Original subtitles

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♪ One, two, three, four! ♪

♪ ["69 Blues" by the BoDeans] ♪

♪ [rockin' road trip music] ♪

♪ Read your letter in the mail today ♪

♪ Made me feel better than yesterday ♪

♪ Promise that you love me ♪

♪ Told me that you'd stay ♪

♪ Baby, baby, then you went away ♪

♪ Little girl, you drive me crazy ♪

♪ Loneliness on the rise ♪

-[Joe] Take it easy.

♪ Find some way ♪

-[Jake] How could you do this to me?

-Jake, I didn't mean to mislead you,

but it was only a couple of dates!

-Yah?

Maybe that's all it was to you.

-[man groans] Ugh! -[woman exclaims] Oh!

-I am so glad that it's you she's with, you shit.

You're not so tough when you're not on stage, are ya?

Let's see how funny ya are

when I dump you in Green Bay with a big rock attached to ya.

So long, Mr. Microphone.

♪ ♪

-Man, [laughs lightly] some people have no sense of humor.

As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a comic.

I did my first open mic when I was 18.

I got to be a pretty big fish...

...in Chicago.

When I first got to L.A.,

everybody said I was the next big thing.

I actually believed them.

Ten years later,

I'm still paying my dues.

Thank you... -[MC] Joe Keegan right there!

-It's not like I didn't have my opportunities.

But somehow, I managed to blow 'em all.

There was the time I auditioned for the Letterman people,

and it was going great.

Till the FBI broke in and busted a guy

who was on "America's Most Wanted" the night before.

I don't know why you'd sit in the front row at a comedy club

after you're on "America's Most Wanted,"

but maybe he doesn't watch TV.

See, here's what happens.

Every comic that's worth his salt

wants to get up in front of these guys,

the network executives that can change your life,

make you the next Jerry Seinfeld or Chris Rock.

Talk about pressure.

It's enough to make you your own worst enemy.

Unless you're a total hack,

who's been doing the same material for ten years.

-[Higgins] See, as comedians,

we think differently than you folks do.

That's our job.

A good example of that: a couple of weeks back,

my girlfriend sends me out to pick her up some pads...

[audience member groans]

...with wings. [laughter]

I said, "Baby, wings?

What are you gonna do, fly away on me?"

I'll tell you what though, folks.

If we ain't having sex, she might as well take off.

-[laughter, applause, "Whoo!"] -C'mon, who's with me on this?!

All right, folks, let's bring up your next act.

The next gentleman coming to the stage

is a funny man who has been trying

to get on network television for quite a long time now.

And let me just say, on a personal note,

Higgins is pulling for this kid.

Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand, if you would,

for Mr. Joe Keegan.

Joseph! [applause]

Come on, folks! Let's hear it.

[swanky synthesizer music]

Try not to suck.

-Thanks a lot, folks.

How about another hand for Higgins?

One more time for Higgins!

[applause]

All right. Well, it's good to be here.

I actually just literally flew back into town like 2 hours ago.

Let me just say,

there are some snotty people flying the airlines these days.

I'm sitting there on the plane, I pull out my computer,

the guy next to me gets all pissy.

I'm like, "Excuse me.

Sorry I can't afford a laptop." [laughter]

-I guess that joke's only for people that fly a lot.

-Yeah, or people with a good sense of humor.

[laughter]

I'll tell you another thing that really burns me up, folks,

public breastfeeding,

not so much when the women do it. [audience laughs]

-I breastfed all of my kids!

Ya got something against breastfeeding?

[knock over her glass] -I like it.

I just think ideally the blood alcohol level

should be a little lower than yours.

-[Man] You're calling my mom a drunk?

-[Joe] Your mom?

-[Man] You're saying she's a drunk?!

-No, I'm not.

I think she's the sober one. [isolated laughter]

My name is Joe Keegan.

-Ugh!

[phone ringing, car alarm blaring]

-[answering machine] Hey, it's Joe, thanks for calling.

[beep]

-Hey, it's me again.

Come on, Keegan!

Hey, if you've got auditions,

it's no reason to give up the lifestyle.

Hey, last night, me and Higgins dined and dashed.

You think your friends back in Chicago sitting behind desks

are doing that type of shit?

I doubt it.

All right, enough's enough, Keegan.

Answer the phone. [car horn beeps]

Pick up the fucking phone!

-Hello?

-I just got us an audition for The Tonight Show.

Let's get some food.

I'll give you all the details.

[cars honking]

-Okay, so I've worked this room before.

You know, it's a roadside bar.

They've got comedy on the weekends.

You know the drill.

They love me there.

The crowds are great.

It's practically a done deal.

-Why is Harvey Skorik auditioning people in some bar?

-He's not really auditioning people.

It's in his hometown.

See, he and the bar owner, Ralphy,

they went to high school together.

He goes back there every year on this particular weekend

for Rocktoberfest.

-Rocktoberfest? [laughs] -Mm-hmm.

-Where is this place? -It's in Wisconsin.

[laughs dismissively] What?

Did I not mention that? I could swear I did.

Anyway, the shows start Thursday night,

so we'd have to leave, like, right after dinner.

-You're gonna drive 2,000 miles in the off chance

that Harvey Skorik will be at your show Saturday night?

-He's been there every year for the last eight years.

-That's a long way to drive for a "We should stay in touch."

-All right, Joe, listen to me.

Even if I would get from Harvey Skorik

a "We should stay in touch," it's still worth it.

You've gotta get out of town.

You're gonna get back on the road.

♪ Come on, Joe! ♪ ♪ You got to go! ♪

♪ I say, come on, Joe! ♪ ♪ Go, my friend ♪

♪ You're my friend, Joe! ♪ ♪ You got to go, go, go! ♪

♪ Gotta go, Joe, Joe! ♪ ♪ Joe, you got to go! ♪

♪ Come on, Joe ♪ ♪ Go, Joe...! ♪

-All right, I will. -Ah, that's my boy!

-Get it up! Ahh!

-I don't know how we're going to do this.

We're both broke.

-Get the car. I'll meet you out back.

[whispers] Go.

[police siren in background]

♪ ♪

-Has Harvey Skorik ever booked anyone he's seen at...?

-Ralphy's -Ralphy's?

-Fucking A, Troy Brennan got it the first year they did it.

Nobody's gotten it since

because for the past seven years Higgins has been doing it.

-So, why isn't Higgins there this year?

-He was supposed to, but he had to cancel last minute.

He just got an unlimited run in Vegas.

-A cable dating show host who does horrible impressions

got an unlimited run in Vegas?

-What do you want, dude, it's Vegas.

Anyway, it's actually a good thing

'cause I just talked to him

and he said we can crash in his room tonight.

-Dude, I'd really rather not. -Come on, we got a late start.

We gotta stop somewhere.

It'll save us some money.

-Just drive as far as we can, and we'll sleep at a rest area.

-Why don't we sleep in a bathhouse with our mouths open?

No thanks, Keegan. -Fine, We'll stay with Higgins.

-You know, when I first started,

we all thought that you were the guy

that was going to have his own sitcom in no time.

You know?

I swear, to this day, none of us can figure it out.

-How often do you guys talk about it?

-Not that often.

A couple times a week. -Shit, man!

-You could still get your own show.

-Nah, not unless I get some crazy hook.

-You really need to start enjoying this shit again.

You know, I mean, you need to

recapture the enthusiasm that you had when we started.

-How am I supposed to do that?

-I don't know.

Maybe you could pull your head out of your ass.

♪["Wild World" by the BoDeans]♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's a wild world ♪

♪ People change their plans ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ ♪

[knocks on door]

-I don't hear anything.

[knocks]

-Hey, Higgs!

-Hey, what's up, faggots? -Sorry we're late, man.

-Yeah, I waited as long as I could, and when you didn't show,

I decided to throw one into Tonya.

We just hit the sheets, so, uh,

I'm gonna need a couple of minutes, all right?

So, uh, why don't you guys hit the buffet, or something?

-Great. -Yeah, all right, well...

-How's the nose, Keegan?

-It's fine.

I could smell you from the lobby.

-Hey, I'm just fucking with ya! Huh?

Come on, have a good time.

Go down, hit the buffet or something.

Come back in a few, all right?

-Why aren't we eating at the buffet?

-It's a matter of principle.

You know what kind of people eat at buffets?

-I know what kind of people should.

♪ ♪

-Hey, Chicago elite.

-So, what's this all-- -Take it out.

[retainer clicks in case] Aw, Jesus Christ!

-Lou, please tell me I'm going home.

-Close to home.

I need you to go to Wisconsin.

-For what?

-A real pain in the ass.

The guy's giving me an ulcer.

He's about to have a hell of a surprise.

-Who is this guy?

-He's a snake we put in business up there in Green Bay,

and now he's skimming money from us.

It's gonna be tough getting to him

'cause he's surrounded by his num-nut henchmen 24/7.

He calls himself "the Godfather of Green Bay."

[laughs] Yeah. -Done.

I tell ya, I can't wait to get out on the open road.

I just got a new SUV.

-Should we get some snapper before we hit the rack?

-No way. I'm crashing.

And so are you.

I'm not hanging out with Higgins by myself.

-Come on, man.

These girls are ready to play.

You don't go out wearing a top like that

and not want it to be on the floor at the end of the night.

Come on, man, I need this.

You can even have the hottie.

-Nah, she looks like a vegetarian.

-You're unbelievable, you know?

When's the last time you saw a naked woman?

-All right, let's go.

I'm sure Higgins was done a long time ago.

-All right.

If we're not going to get laid, can we at least dine and dash?

You gotta give me that.

Just pull the car around and put your ass in shotgun.

♪ ♪

[bathroom door squeaks open]

-Hey, how you doing?

-Good. -Good.

[laughs devilishly]

[tires screech]

-Agh!

-Jesus! Shit, what do we do?!

-See if he's okay!

-What about the check? -Ugh...!

Fuck!

[car horn]

-Hey!

-What the hell? [gunshot]

-Oh, shit, he's shooting at us. -C'mon!

Shit, shit! -C'mon, c'mon, go!

[tires squeal] [engine revs]

-Go! Shit, go!

[gunshots]

[panting, breathing quickly]

-Will ya stop worrying?

-Yeah, you're right, why worry?!

If he dies, we'd be tried for murder.

-He's not gonna die.

It's a Geo.

It probably gave him tennis elbow.

Besides, we tried to help him,

and he shot at us.

-Let's just get our bags and get the hell out of here.

[knocks on door]

-Hi, guys. -Hi, Tonya.

Is Higgins asleep?

-You can call it that.

♪ [suspenseful music] ♪

♪ [blaring rock and roll] ♪

♪ ["Anything Is Easy" by the BoDeans] ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo do ♪

♪ Small house, sermonizing ♪

♪ Baby, baby, it don't feel right ♪

♪ And sometimes we all feel alone ♪

♪ I get dark inside and nobody's home ♪

♪ I'm thirsty, bring on the juice ♪

♪ When it's 4 am and you need a friend ♪

♪ When you call me up baby ♪

♪ When you call me up long ♪

♪ And I bring it to you like a pretty little song ♪

♪ You just do what you wanna do ♪

♪ Be your -- and I love you ♪

♪ You just see what you wanna see ♪

♪ Everything's easy ♪

♪ You just say what you want to say ♪

♪ Speak the truth every day ♪

♪ You just be what you wanna be ♪

♪ Everything's easy ♪

[loud music continues] ♪ Na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na oh, baby, yeah ♪

[Kenny coughs and sputters]

♪ Na, na, na, na Na, na, na... ♪

[Mike Toomey comedy show on radio, Kenny snoring]

-I took my mother to a cockfight. [laugh track]

-You took your mother to a cockfight?!

-Certainly! She loves them!

-Eeeeeeyyy!!

-She bets on the biggest cock. [Kenny snores]

-The biggest cock? [canned laughter]

-Sometimes she brings her own cock.

-You're trying to tell me that your mother has a cock?

-Absolutely! [snoring in snorts]

It's the biggest cock I've ever seen! [canned laughter]

[snorts, smack]

[nasal snoring resumes]

-OKAY, okay, I happen to know your car is in the shop.

-And what of it? [high-pitched fluttering snore]

♪ [jazz lounge music] ♪

-[Jake] So, where were we?

-Uh, deer huntin'?

[sighs dramatically]

-There's just nothing like it.

Seeing the sun come up,

with snow on the ground,

smell the pine.

It's fucking beautiful.

Finally, when you see it,

there's rustling, you know?

And you hear a twig snap! [snaps fingers]

You start to get that rush,

that feeling inside that says,

"This little shit is mine!"

You've got him in your sights.

BAM! [woman gasps]

Buck shot!

Put that sucker DOWN!

Then you do the three T's.

Tag him, take him home,

and you cook that sucker.

You're not one of them vegans, are ya?

-Oh, um, no.

No, I'll eat just about anything.

-Sweet.

-Hi, Jake.

-Hey, dere.

[sighs heavily]

-You know everyone in this town?

-Oh, yeah, grew up here.

I was the best football player

in all of goddamn northeastern Wisconsin

till I blew out my knee.

-Glory days. [sighs]

-Yeah.

Well, you can't grow up in a town 15 minutes from Green Bay

and not want to play for the Packers, you know?

Big game this weekend. -Yeah.

-You're not a Bears fan, are ya?

-Well, I grew up in Chicago,

then I blew out my knee. [chuckles nervously]

-Yeah.

You know, I gotta be honest with you.

I used to hate...

Chicago people,

You know, always coming up here on vacation,

walking around like you own the place.

-Sorry.

-Looking down your fucking noses at us.

-Um... [laughs nervously]

You're not gonna fight me, are ya?

[chuckles quietly]

[Molly gasps]

[laughs nervously]

-To the Packers. -Yes.

[semi rambles past]

-What are you looking under the hood for?

We're out of gas. The gauge must be broke.

-Piece of shit! [cow moos]

We've got to be ten miles from the closest town.

What about that farm house there?

-What about it?

Do you think they gonna have gas in their house?

-Probably not,

but maybe he'd give you a lift to the gas station.

-He who, Joe? Do you know where we are?

Whoever is in that house

is probably making a lampshade out of human flesh.

Let's get this over with. -Where you goin'?

-I'm gonna to hop the fence. Quickest way.

-What about all those cows? [cows mooing]

-What about them? [cows mooing] Cows are very passive animals.

-How do you know about cows? [cowbell ringing]

-I read it. Dude, I am one with nature.

[electrical buzzing] Ahh!

Jesus!

-Are you okay?

[cows mooing]

♪ [twangy country-rock song] ♪

[mare whinnies, squeals loudly]

[stallion nickers, grunts, whinnies]

-Uh... excuse me? [stallion nickers contentedly]

[imitating a cow mooing]

[birds chirping]

-Fuck you, cows.

[playful synthesizer music]

-No fucking way!

[revolver clicks]

[tires squeal]

[gunning engine]

[siren wails]

You gotta be kidding me!

[siren continues]

[police radio chatter]

-Morning. -Morning.

-Did you get gas...?

-You drinking this morning, sir? -No, sir.

-Well, you made an unauthorized turn back there,

and you're swerving all over the place.

-Right.

I was just on my way back up here

to help these guys with car trouble.

[doors close, ignition starts]

-You want to step out of the car, please?

[gun clatters onto pavement]

-Don't move!

Get up against the car! Right now!

UP AGAINST THE CAR!

♪ [upbeat acoustic music] ♪

-No, I'm telling you, you can't do that bit.

You can't do any bit where you mention you're from Chicago.

They'll hate you.

The Bears play the Packers this weekend

and they'll be in a lather!

Trust me, these people eat, breathe, sleep Packer football.

♪ ♪

-Should I do Porno Puppets for Skorik?

-I wouldn't.

-What about "Paging Dr. Cockerson"?

-Man, it's The Tonight Show.

They'll never let you have

a huge dildo on network television.

-Yeah, alright, cool beans.

-Hey, how come you didn't bring the unicycle?

-Ah, fuck the unicycle.

I pedal around, juggle fire,

and sweat my balls off for five minutes,

and barely get a chuckle.

Maybe I should've brought it.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-Hello, dere.

-No, this year I'm in charge of the potato sack races.

[chuckles]

Yeah, apparently, I'm not suited to do the egg toss.

[door closes] Okay.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow, bye.

[hangs up receiver]

[speaks to self inaudibly]

Oh, hey!

Let me guess.

The comics.

-Oh, is it that obvious?

[Kenny laughs, clerk inhales audibly]

I'm gonna need a smokin' room, sweets.

-Okay, let me see. -And by the way,

you are welcome to come visit any time this weekend.

It'll be our little secret.

I won't tell your boss. -Really?

Well, that's a very tempting offer.

Can I have a couple days to think about it?

-Well, don't take too long

because we're gonna be out of here in just--

Oh, I get it.

We're only gonna be here a couple days.

She's good, Joe.

-And for the record, I am the boss.

Here, why don't you sign right here?

-I'm Joe Keegan. -Hi.

-Joe Keegan? -You remember me?

-Oh, my gosh, yes! Of course, I do.

Shurz High School, Chicago.

That was my first year of teaching.

-Right.

-Get out of here, you guys know each other?

-She was my English teacher senior year.

There are four kinds of people in the world:

Those who are written about, those who write,

and those who read.

Make sure you're part of one of these groups

because everybody else is just going through the motions.

-Wow, I didn't think anyone was listening.

-I'm Kenny Caruso, the headliner.

-Hey.

[speaking breathily] Wow, Joe Keegan.

-It's so good to see you. -You, too.

-That is great.

-You, in the blue, Let's go.

-Gentlemen...

Keep in touch.

[police radio chatter in background]

Don't be afraid to do some real police work.

Fellas, how are ya?

Lou, I talked to the farmer,

and he said those two guys are going to Wisconsin.

What the fuck is going on here?

-Forget about it!

You don't even know it's the same car that ran ya down.

Did you get a plate number?

-Plate number?!?

Lou, the car had bullet holes in it!

It's the same Geo.

-Fuck the Geo!

And fuck the farmer!

Look, I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.

Will you just get your ass to Wisconsin?

[horse whinnies]

[spraying]

-Hey, balls.

-So, we drive all the way across the country to be here,

and he can't give us our own rooms?

You said you had your own room last time you were here.

-It's Rocktoberfest.

Look, don't worry.

By the end of the week,

I'll be crashing at your teacher's place.

-She is gorgeous, isn't she?

-Dude, total blow job lips.

The teachers in my school had pantsuits and big knuckles.

-I just went to invite her to a show, but she wasn't there.

-Well, you know what?

Maybe she decided that

after teaching you English 15 years ago,

it was time for her to start seeing other people.

-That's funny.

♪ [loud music] ♪

[all cheering]

-Whoo!

-Hey, baby! -Jakes!

We gonna kick some Chicago ass this weekend?

-Oh, hey, you know, we definitely gonna try, man

You lookin' good. How's it hanging?

-Long, loose, and full of juice, baby. [Packer laughs]

-I'll see you Sunday. -Sunday, all right, man.

-Get the fuck out of my seat!

[sighs]

-Listen, I really want to--

-He's a Packer.

I'm tight with most of 'em.

You know, I still got an extra ticket

if you want to go to the game on Sunday.

-No, thank you.

-I wish you coulda seen me play.

I was the best in all of Northeastern Wisconsin.

-I heard.

-[yelling] Are we gonna kick some Chicago ass?!?

-Bears suck! Bears suck!

Bears suck!! Bears suck!!

Bears suck! Bears suck!

Bears suck!!! Bears suck!!!

Bears suck! Bears suck!

-Here we are. Connections.

Look at those threads.

Ken, you didn't tell me they had a dress code.

-Relax.

[bells on door ring]

[snoring]

[door slams shut]

Ready?

♪ ♪

-You ever see two horses have sex?

-Yeah. -[Jeremy] Hey, guys.

Hey, I remember you!

-Hey, Jeremy, right? -Right, how's Higgins?

-He's doing great, man, partying hard.

He said to say 'hi.'

-That guy's out of bounds, dude. [Kenny chuckles]

Ralphy's in the office.

I'll tell him you guys are here.

-Hey, what's up? I'm DUG.

I'm the emcee.

It's spelled D-U-G. Gotta have a hook, right?

-Joe Keegan. -How long you guys been at this?

-Ten years.

-Fifteen.

[incredulous laugh] -Oh, man!

I hope it doesn't take me that long.

Oh, man, look at all these fucking rednecks, huh?

I could never live in a small town, man!

-Where do you live? -Green Bay.

How about you guys?

-L.A. now, originally Chicago.

-[yelling] Boo!!!

Bears suck! Bears suck!

The Bears are gonna die on Sunday.

The Pack's taking 'em down!

-[normal tone] Nice shirt, man. -Thanks, man.

-Oh, man, wow.

That's nice.

I'd love to have a shirt like that when I take the stage.

-Heck, you know, keep writing.

-You guys get laid a lot?

One time, I'm in this club,

I got laid.

I wasn't even in the show. [laughs]

How sweet is that?

-D-U-G, what's up?

-You party later? -You know it.

-How's your old lady? -Pfft! Oh, man, history bro.

I told her, comedy's in my blood.

I gotta get out there. I gotta be doing it, right?

Sure, I'm not going to be home as much,

but I'm going to be a better father and husband

when I am home because I'm gonna be happy, right?

She's [snaps fingers]. You know, chicks.

-We might hit a titty bar later.

You guys should come with us.

-Hey, check it out, check it out, check it out.

Take this.

It's a known fact.

Boom.

Strippers think you've got cocaine.

-No. -Yeah.

-Cool. -Cool, very cool.

-I've gotta drain the main vein, see ya.

-'Kay.

-He just started doing comedy like six months ago.

That dude kicks ass.

-[Ralphy] Kenny Caruso! -Hey!

-How's she goin' there, Ken-bo?

-Ralphy, how ya doin'?

Hey, have you lost weight? -Yeah, about 100 pounds.

Never felt better.

Good to see ya, buddy.

-Yeah, good to see you, too.

This is my good friend, Joe Keegan.

-How's she goin', there?

I've heard good things about ya.

-It's nice to meet you, Ralph.

-Hey, a smaller crowd tonight.

But wait till the weekend.

Rocktoberfest is when all the great looking clam comes out.

Hey, there he is!

Puke last night?

-Ha-ha, nope, held 'er down.

-Hey, Rat. -Hey, dere, Ken!

Ah!

-Hello, dere! -Hey.

-Haw, haw, aw, caw!

Ha, ha!

-Make it out this morning? -No, no.

Christ, get this.

Skeeter calls about like five-to-six,

says he's hitting the woods to bag a big one,

"Where the hell are ya?"

I says, "Christ, we're drinking till like 3:00 am,

you're still going out?"

He's like, "You're goddamn right, you pop-jag." [laughs]

I says, "I'm still half in the bag."

-You ain't been out once this year yet, then?

-No, I shoulda just-- I shoulda just went with them,

'cause, uh, I couldn't get back to bed.

You know, I mean, just threw a stiff one in the old lady--

Oh! Ha-ha! [Ralphy laughs loudly]

Then I went over to Bart Starr's restaurant

down dere in Green Bay.

Oh, Christ, I mean, you guys can keep "your big city traffic,"

but holy balls, do they put out a spread.

-Did you try that raw beef and onions they have?

-Oh, no, but they got a new special.

It's called the Spagh-omelet.

It's like half-spaghetti, half-omelet.

It's awesome.

-Hey, we gotta start 'er up.

Where's your partner?

-Caruso! -Hey! [laughter]

-How are ya? -Skeets, how ya doing?

Nice coat, man.

-Yeah, I'm breakin' her out early this year for T-Zone, man.

-T-Zone.

-Wow, T-Zone!

[laughter]

-Regular huntin' season don't start until November,

but right now, they got what's called a T-Zone, man.

There's too many of them little fuckers running around out there

so they let us out early.

-Yeah.

-So, how's that fuckshot Higgins doin', man?

-Oh, shit, he's still hungover from last time he was here.

[laughter]

-Hey, you ready, DUG? -10-4 that, chief.

-Let's start 'er up, Skeets.

Gentlemen, Rocktoberfest is officially underway!

[all hooting and hollering]

-Whoo! -Yeah!

-Fuckin' A!

[boisterous yelling]

[high-fives]

[laughter]

-This is the place we're auditioning for Harvey Skorik?

-Are you nuts?!? -See, there you go again.

Will you just relax?

Okay?

Just relax.

It's gonna be fun.

-I know it's only our second date, but I think she's the one.

-She's smokin', Jaker!

-Big Jake needs a wife.

[urinating]

All the great ones have good women behind 'em.

-She's a lucky girl.

-Yah.

You tell Hatchet I wanna be out in the woods

as early as possible.

I'm gonna bag me a big one tomorrow.

-You got it, Jaker.

-I'd like to be banging heads with them fuckin' Bears

on Sunday.

-It's a shame your fuckin' career ended when you were 15.

You fuckin' shoulda been there, Jaker.

[yelling] Fuck! [belches loudly]

Hey, Jake, speaking of Chicago, they gotta be getting pissed.

-'Chicago Lou' said that-- -Fuck 'em!

You listen to me.

I paid my dues to get where I am today.

I ain't paying any more to Chicago.

Them days are fucking over.

-Yeah, I 'spose.

[bangs into paper towel holder]

-Go play my song.

I want her to see me dance.

-So, they making sure you have everything you need?

-Yeah, yeah, everything's fine.

I just, uh... you know, I really should go.

I have to get up early.

-You sure? -Yeah.

-Go, go, go, go!

-We're on an all-night pre-huntin' bash at my place.

We're even gonna play some of my high school tapes.

-Oh. [laughs tentatively]

That sounds like a great time, but I've really gotta go.

-Yah? -Yah--

I mean, yeah.

-Come on! Come on, man!

[jukebox plays "Macarena"] -I'll see ya later.

-You can't go until you've seen me dance.

[collapses onto booth seat loudly]

["Macarena" playing loudly]

♪ Ay-oh, ay oh ♪ ♪ Ahai ahai ♪

[singer laughing]

[singer laughing]

♪ Ay-oh, ay oh ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪ [dancers clap in unison]

♪ When I dance they call me Macarena ♪

♪ And the boys they say que soy buena ♪

-[ all cheering] Jake! Jake! ♪ They all want me ♪

♪ They can't have me ♪ -[crowd] Jake! Jake! Jake...!

♪ So they all come and dance beside me ♪

Jake! Jake! Jake...! ♪ Move with me, chant with me ♪

Jake! Jake! Jake...! ♪ And if you're good ♪

♪ I'll take you home with me ♪ Jake! Jake! Jake...!

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪ [dancers clap in unison]

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa'darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey--♪

[loud rock music and cheering] -Yah, whoo!

-Ladies and gentlemen, once again...

Rocktoberfest is officially underway!

[cheering]

-Check it out. Check it out.

You gotta get shot to get some head in this bar.

[laughter]

Ooh!

[whistles from crowd]

You guys, are you together? You married?

No offense, but you have beautiful breasts.

[silence]

-And your girlfriend's good looking, too.

-[loud laughter]

Ah, did you guys hear about this?

They did a...

They did a study down there in Chicago,

and they found out that most Bear fans are gay.

-[cough, laughter] -It's true.

I want to go on record.

I don't have anything against the gays, okay?

I hope that every man in this room turns gay.

There'd be more Bears fans.

BUT MORE WOMEN FOR ME! [laughter]

Yeah!

Can D-U-G get an "Amen"?

-Amen!

-Can D-U-G get an "Amen"? -[crowd] Amen.

-All right!

I'm just trying to figure this crazy world out, you know?

Did you see this thing a couple years ago down in Milwaukee?

A guy got his pecker caught...

In a lawnmower.

[laughter]

How in the name of Vince Lombardi

do you get your pisser caught in a lawnmower,

unless you're trying to hump the goddamn thing?!

[laughter]

What's that look like?

Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom! [laughter]

Hey, baby, I see you need some gas...

[laughter and applause]

Oh, yeah.

That's kinda nice.

All right! [laughter]

Uh-oh!

Honey, it happened again!

-You're gonna be a nice contrast to D-U-G here.

They'll appreciate a more cerebral approach.

-[crowd chanting] D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G! D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G! D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G! D-U-G!

-Yeah! -D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G!

-You guys are insane.

You guys are on fire tonight.

I just want to say that this is my favorite club to perform at

in the entire country.

You're what makes this job worth doing.

God bless you.

God bless America.

Thanks for the show.

-Whoo! [applause]

-All right!

[cheers, whistles and applause]

-That's my time!

Pine Lake, you rule!

-Whoo!

[cheers and whistles]

Okay!

And speaking of gays,

our next act is a Bear fan.

-[crowd] Boo! Boo!

-But hey, in fairness, that's not what makes him gay.

[inappropriate high-pitched laugh from crowd member]

What makes it gay IS THAT HE TAKES IT IN THE ASS!

-[raucous laughter] -What the fuck?!?

[laughter continues]

[electric guitar solo]

-So please, give a big Packerland welcome

to the president of the Gay Bear Fans of America Society,

Mr. Joe Keegan!

-Boo!

[Ken is only person clapping]

-Whoo! -Boo!

-Keep it going for DUG!

-Yeah!

[cheers]

-D-U-G.

That's great.

So, I was reading in the paper,

you guys are preparing for another winter.

You had a pretty bad snowstorm here last year, I understand.

Kind of tragic, too.

It took the lives of ten people.

That's really sad, and everything,

but I'm always amazed when I hear that statistic.

How does a snowstorm take people's lives?

It's not like the snow all falls at once.

I mean, you do have ample warning there, don't ya?

I've been in snowstorms.

The first few flakes start to come down.

Hmm.

It gets up to about here,

shit, maybe time to get in the house!

Time to drop the lawn darts and go inside.

-My cousin died in a snowstorm!

[silence]

-Isn't that something? -[coughing in audience]

-All right, so I was on a farm today for the first time ever.

I had the opportunity to see two horses mating.

I didn't know this,

but apparently on the farm, this is an actual job for a guy,

is to help guide the one horse's thing into the other horse.

-[coughing in audience]

-And there's a vocational term for it, actually.

It's called 'horse cock guider.'

-It's honest work. -Huh?

-Somebody needs to do it.

-Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, buddy.

Are you sure you just don't enjoy it?

[Joe laughs derisively]

-You suck!

-Well, I'm just--

-You think you're better than me, standing up there

in a shirt with a collar?

-Uh, no, I don't, actually.

But you know what?

Maybe if you got yourself a shirt with a collar,

your job description wouldn't entail fondling an animal.

-Dick.

-Aw, come on! I'm kidding!

-Homo!

-So, anyway...

-Pussy!

-You suck!

-You guys are a lot of fun.

-[in unison] Bears suck cock!

-Big time! -Fruitcake!

-Thanks a lot. [Ralphy groans]

-DUG!

[all cheering for DUG]

[applause]

D-U-G! D-U-G! D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G! D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G!

D-U-G!

-All right, let's keep it rocking.

Let's keep it rocking.

-Maybe you are cursed.

-[DUG] Okay!

Let's keep it going for Kenny Caruso!

[applause]

[impish rollicking rock music]

-Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for something

that I like to call

[speaking in deep, formal voice] Master Puppet Theater...

-[DUG] No, no, wait!

[clobber] Ow!

No, no!

-Hello, Argyle.

How are you today?

Doing terrific...

-You slapped me!

-You smell a little funny today.

You actually smell like...

cotton balls. [laughter]

-Knock it off!

Get up!

-Hey, knock it off, you buckshots!

I wanna watch Caruso.

Knock it off.

-No problem.

-Ugh! You son of a fucking!

-Hey, hey, okay, all right.

All right.

-All right.

-Huh?

If my tooth chipped, you're paying for that, bitch.

Huh?

-You guys, maybe you should--

Hey, get a room, you two!

[laughter]

[puppet moans]

Oh, god.

Hung like a Bear... this sock. [laughter]

Hung like a sock! I know!

[crickets chirping]

-Hi, Joe.

-Hi.

-What happened? -Nothing, it's just a scratch.

Would you believe me if I told you the other guy looks worse?

-No, I wouldn't.

I remember...

you came in after lunch with a bloody nose,

and you tried that same line.

And then, a couple seconds later,

the other guy comes in

without a scratch

and starts apologizing for beating you up.

-Unfortunately, for him,

Chuck Martinelli found out

and made him wished he never touched me.

-Yikes!

-You were friends with him? -Best friends.

Rule number one, if you're a scrawny kid,

hang out with the toughest kid in school as much as possible.

-Oh, that's a good rule.

All set.

-Thank you.

So, Miss Mahoney, you wanna...

do something?

-Yeah, I'd like that.

[whispering] But you have to call me Molly.

♪ ["Don't Be Lonely" by the BoDeans] ♪

So when the year ended, I left.

When I was a kid, my family always came here in the summer,

and I loved it, so, it's where I came.

-All right, come on.

The best teacher in the world doesn't just quit her job

and leave her hometown to work at a motel in some small town.

Does she?

-Okay, Joe Keegan.

Do you remember Mr. Franks?

-Coach Franks, yeah.

-Well, I was Mrs. Franks until about three years ago.

-Whoa!

So your name is Molly Franks now?

-No, no, I changed it back after I left.

-Why'd you leave?

-Probably

because he was screwing the vice-principal.

-Mr. Edwin?!?

-No, Eileen Jacobs.

Mr. Edwin left soon after you graduated.

-That sucks, Miss Mahoney.

-Molly.

-Molly, sorry.

So, was it obvious that I had an enormous crush on you?

-I used to think maybe you did.

Then, I thought, "Well, maybe he's just attentive."

[chuckles] -Yeah, that was it.

Chuck and I used to say

the first one who saw you after high school had dibs.

["Don't Be Lonely" by the BoDeans]

♪ Don't be lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely ♪

-He showed my clip, and a studio audience went...

bananas. [woman laughs]

Even Dave Coulier was laughing.

-Oh, awesome.

-[Ralphy] Need more ice, DUG?

-It's fucking lucky he ran off so fast.

-Yeah, right!

If we hadn't pulled him off of you,

there'd be a permanent DUG-size outline on the pool table.

-No, he was just pissed because he couldn't follow me.

-He was pissed because you tried to bury him.

You don't do that!

Take enough lumps in this business

without that kind of shit.

Joe's a solid comic.

You know, the best you're going to do

with fag and football jokes is morning radio in Green Bay.

-God, that would be sweet, huh?

[Ralphy and women laugh heartily]

Okay, tell me.

You've seen me out there.

I've got the confidence.

I'm always cracking people up at the store.

What should I do?

[glasses clink]

-Be original.

You know, say something no one else has the guts to.

Be controversial.

It's the only way you're going to stand out.

-Original.

Original...

That's cool, man.

From now on, I am gonna be original.

[Ralphy tries to stifle laughter]

-Hey, Molly.

-Oh, hey. -Good night.

-Good night.

-Oh, my. [laughs] -That's what you want to see.

-Wait a second.

-Arthur? -[Arthur snores]

-[knocks] Arthur?

-[Arthur startles]

-Oh, Jesus!

-Arthur, it's me!

-Oh, sorry, Molly.

I must've dozed off.

I was trying to get my rest for tomorrow.

-That's okay.

Okay, I just wanted to say 'hi.'

-Good night.

-Arthur owns the motel where I work.

And believe it or not,

he is a better sheriff than a businessman.

It's a good thing nothing ever happens around here.

[laughs]

Cheeseburgers and hot chocolate.

I guess show business isn't all life in the fast lane, huh?

-Well, I don't know if doing your act

in front of a picture of a huge fish

can really be considered show business.

-[Molly laughs]

All right.

Good night, Joe.

-Good night, Molly.

[ignition starts]

[sly, playful action music]

[muted singing]

[phone rings]

[ringtone pulses]

- Yeah? -Hey, it's me.

Where are you?

-I hired four guys out of Green Bay.

Our boy is going to have himself a little hunting accident.

-Beauty!

Find a place to stay and I'll call you tomorrow.

-[DUG] Let's talk about political correctness.

Down in Green Bay,

[voice thick from cigarette in mouth]

they're raising their taxes

so that they can put wheelchair ramps on every sidewalk.

We've only got three cripples in the whole neighborhood.

-What the hell's this?

-I can't believe he listened to me.

I'm a prop comic.

-We're going to start making

all the movies real loud for deaf guys, huh?

-You are the greatest friend a guy could ever have.

-Make the newspaper real simple for retards.

[clink glasses]

["Small Town Ways" by the BoDeans]

♪ And all of those people make me jump back again ♪

♪ Things are mighty different here in my small town ♪

♪ It seems everywhere you look, there's people all around ♪

-[DUG] Dudes! -Hey, D-U-G.

♪ Oh, I remember one day in the factory ♪

♪ Giving up the fight for the company ♪

-So, uh, interesting shows tonight, DUG.

-Thanks, man.

-I don't know about that new thing you're doing up there.

It's Rocktoberfest.

I want people to feel like drinking and dancing,

not committin' suicide.

-It's about the truth, man.

-Well, it's gonna be about no more bookings.

♪ Don't look back no more Whoa ♪

-[Joe] Hey, don't listen to him.

I admire you, Dug.

-I don't know man, maybe he's right.

I gotta work.

-[Joe] Don't talk like that.

Look, give it time.

Bill Hicks wasn't an overnight success.

-Who the fuck is that?

-You don't know who Bill Hicks is?

-Why the fuck should I know who that is?

[Kenny exhales "oof"] -All right, who needs a shot?

[Joe chuckles]

-How's your face?

-Fine, how's yours?

-I'm all right.

Bill Hicks was a comic, a legendary comic.

-I know who he was.

-It's okay to say you don't know who Bill Hicks was.

-I know who he was! I was kidding!

-No, you weren't!

[commotion]

[glassware clinks]

-Oh, Jesus, here!

[scuffle continues] -Hey! Knock it off!

Knock it off! Hey!

I'm serious!

[tussle continues]

Jesus Christ.

Shake hands, both of ya. I'm serious.

Right now, shake hands, both of ya.

DO IT! Shake hands right now!

Geez.

Here, let's toast.

To uh Rocktoberfest!

-To Rocktoberfest.

-And Bill Hicks.

[Kenny spits out his drink]

[skirmish resumes]

-[DUG] Time, time, TIME! -Time?!

-TIME, TIME! -Who calls time?!

-Fuck you, I called time!

♪ We don't dance ♪

♪ Do ya, do ya, do ya, whoo-oo whoo-oo ♪

♪ Do ya, do ya, do ya, whoa-shake ♪

-[Kenny] I'm gonna kick so much asson The Tonight Show,

Jay's gonna ask me to do the panel, motherfucker!

-[Ralphy laughs] -Give me!

[Kenny slurring] Give it to me! -Yeah, yeah.

-[hands slap] -Yeah, well,

Harvey's gotta put you on the show first, buckshot.

[Kenny laughs mockingly] -Buckshot?

-Why are you guys always talking about The Tonight show?

-[Ralphy] Oh, Christ, you didn't tell him?

-Tell me what?

-That The Tonight Show's our favorite show.

-No, they never said a word.

[laughing conspiratorially]

♪ ♪

♪ Yay, yay ♪

-[Kenny] Fucker! Give me some!

[bellowing laugh]

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[ indistinct talking and laugher]

♪ Through the sound on the ground ♪

♪ Move it, move it ♪

♪ To the beat on the feet ♪

♪ You bet your bones gonna feel money thighs though ♪

♪ Move it, move it, now I ♪

-[Molly] Hey.

-[Ralphy] Well, if it isn't the prettiest girl in Pine Lake.

And... Janice. ♪ ["Still the Night" BoDeans] ♪

-Hi, guys. -Molly!

-I convinced my friend Janice

to come out tonight for a nightcap.

-Cool. Hey, Janice, how ya doing?

Here, have a seat.

-How do, ladies? ♪ If I could hold you tonight ♪

♪ I might never let go ♪ ♪ If I can hold you tonight ♪

-Are you okay?

-He sucker-punched me.

-How many times?

[Kenny chuckles]

-[Ralphy] Drinks on the house for this table.

-Miller Lite and a shot of Jager.

-Whoa!

-[Molly] Yeah, I'll have a Jack on the rocks.

-So, hey, Molly, how things going there with Jaker?

-Uh, it's not gonna happen, but thanks for asking.

-Sorry to hear that.

Well, back to work.

-[Janice] Just 'cause she hasn't dated in a long time.

I told her she's nuts.

Big Jake Norquist is a hunk.

I dated him in high school.

They should call him "Huge Jake Norquist,"

if you know what I mean. [laughter]

Compared to Art, he's a stud.

-[DUG] Wait, Big Jake Norquist?

-I know, I know.

Best goddamn football player

in all of northeastern Wisconsin.

-I don't know about that,

but he's also like the biggest drug dealer in the entire state.

-What?

-Oh, yeah, he's the Godfather of Green Bay.

He's a bad guy.

♪ I might never, no never let go ♪

[DUG snorts] [audience sings along] ♪ Whoa ♪

[uncomfortable laughs]

-Uh, Ralphy fixed me up with a drug dealer?

-Oh, I doubt he even knows it.

He owns a consulting business to look legit.

-Big Jake a drug dealer?

No way! He's a sweetie.

-[Big Jake snorting]

[roaring in Jake's ears] Ah!

♪ ["Macarena"] ♪ [lip smacking sounds]

♪ ♪ [yells] Yaaaaahhhh!

Whoo! ♪ ♪

-Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

♪ When I dance they call me Macarena ♪

Jake! Jake! Jake!

♪ And the boys they say que soy buena ♪

Jake! Jake! Jake!

♪ They all want me They can't have me ♪

♪ So they all come and dance beside me ♪

Jake! Jake! Jake! ♪ Move with me, chant with me ♪

♪ And if you're good, I'll take you home with me ♪

Jake! Jake!

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ But don't you worry about my boyfriend ♪

♪ He's a boy who's name is Victorino ♪

♪ I don't want him ♪

♪ Couldn't stand him ♪

♪ He was no good so I ♪

[wicked laughter]

♪ ["Me Oh My" by the BoDeans] ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Say... Doo doo doo doo du doo ♪

-[Kenny] Hey, Rat! [laughs] ♪ Doo doo doo doo du doo ♪

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love ♪

♪ Time and time again ♪

-[Kenny gasps with laughter]

♪ I've seen the people trying to play it cool ♪

♪ They falter, they fall down ♪

♪ And forget that golden rule ♪

[Kenny] See, that's a real man, he knows what he's doing.

♪ Are you hearing what they're saying ♪

Say, hey, Molly, you need a real man.

You need a guy who knows what he's doing.

'Cuz old Joe here, he hasn't been with a woman

in so long he wouldn't know what to do.

-Really? -You know what?

I don't think anybody's really interested.

-[Kenny] In fact, the last girl that Joe dated

left him for Chachi.

[everyone laughing]

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love Two people in the name of love♪

-Wait! The Chachi?

-She didn't leave me for Chachi. She met him after.

-[Janice] Wait. Scott Baio from Happy Days?

-[Kenny] That's the one, "Wah, wah, wah."

-Oh, god, man.

If I was dating a girl and then she started dating Chachi.

Man, that's awesome.

It's like, that must mean that I'm on the right track, ya know?

I must be a contender.

-What I wouldn't do to get with Scott Baio.

[slurps down drink]

[laughter]

♪ Are you hearing what they're saying ♪

♪ See the game they're ♪ [music fades out]

-You guys need another round?

-[Molly] Fuck, yeah, it's Rocktoberfest!

-All right.

[laughs]

-You must think I'm such a weirdo.

I mean,

I date drug dealers.

I am a college-educated desk attendant at a dumpy motel.

[Joe laughs]

And I get drunk with former students.

-Cool. [both laugh]

-I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

Last night was really fun.

-Hey, uh, wanna dance?

-Hey, take a hike, will ya?

Huh, will ya please?

Thank you, bud.

♪ ♪

♪["Beaujolais" by the BoDeans]♪

♪ Well, the night's comin' on ♪

Would you like to dance, Mrs. Mahoney?

♪ Like a soulful song ♪

-I would love to dance with you, Joe.

♪ A tuned-down melody ♪

♪ Broken hearts, corner bar ♪

♪ Wonderin' where you are ♪

♪ Soakin' dreams and old memories ♪

♪ Well, you begged me to stay ♪

♪ Still, I ran away ♪

♪ Too young, too foolish to see ♪

♪ There ain't very much ♪

♪ More than a touch ♪

♪ Of the love that you gave to me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So, you bring on the night ♪ [Janice sighs disappointedly]

♪ Baby, I'll be all right ♪

♪ I promise not to feel no pain ♪

♪ No, I won't say a word ♪ [Janice slurps beer]

♪ Of the lessons I learned ♪

♪ Beaujolais in the September rain ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Beaujolais oh ♪ ♪ Beaujolais oh ♪

-Can I touch your boobs?

♪ Beaujolais in the September rain ♪

♪ I'm lost thinking of our one night of love ♪

[DUG sighs loudly]

♪ Beaujolais in the September rain ♪

♪ [humming melody] ♪

[DUG sighs]

[Janice glugs down a drink]

[Janice exhales]

-Okay.

[lips smacking]

[table wobbles]

[crickets chirping]

[engine quiets]

-Nice place.

-Thanks.

-Lot of crickets.

-Yeah.

-Joey...

-Yeah?

♪ ♪

[lips smacking]

[fire crackling]

-It's hot! Don't burn yourself.

-These your kitchen boots?

[laughing] -Yes, the floor is cold.

-How many comics who come through here hit on you?

-Hmm, almost all of the men, and um...

and three women.

[laughs]

-Really?

-Mm-hmm.

There was one guy I liked, though.

Higgins.

-What?!? -[Molly speaks tenderly] Yeah.

-Are you serious?!?

Higgins?!?

-[Joe shouting] Oh, my god!

[Joe groans] Oh!

Oh, my god!

Higgins?!?

-[Molly chuckles] Wait.

Kenny told me to tell you that.

[both laughing] -You are so dead!

[laughs] You are so dead!

[Molly giggles]

[smooching]

-Payback's a bitch, huh?

-That's right. [Molly laughs]

-Okay, now...

Okay.

I have a question.

Why in the world did you want to become a comic?

-Feet.

-Feet?

-Feet.

[Joe laughs]

When I was a kid, I worked at my dad's shoe store.

And I realized at a young age

that I wanted no part of the 'foot' business.

-Mmm.

So, the foot business is the opposite of stand-up comedy?

-When I was 18, it was.

Next door to my dad's place,

there was this comedy club.

He knew the owners,

so he let me hang out there whenever I wanted to.

I spent so much time in there

watching the comics,

I couldn't get enough of it.

-And now you have a shot

at The Tonight Show.

Your path to fame

starts in Pine Lake.

-I don't care about fame anymore.

-What do you care about?

-Validation.

I wanna know that

sitting in smokey comedy clubs for the last 15 years,

drinking Jack Daniels,

can lead to good things.

[sighs]

-Hmm.

Mmm.

It led to good things tonight.

♪ ♪

♪ ["Chief O'Neill's Favorite" traditional Celtic hornpipes] ♪

♪ [classic Celtic dance featuring violin] ♪

♪ ["King of the Fairies"] ♪

♪ [brisk, swingy Celtic dance music] ♪

[jig fades out]

-Why, you fucker!

[grunting]

[bodily noises]

[exhales audibly]

-Oh, son of a bitch.

-Ugh!

-Oh, yeah.

You're going down, you little cocksucker.

[thwump]

[collapses]

[opens beer can]

[swigs beer]

[loud footsteps crunching on terrain]

-Hey! HEY!

You're scaring the damn deer away,assholes!

[rustling in background]

♪ Aaii-y ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena! ♪

[numerous gunshots ring out]

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

[gunfire continues] ♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

[gunshots]

[bullets flying]

-Hey! Where are you guys?!

They're shooting at me!

["Macarena" and gunshots continue]

Ahhh!

♪ ["Macarena"] ♪

[grunts] Huh.

[gunshots] ♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

[gunfire continues] ♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪ ♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

[vehicle approaching]

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

GO! Go, go, go, go, go, go!!!

[engine revs, accelerates]

[phone rings]

-Mr. Slugs? Yeah, Big Jake got away.

I don't know what happened.

We were shooting, and...

Yeah, what do you want us to do?

-Nothing. [snaps phone shut]

[sighs with exasperation]

[Packers game on TV in background]

Shit!

-I say you get the frick out of town, Jaker!

You know how these things work.

Somebody else will be coming right after 'em.

-Yeah, they got to ya in the woods.

And they'll probably come after you

tomorrow at Lambeau at the game.

Let's not make it easy on these I-talian fuckers!

-Fuck yeah, Jake.

Be smart now and live to fight another day.

We'll hold down the fort here.

Go see that new woman of yours and get the hell out of dodge.

We all talked about it, and we insist.

♪ ["The Godfather Waltz"] ♪

-Yah.

[clicks gun clip into place]

[garage door opens]

[engine starts]

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪ ♪ Aa-iiy ♪

[starting ignition]

[engine starts]

♪ ["We Can Live" BoDeans] ♪ ♪ Now where will you go? ♪

♪ ♪

-Is he here? -I don't know.

I can't really remember what he looks like.

-Hey, you guys the comedians?

Oh, great. I know Ralphy.

-I hate to be rude,

but we've got a show to do in a few minutes.

We're both trying to prepare, so, you know.

-Oh, sorry to bother you.

Maybe we can get a beer later, huh?

-Yeah. [smacks Kenny's shoulder]

[laughs]

-[Man] Hey! -[Ralphy] Hey!

-Did you meet the guys, Harv? -Yeah, yeah, um...

I'll see you at the table, huh? -Okay, see you there.

[both laughing]

I told he'd come, didn't I, or no?

[Kenny sighs in defeat]

[Ralphy claps hands] We're gonna start 'er up, guys.

Good luck!

-[Kenny speaks faintly] Thanks, Ralph.

That was him?! -Now, wait a minute...

-Shhhhiiiiit! SHIT!

Shit... Shit!

[gulps drink] -[Joe] Come on!

♪ ♪

-Hello, there, boys.

-Whoa-oh, Jaker!

-Jaker! -Ain't this a surprise!

-Hi, Ralphy.

Well, look who's here.

[laughs]

-Well, if it ain't the best goddamn football player

in all of northeast Wisconsin.

How ya doing there, Jaker?

-Don't he sound like a California son of a bitch?

[all laugh] I'm great.

How's tricks, Harv?

-I ain't never missed a Rocktoberfest.

I'm not gonna start now.

-Yeah, right, yah!

-How's the consultant business?

-Oh, it couldn't be better.

Making tons of money, and getting shitloads of puss.

-Ah-hah! [smacking palms]

-I bet I'm doing better than you, Mr. Hollywood.

-Here you go, boys. -Oh, thanks, Lori.

-Thanks.

-[Jake] Lori!

-Gentlemen, to Rocktoberfest.

-Rocktoberfest! -All right!

-Rocktoberfest!

-[crowd chanting] D-U-G! D-U-G! D-U-G! D-U-G!

D-U-G! D-U-G!

-Hey Ralph, is Molly here tonight?

-Yeah, she's in the crowd somewhere.

-[DUG] How you doin'?

My name is DUG, spelled D-U-G.

[Ratboy claps excessively]

I spell my name out for you,

but not my material, so try and keep up.

[flicking lighter]

[inhales intentionally]

Let's talk about something that might make

everyone in the room a little uncomfortable.

I'm talking about rape.

[wheezy laugh]

[uncomfortable silence]

They say you're not supposed to rape anybody.

But don't animals

rape other animals every--single--day?

♪ ♪

Hey, I didn't come up here to smash watermelons, okay?

[engine racing]

♪ Shake that thing ♪

♪ ♪

[boot clicks on step]

And there wouldn't be no squirrels.

Why don't they ever talk about that?

What about when a woman rapes a man?

That's what society says. Maybe I'm wrong.

[in surly tone] I don't get to vote...

'cause I'm not registered to vote.

I'm asking you.

Fucked up, if you ask me.

I like pad ga pow.

Doesn't mean I have to like Indians.

[DUG] Okay, it's over now.

Joe Keegan, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

-Hey, thanks a lot.

How about another hand for DUG, D-U-G!

D-U-G, 'cause you gotta have a hook.

[Jeremy alone continues clapping]

Great to finally be in Wisconsin.

I just had the worst week.

I almost had my nose broken at a show.

I was really depressed driving out here...

untilI saw this billboard thatsaid,

"Need a lift? Call on Jesus."

Yeah. [audience laughs]

There was a phone number.

Like I'm gonna get right through, you know.

So I called it anyway.

And I'm ready to give this hypocrite a piece of my mind.

Twenty minutes later,

some Latino guy shows up with a tow truck!

[laughter]

Yeah, it worked out pretty well.

Not only did he fix my car, he cured my leprosy.

[laughter]

That's a great deal for $50.

[laughter]

Now, I know there's a big game this weekend.

Everybody's all excited, but you know, as far as I'm concerned--

-[Jaker heckles] Bears suck!

-Yeah, that sort of seems to be the consensus around here.

-[Jaker] You know they fucking suck!

They ain't gonna win nothin' tomorrow!

-Come on, Jake, keep it down.

-I thought he was supposed to be a professional.

-Come on, Keegan, don't fuck it up.

-Yeah, I heard you, sir.

I did hear that.

And just for the record, that was two double negatives,

which actually means the Bears ARE going to win.

So, I think if you're going to be the one to go on record,

you should at least learn the nuts and bolts of the language

to better support your hypothesis, Professor Dumb Ass!

[laughter]

-Whoa!

-Whoo-hoo!

[applause]

-That a boy, Joe.

-Shut the fuck up.

So what are you gonna do about it, dicklick?!

Eh?

[Joe laughs]

♪ ♪

Eh?!

What are you gonna do about it, dicklick?!

-Hello, boys.

Listen to me, you mutt,

this is the only time I'm gonna ask you nicely.

Shut the fuck up.

♪ ♪

-Yah?

Or what?

-Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Take 'er easy, pal.

We don't want any trouble.

Everybody, just relax, calm down.

-You tell this ape to let the man do his show,

and there won't be any trouble.

-Calm down. Both of youz guys, just relax.

We don't want any trouble.

I mean it!

-I'm going to the can.

-That's a great idea.

♪ ♪

-[Joe] Oh, going to write your number on the men's room wall?

"For a good time, DON'T NOT call dumbass, 555-..."

[laughter] [Ralphy blocks Jake]

...dumb D-U-M.

[laughter]

Hey, you guys have been great.

Thanks a lot...

-[DUG] Okay, let's keep it going for Kenny Caruso!

-[Car radio] Pine Lake Parents Against Drugs

would like you to hear the following anti-drug statement:

Timmy got mixed up with the wrong bunch of boys.

[Arthur exhales]

♪ ♪

-So how should we play it?

-I don't know.

Don't you think, if he liked us, he'd approach us?

-Who's that? -Harvey Skorik.

-Oh, The Tonight Showguy?

-You knew he was here?

-Yeah, Jeremy told me.

-And you still did that act?!?

♪["'69 Blues" by the BoDeans]♪

-The truth is the truth, man.

-That's true!

I'm impressed, D-U-G. -I'm too nervous.

I've got to take a squirt. -I'll 10-4 that, I am there.

I've got to whiz like a chimp.

♪ Loneliness on the rise ♪

-Joe. -Hey!

-You were excellent. -Really?

-Yes.

-Hey...

Man of the hour.

How you doing? -What's your problem?

-You're good, you know that? -Thank you very much.

Thanks for saying so.

-I think we should go outside and take a little walk.

-I don't think so, thank you anyway.

-Yah, let's go.

Come on.

Friends.

Let's go out, have a little chat in the moonlight.

-Take it easy.

♪ She drives me crazy ♪

-How could you do dis to me?

-Jake, I didn't mean to mislead you,

but it was only a couple of dates.

-Yah?

Maybe that's all it was to you.

-Ugh! -Oh!

Oh, geez!

-I'm so glad it's you she's with, you little shit!

[police radio dispatch chatter]

-[Molly] What are you doing?!?

Are you out of your mind?

-Yeah, you're not so tough when you're not on stage, are ya?

Hey?

[zip]

[water running]

[Sheriff sputters, coughs]

-And Let's see how funny ya are

when I dump you in Green Bay with a big rock attached to ya.

-Dude, what's your problem?

-Sometimes it takes me a while,

especially after a big show.

-I'm sorry!

-No.

-[Arthur] Oh, shit! Shit!

-You had your chance with Big Jake.

So long, Mr. Microphone.

-Put your weapon on the ground!

Do it, boy, I'm a good shot!

-Arthur!

It's Big Jake Norquist,

the Godfather of Green Bay.

-Holy shit! No kiddin'?

I thought you looked familiar.

You were one hell of a football player.

-Yah, thanks.

-Too bad!

You picked the wrong night to break the law in my town.

Turn around and put your hands on top of your head.

[toilet flushes]

♪ Whoo-ooo, whoo ♪

♪ [chase music] ♪

-I should beat the crap out of you!

You're lucky I liked that big suspender thing

you did in there.

You know, when you did the thing with...

-Ugh!

-Oh!

Nooo!!

-I shoulda done this when you were on stage.

-Ugh!

-Hey, suck-hole, [laughs darkly] you remember me?

-Ugh!

-How you doin', Joe?

-Chuck Martinelli?

♪ [funky synthesizer music] ♪

-God, Mrs. Mahoney!

-[Molly] Ah...

Oh, hi. [gasping] -How you been?

Good to see you.

-[breathily] Yeah!

-Ugh...!

-Hey, Sheriff, keep an eye on him for me, will ya?

Come here, you.

How you been?

-Oh! -What in--

Fuck me!

-I look at the marquee and went, "No way!"

How long you been a comedian? -A long time.

-Ugh...!

-I'm not surprised.

You used to love this shit.

-Chuck, what are you doing here?

-Well I figured you needed me to save your ass again. [laughing]

-You were right.

-You uh, you gonna go for it with Mrs. Mahoney, Keegan?

[Joe and Chuck laugh] You lucky bastard.

-Ugh!

-Hey, Sheriff! Sheriff, Sheriff!

Take it easy on him, all right?

You can't bury the guy alive if he's already dead.

[laughs]

-It's okay.

I know you're not a cop.

It's cool.

You gonna give him the old acid treatment?

[Chuck scoffs]

-No, I tell you what, you take him in.

-Okie-doke!

Thanks! -What can I say?

Cops got to him first.

I'll see you around, Keegan.

-All right, Chuck, you take care.

-You ain't seen the last of Big Jake Norquist!

-[Joe] Yah?

-YAH! -Yah?

-YAH!!

-Yah...

-Uh, bye, Chuck.

-Bye, Mrs. Mahoney.

-What the fuck?

Are you okay? -[Molly] Oh!

♪ ♪

-[Kenny] You're my hero!

-Hey, there he is.

-Hey, Harvey.

-I love coming home.

Old friends, familiar places.

Hey, great show tonight.

-Thanks.

-You really handled that heckler.

I can tell you've been around for a while.

-I have.

-So,

how'd you like to come on The Tonight Show?

♪ ♪

- The Tonight Show?

- The Tonight Show.

-Hey! Dere he is!

-Ralph! [high five] -Hey!

Harv told me the news.

Congrats!

-Ralph, thank you so much!

I know you didn't even know who I was.

I can't thank you enough.

-Don't thank me. Thank Caruso.

We usually only do a two-man show here.

It was just gonna be DUG and him,

but he insisted I let you come, too.

He said, "Split the hotel, the money, whatever you gotta do,

but I ain't coming unless Joe comes with."

[crickets chirping]

-Hey, man.

-Hey.

-I got The Tonight Show.

-Well, it's about time.

-You're telling me.

You talk to Harvey?

And?

-And he said,

"It's a tough thing with the prop acts, you know."

They don't really need another one right now.

So, I guess unless something happens to Carrot Top...

[Joe laughs]

I don't know.

[train whistle, highway traffic in background]

-Ralph told me what you did, Ken.

Thank you. I owe you one.

-I didn't do anything, and you don't owe me anything, Keegan.

I needed someone to ride with.

-Well, I'm glad it was me.

-Me, too.

♪ ♪

You want to kiss me?

A little smooch? [laughs]

I need a drink.

-[DUG] Guys!

-Hey.

-I'm talking off.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

No hard feelings? -No hard feelings.

-So, I guess I'll see you guys in L.A.!

-What?

-I was schmoozing with Harvey, and he says--check it out--

he wants me to stay in touch.

I'm moving like ASAP.

The booker from The Tonight Show wants me to stay in touch, man!

[laughing with emotion]

I'll never forget this, man!

-[Kenny] D-U-G.

-I'll see you guys.

[DUG screams] The Tonight Show!

[pounds on door]

-[Skeeter] So I said, "Man, fuck that,

I drink for a living...

[women laugh hysterically]

♪ ["Fallen" by the BoDeans] ♪ ♪ I pretend I'm moving forward♪

♪ 'Cuz I'm making due ♪

♪ And I believe I've fallen, fallen ♪

♪ Fallen for you ♪

♪ 'Cuz I believe I've fallen, fallen ♪

♪ Fallen for you ♪

[applause]

♪ ["The Tonight Show" music] ♪

-Hey, you've got five minutes.

This crowd is hot.

I've got 'em all warmed up for ya.

-Yeah, they sound great.

-I'm loving this audience warm-up gig, dude.

I made like two months' rent in a week.

You're gonna kill. [gentle smack]

[knock on door] -Hey, listen, Joe.

I'm gonna have to bump you.

Higgins just got his own sitcom,

and Jay wants to keep him for another segment.

But we're gonna have you back in a month, okay?

-Wait a minute, what-- -Thanks, buddy.

[scoffs]

♪ ♪

-[Joe] I don't know, folks,

we've just got to relax, you know, this society.

There's so much hate in the world.

I don't know where it comes from, either, you know?

What the fuck are you looking at? [laughter]

There's two things I know for sure.

One, I love being a comic.

And two, paying your dues isn't so bad.

The great thing about this job is:

you can do it just about anywhere.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ["Macarena"] ♪ ♪ [woman laughing] ♪

♪ Aay-oh! ♪

♪ Aay-oh ♪ ♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Aay-oh, aay oh ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪ [woman laughing]

♪ Ay-oh ♪ [woman laughing]

♪ Ay-oh ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ When I dance they call me Macarena ♪

♪ And the boys they say que soy buena ♪

♪ They all want me ♪ ♪ They can't have me ♪

♪ So they all come and dance beside me ♪

♪ Move with me ♪ ♪ Chant with me ♪

♪ And if you're good, I'll take you home with me ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

-[Skeeter] Come on dere, people!

It's time to kick it!

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Ay-oh, ay-oh ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Come and find me, my name is Macarena ♪

♪ Always at the party con las chicas que son buena ♪

♪ Come join me, dance with me ♪

♪ And all you fellows chant along with me ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪

-Do it! [frustrated sigh] ♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Hey Macarena ♪

♪ Aa-iiy ♪

♪ ["My Oh My" by the BoDeans] ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Say... ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo du doo ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo du doo ♪

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love ♪

♪ Easy, easy, baby, now ♪

♪ I know that this could take all night ♪

♪ So let's not pretend to hide our feelings ♪

♪ It's good at night ♪

♪ Time and time again ♪

♪ I've seen all people trying to play it cool ♪

♪ They falter ♪

♪ They fall down ♪

♪ And forget that golden rule ♪

♪ Are you hearing what they're saying ♪

♪ See the game they're playing ♪

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love ♪

♪ Two people in the name of love ♪

♪ Happiness and glory ♪

♪ Sentimental story ♪

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love ♪

♪ Two people in the name of love ♪

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love ♪

♪ Two people in the name of love ♪

♪ Are you hearing what they're saying ♪

♪ See the game they're playing ♪

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love ♪

♪ Two people in the name of love ♪

♪ Are you hearing what they're saying ♪

♪ See the game they're playing ♪

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love ♪

♪ Two people in the name of love ♪

♪ Happiness and glory ♪

♪ Sentimental story ♪

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love ♪

♪ Two people in the name of love ♪

♪ Are you hearing what they're saying ♪

♪ See the game they're playing ♪

♪ My, oh my, we sure in love ♪

♪ Two people in the name of love ♪

♪ Happiness and glory ♪

♪ ["Anything Is Easy" by the BoDeans] ♪

♪ Do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do ♪

♪ Everything you do ♪

♪ Whoa now, baby, just a little longer ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, now don't you let go ♪

♪ Sometimes the love gets stronger ♪

♪ Baby, baby, you never know ♪

♪ Fever is up a little higher ♪

♪ And I bet you're burning inside ♪

♪ Will ya hold on and don't let go ♪

♪ ' Cuz everything, let me take you for a ride ♪

♪ Sometimes you gotta be ♪

♪ Stronger, baby, and see ♪

♪ Just yourself moving in line ♪

♪ Getting there in good time ♪

♪ Blue skies, baby I know ♪

♪ Hold on, baby ♪

♪ Sun shining down on you ♪

♪ And everything that you do ♪

♪ Hold on, baby ♪

♪ Livin' in a world gone crazy ♪

♪ Just do what you wanna do ♪

♪ Be what you wanna be ♪

♪ You just see what you wanna see ♪

♪ Anything is easy ♪

♪ You can say what you wanna say ♪

♪ Speak it to me every day ♪

♪ You can be what you wanna be ♪

♪ And everything is easy ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, na, na ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, oh, baby, say ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, say yeah ♪

♪ ♪