Original subtitles

NARRATOR: A ruthless killer is on the loose

In "Father's Day," a deadly tale of revenge.

Coming up next on the Atron-6, your Channel 6 super station.

[Music playing]

[Music playing]

[Rumbling]

[Blood squelching]

[Heavy breathing]

[Chewing]

[Slurping]

[Door bangs]

[Heavy footsteps]

[Erratic breathing]

[Suspenseful music]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Music continues]

[Car engine revs]

Happy Father's Day.

[Heavy metal playing]

Get the hell up.

Hey, Twink.

Oh, fuck me. DETECTIVE STEGEL: Back so soon.

What? Did you miss me?

Yeah, I guess so.

DETECTIVE STEGEL: Weren't you just here 48 hours ago?

And you're, uh, back.

And guess what?

Another fat old man dead.

TWINK: Yeah.

And...

Yeah but this time... It's your old man.

I didn't kill my fucking dad man.

When was the last time you saw your father alive.

The last time that I talked to my dad

Is when he picked me up from here yesterday morning.

Man, you know that.

You saw him.

You know this is the third time this month

I've had to do this for you.

The third time this month.

TWINK: I didn't do...

You didn't do anything?

What are you talking about?

You're found in a motel room with a dead man.

He's covered in blood.

He's been buggered up the ass until he's...

TWINK: Listen to me. - Yeah, yeah.

You didn't do anything.

Well, I've made an appointment for you

With Father Sullivan at Saint Augustine.

He's young.

Maybe he'll be able to relate to you.

I don't know why you think I did whatever it

Is that you think that I did!

Son, I experimented when I was young, too.

But this is serious.

A dead man in a motel room?

I mean, Andrew, what is going on?

Or is it Twink now? Is that it?

Twink? Yes.

Yes.

Please, just let me talk to you.

(ANGRILY) I can't cover for you anymore.

OK? I just... I can't.

TWINK: Well, if Mom was here she would have.

Well, if your mother was here, what would she have done?

I don't know.

More than you ever did.

God.

The smartest thing your mother ever did was get away from you.

Listen, Andrew I'm sorry.

Get...

You don't know anything.

(YELLING)You don't know anything!

Don't pretend that you do because you

Don't know anything about me.

You don't know anything about me!

Fuck you!

Damn it.

DETECTIVE STEGEL: Wait a second, wait a second.

He dropped you off at work?

TWINK: Yeah, I went to work for the day.

On the street corner?

At a pizza... I work at a pizza and pop shop.

WALNUT: 16 years old, skin like butter,

Eyes as blue as daddy's Corvette.

He'll suck your dick till your nose bleeds.

What do you say?

How much?

You are beautiful, you know that?

You're trying to rob me?

[Pipe clangs]

Ow!

Shit.

Piece of shit!

Fuck!

Ow!

Fucking pervert!

[Yells]

That kid's 16.

They're going to lock you up for that shit.

Please!

Please, I have a wife and kids.

Is that so?

You know how many dads go missing

Around here motherfucker?

[Beating continues]

TWINK: Walnut.

Walnut, that's enough!

Fucking faggot!

Fucking asshole, man!

Yeah.

How much did you get?

What?

From his wallet.

Uh, shit.

Yeah?

After all I've done for you, huh?

Who killed your father then?

You won't believe me if I tell you.

DETECTIVE STEGEL: I'm all ears.

TWINK: He must have left the door unlocked for me.

He always does.

Maureen, where have we gone wrong?

[Music playing faintly]

[Door creaks]

[Choking]

[Gasping]

[Speaking incoherently]

[Yells]

What are you doing!

[Gasping]

[Breathing heavily]

[Door slams]

[Gasping]

Wha... what are you... What are you... no!

[Crunching]

[Yelling]

[Muffled screams]

[Gasping]

[Dad screaming]

DETECTIVE STEGEL (MOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT): Bulletin!

We have a warrant out for a Santa

Clause and an Easter Bunny.

Are you fucking serious?

Can you describe this for me?

Are you going to make fun of me or can I actually do it?

I think we're on two different levels.

I'm going to let you go. I'm going to let you go.

OK?

Because this is going no where.

So, uh, get the fuck out.

Let's go.

Get the fuck out.

Seriously?

Get the fuck out of here before I change my mind.

TWINK: All right!

But sweetheart, don't go far.

Because I'm going to keep my eye on your ass.

OFFICER: Father John Sullivan?

Yes, thank you, officer.

I can take it from here.

Hello, Andrew.

I'm Father John Sullivan.

And I know you've had a rough go lately what with your father...

My dad called me Andrew.

It's Twink.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Huh, a difficult one, eh?

Well, Father John does love a challenge.

Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

Just think of me as a big brother.

Big brother Father John Sullivan.

Have you seen your dad burn to death in front of you?

Huh?

No.

But I've read several grizzly accounts of the crucifixion,

And it's very disturbing stuff.

Stay the fuck away from me Jesus freak.

A gift.

This is progress.

Thank you.

It was in my dad's mouth when he burned to death.

FATHER O'FLYNN: John?

FATHER SULLIVAN: Yes, Father?

Did you speak to the boy?

I did briefly.

But he didn't seem interested in the help

The Church was offering.

Shame.

A child losing a father is a terrible tragedy.

Terrible!

Yes.

He gave me something.

I don't know what significance it has.

A tie?

Does this have some meaning to you?

It's him!

Who, Father?

The Fuchman.

The Fuchman is back.

Fuchman?

There was a boy many years ago much like we're

Trying to help this boy now.

His name was Ahab.

Many fathers were killed at that time.

Not one was safe from the beast.

Then one day he found Ahab's father.

I raised that boy as I would raise me own.

He... he tried to kill the Fuchman.

He left us a long time ago.

What is the Fuchman?

You must find this man Ahab!

You must find him!

I believe he's the only one that can help us now.

Where can I find him?

He's far way.

Far, far away.

[Coughing]

[Music playing]

[Gasping]

Hello?

Hello?

[Door creaks]

[Fire crackling]

Hello?

[Yells]

AHAB: In Native American mythology

The wolf was known as the night listener.

A completely blind species, but with ears that could hear a pin

Drop anywhere in the forest.

I... I don't think any of that's true.

Get out.

Are you Ahab?

Father O'Flynn sent me, and I've traveled across the world

To speak to you.

Yeah, well, I would have been all ears like my wolf brother

Over there, but you embarrass me.

I'd like you to leave.

Please.

Wait.

There's... there's been rapes.

Let me guess.

They're all dads.

Yes. Yes.

So you know of the Fuchman and the Father's Day killings?

AHAB: I know.

And I'll have no part of it!

You understand?

FATHER SULLIVAN: Ahab, Father O'Flynn is ill.

It's his dying wish to see you.

Ahab?

[Gasps]

Sorry, I'm tapping this maple tree.

It's not a maple tree.

Well, what the hell have I been making this syrup out of?

O'Flynn told me of your past.

I know you have your share of demons.

I guess you're not the Ahab O'Flynn was talking about.

[Music playing]

No, no, Ahab!

No! No!

Stop it!

Stop it you ungrateful child!

AHAB: Padre.

Give me five minutes.

John, I want you to have this.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Oh, what is it?

AHAB: For the road.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Oh, thanks.

But unfortunately I don't drink.

AHAB: It's maple syrup, John.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Oh, well, in that case... bottoms up.

AHAB: You're a weird guy, John.

FATHER O'FLYNN: It's only gotten worse since you left.

More fathers raped and murdered.

The time has come for you to finish what

You started as a young man.

I hurt a lot of people in my life, Father.

I don't want to hurt anymore.

The Lord forgives you my son.

The Lord might forgive me, but...

John will take you to the scene of the most recent tragedy.

Be careful, my son.

I fear the Fuchman has...

[Coughing]

AHAB: Don't worry about me, Father.

You just work on getting better, OK?

You heard the man, Padre.

[Music playing]

What took you so long?

Stegel.

How long's it been, Ahab?

12 years?

Now, it's funny.

In the time you've been off the streets

We haven't had one father raped, molested,

Tongue kissed, or otherwise.

I'm only here to help, Stegel.

Yeah, if memory serves me correctly... fathers

Have a way of turning up raped and killed

When you try to help.

Are you going to help me like you helped old Bill Cummings?

You bastard.

I swear to God, Ahab, I will take you down so hard

Your grandkids will feel it.

And if it were up to me, you'll speak in bird-dog to the prison

Yards you cock-eyed fuck!

I want one reason, Ahab.

Now, come on!

[Grunts]

What the hell is that?

Why don't you tell me?

What?

Is Fuchman some kind of satanist now?

Now you listen to me you son of a bitch!

You and I both know Chris Fuchman

Has been dead for 30 years.

Father's Day Killer, Cannibalman Killer, Fat Boy Fucker,

Cannibal Cock Killer!

Now, those damn reporters can give it any name they want,

But I got my eye on you and that degenerate sister of yours.

Chelsea?

Yeah, if your dad's been involved,

I can count on her snooping through my crime scene,

Disturbing evidence.

Entering an investigation is an indictable offence, Ahab.

So you tell her I said hi, and maybe

She'll listen when you suggest she stick to what she knows.

Eh, turning tricks with the Low Life club.

[Laughs mockingly]

Yeah, they always return to the scene of the crime.

[Music playing]

DJ: Nipples and dollars, you'll be on stage two.

Nipples and dollars for stage two, please.

What can I get you?

I'm looking for a girl.

Maybe you can help me.

In the back.

What?

I said in the back.

Talk to a manager.

DJ: Gentlemen, pull out those big rolls.

The ladies want to see your wads,

And you got to hold them up high.

Get ready to shower the stage with dollar bills.

[Woman speaking indistinctly]

MARY (THROUGH DOOR): It's not a crime if you tell

Somebody about it beforehand.

What?

Shut the fuck up!

Mary.

It's Sleazy Mary.

And what's it to... Well, well, well.

It's been a long time, Mary.

It's been a long time.

Listen, I know you don't owe me any favors.

And I don't expect you to cut me any slack,

Especially after the way I left you.

There was something I needed to do.

And you're going to have to learn to accept

It and move on, honey.

[Chuckles]

Good.

Good.

That was easier than I expected.

Listen, I'm going to need a favor from you, Sleazy.

It's my sister.

I know she works here, and I want

To get her out of this dive.

She's in a lot of trouble, Mary.

I was just hoping you could help me

Get her out of this shit hole before her life goes down

The drain like yours did and she looks 30 years older

Than she is dealing with the business end of a coat hanger

And...

[Grunts]

[Rock music playing]

DJ: As the clock strikes midnight in the Low Life,

A wildcat with a taste for meat slinks on to the stage.

Gentlemen, would you make some noise for the foxiest bitch

In the city, the Luscious Lynx.

[Rock music playing]

Chelsea?

Hey, what's up?

What's up, man?

Chelsea!

Can I help you?

Where's Chelsea?

Who the fuck wants to know?

Ahab?

You know this guy?

Yeah, he's my brother.

You never told me you had a brother.

No one tells me shit.

How did you get in here?

Your doorman took a break?

[Whimpering]

STRIPPER: Oh, my God, Arty!

You got shot again?

Shot in the neck again.

You're all grown up.

Imagine that!

I grew up without you.

I was a mess.

I just wanted more for you than this.

I'm sorry, Ahab.

What did you expect?

I was a little girl.

Yeah, well, I had nothing to do with that.

They split us up after mom and dad died so...

Do you have any idea what it was

Like growing up in that orphanage with the nuns?

I prayed every night that you would come and find me,

But you never did!

I wrote you letters.

I guess it turns out my brother only cares about himself.

So why don't you fuck off.

That's what you're best at.

Chelsea, I agree I might have been a bad brother,

But I don't want you putting your life

On the line over some stupid vendetta

For the Father's Day killer.

Why not?

You did.

Well, I'm not my little sister.

And look where it got me.

No.

You did this to yourself.

I'm not some fucking cowboy running around shooting

At anything that moves.

I've done my homework.

And I'm going to finish what you couldn't.

Get out.

Well, I'm sorry.

[Music plays in distance]

FATHER SULLIVAN (SINGING): Come home.

Come home.

If you love me will you come...

Take me to the airport, John.

What?

Take me to the airport, John.

Ahab, she's just upset.

Give her some time.

I spent years living in that forest, John.

Come the spring thaw I'd tap those maple trees.

And I collected that sap.

And I boiled it down.

And I watched those sugars caramelize.

I made some of the sweetest syrups you can imagine, John.

But John, you let those syrups sit, and they start to ferment.

And it loses all its goodness.

So Chelsea is like the syrup that sat too long.

Why would you say that to me?

I'm sorry.

I misunderstood, brother.

So you are like the wise old tree?

I'm like a tree?

That's a really mean thing to say to somebody, John.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Shutter clicks]

[Screams]

TWINK: Chelsea.

CHELSEA: Twink, you scared the shit out of me.

What's he doing here?

Nice to see you, too, bitch.

He killed my dad.

Twink...

And I know... I know he's coming for me because of what I saw.

Come on, sweetheart, you're coming home with me tonight.

OK?

I just want my dad back, Chelsea.

I know, Twink.

I know.

Come on, let's go.

[Sobbing]

WALNUT: I'm not invited?

[Shutter clicks]

I don't know what these fuckers are up to, but I don't like it.

Mark.

You said it, boss.

Answer to your boot, cockshit.

Mark.

What?

I'm sorry.

Can we get back to work?

I would love to.

I meant there's syrup in my cabin fermenting as we speak.

I thought it was a metaphor.

I thought you were saying that Chelsea was

Like the good pure syrup that had started to ferment,

And that you yourself had soured with old age.

And look, I thought that in your own spiritual way

You were trying to say that you didn't want her to make

The same mistakes that you did.

I love you goddammit.

Oh, shoot.

I'm not even supposed to say that.

I'm going to be doing Hail Mary's until the freaking

Cows come home.

Gosh darn it.

Gosh darn it.

I'm like a tree, I said that?

Yes, in a way.

Christ.

Oh!

I'm taking you to the airport.

No, John.

Please, take me to my hotel.

I've got a lot of thinking to do.

OK.

But John, one thing.

You don't call a man a tree.

I know.

I know.

CHELSEA: Make yourself at home, Twink.

I've got to wash that place off me.

Do you want any help with that, baby?

What is wrong with you?

All right, sorry.

Don't get your fucking titties in a twist, babe.

Don't forget whose house you're in, Walnut.

And don't talk to me like I'm one of those cunts

On the corner of 42nd.

Or I swear to God I will turn your cock into kue basah.

[Scoffs]

Jesus Christ, you'd think I'd got you pregnant.

What?

Shut up.

You got somebody pregnant?

You sound like that clit Lauren.

What about Lauren?

Fuck!

You popped my balls, bitch.

What about Lauren?

What are you talking about, Walnut?

She calls me up, tells me she's pregnant,

She's going to have a kid.

I don't want a fucking kid.

Look at me.

Oh, my God.

Hey, uh, mind if I smoke this in here?

Yeah, actually I do mind.

Fuck!

Oh, no, not again.

CHELSEA: Don't worry, Twink, I've got

A flashlight in the kitchen.

No!

Walnut?

Walnut?

Walnut?

WALNUT: I'm right here, man.

Chill out.

What kind of fucking dump did you bring me to?

TWINK: Did you really get that girl pregnant?

CHELSEA: I got it!

[Choking]

[Snarling]

[Screams]

[Erratic breathing]

[Gunshots]

[Screams]

Chelsea, it's Ahab.

Hello?

Chelsea?

[Glass shatters]

[Laughter]

Ahab?

TWINK: Ahab?

[Groans]

A fish bowl to the head, are you kidding me?

I'm sorry.

You look like Fuchman.

That son of a bitch killed my best friend

Right here in front of me.

OK.

So this here is...

Was his friend Walnut.

Yeah.

Chelsea, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Chris Fuchman in your apartment.

You could have been killed.

Those eyes, you know? Those eyes.

I had him, Ahab.

I shot him right there.

He escaped through the kitchen window.

Why didn't he kill you?

Chelsea, if anything were to happen to you,

I don't what I'd do with myself.

Why don't you just get out of the city for a few days.

I'm going after Fuchman alone.

I'm coming with you.

OK.

That fuck is going down.

Who is this kid again?

Who is the one that does all the research?

Who picks up the bread crumbs that those stupid cops leave

Behind?

Me!

So don't make this some bullshit boys' club.

Chelsea, I have nothing left.

You're the only person. [knocking at door]

DETECTIVE STEGEL (AT DOOR): Open the door.

It's the police.

Stegel!

What do we do?

I have a plan.

I'll get you guys out of here, and I'll deal with Stegel.

But you have to take me with you.

Take me with you, or you talk to Stegel

And explain to him why you're here drenched in the blood

Of a street-ho mother fucker.

Hey!

Meet me a the Low Life in an hour.

Detective Stegel.

What a pleasant surprise.

Has there been a break in the case?

Who are you talking to in there?

Just some friends.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize.

Ma'am.

Don't worry.

They were just leaving.

See you girls later.

Now... what can I do for you?

Oh!

Ah, that was close one.

I just hope Chelsea's all right.

That girl can take care of herself.

The Low Life's that way, man.

We're not going to the Low Life.

[Music playing]

Is someone there?

John, is that you?

[Coughing]

You.

After all these years you've come for me.

[Coughing]

My boy has returned.

Do to me as you wish.

Nothing will stop the inevitable.

[Air whooshing]

The Fuchman.

I miss you, Dad.

I wanted to do good by you, but I let you down.

I'm sorry.

It won't happen again.

What's this?

Dig.

I got that much.

Dig why?

Oh, gross.

Gross, gross, gross gross.

I guess you're pretty sad your dad's not in there, huh?

[Music playing]

[Gasps]

Ahab, you piece of shit.

As I'm sure all of you have heard,

Father O'Flynn was taken from us late last night.

First off, I would like to thank all of you for your kind words

This morning.

In our time of grief, let us not forget Romans 14:7.

For none of us liveth to himself,

No man dieth to himself.

[Laughs]

OK.

Wow.

Death.

Let's talk about that white elephant in the room today.

Like so many others, Father O'Flynn was taken

From us much, much too early.

I know many of you are asking, wasn't he like 100 years old?

Honestly, I don't know.

The poor man could only enjoy boiled water.

Nevertheless, that didn't change the importance that he

Held in all of our lives.

My life.

My life.

God has mercifully ensured that our suffering

Diminishes with time.

But where, my brother and sisters may I ask you,

Is God right now?

Where is God, huh?

Is he under this podium?

Oh, hello, God?

Nope.

A beautiful, defenseless, impossibly

Old man is viciously murdered and God

Does nothing to stop it.

Nothing!

Oh, look at me.

I'm God.

I sit on my fat ass!

I don't hear anything.

No lightening.

No storms.

Not a raindrop.

And I just ripped him, I just ripped him a new one.

And I find myself asking, what would Jesus do?

Huh?

Where is he?

Rose from the dead, didn't he?

Moved a great big rock and all that.

Is he himself going to punish the wicked?

Fuck no.

So I'm going to do it for him.

Let's tear this place apart!

[Music playing]

[Growling]

[Grunting]

FUCHMANICHISTS: Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

[Gunshots]

Padre.

TWINK: Oh, Christ.

Not quite but close.

What?

Close to Christ.

What brings you here, Padre?

I had to find you to tell you that Father

O'Flynn was killed last night.

TWINK: Christ, Ahab.

Let's go get this guy.

FATHER SULLIVAN: That's right, Ahab.

You must kill the Fuchman.

I wish to help you.

[Scoffs]

You?

Look, man, I'm sorry about your buddy.

I am.

But this just isn't for you.

[Music playing]

That's the rest of it.

Now we end this tonight.

Great.

Well, where to?

[Sighs]

We should have thought this out better.

OK.

Back to the Low Life.

Cool.

More naked women, exactly what I want to see.

I've never seen one.

My door is locked.

My door is locked.

My door is locked.

Can't you read the fucking sign?

Employees only.

[Grunts]

[Music playing]

[Chainsaw whirs]

I'm going to turn you into a pinata, mashed potato hand.

[Yelling]

[Chainsaw revs]

[Screaming]

[Music playing faintly]

Is he still here?

I'm so cold.

I'm so cold.

AHAB: God damn it.

What happened to my sister?

Hold me.

Mary, my sister.

What did you do with her?

Kiss me and I'll tell you what happened to her.

No. Gross.

[Coughing]

Why?

You fucking hurt me.

Kiss me and I will tell you what happened to Chelsea.

[Coughing]

There.

Now, where is she?

You didn't even touch.

Yeah, well, you just... I did.

You just probably didn't feel it because of your dying.

[Groans]

[Coughing]

[Laughing]

(COUGHING) He took her in a white truck, heading east.

AHAB: Thanks, Mary.

Take Chelsea's scrapbook.

She has everything on that bastard.

[Coughing]

Hey, is that some of Ahab's syrup?

Oh, yes.

Uh, Ahab gave it to me.

Bastard always loved that syrup more than he loved me.

Did you ever take us seriously?

Are you going to answer her or...

I would but she's already gone.

[Music playing]

How do you know he'll be on this road?

Is there any other way out here?

I know he's out here.

I know it.

I can smell him.

Can't you smell him, Ahab?

I don't know.

I can smell something I think.

TWINK: Shut up.

[Grunting]

It's him!

How do you know?

Shot in the dark.

Roll up to Chelsea's window.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Oh, this is so dangerous.

TWINK: I got her!

Chelsea!

Twink!

[Screaming]

[Yelling]

I didn't get her.

Help!

AHAB: Get me on that truck.

[Groaning]

Ahab!

Ahab!

Ahab!

[Yelling]

Go, man!

It's dead.

Come on!

God damn fucking thing sucks.

[Groaning]

Ahab!

You're hurt.

[Groans]

No, I'm fine.

[Yells]

[All yelling]

It's out.

We just got to get this thing running.

[Groans]

Is he dead?

Yes.

We have to get him out of here.

This is isn't safe, man.

What about the GD jeep?

I think we can fix it.

[Explosion]

I think we can fix it.

[Humming softly]

I should've killed him when I had the chance.

Ahab, you can't blame yourself.

No, not now.

I mean, when I was a little kid.

Chris Fuchman killed my dad right in front of me.

And I tried to stop him but...

FUCHMAN: You taste like pussy.

I hate pussy.

[Erratic breathing]

FATHER SULLIVAN: You were just a child then.

[Crying]

YOUNG AHAB: Please don't!

[Screaming]

AHAB: I swore that I would find the man that killed my dad.

I would make him pay.

SENSEI: Your thirst for revenge is strong,

But your pain makes you weak.

AHAB: It's all I could think about.

But it seemed the closer I got, the further away he actually

Was.

Till one night I had him.

Happy Father's Day.

But he tricked me.

It wasn't Chris Fuchman at all.

The cops were there in a heartbeat.

We got you, Ahab.

Your father fucking days are over.

The jury didn't look too kindly on a vigilante

Killing an innocent man.

They gave me 10 years.

That's 10 years to think about how I took

Some dad away from some kid.

When I got out, I just wanted to disappear.

[Clears throat]

Why did you come back?

It was time.

It was time.

Is he OK?

I don't know.

It doesn't look good.

I've done all I can.

What are we going to do?

I've got to keep this fire going

Or he'll freeze to death out here.

I'm hungry.

I wish we had something to eat.

Well, I found these berries in Ahab's jacket.

Here.

I know we don't get along.

But if he... you know... You have to promise me

We'll finish this for Ahab.

For your father.

These things taste like shit.

We must be thankful for what we have.

I just hope Chelsea's OK.

[Music playing]

[Erratic breathing]

[Groaning]

I swear to God if you come near me with that thing,

I'll bite it off!

[Heavy breathing]

I'm not a dad!

TWINK: You don't know me!

You don't know me!

FATHER SULLIVAN: What was that?

You don't know me, boy!

Eye boy.

Do you think we have something?

Did you hear that?

I think he's going to be fine.

What was that?

I got you some stuffs.

I don't want to watch it.

I don't want to watch it, but I can't stop.

I can't stop watching it.

I don't want to look at it anymore.

I don't want to look at it anymore.

No more.

(VOICE DISTORTING) No more berries.

I think he's under that eye patch.

[Screaming]

I'm going to go track down a stick,

Find out what's under that GD eye patch.

Jesus, is that you?

[Screaming]

You're dust, eye patch.

Baby, I think I'm pregnant.

I have no choice.

He will come for me.

I feel pregnant, too.

What's wrong with you?

This isn't my coat.

(VOICE DISTORTED) Don't find your coat, find me Ahab.

AHAB: Find my what?

[Music playing]

Chelsea!

Save me, Ahab!

AHAB: Where are you going?

Twink?

If you want to get out just look at your hand.

AHAB: Chelsea, come back!

[Gasping]

FATHER SULLIVAN: Just go to sleep.

It's for the best, OK?

These aren't my hands!

I lost everything.

No, no, no!

[Thud]

Ahab?

You're OK.

I'm fine, John.

Someone must have fed me some of my tasty berries.

Come on.

Twink?

FATHER SULLIVAN: According to Chelsea's scrapbook,

Fuchman's hiding out at some abandoned water slides

By the old condemned dam.

Yeah, it went out of business after a couple

Dads went missing.

Yeah.

And that place is hundreds of miles away.

We're never going to make it there on foot.

Me agrees.

Not with that attitude we won't.

TWINK: Well, he agrees.

NARRATOR: Astron-6's late night movie will return in a moment.

Coming up at 3:00.

In the year 1999, the university is at war.

And it's up to Captain Blake Star

To save it in "Star Raiders"

I knew you would save me, Blake Star.

[Music playing]

NARRATOR: "Star Raiders" on the Astron-6.

Your Channel 6 super station.

We now return to "Father's Day."

FATHER SULLIVAN: Water slides.

There's nothing sacred to this monster.

TWINK: I used to piss on these slides, so joke's on him.

AHAB: This is it.

All right, Padre, if it comes down to it,

You're going to be our bait.

FATHER SULLIVAN: What?

AHAB: You're the closest thing to a father we've got.

TWINK: He's right.

FATHER SULLIVAN: You've got to be kidding me.

AHAB: This ain't no time for jokes, Padre.

If we find that GD thing, we've got to take it down fast.

And if that means you run a little interference,

Well, that's just the way it's got to be.

[Groaning in distance]

Oh, shit.

This is it, isn't it?

God, I'm going to die down here.

Oh, fuck me.

My Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name,

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,

On Earth as it is in Heaven.

[Gasps]

What?

Fuck!

It's locked.

Wait.

I have an idea.

That didn't work.

Twink, look for a key.

What's it look like?

Like a freaking key, Twink.

Look for a key.

[Grunts]

Look at that.

That's disgusting.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Oh, what's in his mouth.

God, it's in his mouth.

He's got a key in his mouth.

Twink, get the key out of his mouth.

I don't want to get the key out of his mouth.

You're right.

Padre, get the key out of his mouth.

Why do I have to do it?

Because you do whatever we tell you to do.

OK.

TWINK: I would do it, if I was you.

Hell, I'd loved to be you for a day.

Get to do cool stuff like this every day.

Are you kidding me?

Come on.

OK.

TWINK: Get the heck down there.

Dude, I would love to.

OK.

Yeah.

Who cares?

TWINK: Yeah.

I'd kill to have a fun day like you have every GD day.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Oh!

Oh, I got it.

I got it.

[Groaning]

Oh, freaking in my face.

Is that funny?

Hm?

What?

It's not bad at all.

There's a pulse.

[Music playing]

There he is!

[Screams]

Fuck!

Oh, what do we do?

He shot me in the fucking hand!

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

Did you guys see that?

Oh, fuck.

We saw it.

Whoa!

Yeah!

You shot Twink.

I'm sorry, Twink!

You didn't get in on that!

That was awesome, man!

That was fucking crazy.

I know, right?

Let's go finish him off!

[Soft music playing]

The church is willing to overlook

Your recent conduct, Father John,

Providing that it never happens again.

You'll be moving into Father O'Flynn's quarters.

See to it that all his positions are charitably distributed.

But Father, I have a service.

For the foreseeable future, I'll be conducting the service.

I want you to focus on penance.

No more...

But Father...

Are we clear?

Yes, Father.

Yes, Father.

You know, you're going to have to pay for that wall.

[Music continues]

Well, you're definitely gay.

[Suspenseful music]

Ahab!

[Phone ringing]

Yeah?

Ahab!

Ahab, it's John.

You must listen to me this.

John, what are you doing on the phone?

[Knocking at door]

I must warn you that...

OK.

Just a sec, hang on.

I think there's a friend at the door.

[Knocking continues]

Ahab, don't answer the door!

AHAB: Chelsea, you're awake!

And you read this all in some book.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Not just some book, an ancient tome.

Tome?

Yes.

A tome.

Oh, toma.

Father O'Flynn was researching it before he went blind.

It calls the Fuchman by name.

It sounds like a real best seller.

[Laughs]

It says that the Fuchman appears each generation,

Raping and killing fathers until the host body is extinguished.

It says that he that sees but one path

Shall stand in the way of the Fuchmanachis.

What?

There's no time to explain.

TWINK: Whoa!

I love this new John!

Ahab, I never got a chance to thank you for saving me.

You're welcome.

You're my sister, Chelsea.

I'm just... you were saying you... It's not that I'm not attracted

To you or anything like that.

It's just that... Like last time I

See you you're this little kid, and I go away for 10 years.

I mean, I heard you were in that orphanage and those nuns.

And I... button fly actually.

I was going to do something about that.

When I come back and... a beautiful, mature woman.

[Music playing]

Fuck me, Ahab!

Fuck me, Ahab!

AHAB: Uh, oh, OK.

Uh, hold on.

[Groaning]

Chelsea, what the fuck?

FUCHMANICHISTS: Hail the Fuchmanicus.

[Yelling]

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

I'm going to stop.

Stop!

I don't...

FUCHMANICHISTS: Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Chelsea?

FUCHMANICHISTS: Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

[Gunshots]

[Groaning]

TWINK: Stop!

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop stop!

Stop it!

[Gunshots]

STEGEL: Mark, don't leave me.

Don't leave me, beautiful Mark.

Stegel?

That's right, Ahab.

Go on.

My people have been guarding the Fuchmanicus

For generations.

You were never more than a thorn in our side.

AHAB: You set me up.

Yeah.

Bill Cummings, eh?

Not tonight.

Happy Father's Day.

That's 10 years.

10 years of my life wasted.

We had to keep you around to fulfill your destiny.

Yeah?

Well, I did.

I killed the Fuchman.

[Thundering]

Ahab, you fool.

You played right into my hands.

With your seed I will birth the most powerful Fuchman yet!

Oh, glory to the Fuchman.

Happy Father's Day, Ahab.

AHAB: OK.

So seriously, though, what?

The Fuchman wanted us to kill him, Ahab.

Don't you understand?

We were pawns.

We were used.

It's all here in Father O'Flynn's book.

So I need you to be brutally honest with me

When you tell me exactly what you and Chelsea we're

Doing here tonight.

AHAB: Fuck all!

I don't know.

Hung out, talked, watched a bit of a... it doesn't

Even... the point is she didn't try to kill me

Or anything like that. No.

She wouldn't try and kill you.

She would try and have sex with you.

So let's get real here, Ahab.

Real talk time.

The Fuchmanicus could use your seed

To rebirth himself for another generation

Stronger than ever before.

And this whole thing would start all over again.

Now, if you just enjoyed a platonic evening

With your possessed sister, doing pleasant things,

Then we'll call it a day.

Good.

Good.

AHAB: So I... I might have... I might have... I might have

Fooled around with her a little bit

Last night when I was drunk.

So...

God, dude, your sister!

AHAB: I didn't want to or anything.

I was freaking blackout drunk, man.

I don't remember a GD thing.

Jesus, Ahab, you didn't.

Fuck you guys if you say you wouldn't do the same.

If you had... you've seen her!

Christ!

With your sister.

AHAB: No!

It was Fuchman all along, see?

And it... some kind of mind grip on me is what it is.

A fucking telekinetic psychic mind gap.

That's why I don't remember anything, Twink.

That's very weird.

I don't remember reading anything

About that in the book.

AHAB: That is weird.

It's probably in there somewhere.

Uh, just read between the lines or something.

I suppose it is open to interpretation.

Yep.

Yep.

Yes, it is.

And, uh, we could go get an abortion.

Put this whole thing behind us.

Never speak of it again.

Ahab, he has her.

AHAB: Fuchman?

Yes.

Yes.

AHAB: And he's...

In hell.

[Thundering]

Change of subject.

Can we go feed my cats real quick?

I will give you gas money if I have...

TWINK: Are we sure about this?

FATHER SULLIVAN: If this is the only way

Then this is the only way.

I was actually going to kill myself anyway so... two birds.

The Fuchmanicus demon is going to be much

Stronger than Chris Fuchman.

It's going to take all three of our strengths combined to...

All right, all right, all right.

Let's just do this right now, OK?

OK.

So how... how do we do this?

Is it just like one at a time?

Or, uh, do we...

Yeah, one at a time.

We just do it.

OK?

I think all at once would be better.

One gun.

We have one gun.

Well, what if one of us screws up?

What do you mean what if one of us screws up?

You're going to fag out.

I'm not going to fag out, fag.

What?

Out.

Fag out.

I'm not going to.

I'll kill you both right now.

Look, I just don't think guns is the way to go.

You got a better idea?

Uh, pills, razor blades, condoms.

I can kill myself with a condom.

I saw a guy choke to death...

[Gunshot]

Oh!

Did it work?

I don't know.

He had the prettiest... he looks like he's an owl.

Do you want to go next?

No.

[Rock music playing]

JACKET: Ahab, you were made for me.

Jacket, there you are.

[Music continues]

Twink?

Yes!

[Groans]

That's five out of eight.

[Screaming]

Jesus Christ.

Twink!

I lost.

[Screaming in distance]

So this is hell, huh?

It's not so bad.

What is taking Padre?

[Screaming]

Hello.

You must be Father John Sullivan.

Hi.

Where's Ahab and Twink?

Ahab.

Ahab.

No, no Ahabs on today's list, but we do have Twinkies.

All the Twinkies you could ever want for.

Cool.

Is this hell?

Uh, H-E-double hockey sticks you mean?

We don't use the H-word word much around here.

Sorry.

Already forgiven.

This is heaven, my friend.

A place where all your dreams come to fruition.

You can have anything your heart desires,

But you can never leave.

I heard of hell freezing over, but this is nuts.

Ahab, I say I heard of hell freezing over...

Yeah, yeah.

I heard you.

Fuck.

Can I have one of your gloves, man?

It's fucking...

[Groans]

It's so cold out here I can't hear this stuff about gloves.

Twink.

Twink?

Ahab?

Andrew.

Dad?

Andrew, there's something I've been wanting

To say to you for a long time.

I am so sorry for what happened to you.

Andrew, I wanted to tell you... I

Wanted tell you that your mother knew better than I

Did from the very beginning.

And that's why she hanged herself.

Chris Fuchman did me the best favor of my pathetic life,

Because I didn't have to look at your face.

I didn't have to look at the scum sucking

Homo that killed my wife.

Why are you saying this to me?

What?

Are you going to cry now?

Cry for me.

Cry for me because I didn't have the strength

To wrap that rope around my neck and join your mother.

Cry for me because I didn't have the balls

To smother you in your crib.

Cry for me because my son makes his money

By giving blow jobs to old men.

(SCREAMING) No!

[Music playing]

Chelsea?

Dad?

[Incoherent speech]

PRIEST: Do you, Chelsea, take Chris

Fuchman for all of eternity?

CHELSEA: I do.

(SCREAMING) No!

Who are you?

Why are you here?

Sorry.

CHELSEA: What is that?

An erection?

You want to fuck your own sister?

You're like the Indian in the cupboard, you'd get lost in me.

Are you scared?

I was scared when Fuchman took my soul.

[Screaming]

Give me my coat!

Twink!

Twink?

Walnut?

Don't listen to him, Twink.

Everything will be OK.

Come with me and everything will be fine.

TWINK: But...

Everything will be OK.

I've always loved you.

No! No!

No! Ahab!

Ahab!

Ahab, help!

Help!

Get me out of here! Get me out!

Get me out, please!

I thought I made myself clear.

Your soul belongs to heaven for eternity.

I know.

Obviously.

I just... what the hell is that?

Nobody move or I blow his head off!

You fool!

You have no idea what you're meddling with!

Shut your face, faggot!

You're going to take me to your boss,

And He's going to get me the hell out of here.

Or I'm going to put a bullet through you,

And I don't want to do that because you seem very nice.

Well, then don't do it, because it's true!

I know!

But I have to.

Everyone, do as he says.

Just do as he says.

Fucking do as I say.

Where's God?

His office is at the end of this hall.

Is He one of these chicks or something?

No! No!

It's at the end of this hall, I swear to Him.

What hall?

That hall!

I don't see shit!

It's... it's right there.

Just unfocus your eyes.

Don't let go, Twink!

Don't you let go!

Don't you let go, Twink!

Don't you let go, Twink!

NARRATOR: And hell was quiet once again.

What's this?

I'm sorry, God.

Hey, I had no choice.

He's got a gun.

Ah, come on, Chad.

Have you never been at gunpoint before?

What?

Are you afraid of a little pressure?

God, You've got to get me out of here, Man.

I got a situation in hell and I've got to take care of it.

Jesus Christ, grow up man.

Let's talk about this like adults.

Chad, didn't you tell him about the Twinkies?

I spent my whole life worshipping You.

But I swear to God if you don't show me to the exit,

I'll kill him.

And then I'll kill You.

He's fucking crazy.

He'll do it.

Ah, he won't do it.

Huh!

Your move, Old Man.

You know this is bad for business, right?

I think, uh, maybe, just maybe we can get a Bible

And read it together.

Get a little high.

You know, talk it out.

FATHER O'FLYNN: Not so fast, God.

Father!

Get out quick, John!

They do horrible things up here!

Terrible things!

Get out!

Come with me, Father!

It's too late for me.

Go!

Now!

I find you're always so overly dramatic.

This is all about business, you know that.

Get out, John!

I love you!

All right, put up your hands, God.

Where are You?

Where are You?

I'll blow Your brains out.

At least point the gun in approximately

The right direction.

Who said that?

[Gate creaking]

Don't look into...

Look me in the eye you fat piece of shit.

His eyes.

[Laughing evilly]

[Groaning]

Hang back, Mark.

I've got this.

Mark!

CHELSEA: Get the fuck away from my brother

You fat father fucker!

[Screaming]

I made it!

I made it!

[Growling]

Maybe now you'll take me seriously.

[Screaming]

Mary, you're alive.

Maybe now you'll take me seriously.

[Yelling]

[Howling]

Oh, it's a miracle.

[Baby crying]

AHAB: He's just a baby.

CHELSEA: Oh!

[Screaming]

We did it.

We did.

We did it.

Ahab!

It's OK, baby.

It's OK.

Mama's here.

Sleazy's here.

[Moaning]

MARY: You guys are siblings!

Is it really you?

It's me.

Ahab, I've missed you so much.

AHAB: I'm never going to let you go again.

What the hell is happening?

Your soul is returning to Earth.

Ahab, come with me!

AHAB: I'll find you!

I swear I'll find you!

Get an abortion!

I'm so sorry!

Huh.

Hm, well done, fellas.

And I ain't talking about the meat.

You!

AHAB: Who is this guy?

It's the devil.

And he's an asshole.

No, it's God.

He...

That's right.

That's right.

I own upstairs and downstairs.

You give the illusion of competition then

It raises morale.

Kind of like the move business.

Who is this guy talking, John?

FATHER SULLIVAN: It's over devil.

We destroyed the demon.

Oh, yeah.

Good work.

FATHER SULLIVAN: The world is safe.

Congratulations again.

FATHER SULLIVAN: We defeated you devil.

Yep.

You showed me.

You lost!

Huh, nice guy.

[Screaming]

How do we get out of here?

Twink!

Hey, my coat!

Oh, my fucking keys are in that thing.

Fuck!

FATHER SULLIVAN: Twink, get his keys.

AHAB: Fucking moron.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Maybe try the gun again.

AHAB: Yeah.

FATHER SULLIVAN: Yes.

[Gunshot]

[Sobbing]

AHAB: Where are you going?

Fuck off.

(SOBBING) How do we get out of here?

Maybe if we just hope really hard, really, really hard.

Hope, hope.

Hope, hope, hope.

Hope, hope, hope, hope!

[Flies buzzing]

[Music playing]

NARRATOR: Coming up at 5:00, life's a beach... a sexy beach

That is on the Astron-6.

Your channel 6 super station.