subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Broken.Hearts.Club [SubtitleTools.com]

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French Download

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese Download

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,042 --> 00:00:00,042 23.976 2 00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:07,341 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.SubtitleDB.org today 3 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:27,027 That Cameron Diaz is hot. Did you check out the new F-150 yet? 4 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,529 Dude, it's huge. 5 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:32,282 I figure after the Laker game, I'll head to Dublin's, grab some brewskies. 6 00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,910 No way, man. There's no snatch there on Mondays. 7 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:38,121 - It's total sausage on week nights. - You guys see that Saxon got traded? 8 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,374 It sucks. The line's gonna be shit now. 9 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,667 Amen, girlfriend. 10 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:45,712 - What did I say? - We were doing so well. 11 00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:48,799 There isn't a straight man who doesn't refer to anyone but his girlfriend... 12 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,133 as "girlfriend." 13 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,177 But I was so butch when I said it. 14 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:55,430 Fine. I don't care that I lost. I hate games. Where's the check? 15 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,140 You should be proud to have lost. 16 00:00:57,182 --> 00:01:00,978 This whole exercise is an unabashed, demoralizing case of self-mockery. 17 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:04,022 This from the man that brought us, "There's no snatch there on Monday." 18 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,066 - That's different. - I agree. 19 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:09,152 If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men spent their time, he'd defect. 20 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:11,446 Larry Kramer can blow me, okay? 21 00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:12,823 This is fun. 22 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,117 Besides, that was 5 minutes and 32 seconds. 23 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,910 - Group record. - Meanwhile... 24 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:18,662 I was saying earlier-- 25 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,999 Could I have a double steroid mocha? 26 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,168 - I can't help it. I'm a gym bunny hag. - Gross. 27 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,628 Yes, Benji, yours is a lost cause. 28 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:29,339 I hate this city. Everyone's better-looking than me. 29 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,426 - Cheer up,Jan. You'll make the team. - I'm serious. 30 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:33,927 Fuck off. 31 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,929 It's from the three of us. 32 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:40,517 And you wrapped it in your pants. 33 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,561 That's very funny. 34 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:48,192 - "Love, Here I Am." - It's a joke. 35 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:51,653 You're the only one of us that never complains about not having a boyfriend. 36 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:55,032 Certain individuals less familiar with the real Dennis... 37 00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:58,285 might interpret that absence of desire to couple... 38 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:01,538 as a defense mechanism, a wall. 39 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:05,876 In which case, this text would serve you in overcoming your emotional blockage... 40 00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:09,713 and opening yourself up to the possibilities of a relationship. 41 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,800 Okay, hint taken. Come on. Just get together. 42 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:16,386 I can't take a picture. I look terrible right now. 43 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:18,555 I really, honestly. Wait a minute. Look at this. 44 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,807 - Actually, this isn't bad. - Okay. 45 00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:24,144 Good. Light's good over there. Go. Come on, go. 46 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:29,441 All right. 47 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,780 Meanwhile-- 48 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,952 A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. 49 00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:43,247 Fact is, I don't know. Can't remember. 50 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,165 But what I do remember... 51 00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:48,919 what I can recall is the moment I first realized it was okay. 52 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,421 - "It was when I met these guys..." - Thank you. 53 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:52,923 my friends. 54 00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:23,161 I still need to find a housewarming gift for my sister and Clubber Lang. 55 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,497 She's been your sister's girlfriend for five years. 56 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:28,000 Don't you think you two should get along? 57 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:35,424 Meanwhile, don't look now, but right behind me-- 58 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,176 I could kill you. 59 00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,761 You act like he'd never know we were checking him out. 60 00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:42,514 He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you-- 61 00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:44,516 a cart full of kitchenwares. 62 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,018 What planet are you living on? 63 00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:49,062 Not a person in this store wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second. 64 00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:51,356 - Keep telling yourself that. - You don't believe me? 65 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,984 Okay. I'm sorry, miss? Excuse me, miss? 66 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:56,361 Could you come here for just a second? 67 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,615 This man, you've never seen him before in your whole entire life, right? 68 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:03,118 Tell me, which is it: fag, not a fag? 69 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,954 I'll have to say big fag. 70 00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:08,332 - The first thing I want to say, Larry-- - Lawrence. 71 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:11,710 - Remember my thing with that? - Right. 72 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:14,171 Anyway, Lawrence, the last two weeks... 73 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,715 that we've been going out... 74 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:21,762 have been some of the best moments in my dating career. 75 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,847 We've laughed, we've learned... 76 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,225 we've tripped the light fantastic. 77 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:28,435 And yet, I just... 78 00:04:29,353 --> 00:04:32,231 feel like something's just not working. 79 00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,692 What do you think, dear? 80 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:38,028 I'm not sure. Fold your arms. 81 00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:43,909 Oh, gosh, yeah. Big nellie. 82 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,537 It's not you, okay? It's me. 83 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:49,373 I'm the broken piece, and you wanna know why? 84 00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:53,043 It's because deep down inside... 85 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,589 I'm a lonely person. 86 00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:02,135 Are you reading that off of your hand? 87 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:04,304 What? No. 88 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,933 You are. You are totally reading a script. 89 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,394 It's just some notes. I wanted to make sure I said the right thing. 90 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,437 Oh, give me a fucking break. 91 00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:16,108 The light fantastic? You don't even know what that is. 92 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,442 What? 93 00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:20,070 Got an APB on a Caucasian male, brown hair and eyes... 94 00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:22,072 160 pounds, 5-feet-11. 95 00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:25,993 Suspect is unarmed and has distinct characteristics of a homosexual male. 96 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,328 That's how I'd call you in myself. 97 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:33,166 You know, you are worse than all the muscle boys combined. 98 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,919 At least they don't presume to want a relationship. 99 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,589 I never said that I wanted a relationship. 100 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,175 - Then what did you want? - Something casual. 101 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:45,470 Linen sports jackets are casual. Swimwear is casual. 102 00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,932 - Fucking somebody is not casual. - Okay. 103 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,517 While we're on the subject... 104 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,936 if certain rumors concerning your sexual proclivities... 105 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:56,190 start popping up around town, you'll know who started them. 106 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,775 Have a pleasant evening, bottom boy! 107 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,863 That is such bullshit! 108 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,936 Why do you bring them here, strumpet? 109 00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:35,979 I am not in the mood for one of your tirades. 110 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,149 As a person in a long-term relationship, I'm gonna let you know. 111 00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:41,485 - What you do is sick. - Whatever. 112 00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:44,488 Number one, you work here. It's in poor taste. 113 00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:46,949 Number two, if you're gonna break up with somebody... 114 00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,451 have the decency to provide them with better lighting. 115 00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:52,496 I heard that, ingrate. Oh, record time, Casanova. 116 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,957 You can start your shift early. 117 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,001 Roberto, what are you cutting those with, a chain saw? 118 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:01,046 This is bruschetta. You slice the tomatoes thinly. 119 00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:05,133 Jack, that's Javier. Roberto is his brother. 120 00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:07,344 If he cuts those tomatoes right, I'll call him Phyllis if he wants. 121 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,388 As a person in a long-term relationship... 122 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,307 I don't see how you're ever gonna find happiness with one person... 123 00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:14,017 if you don't mend your ways. 124 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:17,563 Do you not start any sentences with, "as a person in a long-term relationship"? 125 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,565 It speaks of my authority on matters of the heart. 126 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:22,818 -It speaks of your boyfriend's insanity. -Hey, guys. 127 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:24,403 - Thank God. - You're late. 128 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:27,197 Sorry, but, you know, it is my birthday. 129 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,533 Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog, sugar. Go to work. 130 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,910 Saw your prey on the curb. Nice work. 131 00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:34,413 Last time I use an audition monologue to break up with somebody. 132 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,582 You coming to the party,Jack? 133 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:40,002 I just wrapped 1 00 pieces of cantaloupe in prosciutto to keep 'em warm. 134 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:42,004 You didn't. Jack! 135 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:44,006 I couldn't let you have a birthday without giving you... 136 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,842 at least a little bit of my superior taste and talent. 137 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:49,678 And in addition to which, look what I got today. 138 00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,180 The Broken Hearts jerseys. 139 00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:54,016 I will be signing up interested parties all night. 140 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,852 Please, I'm begging you, no softball team this year. 141 00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,354 No softball team this year. No softball team this year. 142 00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:02,566 Are you crazy? You know what kind of P.R. this is for the restaurant? 143 00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:06,069 It can't be that good. We lost every single game we played last year. 144 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,197 Two of those teams only had four people. 145 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,450 Nobody's forcing you two to play, but remember who pays your bills. 146 00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:21,627 Leslie, Queen of Bitchtar, your people have come to take you home. 147 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:25,380 Good evening, Patrick. It's your brother! 148 00:08:25,464 --> 00:08:27,758 I'll be right there. 149 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:30,135 What is it with lesbians and candles? 150 00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:34,223 I just got home from the office, and I'm not in the mood for your shit. 151 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,309 So... 152 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:38,769 what's the gift? 153 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:41,146 It's a housewarming present for Anne. 154 00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:42,731 Two months late. 155 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,151 Looks like a coffeemaker. 156 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:49,154 Well, you can shut your mouth because it's a surprise. 157 00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:51,156 Oh, we already have a coffeemaker. 158 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,659 I've seen your old one. This one is way better. 159 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,662 We got rid of that one. She didn't tell you? 160 00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,830 We have a new Webb 3000. 161 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,333 - You already have a Webb 3000? - Don't worry, sweetie. 162 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:04,545 It won't be the first time she's returned one of your gifts. 163 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:10,217 So Anne tells me you're jealous of her vibrator. 164 00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:12,761 How do I look? 165 00:09:12,845 --> 00:09:15,681 - Great! Where's Hansel and Gretel? - That's clever. 166 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,058 - You sure you don't want to come? - No, thank you. 167 00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:20,811 - He said it's gonna be mixed. - The last time he said that... 168 00:09:20,853 --> 00:09:24,022 there were 60 men, 3 women and a parrot... 169 00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:26,191 and the parrot was getting more attention than the women. 170 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,735 That parrot knew the words to "Material Girl." 171 00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:30,237 Shall we? 172 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:46,044 Do you have to do that in here? We are two blocks from the house! 173 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,046 Parties make me nervous. 174 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,924 - I'm relaxing. - Can you relax legally? 175 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:53,677 - What if we get pulled over? - What are the police gonna do? 176 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,430 For starters, the whole arresting thing. 177 00:09:57,890 --> 00:10:01,018 If we don't go home together tonight, you'll understand. 178 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,687 - Let's not do this thing. - What whole thing? 179 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:06,857 This eleventh-hour breakup routine. It's really demoralizing me. 180 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,193 I'm not breaking up anything here... 181 00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:12,279 because what there was to break up here was broken up two months ago. 182 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,156 Yet we're still sleeping together. 183 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,575 We sleep together because we got a fucked-up friendship... 184 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,035 not because we're boyfriends. 185 00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:20,412 - I don't want to talk about this. - You never wanna talk. 186 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:24,750 You just want to smoke pot, watch the fucking Cartoon Network. 187 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:28,378 What's to talk about? We're ex-boyfriends who still screw around. 188 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,172 I want more. You don't. 189 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,757 I hang on because I love you. 190 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:35,511 I wait desperately for the day you calm down, wake up... 191 00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:37,721 and realize you love me. 192 00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:42,351 You hang on because it's easy. 193 00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:46,563 When you say it that way, I sound like an asshole. 194 00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:12,005 Okay, wait. Hold on. First television crush. 195 00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:14,007 Oh, easy. John-Boy Walton. 196 00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:17,135 Yes, honey, I always wanted to be the last one to say good night to him. 197 00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:20,472 - No, that mole. - Mine is Matthew Laborteaux. 198 00:11:20,556 --> 00:11:22,808 - Who's that? - Albert from "Little House." 199 00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:25,269 Wait a minute. It was the morphine addiction episode, wasn't it? 200 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:28,355 - How did you know? - 'Cause you have a thing for bad boys. 201 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:32,109 The valley stream is clear enough to reflect even a hair or a whisker. 202 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,152 Why should I keep this mirror? 203 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:38,031 See, as an artist, it's crucial that I reject the mirror for the stream. 204 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:39,950 Right. 205 00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:43,036 I'm gonna get a drink. Do you wanna hang here or-- 206 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,454 Definitely. 207 00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:46,456 I mean, you know, whatever. 208 00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:51,003 So how do you and Benji know each other? 209 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,046 We fold jeans at Structure. 210 00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:55,507 Okay, my first television crush: Aquaman. 211 00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:57,968 Aquaman? Are you kidding me? 212 00:11:58,010 --> 00:12:00,971 No, you laugh, but he was a blond and he had a swimmer's build. 213 00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:03,599 I don't like blondes though. 214 00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:06,810 - Swimmer's? - It was a lot of crap. 215 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,938 Listen, boys, I'm not leaving this party... 216 00:12:10,022 --> 00:12:12,149 until you sign up... 217 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:16,695 to be on the best team in the West Hollywood Softball League... 218 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,488 the Broken Hearts! 219 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:21,950 So come on over here and sign up, guys. 220 00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,744 Free drinks for a signature! 221 00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:26,496 Oh, they'll all quit after we lose the first game. 222 00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,751 - That looks good, actually. - Don't do that. 223 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,504 I have to let it set for at least-- Gosh. 224 00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,506 - Guess who's outside. - Who? 225 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:37,883 J. Crew guy from New Year's. 226 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:40,511 - No shit. At my party? - Yeah. 227 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,054 Come here. 228 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:48,060 Over there by the dining room table talking to a bunch of his friends. 229 00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:50,062 There he is. Oh, my God. 230 00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,064 Shut the door. 231 00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:55,067 It's your birthday star shining on you. 232 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,654 We barely hooked up last time. He probably doesn't even remember me. 233 00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:00,822 How 'bout you? Any luck with the coworker? 234 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:03,367 Who had a chance? Cole moved right in. 235 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,410 I just live with him. 236 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,705 It wouldn't have worked anyway. The guy's a total newbie. 237 00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:11,667 - Hasn't even told me he's gay yet. - No shit. You can pick 'em. 238 00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:14,253 I know. I can't help myself. 239 00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:18,549 They remind me how great it used to feel, you know. 240 00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:22,344 When you first come out, and every guy in the room is just-- 241 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,346 Possibility. 242 00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:26,014 Yeah. 243 00:13:26,098 --> 00:13:29,518 Then you find out we are the possibility. 244 00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:35,274 - Oh, damn. - What? 245 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,527 Much like a Zen master, you must struggle to find freshness... 246 00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,737 in the mundane tasks of your world. 247 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:43,282 That, of course, being the world of retail. 248 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,492 I totally understand what you mean. 249 00:13:45,576 --> 00:13:47,578 It's that book. He's unstoppable with the book. 250 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,037 What's the book? 251 00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:52,416 Some book on Zen lessons he found on Dennis' shelf. 252 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:55,210 One of Cole's ex told him he was without an opinion about anything... 253 00:13:55,294 --> 00:13:57,588 so he thought it'd be best if he went out and got some. 254 00:13:57,671 --> 00:14:00,215 Dumb, gorgeous people should not be allowed to use literature... 255 00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:02,134 when competing in the pickup pool. 256 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,428 It's like bald people wearing hats. 257 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,264 It's deceiving. 258 00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:10,976 - You open my gift yet? - No. Which one is it? 259 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,061 - Right there. - I didn't know that. 260 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:16,982 Where's Paul? He hasn't answered my pages all day. 261 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,195 Love, Here I Am. 262 00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:24,615 It helped me so much in preparing myself for loving Paul. 263 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,658 - Thank you, sweetie. - You're welcome, baby. 264 00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:30,412 I'll just put that with my other two copies. 265 00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,414 I was wondering if there's any more ice. 266 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,124 Ice. 267 00:14:34,208 --> 00:14:36,168 Yes, there is ice... 268 00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,462 and I will go get it. 269 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,631 Hark! The party calls. 270 00:14:44,676 --> 00:14:46,970 From New Year's, right? 271 00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:49,139 I wasn't sure you'd remember me. 272 00:14:49,181 --> 00:14:51,892 Well, I do. 273 00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:54,895 I really didn't come in here for this. 274 00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,844 That's my frosting. 275 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:31,098 Dan, you gotta come upstairs. It's Taylor. 276 00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,602 What's goin' on? 277 00:15:35,686 --> 00:15:37,604 You're kidding me. 278 00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:43,235 - What's happening? - Paul finally called Taylor back. 279 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:47,030 From Hawaii, where he's vacationing with his new boyfriend. 280 00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:48,532 Oh, shit. 281 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:53,203 No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy. 282 00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:56,415 What the fuck is a fairy supposed to do around here in case of emergency? 283 00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,584 - Howie, there's gotta be something. - I'm looking. 284 00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,961 - There's Celine Dion. - In hell! 285 00:16:01,712 --> 00:16:03,422 No. Okay, here. 286 00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:05,340 "Beaches" soundtrack. 287 00:16:05,424 --> 00:16:08,093 Oh, thank God. Track four. 288 00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:09,970 I just heard. 289 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:12,139 I was left for another man. 290 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,976 And not just any other man, a trainer. 291 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:17,978 A trainer named Dash. 292 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:20,022 I was left for a punctuation mark. 293 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,149 We all knew this was gonna happen. 294 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:24,401 - Patrick. - Come on. 295 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,820 It's not like he didn't know Paul was sleeping around. 296 00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:30,574 I tried to warn him before they moved in together, and he wouldn't listen. 297 00:16:30,616 --> 00:16:32,951 I'm in the room, asshole. 298 00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:35,537 Nice. That's what I get for being a friend. 299 00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:37,789 We obviously have two different interpretations of that word. 300 00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:39,082 What does that mean? 301 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:41,919 It means that when it comes to men... 302 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,255 you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us. 303 00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:49,134 You can disguise it all you want under the guise of Patrick's good advice... 304 00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:51,637 but it ain't shit but a pin... 305 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,139 trying to pop all of our relationship balloons. 306 00:16:56,642 --> 00:16:59,811 Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping with other people. 307 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,981 But he said that we'd work things out. 308 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,735 He promised we'd work things out. 309 00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,695 He lied. 310 00:17:08,779 --> 00:17:10,572 I'm sorry. You know what? 311 00:17:10,656 --> 00:17:13,534 This is the time of the evening where all the prettier boys hook up... 312 00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:15,953 so I'm just gonna leave now. 313 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:19,540 - He hates me. - He'll get over it. 314 00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:23,961 The apartment was Paul's. 315 00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,213 He wants me out by Friday. 316 00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:29,758 We have a guest room. 317 00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:31,844 You're more than welcome to it. 318 00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:36,014 - I couldn't. - It wouldn't be a problem. 319 00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:40,894 Cole lives here too. I couldn't do it unless you were okay with it. 320 00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,231 Well, it's sort of sudden. 321 00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:47,734 But... 322 00:17:49,319 --> 00:17:52,114 it's Dennis' house, so if he's okay with it... 323 00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,574 then I guess I am. 324 00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:56,994 Then it's settled. 325 00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:02,791 Dennis, Cole, I-- 326 00:18:02,875 --> 00:18:06,295 You'll never, ever know how much I appreciate this. 327 00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:10,299 I'm gonna need your strength now. 328 00:18:14,845 --> 00:18:16,305 See you guys. 329 00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:25,689 What happened? 330 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,233 Paul dumped Taylor. Taylor's a wreck. 331 00:18:30,861 --> 00:18:33,030 Party's gonna break up soon, if you want a ride. 332 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,490 Howie, no. 333 00:18:35,574 --> 00:18:38,118 You know, I can't be your Rice-A-Roni. 334 00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:39,453 My what? 335 00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:41,455 Your Rice-A-Roni. 336 00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:43,707 It's the ultimate '7 0s game show consolation prize... 337 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,001 the thing everybody went home with even if they lost. 338 00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:48,462 It is not like that. 339 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,088 It's different. 340 00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:51,882 Yeah. 341 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,425 Oh, my-- 342 00:18:56,929 --> 00:18:59,223 Oh, don't do that. 343 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:01,683 Because you know that gets me worked up when you do that. 344 00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:03,227 Do what? 345 00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,604 You take off your glasses. 346 00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,606 You rub your eyes. 347 00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:09,608 And you're speechless. 348 00:19:12,528 --> 00:19:15,864 I still make you speechless? 349 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,705 - Where's your jacket? - It's in the car. 350 00:19:23,789 --> 00:19:25,207 Let's go. 351 00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:36,969 Do you wanna talk about it? 352 00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:39,263 What's to talk about? 353 00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:42,558 Gay men in L.A. are a bunch of 10s looking for an 11. 354 00:19:42,641 --> 00:19:46,353 On a good night, and if the other guy is drunk enough, I'm a six. 355 00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:48,689 - That's not true. - It is. 356 00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:52,317 I love you, and I know that you mean well, but it is. 357 00:19:52,401 --> 00:19:54,987 Patrick, maybe it's time you start hanging out... 358 00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:57,197 with a different group of guys. 359 00:19:58,156 --> 00:20:00,993 They're the only ones that make it bearable. 360 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,079 Good night, Patrick. 361 00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:08,333 Oh,just before I forget, Leslie and I wanna have a baby... 362 00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:11,837 and since that's biologically impossible for us to do so without sperm... 363 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,756 and since your genes are close to mine, we thought we could borrow yours... 364 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,467 and then it would be like the baby she and I would've had together... 365 00:20:17,551 --> 00:20:19,511 had I a penis. 366 00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:22,681 You wouldn't have to sleep with her. She'd be artificially inseminated. 367 00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:25,184 So take your time, think about it. 368 00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:28,604 Not to rush you, but we do want to kind of get moving on it right away... 369 00:20:28,687 --> 00:20:32,024 like within the next couple of ovulation cycles. 370 00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:34,109 So... 371 00:20:34,193 --> 00:20:36,111 talk to you tomorrow. 372 00:20:45,871 --> 00:20:48,373 - You can drive away now. - Oh, okay. 373 00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:00,719 Go home. I'll get the rest. 374 00:21:02,346 --> 00:21:03,805 Come, you spirits... 375 00:21:03,889 --> 00:21:05,849 that tend on mortal thoughts. 376 00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:07,893 Unsex him here. 377 00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:10,270 Now is not the time for Shakespeare in the Living Room. 378 00:21:10,354 --> 00:21:12,606 No, of course not. It's getting late. 379 00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:15,817 It's only 20 minutes to your next meaningless sexual experience. 380 00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:18,779 - Ten, if I'm lucky. - Never, if you're really lucky. 381 00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:21,782 Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards the door? 382 00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:25,160 Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards a healthier existence? 383 00:21:25,244 --> 00:21:26,954 Good night,Jack. 384 00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:29,081 Happy birthday, Dennis. I love you. 385 00:21:31,959 --> 00:21:33,544 Don't get nervous. 386 00:21:33,627 --> 00:21:36,964 Little kids and senior citizens don't say it for you to say it back. 387 00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:00,904 We should light a few more candles. 388 00:22:03,198 --> 00:22:04,908 I'm cool. 389 00:22:04,950 --> 00:22:08,745 Yeah, but we could use a little, you know, some mood adjustment. 390 00:22:29,057 --> 00:22:30,934 How 'bout-- 391 00:22:30,976 --> 00:22:33,520 How 'bout some music? 392 00:22:33,604 --> 00:22:35,022 - Sure. - Great. 393 00:22:35,105 --> 00:22:37,941 - Whatever. - Yeah. Great. 394 00:22:39,026 --> 00:22:40,277 You like the Carpenters? 395 00:22:41,528 --> 00:22:43,739 Play something else. 396 00:22:48,994 --> 00:22:52,873 You don't find Karen Carpenter's music even remotely romantic? 397 00:22:52,956 --> 00:22:54,291 - No. - None of it? 398 00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:56,835 Not "Close to You," "Rainy Days and Mondays." 399 00:22:56,877 --> 00:22:59,546 What about the one about Warren Beatty? 400 00:23:00,464 --> 00:23:03,884 "You're So Vain." That's Carly Simon. 401 00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,969 - You should go. - What? 402 00:23:06,053 --> 00:23:10,015 I'm feeling virtuous all of a sudden, but I'm gonna go with this impulse. 403 00:23:10,057 --> 00:23:14,019 - Is this about the music? - No, it's not. It's about me. 404 00:23:14,061 --> 00:23:17,022 - I can't do this anymore. - We haven't done anything yet. 405 00:23:17,064 --> 00:23:19,566 I know what we're about to do, and I can't do it. 406 00:23:19,650 --> 00:23:21,026 - Sure, you can. - You're right. 407 00:23:21,109 --> 00:23:24,363 - I can, but I'm tired of it. - You're tired of sex? 408 00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:25,864 Yes. No. 409 00:23:27,491 --> 00:23:31,119 I'm tired of sex with people who care what I look like and make up the rest... 410 00:23:31,203 --> 00:23:33,163 and I'm tired of doing the same with them. 411 00:23:33,205 --> 00:23:36,416 I want something more... 412 00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:37,793 something else. 413 00:23:37,876 --> 00:23:41,171 I want someone who likes my music and I care about in the morning. 414 00:23:41,213 --> 00:23:43,757 I keep forgetting your name... 415 00:23:43,841 --> 00:23:46,844 because my friends and I refer to you as "J. Crew guy." 416 00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:49,888 It's Ted. 417 00:23:52,057 --> 00:23:53,141 Well, Ted... 418 00:23:53,225 --> 00:23:55,185 I'm sorry. 419 00:23:55,269 --> 00:23:59,356 Normally, how you look in that sweater would be enough, but just not tonight. 420 00:24:37,603 --> 00:24:38,854 You scared me. 421 00:24:38,937 --> 00:24:41,899 It's my house. I'm allowed to do that. 422 00:24:41,982 --> 00:24:43,984 - Is Cole asleep? - Yeah, he's asleep. 423 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,613 There's nothin' in there. I checked. 424 00:24:49,781 --> 00:24:51,491 You should try the cake. 425 00:24:51,575 --> 00:24:54,953 The icing looks gross, but the cake's pretty good. 426 00:24:56,038 --> 00:24:59,082 This is not what I need tonight. 427 00:24:59,166 --> 00:25:02,377 - You are not what I need tonight. - What'd I say? 428 00:25:02,461 --> 00:25:05,964 I made that cake you just insulted for my own birthday. 429 00:25:06,048 --> 00:25:08,717 It took me two hours, and I didn't even get to blow out the candles... 430 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,470 'cause my friend's relationship hit DEFCON 5. 431 00:25:11,553 --> 00:25:13,263 Bummer. 432 00:25:13,347 --> 00:25:17,726 Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with real validity. 433 00:25:17,809 --> 00:25:20,646 I plan on writing to the committee for an extension. 434 00:25:25,442 --> 00:25:27,236 Why write? 435 00:25:30,531 --> 00:25:33,534 Now you made the deadline. 436 00:25:44,002 --> 00:25:46,880 Come on. Make your wish. 437 00:25:59,518 --> 00:26:00,936 Thank you. 438 00:26:02,271 --> 00:26:03,564 Kevin. 439 00:26:03,647 --> 00:26:05,107 You must be "Ennis." 440 00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:06,733 That's Dennis. 441 00:26:06,817 --> 00:26:09,778 Somebody ate the " D." 442 00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:13,615 - Are these yours? - Yeah. 443 00:26:13,699 --> 00:26:16,285 I found your darkroom when I was looking for the bathroom... 444 00:26:16,368 --> 00:26:19,037 so I figured you were a photographer or something. 445 00:26:20,122 --> 00:26:21,331 Or somethin'. 446 00:26:22,791 --> 00:26:26,211 - I like this one. - That was my first class assignment. 447 00:26:26,295 --> 00:26:30,257 We had to find an inanimate object that represented our emotional state. 448 00:26:30,340 --> 00:26:33,218 I had just come out of the closet, hadn't met any of my friends yet... 449 00:26:33,302 --> 00:26:36,513 but I was still feeling a sense of strength and independence. 450 00:26:37,806 --> 00:26:40,517 I think it looks lonely. 451 00:26:40,559 --> 00:26:41,935 You're Benji's friend? 452 00:26:42,811 --> 00:26:45,022 Oh, yeah. More sort of coworker... 453 00:26:45,063 --> 00:26:47,691 but I like him. 454 00:26:47,733 --> 00:26:49,776 - Apparently not enough. - What's that mean? 455 00:26:51,153 --> 00:26:54,740 Between you and me, I think you kind of dashed his hopes tonight. 456 00:26:54,823 --> 00:26:58,827 You've been a hot topic of conversation since you joined the Structure family. 457 00:26:59,953 --> 00:27:01,914 What, he's been talking about me? 458 00:27:02,748 --> 00:27:05,959 Relax. It's just a crush. 459 00:27:06,043 --> 00:27:07,961 I mean, you should be flattered. 460 00:27:08,921 --> 00:27:12,508 By the next full moon, he'll have a new one. It's his way. 461 00:27:12,591 --> 00:27:14,718 I don't get you guys. 462 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,471 Is that all you do, sit around here and talk about men? 463 00:27:17,554 --> 00:27:20,098 Either that or we talk about men. 464 00:27:21,183 --> 00:27:22,643 Yeah, well... 465 00:27:22,726 --> 00:27:24,978 I think it's really gay. 466 00:27:27,397 --> 00:27:29,816 - You're not out, are you? - What? 467 00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:33,237 You're not just a newbie. You're not even out to anyone. 468 00:27:33,987 --> 00:27:36,573 - I don't think it's anyone's business. - It isn't. 469 00:27:36,615 --> 00:27:39,284 - I'm getting tired of being asked. - I can imagine. 470 00:27:39,368 --> 00:27:41,870 Why do I have to tell anyone anyway? 471 00:27:41,954 --> 00:27:45,123 Maybe I'm straight. Maybe I'm gay. Maybe I haven't decided. 472 00:27:45,207 --> 00:27:47,584 Maybe I should say good night. 473 00:27:47,626 --> 00:27:49,753 Yeah. Good night. 474 00:27:55,968 --> 00:27:57,469 You're right. 475 00:27:57,553 --> 00:27:59,471 It looks lonely. 476 00:28:10,190 --> 00:28:13,235 I can't decide if my friends are the best or worst thing to happen to me. 477 00:28:13,318 --> 00:28:15,946 Clearly, without them, my life would be a lot less fun... 478 00:28:16,029 --> 00:28:17,990 but with them... 479 00:28:19,116 --> 00:28:22,619 I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a life of my own. 480 00:28:23,871 --> 00:28:26,915 Do you know what I'm talking about? 481 00:28:26,999 --> 00:28:30,210 Do you want to keep it short on top? 482 00:28:30,294 --> 00:28:31,712 Yeah. 483 00:28:33,839 --> 00:28:36,967 I know they're my friends. I just don't know if I can trust any of them. 484 00:28:37,050 --> 00:28:39,011 Especially when it comes to men. 485 00:28:39,052 --> 00:28:41,471 Every time I introduce someone, they're all over him. 486 00:28:41,555 --> 00:28:43,557 Watch your posture, all right? 487 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:44,975 Sorry. 488 00:28:45,017 --> 00:28:47,060 Take, for instance, the party the other night. 489 00:28:47,144 --> 00:28:49,980 Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him from Hawaii. 490 00:28:50,063 --> 00:28:52,649 Howie went home with Marshall again. 491 00:28:52,733 --> 00:28:55,903 Benji's quasi-boyfriend slept with Cole. 492 00:28:55,986 --> 00:29:00,324 And my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm. 493 00:29:00,365 --> 00:29:02,868 It's like one big gay soap opera. 494 00:29:02,910 --> 00:29:05,746 I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room... 495 00:29:05,829 --> 00:29:09,541 and tell me she secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company. 496 00:29:09,625 --> 00:29:14,087 I was watching this documentary on cable about this tribe of monkeys in Somalia. 497 00:29:14,171 --> 00:29:18,008 Benji was telling me about this documentary he saw about monkeys-- 498 00:29:18,091 --> 00:29:18,759 In Somalia. 499 00:29:18,842 --> 00:29:22,554 They hang out with each other until mating season, and then just like that-- 500 00:29:22,638 --> 00:29:26,016 They attack each other. It's survival of the fittest. 501 00:29:26,099 --> 00:29:29,311 I thought to myself, that's our group. 502 00:29:29,394 --> 00:29:30,646 That's us. 503 00:29:30,729 --> 00:29:34,441 We're those monkeys, and I'm the monkey with the image problem. 504 00:29:34,525 --> 00:29:37,402 The only one who's unfaxed by anything is Cole. 505 00:29:37,486 --> 00:29:39,071 I mean,just look at him. 506 00:29:39,154 --> 00:29:41,573 He's gorgeous, completely straight-acting. 507 00:29:41,657 --> 00:29:43,992 He's the ultimate meanwhile, and he has no soul. 508 00:29:44,076 --> 00:29:46,328 My dad would sleep with Cole. 509 00:29:47,996 --> 00:29:51,917 If you asked me, Cole is precisely what's wrong with this group. 510 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,838 We all want to be him, but we're all afraid to admit it. 511 00:29:55,921 --> 00:29:58,674 Actually, Howie would probably admit it. 512 00:29:58,757 --> 00:30:01,009 I wanna be Cole. Why can't I be Cole? 513 00:30:01,093 --> 00:30:03,011 Why can't God have made me Cole? 514 00:30:06,849 --> 00:30:08,767 My friends get a haircut with this. 515 00:30:08,851 --> 00:30:11,478 It's not like I wanna be Cole or anything. 516 00:30:11,562 --> 00:30:14,022 He just makes it all look so easy. 517 00:30:14,106 --> 00:30:17,901 I just wish it was, you know, that easy to let someone in. 518 00:30:17,985 --> 00:30:19,361 To get a boyfriend. 519 00:30:19,444 --> 00:30:21,113 To be beautiful. 520 00:30:23,365 --> 00:30:25,284 Thanks, Betty. 521 00:30:25,367 --> 00:30:27,870 You always know just what to say. 522 00:30:27,953 --> 00:30:29,371 It's a gift. 523 00:30:38,755 --> 00:30:40,841 Where is my living room? 524 00:30:40,924 --> 00:30:44,344 - I just shifted it around a little. - No, this is your living room. 525 00:30:44,428 --> 00:30:46,013 You didn't shift my living room around. 526 00:30:46,096 --> 00:30:48,056 You shifted my living room out and your living room in. 527 00:30:48,140 --> 00:30:50,225 So where is my living room? 528 00:30:50,309 --> 00:30:52,644 Distributed evenly around the house. 529 00:30:52,728 --> 00:30:54,938 - Distribute it back. - It took me all day. 530 00:30:55,022 --> 00:30:57,524 Start now, you'll be done in time to set your curlers for bed. 531 00:30:57,608 --> 00:30:59,651 Okay, Dennis. Think of it this way. 532 00:30:59,735 --> 00:31:03,322 A furniture arrangement is like a new hairstyle, right? 533 00:31:03,405 --> 00:31:06,783 You have to live with it for a few days before you know if you like it or not. 534 00:31:06,825 --> 00:31:08,785 That's not true. 535 00:31:08,827 --> 00:31:12,122 I haven't had a shag, but I don't have to live with one for a few days... 536 00:31:12,206 --> 00:31:14,166 to know that I don't want one. 537 00:31:16,543 --> 00:31:17,794 Thank God you're home. 538 00:31:17,878 --> 00:31:19,838 Thanks to Mufassa here, it's now a Tunisian hut. 539 00:31:19,922 --> 00:31:22,424 - Why do I even try? - I have amazing news. 540 00:31:22,508 --> 00:31:26,303 This casting director is bringing me in for this role in this Kip Rogers movie. 541 00:31:26,386 --> 00:31:29,139 - That's terrific. - Except I ran out of head shots. 542 00:31:29,223 --> 00:31:31,183 - You need me to make a head shot. - Bingo. 543 00:31:31,266 --> 00:31:33,477 - Go get your negatives. - I love you. 544 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,687 You are a fucking godsend. 545 00:31:35,771 --> 00:31:38,106 I hear Kip Rogers is a big fag. 546 00:31:38,190 --> 00:31:40,359 Kip Rogers is not gay. He's married. 547 00:31:40,442 --> 00:31:45,614 Please, that's right up there with, "He's not gay. He's in a fraternity." 548 00:31:52,037 --> 00:31:55,040 My agent thinks that I have a really good shot for this one. 549 00:31:55,082 --> 00:31:58,377 Says they're just looking for a face. 550 00:31:58,460 --> 00:32:01,046 Doesn't that bother you? 551 00:32:01,129 --> 00:32:04,883 - That people think I'm attractive? - That that's all they think. 552 00:32:04,967 --> 00:32:07,219 That's not necessarily true. 553 00:32:07,302 --> 00:32:10,055 When was the last time you got asked to audition for a role? 554 00:32:10,138 --> 00:32:13,016 It's always they want a look or face... 555 00:32:13,100 --> 00:32:14,518 or nice eyes. 556 00:32:14,601 --> 00:32:18,021 So what? Who gives a fuck? That's my way in. 557 00:32:18,063 --> 00:32:21,066 What matters is whether or not I have the shit to back it up. 558 00:32:22,150 --> 00:32:24,278 I guess. 559 00:32:25,404 --> 00:32:28,740 - So you like this Kevin kid? - He's nice enough, sure. 560 00:32:28,824 --> 00:32:31,118 That's how you feel about him? He's nice enough? 561 00:32:31,201 --> 00:32:33,161 Do I agree with his opinions on the Middle East? 562 00:32:33,245 --> 00:32:34,872 Forget I asked. 563 00:32:34,955 --> 00:32:37,916 It's been a week. Who knows what I feel? 564 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,336 I think if this is gonna be another random you sleep with and dump-- 565 00:32:41,420 --> 00:32:44,464 - Another? - You don't have the best track record. 566 00:32:44,548 --> 00:32:47,551 - You're not taking home the gold. - This isn't about me. 567 00:32:47,634 --> 00:32:51,597 What is your excuse for not settling down with one of your scams? 568 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,682 You don't even call them back. 569 00:32:53,765 --> 00:32:56,393 At least I have the decency to date them for a little while. 570 00:32:56,435 --> 00:32:58,437 Which brings me to my point. 571 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,940 Why lead somebody on when you know it's not gonna work out? 572 00:33:03,108 --> 00:33:04,651 Because what if it does? 573 00:33:04,735 --> 00:33:06,695 A relationship can't be built on lust. 574 00:33:06,778 --> 00:33:11,408 No more than you can base a relationship off coffee and good conversation... 575 00:33:11,450 --> 00:33:14,119 but that works just fine for our first date. 576 00:33:16,955 --> 00:33:18,540 There it is. 577 00:33:19,499 --> 00:33:20,918 Well. 578 00:33:22,294 --> 00:33:24,505 Have you gained weight? 579 00:33:24,588 --> 00:33:26,298 What? Where? 580 00:33:27,716 --> 00:33:30,677 I can't help it. Every night at about 1 1..00 it hits. 581 00:33:30,761 --> 00:33:34,139 This awful panic that I'm gonna have to spend another evening alone. 582 00:33:34,223 --> 00:33:36,141 So I go over there. 583 00:33:36,225 --> 00:33:39,770 - That's called being horny. - It's not horny. 584 00:33:39,811 --> 00:33:41,271 I know horny. 585 00:33:41,313 --> 00:33:43,482 I've taken entire lecture series on horny. 586 00:33:43,565 --> 00:33:46,276 They have lecture series on horny? 587 00:33:46,318 --> 00:33:48,278 They don't call it that. 588 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:51,031 You think I should paint my toenails again? 589 00:33:54,326 --> 00:33:56,995 Any time you hags wanna join the game. 590 00:33:57,079 --> 00:34:00,374 I hate the outfield. There's too much action. 591 00:34:04,670 --> 00:34:06,547 Where did my mitt go? 592 00:34:09,758 --> 00:34:13,470 Oh, say can you see 593 00:34:13,554 --> 00:34:15,973 How y'all doin'? 594 00:34:16,056 --> 00:34:19,017 You ready for this? You ready for this one? 595 00:34:19,059 --> 00:34:21,019 Attaboy, Taylor! 596 00:34:21,103 --> 00:34:23,647 With a monarch's voice, cry havoc... 597 00:34:23,730 --> 00:34:26,775 and let slip the dogs of war! 598 00:34:28,777 --> 00:34:29,695 Strike! 599 00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:38,161 Our first game of the season, and they pit us against the Hollywood Firemen? 600 00:34:38,245 --> 00:34:42,332 Not only are they better than us, they're a physical distraction. 601 00:34:42,416 --> 00:34:43,959 Come on. Let's play. 602 00:34:44,751 --> 00:34:46,461 Look at that. 603 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:51,258 Strike two. 604 00:34:52,384 --> 00:34:55,470 You know, if he was smart, he'd hurl himself in front of the ball. 605 00:34:55,554 --> 00:34:58,265 - I tell you, it's the law of fractions. - You're insane. 606 00:34:58,348 --> 00:35:00,309 Howie thinks one of the other players is gay. 607 00:35:00,392 --> 00:35:03,103 It's a known scientific fact that one out of ten men is gay. 608 00:35:03,187 --> 00:35:05,689 Including the bench, they've got 1 1 players. You do the math. 609 00:35:05,772 --> 00:35:07,524 I dare you to share that with them. 610 00:35:10,152 --> 00:35:11,653 Thank you. 611 00:35:12,446 --> 00:35:14,489 Where's Cole? He's up after Will. 612 00:35:16,408 --> 00:35:17,951 I'll get him. 613 00:35:18,035 --> 00:35:19,953 Strike three! You're out! 614 00:35:20,037 --> 00:35:23,373 I don't understand why they don't just let me hit off the tee. 615 00:35:23,457 --> 00:35:25,375 Shut up, bitches. 616 00:35:36,762 --> 00:35:38,263 You're up in two. 617 00:35:40,015 --> 00:35:41,517 Thanks, Den. 618 00:35:52,361 --> 00:35:55,030 So you're still deciding if you're gay? 619 00:35:55,113 --> 00:35:59,493 I'm going with the shortstop 'cause he's the only one with the shirt tucked in. 620 00:36:00,619 --> 00:36:02,037 Benj, hold these. 621 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:05,165 Cole, if you had to pick a mole off the other team, who would it be? 622 00:36:06,708 --> 00:36:08,961 No problem. Catcher. 623 00:36:09,044 --> 00:36:10,712 Catcher? Yeah, right. 624 00:36:10,796 --> 00:36:13,799 The biggest meanwhile on the team is really gay? People think I'm crazy. 625 00:36:13,882 --> 00:36:15,592 The guy's a total breeder. 626 00:36:15,676 --> 00:36:18,637 First round at Jack's says I'm right. 627 00:36:21,557 --> 00:36:23,183 Who's the coach? 628 00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:26,854 That's Jack. Loves baseball and Hawaiian shirts. 629 00:36:26,937 --> 00:36:30,190 - Shakespeare fan, huh? - Classically trained. 630 00:36:30,274 --> 00:36:34,820 Before he opened the restaurant, he was a stage actor in New York. 631 00:36:34,903 --> 00:36:37,447 See that man? That's his partner of 20 years. 632 00:36:37,531 --> 00:36:39,533 Plays piano at the restaurant. 633 00:36:39,616 --> 00:36:41,243 Comes to all the games. 634 00:36:41,326 --> 00:36:43,829 We call him Purple Guy, for obvious reasons. 635 00:36:43,912 --> 00:36:45,330 Yeah. 636 00:36:46,456 --> 00:36:48,584 Wow. 637 00:36:53,797 --> 00:36:55,549 Hey, Mr. Catcher. 638 00:36:57,968 --> 00:36:59,469 You got a name? 639 00:36:59,553 --> 00:37:01,638 Sure. 640 00:37:01,722 --> 00:37:03,974 It's Low and Inside. 641 00:37:05,017 --> 00:37:06,810 Strike! 642 00:37:08,228 --> 00:37:11,315 - Thanks for the tip. - Next time listen to me. 643 00:37:12,608 --> 00:37:15,485 My friends and I have a little bet goin'... 644 00:37:15,527 --> 00:37:18,989 that one of you fire boys plays on our league, if you know what I mean. 645 00:37:19,072 --> 00:37:20,490 That's interesting. 646 00:37:21,700 --> 00:37:24,203 - Who'd you bet on? - You. 647 00:37:24,286 --> 00:37:25,746 Ball! 648 00:37:30,876 --> 00:37:32,252 So do I win? 649 00:37:34,254 --> 00:37:35,589 What tipped you off? 650 00:37:35,672 --> 00:37:40,344 I've been up to bat twice, and twice I've caught you staring at my ass. 651 00:37:41,428 --> 00:37:42,846 Ball. 652 00:37:51,146 --> 00:37:53,565 So what are the chances of me getting your number? 653 00:37:53,649 --> 00:37:55,943 Sorry. I'm seeing someone. 654 00:37:56,026 --> 00:37:57,110 So was I. 655 00:37:57,194 --> 00:37:59,154 Strike two! 656 00:37:59,238 --> 00:38:01,782 Two and two, batter. 657 00:38:01,865 --> 00:38:04,743 I missed that one on purpose so I could ask again. 658 00:38:05,619 --> 00:38:08,205 What are the chances of getting your number? 659 00:38:11,083 --> 00:38:13,418 About the chance of you hitting a home run. 660 00:38:20,717 --> 00:38:21,969 Yeah, go! 661 00:38:25,764 --> 00:38:27,850 Print neatly. 662 00:39:22,654 --> 00:39:25,032 - You ever talk to him? - Purple guy? 663 00:39:26,283 --> 00:39:29,953 I thought he said hi to me once. Turned out it was just a burp. 664 00:39:33,790 --> 00:39:35,959 I wonder what Jack sees in him. 665 00:39:36,043 --> 00:39:39,713 I don't know. Whatever it is, though, he couldn't be happier. 666 00:39:40,797 --> 00:39:44,134 The world's only prompt lesbians. 667 00:39:44,218 --> 00:39:47,095 Well, I'm off. 668 00:39:47,179 --> 00:39:49,806 - Wish me luck. - You're not gonna do it. 669 00:40:07,366 --> 00:40:08,367 I don't get it. Are we breaking up? 670 00:40:08,367 --> 00:40:10,661 I don't get it. Are we breaking up? 671 00:40:10,744 --> 00:40:12,663 See, that's the thing. 672 00:40:12,746 --> 00:40:16,416 That you would think there was actually something to break up... 673 00:40:16,500 --> 00:40:20,295 implies we were never really clear on what we had to begin with. 674 00:40:20,379 --> 00:40:22,673 That lack of clarity... 675 00:40:22,756 --> 00:40:24,174 well... 676 00:40:25,259 --> 00:40:26,760 frightens me. 677 00:40:30,639 --> 00:40:32,432 What? 678 00:40:32,516 --> 00:40:34,935 - What's up with them? - Cole's breaking up with him. 679 00:40:35,018 --> 00:40:37,896 In the course of six innings? What happened? 680 00:40:37,980 --> 00:40:41,275 He got the catcher's number. The fucker was right. 681 00:40:45,237 --> 00:40:47,447 - Where's Kevin? - He doesn't feel like coming. 682 00:40:47,531 --> 00:40:49,491 Obviously. 683 00:40:49,575 --> 00:40:51,869 - Something wrong here? -Jig's up, Mr. Man. 684 00:40:51,952 --> 00:40:54,413 We know all about this little Heartbreak Hotel you're runnin'. 685 00:40:54,496 --> 00:40:56,665 We're here to shut that shit down. 686 00:40:56,748 --> 00:41:00,002 Relax, Tex. All I did is cool things off. 687 00:41:00,085 --> 00:41:02,504 Was that what you were doing behind the bleachers, cooling things off? 688 00:41:06,758 --> 00:41:09,469 - I had a change of heart. Shoot me. - You're so full of shit. 689 00:41:09,553 --> 00:41:12,514 I'm a little sick of your self-righteous attitude lately. 690 00:41:12,598 --> 00:41:17,227 You toss one scam out of bed, and suddenly you are St.-fuckin'-Gandhi. 691 00:41:20,647 --> 00:41:24,526 You know what I meant. Bottom line, that kid is a newbie. 692 00:41:24,610 --> 00:41:27,029 He can't even admit to being gay. 693 00:41:27,112 --> 00:41:30,032 What he needs right now are friends, not a boyfriend. 694 00:41:31,783 --> 00:41:33,160 Where you goin'? 695 00:41:33,243 --> 00:41:35,787 You're right. What he needs now are friends. 696 00:41:40,959 --> 00:41:43,754 - He wants to sleep with him. - Thank you. 697 00:41:49,176 --> 00:41:52,054 Hey, we're going to Jack's. It's one of our many losing traditions. 698 00:41:52,137 --> 00:41:54,181 -Just fuck off. - You should come. 699 00:41:54,264 --> 00:41:56,892 Everyone gets dumped first time around. 700 00:41:56,975 --> 00:41:59,978 It's the rule of all newbie relationships. 701 00:42:00,062 --> 00:42:03,315 What happens next? Do I become like you and your friends? 702 00:42:03,398 --> 00:42:05,400 You don't even know my friends. 703 00:42:05,484 --> 00:42:08,695 I know them well enough to know you're a bunch of bitter, jaded-- 704 00:42:08,779 --> 00:42:11,031 Fags? Go ahead and say it. 705 00:42:11,114 --> 00:42:13,158 - I wasn't going to say that. - You should. 706 00:42:13,242 --> 00:42:15,661 Maybe then you'd be less afraid of what it means. 707 00:42:18,914 --> 00:42:20,916 Why can't everything just slow down? 708 00:42:20,999 --> 00:42:24,920 I promise it will, but you can't go back now. 709 00:42:26,755 --> 00:42:29,341 At least go have a cup of coffee with me? 710 00:42:31,343 --> 00:42:33,720 - One condition. - What? 711 00:42:33,804 --> 00:42:35,722 West Hollywood's that way. 712 00:42:37,432 --> 00:42:41,270 Show me one thing you find interesting that way. 713 00:42:41,353 --> 00:42:44,189 - So you come here a lot? - You could say that. 714 00:42:45,357 --> 00:42:47,484 In fact, next to Karen Carpenter... 715 00:42:47,568 --> 00:42:49,945 this place is the closest thing to perfection I know. 716 00:42:50,028 --> 00:42:52,322 The Carpenters? Now, that I get. 717 00:42:52,364 --> 00:42:54,950 - You like the Carpenters? - Insanely. 718 00:42:55,033 --> 00:42:57,828 Here's to your first O.G.T. 719 00:42:57,911 --> 00:42:59,830 Obviously Gay Trait. 720 00:42:59,913 --> 00:43:03,333 Mine are love of the Carpenters, culinary interests... 721 00:43:03,375 --> 00:43:06,795 and intense fear of blood sports. 722 00:43:06,879 --> 00:43:10,382 I don't get it. Why be friends with a group of people just because you're gay? 723 00:43:10,465 --> 00:43:12,467 That's not why we're friends. 724 00:43:12,551 --> 00:43:16,346 It may be why we became friends, but that's not why we're friends. 725 00:43:18,557 --> 00:43:21,018 - Doesn't that drive you crazy? - Of course. 726 00:43:21,059 --> 00:43:25,230 At least six times a year, I threaten to move to Europe like my brother did. 727 00:43:25,314 --> 00:43:27,482 Only I wouldn't go for just a few months. I'd stay. 728 00:43:27,566 --> 00:43:31,862 I'd bring my camera, finally take my time developing a photographer's eye. 729 00:43:32,905 --> 00:43:34,865 Really find my voice. 730 00:43:36,408 --> 00:43:38,577 Then something happens. 731 00:43:38,660 --> 00:43:41,163 A birthday, summer parties... 732 00:43:41,246 --> 00:43:43,707 Christmas, great night of dancing. 733 00:43:43,749 --> 00:43:46,543 And I'm with them and... 734 00:43:46,585 --> 00:43:50,172 suddenly I can't imagine being anywhere else. 735 00:43:50,255 --> 00:43:52,174 So I stay. 736 00:43:57,429 --> 00:43:59,723 Have you told anybody about what you're going through? 737 00:43:59,765 --> 00:44:01,725 - A few people. - Like? 738 00:44:03,227 --> 00:44:06,146 - My sister. - Ooh, that's worth at least ten points. 739 00:44:06,230 --> 00:44:09,691 Yeah, it wasn't planned. I was home last Christmas, and she caught me. 740 00:44:09,775 --> 00:44:12,236 - With a guy? - No, alone. 741 00:44:12,277 --> 00:44:14,655 By myself, flying solo. 742 00:44:14,738 --> 00:44:17,032 Ouch. To what, gay porn? 743 00:44:17,115 --> 00:44:19,326 Oh, no. Worse than that. 744 00:44:19,409 --> 00:44:22,079 An article on Antonio Sabato,Jr. 745 00:44:22,162 --> 00:44:26,416 I thought my mom would be cooler. She was a '60s love child. 746 00:44:26,458 --> 00:44:29,545 In high school, she caught me smoking pot with my friends. 747 00:44:29,628 --> 00:44:32,381 All she said was, "I hope you didn't pay market for that." 748 00:44:32,464 --> 00:44:36,593 But when I told her I was gay, she didn't talk to me for a month. 749 00:44:36,677 --> 00:44:38,512 - How is she now? - Better. 750 00:44:38,595 --> 00:44:41,265 Still refers to the homosexual population as "the gays"... 751 00:44:41,306 --> 00:44:44,017 like they live on her block or somethin'. 752 00:44:44,101 --> 00:44:47,187 " Dennis, I see the gays had a parade. Did you go?" 753 00:44:48,689 --> 00:44:50,607 My dad would have been different. 754 00:44:50,691 --> 00:44:53,735 - You didn't tell him? - He died before I told anyone. 755 00:44:53,819 --> 00:44:56,196 My biggest regret: he died not knowing me. 756 00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:59,449 You can't say that. Maybe he didn't know-- 757 00:44:59,491 --> 00:45:01,535 He died not knowing me. 758 00:45:06,206 --> 00:45:08,584 We want your sperm. We're not asking you to move in. 759 00:45:08,667 --> 00:45:11,628 What about cousin Jeffrey? He's got our genes. He could donate. 760 00:45:11,670 --> 00:45:14,298 Jeffrey's a Promise Keeper and a card-carrying member of the NRA. 761 00:45:14,381 --> 00:45:16,967 He doesn't have any genes I'm interested in, Patrick. 762 00:45:17,050 --> 00:45:19,136 I'm sorry. My answer still stands. 763 00:45:19,219 --> 00:45:21,138 I told you we should have drugged him and jerked him off. 764 00:45:21,221 --> 00:45:23,307 Drug me and jerk-- Do you hear this? 765 00:45:23,390 --> 00:45:25,475 This is the woman that you want to become a mother with. 766 00:45:25,559 --> 00:45:28,020 - She's being serious. - Okay. 767 00:45:28,103 --> 00:45:30,397 You two want the truth? Here's the truth. 768 00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:34,693 You guys can't keep a plant alive. How are you gonna take care of a child? 769 00:45:34,776 --> 00:45:39,156 We haven't even discussed the realities of what this kid will have to deal with. 770 00:45:40,699 --> 00:45:44,912 Are you prepared to answer, " Mom #1 , why is Mom #2's brother my father?" 771 00:45:44,995 --> 00:45:48,665 Look at the three of us. What kind of Christmas card is this gonna make? 772 00:45:48,707 --> 00:45:51,627 You know what? I don't have to listen to this. 773 00:45:51,710 --> 00:45:55,214 I'm doing this for your sister because she wanted to involve you in this. 774 00:45:55,297 --> 00:45:58,675 She had this funny idea that maybe if we did... 775 00:45:58,759 --> 00:46:02,804 you'd get your shit together and start taking responsibility for your life. 776 00:46:02,888 --> 00:46:04,806 But I can see that you'd rather not. 777 00:46:04,890 --> 00:46:07,809 That's fine with me. I'm going to get the car. 778 00:46:09,603 --> 00:46:12,814 Is that what this is about? Some sort of mission to save me? 779 00:46:16,568 --> 00:46:18,820 Patrick, when you came out... 780 00:46:18,904 --> 00:46:22,658 you said it was because you couldn't live the rest of your life in misery. 781 00:46:24,785 --> 00:46:27,496 And I have never seen you more miserable. 782 00:46:37,673 --> 00:46:41,218 I'm sorry, gentlemen, but the evidence is rudimentary. 783 00:46:41,301 --> 00:46:43,470 There's not a single film in the cinema canon... 784 00:46:43,554 --> 00:46:46,849 that paints a portrait of a gay man that any of us would aspire to be. 785 00:46:46,932 --> 00:46:49,560 What are our options? Noble, suffering AI DS victims... 786 00:46:49,643 --> 00:46:52,855 the friends of noble, suffering AI DS victims... 787 00:46:52,938 --> 00:46:55,274 compulsive sex addicts, common street hustlers... 788 00:46:55,357 --> 00:46:57,901 and the most recent addition to the lot... 789 00:46:57,985 --> 00:47:00,153 stylish confidantes to lovelorn women. 790 00:47:00,237 --> 00:47:03,907 Just once I'd like to see a gay character that is not sick... 791 00:47:03,949 --> 00:47:08,579 has not been laid in about three months and is behind on his student loans. 792 00:47:08,662 --> 00:47:10,747 And that's someone you would aspire to be. 793 00:47:10,831 --> 00:47:12,749 At least they would be someone real. 794 00:47:12,833 --> 00:47:16,628 Can you imagine if they made a film about us, our group of friends? 795 00:47:16,712 --> 00:47:19,548 Maybe then we wouldn't have to shamefully compare ourselves... 796 00:47:19,631 --> 00:47:22,217 to "Steel Magnolias." 797 00:47:22,301 --> 00:47:24,720 He is so Sally Fields. 798 00:47:24,803 --> 00:47:27,639 - I thought I was Sally Fields. - No, you're Shirley MacLaine. 799 00:47:29,808 --> 00:47:31,602 Which one am I? 800 00:47:31,685 --> 00:47:33,103 Julia Roberts. 801 00:47:34,563 --> 00:47:36,481 For your nerves, honey. 802 00:47:44,031 --> 00:47:46,491 What are you doing here? We agreed not to see each other in public. 803 00:47:46,575 --> 00:47:49,453 - I said it was too hard. - I didn't know you were gonna be here. 804 00:47:49,536 --> 00:47:51,914 We had a game today. We always come here after the game. 805 00:47:51,997 --> 00:47:54,833 - I'm telling you, I forgot. - Whatever. 806 00:47:56,502 --> 00:47:58,921 Since you're here, if you want to join us for a drink. 807 00:48:00,005 --> 00:48:01,548 - I can't. - You can't? 808 00:48:01,632 --> 00:48:03,467 I'm trying to tell you that I can't. 809 00:48:03,550 --> 00:48:05,969 There are no tables available, so it might be a while. 810 00:48:06,053 --> 00:48:09,306 Oh, it's too busy here, so we should probably go to the movie anyway. 811 00:48:09,348 --> 00:48:10,807 Cool. 812 00:48:21,527 --> 00:48:24,404 I didn't see you out there. 813 00:48:24,488 --> 00:48:25,697 I came in the back. 814 00:48:25,781 --> 00:48:29,743 I felt like an emergency piece of cobbler before I faced the crowd. 815 00:48:29,826 --> 00:48:31,787 How'd it go with the girls? 816 00:48:33,539 --> 00:48:35,707 It went. 817 00:48:37,209 --> 00:48:39,461 I miss anything? 818 00:48:39,545 --> 00:48:41,547 Same old song. 819 00:48:41,630 --> 00:48:44,675 Howie was going on about gay cinema. 820 00:48:44,758 --> 00:48:47,594 Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay. 821 00:48:47,678 --> 00:48:50,222 You'd have no identity. 822 00:48:50,305 --> 00:48:53,892 It was easy when you couldn't talk about it. Now it's all you talk about. 823 00:48:53,976 --> 00:48:56,812 You talk about it so much that sometimes you forget about... 824 00:48:56,895 --> 00:48:58,981 all the other things that you are. 825 00:49:00,232 --> 00:49:02,359 When I watch them, it feels so strange. 826 00:49:02,442 --> 00:49:05,070 It's like I'm not even a part of it. 827 00:49:05,153 --> 00:49:07,489 They're all so much more attractive than I am. 828 00:49:09,199 --> 00:49:11,118 No. You know what? 829 00:49:11,201 --> 00:49:13,203 I don't mind. Really, I don't. 830 00:49:13,287 --> 00:49:15,455 I kind of like being attractive by association. 831 00:49:15,539 --> 00:49:18,709 It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful. 832 00:49:20,377 --> 00:49:22,087 Help me put my dress on. 833 00:49:22,171 --> 00:49:25,299 Jack, you're not going out in drag tonight. 834 00:49:25,382 --> 00:49:27,342 It's Saturday. The crowd expects it. 835 00:49:27,426 --> 00:49:30,846 The madness has got to stop. You don't even like wearing women's clothes. 836 00:49:30,929 --> 00:49:31,847 So? 837 00:49:31,930 --> 00:49:34,308 So it's a disgrace to drag performers everywhere. 838 00:49:34,391 --> 00:49:36,351 Big fuckin' deal. 839 00:49:36,435 --> 00:49:39,688 And it completely plays into the whole gay stereotype. 840 00:49:39,771 --> 00:49:41,982 Again, big fucking deal. 841 00:49:42,065 --> 00:49:44,526 And your tits are always crooked. 842 00:49:45,277 --> 00:49:49,072 - No shit? Nobody ever told me that. - Well, they are. 843 00:49:49,114 --> 00:49:50,949 Here, come here. 844 00:50:00,209 --> 00:50:03,086 I've never felt a man up before. 845 00:50:03,128 --> 00:50:04,463 There. That's-- 846 00:50:04,546 --> 00:50:06,757 Okay. Zip me up, would you? 847 00:50:10,469 --> 00:50:12,596 Oh, okay. All right. 848 00:50:17,893 --> 00:50:20,854 Everybody can't be the same, Patrick. 849 00:50:20,938 --> 00:50:22,856 Everybody can't be straight. 850 00:50:22,940 --> 00:50:25,859 Everybody can't be beautiful. 851 00:50:25,943 --> 00:50:28,403 Some people are just gay and average. 852 00:50:33,283 --> 00:50:35,702 We're the strongest, I think. 853 00:50:54,137 --> 00:50:57,558 Hello, boys! Hello. 854 00:50:57,641 --> 00:51:02,396 I'm sorry. I know we were supposed to start two hours ago. 855 00:51:02,479 --> 00:51:06,692 But you know what they say? Better latent than never. 856 00:51:06,775 --> 00:51:09,820 So to start with, I'd like to do a little number... 857 00:51:09,903 --> 00:51:12,155 from my first platinum album... 858 00:51:12,239 --> 00:51:14,074 Color Me Jack. 859 00:51:16,535 --> 00:51:18,662 Hit it, honey. 860 00:51:20,539 --> 00:51:24,751 Shall we join the ladies Yes, do, let's join the ladies 861 00:51:24,835 --> 00:51:28,714 And make one great big lady 862 00:51:32,509 --> 00:51:35,012 You sure you don't want to come in? 863 00:51:35,095 --> 00:51:38,348 I do. I'm just not ready for it all yet. 864 00:51:38,432 --> 00:51:41,226 - I have the same number as Cole. - Don't worry. 865 00:51:41,310 --> 00:51:42,603 I'll call. 866 00:51:42,686 --> 00:51:44,104 Okay. 867 00:51:44,188 --> 00:51:45,314 Good night. 868 00:51:48,984 --> 00:51:50,402 Bye. 869 00:52:06,418 --> 00:52:10,255 Just checking a page. I'm betting it's the fireman. 870 00:52:10,339 --> 00:52:12,799 Which, incidentally, would be record time. 871 00:52:12,883 --> 00:52:16,136 Yeah, but I just wanted to apologize for earlier. 872 00:52:16,220 --> 00:52:19,348 - About Kevin. - Oh, hey, no problem. 873 00:52:21,225 --> 00:52:23,393 Holy shit. Holy shit. 874 00:52:23,477 --> 00:52:25,646 - What is it? - No way. It's my agent. 875 00:52:25,729 --> 00:52:27,814 What's he saying? 876 00:52:27,898 --> 00:52:31,193 I got the part. I got the part in the movie. 877 00:52:31,276 --> 00:52:33,570 - You're kidding me. - Oh, my God. 878 00:52:33,654 --> 00:52:36,698 I leave in a week to shoot for a month in Phoenix. 879 00:52:36,782 --> 00:52:38,867 Holy shit. I got the part in Kip Rogers' movie. 880 00:52:38,951 --> 00:52:41,537 - I'll be in a movie with Kip Rogers. - This is incredible. 881 00:52:41,578 --> 00:52:43,080 No kidding. 882 00:52:43,121 --> 00:52:46,416 - It's a small part, but,Jesus Christ-- - I heard Kip Rogers was gay. 883 00:52:46,458 --> 00:52:48,252 He's not gay. He's married. 884 00:52:48,335 --> 00:52:50,546 I gotta tell the other guys. They're gonna freak. 885 00:52:54,299 --> 00:52:58,887 Hey, listen. Tell the other hags I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow. 886 00:52:58,971 --> 00:53:00,514 Where are you going? 887 00:53:00,597 --> 00:53:02,432 To my sister's. 888 00:53:02,516 --> 00:53:05,727 To see if it's not too late to change my mind about this whole baby thing. 889 00:53:05,811 --> 00:53:08,564 - What happened? - Nothing. 890 00:53:08,605 --> 00:53:12,442 Nothing ever happens. That's the whole point. 891 00:53:29,334 --> 00:53:32,504 You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here? 892 00:53:32,588 --> 00:53:35,716 I think that it's great that you're dating again. 893 00:53:37,176 --> 00:53:38,844 Yeah, it is. 894 00:53:38,927 --> 00:53:43,015 And it's not that I'm giving you my approval, but I am approving. 895 00:53:45,434 --> 00:53:48,145 - I'm going inside now. - Wait. Come on. 896 00:53:48,187 --> 00:53:51,982 Let me just come inside, just for a minute. 897 00:53:52,065 --> 00:53:53,984 Until you get off? 898 00:53:54,067 --> 00:53:56,361 - That is not true. - No, no. 899 00:53:56,445 --> 00:53:58,363 You'll be kind enough to share your latest theory... 900 00:53:58,447 --> 00:54:01,283 on why Snagglepuss was the first openly gay cartoon character. 901 00:54:01,366 --> 00:54:06,288 You know, if memory serves, it's your post-coital hashish bonfires... 902 00:54:06,371 --> 00:54:10,125 - that sent me running. - That is such a convenient argument. 903 00:54:10,209 --> 00:54:12,586 My pot smoking is the source of all our problems? 904 00:54:12,669 --> 00:54:15,506 God forbid it was symptomatic of our fucked-up relationship. 905 00:54:15,589 --> 00:54:18,926 I'm the one that studies relationships for a living. 906 00:54:19,009 --> 00:54:21,678 - Ours was quite normal. - Normal? 907 00:54:23,639 --> 00:54:27,518 When did you once express any physical affection outside of the bedroom? 908 00:54:27,601 --> 00:54:31,063 Do you know Brian actually held my hand in public tonight? 909 00:54:31,146 --> 00:54:34,608 Do you know what that's like to be with someone who's not terrified to do that? 910 00:54:35,359 --> 00:54:40,072 You know, I congratulate Mr. Gorgeous on his issue-less existence. 911 00:54:40,155 --> 00:54:42,324 So that's what this is about. 912 00:54:43,700 --> 00:54:47,663 Brian's better-looking than you, so I matter again. 913 00:54:48,705 --> 00:54:51,625 But if he was ugly, you wouldn't be here right now? Am I right? 914 00:54:56,922 --> 00:54:58,799 Thanks for not answering that. 915 00:55:02,886 --> 00:55:05,722 You know, Howie, I didn't ask for much from you... 916 00:55:05,764 --> 00:55:09,768 but it would be nice if your attraction to me had something to do with me. 917 00:55:20,529 --> 00:55:23,198 My ex is dating a print model. 918 00:55:23,282 --> 00:55:26,326 A blond, goy print model named Brian. 919 00:55:26,410 --> 00:55:28,912 Could that possibly hit on more of my issues? 920 00:55:28,996 --> 00:55:31,039 He could have a big penis. 921 00:55:31,123 --> 00:55:33,417 Which one of you hags suggested level eight? I'm dying. 922 00:55:33,458 --> 00:55:36,044 - Let's bring it down to seven. - Six, and I pick up lunch. 923 00:55:36,128 --> 00:55:38,130 It's a deal. Maybe he just wants to win you back. 924 00:55:38,213 --> 00:55:42,259 That's not Marshall's m.o. Unlike me, he doesn't have a vengeful bone in him. 925 00:55:42,342 --> 00:55:45,596 - Meanwhile-- - You have the oddest taste. 926 00:55:45,679 --> 00:55:47,181 - Sue me. - I don't understand. 927 00:55:47,264 --> 00:55:49,516 For months you've been guilty that you ended the relationship. 928 00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:52,978 - He's moved on and you sound worse. - Because my guilt I can control. 929 00:55:53,061 --> 00:55:56,481 It's my guilt. Jealousy is completely out of my hands. 930 00:55:56,565 --> 00:56:00,027 I'm with Dennis. How can you be jealous about something that you gave up on? 931 00:56:00,110 --> 00:56:01,945 I don't know. I just know that it's over... 932 00:56:02,029 --> 00:56:04,448 and you won't catch me going through any mourning cycle. 933 00:56:04,531 --> 00:56:06,658 Speaking of which, I haven't seen Princess Taylor all week. 934 00:56:06,742 --> 00:56:09,620 He's been curled up on my couch, watching old Joan Crawford movies. 935 00:56:09,661 --> 00:56:12,331 When I ask him what's wrong, he gives me this sinister look and mutters... 936 00:56:12,414 --> 00:56:15,918 - "Phase five, phase five." - The revenge phase. 937 00:56:15,959 --> 00:56:18,587 If I were you, I'd remove all sharp objects from the house. 938 00:56:18,670 --> 00:56:22,090 Is that what they're teaching you in school these days, young Sigmund? 939 00:56:22,174 --> 00:56:24,510 Guys, is that the girl from "Young and the Restless?" 940 00:56:24,593 --> 00:56:26,303 I'm so over "Y&R." 941 00:56:26,386 --> 00:56:29,973 You're excited for him to call, but you don't want to sleep with him? 942 00:56:30,057 --> 00:56:32,226 Even if I wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn't. 943 00:56:32,309 --> 00:56:34,853 - So you do want to sleep with him. - Why is it always about that? 944 00:56:34,937 --> 00:56:37,189 Don't you see what happens to us? 945 00:56:37,272 --> 00:56:40,984 We come out of the closet, we get our hearts stepped on like a Twister game... 946 00:56:41,026 --> 00:56:43,487 and we become more bitter than we were in the closet. 947 00:56:43,529 --> 00:56:47,032 The only thing keeping us from complete despair are the friendships we develop. 948 00:56:47,115 --> 00:56:49,201 I just want him to see that before it's too late. 949 00:56:49,284 --> 00:56:52,663 Before he becomes jaded, like us. 950 00:56:52,704 --> 00:56:56,208 Interesting. What you're trying to do is save yourself by saving Kevin. 951 00:56:56,291 --> 00:56:58,377 - It's classic projection. - You haven't answered my question. 952 00:56:58,460 --> 00:57:01,463 - No, I don't want to sleep with him. - Bullshit. 953 00:57:03,465 --> 00:57:06,176 - Benji's talking to Idaho guy. - Who's that? 954 00:57:06,218 --> 00:57:08,887 Idaho Guy is Benji's newest crush. 955 00:57:08,971 --> 00:57:11,723 He's been strategically working out near him for weeks... 956 00:57:11,807 --> 00:57:13,725 in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice. 957 00:57:13,809 --> 00:57:17,187 Why do you call him Idaho Guy? 958 00:57:17,271 --> 00:57:20,274 I don't know. He just kind of looks like he's from Idaho. 959 00:57:20,357 --> 00:57:23,026 It's not really one of our better ones. 960 00:57:23,068 --> 00:57:24,403 I'm freaking out. 961 00:57:24,486 --> 00:57:28,198 I was in the middle of my squats and he comes over and just gives me these tips. 962 00:57:28,282 --> 00:57:31,702 Is that like fate or what? Maybe I should get his number. 963 00:57:31,785 --> 00:57:35,247 No way, little Benjamin. Gym bunnies make a bad name for all of us. 964 00:57:35,330 --> 00:57:37,916 Their lives revolve around sex and protein shakes. 965 00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:39,501 And cat tranquilizers. 966 00:57:39,585 --> 00:57:43,547 If you intend on experiencing the joys of a bitter, codependent relationship... 967 00:57:43,630 --> 00:57:45,215 it won't be with a gym bunny. 968 00:57:45,299 --> 00:57:47,801 I don't care. I'm going back over there. 969 00:57:47,885 --> 00:57:52,181 Hi. I turned around and you were gone. I wanted to give you this. 970 00:57:53,599 --> 00:57:55,309 It's my number. 971 00:57:56,226 --> 00:57:58,896 Give me a call if you want. 972 00:58:00,647 --> 00:58:02,107 Yeah, definitely. 973 00:58:02,191 --> 00:58:04,109 That'll be cool. 974 00:58:27,925 --> 00:58:30,135 It's no improvement. 975 00:58:30,219 --> 00:58:32,596 I didn't pack a jacket. 976 00:58:32,679 --> 00:58:34,723 I hope Phoenix doesn't get cold at night. 977 00:58:34,806 --> 00:58:36,558 Should we call a doctor? 978 00:58:42,439 --> 00:58:45,817 He'll be all right.Just as long as he doesn't start boiling any rabbits. 979 00:58:49,446 --> 00:58:51,615 You know what? I almost forgot to tell you. 980 00:58:51,657 --> 00:58:53,867 That Kevin kid called while you were at the gym. 981 00:58:53,951 --> 00:58:56,411 - He did? - He said to call him back. 982 00:58:56,495 --> 00:58:59,373 Sounded kind of cold, though. I hope he doesn't still hate me. 983 00:58:59,456 --> 00:59:00,958 They never still hate you. 984 00:59:02,125 --> 00:59:04,837 It's funny, isn't it? I'd hate me. 985 00:59:04,920 --> 00:59:09,091 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'd hate you too. 986 00:59:09,132 --> 00:59:11,718 - Good luck. - Thank you very much. 987 00:59:31,113 --> 00:59:34,491 - "What is taking him so long?" - I don't know. 988 00:59:37,744 --> 00:59:40,205 It'll just be another minute more. I had to make a phone call. 989 00:59:40,289 --> 00:59:43,750 A phone call? I knew he was gonna pull some shit. 990 00:59:43,834 --> 00:59:46,336 - Patrick, what happened? - I couldn't do it. 991 00:59:46,420 --> 00:59:50,757 - I need material. - They don't have material? 992 00:59:50,841 --> 00:59:54,136 Well, the whole "Hustler" oeuvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now. 993 00:59:55,429 --> 00:59:58,891 Oh, my God. It's embarrassing to even be seen in here. 994 00:59:58,974 --> 01:00:01,768 - Did you bring the stash? - You owe me so big for this, hag. 995 01:00:01,852 --> 01:00:04,354 You know my issues with buying porno. 996 01:00:07,983 --> 01:00:09,401 Hurry up! 997 01:00:18,869 --> 01:00:22,247 - Hey, sorry I'm late. - Oh, no, it's cool. 998 01:00:23,957 --> 01:00:25,876 Crank it. 999 01:00:39,348 --> 01:00:41,934 Call it crazy, but I have this theory. 1000 01:00:42,017 --> 01:00:44,436 Bear with me. 1001 01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:46,563 I believe that there are gay numbers. 1002 01:00:49,066 --> 01:00:51,276 - Gay numbers? - Yeah. 1003 01:00:51,360 --> 01:00:54,488 Have you ever given thought to the number 38? 1004 01:01:08,460 --> 01:01:11,296 I've seen this sort of thing before, Detective. 1005 01:01:11,380 --> 01:01:14,925 The victim in the Miranda case was done the exact same way. 1006 01:01:15,008 --> 01:01:18,178 Cut. That was perfect. Print. 1007 01:01:48,125 --> 01:01:50,836 I was so glad that Sharon set us up. 1008 01:01:50,919 --> 01:01:54,423 She mentioned you at her last cleaning, but she said you were involved. 1009 01:01:55,757 --> 01:01:59,595 - I used to be. - Well, I know how that goes. 1010 01:01:59,636 --> 01:02:03,098 I was in this long-term relationship with this guy once for five months. 1011 01:02:03,182 --> 01:02:06,727 Five months and he broke up with me. He broke up with me. 1012 01:02:06,810 --> 01:02:10,480 He said I talk too much. Is that not the most ridiculous thing you've heard? 1013 01:02:10,564 --> 01:02:12,482 'Cause I'm all about listening. 1014 01:02:39,343 --> 01:02:42,888 I know what you're thinking. Why would a gay man wanna be a gyno? 1015 01:02:42,971 --> 01:02:45,849 I mean, most gay men can't even say the word "vagina"... 1016 01:02:45,891 --> 01:02:48,185 let alone stare at them all day long. 1017 01:02:48,227 --> 01:02:51,230 But it never really bothered me. I mean, it's just a word, right? 1018 01:02:51,313 --> 01:02:53,815 Vagina, vagina, vagina. 1019 01:02:55,817 --> 01:02:57,819 It's just a word, right? 1020 01:02:57,861 --> 01:03:00,531 I'll tell you the word that sort of does get me, though. 1021 01:03:00,614 --> 01:03:02,074 Clitoris. 1022 01:03:15,003 --> 01:03:16,505 Why am I shaking? 1023 01:03:16,547 --> 01:03:18,674 It's your first gay club. You should be nervous. 1024 01:03:18,715 --> 01:03:21,260 If anybody attacks you, just tell them you're with me. 1025 01:03:21,343 --> 01:03:24,137 Nice to see you again. Things are better with the breakup, I take it? 1026 01:03:24,221 --> 01:03:25,848 - Breakup? - With Paul? 1027 01:03:25,889 --> 01:03:27,224 Paul who? 1028 01:03:27,307 --> 01:03:29,351 It's phase six. 1029 01:03:29,434 --> 01:03:31,979 It's denial. 1030 01:03:32,062 --> 01:03:33,146 Wow. 1031 01:03:49,496 --> 01:03:51,290 Oh, my God. 1032 01:03:51,373 --> 01:03:53,292 I've been looking for you guys all night. 1033 01:03:53,375 --> 01:03:56,336 - You want a drink? - No. I have water here somewhere. 1034 01:03:56,420 --> 01:03:59,047 - Where's Idaho Guy? - Where's this new boyfriend of yours? 1035 01:03:59,131 --> 01:04:00,716 Dance floor. 1036 01:04:00,757 --> 01:04:03,343 You guys, everybody's here. Come on. Come and dance. 1037 01:04:03,427 --> 01:04:06,096 Fly, young one. Fly like the wind. 1038 01:04:06,138 --> 01:04:08,098 Come on. Dance with your mama. 1039 01:04:09,892 --> 01:04:13,562 - So what do you think? Ecstasy? - I don't know. Probably K. 1040 01:04:13,604 --> 01:04:15,147 Should we talk to him? 1041 01:04:15,230 --> 01:04:17,482 They said, finishing their fourth shot. 1042 01:04:17,566 --> 01:04:19,776 We've all messed around with stuff and you know it. 1043 01:04:19,818 --> 01:04:21,904 He's just having a good time. Let's go dance. 1044 01:04:21,987 --> 01:04:24,656 Dance? We're here to attract men, remember? 1045 01:04:24,740 --> 01:04:26,825 Speak for yourself. This body wants to groove. 1046 01:04:26,909 --> 01:04:28,327 Come on. 1047 01:04:29,536 --> 01:04:32,080 Howie? Howie Mixner? 1048 01:04:32,164 --> 01:04:35,209 Barry. We had dinner a few weeks ago? 1049 01:05:31,682 --> 01:05:33,433 I got one. 1050 01:05:33,517 --> 01:05:37,396 Who would you kick out of bed? Morley Safer or Mike Wallace? 1051 01:05:37,479 --> 01:05:41,191 Okay, I believe this requires a daiquiri break. 1052 01:05:41,233 --> 01:05:44,069 - I'd say Safer. - Safer all the way. 1053 01:05:44,152 --> 01:05:47,948 But I would kick them both out of bed for Ed Bradley circa 1 980. 1054 01:05:48,031 --> 01:05:51,451 I'd kick Wallace. He always annoyed me. 1055 01:05:51,535 --> 01:05:52,828 Who's got the 30? 1056 01:05:52,870 --> 01:05:56,915 - What are you doing outside? - I'm getting base. 1057 01:05:56,999 --> 01:06:00,127 It's July 4. You don't have a base yet? 1058 01:06:00,210 --> 01:06:02,254 Have you heard from the movie star yet? 1059 01:06:02,337 --> 01:06:04,464 He only called once all month. I missed it. 1060 01:06:04,548 --> 01:06:06,925 He's too busy getting shtupped by Kip Rogers. 1061 01:06:07,009 --> 01:06:08,927 When will you guys get over the fact that just because... 1062 01:06:09,011 --> 01:06:11,722 every gay man in America wants Kip Rogers to be gay... 1063 01:06:11,805 --> 01:06:13,891 that doesn't mean he is gay. 1064 01:06:13,974 --> 01:06:16,143 You know what? I should get going. 1065 01:06:16,226 --> 01:06:18,896 - You're not staying for the party? - I gotta make an appearance... 1066 01:06:18,937 --> 01:06:20,898 at my parent's barbecue. 1067 01:06:24,568 --> 01:06:26,320 - Have fun. - Bye. 1068 01:06:26,403 --> 01:06:28,864 - I've got another one. - Who would you kick out of bed? 1069 01:06:28,906 --> 01:06:30,908 The Grimace or the Hamburglar? 1070 01:06:30,991 --> 01:06:32,951 - Oh, my God. - What? 1071 01:06:33,035 --> 01:06:35,913 - That's a good one. - Homo say what? 1072 01:06:36,747 --> 01:06:38,498 Homo say bad party lighting. 1073 01:06:39,750 --> 01:06:41,210 Get out. 1074 01:06:45,214 --> 01:06:48,217 - Did you lock the door? - I don't remember. 1075 01:06:48,300 --> 01:06:50,969 Shit. One second! 1076 01:07:01,271 --> 01:07:02,523 Yeah? 1077 01:07:02,606 --> 01:07:04,775 - You're going to shoot in five. - Terrific. 1078 01:07:04,858 --> 01:07:08,779 - All right. Cappuccino? - No, no. No, thank you. 1079 01:07:08,820 --> 01:07:11,156 - I'll see you out there. - Okay. All right. 1080 01:07:20,749 --> 01:07:23,710 - That was close. - A little too close. 1081 01:07:27,798 --> 01:07:29,424 I have to cancel tonight. 1082 01:07:29,466 --> 01:07:32,469 My publicist wants me to do this "Access Hollywood" interview. 1083 01:07:32,553 --> 01:07:35,138 Today's my last day of shooting. I leave tomorrow. 1084 01:07:35,222 --> 01:07:38,308 - What would you like me to do? - Cancel it. 1085 01:07:38,392 --> 01:07:40,519 - Tell them you can't do it. - With what excuse? 1086 01:07:40,602 --> 01:07:44,064 "Sorry. I have dinner plans with the pretty boy extra I'm sleeping with." 1087 01:07:45,148 --> 01:07:48,026 - I'm not an extra. - That's not what I meant. 1088 01:07:48,110 --> 01:07:50,320 They have me shooting here for four weeks. 1089 01:07:50,404 --> 01:07:53,907 My part is integral to the plot. I have seven lines of dialogue. 1090 01:07:53,991 --> 01:07:57,035 - I'm not a fucking extra. - Okay, okay. 1091 01:07:57,119 --> 01:07:59,413 I'm sorry I called you an extra. 1092 01:08:01,331 --> 01:08:04,751 I'll make it up to you. I'll fly into L.A. this weekend. 1093 01:08:04,835 --> 01:08:07,713 We'll go somewhere discreet for dinner. 1094 01:08:07,796 --> 01:08:10,174 - All right? - Okay. 1095 01:08:11,550 --> 01:08:13,010 Good. 1096 01:08:15,512 --> 01:08:19,183 Wait about ten minutes. Make sure no one sees you before you leave. 1097 01:08:33,655 --> 01:08:36,825 Hey, having fun? Good. 1098 01:08:43,874 --> 01:08:46,460 Hey, there you are. 1099 01:08:46,543 --> 01:08:48,795 How you doing? 1100 01:08:50,380 --> 01:08:52,299 Everything all right? 1101 01:08:54,218 --> 01:08:56,845 What happened? 1102 01:09:00,724 --> 01:09:02,309 You told your parents. 1103 01:09:03,060 --> 01:09:04,436 Just kind of slipped out. 1104 01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:08,899 The three of us were in the kitchen, helping them with dessert... 1105 01:09:08,982 --> 01:09:12,402 and my mom mentioned that she'd made key lime pie. 1106 01:09:13,487 --> 01:09:17,241 I said, "That's great. I love key lime pie, and I'm gay." 1107 01:09:18,575 --> 01:09:20,661 I bet she wishes she'd made apple pie. 1108 01:09:25,082 --> 01:09:26,625 They were great, Dennis. 1109 01:09:26,708 --> 01:09:30,420 And then I started thinking, why was I so scared to tell them? 1110 01:09:30,504 --> 01:09:33,549 Why was I so scared to tell everyone? 1111 01:09:34,633 --> 01:09:38,262 - If I hadn't met you-- - Oh, I didn't do anything. 1112 01:10:25,142 --> 01:10:26,685 Morning. 1113 01:10:31,106 --> 01:10:33,692 We're gonna be late for the game. 1114 01:10:40,991 --> 01:10:45,704 Once more unto the breach, dear lads! Once more! 1115 01:10:49,041 --> 01:10:52,127 It's the height of irony, really. 1116 01:10:52,169 --> 01:10:55,297 Here we are, bottom of the ninth. Three men on. Two outs. 1117 01:10:55,339 --> 01:10:57,132 Our least able player stepping up to bat. 1118 01:10:57,174 --> 01:10:59,968 We're either one hit away from our first victory ever... 1119 01:11:00,010 --> 01:11:05,140 or three strikes away from going down as the worst softball team in history. 1120 01:11:05,182 --> 01:11:07,643 If we could just get him to hit it to left field. 1121 01:11:07,684 --> 01:11:11,355 The sad thing is, he catches so much better than I do. 1122 01:11:14,816 --> 01:11:17,569 Come on, Taylor. You can do it. Come on. 1123 01:11:35,712 --> 01:11:37,631 Attaboy! 1124 01:11:41,510 --> 01:11:44,054 Sweet are the uses of adversity. 1125 01:12:19,548 --> 01:12:22,634 "Sweet are the uses of adversity... 1126 01:12:22,718 --> 01:12:26,680 which, like the toad, ugly and venomous... 1127 01:12:26,763 --> 01:12:30,058 wears yet a precious jewel in his head. 1128 01:12:30,100 --> 01:12:32,644 And this is our life... 1129 01:12:32,728 --> 01:12:35,272 exempt from public haunt... 1130 01:12:35,355 --> 01:12:38,567 finds tongues and trees... 1131 01:12:38,609 --> 01:12:41,236 books in running brooks... 1132 01:12:41,320 --> 01:12:43,906 sermons in stones... 1133 01:12:43,989 --> 01:12:47,284 and good in everything." 1134 01:12:47,367 --> 01:12:49,745 Jack was a Shakespeare fan. 1135 01:12:49,786 --> 01:12:53,916 That passage from "As You Like It" was his favorite. 1136 01:12:53,957 --> 01:12:57,044 He would've wanted me to share it with you today. 1137 01:12:58,128 --> 01:13:01,590 Other than that, I'm not good with words. 1138 01:13:01,632 --> 01:13:02,799 That was Jack. 1139 01:13:07,346 --> 01:13:10,224 I'll just play something. 1140 01:13:10,307 --> 01:13:13,977 Hopefully, wherever Jack is... 1141 01:13:14,061 --> 01:13:16,271 he'll sing along. 1142 01:13:29,868 --> 01:13:31,828 That's what Jack saw in him. 1143 01:13:52,140 --> 01:13:54,977 - So where's Brian? - Getting the car. 1144 01:14:01,316 --> 01:14:03,235 You look terrific. 1145 01:14:06,446 --> 01:14:10,742 You don't have to say anything just because I'm standing in front of you. 1146 01:14:10,826 --> 01:14:13,662 I'm not just saying. 1147 01:14:15,205 --> 01:14:17,082 Thank you. 1148 01:14:19,585 --> 01:14:22,004 I quit smoking pot. 1149 01:14:22,045 --> 01:14:25,507 It's not 'cause we're not dating. No, it's not because of Brian. I just-- 1150 01:14:27,384 --> 01:14:29,761 It was just time. 1151 01:14:31,054 --> 01:14:34,933 It's weird how you can need something for so long and then just... 1152 01:14:35,017 --> 01:14:36,518 not need it anymore. 1153 01:14:36,560 --> 01:14:38,520 Just like that. 1154 01:14:54,912 --> 01:14:58,498 It's so weird, you know. It's like he's still here. 1155 01:14:59,249 --> 01:15:02,169 You're on something right now, aren't you? 1156 01:15:02,252 --> 01:15:06,173 - Excuse me? - You show up late. You look like shit. 1157 01:15:06,256 --> 01:15:09,092 - What did that boyfriend give you? - He didn't give me anything. 1158 01:15:09,134 --> 01:15:11,720 I look like shit because I've been crying for the last two days. 1159 01:15:11,803 --> 01:15:14,306 Unlike you, who has yet to shed a tear, you fucking asshole. 1160 01:15:14,389 --> 01:15:17,100 - He wants to make sure you're okay. - We all do. 1161 01:15:17,142 --> 01:15:19,478 That's crap. Since I've have a boyfriend none of you guys even call. 1162 01:15:19,561 --> 01:15:22,731 - You stopped calling us. - That is such bullshit. 1163 01:15:22,773 --> 01:15:26,193 Admit that you don't talk to me because I'm in a relationship and you're not. 1164 01:15:26,276 --> 01:15:28,529 You're a muscle boy's plaything for a couple of weeks. 1165 01:15:28,612 --> 01:15:30,697 That hardly constitutes a relationship. 1166 01:15:30,781 --> 01:15:33,575 That is more than you've ever had, you ugly fuck. 1167 01:15:38,038 --> 01:15:40,457 His friends... 1168 01:15:40,541 --> 01:15:42,501 they're not like us. 1169 01:15:42,584 --> 01:15:46,213 When they go out, when they're together, they're happy. 1170 01:15:46,296 --> 01:15:48,757 We're always so miserable. 1171 01:15:48,799 --> 01:15:52,135 We make each other miserable. 1172 01:15:52,219 --> 01:15:54,638 Why? 1173 01:15:54,721 --> 01:15:56,890 Is it such a bad thing to be happy? 1174 01:15:56,974 --> 01:15:59,893 It is if you have to pay 30 bucks a tab for it, yeah. 1175 01:16:06,567 --> 01:16:09,611 - What did I miss? - You don't even wanna know. 1176 01:16:09,653 --> 01:16:13,282 Just spoke to Purple Guy. He said he'll meet us at the bar. 1177 01:16:13,323 --> 01:16:16,910 I can't go. I'm supposed to have dinner with some people from the film. 1178 01:16:16,994 --> 01:16:19,788 - Maybe I'll catch up after. - Yeah. 1179 01:16:21,498 --> 01:16:23,917 I'm not gonna go either. I'm gonna go home. 1180 01:16:24,001 --> 01:16:26,253 I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. 1181 01:16:37,598 --> 01:16:39,349 You should go with them. 1182 01:16:39,433 --> 01:16:41,685 I thought maybe we could talk about the other night. 1183 01:16:41,768 --> 01:16:45,898 - We haven't really discussed-- - Now's not a good time. 1184 01:16:45,981 --> 01:16:48,942 - Could you tell me when is? - I don't know. But not here, not now. 1185 01:16:49,860 --> 01:16:52,613 You've barely even looked at me since the other night. 1186 01:16:52,696 --> 01:16:54,406 You've spent all week hiding behind this funeral. 1187 01:16:54,489 --> 01:16:57,242 Hiding? Is that what you think I've been doing? 1188 01:16:57,326 --> 01:16:59,661 Can you even imagine whatJack meant to me? To us? 1189 01:16:59,703 --> 01:17:03,207 No, you can't. You can't know. 1190 01:17:03,290 --> 01:17:05,626 So don't tell me I've been hiding. 1191 01:17:05,709 --> 01:17:08,670 All we did was hook up. It's not that big a deal. 1192 01:17:08,712 --> 01:17:10,339 We can talk about it later. 1193 01:17:11,173 --> 01:17:14,676 You're right. It's not a big deal. 1194 01:17:14,760 --> 01:17:17,429 All we did was hook up. 1195 01:20:23,323 --> 01:20:25,242 Yeah, this is he. 1196 01:20:25,325 --> 01:20:26,743 What? 1197 01:20:28,078 --> 01:20:29,329 Jesus! 1198 01:20:32,207 --> 01:20:34,126 Benji Waters? 1199 01:21:02,988 --> 01:21:05,073 I just got the page. How is he? 1200 01:21:05,157 --> 01:21:07,659 They pumped his stomach. We're waiting for him to wake up. 1201 01:21:07,743 --> 01:21:10,871 - Can I see him? - Only one person at a time can go in. 1202 01:21:10,954 --> 01:21:12,956 - Patrick's in there right now. - How did this happen? 1203 01:21:13,040 --> 01:21:15,626 - How the fuck could this happen? - Isn't it obvious? 1204 01:21:16,502 --> 01:21:18,462 We weren't there. 1205 01:21:19,880 --> 01:21:23,342 Did you two come together? I think that's cute. 1206 01:21:25,594 --> 01:21:27,054 What is his problem? 1207 01:21:28,305 --> 01:21:30,933 Him and Kevin slept together last week. 1208 01:21:30,974 --> 01:21:34,603 You, Senor Disheveled, obviously came from sleeping with Kevin yourself. 1209 01:21:34,645 --> 01:21:37,648 - Are the clouds lifting? - You guys, I didn't know. 1210 01:21:37,731 --> 01:21:40,359 I've been away all month. Why didn't you tell me something? 1211 01:21:40,442 --> 01:21:42,736 - You could help me out. - It was a secret. 1212 01:21:43,487 --> 01:21:44,821 Terrific. 1213 01:21:44,905 --> 01:21:49,952 The one time you bastards actually keep a secret is the one time it matters. 1214 01:21:50,035 --> 01:21:51,453 Now I feel like shit. 1215 01:21:51,495 --> 01:21:55,249 I think that's a scientific impossibility. 1216 01:21:57,960 --> 01:22:00,379 - I'm sorry. - It's all right. Don't be. 1217 01:22:00,462 --> 01:22:02,381 I slept with Cole to get back at you. 1218 01:22:02,464 --> 01:22:05,384 You did exactly what you're supposed to when you're 23 and just out the closet. 1219 01:22:05,467 --> 01:22:07,427 And you did it because I was an asshole. 1220 01:22:07,511 --> 01:22:09,513 It doesn't matter. I was wrong. 1221 01:22:09,596 --> 01:22:12,057 No, Kevin. I was wrong. 1222 01:22:12,140 --> 01:22:15,561 When I slept with you, I knew it couldn't lead to a relationship. 1223 01:22:15,644 --> 01:22:18,981 And if there was anything I've been trying to change lately about myself... 1224 01:22:20,732 --> 01:22:22,734 well, that would be it. 1225 01:22:22,818 --> 01:22:25,028 So what, you're not attracted to me? 1226 01:22:25,112 --> 01:22:29,533 Or course I am. I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the damn candles. 1227 01:22:35,539 --> 01:22:39,543 - You were the wish. - So what's the problem? 1228 01:22:41,545 --> 01:22:44,965 The problem is that I'm not ready for it. 1229 01:22:45,048 --> 01:22:47,676 I thought that... 1230 01:22:47,759 --> 01:22:51,054 all a relationship would take was meeting the right person... 1231 01:22:51,138 --> 01:22:53,265 but it's so much more than that. 1232 01:22:53,348 --> 01:22:55,309 Like what? 1233 01:22:55,392 --> 01:22:59,813 Like the fact that I'm 28 years old and the only thing I'm good at is being gay. 1234 01:23:00,606 --> 01:23:03,192 - That's not true. - It is true. 1235 01:23:03,275 --> 01:23:06,236 And I'm okay with it. 1236 01:23:06,320 --> 01:23:10,407 I didn't get to be gay for 25 years. I figured I got some catching up to do. 1237 01:23:13,535 --> 01:23:15,454 But I need to move on. 1238 01:23:15,537 --> 01:23:18,540 I need to make my life into something else... 1239 01:23:19,875 --> 01:23:24,004 instead of just my friends and the parties. 1240 01:23:24,087 --> 01:23:28,884 That's the only way I'll have something to give back to someone. 1241 01:23:32,554 --> 01:23:34,598 Do you see that? 1242 01:23:37,226 --> 01:23:39,144 Tell me you see that. 1243 01:23:39,978 --> 01:23:42,022 Can't you move on with someone there? 1244 01:23:43,106 --> 01:23:46,193 Not if that someone has a lot of catching up to do. 1245 01:24:08,799 --> 01:24:10,259 Hey, guys. 1246 01:24:10,300 --> 01:24:12,135 Hey, hag. 1247 01:24:12,219 --> 01:24:14,638 Why'd you go and do a thing like that for? 1248 01:24:14,721 --> 01:24:16,098 I'm sorry, guys. 1249 01:24:17,474 --> 01:24:20,602 - I'm sorry, Patrick. - Hey, I'm sorry too. 1250 01:24:23,564 --> 01:24:26,233 I am so Demi Moore in "St. Elmo's" right now. 1251 01:24:27,401 --> 01:24:30,195 You can be Demi Moore. Just as long as I'm not Ally Sheedy. 1252 01:24:30,279 --> 01:24:34,616 - I get to be Mare Winningham. - Nobody's gonna fight you on that one. 1253 01:24:35,534 --> 01:24:38,453 - Which one do I get to be? - Rob Lowe. 1254 01:24:41,957 --> 01:24:44,334 'Cause you're just so damn cute. 1255 01:24:44,418 --> 01:24:46,336 You can't help yourself. 1256 01:25:00,893 --> 01:25:03,604 Marshall, I don't care if you're not alone. 1257 01:25:05,439 --> 01:25:07,357 Marshall, open up. 1258 01:25:11,862 --> 01:25:14,615 What the hell are you doing? 1259 01:25:14,698 --> 01:25:16,158 This. 1260 01:25:16,200 --> 01:25:20,537 - All right, that's it, asshole. - Brian. Please, get inside. 1261 01:25:26,376 --> 01:25:29,922 You told me once that you were waiting for me to wake up. 1262 01:25:30,005 --> 01:25:33,383 You didn't wait long enough. 1263 01:25:33,425 --> 01:25:35,719 I've never been more awake than I am right now. 1264 01:25:36,929 --> 01:25:40,057 And I admit it. I fucked up. No matter who you were... 1265 01:25:40,140 --> 01:25:43,560 there would've been something wrong with you and someone better out there. 1266 01:25:45,020 --> 01:25:47,397 And I wish that I could change that. 1267 01:25:47,439 --> 01:25:51,151 I wish I could take back all the times that I didn't appreciate having you. 1268 01:25:51,235 --> 01:25:53,779 But I'll tell you right now... 1269 01:25:53,862 --> 01:25:55,781 I loved you. 1270 01:25:57,533 --> 01:26:01,203 I still love you. And it has nothing to do with me. 1271 01:26:01,245 --> 01:26:03,997 It has nothing to do with how good-looking he is. 1272 01:26:04,081 --> 01:26:07,626 It has to do with you. 1273 01:26:07,709 --> 01:26:11,380 Because you are sweet, you're endearing and... 1274 01:26:12,673 --> 01:26:14,800 uncomplicated. 1275 01:26:14,883 --> 01:26:17,302 And you're so beautiful. 1276 01:26:17,386 --> 01:26:21,306 I hope that you're happy together. I hope that this... 1277 01:26:22,599 --> 01:26:26,144 works out and that he is everything that you need... 1278 01:26:26,228 --> 01:26:28,146 because you deserve it. 1279 01:26:28,230 --> 01:26:32,234 But if he's not and it ends, I'll be there. 1280 01:26:35,070 --> 01:26:38,115 It's my turn to wait, and I'm going to wait long enough. 1281 01:27:02,347 --> 01:27:04,892 - "You really don't need to be here." - "Okay, I'm here..." 1282 01:27:04,975 --> 01:27:07,144 because Anne had a showing and she asked me to be here... 1283 01:27:07,227 --> 01:27:10,355 and because the baby book said this is an emotional event. 1284 01:27:10,439 --> 01:27:13,483 And no matter how tough you think you are, you might need somebody. 1285 01:27:13,567 --> 01:27:16,612 - Is this ready yet? - No. It takes a second to come through. 1286 01:27:16,653 --> 01:27:19,781 Why don't you just sit down and let the man do his job? 1287 01:27:19,865 --> 01:27:23,368 - Why don't you bite me? - Why don't you suck my left tit? 1288 01:27:23,452 --> 01:27:25,495 - If I sucked tits-- - Excuse me. 1289 01:27:26,455 --> 01:27:28,749 It's ready now. 1290 01:27:32,503 --> 01:27:33,712 That's the baby. 1291 01:27:51,063 --> 01:27:54,358 Miss Thing, where have you been? I have a full restaurant. I'm a waiter short. 1292 01:27:54,441 --> 01:27:56,193 I was at the closing on my house. I'm sorry. 1293 01:27:56,276 --> 01:27:59,029 Sorry don't feed the bulldog, sugar. Get your apron on. 1294 01:27:59,071 --> 01:28:02,658 Question. How much does Purple Guy pay you to be such a bitch? 1295 01:28:02,741 --> 01:28:06,620 It's your last night, hag. So you don't have to worry about that now, do you? 1296 01:28:08,956 --> 01:28:11,416 Surprise! 1297 01:28:47,744 --> 01:28:50,706 I had forgotten Dennis knew this many meanwhiles. 1298 01:28:50,747 --> 01:28:53,375 I know. They're from all of his house parties. 1299 01:28:53,417 --> 01:28:56,628 So, did Leslie tell you? We saw the baby. 1300 01:28:56,712 --> 01:29:02,050 Oh, that is so cool. So is it a Patricia or a Patrick,Jr.? 1301 01:29:02,092 --> 01:29:04,052 It's a Jack. 1302 01:29:05,262 --> 01:29:07,890 I'm an actor. I just shot this film with Kip Rogers. 1303 01:29:07,931 --> 01:29:10,517 Kip Rogers. Wow. 1304 01:29:10,601 --> 01:29:12,519 I hear he's gay. 1305 01:29:12,603 --> 01:29:14,813 No, he's not gay. He's married. 1306 01:29:14,897 --> 01:29:17,399 Okay, so check this shit out. 1307 01:29:17,482 --> 01:29:19,693 Paul called me. 1308 01:29:19,776 --> 01:29:23,071 He said he wants to talk. He said he misses me, but just as a friend. 1309 01:29:23,113 --> 01:29:25,616 This is a good thing. It allows you the perfect opportunity... 1310 01:29:25,699 --> 01:29:29,036 for the final phase of all relationships: reconciliation. 1311 01:29:29,119 --> 01:29:32,372 Try closure. I told that bitch to fuck off. 1312 01:29:32,456 --> 01:29:35,584 Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic on the 405. 1313 01:29:35,626 --> 01:29:40,172 I told you not to take the freeways. L.A. is all about the side streets. 1314 01:29:44,843 --> 01:29:47,262 It's for Europe. It's a carrying case for your camera. 1315 01:29:47,304 --> 01:29:49,389 Look, got your initials on it. 1316 01:29:54,728 --> 01:29:57,773 I saw that guy you came with. He's cute. 1317 01:29:57,856 --> 01:30:00,442 Whatever. We met at a club a few weeks ago. 1318 01:30:00,526 --> 01:30:02,861 - You know how it is. - Oh, yeah, I do. 1319 01:30:05,322 --> 01:30:06,615 I'll be back. 1320 01:30:07,616 --> 01:30:08,867 I'll be here. 1321 01:30:10,452 --> 01:30:12,746 - Okay, hag, you ready for your gift? - Excuse us. 1322 01:30:12,829 --> 01:30:16,583 - You didn't have to get me a gift. - We didn't get you anything. You did. 1323 01:30:16,667 --> 01:30:19,837 - It was nothing, really. - Gentlemen and very few ladies... 1324 01:30:19,920 --> 01:30:21,880 I am pleased to present... 1325 01:30:21,964 --> 01:30:24,883 the premiere photo gallery opening... 1326 01:30:24,967 --> 01:30:27,094 of budding photojournalist... 1327 01:30:27,177 --> 01:30:31,515 our very own European-bound Mr. Dennis Schiff. 1328 01:30:49,157 --> 01:30:53,328 - Where did you guys get these? - Taylor and I stole your negatives. 1329 01:30:53,370 --> 01:30:55,289 This one's out of focus. 1330 01:30:55,372 --> 01:30:57,708 After a few drinks, it'll look fine. 1331 01:30:58,709 --> 01:31:02,963 Taylor, get the pitchers. The drinking games are about to begin. 1332 01:31:03,046 --> 01:31:05,924 Let's play "Who Can Act Straight the Longest." 1333 01:31:17,686 --> 01:31:20,689 A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. 1334 01:31:20,731 --> 01:31:24,610 Fact is, I don't know. I can't remember. 1335 01:31:24,693 --> 01:31:27,196 But what I do remember, what I can recall... 1336 01:31:27,237 --> 01:31:30,240 is the moment I first realized it was okay. 1337 01:31:31,575 --> 01:31:34,244 It was when I met these guys... 1338 01:31:34,328 --> 01:31:36,371 my friends. 1339 01:31:57,684 --> 01:32:01,897 That Cameron Diaz is hot. Did you check out the new F-1 50 yet? 1340 01:32:01,980 --> 01:32:03,398 Dude, it's huge. 1341 01:32:03,482 --> 01:32:07,152 I figure after the Laker game, I'll head to Dublin's, grab some brewskies. 1342 01:32:07,236 --> 01:32:09,780 No way, man. There's no snatch there on Mondays. 1343 01:32:09,863 --> 01:32:12,991 - It's total sausage on week nights. - You guys see that Saxon got traded? 1344 01:32:13,075 --> 01:32:15,244 It sucks. The line's gonna be shit now. 1345 01:32:15,327 --> 01:32:16,537 Amen, girlfriend. 1346 01:32:17,663 --> 01:32:20,582 - What did I say? - We were doing so well. 1347 01:32:20,666 --> 01:32:23,710 There isn't a straight man who doesn't refer to anyone but his girlfriend... 1348 01:32:23,752 --> 01:32:25,045 as "girlfriend." 1349 01:32:25,087 --> 01:32:27,047 But I was so butch when I said it. 1350 01:32:27,089 --> 01:32:30,300 Fine. I don't care that I lost. I hate games. Where's the check? 1351 01:32:30,384 --> 01:32:32,010 You should be proud to have lost. 1352 01:32:32,094 --> 01:32:35,848 This whole exercise is an unabashed, demoralizing case of self-mockery. 1353 01:32:35,931 --> 01:32:38,892 This from the man that brought us, "There's no snatch there on Monday." 1354 01:32:38,934 --> 01:32:40,936 - That's different. - I agree. 1355 01:32:41,019 --> 01:32:44,022 If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men spent their time, he'd defect. 1356 01:32:44,106 --> 01:32:46,316 Larry Kramer can blow me, okay? 1357 01:32:46,400 --> 01:32:47,734 This is fun. 1358 01:32:47,776 --> 01:32:49,987 Besides, that was 5 minutes and 3 2 seconds. 1359 01:32:50,070 --> 01:32:51,780 - Group record. - Meanwhile... 1360 01:32:51,864 --> 01:32:53,574 I was saying earlier-- 1361 01:32:53,615 --> 01:32:56,910 Could I have a double steroid mocha? 1362 01:32:56,952 --> 01:32:59,079 - I can't help it. I'm a gym bunny hag. - Gross. 1363 01:32:59,121 --> 01:33:01,498 Yes, Benji, yours is a lost cause. 1364 01:33:01,582 --> 01:33:04,251 I hate this city. Everyone's better-looking than me. 1365 01:33:04,293 --> 01:33:07,296 - Cheer up,Jan. You'll make the team. - I'm serious. 1366 01:33:07,379 --> 01:33:08,797 Fuck off. 1367 01:33:08,881 --> 01:33:10,799 It's from the three of us. 1368 01:33:12,384 --> 01:33:15,429 And you wrapped it in your pants. 1369 01:33:15,470 --> 01:33:17,431 That's very funny. 1370 01:33:20,434 --> 01:33:23,061 - "Love, Here I Am." - It's a joke. 1371 01:33:23,145 --> 01:33:26,523 You're the only one of us that never complains about not having a boyfriend. 1372 01:33:26,607 --> 01:33:29,902 Certain individuals less familiar with the real Dennis... 1373 01:33:29,985 --> 01:33:33,155 might interpret that absence of desire to couple... 1374 01:33:33,238 --> 01:33:36,408 as a defense mechanism, a wall. 1375 01:33:36,491 --> 01:33:40,746 In which case, this text would serve you in overcoming your emotional blockage... 1376 01:33:40,829 --> 01:33:44,583 and opening yourself up to the possibilities of a relationship. 1377 01:33:45,667 --> 01:33:48,670 Okay, hint taken. Come on. Just get together. 1378 01:33:48,754 --> 01:33:51,256 I can't take a picture. I look terrible right now. 1379 01:33:51,340 --> 01:33:53,467 I really, honestly. Wait a minute. Look at this. 1380 01:33:53,509 --> 01:33:55,677 - Actually, this isn't bad. - Okay. 1381 01:33:55,761 --> 01:33:59,014 Good. Light's good over there. Go. Come on, go. 1382 01:34:02,392 --> 01:34:04,353 All right. 1383 01:34:07,606 --> 01:34:09,650 Meanwhile-- 1384 01:34:11,610 --> 01:34:14,821 A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. 1385 01:34:14,905 --> 01:34:18,116 Fact is, I don't know. Can't remember. 1386 01:34:18,200 --> 01:34:20,035 But what I do remember... 1387 01:34:20,118 --> 01:34:23,830 what I can recall is the moment I first realized it was okay. 1388 01:34:23,872 --> 01:34:26,291 - "It was when I met these guys..." - Thank you. 1389 01:34:26,375 --> 01:34:27,793 my friends. 1390 01:34:54,111 --> 01:34:58,073 I still need to find a housewarming gift for my sister and Clubber Lang. 1391 01:34:58,115 --> 01:35:00,367 She's been your sister's girlfriend for five years. 1392 01:35:00,450 --> 01:35:02,911 Don't you think you two should get along? 1393 01:35:07,624 --> 01:35:10,294 Meanwhile, don't look now, but right behind me-- 1394 01:35:10,377 --> 01:35:12,045 I could kill you. 1395 01:35:12,129 --> 01:35:14,631 You act like he'd never know we were checking him out. 1396 01:35:14,715 --> 01:35:17,384 He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you-- 1397 01:35:17,467 --> 01:35:19,428 a cart full of kitchenwares. 1398 01:35:19,469 --> 01:35:20,929 What planet are you living on? 1399 01:35:20,971 --> 01:35:23,932 Not a person in this store wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second. 1400 01:35:24,016 --> 01:35:26,226 - Keep telling yourself that. - You don't believe me? 1401 01:35:26,310 --> 01:35:28,854 Okay. I'm sorry, miss? Excuse me, miss? 1402 01:35:28,937 --> 01:35:31,231 Could you come here for just a second? 1403 01:35:31,315 --> 01:35:34,484 This man, you've never seen him before in your whole entire life, right? 1404 01:35:34,568 --> 01:35:38,030 Tell me, which is it: fag, not a fag? 1405 01:35:38,113 --> 01:35:40,824 I'll have to say big fag. 1406 01:35:40,908 --> 01:35:43,243 - The first thing I want to say, Larry-- - Lawrence. 1407 01:35:44,494 --> 01:35:46,580 - Remember my thing with that? - Right. 1408 01:35:46,663 --> 01:35:49,041 Anyway, Lawrence, the last two weeks... 1409 01:35:49,124 --> 01:35:51,585 that we've been going out... 1410 01:35:51,668 --> 01:35:56,632 have been some of the best moments in my dating career. 1411 01:35:56,715 --> 01:35:58,759 We've laughed, we've learned... 1412 01:35:58,800 --> 01:36:01,094 we've tripped the light fantastic. 1413 01:36:01,178 --> 01:36:03,305 And yet, I just... 1414 01:36:04,223 --> 01:36:07,100 feel like something's just not working. 1415 01:36:08,477 --> 01:36:10,562 What do you think, dear? 1416 01:36:10,646 --> 01:36:12,898 I'm not sure. Fold your arms. 1417 01:36:16,026 --> 01:36:18,779 Oh, gosh, yeah. Big nellie. 1418 01:36:18,862 --> 01:36:21,406 It's not you, okay? It's me. 1419 01:36:21,490 --> 01:36:24,284 I'm the broken piece, and you wanna know why? 1420 01:36:25,118 --> 01:36:27,913 It's because deep down inside... 1421 01:36:31,166 --> 01:36:32,459 I'm a lonely person. 1422 01:36:34,837 --> 01:36:37,005 Are you reading that off of your hand? 1423 01:36:37,089 --> 01:36:39,174 What? No. 1424 01:36:40,425 --> 01:36:42,803 You are. You are totally reading a script. 1425 01:36:42,886 --> 01:36:45,264 It's just some notes. I wanted to make sure I said the right thing. 1426 01:36:45,347 --> 01:36:47,307 Oh, give me a fucking break. 1427 01:36:47,391 --> 01:36:50,978 The light fantastic? You don't even know what that is. 1428 01:36:51,061 --> 01:36:52,312 What? 1429 01:36:52,396 --> 01:36:54,940 Got an APB on a Caucasian male, brown hair and eyes... 1430 01:36:55,023 --> 01:36:56,942 1 60 pounds, 5-feet-1 1 . 1431 01:36:57,025 --> 01:37:00,863 Suspect is unarmed and has distinct characteristics of a homosexual male. 1432 01:37:00,946 --> 01:37:03,198 That's how I'd call you in myself. 1433 01:37:05,284 --> 01:37:08,036 You know, you are worse than all the muscle boys combined. 1434 01:37:08,120 --> 01:37:10,831 At least they don't presume to want a relationship. 1435 01:37:10,873 --> 01:37:13,500 I never said that I wanted a relationship. 1436 01:37:13,542 --> 01:37:16,044 - Then what did you want? - Something casual. 1437 01:37:16,879 --> 01:37:20,340 Linen sports jackets are casual. Swimwear is casual. 1438 01:37:20,424 --> 01:37:23,802 - Fucking somebody is not casual. - Okay. 1439 01:37:23,886 --> 01:37:25,387 While we're on the subject... 1440 01:37:25,470 --> 01:37:27,806 if certain rumors concerning your sexual proclivities... 1441 01:37:27,890 --> 01:37:31,059 start popping up around town, you'll know who started them. 1442 01:37:31,143 --> 01:37:33,645 Have a pleasant evening, bottom boy! 1443 01:37:35,147 --> 01:37:37,733 That is such bullshit! 1444 01:38:06,595 --> 01:38:08,805 Why do you bring them here, strumpet? 1445 01:38:08,889 --> 01:38:10,849 I am not in the mood for one of your tirades. 1446 01:38:10,933 --> 01:38:14,061 As a person in a long-term relationship, I'm gonna let you know. 1447 01:38:14,102 --> 01:38:16,355 - What you do is sick. - Whatever. 1448 01:38:16,438 --> 01:38:19,358 Number one, you work here. It's in poor taste. 1449 01:38:19,441 --> 01:38:21,818 Number two, if you're gonna break up with somebody... 1450 01:38:21,902 --> 01:38:24,321 have the decency to provide them with better lighting. 1451 01:38:24,404 --> 01:38:27,366 I heard that, ingrate. Oh, record time, Casanova. 1452 01:38:27,449 --> 01:38:29,826 You can start your shift early. 1453 01:38:29,910 --> 01:38:32,871 Roberto, what are you cutting those with, a chain saw? 1454 01:38:32,955 --> 01:38:35,958 This is bruschetta. You slice the tomatoes thinly. 1455 01:38:35,999 --> 01:38:40,003 Jack, that's Javier. Roberto is his brother. 1456 01:38:40,087 --> 01:38:42,256 If he cuts those tomatoes right, I'll call him Phyllis if he wants. 1457 01:38:42,297 --> 01:38:44,258 As a person in a long-term relationship... 1458 01:38:44,299 --> 01:38:47,177 I don't see how you're ever gonna find happiness with one person... 1459 01:38:47,261 --> 01:38:48,929 if you don't mend your ways. 1460 01:38:48,971 --> 01:38:52,432 Do you not start any sentences with, "as a person in a long-term relationship"? 1461 01:38:52,474 --> 01:38:54,434 It speaks of my authority on matters of the heart. 1462 01:38:54,476 --> 01:38:57,688 -It speaks of your boyfriend's insanity. -Hey, guys. 1463 01:38:57,771 --> 01:38:59,273 - Thank God. - You're late. 1464 01:38:59,356 --> 01:39:02,109 Sorry, but, you know, it is my birthday. 1465 01:39:02,150 --> 01:39:04,444 Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog, sugar. Go to work. 1466 01:39:04,486 --> 01:39:06,780 Saw your prey on the curb. Nice work. 1467 01:39:06,864 --> 01:39:09,324 Last time I use an audition monologue to break up with somebody. 1468 01:39:09,366 --> 01:39:11,451 You coming to the party,Jack? 1469 01:39:11,535 --> 01:39:14,872 I just wrapped 1 00 pieces of cantaloupe in prosciutto to keep 'em warm. 1470 01:39:14,955 --> 01:39:16,874 You didn't. Jack! 1471 01:39:16,957 --> 01:39:18,876 I couldn't let you have a birthday without giving you... 1472 01:39:18,959 --> 01:39:21,712 at least a little bit of my superior taste and talent. 1473 01:39:21,795 --> 01:39:24,548 And in addition to which, look what I got today. 1474 01:39:24,631 --> 01:39:26,049 The Broken Hearts jerseys. 1475 01:39:26,133 --> 01:39:28,886 I will be signing up interested parties all night. 1476 01:39:28,969 --> 01:39:31,722 Please, I'm begging you, no softball team this year. 1477 01:39:31,805 --> 01:39:34,224 No softball team this year. No softball team this year. 1478 01:39:34,308 --> 01:39:37,436 Are you crazy? You know what kind of P.R. this is for the restaurant? 1479 01:39:37,519 --> 01:39:40,939 It can't be that good. We lost every single game we played last year. 1480 01:39:41,023 --> 01:39:43,066 Two of those teams only had four people. 1481 01:39:43,150 --> 01:39:46,320 Nobody's forcing you two to play, but remember who pays your bills. 1482 01:39:52,534 --> 01:39:56,496 Leslie, Queen of Bitchtar, your people have come to take you home. 1483 01:39:56,580 --> 01:40:00,250 Good evening, Patrick. It's your brother! 1484 01:40:00,334 --> 01:40:02,628 I'll be right there. 1485 01:40:02,711 --> 01:40:05,005 What is it with lesbians and candles? 1486 01:40:05,088 --> 01:40:09,092 I just got home from the office, and I'm not in the mood for your shit. 1487 01:40:10,427 --> 01:40:12,179 So... 1488 01:40:12,262 --> 01:40:13,639 what's the gift? 1489 01:40:13,722 --> 01:40:16,016 It's a housewarming present for Anne. 1490 01:40:16,099 --> 01:40:17,601 Two months late. 1491 01:40:19,269 --> 01:40:21,021 Looks like a coffeemaker. 1492 01:40:21,104 --> 01:40:24,066 Well, you can shut your mouth because it's a surprise. 1493 01:40:24,107 --> 01:40:26,068 Oh, we already have a coffeemaker. 1494 01:40:26,109 --> 01:40:28,529 I've seen your old one. This one is way better. 1495 01:40:29,238 --> 01:40:31,532 We got rid of that one. She didn't tell you? 1496 01:40:31,615 --> 01:40:33,700 We have a new Webb 3000. 1497 01:40:33,784 --> 01:40:36,245 - You already have a Webb 3000? - Don't worry, sweetie. 1498 01:40:36,286 --> 01:40:39,414 It won't be the first time she's returned one of your gifts. 1499 01:40:42,042 --> 01:40:45,087 So Anne tells me you're jealous of her vibrator. 1500 01:40:46,380 --> 01:40:47,631 How do I look? 1501 01:40:47,714 --> 01:40:50,551 - Great! Where's Hansel and Gretel? - That's clever. 1502 01:40:50,634 --> 01:40:52,928 - You sure you don't want to come? - No, thank you. 1503 01:40:53,011 --> 01:40:55,681 - He said it's gonna be mixed. - The last time he said that... 1504 01:40:55,764 --> 01:40:58,892 there were 60 men, 3 women and a parrot... 1505 01:40:58,976 --> 01:41:01,061 and the parrot was getting more attention than the women. 1506 01:41:01,144 --> 01:41:03,605 That parrot knew the words to " Material Girl." 1507 01:41:03,689 --> 01:41:05,107 Shall we? 1508 01:41:17,494 --> 01:41:20,914 Do you have to do that in here? We are two blocks from the house! 1509 01:41:20,956 --> 01:41:22,916 Parties make me nervous. 1510 01:41:22,958 --> 01:41:25,794 - I'm relaxing. - Can you relax legally? 1511 01:41:25,878 --> 01:41:28,589 - What if we get pulled over? - What are the police gonna do? 1512 01:41:28,630 --> 01:41:31,300 For starters, the whole arresting thing. 1513 01:41:32,759 --> 01:41:35,888 If we don't go home together tonight, you'll understand. 1514 01:41:35,971 --> 01:41:38,599 - Let's not do this thing. - What whole thing? 1515 01:41:38,640 --> 01:41:41,768 This eleventh-hour breakup routine. It's really demoralizing me. 1516 01:41:41,810 --> 01:41:44,062 I'm not breaking up anything here... 1517 01:41:44,146 --> 01:41:47,149 because what there was to break up here was broken up two months ago. 1518 01:41:47,232 --> 01:41:49,026 Yet we're still sleeping together. 1519 01:41:49,109 --> 01:41:51,445 We sleep together because we got a fucked-up friendship... 1520 01:41:51,528 --> 01:41:52,905 not because we're boyfriends. 1521 01:41:52,988 --> 01:41:55,282 - I don't want to talk about this. - You never wanna talk. 1522 01:41:55,365 --> 01:41:59,620 You just want to smoke pot, watch the fucking Cartoon Network. 1523 01:41:59,703 --> 01:42:03,290 What's to talk about? We're ex-boyfriends who still screw around. 1524 01:42:03,332 --> 01:42:05,042 I want more. You don't. 1525 01:42:05,125 --> 01:42:06,627 I hang on because I love you. 1526 01:42:06,710 --> 01:42:10,380 I wait desperately for the day you calm down, wake up... 1527 01:42:10,464 --> 01:42:12,591 and realize you love me. 1528 01:42:14,343 --> 01:42:17,221 You hang on because it's easy. 1529 01:42:18,680 --> 01:42:21,433 When you say it that way, I sound like an asshole. 1530 01:42:44,373 --> 01:42:46,875 Okay, wait. Hold on. First television crush. 1531 01:42:46,959 --> 01:42:48,877 Oh, easy.John-Boy Walton. 1532 01:42:48,961 --> 01:42:52,005 Yes, honey, I always wanted to be the last one to say good night to him. 1533 01:42:52,089 --> 01:42:55,342 - No, that mole. - Mine is Matthew Laborteaux. 1534 01:42:55,425 --> 01:42:57,678 - Who's that? - Albert from "Little House." 1535 01:42:57,761 --> 01:43:00,138 Wait a minute. It was the morphine addiction episode, wasn't it? 1536 01:43:00,222 --> 01:43:03,225 - How did you know? - 'Cause you have a thing for bad boys. 1537 01:43:03,308 --> 01:43:07,020 The valley stream is clear enough to reflect even a hair or a whisker. 1538 01:43:07,062 --> 01:43:09,022 Why should I keep this mirror? 1539 01:43:09,064 --> 01:43:12,901 See, as an artist, it's crucial that I reject the mirror for the stream. 1540 01:43:12,985 --> 01:43:14,820 Right. 1541 01:43:14,903 --> 01:43:17,906 I'm gonna get a drink. Do you wanna hang here or-- 1542 01:43:17,990 --> 01:43:19,324 Definitely. 1543 01:43:19,408 --> 01:43:21,326 I mean, you know, whatever. 1544 01:43:23,912 --> 01:43:25,873 So how do you and Benji know each other? 1545 01:43:25,914 --> 01:43:27,916 We fold jeans at Structure. 1546 01:43:28,000 --> 01:43:30,377 Okay, my first television crush: Aquaman. 1547 01:43:30,460 --> 01:43:32,838 Aquaman? Are you kidding me? 1548 01:43:32,921 --> 01:43:35,841 No, you laugh, but he was a blond and he had a swimmer's build. 1549 01:43:35,924 --> 01:43:38,468 I don't like blonds though. 1550 01:43:38,552 --> 01:43:41,722 - Swimmer's? - It was a lot of crap. 1551 01:43:41,763 --> 01:43:44,808 Listen, boys, I'm not leaving this party... 1552 01:43:44,892 --> 01:43:47,060 until you sign up... 1553 01:43:47,102 --> 01:43:51,565 to be on the best team in the West Hollywood Softball League... 1554 01:43:51,607 --> 01:43:53,400 the Broken Hearts! 1555 01:43:53,442 --> 01:43:56,820 So come on over here and sign up, guys. 1556 01:43:56,904 --> 01:43:58,614 Free drinks for a signature! 1557 01:43:58,697 --> 01:44:01,366 Oh, they'll all quit after we lose the first game. 1558 01:44:03,577 --> 01:44:05,621 - That looks good, actually. - Don't do that. 1559 01:44:05,704 --> 01:44:08,373 I have to let it set for at least-- Gosh. 1560 01:44:08,457 --> 01:44:10,375 - Guess who's outside. - Who? 1561 01:44:10,459 --> 01:44:12,753 J. Crew guy from New Year's. 1562 01:44:12,836 --> 01:44:15,422 - No shit. At my party? - Yeah. 1563 01:44:15,464 --> 01:44:16,924 Come here. 1564 01:44:18,967 --> 01:44:22,930 Over there by the dining room table talking to a bunch of his friends. 1565 01:44:23,013 --> 01:44:24,973 There he is. Oh, my God. 1566 01:44:25,015 --> 01:44:26,975 Shut the door. 1567 01:44:27,017 --> 01:44:29,937 It's your birthday star shining on you. 1568 01:44:29,978 --> 01:44:33,524 We barely hooked up last time. He probably doesn't even remember me. 1569 01:44:33,607 --> 01:44:35,692 How 'bout you? Any luck with the coworker? 1570 01:44:35,776 --> 01:44:38,237 Who had a chance? Cole moved right in. 1571 01:44:38,320 --> 01:44:40,280 I just live with him. 1572 01:44:40,322 --> 01:44:43,575 It wouldn't have worked anyway. The guy's a total newbie. 1573 01:44:43,659 --> 01:44:46,537 - Hasn't even told me he's gay yet. - No shit. You can pick 'em. 1574 01:44:46,620 --> 01:44:49,122 I know. I can't help myself. 1575 01:44:49,206 --> 01:44:53,460 They remind me how great it used to feel, you know. 1576 01:44:53,502 --> 01:44:57,214 When you first come out, and every guy in the room is just-- 1577 01:44:57,297 --> 01:44:59,216 Possibility. 1578 01:44:59,299 --> 01:45:00,884 Yeah. 1579 01:45:00,968 --> 01:45:04,388 Then you find out we are the possibility. 1580 01:45:07,266 --> 01:45:10,143 - Oh, damn. - What? 1581 01:45:10,185 --> 01:45:13,397 Much like a Zen master, you must struggle to find freshness... 1582 01:45:13,480 --> 01:45:15,649 in the mundane tasks of your world. 1583 01:45:15,691 --> 01:45:18,151 That, of course, being the world of retail. 1584 01:45:18,193 --> 01:45:20,362 I totally understand what you mean. 1585 01:45:20,445 --> 01:45:22,447 It's that book. He's unstoppable with the book. 1586 01:45:22,531 --> 01:45:23,907 What's the book? 1587 01:45:23,991 --> 01:45:27,286 Some book on Zen lessons he found on Dennis' shelf. 1588 01:45:27,369 --> 01:45:30,080 One of Cole's ex told him he was without an opinion about anything... 1589 01:45:30,163 --> 01:45:32,499 so he thought it'd be best if he went out and got some. 1590 01:45:32,541 --> 01:45:35,085 Dumb, gorgeous people should not be allowed to use literature... 1591 01:45:35,169 --> 01:45:37,004 when competing in the pickup pool. 1592 01:45:37,087 --> 01:45:39,339 It's like bald people wearing hats. 1593 01:45:40,382 --> 01:45:42,176 It's deceiving. 1594 01:45:43,051 --> 01:45:45,846 - You open my gift yet? - No. Which one is it? 1595 01:45:45,929 --> 01:45:47,931 - Right there. - I didn't know that. 1596 01:45:49,099 --> 01:45:51,852 Where's Paul? He hasn't answered my pages all day. 1597 01:45:54,229 --> 01:45:56,064 Love, Here I Am. 1598 01:45:56,148 --> 01:45:59,526 It helped me so much in preparing myself for loving Paul. 1599 01:45:59,568 --> 01:46:01,570 - Thank you, sweetie. - You're welcome, baby. 1600 01:46:01,612 --> 01:46:05,282 I'll just put that with my other two copies. 1601 01:46:05,365 --> 01:46:07,284 I was wondering if there's any more ice. 1602 01:46:07,367 --> 01:46:09,036 Ice. 1603 01:46:09,077 --> 01:46:11,079 Yes, there is ice... 1604 01:46:11,121 --> 01:46:13,373 and I will go get it. 1605 01:46:13,415 --> 01:46:15,542 Hark! The party calls. 1606 01:46:19,546 --> 01:46:21,840 From New Year's, right? 1607 01:46:21,924 --> 01:46:24,009 I wasn't sure you'd remember me. 1608 01:46:24,092 --> 01:46:26,762 Well, I do. 1609 01:46:26,845 --> 01:46:29,765 I really didn't come in here for this. 1610 01:46:59,795 --> 01:47:01,713 That's my frosting. 1611 01:47:03,465 --> 01:47:05,968 Dan, you gotta come upstairs. It's Taylor. 1612 01:47:08,512 --> 01:47:10,472 What's goin' on? 1613 01:47:10,556 --> 01:47:12,474 You're kidding me. 1614 01:47:15,644 --> 01:47:18,105 - What's happening? - Paul finally called Taylor back. 1615 01:47:18,188 --> 01:47:21,900 From Hawai, where he's vacationing with his new boyfriend. 1616 01:47:21,984 --> 01:47:23,402 Oh, shit. 1617 01:47:25,320 --> 01:47:28,073 No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy. 1618 01:47:28,156 --> 01:47:31,285 What the fuck is a fairy supposed to do around here in case of emergency? 1619 01:47:31,368 --> 01:47:33,453 - Howie, there's gotta be something. - I'm looking. 1620 01:47:33,537 --> 01:47:35,831 - There's Celine Dion. - In hell! 1621 01:47:36,582 --> 01:47:38,292 No. Okay, here. 1622 01:47:39,126 --> 01:47:40,210 "Beaches" soundtrack. 1623 01:47:40,294 --> 01:47:42,963 Oh, thank God. Track four. 1624 01:47:43,046 --> 01:47:44,840 I just heard. 1625 01:47:44,923 --> 01:47:47,009 I was left for another man. 1626 01:47:48,635 --> 01:47:50,846 And not just any other man, a trainer. 1627 01:47:50,929 --> 01:47:52,848 A trainer named Dash. 1628 01:47:52,931 --> 01:47:54,892 I was left for a punctuation mark. 1629 01:47:54,975 --> 01:47:57,019 We all knew this was gonna happen. 1630 01:47:57,936 --> 01:47:59,313 - Patrick. - Come on. 1631 01:47:59,354 --> 01:48:01,690 It's not like he didn't know Paul was sleeping around. 1632 01:48:01,773 --> 01:48:05,444 I tried to warn him before they moved in together, and he wouldn't listen. 1633 01:48:05,527 --> 01:48:07,821 I'm in the room, asshole. 1634 01:48:07,905 --> 01:48:10,407 Nice. That's what I get for being a friend. 1635 01:48:10,490 --> 01:48:12,659 We obviously have two different interpretations of that word. 1636 01:48:12,743 --> 01:48:13,994 What does that mean? 1637 01:48:14,036 --> 01:48:16,788 It means that when it comes to men... 1638 01:48:16,872 --> 01:48:20,167 you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us. 1639 01:48:20,209 --> 01:48:24,004 You can disguise it all you want under the guise of Patrick's good advice... 1640 01:48:24,087 --> 01:48:26,507 but it ain't shit but a pin... 1641 01:48:26,548 --> 01:48:29,009 trying to pop all of our relationship balloons. 1642 01:48:31,553 --> 01:48:34,681 Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping with other people. 1643 01:48:36,016 --> 01:48:37,851 But he said that we'd work things out. 1644 01:48:39,686 --> 01:48:41,605 He promised we'd work things out. 1645 01:48:41,688 --> 01:48:43,565 He lied. 1646 01:48:43,649 --> 01:48:45,442 I'm sorry. You know what? 1647 01:48:45,526 --> 01:48:48,403 This is the time of the evening where all the prettier boys hook up... 1648 01:48:48,487 --> 01:48:50,864 so I'm just gonna leave now. 1649 01:48:52,074 --> 01:48:54,409 - He hates me. - He'll get over it. 1650 01:48:56,662 --> 01:48:58,872 The apartment was Paul's. 1651 01:48:58,914 --> 01:49:01,083 He wants me out by Friday. 1652 01:49:01,166 --> 01:49:04,628 We have a guest room. 1653 01:49:04,711 --> 01:49:06,713 You're more than welcome to it. 1654 01:49:08,215 --> 01:49:10,884 - I couldn't. - It wouldn't be a problem. 1655 01:49:10,968 --> 01:49:15,764 Cole lives here too. I couldn't do it unless you were okay with it. 1656 01:49:16,890 --> 01:49:19,101 Well, it's sort of sudden. 1657 01:49:21,478 --> 01:49:22,604 But... 1658 01:49:24,189 --> 01:49:26,984 it's Dennis' house, so if he's okay with it... 1659 01:49:27,067 --> 01:49:28,443 then I guess I am. 1660 01:49:30,779 --> 01:49:31,905 Then it's settled. 1661 01:49:35,492 --> 01:49:37,661 Dennis, Cole, I-- 1662 01:49:37,744 --> 01:49:41,164 You'll never, ever know how much I appreciate this. 1663 01:49:42,875 --> 01:49:45,169 I'm gonna need your strength now. 1664 01:49:49,715 --> 01:49:51,175 See you guys. 1665 01:49:59,349 --> 01:50:00,601 What happened? 1666 01:50:00,642 --> 01:50:03,103 Paul dumped Taylor. Taylor's a wreck. 1667 01:50:05,731 --> 01:50:07,941 Party's gonna break up soon, if you want a ride. 1668 01:50:07,983 --> 01:50:10,360 Howie, no. 1669 01:50:10,444 --> 01:50:12,988 You know, I can't be your Rice-A-Roni. 1670 01:50:13,071 --> 01:50:14,323 My what? 1671 01:50:14,406 --> 01:50:16,325 Your Rice-A-Roni. 1672 01:50:16,408 --> 01:50:18,619 It's the ultimate '7 0s game show consolation prize... 1673 01:50:18,660 --> 01:50:20,871 the thing everybody went home with even if they lost. 1674 01:50:20,954 --> 01:50:23,332 It is not like that. 1675 01:50:23,415 --> 01:50:24,958 It's different. 1676 01:50:25,042 --> 01:50:26,793 Yeah. 1677 01:50:26,835 --> 01:50:28,295 Oh, my-- 1678 01:50:31,840 --> 01:50:34,092 Oh, don't do that. 1679 01:50:34,176 --> 01:50:36,553 Because you know that gets me worked up when you do that. 1680 01:50:36,637 --> 01:50:38,096 Do what? 1681 01:50:38,180 --> 01:50:40,474 You take off your glasses. 1682 01:50:40,557 --> 01:50:42,518 You rub your eyes. 1683 01:50:42,559 --> 01:50:44,520 And you're speechless. 1684 01:50:47,397 --> 01:50:50,734 I still make you speechless? 1685 01:50:55,989 --> 01:50:58,575 - Where's your jacket? - It's in the car. 1686 01:50:58,659 --> 01:51:00,077 Let's go. 1687 01:51:09,336 --> 01:51:11,839 Do you wanna talk about it? 1688 01:51:11,922 --> 01:51:14,132 What's to talk about? 1689 01:51:14,216 --> 01:51:17,427 Gay men in L.A. are a bunch of 10s looking for an 11 . 1690 01:51:17,511 --> 01:51:21,223 On a good night, and if the other guy is drunk enough, I'm a six. 1691 01:51:21,306 --> 01:51:23,559 - That's not true. - It is. 1692 01:51:23,642 --> 01:51:27,187 I love you, and I know that you mean well, but it is. 1693 01:51:27,271 --> 01:51:29,857 Patrick, maybe it's time you start hanging out... 1694 01:51:29,940 --> 01:51:32,067 with a different group of guys. 1695 01:51:33,026 --> 01:51:35,863 They're the only ones that make it bearable. 1696 01:51:37,072 --> 01:51:38,949 Good night, Patrick. 1697 01:51:39,032 --> 01:51:43,203 Oh,just before I forget, Leslie and I wanna have a baby... 1698 01:51:43,287 --> 01:51:46,748 and since that's biologically impossible for us to do so without sperm... 1699 01:51:46,790 --> 01:51:49,626 and since your genes are close to mine, we thought we could borrow yours... 1700 01:51:49,710 --> 01:51:52,379 and then it would be like the baby she and I would've had together... 1701 01:51:52,421 --> 01:51:54,381 had I a penis. 1702 01:51:54,423 --> 01:51:57,551 You wouldn't have to sleep with her. She'd be artificially inseminated. 1703 01:51:57,634 --> 01:52:00,053 So take your time, think about it. 1704 01:52:00,137 --> 01:52:03,473 Not to rush you, but we do want to kind of get moving on it right away... 1705 01:52:03,557 --> 01:52:06,894 like within the next couple of ovulation cycles. 1706 01:52:06,977 --> 01:52:08,979 So... 1707 01:52:09,062 --> 01:52:10,981 talk to you tomorrow. 1708 01:52:20,782 --> 01:52:23,243 - You can drive away now. - Oh, okay. 1709 01:52:33,545 --> 01:52:35,589 Go home. I'll get the rest. 1710 01:52:37,216 --> 01:52:38,675 Come, you spirits... 1711 01:52:38,759 --> 01:52:40,719 that tend on mortal thoughts. 1712 01:52:40,802 --> 01:52:42,763 Unsex him here. 1713 01:52:42,804 --> 01:52:45,140 Now is not the time for Shakespeare in the Living Room. 1714 01:52:45,224 --> 01:52:47,476 No, of course not. It's getting late. 1715 01:52:47,559 --> 01:52:50,687 It's only 20 minutes to your next meaningless sexual experience. 1716 01:52:50,771 --> 01:52:53,649 - Ten, if I'm lucky. - Never, if you're really lucky. 1717 01:52:53,732 --> 01:52:56,652 Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards the door? 1718 01:52:56,735 --> 01:53:00,030 Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards a healthier existence? 1719 01:53:00,113 --> 01:53:01,823 Good night,Jack. 1720 01:53:01,907 --> 01:53:03,951 Happy birthday, Dennis. I love you. 1721 01:53:06,828 --> 01:53:08,413 Don't get nervous. 1722 01:53:08,497 --> 01:53:11,834 Little kids and senior citizens don't say it for you to say it back. 1723 01:53:33,355 --> 01:53:35,816 We should light a few more candles. 1724 01:53:38,068 --> 01:53:39,778 I'm cool. 1725 01:53:39,862 --> 01:53:43,615 Yeah, but we could use a little, you know, some mood adjustment. 1726 01:54:03,927 --> 01:54:05,804 How 'bout-- 1727 01:54:05,888 --> 01:54:08,390 How 'bout some music? 1728 01:54:08,473 --> 01:54:09,892 - Sure. - Great. 1729 01:54:09,975 --> 01:54:12,853 - Whatever. - Yeah. Great. 1730 01:54:13,896 --> 01:54:15,189 You like the Carpenters? 1731 01:54:16,398 --> 01:54:18,609 Play something else. 1732 01:54:23,864 --> 01:54:27,743 You don't find Karen Carpenter's music even remotely romantic? 1733 01:54:27,826 --> 01:54:29,203 - No. - None of it? 1734 01:54:29,244 --> 01:54:31,705 Not "Close to You," " Rainy Days and Mondays." 1735 01:54:31,747 --> 01:54:34,416 What about the one about Warren Beatty? 1736 01:54:35,334 --> 01:54:38,754 "You're So Vain." That's Carly Simon. 1737 01:54:38,837 --> 01:54:40,839 - You should go. - What? 1738 01:54:40,923 --> 01:54:44,885 I'm feeling virtuous all of a sudden, but I'm gonna go with this impulse. 1739 01:54:44,927 --> 01:54:48,889 - Is this about the music? - No, it's not. It's about me. 1740 01:54:48,931 --> 01:54:51,892 - I can't do this anymore. - We haven't done anything yet. 1741 01:54:51,934 --> 01:54:54,436 I know what we're about to do, and I can't do it. 1742 01:54:54,520 --> 01:54:55,896 - Sure, you can. - You're right. 1743 01:54:55,979 --> 01:54:59,233 - I can, but I'm tired of it. - You're tired of sex? 1744 01:54:59,316 --> 01:55:00,734 Yes. No. 1745 01:55:02,361 --> 01:55:05,989 I'm tired of sex with people who care what I look like and make up the rest... 1746 01:55:06,073 --> 01:55:08,033 and I'm tired of doing the same with them. 1747 01:55:08,116 --> 01:55:11,286 I want something more... 1748 01:55:11,370 --> 01:55:12,663 something else. 1749 01:55:12,746 --> 01:55:16,041 I want someone who likes my music and I care about in the morning. 1750 01:55:16,124 --> 01:55:18,627 I keep forgetting your name... 1751 01:55:18,710 --> 01:55:21,713 because my friends and I refer to you as "J. Crew guy." 1752 01:55:23,298 --> 01:55:24,758 It's Ted. 1753 01:55:26,927 --> 01:55:28,011 Well, Ted... 1754 01:55:28,095 --> 01:55:30,055 I'm sorry. 1755 01:55:30,138 --> 01:55:34,268 Normally, how you look in that sweater would be enough, but just not tonight. 1756 01:56:12,472 --> 01:56:13,724 You scared me. 1757 01:56:13,807 --> 01:56:16,768 It's my house. I'm allowed to do that. 1758 01:56:16,852 --> 01:56:18,854 - Is Cole asleep? - Yeah, he's asleep. 1759 01:56:20,230 --> 01:56:22,482 There's nothin' in there. I checked. 1760 01:56:24,651 --> 01:56:26,361 You should try the cake. 1761 01:56:26,445 --> 01:56:29,823 The icing looks gross, but the cake's pretty good. 1762 01:56:30,908 --> 01:56:33,952 This is not what I need tonight. 1763 01:56:34,036 --> 01:56:37,247 - You are not what I need tonight. - What'd I say? 1764 01:56:37,331 --> 01:56:40,834 I made that cake you just insulted for my own birthday. 1765 01:56:40,918 --> 01:56:43,587 It took me two hours, and I didn't even get to blow out the candles... 1766 01:56:43,670 --> 01:56:46,340 'cause my friend's relationship hit DEFCON 5. 1767 01:56:46,423 --> 01:56:48,175 Bummer. 1768 01:56:48,217 --> 01:56:52,596 Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with real validity. 1769 01:56:52,679 --> 01:56:55,516 I plan on writing to the committee for an extension. 1770 01:57:00,312 --> 01:57:02,105 Why write? 1771 01:57:05,400 --> 01:57:08,403 Now you made the deadline. 1772 01:57:18,914 --> 01:57:21,750 Come on. Make your wish. 1773 01:57:34,388 --> 01:57:35,806 Thank you. 1774 01:57:37,140 --> 01:57:38,433 Kevin. 1775 01:57:38,517 --> 01:57:40,018 You must be "Ennis." 1776 01:57:40,102 --> 01:57:41,603 That's Dennis. 1777 01:57:41,687 --> 01:57:44,648 Somebody ate the "D." 1778 01:57:46,608 --> 01:57:48,485 - Are these yours? - Yeah. 1779 01:57:48,569 --> 01:57:51,154 I found your darkroom when I was looking for the bathroom... 1780 01:57:51,238 --> 01:57:53,907 so I figured you were a photographer or something. 1781 01:57:54,992 --> 01:57:56,243 Or somethin'. 1782 01:57:57,661 --> 01:58:01,123 - I like this one. - That was my first class assignment. 1783 01:58:01,164 --> 01:58:05,127 We had to find an inanimate object that represented our emotional state. 1784 01:58:05,210 --> 01:58:08,088 I had just come out of the closet, hadn't met any of my friends yet... 1785 01:58:08,172 --> 01:58:11,383 but I was still feeling a sense of strength and independence. 1786 01:58:12,676 --> 01:58:15,387 I think it looks lonely. 1787 01:58:15,470 --> 01:58:16,805 You're Benji's friend? 1788 01:58:17,681 --> 01:58:19,892 Oh, yeah. More sort of coworker... 1789 01:58:19,975 --> 01:58:22,561 but I like him. 1790 01:58:22,644 --> 01:58:24,646 - Apparently not enough. - What's that mean? 1791 01:58:26,023 --> 01:58:29,610 Between you and me, I think you kind of dashed his hopes tonight. 1792 01:58:29,693 --> 01:58:33,739 You've been a hot topic of conversation since you joined the Structure family. 1793 01:58:34,823 --> 01:58:36,783 What, he's been talking about me? 1794 01:58:37,659 --> 01:58:40,829 Relax. It's just a crush. 1795 01:58:40,913 --> 01:58:42,831 I mean, you should be flattered. 1796 01:58:43,790 --> 01:58:47,377 By the next full moon, he'll have a new one. It's his way. 1797 01:58:47,461 --> 01:58:49,588 I don't get you guys. 1798 01:58:49,671 --> 01:58:52,341 Is that all you do, sit around here and talk about men? 1799 01:58:52,424 --> 01:58:54,968 Either that or we talk about men. 1800 01:58:56,053 --> 01:58:57,513 Yeah, well... 1801 01:58:57,596 --> 01:58:59,848 I think it's really gay. 1802 01:59:02,267 --> 01:59:04,686 - You're not out, are you? - What? 1803 01:59:04,770 --> 01:59:08,148 You're not just a newbie. You're not even out to anyone. 1804 01:59:08,857 --> 01:59:11,443 - I don't think it's anyone's business. - It isn't. 1805 01:59:11,527 --> 01:59:14,154 - I'm getting tired of being asked. - I can imagine. 1806 01:59:14,238 --> 01:59:16,740 Why do I have to tell anyone anyway? 1807 01:59:16,823 --> 01:59:19,993 Maybe I'm straight. Maybe I'm gay. Maybe I haven't decided. 1808 01:59:20,077 --> 01:59:22,454 Maybe I should say good night. 1809 01:59:22,538 --> 01:59:24,623 Yeah. Good night. 1810 01:59:30,879 --> 01:59:32,339 You're right. 1811 01:59:32,422 --> 01:59:34,341 It looks lonely. 1812 01:59:45,060 --> 01:59:48,105 I can't decide if my friends are the best or worst thing to happen to me. 1813 01:59:48,188 --> 01:59:50,858 Clearly, without them, my life would be a lot less fun... 1814 01:59:50,899 --> 01:59:52,860 but with them... 1815 01:59:53,986 --> 01:59:57,489 I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a life of my own. 1816 01:59:58,740 --> 02:00:01,785 Do you know what I'm talking about? 1817 02:00:01,869 --> 02:00:05,080 Do you want to keep it short on top? 1818 02:00:05,163 --> 02:00:06,582 Yeah. 1819 02:00:08,709 --> 02:00:11,879 I know they're my friends. I just don't know if I can trust any of them. 1820 02:00:11,920 --> 02:00:13,881 Especially when it comes to men. 1821 02:00:13,922 --> 02:00:16,383 Every time I introduce someone, they're all over him. 1822 02:00:16,425 --> 02:00:18,427 Watch your posture, all right? 1823 02:00:18,510 --> 02:00:19,845 Sorry. 1824 02:00:19,928 --> 02:00:21,930 Take, for instance, the party the other night. 1825 02:00:22,014 --> 02:00:24,892 Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him from Hawai. 1826 02:00:24,933 --> 02:00:27,519 Howie went home with Marshall again. 1827 02:00:27,603 --> 02:00:30,772 Benji's quasi-boyfriend slept with Cole. 1828 02:00:30,856 --> 02:00:35,194 And my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm. 1829 02:00:35,277 --> 02:00:37,738 It's like one big gay soap opera. 1830 02:00:37,779 --> 02:00:40,616 I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room... 1831 02:00:40,699 --> 02:00:44,411 and tell me she secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company. 1832 02:00:44,494 --> 02:00:48,957 I was watching this documentary on cable about this tribe of monkeys in Somalia. 1833 02:00:49,041 --> 02:00:52,920 Benji was telling me about this documentary he saw about monkeys-- 1834 02:00:52,961 --> 02:00:53,629 In Somalia. 1835 02:00:53,712 --> 02:00:57,424 They hang out with each other until mating season, and then just like that-- 1836 02:00:57,508 --> 02:01:00,928 They attack each other. It's survival of the fittest. 1837 02:01:00,969 --> 02:01:04,181 I thought to myself, that's our group. 1838 02:01:04,264 --> 02:01:05,516 That's us. 1839 02:01:05,599 --> 02:01:09,311 We're those monkeys, and I'm the monkey with the image problem. 1840 02:01:09,394 --> 02:01:12,272 The only one who's unfaxed by anything is Cole. 1841 02:01:12,356 --> 02:01:13,941 I mean,just look at him. 1842 02:01:14,024 --> 02:01:16,443 He's gorgeous, completely straight-acting. 1843 02:01:16,527 --> 02:01:18,862 He's the ultimate meanwhile, and he has no soul. 1844 02:01:18,946 --> 02:01:21,198 My dad would sleep with Cole. 1845 02:01:22,866 --> 02:01:26,787 If you asked me, Cole is precisely what's wrong with this group. 1846 02:01:26,870 --> 02:01:30,707 We all want to be him, but we're all afraid to admit it. 1847 02:01:30,791 --> 02:01:33,544 Actually, Howie would probably admit it. 1848 02:01:33,627 --> 02:01:35,879 I wanna be Cole. Why can't I be Cole? 1849 02:01:35,963 --> 02:01:37,881 Why can't God have made me Cole? 1850 02:01:41,718 --> 02:01:43,637 My friends get a haircut with this. 1851 02:01:43,720 --> 02:01:46,348 It's not like I wanna be Cole or anything. 1852 02:01:46,431 --> 02:01:48,892 He just makes it all look so easy. 1853 02:01:48,976 --> 02:01:52,813 I just wish it was, you know, that easy to let someone in. 1854 02:01:52,855 --> 02:01:54,231 To get a boyfriend. 1855 02:01:54,314 --> 02:01:55,983 To be beautiful. 1856 02:01:58,235 --> 02:02:00,153 Thanks, Betty. 1857 02:02:00,237 --> 02:02:02,739 You always know just what to say. 1858 02:02:02,823 --> 02:02:04,241 It's a gift. 1859 02:02:13,625 --> 02:02:15,711 Where is my living room? 1860 02:02:15,794 --> 02:02:19,214 - I just shifted it around a little. - No, this is your living room. 1861 02:02:19,298 --> 02:02:20,883 You didn't shift my living room around. 1862 02:02:20,966 --> 02:02:22,926 You shifted my living room out and your living room in. 1863 02:02:23,010 --> 02:02:25,095 So where is my living room? 1864 02:02:25,179 --> 02:02:27,514 Distributed evenly around the house. 1865 02:02:27,598 --> 02:02:29,850 - Distribute it back. - It took me all day. 1866 02:02:29,892 --> 02:02:32,394 Start now, you'll be done in time to set your curlers for bed. 1867 02:02:32,477 --> 02:02:34,521 Okay, Dennis. Think of it this way. 1868 02:02:34,605 --> 02:02:38,192 A furniture arrangement is like a new hairstyle, right? 1869 02:02:38,275 --> 02:02:41,653 You have to live with it for a few days before you know if you like it or not. 1870 02:02:41,737 --> 02:02:43,655 That's not true. 1871 02:02:43,739 --> 02:02:47,034 I haven't had a shag, but I don't have to live with one for a few days... 1872 02:02:47,075 --> 02:02:49,036 to know that I don't want one. 1873 02:02:51,413 --> 02:02:52,706 Thank God you're home. 1874 02:02:52,748 --> 02:02:54,750 Thanks to Mufassa here, it's now a Tunisian hut. 1875 02:02:54,791 --> 02:02:57,336 - Why do I even try? - I have amazing news. 1876 02:02:57,419 --> 02:03:01,215 This casting director is bringing me in for this role in this Kip Rogers movie. 1877 02:03:01,256 --> 02:03:04,051 - That's terrific. - Except I ran out of head shots. 1878 02:03:04,092 --> 02:03:06,053 - You need me to make a head shot. - Bingo. 1879 02:03:06,136 --> 02:03:08,388 - Go get your negatives. - I love you. 1880 02:03:08,430 --> 02:03:10,557 You are a fucking godsend. 1881 02:03:10,641 --> 02:03:12,976 I hear Kip Rogers is a big fag. 1882 02:03:13,060 --> 02:03:15,229 Kip Rogers is not gay. He's married. 1883 02:03:15,312 --> 02:03:20,484 Please, that's right up there with, "He's not gay. He's in a fraternity." 1884 02:03:26,949 --> 02:03:29,910 My agent thinks that I have a really good shot for this one. 1885 02:03:29,952 --> 02:03:33,247 Says they're just looking for a face. 1886 02:03:33,330 --> 02:03:35,916 Doesn't that bother you? 1887 02:03:35,999 --> 02:03:39,753 - That people think I'm attractive? - That that's all they think. 1888 02:03:39,837 --> 02:03:42,089 That's not necessarily true. 1889 02:03:42,172 --> 02:03:44,925 When was the last time you got asked to audition for a role? 1890 02:03:45,008 --> 02:03:47,928 It's always they want a look or face... 1891 02:03:47,970 --> 02:03:49,429 or nice eyes. 1892 02:03:49,471 --> 02:03:52,891 So what? Who gives a fuck? That's my way in. 1893 02:03:52,975 --> 02:03:55,936 What matters is whether or not I have the shit to back it up. 1894 02:03:57,020 --> 02:03:59,147 I guess. 1895 02:04:00,315 --> 02:04:03,610 - So you like this Kevin kid? - He's nice enough, sure. 1896 02:04:03,694 --> 02:04:05,988 That's how you feel about him? He's nice enough? 1897 02:04:06,071 --> 02:04:08,073 Do I agree with his opinions on the Middle East? 1898 02:04:08,156 --> 02:04:09,783 Forget I asked. 1899 02:04:09,825 --> 02:04:12,828 It's been a week. Who knows what I feel? 1900 02:04:12,870 --> 02:04:16,206 I think if this is gonna be another random you sleep with and dump-- 1901 02:04:16,290 --> 02:04:19,334 - Another? - You don't have the best track record. 1902 02:04:19,418 --> 02:04:22,421 - You're not taking home the gold. - This isn't about me. 1903 02:04:22,504 --> 02:04:26,466 What is your excuse for not settling down with one of your scams? 1904 02:04:26,550 --> 02:04:28,594 You don't even call them back. 1905 02:04:28,635 --> 02:04:31,263 At least I have the decency to date them for a little while. 1906 02:04:31,346 --> 02:04:33,307 Which brings me to my point. 1907 02:04:33,390 --> 02:04:36,852 Why lead somebody on when you know it's not gonna work out? 1908 02:04:38,020 --> 02:04:39,521 Because what if it does? 1909 02:04:39,605 --> 02:04:41,565 A relationship can't be built on lust. 1910 02:04:41,648 --> 02:04:46,278 No more than you can base a relationship off coffee and good conversation... 1911 02:04:46,361 --> 02:04:48,989 but that works just fine for our first date. 1912 02:04:51,825 --> 02:04:53,410 There it is. 1913 02:04:54,369 --> 02:04:55,829 Well. 1914 02:04:57,206 --> 02:04:59,374 Have you gained weight? 1915 02:04:59,458 --> 02:05:01,168 What? Where? 1916 02:05:02,586 --> 02:05:05,547 I can't help it. Every night at about 1 1..00 it hits. 1917 02:05:05,631 --> 02:05:09,009 This awful panic that I'm gonna have to spend another evening alone. 1918 02:05:09,092 --> 02:05:11,011 So I go over there. 1919 02:05:11,094 --> 02:05:14,640 - That's called being horny. - It's not horny. 1920 02:05:14,681 --> 02:05:16,141 I know horny. 1921 02:05:16,225 --> 02:05:18,352 I've taken entire lecture series on horny. 1922 02:05:18,435 --> 02:05:21,146 They have lecture series on horny? 1923 02:05:21,230 --> 02:05:23,148 They don't call it that. 1924 02:05:23,232 --> 02:05:25,901 You think I should paint my toenails again? 1925 02:05:29,196 --> 02:05:31,865 Any time you hags wanna join the game. 1926 02:05:31,949 --> 02:05:35,244 I hate the outfield. There's too much action. 1927 02:05:39,540 --> 02:05:41,416 Where did my mitt go? 1928 02:05:44,628 --> 02:05:48,382 Oh, say can you see 1929 02:05:48,423 --> 02:05:50,884 How y'all doin'? 1930 02:05:50,926 --> 02:05:53,887 You ready for this? You ready for this one? 1931 02:05:53,929 --> 02:05:55,889 Attaboy, Taylor! 1932 02:05:55,973 --> 02:05:58,517 With a monarch's voice, cry havoc... 1933 02:05:58,600 --> 02:06:01,645 and let slip the dogs of war! 1934 02:06:03,647 --> 02:06:04,565 Strike! 1935 02:06:09,111 --> 02:06:13,031 Our first game of the season, and they pit us against the Hollywood Firemen? 1936 02:06:13,115 --> 02:06:17,202 Not only are they better than us, they're a physical distraction. 1937 02:06:17,286 --> 02:06:18,829 Come on. Let's play. 1938 02:06:19,621 --> 02:06:21,331 Look at that. 1939 02:06:24,710 --> 02:06:26,128 Strike two. 1940 02:06:27,296 --> 02:06:30,340 You know, if he was smart, he'd hurl himself in front of the ball. 1941 02:06:30,424 --> 02:06:33,135 - I tell you, it's the law of fractions. - You're insane. 1942 02:06:33,218 --> 02:06:35,179 Howie thinks one of the other players is gay. 1943 02:06:35,262 --> 02:06:37,973 It's a known scientific fact that one out of ten men is gay. 1944 02:06:38,056 --> 02:06:40,559 Including the bench, they've got 1 1 players. You do the math. 1945 02:06:40,642 --> 02:06:42,436 I dare you to share that with them. 1946 02:06:45,022 --> 02:06:46,523 Thank you. 1947 02:06:47,316 --> 02:06:49,359 Where's Cole? He's up after Will. 1948 02:06:51,278 --> 02:06:52,821 I'll get him. 1949 02:06:52,905 --> 02:06:54,823 Strike three! You're out! 1950 02:06:54,907 --> 02:06:58,285 I don't understand why they don't just let me hit off the tee. 1951 02:06:58,327 --> 02:07:00,287 Shut up, bitches. 1952 02:07:11,632 --> 02:07:13,133 You're up in two. 1953 02:07:14,885 --> 02:07:16,386 Thanks, Den. 1954 02:07:27,231 --> 02:07:29,900 So you're still deciding if you're gay? 1955 02:07:29,983 --> 02:07:34,363 I'm going with the shortstop 'cause he's the only one with the shirt tucked in. 1956 02:07:35,489 --> 02:07:36,907 Benj, hold these. 1957 02:07:36,990 --> 02:07:40,035 Cole, if you had to pick a mole off the other team, who would it be? 1958 02:07:41,578 --> 02:07:43,830 No problem. Catcher. 1959 02:07:43,914 --> 02:07:45,582 Catcher? Yeah, right. 1960 02:07:45,666 --> 02:07:48,669 The biggest meanwhile on the team is really gay? People think I'm crazy. 1961 02:07:48,752 --> 02:07:50,504 The guy's a total breeder. 1962 02:07:50,546 --> 02:07:53,507 First round at Jack's says I'm right. 1963 02:07:56,426 --> 02:07:58,053 Who's the coach? 1964 02:07:58,136 --> 02:08:01,723 That's Jack. Loves baseball and Hawaiian shirts. 1965 02:08:01,807 --> 02:08:05,060 - Shakespeare fan, huh? - Classically trained. 1966 02:08:05,143 --> 02:08:09,690 Before he opened the restaurant, he was a stage actor in New York. 1967 02:08:09,773 --> 02:08:12,317 See that man? That's his partner of 20 years. 1968 02:08:12,401 --> 02:08:14,403 Plays piano at the restaurant. 1969 02:08:14,486 --> 02:08:16,113 Comes to all the games. 1970 02:08:16,196 --> 02:08:18,699 We call him Purple Guy, for obvious reasons. 1971 02:08:18,782 --> 02:08:20,200 Yeah. 1972 02:08:21,326 --> 02:08:23,453 Wow. 1973 02:08:28,667 --> 02:08:30,419 Hey, Mr. Catcher. 1974 02:08:32,838 --> 02:08:34,339 You got a name? 1975 02:08:34,423 --> 02:08:36,508 Sure. 1976 02:08:36,592 --> 02:08:38,886 It's Low and Inside. 1977 02:08:39,887 --> 02:08:41,722 Strike! 1978 02:08:43,098 --> 02:08:46,185 - Thanks for the tip. - Next time listen to me. 1979 02:08:47,477 --> 02:08:50,355 My friends and I have a little bet goin'... 1980 02:08:50,439 --> 02:08:53,859 that one of you fire boys plays on our league, if you know what I mean. 1981 02:08:53,942 --> 02:08:55,402 That's interesting. 1982 02:08:56,612 --> 02:08:59,072 - Who'd you bet on? - You. 1983 02:08:59,156 --> 02:09:00,616 Ball! 1984 02:09:05,746 --> 02:09:07,122 So do I win? 1985 02:09:09,124 --> 02:09:10,459 What tipped you off? 1986 02:09:10,542 --> 02:09:15,255 I've been up to bat twice, and twice I've caught you staring at my ass. 1987 02:09:16,298 --> 02:09:17,758 Ball. 1988 02:09:26,016 --> 02:09:28,435 So what are the chances of me getting your number? 1989 02:09:28,519 --> 02:09:30,812 Sorry. I'm seeing someone. 1990 02:09:30,896 --> 02:09:31,980 So was I. 1991 02:09:32,064 --> 02:09:34,024 Strike two! 1992 02:09:34,107 --> 02:09:36,652 Two and two, batter. 1993 02:09:36,735 --> 02:09:39,613 I missed that one on purpose so I could ask again. 1994 02:09:40,489 --> 02:09:43,075 What are the chances of getting your number? 1995 02:09:45,953 --> 02:09:48,288 About the chance of you hitting a home run. 1996 02:09:55,587 --> 02:09:56,839 Yeah, go! 1997 02:10:00,634 --> 02:10:02,719 Print neatly. 1998 02:10:57,524 --> 02:10:59,902 - You ever talk to him? - Purple guy? 1999 02:11:01,153 --> 02:11:04,865 I thought he said hi to me once. Turned out it was just a burp. 2000 02:11:08,660 --> 02:11:10,871 I wonder what Jack sees in him. 2001 02:11:10,913 --> 02:11:14,583 I don't know. Whatever it is, though, he couldn't be happier. 2002 02:11:15,667 --> 02:11:19,046 The world's only prompt lesbians. 2003 02:11:19,087 --> 02:11:21,965 Well, I'm off. 2004 02:11:22,049 --> 02:11:24,718 - Wish me luck. - You're not gonna do it. 2005 02:11:42,236 --> 02:11:43,237 I don't get it. Are we breaking up? 2006 02:11:43,237 --> 02:11:45,572 I don't get it. Are we breaking up? 2007 02:11:45,614 --> 02:11:47,574 See, that's the thing. 2008 02:11:47,616 --> 02:11:51,286 That you would think there was actually something to break up... 2009 02:11:51,370 --> 02:11:55,165 implies we were never really clear on what we had to begin with. 2010 02:11:55,249 --> 02:11:57,584 That lack of clarity... 2011 02:11:57,626 --> 02:11:59,086 well... 2012 02:12:00,128 --> 02:12:01,630 frightens me. 2013 02:12:05,509 --> 02:12:07,302 What? 2014 02:12:07,386 --> 02:12:09,805 - What's up with them? - Cole's breaking up with him. 2015 02:12:09,888 --> 02:12:12,766 In the course of six innings? What happened? 2016 02:12:12,850 --> 02:12:16,144 He got the catcher's number. The fucker was right. 2017 02:12:20,107 --> 02:12:22,317 - Where's Kevin? - He doesn't feel like coming. 2018 02:12:22,401 --> 02:12:24,403 Obviously. 2019 02:12:24,444 --> 02:12:26,780 - Something wrong here? -Jig's up, Mr. Man. 2020 02:12:26,822 --> 02:12:29,283 We know all about this little Heartbreak Hotel you're runnin'. 2021 02:12:29,366 --> 02:12:31,535 We're here to shut that shit down. 2022 02:12:31,618 --> 02:12:34,872 Relax, Tex. All I did is cool things off. 2023 02:12:34,955 --> 02:12:37,374 Was that what you were doing behind the bleachers, cooling things off? 2024 02:12:41,628 --> 02:12:44,339 - I had a change of heart. Shoot me. - You're so full of shit. 2025 02:12:44,423 --> 02:12:47,426 I'm a little sick of your self-righteous attitude lately. 2026 02:12:47,467 --> 02:12:52,139 You toss one scam out of bed, and suddenly you are St.-fuckin'-Gandhi. 2027 02:12:55,517 --> 02:12:59,396 You know what I meant. Bottom line, that kid is a newbie. 2028 02:12:59,479 --> 02:13:01,899 He can't even admit to being gay. 2029 02:13:01,982 --> 02:13:04,902 What he needs right now are friends, not a boyfriend. 2030 02:13:06,653 --> 02:13:08,030 Where you goin'? 2031 02:13:08,113 --> 02:13:10,657 You're right. What he needs now are friends. 2032 02:13:15,829 --> 02:13:18,665 - He wants to sleep with him. - Thank you. 2033 02:13:24,046 --> 02:13:26,924 Hey, we're going to Jack's. It's one of our many losing traditions. 2034 02:13:27,007 --> 02:13:29,051 -Just fuck off. - You should come. 2035 02:13:29,134 --> 02:13:31,762 Everyone gets dumped first time around. 2036 02:13:31,845 --> 02:13:34,848 It's the rule of all newbie relationships. 2037 02:13:34,932 --> 02:13:38,185 What happens next? Do I become like you and your friends? 2038 02:13:38,268 --> 02:13:40,270 You don't even know my friends. 2039 02:13:40,354 --> 02:13:43,565 I know them well enough to know you're a bunch of bitter,jaded-- 2040 02:13:43,649 --> 02:13:45,901 Fags? Go ahead and say it. 2041 02:13:45,984 --> 02:13:48,028 - I wasn't going to say that. - You should. 2042 02:13:48,111 --> 02:13:50,531 Maybe then you'd be less afraid of what it means. 2043 02:13:53,784 --> 02:13:55,786 Why can't everything just slow down? 2044 02:13:55,869 --> 02:13:59,831 I promise it will, but you can't go back now. 2045 02:14:01,625 --> 02:14:04,211 At least go have a cup of coffee with me? 2046 02:14:06,213 --> 02:14:08,590 - One condition. - What? 2047 02:14:08,674 --> 02:14:10,592 West Hollywood's that way. 2048 02:14:12,302 --> 02:14:16,139 Show me one thing you find interesting that way. 2049 02:14:16,223 --> 02:14:19,059 - So you come here a lot? - You could say that. 2050 02:14:20,227 --> 02:14:22,354 In fact, next to Karen Carpenter... 2051 02:14:22,437 --> 02:14:24,815 this place is the closest thing to perfection I know. 2052 02:14:24,898 --> 02:14:27,192 The Carpenters? Now, that I get. 2053 02:14:27,234 --> 02:14:29,820 - You like the Carpenters? - Insanely. 2054 02:14:29,903 --> 02:14:32,739 Here's to your first O.G.T. 2055 02:14:32,781 --> 02:14:34,741 Obviously Gay Trait. 2056 02:14:34,783 --> 02:14:38,203 Mine are love of the Carpenters, culinary interests... 2057 02:14:38,245 --> 02:14:41,665 and intense fear of blood sports. 2058 02:14:41,748 --> 02:14:45,252 I don't get it. Why be friends with a group of people just because you're gay? 2059 02:14:45,335 --> 02:14:47,337 That's not why we're friends. 2060 02:14:47,421 --> 02:14:51,216 It may be why we became friends, but that's not why we're friends. 2061 02:14:53,427 --> 02:14:55,888 - Doesn't that drive you crazy? - Of course. 2062 02:14:55,929 --> 02:15:00,100 At least six times a year, I threaten to move to Europe like my brother did. 2063 02:15:00,184 --> 02:15:02,352 Only I wouldn't go for just a few months. I'd stay. 2064 02:15:02,436 --> 02:15:06,732 I'd bring my camera, finally take my time developing a photographer's eye. 2065 02:15:07,774 --> 02:15:09,735 Really find my voice. 2066 02:15:11,278 --> 02:15:13,447 Then something happens. 2067 02:15:13,530 --> 02:15:16,074 A birthday, summer parties... 2068 02:15:16,158 --> 02:15:18,577 Christmas, great night of dancing. 2069 02:15:18,619 --> 02:15:21,413 And I'm with them and... 2070 02:15:21,455 --> 02:15:25,042 suddenly I can't imagine being anywhere else. 2071 02:15:25,125 --> 02:15:27,044 So I stay. 2072 02:15:32,299 --> 02:15:34,593 Have you told anybody about what you're going through? 2073 02:15:34,635 --> 02:15:36,595 - A few people. - Like? 2074 02:15:38,096 --> 02:15:41,016 - My sister. - Ooh, that's worth at least ten points. 2075 02:15:41,099 --> 02:15:44,603 Yeah, it wasn't planned. I was home last Christmas, and she caught me. 2076 02:15:44,645 --> 02:15:47,105 - With a guy? - No, alone. 2077 02:15:47,147 --> 02:15:49,525 By myself, flying solo. 2078 02:15:49,608 --> 02:15:51,902 Ouch. To what, gay porn? 2079 02:15:51,985 --> 02:15:54,196 Oh, no. Worse than that. 2080 02:15:54,279 --> 02:15:56,990 An article on Antonio Sabato,Jr. 2081 02:15:57,032 --> 02:16:01,286 I thought my mom would be cooler. She was a '60s love child. 2082 02:16:01,328 --> 02:16:04,456 In high school, she caught me smoking pot with my friends. 2083 02:16:04,498 --> 02:16:07,251 All she said was, "I hope you didn't pay market for that." 2084 02:16:07,334 --> 02:16:11,505 But when I told her I was gay, she didn't talk to me for a month. 2085 02:16:11,547 --> 02:16:13,382 - How is she now? - Better. 2086 02:16:13,465 --> 02:16:16,134 Still refers to the homosexual population as "the gays"... 2087 02:16:16,176 --> 02:16:18,887 like they live on her block or somethin'. 2088 02:16:18,971 --> 02:16:22,057 " Dennis, I see the gays had a parade. Did you go?" 2089 02:16:23,559 --> 02:16:25,519 My dad would have been different. 2090 02:16:25,561 --> 02:16:28,605 - You didn't tell him? - He died before I told anyone. 2091 02:16:28,689 --> 02:16:31,066 My biggest regret: he died not knowing me. 2092 02:16:31,149 --> 02:16:34,319 You can't say that. Maybe he didn't know-- 2093 02:16:34,361 --> 02:16:36,405 He died not knowing me. 2094 02:16:41,076 --> 02:16:43,453 We want your sperm. We're not asking you to move in. 2095 02:16:43,537 --> 02:16:46,498 What about cousin Jeffrey? He's got our genes. He could donate. 2096 02:16:46,540 --> 02:16:49,168 Jeffrey's a Promise Keeper and a card-carrying member of the NRA. 2097 02:16:49,251 --> 02:16:51,837 He doesn't have any genes I'm interested in, Patrick. 2098 02:16:51,920 --> 02:16:54,006 I'm sorry. My answer still stands. 2099 02:16:54,089 --> 02:16:56,049 I told you we should have drugged him and jerked him off. 2100 02:16:56,091 --> 02:16:58,177 Drug me and jerk-- Do you hear this? 2101 02:16:58,260 --> 02:17:00,345 This is the woman that you want to become a mother with. 2102 02:17:00,429 --> 02:17:02,890 - She's being serious. - Okay. 2103 02:17:02,973 --> 02:17:05,267 You two want the truth? Here's the truth. 2104 02:17:05,350 --> 02:17:09,563 You guys can't keep a plant alive. How are you gonna take care of a child? 2105 02:17:09,646 --> 02:17:14,067 We haven't even discussed the realities of what this kid will have to deal with. 2106 02:17:15,569 --> 02:17:19,781 Are you prepared to answer, " Mom #1 , why is Mom #2's brother my father?" 2107 02:17:19,865 --> 02:17:23,535 Look at the three of us. What kind of Christmas card is this gonna make? 2108 02:17:23,577 --> 02:17:26,496 You know what? I don't have to listen to this. 2109 02:17:26,580 --> 02:17:30,083 I'm doing this for your sister because she wanted to involve you in this. 2110 02:17:30,167 --> 02:17:33,587 She had this funny idea that maybe if we did... 2111 02:17:33,629 --> 02:17:37,674 you'd get your shit together and start taking responsibility for your life. 2112 02:17:37,758 --> 02:17:39,676 But I can see that you'd rather not. 2113 02:17:39,760 --> 02:17:42,679 That's fine with me. I'm going to get the car. 2114 02:17:44,473 --> 02:17:47,684 Is that what this is about? Some sort of mission to save me? 2115 02:17:51,438 --> 02:17:53,690 Patrick, when you came out... 2116 02:17:53,774 --> 02:17:57,528 you said it was because you couldn't live the rest of your life in misery. 2117 02:17:59,655 --> 02:18:02,366 And I have never seen you more miserable. 2118 02:18:12,543 --> 02:18:16,088 I'm sorry, gentlemen, but the evidence is rudimentary. 2119 02:18:16,171 --> 02:18:18,340 There's not a single film in the cinema canon... 2120 02:18:18,423 --> 02:18:21,718 that paints a portrait of a gay man that any of us would aspire to be. 2121 02:18:21,802 --> 02:18:24,471 What are our options? Noble, suffering AI DS victims... 2122 02:18:24,513 --> 02:18:27,724 the friends of noble, suffering AI DS victims... 2123 02:18:27,808 --> 02:18:30,143 compulsive sex addicts, common street hustlers... 2124 02:18:30,227 --> 02:18:32,771 and the most recent addition to the lot... 2125 02:18:32,855 --> 02:18:35,023 stylish confidantes to lovelorn women. 2126 02:18:35,107 --> 02:18:38,777 Just once I'd like to see a gay character that is not sick... 2127 02:18:38,819 --> 02:18:43,448 has not been laid in about three months and is behind on his student loans. 2128 02:18:43,532 --> 02:18:45,617 And that's someone you would aspire to be. 2129 02:18:45,701 --> 02:18:47,661 At least they would be someone real. 2130 02:18:47,703 --> 02:18:51,498 Can you imagine if they made a film about us, our group of friends? 2131 02:18:51,582 --> 02:18:54,418 Maybe then we wouldn't have to shamefully compare ourselves... 2132 02:18:54,501 --> 02:18:57,087 to "Steel Magnolias." 2133 02:18:57,171 --> 02:18:59,590 He is so Sally Fields. 2134 02:18:59,673 --> 02:19:02,509 - I thought I was Sally Fields. - No, you're Shirley MacLaine. 2135 02:19:04,678 --> 02:19:06,513 Which one am I? 2136 02:19:06,555 --> 02:19:08,015 Julia Roberts. 2137 02:19:09,433 --> 02:19:11,351 For your nerves, honey. 2138 02:19:18,901 --> 02:19:21,361 What are you doing here? We agreed not to see each other in public. 2139 02:19:21,445 --> 02:19:24,364 - I said it was too hard. - I didn't know you were gonna be here. 2140 02:19:24,406 --> 02:19:26,783 We had a game today. We always come here after the game. 2141 02:19:26,867 --> 02:19:29,703 - I'm telling you, I forgot. - Whatever. 2142 02:19:31,371 --> 02:19:33,790 Since you're here, if you want to join us for a drink. 2143 02:19:34,875 --> 02:19:36,418 - I can't. - You can't? 2144 02:19:36,502 --> 02:19:38,378 I'm trying to tell you that I can't. 2145 02:19:38,420 --> 02:19:40,881 There are no tables available, so it might be a while. 2146 02:19:40,923 --> 02:19:44,176 Oh, it's too busy here, so we should probably go to the movie anyway. 2147 02:19:44,218 --> 02:19:45,677 Cool. 2148 02:19:56,396 --> 02:19:59,274 I didn't see you out there. 2149 02:19:59,358 --> 02:20:00,567 I came in the back. 2150 02:20:00,651 --> 02:20:04,613 I felt like an emergency piece of cobbler before I faced the crowd. 2151 02:20:04,696 --> 02:20:06,657 How'd it go with the girls? 2152 02:20:08,408 --> 02:20:10,577 It went. 2153 02:20:12,079 --> 02:20:14,331 I miss anything? 2154 02:20:14,414 --> 02:20:16,416 Same old song. 2155 02:20:16,500 --> 02:20:19,545 Howie was going on about gay cinema. 2156 02:20:19,628 --> 02:20:22,464 Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay. 2157 02:20:22,548 --> 02:20:25,092 You'd have no identity. 2158 02:20:25,175 --> 02:20:28,762 It was easy when you couldn't talk about it. Now it's all you talk about. 2159 02:20:28,846 --> 02:20:31,682 You talk about it so much that sometimes you forget about... 2160 02:20:31,765 --> 02:20:33,851 all the other things that you are. 2161 02:20:35,102 --> 02:20:37,229 When I watch them, it feels so strange. 2162 02:20:37,312 --> 02:20:39,940 It's like I'm not even a part of it. 2163 02:20:40,023 --> 02:20:42,359 They're all so much more attractive than I am. 2164 02:20:44,069 --> 02:20:45,988 No. You know what? 2165 02:20:46,071 --> 02:20:48,073 I don't mind. Really, I don't. 2166 02:20:48,156 --> 02:20:50,325 I kind of like being attractive by association. 2167 02:20:50,409 --> 02:20:53,620 It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful. 2168 02:20:55,247 --> 02:20:56,957 Help me put my dress on. 2169 02:20:57,040 --> 02:21:00,169 Jack, you're not going out in drag tonight. 2170 02:21:00,252 --> 02:21:02,254 It's Saturday. The crowd expects it. 2171 02:21:02,296 --> 02:21:05,716 The madness has got to stop. You don't even like wearing women's clothes. 2172 02:21:05,799 --> 02:21:06,717 So? 2173 02:21:06,800 --> 02:21:09,178 So it's a disgrace to drag performers everywhere. 2174 02:21:09,261 --> 02:21:11,263 Big fuckin' deal. 2175 02:21:11,305 --> 02:21:14,558 And it completely plays into the whole gay stereotype. 2176 02:21:14,641 --> 02:21:16,852 Again, big fucking deal. 2177 02:21:16,935 --> 02:21:19,396 And your tits are always crooked. 2178 02:21:20,147 --> 02:21:23,942 - No shit? Nobody ever told me that. - Well, they are. 2179 02:21:23,984 --> 02:21:25,819 Here, come here. 2180 02:21:35,078 --> 02:21:37,956 I've never felt a man up before. 2181 02:21:37,998 --> 02:21:39,333 There. That's-- 2182 02:21:39,416 --> 02:21:41,627 Okay. Zip me up, would you? 2183 02:21:45,339 --> 02:21:47,466 Oh, okay. All right. 2184 02:21:52,763 --> 02:21:55,724 Everybody can't be the same, Patrick. 2185 02:21:55,807 --> 02:21:57,726 Everybody can't be straight. 2186 02:21:57,809 --> 02:22:00,729 Everybody can't be beautiful. 2187 02:22:00,812 --> 02:22:03,273 Some people are just gay and average. 2188 02:22:08,153 --> 02:22:10,572 We're the strongest, I think. 2189 02:22:29,007 --> 02:22:32,427 Hello, boys! Hello. 2190 02:22:32,511 --> 02:22:37,266 I'm sorry. I know we were supposed to start two hours ago. 2191 02:22:37,349 --> 02:22:41,562 But you know what they say? Better latent than never. 2192 02:22:41,645 --> 02:22:44,690 So to start with, I'd like to do a little number... 2193 02:22:44,773 --> 02:22:47,067 from my first platinum album... 2194 02:22:47,109 --> 02:22:48,944 Color MeJack. 2195 02:22:51,405 --> 02:22:53,532 Hit it, honey. 2196 02:22:55,409 --> 02:22:59,621 Shall we join the ladies Yes, do, let's join the ladies 2197 02:22:59,705 --> 02:23:03,584 And make one great big lady 2198 02:23:07,421 --> 02:23:09,882 You sure you don't want to come in? 2199 02:23:09,965 --> 02:23:13,260 I do. I'm just not ready for it all yet. 2200 02:23:13,302 --> 02:23:16,096 - I have the same number as Cole. - Don't worry. 2201 02:23:16,180 --> 02:23:17,472 I'll call. 2202 02:23:17,556 --> 02:23:18,974 Okay. 2203 02:23:19,057 --> 02:23:20,184 Good night. 2204 02:23:23,854 --> 02:23:25,272 Bye. 2205 02:23:41,288 --> 02:23:45,125 Just checking a page. I'm betting it's the fireman. 2206 02:23:45,209 --> 02:23:47,669 Which, incidentally, would be record time. 2207 02:23:47,753 --> 02:23:51,006 Yeah, but I just wanted to apologize for earlier. 2208 02:23:51,089 --> 02:23:54,218 - About Kevin. - Oh, hey, no problem. 2209 02:23:56,094 --> 02:23:58,263 Holy shit. Holy shit. 2210 02:23:58,347 --> 02:24:00,516 - What is it? - No way. It's my agent. 2211 02:24:00,599 --> 02:24:02,684 What's he saying? 2212 02:24:02,768 --> 02:24:06,063 I got the part. I got the part in the movie. 2213 02:24:06,146 --> 02:24:08,482 - You're kidding me. - Oh, my God. 2214 02:24:08,524 --> 02:24:11,568 I leave in a week to shoot for a month in Phoenix. 2215 02:24:11,652 --> 02:24:13,737 Holy shit. I got the part in Kip Rogers' movie. 2216 02:24:13,820 --> 02:24:16,406 - I'll be in a movie with Kip Rogers. - This is incredible. 2217 02:24:16,490 --> 02:24:17,950 No kidding. 2218 02:24:17,991 --> 02:24:21,286 - It's a small part, but,Jesus Christ-- - I heard Kip Rogers was gay. 2219 02:24:21,328 --> 02:24:23,163 He's not gay. He's married. 2220 02:24:23,205 --> 02:24:25,415 I gotta tell the other guys. They're gonna freak. 2221 02:24:29,169 --> 02:24:33,757 Hey, listen. Tell the other hags I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow. 2222 02:24:33,841 --> 02:24:35,384 Where are you going? 2223 02:24:35,467 --> 02:24:37,344 To my sister's. 2224 02:24:37,386 --> 02:24:40,597 To see if it's not too late to change my mind about this whole baby thing. 2225 02:24:40,681 --> 02:24:43,433 - What happened? - Nothing. 2226 02:24:43,517 --> 02:24:47,312 Nothing ever happens. That's the whole point. 2227 02:25:04,204 --> 02:25:07,374 You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here? 2228 02:25:07,457 --> 02:25:10,586 I think that it's great that you're dating again. 2229 02:25:12,045 --> 02:25:13,714 Yeah, it is. 2230 02:25:13,797 --> 02:25:17,885 And it's not that I'm giving you my approval, but I am approving. 2231 02:25:20,304 --> 02:25:23,015 - I'm going inside now. - Wait. Come on. 2232 02:25:23,056 --> 02:25:26,894 Let me just come inside, just for a minute. 2233 02:25:26,935 --> 02:25:28,896 Until you get off? 2234 02:25:28,937 --> 02:25:31,231 - That is not true. - No, no. 2235 02:25:31,315 --> 02:25:33,233 You'll be kind enough to share your latest theory... 2236 02:25:33,317 --> 02:25:36,153 on why Snagglepuss was the first openly gay cartoon character. 2237 02:25:36,236 --> 02:25:41,200 You know, if memory serves, it's your post-coital hashish bonfires... 2238 02:25:41,241 --> 02:25:44,995 - that sent me running. - That is such a convenient argument. 2239 02:25:45,078 --> 02:25:47,456 My pot smoking is the source of all our problems? 2240 02:25:47,539 --> 02:25:50,417 God forbid it was symptomatic of our fucked-up relationship. 2241 02:25:50,459 --> 02:25:53,795 I'm the one that studies relationships for a living. 2242 02:25:53,879 --> 02:25:56,590 - Ours was quite normal. - Normal? 2243 02:25:58,509 --> 02:26:02,429 When did you once express any physical affection outside of the bedroom? 2244 02:26:02,471 --> 02:26:05,933 Do you know Brian actually held my hand in public tonight? 2245 02:26:06,016 --> 02:26:09,478 Do you know what that's like to be with someone who's not terrified to do that? 2246 02:26:10,229 --> 02:26:14,942 You know, I congratulate Mr. Gorgeous on his issue-less existence. 2247 02:26:15,025 --> 02:26:17,194 So that's what this is about. 2248 02:26:18,612 --> 02:26:22,533 Brian's better-looking than you, so I matter again. 2249 02:26:23,617 --> 02:26:26,495 But if he was ugly, you wouldn't be here right now? Am I right? 2250 02:26:31,792 --> 02:26:33,669 Thanks for not answering that. 2251 02:26:37,798 --> 02:26:40,592 You know, Howie, I didn't ask for much from you... 2252 02:26:40,634 --> 02:26:44,638 but it would be nice if your attraction to me had something to do with me. 2253 02:26:55,399 --> 02:26:58,068 My ex is dating a print model. 2254 02:26:58,151 --> 02:27:01,196 A blond, goy print model named Brian. 2255 02:27:01,280 --> 02:27:03,782 Could that possibly hit on more of my issues? 2256 02:27:03,866 --> 02:27:05,951 He could have a big penis. 2257 02:27:05,993 --> 02:27:08,287 Which one of you hags suggested level eight? I'm dying. 2258 02:27:08,328 --> 02:27:10,956 - Let's bring it down to seven. - Six, and I pick up lunch. 2259 02:27:10,998 --> 02:27:13,000 It's a deal. Maybe he just wants to win you back. 2260 02:27:13,083 --> 02:27:17,129 That's not Marshall's m.o. Unlike me, he doesn't have a vengeful bone in him. 2261 02:27:17,212 --> 02:27:20,507 - Meanwhile-- - You have the oddest taste. 2262 02:27:20,549 --> 02:27:22,050 - Sue me. - I don't understand. 2263 02:27:22,134 --> 02:27:24,386 For months you've been guilty that you ended the relationship. 2264 02:27:24,469 --> 02:27:27,848 - He's moved on and you sound worse. - Because my guilt I can control. 2265 02:27:27,931 --> 02:27:31,351 It's my guilt. Jealousy is completely out of my hands. 2266 02:27:31,435 --> 02:27:34,897 I'm with Dennis. How can you be jealous about something that you gave up on? 2267 02:27:34,980 --> 02:27:36,857 I don't know. I just know that it's over... 2268 02:27:36,899 --> 02:27:39,359 and you won't catch me going through any mourning cycle. 2269 02:27:39,401 --> 02:27:41,528 Speaking of which, I haven't seen Princess Taylor all week. 2270 02:27:41,612 --> 02:27:44,489 He's been curled up on my couch, watching old Joan Crawford movies. 2271 02:27:44,531 --> 02:27:47,201 When I ask him what's wrong, he gives me this sinister look and mutters... 2272 02:27:47,284 --> 02:27:50,787 - " Phase five, phase five." - The revenge phase. 2273 02:27:50,871 --> 02:27:53,457 If I were you, I'd remove all sharp objects from the house. 2274 02:27:53,540 --> 02:27:56,960 Is that what they're teaching you in school these days, young Sigmund? 2275 02:27:57,044 --> 02:27:59,379 Guys, is that the girl from "Young and the Restless?" 2276 02:27:59,463 --> 02:28:01,215 I'm so over "Y&R." 2277 02:28:01,256 --> 02:28:04,843 You're excited for him to call, but you don't want to sleep with him? 2278 02:28:04,927 --> 02:28:07,095 Even if I wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn't. 2279 02:28:07,179 --> 02:28:09,723 - So you do want to sleep with him. - Why is it always about that? 2280 02:28:09,806 --> 02:28:12,059 Don't you see what happens to us? 2281 02:28:12,142 --> 02:28:15,854 We come out of the closet, we get our hearts stepped on like a Twister game... 2282 02:28:15,896 --> 02:28:18,357 and we become more bitter than we were in the closet. 2283 02:28:18,398 --> 02:28:21,902 The only thing keeping us from complete despair are the friendships we develop. 2284 02:28:21,985 --> 02:28:24,071 I just want him to see that before it's too late. 2285 02:28:24,154 --> 02:28:27,533 Before he becomes jaded, like us. 2286 02:28:27,574 --> 02:28:31,078 Interesting. What you're trying to do is save yourself by saving Kevin. 2287 02:28:31,161 --> 02:28:33,247 - It's classic projection. - You haven't answered my question. 2288 02:28:33,330 --> 02:28:36,375 - No, I don't want to sleep with him. - Bullshit. 2289 02:28:38,335 --> 02:28:41,046 - Benji's talking to Idaho guy. - Who's that? 2290 02:28:41,088 --> 02:28:43,757 Idaho Guy is Benji's newest crush. 2291 02:28:43,841 --> 02:28:46,593 He's been strategically working out near him for weeks... 2292 02:28:46,677 --> 02:28:48,595 in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice. 2293 02:28:48,679 --> 02:28:52,099 Why do you call him Idaho Guy? 2294 02:28:52,140 --> 02:28:55,143 I don't know. He just kind of looks like he's from Idaho. 2295 02:28:55,227 --> 02:28:57,896 It's not really one of our better ones. 2296 02:28:57,938 --> 02:28:59,273 I'm freaking out. 2297 02:28:59,356 --> 02:29:03,110 I was in the middle of my squats and he comes over and just gives me these tips. 2298 02:29:03,151 --> 02:29:06,613 Is that like fate or what? Maybe I should get his number. 2299 02:29:06,655 --> 02:29:10,117 No way, little Benjamin. Gym bunnies make a bad name for all of us. 2300 02:29:10,200 --> 02:29:12,786 Their lives revolve around sex and protein shakes. 2301 02:29:12,870 --> 02:29:14,371 And cat tranquilizers. 2302 02:29:14,454 --> 02:29:18,417 If you intend on experiencing the joys of a bitter, codependent relationship... 2303 02:29:18,500 --> 02:29:20,085 it won't be with a gym bunny. 2304 02:29:20,169 --> 02:29:22,671 I don't care. I'm going back over there. 2305 02:29:22,754 --> 02:29:27,050 Hi. I turned around and you were gone. I wanted to give you this. 2306 02:29:28,468 --> 02:29:30,179 It's my number. 2307 02:29:31,096 --> 02:29:33,807 Give me a call if you want. 2308 02:29:35,517 --> 02:29:36,977 Yeah, definitely. 2309 02:29:37,060 --> 02:29:38,979 That'll be cool. 2310 02:30:02,836 --> 02:30:05,005 It's no improvement. 2311 02:30:05,088 --> 02:30:07,508 I didn't pack a jacket. 2312 02:30:07,549 --> 02:30:09,593 I hope Phoenix doesn't get cold at night. 2313 02:30:09,676 --> 02:30:11,428 Should we call a doctor? 2314 02:30:17,309 --> 02:30:20,687 He'll be all right. Just as long as he doesn't start boiling any rabbits. 2315 02:30:24,316 --> 02:30:26,485 You know what? I almost forgot to tell you. 2316 02:30:26,527 --> 02:30:28,737 That Kevin kid called while you were at the gym. 2317 02:30:28,820 --> 02:30:31,281 - He did? - He said to call him back. 2318 02:30:31,365 --> 02:30:34,243 Sounded kind of cold, though. I hope he doesn't still hate me. 2319 02:30:34,326 --> 02:30:35,827 They never still hate you. 2320 02:30:36,995 --> 02:30:39,706 It's funny, isn't it? I'd hate me. 2321 02:30:39,790 --> 02:30:43,961 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'd hate you too. 2322 02:30:44,044 --> 02:30:46,588 - Good luck. - Thank you very much. 2323 02:31:05,983 --> 02:31:09,361 - "What is taking him so long?" - I don't know. 2324 02:31:12,614 --> 02:31:15,075 It'll just be another minute more. I had to make a phone call. 2325 02:31:15,158 --> 02:31:18,620 A phone call? I knew he was gonna pull some shit. 2326 02:31:18,704 --> 02:31:21,206 - Patrick, what happened? - I couldn't do it. 2327 02:31:21,290 --> 02:31:25,627 - I need material. - They don't have material? 2328 02:31:25,711 --> 02:31:29,006 Well, the whole "Hustler" oeuvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now. 2329 02:31:30,299 --> 02:31:33,760 Oh, my God. It's embarrassing to even be seen in here. 2330 02:31:33,844 --> 02:31:36,638 - Did you bring the stash? - You owe me so big for this, hag. 2331 02:31:36,722 --> 02:31:39,224 You know my issues with buying porno. 2332 02:31:42,853 --> 02:31:44,271 Hurry up! 2333 02:31:53,739 --> 02:31:57,117 - Hey, sorry I'm late. - Oh, no, it's cool. 2334 02:31:58,827 --> 02:32:00,787 Crank it. 2335 02:32:14,218 --> 02:32:16,803 Call it crazy, but I have this theory. 2336 02:32:16,887 --> 02:32:19,306 Bear with me. 2337 02:32:19,389 --> 02:32:21,433 I believe that there are gay numbers. 2338 02:32:23,977 --> 02:32:26,146 - Gay numbers? - Yeah. 2339 02:32:26,230 --> 02:32:29,358 Have you ever given thought to the number 38? 2340 02:32:43,330 --> 02:32:46,166 I've seen this sort of thing before, Detective. 2341 02:32:46,250 --> 02:32:49,795 The victim in the Miranda case was done the exact same way. 2342 02:32:49,878 --> 02:32:53,048 Cut. That was perfect. Print. 2343 02:33:22,995 --> 02:33:25,706 I was so glad that Sharon set us up. 2344 02:33:25,789 --> 02:33:29,293 She mentioned you at her last cleaning, but she said you were involved. 2345 02:33:30,627 --> 02:33:34,464 - I used to be. - Well, I know how that goes. 2346 02:33:34,548 --> 02:33:38,010 I was in this long-term relationship with this guy once for five months. 2347 02:33:38,051 --> 02:33:41,597 Five months and he broke up with me. He broke up with me. 2348 02:33:41,680 --> 02:33:45,350 He said I talk too much. Is that not the most ridiculous thing you've heard? 2349 02:33:45,434 --> 02:33:47,394 'Cause I'm all about listening. 2350 02:34:14,254 --> 02:34:17,758 I know what you're thinking. Why would a gay man wanna be a gyno? 2351 02:34:17,841 --> 02:34:20,719 I mean, most gay men can't even say the word "vagina"... 2352 02:34:20,761 --> 02:34:23,055 let alone stare at them all day long. 2353 02:34:23,096 --> 02:34:26,099 But it never really bothered me. I mean, it's just a word, right? 2354 02:34:26,183 --> 02:34:28,727 Vagina, vagina, vagina. 2355 02:34:30,687 --> 02:34:32,689 It's just a word, right? 2356 02:34:32,773 --> 02:34:35,400 I'll tell you the word that sort of does get me, though. 2357 02:34:35,484 --> 02:34:36,944 Clitoris. 2358 02:34:49,873 --> 02:34:51,375 Why am I shaking? 2359 02:34:51,458 --> 02:34:53,544 It's your first gay club. You should be nervous. 2360 02:34:53,627 --> 02:34:56,129 If anybody attacks you, just tell them you're with me. 2361 02:34:56,213 --> 02:34:59,007 Nice to see you again. Things are better with the breakup, I take it? 2362 02:34:59,091 --> 02:35:00,717 - Breakup? - With Paul? 2363 02:35:00,801 --> 02:35:02,135 Paul who? 2364 02:35:02,177 --> 02:35:04,263 It's phase six. 2365 02:35:04,304 --> 02:35:06,849 It's denial. 2366 02:35:06,932 --> 02:35:08,016 Wow. 2367 02:35:24,366 --> 02:35:26,159 Oh, my God. 2368 02:35:26,243 --> 02:35:28,161 I've been looking for you guys all night. 2369 02:35:28,245 --> 02:35:31,206 - You want a drink? - No. I have water here somewhere. 2370 02:35:31,290 --> 02:35:33,917 - Where's Idaho Guy? - Where's this new boyfriend of yours? 2371 02:35:34,001 --> 02:35:35,586 Dance floor. 2372 02:35:35,669 --> 02:35:38,213 You guys, everybody's here. Come on. Come and dance. 2373 02:35:38,297 --> 02:35:40,966 Fly, young one. Fly like the wind. 2374 02:35:41,008 --> 02:35:42,968 Come on. Dance with your mama. 2375 02:35:44,761 --> 02:35:48,432 - So what do you think? Ecstasy? - I don't know. Probably K. 2376 02:35:48,515 --> 02:35:50,017 Should we talk to him? 2377 02:35:50,100 --> 02:35:52,352 They said, finishing their fourth shot. 2378 02:35:52,436 --> 02:35:54,646 We've all messed around with stuff and you know it. 2379 02:35:54,688 --> 02:35:56,815 He's just having a good time. Let's go dance. 2380 02:35:56,857 --> 02:35:59,526 Dance? We're here to attract men, remember? 2381 02:35:59,610 --> 02:36:01,695 Speak for yourself. This body wants to groove. 2382 02:36:01,778 --> 02:36:03,197 Come on. 2383 02:36:04,406 --> 02:36:06,950 Howie? Howie Mixner? 2384 02:36:07,034 --> 02:36:10,078 Barry. We had dinner a few weeks ago? 2385 02:37:06,552 --> 02:37:08,303 I got one. 2386 02:37:08,387 --> 02:37:12,266 Who would you kick out of bed? Morley Safer or Mike Wallace? 2387 02:37:12,349 --> 02:37:16,061 Okay, I believe this requires a daiquiri break. 2388 02:37:16,103 --> 02:37:18,939 - I'd say Safer. - Safer all the way. 2389 02:37:19,022 --> 02:37:22,818 But I would kick them both out of bed for Ed Bradley circa 1 980. 2390 02:37:22,901 --> 02:37:26,321 I'd kick Wallace. He always annoyed me. 2391 02:37:26,405 --> 02:37:27,698 Who's got the 30? 2392 02:37:27,781 --> 02:37:31,785 - What are you doing outside? - I'm getting base. 2393 02:37:31,869 --> 02:37:34,997 It's July 4. You don't have a base yet? 2394 02:37:35,080 --> 02:37:37,124 Have you heard from the movie star yet? 2395 02:37:37,207 --> 02:37:39,334 He only called once all month. I missed it. 2396 02:37:39,418 --> 02:37:41,795 He's too busy getting shtupped by Kip Rogers. 2397 02:37:41,879 --> 02:37:43,797 When will you guys get over the fact that just because... 2398 02:37:43,881 --> 02:37:46,633 every gay man in America wants Kip Rogers to be gay... 2399 02:37:46,675 --> 02:37:48,760 that doesn't mean he is gay. 2400 02:37:48,844 --> 02:37:51,013 You know what? I should get going. 2401 02:37:51,096 --> 02:37:53,765 - You're not staying for the party? - I gotta make an appearance... 2402 02:37:53,807 --> 02:37:55,767 at my parent's barbecue. 2403 02:37:59,479 --> 02:38:01,190 - Have fun. - Bye. 2404 02:38:01,273 --> 02:38:03,734 - I've got another one. - Who would you kick out of bed? 2405 02:38:03,817 --> 02:38:05,777 The Grimace or the Hamburglar? 2406 02:38:05,861 --> 02:38:07,821 - Oh, my God. - What? 2407 02:38:07,905 --> 02:38:10,824 - That's a good one. - Homo say what? 2408 02:38:11,658 --> 02:38:13,368 Homo say bad party lighting. 2409 02:38:14,620 --> 02:38:16,079 Get out. 2410 02:38:20,083 --> 02:38:23,128 - Did you lock the door? - I don't remember. 2411 02:38:23,170 --> 02:38:25,839 Shit. One second! 2412 02:38:36,183 --> 02:38:37,392 Yeah? 2413 02:38:37,476 --> 02:38:39,645 - You're going to shoot in five. - Terrific. 2414 02:38:39,728 --> 02:38:43,649 - All right. Cappuccino? - No, no. No, thank you. 2415 02:38:43,690 --> 02:38:46,026 - I'll see you out there. - Okay. All right. 2416 02:38:55,619 --> 02:38:58,580 - That was close. - A little too close. 2417 02:39:02,709 --> 02:39:04,294 I have to cancel tonight. 2418 02:39:04,378 --> 02:39:07,339 My publicist wants me to do this "Access Hollywood" interview. 2419 02:39:07,422 --> 02:39:10,008 Today's my last day of shooting. I leave tomorrow. 2420 02:39:10,092 --> 02:39:13,178 - What would you like me to do? - Cancel it. 2421 02:39:13,262 --> 02:39:15,389 - Tell them you can't do it. - With what excuse? 2422 02:39:15,472 --> 02:39:18,934 "Sorry. I have dinner plans with the pretty boy extra I'm sleeping with." 2423 02:39:20,018 --> 02:39:22,896 - I'm not an extra. - That's not what I meant. 2424 02:39:22,980 --> 02:39:25,232 They have me shooting here for four weeks. 2425 02:39:25,274 --> 02:39:28,777 My part is integral to the plot. I have seven lines of dialogue. 2426 02:39:28,861 --> 02:39:31,905 - I'm not a fucking extra. - Okay, okay. 2427 02:39:31,989 --> 02:39:34,283 I'm sorry I called you an extra. 2428 02:39:36,201 --> 02:39:39,621 I'll make it up to you. I'll fly into L.A. this weekend. 2429 02:39:39,705 --> 02:39:42,583 We'll go somewhere discreet for dinner. 2430 02:39:42,666 --> 02:39:45,085 - All right? - Okay. 2431 02:39:46,420 --> 02:39:47,880 Good. 2432 02:39:50,424 --> 02:39:54,052 Wait about ten minutes. Make sure no one sees you before you leave. 2433 02:40:08,525 --> 02:40:11,695 Hey, having fun? Good. 2434 02:40:18,785 --> 02:40:21,330 Hey, there you are. 2435 02:40:21,413 --> 02:40:23,665 How you doing? 2436 02:40:25,250 --> 02:40:27,169 Everything all right? 2437 02:40:29,087 --> 02:40:31,715 What happened? 2438 02:40:35,636 --> 02:40:37,179 You told your parents. 2439 02:40:37,971 --> 02:40:39,306 Just kind of slipped out. 2440 02:40:39,389 --> 02:40:43,810 The three of us were in the kitchen, helping them with dessert... 2441 02:40:43,852 --> 02:40:47,314 and my mom mentioned that she'd made key lime pie. 2442 02:40:48,357 --> 02:40:52,152 I said, "That's great. I love key lime pie, and I'm gay." 2443 02:40:53,445 --> 02:40:55,531 I bet she wishes she'd made apple pie. 2444 02:40:59,952 --> 02:41:01,495 They were great, Dennis. 2445 02:41:01,578 --> 02:41:05,332 And then I started thinking, why was I so scared to tell them? 2446 02:41:05,374 --> 02:41:08,460 Why was I so scared to tell everyone? 2447 02:41:09,503 --> 02:41:13,131 - If I hadn't met you-- - Oh, I didn't do anything. 2448 02:42:00,012 --> 02:42:01,555 Morning. 2449 02:42:05,976 --> 02:42:08,562 We're gonna be late for the game. 2450 02:42:15,903 --> 02:42:20,574 Once more unto the breach, dear lads! Once more! 2451 02:42:23,911 --> 02:42:26,997 It's the height of irony, really. 2452 02:42:27,080 --> 02:42:30,167 Here we are, bottom of the ninth. Three men on. Two outs. 2453 02:42:30,250 --> 02:42:32,002 Our least able player stepping up to bat. 2454 02:42:32,085 --> 02:42:34,838 We're either one hit away from our first victory ever... 2455 02:42:34,922 --> 02:42:40,010 or three strikes away from going down as the worst softball team in history. 2456 02:42:40,093 --> 02:42:42,513 If we could just get him to hit it to left field. 2457 02:42:42,596 --> 02:42:46,225 The sad thing is, he catches so much better than I do. 2458 02:42:49,686 --> 02:42:52,439 Come on, Taylor. You can do it. Come on. 2459 02:43:10,582 --> 02:43:12,501 Attaboy! 2460 02:43:16,380 --> 02:43:18,924 Sweet are the uses of adversity. 2461 02:43:54,418 --> 02:43:57,504 "Sweet are the uses of adversity... 2462 02:43:57,588 --> 02:44:01,550 which, like the toad, ugly and venomous... 2463 02:44:01,633 --> 02:44:04,928 wears yet a precious jewel in his head. 2464 02:44:05,012 --> 02:44:07,514 And this is our life... 2465 02:44:07,598 --> 02:44:10,142 exempt from public haunt... 2466 02:44:10,225 --> 02:44:13,437 finds tongues and trees... 2467 02:44:13,520 --> 02:44:16,148 books in running brooks... 2468 02:44:16,190 --> 02:44:18,817 sermons in stones... 2469 02:44:18,859 --> 02:44:22,196 and good in everything." 2470 02:44:22,237 --> 02:44:24,615 Jack was a Shakespeare fan. 2471 02:44:24,698 --> 02:44:28,785 That passage from "As You Like It" was his favorite. 2472 02:44:28,869 --> 02:44:31,914 He would've wanted me to share it with you today. 2473 02:44:33,040 --> 02:44:36,460 Other than that, I'm not good with words. 2474 02:44:36,543 --> 02:44:37,669 That was Jack. 2475 02:44:42,216 --> 02:44:45,093 I'll just play something. 2476 02:44:45,177 --> 02:44:48,847 Hopefully, wherever Jack is... 2477 02:44:48,931 --> 02:44:51,141 he'll sing along. 2478 02:45:04,738 --> 02:45:06,698 That's what Jack saw in him. 2479 02:45:27,010 --> 02:45:29,847 - So where's Brian? - Getting the car. 2480 02:45:36,186 --> 02:45:38,105 You look terrific. 2481 02:45:41,316 --> 02:45:45,612 You don't have to say anything just because I'm standing in front of you. 2482 02:45:45,696 --> 02:45:48,532 I'm not just saying. 2483 02:45:50,075 --> 02:45:51,952 Thank you. 2484 02:45:54,454 --> 02:45:56,874 I quit smoking pot. 2485 02:45:56,957 --> 02:46:00,419 It's not 'cause we're not dating. No, it's not because of Brian. I just-- 2486 02:46:02,254 --> 02:46:04,631 It was just time. 2487 02:46:05,924 --> 02:46:09,803 It's weird how you can need something for so long and then just... 2488 02:46:09,887 --> 02:46:11,388 not need it anymore. 2489 02:46:11,471 --> 02:46:13,390 Just like that. 2490 02:46:29,781 --> 02:46:33,368 It's so weird, you know. It's like he's still here. 2491 02:46:34,161 --> 02:46:37,039 You're on something right now, aren't you? 2492 02:46:37,122 --> 02:46:41,043 - Excuse me? - You show up late. You look like shit. 2493 02:46:41,126 --> 02:46:43,962 - What did that boyfriend give you? - He didn't give me anything. 2494 02:46:44,004 --> 02:46:46,632 I look like shit because I've been crying for the last two days. 2495 02:46:46,673 --> 02:46:49,176 Unlike you, who has yet to shed a tear, you fucking asshole. 2496 02:46:49,259 --> 02:46:51,970 - He wants to make sure you're okay. - We all do. 2497 02:46:52,012 --> 02:46:54,348 That's crap. Since I've have a boyfriend none of you guys even call. 2498 02:46:54,431 --> 02:46:57,601 - You stopped calling us. - That is such bullshit. 2499 02:46:57,684 --> 02:47:01,063 Admit that you don't talk to me because I'm in a relationship and you're not. 2500 02:47:01,146 --> 02:47:03,398 You're a muscle boy's plaything for a couple of weeks. 2501 02:47:03,482 --> 02:47:05,567 That hardly constitutes a relationship. 2502 02:47:05,651 --> 02:47:08,445 That is more than you've ever had, you ugly fuck. 2503 02:47:12,908 --> 02:47:15,369 His friends... 2504 02:47:15,410 --> 02:47:17,371 they're not like us. 2505 02:47:17,454 --> 02:47:21,083 When they go out, when they're together, they're happy. 2506 02:47:21,166 --> 02:47:23,627 We're always so miserable. 2507 02:47:23,710 --> 02:47:27,047 We make each other miserable. 2508 02:47:27,089 --> 02:47:29,550 Why? 2509 02:47:29,591 --> 02:47:31,760 Is it such a bad thing to be happy? 2510 02:47:31,844 --> 02:47:34,763 It is if you have to pay 30 bucks a tab for it, yeah. 2511 02:47:41,436 --> 02:47:44,481 - What did I miss? - You don't even wanna know. 2512 02:47:44,565 --> 02:47:48,151 Just spoke to Purple Guy. He said he'll meet us at the bar. 2513 02:47:48,235 --> 02:47:51,780 I can't go. I'm supposed to have dinner with some people from the film. 2514 02:47:51,864 --> 02:47:54,658 - Maybe I'll catch up after. - Yeah. 2515 02:47:56,368 --> 02:47:58,787 I'm not gonna go either. I'm gonna go home. 2516 02:47:58,871 --> 02:48:01,123 I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. 2517 02:48:12,467 --> 02:48:14,261 You should go with them. 2518 02:48:14,303 --> 02:48:16,597 I thought maybe we could talk about the other night. 2519 02:48:16,638 --> 02:48:20,767 - We haven't really discussed-- - Now's not a good time. 2520 02:48:20,851 --> 02:48:23,812 - Could you tell me when is? - I don't know. But not here, not now. 2521 02:48:24,771 --> 02:48:27,482 You've barely even looked at me since the other night. 2522 02:48:27,566 --> 02:48:29,276 You've spent all week hiding behind this funeral. 2523 02:48:29,359 --> 02:48:32,112 Hiding? Is that what you think I've been doing? 2524 02:48:32,196 --> 02:48:34,531 Can you even imagine whatJack meant to me? To us? 2525 02:48:34,615 --> 02:48:38,076 No, you can't. You can't know. 2526 02:48:38,160 --> 02:48:40,495 So don't tell me I've been hiding. 2527 02:48:40,579 --> 02:48:43,540 All we did was hook up. It's not that big a deal. 2528 02:48:43,624 --> 02:48:45,209 We can talk about it later. 2529 02:48:46,043 --> 02:48:49,588 You're right. It's not a big deal. 2530 02:48:49,630 --> 02:48:52,299 All we did was hook up. 2531 02:51:58,193 --> 02:52:00,153 Yeah, this is he. 2532 02:52:00,195 --> 02:52:01,655 What? 2533 02:52:02,948 --> 02:52:04,199 Jesus! 2534 02:52:07,077 --> 02:52:08,996 Benji Waters? 2535 02:52:37,858 --> 02:52:39,985 I just got the page. How is he? 2536 02:52:40,027 --> 02:52:42,529 They pumped his stomach. We're waiting for him to wake up. 2537 02:52:42,613 --> 02:52:45,741 - Can I see him? - Only one person at a time can go in. 2538 02:52:45,824 --> 02:52:47,826 - Patrick's in there right now. - How did this happen? 2539 02:52:47,910 --> 02:52:50,495 - How the fuck could this happen? - Isn't it obvious? 2540 02:52:51,371 --> 02:52:53,332 We weren't there. 2541 02:52:54,750 --> 02:52:58,212 Did you two come together? I think that's cute. 2542 02:53:00,464 --> 02:53:01,924 What is his problem? 2543 02:53:03,175 --> 02:53:05,802 Him and Kevin slept together last week. 2544 02:53:05,886 --> 02:53:09,473 You, Senor Disheveled, obviously came from sleeping with Kevin yourself. 2545 02:53:09,556 --> 02:53:12,518 - Are the clouds lifting? - You guys, I didn't know. 2546 02:53:12,601 --> 02:53:15,229 I've been away all month. Why didn't you tell me something? 2547 02:53:15,312 --> 02:53:17,606 - You could help me out. - It was a secret. 2548 02:53:18,357 --> 02:53:19,733 Terrific. 2549 02:53:19,775 --> 02:53:24,863 The one time you bastards actually keep a secret is the one time it matters. 2550 02:53:24,905 --> 02:53:26,323 Now I feel like shit. 2551 02:53:26,406 --> 02:53:30,118 I think that's a scientific impossibility. 2552 02:53:32,829 --> 02:53:35,249 - I'm sorry. - It's all right. Don't be. 2553 02:53:35,332 --> 02:53:37,251 I slept with Cole to get back at you. 2554 02:53:37,334 --> 02:53:40,254 You did exactly what you're supposed to when you're 23 and just out the closet. 2555 02:53:40,337 --> 02:53:42,297 And you did it because I was an asshole. 2556 02:53:42,381 --> 02:53:44,383 It doesn't matter. I was wrong. 2557 02:53:44,466 --> 02:53:46,927 No, Kevin. I was wrong. 2558 02:53:47,010 --> 02:53:50,430 When I slept with you, I knew it couldn't lead to a relationship. 2559 02:53:50,514 --> 02:53:53,851 And if there was anything I've been trying to change lately about myself... 2560 02:53:55,602 --> 02:53:57,604 well, that would be it. 2561 02:53:57,688 --> 02:53:59,898 So what, you're not attracted to me? 2562 02:53:59,982 --> 02:54:04,403 Or course I am. I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the damn candles. 2563 02:54:10,450 --> 02:54:14,413 - You were the wish. - So what's the problem? 2564 02:54:16,456 --> 02:54:19,835 The problem is that I'm not ready for it. 2565 02:54:19,918 --> 02:54:22,588 I thought that... 2566 02:54:22,629 --> 02:54:25,966 all a relationship would take was meeting the right person... 2567 02:54:26,008 --> 02:54:28,135 but it's so much more than that. 2568 02:54:28,218 --> 02:54:30,179 Like what? 2569 02:54:30,262 --> 02:54:34,683 Like the fact that I'm 28 years old and the only thing I'm good at is being gay. 2570 02:54:35,475 --> 02:54:38,103 - That's not true. - It is true. 2571 02:54:38,145 --> 02:54:41,148 And I'm okay with it. 2572 02:54:41,190 --> 02:54:45,277 I didn't get to be gay for 25 years. I figured I got some catching up to do. 2573 02:54:48,405 --> 02:54:50,324 But I need to move on. 2574 02:54:50,407 --> 02:54:53,452 I need to make my life into something else... 2575 02:54:54,745 --> 02:54:58,874 instead of just my friends and the parties. 2576 02:54:58,957 --> 02:55:03,754 That's the only way I'll have something to give back to someone. 2577 02:55:07,424 --> 02:55:09,468 Do you see that? 2578 02:55:12,095 --> 02:55:14,014 Tell me you see that. 2579 02:55:14,848 --> 02:55:16,892 Can't you move on with someone there? 2580 02:55:17,976 --> 02:55:21,063 Not if that someone has a lot of catching up to do. 2581 02:55:43,669 --> 02:55:45,128 Hey, guys. 2582 02:55:45,212 --> 02:55:47,047 Hey, hag. 2583 02:55:47,089 --> 02:55:49,550 Why'd you go and do a thing like that for? 2584 02:55:49,591 --> 02:55:50,968 I'm sorry, guys. 2585 02:55:52,386 --> 02:55:55,514 - I'm sorry, Patrick. - Hey, I'm sorry too. 2586 02:55:58,433 --> 02:56:01,103 I am so Demi Moore in "St. Elmo's" right now. 2587 02:56:02,271 --> 02:56:05,065 You can be Demi Moore. Just as long as I'm not Ally Sheedy. 2588 02:56:05,148 --> 02:56:09,486 - I get to be Mare Winningham. - Nobody's gonna fight you on that one. 2589 02:56:10,404 --> 02:56:13,323 - Which one do I get to be? - Rob Lowe. 2590 02:56:16,827 --> 02:56:19,246 'Cause you're just so damn cute. 2591 02:56:19,288 --> 02:56:21,248 You can't help yourself. 2592 02:56:35,762 --> 02:56:38,473 Marshall, I don't care if you're not alone. 2593 02:56:40,309 --> 02:56:42,269 Marshall, open up. 2594 02:56:46,732 --> 02:56:49,484 What the hell are you doing? 2595 02:56:49,568 --> 02:56:51,028 This. 2596 02:56:51,111 --> 02:56:55,449 - All right, that's it, asshole. - Brian. Please, get inside. 2597 02:57:01,246 --> 02:57:04,791 You told me once that you were waiting for me to wake up. 2598 02:57:04,875 --> 02:57:08,253 You didn't wait long enough. 2599 02:57:08,295 --> 02:57:10,631 I've never been more awake than I am right now. 2600 02:57:11,798 --> 02:57:14,927 And I admit it. I fucked up. No matter who you were... 2601 02:57:15,010 --> 02:57:18,430 there would've been something wrong with you and someone better out there. 2602 02:57:19,890 --> 02:57:22,267 And I wish that I could change that. 2603 02:57:22,309 --> 02:57:26,021 I wish I could take back all the times that I didn't appreciate having you. 2604 02:57:26,104 --> 02:57:28,649 But I'll tell you right now... 2605 02:57:28,732 --> 02:57:30,651 I loved you. 2606 02:57:32,402 --> 02:57:36,073 I still love you. And it has nothing to do with me. 2607 02:57:36,156 --> 02:57:38,867 It has nothing to do with how good-looking he is. 2608 02:57:38,951 --> 02:57:42,496 It has to do with you. 2609 02:57:42,579 --> 02:57:46,250 Because you are sweet, you're endearing and... 2610 02:57:47,543 --> 02:57:49,670 uncomplicated. 2611 02:57:49,753 --> 02:57:52,172 And you're so beautiful. 2612 02:57:52,256 --> 02:57:56,176 I hope that you're happy together. I hope that this... 2613 02:57:57,511 --> 02:58:01,014 works out and that he is everything that you need... 2614 02:58:01,098 --> 02:58:03,016 because you deserve it. 2615 02:58:03,100 --> 02:58:07,145 But if he's not and it ends, I'll be there. 2616 02:58:09,940 --> 02:58:12,985 It's my turn to wait, and I'm going to wait long enough. 2617 02:58:37,217 --> 02:58:39,761 - "You really don't need to be here." - "Okay, I'm here..." 2618 02:58:39,845 --> 02:58:42,014 because Anne had a showing and she asked me to be here... 2619 02:58:42,097 --> 02:58:45,225 and because the baby book said this is an emotional event. 2620 02:58:45,309 --> 02:58:48,353 And no matter how tough you think you are, you might need somebody. 2621 02:58:48,437 --> 02:58:51,481 - Is this ready yet? - No. It takes a second to come through. 2622 02:58:51,565 --> 02:58:54,693 Why don't you just sit down and let the man do his job? 2623 02:58:54,735 --> 02:58:58,238 - Why don't you bite me? - Why don't you suck my left tit? 2624 02:58:58,322 --> 02:59:00,365 - If I sucked tits-- - Excuse me. 2625 02:59:01,325 --> 02:59:03,619 It's ready now. 2626 02:59:07,414 --> 02:59:08,582 That's the baby. 2627 02:59:25,933 --> 02:59:29,269 Miss Thing, where have you been? I have a full restaurant. I'm a waiter short. 2628 02:59:29,311 --> 02:59:31,063 I was at the closing on my house. I'm sorry. 2629 02:59:31,146 --> 02:59:33,899 Sorry don't feed the bulldog, sugar. Get your apron on. 2630 02:59:33,941 --> 02:59:37,569 Question. How much does Purple Guy pay you to be such a bitch? 2631 02:59:37,611 --> 02:59:41,490 It's your last night, hag. So you don't have to worry about that now, do you? 2632 02:59:43,825 --> 02:59:46,286 Surprise! 2633 03:00:22,614 --> 03:00:25,576 I had forgotten Dennis knew this many meanwhiles. 2634 03:00:25,659 --> 03:00:28,245 I know. They're from all of his house parties. 2635 03:00:28,328 --> 03:00:31,498 So, did Leslie tell you? We saw the baby. 2636 03:00:31,582 --> 03:00:36,920 Oh, that is so cool. So is it a Patricia or a Patrick,Jr.? 2637 03:00:37,004 --> 03:00:38,922 It's a Jack. 2638 03:00:40,132 --> 03:00:42,759 I'm an actor. I just shot this film with Kip Rogers. 2639 03:00:42,843 --> 03:00:45,387 Kip Rogers. Wow. 2640 03:00:45,470 --> 03:00:47,389 I hear he's gay. 2641 03:00:47,472 --> 03:00:49,683 No, he's not gay. He's married. 2642 03:00:49,766 --> 03:00:52,311 Okay, so check this shit out. 2643 03:00:52,352 --> 03:00:54,563 Paul called me. 2644 03:00:54,646 --> 03:00:57,941 He said he wants to talk. He said he misses me, but just as a friend. 2645 03:00:58,025 --> 03:01:00,485 This is a good thing. It allows you the perfect opportunity... 2646 03:01:00,569 --> 03:01:03,906 for the final phase of all relationships: reconciliation. 2647 03:01:03,989 --> 03:01:07,242 Try closure. I told that bitch to fuck off. 2648 03:01:07,326 --> 03:01:10,454 Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic on the 405. 2649 03:01:10,537 --> 03:01:15,042 I told you not to take the freeways. L.A. is all about the side streets. 2650 03:01:19,713 --> 03:01:22,132 It's for Europe. It's a carrying case for your camera. 2651 03:01:22,216 --> 03:01:24,259 Look, got your initials on it. 2652 03:01:29,598 --> 03:01:32,684 I saw that guy you came with. He's cute. 2653 03:01:32,726 --> 03:01:35,354 Whatever. We met at a club a few weeks ago. 2654 03:01:35,395 --> 03:01:37,731 - You know how it is. - Oh, yeah, I do. 2655 03:01:40,192 --> 03:01:41,485 I'll be back. 2656 03:01:42,486 --> 03:01:43,737 I'll be here. 2657 03:01:45,322 --> 03:01:47,616 - Okay, hag, you ready for your gift? - Excuse us. 2658 03:01:47,699 --> 03:01:51,453 - You didn't have to get me a gift. - We didn't get you anything. You did. 2659 03:01:51,537 --> 03:01:54,706 - It was nothing, really. - Gentlemen and very few ladies... 2660 03:01:54,790 --> 03:01:56,750 I am pleased to present... 2661 03:01:56,834 --> 03:01:59,753 the premiere photo gallery opening... 2662 03:01:59,837 --> 03:02:01,964 of budding photojournalist... 2663 03:02:02,047 --> 03:02:06,426 our very own European-bound Mr. Dennis Schiff. 2664 03:02:24,027 --> 03:02:28,198 - Where did you guys get these? - Taylor and I stole your negatives. 2665 03:02:28,282 --> 03:02:30,158 This one's out of focus. 2666 03:02:30,242 --> 03:02:32,619 After a few drinks, it'll look fine. 2667 03:02:33,620 --> 03:02:37,833 Taylor, get the pitchers. The drinking games are about to begin. 2668 03:02:37,916 --> 03:02:40,794 Let's play "Who Can Act Straight the Longest." 2669 03:02:52,556 --> 03:02:55,559 A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. 2670 03:02:55,642 --> 03:02:59,479 Fact is, I don't know. I can't remember. 2671 03:02:59,563 --> 03:03:02,065 But what I do remember, what I can recall... 2672 03:03:02,149 --> 03:03:05,110 is the moment I first realized it was okay. 2673 03:03:06,486 --> 03:03:09,114 It was when I met these guys... 2674 03:03:09,198 --> 03:03:11,283 my friends. 2675 03:03:12,326 --> 03:03:18,582 Please rate this subtitle at %url% Help other users to choose the best subtitles 218206