Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Cover of "Every Man Needs a Woman" by

Paul Revere & The Raiders plays

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- This isn't one of those stories where like

everybody does the right thing.

- The whole thing happened once.

Literally once.

- And here we are still talking about it.

- We met at Coachella.

- So there was this big party.

- I had literally just gotten out of a relationship.

- I was actually there with another girl.

- His ex. - But then I saw her.

- Went to a gig for my friend Doug's new album.

Totally over the top.

- It was one of those sexy, slow motion kind of things

where we looked into each other's eyes

and it was across this sea of drunk people

with flower crowns, and we just clicked.

- End up going home with a random guy

and having the best sex of my life.

In the morning I wake up and I realize it's Sean.

- Me.

- The guy I had just broken up with.

- And we ended up staying until three in the morning,

just talking. - We slept under the stars.

- Drinking. - Dancing.

- Everything just kind of glowing.

- And we spent the whole day boning.

- You know, it's weird.

Sometimes you meet somebody and it's just easy.

- That was three years ago.

- And we've been together ever since.

- She ended up moving to Kansas City two weeks later.

- But we're not one of THOSE couples, you know.

People don't look at us and think

I'll have what they're having.

- We're not perfect.

We haven't figured it out.

- You know, we're grateful. We got lucky.

We had that one perfect night.

Fuck.

Bad day?

yeah, something like that.

- What happened?

- My boyfriend broke up with me.

- Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

- Yeah.

The worst part is that he was sleeping with my best fr-

I'm sure you'll find the right guy.

- It's not about the guy.

- Yeah. Being single sucks.

I feel like I'm just waiting for someone,

but then that one special guy will come along

and everything will be different.

- Yeah, doesn't that seem kind of unrealistic?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, don't you think it's unfair to act like

one person is going to change your life and fix everything?

Well, what are the odds that some guy's

just gonna materialize, right?

He's gonna show up out of nowhere...

- Sorry.

Didn't realize this was the ladies room.

Hey.

- Oh.

- I'm Chris.

- Hey Chris.

- Hey. - Do you know each other?

- No.

- I hope this isn't too forward, but you're beautiful.

You remind me of my mom.

She's dead.

- That's so sweet.

- I like your dress.

- I like your shirt.

- Wow. We have so much in common.

- Okay. I would not say that...

Okay. Wow.

Sorry.

Don't even think about it.

- You're popular.

- Yeah, I really wouldn't fuck with me right now.

- Who's Bryn?

- Don't you need to make ice or something?

- You're feisty.

I like it.

- Just make me a drink.

Oh, that's it.

Do it to me.

Do it, Gary.

- Knock it off! - Oh!

What? - Seriously?

What are you, 12? - No.

But he is.

No, he's not.

- Yes he is.

- No, he's not. They're like at least 16.

- 16?

No way, that kid is still waiting on his balls to drop.

- They're kind of cute.

No.

I'm serious, he wouldn't even let her order her own salad.

- Maybe he knows what she likes.

- Or maybe he's a chauvinistic asshole

leveraging power in an attempt to objectify her

as an homage to his own social privilege.

Did you ever think about that?

- Or maybe he's just being nice,

'cause they're in love and he wants her to be happy.

- Nobody's that happy.

- Some people would disagree.

- Some people can eat a dick.

Okay.

79 and 80.

- Surprise.

- What are you doing here?

- I wanted to stop by and see my girl.

Here.

- What's the occasion?

- Can't a guy treat his girlfriend?

- Yeah, he can but the last time

you were this civil it's because you ran over Mittens.

- That was an accident. - What's with the flowers?

- I'm being romantic.

Forget it.

- No, look, come on. They're pretty, okay?

Thank you.

Do you want to get lunch or something?

- You mind driving?

- Yeah. Sure, um let me just get my charger.

It's in your car.

- Oh, oh. I am, I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

- Busted. Where's your hair thingy?

- Shit.

- Just grab another one.

There's a whole bag in the store room.

- You said we only got one.

- Yeah, because certain employees

were abusing their privileges.

- Those things are foul, okay?

Why can't we just wear name tags like normal people?

- But I thought you guys liked the hair thingies.

- No.

The hair thingies makes me look like Molly Ringwald, okay?

Anyways, I'm sorry.

Can we please talk about my idiot boyfriend?

What is with the romantic shit?

- He's trying.

- I know.

Love ya.

- Later, "Molly."

Yeah, it's super good, too.

No, I know...

- What are we talking about over here?

- Oh, Jude was just telling me about-

- Fascinating.

Did you know he uses the word "penis" during foreplay?

As in "honey, my penis is so hard."

- All right?

- No, I don't think we've been properly introduced.

Jude, this is Jessie.

Jessie, Jude is the guy you've been banging

in the back of a '97 Subaru.

- You think I've been screwing him?

- I don't even know her.

- Fine, then what the fuck is that?

- It's probably yours.

Just because you can't keep track of your shit.

- Oh, it's not mine.

- How do you know? - I just do.

- It doesn't matter whose it is.

- You're taking her side? - Nobody's taking sides.

- No, of course not.

We're just politely listening to two people

exchange their sides of a story

in which one of them fucked my boyfriend.

- You need to calm down.

- Is that what we'd be doing

if somebody took a shit on your love life?

- You don't love him.

- What?

- I said you don't love him. You hardly like him.

- What do you know?

- Everybody knows.

You treat him like shit, you hate his family,

and the only reason why you're with him

in the first place is because he has Amazon Prime.

You don't deserve him.

- And that makes it okay for someone to just take him?

- Nobody took him. - Okay well somebody did.

Somebody- - I didn't take him, Harper.

He just didn't want you.

Harper- - Don't.

We never meant- - Shut up.

You know, you were supposed to be cool,

now it turns out you're just some old slut.

- You're fired. - Good, 'cause I quit.

- Hey. Aren't you forgetting something?

- God, you know, fuck you.

Okay?

And for the record, I hope you give each other HPV.

Yeah.

Hey, sorry I missed your call.

Leave a message and I'll give you a shout as soon as I can.

Thanks.

- Why does this always happen to me?

- There are plenty of fish out there.

- What, like Jude?

I shouldn't have been such a dick to him.

You know, he's a totally nice guy.

He's very nice and...

Nice.

I should probably go home and apologize.

- It sounds like you guys had bad sex.

- What?

No, it was fine.

- Well, there's your problem.

See a better man would leave you begging for it.

I know a guy.

- I'm not looking for a guy.

- Whatever.

Girls like you act all tough,

say you don't care what people think-

- I don't care what people think.

- And how's that working out for you?

- Look, I'm pissed at Bryn, not Jude.

She was my best friend.

I need friends, not some guy to fuck my brains out.

- That sounds like a challenge.

- I'm sorry.

You know, believe it or not, women can be single

and also into you.

- Okay, all right.

So are you doing anything later?

- I am just not interested.

- Oh, come on.

Something tells me we'd have great sex.

- Yeah, and I'm gonna go.

- You're gonna die alone.

Fucking bitch.

- Why is my shit in the yard?

- I'm kicking you out.

- Do you have any idea how selfish you are?

- You should be thanking me.

- For sleeping with my boss?

- For breaking up with you.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- You didn't want to date in the first place.

- That is not true. - But you wouldn't end it

because you didn't want to be the bad guy.

Nothing bad is ever your fault, right?

It's always someone else.

Last guy loved you too much.

But the guy before him was too clingy.

Your mom was never involved., your dad had to go-

- You fucked my best friend. - She was your boss.

- She was my friend. - Well she's not anymore.

I'm sorry.

- Hey, I'm calling about the Johnson property.

Yeah, uh, references?

Yeah, I'm calling about the apartment.

Well, my last landlord was my ex, so...

Oh yeah. I love cats.

Cats are great.

Yeah to be honest, I don't own any handguns,

but I would be open to purchasing one.

Yeah, even if they're...

How many?

No, I'm not saying we didn't have sex.

I'm just saying most of the time it was...

Hello?

Thank you for holding.

Please stay on the line.

Thank you for holding.

Please stay on the line.

- Ow.

Ugh.

- Uh, excuse me.

What are you doing here?

- Pizza.

- What?

- There's pizza in your yard.

- Um...

What happened?

- Um...

Hard to say.

Raccoons these days.

- Uh huh.

Why are you in my yard?

- I heard you're looking for a roommate.

- Here. - Thank you.

Thanks.

- Are you okay? Do you need me to call someone?

- Look, I thought the house was empty, okay?

If you want me to go, I'll just-

Babe.

I'm leaving.

Who's she?

Harper.

- What's she doing here?

I tried to break into your house.

- Cool.

- Is she your...

- Friend.

- Do you have a lot of friends?

- Yeah.

I mean, no. I mean I don't-

- Are they all that hot?

- No. - Are you sure?

- Yes. I have a lot of extremely average looking friends.

- Wow.

That is very evolved of you.

- Thank you?

- So are you going to show me around or...

- Uh, yeah.

Um, well, you've seen the living room.

Two bedroom, one bath, pool, two car garage.

Is this you?

- Yeah. - Hm.

How do you afford this place?

- I know a guy. - Who's that guy?

- My mom.

Washer and dryer are right here.

This is the bathroom.

You'll be in the master.

There's no bathroom, but the-

- What's this? - The closest is massive.

Um, no I- - Oh, God.

I wanna show you the, don't...

- What is this? - Don't touch that, please.

- Oh my God.

- Don't laugh.

- Oh my God. Okay, I'm sorry.

But the fact that you have this photo,

not just kept it but framed it in your house.

- Okay. - You didn't even win.

- People don't usually go through my stuff.

- Oh, maybe you should be more careful

who you let into your house.

Awe.

- I think you should go.

- What? - You should go.

- Okay.

I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

My personality tends to attract assholes,

so I'm not used to...

I'm sorry.

Okay?

And for the record, I think you were an adorable child,

even if you were not cool.

I'm still not cool and I was like a very ugly child, so.

- He sucked.

This kid, he wasn't adorable.

He was just shitty.

- Why?

- Because he was weird and awkward

and everybody hated him.

- Yeah, but I bet he stayed up like all night

working on that...

- Pneumatic defamation sensor? - Yeah, exactly.

I have no idea what that is.

- It's a um, it's a soft air bladder

connected to an electrical pressure sensor

and a microcontroller that offers real-time feedback.

It was cool, I promise.

- Told ya.

- Hey.

What are you doing for dinner?

So what do you do?

Are you a student or- - Graduated.

- Major? - Art history.

- Because?

- Because it was the second thing in the catalog

and I didn't want to be an accountant.

You?

- Uh, business.

I'm a freelance programmer at IndieCorp.

- Mm, sounds pretentious.

- Most people just congratulate my brilliance.

- Is this your way of flirting?

- No. Why, do you have a boyfriend?

- No.

Why, do you?

- Have a boyfriend?

- Yeah, or whatever.

- No, I don't have a boyfriend or whatever.

- And the girl today?

- Just a girl.

- I'm getting very slutty vibes from you.

- What does that mean?

- It means: how many?

- Excuse me? - Women.

How many?

- Why would I tell you that?

- Uh, because you're the kind of guy who wants me to know.

- I'm not at liberty to say. - Fine.

How many girlfriends?

12.

- 12?

- What's wrong with dating?

- What's wrong with being alone?

- Nothing.

It's just the worst thing that could

possibly happen to a person,

and I'd rather it didn't happen to me.

- Oh, but I bet you're fine with marriage.

- Yeah. - And kids,

raising another human.

- Sure. Why not?

- Okay, so what you're saying is you're fine

bringing life into the world,

but you're afraid of eating dinner alone

because that would make you some kind of moral failure?

Mm, you're one of those people.

- What people? - The "love" people.

- What's wrong with that?

- Nothing. Nothing, it's just um, not real.

Okay, you're going to spend the rest of your life

chasing after girls you don't know,

trying to have this big, special thing

that Hollywood duped you into believing

would make you happy when the reality is

love is just attraction,

attraction is just sex, and sex isn't going to make you

happy for more than like six minutes at a time.

So really what's the point?

- First of all, you underestimate me.

- Whatever.

- Second of all, do you seriously believe that?

- Do you seriously believe you're destined

to hang out with one person until you die?

- Yeah.

I do.

- Wow. I guess that makes one of us right.

Let me know when you figure out who it is.

Well thank you for dinner and showing me around.

Um, if you want to just send over that paperwork, I will-

- Take it.

- What?

- The room, it's yours. Take it.

- We didn't talk about money.

- What were you paying at your old place?

- $750, but- - Great, works for me.

- That's super nice, but your parents-

- Look, they don't care.

The roommate thing wasn't even their idea.

- You know how this sounds, right?

Seemingly innocent young man invites beautiful stranger

to spend the night and then-

- Are you waiting for me to gouge your eyes out

and put them in a jar?

- Well, maybe not a jar, but yeah.

- Look, you've seen this place.

It's massive and like super depressing.

In college I always lived with groups of people,

so this just seems sad.

- Yeah, this is where I go back to the jar.

- Just think about it.

- Why me?

- I don't know.

You're loud and weird and have no respect

for other people's property and not to mention

you're totally not my type,

but you're smart and different.

- When can I move in?

I don't even know your name.

it's Jackson.

- Cool.

- See you tomorrow.

Oh um, but do me a favor.

Use the front door this time.

- Uh, we were actually never together.

- Yeah, not TOGEHTER together.

- Right.

I had brought her to my grandmother's

birthday party, actually,

and everybody like just about lost their shit.

My mom kept talking about how precious my little friend was.

- I don't think they got

that we were a couple.

- Yeah, but we weren't actually like dating.

- Oh, we just were hanging out, you know?

- Yeah.

Oh man and you had those, like, those nice cotton sheets.

- Yes.

And we watched Jimmy Fallon

and talked about our favorite music when

we were kids- - Kids, yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- We were good together. - Yeah.

- I guess it's easy to forget about that

when it didn't last and people are so weird.

Like the second things end,

the only thing they remember is you just broke up.

- Yeah.

She was my first love, though.

- Psh, no.

- Yeah. - Stop.

- No, it's true. - You're so lame.

- It's true.

- Okay, I was totally crazy about her.

- Oh, stop it.

I don't know.

And that went on for like eight months?

- Mhm. And then it was over.

- Yeah, just like that. - Just like that.

- Don't even.

- But then a friendship of a lifetime...

- Ah, took it over.

For the best.

- Is that everything?

- Yep.

- Cool guitar.

- Thanks. - You play?

- No.

- Cool.

Well, if you need anything, let me know.

Dude, you are never going to believe what happened.

Oh my God, are you serious?

- It was insane, man. I wish you could've been there.

'Cause Scott got this whole DJ set up

and his parents' backyard is like just mountains.

It was so beautiful.

- Hey. - Hey.

I just wanted to let you know

you're totally welcome to come to the party.

People are swimming, we made some nuggets.

Scott brought a shark balloon which...

Everybody would love to meet you.

- Yeah, uh, maybe later?

- Okay.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were- - No, it's good.

- Still awake.

- Sorry, pardon my reach.

Do you mind if I...

Thank you. - Mhm.

You should come to the party tonight.

- Trust me, I'm not good at that kind of thing.

- Parties? - People.

- I like you.

You're interesting and I think we should be friends.

- I don't do guy friends.

- Why? - It doesn't work.

- Why not? - Why do you think?

Look, this is just temporary, okay?

Anyways, I hardly know you.

- Ask me anything. I'm an open book.

My birthday is October 10th.

I went to a Catholic middle school.

I'm allergic to Pomeranians. - No, you're not.

I could be.

- Goodnight, Jackson.

- Where's the meeting?

- Uh, it's not a meeting. It's an interview.

Server position.

- What restaurant? - Some Italian place.

- What's it called? - I'd have to check.

- Margherita. - Hm?

You know, tomato, basil.

- No, I know what a Margherita is.

- It's my favorite kind of pizza.

- Okay, so?

- So I'm helping you learn things about me

so that we can be friends.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you have to tell me

something about you now.

Come on, anything.

What's your favorite kind of pizza?

- I don't like pizza.

It's too salty.

Anyways, I'm gluten-free.

- No, you're not. - I could be.

- So what's your deal? - You wanna psychoanalyze?

No, I just, tell me something

I wouldn't know about you.

- Um...

I'm an only child. - That's a no brainer.

- What? - No, no, it's good.

It just means you have a certain vibe.

Like I have the little brother vibe.

Meaning you're adorable and everybody loves you?

Meaning I want people to like me.

I want to be the good guy.

Yeah, I uh, I don't give off that vibe.

No, you're just the person who you are.

- Thanks. - No, it's a compliment.

Seriously. I wish I could be more like that.

Um, I wish people liked me, so we're even.

I think it's just my face.

That's true. You have a very likable face.

And judging from the traffic in our bathroom...

- Okay. - I'm assuming you have

other deeply likable qualities.

I don't like kicking them out right after we...

It's the right thing to do.

Just big, massive, hugely likable.

- I hate you. - I know, you nerd.

I hate you, too.

No.

- Yes. - No fucking way.

- Why not?

- Because like 99% of the population

would be a virgin if that were true.

- Sex doesn't count unless you both come.

- It doesn't count? According to what?

- Science.

Let's go to a movie.

- I shouldn't. - Come on, my treat.

- I don't need you to pay for everything.

- If it makes you feel better, you can pay for the popcorn.

- Let me guess.

- Cute Korean from the drive-thru.

- Ugh.

She was cute.

You should invite her over.

- Do you mind if I- - Hey, as long as I

don't have to see it or hear it,

you can do whatever you want.

- Breakfast tomorrow? - You got it.

- Wish me luck.

- Make good choices.

Down, please.

Come on, you guys.

Knock, knock.

- Where's your friend?

She left.

- That bad, huh?

- You wanna go get breakfast?

- It's the middle of the night.

- And I know just the place.

Are we there yet?

- No.

Are we there yet?

- No.

- Remind me again why this was necessary?

- Which part?

- The part where you woke me up at 3:00 AM

for shitty breakfast food halfway across-

- You don't know that it's shitty.

- And what other kinds of breakfast place

is open at 3:00 AM?

- Okay. Ask me again.

Are we there yet?

- Best waffles in town. - No.

No, seriously, they're great.

- No seriously, can we, can we go someplace else?

- Why? - Does it matter?

- Yeah, because I'm starving.

- Jackson, I... - Harper.

Come on, we're already here.

Last one in has to pay.

Jackson.

Jackson!

What do you like here?

Oh gosh, I love everything.

Mostly the customers, though.

- Really?

Thank you so much.

Your name is Jessie? - Yeah, it's Jessie.

- Awesome, great to meet you.

- Yeah, it's good to meet you, too.

Yeah, it was, it was really good to you.

- It's really nice to meet you.

Ugh, really?

- What? I wasn't.

- You totally were.

I'm not hungry.

- You have to get something.

I'm telling you, the Belgium waffles here-

- God, don't look over there.

- Where? - Shh.

- Do you know that guy?

- No. Yeah.

Yes I do.

- He's looking at you. - Don't look back.

- He's coming over here. - Stop looking at him.

- I think he's- - Harper?

- Hello.

- I was just, well I saw you and I thought

you're eating breakfast.

- Yeah.

- What are the odds, right?

- Comically low.

- Be right back. - No, stay.

- I don't want to intrude. - Oh, you're really not.

- He really is.

- Look, if you want to say something,

why don't you just say it?

- I want to apologize for kicking you out.

That wasn't cool. - Yeah, some people

might describe it as the exact opposite of cool.

- I just want you to know... - I do not care-

- If you wanted to be friends...

- We're not friends.

- Bryn misses you. - I don't care.

- I just think that maybe-

- I don't want to be your fucking friend, okay?

Just leave me alone.

- You all right?

- No.

Why'd he kick you out?

- Because he was fucking someone else.

No, look, it sounds bad when you say it like that,

but, things had been weird for a long time.

I don't even know why we were dating in the first place.

I think I just liked how much he liked me.

I do that sometimes.

Is that normal?

I mean, what does it say about you

if the only thing that you find attractive

in other people is that they're attracted to you?

- I don't know.

Wah-wah.

- Come on.

You're so fuckin' stupid, do you know that?

I like hanging out with you.

- Me, too.

- Thanks for making us be friends.

It's really nice to have a guy

who's not angling for anything, you know?

- Totally.

not like the movies

moment that's mine

- No, I'm gonna throw up. - No!

- No.

No!

I say nay!

- Why?

- Because I'm sensitive.

- Okay, two part vodka, one part.

Oh wait no.

Wait, so two parts...

Hm.

Quiz me.

- What?

Oh um...

John Collins.

- Um, three part gin, two part lemon,

one part sugar, four parts soda.

- How about a...

Hanky panky?

Um, one part gin,

one part for vermouth, dash of bitters.

You're golden.

- Oh, I know.

Before you know it you'll have a certified bartender

and food service personnel all under one roof.

- Doesn't dairy make you phlegmy?

- Fuck off.

- I'm just saying, nobody wants a waitress-

Slash bartender.

- Nobody wants to waitress slash bartender with TB.

- Fine.

Are you happy?

- Ecstatic. - Good.

I'll see you later.

- Hey Harper? - Mhm?

- You look nice.

- Okay.

- Paul is my man.

- We met in Ms. Dillon's third grade class.

- Back row. - Yeah.

Well, as soon as I saw his Spiderman lunchbox,

I knew I found my guy.

- It's all about looking out for each other.

Making sure you have your buddy's back,

'cause shit goes down.

Work.

- Kids.

- Girlfriends.

- Girlfriends with kids.

- Yeah. It's cool to have somebody there.

- Yeah. He's like my guy.

Um, well, not that I haven't had girlfriends,

like dating and shit, but it's different.

- Yeah, no, he gets it and he gets me.

- Yeah.

- Everyone should have someone like this.

- Yeah. Someone you can be real with.

Someone who you can get down with

and say hey, I love you, man.

- I love you, too.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Who needs a chick when you got this?

Hey, sorry I missed your call.

Leave a message-

- I need help.

I think I'm dying.

- Have you been like this all day?

Jesus.

Here, ahh.

You're so hot.

- Thanks.

- No, I mean...

Why didn't you say anything?

- I didn't want to bother you.

- Why don't you go hop in the shower?

- Why are you being so nice to me?

- Just go get in the shower.

- Jackson?

- Sorry, I, here. - Thanks.

It's warm.

- Dryer.

- You didn't have to- - I know.

I'm not gonna bite you.

- That's...

Not what I was thinking.

- I'm cold.

- I don't think we should- - Please?

That feels nice.

- What are you thinking?

- Nothing.

Just feelings.

- What kind of feelings?

- They're stupid.

Try me.

- I don't know, just feelings.

About moms.

Yours sounds so nice.

Right? I bet she does all this stuff when you're sick.

She changes the sheets.

- My family is not exactly what you'd call involved.

- I was an accident.

That's what my mom tells people.

At parties.

Like I was the kid they never wanted in the first place.

- That's messed up.

It's okay.

That's how she is.

- And your dad?

- Kind.

Really kind.

You're a good friend.

- Sorry.

I've just...

Wanted that for a long time.

- What?

- You.

- Oh.

- Is that a new shirt? - Hm?

Uh, yeah.

- I like it. You look great.

- Thank you.

- Oh, you're so tight.

- You know I'm actually, I'm just gonna go, um,

just lie down.

- Okay, do you wanna watch a movie or-

- No, I'm good.

I'm just, I'm just gonna go sleep, uh, alone.

I have to tell him, don't I?

Brad, seriously.

We can't just be friends.

I don't want it.

- Last slice.

- Oh, it's yours.

- Hey Harper? - Mhm?

- Is everything okay, um, with us?

- Yeah.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, ya nerd.

Everything's fine.

Okay? Now Shut up and eat your weird foot pizza.

- Okay.

I have a surprise for you.

- I hate surprises.

- I know.

Come on.

Okay, wait.

And, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay.

Open your eyes.

Ta-da.

That bad, huh?

- No, it's...

It's beautiful.

- Total overkill, right?

- No, God, Jackson, it's...

It's perfect.

You did all this for me?

- I felt bad about the other night.

I know it was unexpected,

and I think I freaked you out and I'm sorry.

I know I can be kind of a, you know.

- A ho.

- Right.

I can be kind of a ho,

but you're not like any of those other girls.

You're not like anyone at all.

I think I'm in love with you.

And I know that it's only been a few months

and that you don't believe in love or feelings or whatever,

but I'm crazy about you.

You're one of my best friends and I love you,

and I just needed you to know that.

So now you know.

Please say something.

I'm sorry.

This is weird.

Shit, I'm sorry.

Maybe we shouldn't be friends.

I just don't know if we can, if,

if there's going to be this, this, this-

I love you so fucking much.

How was that?

- Great.

- Good.

- Uh, sometimes it's just like easier, you know,

to go along with things.

Like if a guy's like, like if a guy asked for your number,

you know, it's gosh, maybe he's not so cute,

and maybe he's not so funny, but he has his phone out,

and he's just like, gosh, he's like,

I just want to hang out, you know?

I'd love to grab a drink sometime,

and you just don't want to be a dick,

so you give him your number, you know?

Your actual number.

I've never actually given a guy a fake number before.

I've never...

I don't think he's going to like come back

and punch me or something.

I think it's just, maybe I can't come up with a fake one,

but I just put it in.

It's just easier to be nice.

Really, it is.

That is so what my mom would say, you know?

Be nice.

Pretend for his sake.

I mean, at the end of the day, it's like,

what's the worst thing that could happen, right?

- Well, sometimes you just have to take

what you can get. - That's terrible.

- Well it's true.

I mean, when I got out of school, I worked what?

50 hours a week and didn't sleep for two years.

It sucked, but sometimes that's just what you have to do.

- Preach.

- What about you Harper?

How's your gig? You still bartending?

- Yeah. No it's great.

Second month is definitely easier than the first.

- Plus we're drinking twice as much for half as cheap,

so really it's a win-win.

- Don't talk like that around mom.

You so much as offer her a mimosa

and she's gonna be going on about your drinking problem.

- Him?

He can hardly finish a beer.

- Right.

Um, but there was this one time...

- I was 16.

- He got drunk at a Christmas party.

It was when-

- And he puked mulled wine all over the porch.

- Martha got pissed because it left

this huge stain in the wood.

- You were there?

- Oh yeah.

Dev and I have been on and off together since high school.

She's the unofficial favorite child.

Yeah. - Oh uh, here.

Look.

- Wow.

Bold choice.

You guys were adorable.

- Yeah, we really were. - Ah, we kinda still are.

Uh...

Should've seen Jackson's prom pics.

What a dork.

I guess mom's cotillion lessons never paid off.

Oh my God, you have to tell them about what happened

when we were on our way to prom.

- You okay?

- I'm fine.

- You sister seems cool.

- She can be kind of a handful.

- Family is hard.

Let's do something fun.

- What do you think? Blueberry or original?

- Whatever you want.

- This.

So you got any plans for the weekend?

- Probably not.

- Cool.

I was thinking we could have a party.

Introduce you to some of my friends.

- Okay.

- Devon will drop by.

Maybe my parents.

- Your parents?

- Yeah. They're in town for a few days.

- You're inviting your parents to a house party?

- Is that a problem?

- No, I just don't understand why

you'd invite them to our party.

- I want them to meet you.

- Oh.

- They're gonna love you.

- Your parents?

- Everybody.

I got it. - No, I really, I can-

- Let me.

You're amazing.

Wow, great fucking job.

I would clap, but you know, the wings.

And it's, it's the rubber thing.

Don't look at me like that.

You're the one who doesn't know how to pick men.

You were totally using that guy

and you won't be real with yourself,

you won't be real with us.

Like just tell him, you know?

I'm usin-

- You look great.

- So do you.

- We're pretty cute.

You ready? - Let's do it.

- Hey, you made it.

- You think I'd miss a chance to get free booze

from my little brother?

- Whoa, who said anything about free?

Are mom and dad here?

- Yeah, kitchen.

- You want a drink? - Um, you know...

- So you ready to meet the parents?

- Um, well, I mean, I do drink, swear,

and support the gays, so hopefully that doesn't

cause a rift in your family?

- No. Our mom's gonna love you.

- 'Cause of the gays?

- 'Cause you're at least twice as smart as the last one,

and he actually had the balls

to tell us you were dating.

- Dating?

- I swear, Jackson can't keep a secret to save his life.

- When did he say that? - Oh my god, you look so good.

- Thank you. - Girlfriend material.

Oh, have you met the parents? - Uh, no actually.

This is Harper.

- Such a pleasure.

- We have heard so much about you.

- And we are so glad to see Jackson

this happy with someone who's worth his time.

- Has he told you about the cruise?

- The cruise?

- Next summer.

- Bermuda.

- Oh, it's supposed to be gorgeous.

- And let me tell you, those tickets? Not cheap.

- Oh my God. I couldn't possibly-

- Oh nonsense. It's our treat.

- You should come.

- Devvy's bringing Bonnie,

and you can think of it as a romantic getaway.

- So you'll come?

- Um, I...

- Wonderful.

- Oh, and Christmas.

- Oh, the Alps.

Stunning this time of year.

- I think what they're trying to say is

we're just really happy to have you as part of our family.

- Wow.

Uh, well thank you for considering me.

Um, would you excuse me for just a minute?

- It's like a heroin addict

can ask about their family, but Chelsea was like no-

- Can I, can I borrow him for a second?

- Can it wait? I was in the middle-

- It'll totally just take one second.

- Hey.

Everything okay?

- What's the deal with this party?

What do you mean?

- I mean what the hell is going on?

We mess around for a few weeks and now your parents

are booking me into the family calendar?

Why does your sister think that we're dating?

- Why are you so upset?

- I'm not upset.

I just don't understand why you're

parading me around like this.

- I'm showing off my awesome girlfriend.

Is that a crime?

- No, it's not.

- Do you care about me? - Of course, yes.

- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.

You're my best friend.

Okay.

You know that.

Why do you have to be so insecure?

- Insecure? - Yes, insecure.

- You think I'm insecure?

- You are the textbook definition of insecure.

Okay, you're like the fucking insecure poster child.

You can't go more than five minutes without validation

from a vagina or you shrivel up and die.

It's exhausting.

- I'm sorry my friendship is such a burden.

- No, this is not about our friendship, okay?

Our friendship is great, but this?

Whatever you're doing right now, this is pissing me off.

- So you're saying I'm the problem?

- No. - The problem is that

I want you in my life- - No, I'm not saying that.

- But I'm so insecure that- - No!

- I'm this asshole who wants to have a future-

- You're blowing this way out of proportion.

- With the person I'm in love with.

- Jesus, Jackson, we are not in love.

- I know you don't believe in it or whatever.

- No, there is no but.

I don't love you, Jackson,

and I'm not your girlfriend and we're not together

and we're never going to get married

or vacation in fucking Bermuda, okay?

Hey, uh, where do you want me to put these?

Jackson?

Jackson?

Are you just gonna ignore me now or?

I do still care about you, you know.

Even if it's not in the way you'd like,

you're still important.

- Is that it?

- Is that what?

- Is there anything else you want to say?

Maybe, I don't know, I'm sorry for starters?

- I'm sorry I ruined your party.

- Fuck you.

- Excuse me?

What is it you think I did exactly?

- Aside from being a colossal bitch?

How about you lied to my face, Harper?

You acted like we were a couple

with all of the kissing and the cuddling and the sex.

Why didn't you tell me what was going on?

- I tried.

- When?

- I don't know. I didn't know how.

It just happened and that it kept happening

and I wanted to say something

but you seemed happy and I didn't wanna ruin it.

- Right, it's not like you were getting

anything out of the situation.

- I never wanted anything.

- Really?

What about the room and the rent?

What about the movie tickets?

- I never asked you for any of that.

- But you knew I was in love with you.

- And you knew that I wasn't.

Did that even matter?

All that time on top of me,

did you ever ask if it was okay?

- Really?

That's not fair.

- Nothing about this is fair, Jackson.

The whole thing sucks. Okay?

I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings,

but I don't owe you anything.

- Just three months of my life back.

- I'm sorry I wasted your time.

I'm sorry you spent all that money on a girl

who didn't want to babysit 24/7, but you know what?

It's okay, because this means I was right.

Men and women can't be friends,

but it's not because sex ruins friendship,

it's because men aren't interested

in friends they can't fuck.

Hey there, looks like I missed your call.

Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

- Hey dad, it's me.

I know you won't call me back.

Mom thinks I'm an idiot for even keeping the line open.

Uh, um...

I guess I just needed to talk to someone

and most people would phone a friend except

I don't really have any of those.

And the one person I had,

I just wanted him to be happy, dad.

We were so good together at the laundry and dishes

and breakfast and it was easy and perfect.

Seriously, we were perfect, and that should count, right?

I shouldn't have to be with him for it to matter.

But then we're in bed and I can feel him needing that,

expecting me to play that, to make it easy,

to love him back, which should be fine, right?

I could just fuck him. It doesn't have to matter.

And then it was too late,

and I didn't know what else to say.

Because even if I didn't like it,

I started it and I ever said no.

I never said anything.

And now it's over and he's gone and he hates me.

He was my best friend and he hates me.

I know I said at the funeral that I didn't believe in God

or whatever but if you know anybody up there

that you think could help me out, that would be really cool.

I'd just like to be wrong about something for once.

Anyways, I love you.

I wish you were here.

- What do you want?

- Can I buy you a coffee?

- So that was it? You just got up and left?

He told you he loved you?

- Yeah.

- Do you?

- No, I...

I don't know.

Anyways, you know, I don't believe in that stuff.

- It's not about believing in anything

- What am I supposed to do?

- If you wanna have decent people in your life

you have to believe that people are capable of being decent.

It's okay to expect things.

- Like what? - Like connection.

- What if I don't want that? - Everybody wants that.

- Well, what if I don't? - Come on, Harper.

Being happy doesn't make you an idiot.

Maybe that kind of love is bullshit,

but most love isn't like that.

It's stupid and weird and inconsistent

and maybe it doesn't make you together, but...

He loves you.

- I should go.

- I really am sorry.

- I know.

Say hi to him for me.

- We actually aren't together.

I don't know that we ever were,

but whatever it was it was good, you know?

- Yeah.

Bryn?

I'm not your kid, you know.

- Sure you are. You're my rent-a-child.

Now get out of here.

- You're such a freak.

- Don't you have somewhere to be?

Like a big, romantic gesture or some shit?

- Hey.

Harper.

- How's your night going?

- Fantastic.

- Will these be together or separate?

Separate.

- Cute shirt.

- It's mine.

- Yeah, he gave it to me right after he called me a bitch

because I wouldn't fuck him.

Can I have my candy, please?

- Sorry, I owe you.

Harper.

Harper.

Are you gonna stay pissed at me?

I thought we were friends.

- Yeah, well you said you didn't want to be my friend.

- Well, I lied. - Whatever.

- I'm sorry. Okay?

I'm sorry.

I was just...

Hurt.

I mean it sucks when the person that you're

sleeping with tramples your heart into a million pieces.

I'm sorry I was an asshole to you.

- Yeah, me too.

- Truce?

- Truce.

What are you doing?

- I thought we were good.

- Did you not listen to a single thing I said at the party?

- You just apologized for that.

- Yeah, for being an asshole, okay?

I apologized for hurting your feelings,

not for not being your dream girl.

God, what the hell is wrong with you?

- I just want...

What is wrong with me?

- Nothing.

You're sweet and funny and-

- I swear to God if you say nice.

- You are nice. - I don't wanna be nice.

I don't want to be interchangeable

with all the other nice guys who are too boring to...

- To what?

- To love you.

- You're not boring.

- What am I?

- You're...

You're my friend.

- I don't get it.

You like me, right?

I mean couldn't we just- - Look, it would be easier

for everyone if we could just like make out

and call it a day.

Okay, trust me, I get it.

But I don't feel that way.

And it's horrible, and I'm sorry.

But that's how I feel.

- Okay.

- I'm so sorry, I...

- It's all right.

- Jackson.

Come on, don't do that.

Jackson.

Come back here.

Jackson.

Jackson!

- Shit!

What the fuck, Harper?

- You are not a nice guy Jackson Summers.

- Get off me. - Shut up!

You're not some random guy I moved in with, okay?

You're not a rebound or a fuck boy or a drinking buddy.

- Look, you don't have to pretend-

- Shut the fuck up and listen to me.

- I get it, you're trying to be nice.

- I am not, I am not trying to be anything.

I know what you're gonna say.

- I fucking love you.

- What?

- I said "I love you," you asshole.

And if I could be in love with anyone, it would be you.

But I'm not. And I'm sorry.

But please, please don't take my best friend away from me.

- Do you know how hard this is?

- What?

- Being in love with you.

- No.

It sounds terrible.

- It's pretty bad. - I'm sorry.

- I know. - I wish...

- I know.

Fuck.

- Love is weird.

- Love blows.

- No.

I bet it's pretty good.

I hope I get to love somebody as shitty as me.

- You will.

- Do you promise?

- I promise.

It's a terrible story when you think about it.

Oh it's so boring.

- No blood. - No guns.

No vengeful robots or killer sex mutants.

- Well, and I guess a lot of people

just aren't going to get it or like it,

'cause it's not how these things are supposed to go, right?

And after all, like how do two people love each other

this much and fuck it up that bad?

- Um...

You can only say I'm sorry so many times,

but I really am sorry for making you feel

so trapped or obligated.

- It's okay.

- I just- - It's really okay.

And I guess at the end, I, I do think that

it's a happy story about us.

- Yeah, how we were always going to be

better friends than anything else.

- It was about growing up. - Having space.

- It was about waffles.

- Yeah, and it was a love story or something.

- Yeah, or something.

not like the movies

not like the movies