Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

ALL: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Awful.

Awful. Terrible.

I tell you, gentlemen, there's no use arguing against facts.

Our business is at a standstill,

and we've got to do something about it.

You're right, Mr. Ixnay.

Our munitions factories only sold

5 million buckaroos profit for the first quarter

of this year. Think of it, Mr. Onay.

Only 5 million. Why, we're practically starving.

That's true, but we must remember

that the kingdom of Moronika is at peace, Mr. Ixnay.

You're right, Mr. Amscray,

but there's no money in peace.

No. We must start a war.

Right. And if the king wants only peace,

then we must oust him and appoint a dictator.

That's it. A dictator. Exactly.

We must find someone who is stupid enough

to do what we tell him.

Uh, but where can we find anyone that stupid, Mr. Onay?

I've got the very man,

and he's in this house right now.

His name is Moe Hailstone.

He and his two helpers are papering my dining room.

A paperhanger? A paperhanger?

Why not?

Now, here's the whole plan...

Gentlemen.

He means us.

Yes, sir.

These are the men I was telling you about.

Boys, I want you to meet Mr. Amscray, Mr. Onay.

Hailstone, Gallstone, Pebble.

How do you do?

ALL: Show them an anthem.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We've come here to offer you

the greatest opportunity of your life.

You'll let us paper the living room?

No, no, no. You're through with papering.

My partners and I are going to make you dictator of Moronika.

Dictator? What does a dictator do?

A dictator? Why, he makes love to beautiful women,

drinks champagne, enjoys life and never works.

He makes speeches to the people, promising them plenty,

gives them nothing, then takes everything.

That's a dictator.

Hm, a parasite. That's for me.

Quiet. I must think.

Quiet while I think.

I must think.

Let me see...

Well, what about it?

I like the job, all right,

but I can't leave my two pals.

You know, our motto has always been,

"One for all and all for me."

Bedlach.

Bedlach.

Bedlach.

Mmm...

Hm!

Bedlach.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Ah... Ah... Ah... Ah. Nyuh...

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

Oh! Gentlemen,

so as not to break up your little triumvirate,

we're going to make this man field marshal

and head of all our fighting forces.

Can I have a uniform and a real sword?

You can have a hundred uniforms.

Just go out and shoot a hundred generals and help yourself.

[ULULATES]

I'll shoot 200 generals.

[IMITATES MACHINE GUN]

what's that?

It's a machine gun.

Let me see.

Ooh!

We'll make this man Minister of Propaganda.

Propaganda? What's that?

A papa gander marries a mama gander,

and they raise a lot of little goslings.

[SPUTTERS]

[SPUTTERS]

we'll take the job. What do we do?

First you start a beer putsch.

How?

You put your beer down and wait for the pretzels.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. [SIGHS] No, no, no, no.

You go to the saloons and you buy free beer

for all the saloonatics.

Then you march them to the palace

and force the king to abdicate.

That makes you dictator.

Hail, hail, Hailstone the dictator.

ALL: Hail, hail, Hailstone.

Wa-hoo.

My good people of Moronika,

I am very happy to see this little gathering.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

We must throw off the yoke of monarchy,

and make our country safe for hypocrisy.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[SILENCE]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Our motto shall be, "Moronika for morons."

[CROWD CHEERS]

[SILENCE]

We will have less work and more play.

Every Thursday you will receive hamburger and eggs.

[CROWD HISSES]

[CROWD CHEERS]

[SILENCE]

Moronika must expand.

We must extend our neighbors a helping hand.

We will extend them two helping hands,

and help ourselves to our neighbors.

ALL: Bedlach.

Bedlach. Bedlach.

By tomorrow...

[SPEAKING GERMAN-SOUNDING JIBBERISH]

Ja? Ja?

Ja? Ja!

Ja? Ja!

ALL: Ja, man.

Hallelujah.

We will now pause for station identification.

This is NUTS.

When you hear the conk on the dome,

it will be 3:00 Bolonia watch time.

[LOUD CONK]

Three o'clock Bolonia watch time.

Three o'clock Bolonia watch time.

It must be 3:00.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

Here's how. I know how.

[CHUGS]

Ring for my "sectry."

You mean secretary?

I said sectry. Secretary.

Which is correct?

Stenographer.

I'll ring for her.

I still say secretary.

Is that so? Yeah.

Hold that.

[GROANS]

What do you mean by reading a book?

Suppose you learn something.

Loyal Moronikans shouldn't read.

Take your troops out and have 'em burn every book in Moronika.

Not my little red book.

Let me see that.

"June East, 110 Goodnecking Place,

Whoopee 4430."

[READING]

"Woo woo woo."

Whoo-whoo-whoo.

Ooh, whoo-whoo.

I'll keep this.

Oh, a bookkeeper.

Go burn the books.

Why burn the books?

There are too many bookmakers.

Bookies are overrunning the country.

Those are my orders.

ALL: Hail, hail, Hailstone.

Wa-hoo.

[BUZZING]

MOE [OVER PHONE]: Yes?

Mati Herring is here to see you.

Marinate her and send her in.

Yes, sir.

Go on, get in there.

Treason, Your Excellency.

I caught this man walking down the street

with a chicken. Blond or brunette?

Quiet. Where did you get the chicken?

From an egg.

Where'd you get the egg?

Uh, from a chicken.

A vicious cycle. We must kill it.

Remind me to kill a cycle.

Quiet.

Put him in a concentrated camp.

Go on. Go on, there.

Go on.

On second thought,

throw him to the lions.

But we have no lions.

How about the Tigers or the Cubs?

Or the Giants.

Why have we no lions?

Because there's no bones in ice cream.

Well, we...

[CRYING] How can I throw anyone to the lions

when we have no lions?

Oh, don't worry, little fella.

We'll get you nice, ferocious lions.

[BARKS]

With long claws that scratch like this:

Ah! And long white teeth

that bite like that:

[SCREAMS]

You know...

I am Mati Herring.

Ah, my favorite dish.

Mwah.

Hm.

Don't taste like herring to me.

Oh, a connoisseurrey, eh?

Get out. Oh! Mm!

As Minister of Propaganda, I...

Don't want to hear from you.

Ooh!

What's the matter with him?

Got up on the wrong side of the gutter this morning.

Shall we gaze into the magic ball

and see what the future holds for you?

Come along.

Gonna take him up on the roof and overthrow him.

Whip out your magic ball, Mati.

Ickle, dickle, bickle, mickle.

Why, that's an eight ball.

Sit right down behind it.

The magic ball says you have not long to live.

Oh, goody. Shh! Shh! Shh! hh! Shh! SSShh! Shh!

[IMITATING TRAIN ACCELERATING]

Whoo-whoo!

[IMITATING TRAIN SLOWING DOWN]

[WHISTLES]

All out for Syracuse.

Syracuse? This is where I get off.

Where is he going?

The boy's from Syracuse.

Concentrate.

MATI: Spirits are sending me a message.

Nyuck, nyuck.

[CHUCKLES]

MATI: They are coming closer and closer.

I can feel their magic touch.

CURLY: Me too. Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

Ooh!

Why, you double-crosser, you.

Ooh!

Oh, look, a note fell out of the ball.

Let me see that.

[MOE READING]

Grab her.

Hey. Mm!

Hey. Just hold her arms. She's a spy.

She's a spy all over, isn't she?

Why, you half-wit.

Mm!

Nyuck, nyuck... Ooh!

Call out all my storm troopers.

Calling all storm troopers. Calling all storm troopers.

[IMITATES TRUMPET]

What's the matter? Quick, there's a storm brewing.

We caught a spy. Ho! Hi! Hut!

Hey! Hey! Hut!

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

Get a confession of the nasty spy and shoot her.

[DICE RATTLE]

MOE: Hey. How can you shoot her with dice?

They're loaded. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Here. Take her out and shoot her.

Don't worry about it. When I get the...

Come on, toots, we'll shoot the works.

And just think, I might have asked Mati Herring to marry me.

Yeah, you'd have been in some pickle with that Herring.

Yes, we...

Blindfold?

Yes, of course. Turn around.

Ten paces and I'll fire.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Ooh! That's that.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

What happened? That Mati Herring escaped.

And you shot me in the excitement, you fool.

We must get her back.

I'll be satisfied if we get her half back.

I'll take a quarterback.

In fact, I'll take Notre Dame and 2 points.

Oh, you want 2 points? I certainly do.

Well, you got them. Ow!

We gotta strike before she gets back to her father, the king,

and they gather an army. What can we do?

We'll start a blintz-krieg.

Oh, goody. I just love blintzes,

especially with sour krieg.

[SHOUTING GERMAN-SOUNDING JIBBERISH]

Ja? LARRY: Ja.

Ja? LARRY AND CURLY: Ja.

Get 'em.

Ah... Ah... Ah... Ah... Oh!

Gentlemen, study this map carefully.

We're gonna conquer the continent

of South Starv-vania.

You I shall give Mikey Finlen.

If I take Mikey Finlen, I better be "rushin'."

Then quit "stallin'." MOE: So be it.

It's time for our roundtable conference.

How can we have a roundtable conference?

We only got a square table. Oh, in Moronika,

nothing is on the square.

We shall have to cut corners.

Get busy. I'm cutting.

Oh, Your Excellency.

I'm your new secretary, Miss Feffernuss.

What is it, Miss Feffernuss?

The delegates are here for the roundtable conference.

How many of them are there?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe five,

six, seven, or eight, maybe.

Five, six, seven, eight?

Oh, I don't know what we'd do without you.

[CURLY GROANS]

Mighty pretty girl, isn't she?

Mighty fine dancer too.

You're not so bad yourself.

[LAUGHS]

I bet you tell that to all the boys.

Quiet. Tell the delegates we'll be ready in a moment.

Oh, I will.

Can I have another dance? I think I'll sit this one out.

Okay.

Ooh! Oh...

Isn't that half-wit finished yet?

Gentlemen, let us begin to begin.

As Minister of Oomphola, I object.

Your minorities are creeping into our majorities,

until you're making our majorities minorities.

Objection overruled.

ALL: Peace. We want peace.

Yes, a piece of this and a piece of that country.

Delegate Vonzripemup, do you really want peace?

Yes.

That Vonz is hard to crack.

You're using the wrong club. Try this niblick.

Oh, thanks, caddie. Fore.

ALL: Peace. We want peace.

What we want is a corridor through Double Crossia

as an outlet into the Bay of Window.

[ALL DISAGREEING VOCALLY]

Quiet.

The gentlemen object. Appease them.

How about throwing them to the new lions?

No, let's appease them. A just love appeasing.

I say, this is robbery. It's outrageous.

[ALL PROTEST INDISTINCTLY] LARRY: He's trying his best.

[SPEAKS GERMAN-SOUNDING JIBBERISH]

MINISTER OF OOMPHOLA: You can't get away with this!

You can't get away with this. This is robbery.

It's outrageous.

You're out.

[LAUGHS] [MOE SHOUTING IN MOCK GERMAN]

Shut up...

[SHOUTING]

Ooh! Oh!

Ooh... Oh...

Mm!

Ooh! Ooh!

Why you... See this?

Why...

Get him. Get him.

Moe. Curly. Oh!

LARRY: Moe. Curly.

Why, you...

Hm.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Oh! CURLY: Duck, dictator, duck.

Get up, get up.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Oh, boy. That's what I call a peace conference.

At last, things are beginning to come our way.

[MOB SHOUTING INDISTINCLTY] What's that?

Things are coming our way, all right.

The king, Mati Herring and a million people.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

ALL: Oh! Oh!

What'll we do?

Maybe we better abdicate.

CURLY: What do you mean "maybe"? Whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

MOE: Oh!

MOE: Hurry up. Lock that door.

Well, they won't get in here. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

What a narrow escape. Oh, it's lucky

I thought of this place.

[GROWLING]

What's the matter you got asthma?

No. That wasn't me.

[ALL GROWLING]

ALL: Ah... Ah... Ah!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[GROWLING]

[ALL SCREAM]

ALL: Oh... [CURLY BARKS]

[ALL SCREAM]

[GROWLING STOPS]

[SNARLS]

[BURPS]

[♪♪♪]