Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour throughout

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the Big Fat Quiz of 2024.

Like Japanese knotweed, herpes, and Donald Trump,

this show just won't go away.

Unbelievably, this is our 20th year of Big Fat Quiz.

Things were very different back in 2004.

There was a war in the Middle East,

a terrible Labour government,

England failed to win the Euros,

and everyone was excited about the new Oasis Tour.

Right, let's meet the teams.

First up, a brilliant director, writer, actor, and comedian

who, over the past 20 years,

has cemented himself as a national treasure,

and an ex-Hooters waitress.

It's Richard Ayoade and Katherine Ryan.

APPLAUSE

Nice.

Next up, one's a loud, shouty comedian

who doesn't know when to be quiet.

The other is a loud, shouty comedian who doesn't know when to be quiet.

Basically, if I were you, I'd turn the volume down.

It's Rob Beckett and Judi Love!

APPLAUSE

And finally, Maisie Adam

and the man who cuts her hair, Chris McCausland.

Jimmy!

APPLAUSE

This early on? This early on.

I should point out that joke was written

before you got your hair redone.

And hasn't Chris done a lovely job?

I can see now, Jimmy, as well. I got my sight back,

so that joke's well old.

I'm over here, Chris.

Now, have you got team names?

Richard, Katherine, you got a team name?

I think rhyming names do well. OK.

They're quick, they're easy, sums us up.

We could do Drunk and Hunk.

Oh, nice.

Mumsy and Glumsy.

Drunk and Hunk.

Any ideas, Richard?

Those were both my ideas.

Or we could go with something very of the moment,

something 2024, like...

Oasis.

Oasis, yeah.

What about O Canada?

What is O Canada? Is that a song?

It's our national anthem.

You have a national anthem?

It's a country.

Is it?

It's literally a country.

Are mooses bigger in real life than you think they're going to be?

Because I think they're as big as a cow,

but actually, they're bigger.

How the hell did we get onto the conversation of moose?

I mean, we're doing team names. Sorry.

OK, so team name, what are you going to settle on?

Moose and Loose. Yes.

Moose and Loose, great.

OK, Rob, Judi, what's your team name?

Judi's got her own cooking show, and my name's Beckett,

so we thought Nosh and Becks.

Yeah, I like Nosh and Beck's.

Nosh and Becks.

I like eating, but you're taking the piss.

Oreo, brown on the outside, white in the middle.

Well, you're going to have to lead the charge on those jokes.

We're both from South London,

we could be Dirty South or something like that.

Yeah, we're Dirty South.

OK, Maisie, Chris, what have you got team name-wise?

Well, it's been a bit tense backstage.

I just thought we should keep it simple

and call it Chris and Maisie, but she didn't like that.

And I wanted to call it Maisie and Chris,

but Chris didn't like that.

No. So, I mean, if they're going Dirty South,

I think we could go, like, Angels of the North,

cos we're quite sweet and innocent, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah. But we're not talking. No.

All right, so we've got Angels of the North, Dirty South,

Moose and Loose. Right. Now, we started this show, Big Fat Quiz,

back in 2004.

I'm going to check in on what you looked like in 2004.

Oh, no. OK, so here's Katherine Ryan back in 2004.

Oh, wow.

It's lovely to see your original face.

Chris, I looked phenomenal.

I was Miss Hooters Toronto 2004.

There was an actual pageant and I won.

I could also tell you that she's wearing her thong above her jeans

in the same way that Queen Camilla does.

Chris, it looks like

a picture that Prince Andrew would say

he was photoshopped into the picture. That's exactly it.

Let's have a look at Rob in 2004.

You know what? That picture is so much more effective

than any other anti-drug campaign.

I look like Katherine's tried it on with me and I'm panicking.

Let's have a look at Maisie. There you are, Maisie.

Chris, this is me with a home-made mascot for the Euros 2004.

Was that to scare away the trophy?

It was meant to be sort of, come on, England,

and it's actually a bit EDL upon reflection.

And I think I've had a whiff of whatever Rob had. Yeah.

At the age of 10?

Yeah. You've got to make your own fun up north, Judes.

Right. Chris, let's take a look at you in 2004.

That's Mackenzie Crook. That's the real-life scarecrow

that you were making a model of.

So I came third in a comedy competition,

and Mackenzie Crook gave me something.

I don't know what.

Basically, I was asked for a photograph of me in 2004.

And I'll be honest with you,

keeping photographs has not been a priority.

So what I did was I just googled my own name and the year 2004.

I've got me back in 2004. This is the treat.

The shit you give her for having work done,

your face has been fucking butchered.

APPLAUSE

Even my iPhone now goes, "Come on, mate, put the code in."

When you stop playing tennis, you just lose the fitness.

I can only imagine what he looks like.

I imagine Jimmy looks like he's got his face permanently pressed up

against a window.

Bang on. Bang on.

Do you know what confuses me, Jimmy?

I don't think that you or I look any different.

Than each other?

I think, if anything, we need to get more work done.

And we will.

And what about the weight loss? What are we doing here?

Talk to me. You're too busy to exercise.

You shooting up a bit of the Ozzy P?

Shooting up? Yeah.

I just take it socially, I can handle my fix.

I just think it's really nice, looking at the year,

that we can now finally steal

life-saving medication from diabetics

and use it to transform ourselves into Christina Aguilera.

Right, let's get on with the show.

Our first round is all about the year's big headlines.

Back in May, Rishi Sunak announced a general election

while standing outside Downing Street in the pouring rain.

That was a mistake.

Getting him wet, that is.

I think that's how we shrunk him in the first place.

Is that real?

Yeah, that's real. Oh, look at him.

It's not. It looks like the new Borrower film.

There were some big losers on election night,

none more so than Nigel Farage, who, as the results were announced,

realised he'd have to spend the next five years in Clacton.

Sir Keir Starmer became the new Prime Minister.

Good for him, I guess,

but I can't help feeling somewhere in the Midlands,

there's an Asda missing its manager.

OK, who's up for some questions? Yes.

OK, question number one.

Donald Trump appeared on the Joe Rogan podcast.

On it, he revealed his favourite word in the dictionary. What was it?

So, when Trump went on Joe Rogan,

he gave everyone his favourite word in the dictionary. What was it?

Was it? Seriously? What? Really? Yeah.

I know it, but I don't know how to spell it.

We're dyslexic, do we get more time?

Yeah, we need...

More time than a fellow who can't see his own writing.

We'll have the same amount of time Chris gets.

All right. Next up, this machine was at the centre

of a national scandal this year. Why?

So, Chris, I'll describe the machine.

It looks like if Keir Starmer was a PS2.

It's like a till.

It's like a little screen with a keyboard below it,

and to the right, what looks like what prints out your receipt.

Rob, Judi, you won't be allowed

to sit together if you're just going to giggle.

We're going to have to separate you.

Neither of us...

Neither of us can spell.

None of us can write either. Capital H.

Now, it wouldn't be the Big Fat Quiz without an appearance

from the children of Mitchellbrook Primary School,

performing one of their unconventional school plays.

Take a look.

I don't like you any more.

I don't like you any more.

Oh, no. What am I going to do now?

My brother smells.

Send tweet.

Wah, wah, wah!

Stop crying your heart out.

Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.

Mister, mister, will you ever get back with your naughty brother?

I said maybe.

Don't look back in anger.

OK, I like you again.

I like you again too.

CHEERING

We want tickets!

I've been in the queue for ages.

I can wait.

I got a lot of tickets.

But they're so expensive.

I will take ten.

That will be a billion pounds, please.

We made loads of money, our kid.

Can I have some more?

Definitely. Maybe.

CHEERING

What's not to love? APPLAUSE

Well, that was, of course, Oasis reuniting.

What I want to know is, what very brief response did Liam give

to this fan's complaint about ticket prices on X?

What did Liam clap back with?

Ooh.

That's just one option.

OK. We're going to have a what happens next bonus round now.

I'm going to show you the start of three clangers

from world leaders this year.

All you have to do is write down what happens next.

Here's the first one.

And now I want to hand it over to the president of Ukraine,

who has as much courage as he has determination.

He looks like he's just been helping someone knit.

One of the requisites of being able to stand for president

is you should actually be able to just stand.

I liked it. It was giving Weekend at Bernie's for a... Yeah.

Weekend at Biden's. OK, here's the second one.

Wait, what's the question? What happens next? No.

What happens next? Oh, what happens next?

Here's the second one.

I mean, my family immigrated here with very little,

and that's how I was raised.

I was raised with the values of hard work.

What did you go without as a child?

They both look like pictures in a shit barbers.

OK, here's the third one.

All parties to pull back from the brink.

I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.

OK, so are you ready for answers? You all got everything down?

Yeah. All right, OK. First set of answers.

I asked you what Donald Trump's favourite word in the dictionary is.

What did you think?

So, we know the word, kind of. All right.

Well, can you stop saying we,

because this is very much your answer.

I still don't think it's a word.

Right. So, the word... What's the word?

It was something like... triff. Triff.

It was. And it means, like, it's about money. It's about...

Oh, sir, pick us, sir.

Triff. Triff. T-R-I-F-F. T. Something like that. Triff.

Sir, pick us! I'm gonna go to Maisie.

Chris knew it and it's defo tariff

and that has made us even more sure.

It was, it was something like triff.

You can't get a point for triff when the answer is tariff.

Let me tell you something. Everybody, everybody has

a different kind of, you know, tone in their voice.

I'm saying the same thing. And it means something like money.

Tariff. Oh, actually, now that you've said that,

you said to me tariff.

I've spelled it wrong. And I'm dyslexic, so tariff.

You can't blame your dyslexia on how you pronounce words.

Yeah, no, I've got two types of dyslexia, actually.

How I write things and how I pronounce.

But I wrote that.

Did you get this, Richard, Katherine?

We think that's wrong.

What did you write?

Juggers.

And juggers, could you use that in a sentence, please, Richard?

Here come the juggers.

Is it tariff?

Yeah, the answer is tariff. Points, points, no points.

Thank you. OK, all right.

Yes, Judi, quality.

You can't give him triff.

Listen, we're from South. I'm from South.

That's how we speak, yeah? That's how we speak, Triff.

I'm from South.

Oh, for about a week, then you went Norfolk, didn't you?

How dare you? What am I, Bernard Matthews?

No, I didn't go to Norfolk.

Where'd you go? Ipswich.

It's not like I chose it.

Like everyone else in Ipswich, we were put there under duress.

And we're fighting it out.

OK, let's take a look at his very insightful response

on Joe Rogan's show.

To me, the most beautiful word,

and I've said this for the last couple of weeks,

in the dictionary today, is the word tariff.

It's more beautiful than love.

It's more beautiful than anything. It's the most beautiful word.

Maisie, where do you and Trump get your hair done?

Oh, piss off!

I asked you why this computer made headlines. What did you get?

Horizon. Yeah. Post Office Scandal.

We've put Post Office Horizon Screen Till,

because Chris started to get worried that we weren't going to get a point

for it. So he said, just put all of the words in.

What did you write, Richard?

Yeah, we put Sub Postmaster Scanner,

Fujitsu, I thought was what the company was.

Yeah, it's the Sub Postmasters.

I don't know what happened to the Dom Postmasters,

but I think they were fine. So, points, points, points.

I asked you how Liam Gallagher responded

to one fan's disgruntled ex-post about ticket prices.

What did you get for this?

We're going to have to do this in two parts. He said, shut up you...

Bumbaclart.

He does say bumbaclart a surprising amount.

He does. A lot. He does.

He says it...

More so than a 50-year-old white man from Manchester should.

What did you go for, Maisie, Chris?

Just shut up.

Brackets nasal. Yeah.

Richard, Katherine?

I don't find you statements to be constructive.

If only that were the correct answer.

Because I'm finding him to be more emotionally intelligent these days

and reaching out and actually taking accountability,

looking at himself and saying,

OK, let's centre me in the conflict here. What am I bringing to it?

I wish you was my therapist.

Thank you. Well, after this, maybe.

OK, well, let's take a look and see if you're right.

So he responded with...

I've got some other excellent replies that Liam has given.

He's a genuinely funny man. OK, here's another one.

How does Peggy, his mother, feel about the reunion?

That's pretty funny.

Next one.

That's a great answer.

And finally...

All right, finally,

I asked you for what happens next.

OK, first off, you saw Joe Biden.

What do you think Joe Biden said next?

Instead of the President of the Ukraine,

he said Vladimir Putin. That was a big story.

Yeah. OK. Did you get this?

Putin, yeah. Putin.

OK, well, let's have a look.

And now I want to hand it over to the President of Ukraine

who has as much courage as he has determination.

Ladies and gentlemen, President Putin.

President Putin!

We're going to beat President Putin. President Zelensky.

Oh, my God. It's bad.

That is almost like doing a ting with someone

and in the middle of it saying out the wrong name. Yeah.

That's how uncomfortable that was.

OK, the next one. Rishi Sunak, did you get this?

Yeah, Sky TV. Yeah.

Did you get this, Richard, Katherine?

No, we didn't. We thought it was something else.

I had to share a kayak?

I know, let's have a look.

What did you go without as a child?

Without with lots of things, right?

Because my parents wanted to put everything into our education.

So what sort of things had to be sacrificed?

Lots of things, right?

Can you give me an example?

All sorts of things. Like, lots of people,

there'll be all sorts of things that I would have wanted as a kid

that I couldn't have, right? Famously, Sky TV.

That was something that we never had growing up, actually.

He had to go around to his friends to watch The Simpsons.

And the last one, Keir Starmer. What do you all put?

We got it. You got it?

We even drawed. Rob even drawed a little sausage.

Sausages?

Yeah. Yeah. OK. Let's have a look at Keir Starmer.

All parties to pull back from the brink.

I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.

The return of the sausages. The hostages.

Maybe he's friendly with Joe Biden,

and he was trying to take some of the heat off

the Putin gaffe. He said, I got you.

I'm going to say sausages tomorrow.

All right, I can tell you, at the end of that first round,

the scores are, OK, well, Rob and Judi have got six. Yes.

Maisie and Chris have got six.

Richard and Katherine have three.

Wow.

Join us after the break, please.

Otherwise, it's just me shouting at comedians. See you in five.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz.

We're appointment viewing,

but sadly, that appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Our next round is all about music.

Taylor Swift's UK tour was said to have boosted

the British economy by £1 billion,

and that was just at Claire's Accessories.

Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter was the song of the summer.

The song is about Sabrina's lover who can't get to sleep

because he's thinking about her, and I can relate to that.

I can't get to sleep thinking about my girlfriend.

What if they find her?

All right, time for our music questions. You ready for this?

For our first question in the music round,

it's over to Hollywood stars Chiwetel Ejiofor and Leo Woodall.

Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy. In our new film,

Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy,

Bridget returns to the dating scene to find a new man.

And she's not the only one, as back in April,

TikToker Megan Bonny posted

a song about looking for a man in finance.

She listed three other must-haves in the lyrics. What were they?

Jimmy, the one on the left, how tired is he?

Let's see that again.

Leo Woodall on the left is very tired. Have another look.

What's wrong with this guy? Here we go. What's his problem?

He's very sleepy. Who is he? Let's watch it again. Let's watch it.

What's he doing?

Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy.

In our new film, Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy,

Bridget returns to the dating scene to find a new man.

And she's not the only one.

He's shattered. He's absolutely shattered.

And Chiwetel's trying to give it lots of energy by doing that.

It's unbelievable.

OK, so a woman posted a song where she was looking for

a man in finance and it went viral.

Can you name three other things that she was looking for in a man?

Yes. OK. Yes.

Of course we can.

Richard and I are looking for the same.

Six five, blue eyes...

I can't get the last one, it's killing me.

OK, you've got to be a little bit quiet.

It's because, Rob, the last one is the first one.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Think about the most important one.

Five foot eight, big teeth and an average cock. Get it down.

Next up,

here are some vox pops of some very fashionable young people.

All I want to know is, what music trend of the year

are they talking about?

By the way, me and Judi are hitting form and we're hitting it hard.

Watch out. Yeah.

OK, next up, Taylor Swift posted this image on Instagram

back in September. Can you tell me why it was notable?

So that's Taylor Swift there with her cat.

And final question in this music round.

This monkey made music headlines this year. Why?

It's like a monkey in a tank top with...

Like, it looks like it's coming.

It's like a big, jizzy...

As in arriving or ejaculating.

What's the question?

What's the question? A chest.

You've asked that on every single question.

We are a terrible team together.

We're having a great time, but we're not very efficient. A wicked time.

This monkey made music headlines this year. Why?

Oh, I know who that is.

Oh, yes! Oh, my God, that's it!

We're fucking smashing this.

I apologise if you're watching with a dog in the room,

because that was quite high-pitched.

OK, let's see how you got on.

We asked you three things that Megan Bonny was asking for

in a man in finance. What did you put?

I suggested, like, a family Spotify plan.

Maisie... I had to intervene. I had to intervene.

It's the, I'm looking for a man in finance, trust fund,

six five, blue eyes.

I don't know what else, but those three.

That's it. That's the three things, yeah.

What's a trust fund? What's a trust fund? Yeah.

Come on, Jimmy, you know. Well, let me explain.

It's an offshore facility.

Finally, something I know about. Did you get this, Rob?

So we got six five, blue eyes,

and the way I say trust fund is finance.

So we wrote that, because it's a bit like triff and tariff.

So in the question I said,

she was looking for a man in finance,

what did you put? And you said finance.

Also a man. You might as well have written a man.

No, I put trust fund. But the way I write it and say it is finance.

Points. No points. Did you get this, Katherine?

Yes, we did, of course.

We also have others.

It goes on to say moral relativism, can handle machinery

and has own Oyster card.

Here's the original.

Who says blue eyes like that? Bluiize.

It's the only one I've got out of those three.

They're nice blue eyes. David Guetta did a remix of that.

She became a huge star off the back of it. Take a look.

# I'm looking for a man in finance, trust fund

# 6' 5, blue eyes.

# Finance, trust fund... #

But Richard's, yours would go down very well too.

Yeah. Moral relativism.

Could I get a clean track of it so that David Guetta can do the remix?

OK.

Moral relativism.

Can handle machinery.

Has an Oyster card.

APPLAUSE

That's a hit. I hear a hit.

And people will make it.

Yeah.

Oh, my days.

We're happy with that, are we?

Yeah.

OK, next up I asked you what music trend people were describing.

What did you put?

Wagner.

We think it's Wagner.

You thought they were describing Wagner?

I mean, not well.

What did you think this was? Rob? Judi?

We wrote brat summer.

Maisie, Chris?

We wrote just Brat, but, yeah, both.

I don't know if they can get a point for just Brat, sorry.

No, I think it's Brat the concept.

You're right, Maisie. Brat is correct.

If anything, Jimmy, Brat Summer is wrong.

No, no, no.

Brat Summer came from Brat.

No, no.

Brat isn't the contraction of Brat Summer?

No, Brat came first before Brat Summer.

You have to have an understanding of Brat in order to have a Brat Summer.

Otherwise, it's just a summer.

What is Brat?

I'll tell you what Brat is. I'll tell you what Brat is.

I'll tell you what Brat is.

OK, Charli XCX came out with a recent album called Brat,

and it was a huge sensation. She described Brat as being,

"You're just like that girl who is a little messy

"and who likes to party and maybe say dumb things sometimes,

"who feels herself, but maybe also has a breakdown,

"but kind of like parties through it and is very honest, very blunt,

"a little bit volatile, like does dumb things.

Wow. That is a long-ass description.

Yeah.

I think Joe Biden might have been having a brat summer.

It said the brat essentials are a pack of cigarettes,

a Bic lighter, and a strappy white top with no bra.

Yes, and you can have brat and apply it to anything.

You can have a brat summer, you can have a brat school run.

Oh, yes.

Can you have a brat shuttle launch?

Do you know what? I think I had a brat shit this morning.

I felt silly and I had a breakdown halfway through,

lit a ciggie and ploughed on.

But you partied through it?

I partied through it. A couple more scrolls of TikTok,

couple of wipes, I was off.

Would you describe Wagner as brat?

I mean, Wagner certainly could be bratty.

Yeah. Don't count this out of the edit immediately.

I'm just saying, in terms of the edit,

just sit with the material for a bit. See if it sings.

OK, I asked you why this Instagram post was so notable.

What did you put? This was Taylor Swift and the cat.

That cat looks very healthy. Like it eats well.

Could it be a fake cat?

No, that's a, that's a real ass pussy.

If David Guetta wants the rights to that.

That guy is a trust fund and six foot five away

from being the ideal cat.

OK, can you tell me why that photo was notable?

The cat is missing its torso, but she's hiding it.

Was it because she called herself a cat woman and backed Kamala Harris?

Yeah. That is the right answer, yes.

She backed Kamala Harris,

because JD Vance, the vice presidential candidate,

described Democratic politicians as a bunch of childless cat ladies

with miserable lives.

And in other news, JD Vance is now presenting MasterChef.

Did everyone get that?

Yeah.

OK, great. Finally, I asked you why this monkey

made music headlines this year.

Robbie Williams is a monkey, isn't he, in his film?

There's a monkey who is Robbie Williams.

Did he get a monkey to play him in his documentary?

In a documentary? What?

No, like, obviously...

You thought that might be a documentary?

No. No, let's have a look at a clip of the documentary

about Robbie's life.

I'm Robbie Williams.

This is my story,

but I'm not going to tell it in an ordinary way,

because I don't see myself how others see me.

For the next two hours, your ass is mine.

Yeah, that's not a documentary, is it?

You've got a keen eye.

No.

If you had a film of your life, Jimmy,

what animal would you get to play you?

Cockroach.

Shots fired. Shots fired.

I reckon if you froze Jimmy, he'd come back to life as well.

Oh, they've tried.

If you kill him, he's just going to come back.

Could you imagine? Hundreds of little Jimmys.

Big heads, little bodies, running up around the pipes.

It's like watching digital TV late at night.

Jimmys fucking everywhere.

Nuclear holocaust, the only thing left is fucking Jimmy Carr.

Him and 20,000 accountants scurrying around.

All right,

let's have a look and see how you're doing.

So I can tell you, Richard, Katherine,

you have seven points. Rob, Judi, you have nine points.

Maisie and Chris are in the lead with ten.

APPLAUSE

Well, that's it for this part.

As my girlfriend said when she walked in on me covered in baby oil,

doing the splits over a Navy Seal's chin,

I think it's time for a break. See you in a bit.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz.

Some people are already saying this is the biggest

and best quiz we've ever done.

And those people work in the Channel 4 press office.

This round is all about film and TV.

The sequel to The Joker surprised many, as it was a musical.

But if I want to see people wearing too much make-up and singing badly,

I'll buy tickets to see The Sugababes.

You take that back!

It's going to get worse.

The cinematic version of Wicked was released in November,

but if I want to see angry witches fighting each other,

I'll just watch Loose Women.

APPLAUSE

Judi, have him. Have him.

I knew you was coming for us.

That's why you never come on the show.

I'm a big star.

Come on.

I love hearing your affirmations.

I'm a real boy. I'm a real boy.

It's financially questionable, but not illegal.

It's financially... Sorry.

We had Rishi Sunak on.

We had Rishi Sunak on.

They've had loads of unlikeable people. you'll be fine.

We've had all... Yeah, exactly.

OK, all right.

I've got some film and TV questions for you.

For our first question,

it's over to Aidan Turner and Danny fucking Dyer.

Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy.

In our new show Rivals, things get a little bit saucy.

But not as saucy as one of the quotes of the year, which was...

For me, I always take it from the back

because it's got that lovely crispy rim.

So, I'm going to get in there and that's just the best bit.

Proper filth.

All we want to know is who said it

and what on earth were they talking about?

This is how you do it!

That is how you read the fucking quiz!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Much better!

That was proper. I actually knew it was going on.

That was so good, my chair collapsed.

I've no idea how to get back up.

You look like Rishi Sunak now.

I've got no Sky TV, Mel. I've got no Sky TV.

He looks like a magician that's panicking.

Are we going to get you out?

If you could reach over and pump him up, go on.

This won't look at all questionable.

I don't need that gif in my life.

Katherine, I think we already have the meme.

OK, Aidan Turner and Danny Dyer wanted to know who said this

and what were they talking about.

For me, I always take it from the back,

because it's got that lovely crispy rim,

so I'm going to get in there, and that's just the best bit.

So, what were they talking about?

OK, next, here's a clip from a baffling event in New York

back in October. Just tell me what's going on.

I think that would be my guess.

In that video, Chris, there's a bunch

of guys that all look sort of similar.

It's like a gathering of hipsters.

Tough one.

The spelling's got well out of hand here.

All right, next up, a TV show of the year went viral

for its unique audio descriptions.

I'm going to play in the audio description of an iconic scene.

All I want to know is what is the show. Let's have a listen

to the eloquent and very evocative audio.

Oh, finally, a fucking video I can do.

That is fair.

Apparently, you've just played me one of a lookalike competition.

OK, well, here's one for you, Chris.

He presses his lips to hers,

flattening her against the back of her seat.

His hand slides up her skirt, coming to rest at her hip.

She grips his lapel as they kiss fervently.

He pulls back and slowly slips one of her puffed sleeves

down along the creamy skin of her shoulder.

He brushes his lips over her throat and the yielding flesh below.

MasterChef.

APPLAUSE

I literally just finished writing Gregg Wallace Inside The Factory.

OK, what show was being described there?

What scene and what show?

OK, for our final question, we have a real treat.

She's a genuine Hollywood star.

Please welcome... Well, I'm going to go and get her.

I'm going to go and get Peggy.

Peggy? Yeah, where's Peggy?

Oh, it's a dog. I've got Peggy.

It's a small dog.

Like, Jimmy's holding it in both arms.

Hello, Peggy. Now... Shh, shh, shh. Hello, Peggy.

You're such a cute dog.

So Peggy was the star this year of a big movie.

Name the role she played.

Now, Chris, you can't see her,

so do you want to touch her face like you're Lionel Richie in Hello?

Chris, I'm going to intervene here and say whatever you do,

do not touch that fucking dog.

Why?

Maisie is just jealous

because someone's got the same haircut as Peggy.

APPLAUSE

Oh, my gosh.

So, hang on. I'm going to bring her over here.

You're genuinely bringing... Is this a real dog?

Yeah, it's a beautiful dog. So, if you just put your hand on her.

Give me the hand there.

It's got... Oh, my goodness.

Now, I know, Chris, that feels like a ball sack,

but now I'm going to let you touch the dog.

This is where you get your hair from.

OK, so we'll do the answers. I mean, I'm absolutely in love with Peggy.

She's doing a little purr.

No, this is starting to make you look normal, Jimmy.

OK, all right, let's go to answers.

For me, I always take it from the back

because it's got that lovely crispy rim.

So I'm going to get in there, and that's just the best bit.

Who said that? We put Jamie Oliver on a cooking show

talking about a roast bird. Yeah.

And what have you got?

We knew it was Jamie Oliver. We weren't sure exactly what food.

And you've said? Jamie Oliver, but I didn't know.

Points, points, points.

Have a look at this very erotic moment.

Let's have a try.

Now, for me, I always take it from the back,

because it's got that lovely crispy rim.

So I'm going to get in there, and that's just the best bit, honestly.

Ho, ho, ho.

He knew, didn't he?

Yeah. OK, all right.

Also, you're going to eat the end anyway, so just wait your turn, Jay.

Next, I showed you a clip of an event taking place in New York

and asked you what the event was. What do you all think?

Well, we said lookalike,

and then Judi's written Timothee Shamalalaylola.

Oh, I love that song.

Chalamet.

Maisie, Chris?

Can we get two points for this?

Because we put Timothee Chalamet lookalike,

but Chris rightfully pointed out he doesn't know what

Timothee Chalamet looks like in the first place.

OK, so points, points, points.

I asked you what the audio description was,

the sexy audio description. Did you get this?

Rob, Judi? Bridgerton.

Maisie, Chris? We guessed Bridgerton because they shag a lot.

Yeah. Did you get Bridgerton?

I knew. It was the steamy carriage scene of Bridgerton.

And finally, I asked you, my new best friend Peggy,

who do you think she played?

Citizen Kane.

Deadpool, police officer.

And who did she play? The dog bit.

A police officer.

Maisie, what did you write?

The ball sack in Saltburn 2.

Peggy was, of course,

Dogpool in Deadpool Vs Wolverine. Say goodbye, Peggy.

Bye, Peggy.

Bye, Peggy. Oh, my God. This is the best bit of the show by far.

Hang on. Oh, bless her.

She's amazing.

Is she British? Is Peggy British, or has she flown in?

She's British.

Oh, is she? Well done.

Respect.

Local talent.

APPLAUSE

Now it's time for a special bonus round.

I'm going to show you scenes from films released this year

which have been subtly improved with an appearance from me.

Just name the film. I want the exact title of the film.

First up, take a look.

# Flowing down

# Someone left the cake out in the rain

# I don't think that I can take it

# Cos it took so long to bake it

# And I'll never have that recipe again

# Oh, no. #

This is amazing!

APPLAUSE

How have you done that? Well, thank you. Thank you.

Rob did not know that the faces had been changed.

Who did you think it was?

At one point, I thought I saw Kate Nash.

I didn't know, I'd never seen any of these actors.

OK, that's the first one. Here's the second one.

Jimmy, you have got such a transferable face.

I know, he only got it transferred on a week ago.

APPLAUSE

OK, here's the second one. Take a look.

Witness me!

Among us are 972...

APPLAUSE

You just look so good with the beard.

Oh, no, this is me looking good.

The third one is highly sexualised content. Take a look.

Thank you so much, everybody. I'll see you next week.

And in the meantime, take care of yourself.

APPLAUSE

So, you got three films?

Yes. What did you think the first one was? Katherine, Richard?

Beetlejuice 2. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

Correct answer. Oh, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

We've gone for Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

And you've written the second Beetlejuice

over the first one, have you?

The thing is... There weren't enough time, there weren't enough space.

Chris, Maisie? Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

Points all round. OK.

Thank you. Let's have a look at how it should have looked.

Wow. That's scary.

I think he's better with me. Yeah.

All right. Yeah.

The next one, what did you get?

Mad Max.

But Mad Max what? Furioso.

Mad Max: Furiosa is the right answer, did you get this?

Yeah, I wrote Mad Max and I just went Furioso in the middle.

It's my interpretation, Furioso.

Yeah, look, there's the F.

Ignore the Dune 2, I believe.

That's a tricky one.

I just went Furioso.

OK, Furiosa is the name of the film, so points.

No points, no points.

Sorry, we were the only ones that put Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

We have had Triff all night.

We have had injustice after injustice.

Yeah, they should get a point, and we should get a point too.

All right, we'll give it to you. We'll give you Mad Max. Thank you.

Fine. OK. What was the last one?

Jimmy, I'm losing respect for you.

You're just giving out points willy-nilly at this point.

He gave us a point, though. Good decision.

Good decision. He was brilliant.

Let's have a look at the Mad Max. Ooh.

Furiosa, there you go. That's what they look like.

There we go, Mad Max. Oh, that's scary. And this guy's got a goitre.

And the last one? The Substance.

Yes, The Substance. Oh, yeah. Is that with Demi Moore?

Yeah. Oh, I met her the other day.

You met her the other day?

Yeah. She was a big fan. I was like, what?

What was she like?

Who did she think you were?

Oprah.

Yeah, that's very...

And can you talk to us about her face and body?

Do you know what I was going to say? Her face, her skin was immaculate.

She looked amazing, it was tight,

it was so clear and smooth. She had a lovely...

This is not a question I asked, so...

Oh, thank you. So the fact that I met the person.

Did you get this right, though?

Did you get it right, though?

What did you write, though? But what did you write?

Demi Moore. Demi Moore, what?

Right, so I'm dyslexic,

and that says Demi Moore in The Substance.

It really does look like Devil Wears Prada 2.

I can tell you it was The Substance.

So let's see what that's done to the scores.

Richard and Katherine have 13. Yes.

Rob and Judi have 15. Maisie and Chris have 16.

Yes, Chris. We are bossing this, mate.

Absolutely bossing it.

We are going to take a quick break now

while Katherine tops up on the substance. See you in five.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz,

where six comedians answer questions,

questions like, where were you between nine and ten

on the night of the party, and how did you meet P Diddy?

This next round is all about science and technology.

In July, Elon Musk officially endorsed Donald Trump.

Just goes to show, behind every twat, there's an arsehole.

We can only hope that Elon Musk is playing the long game

and planning on sending Trump to Mars.

Time for some more questions from the world of science and technology.

For your first question, it's over to film star David Johnson.

Hi, Jimmy. Earlier this year,

I played the synthetic person Andy in Alien: Romulus.

So when Elon Musk unveiled an army of robots at an event

back in October, I was very curious.

One of the robots was asked what the hardest thing

about being a robot is.

Can your teams tell me what it said?

So David wants to know what Elon Musk's robot said was

the hardest thing about being a robot. Yeah.

Yeah, we've got some footage of the event. Have a look at the event.

And we've made a lot of progress with the Optimus.

OK.

Surely they missed the opportunity to get the robots to do the robot.

You would have thought that would be the best thing. Yeah.

All right, for the next question,

it's over to Hollywood director Richard Curtis.

Hi, Jimmy. In my new film, That Christmas,

we see a cluster of tales of love, family, and friendship

all kicked off kilter by a blizzard hitting a seaside town.

Speaking of which, 2024 was a big year for weather phenomena,

but people in the UK complained about missing

a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity back in May,

because they couldn't see something with the naked eye.

Can your teams tell me what it was?

The real question is, what happened to Richard Curtis's body?

Someone's nicked that.

Yeah! He's just a floating head.

I don't feel like I can ask Chris what people might be angry

about not seeing with the naked eye.

Richard wants to know what once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

people complained about back in May

because they couldn't see it with the naked eye.

He gave me a nice present once.

Was it a reel of film from Love Actually put in a little keychain?

Fucking hell, I thought it was special.

Yeah, he dishes them out to everyone. I've got one.

The problem is, I thought it was like a stalker.

You thought he was a stalker?

Well, I got the gift and I didn't know who it was from

and I called the police and all that.

It's a weird little trinket.

Got my doors changed, my locks, all kind of stuff.

You got a gift from Richard Curtis

and you got the locks changed and called the police?

I didn't know his signature

and the film bit said, "You are..." What's it, it had the...?

What's the bit when he's standing there? To me, you're perfect.

Yeah, so it said, "To me, you're perfect,"

I've seen a scribble on it and I've seen my name.

Someone said, "To me, you're perfect."

You went, "Well, this guy's clearly a nutter."

OK, have a listen to this audio clip of Michael Parkinson.

What's unusual about it?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

Today, my guest is a man whose journey from a young boy

with dreams in Florida to a global music sensation

has been nothing short of extraordinary.

He's an artist with a keen business acumen,

a TikTok phenomenon, and a devoted father.

OK, so what's unusual about that clip of Michael Parkinson?

Finally, what connects these three things?

Thousands of flight cancellations back in July,

a backlog of GP appointments, and a blackout in Times Square.

Something happened.

I know what happened. What happened?

You don't know the question, so how do you know the answer?

Yeah, but you can't know. You can't get it. You don't know the question.

I can't ask him again. You ask him.

No, I'm not going to ask him. You ask him.

You've been in the game long enough.

Katherine wanted to know the question again.

Katherine, didn't you?

Yes, I did. God, guys!

Come on, Katherine. Fucking listen.

Judi, I'm going to ask the question again. Can you pay attention?

Sorry. OK, finally, what connects these three?

Flight cancellations back in July,

a backlog of GP appointments

and a blackout in Times Square.

OK, all right, you ready for answers?

I think so.

I asked you what did Elon Musk's Tesla robot say

was the hardest thing about being a robot? What did you think?

It's the same thing you struggle with, Jimmy,

it was learning how to be human.

What are feelings?

OK, so what have you got for this?

We've got, yeah, trying, learning, be like humans.

Yeah, we've got the same kind of thing. Trying to be human.

Why are they even trying to make robots act human in the first place?

Well, they saw Jimmy and the idea came and thought,

"Fuck, this is what..."

I can't. Do you know, I want you to be in Black Mirror,

like one of those shows.

You would be, I think you could, you could be like Peggy, right?

And be one of our national treasures, taking over Hollywood.

Something about robots and the ugliest dog in the world

has made you think this guy.

Yeah.

Why are you here? Yeah.

OK, should we take a look at a clip of this?

Go on, then.

I am not going to be single for long.

Imagine what setting you could get that to as well.

Can we have that face again?

There's a power surge in South London, Judi's on the Tesla.

Dirty South.

What's the hardest thing about being Judi's robot? My dick.

OK, all right, points all round.

Richard Curtis wanted to know what once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

people complained about missing. What have you all put?

Northern Lights. Oh. Northern Lights.

Yeah, I saw this. So I don't know what happened,

but some people could see the auroraeola borealis, whatever.

Areola. And then some people couldn't.

Areola borealis? Yeah. And I don't know, like,

from the could-sees and the could-nots,

did you have to be up high? Is it too cloudy?

It's crap and it's overrated. It's a green cloud,

looks better on your phone than your eyes. Just google it.

It was a bit orange. It was a bit orange.

How is it once-in-a-lifetime?

You can book holidays to go and see it.

Seeing it in the UK was kind of the once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Yeah, but it doesn't look like that. When you look at it,

it only looks like that if you've got a good camera,

because lenses are better than your eyes. It's pointless.

So you might as well just look at the phone.

Rob, who hurt you?

I'll tell you what.

A trip to Iceland that cost me about 800 quid, and I saw fuck all.

Well, normally, if you want to see the Aurora Borealis,

you've got to squat over a mirror.

Jimmy, really?

Have you just had so much work done that your bum hole

is now green and pink?

I don't know if that would be work done,

but, yeah, maybe. All right, take a look at these guys

who thought they'd seen the Northern Lights.

We've been catfished.

Have we been catfished?

We thought it was the Northern Lights. It's a fucking building.

Yeah, they thought they'd seen the Aurora Borealis.

It turned out to be a Premier Inn.

That's what this set is modelled after.

The Premier Inn. I knew I'd seen it before.

Is it a buffet breakfast here,

or is it like a full English?

What do you do?

It's a buffet. OK.

I asked you what was unique about an audio clip of Michael Parkinson.

He's dead.

What a way to find out.

He's been dead ages, hasn't he?

Yeah, that's why. What is it, Judi?

It's AI podcast.

Well, yeah, we put he's dead. Is it...? Well, it's got to be AI.

It's AI. It's AI.

I'm getting interviewed by it in the new year. No!

Yeah. I figured, why not? Everyone's just a fucking voice to me,

aren't they? So.

APPLAUSE

It's interesting, isn't it?

It is. It sounds exactly like him, doesn't it? It does. Yeah.

So he's just... Have you got a clip of it, Jimmy?

We've just heard it.

That's how we knew the answer. Cos we heard it.

That's how we do the answer, Judi.

Oh, my God. Can we hear the clip?

Finally, I asked you what linked thousands of flight cancellations,

a backlog of GP appointments,

and a blackout in Times Square. What did you all think?

It was the Timothee Chalamet lookalike contest.

Especially the GP appointments.

Yeah. Especially those.

We've got cyberhack, attack, hackers,

computers, internet, bitches.

I don't know why you wrote that. Broadband WiFi.

Yeah. They're all sort of connected words,

but not quite the story. What did you get?

Crowdstrike, which is the name of the company that went down.

It was, of course, the Crowdstrike Microsoft outage.

Don't we get one for cyber attack?

No, it wasn't a cyber attack.

No, but it was an internet company.

But it wasn't a cyber... It wasn't a cyber attack.

It was a software update.

They did the software update and broke everything in the world.

Well, it's cyber, innit?

Judi, fair play. Fair play. We ain't got that.

OK, so points, no points, no points.

OK, now it's time for a special bonus round.

This is the part of the show where I introduce a mystery guest.

All you need to do is tell me who they are.

However, you can only ask yes or no questions.

Please welcome my mystery guests.

APPLAUSE

It's a pleasure to see you.

Now, they obviously don't know who you are.

They're going to ask yes or no questions. Please, have at it.

Did you audition for Birds of a Feather?

Are you two super viral famous?

It doesn't help if you just nod, do you know what I mean?

Oh, my God.

It helps everyone else. Yes.

Was you the lady hanging out of the window with your breasts showing?

APPLAUSE

OK, so this is... Well done, Judi.

We've really fucked the mystery guest round.

I've got to say, that's the best interrogation scene I've ever seen.

"No, no, no, no. Are you in Birds of a Feather?"

And then immediately the right answer. I'm just like, that stands.

You know what? That needs to run in one continuous shot.

You've just got cinema, Jimmy, and you're questioning it.

Sometimes magic happens, just celebrate it.

Katherine said viral video, and I just thought,

what was the best part? It was the... Has anyone seen it?

No.

It was the, honestly, I love you girls.

It was the... I pissed myself, me and my friends.

You pissed yourself, she pissed down herself.

Your tits are great, girl.

Only that way up, not this way up. It's all different.

Can we explain what happens in the video?

So, Chris is here now. Chris is blind.

So, can you explain exactly what happened?

Oh, Jesus, Chris.

So, you were locked out and you tried to get in...

There was one top little window open

and the brains of the operation next to me decided

to hoof me through that, which I got stuck.

Head first. Head first on my tyres and peed around my neck.

What? While I was hanging like a bat, yeah.

So you're upside down, shirt off, boobs out,

and then you pissed up yourself.

That was a killer. It pooled in my collarbone.

Excuse me, we lost a detail there.

The urine pooled where?

In my collarbone. Oh, how lovely.

Well, we've all been there.

Imagine the audio description,

"A warm golden liquid caresses her breasts."

I think we know who it is.

I'm going to say points all round, because...

No! Oh, no, no, no.

Jimmy. Write down your answer, then.

Let's see if the others get it right.

They're never getting it. She's not seen it, he's not seen a computer.

These two, he's blind, and Maisie had no idea.

This is a stand-off situation, right?

They've never even seen... I just stood up in heels.

Judi Love.

Stood up in heels! I deserve...

I just stood up in heels, can I have a point?

You get my point, girl, you get my point.

So, all right, we'll just give the points to you then, Judi,

if you want to be greedy. Thank you. That is fair.

Let's have a look. It's magnificent.

It's so good. I can't wait to see this.

OK, so here we go. Oh, yeah, I'll get you up there, no problem.

What could go wrong?

OK, I'll... I can't hold it any longer,

I'll just have to piss up myself.

And then...

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

What have you done to commemorate this?

Tattoos done. You got tattoos done?

Of what, of you upside-down?

Let's have a look. Where's the tattoo?

Hang on, here it comes.

APPLAUSE

Oh, that is.

She's got my tits on her leg.

She has got your tits on her leg, there's no...

Let's see what that's done to the scores.

I can tell you, well, Richard and Katherine have 16.

Rob and Judi have 19. Maisie and Chris also have 19.

Neck and neck.

That's it for this part. Thank you to Lisa and Lisa.

See you after the break.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz,

the show that really makes you think.

Mainly, it makes you think, really, was that this year?

Our next round is all about people.

It was the year of Biden and Trump.

Trump won the US election,

and there was a certain poetic justice.

Trump got rid of Americans' abortion rights,

and now Americans can't get rid of him.

On the upside, Trump wears so much fake tan,

he's technically the second person of colour to become president.

Right, time for some more questions.

This image of a man made headlines back in March. Why?

If Chris gets this and we don't.

People thought he was someone.

He is a man who's in his either badly kept late 40s or early 50s.

He's got salt and pepper hair, it's not receding.

And then his nose is quite swollen,

like he has maybe a medium alcoholism issue.

I think the alcohol problem, I don't know if you can...

This is the thing, Jimmy, you're not a friend to the blind like I am.

Uh-huh. And I know...

I don't think you're that unattractive.

Oh, my God.

Friend to the blind is the term we use for her.

That's it, honestly, a friend to the blind.

More and more every year.

Yeah. And Chris will back me up in saying that you can't be kind

with audio description, you just have to say what you see.

How would you audio describe me?

A super hunk.

That was a really good self-edit.

Jimmy has the work ethic of an immigrant

and the personal wealth of the country that immigrant had to flee.

APPLAUSE

Fucking hell. That's why you're one of the best.

I'd say your laugh is the reason your parents

never tickled you growing up.

Oh, my days.

She's great.

You have these just locked and loaded?

An AI, Jimmy, would give itself away cos it'd have a personality.

This is the best bit of the show.

APPLAUSE

OK. Question two in this round.

Lily Allen revealed that she's paid less by Spotify

than she gets from another surprising side hustle.

All I want to know is, what is Lily Allen's side hustle?

Crochet?

What, sorry? Crochet.

I'll try it a third time.

Crochet.

Yep, it actually keeps building.

For our next question, and I cannot stress this enough,

you are going to have to watch it.

For our next question, it's over to Nella Rose.

Hi, Jimmy. As you know, I like to keep abreast

of the viral trends online.

And back in April, I couldn't help but notice people thirsting over

a viral picture of Mark Zuckerberg.

The picture was subtly edited,

turning Zuck into a daddy in the process.

So can your team tell me what edit was made, please?

The girls want to know.

Another great job.

She was great.

Thank you for respecting the quiz.

So Nella wants to know what was added to a picture

of Mark Zuckerberg that made him a daddy.

What made people thirst after him?

OK, for our final question,

it's over to esteemed actor Charles Dance.

He will be reading an extract from a celebrity autobiography

released this year, but who is the mystery author?

Over to you, Charles.

I was ecstatic.

The public had voted for me to go on a date with the new girl.

So far, there hadn't been a girl on the show

who I'd really clicked with.

Even though I'd been coupled up with Lucy, who was lovely,

I knew we wouldn't be more than friends,

so I was excited to meet the bombshell before the others.

I put on the tightest pair of black trunks I could find,

and some of the guys walked me to the door that led on to the terrace.

Before I went through, I dropped down and did close to 100 press-ups.

I kid you not. Veins out, chest like breasts.

I wanted to look muscular.

I was filled with adrenaline and everyone was laughing,

so I told them to leave me alone and let me get in the zone,

like I was about to get in the ring.

I walked onto the terrace, looked in the corner,

saw Molly sat in the hot tub and thought, oh, my God, yes.

I'd never seen anyone who was more my type.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

It was as if the production team had waved a magic wand.

APPLAUSE

OK, I've got some answers. Are you ready?

Yes. All right, OK.

I asked you why this man made headlines.

What did you put? Maisie, Chris, what did you think?

This one was hard. We just guessed, is it a big Al Pacino?

Richard, Katherine, what have you got?

I thought it looked a little bit like a disgruntled Russell Crowe

disconnecting his cable TV. In a good way.

Or pulling a lost snake out of his personhood.

What?

OK. You call it personhood. You should narrate porn.

Yeah.

Rob, Judi? Well, we think it's what people think might be Banksy.

That's why I drew the girl with the balloon.

I tried to draw a rat but it looks like a tampon. Sorry.

I mean, the art is very, very poor,

but that is the right answer.

People thought that was Banksy. OK.

Banksy likes me, you know?

Does he use the same scaffolding company

as the people that do your face?

Round two, ding-ding.

Katherine, come on.

Because when he did the installation Dismaland,

he booked me to do stand-up there

and then there have been other instances like...

So do you take that as a compliment?

Dismaland. He booked you in Dismaland.

Oh, no! This place is Dismaland.

"Tell you what'll be shit, guys. Katherine Ryan."

Work is work. Remember that, everyone.

Work is work.

Nice, OK. Next, I asked you what Lily Allen's side hustle was

that made her more money than Spotify. Did you all get this?

Yeah, it's easy.

She's selling pictures of her trotters, isn't she?

Very nicely put. She is.

I had a peek on there. She's got lovely, lovely, lovely feet.

Not anyone can just whack their trotters on to OnlyFans.

I thought you could have, like, the most mash-up feet.

Cos there's people that will want you to, like,

smash potatoes with your toes.

What's she doing with her feet? Nothing sexual.

Sorry, Judi. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We can't just ride on as if no-one said smash potatoes with your toes.

What? Yeah, I mean, everyone's had someone ask.

Have you had weird offers? I mean...

What have you been asked to do?

Mash potatoes with your trotters.

Mash potatoes with your feet?

Like, stepping in, mashing potatoes with your feet.

Yeah, no, I know what you mean, but it's...

Can we take a look at your trotters?

They're not that pretty.

OK, that's getting on a website ASAP now.

Yeah, there you go. They're nice, Judi.

They're nice. Here, Judi, come stand on these.

Wow.

What are we doing now? Didn't even question it.

This is really...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second, Judi. Keep going,

I'll do the audio description for Chris.

I need a pot to put them in. Where's the one you threw?

Here you go. This is my pot of sweets.

This is the only thing I come here for.

We're making the show viral.

By the time I finish this, you might come again.

OK, so, Judi is...

She's picking up jelly babies with her toes

and dropping them in a cup.

And it's maybe the least erotic thing I've ever seen.

Judi, you're giving this away for free.

It's ruining your revenue stream.

I've only got one more to do. Three. Come on!

AUDIENCE: Two. One.

Get it in the cup!

CHEERING

Oh, my God.

APPLAUSE

Did I actually miss out on something there or did I get away with it?

Honestly, I wish I was blind.

OK, so that was, so Lily Allen's Side Hustle

is an OnlyFans where it's $10 a month for membership.

And those are her little feet.

Oh, look, Judi, she's got nice feet.

Is that one foot?

OK, we asked you what was added to a picture of Mark Zuckerberg

that made people thirst over him. What did you put?

We put a moustache.

OK. What did you go for?

He had a fit beard. A fit beard. Yeah.

What have you gone for, Katherine?

I thought a beard would be daddy,

but Richard disagreed and put a tunnel into his stomach.

Into his stomach.

A what, sorry? A tunnel.

Into? His stomach.

You can just go in whenever you want.

Well, let's have a look, shall we?

So that's what he looks like on the left,

and then they've basically Chris Martin-ed him.

Wow, Rob, don't ever cut off your beard.

Really? Cos he looks hotter with the beard.

You know that's not me, yeah? No.

OK, Charles Dance read an extract from an autobiography

from this year.

Who do you think wrote that autobiography?

Tommy Fury. Tommy Fury.

OK, let's go over to Charles Dance for the answer.

And that was, of course,

an extract from Lightning Can Strike Twice,

My Life as a Fury by Tommy Fury.

Charles Dance, everyone.

APPLAUSE

It's time now for a bonus round.

I've got a special guest. It's Star of the Traitors, Diane.

APPLAUSE

Hello, Diane. Now, you have a question for us, drinks related.

Yes, so in the castle, I was a Faithful,

and the Traitors had to get rid of the Faithfuls,

and as I'm partial to a fizzy rose,

I was offered a fizzy rose, but sadly,

it was in a poison chalice, which I didn't know about.

Tonight, though, I brought some of my own poison chalices

for the guests here. Hopefully, you won't meet the same ending as I did.

Right, poison chalices, everyone. Let's hand these out.

I'm nervous. The question is,

the pop star Dua Lipa this year started a new drink trend

using some very interesting ingredients.

Can you name those ingredients, please?

How many ingredients are there?

There are three ingredients.

Three?

They can't see where they're going. Honestly, it's full of wires here.

They stink!

There's pickle in there, isn't there? There's pickle.

Tastes like my nan's attitude.

And a smile.

Write down your answers.

What three things are in this drink?

There's something more rank than just that in there.

It tastes like arse.

I think whoever's arse you're tasting needs to see a doctor.

I've never tasted arse.

How'd you get on this show?

Just remembered that my gran likes to watch

every time I'm on the telly.

All right, so what do you all think is in this drink?

Have you tried something? Do you want to try something?

We feel like we know. No, thanks.

Are you sure? No, I watched the response. OK, all right.

Not falling for that again.

Our guess is jalapenos, pickle juice, and mistrust with Diet Coke.

And what was the third thing?

Mistrust. Mistrust.

I thought you said Liz Truss.

It's a very similar thing.

OK, what have you got, Rob, Judi?

We've got pickle juice, coke and spiced tomato juice.

Spice and tomato, so it's spice.

OK. No, no, it's not right.

Maisie, Chris?

Pickle juice, soda water and Tabasco.

And the points go to...

That's right. ..Richard and Katherine.

That's right. Perfect.

APPLAUSE

And it is genuinely unpleasant.

So the ingredients were Diet Coke, pickle juice and jalapeno juice.

And the secret, mistrust.

Let's see what that's done to the scores.

OK, I can tell you, Richard and Katherine, you got 20.

That's right.

Maisie, Chris, you got 22.

In the lead, Rob and Judi are in the lead. How's this justice?

23.

That's it for this part. Thank you again, Diane.

See you after the break. Cheers.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of the Year.

Sadly, this is the last ever Big Fat Quiz,

because in January, we're putting the show on Ozempic.

This next round is all about sport.

Back in July, England lost the final of the Euros.

It's an astonishing fact that England's top goal-scorer,

Harry Kane, has never won a trophy at club or international level.

And in fact, last Father's Day, he received a mug saying,

World's Second Best Dad.

After the 2024 Paris Olympics,

Tom Daley announced he was retiring from synchronised diving.

Sadly, his diving partner didn't retire at exactly the same time,

so they didn't win anything.

OK, time for some sports questions.

Here's Adele talking about one of her favourite sporting moments

of the year. All I want to know is, what is she talking about?

It's all that me and my friends have been talking about last night

after the show and today. And I'm not saying anything.

I think it's the best thing that's happened in the Olympics

the entire time. Have you seen it, Eric? Have you seen it, guys?

Of course Matt hasn't seen it.

Aaron, my percussionist, is kissing himself laughing.

I can't work out if it was a joke, but either way,

it has made me very, very happy,

and many of my friends have been shitting ourselves laughing.

Shitting ourselves laughing?

OK, so what is Adele talking about?

For our next question, it's over to Paralympic legend Dame Sarah Storey.

Hi, Jimmy. Back in the summer,

I was delighted to win my 19th gold medal

at the Paralympics in Paris.

Watching from the sidelines was this,

the mascot for the Games.

But can your teams tell me what

inspired the creation of this mascot?

OK, so what inspired that Olympic mascot? It's a red triangle.

Should have been a square, but it was missing a side.

Yeah.

That's a Paralympic joke.

All right, question number three in the sports round.

Back in August, tennis legend Andy Murray retired from tennis.

He posted on X a few hours after his final match. What did he say?

Oh, what did he say?

So his final ever tennis match,

he tweeted a few hours later.

French Olympian Anthony Ammirati made headlines

for crashing out of the Olympics in an unusual way.

Oh, no, I thought that's him!

What happened? Oh, we found your level.

Oh, no.

I've got answers for you.

I asked you what Adele's favourite sporting moment of the year was.

What did you all put? Oh, it's Raygun, isn't it?

It is Raygun. Yeah.

Raygun dancing. Raygun. Did you get this?

She's called Raygun?

Yeah. Her name is Rachael Gunn,

and then her clever break dance name is Raygun.

Raygun. Could you show us the dance?

We can't afford the footage of the Olympics.

What was the dance like?

How are we winning this quiz?

This is why I've dressed casual today.

There we go!

You know the whole dance?

That's what she did.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

When you were both up there doing that sort of jittery stuff

like that, you know when we go to a new city and there's some sort of,

like, drug problem and there's all those zombies?

That's what she looks like.

Oh, Chris, you couldn't enjoy my breaking.

No, that's all right.

I also couldn't enjoy it.

Just move on, Jimmy. Yeah.

Dame Sarah Storey asked what inspired the Olympic

and Paralympic Games mascot. What did you think?

I just turned to Chris and he just went, Le fridge.

It was something about freedom. The freedom fridge.

You're close.

What?! The fridge of freedom. It's close?

What did you put, Richard? Katherine?

A clitoris, because...

I don't think it looks like a clitoris,

but when I was in Paris,

they said they don't like their mascot,

because they think it looks like a French clitoris.

OK, Rob, Judi?

Well, Judi went to the Olympics and Paralympics,

and she said it was blood cells,

spat on my face by accident, and then said, hearts.

The Frisian cat,

so it was the symbol of the French Revolution.

Jimmy, le fridge, surely?

Well, I'll ask them upstairs. Do they get a point for le fridge?

No.

Huh? You're joking.

All right, keep your hair on, or maybe don't.

I am not having shit from you when you look like a cross

between Lady Diana and Hillary Clinton.

Stay in your lane.

OK, if you two could stop flirting for a minute.

I asked you what Andy Murray posted on X hours after his retirement.

What did you put?

Blood cells or not? No, no, we didn't put blood cells.

That's the last one. Andy Murray did not tweet blood cells.

Blood cells/hearts. We put "Never liked tennis anyway."

Did he say that? That is exactly the right answer.

Yes!

What did you put? We put that too. Never liked tennis anyway.

Yeah. Did you put that? Yeah...Yeah. OK. I never liked...

Liked tennis anyway. It makes no sense and it's needlessly long.

Maisie? Never liked tennis anyway.

OK, never liked tennis anyway, yeah.

Finally, I asked you how French Olympian Anthony Ammirati

crashed out of the Olympics. I presume you all got this.

Yeah.

You bet. What a guy. Well, I didn't get his proper name,

but Pole Vault Knob Guy.

I told you his name.

Oh. Well, then you've already covered it.

He didn't. That was the problem.

Perfect. Rob, Judi, did you get this?

His private parts hit the pole bar. Delightful.

You'd take everybody knowing that your knob knocked the pole

off the pole vault thing over a gold medal any day of the week.

I'd love my knob to knock anything over.

What are you dealing with, Rich?

What am I dealing with? Yeah.

This shit. Yeah.

I noticed, Richard, you're the only one here

just protecting your career.

As if I have a career.

I wouldn't be here.

This is where people go to die.

Yeah, I wish that was more of a joke from you.

Yeah, he knocked the pole off with his penis.

Now, we're going to have what I can only describe as

a very insensitive round now, Chris.

It's time for Say What You See.

Just write nothing and he'll get points.

APPLAUSE

I love how flexible the format is, depending on who's on it.

Yeah. OK, let's, uh... What round are we on?

What round? Well, you're on round one.

I think I've got more chance at this than Judi has.

OK, so Maisie will be your eyes for this, Chris.

Say what you see, take a look.

This is a sporting headline from the year.

Sporting headline from the year.

What is the building, Jimmy?

Yes, you've got it! Well done.

APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh!

OK. Time's up, let's have a look and see what you've got.

Maisie, Chris, let's go to you. Say what you saw.

Come on, man. You got this.

Ed Sheeran invests in Boyhood Club.

CHEERING

Ed Shear-Anne inn-vests inn Boy-hood Club

is exactly the right answer.

Rob, what did you write?

I've written Ed Sheeran pub arms pub boy hood dance.

Oh, so close.

And what have you gone for, Richard, Katherine?

Well, we put double-crossed instead of vests.

That would have been good.

Double-crossed? He was double-crossed in a pub

by the Riddler.

OK, so just so we're clear, beaten by a blind man

in the Say What You See round.

APPLAUSE

I mean...

I'm not going to lie, it's shocking.

First Strictly, now this. There's nothing you can't do.

Because he's not even blind.

And that's a double cross.

How else is he going to beat me on say what you see?

Richard Ayoade, we're both pretty smart. One of us is smart.

I've got Rob Beckett.

OK, let's have a look and see what that's done to the scores.

Oh, well, this is unbelievable.

Richard and Katherine, you've got 23 points.

Joint leaders, Maisie and Chris, and Rob and Judi, leading.

No idea. Let's make up again.

There's no justice.

Time for a break.

And as I say to my girlfriend during sex,

you can turn over if you like,

but it won't be as much fun for you. See you in five.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz, where looking at the scores,

I can tell you, it literally could be more exciting.

The next round is all about the year's water cooler moments.

Farmers mounted huge protests against increased taxes.

I personally hope the farmers succeed,

and in unrelated news, thinking about buying a farm.

All right, for our first water cooler moment,

it's over to Love Is Blind's Jasmine and Bobby.

Hi, Jimmy. In Love Is Blind,

we took the plunge in leaving the dating scene behind us.

But we were intrigued by a viral dating trend this summer

that had people actively seeking

a not necessarily conventionally handsome boyfriend

with a svelte body and angular features.

A term was coined for this type of boyfriend.

Can your team tell us what it was?

Do you know? Yeah.

Here's some celebrity examples.

Yeah, perfect examples.

So what is the name of the trend?

Saltburn.

Saltburn. Just the name of a film that came out the year before.

Fine. Really?

Back in June,

this woman became an internet sensation for responding

to the question, what's one move in bed

that makes a man go crazy every time. What did she say?

I can tell you Haliey Welch is her name.

And she's being interviewed in Texas.

Hang on, Judi's got an answer.

Finally...

It's Judi's...

APPLAUSE

We found Judi's specialist round there.

OK, take a look at these people taking part

in an online travel trend this year.

What are they doing?

So these guys are, Chris, staring into the middle distance.

They're all sat on a plane, staring.

Really? Yeah.

What does that mean?

OK, here's a clip of a group of kids on TV in Ireland back in September.

All I want to know is, what are they talking about?

It was just crazy.

I don't think anybody in the cabin expected it.

Anybody in the world expected it.

So we made it for Cruinniu na nOg,

but we put it up online and somehow it blew up.

Brilliant. OK. You ready for answers?

Yeah. All right, OK.

So we asked you what dating trend had people looking

for not necessarily conventionally handsome boyfriends

with svelte bodies and angular features. What did you think?

Rodent man.

Yeah, man.

You sound like a nun having road rage.

Yeah. Rodent man!

The Marvel universe has gone too far this time.

What do you think it was, Maisie, Chris?

We put Rodent Boy/Sexy Rat Boy.

Yeah, that's what I...

It's called Hot Rodent, officially.

And it is these men who have tiny, beady little eyes,

angular features, ears protruding a lot of the time,

but somehow they're sexy. I don't get it.

OK, so I think points all round for Rodent Boy. Thank you.

I asked you how this woman responded to the question,

what's one move in bed that makes a man go crazy every time?

What did you all put?

I don't even know what either of these terms denote.

Where have you been, Richard, this year? Where have you been?

I've been revisiting early 1950s British noir.

Well, this happens quite a lot in noir movies. Yeah.

I reckon Richard's a good cryptic crossword.

Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.

At least allow some dignity in the affairs.

I did answer the question.

So a stranger in the street asked her how to make

a man go crazy, and she said,

in an adorable Southern accent,

You gotta spit on that thang, give him a hawk tuah."

And everybody loved it. Let's take a look.

What's one move in bed that makes a man go crazy every time?

Oh, you gotta give him that hawk tuah

and spit on that thang, you get me?

And now she's a captain of industry.

I call it the Katherine Ryan story. OK.

Richard, just out of interest, what is your go-to move in bed?

What do you mean, out of interest?

Out of interest.

Rob, what's your move in the bedroom? Just try everything,

throw the kitchen sink at it and hope for the best.

And if something's not working, don't get down,

or maybe get down, see what you need to do.

But just keep morale up, keep going,

and everyone's trying to aim for the same thing.

Keep morale up?

Yeah. Because sometimes... Morale!

He makes it sound like he's going to bring Vera Lynn in.

No, come on. I didn't say that.

# We'll meet again. #

I asked you what travel trend these people were taking part in.

What did you put?

Well, it sort of carries on from the last conversation, raw dogging.

Well, sometimes that can help with not letting morale down.

Yeah, exactly. Did you all get this?

Well, yeah. This is going on a flight, no devices,

no entertainment, just staring at the map. It's all bollocks.

It's just for an Instagram photo and then they all put the telly on.

Yeah.

I asked you what a group of kids were talking about on Irish TV.

What did you put? Oh, Chris knew this.

He said rap song called The Spark.

OK, what did you put, Rob, Judi?

Viral rap.

OK, and you've got... Richard got this one.

Junior production of Waiting For Godot.

I'm working a different room here.

I'm tempted to give it to you because it's so close.

Let's take a look.

# Think you can stop what we do? I doubt it

# We got the energy, we'll tell you all about it

# I searched for my spark and I found it

# Everybody in the crowd, start bouncing... #

APPLAUSE

It's a bop.

OK, so all comes down to this, the big question,

and to ask it, the stars from one of this year's biggest TV hits,

Please welcome Electro, Phantom and Diamond from Gladiators.

APPLAUSE

OK.

I don't know where to look, genuinely.

Jimmy, they could knock you out.

They could knock me out? Oh, you're having a laugh,

Do you want tickets to the gun show?

A gun show? I don't know, Electro was saying...

Where are the guns? Yeah, we don't think you've been gym

a day in your life. What?

Wow, Jimmy, don't.

I am Jim.

Jimmy, you look like you've been fucking laminated.

Now, you've been on Celebrity Gladiators. Yes.

What was your gladiator name?

The Beaver.

The crowd, it's all kids, isn't it?

They all started chanting, Beaver, Beaver.

And they're all, because he's in Sheffield,

they're all like Northern kids, they're all going,

"Come on, The Beaver."

Gladiator names, what would you have?

I'd be called Spice.

Yeah.

Like the drug?

Maisie?

I've got my glitters on today, so maybe, singing off your hymn sheet,

I'd go a little bit... I'd go Glitterous.

Also, it'll be hard to find you, won't it,

when they're playing a game?

For you, Rob.

I feel like we're not...

Like, talking man-to-man, like, you know?

Man-to-man? Yeah, what do you press?

How much do you weigh? 65 kilograms.

Could you pick Jimmy up?

100%.

We can do that, we can try and get you...

All right, if I. Don't be scared, mate.

I feel slightly... Go on, gang. Snap him.

What do you mean, snap him? Ready? Yeah, go on. Pick me up.

Cool. Oh, there we go.

Cool. There we go. All right.

APPLAUSE

Actually, if you're interested, this is how I come in the box.

Hang on. Oh, Jesus. All right.

OK, so you've got a question. What's the...?

The fluid is draining away from the hair. You need to hurry up.

OK, cool.

What was the most watched single sporting event of 2024 in the UK?

Well, it'll be this after it goes out. All right, second question.

What film had the biggest weekend opening at the UK box office? OK.

And who was the most streamed artist on Spotify in the UK?

OK, so most streamed artist,

biggest box office weekend for a movie,

and...whatever the other one was. I'm having a lovely time.

Sporting event.

Most watched single sporting event. OK, and then for the...

OK, if they've got answers,

can you turn me round so I can see them a bit better?

Whoa, whoa. What's going on?

I didn't think you could look more less human.

OK, have you got your answers? Let's get your answers.

Yep. Maisie, Chris, what have you got?

Oh, our screen's frozen, but we... OK.

Euros final for the first one, Wicked for the second,

and then Ed Sheeran for the last.

OK. What have you gone for, Rob, Judi?

Euro final, Wicked and Taylor Swift.

And what have you gone for?

Was there football this year?

Euros finale, Wicked and Taylor Swift.

OK, I can tell you it is Euros final, Wicked and Taylor Swift.

APPLAUSE

Legs first. Oh, my God.

Right, let's see what that's done to the final scores.

OK, that means... Oh, my God, there is no justice in this world.

In last place, even though they, I think, did the best,

Maisie and Chris with 40.

I can't believe that. Cannot believe that.

In second place, they barely took any interest,

with 41 points, Richard and Katherine.

This year is mental. The Big Fat Quiz winners,

Rob Beckett and Judi Love.

APPLAUSE

That's it for The Big Fat Quiz.

A big thank you to our brilliant panel, our special guests,

and thank you all for watching. Goodnight!

APPLAUSE