Original subtitles

Ladies, no. No running in the hallway.

What the fuck?

Kappa Girls are we! And everywhere we are!

We wear the sacred letters! K, B and R!

It's 7:45 in the morning! What is happening?

Is she in trouble or are they celebrating her?

I don't know. I'm just clapping to be safe.

Leighton Murray, you have been elected

- Kappa Social Chair for next year! - Me?

Do you accept this crucial role in our sisterhood?

I do!

The position comes with one of the absolute best rooms in the house.

I'm so excited for you to move in.

So, you're like moving to Kappa next year?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.

Let's go, ladies!

Kappa Girls are we! And everywhere we are!

We wear the sacred letters K, B and R!

Kappa Girls are we! And everywhere we are�

Wait, where's Kimberly?

I just got pulled into their group like a riptide.

All right, everyone, as you know, the year is nearing its end,

and your housing forms are due soon.

If you don't submit one, you'll have to enter the rooming lottery.

And live with the weirdos and losers no one else wants?

Oh, no, thank you. That sounds bleak as hell.

Truth.

Well, as you all heard at dawn, I'm moving into Kappa,

and I am feeling very blessed.

So please do remove me from this floor's text thread.

Damn, okay.

And for those of you who haven't figured it out yet,

I advise you to think on it.

The deadline is coming up fast.

Frude, related question,

if someone sort of destroyed their walls by putting up wallpaper using cheap glue,

will his or her or their parents be charged for that?

Most definitely.

Okay. The second related question,

does anyone here have some spackle?

Hey, can I ask you something?

Yeah, for sure. What's up?

Do you wanna room with me again next year?

Oh, my gosh, yes.

I was thinking the same thing, but I felt like a total loser for asking.

Totally. I have zero interest in moving into the Kappa house.

And I like that we already know each other's quirks.

Oh, what are my quirks?

Wait! Actually, I don't wanna know.

Okay. But sometimes you

talk to someone named Grandma Joan in your sleep.

I've heard that before. People gossiped a lot about it at camp.

Should we consider a triple and include Bela,

or doubles and just us?

- Maybe we consider both? - Sure.

- Hey, guys! - Bela.

When the door is closed, you knock.

It's the end of the year. Those rules don't apply anymore.

Look at this. I'm in a magazine and I look great.

You do.

Sitting at a piano looking like a sexy Beethoven.

I can't wait to read it,

but I got to get to class.

Fine. But, Kimberly, clear your schedule

because we're gonna pass these out to every student on campus.

How many copies did you grab?

Like, 75? Come on.

Hey, read this. I'm featured on pages 31 and 32.

Oh, and in the table of contents.

Bela, you come off amazing in this!

I know, right?

Dude, this could be, like, huge for my career.

I sent it to tina.fey at all the big emails.

I'm so happy for you.

You've been working so hard, and it's finally paying off.

Thanks, man.

Hey. Have you and Whit talked about housing stuff for next year yet?

Oh, no.

What were you thinking?

I'm gonna move off-campus with Evangeline and Jo from the comedy magazine.

Oh, okay. That makes sense.

Yeah, it's gonna be great. We're gonna live together, write together.

Maybe try drugs together.

It's gonna be like SNL from the '70s,

but, like, with way more women and non-whites.

- Okay. - We'll still hang out all the time though.

- Yeah, for sure. - Bela! This article rules.

That's so sweet.

This is Jorja.

She's one of the newer writers from the Foxy.

Hey, I'd love to send you some pieces I've been working on

- and get your thoughts on them? - I'd be happy to help.

Oh, my God, thank you. Amazing.

I'll text you later.

That was awesome!

You're like a campus celebrity.

I know, right? I kinda am.

You're more famous than that chubby squirrel we feed French fries to.

Oh, my God. I haven't seen him in a while.

Me neither.

Oh, no.

Well, then, with all due respect,

President Lacey is a giant penis who hates all women. Quote me, bitch.

We are making friends like usual, huh?

- Essex just cut our funding in half. - Seriously?

- This is gonna kill us. - Wait, why would they do that?

I don't know. Maybe because the cis white hetero male board

doesn't care about women or trans, or non-binary folk.

Why don't you take a seat, help us figure out what we can do.

No, I'm good.

I was just popping in on my way to a very important Kappa event.

Oh, something that no one has ever said in this building.

Well, I am sure you'll find your fix.

Okay? But, for the future,

why don't you just let Tova handle the calls, okay?

They are much more likable than you.

I just said that about myself.

Good news, everyone.

Guess who just made us $40

by donating blood at two different locations?

Ginger, are you okay? You look really pale.

I can't lose this place!

Okay.

Hey, when you're done with that work, can I talk to you for a sec?

Oh, this isn't work.

I'm trying to figure out what it's called when four people 69.

I think it's 138-ing.

Well, I feel kind of weird for saying this,

but I think I have feelings for a coworker.

Kimberly, I am so flattered, but I don't see you that way.

This is about Canaan.

I don't know what to do.

Obviously, I can't talk to my roommates about it

because of Whitney and him.

Listen, I totally get why you're into him.

Canaan is a hot boy with rippling muscles and two heaping scoops of ass,

but you and I both know that you can't act on this.

It could totally blow up your friend group,

your rooming situation, and your work life. It ain't worth it.

I know, but maybe he has feelings for me too.

- He does not. - How do you know?

I know his type, and you're not it.

He told me you remind him of his third grade teacher.

Maybe she was really cool.

He said she had cankles.

- Oh. Got it. - That would be you in the situation.

Yeah, I said I got it.

I'm so sorry. I feel like I shot Bambi.

But, if I were you, I would avoid him for the rest of the year and forget about it.

Yeah, I know you're right.

Listen, we all have crushes that we can't act on.

Like me and the Pepsi delivery guy.

Sure, I left him Polaroids of my tits in his truck,

but that is as far as I'll take it, because I'm a professional.

I think he can hear you.

Yeah, I want him to.

Hey, Jorge.

You're declaring your major?

Yeah. I'm officially on the biochemistry and biophysics track.

So, you're gonna do the same major as your boyfriend?

He is not my boyfriend.

But I do think I'm his girlfriend. It's bad.

Whitney! You don't like him.

You need to end this before you take 30 more classes with him

and end up marrying his ass.

I will handle it.

I'm going to talk to him today.

Great. You've only tried to break up with him

two other times before, so hopefully this one will stick.

How's everyone doing?

What the hell, Bela?

This article is entirely about you.

It literally says your name more than the name of our magazine.

How did this happen?

I'm so sorry. I have no idea.

I would have assumed he would have written about all of us.

Maybe the reporter has a crush on me or something.

Nice try. He's seeing someone,

which he told me after he rejected me brutally.

Then I have no idea how this happened. This is so strange.

It makes it look like you created the Foxy all by yourself.

Did he show this to you before he printed it?

No. If he had, I would have asked him to photoshop my boobs to look bigger.

You know what? I'll reach out to him right now

and make sure he prints a retraction.

It's fine. Let's just forget it.

I don't think I can.

In fact, you're uninvited to my half birthday party.

For those of you who are coming, I'm registered at Claire's,

and I would like it if at least one of you RSVP'd.

You can right now, vocally.

Let's just get back to work.

There she is.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Dad.

Hey, can we talk about the shirt?

Yes. I just wanted to show the world how much I support you.

That's great. It just makes it seem like you're proud to be a gay dad.

Because I am. And I just want�

That's why the barista called me Zaddy. Yes.

- Oh, sweetheart. - Hi.

- Oh, you look great. - Thanks.

And your father told me.

That I'm lesbian. Yes, I am.

I just wish you felt comfortable telling me yourself.

You are not exactly the chillest.

I seem to remember you crying when I asked to wear sneakers on vacation.

It was St. Barts.

We could have run into Lorne Michaels.

Well, I read several articles about what to say to you,

so I acknowledge your sexuality and I love you.

I love you, too.

So, are you excited to go to the Kappa Spring Festival?

Oh, honey. I have been looking forward to going to this event with you

since the moment you got in,

and I cannot wait to see which of my classmates have aged poorly.

Well, you girls have fun.

I'm off to destroy the only copy of a very hurtful op-ed I wrote in 1992.

What are you doing?

I'm sifting through a bag of beans.

Lila thinks she dropped an AirPod in here.

What happened to your shirt?

I tripped and spilled a gallon of oat milk on myself.

Oh, will I be seeing you at the Theta party tonight?

No. I don't think I can make it.

It's too bad. If you change your mind, text me.

Okay.

How do I look?

- Dry. - Right.

See ya.

- There she is! - Oh, my God. Hi.

Ready to watch me kill this presentation? Whoop!

Yeah.

Something up?

Yes. But don't worry about it.

I don't wanna throw you off. We can just talk after class.

No, let's talk about it now.

I'm not gonna be able to focus on my experiment if you don't tell me.

I think we should break up.

Shit.

Okay. It's not what I thought you were gonna say.

I'm sorry.

No, it's cool.

We're both super busy, so this is, like�

It's mutual. It's good.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Let's get in there as friends. Come on.

So, I'll keep titrating the solution until some precipitate forms,

which, according to my estimate, should�

Should�

Sorry. Lost my focus.

Dude, are you crying?

No. My eyes are just really humid right now.

Anyway, so if you'll focus on the bottom of the beaker, you'll see�

Okay. Now, yes, I am crying.

I think I need a minute alone in the hallway.

So, Ashlie, are you excited to be Kappa president next year?

Oh, my goodness, yes.

You know, I was president my senior year

and I got us a computer with the Internet on it.

Yes, you did.

Cool story, Mom.

You need to buckle up, Ashlie. You are in for a lot.

I'm on the alumni board

and every day it feels like some new crisis.

A Kappa crisis? Like what?

Did they install unflattering lighting in the bathrooms?

No. Did you hear what happened at the Syracuse chapter?

- No. - They banned the word "sisterhood."

Why would they do that?

Well, they said it's not accurate

and that some of their members aren't women.

What?

I don't know. I actually think that's a good thing,

you know, to create more inclusive language

for trans and non-binary folk.

Well, I just think if you don't see yourself as a woman,

then form your own group. Let us be sisters.

But how can they form their own clubs

with no support or funding from the school, you know?

Just to be clear,

- my best friend is a homosexual. - Ralph?

- Yes. - Love Ralph.

Isn't he funny?

Sure, I'm gay, too, but that is actually meaningless

in the context of this conversation, isn't it?

Leight, can I borrow you for a sec?

Look, I know these boomer alums aren't the most up to date on things,

but today is sort of about getting donation checks from them.

I promise it's not worth engaging.

Right. But if we don't engage with them, then who is going to?

Maybe you should go talk to somebody else.

Oh, Zoe, I don't mean to rub it in,

but you really missed out on not going to that Econ banquet with Canaan.

What Econ banquet?

The one where Canaan got that award.

It was so fun, and the food was so good.

I loaded up on soup, and then I realized it was just the appetizer.

Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about.

Really?

He said he invited you before inviting me, and you were busy.

That definitely did not happen.

Will you excuse me a moment?

Lila, do you wanna go to that Theta party tonight?

Bitch, I've been going to go.

And I'm wearing a dress that makes my tits sing.

Thanks again for meeting up with me.

Of course. I'm happy to.

Oh, and thank you for meeting me during your final exam.

No other times worked for me.

You're just so impressive. I want to learn as much as I can from you.

So I read your packet and�

I think you should consider quitting the Foxy.

- Quit? - Jorja, I think you're cool

and smart and funny, and in that way, you really remind me of myself.

But not everyone who is cool and smart and funny

has what it takes to be a comedy writer.

Okay?

Oh, you know what I think you'd be great at?

- Advertising. - What?

I bet you could write really cute commercials

for, like, cleaning products, or, like, a clever yogurt ad.

I'm not really interested in that.

Do you seriously not have any feedback for me

on anything I wrote?

I could tell you all the things that didn't really work in here,

but I just don't think that's a good use of either of our time.

Well, at least you're honest.

Always. You got this, Jorja.

I mean, not this, but something else.

Oh, did you want me to throw this away for you?

Thank you so much for these. They're gonna do a lot of good.

Kappa kisses.

Honey, are you okay?

You've been quiet all day.

Yeah. I don't know.

I�

I don't think I want this anymore.

Oh, sweetie, what is going on?

I wanted to be in Kappa just like you,

but I don't feel like me when I'm here.

I think you've just changed, and that's okay.

I'm really sorry. I know how bad that you wanted this for me

and I just didn't want to let you down.

Oh, no, no, stop.

I just want you to be happy.

If you don't wanna be in Kappa, then don't.

Life is too short to waste on things that don't bring you happiness.

That's why we don't see Grandma anymore.

I love you, Mom.

I love you so much, Leighton.

Lovely to see you, Mimi.

Oh, always a pleasure, Mona. Kappa kisses.

What a dumb whore. Am I right?

Oh, my God.

You know, she once asked me how to spell the word "biscuit."

Mom, you are such a bitch.

Oh, my God, we would have been good friends in college.

For sure, we would have been.

Last pregame of freshman year, let's go!

I can't believe this is the last shot we'll take in this room. I could cry.

Guys, can I just say that this is the hottest we've ever looked?

I mean, Whitney, that dress.

Serving purple and serving tits?

You look like a sexy Barney.

Thank you. Thank you.

Listen, I'm single, and I'm ready to end this year with a bang.

Okay. Well, I am just excited to have fun with my girls.

Me, too.

Holy shit.

Guys, stop!

What's wrong?

- I'm getting canceled. - What?

This girl from the Foxy is blasting my ass on social media.

- I'm sure it's not that bad. - Yeah.

"Five things I learned at Essex's so-called feminist comedy magazine."

Maybe it's a nice post. She said she learned things.

"Bela Malhotra is a misogynistic comedy dictator

who hates all women, including herself."

Fuck. This is so bad.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna have to quit comedy

and become a pharmacist like all my dumb cousins.

There has to be a misunderstanding.

Yeah, I agree. I mean, you definitely don't hate yourself.

- If anything, you like yourself too much. - Exactly.

Listen, just talk to this girl tomorrow and smooth it over.

- Yeah. - You don't need to let it ruin your night.

I'm with Whitney. I mean, the girl has, like, 40 followers, okay?

Nobody will ever see that.

Yeah, you're right. All right, let's take one more shot before we go.

Yes. Thank you.

Or we could take a five-minute nap and then go.

- Are you fucking kidding me? - No!

All right.

Shit! This party is going off.

My favorite bitches!

Yeah!

Welcome to the Dare or Dare Party.

You are obligated to do the dare written on the bottom of your cup.

Oh! What kind of dares?

I've read them all. On the side of the table, they're horny.

And here, they're just plain nasty. I took one of both.

Oh.

"Smash face with a redhead."

I want that one.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Damn it, Jocelyn, I'm not gonna jiggle a stranger's tit at this party.

Twerk? I can't twerk. I wasn't allowed to dance with my bottom half growing up.

We don't actually have to do these, do we?

Oh, Jocelyn seems to think we do.

Oh, my God.

That is a lot of tongue.

I brushed my teeth so good tonight,

I am 1,000% making out with someone at this party.

Let's pick out some hotties and wingwoman each other hard.

Okay. Okay, sure. Let's see my options.

Okay. We got a guy slurping a Taco Bell fire sauce packet.

And a dude who's dancing tragically off the beat.

Yeah. I don't think any of these guys are my type.

So, what are you looking for?

I will let you know when I see it.

- Hey. - Hey!

I thought you said you weren't coming?

Turns out I am, and did.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to find a cup with a dare I actually wanna do.

This one says, "Motorboat Lila," and it has her phone number.

Yeah, she definitely wrote that one.

Can you just be a good citizen and throw it out?

Wait, what's that one?

"Kiss a stranger."

That one's not a bad one.

Well, we both know each other, so you're in the clear, sir.

Yeah.

- Yo, Canaan! - Oh!

My friends just got here, so I'm gonna�

Yeah, of course. Go.

- I'll go. All right. - Yeah.

Ginger, love that you're wearing a long coat indoors.

Thank you! It belonged to my elderly neighbor.

But I can't stay long.

I gave blood twice again this evening, so I am feeling weak.

Also, I do not like the way that guy is looking at me.

- Why don't you go sit down? - Okay.

I'll go deal with that later.

- You sure she's good? - She's fine.

So, how is Kappa?

I quit.

Oh, no. Did you find an even blonder place to live?

Wait, are you being serious?

I am. I decided I would rather spend my time at the Women's Center,

you know, with people I actually like.

If this is because you vandalized another statue and got community service,

I will find out.

Also, I have this.

Holy shit! $30,000?

My mom was gonna donate it to Kappa,

so I told her where it would do better things.

This is going to completely save us!

I am so sorry. I should not have done that.

No, no, no, no, no. You should have.

What about your girl Tatum?

I ended things with her. The night of your fundraiser, actually.

Because of how hot I looked in my Elton John costume?

You know, I still have that.

I could go get it right now.

Shut up.

Canaan, are you leaving?

Yeah. A bunch of us are headed to a party on Edgewood.

You wanna come with?

No. I'm going to stay.

Have fun.

Okay, bye.

- Bela. - Hey!

There's a couch here that they're trying to get rid of.

Should we take it for the house next year?

They call it the sperm bank, but we don't have to call it that.

That post from Jorja is so messed up.

I know. Huge overreaction, right?

Copywriters need to have a thick skin.

Look at all the stuff that happened to me at the Catullan.

Dude, we're not agreeing with you.

What happened to you at the Catullan was horrible.

And our magazine was created to be a better alternative to that toxic shit.

Don't you remember?

I mean, since you were the one who created our group.

Wait, is that what this is about?

You guys are just mad that I'm still getting too much credit in that article.

We talked to the reporter, Bela.

He showed you the article. You lied to us.

That article was one thing. That was normal, selfish Bela.

But being that brutal to Jorja, it's not okay.

And what Jorja put online about you?

I'd say it was pretty fucking well-written.

- You're fired from the Foxy. - What?

Clearly, you're the only person who lives up to your own comedy standards,

so go be funny alone.

No, please don't do this.

This is gonna make living together super awkward next year.

- We gave your room to Carla. - Wait, we did?

We did.

Fine.

Fuck!

Hey, Lila, can I ask you a question?

I'm not currently taking any questions.

My cup said I had to find 50 people to kiss

and I've only found 34.

- Oh. - Okay, 35.

Happy to help. Have you seen Canaan?

- He left a little bit ago. - Okay.

But if you see him, let him know that he's gonna open up Sips tomorrow

because I do plan on calling out sick to myself.

- Okay. - Bye, 35.

Hi, number 36.

You're cute. You like your women much, much taller than you?

Canaan!

- Hey. - Hey.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah.

Y'all go on. I'll catch up with you.

- What's up? - You lied.

I lied? About what?

Zoe. You never invited her to that event. She told me.

Why would you lie?

That's a great question.

Because that lie would make no sense.

You wanted me to go with you. You invited me first.

Fine, I did.

You trying to embarrass me or something?

So, I have some news.

Alicia and I are back together.

And, I'm not gonna lie, I am really happy about it.

Yay!

Wait, so if you're not moving into Kappa and Bela's not living off-campus anymore,

then we can all live together next year.

I mean, if you all want.

- You know what, I'm down. - What about you, Bela?

Yeah. Sorry. I'm just a little distracted this morning.

Is this still about that girl from the magazine?

Why don't you just talk to her, right?

I'm sure she would be open to hearing you out.

Yeah. Totally, I have a meeting about it at 10:15.

Great. Okay, good, I'm glad.

So, Kimberly, how was your night? Anything interesting happen?

No, not really.

You really taste the peach in this one.

- Hey! - Hey.

So, I heard Leighton turned down that room for next year?

Yeah.

I want it.

Okay. Take a seat.

I was rude and disrespectful and I feel awful about it.

I came to Essex for the Catullan.

That blew up.

I got kicked out of this new group.

No one wants to work with me.

I have a 1.8 GPA.

I broke an amazing guy's heart by being selfish.

All I want is for people to like me,

but I just keep hurting people instead�

So I'd like to transfer.