Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen,

the motion picture you are about to see

is unquestionably one of the finest films ever produced.

With a cast of thousands--

( laughs ) A cast of thousands.

Ahem, yes. A cast of thou--

a cast of thousands.

It represents a pinnacle of achievement

in the art of the motion picture.

At a cost of over $20 million--

( laughs ) $20 million!

$20 million!

( clears throat )

It was filmed on location in Hollywood, Paris,

Rome, Lisbon, Peoria, Tuscaloosa...

( music playing )

♪ Well, let me tell you now where education is concerned ♪

♪ What they thought they taught me ♪

♪ Is not the same as what I learned ♪

♪ Now everybody says I'll never win that Nobel Prize ♪

♪ But I learned that being clever is not the same as being wise ♪

♪ I don't care what you say 'cause I've made up my mind ♪

♪ Gonna do what I want, gonna leave the rules behind ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na nobody's gonna put me down ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na no one ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na nobody's gonna put me down ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na no one ♪

♪ Now, I'm not that loud, hopefully ♪

♪ And I try to be myself

♪ But everybody tries to turn me into someone else ♪

♪ I don't want to be a leader and I don't want to be led ♪

♪ I spend all my time just trying to keep this ♪

♪ One big step ahead...

( tires screeching )

- ( gunfire ) - ( screaming )

( music playing )

( explosion )

( tires squealing )

You must work quickly.

( siren blaring, tires screeching )

( crowd cheering )

( static hissing )

Man: Hey, turn those TVs off!

( banging )

Hey, you hear me?

Turn those damn TVs off, you idiots!

( banging )

The movies are over!

They're over! The movies are over!

Turn off the TVs! What are you, stupid?

Turn off-- ah! What, honey?

What? I can't hear you. I'm yelling.

Vinnie.

Hey, wake up, man. The movie's over.

Hey, Tony, you gotta see this.

There's a guy in this movie looks just like you.

Great 3-D effects.

Vinnie, it's me. It's me, Tony. Wake up.

It's me, Tony, in the flesh. Hey, come on, you gotta get up.

Get up. Come on. Come on.

Snap out of it. Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie!

What-- what? What? What are you doing?

What's going on?

Hey, man, you're going off the deep end.

I think you got small box disease.

Me? Small Box? No way.

- No? - No.

Yeah? Come here. Let me show you something.

Take a look in the mirror.

( screeches )

Yeah, I do look a little under the weather.

Man, we gotta get out of the house.

We've been holed up here for, what, four days now?

We gotta do something.

- So what do you wanna do? - I don't know.

Let's play tennis.

Yeah, great. We got one racket.

- All right, forget tennis. - ( glass breaks )

How about we do some laundry?

What for?

Hey, I got it.

What do you say we go to a sushi bar?

- Sushi? I love sushi. - Yeah?

Yeah, if it's cooked right.

If you had a brain, you'd be lonely.

What do you mean by that?

No, that goes, "If my brain was lonely"--

Oh, just shut up, will ya?

What did I say?

Now, you tell me, what did I say?

This is it!

- Check this out, man. - What?

All-the-movies- you-were-ever- dying-to-see-

but-were-too-embarrassed- to-pay-five-bucks-for film festival.

All these movies for the price of one admission.

All right!

( both cheer )

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, it makes good financial sense as well.

Yeah, plus we get to get out of the house for a few hours, right?

- Right, right, right. - And we also get to mingle briefly with humanity.

Right, right, right.

- Then... - Then?

We get to settle in for eight or...

( both ) nine hours of nonstop movies!

Movies, movies, I love movies!

- I love movies! - Okay, okay.

- Vinnie, Vinnie. Listen, listen, look. - What?

We're gonna need some sustenance.

Yeah, we're gonna need some food too.

All right, man, let's go. I'll do the driving.

I know how to get there.

You sure you know how to get there, man?

Definitely.

( car tires squealing )

Hey, man, what are you stopping for?

We only got two minutes to get there.

No problem.

I just had the turbo installed.

( tires squealing )

( tires screeching )

Whoo. Hey.

Nice dress.

Hey, man, what the heck is wr-- you coulda ki-- what--

Hey, will you cut the chatter?

The show's about to start.

See, see? We made it.

Announcer: The show starts in one minute.

- Where do you wanna sit? - A chair, definitely.

( sighs )

- Is this good, Vinnie? - Yeah.

Come on, you got an arm rest.

Hey, I wonder if they're gonna show "Debbie Does Dallas."

Yeah, right. With Debbie Reynolds.

No, that wasn't with Debbie Reynolds, man.

Come on, she's a big star.

No, you're right.

No, it was Debbie Harry.

It was not Debbie Harry, either.

No? Then who was it?

I don't know who it was, but I mean,

it wasn't Debbie Harry or Debbie Reynolds.

No, no, you are right.

That was Debby Boone.

Vinnie, the character's name is Debbie.

That doesn't mean they hire somebody

whose name is Debbie to play the part.

- What's the matter with you? - That was Debby Boone.

- That was Debby Boone. - It was not Debby Boone.

Out of all people, she wouldn't be doing--

- Definitely it was Debby Boone. - Vinnie--

All right, just shut up. The movie's gonna start.

♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

♪ To get ourselves a treat ♪

♪ Delicious things to eat

♪ The popcorn can't be beat... ♪

No, you're right. I'm wrong.

It was Debbie DiBona.

Debbie who?

Debbie DiBona.

That girl we met at that party in Jersey City.

Hey, man, that girl was not a serious actress.

No? Well, she acted pretty good with me.

( music playing )

Announcer:

Narrator: This man is dangerous.

He carries no gun, no knife, no dynamite.

Locked in his brain is a power

stronger than a load of dynamite--

the power to read men's minds

and corrupt their women.

This is "The Psychic."

The only man on Earth who can force things to happen.

This woman has never known what it means

to be controlled by a man.

Girls barely out of their teens watched

without really knowing what they saw.

Here was a power that could have changed the world.

Instead, it led him down wild and abnormal adventures

that could only happen to...

the Psychic.

I love you.

I love you.

Narrator: The whole world acclaimed

his strange talent.

But as his powers grew,

his lust included every woman who crossed his path.

It made no difference who they were.

The highest society glamour girls,

aloof and distant from most men,

were his to claim.

And there were others who fell into his arms and awoke later

horrified and ashamed of the unnatural acts

they performed under the power of...

the Psychic.

Never in the history of motion picture entertainment

has the supernatural been dealt with so brutally,

so frankly, so fantastically.

The motion picture that tells it

as it has never been told by ordinary men.

"The Psychic."

Man: You're all invited to a centennial celebration.

Narrator: What they were celebrating wasn't important

and it sounded like a heap of fun, until...

2,000 maniacs crazed for carnage

started bathing an entire town in pulsing human blood.

You'll see six young strangers

doomed to slaughter by an ancient curse.

♪ ...his lips there came an awful sound ♪

♪ And from his lips there came an awful sound ♪

-♪ Yee-haw! - ( screams )

Narrator: Brutal, evil, ghastly beyond belief.

You'll see the most diabolical device ever contrived,

designed solely for assassination

by a town of madmen insane with bloodlust.

( banjo music continues )

♪ Stonewall took a gun

♪ And he made the Yankees run... ♪

Narrator: 2,000 maniacs

gruesomely stained in blood color.

♪ Old Stonewall said, I'm a-giving you ♪

♪ A dying man's request

♪ I'm a-giving you a dying man's request ♪

♪ Yee-haw!

Narrator: Starring "Playboy's" favorite Playmate,

Connie Mason.

♪ Yee-haw!

♪ Oh, the South's gonna rise again. ♪

Announcer:

Experience nonstop laughter.

Nail-biting moments of--

- ooh, suspense. - ( screams )

- Witness scorching scenes of love... - ( screeching )

- and throbbing displays of lust. - I don't care if you

love him or not, I want you!

Announcer: See special effects that will boggle your mind.

See the human body like you've never seen it before.

So sit back.

You are about to enter the world of...

Film House Fever!

This picture,

truly one of the most unusual ever filmed,

contains scenes which under no circumstances

should be viewed by anyone with a heart condition

or anyone who is easily upset.

We urgently recommend

that if you are such a person

or the parent of a young or impressionable child now in attendance

that you and the child leave the auditorium.

( woman screaming )

- ( coughing ) - Jesus.

Aw. Gimme a break.

We are not butchers, Groton.

We don't have this young lady here

to merely drain her body and cast her aside.

No, we are scientists,

and we must have others to experiment with.

You understand that, Groton?

And you also understand what must happen to you once again?

( panting )

Aw, come on, will ya?

The second time you've done that tonight.

I hear it again.

Like a huge dog prowling the beach.

( panting )

I hear it now too.

Oh, don't listen to it.

Let's get outta here.

( screams )

- Behind you! Behind you! - It's the killer! Look out!

Tony: What's the matter with her, Vinnie?

- Don't-- - Vinnie: Oh, my gosh!

( woman screaming )

Oh, no!

( both screaming )

- Vinnie: No! - Get--

( Groton laughs )

( choking )

( rattling )

( echoes ) Get out of the car, Dr. Beaumont.

An old friend of yours, eh, Doctor?

You'll see that Frankenstein and I have made

some improvements.

( laughs )

( muffled yelling )

( screams )

( screaming )

- I don't believe it. - I love her.

Vinnie: You love her?

Yes. Yes. Look at her.

She can't do anything. Look at her hair.

- Tony: What's the matter-- - Look at her hair.

What's matter with her hair? Who cares about some hair?

- What's the matter with you? - It's not even hers.

Over there, we'll be able to see for miles from that bluff.

- ( roaring ) - Man: They look like some kind of...

prehistoric monsters.

( growling )

Man: I'm glad they're down there and we're up here.

( yelling )

Whoa!

Ow!

( sighs ) Why-- oh!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Stop! - ( screams )

- Die! - ( gunshot )

( groaning )

Man: Oh, my God.

Today, television and films give you the luxury

of observing grisly dismemberments and deaths

without anyone actually being harmed.

- ( maniacal laughter ) - ( screaming )

( screaming )

But, ladies and gentlemen,

have you ever seen the sight

of human butchery in person?

( screaming )

Isn't there one lady among you

who is considerate enough to satisfy

her fellow human beings' lust for blood?

( screams )

( screaming )

( screams )

Man: Give yourself up to the gods.

George!

Holy bananas! It's a girl's leg!

It's a blood feast.

Our hands are bleeding.

Greg, Greg, Greg! Look at your hand!

( screaming )

I'm bleeding all over the place!

Greg, Greg! It's Montag.

He's doing it. Montag!

- ( screams ) - ( screams )

We've gotta stop him. He's going to kill everyone.

A pathological killer on the loose

and we can't find one clue.

Steve, look at your hand! Steve, Steve!

Steve, look at your hand. It's Montag.

He's doing it. Montag!

Concentrate on putting your being

into my mind.

- This guy is-- forget it. - Where'd they find this guy?

This guy can't act his way out of a paper bag.

- Oh, pfft, hey. - No, I'm serious.

I saw him in a movie where he was in this big paper bag, man.

Couldn't hear him, nothing.

Look deeply at me.

This guy stinks.

Tony: Boo. Boo.

- Boo! - Let's go. Come on, next movie.

Do you recognize this magazine, Miss Walker?

Yes, I recognize the magazine.

Do you know about the picture on page 15 of this issue?

Yes, I know about the picture on page 15.

Well, tell me, please, Miss Walker,

do you expect us to employ as a teacher in our school

a woman who subscribes to immoral practices?

Why, it's sinful, downright sinful.

Any woman who thinks nothing of running around naked

has no business teaching our children.

You seem to think I've committed

some sort of crime.

But there's nothing obscene in the human body.

Every nudist I know is a decent, respectable person,

who believes, as I do, in the glory of the sun.

"The glory of the sun." ( scoffs )

Don't tell me they can't get no sun.

Let 'em buy a sunlamp

and get their sunshine in their own bedroom at home.

Narrator: At 11 a.m. on the Saturday following the special meeting

of the Newton Board of Education,

Keith Lawrence accompanied Pamela Walker

to the Sunshine Nature Camp.

Like most first-time visitors,

Keith Lawrence felt a strong sense of embarrassment.

It was a strange new experience for Keith Lawrence.

The initial shock of seeing this lovely girl nude passed quickly.

He was amazed at her complete naturalness,

at the complete naturalness of all the other nudists.

The more he saw,

the more he became convinced that nudism

is a happy, healthy, wholesome way of life.

At no time did Keith witness

any evidence of immorality or lewdness

in the Sunshine Nature Camp.

Ives opened the meeting,

again referring to the picture in "Nudist Life."

It was indecent, he claimed.

Immoral. Disgusting.

Let's vote here and now

to get her out of our school and out of our community.

Just-- just a minute, Mr. Ives.

Never in my life have I met such fine and decent people

as I met at the Sunshine Nature Camp.

And never in my life have I felt so clean...

so natural, and so alive.

Well, Olive, it seems clear to me

that if we put this matter to a vote,

you and I are gonna lose.

This meeting is now adjourned.

Narrator: On the afternoon of May 5th,

a singular victory was achieved.

Whether this victory is significant

lies with you, the viewer,

because only an enlightened, intelligent public

can see the truth.

Dave, do you ever wonder what all these people

in all these cars are doing?

Nice thoughts for a young girl like you.

Oh, I don't mean that.

Honestly, Dave, sometimes you just say the worst things.

What's on your mind?

Well, you know, we treat men like they're slabs of meat

hanging on a hook at a butcher shop.

It's about as romantic as buying a hunk of baloney.

You know, you're about as much fun as cancer.

You know, sometimes you make things sound

- as exciting as a shoelace factory. - Hey.

Hey, stop! Let go of the strap.

Why don't you take that thing off?

It makes me nervous.

( laughs ) I don't dare.

You might lose it.

Then where would you be with half a suit?

You keep feeling around,

and I'm liable to lose something else.

Hey! You won't lose it.

I'll know just where it is.

( snaps fingers )

♪ And you'll never bruise my heart... ♪

- Come on, Larry. - You don't like my singing?

- I like your singing. - You don't like my song?

- I like your song. - Well?

It's you I don't like.

What is it?

You didn't force me to do anything.

( jazz music playing over radio )

I don't care if you love him or not,

I want you!

I want you, beautiful.

I want you real bad, hear?

What is wrong with you?

He's no good and you know it!

- How about a kiss? - Go take a shower in formaldehyde.

Well, that is the dumbest thing you've ever said, you know that?

Well, then maybe I'm dumb.

Oh!

You little witch!

( alarm ringing )

Or maybe there's a guy in one of those cars

who's absolutely out of his mind

to make mad, passionate love to his best girl.

You must like me, Willie.

Oh, yeah, I-I like you, Marlene.

I like you very much.

Oh, this is funny.

I find a girl I could really like,

and it has to be a million miles from Earth.

Yeah, that's really funny.

Feelings get a man in a lot of trouble.

You men are all alike.

The music's on, the booze is on ice,

and all us girls are ready,

- so let's make it, boys! - All: Yeah!

( music playing )

Makes me think of my first kiss.

Two weeks ago? ( chuckles )

Sorry, man.

Peg, I want you.

More than the rest of them put together.

There's lots of newer merchandise in the store, Ken.

I don't want any other merchandise.

Ken, I don't think we want the same things out of life.

I'm not the vine-covered cottage type.

For the first time in my life, I'm going someplace...

and I like it.

I love her.

I've seen

every one of her movies four times.

- Vinnie: Every one of them? - Every one.

- Vinnie: No. Four times? - I've seen every--

she's only made two movies.

I've been in three and four times a night.

I noticed.

You must be crazy about our coffee.

Hate the stuff.

Aren't you doing it the hard way?

Been wanting to talk with you.

About our coffee?

No, beautiful. About you.

Why does a beautiful doll like you waste her time slinging hash?

It's a job. What else would I do?

You ever think of modeling?

A lot of money and a fine future in it.

You got a lot on the ball.

Sounds like a gag, but this is on the up-and-up.

All you gotta do is look pretty.

Here's my card.

Drop in tomorrow. I'll look for ya.

- What is this? - What's the difference?

You're here, make the best of it.

Come here. ( muttering )

Beautiful girl.

That's the last time you'll do that.

Woman: And this is where it ends.

But there'll be more Sally Downs

and more Tommys, more Nicks, and more tragedy

as long as there continues to be crime and corruption.

( fanfare )

Announcer: The show starts in one minute.

Vinnie: How do they do that?

It's magic.

Vinnie: I've done special effects.

- No way. - Yeah, yeah.

- Come on. - I used to make movies.

- Really? - Super 8s.

- Super 8s? - Great.

You used to make movies? Everybody makes Super 8 movies.

What's the matter with you? Don't make you a moviemaker.

Yeah, but I did special effects.

- Like what? - Special effects. I did everything.

You know that one where the guy's head gets cut off?

I did it better.

The one with the glass-- ( gutteral exhale )

- cuts his head-- I did it better. - How'd you do it?

They, in fact-- I think the guy saw my movie.

- Really? - Yeah.

I didn't get no money for it, either.

No money.

They stole it.

Announcer:

( gasps )

( screams )

( wailing )

( yelling )

Ow!

( groaning )

Rocket ready.

Count down.

Woman: 10, nine,

eight, seven, six,

five, four,

three, two,

one, zero.

- Dr. Rynning, are you all right? - ( alarm blaring )

I'm all right.

I'm all right. Leave me alone.

Bob, you okay?

Oh, wow.

Next time, I'm gonna go Greyhound and leave the driving to them.

Ziggy, what are you doing?

( man groaning, coughing )

( coughing and groaning )

( screaming )

Boy, you sure have beautiful legs.

Hate to have anything happen to 'em.

You got a beef with me?

Let's get it on right now.

( woman screams )

Man: Hey, stop that!

Why, you...

( groans )

Man-haters, get that ugly mother!

( women yelling )

Come on, you dirty mother!

( groaning )

( yelling )

That's right. Run, ya chickens.

I guess they know who they're dealing with.

( chuckles )

( roars )

( yells )

( bubbling )

Oh, great.

( groans )

( whooping )

( gasps )

( squeaking )

( gunfire )

Well, die! Don't just sit there looking at me.

( gunshots )

- It's brilliant. - Yeah.

- It's brilliant. - Yeah.

( gunshots )

It's empty. Come on out. You've got an even chance.

( gun fires )

( groans )

Sergeant, find a way to the roof.

We'll check on this side.

( gun fires )

( tires squeal )

( groaning )

Nowhere to run, huh, Ziggy?

It's all over, Ziggy. I'm taking you in.

The hell you are, you nigger cop bastard.

One more step and you're gonna end up just like your partner.

Ah! ( laughs )

( man laughing )

- ( tires squealing ) - ( siren blaring )

Oh.

( grunting )

Oh, my...

( bubbling )

Huh?

So,

this is something of a sticky situation.

- Oh, yeah? - ( plane engine drones )

That's what you think.

Yow!

Incredible.

How do they do that?

Say, Cleveland,

why is it that you'd come all the way into the jungles of Brazil,

fight Nazis, and battle with headhunters

just to get a lousy pair of rubber pants?

Well, now, hold on right there, Sally.

These aren't just any old pair of rubber pants.

Why, my goodness, no.

These are the Waders of the Lost Park.

Wait a minute-- this is a trap.

Wait here.

( screaming )

What?

( gasps )

I guess he really fell for me.

( whimpering )

Oh, my Stetson.

Who directed this? Who--

who is the guy that does all these kind of films?

What's his name? Uh... what's his name?

You know who I'm talking about, right?

The guy is great. The guy has done everyone--

- The guy stinks. - No, the guy is a genius.

He makes you think he stinks. That's his genius.

You watch this, you say,

- "This is terrible." - This guy is great, yeah.

This guy is great because he's terrible. Yeah, right.

Later you're gonna go, "That guy was a genius."

That guy is brilliant. There's no other word for it.

Genius and brilliant, there's two words.

That's it. There's no other word.

All you kids make me sick.

Me sick. Me sick.

( screams ) Mr. Trevors!

The chick's poetic.

You wish, kid. They ain't that good.

You act like Little Miss Muffet.

And down inside you're dirty.

Do you hear me?

Dirty.

Well, Frank, this looks like one of those long, hard ones.

You're disgusting.

A freak like you should have died.

And you're no better than the girl who sells herself to a man.

You're worse because you're a hypocrite.

April, somehow I can't get used to a girl being named Sydney.

Your name's Susan, right?

That's right.

My name's Susan, too.

I'm David Wells, and this is my wife Beverly.

Who the hell are you, J. Edgar Hoover?

- I believe the doctor is a collector of humans. - Oh.

I have in my possession the remains of the original Frankenstein monster.

You're damaged merchandise and this is a fire sale.

Ow!

It was the worst picture I ever seen.

It'll be a smash at the box office.

What is real?

I'll kill you for this.

I have a drug here, LSD.

( yelling )

Perhaps you've heard of it?

( screams )

I suppose that's funny, but I don't know why.

Get out!

( heavy breathing )

I live beyond fear.

( screams )

- Hey, shut up. - ( screams )

Nobody even noticed my new Supergirl uplift.

I've been wanting to kick that gal

in the you-know-what ever since you took her in, Queen.

Like, I dig, pig.

I say we work her over a little.

You better forget about it.

Too much thinking ain't healthy.

Who asked you to put this thing in my brain?

To give me all that pain?

No one.

You walk out of here

and your reputation won't be worth 15 cents.

You've got bad breath, fuzz.

Bad breath.

I'm going to abuse myself with your body.

You do as I tell you, do ya hear?

You do as I tell you!

What is the answer?

( wails ) I can't remember!

I just had to tell you.

Now, this is what I call good taste.

Oh.

( laughing ) Hey, man, hey, man, is this great or what?

Hey, man, I think it's time we go.

Yeah, yeah, right. I'm right behind you.

Come on, let's go.

Not here.

Let's get outta here.

Hey, hey. These doors are locked.

These-- these-- excuse me.

Excuse me!

( both ) Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Sir! Sir. - These doors are locked.

- Can you get somebody to-- - Excuse me, sir.

Hi, guys. Want some more popcorn?

How about some Goobers, then?

( laughs )

Just be cool. Okay, okay.

It's cool. It's cool.

Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Going somewhere, boys?

Show's not over yet.

( laughing )

No!

- No! No! - No, no, please.

Oh, my God!

- Tony! - Vinnie!

( screaming )

No!

Ah, Vinnie!

Narrator: Throughout the world,

there are those tortured souls who endure the long nights,

forever trapped in a world of non-stop movies,

their appetites never satisfied.

A thirst for those memorable moments in film

when the absurd blends with the sublime.

To them, we dedicate this film.

May they go on forever.

( music playing )

I want you, beautiful. I want you real bad, hear?

Animals. Animals.

Like, I dig, pig.

Okay... okay... okay!

We got us some good'uns.

Dogged if we don't!

Dogged if we don't!

If we don't! Don't-- don't-- don't.

A great picture.

One of the worst I've ever seen.

- You don't like my singing? - I like your singing.

- You don't like my song? - I like your song.

- Well? - It's you I don't like.

Jezebel.

Our hands are bleeding-- bleeding-- bleeding--

- ( screams ) - Look at your hands!

Our hands are bleeding.

Get out!