Original subtitles

Previously on Hap and Leonard

Oh oh oh, you crack smoking mother.

Went down to Grovetown the other day.

I want you to go down there and bring her home.

I do this for you,

you gotta let Leonard out of jail now.

Tonight.

Grovetown don't like black folk.

Klan's alive and kickin' there.

Place look like a goddamn Hallmark card.

I'm beginning to appreciate the quaintness of this town.

_

God!

Ho-Ho Mambo Original air date March, 15th 2018

Synced and corrected by LittleDuck www.addic7ed.com

Coulda just said you didn't want no chicken.

Whatcha doin' sittin' around in your drawers with a gun, nohow?

And, my God, man, cross your legs or somethin'.

Nobody wants to see your damn balls.

That not why you came out here?

Why did you come out here?

Eh, wife caught me smoking in the garage.

Figured I'd take a ride, lay low till she cooled down.

Yeah.

Eh, I figured I'd check on you.

Went by Leonard's place first.

Them friends of his said he was sleeping.

Jesus, Hap.

You look like the dead ass of a roadkill possum.

Was Sneed.

How's that?

In Grovetown.

Sneed was in Grovetown.

_

That's really not nice.

What the hell are you doin' here, Sneed?

I work here.

I heard you got fired from LaBorde.

I resigned.

What brings you two to Grovetown?

Aw, got to missin' your pretty tight ass.

Thought I'd come by and have me a look.

But don't worry.

Wasn't worth the drive.

Officer Reynolds,

meet Hap Collins and Leonard Pine.

Pine's the "Smartest Black Man in the World."

I got this, Sneed.

Yes, ma'am.

This your car?

What's left of it.

Did you know you are illegally parked?

Uh, uh, no.

No, I-I didn't.

I'm gonna have to write you up for that.

I-Is... Is there anything else about this car you notice?

We'll get a tow truck to move it to a garage.

Welcome to Grovetown.

Thank you, ma'am.

That's Officer Reynolds to you.

I appreciate it.

Officer Reynolds.

Sneed, you can drive these boys to Rocket's.

Yes, ma'am.

Nice little town you found yourself back there, Sneed.

Friendly as a rattlesnake.

I didn't exactly have the best references.

Shoulda asked me.

Look, I made some mistakes back in LaBorde,

and I'm sorry for it...

especially about me and you, Leonard.

Truth is, after what happened,

I had a long look in the mirror,

and I didn't like what I saw.

I wish I could go back and change it, but...

life just moves forward, don't it?

So let me ask you a question.

Just who are you?

And where's that turd stain that was just driving us?

Look, I just wanted to say it.

You believe what you want.

You never did tell me what you're here for.

Looking for Florida Grange.

Came down here on a business trip.

Never made it back to LaBorde.

Now nobody knows where she is.

That's funny.

Define "funny."

I heard she left town.

From who?

Chief Cantuck.

He's the boss man down here.

_

Whatcha want ya for Christmas, huh?

You want your little Hula-Hoop?

All right, look,

you don't tug on Santa's whiskers, now.

Take away Santa's beard, he ain't nothin' but a man.

You ever seen a hairless cat?

Just bald head to tail.

You babies remember Aunt Peg? Huh?

Oh, look at you two, all growed up!

You gonna go make some shadow puppets and, uh...

That's the sorriest Santa I ever saw.

He's gonna scare the kids.

I told him to shower first,

but he didn't wanna mess with his hair.

Officer, you mind keepin' an eye on these two?

Of course.

Not like I'm trying to run a police station or any...

- Thank you, Peg. - What I got?

Detective Blank.

My office.

All right. Come on, now. Love "Santy's" neck.

There you go.

That's a... Whoa, ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas.

Glad I kept the receipt.

Get that suit from Goodwill?

Mm. It's only been worn a few times.

Besides, beats the hell out of

spendin' the day with the wife and in-laws.

You know what she got me for Christmas?

- What's that? - Carton of nicotine gum.

You heard from Hap Collins?

No, but I went by Leonard's.

He's got a couple chuckle-heads watching the place.

Seems he took him a little trip to Grovetown with Hap.

God damn it, Charlie.

When were you gonna tell me about that?

Well, I just found out about it.

Shit.

What'd you think was gonna happen,

them two sewed together at the dicks?

Hell, I knew they were dumb.

I didn't think that they were that dumb.

Never underestimate their dumbness.

Anyway, you don't need me anymore,

I got to go out and make merry.

You know, uh, it ain't my place to say maybe, but, uh...

I don't believe I'd sent Hap Collins down there,

it was me.

Shit happens down there.

Thank you, Charlie.

Chief Cantuck wants you to handle this one,

being how he's your people and all.

Wants him buried quick.

What's the hurry?

He ain't goin' nowhere.

Just clean him up and get him in the ground.

No autopsy?

No reason for it.

How long you plannin' on being here?

Long as we have to, not a minute more.

He means until we find Florida.

She was here, somebody'd know it.

Ain't the kinda place a black woman on her own

wouldn't stand out.

We'll see.

As soon as your car's fixed,

you best be on your way, you hear?

Ain't nobody here.

I mean, it is Christmas.

Leonard.

Yeah?

Sneed was laughin' at us, wasn't he?

Aw, no, Hap.

Probably on his way back to the orphanage right now

to go do some volunteer work.

What you think?

Think he's still laughin' at us.

All the way back to town.

And it's a long way back to town.

I don't know about you, Hap,

but I sure am startin' to like this place.

Oh, it's like "Mayberry"...

meets "Deliverance."

Reminds me of the kind of place that

bad shit'd happen to black folk when I was a kid.

I hate to bust your liberal bubble, Hap,

but bad shit's still happenin' to black people.

I don't like the idea that

Florida is down here on her own.

Don't go underestimatin' the power of

a strong, black, educated woman.

Probably holed up on the black side of town right now,

havin' a turkey dinner.

- You seen the black side of town? - Hell yeah.

It's usually near the city dump, sewage plant,

nuclear reactor if they got one.

Or maybe we passed her on the way up here

and she poundin' that puddin' to old Hanson

one more time 'fore Christmas.

Are you pedalin' back there?

Hell yeah! Tryin' to make up for yo ass!

Damn!

I been thinkin' about what you said in the car last night.

You remember?

You said you met the Devil.

Look like you lost this one.

Cheap insulation do it every time.

Yeah. Damn shame.

I found these Elvis cards, though,

so it's not a total loss.

Soon as the heat gets off 'em, I might just keep these.

Why?

'Cause Elvis is on 'em.

You wanna grab that

ace of Elvis there for me?

Hey, hey. Head up here.

What are you lookin' at?

That ain't my dick you're dreamin' on there.

I've got a twisted nut.

It's about to blow up like goddamn Hiroshima.

I-I'm Hap Collins, and this is...

I know who you are.

Heard someone tinkered with your automobile.

They stuck a... um, an American flag through the windshield.

Patriotic fervor.

Runs strong around here.

There's some strong words on the car, too.

I'd have blushed if I could.

What do you expect?

You two girls come waltzin' in here,

holding hands, riding that bike.

People don't cotton that kind of shit down here.

We just lookin' for a friend of ours, Florida Grange.

Colored gal.

That depends on what color you meanin'.

You go on like that all day, or you got an "off" button?

No, he... he... he's just worried about Florida

'cause, uh, see, she's...

uh, she's his sister.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's my sister,

- and I'm worried sick about her. - Mm-hmm.

Your sister, huh?

- That's right. - They both work for me.

Uh, she came down here to do some business, and...

and we ain't heard from her since and...

And it's Christmas, and it... it's the only family I got.

When I was just a little kid,

I tore the ass out of a few chickens

puttin' the old dick to 'em.

Got so every time my mama found a dead chicken lyin' around,

she'd take the belt to me.

She'd hear a pig squeal at night,

and she'd come to my room and whup me.

A-A-A-And your point is?

My point is...

I'd put the old dick to anything that ain't nailed down,

and if I'd do a chicken,

I'd sure as hell do a colored gal.

And that ol' Florida Grange,

she's a way lot better-lookin' than a chicken.

Must've been hard livin' with a...

sister lookin' that fine.

I'll bet you thought about

puttin' old Moby Dick to her more than once, huh?

French kiss your mama with that mouth?

Don't you talk about my mama, boy.

I ain't your boy. I served my country

so that your little swollen-nut ass could live free.

Then don't you lie to me about her bein' your sister

and that she works for this

bleedin'-heart mechanic.

I'm the law in this shithole.

And you best remember that, boy.

In my office.

Shit.

Don't you boys take me for a fool

just 'cause I got a choked nut.

I'm the goddamn Chief of Police,

and that deserves some respect.

Now, I'm gonna tell you this once.

That colored lawyer, she came down here

to do some business over at the radio station.

She done it. She's gone.

That's it.

Hear the Klan runnin' really strong down here in Grovetown.

Yeah, they're an ignorant bunch of mean bastards,

but I'm meaner.

And they know what they can and cannot do.

So if you're thinkin' what I think you're thinkin',

you can think again.

That's a lot of thinkin'.

Are you smartin' me, son?

No sir.

I just want to find my friend, go home.

And I told you she's gone.

Now get your dumb, white ass, and get your smart friend,

and get out of my vehicle.

I don't wanna ever see you lookin' at

or talkin' about my balls again.

It's a sensitive subject.

Just so you know...

I never raped a chicken in my life.

I just figured that was the sort of thing you expect me to say

because that's the way you do-gooders think.

So...

Did you do the pigs?

Get out of my car, swiftie.

- Pull over, pull over. - Brakes here aren't so good.

- Aw, shit. Wait! - Damn. God damn it!

Who says there's no room for the blues on Christmas,

am I right?

Of course I'm right.

That was a blast from the past

to jingle your bells and warm you up fast.

Merry Christmas to one and all.

Here's your main man Sonny Knox

comin' 'atcha all the way from the North Pole,

home of the one, the only 96.6,

your Blues Fix Radio.

We are one week away from saying goodbye to the '80s,

and as we do every year,

we are going to play

the greatest blues songs of the century.

Tune in bright and early with me, your host, Sonny Knox.

Sonny Knox.

Here's one that'll really tangle your tinsel,

comin' 'atcha by Alabama Slim.

My hand to God, when I took this place over,

it was on its last leg.

Now I'm broadcast in three states

from Bumbleshitsburg Grovetown.

So I'm talkin' to the boys up in Nashville...

Sonny Knox, got blues in my socks.

Just a reminder... in the mood for comfort?

Keith's Sofa Barn off Route 59

offers widest selection of recliners

at a price that can't be beat.

- Speaking of beats, - Were we?

here's a gem from Porterhouse Clemens.

So, anyway, I'm thinkin' of moving up there.

That's the big time.

Then these Bible-thumpin', shit-kickin' racist moose dicks

will really miss me.

Sonny, we just need to find out

what you know about Florida Grange.

Oh, she was here, day before last.

Almost did a deal with her and her client, Bobby Joe Soothe.

What, Soothe?

- Any relation to L.C.? - Grandson.

He came in here the other day lookin' like he took a dump

and found gold in the bowl.

Said he had this long-lost recording of his granddaddy,

the late, great L.C. Soothe.

Last song he recorded before he died.

Found it in the great aunt's attic.

Some say it's the greatest blues song ever.

Nobody even knew a recording existed

until Bobby Joe walked in here the other day

offerin' to sell it.

If it was the real thing,

worth a fortune.

Think it was the real deal?

In my humble but expert opinion,

it was.

So what happened?

Nothin'.

Bobby Joe said he'd talk to his lawyer,

this Miss Grange.

We arranged a meeting, I got the cash ready,

then Bobby Joe dropped off the map.

Haven't seen her since they found the body.

- Body? - Body?

You guys didn't hear?

They found Bobby Joe hangin' off the Grovetown bridge

two days ago.

Wait. He... He... He dead?

Deader than a dodo bird.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that curse was real.

Curse? What... What curse?

Folks say whoever listens to that song is cursed.

But I listened to it. Look at me.

I don't believe in any of that crap.

I believe in three things...

music, business, and the great American dollar.

- It's Sonny here. 96.6. - Curses? Come on. Bullshit.

Leave a message.

Mr. Knox, this is the Grovetown Fire Department.

Call us as soon as you can.

We regret to inform you your house just burnt down.

Merry Christmas.

My house is...

My Elvis cards!

My Elvis cards!

Damn.

Somethin' ain't right, Hap.

Nope. It ain't.

Florida came down here to meet with a client,

and he turns up dead?

And now she's gone?

Why didn't Old Swollen Nuts

tell us that Bobby Joe was dead?

Mm. Playin' them Elvis cards close to the vest.

Maybe he has somethin' to do with it...

ring in the new year with a little cracker-cop pastime.

What I'd like to know is

what's a guy doin' with a recording worth that much money,

and he ends up swingin' from a bridge?

Maybe he ain't had no choice in the matter.

Why do I get the feeling that people are watching us?

That's 'cause they are.

I'm startin' to get that "Twilight Zone" feeling again.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna call Hanson.

Play it cool now, buddy...

real cool.

Hi. How you doin', ma'am?

Uh...

like to order some food.

Two pulled pork sandwiches,

some side of slaw,

two Dr. Peppers.

Two pigs on bread with slaw.

Make that to go.

I left a message for Hanson.

He's gonna call us back here.

I hope he's quick.

Mm. Oh, ma'am, uh...

Lookin' for this lady.

Seen her anywhere?

Don't recall.

Sorry.

Right.

What you doin' with him?

He work for you?

Billy.

They're just getting some food.

I'm just talkin' to 'em, Mama.

So?

Actually, uh, I work for him.

What?

Yeah. Uh, we're, uh...

We're GE's.

Huh?

It's Government Exterminators.

Yeah, w-we just got in from LaBorde.

See, uh, LaBorde's been overrun...

...by Christmas ants.

Ain't never heard of no Christmas Ants.

Mm. Neither did people in LaBorde.

Yeah, you see, uh, these ants,

see, they ain't ordinary ants, no.

Mutations.

Yeah.

They snuck over here

on a boatload of mangos from the Congo.

Yeah, that's why had to...

to fly Dr. Bagoomba here

in from Kenya.

He's the world's leading authority on Christmas Ants.

Dr. Bagoomba?

Why don't you fill these boys in on

some of the horrors you've seen back home?

Uh...

_

_

_

_

Oh, man.

_

_

_

Horrible.

_

Mm. Bad.

_

Bad.

You, uh... You fellas got some credentials?

We, uh...

I got a, uh...

We... Aw. Did we... Did we leave 'em in the car?

Excuse me, fellas.

That's the government callin'.

- Hanson? - Talk to me.

This is one backward place, man.

- What about Florida? - I have no idea.

You know that guy that...

that she was comin' down here to meet?

Yeah, he's dead.

They found him hangin' from the town bridge.

Hanson? Hanson!

I heard you. I'm coming down there.

Where are you and Leonard stayin'?

There's a garage on the way into town.

Th-There's this big-ass rocket on the roof.

You... You can't miss it, no.

I got to go. Uh, I'll meet you there.

Hey.

They spotted an army of those ants 5 miles east of here.

They're marching.

In a column, two by two.

Come on. We gotta go.

Enjoy, sirs.

I made it special for you boys.

Oh, and, hey...

may the Force be with you.

Godspeed.

Go.

Ants marchin' in a column two by two?

- What the hell was that? - Was a military touch.

- I thought you'd appreciate it. - Pbht!

We had 'em until you brought up the Pygmies.

Oh, come on. Move.

Son of a bitch!

- Hey! - Damn it!

Come on!

Hey!

God damn!

Get 'em!

Get 'em!

- Ah, there. - Yeah.

What's the plan?

I don't know! I was followin' you!

Hey, you said, "Get in."

I said "Get them," get the truck.

What the hell is wrong wi'chu?

Oh! Oh, now, that makes more sense.

So what we gonna do?

I don't know. It was your idea.

You guys have a nice Christmas now.

Nope. I ain't seen her.

I'd remember if I did... good-lookin' woman.

That's a different attitude from most people around here.

I like women.

Mm, like 'em dark, light, fat, skinny, short, tall.

Dated a midget once... like legitimate circus fare,

but, uh, didn't last too long. We didn't see eye to eye.

Everybody always laughs at that,

but, no, for real, she's crazy as hell.

I ain't like other people in this town.

Shit, I don't care if your skin's purple,

you got bones through your nose holes.

You got any idea where a woman like that might stay,

uh, in a town like this?

Mm... not in town, that's for sure.

Uh, maybe over on the Southside.

That's the black part of town...

not that I see it that way, but, mm...

I toldja.

Yeah, cross the railroad tracks.

Caught me.

Just doing a little light readin'... articles.

Sorry I can't help you out with the lady,

but I tell you what...

why don't we call it a wash on that bike?

Car's gonna take me a day or two, though.

Oh, I see you're eyein' them pickled pigs feet.

I am runnin' a special on these delicious morsels.

Temptin'. We got sandwiches, though.

Say a couple of fellas needed a place to stay the night,

one of 'em happens to not be white...

where might you suggest?

Well, if it's the two gentlemen standin' in front of me...

...they're in luck.

You might notice a faint smell when you first get in!

Tenants had a little run-in with a Chihuahua

and an oven little while back.

You get used to it quick!

How 'bout I throw in utilities?

What utilities?

That generator's gas.

Don't run itself.

Did I mention I'm the only place that'll put y'all up?

I'm taking the bed.

My sciatica's starting to act up.

Is it too late for me to stay home?

Either way, it's a home for the holidays.

That boy ain't tellin' us everything he knows.

Damn grease monkey.

Got oil between his teeth... all 12 of 'em.

Oh, he seemed nice enough to me.

Least he was tryin'.

Must be nice bein' white and trustin' people.

You know, man,

sometimes,

you are like a man standin' in a hole, lookin' down.

All you see is the dark.

Ugh.

What? What's up?

Damn bed smell like eau de toilet.

I'm sleepin' on the couch. Crabs like dark meat.

Suit yourself.

Damn that sumbitch!

Smell this!

I know that smell is her perfume,

you lyin' sack of shit!

I don't know what you're talkin' about!

Florida Grange! She was here!

I'm tellin' you, she asked me

not to let anyone know she was stayin' here.

That... That's why I lied.

Why the hell would she do that?

Said she just went through a bad breakup,

didn't want her ex to know where she was.

How long was she here?

Just that one night.

You wouldn't happen to be lyin' to us again, now, would ya?

- Would ya? - No, I-I swear on my poor mother's grave.

She left that morning,

and I ain't seen her since, honest.

- She say where she was goin'? - I dunno.

Did she say where she was going?!

I woke up that morning... she was gone already.

I was b-bein' straight up with you fellas.

Aw, come on. All that talk about

how much you love women got me to thinkin' about you.

I talk too much, I talk too much.

I always have. I...

It was just talk. It was just talk.

That's... That's how come I got no friends.

Or maybe I talk too much because I got no friends.

'Cause I don't know.

Maybe I get on people's nerves.

You get on Florida's nerves?

I ain't gonna lie.

Yeah, I thought about maybe makin' a play for her.

Woman like that, what man wouldn't?

But...

sort of puts a damper

on the whole romance side of things, don't it?

Drop your pants, woman sees this...

Sort of thing you got to come around to slowly,

and she was only staying the one night so...

Pbht!

You hear her mention a fella named Bobby Joe Soothe?

Fella that hung himself from the bridge?

No, she didn't mention him.

Hung himself?

That's what they're sayin'.

Who's sayin'?

The police are.

But they got a funny relationship

with the truth sometimes.

"They are like a breath;

their days are like a fleeting shadow."

Scripture.

My daddy was a preacher.

Was he now?

Funny.

What?

Them folk,

they care for their own, same as we do ours.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Make 'em almost seem human.

Doesn't it?

They're human enough to mourn, I guess.

Well,

they say elephants mourn.

That don't make them human.

You got this?

Yeah. I got it.

Good. I got better things to do

than watch that shit get put in the hole.

I mean, it'd make sense,

her being on the Southside.

Tell you the truth, I'd prefer her with our own people.

How come nobody has heard from her?

Maybe Hanson ain't as honest as we'd like him to be.

Maybe Florida's not wantin' no one to know

where she at 'cause a good reason.

So you believe Tim's theory?

I mean, Hanson's tough.

But he holdin' on hard.

I mean, just because he actin' sincere

don't mean he ain't puttin' pressure on the girl

to come back... wife or no wife.

Men be like that sometime.

Man, I had no idea

you knew so much about

heterosexual relationships.

Just like the gay ones, just twisted.

What if...

What if he sent you here to do his dirty work?

Well, either way, I'm doin' the dirty work.

And either way, I want to make sure she's safe.

So tomorrow we go to the Southside.

Oh, correction... I'ma go to the Southside.

You gonna stay here and wait for Hanson.

Unh-unh. No, no, no, no.

We both go to the Southside,

and we... we leave a note for Hanson.

I am not takin' your honky ass behind me.

Them folk gonna clam up for sure.

Hey, I took you to the white side.

Well, that's different. I'm handsome.

Look, look, you get to go in town and be white,

do white people things... play golf.

Uh, you can get

that Hall & Oates record you always wanted.

What if I find you hangin' from a bridge?

Look, just hope I find her

and we can put this place behind us in our rearview.

I don't like splittin' up...

especially in a place like this.

I love you, too, Hap.

But trust me on this. I'ma be all right.

Fine. Fine.

Just sit down, sit down.

Yeah.

What's that?

What? I got somethin' in my teeth?

Well, I'll be damned.

_

Synced and corrected by LittleDuck www.addic7ed.com