Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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(ALARM CLOCK PLAYING)

* Well, I don't like doing things *

* That other folks tell me to do *

* So I hit him with a hammer *

* And now he's quite subdued *

KYLE: Whoa!

Hey, Lemar, what's up? You owe me 10 bucks!

Sorry, guys. Sorry about that.

So then you're gonna walk through it going... Whoa!

Good morning, Ithaca!

Hey, Lisa, you were supposed to call me!

Call me tonight, all right?

(GASPS)

(GROANING)

(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)

Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

You cut off his leg!

Somebody get some help! I need a tourniquet and some ice.

Okay, don't panic. Don't panic. Everything's gonna be okay.

I'm a trained first responder, okay?

Can you hear me?

I am so fired.

(CHUCKLING)

Is he laughing?

(LAUGHS)

Y'all got punk'd!

What?

Son of a bitch.

Works every time, yo. Thanks, man.

(EXCLAIMS)

Welcome to the University of Ithaca. I'm Kyle, your PUSE.

Come on, pervs.

PUSE. It stands for Prospective Undergraduate Student Envoy.

Come on, people. Lighten up, it was a joke. He's fine.

Take it easy, man.

You owe me a beer.

See? We're all about special needs here.

As a matter of fact, our motto is,

"If you're special, we needs you."

So, besides being a PUSE,

what do you do at Ithaca, Kyle?

Well, I've been an RA for four years.

I'm currently getting my Ph.D.,

and I'm the alumni advisor for my frat.

Wow.

Yeah. What percentage of Ithaca students

end up going to Ivy League grad schools?

That's a good question, and I'm not really sure.

Okay, well, am I going to be limited in the number of hours

that I can take in a semester, or...

I don't know, but if not, you sure should be.

Can I be both a double major and a double minor?

Hmm.

I really don't know about that, either.

So, what do you know, Mr. PUSE?

That Ithaca is the proud holder

of a national athletic championship.

Yeah, no way.

No, this is an academic institution.

I mean, your mascot's a librarian.

WOMAN: Lydia, stop.

LYDIA: What? He's a moron.

I'm sorry. She's under a lot of stress right now.

It's okay.

Mom, you're doing it again.

What? Doing what?

You know what I'm talking about.

Ryan told me what you did during his campus visit.

I have no idea what she's talking about.

Oh, my God.

You get back here right now, missy!

Oh, or what?

No, it's cool, she can leave.

Of course, you're gonna be missing out

on a really great story.

Love.

Sex.

Oh, God.

The relentless pursuit of academic excellence.

Fine.

KYLE: Okay, so,

there's this guy named Andy who lives on my floor, right?

And he's been dating this girl named Katy for, like, ever.

They began as high school lab partners

in Mr. Blankenbaker's biology class.

Andy helped Katy win the science fair,

and Katy became Andy's band manager and biggest fan.

They were in love, whatever that is,

and they promised that graduation

would only make them stronger.

Though their bodies were separated,

their hearts stayed together tight,

till the start of their junior year.

(PLAYING GUITAR) * After five years of love *

* This song's just not enough *

* So I decided I won't be denied and I'll sing it in the buff *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough to sing it in the buff *

* In the buff *

Dude! What the fuck?

Korky, a little help. My toe's cramping up.

KORKIN: I don't care if you're having fucking seizures.

That is horrible. Korky.

Oh, did you ever hear of manscaping? I need help.

Don't touch me. I'll be outside.

(GROANING)

Do you actually have testicles?

Didn't you just see them?

I'm serious, man. My cousin, his never dropped.

He literally has no balls.

So when he tells me that he can't

break up with his girlfriend, I get that.

No, it's not that I can't, Korkin. I don't want to.

I mean, Katy's beautiful. She's smart. She's...

Got your balls locked in her Hello Kitty hope chest?

KORKIN: Whoa! Wait, wait, wait.

What is that shit?

This, my friend, is known as an ILMAG.

A what?

An Improvised Last-Minute Anniversary Gift.

Every year I have a reminder set on my computer,

but this year, mysteriously, it didn't go off.

You're welcome.

Dude! Uncool.

Sabotage was my last resort.

You're 21 and you act 40.

You never go out. You never party.

I play beer pong every weekend.

And you go right home after every tournament.

Know why? Why?

Because you fear temptation.

And who fears temptation but a man with doubts?

Work it, Chloe.

CHLOE: Bite it, Korkin.

(EXCLAIMS)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Okay, okay, so sometimes I'm tempted.

But overall, I'm a very happy man, okay?

Let me make you happier.

Designate Katy as your back-home girl. Your hometown honey.

She's there for weekends, vacations, long dry spells.

Let her think whatever she wants,

but here, you do whatever you want.

It's a win-win.

Okay, unlike you, I don't cheat.

What does that even mean?

It means I don't cheat.

KORKIN: In that bucket is concentrated urine and feces.

(LAUGHING)

Any Hagan Hall man known to have a steady girlfriend gets treed.

Ass Turd will be there till she comes to rescue him.

Guess I better not mention K-A-T-Y to these guys.

Korkin, no.

You don't want to know what else they put in that bucket.

You know, maybe you could have mentioned that

before I swapped dorms.

Please don't swap dorms.

Katy?

It took me forever to find this one.

(LAUGHING) What are you doing here?

Your big tournament's tonight,

so I wanted to say happy anniversary and cheer you on in person.

That is so cool.

I'm not done. Guess what else?

What could be better?

I transferred here, to Ithaca!

Wow!

Wow!

Better update those hepatitis shots, bro.

JAKE: There's a storm brewing, boys.

Wind, four knots.

Barometric pressure,

falling.

Perfect conditions for Hurricane Jake.

* Well, I was walking back home real late *

* Looked at the stars up in the sky *

* Thought of the wishes I had made *

* Then started thinkin' about all the time we had left *

* Was counting all my mistakes and counting all my regrets *

JAKE: Oh!

Ponage!

Only his third try, Raz-R.

See you at Nationals. Eat pussy.

You suck.

As soon as I capture this tape,

I can upload it to YouTube.

ANDY: What about your full ride at CMU?

I mean, it's like the Harvard of horticulture.

Yeah, it's amazing, but so are you.

I mean, we only have one chance to be in college together.

I don't want to waste it.

Didn't you feel like we were slipping away

with all the e-mails and Skype sex?

I don't know. Maybe.

I freaked you out, didn't I?

No!

I mean, no, I...

It's gonna be great.

* Girl, it ain't so tough *

Okay.

* ...to sing it in the buff *

* In the buff *

(SCOFFS)

There's a storm brewing, boys.

Wind, four knots.

Barometric pressure, falling.

Perfect conditions for Hurricane Jake.

Uh-oh. Somebody looks freaked out.

I'm not freaked out.

Well, you should be.

She's gonna suck you into some off-campus apartment

with curtains and coasters

and a chaise lounger with those giant fucking pillows.

Kick her ass to the curb

before you get doused with concentrated urine and feces.

No woman is worth that.

But right now, both you douche bags need to focus.

We go to war in one hour.

Awesome.

New uniforms.

Are you ready to protect this house?

Sexy.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Go away. Unless you have breasts.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Kyle! The man!

Dude, you're back!

Yeah, I went to Prague in May on a convention

that ended up on a three-month pub crawl

where I got laid a lot.

Very nice.

By different girls.

KORKIN: Wow. That's real diversity, Kyle.

Wait, is the tournament tonight?

The finals. You coming?

No, I can't. I've got a frat meeting.

We're practicing for our new step show.

What? Nice!

KYLE: Yeah, well,

it's better with, like, more black guys, but there's a little taste.

Well, I'm bummed I'm gonna miss tonight.

Well, give them hell for Hagan Hall.

You, too, Kyle. Give them hell, bro.

Glad you're back, man.

Take it easy, guys. KORKIN: Peace.

Peace.

Shit. It's ready.

Shit. Raz-R beat us to it.

What?

That's the third trick shot he's uploaded this week.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)

What up, Jake the Fake?

Just wanted to say good luck tonight,

so I can kick your bony ass in Atlanta.

That's right, baby.

Do not let him into your head.

He's already there.

(SCOFFS) God.

See, there was a time eons ago

when beer pong was simply a fringe novelty game

played by Cro-Magnons in cave-like garages using paddles.

But the sport, thank you very much, has now evolved

into a grueling mano a mano death match

designed to push mind, body and liver to their furthest limits.

Thus the high-tech athletic gear.

Exactly, me lady. Our bodies are our weapons.

Jake is one of the best trick-shotters in the country.

This right here is like our Olympic trials.

Hello!

Well, Godspeed, good sirs,

and may you vanquish your many enemies.

God, that's so lame.

Korkin.

Zoink!

Right, here you go. Thank you.

There's something I forgot to tell you about this place.

What? When somebody puts money in the jar...

(SIREN WAILING) MAN: It's titty time!

Ooh!

...they flash you.

(APPLAUDING)

Welcome to the show, honey.

No, I'm not done yet.

(BOYS EXCLAIMING)

EMCEE: Welcome to the University of Ithaca's

Beer Pong Finals,

(ALL CHEERING)

where tonight one of these eight teams will win full sponsorship

from TaTa's Pub to compete for

the National Collegiate Championship!

This is it!

Let's pong it out, bitches!

(SIREN WAILING) It's titty time!

(EMCEE HOWLING)

We go eye to eye for possession.

Okay.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Splash!

We get the balls back for two-hit shots,

but we get to keep shooting until one of us misses.

(EXCLAIMING)

I'm so glad I'm here.

I'm not glad you're here.

Hey, buddy, listen. You shoot. I'll talk.

Katy, hi. Girlfriends and beer pong

(BOYS EXCLAIMING)

don't mix.

Unless, of course, you can do that.

Nope. Can't do that.

EMCEE: All right, Ithaca's boys are going to Atlanta next week.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

KORKIN: Bounce shots can be blocked,

and guys can finger the rim

when it's a spinner, but not girls.

CROWD: (CHANTING) Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!

Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!

Andy! Andy!

Yeah!

KORKIN: Girls can blow the hole and it scores as our miss.

Damn it.

Son of a...

Oh!

Kiki, a drink for our opponents.

Oh...

I remember.

Now, go do your thing.

She's just a distraction.

CROWD: (CHANTING) Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!

Hey, Lester.

Now check this out. Andy, you the man!

That's our secret phrase.

Hit a cup in our opponent's hand, and it's...

Booya!

Death cup.

Game over, asshole.

(WHISTLES)

ANDY: Yes!

Yes, man! Yes!

(EXCLAIMING)

EMCEE: All right, all right, all right!

Who's going to the A-town next week? Lock and load.

(SIREN WAILING) MAN: It's titty time!

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

All right, Ithacans! This is it, the finals!

We trick-shot for possession.

Come on, Jake.

EMCEE: Did you see that? Did you see that?

Possession, Hagan Hall!

Hagan! Hagan! Hagan!

Hagan Hall.

So do I get to wear your beer pong

Letterman jacket, you jock stud?

Actually, it wasn't my best night.

Maybe I can change that.

It's time to celebrate our anniversary.

How?

See you in an hour.

Ooh.

ANDY: What's up, guys?

Dude, this is what awaits us

at the end of the rainbow, my friend,

if you get your fucking head straight.

No way.

What? I knew her before I met Katy.

Her name's Jenna. She's French.

Bullshit.

KYLE: So, before Katy, there was Jenna. She was a total babe.

Sexy. Exotic. A real woman among boys,

not unlike the lovely lady by my side.

(GASPS)

Did I trip you?

I'm sorry.

Such soft, gentle hands.

So, what's your degree in?

Interpretive Urban Dance.

It is so hot.

Yeah, so, I'm sorry, you were saying,

about the young, hot, exotic Jenna?

Yeah. Way back before there was ever a Katy,

Jenna was Andy's first crush, his first kiss,

and would have even been his first boink,

if not for the vicious, man-eating corn snake

who called their love nest home.

(SCREAMING)

KYLE: Jenna's foot recovered nicely

with donated replacement tendons from a cadaver.

But once she was loaded into the ambulance,

Andy never heard from her again.

Bullshit. ANDY: No, I'm serious.

We met at summer camp when I was 16.

She gave me this bracelet.

Bullshit.

KYLE: To prove the lovely Jenna was once his willing near-boink,

Andy logged on to the Pong America web site

in an effort to find her.

Booya!

KYLE: And Jenna nearly wet her dainty little panties

when Andy pinged her,

which gave him a virtual hard-on.

(EXCLAIMING)

She gave me her digits.

Call her.

I'm going to. Okay.

Of course I remember mon Andrew!

Of course she remembers mon Andrew.

I have wondered about you many times.

She's wondered about me many times.

Wondered if you're straight?

We actually won our beer pong tournament.

I'm coming to Atlanta next week!

No! First you must come meet me on the tour!

You can hang out with me and the other girls on the bus!

(WHISPERING) Do you wanna go? No?

Yes. Yes.

Okay. Where are you?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Tomorrow we are in Illinois.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I'll meet you in Illinois.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Where the hell is Illinois?

(EXCLAIMING)

He's coming to see me.

Wait. I can't leave.

What? What?

I can't go anywhere. Katy just transferred here.

Give me her.

Dude, this chick is a world-class hottie,

and some snake stole your chance to consummate?

You have to go to her.

Now. It's a rite of passage, a vision quest.

Vision.

I can't.

Okay. Tell me this.

Is Katy just your first, your first of many, or your first and last?

How should I know?

Then let's go find this goddess,

and then if you realize you still want Katy,

you'll never have to worry about having doubts again.

You'll know she's the one.

That was the best week of my life.

Until now.

ALL: Road trip!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

The bar gave us tickets to Atlanta.

Who's paying for us to get to Illinois?

We need some chump to sponsor us.

I know a guy.

JAKE: His name is Arash. His dad's the dictator of Tandoor.

KORKIN: Where the hell is Tandoor?

JAKE: Next to Illinois.

No, it's an island off the coast of Indonesia.

He's loaded.

I took Intro to Modern Drug Cultures with him.

Awesome class. Changed my life.

(PHONE RINGING)

ARASH: Yes?

Hey, man. It's Jake.

I brought some weed.

ARASH: I'm winning this. This is the game...

This is the game of real life.

This is not a fantasy. Welcome to real life. I hope you like...

I bet you guys kick ass at paintball.

I have the weed. I don't know...

(INAUDIBLE)

ARASH: You're dying. You're not living anymore.

This is the real life. Do not fuck with me, Lawdawg54!

I am now owning your ass!

I am the property master and you are my servant!

Yes. In your face! That hurts bad. Go to sleep!

I admired your essay on the socio-political relevance

of Up in Smoke very much, Jake.

Thanks, man.

So, tell me, why are you really here?

My friend and I are beer pong players,

and we come requesting sponsorship for our team.

Beer pong?

Let me demonstrate.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I have seen this. You Americans

can turn even drinking into a contest.

Indeed. But if we win, your investment will be doubled,

and you will bring glory to your father, your country and to Ithaca.

I will travel with you?

Probably better if we go it alone.

Keep costs down. Stay low profile.

I have no need for money, I hate my father,

my country is a shit bucket, and Ithaca was my fallback.

Evidently, Harvard does not accept the sons of despots.

Who knew? Leave me now.

I will keep your hashish in return for my time.

Wait! You can come,

and I'll put us on a busload of gorgeous models.

Look, this girl in the middle,

that's the girl I'm going to see.

ARASH: Is she a virgin?

She's all natural, man.

Except for some tendons in her foot.

And her private regions? Jungle bush?

Okay. If you are lying, you will all be kidnapped

and sent to my father's mines,

where you will work in complete darkness

until you die of the black lung,

filthy, emaciated and cold.

Works for me. No problem. Yes.

Then we have a deal. Yes.

Yes.

Here we go. Okay. Very good. Thank you.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Phone the hanger. Have them prepare

Tandoor 2 for a dawn departure.

And make me some soup.

(STAMMERING) What is Tandoor 2?

It's the royal jet.

Fuck yeah, it is! Welcome to the team!

Fuck yeah, it is!

Hey, what's this? Not good.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Shit. ARASH: Adji!

COMMANDO: This is the CIA. You're surrounded, and we're coming in.

(EXCLAIMS)

It's him. He's the terrorist!

Andy, where are you?

It's been, like, three hours. Please call me back.

(EXCLAIMING)

Your turn, Jenna. And no dares for you. I want the truth.

Was this Andy guy your first?

JENNA: I'm working.

Yeah, we wanna hear the truth, sister.

Come on, Jenna.

Fine, the answer is no, but almost.

Within one week we were in love.

So, you guys gonna hook up or what?

I don't hook up. I'm a lady.

Who sells beer with her breasts.

Right.

KYLE: And then, overwhelmed by the inter-gravitational pull

of their mutual hotness,

the beer pong girls engaged in a naked pillow fight.

What a bunch of male wish-fulfillment bullshit.

I've never been in a naked pillow fight before.

I have.

KYLE: Right.

So anyway, our heroes were transported

to a secret CIA interrogation center,

where they were interrogated...

ANDY: No. No.

That looks like Korkin's mom.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) KYLE: ...tortured...

This is a bad trip.

I'm tripping out, man!

Hey, man. KYLE: ...and humiliated.

You don't need to do it.

WOMAN: Open wide for mommy! Oh!

What the fuck is that?

No, no, no, no, no. Back up. Back up.

(SCREAMING)

KYLE: Turns out papa tyrant was overthrown in a coup.

All of his assets were seized and given

to the poor, hungry people of Tandoor.

Greedy bastards. I thought my dad was bad,

but apparently some despotic parents can never be pleased.

Okay, it's safe.

(PANTING)

My dick hole is the size of a garden hose, you son of a bitch!

Whoa! Whoa! So sorry.

Okay, okay, all right. Allow me to apologize to you all.

I had no idea my father would be overthrown

by a group of 12 unarmed peasants and a wizard.

I am now destitute, penniless, homeless.

Welcome to America.

Whoa, whoa, Korkin, it's not his fault.

We're lucky they let us go.

Let's just find out where we are.

"Bethesda"?

JAKE: That's bullshit, man.

Maryland?

It's like, there should be a fucking law that the fucking CIA

has to fucking drop you off where they fucking got you!

So write your fucking congressman!

You know what? Eat my ass, Korkin,

'cause I had to swallow a whole pound of weed,

and then they made me listen to techno all night.

You know what that's like?

(HUMMING TECHNO MUSIC)

Guys! Okay, you know what?

Shut up and let's focus on getting out of here.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, shit.

Hello?

Andy, where are you? Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine.

You won't believe what happened.

(CAR APPROACHING)

(CAR STOPS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Thank you.

Jake, follow me.

Ass-rash, thanks for nothing, and I'll see you never.

No, no, no, no, wait, wait, you can't leave me here.

His dad is the dictator of Tandoor, right?

The dictator of Tandoor?

If I am found by rebel agents,

I will be brutally tortured and fed to goats.

That's not my problem, shithead.

We need a sponsor, not some assassination target.

For the first time in my life,

I have no guards, no father.

I am finally free.

All right, I have an idea.

Please don't leave me here, Korkin.

(SHUSHING)

Play along, or you're goat food.

Take that. Okay.

Follow me.

He was going to fly us to Atlanta on Tandoor 2,

his own private jet.

You want me to believe that you stood me up on our anniversary

so you could ride on some dictator's airplane?

My phone's dying, Ass-rash, so hurry up.

Take some bags, head to the van in the front.

Do you see keys?

Yes.

KORKIN ON EARPIECE: Okay, put the luggage in the back.

Wait! Turn right. The cabbies are staring at you.

Flip them off.

KORKIN: No, flip them off!

Flip them off!

No, not me, moron. Them.

Do it! My uncle was a cabbie!

Fuck off! Fuck off!

(CHATTERING)

They had helicopters and they had laser-sight guns,

and then we were thrown into this helicopter...

KORKIN: Hit it! ARASH: Hit what?

KORKIN: Go! ARASH: What, drive?

Awesome!

You can't drive?

I was never allowed to,

but I am most excellent at Super Mario Kart.

Korkin had, like, this penile pap smear,

Jake was tortured by bad music.

And let me guess, you were waterboarded?

No, that was Arash.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Need a ride?

(LAUGHING) Get in!

No! No, no, no, you didn't. Come on!

(CAB DRIVERS YELLING) Okie dokie.

Come on.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Like that. It was totally crazy.

Okay.

So, how does this ridiculous farce

contribute to my decision to come here?

Because it speaks to the spirit of our students.

I became the man I am today because of a road trip.

I love a good ride.

Mom.

I still like to roll every once in a while.

Mom!

Okay. TMI.

(KATY SIGHING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

Katy Hartman?

Yeah.

Andy's Katy?

Yeah.

Cool. I'm Kyle, your RA.

You know, Andy and I are pretty good friends.

We even compared penises in the shower once,

and he totally regretted it.

So this is Amy.

Amy had a little altercation with

her former Sigma Gamma roommate

and had to be relocated.

I think you guys are gonna be a good match.

(WHOOPING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

ANDY ON PHONE: Hey! How's my favorite glamorous supermodel?

Very glamorous, mon amour. Runway. Bright lights.

Wait, I send you a photo.

Mandee? Okay.

Smile!

(EXCLAIMS)

That looks like a fun job. Good resume builder.

(GROANING)

AMY: Okay. So wait.

So you transferred from your dream school,

the Columbia of cultivation, to be here for some guy?

I missed him, and I wanted to be with him.

And now there's a nail in that man's head

because he bounced the same day you showed up?

We'll get through it, and I'll just stay busy until he gets back.

What? Baking cookies? Doing his ironing?

Excuse me?

I'm just saying.

Look here, Amy,

I don't care how many sorority girls you've punched.

Just because I don't have purple eye shadow and spiky hair

doesn't mean I'm not a strong, independent woman, okay?

I just panicked, all right?

And now I'm here and he's there,

and, frankly, I'm a little freaked out.

Okay.

Look, I'm having a party tonight, all right?

Just some ladies hanging out, having a good time.

I think you should come. Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Do you remember the song you wrote for me?

* When the bitches attack *

* Don't you cry, don't you cry *

* Because, baby, Big A's got your back *

* Big A's got your back *

God.

Wow, I kind of forgot that one.

But you still have a record deal, no?

ANDY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

I just recorded a new song yesterday, actually.

In my studio.

What?

Yeah, sure he did.

We have a stage on the tour.

You can play a concert when you arrive.

Actually, we got a little sidetracked,

so we won't be able to make it today,

but I'll meet you at your next stop in Nashville for sure.

(JENNA SPEAKING FRENCH)

I must now enter the glamorous beer pong dunking booth.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Whoa!

Au revoir, my wittle French fry.

I'm gonna fucking puke.

I, too, am in need of a restroom.

Again?

What are you, a chick?

KORKIN: Nudie bar! Pull in there.

You can potty while we party.

ARASH: My people are known to have diminutive bladders.

KORKIN: To go with your diminutive wittle weewees?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Is that your record studio, Big A?

Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta go.

Hey. KATY ON PHONE: Oh, Andy!

LESTER: Boys, give it up for Bambi!

Bambi enjoys early bird specials,

cuddling up with a nice box of wine,

and watching reruns of Matlock!

(MEN CHEERING)

Shit. Left my wallet in the car.

Yeah, me, too.

Welcome to the Kit 'N Cougar, fellas.

Actually, we just came so my friend could take a piss.

So you wanna use my plumbing,

but you can't patronize my business?

No, of course not. Don't be rude, Jake. Let's party.

After last night and then this morning I was totally freaking out,

but my new roommate is so sweet.

She invited me to her party tonight,

and I decided to go with her.

Good for you. That's great.

Don't fight it, boys. You'll never get her out of your mind.

You think our cougar's hot, you gotta see our kittens.

The kitten? Show me a little pussy.

Watch your language, boy.

This is a classy establishment.

Yes, sir. No problem, sir.

Arash, get the fuck over here.

I mean, I can't believe it!

This campus is really gorgeous.

And I found this cute little coffee shop

where we can study by the fire together when it's snowing.

Dude, if one of the Golden Girls

tries to give me a lap dance,

I swear to God, I am gonna puke.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, guys. You like the twins?

They're sisters?

Fraternal. I'm their ma,

and Bambi dancing out there, well, she's my ma.

And Lester, that teddy bear that brought you all in,

well, he's my hubby.

It's a family business.

Then momma, come to daddy.

Mangoes.

There are these adorable little apartments off campus.

We can totally move in together next year.

(MOANING)

I like you. I have to go.

Watch the hands, Mowgli.

Okay.

(GRUNTS)

There's even a spare room for my mom, when she comes to visit.

She'll totally cook and clean. You know her!

(KATY CHUCKLING)

I'll make us some curtains, and we can buy our own furniture.

I've always wanted one of those chaise loungers

with the big, fluffy pillows.

ANDY: Katy? Katy? This is going to be so great for us.

I thought you were mad at me.

Well, I was, until I read about the coup in Tandoor.

How's Arash? Poor little guy.

(MOANING)

Oh, my God. That's disgusting!

Carrie, I told you that could happen.

Now be professional, sug.

Mom, he peed on me.

Lester, code red! Golden shower in the champagne room!

You have a napkin?

He's fine.

We found a ride and we're headed to the tournament.

That's awesome.

Well, I have to jet to registration,

but have fun, okay? Love you. Bye.

Korkin! What?

He pissed on my baby girl!

Get them! Oh, shit!

(MEN SHOUTING)

Get the fuck in the cab!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

(ANDY SCREAMING)

They both had the same exact little mole above their butt cracks.

Never have I seen six more perfectly diverse breasts.

And now, thanks to Ass-rash and his girlie bladder,

that memory will forever be a painful one,

because my already swollen dick is now chaffed

from sprinting full speed with a fucking boner!

Yeah!

ANDY: Come on, man. No hitchhikers.

Not a hitchhiker, a fare. This is a taxi and we need some money.

Plus, do you see that ass?

KORKIN: Hi! Need a ride?

You can share a fare with these guys.

Hi.

So where you heading?

Just down the road.

That's cool.

But I wouldn't go too far down the road in a stolen cab.

Not too hard to spot, you know.

Come on, guys.

DC plate, the meter's not running,

and your cabbie's sitting in the back in girlie pink pajamas

'cause he pissed his pants.

JAKE: Interesting ensemble yourself.

I know, right?

I got this off a Dr. Ratchett.

No way was I gonna run cross-country in high heels.

Oh, shit! My stomach, man.

What's his deal?

He swallowed a bag of marijuana

before we were detained by the CIA.

I fucking hate those guys, man! Seriously.

They have been spying on me ever since I got back.

(STAMMERING) Back from where?

I can't say. They're listening.

(JAKE GROANING)

God!

Pull over, man. It's bad. Right there.

JAKE: I have to dump this load somewhere.

ANDY: Not in the car.

KORKIN: Here's a convenience store.

ARASH: Convenient? Do they sell trousers?

KORKIN: If you had any money.

Who wants grub? I do.

ARASH: I do. KORKIN: No. No, you don't.

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

My stomach is hollow. It's hollow.

No one cares.

No, we're broke.

No worries. I'll buy.

Korkin, that woman clearly just escaped from somewhere not good.

That's why we get the food and then ditch her ass.

Go tell Jake the plan. Let me handle this. Okay?

Hey, hey. Thanks, buddy.

Hey, you guys, grab a basket, get anything you want.

Sweet.

WOMAN: See you tomorrow.

Hey, Jake, it's me. Let's go.

Korky's going to ditch her as soon as she buys us food.

Yeah, Andy. Why don't I just lube my hands

so I can shove it up my ass and remove the bag of ganja

(FARTING) lodged in my rectum?

(GROANS)

Hey, handsome. Hey.

We're going to take all of this,

and everything you got in the register.

Whoa! Hello!

Come on. Come on.

All right. Don't shoot. Move.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Stop pressuring me!

WOMAN: Hurry up. Hurry up. MAN: I'm hurrying.

Come on. Let's go.

Keys, please.

Come on, come on.

Thanks.

You guys might wanna hit the floor right about now.

Yes, ma'am. Okay, then.

(LAUGHING)

You bitches stay on the floor. Your ho is gonna die.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORN HONKING)

Back door! Hey, Jake, back door. Come on!

(JAKE MUMBLING)

Go, go, go, go!

(GROANING)

You okay?

Shit.

Thought you took care of that.

Fucker never came out.

Pretty sure the baggie burst, though.

ANDY: No signal.

Who are you calling?

I don't know, man. 911? We need some help.

What are you gonna tell them? Our stolen taxi got stolen?

Wait, you have a better idea? No.

Not yet, but I'm not a quitter. I'm finishing this thing.

Finishing what, Korkin? You don't even play beer pong.

We're in deep shit here, man, and it's all your fault,

so you better start praying we get out of this somehow.

You want me to pray? You want me to pray?

Fine!

Here I am praying that Jake can squeeze a fucking pot brownie

from his rectum. Please, God.

Here I am praying that Arash isn't devoured by goats.

Here I am praying that the aliens return Andy's balls,

so he can be a man and dump his lame-ass girlfriend!

Here I am praying for a miraculous rescue

before the cops take us all to jail!

Amen! Is that good enough for you?

You guys okay?

Wow.

Wow.

No. We're not, actually. We're in big trouble.

Would you believe our van got stolen?

That sucks. Were you just at the retreat?

Why, yes!

Yes, we were at the retreat. We were retreating.

But now we're here, alone in the wilderness,

all by ourselves.

Well, we could give you guys a ride to the next town, I guess.

That would be mighty kind. We're headed to Nashville.

We're from Arkansas. We go right through there.

Thank God you stopped.

Well, you see four guys praying by the side of the road,

and you kind of feel obligated, you know?

Hello.

Is your friend okay?

I'm fine. Much better now.

I can totally hear myself blink.

Think.

So, do you guys wanna go to the cops?

ALL: No.

Yeah, that car sucked, anyway.

Yeah, it's insured.

So, what's next?

Party, dumbass.

Jake's baggie burst. He's stoned and happy.

Even Ass-rash here might get laid.

ANDY: Nobody's getting laid.

Hate to tell you this, but this is a church retreat about chastity.

What the hell is chastity?

Abstinence from sexual intercourse.

What?

Abstinence from sexual intercourse.

No sex until marriage.

Well, that's fucking perfect.

I'm a devout heathen, you're gonna cheat on your girlfriend

with a beer pong model, Jake's stoned out of his fucking gourd,

and Ass-rash here is a Muslim.

I am Hindu, asshole. Is there a difference?

(SHUSHING) And if you call me Ass-rash again,

I will rip off your arm

and I will bitchslap you with your own hand.

Just a joke, man.

(LAUGHS)

No need to go all third world on me.

Wow, is that your van?

Let go! Wow.

No. No. No.

KORKIN: That one's a taxi. ARASH: No.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Ready? Okay. Okay, you got this.

I got this. All right.

My name's Sarah. Korkin.

What's your first name?

People call me Korkin.

So, Sarah,

have you ever been tempted to break the chastity code?

I sure have.

Well, Korkin, my father, people call him Reverend.

He founded the Chastity Movement.

So, does that answer your question?

Yeah. Guess so.

Good. Now I've got one for you.

What's the deal?

I saw you duck when we passed the cops.

Okay. Okay.

I like you,

so I'm gonna do something here

that I never really do, ever,

and tell the truth. You better,

or you're going to be finding another ride.

(CLEARING THROAT)

We weren't at any retreat. No.

Andy and Jake are actually beer pong players

from the University of Ithaca,

and technically I'm their manager,

but really I just tag along to cause trouble.

We're trying to get to Atlanta for Nationals,

but we've got to go through Nashville first

so that Andy can hook up with a beer pong model.

And our stolen van...

I mean, our van was stolen by that chick after she robbed a store

and got us shot at.

That's it.

So will you take us?

To Nashville or Atlanta?

Both?

Road trip?

Road trip! Road trip!

Yes! Yeah.

* Philosophy *

* Is the talk on a cereal box *

* Religion *

KATY: Hmm.

What?

(SCOFFS) Come on.

* I'm not aware of too many things *

* I know what I know, if you know what I mean *

* D-doo yeah *

What's wrong?

Nothing. I just feel a little out of place.

Girl, please, chill out. Here.

Have some fun. I mean, these girls are all really, really close.

That's pretty close.

So what I didn't tell you is, we're all LUGs.

(CLEARS THROAT) You're what?

Lesbians Until Graduation.

Okay. I'm confused about a lot of things right now,

but I'm pretty sure that I'm still straight.

Yeah, okay. That's what I said my first time, too.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Andrew.

Hey, Jenna. So, we're on the road.

Did you find another bus full of models to play with?

Yeah, but they only do cornhole tournaments.

JENNA: You Americans and your corn.

Anyway, my friends, they start to think you are my fantasy.

Well, I am, right? Your fantasy?

Of course, mon amour.

Since our last kiss that tragic day,

you have been my one thought,

my one breath, my one dream.

(LAUGHING)

No pregnancy. No VD,

and let me just say, women know how to love other women.

That's the LUG life, baby.

Yeah, I bet the initiation ceremony is a whole lot of fun.

So, are you seeing anyone?

Other then drunk college boys

with beer breath and bad hair? No.

And you?

With your music career, you must meet many beautiful women.

Totally, all the time.

I mean, too many to choose from, really. It's crazy.

How nice of you to fit me into your busy schedule, monsieur Casanova.

Well, we do have some unfinished business,

if I recall correctly.

Indeed we do. Indeed we do.

I'm not saying you gotta LUG it out.

I mean, how long has it been

since you haven't had a boyfriend?

Since about the sixth grade.

Girl, please.

How you supposed to be sure about this guy unless you look around?

And how do you know he's not doing the same damn thing

while he's out on his mysterious little trip?

(DEVICE BEEPING)

SUJATMI: Thank you for using Auto Service System.

My name is Sujatmi. How may I help you?

Sujatmi is a lovely name. My name is Arash. I'm from Tandoor.

Oh, my God!

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Sujatmi, I'm so lonely.

Arash, that is so sad.

Sujatmi, I have not spoken with a Tandoori female

in many, many a moon.

That is a long time, Arash.

Is this a dream? Is this reality?

No, this is all a fantasy.

Okay. Are you ready?

For fantasy?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

What are you wearing?

I'm wearing a very stylish shirt.

I'm also wearing some pajamas with squirrels, pink squirrels.

What are you wearing?

A sari. ARASH: A sari.

I bet it is a lovely sari. What color is it?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SUJATMI SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Well, here I am, Arash. Here I am.

ARASH: Your voice is so lovely right now. Are you hot?

Yes, I am so hot. Oh.

Are you hot? I'm very, very hot.

So hot there is literally a fire in my pants.

How big is the fire?

I'd say three to four-alarmer.

It's a big one. Why don't you blow it out?

I can't. I can't. It's too big. Please.

You have put a spell on my banana.

Yes. Is it peeling?

It is peeling. It is ripe.

Yes.

Right now, you're so tight, I need to loosen you up.

You caveman.

I will take you and, with a club,

beat you on the head and bring you to my cave.

Hibernate in the winter.

Yes. Yes.

It's very dirty. I do not wipe anything. Yes. Yes.

There's stuff everywhere.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

ARASH: I will bathe you. You are the man.

Do you like the loofah?

I do. I will loofah your behind.

Smother you with lather. I am playing with my banana.

If you were in a field right now, I would till it.

No one has tilled it before.

No one has tilled you?

No. Maybe.

I just want Tandoori boobiebs.

That's me.

Arash, Arash, Sujatmi is here.

Sujatmi, I will take you home, I will put you on my bed...

Oh, God.

...and then I will...

All over your place.

(BOTH SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Sujatmi. Arash.

Sujatmi, touch it, touch it. Arash.

Oh.

Touch it good. Oh, Arash!

I am playing the pied piper. Arash.

Arash. Arash. Peel the banana.

ARASH: Do you like the baby gravy on your mashed potatoes?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(BOAR SQUEALING)

(THUD) GIRL: What did you do?

(SCREAMING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

It appears you have had an accident.

ANDY: Arash, what was that?

Oh.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

KYLE: Arash hit a wild boar during his telephone orgasm,

and it got stuck under the bus. You killed it.

I just ejaculated. Lick my balls.

But they decided to leave it there in case they got hungry.

Kind of like when you're fishing and you get hungry,

so you decide to eat some worms.

What? Fish eat them.

That's all very fascinating, Kyle,

but I'd rather hear more about you.

No, not me. In fact, my heart is racing.

I want to hear the end. Please?

So, our group was back on the move.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

All right, Arash. You're coming?

I'm up. Okay. Done.

I've got the gas. You got it?

Yeah. All right, grab it.

Okay, cool. Okay, go under my arm.

Okay.

Got it.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Arash, come on, man. That's disgusting.

ARASH: What's new, virgins?

SARAH: We need to stop, okay?

We're hungry, we're grubby,

and this bus smells like rancid bacon.

(GASPS)

You got a little eye booger there.

Where are we?

We had to make a little stop.

For the night.

Korkin, what'd you do now?

KORKIN: It's more like, what am I going to do now?

Right now, I'm facing the greatest challenge of my young life.

Sarah is the daughter of the preacher

who founded Chastity Until Marriage.

We pull this off, we are talking legendary.

Biblical.

So where are we?

Getting lucky in Kentucky.

(MOMMA HARTMAN WHOOPING)

Where is my Katy's honey?

Momma Hartman?

There you are, sweetie. I have missed you so much.

Well, come on off this smelly bus.

I am just so glad that my Katy called and let me know

that you boys needed a crash pad.

(GROANING)

Everybody grab a shower. Ladies first.

Go on, go on. You know where it is. Go on. There you go.

In the meantime, I'm gonna figure out something for supper.

What in the world is... Oh, my gosh.

There's fried chicken with all the fixings,

and veggie lasagna for all you poor non-meat eaters,

and, Arash, honey, I didn't know what you are,

so I made you some enchiladas

and some Pad Thai and some Baba Ghanoush.

We eat goat testicles.

Ah.

ARASH: Delicious.

You boys look so spiffy.

You look spiffy, too.

I am so glad I didn't get rid of Papa Hartman's old clothes.

This is wrong. This is so wrong.

We were nearby. I had to improvise.

And by the way, Katy said to give her a ring.

What?

You should call her.

MOMMA HARTMAN: May I have everyone's attention?

I wanna show y'all something.

These are my two beautiful oldest daughters, Katrina and Kerry,

and their wonderful husbands.

And then this is for my Katy and Andy.

Hopefully someday soon!

GIRLS: Aw.

Isn't that sweet?

Andy! Well, this just calls for a toast, doesn't it?

Yes! Toast.

To the future happy couple.

ALL: Cheers.

That's so sweet.

(GROANS)

JAKE: Beer pong 101.

KORKIN: See what happens?

JAKE: Ready? All right.

This is the face-off.

Look into her eyes and be ready.

A toast.

To the ponging of the balls.

Cheers! Cheers!

GIRL: Nice! Oh, my gosh.

No, they can judge you. No, they can't.

That's not very judgmental. Is that your thing?

Yes. Here.

She's talking shit about you guys. She's talking shit.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Okay, so I'm here not hearing from you all day,

and you have that asshole Korkin calling me for a place to stay?

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. He stole my phone when I was asleep.

Impressive.

Yeah, I know many survival skills.

Yeah, sure.

Andy, why aren't you in Georgia,

and what's with the busload of girls?

Well, we had to hitch a ride. Got a little detoured.

But the Chastity Girls are harmless.

The Chastity Girls?

It's a church group, sort of.

Anyway, I'm in your room. Right.

Safe and sound.

SARAH: Sex without love dooms relationships,

because people spend more time screwing

than really getting to know each other.

Nice. Oh, my gosh.

Did I just do that? Yes!

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Bye.

So then, is sex without love

the same thing as premarital sex?

People have different definitions.

So what is yours?

I've never really had the chance to decide.

Most guys don't have the balls

to go after a preacher's daughter,

despite our reputation for being naughty.

I got your anniversary present.

Already?

Yeah, Korkin sent me the link.

In The Buff? It's all over YouTube. I can't believe you did that.

* Girl, it ain't so tough *

* To sing it in the buff *

* In the buff! *

ANDY: Korkin!

Andy!

* In the buff, in the buff *

Half a million people, man.

It's a top-featured video on YouTube.

I know.

Now the whole world knows you have no balls.

That's still not funny. It's never been funny.

Dude, chill. I'm your promoter, right?

I did my job. I made you a big star. Now when Jenna sees Big A,

your little story will seem legit.

I don't know about Jenna.

I mean, Katy, she's so amazing.

She transferred just for me.

Just see it through.

When you get to Jenna, you'll know what to do.

Remember, this is a vision quest, a rite of passage.

A road trip. A road trip, yes, it is!

Now go away.

Leave me the fuck alone, please. I'm on a mission here.

ARASH: It's true, I walked down the streets of Tandoori City,

I look in the monkey eyes, and I say,

"You are right. There are no virgins here."

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

What are the...

Too much caffeine.

Wanna get hot and sticky?

(CLEARING THROAT)

Arash, honey, I found a pair of pants for you.

Thank you, and thank you for the wonderful meal.

It was my pleasure, hon.

But I know your mom could have done it better.

No. Your Baba Ghanoush surpassed

that of my father's finest cooks,

and actually, ma'am, I don't have a mother.

My father wouldn't allow me to meet her

for fear we would conspire to kill him

and assume the throne of Tandoor.

I'm gonna tell you what I used

to tell my children every single day.

Your daddy's an asshole.

Now you come here to me.

Come on.

You have got a mama now. Yes, you do!

You're my mama.

Yes, I am your mama. You're my son.

Oh...

Let it out. Let it out.

Asshole!

Yeah. There you go. There you go.

You are the hole in the ass.

Yeah, that's better.

Rectal chamber.

Yeah. Dungeon of poo.

I know all about competitive and domineering parents,

so if you decide to come to Ithaca, I can help.

Thank you, Kyle. That's so sweet.

Lydia, let's go. We're leaving right now!

No, Mother. I'm staying.

And you know what? Leave me alone,

or I swear to God, I will go to Cornell,

and it will cost you a fucking fortune.

Good job. Thanks.

MOMMA HARTMAN: Bye-bye.

Here you go.

Safe trip.

Right, now you eat something.

Munchies!

And, Arash, honey, I gave you a little extra helping of Baba Ghanoush.

You just call me anytime, you hear me?

Yes.

I wish you birthed me.

I'm sorry for flooding your toilets.

Oh.

Andrew.

Listen, I don't know what's going on between you and Katy,

but just be honest with each other.

Hey.

Okay.

It was good to see you.

It was great seeing you.

Oh.

And I jacked up the front of the bus

and cut that hog right out of there.

Well, enjoy your ham sandwiches, everybody.

GIRL 1: Bye! GIRL 2: See you.

Bye! Bye!

Bye! Bye! Okay. Stay safe.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

ARASH: Ladies and gentlemen,

we have reached our final destination.

Prepare to get your pong on!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

JENNA: You throw like a girl!

Two times, you cannot hit even a small target?

One more strike... Jenna!

...and you're out if I'm not in, baby!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

So much has changed.

You're now so big and strong.

I'll take over. Looks like you need a break.

Thanks. Hurry, come with me.

(CHEERING)

JENNA: Hello, everyone.

This is my friend Andy.

You probably have seen a lot of him on the net.

And he is here today especially

to perform his new song In The Buff!

(CHEERING)

CROWD: (CHANTING) In The Buff! In The Buff! In The Buff!

In The Buff! In The Buff!

* After five years of love *

* This song's just not enough *

* So I decided I won't be denied *

* And I'll sing it in the buff *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough to sing it in the buff *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough *

* In the buff, in the buff *

Oh, my God!

* Girl, it ain't so tough to sing it in the buff *

Thank you!

Thank you, my Andy.

CROWD: (CHANTING) Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!

What do you see?

An amazingly gorgeous girl

who once made a really dorky American

feel cool before falling out of a hay loft.

So let's see it.

Whoa.

Not too bad for a cadaver.

Hello.

Andy's song inspired me.

Oh, sweet God!

Hello!

But I'm having a little trouble with this bra.

So did I.

Here, you know what, let me help you.

You know what you do when someone has a boo-boo?

Kiss it. Make it better.

I've dreamed of this so many times.

Were they, how do you say, the water dreams?

Yeah. Sometimes twice a day.

* In the buff *

* In the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough to sing it in the buff *

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thank you!

Thank you, my Andy.

Take it off for Andy!

I can't. I'm sorry. Sorry.

It's...

It's complicated.

Perhaps it's better that way, because I must leave, anyway.

You know how I was hoping

for the next step on the ladder? Well, it came.

A big agency saw me for a shoot in Paris.

That's great. You deserve it.

Yeah.

But always remember, when those crazy model bitches attack...

* Don't you crack, don't you crack *

* 'Cause, baby, Big A's got your back *

BOTH: * Big A's got your back *

My Andrew.

Whatever happens, your complication

is a very lucky girl.

ARASH: How about some of this? And then that?

You're gonna go down.

You're going to go downtown.

Take the train. Yes, you want some?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

ARASH: Here we go. Yes, here we go! Step it up.

Yeah?

KATY: You lied to me, Andy.

You really were freaked out. So maybe after five years of love,

instead of getting in the buff,

you should have just told me the truth.

Have fun with your French beer bitch.

Liar.

Korkin? God...

Dude! What? This is becoming a very bad habit.

We gotta leave, man. Now. Come on.

You couldn't do it, could you?

No, I could have. But I didn't.

Then that's why we came here, right? To find out?

No, no. You wanted to come here. I didn't want to come here.

I swear, if you didn't have a boner right now, I'd kick your ass.

It's pretty intimidating, huh?

You know what?

He probably didn't mention that screwing you

would be the biggest challenge of his life, did he?

"Biblical," if I recall correctly.

Biblical, huh?

KORKIN: No.

SARAH: Let's see about that.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

She won't answer any of my calls.

Who?

All right. I was just checking.

I taught him the Tandoori national anthem.

And we found weed.

We encountered a Tandoori team from Harvard.

And they wanna scrimmage us.

They gave us these glorious fatties

to celebrate the imprisonment

of Captain Mother Bitch Bag of Douche, my father.

Yeah, and by the way, I finally took a shit.

And get this,

the weed was gone...

But where did it go?

...and in its place was a turd in a baggie!

The human body is truly an amazing machine.

(FARTS)

We have to go.

Yeah.

MANDEE: Ladies and gentlemen,

your three-time defending national champion,

Raz-R!

(EXCLAIMS)

And last but not least, representing the University of Ithaca,

North-East regional champions, Hagan Hall!

(CROWD CHANTING)

What up, Fake?

Ready to be exposed

as the burnout, scraggily, Sasquatch-looking fraud you are?

I will bitchslap the... Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah? Yeah.

I got nothing, bro. Sorry.

You got nothing because you are nothing.

Why don't you go back to your dorm where it's safe?

Let the big dog eat!

(BARKS)

MANDEE: Take your places... You ready for this?

Totally. I'm fine. ...for the Beer Pong Nationals.

Brought to you by Beer Pong America.

And now, round one.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

Yeah. I actually invented that trick.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

MANDEE: Round two, the quarterfinals.

CROWD: (CHANTING) Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go!

Dude, you suck.

(CROWD CHEERING)

You'll never make it.

So close.

Hurricane Jake.

Booya!

MANDEE: The Pong America Semifinals.

Okay. How do you do? You want a piece of this?

Okay, okay, okay!

That's not really playing fair, is it?

Don't even...

Taxi!

Damn.

Excuse me?

Where's Andy?

The complication.

You're a lucky girl.

He's inside.

Any more weed?

The Tandooris have been smoking

since they lost in the first round,

and now they're completely tapped out.

That's gonna be a problem.

All right, guys. This is it.

I want a good clean match, okay? No contact whatsoever.

ANDY: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jake, you know what happens when you drink too much.

Lost my high, bro. I gotta do something.

All right. Nice, Jake.

No surprises, okay? It's us against Raz-R and Jabba.

Now, hey,

if Jake wins possession,

we have to hit every throw 'cause they will not miss.

I know. Okay. Okay?

Get your shit straight.

Okay. Okay. Okay? Okay.

Ready? Ready.

All right, do your thing. Okay.

ANDY: Katy?

I swear, nothing happened.

It doesn't matter. Okay, okay, something happened.

Something little. I kissed her

on the lips and the toes... Andy.

...and the whole general foot and ankle area...

Andy, it's okay. You made a mistake. I made a mistake.

I shouldn't have transferred.

I'm gonna go back to CMU.

And then things can go back to normal?

Our weekly virtual thing? 'Cause I really like the Skype sex.

How about you could just be my hometown guy for a while,

and we'll see each other on breaks?

Christmas, summer...

Hey! Hey.

Hey, Katy. It's good to see you.

(WHISTLING) Listen, buddy, it's game time.

I know. Just one minute. Okay?

You know what? Actually, I gotta go.

No, no, no. It's the finals. Please stay.

Look, I really want you here.

MANDEE: Beer Pong America National finalists, take your positions.

Winner take all. Good luck.

Thanks.

And may the best team win.

(CHEERING)

Tournament rules apply, and the decision of the judge is final.

The winner will be undisputed world champions.

All right. This is it.

Trick shot for possession.

Peons, plebes and punkass bitches.

Miss it. Miss it!

We're fucked.

Thank you very much.

Bring it, Fake. What you got?

I'll tell you what I got.

God damn it!

MANDEE: Possession, Raz-R Bax.

Don't worry, boys. It's gonna be quick and painless.

You. You and me!

This is ridiculous. Hey, Raz-R!

Why don't you just take a little peek at that?

Kiss it. Love it.

KORKIN: You want a little piece of that?

Make a wish. Rub it. The genie will come out, baby.

Fuck that shit.

How about that? You want it? You like that?

You hungry for that? We rack!

Are you serious? Golly!

How do you like that, son?

That's real questionable, buddy.

Forgot to wipe.

All right. Don't worry about it, guys.

Let's go! Let's go, Jake!

Tandoori time!

(CHEERING)

Whoa, whoa.

Ref, time out!

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

Thirty-second time out, Hagan Hall from Ithaca.

Everybody, gather around.

Let's bow our heads, close our eyes, and let's pray.

(RAZ-R LAUGHING)

You gotta be kidding me.

Are you serious, man?

It worked for you, didn't it?

Yeah.

This is a fucking joke.

Bounce it at them. Finish them off.

Nice stop, Raz-R Bax. Ball's to Hagan Hall.

Suck it!

Kiss it now, big boy. Kiss it now.

Ready? Ready? All right. Let's send these bitches home.

You cool?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Shoot, freak. I'm waiting.

Are you guys seeing this?

It went in! Yes! It went in!

Fuck you!

Yeah!

(THUD) Yeah!

No!

Hey, Jake. Is he out?

He never has to drink this much, man. He's got zero tolerance.

Fucking amateurs.

Even if you get it in, it's over.

No subs allowed.

He's right. The rule is, if your partner can't shoot, you forfeit.

Maybe you wanna sing your little swan song first, In The Buff.

Be my guest. It's all yours.

MANDEE: Hagan Hall, resume play or forfeit.

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Thought you were with him.

KATY: No. He was just a distraction.

Raz-R, you're the man.

Wait, what did she just say?

What did she just say?

She said I'm the man.

(EXCLAIMS)

What?

Game over, asshole!

What? What?

Dude!

Okay, okay, not bad, Katy. Not bad at all.

I thought you said girlfriends and beer pong don't mix.

No.

Welcome to the show, honey.

I thought you said you were just my hometown honey.

We've got to find more weed.

And that's how Ithaca won its first national sports championship.

Wait, well, what happened to everybody?

KYLE: Well, Andy tried to follow up his YouTube success In The Buff

with the Beer Pong Song. It ended up a one-hit wonder,

and his 15 minutes of fame only lasted 15 minutes.

Katy regained her scholarship.

She and Andy hooked up on Thanksgiving

and Christmas and summer break,

and that time he came home for his great aunt's funeral.

Having met the perfect girl,

Arash returned to Ithaca, got a job

and worked his way through college.

But before he could commit,

he had to take her home to Kentucky to Momma Hartman's field.

He needed Momma Hartman to teach Sujatmi how to "till it."

(CHATTERING)

Jake now coaches Ithaca's National Champion Beer Pong Team,

and we petitioned to make it an Olympic sport.

And Korkin found the one girl

worth being doused with concentrated urine and feces.

Good for him.

And as for me,

I will remain at Ithaca,

an ever vigilant PUSE proudly serving our students,

until I can get a real job or until my dad dies.

Any questions?

Yeah.

Could you tell me where those LUGs hang out?

(IN THE BUFF PLAYING)

* Buff *

* Hey, hey *

* Buff *

* After five years of love *

* This song's just not enough *

* So I decided I won't be denied and I'll sing it in the buff *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough to do it in the buff *

* Buff *

* Hey, hey *

* Buff *

* When I sing this song *

* It's just like making love *

* And I can't fake it, I'm totally naked *

* I'm singing in the buff *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough to do it in the buff *

* Buff *

* Hey, hey *

* Buff *

* We just wanna, yeah, we just wanna be naked *

* Naked *

* We don't want to, no, we don't want to wear clothes *

* Wear clothes *

* We just wanna, yeah, we just wanna be naked *

* Naked *

* We don't want to, no, we don't want to wear clothes *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough to do it in the buff *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough *

* In the buff, in the buff *

* Girl, it ain't so tough to do it in the buff *

* To do it in the buff *

* To do it in the buff *

* To do it in the buff *

* In the buff *