All language subtitles for Hercules The Legendary Journeys S05E09 - For Those of You Just Joining Us

Everybody, run! Get out of here!

Time for a new plan.

What do ya got?

I got a good one. What?

Run like Tartarus. Yeah.

Let me get this
straight, Tapert.

Hercules versus a chicken?

You know, that's not
fair. It was a giant chicken.

You're the executive
producer of this show.

This is your idea of quality
programming? Come on, B.S.

You know me better than that.
I've never cared about quality.

You don't have to tell me
twice. I saw last season.

First, you turn Hercules
into a pig. Now this.

- What's your thing
with animals anyway, huh?
- Why? What have you heard?

This is your last chance, buddy.

I want action. I want romance. I
wanna see Salmonius on more episodes,

and I want the stories on my
desk by the end of the week,

or you're gonna be in a theme park selling
cotton candy dressed as Woody Woodpecker.

Now get out of here
before I throw you out.

Ho-ho-ho, spinach chin.

I'd like to see you try.

Whoa!

Melissa, turn on
the lights, will ya?

Anything broken?
I don't think so.

Damn! Hollinsfoffer wants a bunch
of new story ideas by end of week,

or it's fade out on me.
What's the bad news?

Melissa, rally the troops.

I'm declaring a
state of emergency.

Oh, my God. It's Kevin Sorbo.

Oh! Oh! Mama! Mama!

Oh, the humanity.

So, how's about an autograph
for your dear old brother?

Why don't you write to the studio, Ares?
I'm sure they'll be happy to send you one.

Oh, yeah. Baywatch, B.C.

Seems your loyal staff found
themselves in something of a crunch.

If they don't deliver by tomorrow,
Hollinsfoffer will drop the ax.

He's the head of the
studio. What does he know?

What about those cheesy
blue-screen effects? They look so fake.

Ares, what do you want?

- Merchandising rights.
- Get in line.

I deserve some compensation for
the weekly slander I have to endure.

After 5,000 years, nothing has
changed, Ares. You're still a whiner.

And you are still living a lie.

It's only a matter of time
before people find out that...

"Kevin Sorbo" is the real myth.

Hey, would you look at that?

What? This is where you get out.

You son of a... You should
always wear your seat belt.

Jerry! Thank God you're here.

Look. Don't touch.

I just got a call.

They told us to pack our bags.
They're shipping us out, aren't they?

Why, Jerry, why?

Because we've all gotta learn
to work together, that's why.

To be creative in a crunch.
To boost overall morale.

By the way, Paul,
your last script sucked.

I'll change my ways. I promise.
I'll only drink when I'm awake.

I'll tip all the showgirls.
Snap out of it, man!

We've all gotta do a lot better than
that if we're gonna save this show.

So I've taken the liberty
of hiring professional help.

It's about time.

All aboard.

Clear your calendars, crew.

We're going on a
corporate retreat.

Uh...

This is the story
of a time long ago,

a time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods
were petty and cruel,

and they plagued
mankind with suffering.

Only one man dared to
challenge their power...

Hercules.

Hercules possessed a strength
the world had never seen,

a strength surpassed only
by the power of his heart.

He journeyed the earth, battling the
minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful
queen of the gods.

But wherever there was evil,

wherever an
innocent would suffer,

there would be... Hercules.

Hail!

Gee, Rob, you spared no expense.

Oh, no.

You really didn't.

Whoa. I'm allergic to bees.

If I get stung, I'm gonna
swell up like a hog.

I'll be glad to put you
down before it comes to that.

No time like the present,
Jerry, that's what I always say.

Well, howdy y'all, y'all.
Welcome to Camp Wannachuck,

where every day
you'll see a sunny day.

'Cause that's my
name, Sunny Day.

- Pray for rain.
- Now, right behind you...

is my lovely assistant,
Norma Bates.

Hey, girl!

- Ew.
- Now here on the homestead,

we'll be combining corporate
reengineering techniques...

with ancient Navajo rituals...

to enhance the efficiency of
your overall group dynamic.

Now, can you say "Navajo?"

Navajo! Navajo.

Well, bravo-ho.

Except for you, Mr. Mustache.
Let's get those pipes a-chiming.

Eeny, meeny, - miney, die.

For God's sakes, Jerry, what are
you doing? He signs all our checks!

- I'll save you the hand.
- Go for it, muscle sprout.

It'll save me the torture of having to
read another one of your crappy scripts!

I'll split you like
a chicken, boy.

That is a Camp
Wannachuck time-out.

Now, I can see we've got a long
and winding road ahead of us.

So let's get to work, shall we?

Now, this is the Camp
Wannachuck trust exercise.

Mr. Tapert, a good leader has
to learn to trust his employees.

After all, you can't
do everything yourself.

- He can't do anything himself.
- Oh.

Now, Mr. T. here is
gonna fall off this table,

and y'all are gonna catch him in your
arms to keep him from breaking his ass.

- What?
- Don't be nervous, Mr. T.

Your staff loves you.

Okay, Sunny Day.
But don't forget... if

this doesn't work, the
check hasn't cleared.

Come on, Rob. Come on.

Come on.

- Come on.
- We're here for ya.

Come to Mama.

- Whoopsy daisy.
- Rob! Rob!

Are you okay, buddy?

Come on. Speak to me, Rob. We hate to
lose you, buddy. Come on. There you go.

- Is he dead?
- Don't tease me.

Three cheers for
Camp Wannachuck.

- Hooray!
- Good. We can go now.

I got it!

I know how we're
gonna start the season.

We're gonna kill Herc's
little buddy, Iolaus.

How original. Huh?

We've only killed him twice
already. But this time it'll be for good.

We'll kill him in such a
way that he'll never recover,

like... like...
spontaneous combustion.

Friends forever. Right, Herc?

Or... Or get this.

Friends forever. Right, Herc?

Or we'll just kill him the
old-fashioned Acme way.

Friends forever. Right, Herc?

Just one of those days.

Kill Iolaus? Is
that a good idea?

No, Paul, it's not a good idea.

It's a brilliant idea!

So unless anybody has
any further objections...

Well, now that you
mention it. Ten-hut!

Kevin Sorbo. Hey,
sorry I'm late, folks.

Oh, Kevin.

They're gonna... k-kill Iolaus.

But Iolaus lived to be
a hundred years old.

Uh, what the hell you
talking about, Sorborino?

Uh, never mind.

Look, if you're gonna
kill Iolaus... again,

let him die like
the hero he was.

Is. You know, I
mean, on the show.

What if Hercules was needed
beyond the shores of Greece?

You know, someplace he's
never been before, like Sumeria.

I've sent for a man
across the seas.

Perhaps with his help, we
can restore our homeland...

to its former glory.

It is an honor to have
you here, Hercules.

The honor is mine,
King Gilgamesh.

The nectar flows
from this chalice.

But it was hidden by the gods
in the middle of the pyramid...

protected by a series of trials.

- Only those with the blood
of a god can reach it.
- What are we waiting for?

Let's grab some of that
nectar and get out of here.

After you, my friend.

Now Hercules has never
been betrayed before.

What if Gilgamesh
were the first?

None left for the gods.

What a pity.

Soon, the world will tremble...

with the arrival of Dahak.

All he needs is the sacrifice...

of a warrior heart.

Nebula!

No!

Iolaus!

Hang in there, buddy.

I can't. Sure you can.

Come on.

Hercules.

But what do I know?
I'm just an actor.

An actor with vision!

Everybody, give it up
for the big Sorbowsky.

I think I got
something in my eye.

Now, you see? This
is the kind of emotional

outpouring that'll bring
y'all closer together...

and land your little empire
a top spot in the Forbes 500.

Did I hear a tummy rumbling?

Who's ready for lunch?

Well, all right.

Kevin, how'd you like to
wrestle Xena on pay-per-view?

Uh, I'll get back
to you on that.

Say, Melissa.

You know I'm an
organ donor? Really?

Yeah. Need anything?

You know, Paul, having a conversation
with you is like being in a coma...

without the advantages.

Uh-huh. So, is that a yes?

Lunch is served.

Mm-mm! Smells just like Mama
used to make. My condolences.

Thanks. Pass that
down here. I'm starving.

Chow down, gang.

I'm so hungry, I
could eat a Hydra.

Oops.

Uh, sorry. My fault.

Kevin Sorbo, I would like to
shake your hand, sir. Why?

Did y'all see how Kevin here
took responsibility for his mistake?

He wasn't afraid to step forward
and admit "I am a screwup!"

Thanks, I think. A
true sign of character...

is knowing when to say,
"The buck stops here."

Which one of our
illustrious presidents...

had that very motto on his desk?

I know it. I know it!

Our 33rd president, and a great
American, Mr. Harry S. Truman! Hoo-yah!

I think they dropped the
bomb in the wrong place.

Well, gang, it's
time to move on.

Time for our next
corporate conundrum.

Now, folks, this is what
we call a sweat lodge.

It's a traditional
Navajo ritual...

designed to put you in touch...

with the underlying orgone
energy that permeates the universe.

What the hell is she
talking about, Sorbosaurus?

Getting in touch with our spiritual
sides. Is that gonna cost me extra?

Well, I'm just gonna skedaddle.

Leave your creative juices
to start flowing. Norma.

Now I wouldn't stay in here too long
or your brains will fry like little eggies.

I thinks she speaks
from experience.

I gotta get out of here! I
get a rash in small spaces.

I... I can't breathe!

I need mouth-to-mouth.

Well, I thought I'd seen it all.

Nothing compares to
the horror of seeing Paul...

in his skivvies.

How about Yanni
live at the Acropolis?

I stand corrected.

God knows I'm not paid enough
to give you people story ideas, but...

how 'bout we do a show
on Hercules's spiritual side?

Say, Melissa,
that's not a bad idea.

I got just the thing.

Picture this.

Good afternoon. Would
you care to make a donation...

to the Church of Soul and
Consciousness? Get lost!

Huh? Huh?

I don't mean to interrupt, but you're
overlooking the inherent contradiction...

of taking a character
on a spiritual journey...

when his very identity is
predicated on a conflict with the gods.

Of course, I'm
presupposing that spirituality

is unique to
personifiable deities.

And I'm not sure that's a
message we wanna send.

Hmm.

Never mind. Look.

For Hercules, losing Iolaus
is like losing a part of himself.

He can't just go on
like nothing happened.

I mean, he'd have to question
everything that he... ever believed in.

You are the Chosen One.

The Druid priests have called you
here to lead us to freedom! Come with us.

Rest. You'll need your strength.

My strength is useless.

And you can't win a fight if
you don't believe in yourself.

Especially against
another half-god.

I want the Druids.

You can keep your Chosen One.

And you know, sometimes help
can come in a form you least expect.

How can someone who
champions mankind...

with all its flaws be so
unforgiving of himself?

Because my mistakes kill people.

Stay with me and I can help
you find the path you're looking for.

What if this Druid, Maybon,
were to help Hercules...

see things in a whole new way?

The blood of a god
flows through your veins,

but your true strength
comes from your heart.

You must learn to
listen to your heart again.

If you can slow its rhythm, it will
sustain you when you need it most,

even under the water.

And Hercules can use these new
skills he's learned to defeat Morrigan.

If Morrigan dies, the spirit
of Justice dies with her.

Now Hercules is going to
have to protect his enemy,

which sets up a great
conflict for the next episode.

But what do I know?
I'm just an actor.

An actor with guts!

Score another one
for El Sorbo Loco, huh.

Give it up!

Oh, hey, hey. Thank
you, everybody.

Thank you. What happened?

What happened? I'll
tell you what happened.

Sorbo the Greek here's coming
up with all the great story ideas...

while you two
so-called writers...

are sitting there cooking like
a couple of ballpark wieners.

What the hell you
trying to say, Tapert?

What's the matter, Jerry?
Lose your hillbilly decoder ring?

Let me spell it out for you. You stink
out loud! You couldn't write a check.

Go, Jerry, go!

Time to throw a Rob on
the barbie! Hey! No! Kevin!

Kevin! Guys, guys, come on.

We came to this retreat to
learn how to work together.

Besides, Jerry and Paul have
written some of our best scripts.

Yeah? Like what?

I can't think of any offhand,
but I'm sure they're out there.

- I appreciate that, Sorbo.
- Yeah.

I love you, man.

Thanks.

Okay.

Kevin's right. We should be
thinking about our next show.

Greece is for morons.

Hercules does
Ireland. Now that's chic.

Ireland? Hey, hey, now
you're talking my lingo.

What about this?

What a beautiful Irish spring.

Where's me Lucky Charms?
I'm magically delicious.

Sometimes I'm so
brilliant, it's frightening.

Well, you got it half right.

Hey, you know, it
could be like Braveheart.

Without the Oscars.

I swear, there ain't nothin'
like an old-fashioned war story...

to keep the American
public glued to the tube.

Well, it can't only
be a war story.

Hercules has just made it
through the hardest time in his life.

But he didn't do it alone.

Now he should return the favor
to someone who needs him.

Something I can do for you
gentlemen? We've come for Morrigan.

The council has decreed
she's to be executed.

I won't let you do that.
She's one of the Druids now.

They chose her to be
the Guardian of Justice.

Of course, Herc and Morrigan
aren't going to get along right away.

Drink this.

So, you don't like tea.

Tidying me up for a
proper execution, are you?

Not that you'd notice,
but I'm saving your life.

Don't make the mistake of thinking
there's good in everybody, Hercules.

If anything, the
opposite's true.

Even the best man's
got a touch of evil in him,

and it's just waiting for
the right time to show itself.

But what if Morrigan weren't
as bad as she claimed to be?

What if she were under
someone else's control?

How could you let the
Druids do this to me?

You let your feelings
get the better of you.

Just like a mortal. I warn you.

Don't let your emotion lead you
astray. You won't like the consequences.

But Hercules could
suspect something more.

- You're lovers, aren't you?
- That ended a long time ago.

Then why does he still
have such a hold on you?

I have to obey him.

- I don't.
- You can never
come between us.

We share a bond
even you cannot break.

Let me introduce you to her.

This is Brigid.

She's our daughter.

And you know how Hercules
gets when kids are in danger.

- You'd kill your own child?
- I can always have more.

Not if I can help it.

Your rage is like
none I've ever seen.

Join me, and we
can divide the world.

- I've got a better idea.
- Hercules, no!

Ya can't just kill him in
cold blood, you know that.

Hercules.

Is this what you really want?

You're lucky she's here.

Free from Cernunnus, Morrigan
can finally become the person...

she's always wanted to be.

Ah, it's beautiful, sweetie.

It's just beautiful.

Come here.

But what do I know?
I'm just an actor.

An actor with courage!

Come on, gang. It's
Sorbopotamus: 3; Renaissance: 0.

We don't deserve to be
sweating in this man's company.

Yeah. Speaking of which,
if I sit here another second,

my towel's gonna
start melting off.

Guys, you better go on
ahead and we'll catch up later.

Oh, my God! What was that?

Now we can start to sweat.

Well, I suppose after enough time
with you people, death was inevitable.

Let me just say it's been a
real detriment knowing you all.

I couldn't have said
it better my own self.

Melissa, you know,

before I go, there's
something I'd like to, well...

I'd just like to play one round of
naked leapfrog with you, please.

- Hey, look, everyone. It's Mel Torme!
- Where?

- Mel?
- Where?
- Mel Torme?

Wow. The door just
fell off all by itself.

All right, everybody,
let's vamoose.

We'll exit in order
of descending salary.

Of course, Kevin,
that would be you first.

I can't believe that
somebody's trying to kill us.

If this keeps up, I may not be

able to keep my identity
a secret much longer.

How could those
bastards cancel Ellen?

But Oswald couldn't have gotten
off three shots in under five seconds...

with that Italian
bolt-action rifle.

Rockets' red glare ♪

♪ Bombs burstin' in air ♪

That's it! I can't
stand it anymore!

There's something really
funny going on around here.

- In this episode there isn't.
- Paul's right. We should hit the road.

All right. Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa. "Momentito," Sorborito.

I paid a lot of money for this little
shindig, so we're gonna stay here,

even if it kills us.

Norma, honey,
you know the rules.

In the closet by
sundown. Now, get.

Go on. Get, get, get.

Sorry, folks.

I'm afraid she just hasn't been the
same since Ginger Spice left the group.

Dear God in
heaven, say it ain't so!

I thought that I would just come
around and offer up a little...

attaboy for a super
successful first day.

And as a little reward, I've
brought you all a plate of s'mores.

Why don't you just inject
cellulite into my butt?

Hey, no, no. Nobody
gets any s'mores.

We got a season to finish here.

Otherwise, it's
ixnay ercules-Hey.

- What?
- Come on, Sorborelli. You know the drill.

We lie here like a bunch of White
House interns while you stick it to us.

Come on. Spit it out.

Well, if you think about it, Hercules
has always fought against the gods...

because they only
care about themselves.

What if he met a god
who was different?

My name's Balder.
This is my brother, Thor.

- And to take a hit like that,
you must be a god too.
- You are?

This is Hercules.
My brother, Loki. Hi.

But as we know, goodness is always
a target for the forces of darkness.

What do I do with this?

With this, you'll kill a god.

Thor wanted to put
my fears to rest. He has.

I've been haunted
by empty fantasies.

See for yourself.
Try to strike me dead.

How about this?

You sure this is what you want?

There. Satisfied?

- Thor.
- Balder!

What happened to him? He's dead.

You killed him.

Now to get even with Loki, Hercules
is gonna have to go through Thor.

Loki killed your brother. Liar!

But Herc's about to discover that
destiny's been forcing his hand...

since the moment he arrived.

Somehow this paint affects
fate. You only paint what you see.

But Loki painted what he wanted to
see. And the paint made it happen.

- Where did you get that?
- You stole yours from the
Norn. Used it to change fate.

See, Herc's always believed
that destiny's what you make it.

Just because something's written
in ink doesn't mean it's set in stone.

Not this time. Catch.

The dart was poisoned.
Loki just tried to kill you.

I hate it when a
plan falls apart.

So for the first
time in his life,

Hercules finds a
god worth saving.

Goodness gracious!

How do you manage
to paint such a vivid

picture of the ancient
Germanic territory, sir?

I declare, it's like you
were actually there.

I, uh, read a lot.

Huh.

Wait a minute. Hercules
saved the Norse gods,

but whoever helped
Loki's still out there.

Whoo, doggie.

Looks like actor boy don't
know everything now, does he?

Actually, Jerry, I left
that open so we could

build up the mystery
of a new villain...

for the next episode.

Are you two losers done yet?

Boo-yah!

Now we're done.

Go on with your epic,
Sorbolucci. We're all ears.

Okay. Uh, what's the one thing
that Hercules fears the most?

Uh, oh, oh.

Anybody?

Losing the people
that he cares about. Oh.

We could have this
new villain prey on that.

What if Hercules
returned to Ireland...

to say his last
good-byes to Morrigan?

What will you be doing now? I
guess I'll head back to Greece.

After all that's happened, I
wonder if it'll still feel like home.

Then stay here with me.

We could make this
our home together.

Everybody I get close to dies.

What are you talking about? My
family, my friends, they're all dead.

I can't take the risk
that you'd follow them.

And who better to give advice on
matters of the heart but an old friend?

You were raised a
half-god among humans.

She a half-human among gods.

Similar wounds
cause similar scars.

What heals one
wound... Heals another.

Maybe I taught you
something after all.

And so for the
first time in a long

time, Hercules could
open his heart again.

Was it just me, or were you
wanting to say something?

Um, just that...

this is... nice.

Hmm.

But of course, there's always
a calm before the storm.

No!

Who did this?

He's from outside this world.

A thing of evil and
incarnate darkness.

Dahak.

Mmm.

But what do I know?
I'm just an actor.

An actor with heart.

Well, we got enough
material to get started.

Pack your bags, folks,
'cause we're going home.

- I heard that.
- I'm sorry, folks.

I'm afraid I just
can't allow that.

I don't like the looks of
this, no, sir. Me neither.

Quit pushing. I don't wanna
die. Don't be shy, folks.

No one will hear you from
deep in this conveniently placed...

and totally abandoned mine.

So feel free to scream
when I shoot ya.

I can't believe it. It was Sunny
Day all along. Why, Sunny, why?

No, sirree. I have
watched too much TV...

to reveal the motives behind
my dastardly plan before I plug ya.

I know now's not the best time,
but this gives me a great story idea.

Cough it up, Sorbs.
The sands are running.

Who's the last person in the world
you'd expect to betray Hercules?

- Could you give us a minute?
- Make it quick.

What about the kid?
It's gotta be the little guy.

I sign the paychecks.
That's what it's gonna be.

Okay, I'll go along. The rest of you
block. Okay, one, two, three. Break!

Falafel.

- That's not exactly
what I had in mind.
- Shoot!

Well, who could it possibly be?

Dahak needed a warrior
heart to enter the world, right?

Well, what if Nebula wasn't the only
one who had what he was looking for?

The last person you'd
expect to betray Hercules...

is the man he's been
closest to his whole life.

Hercules. Boo.

You may have his body,
but you're not Iolaus.

Then who am I?

I guess this is a
question everybody asks

themselves sooner or
later. Don't you think?

All Dahak needed
was a warrior heart.

So when little Iolaus sacrificed
himself for the fair maiden Nebula,

Dahak had everything he needed.

And now Hercules will face the
most difficult challenge of his life...

Trying to defeat
his best friend.

On three... Two. One.

Hercules, you've gotta help me.

Please. Come on.

I knew you couldn't kill me.

You're still holding
on to what we were.

Well, it's time to grow up.

It will be a whole new
day in Greece, buddy.

What happened? He's
headed for Greece.

So why are we standing
about? Let's do some damage.

All right then... We
stop Dahak together,

or we die trying.

But what do I know?
I'm just an actor.

An actor with spunk.
An actor with pizzazz.

An actor with ten
seconds to live.

Well, it would have been a great
season if we'd just lived to see it.

Don't hurt them, Sunny.

- Take me instead.
- With pleasure.

Say, sayonara, Sorbo.

Kevin, no!

Hey... Oh, let go!

- Let go!
- Don't fight it.

Oh, my God!

Lord have mercy!

Why'd you do it, Sunny?

Allow me.

B.S. Hollinsfoffer!

I would have gotten away with it, too,
if it hadn't been for you meddling kids.

- Kevin, how did you know?
- I'm glad you asked.

It all started at lunch...

when I caught wind
of a strange smell.

At first, I thought it was Paul.

But then I realized it was a
rare and untraceable poison...

secreted only from the eyelids of
the Galapagos Island lava lizards.

That's why you knocked over
the stew... to save our lives.

That's right, Melissa.

And on my way to the sweat
lodge, the plot thickened...

when I heard singing coming
from cabin number two.

♪ Figaro, figaro
figaro, figaro ♪

♪ Figaro, figa... ♪♪

Oh, Kevin, what a surprise.

I was just gonna meet you folks at
the sweat lodge. I'll see you there.

I thought Sunny
was just a tenor.

But then it dawned on me. Maybe
she's not who she claims to be.

But how did you know
it was B.S. Hollinsfoffer?

I didn't.

Not until Sunny and Norma
came into the sweat lodge.

When no one was looking,
she handed me a note.

Now, folks, this is what
we call a sweat lodge.

It's a traditional
Navajo ritual.

That's when I
put it all together.

So, we know who Sunny
is, but who's Norma?

Studio security, sir.

We knew we had a traitor on the inside, but
I couldn't make my move until I was sure.

Thought you could
get away with it, huh?

You make me sick. I was gonna
drive you all to kill each other...

with these ridiculous group
exercises until Sorbo showed up.

Then I realized I'd no choice
but to do the job myself.

Leaves only question to be
asked... Why'd you do it, B.S.?

Because you've got the world believing
that good always triumphs over evil.

And I just can't have that.

- Oh... - My... - God...
- Of...
- War.

Get used to it, Ares.
No matter what you do,

no matter how hard you try,
you'll never break our spirits,

because there's a little Hercules in
everyone just waiting to come out.

This is not over,
people. And, you.

What a disappointment
you turned out to be. Wait.

- You promised me
my own network.
- Did I say that?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

And I've always
wanted to say this, but...

you will never work
in this town again.

- Let's go!
- You haven't seen the last of me.

- Wherever there's television,
there will always be B.S.!
- He's got that right.

Into the slammer, you traitor!

Excuse me, but doesn't it worry
anyone that the God of War is real?

I find it kind of
comforting myself.

I wonder if he's interested in
his own spin-off. Wait a minute.

If Ares is real,

doesn't that mean there's a
real Hercules out there too?

Don't look at me.

I'm just an actor.

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