Original subtitles

- (HORNS BLARING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SHIV ROY BREATHES DEEPLY)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Thanks, Richard.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SHIV: Hey!

- TOM: Hey! - Hi!

TOM: Hey, how are you? You made it! How was London?

Yeah. (KISSES)

- Good. Yeah. - Yeah? You okay?

SHIV: Yeah, I'm fine.

Uh... Where's... Is Ken here? Is--

- Uh... I don't know! - Is Rom?

I don't know. So, are... you okay? What did you do?

- Who did you see? - Uh... Yeah, it was a blur.

- Are you okay? - I'm okay.

I'm just preoccupied.

Okay. But you don't think that--

- What? - You don't think it could be

- today that he... - What?

- ...might announce you? - No.

But...

Yeah, you know, full family briefing pre-departure

to the Pierces', where...

it would be smart to have someone to announce, so...

- Yes. - Yeah.

Okay. Well, why didn't you say, honey?

Because it probably isn't, so would you relax? It's--

I am relaxed. I'm just excited.

Richard! Hail, my fellow toilerman.

I have returned from real America,

bearing the gift of sight.

- SHIV: How was summer camp? - Hmm? What's that?

Didn't catch that. I've been down in the salt mines so long

with my fellow Johnny Lunchpails,

I no longer speak One-Percent.

SHIV: Mm, Roman, you were slinging candy apples,

not digging the Panama Canal.

ROMAN ROY: I've seen the world for how it really is, Siobhan,

and it has changed me. I'm a kettle corn shoveler,

here to show you frilly clit-flickers the truth. Hi!

MARCIA ROY: Mm.

ROMAN: Mwah! Hey, Con.

How's the hooker with the heart of gold?

...and, you know, I think that could be a way in.

(CHUCKLES) Ho! Hello! Thanks, all. Um...

Cars are waiting. But first, some announcements.

- Frank. - So, as you know,

the good news is that the Pierces are entertaining

our offer, but, bad news, they're inquiring about

your moral character, hence this weekend.

LOGAN ROY: They all wanna look us in the teeth.

Right. They want our 24 billion, but they also wanna be able

to ensure the integrity of their news outlets

- into the future. - LOGAN: And I want an onion

- to taste like a fucking peach, but there you go. - (FRANK VERNON LAUGHS)

Before we waste a weekend, can I just check

why this time is gonna be different, Dad?

Lack of readership.

PGM is getting outflanked left and right.

The whole edifice is crumbling.

Oof! Well, that just screams, "Bye, bye, bye!"

(INHALES) I--I'm kidding. I get it.

FRANK: Even Nan, the queen bee, is feeling the squeeze.

The Pierce Family Trust has fractured.

So, to ensure that everything goes smoothly,

we have prepared a few do's and don'ts for the weekend.

Oh, so, what, don't shit in the soup tureen?

Topics to stay clear of: Ravenhead, ATN, Israel,

Brightstar, and Cruise's rumor mill.

- GERRI KILLMAN: Mm. - Steer onto gossip, investments,

art, movies... Tittle-tattle. Wider cultural interests.

Well, what if your wider cultural interest

is hate-jerking to Instagram? Just asking for a friend.

Ooh, me! She's talking about me.

FRANCIS: What else? Oh, two drinks maximum.

Not big drinkers.

That's okay. Nobody here has any glaring substance abuse issues

that almost brought down the company, right?

Tom, we may have to shake you up a little, push you around a bit.

- Uh-huh? - GERRI: They hate ATN,

- they hate our papers. - LOGAN: You're the strawman

for the sins of ATN. Cane your haunches a bit, okay?

Okay. Uh-huh. Could we--Could we may--perhaps--

- put the responsibility on Syd? - No, no, no, no.

I know what you're saying, but no. We, uh...

We need to wear the hair shirt, call you a shitbag,

and say that we never watch. Right?

Okay. Got it. Hair shirt.

LOGAN: Rhea and I will handle the big picture.

Uh, remind me again, does Rhea work for the company?

Uh, remind us, do you?

I'm just asking if we really wanna entrust

the fate of our company to another company's CEO.

- We can trust Rhea. - SHIV: Okay. We don't know Rhea.

- I know Rhea. - Who the fuck is Rhea?

- SHIV: Exactly. - Guys, what dad is saying

is, just know your role and execute, okay?

Well, my worry is that Kendall

may come across as too cool and likable.

LOGAN: Thanks for all your help.

We need this. Bagging Pierce is the key to our proxy defense.

And the defense is life itself. See you at Plymouth Rock.

- You okay. - Yeah. An hour late,

and make no secret where you've been.

- KENDALL ROY: Yeah, we're good. - And, uh,

keep clean this weekend, eh, killer?

- ROMAN: Richard... - (ELEVATOR DINGS)

- Oh! Sorry about it. After you. - No, please.

Yep. Chivalry is not... You know. (MUMBLES)

- Shit before the shovel. - ROMAN: Allow me to be the shit.

- LOGAN: Pinkie! - SHIV: Yeah.

Let them take care of the bottom-feeders.

- We work on Nan. - Uh-huh. Okay.

- Good cop, misogynist cop? - Ah, well, sure.

You know, the woman thing? (CHUCKLES)

- (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Well, yeah. - They like your politics.

Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah.

I know you don't like this buy.

No, no, I--You know, I can see the logic. Yeah.

- I guess. - Good, good.

Anyway, my baby soon.

Hmm.

So, how's it going? The course?

Oh. Um, it's actually, you know, I mean, it's bullshit,

but it's good. Yeah.

Ah, well, I'm proud of you, son. Getting back in there.

Thank you, Dad.

But this weekend, don't mention it.

Sounds like you're back in business kindergarten.

Right. Thank you.

Everybody smile.

- I am smiling. - Yeah, not like a pervert.

ROMAN: Wow, Jesus. Check out fucking Papa Smurf.

Oh, this is too fucking weird already.

- (LAUGHS) - NAN PIERCE: St. Francis of Assisi!

Are you ready for the rummage sale?

(LAUGHS) You've brought me animals!

Oh, welcome to Ternhaven, our city on the hill.

- Nan Pierce. - LOGAN: Pleasure.

I suppose you've been waiting for this moment

for quite a while, haven't you, greedy-guts?

- (LAUGHS) Well... - (LAUGHS) Teasing. Teasing!

Well, uh, thank you for inviting us to your home.

Well, I think we're gonna have fun getting a look

at all of you, won't we?

Uh, Nan, stop blabbing and let us at the canapés!

(LAUGHTER)

Come, come homeward. Promises to keep,

and miles to go before we sleep. (LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SHIV: Hello, lovely to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.

MARNIE PIERCE: Connor, I'm Marnie. Very nice...

CONNOR ROY: Pleasure.

- MARNIE: Welcome. - RHEA JARRELL: Nice to meet you.

GABRIEL PIERCE: Gabriel. Nice to meet you.

SHIV: Shiv.

- EDUARDO: Hello, Eduardo - SHIV: We've met before.

LOGAN: So, how are we looking?

Issue?

RHEA: Naomi has flown in from Marin, which is...

a nice surprise.

What does that do to the math, then?

Does she--Does she have a share? What does it mean?

RHEA: Well, it complicates it.

So, why wasn't I prepared for this?

Um... Because it's not my fucking job?

- And ask your people? - So?

RHEA: She usually sits these things out.

- She has major juice with Nan. - Could we do it without Nan?

- Marnie! - MARNIE: Yes?

RHEA: Hey. You, me and a martini, now!

- Oh, yes! - (RHEA LAUGHS, MURMURS)

- (PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Um... Oh.

Oh... Penis cat.

ROMAN: Mm. "This wine is triumphant"?

- GERRI: Uh... - ROMAN: No?

- "Your vagina trumpets." - GERRI: Shh.

It's, uh, "I triumph in the truth."

Oh! Right, of course, truth. Love it. It's the best, right?

Truth. He seems cool.

Everyone. I promise not to interrupt your tipple for long,

but I just wanted to take a brief moment

to welcome you to our funny little house

and to let our guests know

that what you're drinking is Hank Pierce's Break Bumper!

ALL: The Break Bumper!

The recipe is still, and no-one believes,

from the wallet of Teddy Roosevelt's valet.

- (NAN LAUGHS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- NAN: Cheers, everyone. Cheers. - ALL: Cheers.

NAN: Welcome.

- MARK PIERCE: Oh. - NAN: Mm! So...

Yeah, I'm actually getting my second PhD right now in...

- Oh! - ...Africana Studies from Brown.

Wow! So you'll be a double doctor?

(LAUGHS) Well, the second PhD is much harder.

Yeah, five years is an absolute gauntlet.

SHIV: Oh, I'm sure. But just think, yeah,

once you're done, you won't have to waste the twelve seconds

it takes to look up something on Wikipedia.

- (TOM LAUGHS) - SHIV: But seriously, though,

you know, well done. It's quite an achievement.

MARK: Yeah, thank you.

- Connor Roy! - Mm-hmm.

- Maxim Pierce. (LAUGHS) - Hi.

- The man who would be king, hmm? - (LAUGHS)

Don Quixote of Iowa, tilting at straw polls!

Yep. I've got a big old tent, and everyone's welcome.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- So, uh, are you in politics? - Sort of. Brookings Institute.

Ah, Brookings! Yes, of course, a fine, elite establishment.

Oh, I didn't take you for a fan! I thought you were on the whole

"abolish the federal reserve," "fluoride is poison,"

pissing in jars end of things.

Uh, no, I'm actually on the liberty and justice for all

end of things, but hey, different strokes!

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

ROMAN: Mm. Here comes Ken. Spiraling down.

(LAUGHS) Uh, Rom, you remember Naomi?

Ah! Yeah, that's right! From the--From the thing.

- TABITHA: Yeah. - NAOMI PIERCE: Oh, the thing.

Where you tried to order my family's legacy

over the phone, like an Uber Eats.

- Of course. - (CHUCKLES) Burn.

- NAOMI: How are you? - That's the thing.

Uh, you know, I'm well. I'm very well.

I'm working real hard, you know.

- Yeah? Hmm. - Yeah, no. Not at all, really.

Maybe. Who knows.

What he meant to say is that he's really passionate

about maintaining the integrity of the customer-facing brands.

- Wow. - (TABITHA LAUGHS)

NAN: You have an interesting family.

LOGAN: Yeah, I apologize for the lateness of my son.

- Oh, well. - He's been volunteering.

Really? That's impressive.

He has the time, even in the teeth of a takeover battle?

- Well... - He's very capable.

- A lot of bandwidth. - (MARCIA LAUGHS)

Oh, it's wonderful to have such bandwidth,

after everything that... You know.

Uh... No, thank you, I'm...

Rosa! Rosa, have a drink with us.

Oh, I have to finish the dinner, Miss.

NAN: No, I know, but just-- just one. You can take a break,

- can't you? - But dinner.

Well... All right. All right. You never treat yourself.

LOGAN: Ah. Kendall!

Hi! You made it! (LAUGHS) Ah, we missed you, son.

KENDALL: Thanks, Dad. Yeah. I, uh... missed you too.

Uh, are you all right for targeting Peter?

Uh, you know, shove a bar of gold down his fucking throat?

Yeah, sure. Got it. Good.

(TAPPING GLASS)

LOGAN: Pardon me, um... As my family knows

only too well, I am... I ain't no master of the speechifying,

but I would, uh... I would just like to thank the Pierces

for their hospitality. Um... Like Romans amongst you Greeks,

I'm sure you find us all rather, you know, big, vulgar,

and boisterous. (CHUCKLES)

We... We appreciate your forbearance.

And, uh, well, you know, as an old news man,

I'd be remiss if I... if I didn't commend all of you

for your stewardship of PGM, because wherever we are

on the political spectrum, we can all agree,

for decade after decade,

your outlets have been essential

to the functioning of our grand republic.

- Long may they so remain. - SHIV: Hear, hear.

- NAN: Hear, hear. - ALL: Hear, hear.

He would like to kill and shit on you!

(LAUGHS)

Wow, I like this Dad. Why couldn't this Dad be Dad?

Eh. You clean up nice.

How are you?

Uh... I'm good. Good.

How are you really?

Um... Uh... You know.

Yeah, I know. I know. It's good to see you.

- We could use the help. - Oh, "we"?

Mm-hmm. You, them, us. Whatever.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

ROMAN: I think it's great. Of course it's going well.

I mean, no-one's fucked Nan or killed her cat by accident,

so I think we're doing pretty good.

- LOGAN: Yeah, I know, I know. - ROMAN: Have you seen that guy?

Excuse me.

What the fuck did you say to Mark?

- Making cracks about his PhD? - Well, it was a joke!

- He laughed. - FRANK: Yeah, it seemed

- he did not enjoy that. - He's a yes, Shiv! He's solid!

Why are you even bothering with him?

- Have we lost sight of Maxim? - Who's on Maxim?

Me, and I just have to say, if he contradicts

any more planks in my political philosophy,

I'm gonna piss in his Break Bumper.

Hey! Hey, he's leaning "no sale".

Cut the horseshit, know your role.

- Yeah, Pa. - LOGAN: And, uh, Shiv,

I want you on Nan.

Okay, Dad, we don't have to be so schematic.

LOGAN: Romulus.

When you laugh, please do it at the same volume

as everyone else.

We didn't get you from a hyena farm.

- Thanks, Pop. - The good news is that Nan

already seems to be spending the money in her head,

but she can still be swayed by her family,

so every cousin counts.

Oh, I think Marnie might be leaning "sell", so--

Marnie isn't a problem. Now, everybody,

stay in your lanes. Who's on Peter?

Yeah, I got it, Dad.

Oh, oh, you got it? I'm so impressed. Shut up.

Okay, a bit of Lincoln Center chat, okay?

He's worried that we're barbarians.

- And Naomi. - ROMAN: Yeah.

- Hit Naomi! - Got it.

ROMAN: Okay, onwards.

SHIV: Can't stand up to Maxim?

ROMAN: Tabs, you gonna help me on that?

- He's an asshole! - SHIV: What part of your policy

- was he "not right now"? - CONNOR: No, no, no, no, no.

No, everything. He's dismissing.

- Well, nice work so far. - MARCIA: Merci beaucoup.

I'm very excited to be getting top marks

along with your other pupils.

(INDSITNCT CHATTER)

MAXIM: ...conservative, or are they...

ROMAN: Excellent work. Thank you so much.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

TABITHA: Yeah. How many breakers you had?

MAN: Whoa, whoa!

- (APPLAUSE) - CONNOR: Bravo.

NAN: Oh, stop!

Now...

Grace.

(NAN CLEARS HER THROAT)

I'm afraid we've gone so Unitarian out here

that we've given up on poor Jesus,

and we have started worshipping Shakespeare!

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Your scepter.

(INHALES) Hmm.

The purest treasure... mortal time affords

is spotless reputation.

That away, men are but gilded loam,

or painted clay.

Mine honor is my life; both grow in one.

Take honor from me, and my life is done.

- MAN: Wow. - (APPLAUSE)

NAN: Soup's on, people.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, that was awesome.

- I'm Kendall. - I know. Naomi.

Yeah, I know.

So, uh, are you, like, a...

- an actress or like a poetess? - NAOMI: Oh... (LAUGHS)

Or something? Because that was pretty legit.

Oh, I, uh, volunteer

at a drug addiction treatment center in Mill Valley,

and I continue my recovery there as well.

Oh. Oh, wow. That... That's great. I...

Yeah, I'm actually in recovery myself.

- I know. - Okay. (CHUCKLES)

My not-so-spotless reputation precedes me.

- (LAUGHS) No, I could just tell. - KENDALL: Really?

Oh, okay. Right.

I'd like to have three novels and a memoir going at once.

- It's like natural selection. - Oh, brother, I hear that.

- Are you a reader? - Me? Oh, big time. Yeah.

Can you recommend anything that Oprah isn't pushing?

- Any new fiction? - (LAUGHS) Right?

Oh! Uh, yeah, sure, I can. Um...

I rather enjoyed The Electric Circus.

- The Electric Circus. - Mm-hmm.

- MARNIE: Who's the author? - What was that? What?

- Who's the author? - ROMAN: Oh! Oh, gosh.

I wanna say... Shit. Who was it? It was, oh... Timothy Lipton.

SHIV: Uh-huh? What's it about? Rom?

Uh, what's The Electric Circus about?

- Uh-huh. - It is about a young man

making his way through the world,

except in two different time periods.

It kind of switches back and forth between--

The circus part is a, you know, metaphor.

For what?

ROMAN: For the anxiety of modern life, Siobhan.

MARNIE: I'm not seeing it on Google.

You said it's called "The Electric Circus"?

Yeah. I thou--I mean, shit. Is it The Electric Circus?

Well, I think it's called...

CONNOR: That's all very interesting, but let's just

- agree to disagree, shall we? - Sure! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Well, that's just the sort of expert analysis

I'd expect from a deep-state wonk with both lips

firmly glued to the Soros teat.

Oh, well, you can't change Washington

without knowing Washington

I mean, can you name me

one member of the House Commerce Committee?

Oh, uh, yeah, I think I know one.

Uh, Representative Ferdinand D. Who-Gives-A-Shit

from the great state of No-One-Fucking-Cares.

Well, I'm convinced. I mean, clear some space

on Mount Rushmore, folks! (LAUGHS)

CONNOR: Yeah, yeah, well...

NAN: I actually thought you said the wrecking ball.

(LAUGHTER)

(DISTANT LAUGHTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SHIV: I just wanted to say, I'm, uh...

What you're doing, the PhDs, I think it's great.

- I'm sorry if I... - MARK: No, no! It was a hit,

- a very palpable hit! - (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) I can take a joke.

Oh, right. Because it was a joke. (LAUGHS)

Of course.

Are you pleased to be out of politics, Siobhan?

Oh, yes, I am. I'm getting over it like a nasty stomach bug.

- Mm-hmm. - It can be a dirty business.

Made dirtier by a certain cable news behemoth.

- Oh, come on, Rhea, let's play nice now. - RHEA: Oh?

We can discuss the white nationalist elephant in the room, can't we?

Tug on its trunk a bit?

I'm not operationally involved.

(LAUGHS) Come on.

No, no, no, I let my people do their own thing.

I mean, if you... If you wanna talk ATN, you know,

Tom's the barbarian.

(LAUGHS) Hi, hello, I'm the... right-wing ogre at your service.

(LAUGHTER)

NAOMI: Wait, you don't even believe your own stuff?

Well, I've always wanted to balance Waystar's portfolio

with, um...

with... voice...

- From the left? - Well, no. Pierce isn't...

Your people just follow the truth, wherever it leads, right?

Oh, well, you know, our people are just hacks.

- (LAUGHTER) - Oh!

- But we like 'em. - Come on! (LAUGHS)

I mean, I guess our--our people

try to follow the truth, too, Shiv.

You give them what they need, we give them what they want.

We make a good match.

Of course. Right. No, Dad--

I think we, Dad, just wants a bigger tent, a bigger pie.

It means more profit,

and then more investment.

So, I suppose that just makes me a prim little matron,

if I object to being fumbled

by the invisible hand of the market?

- Th--That's--No.

That's not what I meant. I--

Sure, a fair exchange isn't exactly robbery,

and money does allegedly make the world go round, so--

Money? Money is a social construct,

whereas virtue, integrity,

these things actually exist.

Well, the--Just--Well, because just this morning,

I went to the store, and I bought a pound of ham,

and I paid for it by, you know,

telling them I was really worried

about the environment.

(LAUGHTER)

SHIV: Don't mind Tom, he finds other people's integrity

a personal affront, for some reason.

(LAUGHS) Well, yes, that's-- Thank you, I'm a piece of dirt.

- (LAUGHTER) - Oh, yep. Yep. I'll take it.

SHIV: Right! (LAUGHS)

Wait a minute, but Tom, Tom, if there was an acquisition,

then, as head of news,

you would be the guy in charge of our crown jewels, right?

Oh, well, we'd have to see about that.

Ooh! Hear that, Tom?

Sounds dicey. Got a pitch?

Tom, everything rests on what you're about to say.

- (LAUGHTER) - NAN: Oh, lay off him!

Oh, wait a minute, though. I didn't hear.

So, would he stay on as the head of news?

- I-- - Ooh, king of edible leaves,

His Majesty, the spinach.

Look, I just, uh... I think there's...

The business, the journalistic values...

- Mm-hmm. - There's a lot of admirers in this family. That's all.

Uh, like all recent converts, Shiv is a zealot.

TOM: (LAUGHS) I think what we can all agree on is that

it's great for people to communicate, of whatever stripe.

I think it was Thoreau who said of the telegraph,

"Maine may speak to Texas, but what if they have nothing

- to say to one another? - (LAUGHTER)

That should be engraved into the bezel of every iPhone

- in the world. - NAN: Oh!

- Hear, hear! The bezel. - Have you spoken to Shirley?

I'm so sorr--Will you excuse us for two seconds? I'm so worried

- about our--It's a-- - SHIV: Our dog, Mondale.

It's a dog thing. So silly. Sorry to--

SHIV: Is very ill at the moment.

TOM: Arthritis. We think it's arthritis.

- NAN: So sorry. - TOM: His hips.

SHIV: Excuse us. Sorry.

They have a dog. A dog named Mondale.

- PETER: Oh! - That's helpful, right?

PETER: Yeah, it is.

This is--This is what happens. You get given the keys

to the castle, and then you get paralyzed, staring into the eyes of the cobra.

You're riding me pretty hard in there.

- (SIGHS) - You think I should

- fight back more? - You know, and then,

he smells the vacillation, and then he's just--

He's got you. You're done. He's juiced another lemon.

It would be nice if you stopped beating up on me too.

- What? - Maybe you could stop

- beating up on me too. - What? What do--

That's just nothing. That's silly.

- What--No-one cares. - Well, technically, I care.

- I care. - Well, sometimes you say

stupid things. You know, he's got me second-guessing myself.

I'm wavering on the best strategy for landing a deal that I don't even like.

- I really want this! - I know.

Really, I wanna be sitting at that table.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - (BREATHES TREMULOUSLY)

Listen to me.

You are sitting at the table.

You are.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

I'm good. Mm-hmm. Let's go.

TABITHA: They're trying to adopt. You know, the list is,

like, insane, so I'm thinking, like, if they can't have a baby

in six months, I'm just gonna, you know, offer them my womb.

Why not? I'm young, I'm hardy.

MARNIE: I have a friend who did that. It was so great.

- TABITHA: Mm. - Uh, but if it's not too rude to ask, then what about you two?

TABITHA: Oh, you mean us having a baby? No, we're not planning

- to have a baby, because... - Oop.

...that would require us having sex.

- Whoa! Hey now. - PETER: I'm so sorry.

- I don't mean to pry. - Oh, yes you did.

No, no, no, no. It's totally fine. That's just--

That's, like, not how we do it. It's not our thing.

We're kind of like eunuch besties.

- Well, I wouldn't say that. - It works for us.

It's a joke, obviously. She's kidding. We're actually

quite relentless in that regard. Just Fuck City.

- (PUNCHES PALM) - Bingo, bango, bongo.

TABITHA: Anyway, you don't have any kids, right?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Refreshed? - Oh? Uh...

Yeah. Yep, you bet.

NAN: Marcia, so, so tell me. You--You grew up in Beirut.

What was that like?

LOGAN: Well, she--She doesn't really like to talk about it.

Or you don't like to ask about it.

Well, um... when we first met, the first or second night,

we stayed up all night, um...

And she told me her whole life story.

If I had a year, I couldn't tell you my whole life.

- LOGAN: Uh-huh. Fine. - Interesting.

Another glass for both of you?

Well, now, we tend to kind of keep it to--

Yes, thank you.

LOGAN: Excuse me?

His cellar is all New World, and it doesn't suit me.

Well, why didn't you say?

It suits you, so it can suit me. See? I'm not a difficult person.

- Uh-huh. - NAN: Well, as long as

the fat is being chewed, I suppose I would be remiss

not to mention that you're being targeted

for acquisition yourself, correct?

Oh, oh, that. Well, that's--

(CHUCKLES) You know, that's all over.

- Well, alas. - Sandy's not well.

Syphilis, if you can believe it.

LOGAN: Uh. I... Yeah. I never...

I never believed that the takeover bid

- was real to begin with. - Hmm. A Potemkin pillage.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, look, I have to ask. The internal differences.

- Have they been smoothed over? - Oh, very much so.

And any thought given to whom you might hand over the keys?

Why, Madam, that is very forward.

And you're no fun.

We're all friends here now, aren't we?

Well, uh...

Gerri is on the paperwork as a stopgap,

but even she'd be the first to admit that she couldn't

really do the job.

Well, maybe the second to admit.

(LAUGHTER)

Uh... There is a name.

But, you know, I really don't like to deal in hypotheticals.

Ooh. He's an enigma.

- LOGAN: Well, one day. - RHEA: What a tease, folks.

- Just whisper it in my ear. - You know, I'll start to think

I'm not wanted.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING) Just... You can...

Well, you know, uh...

Oh, for fuck's sake, Dad, just tell them it's gonna be me.

- NAN: Is that so? - That is so.

- Roman, what's happening? - Mm. My life just ended.

It's been discussed, um, but I don't think we're quite

- at the point where, uh-- - No, not any time soon.

We've, uh... We've discussed the transition

- and some arrangements. - We won't bore you.

No! (LAUGHS) But I though we could tell you all, though,

as friends.

PETER: Yeah. You know, maybe this dinner

was a little bit premature. Seems like you guys

are still working some things out.

No, no, Peter, don't worry, this is just family hijinks,

- as usual. We're good. - Is that true?

(SHOUTING) Will you stop? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Well, anyway, I, um... I was just thinking,

it is such a beautiful, clear night out. Uh...

- Mark... - MARK: Huh.

- NAN: Mark? - I said, "Huh." (CHUCKLES)

Would you like to guide us on a little after-dinner stargaze?

Uh, stargaze? I would love to show you our little corner

- of the sky. (LAUGHS) - NAN: (LAUGHS) Marvelous.

Boots for everyone, not to worry.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- TABITHA: Mm. Did you know? - Uh, no. No, I did not know.

(FLICKING GLASS)

Shall we?

(SHIV BREATHING HEAVILY)

Keep in mind that I got my PhD at Columbia in '89,

so I'm not what Whitman would call a "learned astronomer."

(LAUGHS)

MARK: Right? No, but--So, I wish I could show you through, uh...

Through a telescope, but our naked eyes...

- Having fun? - Oh, sure.

- I am having fun. - NAOMI: (SCOFFS) Me too.

- KENDALL: You too? - Watching you people melt down

is the most deeply satisfying activity on planet Earth.

Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.

- Thank you. - Sure. You got it.

We, uh... We aim to please.

No, I... feel quite redundant.

I mean, I came here to fuck any deal, but...

it seems you all have just fucked it yourselves, so...

So...

are you gonna ask me?

Ask you what?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Would you like to do some illegal drugs with me?

- Yes, I would. - Good. This way.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SHIV: Okay, goodnight.

TOM: (BREATHING HEAVILY) Jeepers-fucking-creepers,

what a shit-piñata. That was like...

That was like the most Roy thing I have ever seen.

It's like I got a quart of Roy injected into my eyeballs.

- (GRUNTS) Is there booze? - Are you kidding?

No, it's just Emily Dickinson and low-thread-count sheets.

- Shiv, what-- - (SIGHING)

What even was that? Explain the chess move.

I--I don't know. I just-- I just--I just fucking said it.

- You just said it? No plan? - No, not really. I...

I guess I thought, you know, "Fuck him.

Fuck him for stringing me along!"

Just, you know, shit or get off the pot.

Right. Right?

But, you know, I guess I didn't really think that so much as...

As, you know, just... Oh, Jesus Christ, my head.

Because I'm not sure how much love there is for me

in a--as a sort of independent-of-you

sort of person. You know?

(SIGHS) Yeah, my dad doesn't really like to be pushed.

- No. - No, so there could be repercussions.

- Like what? - Yeah, like, uh...

I don't know, just like...

Like if, uh, I've fucked it.

- You've fucked it? - (PUTS BRACELET DOWN)

Right.

Right.

- (SNORTS) - (GULPS)

I used to be a maniac.

A beast, but... It's a different situation for me now.

Right. (LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- You should hear yourself. - Screw you.

- Yeah. - Okay?

- (SNORTS) - But there are levels.

Sure. No, it's true. Yeah, I mean, I was basically

hanging by a fucking thread.

I'm coming through, you know?

- Like, I'm getting it together. - Mm-hmm.

(SNIFFS) Yeah, me too.

- I know how that sounds, but... - (LAUGHS)

...it's true.

(LAUGHS)

I can't even...

TABITHA: Those stars were amazing.

Can't even brush my fucking teeth now.

Such a fun weekend you brought me on.

Well. Am I stupid? Am I a fucking idiot? Am I stupid?

- Ro? - Yeah.

- I--I have a meeting on Monday. - Uh-huh.

You know? And so I'd just, like... I really wanna

deal with all your neuroses and talk about it

and everything, but if you're gonna get kind of crazy...

- Mm-hmm. - ...I might just see if Naomi

would let me, you know, crash in her bed.

- All right. Let's fuck. - Yeah, totally.

We do the sex so well, so, that's a great idea.

All right, come on. Come here, you hot fucking piece of shit.

- (LAUGHING) Okay, okay, easy! - (MOANS)

- Easy there, wolfman. - Sorry.

- TABITHA: (LAUGHING) Oh, Jesus! - ROMAN: That was awesome.

- I'm so fucking good at this. - TABITHA: Christ!

- Oh! - ROMAN: Sorry.

- It just was like... - I know.

...really squeezing hard with your finger.

- It was really sexy. - (LAUGHS)

- Oh, how I just took you. - (LAUGHS)

That was great. Um, do you-- Do you wanna, though? Can we--

Do you wanna?

- Okay. - Yeah.

Do I want to... make love with me?

No. Wow. (GRUNTS)

Hey, hey. I'm not, uh...

I'm not uninterested in solving you.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm. Yes.

Do you think there's a way that we can, like...

make it kinda like wrong?

(NAOMI LAUGHING)

(KENDALL SCREAMS)

(NAOMI SQUEALS)

NAOMI: Chopper ahoy.

- Oh, shit! (LAUGHS) - (KENDALL GRUNTS)

Show me what you got!

- (SIGHS) - (KENDALL GROANS)

- Okay. - Mm!

Altimeter is go. Wiggle--Wiggle stick, twisty stick is go.

- The throttle... - NAOMI: Oh!

Turbo throttles. We gotta put these on.

- Spinny-spinny, chicken dinny! - (NAOMI LAUGHS)

NAOMI: You don't know what you're doing!

- Holy fuck! - (GASPS)

- KENDALL: Uh... - NAOMI: Wait.

- (KENDALL LAUGHS) - No.

- (MUTTERING) - NAOMI: No, no! Abort!

Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.

We're good. I'm good. We're okay. We're okay.

Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

- We're good. That's good. - (LAUGHS)

There's just a slight technical issue

with what I like to call the spriller.

- The spinner? - The spinner.

You're such a little nothing, aren't you?

Uh-huh. Maybe.

Uh--I don't--I'm just-- I'm just gonna put the light on.

ROMAN: Oh, don't--Okay, I wish you didn't do that. That's--

I know, I just-- I'm a person who needs, like...

- Tabs, you're meant to be dead. - ...visual stimulation

- to get into it, so... - I know, I get that, but I--

That will help us, I promise you.

What about my needs? But don't--

Sure. I thought we could just, like, try. You could just

- keep your eyes closed-- - Yeah, but you shouldn't be

turned on, because dead women aren't wet.

- Um... - Right, okay, um...

- Kinda ruining the realism. - So... Let me just...

- Ow. - Okay, okay.

You want it to seem like I'm dead,

- and you're raping me? - I don't want to get into

a semantic arg--Oh, my God, no. It's just gonna be a little less

like, "Sex, yay!"

Yeah, I--I--

Mm, I think maybe the morgue is closing for the night.

Okay. It's just, I'm--I'm just saying, if we, like,

politely agree on a wrong thing, then it's no longer wrong.

I mean, I'm--That's just like basic boner arithmetic.

I just--Yeah, no, thank you for that lesson,

Professor Can't-Fuck. I'm, uh... I'm gonna go in here,

and, you know, if you hear my electric toothbrush

for a little too long, it's because I'm masturbating, so...

Okay. Thank you.

NAOMI: When I had my, um, big...

My... biggest crackup...

My mom died.

And I couldn't get from South Africa to this,

and you people and your fucking tabloids

just, like, all the time pushing it and selling it,

until I put a cherry on top and... (LAUGHS)

...I... wrapped my fucking Audi around a highway divider.

So, yeah. Fuck you. Fuck your people,

and fuck your peace pipe.

You know what the funny thing is, though?

That my wrist will never fully heal?

Or there's photos of me caked in blood with my femur

- poking out? - We all have something, right?

This deal isn't gonna change all that.

- I mean, all I would say is-- - Oh, you've got it all sorted.

Don't block your own escape.

Just imagine getting out from under all this.

Right? You can take the money...

and you can just get the fuck out.

And then what?

Then, you're free.

Psst!

- Hi. - Good God.

I was hoping we could touch base about my entire future

being Hindenburged. (SIGHS) Oh, the Romanity.

Come in or fuck off. This is loitering.

You know, I'm not available 24 hours a day like an ATM.

- Did you know about Shiv? - No.

I mean, I didn't know-know, but...

Anybody who wasn't a fucking moron would've figured it out.

Yeah, got it. Do you have any booze.

Here you go.

ROMAN: Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thanks. If you have any, uh... Mm.

Suggestions for what I should do for the rest of my life,

I'm all ears.

Well, I'm getting great reports from the training program.

No shit! Amazing! Yes! Fuck yeah! Training program!

Mm! Maybe one day, I can be in charge of making

the rolly-coaster go... (IMITATES ROCKET BLAST)

Alright, drink up because, you know, it's bedtime.

- Let's go. - Okay. Mm!

Unless you wanna schedule one of our special conference calls

for, say, right now?

- Excuse me? - Hi.

- Wait, is that why you're here? - Mm-mm. No. I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. No.

Jesus Christ.

Roman, this is unacceptable.

This is completely inappropriate.

- Yeah? - What would your family say

if they knew you were here?

Oh, well, my family jimmy-fuck-corn,

- and I don't care. - Yeah, but you do care.

- No. - Yeah, I know you do.

And they would be ashamed of you, and rightly so.

Okay, I'm very sorry, Gerri how are you--

No, you don't get to speak.

You have always been a disappointment,

but this is just... You have gone beyond the pale.

- I have? - Oh, yeah.

You know what you are?

What am I?

You're a sick fuck. You're a sick fucking animal.

- Yeah? - Yeah, don't look at me.

Get in that bathroom. Now!

Go on.

And you will stay in there

until you have done something with yourself.

You have a problem, Roman.

A revolting problem in your head.

This is why you'll never be anything but a disgrace,

a rotten little nothing. Jesus Christ, you are

- a classic fuckup, Roman. - (ROMAN PANTING)

GERRI: What are we gonna do about you?

What if they could see you now?

- Oh, my God. - (ROMAN MOANS)

So did anybody--Uh, anybody get into any fun last night, or...?

- Um... - Fun?

I jerked off in Gerri's bathroom last night.

- TABITHA: Hmm. - Yeah.

- So classy of you. - KENDALL: Morning.

It's okay. Don't worry about it. It was actually her idea.

Think it really got the old gal's juices flowing.

Even as a joke, that is a stomach-turning thought.

(TABITHA LAUGHS)

NAN: ...about the family dynamic of, I think he

wants to be successor. (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Con. I was just getting a headcount.

Did it blow up with Maxim?

A little. But then we cracked open a bottle of port... (LAUGHS)

- and, uh, I, um... I'm not sure. - (LAUGHS) What happened?

Uh... I got tipsy and I offered him the State Department?

- Good? - Yeah.

Good.

So, the family had a closed-door meeting this morning.

- Uh-huh. Bad or good? - I'm sorry, but, uh...

I'm blind on this one too. You know, I...

I thought you'd have more time, and I thought I could get in

and waggle the old screwdriver, but, uh, she doesn't always

listen to me.

- So? - But Nan would like to meet

you, Marcia, Gerri, Shiv, Kendall after breakfast.

Relax. It's only life or death.

Please, take a seat. (CLEARS THROAT)

Is Marcia coming?

LOGAN: Uh, she's gone for a walk.

She is a credit. A lot of men in your station,

they go for, uh, a certain... type.

Anyway, we all managed to get through an evening

pleasantly enough. That's not why we're here, is it?

No, it's not.

NAN: I have no illusions about who Logan Roy is.

Who his children are. I'm not an idiot.

Well, something has to be done. Eight straight quarters

of losses is a hard truth, and we can't do good news

- without deep pockets. - Uh-huh.

Call me a romantic, but I happen to believe that the presence

of Pierce news cameras was what stopped certain East German

border guards from opening fire in 1989.

We helped take down that wall.

Yes.

Commendable.

You may not believe that, but I do.

Now, here we are.

On the one hand, I do not like you very much.

And I do not like your politics.

On the other hand, I had a conversation this morning

with my cousin Naomi, and she believes that a sale

is the only way to ensure that Pierce Media can flourish.

And that may be where we are.

Rhea, what do you think?

I think... I think we're worth more.

We have made a very generous offer

in terms of market valuations.

- RHEA: Nevertheless. - I don't like to be squeezed.

- I thought we had a number. - Uh-huh.

Yeah. And, uh, I mean...

Hmm.

I could go to 25.

But it would have to be fast.

Then, in that case... with a certain heaviness

of heart, if I honestly had to say, from the family's

point of view...

yes.

(NAN CLEARS THROAT)

Very well. If we can clear up our ethical concerns,

I think we can talk.

We would like to retain some board seats,

and get ironclad editorial protections in place.

I think that could be hammered out.

- NAN: Also. - Also.

I think we would also like to have a conversation

about management.

- LOGAN: Uh-huh. - I won't have that man

overseeing our news. I'm sorry. It's just not tenable.

That won't be a problem.

NAN: More important, we would like you to publicly announce

a successor.

LOGAN: Mm-hmm.

And we would like the person you publicly announce

to be Siobhan Roy.

LOGAN: Well...

that's not quite how I do things.

Well, it will have to be, or there's no deal.

We want to announce the sale and Shiv at the same time,

because, frankly, she may be one of you, but she's young,

she's a woman, and her politics fit better with the core values

of our family business. So...

that's the offer.

Well, to be fair, you don't have an offer.

I have an offer.

And if I announce my daughter,

my daughter will be announced on my time.

NAN: Okay. Let me explain something.

- Oh, please. - You can't put a value

on what we do.

Funny. I have put a value on what you do.

Well, if you won't budge, then I'm afraid we have no deal.

Then we're done.

Uh...

Would you like to hear

my favorite passage from Shakespeare?

Take the fucking money.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What a weird family.

(LOGAN SIGHS)

(INHALES)

So, you wanna talk about it?

- You wanna say something, fine. - Uh... What happened?

LOGAN: Uh... (MURMURS)

Hmm. (GRUNTS)

- (YELLS) - SHIV: Jesus Christ, Dad!

- What? - It's dangerous!

- We good? - Drive your fucking whirly-bird!

Yeah? Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. (SCOFFS)

That's god-damn fucking right!

- Should we go? - SHIV: Yeah. He won't talk.

Let's have one more and we'll get out of here.

Hey, Richard. Ah! Oh, my God!

You guys! You g--You did it! That--Yeah, congratulations!

- ALL: Hey. - Hey.

- Yeah! - MARCIA: Hello, Greg.

Um, actually going by Gregory, now, but, uh... yeah.

No matter. (CHUCKLES) Uh, thank you, Richard.

- Wow. How are you, Marcia? - Good, thanks.

Good. And how--How was it? How wa--Was it awesome, or...?

Uh... Yeah, it was eventful.

KENDALL: Yeah, it was good. It was good.

Nice of you to come by, man.

GREG: No worries. This is huge for us! Um...

And this, like, saves us, maybe, from the takeover.

- LOGAN: Greg! - Hey! Gregory!

Have a drink, have a drink, you beautiful Ichabod Crane!

- Fuck you! (LAUGHS) - Yeah! (LAUGHS) Oh, wow.

Well, I j--I gotta say, well done. You won.

Yeah. Yeah. Money wins.

- Here's to us. - ALL: To us.

- KENDALL: To us. - TABITHA: To us.

(LOGAN EXHALES)