Original subtitles

You all look terrific.

Now, everybody should be two arms' lengths apart.

Two arms' lengths apart, yeah?

You know something, man... The object

is to create works of individual artistic expression.

Copying is strictly forbidden.

Ah! Here comes the guest of honor now!

Here he is! Ah, Salmoneus.

I got your message. It sounded urgent.

What could be more urgent than the burning fires

of creative inspiration? What?

King Armand wants a new centerpiece for his museum.

In exchange, he'll give a fortune to the war orphans' fund.

Minus my small finder's fee, of course.

Uh, how small? 50 dinars.

A pittance.

Financial remuneration is not always on my mind.

If we can serve these artisans, put them on the map

and serve charity at the same time,

it's all worth it, huh?

And after they're on the map, what's your cut?

Ah, 75 percent. Yep.

And well earned. If it weren't for me,

these guys'd be painting cows in pastures the rest of their anonymous lives.

I said no copying, Xerox!

Hmm.

Okay. This is for art and charity.

So, you want me to be a judge, right?

Ah, that. And I want you to pose.

You, my friend, are going to be a work of art!

I, uh, I don't think so.

I did mention charity.

The home for poor war orphans?

Fine.

They'd like you to take off your shirt.

Uh, it's more, um, expressionistic,

more Herculean.

Are you kidding?

I don't know... And I... See, there's a draft.

And I can't... A draft?

You are Hercules, aren't you?

"No, I can't help. There's a draft!"

Fine, fine, fine.

Just a thought, why stop with the shirt?

You know, they say the purest form of artistic expression

is the nude human figure.

Forget it!

Think of those orphans! You're talking about a draft?

They're sleeping under a roof that doesn't even exist! Huh?

Come on, be a sport! Be a hero!

Take off your clothes.

Do I at least get a curtain to change behind?

Shy, Hercules?

Hey!

Ah! Look who's here!

Oh, Atalanta! Hi!

I hardly recognize you with your thighs covered!

Oh. Hercules, Salmoneus, meet Curteus.

You know Hercules? How?

You said you were such a homebody!

Homebody! Kid, you shoulda seen her in the first Olympics.

- She took a... - Why, yes!

Just watching was exciting.

Curteus, would you like some punch?

Here, I'll get it.

Atalanta!

You look more like a schoolmarm

than a female powerhouse,

rippling with sensuous... Curteus likes the soft look.

I guess it's easier to imagine me baking cookies

than slaving over a hot forge.

Baking? Well, if you can throw a meal together

as well as you throw a javelin, I'm coming over for dinner!

That was then. This is now.

Hmm?

Look, I've spent my whole life

being competitive in a man's world.

At work, in sports.

And what do I have to show for it?

Well! Well, no social life. That's what!

Guys just think of me as one of the guys.

So, that's why I decided to change my look.

They're not interested in the real me.

If you think that, then you've been meeting the...

Wrong guys.

Yeah.

Boring artist-schmartishes.

Hey, get a load of the muscle lady in a dress.

Yeah. SWILLUS: Who'dathunkit?

A smithy with a girly streak.

Make that freak.

Careful your sweetie don't crush you when you snuggle.

Whadda you boys got against Atalanta, anyhow?

Whaddaya mean "boys"?

We had the only smithy business goin' till she came along.

Yeah, with her bleedin' heart. "Free plowshares for the poor."

Free plowshares? What's she thinkin'?

What's this about?

Oh, no.

Excuse me. Thirsty?

We'll fix that.

Here, cool off.

Curteus, what happened?

Sissy boy slipped.

Uh, why don't you guys just back off, okay?

What? Another defender of the helpless maiden?

You don't wanna mess with me and my clan.

Only three against one?

You really don't want to mess with him.

Who says there's only three of us?

Don't get bruised.

- Thanks, Salmoneus. - Finally a little action!

He don't look so tough!

I can... I can see the, uh, family resemblance.

- Let's get him!

Oh! Oh!

Get in there!

Not so fast, sister!

Come on!

Yes!

Come on!

Now that's what I call a work of art.

Hey!

Huh?

You're all beat-up, you no-good-for-nothin' lump.

You fancy lettin' a woman do that to you! What're you doin'?

Hey! Who turned out the sun?

This is the story of a time long ago,

a time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods were petty and cruel

and they plagued mankind with suffering.

Only one man dared to challenge their power.

Hercules.

Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen,

a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.

He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful queen of the gods.

But wherever there was evil,

wherever an innocent would suffer,

there would be Hercules.

Good job!

I'm, uh, sorry you got swept up into that.

Don't be. I haven't had so much fun in a long time!

Atalanta? Curteus, thanks so much

for sticking up for me.

I never realized you were so... So...

Surprising? Athletic?

So muscular.

I, uh, I gotta go.

Wait! Forget him.

The kid doesn't appreciate your womanly, wonderful, golden gorgeousness

like I do. He just wasn't the right one for you.

Oh? And who is?

Ahem! Not you, huh, Hercules?

Ah. I know.

Don't say it.

"We'll always be friends."

Ah.

Shoo!

Well, I did it again, Hephaestus.

Stuck my big foot in my mouth

and humiliated myself in front of the world.

And Hercules.

Um... No.

Uh, yeah. Oh, these oughta do it.

Well? Comin' right up.

It's about time. Mmm.

Oop.

Here you go! Thank you.

Let's hope they enhance the artistic symmetry and flow.

Yes.

Oh.

Ooh.

An inspiration!

Confidence!

Confidence!

Right. Okay!

Now, interpret what you feel.

Interpret what you see, hmm?

Each result should be different.

After this, you're all gonna be famous, huh?

Salmoneus. Yeah?

You're slowing them down!

Right.

Now, Hercules...

A little flex.

You're pushing it.

Work always makes me feel better.

All that racket.

Whaddya think she's buildin'?

If she's smart, her coffin.

So, what do you think, Hephaestus?

Good job, huh?

I always knew I had an artistic flair.

Well, if I can't have Hercules,

I guess this is the next best thing.

Forged of fire and steel.

No blood in his veins.

He can't disappoint me.

Can't hurt me.

Can't make me cry.

The perfect man.

We're alike, you and I.

Maybe it's...

my destiny to be

a living, breathing sculpture of muscle and flesh.

Apart from everyone.

Alone forever.

Oh, so that's what she's been up to.

Buildin' her very own boyfriend!

Here.

When she gets back, we're gonna stick them muscles a'hers

an' see if they bust!

Well, I dunno.

Swillus said let's wait till Hercules leaves town.

Well, Swillus ain't here, is he?

Now, get ready!

Hercules?

"Hercules"?

Hmm.

Is this a joke?

Hephaestus, is this your doing?

I asked for the perfect man. I guess I got him.

Well, maybe not exactly what I expected!

Oh, boy, this is wild!

You sure look like the real one.

Atalanta, you here?

I got some horses need shoein'. Hmm!

I gotta go. Just stay put.

Stay!

Stay.

Hmm? Huh?

Yolk for the yokel.

How's it taste? Yummy?

Yummy.

Hmm?

No, thanks. Already had a hearty ambrosia breakfast.

Gotta admit, old Hephaestus sure does good work.

You look like Hercules, all right. Hmm?

Hercules?

No. You're Hercules.

I'm a goddess, dummy. Discord's the name.

Hmm.

I got me some big family shoes to fill,

and I just know you're gonna help me fill 'em.

Just as soon as I unleash you

on that big, wide world, that is.

Go, enjoy!

Go on. Atta boy.

Back left. All right, geniuses!

It's time for Hercules to pick a winner!

I'm sure they're all wonderful

and choosing one won't be easy.

I've waited for this all my life! Ah!

It's an eye.

It's the eye of Hercules!

It's... It's... It's abstract.

It... It sends chills down my spine.

Very incisive, Picassus!

I got naked for an eye. What... What do you think?

It's not like what I draw at home.

But I'm sure it's very good.

Moving on.

Ah!

Uh, forgive me, Davincion,

but it... It looks a little feminine.

Don't be so literal. These are artists.

Everything is imaginative. Everything is completely original!

Next, Xerox.

Not everything is completely original.

Moving on!

I call it, The Ponderer.

Yes, you would. I mean, what else could you call it?

He ponders.

Next, we have that fine young renderer of pop culture,

Warholocles.

Words fail.

Hercules, it's gonna be a tough job,

but you've gotta pick a winner. - There he is!

Hercules! We need your help!

The mine caved in. Some of the men are trapped!

Salmoneus, this can wait. Let's go.

No, it can't! Hercul... Herc, don't. You...

We're gonna have a slight delay.

All right, we're gonna have to set some ground rules.

For one thing, hay is for horses, not for...

Hello?

Hello?

Where'd he go?

Oh, great!

Hercules! Ah, thank the gods!

I thought you were still back at the art fair.

Anyway, I could use some help!

Help? Yeah.

All you gotta do is... Is grab 'em and lift.

Like this.

Okay.

All right.

I like helping. Bye.

Hurry! There you go! Come on, help him.

Get him through. Quick! Come on!

Is that everybody?

That's the last of 'em!

Thank you, Hercules.

We're lucky you were on hand to help.

I'm glad I could be here to... To help out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go judge an... An art fair.

I just don't see it.

Ah, Hercules!

Ah! Finally he's back! - He's returned!

Everything turn out okay at the cave-in?

Of course it did, why ask?

Let's get on with this thing, huh?

Artists are so temperamental.

This way.

You okay?

It's, uh, pretty.

Yeah, pretty.

Uh, Hercules.

Which one of these works of art, "Portraits of a Hero,"

has touched your heart, stolen your soul?

Excuse me, I don't think that's... Honey.

Stop bothering the artists, huh? Go, stand over there.

Way over there!

Keep going!

Atta girl!

Hiya, metal head.

Hmm.

And they call these monstrosities "art"?

I kinda like 'em all. He likes them all!

He likes them all.

But, unfortunately, King Armand only wants one.

Which one is it to be, Hercules?

They're all so... Hideous?

Hideous.

Hercules!

Hmm?

Those things don't look like you! They're ugly.

They're making fun of you.

They're not your friends. They don't even like you.

They're laughing at you. Destroy them!

I said, destroy them!

Hercules, what are you doing?

They're making fun of me!

Oh, no, no! No!

Everybody's a critic!

Hey, how ya doin'? Good, thanks.

Oh!

Makin' fun of me!

I'll show you!

Hey, watch it!

I'm sorry, I, uh, guess I wasn't watching where I was going.

You look like me.

There you are! Now, why did you go without, um...

Hi, fellas.

Atalanta, who is he?

She made me.

Then Hephaestus brought him to life.

Well, uh, I'm sure Hephaestus meant well.

But, uh...

This isn't natural. Nothing good can come from this.

Would you please stop doing that?

Would you please not do that.

Look, I didn't ask for him.

Okay, well, maybe I did, but I didn't realize it.

Anyway, he's here, and I can't send him back.

So, I'm gonna have to just make the best of this.

Teach him things.

I want to learn.

I'll bet you do.

Y'know, you may not be able to handle him.

What happened back there?

Looks like he threw a little tantrum. No one got hurt.

Yeah, not this time.

I was just tryin' to have a little fun!

I'll keep a closer eye on him. You're coming with me.

Bye.

Atalanta, this isn't right!

Hercules, please!

I am a big girl.

I've finally found someone who accepts me for me.

Maybe he's not perfect. But neither am I.

Can't I just enjoy myself?

Oh, Hercules!

Now some of that stuff may have been a tad ostentatious.

But don't you think destroying everything was a little over the top?

Hercules?

Hercules?

Looky who's...

Look who's... ATALANTA: Come on.

Look who... Ooh!

There're two of you, huh? I'll explain later.

I may not have a later. Those guys wanna lynch me!

You're stepping on my masterpiece!

That's if they don't kill each other first.

Work's done. Now, about that dinner I promised you.

I hope you like mushroom soup.

Ah!

Ow!

It's my favorite.

How'd you know?

I make it my...

I... I make it my, uh, business to know all about you, Atalanta.

You're more talented than I thought.

I really wasn't expecting this.

I'd better get cleaned up. You're perfect.

Oh, you're... You're perfect the way you are.

Am I dreaming?

It's barely been a day since you were born and now this.

I'm a fast learner, with you to teach me.

I'm a fast learner with... With you to teach me.

What did I tell you? Miss Lonely Hearts is eating this right up.

Now, pour the wine.

Not too fast! Like we practiced.

Remember your line.

You read my mind.

Uh, a toast.

To the light of my life, with love.

Funny.

You don't drink.

I mean, Hercules doesn't drink.

This tastes good!

Careful! Don't blow it.

I do a lot of things Hercules doesn't do.

I do a lot of things that Hercules doesn't do.

Hello?

Can we pick up the pace, please?

Um... What's your sign?

No! Not that! Not yet!

I beg your pardon?

Be aggressive. That's what she really wants.

Ready for dessert?

Whoa! Slow down! Come on, you know you want it!

What I want, I don't hide.

But this is just all happening too fast.

Mmm, such a tease.

This is weird. I don't know who's teaching you your moves,

but you've got a lot to learn about romance, my friend!

What? Talk about mixed signals. The prude.

Hercules was right.

This was a big mistake.

Go back to the barn!

Go!

I hate the barn!

Spoilsport.

She's under a lot of pressure. Poor thing.

See, there are some bullies in town that want to do a number on her.

What do you mean, a "number"?

Stomp her, mess her up.

Squash her like a bug.

They want to hurt her? That's not good.

Now, a real man would defend his lady's honor.

How?

Atalanta'll be angry If I leave the stupid barn.

Ever hear the expression "whipped"?

I tell ya.

There's another Hercules!

He attacked us in her barn!

Just as strong. Only dumb as a stump!

Look who's talkin'.

Get outta here, ya bums!

Come on. Let's get outta here.

You don't believe us. Fine!

But it really happened!

It's a burden, havin' all the brains in the family.

Well, if it ain't the big man hisself.

I'm here to defend my lady's honor!

What a load'a...

Make way! MAN 2: Ah.

What happened? It's Swillus.

Somebody snapped his neck like a twig. Swillus?

Sounds like that Neanderthal you and Atalanta fought.

He won't be missed.

Probably one of his own kin did it. They're always feuding.

We'll get 'em. MAN 3: Come on.

I have a bad feeling about this.

There you are.

Look, I'm, uh, sorry about last night.

That's all right. Tonight will be even better.

Listen to me.

I am a woman.

And you are... A child.

There can't be anything between us.

Do you understand?

I defended your honor.

I saved you from that bully! You're supposed to be happy!

What are you talking about? What bully?

Don't worry.

I fixed him. He will never bother you again!

Atalanta!

Are you all right? He's gone crazy!

No! Don't stop him!

Let him get it out of his system. He's not hurting anyone.

Unfortunately, somebody already has been hurt.

I know. I just found out about it.

You wait here!

All right, pal, you and I need to have a little...

Chat.

Welcome to the party, Hercules.

I'm afraid the guest of honor cut out early.

Hello, Discord. Now it's all starting to make sense to me.

Discord's here?

Guess so.

Too late. Your boy toy flew the coop.

No! He can't control his anger. He's a menace to everyone!

That's what she's counting on. I'll be blamed for all the trouble he causes.

I think our little tin soldier's had enough time

to start doing some damage.

Ah. No!

Nice try.

Bye for now.

Come on. We've got to find him fast!

We've got them! We didn't do it, I tell ya.

We didn't kill our brother! It musta been that other Hercules!

He's just as strong and meaner'n a centaur on gelding day!

That's ridiculous! You're drunk, like always!

Send 'em to Tartarus! No, no, no!

Excuse me! Please! Please! Please!

You're making a terrible mistake! They're telling the truth!

Well, at least part of it. There is another Hercules!

Ohhh! How can that be?

Atalanta built a statue. Hephaestus brought it to life!

- Huh!

But... But don't worry. Hercules is handling it.

Everything is under control.

A killer with the strength of Hercules! We gotta get him!

You don't... You don't... Wait! Don't!

I'm such an idiot! If he hurts anyone, it's all my fault!

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's Discord who's to blame.

No, I don't deserve to get let off the hook.

I should have known this whole situation was trouble from the start.

There's no way you could've known that.

I tried to pretend a lump of steel was a person.

Someone I could care about.

And even worse, I tried to pretend I was somebody I'm not.

You wanted a friend.

Someone to talk to. Someone to share things with.

There is nothing wrong with that, right?

Yeah.

I should have listened when a real friend tried to set me straight.

Ah! You were confused. That happens to all of us.

Even you?

Even me.

Let's get him.

A simple art festival.

Helping war orphans! What could go wrong with that? Huh!

I guess I found out, didn't I?

Hey!

Uh-oh.

From the look on that face, you're not the good one, are you?

Not that you're not "good"! Hey!

What's a few psychotic, homicidal tendencies among friends?

Speaking of friends, did you know

that I'm one of Hercules' best friends?

I mean, the real Hercules, huh?

Are you saying I'm not real?

Hey! You look plenty real to me!

Nice tone!

Atalanta sure didn't skimp on the metal and steel when she made you.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

You come back to the art festival,

and I'll guarantee that you'll win the grand prize!

How do you like that, huh?

You talk too much. Shut up!

Okay. I'm shutting up.

But if anything happens to me, Hercules is gonna find out.

And... And you're gonna be sorry. I'm shutting up now!

Aaah!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Oh! Put him down.

I was about to. Don't encourage him!

Ugh! Oh! Oh!

Thank you.

It doesn't have to be this way.

You're confused. Discord's been steering you wrong.

Discord wouldn't lie to me! She's my friend!

No!

Atalanta?

I'm... I'm sorry, I would never hurt you.

But you almost did.

Let us help you.

Kill Hercules! Kill Hercules!

There they are! Get 'em!

Which one's the real Hercules? Who cares! Get them both!

No! Stop!

No! He's Hercules!

Kill him! Yeah!

Look out!

Come on! Everybody stick together!

Hey! You're coming with me!

He's got Atalanta!

Salmoneus, take care of these people!

Stop! Stop, you're hurting me!

Oh, I'm not even squeezing hard.

If he held you twice this tight, you'd like it.

I can't help how I feel about him.

I don't get it!

We are exactly the same! Only on the outside!

On the inside you're not even human.

I should have seen it sooner. Yeah.

We'll see how you feel about me when he's not around anymore!

Stop fighting me!

Come on!

Stop it!

Get over here! Agh!

What a man! Welcome back.

I've been keeping the home fires burning.

When Hephaestus finds out how you've ruined things,

he'll pound you senseless!

Unfortunately for you, poor love-struck Hef

is off chasing after Aphrodite.

Don't you hurt her!

Relax, dimwad, and pay attention.

Hercules should be coming through that door right about... Now!

Hey!

That's it. Kick him when he's down!

Whoa! Not bad for a mortal.

It won't happen twice.

It's over, Discord. Go home.

Oh, fine! I was getting bored here anyway.

Here's a little something to remember me by.

Atalanta!

Look out! ATALANTA: Aah!

Now's your chance! Get him!

I've got it. Help her.

Atalanta?

A dress, to replace the one that got ripped to shreds during the fight.

Oh, thanks, Salmoneus.

But no, thanks. I've learned my lesson.

I like who I am and I'm never gonna hide that again.

I'm glad to hear that.

In the case, would you pose for a papyrus pinup I was thinking about?

I'm thinking of folding it three ways,

putting it in the middle of a men's Gentlemen's Quarterly scroll.

We attach it with a caraway seed to your navel...

Well, hello there.

I drew you, Hercules.

Let's have a look.

Oh!

Salmoneus, I think we've found the winner of the art fair.