Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much-respected officer yesterday.

That is not true. We played the prank on Mr Ackerman, sir.

- I mean Mr Ackerman. - Oh, I see.

What happened?

We inserted a capsule of the truth serum sodium Pentothal into his aspirin inhaler.

Which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for being late,

saying he'd been having jiggy-jiggy with the science officer's wife,

and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit.

Permission to snigger, sir.

Permission refused.

May have to snigger anyway, sir.

- Do either of you have anything to say? - About what, sir?

About Mr Ackerman. About him being late and wearing a Batman outfit.

Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change would be much quicker.

You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you wanna get out ever?

It's just that Mr Ackerman's so...

...horrible, sir.

I am not, sir!

I'm extremely nice!

Lovely, in fact.

Warm, caring, but most of all, nice.

Hence my nickname - Nicey Ackerman. That's why I entered the service, sir -

so I could share my sunny disposition with inmate scum who didn't have my start in life.

He's been horrible from the day we met him.

Today, we have a new intake.

To them I say, obey the rules,

keep out of trouble, and your time here will pass much more pleasantly.

Welcome to floor 13.

He seems like a nice guy.

If you want to speak, ask my permission.

- I was just saying how nice you seemed. - You spoke again.

I was paying you a compliment, buddy!

I was saying you seemed to be a fair-minded guy, not one of these psycho types.

You spoke again!

Come on. Back me up.

Hang on. Wait. I get it. I'll shut up.

I'll shut up. Now stop hitting me.

That is definitely...

- That is totally untrue, sir. - Save it, Mr Ackerman.

I thought long and hard about a suitable punishment and I've come up with this.

You and a team of your choice

will play basketball against a team of guards led by Mr Ackerman.

God bless you, sir.

Where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate population.

If we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp.

You'd better win, then.

Here, guys. Way to go!

- You were supposed to be picking up Rice. - I did. We're meeting for drinks on Thursday.

- Not that kind of picking up, you ninny! - We gotta stop arguing. We can't lose this.

- It's all taken care of. - As soon as the guards swig their juice.

A skutter's got something out of the medi lab - that stuff that helps impotent guys.

- Boing, the virility enhancement drug? - Yeah. We've Mickey Finned their drinks.

Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation. It doesn't wear off for seven hours.

Those guys are going to be like catapults! That will seriously slow them down.

Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!

Get out there and kill. They're lambs to the slaughter.

Go on.

(WHISTLE)

Come on. Get your hands up!

Get your hands on the ball and shoot!

Seven hours.

Do you know how long that is?

I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight.

When I wanted a leak, I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat.

I stopped the lift doors from closing - I wasn't even catching a lift.

- Did it come from the medi lab? - Yes.

How? If it was one of those damn skutters, I'll have it crushed.

It was me, sir, when the doc's back was turned. I went to the medi lab for a sick note,

but the doc didn't accept it was possible to have athlete's hand.

First thing tomorrow, you're on spud duty for two weeks.

Now get out of my sight, both of youse.

Hah!

- (LISTER SIGHS) - Stuck?

- Yeah. God, this is hard! - Are you doing a crossword?

No, join the dots.

- What number are you stuck on? - 124.

124...

124...

Have you tried 125?

I know the number. It's finding it that's the hard bit.

I'm not some brain-dead simpleton.

Ah, there it is.

Look at that. It's a bucket and spade!

It's clever that, isn't it?

Ah, supper!

Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.

I've seen things more appetising on the floors of elephant houses.

Only a total idiot would eat this.

They call this meat?

My grandmother's buttocks deep-fried in old chip fat would taste better than this.

We're on the punishment menu now.

- No chips, no ice cream. - Because we're on punishment detail?

Yeah. Kill Crazy says this is cloning experiments that have gone wrong

with gravy slopped over to disguise it.

You waited until I was swallowing to say that, didn't you?

He swears he got something with two noses in it.

He didn't. They can't do that. It's illegal.

His starter sneezed.

- Jimbo Steele was a witness. - Kill Crazy's insane.

He's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons when they flush a loo on a plane, it drops out.

That's why you can't go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway -

for fear of skid starts.

- He's probably right. - Of course he isn't.

- Why else won't they let you go? - I don't know.

Maybe they're helping you break up the journey.

If you went first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your cheese.

Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses on the flight path are so cheap.

- Because of all the flushing planes? - Think about it.

You can't sunbathe or have a barbecue,

and you have to go out in a washable hat and leg it to your car.

It's the noise. Houses on the flight path are cheap because of the noise.

The noise? But they're half a mile up.

You'd never hear people on the loo from that distance.

- Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan. - Not eating?

Yeah. In a minute.

(TAPPING)

Tee-hah!

Ooh! Chicken vindaloo!

Nice one, Bob!

You didn't forget the poppadoms, did you?

Here's something for you.

- Same time tomorrow. - (SQUEAKY KISS)

Cheers.

Did he get the stiffening solution for the basketball game?

Yeah, he can get anything, can Bob.

- A claw in every pie! - Tomorrow, we're on spud duty,

and those knives are as sharp as a chemistry teacher's cardigan.

Can he get us a couple of good potato peelers?

Hang on. I'm onto something here.

Forget the potato peelers. We want one of those programmable viruses from the science block.

Programmable what?

They were on Z deck. I wonder if the nanos have reconstructed them.

You can programme them to do anything you want. You name it.

We could programme them to eat the potato skins and leave the rest intact.

We wouldn't have to lift a finger.

Two weeks of hell would become potato paradise.

I'll get on the blower to Bob's missus. She'll take a message.

- Bob's got a missus? - Yeah, Madge. She's amazing.

0 to 60 in under ten minutes.

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING IN RESPONSE)

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

(SINGLE TAP IN RESPONSE)

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

- (TWO TAPS) - (TWO TAPS)

(EXCHANGE OF RAPID TAPPING)

- (TWO TAPS) - (THREE TAPS)

- Damn! - Can't they help us?

No. Wrong number.

I got the Chinese laundry.

Do you need anything ironing?

Remember, two entire battalions went missing from this ship. Vanished without trace.

We must stick together and remain vigilant.

You lose concentration for a split second,

and you're all alone and easy pickings for some hostile life-form.

I know you think I'm a fusspot when it comes to safety procedures,

but it's staying alert that has kept us all...

Kept us...

(TINY VOICE) Hello.

Oh, Creator! I'm on my own.

Hey, buddy. We're in here.

What is the point of my "Stay alert, everyone" pep talk if no one is listening?

- What? - Look at this.

What are they, Hol?

They look uncannily like something you should be very afraid of.

- What? - Mime artists.

They chase you in trendy town centres and freeze when you look at them.

- Everyone laughs at you. - I've never seen this before.

A group of men who display the normal life signs but seem incapable of movement.

Never seen QPR play away, then.

"Tempus." That's Latin for "time".

I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships.

Somehow, this device has caused time to freeze. Obviously, they used it erroneously.

Where did...

...you come from, and how did...

...you get hold of that?

It's some kind of tem...

...porary sto...

...rage unit.

Extraordinary!

This could be a great device for settling arguments!

Don't mess...

...with that thing. It can re...

...ally screw...

...ooh-ooh-ooh...

...you up.

It appears to digitise time and then download it and store it on a hard drive.

This pure time can then be uploaded into objects or places.

- To freeze people? - They're not frozen.

- They're operating in a different time stream. - So they're moving, but slowly?

About the same speed as the average Little Chef waitress.

That's why they don't appear to be doing anything.

So this device has the ability to make time come to a complete stop. What else can it do?

What's happened? Kryten, why are you so big,

and why do I suddenly feel like a Vimto?

Wagh! You gotta get me back to normal!

Do something. I can't go back like this!

Why not? You may only be three feet tall, but you're both as cute as buttons.

- What's happened to my hair? - And what's happened to mine?

You look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision Song Contest.

It seems to have restored your hair to a previous time period to the rest of you.

It's regressed your outfits to a previous time.

You still look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision Song Contest.

Here's a question. Can you unfreeze these guys

but take them back in time so they have no memory of finding this?

- I think so. Why? - If we can smuggle this thing onto Red Dwarf,

it can make our prison terms pass in seconds.

Leave this to me. I have an excellent place to conceal it.

(SQUEAKS THEME FROM "THE GREAT ESCAPE")

Nice one, Bob!

(CHOIR SINGS DRAMATIC OPERA-TYPE THEME)

- It's not working, is it? - Give it a bit of time to get going.

Look... Look.

- It's working on this one. - Yes!

- And here's another. And another. - Yes!

And another! Fan-smegging-tastic.

We're on our way. They'll do the whole damn room in minutes.

- What's happened to your sleeve, man? - What?

- Your sleeve. - My God! They're eating my clothes.

(LAUGHS)

Well?

It wasn't me, sir, it was him. He made me do it.

You Judas! We'd agreed to refuse to talk.

Let me blame you, then I'll refuse to talk.

If I ever, ever see you in this office again,

then you're in the hole. Is that what you want?

- (BOTH) No, sir. - Well, then. Get out.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You haven't been to the medi bay to get this virus off, have you?

- I probably shouldn't have shaken your hand. - Big mistake.

- We'll be going, sir. - Right now.

That's it!

Two months

in the hole!

Sir, what about me athlete's hand?

Now!

(KRYTEN) We zap the ship with a two-year download of time.

The records will show that we are free to be released.

This machine's amazing!

Can it do boob jobs, too? I'm just thinking about the future.

- You spilt my soup. - Sorry, Baxter, non-bud.

It was an accident.

Hot Bovril.

Agh!

Grr!

Look at him. The big lug. I'd hate to clean the bath out after him.

You'd need a sander to get rid of the tide mark and a leaf vac to hoover the hair.

Fix him. Fix him with the time wand.

Watch this.

(LAUGHS)

- Hello! - There's someone in here with us!

Yeah, it's that bloke sitting next to you.

- Who are you? - They call me Birdman.

Why's that?

Because he really likes instant custard (!) Why do you think?

This is Pete. He's nine years old, which in sparrow years is...

...nine years old.

So, that makes him...

Nine?

Nine! That's right. Met him before, have you?

Two months of this! God!

(DRILLING)

What's this?

(SQUEAKING "GREAT ESCAPE" THEME)

(RIMMER) What happened? (LISTER) They're all frozen on the spot.

Yvonne McGruder did this when I tried to kiss her.

This'll drive them crazy!

- (KRIS) Hey! - Guys!

- Buddies! - This is Birdman.

And this is Pete.

We found this machine that can digitise time. We can release jets of it.

It can make our sentence pass in a nano second.

Hats off, sirs.

- There's something wrong with Pete. - What?

He's gone all stiff!

He must have drunk the guards' half-time juice.

Not that kind of stiff. He's dead.

The excitement of being free has killed him!

He really loved that bird. It was the only thing that kept him going.

I think the time wand could bring Pete back to life - make him young and strong again.

Watch.

(ROAR)

- Holy... ...smeg!

(ROAR)

Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother come from?

From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs.

I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years.

An old Cat saying has particular relevance here. It goes like this -

we are all gonna die!

Pete? Is that you, Pete?

Birdman!

(SNEEZES)

Gesundheit.

You want some seed?

That's a no, then, is it?

What now, sir?

Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)

Hey, Pete!

Eat me!

Here, Bob. Catch!

(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)

Bob!

(ROARS)

Bob!

(BOB SQUEAKS)

Come on, Kryten. Hurry up!

Leg-it mode, sir.

- We've lost the time wand. - How are we gonna get rid of that thing now?

We're finished!

Stop yelling. Let's think our way out of this.

We're finished!

Shut up and get a grip, man.

I'm sorry. It's just I was... Look, I'm better now.

- Can I just say one thing? - Go on.

We're finished!

Hol, we've been cornered by a T. Rex that was formerly a sparrow.

The only thing that can turn it back into a bird is in its stomach. Any ideas?

- Do you want the long or the short version? - Ooh... Long.

You're finished.

What's the short version?

Bye.

- Kryten. - Yes, ma'am?

How long will it take for Pete to pass the time wand out of his system?

I don't have that information in my database.

My programmers, for some insane reason,

believed dinosaur bowel movement frequency tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!

What's your suggestion?

The quicker we get the time wand back, the better, right? So why don't we lure Pete

into the food bay and get him to eat some roughage?

Get a T. Rex to eat roughage?

Yeah! All Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast. That sort of stuff.

We can't get Lister to eat that, let alone a dinosaur.

The more roughage, the quicker we get the time wand back.

- Have you got a better idea? - Yes, I have.

I'm going to kill myself.

(ROARING)

We've got to keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.

Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks,

making more noise than two yodelling champions on honeymoon.

- Everyone will have heard him by now. - But, sir, the crew are frozen,

operating on a different time stream.

If we can turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires,

- no one need be any the wiser. - He's right.

I listened to everything he said, and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.

(ROARS)

(KRYTEN) Right over, sir.

Right over.

Cow vindaloo?

It's not gonna work.

- Of course it's gonna work. - T. Rexes don't like curry.

They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries!

If a T. Rex was a bloke, he'd be a Geordie -

the kind of guy who wears T-shirts in winter and his nipples don't even get hard.

A seven-ton theropod is not gonna eat Indian food. They like flesh, preferably living,

liberally coated in blood with a side order of intestines and extra blood -

a bit like the French in that respect.

We've got nothing to lose.

If the worst comes to the worst and the dino doesn't eat it, I'll scoff it meself.

(ROARS)

- That door won't hold out much longer. - If only that T. Rex felt like I do now.

He wouldn't even need a curry.

- Don't put that stuff in. You'll spoil the taste. - Right. Here he comes.

(CLANGING, POUNDING)

- (PURRING GROWL) - It's loving it!

Maybe we should have made some poppadoms.

Gone the whole hog.

A whole hog?

Like it wasn't hard enough getting a whole cow?

(ROARS)

Think he wants a lager.

(GROWLING ROAR)

(WAILING GROAN)

It was a hot one, but I thought it could stand it.

(WAILS)

(SPLINTERING CRASH)

The time freeze must have... If only those buttons were more clearly marked!

The rules on dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear.

No pets. Am I right?

Am I right?!

- Yes, sir. - Have you any idea

- the damage that thing has caused? - No, sir.

It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice cream.

I love mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last bit.

- We just wanted the time wand back, sir. - It's also eaten 400 crates of orange ice pops,

and drunk all the Coca Cola.

Guess what.

- You love orange ice pops and Coca Cola. - I LOVE orange ice pops and Coca Cola!

If you just let us...

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,

then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream,

followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops,

and swills the whole thing down with 2,000 gallons of a popular fizzy drink?

Do you know what happens?

It burps?

Oh, it burps!

And do you know what happened to the poor, brave men

who had the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?

They went, "Phwoar!"

It took out the entire platoon,

hurling them 20 feet across the cargo bay wall.

I hope this one small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise flawless record, sir.

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,

two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream,

followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops,

and swills it all down with 2,000 gallons of a popular fizzy drink AFTER it's burped?

- It feels sick? - Oh, no.

It doesn't FEEL sick, Rimmer.

It IS sick.

Five of our best men nearly drowned.

Two others are in hospital,

concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.

We are really deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo,

then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream followed by...

- Oh, God, it didn't! - It didn't what, Lister?

It didn't get a diarrhoea attack, did it?

100 per cent correct!

And do you know what happened to the battalion that was sneaking up on the beast?

From behind?

Of which I was a proud member?

Do you know?

Do you know what happened?

- I've got a fair idea, sir. - A fair idea, sir.

A tidal wave.

15 feet high.

I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. I've had 12 baths and three showers.

Now, do you have anything to say?

I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.

Nobody knows how to work this thing.

It is sedated in the cargo bay. Turn it back into a sparrow.

Sir, what about Bob? Did he show up?

Who the hell do you think landed on my head?

He is in repairs, being oiled.

Bring back the sparrow.

- And if you try anything smart, you're dead. - Yes, sir.

And if I ever, ever, ever see you in this office again,

you are finished.

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

Did you get punishment duty, too?

I've got to iron 800 prison smocks. I don't understand.

Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?

800! Bliss!

Did you see the captain's report?

The one lying open on his desk.

Did you see what it said about you? It used the word "imbecile" four times in one sentence.

Oh, yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?

Just your name and a dash.

You make two tiny mistakes - give the captain a virus that eats all his hair off,

turn a sparrow into a dinosaur -

and you never hear the last of it!

(SIGHS) He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm never going to make it into high command now.

Only people who know you think you're an imbecile.

Everyone else thinks you're a moron.

He is a good captain, though, Captain Hollister - on the ball. Quick.

Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.

- You do admire him, though, don't ya? - Admire him?

A man who has his own cinema pick and mix factory in his quarters?

A man who has a walk-in fridge?

Who lists as his hobbies, chewing and swallowing?

You did tell me once before, though, you respect HIM, don't ya?

Respect him?

A man whose family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profiterole?

A man who... He's standing behind me, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of blubber you are

and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday has had no side effects.

(JABBERS)

You forgot this. You left it in my office.

Do you have any idea the damage that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands?

Look after it!

You're there. I know you're there, you little sod! Come on. Out! Out!

There's a mouse under here. It's been scuttling around.

- It's not a mouse, ma'am. It's Archie. - Archie?

My penis. It must have escaped.

I must get my ears syringed. Do you know what that sounded like to me?

I made one.

Forget my ears. Maybe my whole brain needs syringing. You made one?

Out of an electron board, a loo roll,

some sticky-backed plastic and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.

Kryten, why do you want one?

It's so humiliating being posted to the women's wing just because I'm genitally challenged,

so I made one like Mr Lister's.

The little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop.

No wonder I couldn't lure him out with cheese. This whole thing's making sense now.

Leave this to me, ma'am. Here, Archie. Here, boy.

Chook-chook-chook.

- There he is! - (TRILLING)

(ECHOING TRILLING)

- Do you realise what this means? - No, ma'am.

- It means you're a real man. - Why?

Because, like all men, you have no control over your penis.

I'm so proud! Archie, come back!

All right, girls? New Canary mission.

- What? - Untamed dino on the loose.

We're not going in till we know what we're doing.

That could take years.

Point that thing at yourself by mistake and you could wind up as a sperm.

- Is that what you want? - Hell, no!

None of my suits will fit!

If that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we've gotta get that T. Rex.

- We ain't using no guns. - Guns are for wusses.

It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.

A fist fight with a T. Rex?

Yeah, but them T. Rexes, mate, they only got little arms. They ain't got no reach.

I'll just pick it off.

- Can't reach anything with them little arms. - That's probably why they're a bit grumpy.

- Oh, my God! - What?

- Something's wrong! - What do you mean, man?

Something's inside me and it wants to get out!

Agh!

Help!

(TRILLING)

- What is it? - I think it's Archie, sir.

- It's who? - He probably followed us.

He must have dozed off in the Cat's pocket and just woke up.

Who the smeg is Archie?

Don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose.

(CAT YELLS)

(YELLING)

We wanna barney with Barney.

Don't want any sane people spoiling it.

Death or glory. Yee-hah!

Hang on, guys. Wait a minute.

(GRUNTS)

This thing's useless.

Say goodbye to your teeth!

Agh!

We're getting our butts kicked and it doesn't hurt.

See? I'm not even bleeding.

You're right.

They put your bodies on a different time stream to the rest of you.

Let's go!

You lost the time wand?

- We were ambushed, sir. - By whom?

- First of all by... - (RIMMER PROTESTS)

- Then we were jumped by... Sir. - (PROTESTS)

That's it?

OK. No more Mr Nice Guy. No more second chances.

You get that time wand back. You get that sparrow back.

And if you step outta line one more time,

one more time,

you're dead, do you understand?

What was that?

I feel... Ooh!

What the hell is going on?

The effects of the fight have caught up with us.

Get out of here, both of you!

Out!

Agh!

Getting that time wand back could take for ever.

They can zap us with it and turn us into anything.

I don't think getting it back is gonna be much of a problem.

(GRUNTING)

(GENTLE SNORING)

- (RIMMER) It's going to go wrong, isn't it? - I've just got to press "Undo".

The time wand will undo everything it's done. We'll even get Birdman back.

- Something's gonna go wrong. - Will you relax?

Birdman's boots.

Now to get the rest of him back.

Pete ate me!

He ate me!

He must be really out of sorts. He's never eaten me before.

Never.

Pete!

- (TWEETING) - Do you want some seed?

- Now destroy the time wand. - This machine's priceless.

Destroy it.

(CRACKING)

What are we gonna do now?

Now rebuild the time wand.

It's absolutely priceless!

Stop that dinosaur!

- It's gone in the lift! - Get it back!

Oh! That coconut milk felt great.

Oh, I'm such a wreck!

(MOANS)

Whoa!

(MOANS) That's great.

Oh! There's a certain roughness about your touch that really hits the spot!

(BELLOWING ROAR)

The hole, sir.

(SONG) It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

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