Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

My dear doctors,

it is indeed a pleasure to welcome you here

for the beginning of your practice.

This letter states that in this group,

there are three of you who are not overly bright,

but were graduated because you had been in the senior class

too many years.

Your identity I shall keep secret

and will disclose to no one

on one condition:

that you try hard and forever devote your lives

to the glorious cause of duty and humanity.

ALL: We will.

Hello, doc. How are ya? Glad to see ya.

Spread out.

GRAVES: Do you hereby solemnly swear

to devote the rest of your lives

to the cause of duty and humanity?

ALL: For duty and humanity.

And remember!

When you hear your call come over the loudspeaker,

rush immediately to answer,

as seconds mean lives.

ALL: Yes, sir.

MAN [OVER P.AL]: Calling Dr. Howard,

Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

[WHOOPING]

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

MAN: Dr. Howard, report to Room 66,

Dr. Fine, Room 72, Dr. Howard, Room 83.

Rooms 66, 72, 83.

- 66 over. - 72 over.

83 over.

MAN: Sixty-six, 72, 83.

On Track 13,

all aboard for Philadelphia, Chicago and points west.

MAN: Emergency call. Emergency call.

- Sixty-six, 72, 83. - Calling all cars.

Calling all cars.

- [WHOOPING] - Calling all cars.

MOE & LARRY: Calling all cars! Calling all cars!

Come on. Get going. Come on, there.

Calling all cars.

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

Oh, a wise guy, eh? I've got a good mind to hand you a ticket.

Where's your driver's license?

Spread out.

Pull over to the curb, you. I want to talk to you.

Open your mouth.

What's your name?

[MUFFLED] Anna Conda.

On account of what?

No, no. Just Anna Conda.

- Anna Conda. - Anna Conda.

Anna Conda, 95 and an eighth.

Anna Conda, 95 and an eighth.

That's awfully low, doctor.

Yeah, we ought to sell.

Sell 100 Anna Conda at 95 and an eighth.

100 Anna Conda sold. Come on, get going, folks.

- Get going. - Get out of here.

- [BLOWS WHISTLE] - Put your thumb out on turns.

- Break it up. - Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Hurry it up. - Come on.

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

Ohhh, cutie pie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- Get off of that carriage. - No.

Get off of that carriage.

Come on. Get out of here.

Get out of there.

Take this carriage out.

I'll take it when I'm ready.

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready. All right.

[GIGGLING]

Oh, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

[GIGGLES]

Yes, that's true.

Well, then, why don't the patients eat an apple a day

and save hospital expenses? [GIGGLES]

Pardon me if I laugh.

[LAUGHS]

That's a pippin.

Oh, I know what a pippin is.

You do, eh? What's a pippin?

A-a pippin is an apple

with its skin on the outside.

[GIGGLES]

Did you ever see an apple with the skin on the inside?

Oh, sure I did.

[GIGGLES]

You did?

Uh-huh.

Where?

In homemade apple pie.

[GIGGLING]

MAN [OVER P.AL: Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

[WHOOPING]

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Dr. Howard, report to Room 66.

Dr. Fine, 72. Dr. Howard, 83.

Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard,

report to Dr. Graves' office.

Hello, captain. Did you send for us?

Yes. How'd you find that patient in 667?

Under the bed.

How'd you find the patient in 727?

Up on the chandelier.

What'd you do for him?

Nothin'. What'd he ever do for us?

What are you working here for?

ALL: For duty and humanity.

MAN: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

[WHOOPING]

MOE: Giddyup, Julius. Giddyup, Julius.

[BELL CLANGING]

Giddyup, Julius.

MAN: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

What is it?

MAN: There is a messenger boy

down in the lobby to see you.

Send him up.

Here I am.

What service. Give us the message.

Can't. Seventy-five cents, collect.

Who's it from?

It's from a dame by the name of Nellie.

ALL: My girl.

What does she say?

She says she loves all three, but she'll marry the one

that does the greatest thing for duty and humanity.

ALL: Thanks.

Hey.

How's about my money?

I'll tell ya. We'll toss for it. Pay you double or nothing.

Yeah, he'll call it because he's tongue-tied.

That'll make it easier.

Uh, have you got a coin?

Yeah.

That'll really make it easier.

What is it, head or tail?

[MUMBLES]

What?

[MUMBLES]

Is that it?

Certainly.

Oh, then you lose. We'll split this three ways, fellas.

- You tellin' me? - Just a victim of circumstance.

How is she, doctor?

A slight hope.

That's too bad. What's the matter?

She's in a coma.

I am not. I'm in a bed.

Gee, the joint is haunted.

How old are you?

I'm 35.

Nah, you couldn't get that fresh in 35 years.

Lay down.

Gimme that-- That thing there.

Yeah.

Can't live till morning.

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boo Ba-ba-ba-boo ♪

Just a minute. Just a minute.

What do you gentlemen know about medicine?

Why, we graduated

with the highest temperatures in our class.

[SCOFFS] Some class.

You said it, kid. Some class.

What're you trying to do?

Why, you don't even know

how to deliver a proper anesthetic.

Boys, give the doctor a little anesthesia.

[CLANGS]

A winner every time. No blanks.

Say, doctor, do you really think I'm gonna get better?

I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid you are.

Oh, thanks, doctor.

You don't know how I really appreciate it.

Doctor! We're mighty proud of you.

You've done a wonderful thing for humanity.

And when we leave here, we're going right down

to the president's office and--

We won't say a word about it.

What's the matter? What are you buttin' in for?

MAN: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Report to Dr. Graves' office.

Remember our oath for duty and humanity.

Get goin'.

[WHISTLES]

Right away. Colonel, did you call us?

Yes. And just another thing.

Uh, uh, hello?

Hello. Hello. Hello!

Hello.

Don't let that body go out of 84 until the bill is paid.

I ain't got no body.

Yes. It's in 84.

- Yes! Yes! Yes! - Hello?

Yes, yes! Yes.

The line's busy.

Say, there's nobody on your line.

I know, but I'm expectin' a call.

GRAVES: Just a minute!

Go to Room 81. There's a dangerous patient, and hurry.

Hurry.

- Don't get nervous. - The patient ain't goin' no place.

Hurry!

That is the momentous question.

I once asked Hamlet,

and he made this suggestion.

He said, "Go for a walk,"

and I met a dog.

[GROWLING, BARKING]

[HISSING]

[SPITS]

Water.

Water!

Water.

Fellas, let's give him some medicine.

Oh, yes.

Annaponatag.

- Sederscram. - Sederscram.

- Bolsiax. - Bolsiax.

- Senakonapon. - Senakonapon.

Enot.

- Enot. - Enot.

- Set? - That's it.

- Voila. - For duty and humanity.

PATIENT: Rats!

You know, once I was crazy.

You see that button hole?

Rats used to come out of that.

As fast as they'd come out,

I'd grab 'em, throw 'em down,

- and another one would come out. - Hey. Hey.

- You were-- You ain't well yet. - Why?

There's another one comin' out now.

You take it. I've got enough of ‘em.

I'll be seein' ya.

Look!

Great big, giant, green canaries.

Green canaries. Heh.

[ALL YELP]

- [WHOOPING] - Agh!

Aaaagh!

Move over. You've got company.

Dr. Howard.

[HICCUPS] Dr. Fine.

[HICCUPS] Dr. Howard.

- [HICCUPPING] - Her shoes are too tight.

Her cold's breakin' up.

Wait a minute. Pitch that an octave higher.

[HICCUPS]

♪ Oh-lee-oh-lay ♪

[HICCUPS]

- ♪ Oh-lay ♪ - ♪ Oh-lay ♪

[HICCUPS]

- ♪ Oh-lay ♪ - ♪ Oh-lay ♪

[HICCUPS] ALL: ♪ Oh ♪

- ALL: ♪ Oh-lee-oh-lay ♪ - [HICCUPS]

- ALL: ♪ Oh-lay ♪ [HICCUPS]

- ALL: ♪ Oh-lay-ee-oh I - [HICCUPS TWICE]

MAN: Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

[ALL HICCUPPING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Terrible disaster at the oil wells. Twenty men injured.

Radium's the only thing that will save their lives.

Give us the radium, we'll get goin".

It's locked in the safe. I can't get it.

- Why not? - During the excitement,

I swallowed the combination to the safe,

put a burning cigar in my pocket.

You've got nothin' to worry about.

But you don't understand. The combination is in here.

You still got nothin' to worry about. We'll get it.

How?

We'll operate.

- Me? - Yeah.

- You? - Yeah.

No! Nol!

Boys, give him the anesthetic,

and see me in the operating room later.

[CHUCKLES]

Give.

[MOANS]

[WHISPERING] Everything's ready.

[WHISPERING] We'll make an incision like this.

[WHISPERING] No. We'll make an insertion like this.

[WHISPERING] No. We should make an excursion like this.

Tic-tac-toe.

MAN: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

[WHISPERING] Shut up.

Shut up yourself!

[WHISPERING] Should I give him more sodium amytal?

Nah. Give him a Coca-Cola.

No, schnapps.

Oh...

Stop. We might cut him.

What do you want me to do, kiss him?

Wait a minute.

Let's plug him and see if he's ripe. Heh-heh.

Say, why are we all whispering?

I don't know why you're whispering,

but I lost my voice asking for a raise.

[STOMPING AND YELLING]

[ALL WHOOPING]

[CHUCKLING]

[WHOOPING]

- Semmers. - Semmers.

Semmers.

Honeycomb.

- Honeycomb. - Honeycomb.

Sinneterna.

- Sinneterna. - Sinneterna.

Annacannapooner.

- Annacannapooner. - Annacannapooner.

Annacannapooner.

- Oh. - Oh.

Annacannapo--

- Shift. - One.

Two.

- Three. - Four.

- Pinanalge. - Pinanalge.

- Annasinig. - Annasinig.

- Cotton. - Cotton.

Cotton.

Cotton!

- Apeere. - Apeere.

- Onnag. - Onnag.

- Shift. - Hike.

- Sayers. - Jisit.

Cotton.

Cotton!

Cotton.

Cotton!

[JACKHAMMER RUMBLING]

There it is. Ha-ha-ha.

He's got it. He's got it. Needles.

- Needles. - Needles.

[WHISPERS] Needles.

[THREAD SQUEAKING]

[THREAD SQUEAKING]

[WHISPERING] Scissors.

- Scissors. - Scissors.

Scissors!

- Ah! Success. - Success.

Where are the tools?

The tools?

Tools?

[METAL CLINKING]

MAN: Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard. Are you coming?

[WHOOPING]

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

[MUTTERING]

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

- [BEEPING] - Calling Dr. Howard,

Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Agh!

Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Where is that noise coming from?

- Where is it? - Where can it be?

- Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard. - Look.

MOE: There it is.

Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

[MOANS]

They got me.

[IN UNISON] For duty and humanity.

[♪♪♪]