Original subtitles

Okay. So spring is officially upon us,

and I have a very important question.

Can I pull off a bucket hat?

- No. - Absolutely not.

You look like a sad penis.

Okay. Got my answer.

So, my ex, Alicia, texted me and asked to meet up,

but things have been going really well with Tatum and I don't wanna mess it up.

So, what do you think I should do?

Hello? What?

Nothing. It's just you never ask us for dating advice.

We talk like this all the time.

Right. We do, but you don't.

This is weird.

Are you sick?

I'm fine. I just wanna know what you guys think.

Someone else go first. I'm too nervous.

I think you should bring it up with Tatum and see how she reacts.

If you care about her, you shouldn't see Alicia behind her back.

- Was that okay? - Yeah, that's smart. I'll do that.

Oh, thank God.

Whitney!

- Hey. - Hey, you good?

I thought you had a class right now.

We're going on a date tonight. If that's cool with you.

You walked all the way over here to tell me we're going on a date?

Yeah. Keep up.

Okay. And where is it exactly we'd been going on this date?

A restaurant. Somewhere with good Yelp reviews.

I don't know. I'll figure that out later. Could you just please answer?

- Geez. Okay. Yes. Fine. - Great.

Is his confidence working for anyone else? Because it's really working for me.

- Yes. - I'm into it.

His BDE was off the charts.

You know who I've always thought has BDE?

Aladdin.

Whitney, does BDE really correlate to a BD,

or is the E a separate thing, without the D being B?

- What? - It was an important question,

so I will ask again.

Ugh, we need to switch up the playlist.

The music in here is stale as hell.

Get cultured, Lila.

Chopin was the Pitbull of his day, okay?

Guys, I was doing a word scramble in the school newspaper,

and guess who I saw an article about? Canaan.

Oh, my God!

Damn it, they used my high school graduation picture?

You look good!

You look like Michael B. Jordan, but nerdier!

They're giving him the Economic Department's Young Entrepreneur Award.

What? You're into business?

Then why the fuck are you so bad at the cash register?

Okay, you know what? It's not that big of a deal.

I just really don't feel the need to advertise it to the world.

Well, I just posted it on my Gram, so say that to 49 people.

Well, I guess it's out there now.

You are going to be honored at the Econ Department's annual banquet.

- That's gonna be fancy AF. Fancy and fun. - No, girl.

Yeah. Look, I don't even think I'm gonna go.

The last thing I need is a bunch of 90-year-olds

telling me how clean-cut I look.

Canaan, you have to go.

This is a huge accomplishment and you deserve recognition.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Oh, my God.

I did not know he was smart like this.

Have you ever won an award?

No. But I stole a Latin Grammy once.

Good work, ladies.

Lift that leg, Tatum.

Use that pelvic floor or lose it.

What does that even mean?

I don't know, but you should work on it.

Okay. Let's take a quick water break, guys.

Hey, do you think it's weird that we haven't talked

about our past relationships yet?

I mean, not really.

Weren't you closeted before me?

I don't need to hear about every single dude named Kyle

you reluctantly kissed to keep up appearances.

Okay, well, I only ask because my ex, Alicia, texted me.

And?

And� I don't know,

I was just wondering if you would be cool with me seeing an ex.

Leighton, of course.

I mean, do I look like a person who gets threatened?

Also, I am tight with literally every single one of my exes.

Brandi, included.

- Wait, you dated our instructor? - I did.

And, honestly, sex with her was a lot like a Pilates class.

So much counting.

My point is, I am totally cool with you seeing an ex.

- Then I will. - Cool.

Also, in the spirit of honesty, I did pay Brandi to go easy on me today.

You're doing a great job today, Leighton. Incredible core engagement.

Oh, thank you.

Ladies, I have a huge announcement.

Okay.

The Foxy is getting a featured write-up in The Essex View.

Shut up!

Are you serious? Bela, that's amazing!

I know, I know. This is gonna put us on the same level as the Catullan.

Every alumni and student reads this magazine.

That's like, God, I'm bad at math, but like a billion people at least.

Oh, my God. What caught their attention? Was it my frequent use of all caps?

Yeah. Anyway, they're sending a reporter

to our next meeting to take photos and stuff.

We should all wear matching T-shirts with our respective nicknames on them.

We have nicknames?

Yeah, I've just been waiting for an opportunity to use them.

- Belly Button, Jo Cool. - No, thank you.

- Spanky. - I like that.

- Marbles. - No. Dear God, no.

I will be curating everything for this piece, okay?

We cannot waste this opportunity.

Everybody needs to take us seriously after this.

Yeah. And on that note,

everybody please Slack me your T-shirt sizes by 6:00 a.m. tomorrow.

No, no matching shirts.

Everyone come in looking your absolute best.

Okay, Taco Bela.

Just came up with that one. So good.

This place has over 2,000 reviews on Yelp and a four and a half star average rating.

It's a culinary unicorn.

Wow. Those statistics sound delicious.

I'll start you two off with some waters

and give you a minute to look over the menu.

Actually, I've looked online, so we're ready.

I'll have the Kobe beef medallions.

I guess we're just immediately ordering.

Yeah. I will do the Caesar salad.

I didn't find it yet, but I'm sure you have one.

I'd skip the salad if I were you.

A number of reviewers called the croutons "forgettable," so�

I will take my chances.

Sorry to salad-splain.

I just wanna make sure everything about this night goes perfectly.

Yeah, I get that.

But, you know, you can relax.

I'm totally relaxed.

So, do you have any siblings?

Yes, I do.

Cool.

Excuse me. Hi.

I never do this, but could I send this water back?

- Of course. - Had kind of have a weird smell to it.

No problem.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Yes, please. I need a break.

Lila's making me stack these cups to be exactly 5'11"

so that she'll know how tall men are when they come in.

Right.

Well, I thought about what you said, and you're right,

so I'm gonna go to the Econ Banquet.

That's great.

Accepting an award in person is the right thing to do.

Unless it's the Oscars and you're a British actor

who can't make the trip. Then I get it.

Okay. Would you wanna come with?

Oh, my God! I'd be honored to be there and support you.

I am so touched you thought of me.

It's not that deep. I asked Zoe, but she's busy, so�

Okay, well, no matter.

I'm still really freaking pumped.

I don't own any formal gloves.

But, judging from the look you're giving me, I won't need them.

Yeah.

The cactus looks like a penis.

I just think it sends the wrong message for a women's center.

One, that's exclusionary territory.

And, two, succulents are inherently feminist.

They thrive in environments that are trying to kill them.

Also, I spent $20 on this and we're not throwing it away.

Can we just get an orchid to help balance it out?

You know what, I'm gonna to say it.

Orchids remind me of penises, too.

I think it's interesting that you guys can see genitals

in literally everything around you.

Leighton! Consent to hug?

Consent. Hi!

My tarot cards told me you'd be coming back.

Hey, stranger, how's it going?

Good. Good. How are you?

I'm good. I've been really busy, you know, studying, speaking truth to power,

building a little library outside the women's center.

It's a squirrel toilet now.

So, what's up? Why did you ask me to come here?

No real reason. I just thought it'd be nice to catch up.

But since you're here, do you want to help us

put together care packages for struggling trans youth?

So, you invited me here for free physical labor then?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Yeah, but it shouldn't take too long 'cause we only have like 1,200 left, so�

- Okay. - Okay.

I missed it here.

Also, is it just me, or has it gotten dirtier?

We've switched to using environmentally friendly cleaning products.

They don't work.

So, I heard you came out in, like, a really prolific way.

Who told you?

You know, just several of my friends who you hooked up with.

- Same here. - Both my friends told me.

I'm glad I could provide entertainment for you guys while I was away.

Also, I am very impressed with these care packages.

This fruit leather is expensive.

Yeah, because these kids deserve the good stuff.

But, dude, it's not cheap.

I mean, financially we're barely hanging in there.

Which is why we're throwing a fundraiser tomorrow.

It's a costume party where we are all dressing up as queer icons.

I'm either going as Rachel Maddow or the Green M&M.

I know you hate that stuff, but you should come if you want.

Sure. I'll go.

Oh, can I bring a guest? I've sort of been seeing someone.

And you're going out in public with her? You've changed, Murray.

Well, you are making funny jokes today, so I guess we've both changed.

You should bring your new girl. I'll be really excited to meet her.

- Cool. - Yeah.

I'm so glad we're finally doing a clothing swap.

I'm so sick of all the dumb clothes I brought to Essex.

Anyone feel free to take the dress I wore my date with Andrew.

- Shit's cursed. - How was it?

Very bad and awkward.

It's like we suddenly had no chemistry at all.

Which is weird because the sex is so good.

Yeah, maybe you ruined it by going on a date.

You know, some things are just better casual.

If you had a bad time, he probably did, too.

I'm sure he's on board to go back to the way things were.

Right, but how do I backslide into casual sex after we've been on a date?

Just pretend it never happened.

If he brings it up, change the subject or just start kissing him.

So you're saying I should straight up gaslight his ass?

I like that idea.

This dress is perfect for my photo shoot with the Foxy.

It'll make my breasts look really smart.

Does anyone have something formal?

I need something to wear to an Econ Banquet.

Canaan's getting an award and I'm going with him.

- Wait, really? - As a friend, of course.

Whitney, you don't mind, right?

Yeah, of course. Totally cool with it.

- But is Jackson okay with that? - Yeah.

Hot guys don't get jealous like normals.

You know, I might have something for you. Here.

This is perfect.

- It's cute. - Yeah.

Oh, Leighton, do you have shoes that match this dress that I'm taking from you?

You know, I am starting to suspect

that the reason that you guys wanted to do this clothing swap

was so that you could take my objectively nicer and more expensive clothing.

- What? - No.

We did plan that, yes.

I'm actually really excited to show you this.

Over here we have the Foxy's temporary headquarters.

Got it. Where are you moving to?

Well, we're�

Choosing between a bunch of really beautiful and big office spaces,

but we haven't decided on one yet.

- Nice. - Yes, exactly what she said.

We have a lot of options. Like, too many, honestly.

Okay. So, tell me, what's it like going up

against a male-dominated institution like the Catullan?

Well, I'd never even heard of the Catullan until I joined.

And I don't care about those limp-dick idiots,

and you can directly quote me, Lila Flores.

We don't wanna define ourselves against another school magazine.

What we'd really rather talk about is some of the exciting work we're doing

as a groundbreaking new organization.

- I would love to hear more about that. - I'll take that one.

A lot of people don't know this,

but most of our best writing is in T-shirt form.

I think what Carla is hinting at is, well, that�

Well, I think comedy has historically been a dude's game.

People celebrate men for being ridiculous,

but when women do it, we're labeled as crazy,

or shrill or unappealing.

We just wanna show that we can not only be funny in the same ways guys are,

but funnier because, unlike male comedy, we actually have something new to say.

Hey, that was beautiful.

Yeah, I love that.

Amanda Gorman here.

How about we take a few pictures?

Finally!

Oh, my God.

Who wants to do Charlie's Angels with me?

You know what would be a great pose? You standing directly behind me.

Ready? Six, seven, eight.

And the weird thing is, he was right.

Totally forgettable croutons.

All croutons are forgettable.

Threes!

Hey, yo, Bio Bro's got hops.

I see why you're dating him now.

- We are not dating. - Well, he's kind of hot.

Sorry I called him a human filing cabinet.

Whit! What's up?

- Stay with me, please. - Hell no. He didn't say my name.

Hey.

Wow. You in athletic shorts.

That's not something I ever thought I'd see.

Yeah, take this in. Remember it.

So, I had fun on our date last night. We should do it again.

Yeah, we can talk about that later.

But first you need to witness me on this court.

Yeah.

You know, playing soccer doesn't make you automatically good at every sport, right?

Well, I bet you couldn't take me one-on-one.

Okay. I was voted MVP in my junior varsity team three years in a row.

Really? Wow.

They do MVP on JV teams? That's adorable.

Okay, let's do this.

- Actually, you know what? Shoot it. - Just take it?

A hundred percent. Yeah, I don't believe in that.

Oh, okay. That's fair. That's fine.

Bet you believe in it now, huh?

I've never been to an Econ Banquet before. Lots of vests.

- I'm having fun though. - Cool. I'm glad.

Before I forget, can I borrow three dollars?

I have to pee, but I've been avoiding the bathroom

because I don't have cash to tip the attendant.

You can still go.

Okay, everybody, get excited. It's time we gave out some awards.

First up is the Marin Koljan Award, which is awarded once a year

to the student that most embodies a moral and ethical approach to entrepreneurship.

This year's winner is an incredible student,

who, in addition to finishing at the top of three of my classes�

�also founded a charitable startup

that helps to offset the crippling cost of Alzheimer's treatments.

An issue that is sadly near and dear to his family.

Damn, Canaan. For your sake, I hope you don't have to follow this guy.

This year's winner is Canaan Greene.

Wait. That was you?

Hey! Wait, who are you dressed as?

Was Elle Woods queer?

No, this isn't a costume.

Only time I'd ever consider dressing on theme is for the Met Gala.

Who are you supposed to be?

Carol.

From the movie Carol.

No?

- So, you have never been here before? - Not once.

Okay. Well, I am excited to show you around.

Ginger, Tova!

- You guys look great. - Thank you.

This is Tatum.

I'm not dressed up.

Well, Tova, I am obsessed with your Mr. Peanut costume.

I'm not dressed like a peanut. I'm Marlene Dietrich.

That is my bad. The hat threw me off.

Told you. M&M, peanut. Food groups. People think food groups.

Maybe try a German accent!

Hey! Carol!

Hold me closer, tall, blonde dancers!

Okay.

You know, little known fact, the El in Elton actually stands for lesbian.

Well, Alicia, this is Tatum. Tatum, this is Alicia.

It is so nice to meet you.

Just so you know, I usually wear way bigger sunglasses than this.

Fun party.

I love all the rainbows. So on the nose.

Thank you.

You know, Leighton actually had this great idea to have a silent auction

to help us raise money, so please feel free to buy something or everything.

Well, we will take a look.

We're gonna announce all the winners at 10:00.

Oh, we'll be long gone by then.

Or maybe we'll still be here.

Let's go get a drink.

We will see you around?

Of course. All right. Have fun, guys.

Jess is never on campus,

so it'll be impossible�

Hey, Bela. Thanks for coming by on such short notice.

I just wanted to get your eyes on the Foxy profile before we went to press,

see if you have any corrections.

Of course. And if I see any mistakes, should I just yell "Stop the presses"?

Yeah. Please don't yell that.

Here it is.

Yeah. I think it's my finest work since

I ranked all the murals on campus by how racist they are.

No, I mean, this looks more like a profile of me than the Foxy as a whole.

Yeah, I tried to spread it around,

but your quotes were funnier and more passionate.

You were also the loudest, which might have factored into things.

I guess I'm just worried that the other editors might feel a little left out.

Well, if you want, I can use this group photo instead.

And I can add in a few more quotes from the other girls to even it out.

I don't know.

Whatever you want, just tell me.

I have to write, like, 20 alumni obituaries

and there's not that many ways to say "dead white businessman."

Let's keep it as it is.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Great. Cool. Thanks.

Hey, thanks again for coming.

Oh, my gosh, my pleasure. Thanks for letting me eat your dessert.

No problem. It was brutal watching the server tell you

the flowers on the plate weren't edible.

- Should we� - Sure.

Hey, so why did you never tell me about your mom's Alzheimer's?

Sick parents don't usually come up casually in conversation.

Really? I told you about my dad's gout on the first day of work.

I remember. Those photos will haunt me forever.

I don't know.

There's not much to tell, really.

She spent most of her time taking care of us,

so it's time for us to take care of her.

Oh, and her name is Paulette and she loves Judge Judy reruns.

- Is that what you meant? - Yes.

Well, if you need anything ever, I'm here.

I appreciate that.

Leighton, remember when we said a safe word to say when we wanna leave?

Well, I potassium need us to get our potassiums out of here

or I won't potassium you tonight.

Sure, I get it. I just, I think I should bid on something before we leave.

It's kinda cute they thought they could raise money

by auctioning off things that are arguably garbage.

I mean, what is this, other than being fucking ugly?

That's a pinch pot I made in pottery class.

It took me 70 hours.

Well, I love it so much, I will not let anyone else have it.

Two hundred dollars? Wow. Thanks, Leighton.

Do you want ten more that didn't turn out as good?

- I'll let you know. - Okay.

Okay, so I can tell you're mad.

Guess I'm the asshole now?

Yeah. You are being kind of an asshole.

You don't know Ginger.

She is gonna be unpacking that in therapy for the rest of her life.

I am sorry, but this place smells like a wet thrift shop.

I'm surprised you like it so much.

Maybe you don't know me as well as you think.

Sure, these people make crafts like child mental patients,

but they are my friends. And I don't like how judgmental you're being right now.

This coming from a person who once bragged about being more judgmental than me?

Yup. Well, maybe dating you has made me realize

that the things we have in common

are the things that I wanna change about myself.

Y'all okay?

Uh, yeah, I'm good.

I just wanna focus on having a good time.

- You wanna have a good time? - Yep.

Well, get ready for some karaoke because I think that Eleanor Roosevelt

and Frida Kahlo are about to duet on "The Boy Is Mine."

- Come on. - Okay.

That was really fun.

You're welcome to stay. Sorry I only have one pillow.

Oh, that's okay. But what are you gonna sleep on?

I just never would've guessed you and I would be together, dating.

I like it.

Come here.

Oh, okay.

Thanks for such a nice evening.

You actually had a good time at that nerd fest?

I had a great time. And I saw you having a good time, too,

so you're the nerd, nerd.

Ooh, okay.

- All right. This is me. Thanks again. - Yeah.

- Hey. - Yeah?

Thank you.

Not just for coming with me, but for encouraging me to go.

- You're a good friend. - So are you.

- Good night. - Good night.

Hey.

Whoa! They finally cast a Black James Bond.

It's about damn time.

Congrats, by the way. Kimberly told me. It's pretty awesome.

It's no big deal.

No, it is a big deal. I'm proud of you.

I appreciate you.

Where you coming from?

Just studying. At Willow's. I should probably get home.

Okay.

- Good night. - Yeah.

Hey!

How was tonight?

I think we should break up.

What?