when does Adam's bar open?

One week from today.

I can't believe our dream is finally coming true.

Wait a minute... your dream?

You've been complaining since he bought it.

That's not how I remember it.

You said Adam has no experience,

no business plan, and I quote, "He's so stupid,

I can't believe how stupid he is."

I said, "That's not how I remember it."

My daughter has a podcast

about what a terrible mother I am.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. Mm-mmm.

Tell us everything.

Well, I was bitching to my study partner

about what a horrible mom you are,

and she told me about this podcast that would cheer me up.

It did not.

Violet never mentioned it to you?

We haven't spoken in over a year.

She asked for space, and, being the healthy mother

in recovery that I am, I knew it was important

to respect her wishes.

And she changed her number.

How bad is it?

Really bad. Couldn't be worse.

She tells the truth.

What? The irony of this is delicious.

I remember this one night

my mom barged into my room, drunk off her ass,

and started yelling at me for stealing her car.

Turned out she left the car at a 7-Eleven,

which I figured out while cleaning up the Slurpee

she threw up in my closet.

Wild cherry, if anyone was wondering.

So, cheer up, Lisa from Portland,

your mom's minivan getting repossessed

might be a good thing.

- Our next e-mail is... - Turn it off.

From Dan in Tex...

I have to move.

Are they sending people to Mars yet?

Honey, I know this is hard.

I remember how humiliating it was

when my son brought a picture of me

to school for show and tell.

- What's wrong with that? - It was my mug shot.

Okay, that's bad.

But Violet is telling thousands of people

every awful thing I ever did.

Hundreds of thousands.

- Wendy! - Wendy! - Wendy!

The episodes have clever titles.

Let's listen to "Jell-O Shots and the Truth About Santa."

That's enough. We're done listening.

- Thanks. - Ooh! There's one called

"My Grandmother, the Life Preserver."

Well, maybe we have time for one more.

No. Please don't tell the school bus story.

Not true!

Only one of my boobs popped out!

Still going, huh?

I can't stop. I keep thinking,

"Maybe in the next episode she'll say something nice."

Quit torturing yourself.

Easy for you to say... she calls you the Life Preserver.

I know. It's so sweet.

Adorable. I just wish Violet would hate me to my face

and stop venting for the world to hear.

Look, you've got two choices.

You can either keep listening to the podcast

and feel for yourself, or you could just call her.

You're right.

Okay, you have one choice.

How can I call her? I don't even have her number.

She changed it, because... In case you forgot...

I am the Mother of All Problems.

- I have her number. - What?

Well, it's not called The Grandmother of All Problems.

In fact, you should call her from my phone. That way she'll answer.

- God, you're shady. - What are you waiting for?

I need to figure out what I'm gonna say first.

Don't think about it. Just speak from your heart.

Also, it's ringing.

Oh, good. Voice mail.

Just don't do that weird thing you always do.

- What weird thing? - Hi! Violet!

It's me, your mom.

Uh... so, doot-dah-doo...

That's the weird thing.

So, heard your podcast.

Would love to chitty-chat about that.

Or anything.

I haven't talked to you in such a long time.

Of course, I'm not the one who changed her number.

But not pointing fingers.

Doot-dah-doo.

Hey, good news.

I'm in law school now.

Yep. Learnin' about torts.

Turns out they're not just dessert.

Wrap it up.

Okay, well, uh...

it's me, your mom, Christy.

End of voice mail.

Boy, I was wrong... you should have thought about it first.

Wow!

This place looks fantastic!

It's even better than we dreamed it.

I made a huge mistake.

Well, I'm not giving the ring back.

The bar is never gonna work, lady.

What happened here?

I was picking beers.

By drinking them.

So many people are gonna have to come in this place

and spend so much money for this joint to work.

This chair...

has to bring in a thousand dollars a week,

and-and this chair and this chair...

and nobody's gonna want to sit in that chair,

'cause it's right under the air conditioning.

Aw, honey, I think you're just having

a case of pre-opening jitters. Completely normal.

I have no experience, and I spent all of my money.

Why would I do that?

Well, that's exactly what...

Okay.

When I asked you that very question,

you confidently replied that you have a dream

that's important to you,

and you want to feel like your life has purpose again.

"Purpose" sounds like "porpoise."

Hey, boss, your coasters just arrived.

Ugh. I bought 10,000 of 'em... 10,000!

- The delivery guy needs a check, so... - Not now!

Oh. Family drama. I'll go flirt with him.

Do you know how many drinks I have to sell

to use 10,000 coasters?

- Ten thousand? - I don't know, maybe.

Look at me. Adam, look at me.

You have overcome far bigger obstacles than opening a bar.

You were a successful Hollywood stuntman.

How many people can say that?

You fought your way back from a terrible accident.

How many people can say that?

You are in a successful relationship with me,

and I can tell you, no one has ever been able to say that.

I hired waitresses.

I hired a bartender.

They're gonna want to be paid... with money.

You're gonna make it work, and you're not gonna do it alone.

I know. I hired waitresses.

- I hired a bartender. I... - Now...

zip, zip, zip it.

The point is this bar is gonna be a huge success.

It's gonna blow up!

Yes. We could blow it up and collect the insurance money.

That's ridiculous.

It's also much more difficult than you think.

Okay, State of Washington v. International Shoe. Go.

Stacy.

I wasn't gonna say anything, but I know who you are.

You're the Mother of All Problems.

Son of a bitch.

How'd you find out?

I guess you haven't listened to today's podcast.

So, my mom left me a voice mail.

I can't tell if it's sincere or deeply manipulative.

- So you decide. - Oh, no.

Hi! Violet!

It's me, your mom.

So, um...

- doot-dah-doo... - Turn it off.

I... know this may not be the best time to ask,

but did you really take her to a birthday party

and not come back for two days?

Yes. But the family I left her with

gave her sushi for the first time that weekend.

Does she mention that?

I'm asking. Does she mention that?

Sorry.

Wow. Stacy. Well,

I got to tell you, you're back and the motorcycle's back.

If it's really not yours, somebody's following you.

Oh, my God, you're the Life Preserver.

Yes, I am. Would you like a picture?

Yes.

Honey, do you mind?

Scrunch together.

I thought I was leaving that voice mail for one person,

not everyone in the world.

I have a question.

What's "doot-dah-doo"?

Not now, Jill.

I thought when I got sober all this stuff

with Violet would get better.

Well, you've gotten better.

You're not who you were, and that's a big deal.

I just wish she could see that.

- You should tell her. - But in person.

Doot-dah-do not leave another message.

What do you think, Marjorie?

I might be the wrong person to ask.

I don't have a relationship with my son.

So all I can do is focus on my sobriety

and hope that one day he'll forgive me.

Oh, poo to that.

My mom died before we were able to figure out our stuff.

Don't wait. You could die, Christy.

And call your son, 'cause you're definitely gonna die before her.

New bar opening this Friday. Free wings with this flyer.

New bar. Free wings.

Flyer. Free.

Wings. New.

Where have you been?

Trying to make sure Adam doesn't go broke

because of his stupid idea.

But you said it was a dream you shared.

Not how I remember it.

You are each responsible

for bringing ten people to the opening.

So, what'd I miss?

My death is imminent.

Cool, what else?

Jill and Wendy think I should go see Violet.

I agree.

Even if I wanted to, I don't know where she lives.

I do. I mean, I could probably figure it out. Okay, I've been there.

This is the part where you knock.

I'm too nervous. You do it.

What the hell was that?

I don't know. You made me overthink it.

Hi, Grandma. Violet. Mm!

- Hi, Violet. - Hi.

You weren't supposed to tell her where I live.

I'm sorry, but I was caught in the middle,

and my instinct is always to heal.

It's not Grandma's fault. I made her tell me.

Well, you're here, so... come on in.

Ah. Oh, this is a great setup.

Luke must be doing well.

Actually, Mom, Luke isn't in the picture anymore.

But thank you for assuming I couldn't pull this off on my own.

- Strike one. - You're doing great.

So...

you are obviously here to talk about the podcast.

Yes, I am.

So... ?

So...

I know you had a difficult childhood,

and I'm glad you found a way to process it.

I don't really need your approval, but okay.

Here's the thing you need to know.

What? You know I love pretzels.

The person you've been talking about

isn't who I am anymore. I've changed.

It's true, she has.

But the podcast is about being raised by an alcoholic mother,

which I was... The damage is already done.

She's got you there.

Well...

can you at least tell your listeners I'm sober now

and trying to clean up the mess I made?

I got to say, that seems reasonable.

Okay.

Thank you.

Put these on, talk into this,

and if you're chewing any gum, spit it out.

What's happening?

We're doing a podcast.

If you want people to hear your side, tell them.

Oh. You can't just do an episode called

- "My Mom's Doin' Good Now"? - No.

Wait. This is all you need, and you make money from it?

Not a ton, but yeah.

I am definitely starting a podcast.

Sober woman marrying a guy in a wheelchair,

sing a couple of songs... Something for everybody.

And here we... go.

- I'm not ready. - It's okay. Take your time.

Three, two, one.

Hello, people.

While I was deciding whether or not to talk to my mom,

she took that choice away from me by showing up.

So now here she is with her side.

That's you. You're her mom.

Um, okay.

Hello.

I, uh, I'm Christie,

and, um...

I'm Violet's, um, mom,

and, um...

Wait, I said "um" too much. Can we start it again?

No.

Okay. Um...

Well, I guess if I'm gonna tell my side,

I should start at the beginning.

I was conceived in a van.

Well, technically, it was a minibus,

and it was way more normal for people

to have sex in vehicles back then.

Also, this is Life Preserver. Hello to all my fans.

I'm actually sponsoring three women.

They call me with their problems, and I help them.

So what I'm trying to say is yes,

all those horrible stories you've told about me are true.

But... nowadays, my idea of a good time

is hitting a meeting and going to coffee with my friends.

I've changed.

If I say I'm gonna be somewhere, I'm there.

I pay my bills. I keep my promises.

That's who I am now.

Anyway...

that's my side.

Thanks for letting me tell it.

First, I want to say, um...

you sound really good.

Clearly, you've done a lot of work on yourself,

and I'm happy for you.

Thanks.

But here's the thing.

I missed out on being a child.

When most kids were just showing up to school

and focusing on algebra, I was always worried

about what was going on at home.

I could never bring friends over,

because I didn't know what we would be walking into.

When I should have just been going to ballet

and Rollerblading,

I was the one that was home cleaning the house

and cooking dinner and making sure that bills got paid.

I would see you passed out on the couch

and not even know if you were gonna wake up.

I worried about stuff

that no kid should ever have to worry about.

Violet, I am so sorry.

I wish I could go back in time

and be the mother you deserved.

I wish that, too.

What do you say we build from here?

I really want to be in your life.

Actually, it's been really good not having you in my life.

I'm finally in a healthy place right now, and I think

that what would be best for me is to not

have a relationship with you.

Oh.

But thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

Okay.

Seriously, thank you for doing that.

It's actually gonna be a really good episode.

So we're done?

Yeah. It was great to see you, Grandma.

It's great to see you, too, sweetie.

- Bye, Mom. - Bye.

You okay? Mm.

Mm.

I know that's...

not how you wanted that to go down, but...

remember...

five years ago,

this right here wouldn't have been possible.

I'm sure you'd rather be... at home

curled up in the fetal position,

watching The Real Housewives of...

somewhere...

but it means a lot to me that you showed up.

It's okay. Kind of like the old days,

only now I'm drowning my sorrows in hot wings.

- And these are hot. - Yeah.

I actually can't feel my lips.

You know...

the podcast hasn't aired yet.

I could break into Violet's apartment,

destroy the tapes... Problem solved.

First of all, no one uses tapes anymore.

And also, I don't want to destroy the podcast.

It's helping her. And probably other people.

Ah, look at you, eating chicken and taking the high road.

You know...

all of this has made me realize I owe you an apology.

Awesome.

Why?

Because I focused too much on who you were

and not enough on the person you've become. I'm sorry.

Aw. Thank you.

So from here on out,

I promise I will only get mad at you

for the things you do in the present.

And I promise to give you plenty to work with.

Hey. You use the urinal?

- Yeah. - Were you happy with the trajectory?

- I guess. - Hot guy says yes.

There he is, Mr. Successful Bar Owner.

Oh, you must be thrilled. Look at all the people.

Yeah, yeah, big turnout.

- I did that. - Yes, you did.

You brought 75 sober people to a bar.

I'm running out of Diet Coke.

Also, next time you promise everyone free wings,

don't do that.

- Hey, congratulations. - Yeah, this place is so cute.

Thanks. What can I get you ladies?

- An iced tea. - Me too. - Cranberry juice.

I don't have an infection. I just like it.

I sunk my life savings into a lemonade stand.

Okay, so, a guy asked me for my number.

I have a date. Or he wants me to do work on his house.

But either way, yay!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --