Original subtitles

Mark, a soft pretzel is not dinner.

That's dessert.

No, David,

the cinnamon sugar soft pretzel is dessert,

but the cheese pretzel can absolutely be dinner.

It's got no nutritional value.

Neither does lettuce, David.

No thanks, pal. I'm good.

Huh?

I'm not here to sign up for the Marines.

Yeah, I didn't ask you.

Yeah, but you were gonna ask me. You were thinking about it.

Actually, I wasn't.

Oh please. I see you sizing me up,

thinking "That guy's officer material."

And I get it, I mean I'm flattered, okay,

but I'm good. Seriously.

Yeah with all due respect,

I don't think you got what it takes.

Oh yeah? And what gives you that idea?

Because you're fat and you're old

and you've got cheese sauce on your face?

Okay, pfft. And you're the expert?

I'm a Navy Seal.

Oh wow, I did BUDS.

I carried some logs on a beach

and then I tied a knot in a pool.

Get outta here dude.

BUDS is the most challenging military training in the world.

You think you can handle that?

What are you, 5'8," 45 years old,

probably 200 lbs?

Yeah, but it's what's in here that counts.

What's that? A couple of soft pretzels?

Yo give me that sign up sheet.

You're gonna be feeling pretty silly

when I'm back here in a few weeks

with a beret greener than Kermit's ass.

Yeah that's the Army Special Forces.

You a writer?

I am actually, how 'd you know?

♪ Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory. ♪

♪ Until them robots came along. ♪

♪ And now there is no job for me ♪

♪ But I get 3,000 bucks a month ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much. ♪

♪ But we're still gonna try ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys ♪

Argh... Mark...

Hey hun.

You said you'd make the bed.

Uh, actually I said I'd think about making the bed

and I thought about it and I've decided that making

the bed is a waste of time

because you're just gonna mess it up again.

It's not about the bed. It's about the gesture.

This is a shared space, and I'd like it to look nice.

Sorry, Tam. I can't.

Hank and I are flying out to San Diego to start BUDS.

When I get back

you're gonna be married to a Navy Seal.

Oh nice. What's his name?

Mark Hoagies.

But they're gonna probably call me Eagle Eye or something.

I'm gonna be a sniper.

Or I'm gonna be one of the guys, you know,

that explodes the doors. Pow!

Okay, Rambo.

Well, Navy Seals can still make a bed.

Wish I could, Tam,

but my country needs me.

Paperwork in your right hand.

Bags in your left.

Line up shoulder-to-shoulder.

Now! Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Oh man, this is classic, right Hank?

Ha, ha... Classic.

Yo, I bet he's gonna like call us "maggots."

I am Chief Petty Officer Phillips.

From this point on you will refer to me as "Chief."

You will also respond with "aye" instead of yes.

Is that clear?

Aye Chief!

Sir Yes Sir! Crap. Aye Chief!

Yo, you see that bell, Hank?

That's the “Quitters Bell ”. No way I'm ringing that thing.

Here we go.

Take off those sunglasses, maggot.

Classic.

Hey!

Ah, c'mon.

Those were real Oakleys, boss.

It's Chief.

And I don't give a crap what they were.

Okay okay. I get it. All part of the show.

Well, Chief, bring it on.

'Cause I ain't ringing that bell.

Oorah!

You're absolutely right; you're never ringing that bell.

Because that bell is for "BUDS" Navy Seal training.

You are enlisted in

“Navy Reserve Reserves Basic Training! ”

So when you say reserve

do you mean like in whiskey how the reserve

is the special, elite batch?

No! This is the exact opposite of that.

Okay, well then I think I'm in the wrong place.

Let's go Hank.

Hey! You're not going anywhere.

You want to be in BUDS,

first you gotta make it past “Me ”!

No problem, Chief.

- Hey! Hank! - Huh?

Come on! Let's go.

Boom, now we're in Buds.

When did you become so patriotic?

Well I have a very special guest coming over

and I want him to feel comfortable.

Are you pledging a fraternity?

No, so I met this Navy Seal and-- get this--

he wants me to ghost write his memoir!

This could be my American Sniper!

And you're sure this guy's legit?

He's not just some random crazy dude you invited into our house?

Wow, Andrea.

This man is a decorated member of our military.

Show some respect!

Oh my god. He's here.

Out. Out. Okay, wow.

I can't be in my own living room?

No. You're giving off some real

anti-second amendment vibes.

The chopper dropped us about a mile from the village...

it was pretty rough terrain,

like the devil himself had dragged a claw

across the land...

me and the boys

we had no choice, we just pressed on,

I mean we had a job to do...

Wow. This is incredible.

And I'm sorry this was with Seal Team Six?

No.

This was Seal Team X.

Hm. Never heard of them.

Well there's a reason for that.

Ooooh. Juicy.

Oh it gets juicier, bud.

The tribe greeted us pretty warmly.

Simple people, but highly intelligent.

And what tribe was this?

The Pashtuns? The Tajiks?

The Schmagegglebops.

Hm.

And what was the mission again?

There was, like, a terrorist or something?

Argh, All we were told was that this was a high value target

and to execute on sight.

Only intel we had was that he was about 4'5" blue-skin,

big white beard with a giant gold jewel in his forehead.

Blue skin?

So is that like a ceremonial body paint thing?

No., no, no...

These guys are full on blue gnomes.

Then they got this radical sect

that's trying to ethnically cleanse the Dillydoos.

Dillydoos?

Yeah they're like these

orange fuzzy things with googly eyes.

Poor bastards.

Right.

Alright ladies,

hope you enjoyed your last sleep 'til Friday.

Are you ready for the hardest week of your life?

Oh hell yeah, Hank. Did you hear that?

We're just in time for Hell Week.

That's like the filet mignon of BUDS.

Uh, whose bed is this?

Mine, Sir.

What's your name?

Hoagies, sir.

But you can call me Eagle Eye.

That is my cool sniper name.

You've been here the whole time?

I don't recognize you.

I try to make myself invisible, sir.

It's a sniper thing.

How old are you?

Uh... twenty-five sir.

You're twenty-five?

Damn boy. You grew up hard, huh?

Uh... yeah it's uh... progeria.

What the hell is that?

Genetic disease that makes you look old, sir.

I'm sorta the GI Jane of progeria people, sir.

Right.

First you better make that bed, recruit.

Come on dude, we're elite special forces.

Can't we like get the army guys to make our beds or something?

You're not elite special anything.

You're not even a tadpole.

Make the bed. Now.

Ah, Yes sir.

Okay, let's see here...

Fold the sheet here.

That looks about right. That's right, yeah?

C'mon recruit. This is basic boot camp stuff.

Exactly! So let's go to the beach

and lift some logs. Come on.

Nobody leaves this bunk

until I can bounce a quarter off your bed.

Aw damn,

that's the tightest bed I've ever seen.

Yeah see that's no good.

Nobody actually wants to sleep in a bed like that.

It's not fluffy enough... sir.

Recruits. Get down and beat your faces

until Hoagies makes the bed.

Let's go Hoagies!

Aye sir.

Okay, uhhhh.

Just missed breakfast, boys. We'll stay as long as it takes.

Okay, come on.

I wanna see hospital corners!

Come on, Hoagies.

You're really letting your brothers down, Hoagies.

Relax, okay.

I'm working on it.

Alright, give me some space. Just give me some space.

You're all over me!

You guys are all over me.

Just get off!

I wanna go home.

I wanna go home. I wanna go home.

Well, I'll be damned.

Mark?

Back already, eh?

Missed you so much.

How was it?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Right. Well, I'm gonna go to work.

I'll let you do your thing.

Mark?

What's up?

I said I'm gonna go to work.

I assume you'll be getting into your next silly thing.

Buying a jackhammer or a snowmobile

or something stupid...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackmobile.

Snowhammer. Yeah. Got it.

You getting in, or...

Yeah hon, I just... need a second.

Huh?

Hey Mark.

Did you sleep in bed last night?

No, Ma'am. If I don't sleep in the bed

I don't gotta make the bed.

I didn't ask you to make the bed.

You were thinking it though.

Argh... No actually, I wasn't.

Sure. Yeah, you think I can't do it, eh?

Just like all the rest of them. Yeah?

You think I'm too dumb?

Uh... What?

Fine. I'll make the damn bed.

You think I can't make a bed?

I can make a bed, dammit!

I ain't afraid of damn, stupid sheets!

Okay...

well I'm going to work.

Blue people?

What're you writing Smurfs fan fiction?

I have no idea.

He keeps calling them like

Schmagegglebops or something.

Okay, David.

This guy is clearly crazy. You need to end this.

You want me to tell a Navy Seal

that I'm quitting after one session?

These guys are like obsessed with not quitting.

Do you really want to write this thousand page Avatar knockoff?

No, but...

you know how I am with confrontation...

David. Enough. Man up and end it.

Yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am.

Mark? ...Mark?

I can't do it.

Oh! It's okay.

You don't have to make the bed, Mark.

Oh! It's okay,

it's okay! Shhh.

Something happened to me over there.

Ah... over where?

Ever since I came back stateside, I just,

I haven't been the same you know.

Mark, you were in San Diego...

for a day.

Was I? Really? I just... Sorry it all blends together.

The point is, I...

It's just really hard for me to talk about.

You can tell me. It's okay.

I was surrounded...

everyone was yelling.

It was chaos. Sergeant's barking orders.

I see his lips moving

but... all I hear is like... ringing.

I knew the mission,

but... the stakes were so damn high, Tam.

It's like every time I put the fitted sheet on a corner,

the other side would pop off.

Hold on.

Are you talking about making a bed?

That's what this is about?

Yeah... It was horrible.

Oh you think it's funny?

You didn't see what I saw over there, okay!

You don't know what it's like being in the line of fire!

Mark hun, come on.

You're just feeling embarrassed

that you couldn't make it through bootcamp.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

You're trauma-shaming me!

I thought you supported the troops!

Pfft!

Embarrassed!?

That's ridiculous.

I'm actually proud because I got a very serious

and heroic condition that only brave soldiers get!

We didn't want to risk being spotted by the birds

near the wizard school, see,

cause you know,

sometimes the birds are actually wizard kids

doing that animal magic or whatever.

Right.

And where was this again?

Abracadabrastan.

Abracadabrastan.

Listen, I don't think I can do this.

Woah! What are you talking about?

I'm giving you great material!

I know. It's just...

I thought this was gonna be more of a memoir,

and instead you're pitching me Stargate meets

Smurfs meets Candyland or something, you know?

I'm telling you. I was there, man.

I got notes! Pages of notes!

This stuff is as real as it gets!

I know, I'm sure!

Listen, I can recommend a really good therapist if--

Hey man! I'm not crazy!

I need you to tell my story!

Well I can't write it if I don't believe it.

Well then, I'll show you.

You're coming on a ride along.

Yeah, I don't know if I have time for a ride along...

Alright sure! Sounds great.

Yo one more...

We're closing, friend.

Last call was thirty minutes ago.

C'mon dude. I got PTSD.

You look like you've had a long day.

Maybe it's time to go to bed.

What did you say to me?

Nothing.

I just said maybe it's time for bed. That's all.

Hey, man. It's okay. He didn't mean any harm.

You're a Seal, huh?

I don't really like to talk about it.

Hey man, I get it.

The name's Arnold.

What's up dude. Eagle Eye.

Eagle Eye. Cool name.

I had a feeling you was a sniper.

Oh yeah? Do I give off sniper vibes?

Big time. I bet you seen some stuff.

Oh dude. You don't even know, okay.

I got crazy PTSD actually.

Proud of you, man.

Not easy sharing our pain

but it's the first step towards feeling whole again.

So what's the second step?

For some, it's about moving on with life.

Finding joy in family or whatever.

But for other men,

the few,

the rare spartan breed of iron-hearted,

pain-guzzling sickos,

there's only one way forward...

and that's by going right back into hell,

the only forge hot enough to reshape us.

Damn dude. That's no joke.

So, you tell me.

What kind of man are you, Eagle Eye?

Uh... I'm gonna go with the second one.

That sounded like the cool one.

That's what I thought.

What's this?

An address.

Tomorrow night. 9pm.

So the rainbow-cano's in Nevada?

Are you sure you 're not thinking of Las Vegas?

Nah. This definitely ain't Vegas.

Woah!

Space gate? Seal Team X operator code

alpha two niner requesting permission to enter.

Uh. Permission granted.

Alright hold on to your helmet.

It's about to get weird.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

Oh my god!

Are we dead?

Nah, man.

You just traveled through a wormhole.

Holy crap.

You see that building at your three o'clock?

That's the Wizard school.

Woah! That's a real wizard student!

So, believe me now?

Oh yes! I am sorry I ever doubted you!

Well, good.

We should probably head back though

before the wizzies alert the Shmagegglebops.

You mean those little guys right there?

Wait what?

Oh crap.

Time to go. Brace yourself.

Wait what's the matter? They're adorable.

No. They're hostile.

Missile! Incoming!

Oh damnit,

brace for impact! We're going down!

Oh my god! Woah woah woah woah!

Well, look who showed up.

Yo, nice warehouse, dude, classic.

Eagle Eye, meet "The Expandables."

These guys are all ex-special forces, like you.

Live on beer, gear, and kickin' ass.

Damn these guys are no joke.

Oh. You ain't seen nothing yet.

Wait til you meet the new guy.

Goes by the name "Braindead."

Psycho graduated BUDS in four days,

and never once stopped smiling.

Ah. Here he is now.

Hank?

Oh hey Mark!

You missed Hell Week. It was super fun.

We played in the water. We ran around on the beach.

And get this, no bed time!

Ride's here.

Where we headed?

Rescue Mission.

Abracadabrastan.

Yoooo. That guy!

Ooh, wait 'til this dude sees

who's rescuing his ass. This is gonna be classic!

Please don't kill me!

Calm yourself. We are a peaceful people.

Don't trust anything he says.

Well, if you're so peaceful, why did he just hit my friend?

We only strike those who attack us first.

But aren't you guys like terrorists or something.

To the oppressor,

anyone who resists is a terrorist.

We are merely just fighting to preserve our way of life.

I worry that soon our culture

and rich traditions will be no more.

Our history wiped away. If we lose this fight,

who will tell our story?

Share our truth.

Share your truth? Well, guess what?!

I'm a writer.

You know, I sensed that.

Listen up,

we're headed to a highly secured compound.

Place is crawling with hostile extremists.

This could get messy. Let's gear up, boys.

Oooh. Love me a bit of messy.

Hey Eagle Eye, where's your kit?

Oh. Was I supposed to bring my own?

Wasn't on the little note you gave me at the bar there.

Take this.

Oh hell yeah.

This is just like Call of Duty.

Yo where's the thing that like cocks the...

I don't know about this wanker.

I looked this dude up.

And there's no trace of any military record.

I'm telling you, he's legit.

Whoops! Sorry about that. Somehow popped the safety off.

Yo can I get another gun? I think this one's a lemon.

We're clear.

Okay boys.

Sync you're watches. We move in two.

So Mark, you excited for your first combat mission?

Wait what?

Yeah. Mark had some problems making his bed

at boot camp so he quit,

but he's real good at Call of Duty.

He's been telling porky pies.

Seal Team X?

Man, this dude couldn't even make it through basic basic.

- Give me one good reason - Yo, chill.

why I shouldn't split your numpty noggin.

Because right now, we need every man we've got.

Yeah, you know

maybe I didn't make it through bootcamp,

but that's just because I'm not some

mindless conformist soldier.

I am a warrior in an army of one.

And believe me, when a poop hits the fan,

it's Eagle Eye you want up there in that sniper's nest,

watching your backs.

Oh you'll be watching our backs,

just not as a sniper.

Yo! Hey!

You take this.

Ooh. A detonator? Hell, yeah. Let's blow some doors, dude.

It's a walkie-talkie. You're on lookout.

You stay here and radio in

if you see any of these blue bastards enter the building.

Oh come on, really?

Just because I didn't make one stupid bed in boot camp?

It ain't about the bed.

It's about the details. It's about discipline.

It's about you showing your teammates

that you're willing to do the little things that in war,

mean the difference between life and death.

I get that you wanna spit lead and split heads,

but war ain't about what you want to do,

it's about what your team needs you to do,

and right now, we need you on lookout.

So, can we count on you, brother?

Sir, yes, sir.

Good.

Let's roll, boys.

Your way of life seems so... enlightened.

And so it remained until the portal opened

and your people entered

with your large guns and your loud flying machines.

They told us it was a peace-keeping mission,

but soon we learned why they were really here.

What!? Why?

For our natural resources. To steal our ancient magic.

Oh, give me a break.

I'm so sorry for what we've done to your people.

Why didn't you tell me the truth, Jack?

I did. Everything I told you was true.

These aren't the good guys, David.

- They're genocidal maniacs. - Help meeee.

You know what, Jack? You can find another writer

to spread your jingoistic propaganda.

I promise to share the real story--

the Schmagegglebop story.

Oh thanks, David. I knew not all humans were bad.

So what was it exactly that the military was after?

Tell me.

The life stones.

Harvested from deep inside the rainbow-cano,

these crystals grant their wearer

the power of invincibility.

Invincibility?

Mhm, anyone wearing this crystal

cannot be harmed.

Got em, we gotta go.

Oh my god. What did you do?!

Oh, hey David!

Hank?

But I thought he just said...

Yeah.

Like I told you, they're full of crap.

!

There you go, Dilly-bros.

You're free to go.

It ain't about the bed, it's about the discipline,

the details...

Yo you got this, soldier...

It's an ambush! Take cover!

Hey Mark.

Yo Hank. Just in time.

Pretzel Boy? Well I'll be damned.

So much blood.

So much death.

We gotta go, now.

Woah, woah, woah. Hold on.

You gotta check it out. Look at the bed.

Die!

Mark, watch out!

Argh!

Damn.

That's the tightest bed I've ever seen.

Yo I nailed it, right?

We lost everyone.

Yeah, it's a shame,

but listen, hey, if you want some flags folded...

I'm your guy.

Hey, uh

sorry I doubted you but if you want to meet tomorrow

for a little writing sesh you know...

I'm down.

I'm good.

Holy moly, Mark...

I'm impressed. So you okay now?

I'm more than okay. I'm proud.

Proud to serve my beautiful wife.

Hoorah, love you babe!

Oh wow. Okay.

Well soldier, for your next mission,

I need you to empty the dishwasher.

Let's not get crazy, okay.

Blue on Blue, a navy seal in Abracadabrastan.

Walter Isaacson?

Ah!