Original subtitles

Be sure you account for every dinar, Salmoneus.

My brother intends distributing them to the poor.

To the poor?

I mean, to the poor.

May they always benefit from the King's generosity.

Yes, he always had a big heart.

Why, I remember when we were little,

he gave my toys to the servant's children.

What an... Inspiration to us all.

Uh-huh. Um, I ought to get back to work.

I promised King Pholus I'd be done by the time he finished his nap.

Don't worry.

I'm sure you'll have plenty of time.

Alone at last.

Just the million of us!

And though we can't be together for long,

we'll always remember the time we shared.

Who's there?

I warn you, I know Hercules!

If anything happens to me, he's gonna be very upset.

Agh! Hey.

What's the big idea?

Please, I'm only the King's accountant! Take the money!

Just leave my commission, okay? I'll do anything!

You can start by letting go of my leg.

Your leg? Of course.

Shoeshine, Your Mercifulness? The name's Autolycus.

Perhaps you've heard of me?

Who?

Oh, the King of Thieves!

It's an honor to be robbed by you, sir.

Think nothing of it, my good man.

You say you know Hercules?

Me, Salmoneus, know Hercules?

We're the best of friends.

Like strawberries and cream,

apples and honey, peaches and herb.

Funny, he never mentioned you.

Really?

Listen, since we've got the big guy in common,

you're not gonna hurt me, are you?

Well, that depends on you, now doesn't it?

You can either stand here and watch me take this money,

or I can club you over the head, and I'll take it anyway.

What was the first part again?

King Pholus!

No!

Rosethorn...

- By the gods... - They've killed the King!

Well, best of luck.

Easy-elay-oo-hoo!

Autolycus, wait!

After all we've been through together!

You've got to take me with you!

Whoa, laddie. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ouch! Seal off the city!

I want them found! Right away.

Here. Get your fresh fruit here!

We've got apples, oranges, lemons, pineapples!

Oh, and pomegranates, prickly pears...

Can't find them anywhere.

Get your fresh fruit here.

Come on, sir. You sir. Fresh fruit for you, sir?

Fruit in the morning. Ah, you, miss...

What can I get for you this fine day?

Do you have any kiwis?

Sorry, we don't carry them.

That was close.

Tastes delicious. You going to eat yours?

Listen, melon head, I work alone.

Especially when I'm escaping certain death.

Hey, you're gonna have to pay for that!

Guards!

There they are! Uh, just put it on our tab.

Come back! Come back here! Don't let 'em get away!

Whoa!

They're the ones!

Wrong way. No, no, no!

They must've gone down here!

Where are we? TWANKY: Oh, no, no, no! Stop, stop, stop!

Would you stop that! It's pathetic!

Honestly, I've seen more creativity in a wet kipper!

Now, then, girls, women.

Dance is like a language.

You must use your bodies to speak.

And what does the body say?

It says, "Ooooh! Ooooh! I'm euphoric! Ooooh!

"Ooooh, ooooh. I'm melancholic."

But above all,

girls, you must use your bodies to tell the world, in no uncertain terms,

"I am woman."

That gives me an idea.

This is no time to be thinking about women.

On the contrary, my soon-to-be beardless friend.

Now is the perfect time.

One and two and three and four. Say...

What's your size? Huh?

This is the story of a time long ago,

a time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods were petty and cruel

and they plagued mankind with suffering.

Only one man dared to challenge their power.

Hercules.

Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen.

A strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.

He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful queen of the gods.

But wherever there was evil,

wherever an innocent would suffer,

there would be Hercules.

Ooh. Now, this is to die for.

Say, are you a spring or winter?

Winter. But that's not the point. We're innocent!

Oh, sure, they'll believe that.

You were holding the knife, and I'm the King of Thieves.

If we're lucky, they'll only kill us once.

That's a good point. Now,

about that make over... Uh, uh...

It is with a heavy heart that I take my brother's place on the throne.

But royal duty compels me to take control of his armies,

and his vast riches,

and his imported collection of fine jams and cheeses.

Now, then,

I need not stress

the importance of bringing these two assassins to justice.

We'll seal off the city and go door to door, if needs be, but I want them found!

Look and down and look

and head, yes round, round, round. Oh...

Oooh, lovely! Smile.

Smile! Good.

Oh. Now into the picture. Oh.

Oh, that's so lovely. That's wonderful, girls! Much better.

Now, then, take a break. Catch your breath. Uh.

Excuse us. Uh, hmm. Oh!

Well, I was going to say, "May I help you?",

but it appears events have passed us by.

Um, I'm Autolyca,

and this is my partner, Salmonella.

Charmed.

What happened to your face?

I cut myself.

Waxing. Ha.

Anyhoo, we're a couple of nomadic showgirls looking for a stage to grace.

Oh. Well, then.

Ladies...

I think you better show me your particulars.

No. What dance steps do you know?

Oh. Oh.

Uh. Oh.

Well, we know them all, the, the Mambo... Uh. The Tango...

The Cha-chi. And the Joanie!

Oh. Well, I can see you both have very sizeable resumes.

But unfortunately, all our positions are filled at the moment.

Oh. I knew it!

We're worthless! Oh! Ow!

Now, Salmonella, speak for yourself.

Uh, well...

Oh, I suppose an extra pair of legs can't hurt you.

Make you run faster, anyway.

You two can be our understudies. Oh, happy day!

Now then, I'm the Widow Twanky,

known throughout the Western world

as "Laughing Lizzie, the Sailor's Surprise."

Now, if you want to join my Traveling Terpsichore of Toe-Tapping Tulips,

you shall have to observe a few simple rules.

Oh, we'd love to hear them.

Well, rule number one.

We do two shows a day. Mm-hmm.

And after the second show, I like my Tulips flossed. Mm-hmm.

And in their pajamas and in bed.

And I'll even help tuck them in!

Rule number two.

No alcohol and no junk food.

Your body is a temple,

and I will not brook the sullying of its porticos on my watch.

Hallelujah.

And rule number three.

No men.

No problem! No problem! Hee!

Right.

Girls,

could I have your attention, please?

Let's give a big, warm, Tulip welcome

to the newest members of our troupe.

Autolyca and Salmonella.

Howdy-do, sisters! Oh!

Howdy-do! Howdy-do!

Right. Let's go from the top, shall we?

Um...

Why don't you two just sit this one out?

Rest your best feature, pay attention to the steps,

and you'll pick it up in no time.

Now, Cupcake,

are you ready? I was born ready!

Some girls die for diamonds

Some gals go for gold

But if you want the key to my heart

Just listen to what you're told

I don't need tons of jewels

Rings and things are meant for fools

To make our two hearts meet

Feed me something sweet

I crave lots of candy

Cookies and cakes are dandy

Let me lick your lollipop

And you can try my lemon drop

So if you dip into my cookie jar

Then Sugar Daddy, we'll go far

Kisses and hugs just ain't enough

I want a bite of your cream puff

Ooh, don't make me repeat

Feed me something sweet

Feed me something sweet

Bravo! Bravo!

What a snake charmer.

Tell me about it. If I don't get a looser skirt, I'm gonna blow my cover.

The Athens Grand Royale Hotel

have graciously extended to us

the full utilization of their facilities

whilst we're performing in the area.

And I don't want to catch any of you girls

in the gambling halls or the taverns. - Aww.

Am I making myself clear?

Yes, Widow Twanky.

Good.

Keep an eye out for them. They can't hide forever.

Front, boy.

Coming, sir.

This way, girls. Room assignments.

Watch your step.

This way, girls.

Quickly. Up you go. Up the stairs.

Oh!

Two whom does this belong? Cupcake?

Oh, Widow Twanky, Mistress Twanky,

I cannot tell a lie.

It's hers. What?

Sorry, sister. It's for your own good.

Smuggling sweets!

And on show day, as well.

But I...

Don't you "but" me, young lady!

Ow! Now, then,

you go up to your room, and you stay there all day.

And while the rest of us are relaxing in the spa,

you should have ample opportunity to discover the ramifications

of your ingestatory overindulgence!

Now, off you go!

- And you! Go on! - Yes, ma'am.

Well, come on. Your legs aren't painted on.

Oh-ho. Whee.

Whee!

Aw, gee, Autolyca,

thanks for saving my butt.

Oh, think nothing of it, Cupcake.

It's a butt worth saving.

Besides, us girls, we need to stick together.

Close together. Oh, I feel so bad about Salmonella.

Taking the blame for me, and all.

Oh, don't give it a second thought. I haven't.

I guess I'm a slave to my sweet tooth.

There's just something about frosting that makes me feel all...

Mmm... All boop-boop-a-doopy inside!

But you still manage to keep your figure.

Oh, I just hate you.

I swear, if I ever met a man who loves sweets as much as I do,

I'd tie him to my bed and never let him go.

I like the way you think.

So tell me, uh,

what else do you like in a man?

Well,

he'd have to be kind to animals, too.

And maybe a little,

I don't know, wild and dangerous!

Ooh. Arrgh!

But I guess that's just wishful thinking.

I haven't exactly been lucky when it comes to love.

Call it female intuition

but I think your luck is about to change.

Oh, ho, this is just great.

I can't believe I let him talk me into this!

I feel so exposed without my beard.

So vulnerable,

so naked,

so, so,

so smooth!

Mmm!

It's about time.

Well, hello.

Excuse us.

Didn't mean to disturb you,

Miss... Monella. Sal Monella.

What an enchanting name.

So full of mystery.

Can I help you with something?

Oh, have you seen these two men, Miss Monella?

No, no, no. Never, never, never.

Not allowed to have men. No, no.

Please, No.

Would you mind looking?

How hideous!

Don't be alarmed,

but these two men have assassinated the King.

But don't worry.

We've sealed off the city.

They'll be found soon enough.

I should hope so.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for my show.

Ah, you're a dancer. Well...

I should have guessed from the curvaceous musculature of your

legs.

So kind of you to notice.

Oh, very little escapes my watchful eye.

Especially when it is feasting on such a

gorgeous creature.

Perhaps we'll meet again, Miss Monella.

Only the fates can tell.

Bye!

Bye. Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, Salmonella, my friend, I haven't felt this way since, oh, last week.

Where have you been?

We've got to get out of here!

Oh, that Cupcake. What a dish.

Whooee! I ought to have her eating out of the palm of my hand by supper time.

Will you forget the girl? Gekkus and his men were just here.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're still alive. The disguise must've worked.

A little too well.

He kissed my hand.

Ooh, a wanted man, eh? You little vixen.

Hey, now, this is you.

Are we going somewhere? Not we. Me.

I borrowed these threads from a very generous looking couple.

They didn't seem to mind.

In fact, they didn't seem to notice.

Gadzooks.

If I were a woman, I'd kiss myself.

Wait! You can't leave me again like this.

Sorry, old girl, you're grounded.

Last one to their room's a rotten egg!

Oh!

I'm so sorry. Think nothing of it, my dear.

Why, the world is just a chaotic stage, just teeming with activity.

A little bump and grind here and there is to be expected.

Oh, gee.

I never thought of it that way, mister.

I guess you're right.

Why, where are my manners?

Ha. I forgot to introduce myself.

Farciferous Von Baklava, Esquire, at your service.

Oh! Golly! I have never had an esquire at my service before.

I'm Cupcake.

Oh, and is that your dog?

Why, yes, it is. Cupcake, meet Cream Puff.

I named her after my greatest culinary creation.

You... Invented the cream puff?

I certainly did. I own a string of bakeries all across Greece.

Oh, gods forgive me, but I am a slave to my sweet tooth.

Oh, you don't say?

Oh, I doo-bee-doo.

But the money, the castles...

That can't mean a thing to me until I know

all the animals of the world are safe and happy.

I guess that's why I turned my gardens into a

sanctuary for abused wildlife.

You mean, you care about animals that much?

How could I not? Just look at that face. Oh.

There, there.

I rescued Cream Puff here from a band of murderous pirates.

Oh, my!

That sounds so dangerous.

It was, Cupcake.

Very,

very, dangerous.

Oh, wow.

It's not every day that I meet an

animal-loving, daredevil pastry mogul with a sweet tooth like mine.

Come on, girls, hurry along.

Too many bubbles can make you go blind.

Cupcake, is this gentleman bothering you?

Oh, no.

I was just stroking his poodle.

You hardly know him.

Now, run along.

You're dripping all over the floor.

I guess I got to go.

It was nice meeting you.

Yes, well.

As for you,

if you wish to have anything more to do with my Cupcake

you will have to go through me.

You

strapping young buck.

You can lick my lollipop.

And I will suck your lemon drop. Da-da da-da da-da...

Peeping Tom!

Don't flatter yourself, cookie puss, it's me.

Can't a girl have some privacy?

Relax. It's nothing I haven't seen before.

On second thought...

Autolyca, it's Cupcake.

Can I come in?

Quick, get up and answer the door! She can't see me like this!

I'm in the tub.

Where are my melons? Don't look at me.

Autolyca? Just a minute.

In here, sweetie. In the bathroom.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting?

Not at all, Cuppie.

Three's company!

Oh, Autolyca, you were right.

I finally met my dream man!

Oh!

Oh, I just knew you would, snookie lumps.

Heh-heh. You know what I always say?

If something looks too good to be true, it probably is.

She's just jealous.

He sounds wonderful.

And who do we think we are today?

Xena and Gabrielle?

Now, come on girls, chop-chop! The stage awaits.

Well, looks like your not-so-secret admirer is here.

Just my luck. And my shoes don't even match my tail!

Oh! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness,

oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness...

Oh, what's the matter?

Reena and Deena... Food poisoning!

I told them to keep away from that pickled chinchilla.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

They were our opening act.

You two! You're on!

Us? Yes! With your dance experience,

the Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle should be no problem at all!

Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle?

Oh, sure. The Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle.

That's our favorite.

Oh, a couple of pros.

I love it. The show must go on!

Gee, you gals are a lot braver than I am.

Oh. Oh.

I'd be too embarrassed to go out there in front of everyone and get naked.

Naked?

Yoo-hoo!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Good evening, and welcome. Welcome one and all

to the Athenian Royal Palladium.

Now, are there any married men in the audience?

Yes. MAN 2: Yeah, I am.

Well, get home to your wives! Should be ashamed of yourselves.

Is there anybody from Corinth? It's over. Finished. Kaput.

Nothing personal, but I hate your guts!

You think you got it rough, puff ball?

The last thing I need to see before I go is you naked!

I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die!

Then let's make like Zeus, and bolt.

How can we? Gekkus's guards are everywhere!

And now, without any further ado,

I'd like you to put your hands together for

the Hoochie Coochie

Jiggle Wiggle.

Oh!

Oh, thank you, girls. That was a sublime performance!

Run along and have a light supper.

But remember to be back in time for tonight's show.

Oh, beautiful!

Where'd you score the buds?

Gekkus sent them to me.

He wants me to meet him for dinner at his castle.

What do you think? Should I play hard to get?

Is your wig on too tight?

Aside from the fact that he's trying to kill us, he seems like a really nice guy.

Listen, Sally, you're not that kind of girl, remember?

Oh, what do you know? You're just jealous 'cause nobody sent you flowers.

Sure, they did. Hey, give them back!

Nobody ever gave me flowers before! Here's one for your date.

By the way, clean up your side of the room, will you? It's a sty.

Well, I never!

Cupcake, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

I was just kind of hoping Farciferous would show.

Maybe he didn't like me, after all.

Now, I know that's not true.

These came for you.

Oh!

Oh, they're from Farciferous!

He wants to meet me at the gazebo!

Oh, that sounds so romantic.

I think he's the one for you, Cupcake.

My advice,

don't do anything I wouldn't do.

- And that's not a long list. - Oh, Autolyca.

You are so bad.

And it feels so good.

I didn't think you were coming.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, sweet cheeks, but...

Well, I had a delivery to take care of.

A delivery? Yes.

A pregnant yak went into labor.

Oh, but I'll spare you the gory details.

Oh, no, please.

Tell me what happened.

They were twins. Oh.

Two of them.

We tried to reach the bull,

but he was out grazing.

Oh, Farciferous, you are so brave!

Not at all.

It's what any extraordinary man in my position would've done.

Oh.

But enough about me.

I've got a little surprise for you.

Now, sit down right here.

For me?

May I? Uh, huh.

Oh!

Oh.

Mmm!

Sprinkles. My favorite.

Gimme some sugar, baby.

Oh!

Fricasseed squab. My favorite.

Leave us.

You are the most incredible woman I've ever met.

You're not just a dancer, you're an artiste.

Oh, Gekki.

You're such a talker.

I have something for you.

Mmm, no.

They're a family heirloom.

I want you to have them.

Oh, Gekkus,

I don't know what to say.

You're the first man,

who's ever given me his family jewels.

There's plenty more where they came from.

Oh.

Oh!

Cupcake, have... Have I done something wrong?

No.

You've done everything right.

Then what's the matter?

I'm so...

Happy.

Hate to see you depressed.

I never thought a small town girl like me

would be lucky enough to find a swell guy like you.

Most men lie,

and steal, and lead double lives.

But it's different with you.

It is?

I feel like I can trust you.

You do?

Oh, I may not be the smartest girl in the world, Farciferous.

But if you gave me half a chance,

I know I could make you happy.

I'm yours.

What's the matter?

Cupcake,

I think I...

Respect you.

Me, too.

Good.

Because I... I really have to go.

Did you enjoy your dinner, my darling?

Yes, thank you.

But I really should be getting back to the theater now.

Oh, but you will miss the best part.

Ohh!

Dessert.

I don't eat dessert on the first date!

I must have you.

But you don't know anything about me!

I know enough. I know I love you.

No!

I'm not that kind of girl!

I don't care what kind of girl you are.

All I care about is us.

Now my no-good brother is out of the way,

we can have the world.

But I thought you loved your brother.

Loved him? I loathed him.

Having him killed was my greatest triumph.

Now, kiss me, before I explode!

Does this mean we still can't be friends?

Salmoneus?

Where are you?

Well, at least one of us got lucky.

Who is it?

It's Cupcake. I need to talk to you.

Uh, just a minute.

Why, Cupcake, what's the matter?

Oh, Autolyca,

I don't know what I did wrong.

He just left me.

Oh, there, there, dear.

I guess I was stupid to think that

someone like that could love me.

Now, you listen to me, Cupcake.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Your heart's as big as they come.

And if he can't see what I see then,

he doesn't deserve you.

You're so good to me, Autolyca.

Why, you're the best friend I ever had.

Cupcake,

there's something I should tell you...

Well, well, well.

I should compliment you on your fashion sense. You almost had me fooled.

Almost.

Who are you?

You just don't know when to quit, do you?

I had you pegged as a guy from the get-go!

Let go of me! All right, cut it out!

It's me you want.

I'm sorry, Cupcake. I... I tried to tell you.

Take them to my castle, and summon the executioner.

Ugh! Get your hands off me! Ugh!

I never meant to hurt you, Cupcake. Honest.

Honest? That's a laugh.

Aren't you a heartbreaker?

Me? What about you?

If you'd been a better date, we wouldn't be in this mess.

If I'd been a better date, I'd be picking out a wedding dress now.

Would that be so bad?

Some people struggle their whole lives to find love.

I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment, okay?

Will you two shut up! He started it.

If I could just reach under my skirt.

You are desperate.

I just stopped by to tell you,

you'll be dead shortly.

Leave the girl out of this, will you? It's us you want.

Yeah. She doesn't know you killed your brother

and set us up for the fall.

Oops.

Listen, from now on, whatever instinct you have,

do the opposite.

I set you up because you are an idiot.

You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time,

which makes you an idiot, too.

You're telling me.

Well, enough chat.

Time to die.

Now would be a good time for some moves.

Ah, keep your skirt on.

Kill them!

Come on!

Agh! Come on, let's go!

May I?

You may. Come on!

Ugh!

Hurry!

After them!

Now then, girls, we're a few short,

so I'm going to improvise.

Now, then...

I want to see those legs high in the air,

but not too far apart.

Come on!

Ooh!

I think we lost them.

Yeah? You think they know that?

Agh!

Well, boys, any more bright ideas?

Oh! That hurt!

There they are!

It's about time you gentlemen showed up.

You knew we were men?

Oh, stuck out like a sore thumb.

Help!

I think that just about does it.

Oh!

Nobody move, or I cut the cake.

Wait, don't hurt her. Um, take us instead.

What are you, nuts?

Not another step!

He's a maniac. He killed the king.

No! No, it's not true.

I loved my brother. He...

He was like family to me.

Oh, men!

Enjoy your stay.

Cupcake, um,

I know there's nothing I could ever say to make up for what I've done and...

Well, you have no reason to believe a louse like me,

but when I told you I didn't deserve you,

I, um...

Well, I meant it.

Well...

It was interesting knowing you.

Cupcake...

The guy you're looking for is out there.

I know you'll find him.

Who knows?

Maybe you'll be that guy.

Someday.

I feel like such a fool.

I thought he liked me for me.

Men! They're only interested in one thing.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I feel so... So used.

Oh, well, never mind. Look, I mean, it's his loss.

Actually, uh... It is.

Oh!

Question, uh, if you knew that we were men, why'd you play along?

Well, I think all men should walk a mile in women's shoes.

They might learn a thing or two.

Don't you agree, sonny?

You said it, Twank. Oh!

Actually, my feet are killing me.

Well, we got to run.

Well, goodbye, boys.

And remember, I'll always keep a warm spot open for you.

You come back any time.

You never know.

Bye.