All language subtitles for Middle.Man.2016.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

All right. What's happened?

Everything?

This will only
take a minute, Mr. Freeman.

Uh, forget the mess.

My secretary's taken
the day off again.

Some hasidic holiday
or something.

It's a rosha... krishna...
Shanana... who the hell knows.

Anyhow, as you know,
your mother owed bad taxes,

so there's really nothing
to turn over

other than one ring,
emerald clad, platinum setting,

one box, cardboard variety,

containing her, mm...
"Most prized possessions."

Otherwise. The government's
got you by the flagpole,
Mr. Freeman,

and they usually win
in that tug of war.

Now, if you would press hard,

and bend it that way,
it's there, three copies,

right there, and right here,

and one more time.

And that's it.
Thank you, sir.

For your time,
for your business.

And for not blubbering
on the mahogany.

Oh, whoa!
Hold on a minute.

Looks like we got a floater.

It seems, Mr. Freeman,
that there is one bill

your dear old mama
did manage to pay off.

-hi, Rhonda.
-Hi, Lenny.

Sorry about your loss.

Um, before I leave, I just
wanted to say that it has been
so nice working with you

and I'm so sorry we never
got a chance to go out
on a date or anything

because you know, you always
were busy with relatives
in the town and stuff.

And I wanna thank you for
being my best work pal, Allen.

Look for me in television.

And now,
live from las Vegas,

it's the monte guy show.

Tonight's guests include
comedian Jimmy Shaw,

and the winner of last year's
stand-up stand-off Willy Vince.

Now, let's say hello
to monte guy.

-Hey, Shakespeare.
-Hmm?

You in for oxygen or
just another refill?

"No, thank you,
I've just about
milked the shit out of

or, "no, thank you,
I'm about ready to
order something

so I don't waste any more of
the lovely miss Evelyn's
valuable fucking time"?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, um, how are your eggs?

Just dandy.
How's your sperm?

It's a joke.
What, you zombie people
got no sense of humor?

I'm sorry. I just didn't
realize you were
trying to be funny.

I wasn't trying to be funny.
I am funny.

There's a difference.

Why don't you save your
negative commentary for
the shit on the menu?

Um, I will have three eggs.

Oh, and a side of sausage,
a side of bacon, and a side
of biscuits and gravy, please.

Would you like that for here
or to go?

It's a joke!

Hey, what are you
getting off for
my shit ain't funny?

I'll have you know my shit
is very funny.

Hey, Richie, tell the man
how funny my shit is.

Your shit is very funny.

What? You wanna be zombie
sides? Don't have pockets
or a sense of humor?

No, actually, I am
a stand-up comedian.

I mean, I will be soon.

That is the funniest shit
i had heard in weeks.

No, no, not yet, but I'm on
my way to las Vegas for
the monte guy audition.

-The what?
-The stand-up stand-off.

You know, monte guy.
- Huh.

Well, I'm sure he'll just snap
your writer's ass right up,

you being on the cutting cost
with contemporary comedy
and all.

That wasn't very nice.

Hey, you started it, pillsbury.

You sit there,
all rude and shit,

start pulling
an easter island on me.

where they'll be
more fully appreciated.
You hear that Richie?

-Okay, I said I was sorry.
-Too late.

Hey, Louis, three eggs,
and fuck 'em up.
And heavy on the cholesterol.

I got Bob hope out here
on the road to a coronary.

- George?
- Yes?

You're awfully funny
on the radio.

You're the funniest comedian in the world, George.
May I have your autograph?

- You wanted my autograph?
- - Yes.

Right here on this dotted line.

Oh, so that's
what you're up to,

trying to get my signature
on that silly contract.

Well, it didn't work.
Now get out of here.

Yes, dear.

-Costume party?
-Oh, no, thank you.

I'm on my way to las Vegas.

Either way, once you hit
lamb bone, just keep an eye
out for that heavenly glow.

-Can't miss it.
-Uh, thank you.

Is the bathroom clean?

Just ate dinner off the floor.

Hello?

Dirty guy?

Sorry, chief,
didn't mean to startle you.

Was wondering if you could
spare me a lift.

I'm sorry.
I'm not going that way.

How do you know?

-Know what?
-Where I'm going.

I just... I don't pick up
hitchhikers. It's just
something my mom used to say.

Sure, can't be too careful
these days, right?

Yeah. Well,
sorry I couldn't help.

Actually, you could help.
You just chose not to.

There's a difference.

No worries.

Always another way.

Well, okay, uh,
you should look me up,

if you're ever in las Vegas.

You famous?

Not yet, but I'm going to be.

Hey, you want a ride?

to let me take
his Oscar home so I could
show it to Rochester.

Hmm. Sure is dark tonight.

No moon.

Oh, well.

Hey, bud. Bud.

Huh?

You got a match?

Yes. Yes,
I have one right here

Don't make a move,
this is a stick-up.

Shut up.
I said this is a stick-up.

Now come on.
Your money or your life.

I already fixed this
for you once today.

I wish you'd learn to
take care of your shit.

Sorry.
As Luke 12:15 says--

Don't get patronizing
with me. I know what it says.

Look, bud, I said
your money or your life.

I'm thinking it over.

You're not gonna turn out to be
some kind of pervert, are you?

Oh, pervert?

No. Definitely not a pervert.

Well, I'd cross my heart
but my wife took that
along with the house.

Oh! Thanks, man.

Getting a little wet out there.

Woo!

This sure is one sweet bitch,
ain't she? What is she, a '52?

-A '53.
-Oh, nice.

I had this old Chevy once,

all done up spaccano style.

Fat tires, the works.

My wife used to accuse me of
loving that car more than her.

that's impossible.
I burned my dick
on the tailpipe."

I burned my dick
on the tailpipe.

-Did you have a name for it?
-What, my dick?

-No, your car.
-Oh, fuck, yeah, man.

Pinstriped right
across the side.

"Black magic."

Just like the old
Louis prima song.

My mother loved Louis prima.

Although, prima, he liked to
hunt the off-season beaver,

He had a bone for his
16-year-old backup singer

tell your mama that one.
That'll blow her skirt up.

She just passed away.

Look at that.
I've gone and offended you
with my off-colored dialog.

You know what, I don't even
deserve your generosity.

You can go ahead
and pull over right here

-there ain't no hard feelings.
-No, no, no.

I'm kind of relieved to
have somebody else
do all the talking actually.

I... I've never picked up
a hitchhiker before.

You ain't never picked up
a hitchhiker?

Jesus, don't I feel like
Hitler at passover.

You are truly
a selfless soul, my friend.

You know what, I actually
stopped because I was curious
when I saw your sign.

I mean, I guess I just... I...

Name's hitch.

That's my name, that's my game.

Uh, Lenny.

Where are you from,
"uh, Lenny"?

Peoria, Illinois.

How about you?

Oh, I'm from all over, I guess.

I've never been living
in one place for long.

Only time my old man
settles is when he paid off
his bar tab.

That is funny.

Could I use that?

Mi casa, su casa.

That's a shame, you being solo,

what with your dad dead
and no kin.

How did you know that?

Well, I just kind of assumed
that was the situation,

you know, you living
with your mom and all.

You thought I was a mind reader
there for a second, didn't you?
Made you nervous.

No, man,
i ain't no mind reader.

and that one up ahead that
you're about to blow through
says, "stop."

I'm taking near-death
experience over sex
any day of the week!

Woo!

You know what,
I'd like to buy you some food.

Would you like me
to do that, Lenny?

You don't mind if
i call you that, do you?

All right, you know what,
I'm gonna need you to
pull over right up in there.

Gonna make a withdrawal.

and I'm gonna leave my bag
in here with you 'cause
i trust you, Lenny.

Now don't go peeking
at my private parts.

Now you look to me like
someone who appreciates
a good laugh.

Now, please, stop me
if you heard this one before.

I've noticed you've got
a lot of old time comedy crap
in your car.

My mom and I used to
memorize routines together.

Mmm. Fun.

Eh, too bad no one wants
to hear that shit no more.

I don't know.
That material is classic.

Come on, Lenny. Wake up
and smell the headlines.

and they're the angry pricks
ranting about how fucked up
everything is.

The more filthy, the better.

I don't know.
I used to manage
a couple of jokers.

You did?

Always bitching about
how so and so ain't
as funny as they are,

so and so stole their material,
so and so blew so and so's gig
on monte guy.

I mean, who needs
that shit, right?

I guess.

Don't tell me.

You want to be
a stand-up, don't you?

I'm on my way to las Vegas
for the monte guy auditions.

Are you any good?

Well, my mother thought so.

I'm about a real audience.
You ever headline, or you
strictly a middle man?

Did you ever open for a group
of respirating humans and
make 'em laugh for money?

You mean, like on a stage?

Oh, no, no, no,
nothing like that.

Hey, how about you open for me?

But you'll have to
open real wide.

Don't mind him.
He thinks he's a comedian.

Yeah, I guess
your performance has been
pretty humorous lately.

That supposed to be funny?

Sorry.

Hey, more coffee?

Um, is he really a comedian?

Yeah, t-bird headlines
at the yuck stop.

They've got an open-mic
there every night, no cover.

along with most of
the people passing through
on their way to Vegas.

That is exactly where
we're headed, ain't that right?

Lenny here is
looking to be famous.

Oh, what a shame.
I was just starting
to like your friend.

Oh, boy.

She sure is pretty.

Here's your big chance, Lenny.

Oh, no, she would
never go out with me.

The open-mic, cabbage head.

Destiny is calling.
It's time to get up there
and shake your stuff.

No, no, no. I've got to
get to las Vegas.

I mean, if you wanna make
a complete ass of yourself

before the Caesar of comedy,
that's your business,

but believe you me,
i know the man,

you only get one shot
in front of monte.

This fucking thing
ate my money.

Well, maybe if
you ask real nicely,

the queen will
play us something.

Moi?

Thank you, everyone.

I'd be delighted.

This one's for you, grail baby.

so, you really think
i ought to try out
this open-mic thing?

Hey, man, it's your foreskin.

I just think you're nuts to
blow your load on monte

without trying out
your material on
some live cadavers, but...

Do what you want.

I ain't your manager.

But you could be.

You could be my manager, hitch.

Well, I don't know.
I mean, I like you.
I like you. I do.

It's just you're not exactly
cracking me up a mile a minute
over here, Lenny.

and if there's something
you don't like, then
you can punch it up.

Yeah, but see, it's just
not that simple, man.
You see...

Comedy is like sex, right?

What one person finds
enjoyable, another person
might find sick and disgusting.

I couldn't go into
a relationship in which
i didn't have complete trust.

Please, hitch.

I have dreamt about this
my whole life.

Well, I gotta warn you, Lenny,

I don't enter
into contracts lightly.

Oh, no, me neither.

No. Cross my heart.

Well, I know you got a mighty
big heart there, Lenny.

Looks like we got us
a contract.

Turn away from babylonia!

Evening, father Ricky.

Close the door before
you let the flies out.

There is a deceitful prince
upon us.

He will bring destruction
and despair

unto god's chosen people.

The time is at hand, babylonia.

Yes, the time is at hand!

See, these are the jokes
that got me banned
from the chuckle hut.

so she tells me
my material is offensive
to the women's movement.

The women's movement?
What the hell is that?

Bunch of broads get together
and take a dump?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm all about
female empowerment.

The fuck are you doing?

I don't understand
a fucking thing you just said.

Hey, thumb master,
how about that cocktail?

I said I'm going over
my routine.

Why don't you do it in
fu-ba-cking English?

Because this loosens my tongue.

If you want a loose tongue,
suck on this.

...gagging...

All right, all right.

How about a hand for
Mr. sensitive, t-bird!

All right, all right,
look alive.

It's time to switch over
to the open-mic portion
of the program.

Now listen, if any of
you jokers are thinking
about coming up here,

you make sure
you sign up on my list.

All right! Put your hairy palms
together for our first guest.

He comes to us
all the way from peoria,
wherever the fuck that is.

Welcome to the stage
Mr. Lenny Freeman.

Next.

Uh... uh...

-But you know what, I've--
-next!

Come on, man,
let's see some fucking comedy.

-I...Uh...
-Those jokes are so old,
they fart dust.

Get off the stage.

Oh, I think you
hurt his feelings, Tommy.

Get off the stage.
You suck.

You suck, you suck, you suck,

you suck, you suck, you suck,

you suck, you suck, you suck,

I hate him.

I hate him, and I know
it's wrong to, but I do.

And I wish...

I wish he was dead.

Ain't nothing wrong
with hate, Lenny.

No, no. Never hate or curse,
my mother always said.

You see... no, man, see...

Everyone's afraid to express
their real feelings.

Takes a real man
to admit to hate.

I mean, I have been
working hard all of my life

and then he had to
go and ruin it.

And I'll tell you this,
he ruined it for everyone.

Oh, there, there, Princess.

I mean, why would you go all
"you suck" like that?

Well, that's
an easy one, Lenny.
'Cause you do.

Oh, yeah, very funny.

No, man, I mean,
you suck real bad.

Real bad. I mean some people
just plain suck-suck, you take
sucking to a whole new level.

It's almost spiritual,
how amazingly you suck.

-Oh.
-That don't mean...

That we can't whip your ass
into shape for ol' monte.

Maybe I should just go home.

Oh, now cheer up, buckaroo.
You don't wanna let your dear
sweet mama down, do you?

The worst is over man.
You bombed.

So what, man, happens
to the best of them.

What's that old saying?
At first you don't succeed,
fuck 'em.

I don't know that one.

But you know what, Lenny,

you got to get mad.

You gotta get mad, and get
right back out there.

Example. It's like
I'm on the road, right?

some four-wheel double-engine
douchebag gives me
the "sorry, not today" salute.

You know what I do?
I get mad.

I get mad.

I think about all the things
I'd do to that first car if
i ever caught up with him.

I go over it and over it
in my mind. Every
teensy-weensy little detail.

The pressure on the ball
of my foot as I grind my boot
into his Adam's apple.

The look in his eyes
as I plunge my thumbs
in his sockets.

The snap, crackle, pop
of his skull as I crack it
open like a cantaloupe

and squeeze the life
out of his temporal lobe,

inch by inch by inch.

Killing is a sin.

Man, killing a man in
your mind ain't like killing
a man for real, Lenny.

It's like...

It's like therapy.

Trust me, little tune up...

You're gonna be
good as new.

Well, thanks, hitch.
I feel better.

I'm gonna go throw up now.

Yeah.

I hate him.

What are you looking at,
dick head?

Now, that's funny.

Aw, nuts.

What's the problemo?

I got a stupid flat tire.

Oh, I don't know, I'd be
happy to help you, Lenny,

but I ain't supposed to
be out in the sun.

Doctor's orders.

Besides, I should
probably get ready to puke here
in just a minute.

Okay, but don't mess up
my car, okay?

I just had everything taken...

Leonard, don't tell me
the spare is flat too.

Oh, boy.

What the hell did you do,
Lenny? I didn't mean for you
to kill the fucker.

I didn't. I don't...
I don't know. I...

He... he came out of the club,
and... and he was urinating
and I was regurgitating and...

-I don't remember!
-Hey!

Piss off! We're closed.

I'm just fixing a flat tire.
I'm leaving right now.

Oh, it's you.

You really sucked last night.

Yes, I know. Thank you!

Oh, hitch,
what am I gonna do?

I don't want to go to prison
and have sex with men.

You should have thought
of that before you decided

to play don't break the ice
with his head.

Please, hitch,
you gotta help me.

The things I do for my clients.

Come on.

fucking tragedy,
that's what it is.

Putting up another money trap
in the middle of all
this fucking beauty.

Not that I'm a big fan
of desert, mind you.

Too much sun,
and I'm a dead man.

Yep. Might burn like
a Salem witch.

I hate the fuckin' desert.

Still, it's a shame though,
ripping up a bunch of cactus
for some big neon igloo

filled with free cocktails,
silicon tits.

You know how many lives are
ruined by gambling every year,
statistically speaking?

A fucking lot.
That's how many.

Shits like cholesterol
gets in your arteries,
and you are fucked.

Except of course,
in gambling, you can
still eat bacon.

Aren't you listening?

I killed a person.

I... I killed him, and then
i cut him up...

And then I buried him,
and then I un-buried him...

Now I can't get rid of him
and I don't know what
I'm gonna do.

Well, if you'd stop
thinking about yourself for
a fucking nanosecond,

you'd see that
I'm over here trying to
draw situational analogies

to help you see that you're
not the only guy in the world
with fucking problems.

I'm sorry.

I know you're under a lot of
stress with this recent
dismemberment thing and all.

Oh, hey, what time is it?

Perfect. Gonna be back
just in time for open-mic.

Hey, you gotta trust me
now, Lenny. You gotta get
back up on that horse.

No, no, no. We gotta get
out of here. No, I have to
go on the lam.

-The lam?
-Yes. I have to...

Grow a beard, and I have to
drive to Mexico or something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Slow down there, Thelma.

You don't understand.
Hitch, I have never
been in trouble.

And now I'm in the worst
kind of trouble ever.

No, you ain't, Lenny.

-Yes, I am, hitch.
-No, you ain't.

-Yes, I am, hitch.
-No, you ain't, Lenny.

Okay.

Now you are.

Here. Let me see. Here.

Act natural.

I know what you're thinking.

Whether you're on 65 or 50,

well, to tell you the truth,
in all of this excitement,
i kinda forgot myself.

So you've got to
ask yourself one thing.

Do you feel lucky?

Well, do ya, punk?

All right.

Out of the car there, pilgrim.

Hands where I can see 'em.

Now I know this might
seem a bit odd, officer,

but the reason my friend
here is such a mess is
we were just--

you talkin' to me?

Well, you must be talkin'
to me. There isn't
anyone else here.

Let's see what's in the trunk.

Go ahead.

Make my afternoon.

Go ahead, Lenny.

Pop the trunk.

Just means we're gonna be
late for your performance.

That's right, officer.
My friend here is a performer,

and this is all
part of his routine.

Not that that should excuse us
from breaking the law.

Yes, indeed. Now... now,
if I'm not mistaken,

you got a little performer
in you yourself, don't you,
officer, uh, flick, is it?

You noticed, did you?

Hey, you know what,
i got a great idea.

How about you join us
as our guest tonight
at the club?

You see,
we're all true as toast.

'Course, we are
running a tad late.

Yeah.

Yeah. Don't get me started on
all that glass ceiling shit.

Women. They all wanna talk
about the glass ceiling. Don't
get ahead of yourself, okay?

Let's start small.
Let's talk about the glass
coffee table first.

That's where you're on top
and I'm underneath,
taking pictures.

Oh, you've got
a nice smile there.

Oh, I got a lil' smudge...

Oh, what, too far?

That was too far for you?
Okay, okay.

Hey, just so you ladies
don't think I'm a total cad,

I'm gonna buy one of you
a drink. Which one of you
wants a drink?

Yeah, I'll give you a...
I'll get you a nice
little drink here.

You know.

Oh, yeah.

You want some
of this, baby? Huh?

Oh, yeah.

There you go, darling.

There you go.
Come on.

Bottoms up.
I'm t-bird.

The one and only t-bird.

All right, all right,
all right,
settle the fuck down.

All right, we have
a special guest back
with us for open-mic.

Some of you might
remember his... his
stunning debut last night.

Please welcome to the stage,
for more abuse,

Lenny Freeman.

Um, I'm sorry I'm such a mess.

I just killed a guy.

H... he was heckling me.

Then I... I had to learn
the hard way that...

It's pretty difficult
getting rid of a body
these days.

I cut him up into...
Pieces, but...

That's what I had to do
just to get him into
that tiny little hole.

He was much bigger
than I thought.

Maybe it's the...

Today's portion sizes,
i don't know.

You know what...You know what
the hardest part about cutting
someone into pieces is?

It's the bones.

No, really. The bones
were the hardest part.

It's me.

You got a lot of nerve.

I take you into my kingdom,
and this is how you
fucking repay me?

It was a mistake.
I'm gonna pay you back,
every cent.

Goodbye, Stan.
We all know how
this is gonna end.

Wait. Wait. Hey.

I got something for you.

A live one.
I've been grooming him.

If you're looking for
your friend, he's gone.

Asked me to give you this.

That's some funny stuff
up there tonight, Mr. Freeman.

I always wanted to get up
on stage myself. I just
never had the guts.

I bet you think I'm
some kind of coward
hiding behind this badge.

Well, duty calls.

Some old lady queer
cracked her head at mini-mart.

Found her dead
in the freezer case.

Good luck, Mr. Freeman.

Here's looking at you, kid.

-What are you doing here?
-Put these on.

-Why?
-Why do you think?
To keep a low profile.

There.

-What are you doing?
-Celebrating.

-Pink squirrel?
-No. We've got to
get out of here.

-Are you crazy?
-Of course, I'm crazy.
I just killed a man.

Whoa, slow down there,
gentle John.

I don't know
what's happening to me.

I'll tell you what's
happening to you, Lenny.

You heard that crowd tonight.
That was a killer set,
my friend.

Yeah, but I chopped up
a human being.

He wasn't a human being.
He was a biker.

Man, don't you see what's
going on here? You got
exactly what you wanted.

What'll it be, gentlemen?

Uh, you serve food here?

Uh, let's get a couple
of menus, please, and
another one of these.

Mm-hmm.

I'll put it in a dribble glass.

Hitch, this is not
what I wanted.

You said you wanted
to be famous.

No. I mean...

It's just, I don't know
anymore because everything
is just wrong.

Okay. There, there,
let it all out.

You know, I wasn't gonna
tell you this, but...

Now, would it make you feel
any better if I told you
that I killed the guy?

You're just trying to be nice.

No. No. You see,
you passed out, and I...

Well, I kinda bashed
the guy's head in
with a tire-arm.

Needed to be done.

Now, come on.
Blow your nose.

There you go.

-You... you killed for real?
-Mm-hmm.

You feel better now?

Oh, wow.

That's great.
That means I'm not a murderer.

Oh, wait a minute.

That makes you a murderer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think
you're going?

I won't tell anyone, hitch.
I swear. I swear.

I mean, if you kill somebody,
you must be having
a good reason.

-Of course, I do.
-So, what's the verdict?

Uh, nothing.

Hey, don't I know you?

Could you come back
later, please?

I did it for you, Lenny.

-How about you, Mr. pink?
-Just toast, please.

What do you mean
you did it for me?

You said you wished
he was dead.

If you want just toast,
you have to order just
chicken salad.

But I didn't ask you
to do anything.

-But I don't want
just chicken salad.
-Hitch.

The chicken salad
comes toasted.
I suggest you order.

-Hitch.
-Or the lettuce, tomato,
and mayonnaise.

-Hitch.
-What do I do
with the chicken salad?

Why don't you hold it
between your knees?

I am not a part of any of this.

Now you are.

Come on, get up.

Now, any of you assholes want
a couple of new assholes
and start making macho.

Thank you, everybody.
You've been a great audience.

Now, please, don't forget
to tip your waitresses.

You feel better now?

Oh, that's real mature.

Do you realize what you did?

Maybe she'll think twice about
lipping off in the afterlife.

Which means that everyone is
gonna have a different story.

That's the beauty of crowds.

This is insane!

You gave me no choice.
You were about to run.

I had to think fast.

Now, you're not going anywhere.

Now you're an accomplice.

Oh, no. No, no.
I didn't do anything.

Oh, i didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.

Man, you are starting to
sound like a broken 8-track.

Don't you remember
our little deal over din-din?

Oh, hitch, I would do anything
if you help me.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Man, you finally got
what you wanted.

You're a fucking
comic sensation.

You should be happy as
a super model's panty shield.

Do I get so much
as a thank you?
No, I do not.

Thank you? For what?

You have killed a bunch
of innocent people.

No one in this world
is innocent, Lenny,
only uninvolved.

Consider yourself involved.

Now you've finally got
a little inspiration, man.

And it's in that trunk
any time you need it.

Okay.

Okay. Take the car.

Well, I appreciate the offer,
Lenny, but see, I don't drive.

You know how many people get
killed behind the wheel of
one of them things every year,

statistically speaking, I mean?

A fucking lot. That's how many.

Nope. I'm afraid there's only
one way out of our contract.

I don't think
you got the acorns.

-Anything. I'll do it.
-Oh yeah?

-Yes.
-Yeah? Okay.

Here. Here you go.
Come on!

Come on, Mr. money-where-
your-mouth-is. Come on.

Yeah, all right, come on.

There you go.

There you go. Do it, Lenny.

Splatter the matter!

One squeeze, and you're
a free man, Freeman.

Oh, yeah, that feels nice,
don't it, being the one
in control?

Yeah, come on, Lenny, do it.

Do it. You know I ain't right
for this world, Lenny.

Do it.

Do it!

Oh, man.

Got you.

Oh, man.

Now that's funny.

Whether you like it or not,

we're a team, partner,

just like bing and Jerry.

in trying to cut out,
i might have every trooper
within a hundred miles

crawling through that
trunk of yours like gerbils
in an ass convention.

Please don't kill anyone.

Anyway, Lenny, just
to prove to you that
I'm a man of my word,

I'm gonna leave my gun
in the glove compartment.

How do I know
that's the real one?

Well, if you pull the trigger
when it's in your mouth,

and it opens a hole
about yea big,

then you know.

Come on, now.
There you go.
Keep 'em up.

You look to me like someone
who appreciates a good laugh.

Now stop me if you
heard this one before.

Read the...

Never mind. Come on.

Come on. Come on, let's go.

Are you going somewhere?

Was I speeding, officer?

No. No.

-'52?
-'53.

It's nice.

I used to have an oldsmobile.

I remember it had
a lot of trunk space.

Why don't we use
this spare tire in place
of this spare tire,

while we wait for
your friend to get done
with his business?

Sweet mother of--

Now, get up.

It's showtime.

And the...

And then
the next thing I notice,

there's blood everywhere.

I mean... everywhere...

Except inside of him anymore.

Then... to make matters worse,

I'm running out
of clean shirts.

Maybe like if...
If you would eat a lobster
without a bib on...

Except... except
the difference is that...

When you crack open
a lobster, it doesn't...

Scream for its life
and spray blood everywhere.

If it... did...

I think there's be a lot
less seafood restaurants.

Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!

Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!

Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!

Hey, hey, hey.
Where are you going, sunshine?

-I quit.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this any way
to treat your manager?

Okay. You are not my manager.

You are a cold-blooded killer.
That's what you are.

Sticks and stones, Lenny,
sticks and stones.

Hey, man.

Would you sign this for me?

-Huh?
-I mean, you know,
for when you're famous.

How can you
leave all this, Lenny?

Hey, tell you what, Lenny,
I'm gonna take tonight's drama

to get us a nice spread
over at that flea palace

they call "motel
biggest-room-they-got". Huh?

Let you rest up for tomorrow.

No.

No?

What do you mean no?

I am turning myself in.

You are not going
anywhere, asshole.

And you wanna know why?

Because I think you like it.

That's right, Lenny boy,
i saw you up there.

You got a taste now.

It's in your system.

So let's drop this charade.

You couldn't walk away now
even if you tried.

Hey! There he is.

I just got a call
from monte's people.

They're sending someone down
to take a look.

No more open-mic
for you, Freeman.

Bumping you up to headliner.

You still wanna leave,
Mr. headliner?

I didn't think so.

Let me give you a little
piece of advice
my father once gave me.

Son...

You need to go out
and get laid or something.

Think about it.

I'll be back at the motel
when you come to your senses.

You know, I've seen
a man bend a spoon
just by staring at it,

but never a meatloaf.

Oh, hey, you're the guy
that took t-bird's place
at the club.

News travels fast.

I thought you were
heading to Vegas or something.

I was...

I can't go right now.

Doesn't surprise me.

Nobody ever leaves this place.

Are you done with this?

I was just
gonna sit here a while.
Do you mind?

I mean, as you can see,
we have quite a high demand
for this table tonight.

Oh.

Here you go.

And don't worry about it.

It's on the house.

Thank you.

What happened to your arm?

Oh. Nothing.

You know, I must have like
whacked it on the grill
or something. It...

It gets pretty greasy
back there.

Or I'm just... I'm just
plain clumsy.

When I was a kid,
my dad used to tell everybody
that I was clumsy too.

Except he would tell everybody
that I got whacked by a door,
not a grill.

Oh.

You know, it was funny
because after he died,

I stopped being
so clumsy all the time.

Bet that means
you're pretty happy.

Not really. Uh...

I mean I was glad that
i wasn't, you know,
so "clumsy" anymore, but,

I miss my dad.

Um... you must think
this is strange.

No.

It doesn't sound strange
at all.

What the fuck?
I've been waiting outside
for ten minutes.

Let's go.

I'm sorry. I have to go.

It was really nice
talking with you, um...

Lenny.

-Lenny.
-Yeah.

-Grail.
-Oh, that's so pretty.

Irish?

Typo.

Watch out for that grill.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Love must be deaf and dumb,
as well as blind.

I guess.

Hey, are you gonna eat that?

Oh, all yours.

What is this stuff?
I'm a strict vegetarian.

Oh, well, let's just
eat around the bad parts.

Oh, by the way,
my friends call me tq.

Oh. Lenny. Hi.

Don't worry.
She'll be all right.

Oh, no, I'm not looking at her.

you lit up like
a plastic snowman when
she was talking to you.

Before that, you were like
some kind of walking
poster child for despair.

I'm sorry. I guess I just
have a lot on my mind.

Well, if there's something
i learned about
this nasty old world,

it's that you do best
by ignoring everything
the mind has to tell you,

and paying a little closer
attention to the heart.

The heart knows what it wants.

Mmm. That man sure does have
a gift for the obvious.

Maybe somebody
should do something.

Maybe someone should.

I told you,
we were just talking.

Just talking?

Yeah. About what?

About how your friend
in there took my spot?

You're drunk.

Don't lie to me, grail.

Get your hands off me, please.

You heard her.

Get your hands off.

Well, if it isn't
the king of comedy.

Look, I don't want
any trouble, okay?

Just... just leave her alone.

This isn't any of
your fucking business.

Maybe I'm making it
my business.

Please, Lenny,
go back inside.

Sorry. I can't do that.

Yeah. Why don't you
enlighten us? Tell us
what you were gonna do.

You really wanna know?

Yeah, gimme the gory details.

Okay, uh...

Now let's see. Um...

Why don't I, uh...

Why don't I start with
the pressure from
the ball of my foot

as I grind my shoe
down in your Adam's apple?

Or the look in your eyes

as I slowly plunge my thumbs
into your sockets?

Or maybe it'll be the snap,
crackle, pop of your skull

as I crack it open
like a cantaloupe

and I squeeze the life
out of your temporal lobe,

inch by inch by inch.

You're fucking weird.
You know that?

We'll talk about this later.

You know, you ought to
seek some professional help,
you know that?

Go ahead, son.

Go ahead with what?

With your confession.

Sorry, padre,
i just came in here for
some peace and quiet.

Besides, I got
nothing to confess.

"Without confession,
vengeance is mine to repay,"

says the lord.

The hell is that
supposed to mean?

It means
you're not gonna
win here, asshole.

Well, I'd love to
chew the fat with you, father,
but I beg to differ.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

- Yes, yes, Charlie,
that's nothing to sing about.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

A boy your age,
with a jail record.

Just call me
number 77682.

Let's hope
this incident doesn't
get into the newspapers.

I don't get it.

You said this guy
is a ventriloquist?

Oh, oh, he was.
He's dead now.

I mean, a ventriloquist
on the radio? You can't even
tell if his lips are moving.

That's the beauty of it.
It doesn't matter.

Now, that's when there was
a real art to comedy.

I guess.

I wanna thank you for what
you did back there, Lenny.

Oh, sure, no...
It was no big deal.

You know, he wasn't always
like that, you know.

Hmm.

You kind of remind me of him.

Yeah, he was gonna
tear up the town and
hit straight for the strip.

Now I think he's...

Just afraid to leave.

Yeah, well,
i know that feeling.

You know we had gotten it
all figured out.

He was gonna work at the clubs
and I was gonna deal Blackjack.

Perfect little Vegas couple.

Now when I see
those lights, it's...

It's like a cruel joke.
It's like, just...

Keeping a dog's food
out of reach of its chain.

You know how to deal Blackjack?

Yeah. No, I mean, it's just
like waitressing. You just
have to remember things.

You know, do you want fries
with that, do you wanna
split your eggs.

Mmm.

You wanna play a hand?

That's okay. We can
play with our hands.

All right. Hit me.

Wait, no, I have to deal first.

-Right.
-Here come your cards.

It's a three and an eight.

-Hit me.
-No, not so fast,
you gotta put your bet.

Dealer shows a four,
odds are I'm gonna bust,
you got an 11.

You should double down,
odds are you'll draw a ten,
and double your money.

Okay. I am doubling down
in my head.

Here comes your card,
and it's...

Ah, three of clubs.

No, those are just the odds.
You got a three.

-Oh, can I have another card?
-No. You doubled down.

Well, why don't you
switch it to a ten in
your hands so that I win?

Do you wanna get me fired?
There are cameras
all over this place.

No. You're just gonna
have to live with a three.

Okay. I guess.

Dealer draws a four
and a nine, 13.

-Dealer draws again.
-What is it?

-A two.
-Shoot, you win.

Oh wait, no, not so fast.

Dealer must draw
on 16 and below.

House rules.
Says so right on the table.

Didn't you read
the table, Lenny?

Dealer draws...

An Ace, 16.

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

Final draw, and it's a...

Six.

Twenty-two.

-Dealer busts. You win.
-I won!

- You win!
- Oh, my god.

I've never won anything.

Oh, wow!

You're funny, Lenny.

We should go. Right now.

Forget what I said.
We could go now,
be in Vegas by morning.

You're teasing.

Let's do it. I mean,
let's do it now or
maybe it'll be like you said

and we'll never
get out of here.

You know I have to think.

-I bet your car
will never make it.
-I'll make it.

-Is it a '52?
-'53.

Nice.

what am I doing?
I don't even know
what I'm doing.

It's okay. Neither do I.

-Promise me, Lenny.
-I promise.

-You won't just up and leave?
-No. Never.

-Wait, wait, wait.
-What?

I'm gonna turn the heat on.
Your right hand is freezing.

Don't be silly.

What?

I have to leave!

Get out of my car!

Get out of my car!
Get out of my car!
Get out of my car!

You jerk face!

I thought you were
a nice person.

I thought you were different.

But you're not!
You're the opposite, in fact.
You're un-nice.

That's what you are, Lenny.

You're an un-nice person.

And another thing, your car
smells like a dead fish.

stop the car!

Touch me,
and you're a dead man.

How was she, Lenny?

My slaughter at the club
wasn't enough, now you gotta
take my girl too?

Maybe you wanna drop by
my house later and take
a crap on a picture of my mom?

I mean, if what
you're thinking is what
i think that you're thinking,

it's not.

Were you too rough
with her, Lenny?

She doesn't like
the rough stuff, does she?

No, to be honest,
nothing happened.

Come on.

You can tell me.

Give me, as they say,
"all the gory details".

The touch of her hair as you
ran your fingers through it,

the... taste of her skin as you
worked your way down her neck,

maybe the sweet
smell of victory

as you rolled those panties
off those soft, milky thighs.

We were just talking, I swear.

Is that what
you threw in the trunk?

I bet you got a whole
panty-museum in there.

What?

Open the trunk.

Please, t-bird,
you don't wanna--

Open the trunk!

Or I'll pull the 12-Gauge
in that belly on you

faster than you can
squeal like a pig.

See, you're gonna
learn the hard way

nobody abuses my girl...

Except for me.

...Boy in jail.

I said,
your money or your life.

You're the funniest
comedian in the world, George.

Going somewhere?

How did I get here?

We towed your drunk ass in.

Every cop in town
is looking for you.

They are?

Why?

Maybe they want your autograph.

Oh...

Oh, mom.

I don't know whether
you can hear me or not,
but I am in big trouble.

It's kinda like the...
Remember that chaplin movie
that we used to watch?

Remember where every time
he got into trouble, everyone
thought it was funnier?

Chaplin was a pervert.

What was that, mother?

Chaplin was a pervert.

He stupped every 14-year-old
chippy in Hollywood.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought I was alone.

And he knocked up
both of his wives
who weren't even 16.

That's statutory,
the last time I checked.

Not to mention,
a crime against god.

I didn't know that.

Then read your damn Bible.

Well, get your facts straight
before you go off
talking to people in heaven,

'cause people in heaven,
they know everything,

specially Jesus.

And he was also
known for having
an incredibly large penis.

Jesus?

Chaplin, you idiot!

Are you a real priest?

I used to be,
but the fundamentalists,
they kicked me out.

They wanted me to work solo.

So now I take
my mission on the road.

Churches, nightclubs,
and some days, the holy land.

Jerusalem?

One of us gets out,
we all get out.
That's the way I see it.

Just like easter Sunday.

Father, would you please
hear my confession?

Sorry. Kitchen's closed.

Perhaps
i can be of some assistance.

Oh, great.
Now you've gone and woke up
Mr. bleeding heart.

What seems to be troubling you?

-Uh...
-Go ahead, Lenny.

I'm here to help.

You see, I do have this friend,
and well, he's been doing
some terrible things,

and part of him knows
that he needs to stop,
but then...

There's a part of him, well,
that kinda just
doesn't know anymore.

A wise man once said,
"if your right eye
causes you to sin,

pluck it out."

Do you understand
what that means, Lenny?

I think so.

Good. Then go in peace.

And remember, the great one
is always watching.

God?

Gleeson.

Mr.
Freeman, they just told me you were in here.

Where are we going?

Interrogation room.

What's gonna happen to me,
officer flick?

Depends on
how it goes in there.

Good luck.

All right. What's happened?

Everything?

Yeah.

Everything.

You got two minutes.

Okay.

Here goes.

T all started when
i got off the interstate

to get some gas
on my way to las Vegas.

How's it going in there?

What am I, a lip-reader?

And then the next thing
i knew, there was blood
everywhere, and...

And I...
I even had to...

Scoop up a piece of his brain.

I mean, I think
it was his brain.

To be honest, I was never
very good in science.

Funny.

Funny stuff.

You're good, Freeman.

You're very good.

The part about
the severed hand...

Look at me,
I'm busting a gut.

All right. I'm gonna want to
see your full act tonight.

Your best material.

No stops.

You stick the landing,
we'll put you on live tomorrow.

Uh... sorry,
i don't understand.

Comedy.

It's currency, Freeman.

Monte said if you were
as good as the steward
tells him,

for me to get your ass
to Vegas, pronto.

So you're not
going to arrest me?

Kid, stop, please, before
i start hemorrhaging with
laughter all right?

You look for me
after your set tonight.

I'll have a limo waiting.

This is your chance, kid.

Don't blow it.

If you're looking for your car,

your manager picked it up.

My manager?

Be careful out there.

They hit a record high today.

So...

He's gold.

What did I tell you?

So we're square, right?

Oh, yeah, right.

All right, there you go.

It's all there.

-Yeah, just a little, but
you know, as soon as I get--
-we're done here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I'm gonna get the rest to you,
all right? I promise.

Tonight.

You're gonna
get the rest tonight.

This joker nails it...

Everything's forgiven.

But if not...

Hello, hitch.

Well, well, well,
the prodigal son has returned.

Fucking ac's busted.
Can you believe it?

Hotter than a fat lady's
armpit in there.

You took my car.

Well, I didn't think
you wanted all that beef
cooking in the pd parking lot.

You see, that's what
managers do. You know,
we manage things.

Things like auditions
for the monte guy show.

I'm sorry, hitch.
I know that I've been
acting selfish, and...

Well, you've been right
all along.

No, from now, we're gonna
do it your way. Everything.
Whatever you need.

All right. Now I need about
ten more mini-marts.

I got a better idea.

You? You got a better idea?

It's a good one.
Easy money.

Oh, yeah?
How easy?

How much further?

It better not be another one
of them hindu hamlets.
We gotta start thinking bigger.

Can you not do that, please?

You know what,
i read about this guy once,

stood outside one of them
drive-through bank machines
wearing a suit.

What kind of suit?

It doesn't matter.
A suit-suit.

and that the atm was out
of order and he was there
to run people's cards for 'em.

So these morons,
they'd hand over their card
and their password,

suit guy would take it inside,
take out 500 big ones,

and come back with the,
you know, measly 40 or 50 clams
that they asked for.

Simple as that.
No one gets hurt.

Smart.

Yeah, fucking right, smart.

'cause he literally
sweated his ass off!
I'm dying here, man!

Where the fuck are we?

We're here.

Here? Here, where?

There ain't nothing here,
Lenny. Come on.

Our contract.

You're a dead man, Lenny!

Come back here so
i can fucking kill you!

Fuck!

"Dear grail,
I'm sorry about last night.

I haven't been myself lately.

But today, all that changed.

Today, I have been
given another chance,

and I know exactly
what I have to do.

It's like tq says,

'the heart knows
what it wants.'

and right now,
my heart's telling me

that it is not as
important for me to be famous

as it is for you to give me
a second chance...

Because tonight, I'm going back
to being the old me.

Please forgive me,
and meet me at the motel
after the show.

I'll be waiting
with a big surprise.

Lenny.

P.S. You were right.

I don't think my car's
gonna make it."

Funny.

Two minutes go by, I'm still
in the parking lot, high.

I still can't move.

Hey, listen, t-bird didn't
show up. You're gonna
have to go up early.

mess yourself up,
throw some blood in
your shirt or something?

No, I'm gonna try
some new material tonight.

What, are you nuts?

Monte's right-hand man
is out there.

I know a thing or two
about right hands.

Look, this is no time to
screw with the formula.

Nobody wants to see
the Jerry who runs around
talking to crippled kids.

They all want to see the Jerry
who runs around going "buddy!"

You take my word for it.

You're up.

You remember
what I'm telling you.

"Buddy!"

You think about it.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
he's back tonight for
one last appearance.

Please welcome back
to the stage, the king
of carnage himself,

Lenny Freeman!

This is your chance, kid.

Now you've finally got
a little inspiration, man.

I have dreamed
about this my whole life.

If your right eye
causes you to sin...

It's in that trunk
any time you need it.

One of us gets out,
we all get out.

Back to
being the old me.

This is your chance, kid.

Or ten, partner.

Don't blow it.

Thank you
thank you very much.

Wow. Wow, let me take
a look at this crowd.

Holy cow, look at these faces.

Well, I haven't seen
happier faces at easter island.

Uh, hey, how about
lamb bone, huh?

What a great place.
You know, it's
the kind of place

you really feel like
you could settle down.

You know, my father,
when he did did settle,

he paid off his bar tab.

Uh...

The, um...

There's a lot of people that
will tell you that marriage...

Marriage is
the highway to heaven.

Well, I guess I am
on the detour.

Uh...

I'll be right back.

Lenny!

Hey!

What do you want me
to do with this?

It's that joker's
personal shit he'd forgotten.

Oh. Just leave it
on my desk.

You are my hero.

Hitch?

Hitch?

Hello, Lenny.

We've been waiting for you.

How did you
get back so quick?

Mmm. You forget, Lenny.

Always another way.

I had to do a bit of
walking in the heat

before a sweet young thing
agreed to pick me up,

ain't that right, darling?

Unfortunately, she came
down with a terrible case
of whiplash.

I can explain.

Let's explain, Lenny.

You left me for dead
in a 150-degree heat

with no water,
bend us away.

Very sporting of you.

I just wanted to go back
to the way it was.

Well, too fucking late.

You can't go back.
You can never go back.

We have a contract.

Well, I'm breaking
that contract, okay?

You hear me? I just...

I don't wanna
be famous anymore.

Is that so?

Then why'd you go
peeking in the trunk?

Why'd you stick
your fat nose in the trunk?

You just wanted to make sure
everyone was comfortable?

Or were you
looking for a little...

Inspiration?

No.

No, I... you...

Just stop it.
You're trying to confuse me.

That's it, hitch.
If you want me to stop,
you're gonna have to kill me,

because I just
don't care anymore.

Okay, okay, okay,
you know what, Lenny?
You win.

Guess I know
when I've been beat.

But, before you go...

There's a little something
i wanna show you.

Came by earlier,
looking for you.

I told her,
make herself comfortable.

Now I suggest that
you do the same.

No, no. This has nothing
to do with her.

Oh, but you're wrong, Lenny.

This has everything
to do with her.

Sit.

Ever hear of a guy
named fatty arbuckle?

I thought you was
a comedy expert.

Well, fatty was
a big time joker
much like yourself,

except he worked in
the silent pictures,

had a big studio deal in
the early 1900s.

Women loved him,
kids loved him.

He had everything
fame had to offer.

during a three-day moonshine
free-for-all at a day city
hotel up in San Francisco,

he takes this pretty young
flapping thing behind closed
doors and, how do you say...

Does her with
a champagne bottle.

At least that's what
the coroner report
said it was.

Of course, no one knows
for sure 'cause the poor girl
bled to death

and everyone else was too drunk
to see straight, let alone
hear the screaming...

Over and over.

Screaming for help.

So what happens, you ask?

Well, the courts,
in their infinite wisdom,

chose to clear fatty
of all charges.

Sent him home,
an innocent man.

But the people...

Well, the people knew.

And as much as fatty
tried to get back
into their good graces,

there just was no going back.

His career was dead,

his life, essentially over.

All because of one
teensy-weensy fatal
little decision.

So you see, Lenny...

We can regret our choices
all we want,

but someone's still gotta
pay the consequences.

Champagne, anyone?

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...

Riding cowboy,
right, Lenny?

Please. Please. I'll do
whatever you say.

Oh, you're gonna do
whatever I say,
'cause from now on,

you'll understand exactly
what I mean by consequences.

-Hitch.
-Nothing personal,
cream cheese.

-Please.
-Here's to commitment.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

Oh, god.

Help!

Shh. No, no, no.

Please, help!

-Help!
-I could explain. No, no, no.

I can-- ow!
No, no, no.

Help! Help!

-Grail, don't.
-Someone!

-Help!
-No, no.

Help!

- I don't think
you're listening.

We could be together now, okay?

Listen, we could go away
like we talked about, okay?

And... and you could
deal Blackjack, and um, well,
i could be in monte guy.

We're gonna be so happy,
grail, because...

Because I love you so much.

You're supposed to love me too.

I do love you, Lenny.

You do?

I brought someone
to see you, Lenny.

Funny stuff, kid.

You're gonna wanna
stick with the sick stuff
for monte though,

'cause that performance
art shit goes
right over his head.

So I'm still going to Vegas?

As soon as you get
your ass in the car.

And now,
please give a warm
las Vegas welcome

to Mr. Lenny Freeman.

Oh, thank you.

We serve that
with a heart attack.

Would you like it for here,
or to go?

Lenny Freeman,
ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, what's this I hear,
that you just
got married today?

Yes, I did.

Let's bring her out.

Oh!

My father's idea of settling

was paying off his bar tab.

Before we go, I have
another surprise for you.

All the way from lamb bone,

let's hear it
for officer ray flick.

You gotta admit,

that's funny.

Welcome home, partner.