Original subtitles

Whoa... is that like a uh, Van Gogh?

Nah, nah Hank. It's this girl on Etsy,

she does these like, hysterical pet portraits.

I had her do one of Tammy's old dog Rollins for her birthday.

Oh man that is hysterical, Mark.

Tammy's gonna love it.

Yeah, I know. I thought so, too.

But then I found out some surgeon she works with

got her a freakin' $200 gift card to some fancy spa.

Yo, that's no good, Mark. He's clearly trying to bang her.

I know, right! Who the hell does this

creep think he is, getting my

wife some overpriced woo woo yoga crystal massage BS?

Ooh, that does sound kinda nice.

Yo this guy's good, okay?

She's gonna be all oiled up, getting rubbed down,

all while thinking about that doctor.

If you don't wanna get cucked here,

you gotta get her something real special.

Mimi go uppie.

Mimi go uppie! Let's go, come on, uppie?

Never gonna happen, Jinglebells!

Could you not?

I'm trying to build her self - esteem.

I think she's a little insecure around the

poodles at Doggy Daycare.

David, let me ask you something.

How would you feel if some dude at Andrea's

work got her a $200 spa card?

Great. She deserves it.

She works really hard.

Mark, you're asking a guy who's getting alpha'd by

a fricken' foo foo dog.

I'm not being alpha'd.

I'm being a "supportive girl dog dad".

I want her to feel dominant.

You know Mark, uh, maybe you should surprise

Tammy with a new puppy.

Nah, nah, nah, don't get her a dog.

If you really want to knock her socks off, you should

get her an exotic pet.

The only thing women love more than an exotic pet

is a man who knows how to handle an exotic pet.

Oh, hell yeah!

Hank... we're goin' to the sketchy zoo!

Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory

Until them robots came along

And now there is no job for me

But I get 3,000 bucks a month

Thanks to UBI

Now we're Universal Basic Guys

It may not sound like much

But we're still gonna try

We're just Universal Basic Guys

Now this is how you zoo.

There's no rules. You got the real plastic straws, you

got these untrained ex-cons working with the animals.

I mean anything could happen at this kind of place, okay?

You can literally see one of these zookeepers

get their head ripped off.

Uhh, you sure these animals should be pets, Mark?

Now, Hank, you gotta have the vision with these things, okay?

Dogs weren't pets until someone had the balls

to domesticate wolves.

Ooh, what about a baby tiger?

Now that's a cool pet.

Aw, Hank, baby tigers grow up to become big tigers, pal.

Oh, hm.

You know, they should make tigers

that stay small like ponies.

Yeah, they're called House Cats.

Yeah, you should get one of those.

Hank, I didn't drive eight hours to an exotic zoo

to buy her a fricken house cat.

I need something that's gonna blow that

spa gift card outta of the water.

Ooo yeah. Monkey time!

Now we're talking.

Oh man. I love a good monkey.

They just always seem so happy.

Tammy would go nuts for a pet like that.

It's like a dog 3.0.

Woah, It's the guy from the sign!

Doc Tropics. Welcome to my zoo.

Yo, this place is incredible. Incredible.

Well, thank you.

Did you happen to catch our junior tiger handler

getting her hand bitten off?

Ooh boy, that was a show!

Aw damn, we missed it,

but you know, we're loving these monkeys you got here.

Oh, yes. They're such majestic creatures.

Let me ask you something. How much uh,

one of these things go for?

Chimps usually run around 60 grand.

Whoa, that's no joke.

You think you could do something closer like,

I don't know, three grand or something?

Huh, well I'll tell you what.

I do have one chimp who might fit your budget,

but he's not exactly in mint condition.

Okay, okay. That's not bad, that's not bad.

Yeah he's uh... something.

I think he was used in a few minor medical experiments,

but don't worry, he was mostly in the control group.

Hank, we gotta do this, right?

This thing's a freakin' steal!

Yeah, but aren't monkeys like a lot of responsibility?

No, Hank. They're highly intelligent,

self sufficient creatures. Set it and forget it.

You sure Tammy's gonna be into this?

Are you kidding me? She's gonna be through the roof.

What the hell is this?

It's your new pet monkey!

Happy birthday!

You went and bought a chimpanzee without asking me?

It's called a birthday surprise, Tam!

I thought you wanted a pet.

Yeah, I wanted a dog.

Oh come on, Tam, a dog is a low ceiling pet.

At best it can help a blind person across the

street or smell a bomb on a plane or something.

But a monkey That's a HIGH ceiling pet.

Now just imagine you're watching Summer House Reunion, you got

the monkey, it's wearing a funny little outfit, it's serving you

White Claws, I mean, come on!

That's a dream pet right there.

Oh my god!

Relax. It's fine, it's fine, okay?

The guy showed me what to do.

You connect this thing to the nerve thingy here back

here, and you just push until you hear a suction sound.

Boom. All good.

Ah, crap.

So not only did you buy a chimpanzee,

you bought a sick chimpanzee?

Pfft! Okay, that's all superficial.

This is a fixer upper!

Mark, do you even understand

that chimps are like, WAY

too dangerous to keep as pets?

Like, this is no joke here!

What the hell are you talking about?

They're like the friendliest animals on the planet.

Yeah, until they rip your friggin face off.

Pfft! This little sweetheart?

Get outta here.

I'm going to work, Mark.

When I get back, this chimp better be out of here.

Aw, don't take it personally, monkey.

Damnit, Hank.

Mimi! Mimi, come on. Uppie!

Mimi go uppie!

Uh. It's okay. Maybe we could just take a quick pic?

David... help!

What the hell? Mimi, stay.

Whoa! Ah, um... I'm gonna call 911.

No, no. Don't... call... police.

Snake is... illegal.

What? Oh of course it is. Uh...

Wha... wha... what are you doing with that?

I don't know. I was gonna stab it.

Cut its head off or something.

No! No...

You-- You can't kill it... okay?

This... this thing's worth seventy five grand.

What!? What are you, Britney Spears?

Who the hell owns a $75 000 snake?

Some people enjoy a high end exotic.

Oh, yeah. Seems like you're really enjoying it.

Hey, could you just... friggin'...help me get it off?

You know, maybe if you showed it more affection,

it wouldn't try to kill you.

Here, let me try something.

Aw, there there. I know,

Some people don't understand animals, or anything.

But look, I'm here and you're loved. You're appreciated.

Oh my god.

!

Okay monkey, we only gotta do this for a little bit

until we can teach you how to use a big boy bathroom.

Come on just let me-- Come on dude,

this is for your own good, okay?

All the pet monkeys on YouTube wear diapers.

Uh, I don't know if he's into this.

Come on, come on. Relax, Hank, okay?

You just gotta establish that I'm the alpha.

Oh my god.

Hey Mark, it ripped your face off.

Yeah, I'm aware, Hank.

!

Ah, I forgot my keycard.

Oh, crap. Tammy's back.

Everything okay in there?

All good, hon!

!

Okay, don't say anything about the face, okay?

The last thing I need is her raking me over

the coals right now.

Uh...

Oh my god, it's dead!

I knew that poor thing was sick!

Tammy, it's just taking a nap, okay?

Well, why is it still here?

Relax, we're taking it back, okay?

But not because it's dangerous or rips off faces.

Pfft, Ridiculous.

We're doing it because...

I'm gonna to be the bigger man,

I'm going to respect your decision.

Uh... are you okay, Mark? Why won't you look at me?

I'm fine I'm just... I'm trying to... I'm trying to measure...

something... on the wall here... okay?

20 feet... 30 feet... I got the 40 feet...

Okay, this'll be the perfect dimensions for the...

uh for the, uh, wainscoting.

Ah, whatever, Mark. Just get rid of it.

Ok here's the deal. That son of a bitch sold us a lemon!

This monkey has fricken rabies or something.

Okay, you're gonna take it back to Doc Tropix

and get a refund, you got it?

You want me to do that like by myself or?

Yes Hank, okay? I gotta go to the hospital and

get my face fixed before Tammy finds out.

Doesn't Tammy work at the hospital?

Won't she uh, see you?

She's not gonna recognize me. I got no face.

I'll just use a fake name. Boom.

Okay, Mr. Rambo. So the good news is your initial

facial reconstruction was a success.

So my face is good to go?

No, no.

Your face-- how do I put this

in layman's terms, is a mess.

We sewed you up and threw on a pair of temporary lips so you

can eat, but you're going to need extensive plastic surgery.

Hold on, hold on, what do you mean temporary lips?

Do I got like some dead guy's lips or something?

No, no.

Oh okay, cool. Phew!

We used tissue from a pig scrotum.

Alright, the nurse will be

in here shortly to

remove your bandages.

Appreciate it.

Mr. uh, Rocky Rambo.

Oh, geez.

How are you feeling today?

Hola! No hablo inglés.

Oh, do you want me to bring in a translator?

Uh, es ok, es ok I... uh, I... understand.

Ok.

So I'm gonna remove your bandages and make sure

everything is healing before the plastic surgeon examines you.

No, no! No, no, I no ready!

I no ready!

Oh, it's okay. Just hold still.

This'll be quick.

All done, Mr. Rambo.

The plastic surgeon will be in shortly.

You're gonna love him. He's the best.

Aw thanks, Tammy. You're the best.

Happy birthday, by the way.

Oh thank you.

So, did you get to the spa yet?

Not yet, but I'm VERY excited.

You should be. The place is incredible.

You're gonna get a facial you'll never forget.

Alright, let's see what's going on here.

Hmm... looks like a clean degloving.

Good news Mr. Rambo,

you're a perfect candidate for a new experimental

procedure I pioneered.

All we need is a couple pictures of you before the

accident, and then we 3D print stem cells to create an

exact replica of your face.

Okay, that sounds dumb.

Oh no. This new treatment will be a game changer for

victims of car accidents, severe burns or even

chimp attacks like yourself.

Wait. Did you say chimp attack?

Yeah.

Probably not the best idea to keep a chimp as a pet,

right Mr. Rambo?

Hmm. Hold on...

Oh my god.

Are you frickin' kidding me? Mark?

You know Mr. Rambo?

He's my husband. I don't believe it.

I told you that thing was going to rip your face off.

Really? I'm sitting here with no freaking face

and now you're gonna bust my balls about it?

Did you really think I wasn't going to find out that your

whole freaking face is missing?

Listen, I can probably do this procedure right now.

Did you hear that, Mark? You better thank your

lucky stars for Dr. Johnson.

He's gonna do the procedure today.

Nah, I'm good.

What do you mean you're good?

Yeah, I don't need some weird experimental surgery from

this friggin' bozo over here.

The hell you don't. Have you seen your face?

Hm. Not bad, actually. I actually think it gives

me a little uh, character. You know what I mean?

Anyway, I got things to do. I'll see you at home, Tam.

Argh... Damnit!

Hello, Hank.

What the -?!

Monkey!

Ah! Please don't rip off my face!

Relax. Watch road.

Wait a minute. Is that... you?

Are you speaking, Monkey?

Yes.

What the heck?

Pull over. Gas station.

Uh... okay.

Why?

You need gas.

Oh, yeah.

And I need bananas.

I don't see what the big deal is, Tam, okay?

A lot of cool dudes have disfigured faces.

Yeah, like who?

Uh, the Phantom of the Opera. Freddy Krueger.

I don't know if I would consider Freddy Krueger

a cool dude, Mark.

Ok what about the uh, The Kiss From a Rose guy?

Uh, what's his-- Seal!

He's got a messed up face and he was married

to Heidi fricken Klum!

He's got a few scars.

Your face looks like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

You know what?

I may be the one with the messed up face, but you're

the one who's unrecognizable.

All the sudden you don't like animals, you're going to fancy

spas, and now you're telling me to get plastic surgery!

You know, no one else here seems to care about my looks.

Yous all ready to order.

Oh god...

I mean... sorry... hi.

Can I start you off with a face?

I mean, uh, can I get you a face?

I mean can I face you a drink? I mean--

Can I just get a tomato soup and a tuna melt? Thanks.

You want a face with that?

Sorry, I meant fries.

Do you want fries with that... face?

Yeah.

Okay. And do you want that open-faced?

Alright, c'mon, enough, alright?

No I actually meant to ask that.

Oh. Ok sure.

Yeah and uh, let me get the number five.

Mark, you got coffee coming out of your cheek.

I'll get you some napkins.

Tam, it's all about attitude, okay?

You see a hole in my face, I see two mouths!

Oh yeah, and it's just what I need on you:

two mouths.

Hey, one for talking, one for eating, baby!

Relax, I no rip off face.

You ripped off my brother's face.

He was mean jerk.

You are nice, beta. No threat.

Oh thanks, yeah.

So like uh, when did you get all smart and stuff?

Do not know.

Been in many medical experiments.

I wish I was smart.

Knowledge is suffering. Much I know, I would rather not.

So you excited to get back to your old buddies at Doc Tropixs?

No. They will euthanize me.

What's wrong with that?

Don't you want to be young again?

No, that's not what euthanize mean.

They will put me to sleep.

Oh well, rest might be good after these last few days.

No, Hank. Doc Tropixs will kill me.

Wait, what!? Why would he do that?

People no pay see old, broken animal.

I be already dead if you guys did not bang me.

Uh... what?

Sorry. Autocorrect.

I'd be already dead if you guys did not buy me.

Well if he's gonna kill you, I'm not taking you there.

Is okay, Hank. I am mess.

No family. No troop. Too much time in tiny cage.

Injected with many medicine. I have many disease.

Body hurt. Eyeballs no stay in head.

Better for me to end.

Oh I don't know, Monkey. Come on,

there's gotta be something that brings you joy.

There is one thing I've always want to do.

I get this.

Whoa. Where'd you get that?

I take from Doc pocket. Here you take.

I don't know, Monkey.

Consider as refund for broken pet.

I mean Mark did ask me to get his money back.

No give to brother. Money only for Hank.

Yeah but it's Mark's money you know,

he paid for you and everything.

For duck's sake Hank, no spend life being used by others.

You gave me best day of life.

You deserve such day yourself.

Whoa, was this really the best day of your life?

Yes. Well, up there

with time they inject me with MDMA.

I don't think playing dead is working, Jinglebells.

Well, that's because most dead people don't talk!

You got better ideas?

Huh? Maybe call it a snowflake over and over?

Would you chill?

Every time you freak out, it squeezes harder.

Why couldn't you just get a slow loris or a sugar glider?

There's plenty of illegal exotic pets that aren't gonna EAT YOU!

Nah this is just kind of territorial thing, okay?

They rarely eat humans.

Seems like it's trying to,

it just can't get past your cankles.

Hey! Chronic edema is a serious medical condition.

Okay so what do these things eat?

Mostly small to mid-size animals.

Mimi no!

Yes Mimi!

Yes Mimi!

You go girl! You got it!

Sorry, Mernft.

I know that snake meant a lot to you.

Eh, not really. I was just looking to flip the thing.

Anyway, it is what it is. Life goes on.

Uh... except for the 15 foot deadly snake on the loose?

Nah. That thing will be dead in a day.

Yes Mimi! Hi! Oh, you're such a good girl!

David...

I was thinking, uh, you know, maybe you could

come live with me.

I don't know, Hank.

I don't want to be too much trumpet...

Trouble.

No way, it'll be fun.

Maybe.

Hey, Monkey, uh, wanna get some breakfast?

Hey, Monkey?

Monkey!

Monkey wake up!

Monkey! Monkey, wake up!

Monkey, monkey. No!

No Monkey. No.

Ah what the hell, Tam?

Why can't you just love me for who I am, okay?

This is my face now.

It's not about your face, Mark.

It's that you can easily fix it and for some reason you won't.

Uh yeah. Because I'd rather have a messed up

face than one fixed by Dr. Fifty Shades of.

Grey's Anatomy who is clearly trying to bang you!

Wait a minute I'm sorry, what?

Who the hell gets someone's wife a $200 spa card, okay?

That's what this is about?

Yeah. It is.

What are you doing?

I'm sleeping on the couch

so you won't have to look at me.

Damnit.

Mark, what is this?

Eh nothing, it's just some stupid birthday gift

I thought would be funny.

This is HYSTERICAL, Mark!

Yeah it is pretty hysterical, right?

Hon, this is so fricken thoughtful.

Why didn't you just give me this?

I was going to, and then uh... you come in

all excited about Dr. Sleezebag's little card.

Yeah I got 200 dollars, and I'm like forget it,

I'll get you something else.

Are you kidding me?

This is way better than some stupid spa card.

Besides, 200 bucks is like a 15 minute massage at that place.

But you know what the best gift would be?

I don't know, baby tiger?

Dick's Sporting Goods gift card.

No... I want my husband's handsome face back.

I mean I'm not gonna lie... It was pretty good face eh?

So will you get the damn surgery?

This whole thing is absurd.

Yeah, I guess it is kind of hard to eat wings

with a pig's sack for lips.

Oh, thank God. Come here, you.

Wait a minute...

when you say "pig's sack" do you mean...

oh, my god.

Well you can always kiss the second mouth.

Come on, last chance...

Yeah. No chance.

And here's your banana smoothie.

Awesome.

Anything else I can get you, Mr. Hoagies?

Yeah, you know what... Uh... let me get one of them

uh, woo woo yoga crystal massages.

You got it.

Oh yeah.

Whoops.

Hmm.