Original subtitles

Let's make The whole year Christmas.

No reason to forget this

Feeling we're feeling now We gotta keep it going all year round

Hey, can one of you hand me the stapler?

Actually, I think I got�

- Holy shit. - Are you okay?

I'm good!

Hey, don't you think we have enough decorations?

I know I went a little overboard. I just really love Christmas.

I mean, Winter Holidays.

Dude, it's okay to say Christmas.

No, that was exclusionist. I love Winter Holidays.

Damn, those chlamydia pills are huge.

Is that a normal dosage or do you have a high bacterial load?

We're not having this discussion.

I didn't know lesbians could get STIs.

Bela, that's so offensive.

Although I didn't know that was a possibility either.

Okay. They can. I did. End of talk.

Hey, have you at least told the girls you were with last week?

I'm treating them how I wanna be treated,

by fully ignoring it and taking a pill in peace.

Leighton Murray!

Look, one of those girls gave it to me and I didn't get a call.

I'm just following their lead!

I'm with you. You don't owe them anything. One of them bugged your bits.

If I were you, I would write them a nice hand-written note.

Uh-uh, I'd call, so it's not in writing.

If anything, just send them the clap emoji, a taco emoji,

and then a peace sign. They'll get it.

All right, this is not up for discussion.

Everyone stop talking about my vagune!

Are you irritated? Is it flaring up?

Ooh, that's a yes.

Ladies, I just talked to my rep from the fertility clinic on the phone,

and you'll never believe it, her name is Kimberly, too.

Yes, it's a very common name.

Well, she and I had a great big laugh about it.

You still feeling good about the whole selling your eggs thing?

Yeah, I'm actually excited.

Like, the past few months have been so stressful

and I can't wait to get through this

and feel like a normal college student again.

- I'm really happy for you. - Thanks.

Is that noise coming from Jackson's room?

Yeah, it's been happening for a while.

It sounds more mechanical than usual.

Shh! Shh! Let me listen. I have perfect pitch for vibrators.

I think it's a Kyro Wand.

Well, he's rudely not responding to text messages or knocking.

I'll handle this.

- But what if he's with someone? - Is she�

I think I'm gonna go with her.

Yeah, I'm gonna go too for emotional support!

Okay.

Oh, hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - What's up?

It's a bit loud in here. Could you keep it down?

Yeah. Sorry about that. I just finished.

You and me, both.

- Okay. Bye. - Okay. Bye.

- Bye. - See you.

Why was that the hottest fucking thing I've ever seen?

- I didn't know backs had any muscles. - Can you guys shut up?

I'm trying to burn that image in for later.

- Hey. - Okay, that'll help.

Kimberly, have you looked at the reading list for Irish Lit this week?

Yeah, it's way too much.

What does the Professor think we are? A bunch of, like�

Like, people who can read fast?

Yeah, I know. I was hoping we could split it up?

Maybe we can both read some then fill each other in on the rest?

Yeah. That's really smart. Let's totally do that.

Great.

Oh, my God.

- That's really smart. - That's totally good.

So, what time are you having sex with Jackson tonight?

I gotta charge my noise-canceling headphones.

We're just studying together! That was a platonic study invite.

Yeah, but it's Jackson.

One time, I saw a girl go into his room with a book and come out with a limp.

You deserve to have some fun!

Let him drill you into that wall like you're the TV.

Do you guys really think he's trying to have a sexy study date?

- Yes! - Absolutely.

- I better go put on a sexier bra. - Not the beige one!

The options are beige, lima bean, or black.

- Obviously black. - Okay.

Oh, good, my brow tinter can fit me in before Kappa.

What time are we going to this thing again?

First of all, it's not just a thing, it is the final rush event.

And I cannot believe that you have made it this far when you barely rushed

and you have little to no fashion sense.

What can I say? When you got it, got it.

- Just glad you're giving it a chance. - Hey, this is new Whitney.

She says yes and tries things

because she has literally nothing else going on.

All I want is to be able to text my mom a pic of me wearing her Kappa pin.

Leighton, that's so sweet.

After everything with Nico, she could use some good news.

I didn't even think you guys got along.

Just because her name is in my phone as the Babadook

doesn't mean I don't love the bitch.

Hey. We should go get our nails done.

Why? Yours look great.

Yeah, they do. That was more of a little reminder for you. Let's go.

- Come on. - Damn. Okay.

Okay. We're finalizing the staff page, so last call for headshots.

Lila?

Can you send me one without your boobs on a tray?

You said to highlight my strengths.

Has everyone posted the countdown for our launch on their Stories?

We go live in ten hours!

How are our numbers looking?

They're a-frickin'-mazing.

We're primed to reach one in every eight people on campus.

One in eight? Carla, that sucks.

Does it? Because I love positivity.

Okay. Can I talk to someone else about this? Jo, maybe?

It turns out a lot of us share the same social following,

so we're missing a lot of people.

Oh, my God. A bunch of foot fetishists follow me, will that help?

Look, we need to reach more people or this will never work.

We left the Catullan, a group that's a legit feeder into the NBC page program,

to make something better, not worse.

- We need to fix this. - Bela, chill.

I have a lot riding on this.

Yeah, we all do,

but we never thought we were gonna have a big audience right away.

We just have to start small, make good content,

and hopefully people will find us.

Ah! One of my foot guys just texted back.

He said he'll promote us.

Whatcha watching?

Oh, I got my Biochem quiz back

and your girl moved from the bottom third of the class

- to the middle third! - Hey! Congrats.

Thank you. But I know I can do better,

so I'm watching a video on what acellular means,

because how can anything have no cells?

That's nonsense.

This study geek vibe on you is so cute.

Oh, what time should I get to the KJ House tonight?

You said the party starts at 9:00, so is that like a Black 10:30?

Usually, yes. But the Kissmas party is our biggest party of the year,

so I would get there early.

Biggest party of the year? Okay.

And I wanted to invite you to the official after-party.

It's in my room, it's just us, and it's fully naked.

I will RSVP yes to that.

- Gotta get to work. - Okay.

Actually, I wanna ask you something.

Will you be my girlfriend?

What the fuck? Was I not his girlfriend already?

Did you think I was his girlfriend? Because I thought I was his girlfriend.

Yeah. You definitely called yourself his girlfriend multiple times,

so, I can't lie, that is embarrassing.

I just don't get how he didn't consider me his girlfriend until like 14 minutes ago.

Do you think this means he's been seeing other people? It might, right?

Well, did you ask him if he was seeing other people?

No. Are you crazy?

You don't ask guys these things. You ask everyone else you know.

Okay. Look, I'm not some successful dater of boys who can help you with this,

but you know who can? Kappas, right?

Ask some of the seniors. I'm sure they've seen it all.

Yeah. You're right.

You know, I'm starting to see some of the upsides to being in a sorority.

We are Kappa Beta Rho. We set trends wherever we go.

Am I supposed to be scared?

That a Kappa girl always steals the show.

We are Kappa, don't you know?

- Terrifying. - Leighton?

Natalie. Hi.

- I didn't know you were rushing Kappa. - I am.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Were you just not gonna tell me you gave me chlamydia?

There she is.

Yup, it's me.

- I'm so glad you could make it. - Me too.

Me too.

We've got so much stuff to cover!

Hi, Fred from Lit class.

Or as my classmates from Poly Sci would call me, "Fred from Poly Sci."

Yeah. I ran into Fred and I thought we could make our study duo into a trio.

- Yeah. - Who wants Chex Mix Muddy Buddies?

Okay. Which do you like better, this or this?

I came here to have sex,

not look at 30 options of the Catullan holiday issue that all look she same.

They don't all look the same.

They have different font sizes and variable kerning. Look.

I can't believe I still wanna have sex with you after what you just said.

Okay.

I gotta email this to the print guy. I need to get it in by 2:00 for same-day.

How's your launch looking? Tonight's the night, right?

Yup. We go live at midnight.

The Catullan issue comes out tonight, too. A little competition, huh?

Yeah, I'm shaking in my thong.

Look,

I know it's tough starting a new thing, but I'm excited to read it.

Well, you'll probably be the only one.

What you're doing is cool.

It's way more impressive than the Catullan just using a bunch of alumni money

to print copies and dump them in front of every student's door.

Okay. Let's do this.

And, hey, could you bite my neck, like, less?

Last time it felt like I was having sex with Edward Cullen.

Yeah. Sorry, uh�

- What's happening? - Actually, I gotta go.

Perfect. I'm glad I got completely pantsless for you to leave.

Hey, so I have an idea.

I can't believe you gave me the clap and didn't tell me.

Okay. Who's to say I gave it to you?

You might've given it to me.

You're the only person I've slept with lately!

Okay. I know you wanna talk about this, but this is not the time.

- I just want you to apologize. - Oh, my God.

Okay. Can you just stop?

Can I just Venmo you for the cost of your meds

and we can leave this very mediocre sex we had behind us?

What was that?

Oh, nothing.

It seemed pretty heated.

It's just�

Natalie came in with some very intense competitive energy.

Didn't feel very Kappa to me, but it's fine.

Oh, really?

- No, I shouldn't have said anything. - No, it's important.

We can't let anyone in that'll throw off the vibes.

We have to preserve the vibes.

I always say that.

It's so funny you mention it, too, because if a vibe is per chance thrown�

- Yeah. - �nothing ever goes right.

So I thought we were already an official couple,

but then he brings his whole, "Will you be my girlfriend?" thing on me.

Like, what the hell?

It sounds like you were in a one-sided situationship, babe.

Totally, 100%.

My ex had this whole ho-tation.

He was hooking up with a bunch of girls every time he went home.

Canaan doesn't seem like he'd do something like that.

Well, they never do, until they do.

Have you ever been cheated on?

Uh, yeah. In the fall, I was seeing this guy and he�

- Yeah. - What's going on here?

We're talking about what to do when a guy is being sus.

Honestly, the minute a guy is being sus, I go through his phone.

It has all the answers.

Do I feel great about it? No.

But I'd rather know for sure than waste my time.

- Totally. - Totally.

Uh, thanks. I don't think I could do that,

but I appreciate the convo.

Okay. That's all I've got for Seamus Heaney.

That's so helpful. I read some of the McDonagh stuff,

I hope my notes are okay.

Oh, hang on, my Chinese food is here.

And, don't worry, I got dumps for the table.

It's so nice we get to do this with Fred.

Hey.

I'm happy we've got a second alone,

'cause I wanna tell you there's another reason why I asked you over.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I don't know how you're feeling, but�

Fred's, like, really into you.

He asked me if I could link you guys up, so that's why I invited him over.

So, what do you think?

Of Fred?

Fred who showed us his digital trading cards?

He seems like a really sweet guy.

Got the food. Sorry I took so long.

You were gone for, like, ten seconds.

So, who's hungry?

Okay. We got this, girls.

We absolutely do.

Be right out!

If this works, we're gonna get so many subscribers.

Yeah, but aren't you worried that Eric's gonna get pissed

and fog up his little glasses?

No. He'll be fine.

He knows we're competing. He said so himself.

I was really looking forward to never seeing this guy Roy again.

He thinks I'm Eric's assistant

and he always taps my hand with his damp fingers.

- Hey, Roy. Nice to see you. - You too, sweetie!

How can I help the Catullan's best gal today?

Oh, wow.

Hi, Roy. I'm Bela.

We little ladies could use your help.

There was one last edit to the cover art for tonight's issue,

but we forgot to make it before Eric sent it to you.

And if we don't fix this, we're gonna be in big trouble.

The approved cover is on here. Will you help us girls out?

Of course, sweetie.

Oh, my God. Our moms were totally in the same rush class!

- We have to take a pic to send them! - Totally.

- Leighton, can I have a moment? - Sure.

I will be right back to take that picture, Jordan.

What's up?

Did you talk shit about me to the Kappas? Because I feel like I'm getting iced out.

During the house tour, they left me in the cellar.

- Um, no, I haven't mentioned you at all. - Really?

Because I saw you looking my way when you were talking to Quinn.

Oh, Natalie, you're making this really weird, okay?

Maybe focus more on rush and less on who I'm talking to.

It's now time for my favorite Kappa rush tradition.

Secret seat. Secret seat. Secret seat. Secret seat.

For our final moments of rush, I invite each of you

to sit in the secret seat and share a sexy secret.

And, Abby, you're first!

I went down on my boyfriend on the London Eye!

Secret seat. Secret seat. Secret seat.

I don't really love ros�.

Secret seat. Secret seat. Secret seat.

Last week, Leighton Murray gave me chlamydia!

This Christmas gonna be a little different Santa come down�

Hey, get it. Oh, my God. This is so damn dope.

I mean, back at Kappa, that was like bad-bad, right?

- Hated to watch. Couldn't look away. - Got it.

But I can't even think about that when all of this is happening in front of me.

I'm gonna check with Quinn to check in on deliberations. Very casually, though.

- Yeah, you're in a very casual place. - Yeah.

I'm sorry, babe. This is rough.

Wait. What's going on? How'd it go with Jackson?

Oh, bad. Turns out he was planning a sexy date,

but not for me and him. For me and this guy.

He looks like he would treat you very well.

Yeah, he's fine, I guess.

But now I know how Jackson sees me. He sees me with a guy like this?

Jackson clearly thinks I'm not in his league, which is fine.

But is anyone in Jackson's league?

No. He's like a Greek god that came to Earth as punishment for being too hot.

Oh, forget it. How was Kappa?

One of the girls announced that Leighton gave her chlamydia.

- What? - Should we all get very large drinks?

- Yes. - Perfect.

There he is.

- Damn, Santa. - You're here.

The party has officially started.

What was that for?

Just kissing my girlfriend.

This is my favorite party of the year and I can't wait to spend it with you.

- Oh, damn. - What?

My phone keeps falling out of these Santa pants.

Do you mind holding it in your bag for me?

- Yeah. Sure. - Yeah?

This is my song. Let's go.

Turn it up, turn it up It's a holiday, yeah

- We fucking did it! - It's here? Let me see it.

What did you do?

We needed a splashy way to announce our magazine to the world,

so we Trojan Horsed the Catullan!

We replaced their cover with a QR code that leads to our site instead.

Us sneaky bitches out-snuck the boys! Who wants a signed copy?

Now the Foxy is at the doorstep of every person on campus!

Bela, that is so cool!

Oh, my God. Look, we're already getting so many new followers. Yes!

Cheers me with your boobs.

Say Kissmas!

Kissmas!

Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way.

So, wait, you're telling me you talked shit about this girl,

gaslit her and then sabotaged her,

all after you gave her chlamydia?

Okay, so I can see how that would make me look like a bitch, but�

Look like a bitch? Bitch, you were a bitch.

That's what I said. In less harsh words.

Okay. But what do you think I should do?

Look, I wanna help you, but I gotta follow that tight linebacker into a private room,

so I'm gonna go. Kimberly, fix your girl.

Okay. So I really messed up.

But you know what? I am just gonna text Quinn

and I'm gonna tell her to call me.

- Who should we give these to? - Hot guys first and then everybody else.

Hey, great party, huh?

Do you like college comedy?

Hey, daddy. You like to laugh?

Scan the code on the cover.

Bela, did you do this?

Eric, uh, hi.

Yes, yes, I did.

And I'm sure you're upset, but I'm hoping part of you is also proud.

No! What the fuck? How could you do this to me?

Especially since we're hooking up!

Chill out, my slim-hipped cutie!

I'm sorry, but I had to do it!

I honestly thought you'd sort of respect it.

Well, I don't. This is such a mess.

- I have to make a bunch of� - What the�

�calls.

He got caught in the Cupid shuffle!

He's just being thrown around like a little pinball.

How embarrassing.

Ho, ho, ho, KJ House.

Hey. Y'all been naughty or nice?

Naughty!

All right, now, who wanna come take a picture with Santa?

Santa should always be this ripped.

Honestly, well said.

Wait. Is that Zoe from the coffee shop?

I didn't know she kicked it at the KJ House.

Yeah. Canaan invited her during our shift yesterday.

And girlie's wearing the lil booty dress. I helped picked out for her. Get it, Zo!

- You want to take a picture? - Yeah. One sec. I'll be right back.

Leighton, you need to chill out. We're in the middle of delibs.

- I'm in the templum! - Heard.

But I need to tell you something. Natalie was telling the truth.

I gave her chlamydia.

And I probably gave it to few more girls, too.

It's been a weird month.

But Natalie wasn't the one throwing vibes off today. I was.

I was being socio, and I'm so sorry.

Fine. Message received. Now, please stop texting.

Okay. But it's just Kappa is all I've ever wanted.

And, if given the chance�

And she hung up. Perfect.

So, I finally talked to Quinn and� What are you doing?

- I'm going through Canaan's phone. - Stop.

Girl, please, you don't exactly have the moral high ground

when it comes to choices right now.

Okay, brutal, but fair.

Still, no good is gonna come from you doing this.

Oh, my God. I knew it. I knew something was up.

Whitney, wait. Whit!

- What's up? - Hey. I didn't know you'd be here.

Hey, thanks again for all the help today.

You and Fred are the smartest people I've ever met.

And is that why you think we're, like, a match?

Look, he asked me to ask you,

so I thought I'd help him out.

Guys like Fred don't usually have a shot with girls like you.

What do you mean "girls like me," like short and chatty?

Hot.

You're hot.

You mind telling me what this text from Zoe is about?

"Hey, thanks for meeting up with me. I know you're with someone,

but I needed you to know how I feel."

You went through my phone? That's so out of pocket, Whitney!

Then why are you meeting up with girls who have crushes on you?

Were you trying to keep her on your bench or�

I don't have a bench! And nothing happened between me and Zoe.

The only reason I talked to her is because we work together.

So I let her down nice. It's not my fault that she likes me.

Well, then, why would you keep that from me?

Because I knew you would overreact like this! Like you did before!

- Canaan� - I need a beat.

- No, I didn't� - I said I need a beat.

We look good on paper So I sparked too much and lit it on fire

When you got too close I watched us Go up in smoke, but it's all right

It'll be fine. Just let Canaan sleep it off

and go see him in the morning.

I really don't wanna talk about it.

How do I tell my mom I won't be a Kappa?

For what it's worth, I think you're better off without them.

I just, I always thought being a Kappa was the first step to a certain life.

But, yeah.

Yeah, maybe I don't need that. This might be for the best.

It is. And, hey, maybe start a cool, queer sorority or something.

Now, I'm sad again.

Oh.

Look, there it is. My official rejection letter.

Damn. I didn't know they made envelopes so small.

Kappas are ruthless.

Wait, what? I got in.

- You did? - I did!

Oh, my God, I'm so happy!

You literally just said not getting in was for the best.

Well, obviously, that was to protect myself if I did get rejected.

Everyone get in your filming positions. I have an acceptance video to record.

I'm sorry you didn't get an envelope.

It's fine. Unlike her, I actually don't care.

Well, shit.

Okay.

Wait, Eric, I'm so, so sorry.

What you did was really screwed up! You made me look like an asshole!

I only messed with the Catullan to try to do something good for the Foxy.

I wasn't trying to do something bad to you.

- The site is good. - You read it?

It's really, really good.

Learning to code HTML was really hard. It's not as intuitive as it�

Oh, fuck. Keep going!

Wait. Dude! Did you hack our site

and turn our cursor into the Catullan logo with a big penis?

I did.

You fucked with our magazine, so I fucked with yours.

But it's nothing personal, right? Just competition.

Right. And we're gonna burn the Catullan to the fucking ground.

What you mean is you and your friends are gonna try and fail� Fuck!

I don't wanna be fighting with you.

Me neither.

It's just that I knew Zoe was after you and when I saw that message

- and knew I was right, I couldn't� - It doesn't matter if she's into me.

I'm a good-looking guy without, like, major problems.

People are gonna be into me.

The only thing that matters is, I'm not into her

- and you didn't believe me. - I did.

Kind of. I just needed evidence from your phone to believe it.

Look, I know I was wrong and I will never do it again.

Whit, I don't think this is gonna work out between us.

Wait. What?

It's just, it shouldn't be this hard.

I think we call it.

Wait. Canaan, please.

Because of one thing?

I know it's not one thing, it's a couple of things, but�

This is best.

You're lost right now, and our trust is broken.

If I don't talk to you, Merry Christmas.