Original subtitles

- Ally, recap? - Remember the kowolskis?

They want to set a record by making buffalo's largest cookie.

- You have to wear this. - A hair net?

Health department. If you're near the cookie, you have to wear it.

I just did the hair. The hair is perfect.

All right, give it to me.

God... why do you hate me?

We're rolling. And speed.

For three decades, the kowolski bakery

has been a mainstay in buffalo,

known for their sweet, cream-filled polski pierogies,

and the sugar-induced coma that follows.

In honour of their 30th anniversary, they've invited us to ride along

as they go for the record on buffalo's biggest cookie.

Vol? Do you need a tissue or something?

Can we get vol a tissue? Or a spoon?

Good thing we're wearing these.

I wouldn't want stray hairs to fall into the booger.

- We doing this again? - No. We'll cut to b roll.

Moving on!

Tell me, mama, why make buffalo's biggest cookie?

Man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry.

But I say, no, is big chocolate sprinkle. But he shut store down.

So, we clean up, make big cookie to bring customers back.

I admire your candouir. Let's try that again, shall we?

Tell me, mama, why make buffalo's biggest cookie?

So the children of the neighbourhood will be happy?

It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.

I work in back. I see no smiles.

The previous record was 8 feet, 7 inches, baked by Gladys pelsnick.

If this cookie is larger, it will prove

the kowolskis have much more free time.

And the cookie is... 10 feet, 4 inches!

We have a new record!

Cue the cheesy inspirational music!

But what are we really looking at here?

Is it just a big cookie?

Or does this cookie represent the pride of buffalo?

Its hardworking citizens the key ingredient,

with a few nuts thrown in.

And finally, the love of our families,

which provides the warm centre,

making our beloved buffalo

the sweetest place to live.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I'm Bruce Nolan, eyewitness news.

And cut.

So, what do you think?

It's really good.

It sucks. It's a story about a cookie.

The pillsbury doughboy will be riveted.

It made me laugh. Nothing wrong with making people laugh.

I'll never be an anchorman. The job's there, but I can't reach it.

They make me do this kind of stuff and I have to act like a goof.

I have no credibility. Not good.

- Now you just sound silly. - Forget it.

It's not important. Let's watch it once more.

- No. - Once more? Please?

No! You promised to help me with this photo album.

Get your goofy butt over here.

Go through this stack and pick your favourites.

Come on, this is fun, right? It's nice.

I bet Evan gets the anchor job.

- Bruce! - He's the favourite.

Just forget it. This is just our life.

We can always have some kid do it for us.

Hold the phone.

I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.

That should be in our private stash.

- Perky. Must have been cold. - Give it to me.

I can use this as wallpaper on my computer.

- Give it to me. Come on. - No!

Fine. Do with it what you will. I don't care.

I will do with it what I will.

I may send it in to playboy. I hear their layouts are quite tasteful.

Give that to me right now!

- Rough stuff. - I will hurt you.

Sweetie? Time to get up.

Good dream. No.

The buffalo sabres lost again last night to the Toronto maple leafs.

Of course they did. They're my team.

There might be something to this cookie line.

All the greatest anchors had a signature sign-off.

Like Walter cronkite.

"And that's the way it was."

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.

- The dog! - I'm in the shower!

No, Sam. Bad dog.

Inside, bad. Outside, good.

You're done now. Great.

B-e-a-utiful.

Let's go back in and have a shit.

- What is the dillio? - We are having a blood drive.

- Creepy. Needles. - They need my blood.

I have a very rare blood type. I'm ab positive.

Really? I'm ib positive.

"I be" positive they ain't touching me with no needle. It's just so...

- Helpful and life-saving? - No. It's blood.

Blood is supposed to stay inside the body, where it belongs.

They stockpile it in a warehouse and tell everyone there's a shortage.

Not true. Where did you hear that?

From a friend of a friend

of a girl whose sister is dating someone in government.

For your protection, I cannot discuss it.

Get out, before they see us together.

Here. You need these more than I do.

What is these?

Prayer beads. The kids made them for me.

- They will keep you safe. - I hope they're powerful.

I'll need a friggin' miracle to get to work on time.

This isn't happening. Not during sweeps week.

Not during sweeps week!

God.

Yup, meeting started without me.

This is my luck!

Come on!

Jesus.

Get out of there!

"Are you blind?" No, but I'm late.

Is your child in dire jeopardy?

Find out tonight after the game.

Promos are approved.

Jack? Shouldn't we be focusing on Pete's retirement?

- This is his last week. - Any word on the anchor position?

Evan, when I know something, you'll know something.

Sorry I'm late.

The traffic was...

Did you already play the spots?

Nice story, but we're going with Evan's piece.

The mayoral sex scandal, for sweeps.

Yeah...

Sweeps.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Just messing with you, Bruce.

You just gotta remember that the newsroom is like a big cookie.

Do you like jazz, Evan? Let me play something for you.

- I can hold that note all day. - Knock it off.

Bruce, we'll keep your story in reserve.

Can we work on getting something to put on the air today?

Great choice, Jack. The Cadillac of bolognas.

Jack, can I talk to you?

- Sure. What do you need? - Sweeps.

Jack, hear me out. I'm getting desperate.

I'm pushing 40 and what have I got to show for it? I've hit a ceiling.

There's an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past.

And Evan is loving it.

He gets the stories. Maybe I should be more like Evan.

Don't be like Evan. He's an asshole.

- I can be an asshole. - No, Bruce. You can't.

- You going to pick that up? - Yeah, I'm sorry.

This anchor thing opening up has got me nuts.

- Hey, Susan. - Hi, Susan.

Hi, Jack.

You're a good reporter. You make people laugh.

I'll tell you what.

Today is the 156th anniversary of the "maid of the mist".

Be in Niagara Falls in an hour.

The "maid of the mist" is always live.

- Evan does the live feeds. - Now you and Evan do them.

I'm going live? During sweeps?

Watch it. I've seen your outtakes.

Jack, you will not regret this.

I won't forget you when I go national.

Can you...?

Thanks, pal.

Can I have your wish now? I'll put it in the wish jar.

Put your wish in.

- Me, too. - Putitin.

That looks like a big wish.

No, Martin, don't eat that.

Don't put that in your mouth. That's paste, honey.

- That must have tasted awful. - Mommy!

Did you have fun with aunt Gracie today?

See how nice this is? Baby on hip.

It's amazing. You've become mom. The transformation is complete.

I'll get it.

- Small wonders day care. - Grace?

No, Debbie, the sister whose life you're not wasting.

Sorry. Debbie forgot to take her meds today. Where are you?

A little place called the winner's circle. I'm at the falls, doing a live report.

Live? That's great!

It's happening. I got sweeps and I'm live.

They're seeing if I can think on my feet.

Like I might have to do in a live anchor situation.

My gosh.

Yeah! Jack practically came out and told me.

Practically?

He didn't spell it out. Legally, he can't.

This happened to Susan before they bumped her up to the desk.

It's good.

Honey, I don't want you to get too ahead of yourself.

- I gotta go! They're calling me. - Good luck, honey. I love you.

Love, love, love.

Let's do it.

- They want you close to the falls. - I'll get soaked.

That's the point. Put this on.

A condition for us getting the exclusive.

You know what? Nothing can bother me today.

Remember, it's their 156th-year anniversary.

149 capacity. They cater to tourists, honeymooners...

And insanely thirsty people.

You'll be interviewing Irene dansfield.

Irene, a pleasure to meet you. You look beautiful.

Her mother rode the maiden voyage.

- 90 seconds! - 90 seconds? Holy hell.

Ok. 90 seconds.

Because of the fast response,

the chemicals were cleaned up without incident. Susan?

Bruce Nolan is standing by at Niagara Falls.

But first, we have an announcement.

As everyone knows, after 33 years, our beloved Pete fineman is retiring.

Pete's shoes are virtually impossible to fill, but the show must go on.

And we could think of no one better than our very own Evan Baxter.

- Congratulations, Evan. - I'm thrilled and honoured.

As you said, no one can replace Pete, but I'll do my best.

I am so proud to be a part of our community of buffalo.

I think, in a lot of ways, a great city is like a great recipe.

You take hard-working citizens, add some care givers,

maybe a few nuts!

All sprinkled with the love and support of our families.

Ultimately, that makes one sweet place to live.

- That was amazing. - I wish I'd written something.

And now let's go live to that wacky Bruce Nolan at Niagara Falls.

Wacky Bruce!

- Talk, Bruce. Hello. - Talk, honey.

- What is it? - A Walt Disney.

- He's frozen solid. - Check the audio feed.

We may be having technical difficulty.

- The feed's good. - Come on.

Talk, Bruce, dammit.

Get ready to pull the plug.

Come on, baby. Say something!

Talk.

Hi, Susan.

Bruce Nolan here,

aboard the "maid of the mist" in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.

First, let me add my congratulations to Evan backstabber.

Pardon me, bastard... Baxter.

It is good to see what someone can do

when opportunities are given to him instead of me.

I'm here with Katharine hepburn's mom.

Why did you throw the heart of the ocean Jewel over the rail of the Titanic?

Did you feel bad letting Leo DiCaprio drown

while you were safe on the big door?

Could you have taken turns?

Or were you too afraid to freeze your fat ass off?

I guess that's how life is.

Some people are drenched, freezing on a stupid boat in a stupid hat,

while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up the glory.

No big deal.

It's the owner of the "maid of the mist". Let's talk to him.

Come here, bill. No, let's have a talk.

What are you doing?

You've been running the "maid of the mist" for 23 years.

Why didn't I get the anchor job?

- I don't want problems. - Is it my hair?

Are my teeth not white?

Or, like the falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?

Eroding!

- Cut the feed. Go to black. - I'm on it.

I'm Bruce Nolan, for eyewitness news. Back to you, fuckers!

My god.

That is perfect.

That is the motivation I needed! Right there! Thank you!

Thank you, wkbw.

Wimpy... kitty baby whiners!

That's what that stands for!

I'll see you on channel 5, where they do the real news!

Do I look blind to you?

Let's go, man. Come on.

What are you doing?

Come on. Leave the poor guy alone!

You ok, man?

You'd better keep walking.

- What'd you say? - Run, man!

Run!

I didn't mean it!

I was kidding!

You forgot your things.

Say something now!

B-e-a...

Cutiful.

That's what I get.

That's what I get for trying to help someone.

Don't look at me, Walter.

That's my payment, I guess. That is my reward.

Just? Just get a clue!

Thank god you're all right.

Let's thank god, shall we? His blessings rain down on me.

- Wait! That's not rain! - Bruce, don't do that.

Everything happens for a reason.

That I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

I have no bird! No bush! God took my bird and my bush.

I see. So god is picking on you.

No! He's ignoring me completely.

He's too busy giving Evan everything he wants.

Great, Sam. But you missed your target. I'm over here!

Don't get mad at the dog. It's not his fault.

It's god's. He gave him the wrong coordinates.

Enough! Will you stop being such a martyr?

I am not being a martyr! I'm a victim!

God's a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.

He could fix my life if he wanted,

but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

I know you're mad. What Evan did was slimy and wrong.

But today could have been much worse. I'm glad you're ok.

News flash! I'm not ok.

I'm not ok with a mediocre job! Or a mediocre apartment!

I am not ok with a mediocre life!

Is that what you think we have? A mediocre life?

Don't make this about you.

About me? How could I make this about me?

It's about you. It's always about you.

Perfect!

I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt, please!

Ok, god. You want me to talk to you?

Then talk back. Tell me what's going on.

What should I do”? Give me a signal.

I need your guidance, lord. Send me a sign.

What's this joker doing?

Ok. All right. I'll try it your way.

All right. Lord... I need a miracle.

I'm desperate.

I need your help.

Please, reach into my life...

What the...” where are you?

Got you!

Fine! The gloves are off, pall!

Come on! Show me some wrath!

Smite me, o mighty smiter!

You're the one who should be fired!

The only one around here not doing his job is you!

Answer Mel

Sorry. Don't know you.

Wouldn't call you if I did.

God!

Hello, 5550123.

Sam! This has got to stop!

Get it straight. That's the house. This is the bathroom.

House, bathroom. Bathroom, house.

What's the point?

5550123.

Denied that promotion at work? Is life unfair?

Is someone less talented than you reaping the benefits?

Is your name Bruce?

Then do we have the job for you!

We're located at 7725623rd street.

Come on down. Or we'll just keep beeping you.

"Omni presents."

The glass is half-full.

Come on! Look! What is that?

What is that?

Thank you!

What the...?

You're looking for room 7.

- I figured. - Want me to even those up for you?

- Where is room 77 - On the 7th floor.

- Stairs are over there. - I'll take the elevator.

- Out of order. - I love stairs. My second choice.

Mind giving me a hand with this floor?

That's good.

Are you serious?

I'm kind of busy.

Rain check.

I'll hold you to it.

I'm free on the 7th at 7:00.

The 7th at 7:00 it is.

This looks promising.

Hello?

Another hugantic, ginormic waste of my life.

I'm looking for whoever runs this joint!

Be right with you. I'm fixing a light. Tell me if it's working.

Yeah. Seems to be.

- Kind of bright, though. - It is for most people,

who spend their lives in the dark, trying to hide from me.

The elevator's broken?

Yeah, but I'll get around to it.

- You installed a clapper? - No, but catchy jingle.

Clap on, clap off

clap on, clap off the clapper

just can't get it out of my head.

Good luck with that.

I'm going to go now.

But the boss will be right out.

You must be Bruce. I've been expecting you.

This is hilarious.

You're the boss, electrician and janitor.

Must be a killer Christmas party.

Don't get drunk. One of you might need a ride home.

You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father.

He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves.

People underestimate the benefit of manual labour.

There's freedom in it.

Some of the happiest people smell to high heaven at day's end.

How do you know my father and how did you get my pager number?

I know quite a lot about you.

Just about everything there is to know.

Everything you've ever said or done or thought about doing...

Right there in that file cabinet.

- A whole drawer, just for me. - Yeah.

Mind if I take a look?

It's your life.

This oughta be good.

This last entry was a little disturbing.

"The gloves are off. God took my bird and my bush."

"God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass."

"Smite me, o mighty smiter."

I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.

Are you spying on me?

Who are you?

I am the one.

Creator of the heavens and the earth. Alpha and omega.

I see where this is going.

Bruce... I am god.

Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer?

Our survey says, "god!"

It was nice to meet you, god.

Thanks for the Grand Canyon. Good luck with the apocalypse.

And by the way, you suck!

It would have been impressive

if you hadn't used the cheesy file cabinet illusion.

Anyone with a brain stem can see the drawer

is fed through the wall from the other side.

All you have to do is find the crease right here.

There is a seam here, or a hollow spot.

Where?

Through the dry wall and concrete?

That is a good one.

- How many fingers am I holding up? - Thou shalt not tempt the lord.

- If you can't do it... - Three.

Two... four... nine.

Six... eight... one.

How many now?

Seven.

- How? - You've been complaining about me.

- I'm tired of it. - Don't come near me.

I don't want to hurt you, but I will out of instinct.

You haven't won a fight since grade 5, and that was against a girl.

She was huge. She had been held back.

And the sun was in your eyes.

The ego.

Anyway, I want to offer you a job.

- What job? - My job.

You think you can do it better, so here's your chance.

When you leave here, you will be endowed with my powers.

Whatever you say, pal.

That did not happen. No one needs to hear about it.

I'm deleting the program.

No.

I'm having a breakdown.

Everyday psychotic episode, caused by a tumour.

Come on. Start!

That was lucky.

Calm down.

You did not meet god. You do not have his powers.

If that was god, I'm Clint Eastwood.

Holy hell!

- Be careful what you wish for, punk. - Nope!

I am a reasonable, sane human being...

With a .44 Magnum.

The most powerful handgun in the...

I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce Nolan.

That was not real.

- Coffee? - Yeah.

We have a special on soup.

- No, thank you. - It's tomato. I made it myself.

Excuse me, I need a spoo...

I found one.

Your soup.

Soup, right.

Having fun?

Thy... thou...

Come, take a closer walk with me.

- Let me explain the rules. - Rules?

You left in a rush, I didn't get to explain.

- The two extra fingers freaked me out. - I figured I'd get your attention.

I did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.

Here's the deal. You have my powers. Use them any way you choose.

There are two rules. Tell no one you're god.

You don't want the attention.

And you can't mess with free will.

- Can I ask why? - You can!

That's the beauty of it.

- Amazing. - Speaking of amazing, excuse me.

Holy sh... cow.

Since you're through with these, I'll keep them. Might come in handy.

See you around, kid.

- Where are you going? - I'm taking a vacation.

Heard of the dark ages?

I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes. Right?

And he saw that it was good.

B-e-a-utiful!

Check it out.

It's the hero.

- Whassup, homie? - Brethren, what up with thee?

- Blessings on your alley. - Want another beating?

- You didn't get enough? - He wants more!

Surely, I say unto you dudes, I do not wish to fight.

As soon as you apologise and admit your transgressions,

I shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness.

What are you talking about?

I don't know if you lost it up here.

You want me and the homies to apologise? Cool.

We'll apologise the day a monkey comes out of my butt.

What a coincidence! Because that's today.

Did that monkey come out your crack?

This is some voodoo shit!

You guys leaving?

Don't forget your parting gifts!

Little anal-dwelling butt monkey.

Time for you to go home.

I am Bruce almighty.

My will be done!

- My god. - Call me Bruce.

What happened to you? You seem so...

Happy.

Why not? On a night like this.

They're amazing. What are these?

A cross-pollination between tulips and daisies.

I call them todayzees.

These flowers are beautiful, but last night...

Last night, I was only human.

Barry, help me out.

I've never seen the moon that big.

We shouldn't waste it.

Bedroom?

Five minutes.

Let there be light.

Be out in a minute!

Don't rush.

Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure.

It's a funny thing about pleasure.

It can be quite... pleasurable!

My god.

Pleasuring, pleasurable.

Good god!

In Japan, relief workers are trying to rescue hundreds of people,

stranded by a freak tidal wave that hit kitamoto city.

Scientists say the Tsunami may have been caused

by what they are describing as unusual lunar activity.

More on this as it develops.

Bless my mommy, my daddy, and especially my little sister.

Help me get through this, lord.

I'm asking for your help.

Thank you for everything else in my life. Amen.

Good boy.

Forget something?

Good boy! There are girls in the house.

- Morning. - Good morning.

- I made you grilled cheese. - My fave.

- Last night was... - Heavenly. I know.

I woke up and I felt like my boobs were bigger.

- Do they look bigger to you? - What?

- Bigger? - Come on! Look at them.

They are definitely bigger. Look. They feel huge to me.

I have to go.

But this has been the breast bek... Breast... thank you.

- Where are you going? - To get my job back.

I am great

I am...

Good grief! Is that what I'm driving?

- Nice car, man. - It gets me from a to b.

Darn. All this horsepower and no room to gallop!

Hi-yo, silver. Away!

I wouldn't want to be a fugitive with Hank,

buffalo's number one police dog, on the job.

Phil sidleman, at the police canine training centre, channel 5 news.

Cut.

Look what the cat coughed up! Channel 7. The guy that went crazy.

- I had a bad moment. - Why are you here?

- Looking for a story. - No story here.

This pond is all fished out. Pretty standard stuff, anyway.

My instinct tells me there's something more.

Go with that. It served you well in the past.

Hank found something!

We got a body!

Get the camera! Now!

- The keys are inside! - Every dog has his day.

Want to make $10?

- Know how to use one of these? - Duh.

Seems to be in tune. Let's do this.

The body of Jimmy hoffa was uncovered in a field today,

outside a canine training centre in buffalo.

- Bruce Nolan was first on the scene. - Thank you, Jane.

The body is being carefully exhumed

for transportation to a facility where DNA can confirm the identity.

That, however, is merely a formality,

as the body was found with a birth certificate and dental records.

A red-letter day for any canine unit.

Was that enough for Hank? No, sirree.

Moments later, he busted a news crew with 220 pounds of marijuana.

I never saw it before! I swear!

I'm Bruce Nolan...

And that's the way the cookie crumbles!

Good work. I'm impressed.

Need me for something?

Just the man I want to see. Hoffa? What are the odds?

What are the odds?

Sit down.

I'll be straight with you. We want you back.

It was not my decision to let you go.

- When the big guy gives an order... - No harm, no foul.

I needed to reassess and get in touch with myself.

- In a day? - Imagine what I could do with seven.

It's not in my power to give you anchor.

But as far as field reporting goes...

Cut the crap and get down to brass tacks.

I had you going.

Don't worry about it, my old friend.

Give me a camera. I'll give you the news.

I let the jalapenos marinate in a spicy sauce

for 24 hours before I stir it into the chilli.

Then I let it all come to a simmer.

Hold that thought.

It seems as if an asteroid or meteorite

has hit ground outside the Mark twain chilli cook-off!

This should spice things up!

His stories are all over town.

From unearthing hoffa...

To a meteor crashing...

Bruce Nolan is becoming known as...

That's the way the cookie crumbles!

This was Bruce's idea?

He wanted me to have a day of beauty and luxurious Serenity.

He is impressing me lately.

Know where he's taking me to dinner?

Where?

The blue palm?

- I just got chills. - I know.

He told me to prepare for the most memorable night of our lives.

- He's going to propose. - Stop it. No. He's...

- Really? - Yeah, really.

He sends you to a spa,

takes you to a romantic restaurant, where you had your first date.

I never thought I'd say it, Bruce is right. This is your night. Enjoy it.

Welcome to eyewitness news at six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter,

Fred Donohue, sports, Dallas Coleman, weather.

Now, buffalo's number one news team.

Welcome to eyewitness news at six. I'm Susan Ortega.

I'm Evan Baxter. Here's what's making news.

A potential scandal with the buffalo pd surfaced today,

when the mayor demanded...

When the mayor demanded the chief... When the mayor demanded...

Issued a response to...

- I seem to have something stuck in... - Get him some water.

My new co-anchor needs water.

There we go. Sorry.

In other news, the prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today,

and my tiny little nipples went to France.

What did he say? Check the prompter.

- It's fine. - Evan, read the copy. It's good.

The white house received the prime rib roast minister,

and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.

I lika do

da cha-cha.

I'm sorry. We seem to be having technical difficulties.

In other news...

My apologies.

May 17?

It's perfect. She'll love it.

I was going to wait until after the meal,

but it'll burst out of me like an alien if I don't do it now.

This is it, isn't it? I don't know if I'm ready for this.

I'm ready. I didn't know if I would... I'm sorry, go on.

- I didn't know it mattered to you. - Me, neither.

I got anchor.

It wasn't working out with Evan,

so he's going to finish the week and I go live on Monday.

- That's great, honey. - I know.

- So that's what this is about. - Yeah.

Jack's throwing me a party Friday at the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul...

I feel stupid.

- It's loud in here. - It's not loud.

Keep it down to a dull roar.

- Thank youl! - Is that supposed to be funny?

Because it's not.

- What are you saying? - What is wrong? Stop yelling.

Can you excuse me? I'll take a trip to the...

The wine is going right through me.

I'm so sorry.

Keep going, Tony! You're great!

What is going on here? What is this?

Give me a break!

Really something, isn't it?

- Is this heaven? - No, this is mount Everest.

You should watch the discovery channel sometimes.

But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.

- I'm dead? - No, I'm messing with you.

That's not funny, man!

And the voices in my head? Is that part of the hilarity?

Those are prayers. You keep ignoring them, they'll build up.

It's just noise. I can't understand them.

You're not listening, son.

Let's see.

You've had my powers a week. How many people have you helped?

I took care of a few things.

I righted a few wrongs in my own life first.

I was going to help the others.

- I could help the world. - That wasn't the world.

I didn't want to start you with more than you could handle.

You took the job. I suggest you get to it.

Prayers, prayers.

This whisper thing has to end. I need organisation and management.

I need a system. Something concrete. Concentrate.

Files. Let all prayers be organised into files.

That takes care of the voices. Not exactly a space-saver, though.

Grace might notice.

I know. Prayer post-its!

I need something with a lock. Security. A password.

A password.

Yahweh!

You've got prayers.

Welcome to the revelation superhighway.

We bless, no mess. Downloading now.

It's good!

This is going to take a while.

I'd better manifest some coffee.

That's fresh, mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.

I have to have made some kind of a dent by now.

Come on!

What a bunch of whiners. This will suck up my life.

Yes. To all.

There you go. Now everybody's happy.

I'll drink to that. My tech stocks tripled in five days.

Joe, you seem taller.

- I am. - My daughter pitched a no-hitter.

I lost 47 pounds on the krispy kreme diet.

There he is! The man of the hour!

Bless you! Bless all of you!

Be fruitful, and do long division or something!

Try that. It's an excellent year.

- Who do you like in the game? - The sabres. Coach prays a lot.

This is Bruce, grace and Sam. Leave a message.

Are you there? It's me.

Come on, grace. Come to the party.

I'll call you later, ok?

Come on, Sam.

Help me out.

Sam, don't. Come on.

- Tell me. - If I do, it might not come true.

What do you want, Mary? You want the moon?

I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.

That's a good idea. I'll give you the moon.

I'll take it.

- Then what? - Then you could swallow it.

And it'd all dissolve.

Moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and the ends of your hair.

This is Bruce, grace and Sam.

- Why are you in here all alone? - I was going to...

I was going to give grace a call.

I didn't see her here. So how are you and grace doing?

Actually, we had a bit of a fight. I'm not sure if she's...

You're on fire, Bruce.

Some women can't handle fire.

Some can.

That's interesting, cos I never thought we would ever talk...

You might want to stop touching me now.

Come here!

This is weird. I was just calling you.

You thought Susan's mouth was the phone?

She kissed me.

- You put up a big fight. - I tried to stop her, but she's strong.

I screwed up. Can I make it up to you?

Why don't you get me a boat?

A big boat. And two big bags of cash.

Then I'll be happy.

Lots of money and lots of stuff!

Other people wanna get married or have babies with the man they love.

But not me. Just give me the boat.

No wonder you stayed single!

- Don't do this. - I'm not doing this. I'm undoing it.

I'll be at Debbie's. Keep Sam until I make arrangements.

You can't leave me.

I'm the Alpha, lady!

I'm the omega, baby!

Fine! I don't need you!

What's wrong? She can't handle a little competition?

Game's been called on account of rain.

An unusually high number of lottery winners has officials concerned.

1100 winning tickets have been turned in,

all, strangely, from the buffalo area.

More on this story as it develops.

Enjoying your party? Nothing like spending quality time with friends.

- Grace left me. - Yeah, I know.

She'll take me back.

- She'll take me back, right? - Would you take you back?

How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?

Welcome to my world.

If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.

Rise and shine, buffalo.

- Bye. - Have fun.

- Can I get a coffee to go? - Sure.

K-tel records brings you the 100 greatest love songs of all time.

You'll hear such classics as "all you need is Bruce",

"if you can't be with the one you love, then love Bruce",

"do that to Bruce one more time".

And who can forget, "Bruce so horny"?

Order today and we'll throw in the video sweatin' to Bruce.

Just dial 1900-4 giv him.

That's 1900-4 giv him. Do it now.

Don't put that in your mouth. That's not food.

Go to the bathroom. Wash your mouth and your hands.

That kid is gonna poop an ornament.

Do it, you're in a lot of trouble.

All right, that's it!

I surrender!

I'm doing my first anchor tonight.

That's great.

- How have you been? - Good.

- Debbie won the lottery. - You're kidding.

But so did 400,000 other people, so she only won $17.

I miss you.

I took the first step. Jumped out on a ledge.

Feeling pretty vulnerable.

- What do you want me to say? - You want me back.

- No. - What about all the signs?

How did you know about that? Did you talk to Debbie?

Would it help if I said I was a complete ass?

You said "ass"!

It's ok if I'm talking about a donkey. I didn't say "hole". If I said "ass..."

No, wait. Honey, let's go inside.

Kids! Everybody inside. Time to go in.

Please. None of this seems right without you.

I have to go.

Wait!

How do you feel now?

Have you completely lost your mind?

- Are you drunk? - Drunk with power.

Love me.

Love me. Love me.

Love me!

I did.

Yeah, I know. Free will.

More power outages reported today from last week's meteorite strike.

Officials are trying to repair transformers

damaged by the electrical surge.

It nearly turned violent

when buffalo residents protested last week's lottery results.

Doomsayers are saying last week's strange celestial events

are signs that prophecy is being fulfilled,

and the world is coming to an end.

The world's gone mad.

30 seconds to air.

There you are. Your big debut. How do you feel?

You know what? I'm fine. Never better. The show must go on.

- The sabres won the Stanley cup. - You're kidding!

Was that tonight? That's great.

It's crazy out there. We're going to kick live to Fred at the stadium.

Five seconds.

- You ready? - Born that way.

Welcome to eyewitness news at six, with Susan Ortega, Bruce Nolan,

Fred Donohue and Dallas Coleman.

Buffalo's number one news team.

- I'm Susan Ortega. - I'm Bruce Nolan.

And here's what's making news.

- What happened? - We lost power.

Transformer's down.

Ever since that damn meteorite hit.

- It's ok. - We apologise for the interruption.

- Back to the news. Bruce? - Thank you.

I'm sorry. We're going live to hsbc arena,

where the buffalo sabres have won the Stanley cup.

Great.

We're uncorking champagne

because the sabres have won their first championship in 22 years!

What in the blue blazes?

We'll be back with the sabres' victory in a hot second.

In other news...

- Bloody hell! - What is it now?

- The booth is down. - It's not!

In other news, fighting erupted in the gaza strip today,

as Israelis and palestinians...

- Bruce. - What?

They're rioting outside.

- You're kidding. - The town's gone crazy.

Go on, Bruce. Say something.

Ladies and gentlemen, this just in.

Possibly the biggest breaking news story this town has ever seen.

And I gotta go.

I'm sorry, Jack.

Susan, it's all yours.

Sabres!

Sabres rule!

Down with the lottery!

Repent! The end is near!

The lottery sucks! I only won 17 bucks!

Channel 7 blows!

God!

God?

Are you here?

Hello? I need your help!

Clap on! Clap on!

Figures!

Hello there, Bruce almighty.

Not as easy as it looks, is it, son? This god business.

They're all out of control.

It's mayhem. I don't know what to do.

You're right on time. Seven o'clock.

The 7th at 7:00.

All righty, then.

- There we are. - It's good.

It's a wonderful thing.

No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.

There were so many. I gave them what they wanted.

Since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

So what do I do?

Parting your soup is not a miracle. It's a magic trick.

A single mom working two jobs,

who finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle.

A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education,

that's a miracle.

People want me to do everything. They don't realise they have the power.

You want to see a miracle, son?

Be the miracle.

Are you leaving?

I figure you can handle things now.

But what if I need you? What if I have questions?

That's your problem. That's everybody's problem.

You keep looking up.

Order has been restored after this evening's downtown riot.

Officials have suspended lottery sales pending an investigation.

No injuries were reported, but there were dozens of arrests.

- Thanks a million. - No problem.

God bless.

Bruce giveth, and Bruce...

Taketh away.

If you don't like it... mega-bite me.

I suppose you're here to gloat about the anchor position. Go ahead.

Actually, I...

I came to tell you I've been a royal prick.

The anchor position is yours. I turned down the job.

I never really congratulated you.

Congratulations.

Thanks, Bruce.

In the financial world, things are back to normal, after a fluke market fluctuation.

- You made the right move. - You ready to go back out there?

Do the cutesy stuff? The lighter side of the news?

Lower and debase myself for the amusement of strangers?

I could do that. Sounds like fun.

Good.

Let's do it like the other dogs.

Not to make you feel bad, but they're laughing at you.

Come on. Concentrate.

Pump it out, if you have to.

What am I going to do with you?

I know this seems crazy,

but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Do your thing.

That's it. Good boy!

Training my dog.

Yes! We did it!

We're doing it doggy style!

I'll alert penthouse forum.

Hi, Deb. How are you?

How's grace?

I didn't come to chat. I came for grace's stuff.

- You need a...? - That's ok. I've got it.

I don't know if she... I don't know if she wants that or not.

This is full. You did all this?

Know what I do before I go to bed?

I tuck my kids in, maybe have some ice cream and watch conan.

Know what grace does?

She prays.

Most of the time for you.

Find grace connelly.

The woman does pray a lot.

Find... grace and Bruce.

"Dear god, help Bruce find himself, find contentment, find you."

"Dear god, help Bruce. He's struggling.”

"Dear god, give Bruce strength. Dear god, bless Bruce."

It's her.

Sammy, she's logging on. She's praying right now.

Please, god.

Please.

I still love him.

But I don't want to love him any more.

I don't want to hurt any more. Please. Help me forget.

Please help me let him go.

Please help me let him go.

You win!

I'm d onel

please! I don't want to do this any more!

I don't want to be god.

I want you to decide what's right for me!

I surrender to your will!

Aml...?

You can't kneel down in the highway and live to talk about it.

But why?

Why now?

You have the divine spark.

You have the gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world.

I know. I created you.

- Quit bragging. - See? That's what I'm talking about.

That's the spark.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to pray, son.

Go ahead. Use them.

Lord, feed the hungry,

and bring peace to...

All of mankind.

- How's that? - Great.

If you want to be miss America.

Come on. What do you really care about?

You want her back?

No.

I want her to be happy.

No matter what that means.

I want her to find someone...

Who'll treat her...

With all the love she deserved from me.

I want her to meet someone...

Who'll see her always...

As I do now.

Through your eyes.

- Now that's a prayer. - Yeah?

Yeah.

- It's good. - It's good?

It's good!

I'm going to get right on it.

Clear!

- That didn't feel good. - Clear!

- Got a rhythm. - Got a pulse.

- Get him up. - Get the backboard and brace.

Welcome back. You're lucky to be alive.

Someone up there likes you.

I hear that stuff's in a warehouse somewhere.

Hi, baby.

My god, look at you.

- I was such an idiot. - It's ok.

I don't know what I would have done.

I wanted to be mad at you forever.

Now you're just showing off.

This is Bruce Nolan at buffalo's first "be the miracle" blood drive.

It's a b-e-a-utiful day.

So come on down, because the life you save could be mine.

The kowolskis have baked a special cookie just for this occasion.

It's creepy and a shameless plug, but we love them.

Thank you, mama. Vol, finger, nose!

I will have given blood twice this week.

For those of you who haven't heard,

I'd like to introduce you to the future mrs exclusive.

Grace connelly. There she is.

Look at her! Isn't she beautiful?

She just gave blood and she still has enough to fill up her face.

Behind every great man, there's a woman rolling her eyes.

I'm Bruce Nolan for eyewitness news reminding you to...

Be the miracle!

You heard them.

Cut. Thank you, Bruce.

- How was that? - That was really great.

Go over there. The nurse is waiting.

- Do I have to? - It won't hurt.

I think you'll find it pleasurable.

I'm sorry.

I have a rare blood type. I'm ab positive.

Sounds delicious.

There are storehouses all over the world,

with tons of stuff on ice, and...

- Sorry. - You're like this.

Positive, ib positive... sorry.

I have a rary...

She has a rary!

I have a very rare blood type. I'm ab negative.

- I'm ib positive. - Am I ab negative?

I don't know any more.

I need a frickin' miracle to get to work on time.

Shit!

That'll work.

Other stories in the...

The prime minister of Sweden visited Washington, and in other...

In other news...

I'm Bruce Nolan for eyewitness no...

Eyewitness nose.

And clear!

Be the miracle!

That's right!