Original subtitles

And so, at midnight, just twelve minutes from now,

mass murderer Victor Ajax will be executed

in the Hudsucker State Penitentiary.

Now it's Ajax's turn to die.

For Ajax, a Security Systems repairman,

it's death by electrocution,

thus writing finis to the horrible tale

of murder and mayhem that shocked our fair city

just two weeks ago...

...claiming innocence to the end, but nothing can save Ajax now.

You... No...

- Sit down! - Wait! Wait!

No... no... no!

Oh!

Okay, Joe.

They just fried Gurwitz.

You're next, Ajax!

But I'm innocent!

Innocent, I tell ya!

Don't give them the satisfaction.

Ajax!

Well, good luck, kid. Give my regards to Gurwitz.

Come on, pipsqueak, we're savin' a seat for ya!

Say, you look like a couple of reasonable fellows, and...

so let me explain what's... what's goin' on here.

I'm not supposed to be here!

It's all a big mistake.

There's no hard feelings on this end, for mistakes do happen,

and, naturally, I can explain everything.

See, I only worked for Mr. Odegard and Mr. Trend.

I was an employee in their security shop,

and Mr. Odegard wasn't a very nice guy, and...

Don't sit down, Vic!

I guess he was plannin' to sell the shop

right out from under Mr. Trend's nose...

Hmm...

Hmm.

So, tell me, Odegard, do ya L-O-V-E love it?

Could ya die?

Does it, er...

trip your alarm?

Frankly, Renaldo...

what you do with this shop after you've bought it...

doesn't interest me in the least.

But let's keep this little transaction to ourselves.

I wouldn't want my partner to know he's losing his business.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

But, somehow, Mr. Trend must have found out about it.

Mr. Trend wasn't such a bad guy, but he and his wife

had sunk their whole lives into that business, and... and...

Mr. Trend would have done anything for his wife.

Anything.

Center City Exterminators.

Trend?

You there?

Nobody's home.

Give me the word!

Come on, ya pipsqueak.

Do it tonight.

He'll be working late...

alone.

And make it quick.

I don't want him to suffer.

You hear that, Arthur?

He doesn't want him to suffer! Awww!

Helene, I'll never let that rat destroy our happiness.

You can count on it.

So... So, you see...

I had no idea Mr. Trend was up to something.

N... Nobody did.

It was between the two partners.

I... I had nothing to do with it!

If you could only find Nancy.

She's my witness.

If you could only find her, she'd tell ya I'm totally innocent.

She'd tell you, the whole time,

I was across the street from the shop,

installing the video security system

in Mr. Trend's apartment building.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Take your hands off me!

Mr. Trend!

Honey, I'm home!

Who is it?

Er... it's me, Mr. Trend.

Oh, hi, Vic. What's on your mind?

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Silliest damned thing.

It's a broom closet!

Well, one more camera, Mr. Trend,

then it's back to the shop.

Fine, back to the...

You know, Vic,

I'm glad we ran into each other in this amusing fashion.

For a long time now, I've been lookin' to have a heart to heart with ya.

You know, you've always been more than

just an employee to Helene and I.

Honey, I'm home!

You find this work fulfilling, don't you, Vic?

And how, Mr. Trend!

But have you ever thought about the grand design?

I mean, there's something missing. Isn't there, Vic?

Um... er...

A door, Mr. Trend?

What's behind the door, Vic?

Oh!

Oh... oh, jeez...

Mr. Trend, I'd love to have a foyer, but on my salary

a large apartment is...

I'm not talkin' about the anteroom, Vic.

I'm talkin' about the little princess inside.

Lord knows I'd do anything for Helene.

Don't go back to the shop.

Take the rest of the day off.

Tonight you go out and find a little princess

that you'd do anything for.

Now you go out there and find yours.

Oh... Thanks, Mr. Trend.

Just make sure that...

she knows who's boss. - Okey dokey, Mr. Trend.

How are you tonight, Colonel?

Adequate.

One mother-lovin' hell of a storm brewin'.

Know how I can tell?

No, how?

Steel plate.

In my head.

Yes, sir, Korea was no picnic.

Word of advice, son, when you hook up 4G,

don't flirt with the filly that lives there.

She'll slap you quicker than you can say

..."present arms".

Yes, sir, there's one woman that can take care of herself,

all by herself.

All by...

Hmm.

Taking care of yourself.

That's important.

But two people,

taking care of each other,

that's romance.

Romance...

Let's see.

The Perfect Woman."

Of course the perfect woman's not just gonna walk into my life. Gee...

Holy moly!

Oh, my goodness! Are you okay?

That temper! I tried to run. Why don't you take the cape?

Come on, toots, get outta the road!

You maniacs!

That was incredible. I've never seen anything like that.

- Oh, my jewels! - Are you all right?

Oh! Oh, it's...

Oh, you've got the key.

Whoops!

One more thing, Joe.

Don't you ever call me a maniac.

Ooh!

People gotta learn to watch where I'm goin'.

Are you all right?

Yeah...

Are you all right?

Me? Yes.

Yeah.

Excuse me?

What?

Oh, I... I... I thought you said something.

No.

Ah.

You didn't?

Er... no.

Well... thanks again.

Oh!

Um... would you...

like to have some lunch some evening?

I'm sorry, no.

Ah... or a cup of coffee?

No, no, really...

- I, er... - I mean, I'll pay.

No, that's not it. Really, I...

Well, look...

If you're not hungry...

Maybe we could just chat.

Hey, hey!

I've got the rest of the night off, and...

Renaldo!

Hiya, cupcake.

Say, where were you?

I had to walk home from work.

Oh, I, er...

Oh, I ran into an old army buddy,

and I was detained.

- Hi, I'm Vic. - Mm-hmm.

Ow!

Glad to know ya.

Say, what the hell, in the neighborhood,

whaddaya say you and I go out and...

drown a coupla olives, huh?

Well, I don't know... you...

It's a date, then. Eight o'clock, Rialto Café, huh?

Well, okay.

Socially, the man's a genius. I wonder if he's read this book?

- Bye, baby! - Goodbye, Renaldo. Goodbye!

Um...

Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!

In all my years in the city, I ain't seen nothin' like this!

Come on with this cheap Japanese umbrella!

Goodbye! Good riddance!

Honey, I'm so scared!

Come on, Annie, we'll go outside. It's a regular hurricane.

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

- Oh, my arm! - You poor man!

I'll sue ya!

Holy Hannah, are you okay?

Jesus, I don't know.

Look out! We'll be killed!

Did you see that?! Did you see that?

Helene, please come away from the window.

Is that Mr. Odegard's car down there?

Honey, this roast is absolutely delicious.

Is Mr. Odergard working late tonight?

No.

He went home...

to eat his dinner.

He was very hungry, and he went home.

Well, it looks like there's a light on down there.

Helene, your food's getting cold.

He's still there, honey, and it's after seven o'clock.

I didn't know he was still there, honey.

I didn't know that Mr. Odergard would be working late tonight.

Wait...

I think somebody's with him.

I'm going down there!

Get away from that fucking window!

I'm sorry.

I'll go down.

You can't go out in this terrible weather.

Don't call anybody.

I'll see what's goin' on.

Remember what I said.

Didn't expect him in the shop tonight.

It's a complete surprise to me.

Total surprise.

And...

You'd like that, wouldn't ya, baby?

A thousand guys would give a thousand bucks

to have dinner with a girl like that.

And just look at that guy.

I'm not that kind of girl!

Well, with a little practice you could learn to be.

Oh, now, now, wait a minute, cupcake.

Nice tie.

Ooh! Seventy-six dollars!

Okay, here's forty.

We'll pretend that I had the appetizer.

We'll call me a sport.

I'd call you a heel!

So, I'm a heel.

So, what of it?

Who are you?

Maybe I'm just a guy who hates heels.

Maybe I'm a heel who hates guys who hate heels.

Oh yeah? Well maybe I'm a guy...

Ow!

Loser.

Oh, oh. The eye.

Brutal.

Oh... ow... oh...

Go on! Go on! Go on!

What in the livin' hell am I doin' here?

I oughta shove those binoculars down your throat.

Jiminy cripes, how'd I ever get myself into this?

For cryin' out loud.

So long, partner.

Nobody makes a fool out of Ernest Aloysius Trend.

Now everything's hunky dory.

No witnesses.

"Why, no, officer.

"I couldn't say where he is.

"Enemies?

"None that I knew of... know of.

"Yes...

"Donald was very much beloved by all.

"Of course, I'm sure he's all right.

"Murdered?"

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Ernest, is everything all right?

Can't find him. He's not in the shop.

- Are you sure? - Well, now he's gone.

Maybe he went out for a bite to eat,

and used the back door. How should I know?

Okay, then come on home, honeykins.

Your dinner's gettin' cold.

Okay, I'll be right home, dear. Goodbye.

I used to think that the key to happiness

was the installation and repair of small electrical appliances, but...

well, I don't claim to know

a whole lot about the grand design, but...

lately, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that

somethings missing.

And I'm not talking about the foyer or the anteroom.

"'Cherish' is the word I use to describe

"all the feelings that I have hiding here for you inside.

"I don't know how many times I wish that I had told you.

"I don't know how many times I wish that I could hold you.

"I don't know how many times I wish that I could mold you

"into someone who could cherish me as much as I cherish you..."

I haven't seen you here before.

I like that in a woman.

You're cute.

Ooh!

Keep talkin', baby.

Maybe you'll tell me somethin' I don't already know.

Pow!

"...don't know how many times I wish that I could hold you.

"I don't know how many times I wish..."

Arthur...

Ow...

For all we know, this is the guy that hired us.

Mmm.

Tell him it's a two-for-one sale.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that...

the perfect woman is...

is pretty much in the eye of the beholder.

Strange how some dames dig ground chuck,

when they could have prime rare.

Oh, you man, you!

No-one can be perfect on their own.

Each person needs someone to believe in them,

to see them as being...

someone special.

People shouldn't be afraid to take care of each other.

Nancy...

Today, when I saw you fall,

all I wanted to do was take care of you.

Hey!

I thought...

How did...?

When did you...?

Gosh.

Wow.

Listen, I'm the only one who can do it.

- Oh, baby! - You know, I amaze myself.

Ha! Yeah, that's right.

Ernest Aloysius Trend, what on earth is keeping you?

Oh, the cab? You'll pay for that.

I don't wanna break a hundred.

Take your bag, sir?

No muss, no fuss. Leave the bagging to us.

Spies above, hmm?

Lady, you ain't seen nothin'...

yet!

Put up your dukes.

What mother son's raisin' all that ruckus out here?

Oh, this?

Like that!

Victor, you're a very nice guy.

And I appreciate what you tried to do for me tonight,

but this is one woman who can take care of herself.

Haha! Let's have a big round of applause for Johnny and the boys.

Vic?

Would you lend me thirty-six dollars?

Sure!

If I had thirty-six dollars.

I don't usually walk around with that much money on me.

So where on earth am I gonna get thirty-six dollars?

Ladies and gentlemen!

The winners of tonight's Rialto Dance Riot will receive

thirty-six dollars!

Play, Johnny!

And one, two, one-two-three-four.

"Woman found torn limb from limb in West Side apartment.

"Film at eleven."

Operator.

Police. It's an emergency.

Oh, please help me!

There's a man, and...

Ah! Um, well...

Ah, you see, my husband went across the street... and... oh!

Well, before that, I'd seen Mr. Odegard,

I'd seen him working late, and I...

I'm gonna tear out your...

Where am I?

Oh, yeah.

San Francisco!

Come to poppa, sweetheart.

Oh, playin' hard to get, huh? I like it that way.

Okay, hmm.

Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

Drop her, you little punk.

I'm gonna kick your ass.

Buckwheat, I's gonna give you an advantage.

Take your last good look at God's sweet earth, mister.

'Cause you's about to meet the bein' what made it!

Mr. Yarman?

Quiet down, Mrs. Trend.

There's but one way to catch a rat in the dark.

You wait.

Rat, he just gotta show you his pink little eyes.

Ya can't seem to catch this rat!

I'll get ya.

Rat ain't been made what can get away from Mr. Yarman.

See?

It's a long road that's got no end.

To catch a rat, you gotta find him first.

Right!

And rats like me are hard to find.

Bon voyage, sucker!

Oh, honey, look at that man!

Better not get involved.

Hey, what's so funny? Why don't you share it with the rest of us?

Ah, go on!

- Taxi! - Where to?

...a terrible bore, and a dreadful dancer.

Oh, honey, you're just a little bombed.

Merci beaucoup!

Some night, huh?

"Some night"?

It couldn't've possibly been worse.

I almost get run over,

lose a dance contest...

Get stood up by a heel,

and spend most of the evening washing dishes

to pay for a good time I didn't have!

It couldn't possibly have been worse.

You met me, didn't ya?

Exactly.

I think things could have been a lot worse.

Look at the bright side.

You and your bright side?

There is no bright side.

You're not being rational, Nancy.

Of course there's a bright side!

No bright side.

No bright side.

No... bright... side!

No bright side!

Nancy, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Oh!

I can take care of myself!

Of course you can, Nancy,

but taking care of each other, that's what's important.

Who are you?

You're ruining my day.

What'd I do?

What's all that noise?

Car 9. Car 9. Report to Watchtower Apartments.

Domestic squabble. That is all.

Come on, you...

Who are you, anyway?

Come on! Come on!

Come on, already!

Come on!

God!

Use the elevator!

Come on!

Hey!

Ow!

I'm Captain of this elevator,

and we are stoppin' at every floor.

Whoa!

Nancy, once we get you back in your apartment, and all cleaned up,

you'll feel like a million bucks.

Here we go!

Whoa!

- Arthur? - Faron?

Look out!

Hmm...

Hmm...

Okay, Nancy, my eyes are closed.

You can hand me that dress now.

Can I open my eyes yet?

- Not yet. - Not yet.

Behind you.

Open up, please. It's the police.

Where'd you get the negro, Butch?

Elevator.

What kind of paranoid schizo could kill a man in cold blood,

and then jelly up his face with shaving cream?

My dad!

Son?

Aah...

Ooh...

I don't know what I ever saw in that heel in the first place.

Oh, he's not such a bad guy, just a little confused.

Am I confused, too, Vic?

No, Nancy, I think your emotions are wonderful.

I wish I could be as expressive as you.

You were so free when ya kissed me in the restaurant...

and when you slapped me.

I think you're wonderful.

I...

have to get some more Sudzo for that dress.

I'll be right back.

Vic?

Mm-hmm?

I've just been thinking about what you said,

and it's very sweet, but the truth is...

I haven't been completely honest with my feelings about you.

Thank you for helping me tonight.

No problem.

Of all the men I've known,

none of them would have done what you did for me tonight.

Gosh.

I just want you to know...

I think you're a very wonderful,

and a very special person.

It's not often I get a chance to meet a girl like you.

Nancy!

Where are you?

Freshening...

Freshening up!

Sounds like that congestion's moving to your throat.

Listen, I just saw Mrs. Ellroy in the hall,

and she said that there are a couple of maniacs running around

with forks in their noses,

and she's concerned, because she hasn't seen

Jack or Jack junior for, er... for quite a while.

Gracious.

Yeah, it sounds like they're a couple of real sickos.

Do you hear that?

There's a couple of maniacs running loose out there.

Oh, God.

I know you can take care of yourself,

but, er... I just thought I oughta pass it along.

Well, tonight certainly has been rough on you!

But, I... I just...

have to tell ya, Nancy, for me...

it's been the most wonderful night of my life.

It probably sounds funny to a girl like you,

Who's met lots of swell guys, and...

I know that'll sound funny to a...

a girl like you who's...

who's met lots of swell guys,

and had lots of wonderful evenings.

But, I never met a girl like you before...

But I... I've never met a girl like you before...

What a turkey!

I know

I don't deserve you,

but I just had to tell you how I felt,

before I...

walked out of your life...

forever...

Take a hike, pal.

You could tell me to stay, if you wanted to.

But, if you don't...

I'll understand.

I understand.

I think he's gone.

Listen, I just have to get a chance to tell you before we go.

I really love your décor.

It's a terrific place you got here.

Oh, golly gee, your hair really smells terrific.

Ya know, I don't get a chance to talk to people that much at all,

especially girls like you, ya know.

When I was in school, my mom used to

never let me talk to anybody, ya know. And I hated my mom.

That's why I got into the rodent business, ya know.

Every time I kill one of those guys, ya know,

I see my mom in their face, ya know...

I never had a chance.

'Cause, you know, I'm, like, a product of the sixties.

Ya know, Vietnam, napalm, "LBJ all the way".

Ya know, Kent State, pay the price, Soul on Ice...

- Mrs. Trend? - Mmm-mm! Mmm!

You better get back to your apartment.

There are a couple of maniacs loose in this building.

"Maniac", huh?

I told you never to call me that!

Arthur!

Do you have a rodent problem?

Hey, Arthur.

Every man for himself!

Faron!

Ready or not, here I come!

Come back here!

Hey, baby. Why don'tcha come on over to my pad?

We'll have a scotch and sofa!

You heel!

So, I'm a heel.

So, what of it?

I'm not such a bad guy.

Or am I?

Huh?

Pardon me.

Ernest! Help!

Watch it, fatso!

Get out of the way!

Avon calling!

I'll get ya!

Oh!

I got ya!

- Oh, my God! - Yo, load 'em up!

Let's see, the 2:40 will get me in at 5:15, and the 3:15 will get me...

Stop this nonsense immediately!

Put her down this instant, you filthy little man!

Who's gonna stop me, you old bat?

You and those fag dogs?

That's right!

Hey, where ya goin'? The night is young.

Hey, you little witch!

Stop her, Faron!

I'll get the truck!

Let me in!

Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Goin' my way, sweetheart?

Women drivers.

- Faron, are you okay? - Get in the truck, idiot.

Look what they did to me. Oh, I wanna...

I'm gonna get you! Oh, I hate animals.

Nancy!

What's the trouble, son?

Some maniacs are after my girl,

and I wonder if you'd let me take your...

Do you love her, son?

Yes, sir. I reckon I do.

She sticks a little in third.

I don't claim to know a whole lot about the grand design...

but those fellows are gonna suck on some abuse!

Arthur, go ahead, go on.

Oh, no. Oh, no, you don't.

Go ahead, take one.

No, no, I know you don't mean it.

Arthur, I'm tellin' ya it's okay.

Yeah?

- Go on. - Okay...

It's all right, I'll get away from him.

Rammin' speed!

Ram two!

- Go get her. - Okay.

Yeehah!

Beat it! Get out of the way!

Asshole!

Victor! Help!

I'm coming, Nancy!

Make way for Victor Ajax!

Why, you...

You're under citizen's arrest, fella!

Oh, yeah? Here!

The eye.

That does it!

Taste justice!

I'm comin', Arthur!

Hold on!

Should I stop?

Not just yet!

Nancy! I feel like a wishbone!

I'm bein' split in two!

- Victor, jump! - What?

Jump off!

Jump off!

Why, those guys! I only borrowed that car!

- Hey, Vic? - Huh?

Go on, go get him, Arthur. He's over there!

Tally-ho!

Let go! Let go!

All right, buster!

Whoa!

Whoooa!

Here's one for my boot!

Here's one for the Dodge!

Here's one for the rat!

Ow!

Whoa!

Arthur, are you all right up there?

Look out for that overpass!

There's no...

Surprise, surprise!

Uh-oh!

How do you want it, Vic?

Medium, or well done?

Kill him, Arthur! Kill him!

- Look out! - Nancy!

You broke my shocker.

Mister, you've done some bad things,

and I'm gonna deal out some swift justice!

- This one's for bothering my girl! - Ow!

This one's for giving me this!

Ow!

This one's for ruining my date!

And here's one for all the folks everywhere!

Okay, son, I give up.

Please don't hit me again with that baseball bat.

I realise what I did was wrong, and... well...

I'm... I'm sorry.

Sometimes, "sorry" isn't good enough.

Wait! From now on, I'll be good.

I swear it's the truth.

Just one more chance.

- Well... - Please?

Friend?

Pal?

All right,

but just this once.

Put 'er there, buddy!

Knock his brains out!

Well, it looks like the end of the road for you, Vic.

Don't look now, but...

here comes an overpass!

You really tear me up, Vic. Can I call you Vic?

I mean, that's the difference between me and you.

That's why you're down there, and I'm up here.

You see, Vic...

you believe in people, and I don't.

That's why I'm gonna bash your stinkin' little skull...

Arthur?

Arthur!

Why, you little...

Victor!

Nancy!

Victor! Save me!

Nancy!

I got ya, Nancy!

Not so fast!

You can still put a stop to this.

I certainly intend to!

Oh, this is a nightmare!

And away we go!

Victor, help me! It's going over!

Please! Hurry!

I'm coming, Nancy!

Hold on, kid! We're almost there!

You wanna play rough, eh?

Let's go!

Eat guard rail, fatso!

Fatso? I'll...

Here I come!

You're goin' for a swim!

Now it's your turn, toots!

Geronimo!

Nancy!

Nancy, jump!

Nancy, jump!

I can't make it!

You can make it!

It's too far!

Come to me, Nancy!

Nancy! Jump!

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

Hold on! Hold on!

Oh, are you all right?

Oh, N... Nancy, please...

Oh! Oh!

Okay! Oh! Oh!

Oh, not the ear! Oh! Aaargh!

Hold on, Nancy!

Oh, goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, are you all right?

Oh, no! Not the eye!

Who were those guys, anyway?

Oh, gee...

- I don't know. - I mean, where'd they come from?

- I can't believe it. - I... I...

- Well, how'd they get you? - Are you okay?

Nancy, I came into your room,

and I thought you didn't care about me.

Oh, Vic, I do care!

You saved...

And then I hit the water.

So, you see, I'm practically a hero.

Oh, thanks.

So, if it hadn't been for me,

there's no telling how many people those maniacs might've killed.

Tell it to Saint Peter!

Saint Peter?

Oh yeah, that's a good one!

But seriously, if you can just find Nancy,

she'd prove everything I've told you.

Nancy, Nancy.

You probably killed her just like all the others.

She's alive, I tell ya. She was on the bridge.

I don't know what happened to her,

but maybe if you ran a picture of her in the paper?

Ah, sure, yeah! We'll run a picture of her.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

Next to your obit.

Yeah! Next to my...

Well, I've still got five minutes.

Hold it! Hold it! It's the Governor.

Am I too late?

No, Governor.

Oh, thank God.

I didn't want to miss this.

Sayonara!

Wait!

That man is innocent!

Nancy!

Ah, come on!

Victor, darling, I had no idea.

When you fell off that bridge, I thought you were dead.

I wandered for days.

What were you wondering about?

And then, these good sisters took me in.

Hi, I'm Vic.

I was about to take my vow of eternal silence,

when I read about this horrible mistake in the newspapers.

I heard she's lyin'.

Can you good sisters corroborate this young lady's story?

They can't speak!

They've taken their vow of eternal silence.

Too bad!

Right!

She likes me!

Hey! Hey! Is anybody out there?