Original subtitles

Last time on Hercules.

Hercules!

Hercules?

Why would I want to kill a pig?

Because this pig, is Hercules.

Hi, there, nice day for a ride, don't you think?

I'm Katherine. Uh, are you talking to me?

If we had Hermes' sandals, we could cover this entire province in no time.

I'll help you steal those sandals, but we do it my way, capisce?

We're in a slaughter house,

and the man who brought us here's a butcher.

Okay, think, Herc.

Stop this crazy thing!

You idiot! This isn't Hercules!

What? That pig's a girl!

Way to go, Fleevio.

What's the matter, Discord, chicken?

You!

Are on my list.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's not too late to go back.

Will you come with me?

It would be my pleasure to take you home.

See, if I could, I'd tell you everything's going to be okay, you know.

That your family's not going to be upset that you ran away, and that...

Well, they're going to be glad that you came home.

That's all well and good as far as it goes.

But there was more to my running away than I told you.

Katherine?

I can still understand you.

Well, it'd be sad if you forgot everything you learned as a pig.

But you've just let me go on and on.

Ever since we left my mother's house without so much as an oink.

You... Why didn't you tell me we could still talk to each other.

I wasn't sure you'd want to, since you're human again.

Humans are sort of above the rest of us.

That's what most of them seem to believe anyway,

that they're superior.

I've been both. I... I know better.

Enough, okay? Fix this!

Lean on Artemis. Get her to change me back.

Not to hurry, Discord.

The possibilities here are interesting.

Not a chance.

Pull it on some other pullet.

Just give me back my body!

All in good time.

You were close to greatness.

Turning Hercules into a porker,

it was... What? Genius.

But you blew it.

You just had to be the porkee.

You've got a one-track mind.

What do you want from me? Besides the obvious.

What can a chicken do to Hercules?

My mind isn't on my brother right now.

It's on the piddling mortal who did this to you.

Iolaus.

I'm offended he thought he could get away with it.

You're offended?

How do you think I feel?

My giblets are in a stew.

Your giblets got you into this in the first place.

Perhaps this'll teach you to keep your tail-feathers together.

What?

You are really twisted, you know that?

I think I'll leave you the way you are for now.

Give you time to think about how you screwed up the perfect opportunity.

Don't push it. Next time, it won't be an egg.

Uh, what kind of gratitude was that?

Let me tell you something.

Hermes, without his little sandals is a nobody.

You'd think he'd be glad to get them back.

Well, considering we stole them in the first place,

I can understand his attitude.

Well, I still think it's a bad idea.

You know, eventually I would've gotten the hang of flying those little puppies

and it would have been very handy.

Oh, yeah, handy for quick getaways, leaving no trace.

No, no. You misunderstood me.

I meant handy in a good way.

You mean like, you could steal everything and anything?

That's your idea of a good way.

I prefer to think of it as honing my craft.

Oh, please.

Ares.

Oh, I got a bad feeling.

Oh, it's going to be so much more than a bad feeling.

Does this look familiar?

Let me at him!

Oh.

Well, the... The beak looks familiar but...

You know, to tell you the truth, all chickens pretty much look the same to me.

So what do you think, uh...

Original recipe or Sparta-cue sauce?

Impudent toad! Before this day is out you'll be groveling for mercy.

Get ready for the worst day of your miserable lives!

Doesn't he know I'm the King of Thieves?

I'll shuck these toys like a bad habit.

Those chains are forged by Hephaestus.

No lock to pick, no way to get out.

You two are stuck with each other.

By the end of the day, you will despise each other.

That'll be an improvement.

Yeah.

Okay.

She doesn't think the chains are enough and you know, I think I agree.

I'll be back.

Got a big surprise in store for you, Iolaus.

This is the story of a time long ago,

a time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods were petty and cruel

and they plagued mankind with suffering.

Only one man dared to challenge their power.

Hercules.

Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen,

a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.

He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful queen of the gods.

But wherever there was evil,

wherever an innocent would suffer,

there would be Hercules.

Ah, I don't know why Ares included me in his little game.

You're the one that turned Discord into a chicken.

Yeah! Only so she wouldn't turn you into a rat!

Which now that I think about it, you already are.

Will you watch where I'm going?

Ah, look, my arrangement. You rearranged my arrangement.

Oh, what if I did? There's plenty of small leaves around.

We've got to find some clothes.

Okay, say we did.

How do we get 'em on with these?

Hercules.

He's the one that can break us free

before Ares comes back with his big surprise, whatever that is.

Okay, and where do you suppose we find Hercules?

He could be anywhere.

What is this, Twenty Questions?

Katherine,

Hercules has gone to take her home.

We'll go there first.

Alright, well let's get going. I'm flapping in the breeze here.

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

I've been thinking about something, Hercules.

Would you help me become human?

But you don't like humans. Why would you want to be one?

Some of them are pretty nice.

Humans can do as they please. Pigs can't.

Look, everyone lives with some limitations.

But you're smart, and brave, and generous.

I've seen that.

That's well and good as far as it goes, but I'm still a pig.

The King of Thieves in a sack. My image is ruined.

Listen, you!

Why don't you just pick up the pace?

Because the sooner we get there, the sooner Hercules can free us

and the sooner I'll be rid of you!

You know you two can play the "yank" game.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Do you like hospital food?

You want to wake up with a crowd around you?

You and whose army?

You're looking at him.

Yeah? Yeah.

It just keeps getting better and better.

Listen, I told you, I'm a hunter.

I've got an excellent sense of direction and the village is this way!

Yeah, well I'm a thief, and I robbed that town,

and I'm telling you it's back that way.

You couldn't find your way out of a sock!

Hey, let's ask the little girl.

Oh, this is just too good.

Little girl? You said it, baby.

Wait till they try and explain themselves.

No one will understand a word they're trying to say.

Hi, honey...

What is her problem?

I don't know. Kids these days.

What is it? What's wrong?

It was a monster.

It looked like it was coming apart.

It tried to get me.

Let's get it!

Believe me, you don't even want to be half human.

I mean, if the fates had cast your destiny to be a human,

you would have been born that way.

But, you were meant to be a pig, I mean, that's who you are.

I know you're right,

but if have a chance to change that destiny, and want to,

shouldn't I take it?

And shouldn't you help me?

Look, Katherine, I wish I could...

Hello, Aphrodite.

Who's that?

Um, don't ask.

Don't tell.

I'd expect this sort of thing from Ares,

but for you, Herc, it's a little kinky.

Oh, you wish.

I'm here as a favor to Artemis.

Oh yeah, I figured someone would be along.

She's very grateful to you, Herc-ola.

And she wants to know if there's anything she can do in return?

Or that I can do for her?

No, just tell her thanks, ah, I was glad to help.

Hercules, once the bow is gone, so is my hope.

It's my one wish in life. Please.

I'm not up on my pig Latin, but this sounds serious.

It'll break my heart if I stay a pig.

She wants to be human.

Honey, you could wait until you're old and cold

for a man to get a clue.

But broken hearts are my department.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Aphrodite...

There you go, Hamlet.

If you're going to be one, you might as well look your best.

Thanks, sis.

You're welcome, bro. Toodles.

Thank you, Hercules! Thank you!

This is the happiest day of my life.

You're welcome.

Oh, but I never thought clothes would be so uncomfortable.

Well, they're kind of necessary.

I don't see why.

Not on a beautiful, sunny day like today.

Look at that!

What?

- Oh, uh, Katherine... - No...

Ah, ah, Katherine, you really shouldn't...

Mama, look at the funny lady.

Katherine, please... There's people.

Um...

- Take it off. - Ah...

Katherine, really, this isn't a good idea.

There's people here and it just...

Katherine, you see, humans don't do this.

Come with me.

She says it's good for her complexion.

This is my favorite thing in the world.

All right, Mr. "I-know-where-we-are," where are we?

We're lost, that's where we are.

We're headed north!

I know where we are. Yeah, so do I!

We're in a swamp being eaten by bugs! Shush!

Look!

A crowd of people came through here

not long ago.

See, the guy in the front was shorter than all the others.

That's good, right? Yeah.

Well then let's find them. Surely they'll know the way to civilization.

Wait. Shh. Listen.

We're lost again, aren't we?

There's no monster here!

Yes, there is! You heard the girl! And this's the place he'd be.

Nothing gives me a warm fuzzy feeling like a mob of armed villagers.

Let's get out of here. There's probably no monster anyway.

Come on!

Wow, are we glad to see you.

Yeah, somebody lose a cow or something?

You idiots! They can't understand a word you're saying.

I don't think they can understand a word we're saying.

You got it, mud-boy.

It's the monster!

Where?

Get him!

Don't let him escape!

Burn it alive!

No, skin it alive!

Who are those guys? Beats me.

Do I look as bad as you?

Yeah.

Yu know, the one drawback of life on the run

is missing regular meals. I'm starved.

Wait, don't eat those. Hmm?

It's a goosenberry. They're supposed to be fermented.

A common mistake to the untrained eye.

See, this my friend, is a farkenberry.

It's a cousin to the goosenberry but with one important difference.

See, your farken doesn't put you to sleep like your goosen.

If it was a goosenberry, I'd be sound asleep by now.

Wait a second.

Farkenberries.

Oh, great!

Oh, boy. I could do with some real boots.

You want boots? How about big boots,

and the feet to go with 'em.

What the...

Ares!

Hey, hey, don't do that!

Hey, you got quite a set of waffle stompers there.

Oh, you like 'em? Hey, you got 'em!

Come on, zap 'em again.

What's happening?

What's happening to us?

I don't know.

So much fun!

Is that it? Is that all you've got?

Oh, no...

This is beautiful.

Everyone's so pretty.

Well, so are you.

I'll return your shirt as soon as I find a dress I like as much.

It looks better on you than it does on me.

It's always an honor to have you here, Hercules.

I'll give you our best table.

Thank you, Wolfgang.

It's okay.

Sit, yeah.

I'm so hungry I could eat an entire bucket of slop.

What's this for?

Oh, ah, that goes on your lap.

Like this.

Here you are.

After this I'd like to take a look around by myself.

Feel what it's like to be one of you.

That's a good idea. I'll be around if you need me.

This is so exciting.

Katherine... This is delicious.

That is disgusting. Eats like an animal. Like a pig!

Hercules, I'm sorry, but this won't do.

Of course it will.

It's very good soup.

It's a little salty for my taste, but it's very good.

Yes, well, thank you.

Thank you, I suppose.

Oh, boy!

That was close.

Well, the good news is,

it can't get any worse.

Got you!

It's an abomination!

The only good monster is a dead monster.

This is not good!

Ah, fellas, can we talk?

Let's kill it before it destroys our minds!

Hold on here.

I am P.T. Barnabus,

founder of the greatest show in Greece.

And I can use this freak of nature

in my circus.

Follow me, one and all.

A new freak for the new freak show.

Who're you calling a freak, you geek?

I hate to say this, but to him we're the geeks.

Be careful, not too close.

Stories of the big-footed two-headed forest monster

has frightened our children for generations.

That's why it belongs in a freak show.

Hideous.

Anybody got a chicken? Let's see if it bites the head off.

Quick, we'd better act crazy.

I'd rather go home with Uncle Carny here than end up a human pincushion.

Marvelous! Spectacular! I'll pay top dinar.

Oh, we got to get out of here.

What do you suggest?

Run!

Are we talking cash on the barrelhead?

This is another fine mess you've gotten us into.

I've got two words for you,

Discord, Artemis' bow.

That's three words.

Whatever.

You know, I can pick that puny lock in my sleep,

but I actually think we're safer in here.

Say, underneath these sacks we're naked.

Where've you been hiding the pick?

Don't ask.

Okay.

Freaks, outcasts,

dregs of society.

Well, that's life under the big top.

I was talking about us.

Don't antagonize 'em.

For once in your life keep your trap shut. If that's possible.

What and miss out on all your insults and witty repartee?

With pleasure.

Oh, go boil your head.

Hey!

No sleeping on the job!

You give me that stick, I'll ram it down your fat neck!

Yeah! You bloodsucking son of a Xiphopagus!

See this ferocious man-eater

in a fight to the death

with Hippochimera, the muscle man!

Come to the show! Come to the circus!

Come to the circus? Come over here

and I'll do a high wire act on that fancy face of yours!

You call that keeping your cool?

Next thing, they'll want to throw us to the lions.

Oh, stuff it. This is all your fault!

Now go to your corner, and get out of my hair!

Okay, I will!

It's amazing.

It's mating with itself.

Goosenberries.

Come one! Come all!

Two nights only, come to the circus!

Kids get in for a half a dinar!

A circus? Sounds like fun.

More fun than a human sacrifice,

bloodier, too.

Be there.

Sadie!

Do I know you?

It's me, Katherine.

Katherine? I didn't recognize you.

I'm a woman now.

I'm my own master.

Good for you, I'm proud of you.

You look a little thirsty.

Here, let me give you a hand.

I've got two now.

Thanks. That hits the spot.

You know how you said you used to

dream about breaking out of these traces

and riding off into the sunset.

Well, that's what I've done. And it's wonderful.

I'm so happy for you.

Still, the farm hasn't been the same without you.

You really lit the place up.

We did have fun, didn't we?

I just felt like it was time to move on,

meet new friends.

And I have.

He's wonderful.

But Katherine, your family...

They miss you terribly.

Your parents have been worried sick about you.

I've been thinking about them, too.

I never meant to hurt them.

Hey, Herc. Hey, how are you?

How's the weather down there? See you.

Okay, ready!

Don't make faces at the monster, honey.

But for the grace of the gods, it could be you in that cage.

Now run along.

Ha-ha!

Iolaus? Autolycus?

Oh, am I glad to see you.

I, ah, wish I could say the same,

but you guys are making me kind of queasy.

What are you doing in there?

Six shows a night, that's what.

Hey, now that the big guy's here,

this gig is over.

Yeah, I'm with you.

Will you quit pushing me! I'm trying to get down the stairs.

You're stepping on my feet!

Come on. What are you doing?

Hey, those are big feet.

Well you know what they say about big feet, don't you?

Big boots?

Hey, will you guys quit it?

Chains of Hephaestus, Ares, Discord.

Chicken. Chicken, yeah, enough said?

Ah, yeah, I get the picture. Here, let me help.

Hold still.

One minute.

It's better over here.

Very funny. Come on get us out of these.

Sorry.

Yeah. Come on.

Ready?

Thanks, Herc.

What's the matter? You lose your shirt?

Oh, ah, it's my new look.

I'll catch up with you later. I've got to go see a goddess about a pig.

Well, I wish I could say it's been fun, but it hasn't.

Good riddance.

You say anything about this, and I'll deny everything.

No problem.

Okay, whoever you are.

If you think you can sneak up on the King of Thieves,

you have got another think...

Sweet mother of Zeus!

Callipus!

Polybus!

Don't go. I won't hurt you.

It's me, Katherine.

They don't know you.

We grew up together.

But you're different now.

It won't be so easy fitting in, believe me, I know.

I'm not ever going to fit in this world with you, am I?

Hercules, will you please take me home where I belong?

M... M... Monster! Coming for us!

Wait, wait, wait. You mean a real monster did this to you?

What kind of monster?

Big? Ares said there'd be a "big surprise" waiting for us.

Okay, come on, spit it out.

Okay, it's big. Now, sounds like?

Hey, wait, wait, wait...

This is getting us nowhere.

Okay, where was this monster?

Okay, let's go.

Ahh, wrong direction.

See, if Ares is behind this,

there's no escaping it.

Suck it up and face it. Come on.

Whatever it is, it belongs in my circus.

This is exciting.

It's alright, it's okay. Calm down.

And they call us weirdoes!

Is this the spot?

What kind of monster could have made these tracks?

They look kind of familiar.

Hey, act it out again. That's funny.

This feels big.

Look! It's the monster!

That's it!

It's gigantic! It's colossal!

It's a chicken! It's... It's Discord.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To kill us all!

Run!

Oh, where's Hercules? He's snoozin' when he should be bruisin'!

If Hercules is around, he'll be here.

She's pretty hard to miss.

In the meantime, we're on our own.

What do you mean "we," sidekick?

You're the one that turned her into a chicken.

She's lookin' at you like you're a drumstick.

Knock it off.

I'll try and distract her. You come up with a plan.

Yeah, easy for you!

Hey, hey, chicken! Come on! Come on!

Come on, don't waste time!

Get into the tent!

Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry!

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

We've got to get everybody in the tent to safety.

What, are you crazy? This tent won't stop that bird.

I've got to get out of here!

Oh, Iolaus, I hope you know what you're doing.

Alright, everybody, listen up.

Step away from the sides of the tent.

Remain calm. Everything is under control.

You? What happened to, "I'll distract her"?

Yeah, I know how you feel. Come on, we've got to get these people out of this tent.

Alright everyone, out you go. Nice and easy.

Single file now, no pushing.

There is no reason to worry.

Hey, hey, hey. This is not the place to be. Go!

Got to go. Safety, safety, come on, everybody.

Iolaus, let's get out of here.

Okay.

So much for your plan "Beta." Don't look at me. I'm usually causing trouble.

Everybody run. Run! Get out of here! Come on!

Time for a new plan.

What have you got?

I've got a good one. What?

Run like Tartarus.

My baby! My baby!

There!

Ah, I'll get the baby... You come up with plan "Gamma."

I got ya, buddy.

Here's your baby, ma'am. Oh, thank you.

I'll collect later.

Come on, let's go. No, wait.

What are you doing? Plan "Gamma."

Goosenberries? Yeah

Okay, genius. How do we get her to take her medicine?

I'll distract her, you do the rest.

Hey, you, you big chicken! Come on. Come on.

Is that all you got? Give it to me. Come on.

Come on. I can take anything you got to give. What've you got...

For once you're thinking.

Okay, say the word.

Phew! Come on! Give me that, come on!

Come on! Now!

Say goodnight, big bird.

Come on, goosenberries, do your stuff,

You know, I haven't laughed so hard

since the entire Mycenaean Army

drank rancid water and got the runs.

Let's go, my little chickadee.

Iolaus,

wait till Hercules hears that we took on a monster all by ourselves.

Yeah.

Gonna tell him it was a chicken?

That'll be our secret, huh?

You know, Iolaus...

You're not half bad.

If I ever need a partner,

you might just be the lucky one.

Thanks, Autolycus, I...

I appreciate that,

but I've already got a...

I love being human, Hercules. It's just not me.

I guess you were right all along.

Now you know who you really are.

I also know I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

We're ready, Aphrodite.

I had a feeling this would come in handy.

Although why anyone would want to trade in a beautiful bod like that is beyond me.

I just love the way that works.

They know me now, Hercules.

I'm home.

One of these days, we're gonna have a long talk.

And I want to hear all about it.

Goodbye, Katherine.

It's so great to see you guys.

I missed you so much.

You won't believe what happened to me. I met the greatest hero...