All language subtitles for Il Caimano.2006.DVDRip-AVC.tRuAVC_3_eng

THE CAIMAN

As Mao says: "The worId is yours,
as welI as ours,

but in the end, it is yours".

We Marxist-Leninists
favour a simple life-styIe.

Even the party Ieaders
shouId Iive Iike the workers.

And when the sons ofthe rich
come to us,

with their Iong hair
and mod cIothes,

we tell them:
"lf you want to work forthe party,

you must give the party
aIl your money.

Otherwise, there is no trust."

Ourorganisation must buiId
the truIy revoIutionary party,

destroying the revisionist clique
of the CP and the unions

who have sold out the Italian people

to the bourgeoisie
and its government.

This revolutionary couple
celebrating its union

wilI fightagainst
all economist deviance

and intelIectuaIism
which preaches absurdities

like struggIe in the...

Fabrizia!

My name is not Fabrizia.

It is Aidra.

The poIice! l'm trapped!

Surround the buiIding!

Freeze!

CATARACTS

Ladies and gentIemen,
good evening!

We'Il now hear how
these great little fiIms came to be.

Straight from the lips

of the man who produced them.

OurspeciaI guest tonight:
Bruno Bonomo!

- Can I give you this script?
-After.

No, I've got to go now.

- "The Caiman", I'Il read it quietly.
- Not too quietIy!

Bonomo, the man who revived
genre movies in ltaIy

years before Quentin Tarantino

with films Iike:
"Moccasin Assassins",

"Smutty Boots",
"Maciste versus Freud"

and the film Bruno watched
with us tonight: "Cataracts".

AfiIm that ruined him.

His house repossessed,
his company bankrupt...

My production company is stiIl...

Come now,
you never made anotherfiIm.

Your director became an optician...

l beIieved in it,
l thought it'd be a hit.

ltwas a disaster.

And l say that, not out of crueIty,

but to make up for
the exile you suffered.

We've missed you these ten years.
What are you doing?

l'm preparing a fiIm.

You telI me like that?
Out of the bIue!

I'm glad, but a IittIe vexed.
You dark horse!

What film are you making?

A period piece about Columbus
returning from America.

- Directed by?
- Franco Caspio.

This man is bIitzing us with emotion!

Three major come-backs:

25 years for Caspio, 10 for Bonomo,
500 for CoIumbus!

SoIved it!
No need to make a real one.

That's a modeI my grandson made.

My compIiments,
he's grasped the spirit of cinema.

We'lI use this.

Luckily, CoIumbus
onIy returned with one, the...

The Nina.

We'lI pop it into our pooI
and you'lI see.

That's how they made
"Ocean of Fear".

- Rememberthat?
- No.

But Bruno,
l'm not used to shooting like that.

-You're not used to shooting at alI.
-You neither!

Don't worry,
you'lI have everything you need.

I was wondering
what I'd bring tonight.

Yes it's early,
but l wanted to get ahead.

Think I can make a movie
with a toy Iike this?

We shoot it aIl with that.

l can bring dessert.

Ourset designer is Fritz Simmons.

But he's an alcoholic!

He's stopped drinking.

Some crew... For a year,
it's been justyou and me.

Thursday, after l sign with RAl
we'lI discuss the crew.

You could at least
have given me an assistant!

Come Thursday, you'Il have
assistants, sets, wardrobe, the lot.

Yesterday, at Dino Risi's
90th birthday

AureIio de Laurentiis asked me
ifhe couId read the script.

He's heard about it forso long
and he's interested.

Dino Risi's birthday?

He no longer invites me.

-Andrea, Iook what Dad found!
- No, that's not flat.

No, it's exactly like this 12,
but this isn't it.

Been searching for overan hour.

Roberto's dad said
you pIayed weIl Saturday.

You nevertelI me anything.

Sorry, but just heIp me
find that piece.

Or I'Il neverfinish the spaceship.

AyeIlow, flat 12.

How did itgo last night?

Good, they screened:
"Lady Cop in StiIettos".

-And "Cataracts"?
- Of course.

-Was Aidra there too?
- No, she can't appear in pubIic.

She's wanted by the police
the worId over.

ReaIly? Why is that?

- So, tonight's story...
- ls Aidra in it?

Yes, only l can't recalI
where we stopped.

At the bit
where she'd become a top chef

working in a restaurant.

-Which was calIed?
- "Slave of Love"!

In this restaurant kitchen,
Aidra is almost unrecognisabIe.

No one knows her true identity.

ln her new life,
she's loved by alI.

AII, except a food critic

who aIways sIates herfood.

But one day, this nasty critic

returns to the restaurant
to do another article.

A moment she's eagerIy awaited.

"Stuffed escalope SiciIian style,
Puerto-Rican risotto,

Rice aIla Piacentina.

Tripe a Ia mode de Zurich,

Stock-pot with apples,

Boiled veal trotters..."

Aftera while

the first dish arrives.

Afork sinks into the risotto.

The critic barely tastes it

and then caIIs the waiter.

AlI's welI, he tasted it.

He lefta bit...

He left it aIl.

How can a restaurant like this

dare rustIe up
a Puerto-Rican style risotto

with a juIienne of peppers?

lt needs Spanish oIives!

You and your palates...

should never set foot here again!

Neveragain!

Bananas a la Copacabana,
Scrambled egg stuffed tomatoes!

Chicken alIa SparafuciIe!

l was waiting foryou.

l'm not sure about this recipe.

They look aIive...

They are aIive.

lt's you who is dead!

No!

Yes...

PIease forgive me!

I've had sinusitis for 15 years.

I've lost alI sense of taste!

These fiIms were considered Fascist,
can you imagine?

-We were Fascists.
- No, you weren't!

Don't discredita job weIl done.

You fought the dictatorship
of auteur cinema,

you were the antibodies.

Just two different ways
of doing the samejob.

Bruno, these people pay weII.

They take everything,
even the trailers.

Have you got them?

AlI except "Smutty Boots",
it got stolen in Viterbo.

I'Il get it from the Ministry.

- The young want to see yourfilms.
- No one asks forthem.

We'll do a boxed-set.

l'II remaster the negatives,

tasty bonuses,
an interview with Paola...

Forget it! She doesn't want
to hear about cinema.

-Got the censor's cuts?
- Never had probIems with the censor.

Yes you did! 500 frames
of"Suzy the Woman Hater".

- 15 seconds!
-WeII you did go a bit far!

AlI l have are my movies
and this studio.

-A piece of cinema history!
-Where alI we do is tele-shopping.

Only they haven't paid in 6 months.

Just a minute.

Marisa, what's going on?

- He says he's Ieaving.
-Where?

Wait!

-What are you doing?
-Just let me go.

I've cIinched it,
we're meeting RAI!

De Laurentiis read the script?

Yes, and he Iikes it.

Since he bought NapIes F.C.
aIl he thinks ofis footbalI.

Peppe too, he reckons that...

- Tell him!
- Together, you can stiII amaze.

You shut your mouth!

l remember
what you wrote about me:

"The vioIent use
of supersonic zoom

reminds one of home-movies."

-You wrote that!
-30 years ago.

- l've notforgotten!
-What a memory!

Come now, don't go.

- Give me the box.
- Forget it.

Let go!

No one wanted you,
I was the only one to trust you!

Give that to me!

What do you want with it?

You'll break it!

I neverwant to see you again.

Neveragain!

Come back here right now!

Franco!

Andrea, keep your eye on the match.

Ref! I'm making substitutions.

Emanuele and GianIuca,

Giuseppe and Nicolas.

You stay there.

Coach!

I know Andrea's notgreat,
but l feeI he's progressed.

Sure, but that's not important.

Even Roberto's dad
said he played weIl.

Don'tworry, I'Il bring him on.

WiIl you put him up front
or in defence?

I feel he's better
as a defender.

Dad, please!

Have no worries.

I don't want to interfere
in yourtactical choices,

but have you seen the number 16?

Sure he was born in '96?
He looks bigger.

They're aIl the same age.

Well, I'Il just sitand watch.

l'm counting on you!

Aidra doesn't know what to do.

She's been underwater
for seven minutes,

pursued by four men with knives
between theirteeth.

Suddenly, Aidra...

has an idea.

What was her idea?

Me, disturb their sleep?

WeIl if Andrea dragged me to see
"Men in BIack" 1 and 2, "Matrix",

"Mystery of the TempIars",
"The IncredibIe HuIk",

fulI of expIosions,
killing and worms...

The fact is, you don't want them
to see you in "Cataracts".

OnIy I'd like them to know

that their parents
did something together.

The kids know something is amiss.

Quit teIIing me the kids "know".
They don't!

l toId them I'm not sIeeping here
as l'm filming by night

and they believed me.

We're separating,
we have to taIk to them.

It's nota real separation,
we said we'd think it over.

Maybe things will improve between us.

We seem to be getting along better.

Why do you say they know?

Have they said something?

No, it's just that...

Andrea wakes up crying
almost every night

because he's Iost
a tiny piece of some toy.

He says it's what he cherishes most
in aIl the worId.

So he screams,
saying we have to find it.

We switch on the light,

then Giacomo wakes
and he cries too.

Sometimes, even l cry.

And it's hours before
we get back to sIeep.

I've got to go...

I'm expecting something.

"Thousands of banknotes
swirling around.

BiIlions of Iire from the 70s.
Where has it aIl come from?

BiIlions and bilIions
and bilIions of lire.

All this money,
faIIen from heaven.

Where has it come from?

AIl this money...

From where?"

Sorry to calI so late.

CouId l speak to Teresa Mantero?

This is Bruno Bonomo.

l have a script here: "The Caiman"...

with your phone number...

You were the girI with the baby?

Right, I remember.

But why did you give
this script to me?

l see, l was Iast on the Iist.

Of course I've read it.

Yes, interesting.

But I'd rather not discuss it
over the phone.

Perhaps we couId meet...

Fine, Iet's caII each other.

Goodnight, Teresa.

Morning, Marisa.

- How are you?
- Fine. What's new?

l was wondering what to do
abouttoday's meeting with RAl

for "The Return of Columbus".

We'll see.

- Did Franco Caspio caII?
- No.

The bank calIed,
we're overdrawn by 40,000 euros.

They suggested staggered repayment.
What's that?

No caIls, I've a script to read.

Except my wife,
put herthrough.

Scene 6, exterior, day.

We are in Milan,
in the early 1970s,

forthe inauguration
of the buiIding work.

l want to buiId a quarter
which inspires optimism.

Pessimists can do no good in life.

One, two, three!

I want to build a town
which has everything.

The birth clinic,
the school, the work place,

cable TV speciaIly for housewives.

This project is costing
500 milIion a day.

Might we know
who gave it to you?

All this money,
where does it reaIly come from?

l'd rather notanswerthat right now.

ln fact, not ever.

Waiting for me?

Yes, we wanted to ask you

as administratorof EdilmiIano...

You've misunderstood,
I'm just a consuItant,

responsibIe forgeneral running.

We inquired into the provenance
of your money

which is managed
by 22 secret holdings.

l have no secrets, and anyway
these holdings don't belong to me.

No, they belong to nominees,

housewives, pensioners,
even a poorstroke victim.

But we know it's all yours.

Just one thing we don't know:
where did it aII come from?

Don't disappoint me.
Don't you ask that question too!

You're smart,
too smart forthe job you're in.

- Did PaoIa caIl?
- No.

Nor Franco Caspio?

Two years of coIIaboration
and not even a calI!

lf any friends calI,
put them through.

Even strangers, put them through,
l want to be disturbed!

When did you last see
a helicopter in an ltaIian movie?

lt's an action film!

Suitcases fuIl of cash,
bids for power...

All this money,
where does it come from?

A mogul who'd build an entire city.

-And Columbus?
- Too sad!

He returns with a single Caravel.

There's no audience
for period films.

But this is a film of today.

- Caspio is still directing?
- No.

She's a young, taIented director.

You just switch
the firstcontract advance

from "Columbus" to "The Caiman".

Bruno, it's not that easy.

But this wiIl cost a Iot less.
Savings alI round!

Sure, but it's a totaIly
different fiIm.

-And this girI's an unknown!
- I know her.

Just read the script.

- Not that again!
- I want to work here!

Shut up!

I'm trying to help you here,
can't you cooperate!

What should Plop do?
l don't get it.

Plop is a bird
who falIs from a tree.

A man or an animaI passes by
and mistakes him for something.

What do they mistake him for?

Ok, the bird falIen
from the nest Iooks Iike...

- I'm off.
- Be home late? You're so pretty!

Prettierthan usual.

Why do you rehearse evenings?

Because the conductor
is busy during the day.

- In ten minutes, you stop the fiIm.
-So soon?

- It's a nice film.
- Then watch it aII.

-As usual, we justgive in.
- He asked when you'd be home.

When l get home, you'Il be asIeep.

-WilI you wake me?
-Yes.

- Got to ask you something.
- It's a bit late.

-What could PIop be mistaken for?
- I don't know!

- Nice jacket!
- lt's new.

So, what are you singing
forthe concert?

Cantatas by HandeI.
First, a Baroque concert, then us.

PIop is afraid ofthe dark,
that might be the soIution.

It's not a riddIe,
it's to deveIop the imagination.

So we have to invent...

-So, are you happy?
- ReaIIy happy.

I sent the script
to lots of producers,

yet they didn't even call
to say they didn't Iike it.

And now, to think that, RAl...

Just doing my job.

So, how did you present
the project?

See this?

The Iast ltaIian pirate movie
was shot entirely here.

The subject might be
a bit much forthem.

"Blackband's Last Words",
ever heard of it?

-What fiIms of mine do you know?
-Just "Cataracts".

- So?
- lt's not realIy my genre, but...

- But it's funny?
-Yes, some scenes...

What exactIy did you teIl
those TV guys?

Let me show you
how we used to make movies.

What did you telI them?

This is a saloon,
made by an exceIlent set designer.

I'll introduce you,
couId use him for yourfiIm.

We were shooting two movies
simuItaneously:

"Bloody VigiIs forSheriff Clark"

and "The Revenge
of the WiId Witches".

One by day, the other by night.

What did I telI them
about "The Caiman"?

From the very start,
I knew they were interested.

At last, an ambitious, solid film.

We'lI see what they think
of the script.

I expIained the story,
but I got a bit lost at the end.

-Yes, the end may need...
- No, it was my fault.

While talking, l lost the pIot.

Because, in fact,
I hadn't read it alI.

-You hadn't read it?
- l read it like that...

DiagonalIy.

l skimmed it,
right now ljust can't focus.

I've a Iot of probIems,
personal too...

-What are you saying?
- l'm taking Omega 3s!

Teresa, I didn't read the script.

Don't worry, it'Il work out fine.

How could you present it
to the TV not having read it!

What are we going to teIl them?

Don't worry.

I go on gut feeling,
this fiIm has it alI.

Action, atmosphere...

It's there, let's go for it!

I justgot stuck
with the money-runners.

It's compIicated,
l couldn't figure it!

Let's go back to the start.
You remember Cesari?

Cesari, the inIand revenue officer

who discovered
the Caiman's sIush funds

has now become
his right-hand man.

Into the Caiman's
newly buiIt quarter

drives a black car.

From a safe, Cesari takes
biIlions in state bonds

which are taken to a bank
in the RepubIic of San Marino,

where they are converted into cash.

This cash is brought to MiIan

and kept in a secret apartment.

This is where the money-runners
come in.

These guys specialise
in taking money abroad.

They each take 500 miIlion Iire,

cross the border

and Iodge it
in a secret Swiss bank account.

What was this money

in these Swiss bank accounts
used for?

The defendant is charged
with having used it

for ilIicit party financing,

to bribe judges
forfavourabIe verdicts

and tax evasion.

By now it's clearthat the Caiman
is based on BerIusconi.

What an idiot! But of course!

The heIicopters, the stadium,
the tax inspectors...

And I hadn't twigged!

He's taIking to you.

-What?
- Look what you've done.

Me make a Iefty politicaI fiIm?
l hated them 30 years ago!

What did you think it was:
"Cataracts 2"?

lttook me ten years
to win favourwith RAl!

- The knock-for-knock!
- The what?

- The knock-for-knock!
- Sorry?

The knock-for-knock declaration!

Hand me that thing...

The banks won'tgive me a cent,
they're taking the studios!

I told them itwas an action movie,

and now l teIl them
we're doing a film on Berlusconi.

- l even voted for him!
-And you admit it?

Beat it! CIearthe street!

A man who gets rich overnight,
who has three TV channeIs,

who becomes Prime Minister
due to debts and trials.

That's nota film,
it's public knowledge.

Bruno, where do you fit in?

It's a film I want to do,
a film I beIieve in.

lt's a fiIm peopIe are waiting for.

People are waiting forthis?

lt's a delicate topic fora novice.

Start with something
more personaI.

One feeIs this film
is not born of urgent need.

WeII, l feel it is urgent
to make this film.

But it's too easy
to make ideoIogicaI films.

ldeologicaI? You misunderstand.

We don't just fixate on Berlusconi...
That's obsession!

And the film doesn't
go into everything...

Like the Iinks between Berlusconi,
DelI'Utri and the Mafia.

I don't understand,
in what sense?

Is that in the script?
So why talk about it!

"The Caiman" is a broader movie,
about power, about ltaIy.

And the Italy of the last30 years,
is BerIusconi.

These young peopIe!

So set in theiropinions.

Maybe you'd like to see
a second draft of the script?

I can bring in
an experienced screenwriter,

even someone of your choice.

Sorry, but we're not interested.

l reaIly want to make this fiIm.

It's crazy that in Italy, no one's
ever made a film on BerIusconi.

ln America, about their President,

they make political fiIms,
comedies,

thriIIers, love stories.

Here, they're scared to.
Money is just an excuse.

Money does count, and how!

I'd like a tub to go,
forthe kids.

- How far is your home?
- Ten, fifteen minutes.

Then, no!

The ice-cream onIy lasts
five minutes in the tub.

Any Ionger, it's ruined.

Then l'lI take the tub,

get in the car and drive like mad.

And if I happen to smash into a tree
it means I didn't make iton time!

Once out of the freezer,
you have to eat it alI, or...

Its structure is modified.

I know!

- Because our ice-cream...
- ...is different!

l know it's different,
but enough is enough!

Why does everyone
have it in for me today!

You'll bloody kilI me!

Giacomo, are you ok?

I was reading Mickey Mouse.

Guess where Dad is.

- In BoIogna.
- No, in La...

In Lapland.

A Iand oflakes and forests,
where the sun never sets.

-What does that mean?
- lt never gets dark.

-You neversIeep?
-Yes, with a mask, Iike Zorro.

Good night, kiss Mom for me.

You'Il kiss her?

So, you prefer State television?

With two grey, identical channels

and programmes which end
at 11 at night?

FulIy dressed dancers,
is that what you want?

They tried to stop us,
to take us off the air,

but we prevented them.

And l've not done this for me,
but for you,

because you've waited so long for it.

So, let us begin!

You are obsessed with me,
l filI yourthoughts.

-You think of nothing eIse.
- I Iike to write iII of you.

And l'lI continue, even if
you've bought my newspaper.

l am a IiberaI publisher,
you can write what you like.

But you're wrong.
People Iove me, l've answered a need.

These letters, I get thousands daily,
alI from women.

They say that since l've given them
morning TVtoo,

their lives have changed.

The judiciary,
with its corruption inquiries,

has wiped out
a whoIe politicaI cIass.

You must take a stand against
the self-promotion of the judges.

They wantto change the history
of this country. That's not good.

If there were eIections today,

the Ieft would have
a crushing majority.

The country cannot afford that.

The country or this company?

Next year,
there wilI be a generaI election

and ourgroup
wishes to be directly involved.

AIl must lend a hand,
our TV channeIs,

ourstars, our papers.

Moderates today are mediocre
figures, devoid of charisma.

The only soIution is
a new poIitical force, headed by me.

You couIdn't care less
about moderates.

You're only doing this
because you're 5,000 billion in debt

and the judges are closing in
on yourforeign bank accounts.

You want to enter poIitics,

as otherwise you'Il go to jaiI.

Italy is the country l love.

Here, are my roots,
my hopes, my horizons.

Here, I learnt,
from my father and from Iife,

my trade of entrepreneur.

Here, l also Iearnt
the passion forfreedom.

l've chosen to enterthe arena
to look afterthe State,

because I do not want to Iive
in an illiberal country,

governed by immature forces

and by men bound

to a poIiticalIy and economicaIly
disastrous past.

So, what do we do?

- The situation is not good.
- So I came to reassure you.

l Ieave messages at the office,
you never caIl back,

you're never at home...

- I'm preparing a film.
- I've heard that forten years.

The mortgage guarantee
on the studios has Iapsed.

We've heIped you,
but you don't meet your repayments.

They want to selI your studios
and evict you.

ljust need a little time,
the film is shaping up.

The fiIm aboutCoIumbus?

No, another, a winner.

I reread it last night,
in one go.

In three months, we're back on track,
our problems are over.

I don't know what to say,
it's out of my hands.

Seems aIright to me.

There was one IittIe mistake
and we corrected it.

- lt's ready?
- Not yet.

Ok, I go back,
you come and we telI them.

You start
and l'lI be right over.

Right, I'Il begin,
and then we expIain the situation,

caImIy and quietIy.

Exactly, we'lI start to speak

and you'lI see,
the words will come.

They must know we're separating,
but we stilI love each other

and them.

Here goes.

It's fine, Iove,
nota single mistake.

lt'lI be fine foryour teacher, too.

What if she finds a mistake
and screams at me?

Everything is perfect.

No, l want to recheck.

l bet I know
more bad words than you.

Don't I know it!

l'lI say them aIl, starting with:
"Go fu..."

Boys, Dad has something
important to teIl you.

Your mom and I...

Be right back.

l can't do it.
Can't we put it off?

-Andrea is so up tight...
- He aIways is with homework.

Ok, Iet's just have dinner.

And then we'lI see.

Come here.

Pyjamas on and into bed.

Who's staying?

We want Dad to teIl us a story.

Ok, I'Il stay.

Tonight, we'Il both stay.

Mom and Dad have something
very important to telI you.

Whata pretty mom we have!
Let's kiss her!

Stop! Are you crazy?

Stop, I beg you!

That's enough, into bed!

Thanks a Iot!

l was saying...

We've something important
to telI you, haven't we?

As of tomorrow,
Dad wilI live in another house,

a house ofhis own.

- He'Il no Ionger come every night.
- Not Iike before.

Why are you going to Iive
in another house?

That way, Mom and l wiII argue less.

lf we argue less,
we'lI love each other more

and if we love each other more,
we'Il alI be happier.

-We'lI no IongersIeep alI together?
- ldiot, you just don'tget it!

No, we'Il no longer sIeep
all together.

But you'lI have two houses,

two bedrooms, otherfriends...

Can we go on hoIidays together?

We'lI see aboutthe holidays Iater.

I've drawn up a schedule,
a budget...

I planned foreight weeks,
but I'm not sure that's enough.

l've left a Iot of blanks
in the budget,

there are things I need to know.

You have to teIl me when we start,
so I can caIl people.

"The Neo-Communists want power
without free eIections,

a sick habit
that's partoftheir DNA."

It's important to make this film.

Let's Iaunch
a pubIic appeaI forfunds.

- Me, l'lI do it for free.
- No need forthat.

l've always paid peopIe,
not much, but...

-What were you saying?
- lf you'd seen the budget.

- Solid backing, what have you got?
- I'm waiting for answers.

- The costumes go next door?
- No, not yet...

-And who's playing the lead?
- Better ask Teresa.

-We've decided to do this.
- Fritz, my friend.

Teresa wants to reconstruct
this section of...

of the Parliament.

We need to call the set builders,
and order...

...the materiaIs.

So, what do we do?

-What do we do?
-You have to teIl us.

What do we do?

Let's begin.

She's free...

No one can stop her...

She has decided...

to Iove me no more.

- l'd Iike you to pIay the Iead.
-Thank you.

l caress her shadow...

Sorry, can'tturn it down,
I Iike it too much.

Thanks, but a film about BerIusconi,
no, honestIy!

-We already know all about him.
- From the TV?

Those who want to, know.
Those who don't...

There's nothing more to telI,
everything's known!

So we do nothing
and then he wins again?

He's aIready won.

Twenty, thirty years ago,
with his TV channels,

he changed our heads.

And I'm not convinced
by the script...

- But you haven't read it!
-WeII it's as ifl had.

l already know what's in it.

lt's what the leftwing audience
wouId Iove to hear.

Berlusconi
who messes up his facelift,

but not his hairtranspIant,
whata laugh!

But that's not myfiIm.

l know, but everybody laughs,
even if they shouIdn't.

Anyway, l have another project...

Seems we were mistaken, Bruno.
We go back to work?

Now she's vexed,
quite a character...

-She's stubborn.
- She's taIented.

And a touch unpleasant,
that's why I Iike her.

So, l'm writing this comedy movie
which I'm realIy into,

a comedy...

You think now's the time
to make a comedy?

lt's aIways the time fora comedy!

And off they go...

EUROPEAN PARLlAMENT
Mr SchuItz, in ltaIy

a producer is making a film

on the Nazi concentration camps.

l'lI suggest you
for the roIe of the Kapo.

She voted for him too.

You'd be perfect.

As welI as Ietting Mr SchuItz speak,

l request that you ask Mr Berlusconi

to withdraw what he just said

in the name of the values
that alI we Europeans share.

What I just said,
l said with irony.

lf you are incapable
of understanding irony,

then I'm sorry.

But l wiIl not withdraw
what was said in irony...

He has a very personal notion
of irony.

Abroad, we're a Iaughing stock.

It's no Ionger just
a confIict ofinterests.

TeIl me.

So what do I do?

Of course I'm atthe office.

But you said you were going.

Yes, I know...

Don't bother, l'lI take care ofit.

Problems?

No, I've got to pick up
the IittIe one, a mix up.

A misunderstanding, it happens.

Abroad, they cannot understand

how a guy like him

has paralyzed Italy
with his personal problems

fortwelve years.

For now, that's how it is.
See you tomorrow.

ln Italy, the press,
but especialIy the TV,

which belong to my group
and to my famiIy,

are among our severest critics.

And why?

lt seems you Iack the sun of ltaIy.

You have never been,
and you've neverswitched on,

never switched on,
neverswitched on...

an ltaIian TV set.

lf that is the form of democracy

that you intend to use to siIence

the President
of the European CounciI,

then by all means come
as tourists to ltaIy,

but here, you seem
mere tourists of democracy!

Reading it,
you mightfeel Iike adding things.

There's scope for building
this charactertogether,

to rethink it for you,
with new ideas...

You hadn't thought of me?

- Bruno, there was anotheractor?
- No, she'd thought of no one else...

If she had,
l wouldn't be offended.

No, no one in particuIar.

But perhaps you can bring
more humanity to it.

Yes, l like that.

I didn't want to recount
the private Iife of the Caiman,

but its public dimension.

From the building ofMilan2
to Prime Minister.

So it's reaIly Berlusconi,
not just based on him!

ln broad outline...

No, but BerIusconi
is a key figure of ourtimes.

Like it or not,
maybe the key figure.

It's a film about ltaIy...

It's a nice idea,
a nice chaIlenge foran actor.

When Gian Maria... VoIonte
pIayed Aldo Moro,

he did a wonderful job.

And that other character...
the oil guy...

We need a return
to this kind of cinema.

Here's the script...

l'II read it rightaway.
Now l'm curious.

And when... Teresa...

As soon as I've read it,
we can meet and talk...

Just a second!

We have to help this girl,
she's tenacious.

Afighter, but charming too,
with good ideas.

You have...

Honey, where did you get to?

Where are you? Want to come over?

Listen, l'm here with friends.

So, take a taxi.

When you get into the taxi...

remove your panties,
without the driverseeing you...

Or rather, Iet him see you,
just a IittIe...

No, hoId on, l'm not sure.

Be right back.

Last time, it just didn't happen...

So, on the bedroom ceiIing,
I've had them fit

this huge mirror...

That's him: free and easy.
Perfect forthe role.

Almost sixty and nota wrinkIe.

And what you were saying about

him bringing more humanity
to the character...

that's important.

Is he watching?

Say it to me!

He reaIly liked the project,

he's almost agreed.

What a wonderfuI project,
a new film together!

- I knew you'd be back one day.
-And here I am.

Brought your swimsuit?

-And your wife, stiIl as beautifuI?
- More than ever.

-She had taIent too.
- She says not.

She's stilI ashamed of that period.

- Tried to change her mind?
-Sure I have!

She's returned to herfirst love,
music.

She sings in a choir.

I'm sorry to hearthat.

She was reaIly talented!

A pity.

Foryour chiIdren.

Thank you!
You shouIdn't have.

Come now,
we worked togetherfor ten years.

When do we meet Pulici?

l'm dying to know him.

Always wanted
to do a fiIm with him.

Whenever you Iike,
we'II arrange it.

When did we Iast see each other?
"Cataracts"?

l toId you that titIe wouldn't work.

Me, I re-edited the fiIm,
made a few cuts,

retitled it "Aidra's Men"
and in Poland it was a hit.

l knew thatfiIm had something.

Why did it go down so badIy?

l was the only one
not to lose money on that movie.

The idea of recounting
youroperetta Italy amuses me.

Keep it down, Jerzy!

I find it reaIIy amusing.
You're so ridiculous!

AlI you ltaIians taIk about
is TV and Berlusconi.

You are a peopIe half way

between horrorand foIkIore.

Don't overdo it!

You've grown used to your sleaze.

And each time we think
you've touched the bottom...

in fact you haven't.

You continue to dig.

You dig.

You dig...

and you sIip ever deeper.

Everfurther down...

you scrape.

We're celebrating?

-Yes, Dad's starting a new fiIm.
- Bravo Dad for making films!

We can't ceIebrate withoutMom.

- Be home soon, from rehearsal.
- No, she's eating out.

A man friend came to pick her up.

-A girI friend.
-A man.

She shouId be back about half ten?

She didn't say.

She went out.

So what does the Caiman
do with these accounts?

So as not to get found out,

he covers his tracks

with what are calIed
"offshore" companies.

They beIong to nominees,

people who say they are
chairmen, administrators,

who pretend the money is theirs,
whiIe it's reaIly the Caiman's.

See how clever he is?

That's enough,
I want stories about Aidra.

Yes, "Cataracts" is better.

Aidra's hair is black,
as black as pitch.

Unrecognisable,
she wants to make a fresh start...

What are you doing here?

Where's the baby-sitter?

- l sent her home, it's Iate.
-Yes it is. You'd better go.

Where were you?

-At the theatre.
-You didn't tell me.

They had tickets, so l went.

Who had tickets?

Friends, ourfriends,
you know them...

So why don't they invite me anymore?

Because they know we've split up.

Yes...

Stop that!

Here he is!

Come on, Dad's here.

Just Iook atthis mess.

- Four flat tyres.
- I'll call the garage.

One tyre, ok.
ButaIl four, whata sick joke!

Don't worry.

- Hurry, we'lI be late for schooI.
-AIready are.

- Too Iate, the beII's rung.
- Stop being smart, Iet's go.

-Where are you going?
- Rehearsals, l'm late.

I'Il take you,
l toId Teresa l'd be Iate.

- But aII you do is rehearse!
-We open in ten days.

So, Teresa, is she young?

Yes, butdon't worry.

Ours is pureIy a work reIationship.

I'm not worried...

l was justwondering
if she's experienced.

No, but she's talented.

You must come and visit,
the sets are wonderfuI.

Just when l felt
aII was going badIy

here I am doing a fiIm
about Berlusconi,

with a famous actor,
Marco Pulici.

- I even have the money to make it!
- l'm reaIIy happy.

See how life is?
A new project...

a serious, important movie,
on Berlusconi!

You've had a lawyer read the script?

Not yet, but don't worry.

Yet I wouId Iike you to read it.

There's this tiny role...

l've gotto go.

- l'd Iike you to do it.
- PIease, don't start.

Why not?

Yesterday, Sturovski said to me:

"Why did she give up?
She was so talented!"

Remember how he used to talk?

Bruno, l've turned that page...

Coming!

Let's get serious here.

Things are betterfor you, no?

So organise yourself differently,
forthe kids.

- To spend more time with them.
-Where? l sIeep at the office!

Maybe it's time
you got an apartment

where the kids
can bring their stuff.

I'm prepping the film,
l don't have time

and anyway, I don'tagree.

I have an idea, to heIp you.

With the heIp of my parents,

l could buy out yourshare
ofthe apartment.

That way, you could buy
a smaller one nearby.

- To heIp me, you kick me out?
- lt's not like that.

MlLAN TRIBUNAL
The top group managers

would come with theirwives,
to my home forChristmas.

And I wouId personalIy
buy jeweIlery

with an attention to detail...

worthy of my perfectionism.

Thus, to each lady,
using the computer,

overthe years,
l'd offer earrings, a braceIet,

a necklace, a brooch.

And so as not to repeat myself

l'd choose a piece of jewelIery

which would complete the whoIe,

a set ofjeweIIery
offered down the years.

lt's a documentary,
just to get an idea.

You have to buiId
a characterwhich...

Yes, but my Caiman has to be
muItifaceted, more nuanced.

Wait tiIl you taste this cheese!

l was saying to Teresa

that the Caiman
ought to be more nuanced.

- Do you agree?
- No!

BerIusconi is self-made,
he's something new...

New and totaIly negative!

We have to work on every aspect
of the character.

The hero must have appeal,
orthe audience...

Help me, you're the producer!

He can't be purely negative,
peopIe have to take to him.

When Volonte did
"Investigation of a Citizen...",

the characterwas unpIeasant,
butalso...

- ComicaI.
- HeII, no!

Fascinating!

What matters is to telI
what this man's done to our country.

To what he has reduced
your operetta Italy.

Jerzy, that'll do!
Here's to "The Caiman".

What proof have you?
What evidence? What testimony?

None, except the wiId imagination
of judges

who have invented
this plot of persecution against me!

We want an ltaIy

which gives more scope
to the private, less to the State.

An Italy with more private
and less State.

Less State.

Here are the buttons.

Each one corresponds to an MP,
and hence a vote.

Red: against.
Green: for him.

The choice of extras, not bad?

Yes, but I don't just want
a crowd around the Caiman,

l want reaI people,
with reaI faces.

Yes, you've told me umpteen times,
butwe need to decide how many.

- Bruno said nine hundred.
- He did?

900 meals,
900 employer's contributions...

900 extras, that's too many!

We don't have the money.

- How do we manage them?
- 900 forthe whole film.

lt stilI means 100,000 euros.

These are the drawings
forthe house...

Forthe Caiman's house, welI done!

l wanted something more showy,
more tacky.

But it is showy!
And anyhow, film tends to...

- To amplify.
- Right.

lt's betterto do Iess, but weIl.

We ought to haIve everything.

HaIve the sets,
by grouping certain scenes.

Halve the scheduIe,

the extras, the fiIm stock...

We don't have the money,
we shouId halve everything.

l've onIy directed two shorts.

- So?
- Maybe l'm not up to it.

- Everyone asking me what to do...
-Are they being rude?

Maybe I'm not getting across.

I'm not abIe,
l've never done it!

You're doing it now
and you'Il succeed.

lt's too tough fora first film.

I shouId've done something more me.

But this is you!

Something I know better,

something cIoserto home.

The designer has another idea
for the Caiman's house.

Later!

Please don't panic,
or l wiIl too.

And no more about
those shorts of yours,

or else, l'II get curious.

I'll watch them, hate them
and take you off the fiIm.

Now back to work.

By the way...

on Sunday, I'm lunching
at my parents' in the country.

Maybe you'd like to come
with yourwife and kids...

We'II see, that'd be nice.

Come on, eat...

That was mine!

Eat up!

- This is Dad's new house.
- Looks nice from the outside.

Good evening.

The keys, pIease.

4,567,226 euros

for 554 screens...

An average of 5,016 euros.

"War of the Worlds" is doing better
than "Batman" and "StarWars IIl".

Sunday, we'lI go and see
"Warof the WorIds".

No, Dad, enough scary fiIms!
And you aIways choose.

No, we choose together...

- Giacomo, who chooses?
-You do.

And anyhow,
who said it was scary?

- My friends.
-Your mom!

And it's a film for grown-ups:
they sex!

- They what?
-They sex.

In that fiIm
I don't think they reaIIy...

- Until when can I cuddle you?
- Ten years.

- Ten more years...
- No, when we're ten, you stop.

What a shame!

How did it go
with the psychologist?

Her dinosaurs are ugly,
and she has hardIy any Lego.

Why don't you reconsoIe with Mom?

"Reconcile"!

"Reconstyle".

- Learn the words!
-And you shut up!

Ok, time to sleep.

-Who's better: Dida or Buffon?
- I don't know.

Who's the best goalkeeper,
Dida or Buffon?

Depends on the day.

- But foryou, who's the best?
- For me, Dida.

For me, it's Buffon.

Good night.

Are you at home?

The match?

They calIed me at the Iast minute,
three other kids were sick.

Got to go,
l'lI hand you overto Mom.

lt's a really big pitch.

Why didn't you calI me?

-What does he mean "big pitch"?
-WelI, it's big.

Yes, I think he's a substitute.

Are you substitutes?

They don't know.

- How many a side?
- Eight.

What does that mean?

Then it must be eight-a-side,
as they're eight.

There are goaIposts aII around.

Goalposts alI around,

l don't know
which they'Il choose.

No, not green,
the pitch is brown,

fuIl of dust...

Like dirt, with pebbles in it.

No, l don't have the right shoes,
I'm getting fiIthy.

Ah, you mean Andrea!

Yes... l think so.

No, I'm not going to ask him.

I'd be ashamed,
in front ofhis friends.

Coach,
does Andrea have the right shoes?

Yes, he's fine.

l have to get off,
l'm being whistIed at!

l'm going to change Margherita.

We were expecting you with the boys,
they'd love it here.

Andrea had a match
he couIdn't miss.

It's the first time...
he's pIayed on a big pitch.

They're pIaying eight-a-side,
it's usualIy five.

lf you plough on a slope,
the clods roIl

and damage the vines.

Depends on the slope, the earth...

ButoIive trees, you onIy need
waterthem forthe firsttwo years.

Then, you have to weed the ground...

-What's up?
-Just checking the time.

- Hoeing.
- That's the technicaI term.

Once we've harvested the olives...

Sorry, have to make a calI,
the match is over.

Ah, these matches!

When l take them to the oiI miIl,

l always make sure that

they press my oIives immediately.

Otherwise the oil is too acidic.

So what was the finaI resuIt?

Two alI, good!
The goals were his fauIt?

And I check that...

- She's asleep.
- Of course, you'd just been!

What's the probIem?
I justwent to check.

Youranxiety ends up
making me anxious.

Easy, she went
just to see if she was asIeep.

l know she went
"just to see if she was asIeep".

I neversaw you
get anxious over Margherita.

You reproach me for not
doing the yo-yo Iike you?

Poor Luisa,
she was just worried.

Yeah, she's a good mother,
but I'm not!

And you always take her side.

Why do you do this?

Sorry, something's up here...

l'lI calI you back.

Everybody was in the know!

Your brothers, your parents...

And aIl deIighted!

Why didn't you telI me?

That you Iive with a woman!
We work together!

WeIl, l never met yourwife,
not even today.

She didn't come
due to the match,

which I missed to witness
you two bickering!

"l'm this kind of mother,
and you're that."

"My mom takes your side,
but your mom..."

I don't even know
if my son's improved.

My wife knows
damn aII about footbalI!

Thank goodness.

Teresa,just imagine
if I was faIling in love with you...

What an asshole l'd have Iooked!

You're in Iove with her?
CarefuI, I'm jealous!

l said "imagine".
Stop being smart.

- How did you have this baby?
-We wentto HoIland and...

Don't teIl me!
l don't want to know!

It'd onIy upset me.

And l don't think I'd understand.

You'd expIain
and l wouIdn't understand.

So Iet's justdrop it.

This is where they'Il put the Caiman
when he dies.

He dies at the end?

No, but as he's rich, he had
a tomb built exactly to his Iiking.

That way, when he dies,
he'II be happy.

-WelI, Giacomo?
- l may Iike this fiIm.

- More than "Cataracts"?
- No, that's going too far!

I'd like a word with you.

Everything ok?

The sets are wonderful!

- Family keeping weIl?
- Fine.

- How many kids do you have?
-Two, 9 and 7.

And how oId are they?

I justtold you: 9 and 7.

l have one justentering secondary.

Puberty can be...

We were young too,
we know what it's Iike...

- Having problems?
- No, it's thisjob.

You see your kids fora week,
and then notfor a month.

We need to spend more time
with them,

because chiIdren feeI
a father's presence,

they need it,
especialIy at thatage.

So, one has to make choices...

We have... to be men!

Sure, but I don't see
what you're getting at.

I'm sorry aboutthe film,

for Teresa,
l mean, she's got talent.

And you sure know how to choose.

Yes, she has taIent, and so?

l'm taking a year...

What's it calIed?

Ayearwhen you do nothing...
a sabbatical year.

When?

Know what my son said to me?

"I switch on the TV
in the hope of seeing you."

That made me think,
l need to take a break.

Take a break after the film.

-You made a commitment.
- l didn't sign.

And anyway,
that's not the point.

-You don't want to do BerIusconi?
- l've aIways been a fighter.

Allende, Vietnam,
the Actor's Union...

I want to take it easy.

What about the PoIe?

Want I taIk to him?
You'd rather teIl him?

Might be betterthat way.

You're realIy old schooI...

You immediateIy sensed l was...

Kiss me... Be good.

You'lI find a way...

Answering machine...

But he'lI turn up,
you know Marco.

Always working,
from one set to another.

At the moment,
he's mostIy with his kids.

Do you realise
how Iucky you are!

Pulici is like a Stradivarius,
the barest touch and he soars.

Let's not overpIay the actor.
The fiIm's more than him.

Like you said, operetta Italy...

It needs a solid actor.

But imagine if he weren't in it,

the film would Iose a lot,
yet it'd stilI have...

lt'd stilI have?

It'd have...

It'd stilI have the same punch.

I don't think so.

If he weren't in it,
you wouldn't do the fiIm?

Bruno, she's a novice,
it needs a famous actor...

Why are we taIking about this?

What's going on?

Teresa, I'd like a word...

PuIici's Ieft the film
so Sturovski won't do it.

-Why not?
- He can't.

l did what l couId.

But I don'teven have the strength
to return to the tabIe.

- I've got to go.
-Where?

See that bIonde overthere?
That's my wife.

We spIit up six months ago,
and thatguy, I don't know him!

Get me out of here!

Why did you do
this disgusting thing?

What do you want from me?
You scare me!

But you don't care
how the kids feel

to see theirfather
in this shithole...

That has nothing to do with it!

I bet it was you who punctured
my tyres, you bastard!

Are you crazy?

And even if it were true?

Who was that guy
at the restaurant?

We've separated.

The children know,
everyone knows.

What do you want from me?

Nothing, I just destroyed a sweater.

It was a gift, it was beautifuI.

What do you want?

ltwas a nice gift,
that's why l ripped it up.

Goodbye, PaoIa.

What must I do?

Any messages?

The bank is Iooking for you,
it's urgent.

Teresa was trying to get you too.

I have actors coming by.

Do l ask them to leave their photos?

I also gota calI from a festivaI,
"Cinema and PsychoanaIysis".

They want a copy
of"Maciste versus Freud".

- Do I send them one?
-As you like.

Coming by this afternoon?

PuIici's Ieft the fiIm,
Sturovski puIled out,

we're no longer making it.

What?

The whole thing's off.

But you have to make it!
We have to!

AfIat yelIow!

Why can't I find that little piece?

What did I do to you?

Good evening.

Cut!

Natives in position!
Gather around Columbus!

Without shoes, please.

Then we do a dolIy shot,

but tracking very, very slowly.

Make sure they know.

This is the triumph of CoIumbus.

No one beIieved in him...

but after seven months at sea,
suffering...

-Ah, l didn't know.
- Seven months!

...the world is gratefuI,
as thanks to you it has grown.

So, smiIe.

Where?

l said smile.

That's it, bravo!

No, the directorwas talking
about CoIumbus' smile.

-What about the Dominican?
-Take him out of shot.

We head overto Torvajanica...

have a nice pizza together.

Hey, you savages!
What's that pizzeria caIled?

"Uncle Scrooge's" at Torvajanica.

l heard you, quit yelIing!

No, nothing...

An actor has to concentrate
before playing a scene!

Darling, two more takes
and we're done.

-Action!
- lt's off.

Majesty, the joy of seeing you again
is boundless

as the ocean l have just...

crossed.

Sorry, Iet's do it again.

In position, one more time!

"...spouse Bonomo, born in Rome...

domiciIed in Rome.

The parties, whose identities
the notary hereby certifies,

have agreed to the folIowing..."

Everything alright?

You're sure?

- This is an important step.
-We know.

"Bruno Bonomo sells, cedes
and transfers his due rights

to haIf of the whole

to PaoIa Zamorani,
hoIderof the remaining rights,

who thus becomes the soIe owner..."

On the forehead!

ln you go.

Dad, heIp!

Don't panic!

That's the wardrobe truck,

where the costume designerworks.

And that truck
has alI the electricaI equipment.

And it's you who pays
all these people?

How do you do it?

Dad has enough money to telI just
one day in the Iife of the Caiman.

-Which one?
-The Iast day of his trial.

lt's dragged on forages,

but today he'II be decIared
guiIty or innocent.

Bruno, we're aImost ready.

What if it costs too much
and you don't have the money?

Don't worry about that.

And if the fiIm doesn't work?

Ifitworks, it works,
if it doesn't...

You'Il never make anotherfiIm?

Giacomo!

Paolo, in position!

Bodyguards!

Bodyguards, into cars, pIease!

Overthere!

Teresa, ready to shoot.

So...

Are you ready?

Everyone in position, pIease!

Off you go.

Camera.

RolIing!

Action.

A bit louder.

Action!

l wish to remind this court

that today I speak to you
not simply as one accused,

but also, and above all,
as a citizen,

to whom the majority of Italians

has entrusted the onus
and responsibiIity to govern.

Because you do govern this country

the ltaIians have the right to know
if you...

You are attacking me

as Prime Minister

and as a magistrate
you cannot do that.

lf you wish to engage in poIitics,
resign and get elected!

When I had cancer,

the Left gave me six months to Iive,
a yearat the most.

Because they thought they couId
beat me in the elections,

onIy with the heIp of cancer
orthe judiciary.

The anomaIy is not me,

it is the Communists,
and their hatred for me.

Their politicaI use ofjustice,
that is the ltaIian anomaIy.

We cannot continue to waste
public money

on a triaI based soIeIy on lies.

I am the onIy one to have governed
a complete term

and l've made more reforms
in five years

than the Left made in fifty.

It was not in government,
but it was in power.

In the schools, the universities,
the tribunals,

the newspapers, the television,

the judiciary,
the Constitutional Court.

ln a statement,
youradministrator

admitted to the existence
of slush funds

on your group's
foreign bank accounts.

Do you refute such a serious charge?

I invoke my right to siIence.

How sad it is, the Left.

lt is sad
and it makes peopIe sad.

But I wanted to give hope
to this country.

AIas, half ofthe ltaIian peopIe

can no longereven hope,
as alI they can do is hate.

That's aIl the Left knows how to do:
hate me.

You aIlocated large sums of money

to regularly pay magistrates

to accomplish acts
contrary to theirduty.

They were on your payroll
just like empIoyees?

Don'tanswerthat.

l've been reminded that I am late.

The Greek President is expecting me
for a key institutionaI meeting.

l had hoped that this time...

l beIong to a troika...

- Leave!
-Which heads the Council of Europe.

The accused continues
to evade this triaI.

Yet here, I read:

"AIl citizens are equaI
before the law."

But this citizen is perhaps
a bit more equaI than others,

as the majority of Italians...

the majority ofltaIians,

via free eIections,
gave him a mandate to govern!

My aIIies were nobodies.

They were Fascists.

l put them in government,
I made them ministers.

They were Christian democrats,
beating their breasts.

I reassured them.

Then,
those from the Northern League...

All ofEurope was telIing me:
"Careful, they are racists."

l got them to see reason,
l put them in government,

even though they insuIted me
and caIIed me a Mafioso.

l put them all in government.

Yet today,
not one of them has caIled me.

Five years have passed
since the first preIiminary hearing.

The accused has consistentIy
evaded this trial.

He did not attend
when summoned to do so.

He has done his utmost to pass laws

aimed at hindering
this trial's conclusion.

What's at stake in this triaI,

is the very possibiIity
of holding it,

so that the judiciary
might fuIfil its functions

in the service of the State.

Your Honour, one Iast thing
before the court retires.

l hope you are aware

that with yourverdict
you may change

the history of our country.

Prime Minister...

The court caIled, they are ready.

We're ready too, let's go.

Prime Minister,
what verdict do you predict?

...does sentence him
to seven years' imprisonment,

interdiction from pubIic office,

and suspension of civic rights
forthe term of the sentence.

The accused is also ordered
to pay alI IegaI costs.

The grounds for the decision
shaIl be Iodged within sixty days.

ln a IiberaI democracy,
the judges apply the Iaw.

They do not put up resistance,
resistance, resistance

to him chosen by the eIectors
to govern.

ln a IiberaI democracy,

he who governs may be judged
only by his peers,

namely, those elected by the people.

Yet the caste of judges

wishes to have the power

to decide in the electors' stead.

And l feeI the moment has come
to stop them.

With my conviction,

our democracy

has become a regime.

A regime
which aII free men like you

have the right to resist
using every means!

Adaptation: Peter Leonard

Subtitling: L.V.T. - DUNE MK