Original subtitles

No no no, see, you're not considering that

Oompa Loompas are basically super nurses.

I mean come on,

that one girl was basically a stage 4 blueberry and

they juiced her back to life in like a day.

No, no no. Completely wrong, okay?

A Gremlin would demolish an Oompa Loompa.

All you'd find is DNA evidence of its stupid little wig and

its little orange skin, okay? Guy did a whole video on it.

Ah, stupid ads.

Ew Mark.

You gotta skip a ten second ad that badly?

Yes, okay. It's a matter of principle.

I'm like the Postal Service. Okay, rain, sleet, snow,

buffalo sauce, I'm hittin' that skip button.

Oh my god!

No, it's fine. I got it.

No, I think that guy's choking.

Eh, he's fine.

No no no.

He's choking! He's choking!

Come on, work with me!

You okay, hon?

I- I think so. Thank you so much.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Just drink some water and you'll be fine.

Tam, you missed the whole part where he explains Oompa Loompas,

they could even have little Whangdoodles.

What?

You're not gonna acknowledge the fact

I just saved the guy's life?

I mean, I think you're being a little dramatic Tam, okay?

The guy was gonna be fine.

He was turning purple.

Listen, I just take a more measured approach before

rushing into a risky maneuver like the Heimlich.

I mean, if you don't know what you're doing,

you could crack someone's ribs.

Mark, I know what I'm doing.

I'm certified in advanced life support.

Yeah, well I'm trained in advanced...

real life hard knocks.

I think you're just embarrassed because your wife saved

a guy's life while you sat on your ass eating chicken wings

and watching videos about wangnoodles or something.

They're whangdoodles, Tam.

Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory

Until them robots came along

And now there is no job for me

But I get 3,000 bucks a month

Thanks to UBI

Now we're Universal Basic Guys

It may not sound like much

But we're still gonna try

We're just Universal Basic Guys

Hey, yo! Stop eating all my cookies.

What are you talking about, your cookies?

These are from Paul.

Paul? Who's that?

The guy from the restaurant. Read the note.

"For Tammy, my hero."

Yeah, okay, creep.

The hell is wrong with this guy?

He's not a creep, Mark.

This is what happens when you save someone's life.

People appreciate it. Unlike someone I know...

Oh c'mon, okay?

I think "hero" is a bit of a stretch okay?

You were in the right place at the right time.

Hah! Oh yeah?

How many lives you save this week, Mark?

How 'bout this month?

Have you ever saved a life?

I mean I'm just waiting for my opportunity, that's all.

And what are you gonna to do when that opportunity arises?

You haven't even taken a basic first aid class.

Nah nah nah. It's not about training, Tam.

It's about having the right stuff,

the guts to run into that burning building.

The courage to punch that shark, boom, right in the face.

Guys like me, being a hero?

It's in our blood.

Nuh uh. Life-savers only.

Mm. The taste of appreciation.

Pfft!

Right place. Right time.

Ah, here we go. Here we go.

!

Ooh! Damn.

You want a hot dog, Mark?

Come on Hank. Not now, okay?

We're here to save lives not eat hot dogs.

According to my police scanner app, there's already been

two accidents here today.

This whole intersection's a fricken black ice death trap.

Oh. Well, maybe we should... uh... move?

What are you talking about?

We're in a prime position right here.

The minute we see a crash, we swoop in,

pull 'em to safety, and bam,

we're getting cookies sent to the house

and Tammy's gettin' none of them.

And also we could save someone's life.

Yeah, also that, yeah.

!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh hell yeah! Let's go Hank! It's showtime.

Whoa.

Watch yourself Hank, okay?

This is a slippery situation here.

Ma'am. I need you to stay calm, okay?

We're gonna get you out of here.

Come on, come on!

Ah, the fricken door is locked.

Okay ma'am listen, I need you to unlock the door

so we can go in there and save your life.

Uh, maybe we should call 9-1-1?

Why would we do that?

So she can get help?

She's already got help.

Ow!

Hank, could you break the window?

Okay.

Yo this glass is no joke.

Probably bulletproof.

She might be a diplomat or something.

Whoa whoa whoa! Hank, are you nuts?

You're gonna crush that lady's head.

Throw it through the back window.

Okay, ma'am I'm coming in.

I'm coming in ma'am. I'm gonna help you.

I'm here to save, oh, ow.

Stand aside!

Whoa. Cool.

How you doin' pal? Okay, listen up.

I need your guys on crowd control, okay?

I need them securing this perimeter okay?

You, I need you holding my legs as I go through the back window

and pull the driver to safety. You got that?

Sir, I need you out of the way.

Nuh uh. Sorry, pal. This is my scene.

Can we get this guy out of here?

Alright bud, come on, back up, back up.

Ay come on. What the hell?

Is this how we treat heroes these days?

Hey Tom, fire up the Jaws.

Ahh!

Thank you.

Unbelievable

Man, firefighters are awesome.

Oh come on, they didn't do anything, okay?

The Jaws of Life did everything.

It's all about being in the right place at the right time,

and having the right tools.

Yeah but that's a hell of a tool.

Hell yeah it is...

Yoooo.

What's goin' on Hank?

You wanna grill up some dogs and watch the Flyers?

Not today Hank.

Check it out.

Whoa. Is that what I think it is?

Aw, you know it.

Jaws of Life baby!

We're gonna save so many lives with this bad boy.

Man. These instructions are no joke.

Oh, c'mon. Nobody reads that crap, Hank.

Just YouTube it.

Here's one: "How to use the Jaws of Life."

Oh come on, eleven minutes long?

Forget it. I'll just figure it out.

Alright Hank, so this is just a simple

grab-and-lift maneuver, okay? Basic stuff.

Yo after this I wanna test out those cutters.

Don't worry I got you.

So am I gonna get a Jaws of Life?

No, no Hank. You got a way more important job.

Oh, yeah?

Oh yeah. You're the kill switch guy.

That means you run the generator.

You give life to the Jaws of Life.

Whoa. How do I do that?

Okay, so you see this switch right here?

Yeah.

Okay. You flip that on and off.

Awesome.

Okay Hank. Fire it up.

What is going on here?

Yo stand back, Tam, okay?

This is a very powerful piece of machinery right here.

And how much did you spend on this?

You should know better than anyone.

You can't put a price tag on saving lives.

Hah, yeah, okay.

Well, I'm headed to the hospital to actually save lives.

Oh Geez.

Looks like I might not be the only one headed

to the hospital today.

Very funny, Tam. I know what I'm doing.

!

Boom! Nailed it.

Okay Mernft. Let me see that leg.

Actually you know what, I'm-- I'm good.

All engines, we got a minor stuck in the jungle gym

at Glantontown Elementary.

Holy crap, did you hear that, Hank?

Kid stuck in a jungle gym?

That's like a classic Jaws of Life opportunity.

Oh that's true.

Maybe we should call the firemen.

No, Hank. If it's on a scanner they already know about it

so we gotta get there quick!

Come on, let's go, go, go, go, go!

It's gonna be okay, sweetie.

The firemen are coming.

Uh oh. Looks like somebody's in a pickle!

But don't worry bud, I'm here to save your life.

Wh--, what? Save my life?

Mommy? Am I gonna die?

No no no.

It's gonna be okay sweetie.

Don't you worry.

Okay, okay.

We're gonna get you out of here, dude.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little confused here.

Are you with the fire department?

Nah. Even better. I'm with Hoagies FD.

"Hoagies FD?"

Oh, we're the best of the best.

The ones the firefighters call when they need rescuing.

Now just stay calm, buddy, okay?

It's totally safe what I'm doing here.

So how we doin' today?

Bad.

Ah c'mon. Let me tell you could be a lot worse, okay?

I've seen some stuff, okay?

I saw this one video, this guy under a train, friggin'

half his body's out there, organs are wiggling like it's

friggin' some android and aliens--

Yeah. Okay, let's not.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh here we go.

Everything's under control okay?

Oh god, this guy again?

Where'd you get that?

Yeah none of your jurisdiction pal.

Okay, pal.

Well this is not a Jaws of Life situation.

Are you kidding me?

This is a textbook Jaws of Life situation.

It's a three-minute wrench job.

Well, we don't have that kind of time.

Okay, I need you to stand back so we can do our job

and get those bolts off.

Uh excuse me, but maybe let the Jaws of Life Specialists

determine our approach.

Buddy, are you even trained on that thing?

Pffft! Was Schindler trained on how to make lists when

he saved a bunch of Jews?

Was Harriet Tubman trained on underground railroading?

Was friggin' Indiana Jones trained on pulling little

Asian boys out of Lava Pits?

No, I don't think so.

Guys like me, we are born with a PhD

in saving lives, buddy.

Hank, what the hell!

Hit the kill switch!

Man, these last few days the ER has been nuts.

If I ever find the dude who designed that intersection

I'm gonna put him in the emergency room.

Well, if it isn't my guardian angel!

Oh, hey... uh... Paul?

You remembered? Her coffee's on me.

Oh, you don't have to do that. You've already been so generous,

what with the restaurant tab and the cookie basket and all?

I insist. Heroes shouldn't have to pay for coffee.

You know... that is so true.

Ha, ha. Thank you.

See you around!

That was kind of weird.

Oh he's just appreciative. I saved his life.

But like, how'd he get your address?

I don't know... Google?

Oh!

Eh!

You okay, pal? You're doing great.

Yeah. I'm alright. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

I can't even feel my arm anymore.

There you go.

You were very brave.

In fact, I think you could be a firefighter someday.

Oh, my god, get a room.

Really? That's cool.

Get out of here, kid.

See? I told ya.

This was never a Jaws of Life situation...

But it is now.

Tom, grab the Jaws.

Let's cut this moron out.

There you go.

Hey, if you really want to be a hero,

next time, just call us.

Here. Stay out of trouble.

Okay well that was rude.

Yeah. He didn't even offer me a lollipop.

Friggin' knock off piece of crap.

Thing snap like a twig.

I guess those firemen got the better tools, eh?

Hmm... Not for long.

Whoa! Is that the fricken Hoagie Brothers?

Hey, Artie.

How's it goin' Artie?

Ah you know, keepin' busy.

Ah you know I still can't believe they let you go, man.

I mean with all those new robots in the factory

you'd figure they'd still need a technician, right?

Yeah well, apparently those Humantis robots

got other robots who do the fixing.

Wait, so who fixes the robots that fix the robots?

It's robots all the way down, Hank.

Whoa.

So I know youse ain't here for a welfare check.

What do youse need?

I call it The Exoskeleton of Life.

What is this, your fricken arts and crafts project

from when you were eight?

No Artie, it's the ultimate life saving tool.

Can you build it or not?

Yeah, of course I can build it.

The question is why the hell would I?

Uh, how about to save lives?

Eh. I don't really like people.

C'mon, Artie. Just imagine me in this thing, smashing glass,

slashing through steel, prying open hunks of burning metal...

It'll be awesome!

Oh man, that sounds like a freakin' disaster.

I'll do it.

When she opened up the freezer,

what she found was... a human head.

Oh!

Oh...

Paul.

Haha, yep.

So I realized I sent you chocolate chip cookies before,

but then I saw on your IG that you're more of an oatmeal

cookie enthusiast so I was kicking myself and decided,

ah what the heck, I'll just bring her

some oatmeal cookies. Hehe.

Paul, you really don't have to do this.

You've already done more than enough.

Oh get outta town!

Tammy, you gave me my life back.

This is nothing.

Okay well, have a nice day.

"Oatmeal cookie enthusiast"?

2014?

Okay Hank, you ready?

Yeah. Let's go.

Fire it up.

Whoa.

Uh, did I pull the string too hard or?

What the hell, Mark?

You can't wait five seconds for the door to open!

Yo Artie you killed it, man.

This thing is too fricken awesome.

Alright, let me show you what you're working with.

So let's see. You got your spreader tool. You got your ram.

Your circular saw.

Right here you got your extendable grabber claw.

On your hip is a wideband police scanner

and I even built in a hot dog cannon in case you need a snack.

Awesome.

Hell yeah. C'mon, Hank.

Time to go lend a helping hand.

!

Man, we're really making a difference

in the community Mark. Feels good, eh?

Hell yeah.

Yo Tam check it out, I just saved a life.

Hon, that's a cat.

Cats are people too. You ever heard of Garfield?

How about you give up this charade and I'll let you

have some of my cookies.

Paul just dropped off another box.

Wait what!? Oh, come--

I told you that guy was a fricken weirdo dude.

No he's just a... a nice guy,

who's... really, really... uh... appreciative.

Yeah well you know what, I'm good.

I'm getting my own cookies. Later, hon.

Yo, ma'am, can I get some cookies for that?

You totaled my car.

Pfft okay whatever.

We've got an overturned school bus on the corner

of Maple and Western...

Oh no, that sounds pretty bad.

We gotta call the fire department.

No, Hank! An overturned school bus!?

That's like the filet mignon of saving lives, okay!

We're gonna be swimming in cookies. Lets go!

Where do you think you're going? I need your information!

Sorry, ma'am, I got lives to save.

What the hell is it with this guy?

Tammy, you need to block this dude.

I mean maybe he's from the Midwest or something

and we're not used to being treated the way that--

Oh my god!

Jasmine he's still here.

What!?

Tell him to get lost and call Mark, now--

Okay, okay, I gotta go.

No thank you!

I insist!

No.

Ew!

Ahh!

How the hell did you get in?

Oh, I just let myself in through the chimney.

Sorry to get all Santy Claus on you!

Hahaha.

Anyway, I got you flowers!

Enough!

You need to get your ass out of my house right now.

I don't understand. I thought you liked tulips.

Hey!

Ah come on! Out!

I was just trying to show my gratitude!

You're my guardian angel, my hero!

We have a special connection!

No. I'm not a hero, and I'm not your guardian angel.

I'm just a fricken nurse.

I save lives every day. It's just part of the job.

But you need to be appreciated!

Nuh uh. I don't need any more appreciation.

I need you to leave. Or else I'm gonna get you a gift, pal...

a restraining order!

Daddy does not do rejection well.

Alright children I need you to all remain calm.

For I am here to save you.

Where the hell are the kids?

Oh no we're too late. They're already ghosts.

Ah are you kidding me! Fricken first responders.

Ugh. What a day. Ugh.

Oh great, now the fricken power

is out too.

Man this grid's a joke.

Tax dollars hard at work eh?

Whoa there, Bryce Harper.

What's with the bat? Everything okay?

Oh yeah no all good just um...

power's out and you never know if some weird creep

might happen to... not that there would be but you know...

with all the cops busy dealing with all the chaos and all

I'm just keeping an eye out.

Oh my god. Wait a minute. You're right!

It's perfect!

There's probably accidents galore.

This is like the gold rush of saving lives right here!

Right place. Right time. Right tool...

and not enough first responders.

Hank! Fire up the suit!

Aw what in the hell, Mark!?

Sorry Tam, there's people out there who need me.

I tried to be nice to you, Tammy.

Grrr, I treated you like an angel.

And if you don't want to be my angel,

then I'm gonna send you to hell.

Woah!

Oh boy Hank. We got a live one baby!

Right place, right time, right tools...

and no firefighters in sight.

Oh geez. You're right.

I'm going in!

We did it, Mark. We saved this guy's life!

Hell yeah, I did!

We're eating gift basket cookies tonight, baby!

Uh huh.

Wait. Do I know you from somewhere?

You saved me...

It's all good, bud.

You know, I'm just a good samaritan who happens to

like double chocolate chip cookies, so you know...

Uh, I think he's choking, Mark.

Oh, that's who this guy is.

Uh, maybe we should give him the Hitler Maneuver?

The Heimlich?

Oh is that it?

Okay come 'ere. Come 'ere.

Alright...

Uh... you want me to find a YouTube tutorial?

Nah nah nah, I got this, okay?

It's basic stuff.

Come on, you son of a bitch. Come on, get it out.

Spit it out. Come on, buddy pop the dog, pop the dog.

Pop it out. Pop, pop, pop.

You know what?

I think we all learned an important lesson today:

When the Grim Reaper decides it's time,

there's really no special tool that can get in his way.

Sometimes it's just your time...

I got him. I got him. Move!

Whoa! Okay.

Yo what the hell?

How do they always get here so fast?

Wait, Hank. Did you call the fire department?

Yeah.

Why the hell'd you do that?

I don't know. I thought they could help.

Dammit Hank. Let's get out of here.

Argh!

My...

new... hero.

Don't worry about it, pal. Just doing my job.

Well can I at least, I don't know,

buy you a beer or something?

I-- I don't normally... eh... you know what?

What the hell. It's been a long day.

I mean really, who the hell's this Heimlich guy anyway?

Some German pervert running around humping people

and one day a piece of steak flies outta someone's mouth,

and now he's a freakin' Thomas Edison of choking?

Pfft. I don't buy it.

Oh yeah.

You're nuts.

Shaggy would eat sandwiches like

two feet high in one bite.

Nah Tam, wouldn't even be a contest, okay?

Alf has eight stomachs.

Yeah but he only eats cats.

No no no. He ate all kinds of stuff okay?

The cats were just a delicacy.

So, how was your first aid class?

Eh, not for me.

Hank said you fell asleep.

I mean well it's just, you know, by the thirtieth

chest compression it's like, I get it.

Coming up at 11:

A Glantontown firefighter kills a home intruder with an axe,

after the man apparently... - Oh my god.

entered his house through the chimney.

Somebody help!

He's choking!

Uh, we'll take the check.