Original subtitles

This place looks so fucking good!

Yeah, who cares if the frats won't let us in?

- We'll just throw our own party! - Yeah!

And now we don't have to wait in some long lines, freezing our asses off,

hoping some power-hungry douchebags let us in!

Yes, Bela, go off!

Now we get to be the power-hungry douchebags!

I can't wait to reject people.

Oh�

Oh, my God, this looks amazing!

Yeah, you guys killed this!

And we brought more booze.

- I got high end for the VIPs. - Seniors, populars, and attractives.

And bargain bin for the Gen Pop.

Ugs, randos, people less cool than us.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

This is gonna be amazing.

Okay. So, now all we have to do is just sit back and let the people come.

Yeah.

I can't believe no one came.

Honestly, I'm having fun. Should I put a podcast on?

I just heard a great one about the etymology of the word etymology.

- Someone's here! - Quick! Someone start the music!

Dance. Dance.

Okay.

Come in!

Oh, it's Frude.

- Are you here for the party? - Sadly, no.

Girls, I know you attempted to throw a social event this evening,

and it is clear no one came.

There's still time.

Mmm, it's 1:30 in the morning.

And a good party would be peaking right now.

Damn, Frude.

But, just because you don't have friends, doesn't mean your life doesn't have value.

Thanks?

I would normally confiscate your alcohol,

but this situation is so sad, you can keep it.

And, hey, make as much noise as you like. No one else is home.

Bye, Frude.

Guys, Frude just pitied us.

Oh, my God, we need to fix things with the frats.

Good luck asking your mom about the loan.

Okay.

- Hi, honey! - Hi, Mom.

I love your new earrings.

Thank you. Someone left them in the Walgreens bathroom.

Finders, keepers, right?

So, look, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Oh, my gosh. I have something I need to talk to you about.

Like, I just can't keep it from you any longer.

- What's going on? - Well, Biscuit almost died.

What? What happened?

Well, he needed a new colon. Didn't you?

Oh, my God, Biscuit! Is he okay?

Yeah. He's fine. He got into your dad's Metamucil,

and it just blew him right out.

Aren't surgeries like that expensive?

Your dad and I are gonna be paying it off until we're dead,

but we know how much Biscuit means to you, so, totally worth it.

Yeah, he's a great dog.

I mean, he's almost 12, though, so�

It's fine. No. Dad took some extra shifts on the weekend,

and I've decided to sell leggings on Etsy.

But, sweetie, what did you want to tell me?

It's nothing. Don't worry about it.

You sure?

Okay. Well, I want to send leggings to all of you,

but which one do you think Bela would like?

The surfing turtles or the cupcakes?

I think both are so fun.

Damn! That was, like, great.

How'd you get so good at sex?

One summer in high school, I met this older woman who�

showed me the ways of love.

Shut up. Really?

No, I just watch a lot of porn.

Cool.

Wait, seriously?

- You're on a dating app already? - What do you mean?

I mean I was inside you 30 seconds ago.

I thought we talked about this already?

Aren't we both allowed to hook up with other people?

Yeah, I just assumed we'd kind of tactfully look for those hook-ups,

like, not when we're lying naked together.

Hey, what are you up to? You wanna hang out tonight?

You've come over, like, three nights in a row.

I just love spending time with you.

This is 'cause you and your roommates are banned from parties.

Yes. It's horrible. I had to do homework last night.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Look, guys love flattery. And, I hesitate to tell you this

because you are pathologically over-confident, but you're cute.

Thank you. I know.

So just beg them to let you back in.

Smart. Like how I begged you to keep your glasses on during sex.

I need to take them off when I go down on you.

They get foggy. I can't see what I'm doing.

I've got to get at least a B on this Spanish final

or my mom's gonna go no bueno on my ass.

See? This is why I take easy classes.

Next trimester, I'm taking the class that just called Textures.

Sweet mother of Kristen Stewart, that is a smoking hot woman.

Do you know who that girl is?

I know exactly who she is.

She's hot, she works at Sips, and she just touched your man's arm.

I will be right back.

- It's crazy. I didn't make that happen. - You're catching on fast.

Maybe you should be training me.

Oh, Whit! This is our new coworker, Zoe.

- Hi. - Hey. I'm Whitney.

I live with Kimberly.

Kimberly, yes. Oh, my God, I love her.

She reminds me of my grandmother.

Zoe just fixed our register system so that it's all automated to the iPad.

Oh.

Mostly, so I could make the minimum tip option 30%.

She's like some mad coder genius. How cool is that?

That's cool.

Oh, she also jailbroke my iPhone.

It's like, damn, Zoe, leave something for the rest of us to be good at. Right?

But you never seemed to mind

Shine like a diamond always

I'm so glad you DM'ed me.

By the time I leave here, you'll be glad I did a lot of things.

I guess I should walk away

Baby, girl, you trippin'

- That was fun. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Leighton? Why are you all messy and happy-looking?

Wait, did you just hook up� with her?

I did.

I'm Leighton's roommate.

I've seen her change, and you are one lucky lady.

- Okay. All right. I'll hit you up later. - Okay.

- Later. Bye. - Bye.

Okay, that was a lot. Even for me.

Right?

Oh, actually, I'm so glad I ran into you.

I'm on my way to talk to the Theta guys at the gym.

I have a plan to get us back on their good side.

It's genius and it cannot fail.

Did you come up with it?

- I did. - Yeah. I'm gonna go with you.

Okay.

So, did you tell your mom about your scholarship?

It's not gonna happen.

But I'll figure it out.

I just signed up for 23 and Me

to see if I have any rich relatives I don't know about yet.

Oh, I love that site.

It told me J.Lo was a distant great-aunt.

Can you see it?

Me too.

Kimberly.

Professor Hennessey!

It's so good to see you! What can I get you?

I came to see you, actually.

- Oh. - I wanted to ask

if you could come to a small dinner party at my home tomorrow.

Like, to cater it?

No, as a guest!

I'm inviting a group of students

who I think would enjoy a spirited exchange of ideas.

I love spirited exchanges. What can I bring?

Like, dessert, or a clipping from a feminist magazine?

No, just you. Arif will be there as well.

- Hi. - Hi.

He's a student from Syria, staying in our guest room

until he finishes his studies.

- So, you like helping students in need? - Of course.

- Even the white ones? - I would love to come!

- Great! It'll be fun. - See you tomorrow.

- Bye. - Bye.

And bring a friend.

Okay. We're going to that dinner. You're gonna get that lady

to co-sign your loan for you.

What? No. She's my professor.

Okay. Yeah. But if she can financially aid that Syrian snack,

maybe she can help you, too.

She does love me.

Absolutely. This will work.

Now, let me see if hot Arif and I have any mutuals in common.

And, oh, my God, we both follow Malala? I can work with that.

Nice. Nice.

What are you two doing here?

Yeah, what part of us actively hating you did you not understand?

Look, I hear you.

On behalf of all of our roommates, we are here to apologize.

What we did was wrong, and we are stupid fucking bitches.

You and your brothers should have been allowed to cheat as much as you want,

and use those grades to get into grad schools

you could have never gotten into otherwise.

- Okay. What the hell! - You're making us sound even worse.

Yeah, you kind of are.

That apology sucked, and your hand was clammy.

Well, you gotta forgive us! This is killing me.

Without an active social life, I'm having regular, monogamous sex

with someone I only intended to be a casual hook-up. It's hell!

Yeah, this isn't compelling.

And we've got bigger things to worry about.

Theta might lose their charter because of that stunt you pulled.

Look, if you want to get Theta out of trouble,

prove to the administration that you're good guys. You know?

Throw a fundraiser for something Essex cares about, like,

like, climate change or something.

How? We can't throw parties in the house anymore.

They won't even let my book club meet!

I guess I'll just read The Secret History and talk about it with no one.

Well, why don't you let us figure out where to throw it?

Yeah. And if this works,

and I'm not sure it will because I have no experience doing this,

you let us back into parties.

Okay. But I don't get why anyone would go to a Theta fundraiser.

It's a good point.

Damn. I am so money.

Do you know what Magic Mike Live is?

- A strip show? - It's not a strip show.

It's a sex-positive, female-forward, entertainment strip-tacular.

It's also a fundraiser for climate change.

Yeah, those two things don't mix.

People are gonna pay to watch these Theta guys take their shirts off?

They're already never wearing shirts.

This is different. This is spectacle.

I'm talking tearaway pants, body oil, happy trails, both front and back.

There won't be a dry, pardon my French, panty in the house.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think Bela might be right.

I agree. I do think people will pay for this.

I know they will. And when this works, you'll all be thanking me.

Hopefully while holding my hair while I puke into a frat's urinal.

Why are you fantasizing about that?

Who knows where fantasies come from?

I'm gonna go work on a playlist of songs that's good to hump a floor to.

Text me if you have any ideas.

I'll be trying some out in my room.

- Hey, so, I met your new coworker. - Yeah.

Zoe? She is so smart and so funny.

She saw how much apple juice I drink, and she started calling it "my usual."

- Like, "That's your usual." - That's good.

So, everyone likes her? Like, Lila? Your boss?

- Canaan? - Yeah! I mean, she's amazing.

AOC even follows her on Twitter!

I mean, is that special? AOC follows my mom, too.

Yeah, but your mom is a senator.

Zoe is just a student and a former model. It's different.

Wait, are you� Are you, like, jealous of this girl?

- No. No, I'm not jealous. - Oh!

She should be jealous of how not jealous I am.

You guys should join Bela's comedy magazine thing

'cause that is hilarious. Jealous�

Bela, why are there a bunch of male thongs on your bed?

Because I am jazzing up some booty shorts for the Theta boys to dance in.

- They are sexy and biodegradable. - Oh!

Only if someone asks. They're not actually biodegradable.

Oh.

Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

- What happened? - Oh, God, did your mom get assassinated?

- What? No! - Oh.

No. I was on that girl Zoe's Insta and I accidentally liked a pic.

Like, a super deep one.

- How deep? - June?

That's not bad.

- Of 2014. - Okay.

- Whitney! - That's bad.

This doesn't have to be weird. What is the post?

It says, "Miss you, Gam Gam. Today and every day."

Oh, fuck me! I liked a picture of her dead grandmother?

What am I supposed to do?

Just start liking all her pics. It'll confuse her.

No. No. That will make it so much worse.

Can one of you help me, please?

Okay. Report her account for terrorism, and then maybe they'll take it down.

She's like a hot Black Mark Zuckerberg. She's gonna figure that out.

Okay, everybody calm down.

I know what to do.

Zoe will see that notification.

And she will know it's from you because your face is in your profile pic

and Whitney is in your Insta-name.

But she won't know it's you if you change those things.

So make your account private, change your profile picture

to a stock image of a burrito, and make your account name

@ChipotleAlbuquerque.

She'll think you're a random like from Chipotle promo account in New Mexico.

Holy shit. That is wildly brilliant.

It really is. That's, like, Zoe-level smart!

Could you not?

Professor Hennessey, this dinner has been so fun.

Can I help you with those dishes?

Don't worry about it. I have a dishwasher. His name is Craig.

So, I probably shouldn't say this,

as I haven't posted the final trimester grades yet, but you got an A.

- I did? - Yes.

One of two in the class.

Professor Hennessey, can I ask you something?

Yes, of course, anything.

I lost my scholarship

and I need someone to co-sign a loan for me so I can stay here.

I hate to ask you, but my parents can't know about this,

and I don't know what else to do. All I need�

- Let me stop you. For a second. - Okay. Yeah.

I see a lot of myself in you, Kimberly.

And I would never wanna lose a student like you.

Just give me a minute to think on it, okay?

Yes. This dining hall was born to be a strip club!

Looking good, guys.

Time to get fluffed and stuffed.

Let's make our climate daddy proud.

Okay, DJ, keep it peppy. I want 80 humps per minute.

Okay, Cody, work it. Get that chair pregnant!

Bela! We've sold so many tickets that my Venmo just froze.

God, this is incredible.

I know. I think this might be my calling.

It combines my two loves, sexy, greasy men and bossing people around.

Okay, I gotta give you credit.

I think this fundraiser could really get our frat reinstated.

It's my pleasure.

And if you take any pictures in the dressing room,

my AirDrop is always on.

Excuse me, what on earth is going on?

Dean Miller! Are you here to buy a ticket?

To a strip show?

Essex is a respected feminist institution,

a cornerstone of Vermont herstory.

Whatever this is, it's over.

Dean Miller, if you let me explain, this is a legitimate and tasteful event.

Okay. I didn't spend three decades

marching in support of women's rights to support that.

Yo, he is making his dick bounce.

Okay, ma'am, we at Theta,

we're trying to prove that our bodies aren't just for pleasure.

They are also for service.

I promise, if you could just stay and watch my performance

of "Thot Shit" by Megan Thee Stallion, you'll agree.

Yeah. That's not happening.

The Vermont Constitution was ratified in this room.

It's not where we gyrate to "Thot Shit."

Keep her here till I get back.

Dean Miller, can I tell you a long story

about why the environment is so important to me?

Hi, I'm Bela. I live next door to you and I really need your help.

Okay.

Also, can I have some water? I ran all the way here.

How are you liking Essex, Arif?

It's really nice.

The professor and her husband have been very generous.

Arif, forget about college. You could make a killing in modeling.

Your bone structure is sick.

Thanks, Lila. You are very sick, too.

- Kimberly. - Yeah.

I thought about what you asked me.

And if it means keeping a student like you at Essex,

I would be happy to co-sign for you.

Seriously? Thank you! Thank you so much!

My pleasure.

All right, gang, I'm gonna call it a night for myself, but please stay and enjoy.

Okay. Thank you.

Are you having a good time?

Yeah. Great.

Dinner was awesome, and your wife is the best.

She's so smart and impressive.

Yeah, she really is.

Although she would kill me if I told you stories about her from college.

Maybe after one more drink.

I love the life you two have.

Two smart, cool academics, in this cute house,

with all your books and worldly knickknacks.

It's like a dream.

I can see why Elizabeth likes you so much.

We should fuck sometime.

As a climate refugee, the fact that these students

have worked so hard to raise money for the environment,

it almost makes me forget the day that I lost two close friends

in a Wizard of Oz-style tornado.

You should be proud of the campus community that you've created here.

Also, Theta raised $11,000 tonight.

You know, I don't care� Oh, my God, what?

- $11,000? - Yep.

Okay, you can do your show,

but lights out by midnight, and no full nudity!

Don't worry, Dean. All penises will remain safely stowed.

Okay.

- Holy shit. That actually worked. - Thanks, new hot friend!

Yeah, I got you.

Hey, I'm gonna go back in my room, because I'm expecting this girl

in, like, five minutes, but have fun with this.

All right, everyone, it's go time! Line up for your good-luck butt slap.

Hello, Essex! How's everyone doing tonight?

It's about to get real heated up in this room,

and it's not because of carbon emissions.

Give it up for the boys of Theta!

- Come here. - You got it?

Damn. You blinked in this one and somehow you still look fine.

- Thank you. - It's going on the main.

Okay.

Wait, what's up? I can't find your profile.

Oh, yeah, something weird must have happened.

Here, let me see. I can fix it.

- No, no, no. It's good. I can� - Wait, what the�

Whit, did you rename your account to @ChipotleAlbuquerque?

There's wraps and burritos and shit? Why would you do that?

Okay, listen, it's so stupid.

So, I was, you know, lightly perusing your co-worker Zoe's profile,

and I accidentally liked a picture of her dead grandma,

so Bela changed my profile to a Chipotle.

I understood, like, half of that sentence.

I guess I was jealous

of how impressed you are with Zoe, and how smart she is.

And� it made me feel,

I don't know, unimpressive.

You have nothing to be jealous about.

You're a dream girl.

And I am not even into Zoe like that, like, at all.

Also�

I was right behind you at Omega Pi

when you told your friend I'm a loser who doesn't have a thing.

Well, I definitely didn't say you were a loser.

But I'm sorry for saying anything behind your back. That was wrong.

Thanks.

But, do I think you have too much time on your hands?

- I mean, it seems like it, right? - Okay, okay, sure.

Maybe I could find more constructive ways to use my time.

- Maybe. Maybe. - Yes.

But for now, I'm just gonna focus on the "dream girl" part of all this.

- Yeah, as you should. - That was cute. That was good.

Was I nuts to dump her?

She's like one of the hottest girls on campus.

Sure. But, given all the texts I've gotten about you this week,

I'm pretty sure you're one of the hottest queer girls on campus now, too.

What? Really?

To be clear, you're not my type. I'm into gingers. I'd die for Shiv Roy.

But you don't notice the way they all look at you?

Shit, they used to do that for me.

Look, sis is practically drooling.

This is amazing.

It somehow manages to be both erotic and thought-provoking.

Yeah. Who said you can't save polar bears

and admire a dude's V-muscles at the same time?

Hey, how was the dinner party?

Good, I guess. My professor said she'd co-sign my loan.

- That's amazing! - Yes!

Yeah. But then I was talking to her husband and he said,

"We should fuck sometime."

- What? - What?

That's so gross.

- What did you tell him? - Don't worry, I shut it down.

Okay, but what did you say exactly?

I think I said, "Cool."

But in a way that clearly communicated I meant, "Not cool."

Like, "Not cool, man. Not cool."

But did you say the "not" part, or just the "cool" part?

Just "cool."

Kimberly, cool means cool! You told him yes.

No, I didn't!

Okay, say it to me like you said in the moment. "We should fuck sometime."

Cool.

Yeah, so you just told this man that you wanna have sex with him.

Yeah, I hear that now.

I think you're being summoned.

I think we all are!

Okay, but I have to go to church twice tomorrow.

- Yeah. - Come on.

Yes.

Weirdly I'm into this.

Kimberly, I'm glad you're here.

I brought you this to say thanks for the lovely dinner,

and, you know, the other thing.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I'm so sorry, Kimberly, but I cannot co-sign your loan for you.

Oh, my God.

Professor Hennessey, I'm so sorry.

I never would have done anything sexual with your husband.

I should've said no in the moment, but I was confused. It was just an�

What are you talking about?

What were you talking about?

My accountant was worried

that co-signing a loan would affect my credit score too much.

- Did my husband make a pass at you? - Um, you know�

I think I just might have misunderstood what he said.

What did he say?

I think he said something like,

"We should fuck sometime."

- I am so sorry, Professor. - No.

You've done nothing wrong. You are not my unemployed husband

who is trying to fuck a co-ed for not the first time. Excuse me.

Craig, hi, it's your wife,

you piece of shit.

Have you seen yourself in the mirror?

I'm just gonna leave the plant.

Seriously? You hit on another student?

That's it. I'm calling your sister to pick you up.

Pack your stuff. You're Nancy's problem now.

No. You can't get your guitars later. Take them now.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.