All language subtitles for Its.A.Disaster.2012.1080p.BluRay.x264-BRMP HI

♪♪ [ "1812 Overture" ] ♪♪

♪♪ [ Continues ] ♪♪

♪♪ [ Finale Begins ] ♪♪

♪♪ [ Ends ] ♪♪
[ Woman ]
Oh! Oh!

[ Man ]
What?

The song.
The song?

The— The song—
Uh, the ‘‘1812 Overture.’’

The— The finale
from ‘‘1812 Overture."

Yeah.
What about it?

Well, you just—
It was building
to the big finale,

and you cut it off
right before it ended.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Oh, no. Please don't be sorry.
No, I— I'm just being stupid.

It's— It's just that
whenever a song comes on,

if it— if it's building
to, like, the big chorus
or whatever,

and if it gets cut off,
then I feel unfulfilled
psychologically.

Oh. Huh.

You don't get that?

Uh, I guess I haven't really
thought about it.

You didn't want to hear
how it ended?

Well, I've heard it before.
No, I'm sure you have.

You didn't want to hear it
just now?

No— I mean, yeah. Sure.
You want me to put it
back on?

Oh, no, no. Please, no.
Then we'd be sitting in a car
listening to a song—

Guess what?
I want to hear it now.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Man On Radio ]
Maybe during our
previous membership campaign,

you stood on the sidelines
and said “I’ll wait to call in”—

Right. We were listening
to the radio.

The radio.
Yeah, it's the radio.

[ Man On Radio ]
Wait no more.

There’s a pledge drive
right now.

We can go inside now.
Oh, okay. Yeah.

[ Horn Honks ]
Oh, could you—

Oh, sorry. Uh—
[ Horn Honks ]

[ Chirps ]
All right. You have to—
All right.

Yeah.
[ Honks, Chirps ]

That should do it.
Ahh! Right.

Can I, uh, help you
with it?
No, no. I got it.

[ Honks ]
Hope they like it.

Have you made it
for brunch before?

Not vegan. No.
Lexi's gone vegan,
so everyone has to suffer.

And-And Lexi is, uh,
Peter's wife?
Lexi is Buck's wife.

Emma is Pete's wife.

Okay. Yes.

All right.
[ Dog Barking ]

If Lexi and Buck
start singing songs,

just nod and smile
and pretend it's good.
Okay. [ Chuckles ]

One more thing.
Don't say anything about
Shane and Hedy's wedding.

Who?
Shane and Hedy.

Shane and Hedy—
no wedding.
Long story.

Okay.

Ohh!

♪♪ [ Stereo: Pop ] ♪♪
Hi.

Okay. Hi, hon.

Hi.
So this is him?

- Glenn.
- I'm Emma.

Hi.
Ooh. Good choice.

Great. Come in, kids.
Please.

Wow.
This place is great.
Thank you.

Do you, uh, rent or own?
We are proud home owners.

We got it really cheap because
there was a murder-suicide
in the kitchen.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Technically, the couple died
in the ambulance on the way
to the hospital.

But the real estate agent
said everybody else
was spooked away.

Wow.
Hello.

Hi. Hi.
Hi. I'm Hedy.

This is Glenn.
Glenn.

Glenn.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Can I, uh, take your coat?
I'm putting it upstairs
on the bed in the bedroom...

'cause sometimes the cats
like to pee—

And we've also hired her
as our coat-check girl.
Oh, congratulations.

Yeah. Good.
Please remember to tip her.
She gets real mad.

[ Chuckles ]
I'm serious.

Do you want me
to put that on the table?
I'll just put it in the kitchen.

Jenny and Gordon
aren't here yet.

We're not waiting for
Jenny and Gordon to eat?
No. We'll give them till 12:30.

'Cause Jenny and Gordon
are notoriously late.
Oh. I got friends like that.

No, they're worse.
[ Woman ]
Tracy! Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Hey, how are you. Pete.
Pete, Glenn.

Yeah. Glenn.
Welcome to our humble abode.
Oh, thanks. It's adorable.

Oh! I've heard so much
about you.
Oh, thanks.

This is Lexi.
Oh. Oh, the vegan.

The vegan? That's how
she refers to me?
I'm the vegan?

No. No, 'cause we were
talking about the stew.

Oh.
She just mentioned— Yeah.

Right. Honey, I told you
you didn't have to make
anything different.

I'd be fine.
I didn't want you
to feel left out.

If I didn't want to be
left out, I wouldn't
be a vegan, right?

Well, I made it,
and it's delicious.

I'm not even hungry, so—
It's really good.

You guys are so cute.
Oh.

Oh, thanks for coming.
Do you want a drink?

Uh, yes, please.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Whispering ]
Sorry about that.

Bring your soup?
Uh, started as soup.

Oh, yes, I've been there.
Um, babe, I put your coat
on the bed.

So whenever you're ready
to put the phone away.
I got it. Thanks.

Um, you've got,
like, five minutes.
No, I've got 25 minutes.

We've been here for 15.
It starts
when we get here.

No, it starts when
we were talking about it.

Babe, I'm in the middle
of an auction.

Can you just
say hi to Glenn?
Human interaction.

Can I help you?
No, I got it. Please, relax.
Do you want a mimosa?

Okay. You sure that
you don't need my help?
Yeah, I got it.

Uh, Glenn,
a mimosa?
Know what?

I think Glenn looks like
a man that appreciates
the finer things in life.

How about a scotch?
Uh, sure.

All right.
These snap peas
are the shit.

He's cute.
Thanks.

Can you behave
please?
What? What did I do?

Literally, we just walked in
the door, and you're already
picking a fight with me.

How is that different
from every other time
we see each other?

I'm on a date, and I'm
trying to impress the man.

What number date
is this, Tracy?
Third.

Oh, wow. If we make it
to number five,
we'll be golden.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Just that usually you
cut them off before that.
You check the scores?

I don't know.
Are you online?

I'm on eBay.
Why are you on eBay?

He's trying
to get a comic book.

No, it's not just
a comic book.
It's colorful.

Um, it's a near-mint
X-Men, 120.

The first appearance
of Alpha Flight.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.
What is an Alpha Flight?

It's a Canadian superhero team
from Marvel Comics.

There's a Canadian
superhero team?
[ Chuckles ]

Who do they fight—
Quebec secessionists?

No. This guy has it
on sale for five dollars,
and it's worth over 160.

Whoa!
Wait, 160 U.S.?

Wait. Where did you say
that you met Glenn,
at the hospital?

At the grocery store.

♪♪ [ Alt Rock ] ♪♪
Where'd you and Tracy meet?

Online.
Well, no shame in that.
That's where we found our vet.

That's great.
That's really good.

Yeah, it'll help you
get through this.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm sorry. What?

Couples' brunch.
Oh, no. I'm looking
forward to it.

Really?
Yeah, sure.

Can I ask you
a question, Glenn?
Sure.

If you had to call someone up,
tell them some bad news,

would you tell them right away
or would you chitchat first?

Chitchat.
Yeah. You know, small talk.
‘‘How you doin'?"

No, I—
‘‘What's goin' on?"

I know. I know.
‘‘Nice weather.
Just— It's crazy."

Right, right. No, um—

Uh, well, I suppose it
would depend on the severity
of the bad news.

Hmm. What do you mean?
Uh, well,

if I'm calling to let
somebody know that,
um, you know,

a family member passed away,
then no chitchat.

I wouldn't beat around
the bush with that.
Right.

Um, but if I was calling
to let them know that, uh,

you know, they didn't
get an apartment,
then, yeah, chitchat.

Yeah, you know—
Mmm.

Talk a little bit.
You in the apartment
rental business?

No. No, I'm a teacher.

So why do you call people
and tell them they didn't
get an apartment?

[ Chuckles ]
I— I don't.

I'm sorry. I thought
the conversation was hypothetical.

No, the conversation is real, Glenn.

The problem is hypothetical.

Oh.
Yeah.

Hey. Are we gonna talk
about this, or are you
just gonna—

You need something?
No, I'm okay.

I can't get a signal
in there.
Hmm.

You getting a signal?
Hmm?

On your phone?
Mmm.

Well, feel free
to use my computer
in the living room.

Oh, I don't want to
interrupt brunch.
Mmm.

I got nothing.
Very considerate.

Um, well, the reception
back here is pretty spotty.

You might want to try
the front porch.
Okay.

I can drink this out there?
Yeah. Of course you can.
Why would you—

Weird.

Emma, we need
to talk about this.

So Glenn agrees with me.
About what?

That it's better to just
rip the Band-Aid off.

What did you tell him?
I didn't tell him anything.

I just asked him
a hypothetical question.

Well, he's not stupid, Pete.
He's gonna know what
you're asking for.

We just met the guy.
How is he gonna have
any idea what I'm asking for?

And how— how do we know
he's not stupid?

[ Sighs ]
We had an agreement.

Yeah, well,
agreements change.

No, they don't.
That's why they're agreements.

This is awkward.
Well, deal with it.

Yeah. I'll deal with it.

[ Children Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Beeping ]
Damn. I bet this game
is so good too.

I got nothing.
Me neither.

I'm with AT&T.
How about you?
I have no idea.

But I will ask this
young lady to use her phone.
Mom, slow down.

No, I'm not at home.
No, I'm not watching
the news.

Excuse me, Miss?
Miss?

Hey, can I, uh, borrow
your phone real quick?

I'm currently on the phone.
Oh, okay. I'll wait.

What's his name?
Could you not—

[ Siren Wailing ]
What's his name?

Mom? No, I don't know.
Some guy on the side walk.
He's cute.

Could you not?
Come on. He loves it.

One of them, kinda.
I—

Hey. Hey.
Shit!

[ Scoffs ]
Oh, can I— Miss?

All right, well, see ya.

Oh, God.
I'm so allergic to dogs.

Next to the place
where I get my pedicure...

is this vintage store
that opened up.

I know you guys think
I have the worst fashion
sense ever, but I did find—

- I like vintage.
- I found this really
awesome bag.

[ Tracy ] Except for the mothballs.
[ Hedy ] I think you'd—
I think you'd really like it.

- You usually hate the bags that I buy.
- An evening bag or a bag bag?

A bag bag.
Do you want to come
upstairs and see it?

Yeah.
[ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

I'll— I'll just be right back.
[ Sirens Continues ]

[ Dog Barking In Distance ]

♪♪ [ Stereo: Rock ] ♪♪

Mmm! Good carrots.

You want to see
my glockenspiel?

Oh, you're, uh, referring
to the musical instrument?
Yes.

[ Chuckles ]
What else would I
be referring to?

No, I don't—
Uh, 'cause— Yeah.

Tracy had mentioned that, uh,
you and Buck, uh, perform.
Oh, yeah.

We perform all right.

If you behave yourself
at brunch today,
maybe we'll let you tap it.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪ [ Continues ] ♪♪

[ iPhone Clicks ]

Do you bump?
[ Typing ]

Hmm? Excuse me?
Bump. It's an app.

Oh, yeah. Oh, the thing
with the— the information
sharing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You want to try it?

Yeah. I'm not sure what, uh,
how that works.

Uh—

This one?
Okay.

Okay.

Uh, all right.
I don't think you have
to actually hit it.

Hmm.
I'm not getting
any signal at all.

No connection. Awkward.
All right— Ohh!
Ohh!

[ Clatters On Floor ]
I said you don't have to—

[ Laughs ]

What is goin' on here?

Are you guys bumping?
We were bumping.

Glennzo, are you bumping
my wife behind my back?
What's going on here?

Their screens aren't even
protected. That is gross.
Oh, Glenn.

Ooh, is that hummus?
Yes. Vegan, yes.
Uh, where's Hedy and Tracy?

They are upstairs in the bedroom
eating each other out.

[ Laughs ]

You ever seen Black Swan, Glenn?
[ Giggles ]

I told you it's so big.
It's super big.
But there's so many flaps.

- The flaps just get in the way.
- [ Hedy ] I know what you mean.

- [ Laughing ]
- You're like—

Did I say something funny?
Why? What happened?

Uh— Uh, Lexi
had made a joke,

uh, that,

uh, you and Hedy were
upstairs in the bedroom...

having a lesbian relationship.
[ Lexi ] Yeah!

[ Laughing ]

It sounds so gross
when he says it.

- Lesbian. Oh, that one.
- What? It would be hot.

- So, uh, Glenn, what do you do?
- He is a teacher.

- [ Glenn ] Yes.
- Oh, my God. Me too.

Tracy didn't tell you that?
I, uh— She's a teacher.
I didn't— Not yet.

What grade do you teach?
Uh, fourth. History.
And you?

Um, 12th.
Mostly A.P. Chemistry.

But now this semester,
they're letting me do a little bit
of conceptual physics.

Sorry.
[ Glenn ]
Oh, boy.

What are you—
an animal?

So what school are you at?

- St. Andrew's Elementary.
- Is that the one by the mall?

[ Glenn ]
Yes.
She loves the mall.

Oh, it's fun.
I love the mall.

[ Emma ]
It's a good school.
What school do you—

- I'm at M.L.K. downtown.
- Oh, I thought they closed that
down after the shooting. No?

No. They tried,
but they didn't succeed...

because some of us teachers
got together and we rallied
and we got a charter.

So— And it actually made me
a bit of an administrator
on campus.

- You didn't tell me that.
- But it's an un—

They're unpaid.
Unpaid administrators.

Yeah, but it's not about
the money, baby.

If it was about the money,
I would have taken the job at
the National Science Foundation.

- Right? Am I right?
- Right. Right, yeah.

Yeah.
I'm right.

Emma, I'm sorry to do this,
but this isn't working.

Are you still cool
with me using your computer?
Yeah. Go for it, totally.

- No, come on.
- What? What?

Do you have to do that
right now?
Babe, I'm dying here right now.

Okay? I mean,
you remember the guy...

who found the Declaration
of Independence for five dollars
at a garage sale?

You're not the guy
who found the Declaration
of Independence.

I'm about to though.
And I don't know
what's going on, all right?

Shane, as long as you're
disrupting the brunch,

I would like to vote
we go in there and check out
the score on the game.

No. We have it on the DVR.
Just watch it when we get home.

It's not like
watching the game live.
Hey, guys. Guys, seriously.

[ Shane ] I don't care.
I think the men would
all agree that, uh,

we'd love to go in there
and check on the score
of the game.

[ Buck ]
I would second that.
Glennzo?

- Score of what game?
- The U.T. game.

- Hook 'em, Horns.
- [ Glenn ] Oh, right. Right.

- No, that's the devil sign.
- [ Laughing ]

- You guys go watch
the fucking game already.
- Yes, please.

Great idea.
[ Lexi ] Yeah. Sure. Let's eat.
Have fun, honey.

Lexi, I'm not gonna
resist a lady's offer.
[ Chuckles ]

Come on.
No.

Great.

Glenn, you'd better go.
It's gonna get
all vaginal in here.

Okay. All right.
New word, please.
She can't say the V-word.

No, I can say it.
I know it's—
[ Laughs ]

I can say it. I just—
You can go.

Is it okay?
Um, is it okay to go?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay. I just
wanted to—

[ Static ]
[ Lexi ]
Bye, Glenn.

He's so cute.

He just asked for
your permission to get up.

He's so cute.
I'm gonna introduce him
to my father.

[ Laughs ]
Okay. Wait.

I want to know
what happened to Brad.

It turned out
he was fucking crazy.

- What?
- Right.

Brad didn't seem crazy.

What do you mean ‘‘right?"
How can every guy
you ever date...

turn out to be crazy?
They just do. I don't know.
I really know how to pick 'em.

Glenn doesn't seem crazy.
Are you saying it's me?

- No, no.
- What was crazy about him?
How was he crazy?

Perfect example.
I needed some mouthwash.

So I'm at his apartment,
and I open the medicine cabinet,

and there are giant glass jars
of nail clippings and human hair.

- Ew!
- Wait, that's not crazy.

His or someone else's?
Does it even matter?

Yeah, it might to
the Justice Department.

Well, I asked him about it,
and he said, ‘‘I don't know.
That's just how I was raised."

- Well, that makes sense.
- No, that's not right.

Wait. Whoa! Whoa!
He doesn't know
any different.

It's disgusting.
Why were you looking for
mouthwash at his apartment?

Oh, we just went
right over that part,
didn't we?

Because I am a lady,
and I like to have fresh breath.

What?
It's just— All right.

[ Pete ]
Do you have picture?
[ Buck ] Nope. Not yet.

Hey, who's, uh—
Who's this other guy
in the picture with Tracy?

That's, uh—
Brent?

No, that's Roger.

Oh, that is Roger.
Yeah.

Yeah. He was a good guy.
I liked him.

[ Buck ] He was cool.
[ Shane ] Yeah, that
was short-lived though.

Hey, guys, I don't mean to
freak your minds out, but I have
$65 riding on the game today.

[ Pete Whistles ]
Hey, uh, Glenn?

No need to tell the ladies
that, all right?

Yeah. Right.

[ Shane ]
Pete, your Internet's out too.

What? Yeah, well,
one thing at a time.

Uh, Pete, how long
y'all been married?

Eight years.

Lexi and I actually met
at their wedding.

She was a bridesmaid,
and I was in the band.

And he was told not once but twice
by the wedding planner...

to stop fraternizing
with the guests.
Yeah.

And rules are made
to be broken, dude.

If I hadn't broken
your stupid rules,
where would I be today?

Probably some place where
the Internet's working.

And how long have you
and Lexi been married?

Eight years.

But I thought you said—
But you met at the—

Sang on a Saturday,
sexed on a Sunday,
married on Monday.

It's true.

Dude, look, when I met Lexi,

I knew that she was the one
and that we would be
perfect together.

And we didn't give a shit
what our parents or sponsors...

or anybody else
had to say about it.

We marched on down to City Hall,
and we laid it to rest.

That's great.
Congratulations.
She seems like a great gal.

Then we went to
a T.G.I. Fridays, got wasted,

consummated in the bathroom.

Yeah.

There— That—
That place is fun.

How long have you
and Hedy been—

I, uh—

Oh, uh, no,
we're not married, uh, yet.
We're engaged.

Oh, great, great, great.
How long you been engaged?

Uh, six years.

You've been engaged
for six years?

Yeah.Just 'cause
two people get engaged...

doesn't mean they have to
get married right away.

- No, no. Of course—
- And there's no need
to succumb to pressures...

-just 'cause society
says you should.
- Totally agree with—

I think that you
should set the date
when the time is right.

You know, when both people
are secure in their careers...

and can afford a nice home
and, uh, you want to start a family.

Yeah, and cars can fly.
What was that?

Huh?
I think, uh—

I think Hedy's
getting pretty close
to setting a date.

Oh, yeah.
Yes.

Oh, you're the one
who's— Oh.

Oh, I mean, it's not you.
It's— What I meant—

Well, you know how, uh,
traditionally, the— the—
[ Stammering ]

Uh, hey,
where is the—
Yeah. Restroom.

Oh, sure. Sure.
It's upstairs to the left.

Upstairs to the left.
To the left.

What's traditionally?

Hey, don't forget
to jiggle the handle.
It'll just keep running.

You should just
maybe change the channel.
Maybe It's just the one station.

No, I really tried everything.

Uh, did somebody forget to pay
the cable bill this month?

It's not that.
We have the whole bundle,
package thing.

Internet, TV, land line.

[ Beeping Tone ]
Who still has a land line?

- It's for faxing.
- Who still faxes?

The guy who owns this TV
still faxes.

Got nothing here.
That makes sense,
yeah.

[ Beeping Continues ]
Are you fucking
kidding me?

[ Scoffs ]
[ Handset Settles In Cradle ]

[ Lexi ]
We're walking out of the place,

and this guy comes up to us,
and he's, like,
‘‘Do you want some blow?"

As if he had heard us
talking about it inside!
Like an angel or something.

No, I think they're called
drug dealers.
[ Laughs ]

So we gave him a hundo,
and he hooked us up
with some primo shit.

We hung out
with the white lady
till, like, 7:30.

Wait. When was this?
Last night.

- Are you kidding?
- No.

- Did you sleep?
- No. I'll sleep when I'm—

Well, you're gonna sleep
when you're dead.

How many times
do we have to tell you
how bad cocaine is for you?

All your little angels
shot down.

You'd think I'd stop telling
my drug stories to doctors
and chemistry teachers.

Yeah, you'd think,
but then you still do it.

And if you want to sing,
it's gonna fuck up
your whole nasal cavity.

Really? You didn't
pay the bills?

- What are you talking about?
- You knew you were moving out,
so you didn't pay the bills.

- What?
- What?

I paid the bills like
I pay them every month...

because you're too lazy to do it.

Well, then why is our Internet,
cable and land line out?

- Who has a land line?
- It's for faxing.

Emma, why are you moving out?

Do you honestly think
that I am so childish
that, what?

I would purposely sabotage
your new bachelor pad?
Yeah.

I think you'd think it's hilarious.

I bet you didn't pay
the electric bill because
you thought it would be funny...

if I bumped into shit
in the dark.

I paid the god damn
electric bill.
[ Electricity Zaps ]

♪♪ [ Stops ] ♪♪

- [ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]
- [ Chuckles ]

- I had nothing to do with this.
- Of course not.

Hey, bro,
I think your power's out.
Yeah, you fucking think?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- They're fighting.

The electric company?
Don't waste your time, man.
It's not worth it.

Emma, why are you moving out?

Whoa, wait.
Emma's moving out?

That's what she said.
Why?

- Well, ask her.
- Why?

- I never said I was moving out.
- I did.

So you're moving out?
No, I said that Emma's
moving out.

[ Together ]
Why?

God! Because
we're getting a divorce!

[ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

I thought you wanted to wait
until the end of brunch.

Oh, well, I guess
someone let the cat
out of the fucking bag...

when he revealed
I was moving out.

So you really didn't
pay the electric bill?
No, I paid the fucking bill!

You guys know
the power's out, right?

Yes!
[ Together ]
We know!

Did I miss something?
Pete and Emma
are getting a divorce.

Really? Why?

Okay. You know what?

This is not how this
was supposed to go down.
Yeah.

We wanted to wait
until the end of brunch
to tell you,

but we've just decided
that it's what's right.

That's really vague.
[ Emma ]
Well, it's complicated, Lexi.

Marriage is complicated.
You know that.

So it's a mutual thing.
[ Pete ]
Yeah.

It's not like one of us
caught the other one
cheating or anything.

This isn't happening.
No, you're not getting a divorce.

No, you'll still see us, okay?
Just not together.

Well, you know,
maybe physically together,
but not together together.

But what we don't want
is people picking sides.

We really want to remain
close friends with all of you.

Yeah. Unless some of you feel
very strongly about one of us
over the other.

Tracy, for instance,

if you want to stay in touch
with Emma and completely
shut me out of your life,

- I'd understand.
- No, Pete, I would never.

Just, you know, think about it.
You don't need to make
a decision now.

So does this mean brunch is over?
Do you want us to leave?

Shane, They just told us
they're getting a divorce,

- and you're still thinking
about Alpha Force?
- Alpha Flight.

I honestly didn't know
if they want us to leave,

because I have a feeling
it's about to get
a little uncomfortable.

Oh, do you
have that feeling?

Which is exactly why I wanted
to wait until after we ate
to bring this up.

[ Sighs ]
You know what?

He's right. It is about
to get uncomfortable.

But I'll be the one
who's leaving.

[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Water Gurgling ]

Oh, hey, I think
the power's out.
Shut the fuck up, Glenn!

I am so sorry.
I didn't mean that.

I'm under a lot
of stress right now,
and I'm taking it out on you.

Glenn, you got to
jiggle the handle.
Oh. Oh!

Oh, did you suddenly
want to talk in private now?

Emma, come on.
You can't leave.

How many times are we gonna
have this conversation?

No, right now.
You can't leave right now.
[ Sirens Wailing ]

This is the last time we're all
gonna be together like this.
[ Sirens Blaring ]

The last of our famous
couples' brunches.

Have you ever,
in the last eight years—

No. You know what?
Let's go farther back
when we were dating.

So let's say 12 years.
Have you ever
in the last 12 years...

truly looked forward
to one of these
couples' brunches?

[ Sirens Wailing, Blaring ]

Well, what do you mean
‘‘look forward to"?

Look, Emma, you didn't even
pack any socks.

- Well, I'll buy more.
- Where are you gonna go?

It doesn't matter.

Maybe, uh—
No, she's not supposed—
That's not the point.

The point is that she—
Or toothpaste.

I'll get them at the same
store where socks are sold.
Emmers, wait!

Don't call me that.

Um, enjoy my quiche.
[ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

[ Screams ]

What?

Um, there's a—
There's a man—

- A man?
- He's wearing a hazmat suit.

[ Knocking ]

It's Hal.

What?
[ Shane ]
Who's Hal?

- He's our neighbor.
- Does he always wear
a hazmat suit?

What does Hal want?
[ Emma ]
I don't know.

Is there a reason
to be afraid of Hal?
No, he's nice.

I mean, he doesn't mow his
lawn enough, but I don't—

Can I suggest that
maybe we let him in...

and then we can find out
what he wants from his mouth?

[ Knocking ]

[ Door Closes ]

Pete.

Hey, Hal.

Emma.

Hey, Hal.

You guys having a party?

It's brunch.

Oh, that's cool.

I guess I missed
my invite.

It's a couples thing.

Oh. Oh, okay.
So I invite you guys
to all my game nights,

my barbecues, but since
Linda left me, I guess
I don't even socialize anymore.

No, Hal, we didn't—
No, we never intended to—
I mean—

Hal. Hal, why are you
wearing a hazmat suit?

Are you kidding?

You really don't know
you're wearing a hazmat suit?

- You guys haven't heard?
- Heard what?

That a bunch of dirty bombs
were set off downtown.

Uh, what's
a dirty bomb, bro?

It's a radiological weapon.

It combines
radioactive material
and conventional explosives.

I'm sorry. Is this like—
Are you joking?

No. I was watching
the U.T. game,
and the news cut in.

You guys didn't notice that
the power and the cell phones
and land lines all went out?

You just thought you
forgot to pay your bill?

Wait. So how many bombs?
What was the blast radius?

Five or six.
It was right downtown.

Oh, my God.
It took out half
the financial district.

- Most of Messenier Park.
- Oh, I love that park.

God, I hope
the taffy guy is okay.

That's like—
That's like 12 miles away.

If five or six-
Yeah. Then the national news
cut in.

They said there were attacks
on Los Angeles, New York,
Orlando.

And they were about to
say more, but the TV cut out.

Orlando? Someone thinks Orlando
is on par with New York
and Los Angeles?

Did they say
who did set them off?

Were there any ships or—

- Ships?
- You know, were the attackers
not of this earth?

Anyway, the radiation cloud
is probably coming.

So I would recommend that
you guys probably tape up
your windows,

close the air vents,
put on your hazmat suits.

Who the fuck
has a hazmat suit?
Yeah.

I have a hazmat suit.

Hal, if we're
supposed to stay inside,
then what are you doing here?

Batteries in my emergency
flashlight died, so I was gonna
see if you had any extras.

What kind of batteries?
[ Chuckles ]

‘‘D" batteries.

I don't— What do you even
use ‘‘D" batteries for?

Emergency flashlights.

Do you want to check?

We don't have any.
Yeah. No.

Okay. Well, you guys enjoy
your couples-only brunch.

Yeah, wait, wait, wait.
You can't just leave us
here like this.

Yeah, I can.

So that just happened.
[ Chuckles ]

Whoa! That was awesome!
What the fuck?
Who is that dude?

It's finally going down.

It's going to be fine.
I just need my Adderall.

Well, I guess
I'm not going anywhere.

Okay. Uh, all right.
Uh, we heard what he said.
Right?

- We need to secure the house.
- Okay, you don't actually
believe that guy, do you?

He's probably just huffing some
paint fumes in his garage...

and making this up
to screw with us.

No, it makes sense.
It's Invasion 101 .

You cut off all lines
of communication to keep
the locals confused.

Radio! If this is for real,
it'll be all over the radio.

What about the one my mom
got us for Christmas?

- No. I sold that
at a garage sale.
- What? Why?

Because we already
have a clock by the bed,
and that one was really ugly.

-When did we have a garage sale?
-I had one when you were in
Singapore for your convention.

- You had a garage sale
when I was out of town?
- I did! You keep everything!

Another radio?
Guys, do you have
another radio?

Is there another radio
besides that one?

How about some of us
look for a radio...

and the rest of us
gather supplies so we
can seal up the house?

And if some of us
just want to chill,
that's— that's cool too.

Break!

[ Sighs ]
I'll keep an eye
on the window.

Okay.

[ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

When was the last time
we cleaned this?
This is ridiculous.

Oh, my God.
‘‘D" batteries. Oops.

You guys have enough
rat poison down here
to kill Chuck E. Cheese.

What is the deal?
Costco is the deal.

Ohh! No.
No?

Oh, sweet!
You found a radio!

[ Grunts ]
Check it out.

[ Sighs ]

I don't think
that's gonna help out
in our current situation.

Can we just focus
on the task at hand?

What if a bunch of marauders come
and we need to whack them
with something?

[ Crash ]

Hedy?

- God! There's so much
spackling tape!
- Hey. Hey.

It's gonna be all right.

Hey, why didn't you tell me?

About what?
About the divorce.

Is this really the time to be
having his conversation?

Hedy!

Oh.

- How long have you known?
- I don't know.
A couple of months.

A couple months?
Yeah. Well, divorce
is complicated...

and it takes
a lot of research.

You have to be legally
separated. You have to
fill out all these forms.

There's just—
There's a lot of
bureaucratic bullshit.

- So then you knew
when we had our—
- Yes, Of course I did.

Nah. That's cool.

Holy crap.
Are you disappointed?

- You're disappointed.
- Eh.

What? You get, like,
more philandering points
or something...

if the woman's
happily married?
It's not that.

It's just less of a challenge.

It's like when you're bowling,
and they put the things
in the gutter.

You're unbelievable.

Shane.

- Hey.
- I think you need to go
and help Hedy out.

With what?
She's in shock.

We're all in shock,
Tracy.
No, no, no.

Like shock shock.
Like real shock.

Okay. I'll be there
in a minute.

Look, we need to talk.
Wait. What? Why?

I don't know if your apathetic
attitude is some sort of
coping mechanism...

due to the stress at hand,
which is fine.

Dude, no stress.
None of this shit is real.

Is anyone infected?
Infected with what?

With whatever's out there.

But we don't know
what's out there.

And that's exactly
what's scaring me.

I mean, how many times
have you seen on the news...

that someone thought,
like, a weather balloon
was a U.F.O....

or a bear
was a giant Sasquatch?

Just because the media
reports something—
[ Can Rattling ]

doesn't make it true.

Don't even get me started
on the supposed ‘‘moon landing."

Have you seen any
bite marks, scrapes?

No?
Uh—

All right, well, just—
if you see anyone acting weird,
you let me know.

Weirder than you're
acting right now?

We might have to make
some tough decisions.

Okay.

I'm gonna go
check on Hedy.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

God! I don't even know
what we're looking for.

Duck tape.
Duct tape.

That's what I said.

Oh, yeah?
Say it again.

Duck tape.

Duct.

Duct tape.
With a ‘‘T."

It's for sealing ducts.

You just blew my mind.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe this is a hoax.
I hope it's a hoax.

But the wise thing to do
is let's get a radio,
find out for sure. All right?

Whatever floats your boat.
Well, that floats my boat.

Okay. Well, I can't remember
the last time I bought a radio,
except for my car.

Ow.

Hey, uh, where are
your car keys?

Huh?
Your keys.

- Where you goin', Glenn?
- Nowhere. I just
need your keys.

It's the...
flamingo keychain.

Well, there's—
there's two here.

It's the bluish one.
Emma and I used to—

There's blue
on both of these.

Yeah. They're both
to the same car.

But this is hilarious.
Em and I used to have
this thing...

where we'd stop by
every photo booth
and get pictures of-

[ Laughs ]
There's—

[ Sirens Continue ]

[ Exhales ]

Hey.

What's up?

I, uh, saw you
talking to Glenn.

Yeah.

What do we know
about that guy?

He's a teacher.
He likes scotch.

- Can he be trusted?
- With my car keys?

When the shit goes down.

The shit.

Pete, things are
gonna degrade
very quickly.

The rules of society
are gonna break down,

and your life
is gonna be in the hands
of the people you can trust.

Okay.

Do you have any weapons?

Weapons?
Guns, mace, crossbows.

Uh—

Actually, I have some
Chinese throwing stars...

that my uncle
brought back from Dallas.

Yeah?
Pretty sharp, so—

Oh, these are nice.

[ Metallic Ringing ]

All right.

Let's just keep this
between us.

Okay.

[ Squealing ]
Oh!

Hi, Glenn.

[ Sighs ]

Are we going somewhere?
No.

You know, I lost
my virginity in a Saab.
[ Seat Belt Buckles ]

This isn't a Saab.
Just making conversation.

Where'd you lose
your virginity, Glenn?

- ♪♪ [ Stereo: Pop ] ♪♪
- Oh, I love this song.

♪ I need to get out and find
the love of my life ♪

How do you make it
go to the radio?

♪ Things can get so good ♪
Lexi.

[ Beeping ]

‘‘No user is connected"?
What—

Must be a satellite
subscription.
Satellite?

Satellite radio.
200 commercial-free channels
for 15 bucks a month.

There's this new agey one
I really like.

It's called The Chakra.

Oh, Glenn, where
are you going?

Should I take off
my belt?

- [ Beeps ]
- ♪ Things can get so good— ♪

[ Car Alarms
Blaring In Distance ]

[ Car Alarms Blaring ]

We should go camping
soon, dude.

We haven't been camping
together in years.

I'm gonna organize it.
I'll set it up.

Cool.

[ Sighs ]

I don't see anything.

Radiation's usually invisible.
No, no.

People.
I don't see anyone.

[ Exhales ]
I don't even see dogs.

What kind of neighborhood
doesn't have dogs?

Dogs don't usually roam
around neighborhoods...

unless they're with people.

But squirrels—
I'm not seeing
any squirrels.

I don't know.
I don't know, Shane.

Hey, where did you
find those?

In a shoe box
underneath the bed.

Oh.

So, what do you want to do—
cut each strip in half?

Two pictures each?
[ Sighs ]

No. You can keep them.

You don't have a subscription
to your satellite radio?

Yeah, we do.
No. I let it lapse.

You did?
Yeah.

I've just been listening
to my iPod and podcasting.

- You only have satellite radio?
- Yeah. Paid extra for it.

You paid extra
for less features?

That guy at Stereo Town
totally swindled me.

- Told you not to go
to Stereo Town.
- It's close.

- Closest is always best.
- You went to Stereo Town?

How long would it take
for a full-blown mutation
to occur?

A mutation of what?

- Human beings.
- Never.

No, um— No, no.
Mutation.

Mutation mutation.

Okay, now you're just
repeating the same word.

Nuclear mutation.

Assuming the debris
was radioactive,

exposure to the fallout
would only cause
DNA mutations...

in inherited genes,

so only children of those
exposed would be affected.

In which case, the deformities
would be horrific.

But, no, they wouldn't
be mutants.

I don't think you understand
what I'm asking.

I'll just explain it later.

[ Glenn ]
You just have a choice
between more genres.

No, but I get—
Hey, duct tape.

Did you say duct tape
or duck tape?

- What? Duct tape.
- With a ‘‘T"?

Yeah.
Holy shit.

Am I the only person
that doesn't know this?

Everyone focus up here,
all right?

No dice on the radio.

So I think we should
seal up all the cracks
in the house.

No outside air
should get in at all.

Right, Hedy?

Well, there's only
one roll.

One-man job, so—

Uh, oh. I'll—
I'll do it.

Good man, Glennzo.

- We should close up
all the air vents too.
- I was just about to say that.

Buck, you mind
taking care of that?
You're the tallest.

I'm on it, boss.
[ Lexi ]
Guess what?

Everyone, I have a surprise.
Come with me.

[ Footsteps Thumping On Stairs ]

No, guys, I'm actually serious.
I found something. Come on.

Right here.
Pete, focus.

Okay, all right.

Close your eyes.
No.

Close your eyes.
Come on, come on.

No peeking!

Nope.

Are you ready?
Yes.
Yep.

Drumroll, please!
No!

Ta-da!

- Oh, my God.
I forgot about that.
- A monkey?

- No, no. It's a radio.
- I just— It hit me.

I remembered
singing in the shower here
to ‘‘Louie Louie" once.

- Nice sense memory.
- Gracias.

Wait. What did you
just say?

- Gracias.
- No, you said
you remember...

singing in the shower here
to ‘‘Louie Louie" once.

- Yeah.
- When?

- What?
- When did you
take a shower here?

It was a long time ago?

No, I'm sorry.
Let me rephrase
the question, Lexi.

Why did you
take a shower here?

Pete? You want
to help Lexi out
with this question?

Okay, guys, we cannot
turn on each other
right now.

That's exactly what
the enemy wants.

I'm in agreement.

What's everybody doing—
Is that a radio?
Have you tried it?

[ Emma ]
Not yet.
Why not?

'Cause I just found out...

that my husband
is fucking my best friend.

Best friend?

Okay, let's put a pin in that
for now, why don't we,

and find out if this works
and if we're gonna live or d—

[ Radio Clicks On ]
[ Static ]

Oh, thank God it works.
[ Emergency Broadcast Tone ]

[ Woman ]
One, seven, nine, one,

one, eight, eight, two-

It's like Lost.
Shh!

...Emergency Broadcast System.

Please stay in your homes
as first responders...

address the areas within
the initial blast zone.

This is not—
This is real.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

...United States Air Force,
five, five, zero.

Please stay in your homes
and take proper precautions.

Depending on your distance
to the blast radius
and toxicity levels—

[ Gasps, Inhales ]
first responders—

Tracy, you're a first responder.
Shouldn't you go?
...four to five days.

I— [ Scoffs ]
I'm not on call today.

We need to get
the fuck outta here.

What part of
‘‘stay in your homes"
do you not understand?

This isn't my home.

We can take up the semantics
of possessive pronouns
next week.

First of all, we don't
even know if that signal
was from our side.

And, four to five days.
Do you know how long
that is?

Yes.

If we stay in here
for four to five days,

we are giving
everyone else
a head start...

to go out and form
motorcycle gangs,

loot and pillage
all the good canned goods
and shotguns.

We're gonna go out. All we're
gonna find is refried beans
and motor scooters.

I liked motor scooters.
Oh, shut up.

[ Hedy ]
Hey!

Can I have
some scotch?

Ab— Absolutely, Hedy.
Help yourself.

Hedy.

[ Continues,
Indistinct ]

Hedy, Hedy, Hedy.

Okay, we need
to make a plan.

A plan?
Yeah, yeah.

Me and you— that's all
that matters right now.

Tracy could be an asset
'cause she's a doctor.

And maybe Buck knows
how to work a rifle.

But I don't know if that's
just some mental association
I'm making...

because his name is Buck.

Do have a rifle?
No, no.
We're gonna get one.

There's a guns-and-ammo store
down at Duvall Street
right by the T.C.B.Y.

Oh, yeah.
I love that place.
I know. I know. It's great.

Right now, we need
to make a break for the car
and hightail it outta here.

My uncle has that cabin in—

I'm gonna—

I'm gonna
go get a drink.

That's my plan.

Drink plenty of water.
Get as much water
as you can, babe. All right?

[ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

Oh, God.

Hey. Look
who's up and at 'em.

I'm just closing up
the vents so we
don't die.

You know, I actually
used to work...

at an air-conditioning
place in high school.

And get this. The guy
who ran the place
was named A.C.

[ Chuckling ]
A.C. ran an A.C. shop.

Do you think that
when we die,

we have to wear
the clothes we died in
for all of eternity?

No way.
I bet we get those
kickin' white robes...

like you see
in the old cartoons.

I look awful in white.

Maybe Emma would let me
borrow some sweats.

I bet you get
a sweet-ass harp too.

[ Sirens Continue, Louder ]

Hmm.
[ Laughs ]

Do you have any idea
how many human beings...

are estimated to have
lived and died on Earth...

throughout all of time?

I have absolutely
no idea.

106 billion.
Wow.

Yeah. So what you're saying
is that when we die,

we're going to a place
where 106 billion people...

are sitting around
playing the harp.

That would be really
fucking annoying.

Well, maybe heaven is what
you make it in your mind.

No.

♪♪ [ Stereo: Country Rock ] ♪♪

♪♪ [ Continues ] ♪♪

- Can I come in?
- No.

I wanna talk about this.
I don't.

Please,
can I come in?
No.

It didn't mean anything,
Emmers.

I told you
not to call me that.

It happened after we'd
already decided to go
through with the divorce.

- I thought it was over.
- It is over.

And it doesn't
make it okay.

[ Helicopter Whirring In Distance ]

[ Helicopter Approaching ]

[ Glass Rattling ]

[ Shane ]
I can't see anything.

It's probably helicopters.

Yeah, but are they
ours or theirs?

We still don't even know
who ‘‘they" is.

They ‘‘are"?
[ Scoffs ]
They ‘‘is."

They are.
Fuck this.

I'm gonna get outta here,
take a look around.
No, no, no! Shane!

- You guys, don't even
try to stop me.
- No! No!

- I got him!
- I wanna see what's out there!

Curiosity killed the cat, Shane!

And in this case, the cat
died a slow and painful death
from radiation poisoning.

[ Knocking ]

[ Woman ]
Hello?

- Gordon and Jenny.
-Jenny and Gordon.

Oh!

[ Gasps ]
Oh, shit.

They look terrible.
I like Jenny's jacket though.

Hey, Jenny!
I like your jacket!

Thanks. Hey, uh,
could you guys let us in?

What's going on out there?

It's bad.
It's real bad.

Can you be more specific?

[ Exhales ]
I've seen things.

Could you maybe
name one thing?

[ Coughing ]
Look, Gordon isn't doing so well.

Do you think you could
let us in, please?

Um, actually we can't...

'cause we already
duct-taped the door.

Well, can't you
just re-tape it?

But if we let you guys in,
you'll infect us all, so—

I'm a doctor.
I don't make this shit up.

[ Coughing ]
We're not gonna last out here.

Well, maybe you should
learn to show up
to things on time.

- Huh?
- Is that what this is about?

Every brunch, Jenny.
Every brunch.

It's just really inconsiderate.

We really tried
to make it here on time.
No, you didn't.

You didn't think
about punctuality...

or how it affects
other people's lives.

Some people make dishes
that are hot...

and meant to be served...

at the designated
eating time agreed upon.

You're still mad about
that thing with Claudio,
aren't you?

Let's not rehash
old wounds, Jenny.

You've got much bigger
problems now.

It was New Year's Eve, Tracy.
It just happened.

Who— Who is Claudio?

[ Thud, Groan ]

Open the door, Tracy.
Tracy!
Okay, bye now.

That was some
cold shit, Tracy.
Yeah.

Was it? I thought
it was kind of harsh.

No. It's us or them.

And judging by their rapid
cellular deterioration,

the toxicity level must be
pretty dense and fast acting.

But radiation usually
takes weeks to—

It's not radiation.

The emergency broadcast
said VX

As in VX nerve gas.

As in...

the most toxic chemical weapon
ever synthesized.

[ Crunching ]

That's not good,
is it?

No. It's not good.

[ Shane ]
Holy shit.

That's the stuff
from The Rock

Well, babe, what
does this mean for us?

It means we're
all gonna be dead...

in, like, three hours.

What'd I miss?

[Jets Roaring Overhead ]

♪♪ [ Rock, Muffled ] ♪♪

Jesus, how many times have
we been in this position?

Terrorist attack?

We don't know it's terrorists.

Yeah, well, I'll take
the over on that one.

I mean, literally,
how many times have we
been in this position?

You locked in some place,

me leaning against the door
trying to get you to let me in.

If I had a nickel.
Right?

[ Window Motor Whirs ]

Pete, there's something
I need to tell you.

What?
I—

[ Gasps, Coughs ]

Ooh. Hey! Hey.

Is it cool
if I finish this off?

Yeah, sure.
Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks. Oh,
one more thing.

Um, it's not radiation.
It's a chemical weapon.

And Hedy's pretty sure
we're all gonna be dead
in a few hours.

Just F.Y.I.

♪♪ [ Continues ] ♪♪

What did she
just say?

[ Floorboards Creak ]

Hey there, stranger.

Oh. Hey, Lexi.

Um, if you don't mind,
I just wanted to, uh,

get a little alone time,
if that's okay.

Well, Glenn,
if wishes were horses,

it'd be Christmas every day.

[ Sighs ]
Hedy's right.

We should probably live
these last few moments
on earth to the fullest.

Am I right?
So you believe her now?

Well, either way,
I say we get nuts.

Knock, knock.
Oh, hi.

What's going on in here?
I was just doing
some stretching.

I was leaving.
I was taking off.
No, no, no, no. Glenn, stay.

No, no. You probably
want to be alone.
No, no. I insist.

All right, I was—
Have a seat, buddy.

I— Okay. I'd just come in
for a little alone time.

Thanks, honey.
Oh, a little alone time
with Lexi?

[ Stammering ]
Lexi just walked in.
She just came in.

I was in here
trying to clear my head.

What is Tracy up to?
What's she doing down there?

Glenn, you ever been married?

Uh, no, I have not.
Hmm.

I don't—
How old are you?

Uh, well, my license says 42.
Do you know why...

most marriages
in this country
end in divorce, Glenn?

Uh— [ Stammering ]
There's a number
of reasons—

Because of inequalities
within the marriage.
That's one of the reasons.

One spouse has more money
or more friends,

or one spouse
has amorous feelings...

for someone outside
the marriage.

That's when it becomes
important for the couple
to communicate, I think.

Because that's the key
to a good relationship.
But, Glenn, Lexi and I...

are the poster children
for the perfect marriage.

Oh, thanks.
You don't have to tell me that.

I see the love in your hearts.
And do you know why?

Do you know why, Glenn?
You love each other.

You're so... forgiving.
Because we share.
We share everything.

We split everything
50-50—
That's good.

Right up the middle.

Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no.

No, no, no!
Glenn.
Oh, Glenn.

Absolutely not!
Just try it.

Absolutely not!
Don't freak out.

Absolutely not!
It's only fair now.
We're stuck.

So rude!

Oh, baby.
Damn it.

I was too aggressive.
I get so aggressive.
No, honey.

We're gonna
get it right.
We'll get it right.

Who has access to VX gas?

The Iranians.

But why would the Iranians
want to mess with
the United States?

Who gives a shit, Shane?

Can you open that
for me?

You don't wanna know
who did this to us?

Does it matter?
It matters to me.

If I'm gonna be murdered,
I'd like to know by whom
out of common courtesy.

[ Phone Rings ]

- It's the land line.
- [ Ringing ]

Are you gonna get it?

The phone lines
must be on line.

Hello?

[ Man ]
Hi. May I speak
to Pete Mandrake?

Uh, who is this?

This is John with
Liberty Financial.
What?

I’m calling
with an exclusive
one-time offer—

It's John from
Liberty Financial.

Yeah, I might be interested,
but where are you calling from?

I'm calling from
the Liberty Financial
call center.

What the fuck
is going on out there?
I’m sorry. I—

Where are you
calling from?

[ Filipino Accent ]
Manila.

Manila, Philippines?
Yes.

Do you not know
what's going on
out there?

What do you mean?
Isn't this on TV over there?

Our television is not on, sir.
Turn the TV on!

[ Airplanes Whooshing ]
Hey, Mikey.
Mikey.

They have a television.
Open the TV.

This guys says something on.

[ Speaking Filipino ]

Just turn it on, man.

Oh, holy shit!
What is it?

Holy shit, man!
Is that the
Golden Gate Bridge?

What happened
to the Golden Gate Bridge?

Or is that the Bay Bridge?
I get them confused.
What happened to either bridge?

Oh, man, this is fucked up.
What does it look like?

It looks like they—
[ Line Clicks, Beeping ]
Hello.

Hello?
[ Tapping Plunger ]

[ Beeping Tone
Continues ]
Nothing.

Man, telemarketers
call at the worst time.

Mmm.

[ Sighs ]

[ Door Opens ]
[ Exhales ]

Oh, hey.

Oh.
[ Hedy Groans ]

Uh—
[ Urinating ]

Do you want me to leave?
No. I don't give a fuck.

Um—
What are you doing
in here, Glenn?

Just hangin' out,

trying to get a little...
peace of mind.

Mmm, yeah. I see.
What are you doing?

Peeing.
Right. Right.

[ Sighs ]
[ Seat Slams ]

Guess I don't
have to flush.

[ Sighs ]

[ Pill Cases Clattering ]

What are you doing?

Well, if I'm goin' out,

I'm going out
riding the snake.

♪♪ [ Piano, Classical ] ♪♪

You found music.

Actually, I think
it's, um, automated.

No. I believe
this is Beethoven.

How are you holding up?

You know, I never
went to Europe.

Never. Not once.

I— I never even
went to Montreal,

which I hear
is very European.

I never went scuba diving.

I never went to the ballet.

I've never been in love.

[ Sobbing ]
I've never even
watched The Wire.

All of those things
are overrated.

[ Tracy Sighs ]
Except for The Wire.
That's really good.

Last season's
not very good, but—

Montreal? Come on.

Think of all
the good things
you've done.

Like what?

Waste countless Sundays
at these...

stupid fucking
couples' brunches?

How about the countless
lives you've saved?

The people you've helped,
the lives you've improved,

the hope you gave people.
[ Inhales ]

Yeah, well—
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, there is that.

I'm gonna go get that wine
that we brought,

and I'm gonna open it,
and we're gonna drink it.

And we're gonna
light some candles,

and we're just
going to... relax.

[ Exhales ]
Okay?

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, good.

Don't think about
all the stuff you
didn't do, all right?

All righty.

♪♪ [ Classical ] ♪♪
♪♪ [ Humming ] ♪♪

Hey, babe.
Hi.

What are you doing?

I, uh—
I'm making desert.

Luckily this stove
runs on gas.

Can you pass me
that decongestant right there?

Thank you.

Are you making meth?

No. That would take
far too long,

and I'd need
many more ingredients.

But this is more like
a poor man's ecstasy.

[ Pills Rattling ]

The world's about to end,
and you're gonna do ecstasy?

Is there a better time?

Hedy, we don't even know
who did this to us.

We don't know if it was
the North Koreans.

We don't know what happened
to San Francisco or Chicago.

[ Yelling ]

Do you know why
we never set a date...

for the wedding?

It's 'cause you worry
about everything.

You second-guess everything.

I mean, I love you.
I do.

I care about you so deeply.

But the thought...

of planning
a major event with you?

That makes me want to
claw my fucking eyes out.

And look at you now.
I mean, we're gonna die.

Like, we're gonna die soon,

and you're worried
about Koreans.

Well, what do you
suggest I do?

I would, you know,
suggest that...

we have a little fun.

I mean,
remember that one time
when we went to Cancún...

and we found the midget
with the marijuana...

and we got all freaky?

Babe, we are not in Cancún.

We're in the middle
of World War III.

Then I think it's only fair
I tell you...
[ Pill Cases Clattering ]

that this whole
‘‘end of the world" thing...

has really got me
re-examining our relationship.

And... frankly,

I'm out.

Out of what?

I'm done with us.

You're done?
Yep.

The wedding's off.

[ Deep Breath ]

You know what?

You can't cancel a wedding
if you didn't set a date!

Watch me.
[ Clinks ]

Enjoy your drugs.

Do you think we'll be
angels in heaven?

Hell, yeah—
Heaven, yeah, we will.

Do you think
there's an angel band?

I know there is,
and we're gonna be
a part of it.

'Cause guess what they need.
What?

A glockenspielist.
[ Laughing ]

♪♪ [ Stereo: Folk Rock ] ♪♪

[ Sighs ]
♪♪ [ Man Singing, Indistinct ] ♪♪

What happened to us?

I don't know.

We were so good.

Right?
Yeah.

Couples' brunch.
What about it?

You were always
so excited about 'em.

You know, making sure
the right people came,

trying all kinds of new
cheese and wine.

I— I didn't care.

I mean, I didn't want
any part in the planning.

I— I barely even
wanted to show up.

And that's—
that's our marriage right there.

Yeah, you were always
trying new things.

Rock climbing, painting and...

knitting.

Crocheting.
See? Crocheting.

I just coasted along.

I just got...

wrapped up in what
I was doing.

I'm sorry.

I appreciate that.

But...

I mean, I organize
because I don't trust
anyone else to do it.

And I do all those
other things...

because I'm looking
for something that I like.

Some version of me,
I guess, that I like.

You know, for the record,

I liked the first version of you.
Yeah, I know.

But maybe that's
part of the problem.

We got married so young, Pete.

And we were together
all the time, which was—

And it was so good
for so long, but—

It's like I don't even
know a me that has—
that's different from us.

Because It's just been
Pete and Emma this
and Pete and Emma that.

And never just Emma,
and I...

needed to figure that out.

And in-in retrospect,

possibly,
filing for divorce was...

a drastic way to do that.

And I'm sorry.

You kept one.
Yeah.

What do you say?

Can we get
back together...

the last couple hours
of our existence?

So, like an agreement?

Yeah, like an agreement.

Okay.

[ Laughs ]

So, what did you
need to tell me?
What?

When Tracy came in, you said
there was something
you needed to tell me.

Was there?

♪♪ [ Piano, Romantic ] ♪♪

Madame?

Do you have anything else?

Oh. Madame,

I assure you this vintage
is fantastic.
[ Pouring Wine ]

And the last year, I think,
they're making this.

Then cheers.

[ Smacks Lips ]
Mmm!

Wow. You and me, huh?

Imagine what could've happened.

I think we would have
dated for about a year—

Mm-hmm.
and then gotten married.

Wow. Fast.

Well, I mean,
it felt right, you know?

And we had
a very nice wedding.

Uh, nothing too fancy,
but a destination wedding.

Oh, yeah.
Uh, Hawaii.

- Kauai, to be exact.
- Kauai.

And then we had kids.
Lots of kids.

Lots of kids.
Lots of kids.

Lots of kids. Seven.
We had seven kids.

Damn. Damn!

They all went
to Ivy League schools.
Of course.

How about that?
On scholarship.
On scholarship.

The boys were—

You took 'em to space camp,
so they became astronauts.

[ Chuckles ]
Yep.

The girls became...
senators?

To a good life.

- [ Footsteps Thumping ]
- Where's Buck?

Uh, he's upstairs
in the bedroom
with Lexi.

Sorry. Oh, hello.
Cute.

[ Glenn ]
I'd knock first.

I really like being alive, honey.
I know.

It's gonna be even better
when we're in heaven.
Trust me.

What if we come back
as animals?

Hmm. Then I will
come back as a starfish.
[ Laughing ]

[ Emma ]
Come on, Pete.

Hey. We're done
if you guys need the room.

Oh, hey, guys.
But we'll go again
if you guys want in.

- Put some clothes on.
- Why bother, man?

Let's go out
the way we came in.

Put some god damn clothes on
before I punch you in the face.

Okay, okay. Pete—

What is the bee
in your bonnet?

Do you know he and Emma
slept together?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.

What?
Wait. What?

I knew about it
before it happened.
I gave him the thumbs-up.

I texted her while
we were making out.

Drunkenly.
Let's remember that.

Gave me the thumbs-up.
We always give each other
the thumbs-up.

- So you knew about
me and Lexi?
- Yeah. It was my idea.

- Your idea?
- Yeah, dude. I felt bad 'cause
your wife cheated on you.

My wife was cheating on me
with you, Buck! You!
[ Lexi ] That's not the same.

Cheating is cheating.
It doesn't make
a difference if it was me.

So that's why
you slept with Pete?

We thought it would help
with peace of mind
if he ever found out.

[ Screaming ]
Okay, okay! Stop!
Stop it!

- [ Lexi ]
No, no. Everything is fine!
- Get off of him!

♪♪ [ Chord ] ♪♪
Emma!

- Look what I found!
- [ Arguing, Shouting ]

Are those my clothes?
Yes.

We should have a dance party.

No, no, no!
Get off me!

- Oh! Are we wrestling?
- [ Lexi ] Yes!

- Me too!
- What the hell?

- Yay!
- Please, you guys!

[ Hedy Laughing, Shouting ]

[ Wind Blowing ]

Everyone out.
Oh, shit!

Out, out, out!
Get out!

Come on, come on!
Close the door!
Close the door!

Quickly, Pete!

[ Gasps ]
[ Panting ]

[ Gasping ]

You know what?

I'm gonna go set up
the glockenspiel...

so we can have
our dance party.

I'm gonna go find
the duct tape...

so we can seal up
this door, okay?

And, Pete,

sorry I broke
your window, man.

Ah.
[ Pete ]
It's okay, buddy.

It's okay.

I love you.

Emma, I never meant—
It's okay.

Really?
Yeah.

I never meant to—
It's okay.

Really?

I swear, if I ever
run around with
your husband again—

whether it's Pete
or some new guy—

I will give you
a heads-up.

I appreciate that.

Pete, look, I—

You made a mistake,
and I made a mistake.

- Can we just—
- You wanna dance?

Yeah.
Yeah?

I do.

Mmm— But not,
like, right here.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

[ Hedy ]
One, two, three, four!
[ Drumsticks Beating Time ]

♪ When I'm walkin',
I strut my stuff ♪

♪ And I'm so strung out ♪

♪ I'm high as a kite
I just might ♪

♪ Stop to check you out ♪
♪ Stop to check you out ♪

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ] ♪♪
Then the guy starts
throwing them at me.

And there's a whole bowl
of these mints.

And I'm running out,

and I'm saying to him,
‘‘Excuse me"—
I'm trying to still be nice.

‘‘Those aren't my pants.
They're not"—

I mean, what am I—

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ] ♪♪

That's so bad.
Mmm, well—

[ Glenn ]
Oh!
What the fuck?

Why aren't you dancing?
What?

Why aren't you dancing?
All right, all right.

Put them thingies down
and come and dance now.
Wait, wait. No, no.

Yes, yes, yes!
Could we just wait?

Couldn't we just—
Give me a second.
All right.

♪ Let me go on ♪

♪ Big hands, I know you're the one ♪
[ Hedy Whooping ]

Guys, I think I see
a plume of smoke
in the distance.

♪ When I'm walkin',
I strut my stuff ♪

♪ And I'm so strung out ♪

♪ I'm high as a kite— ♪♪

[ Crows Cawing ]

♪♪ [ ‘‘House of the Rising Sun" ] ♪♪

♪ There is a house ♪

♪ In New Orleans ♪

♪ They call ♪

♪ The Rising Sun ♪

♪ And it's been the ruin ♪

♪ Of many a poor boy ♪

♪ And God, I know ♪

♪ I'm one ♪

♪♪ [ Glockenspiel ] ♪♪

[ Together ]
♪ Mothers ♪

♪ Tell your children— ♪

No!

- What the fuck?
- What gives?

- [ Others Shouting ]
- Shut up!

Now, if you guys
wanna sing ‘‘Kumbaya"
as the world's about to end,

then be my guest!

But I'm not gonna just
sit in here and lay down
like a dog.

Now, the way I see it,

we have an hour,
maybe two,

before the air runs out.

So if we're gonna make a move,
it's gotta be right now.

Yeah, but what move
is that?

I'm taking the SUV,
and I'm getting outta here.

Where are you gonna go?

I don't know.

Is that my backpack?
Yeah.

If I roll up the windows,
kill the AC,

it'll give me some time.

Not long, but...

maybe enough time
to find something,
anything.

And it might be
a fool's errand,

but I'm not gonna regret it.

'Cause I'll know that
if I die,

at least I died trying.

Who's with me?

[ Door Slams ]
[ Murmuring,
Clearing Throats ]

Good?
Okay, everybody take calm,
short breaths to conserve air.

And keep the talking
to a minimum.
Right.

Starting now.

Are we ready?

Here we go.
[ Ignition Clicks ]

Say, Glenn, when you
checked my radio earlier,

did you remember
to turn the car off after?

Lexi— Lexi was in here
listening to music.

Lexi.
Lexi was listening—

We were in here too.
Oh, my gosh.

♪♪ [ Classical, Melancholy ] ♪♪

♪♪ [ Glockenspiel:
Single Note Repeating ] ♪♪

I know I'm new
to the group, but...

I think we should
set the table and...

eat like we were
supposed to.

You know, I think
we should eat
and drink...

and swap stories,

you know, and-and—
and enjoy couples' brunch...

the way we were meant to.

I can be down for that.

It would be a shame
to see my quiche go to waste.

Yeah. Well,
then let's do it.

Is your quiche vegan?
Yes.

How about you, Shane?
You hungry?

Nah, I'm good.
[ Hedy ]
Come on, Shane.

When the North Koreans
come...

and they take you away
to some makeshift camp,

they're probably not
gonna feed you anything
more than gruel...

for, like, days.

North Korean food
does suck.

Okay, okay.
Well, great.

Right?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Okay, good.
Let's— Let's do this.

I'm gonna go grab
some wine. Yeah?

Okay.

[ Wind Whistling ]

♪♪ [ Piano, Classical ] ♪♪
[ Emma ]
Okay, I got one.

Uh, something
I've never told anyone.

When I used to work
at that pizza place
in college,

um, I used to take money
from the register.

Wow. Really?
Mm-hmm, yep.

Why?
So I could steal it, Pete.

Why do you think?
All right.
Yeah, granted, but—

How much—
How much did you take?
Uh, you know,

probably just,
like, three grand.

[ All Exclaiming ]
[ Pete ]
Just like, three grand?

And I'm— I'm impressed.
That's— Wow.
Thank you.

[ Buck ]
Okay. I've got one.

This is something
I've never told anyone.

I fucking love
Love Actually.

There's nothing wrong with that.
I'm serious.
I watch it every Christmas.

Why are you ashamed of that?
I love that movie.

I'm not anymore.
I'm free now.

You worked through it.
I'm proud of you.

- I think I killed somebody.
- [ Chattering Stops ]

This one night,
I was driving home,

and this homeless guy
just stepped right out
in front of me.

Bam.

And I just took off.

Well, you know, I'm sure
there was nothing
you could've done.

Oh, no, there was.

He was still breathing
when I left.

[ Footsteps
Descending Stairs ]
[ Tracy ] Glenn?

I'll be up
in a minute.

Glenn, what are you
doing down here?
Everybody—

Tracy, are you familiar
with the Rapture?

The band...

or the Blondie song?

The prophecies
in the Book of Revelations.

No, I don't like
where this is going.

At the end of times,
all true believers...

who are alive
before Armageddon—

which is the final battle
of the Apocalypse,

which... has clearly started—

will be taken by God
from Earth to heaven.

All the non believers...

will be forced to walk
a hell on earth...

for a seven-year period
of tribulations...

in which they will
sit in judgement.

I fear for all of you.

I love you, Tracy,
and I love your friends.

I have huge love for them,

and I want to help
with their judgement.

Tracy, I...

would like to ask you...

to sit beside me
at the marriage supper
of the Lamb.

[ Whimpers ]

[ Quavering Voice ]
Oh, man.

Well—

[ Sighs ]

Honey?
Oh, whoa!

Yeah.

[ Emma ]
Honey?
Yeah.

He's crazy.
Who's crazy?

He's crazy.
Glenn.

I think
he's really cool. I do.
Yeah.

- I think-
- No. No, no, no.

He's certifiable.
He belongs in a tiny
little padded room...

with one tiny little window.

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Chuckling ]
Hey.

- I found some wine.
- [ Emma ] Great.
- [ Pete ] Perfect timing.

And I'm sure, Tracy,

that you are
probably just...

taking one thing
about that person...

and blowing it
out of proportion.

No! No. No, I'm not.
I'm not.

You always think that I am,
but I never am. I never am.

I know you think that I'm some
sad, pathetic character
from a Cathy cartoon...

or a sitcom
that Brooke Shields
would've been in.

But it's true.
It's always true!

He poisoned your wine,
by the way.

- [ Gags ]
- What? He did what?

Guilty as charged.

What the fuck?
Glenn, you're
a guest in this house.

- That is not fucking cool, dude.
- No!

- Okay. Everybody calm down.
- You calm down!

I am calm, Shane.
I'm extremely calm.

- We can see that, Glenn.
- What's in this?

Well, I crushed up
about 40 sleeping pills...

and, uh, 30
muscle relaxants.

And then I put in a—
a good heaping amount
of rat poison.

Are you trying
to kill us?

Yes, Hedy, I'm trying
to kill you.

Oh, well, then that
would do the trick.

Uh, what were you
thinking, Glenn?

That Jesus Christ— sorry—
is gonna put us all on trial?

You're paraphrasing.
She's paraphrasing.

Oh, okay. My bad. My bad.
Let me rephrase that.

Johnny Crazy Balls over here
is gonna save us all
from seeing Armageddon.

That movie was awesome.
So that is what is
going to happen?

Okay, let me rephrase that.
Please.

This is very serious.

Every one of you
sitting at this table...

will sit before St. Peter
as he judges you...

to see whether you gain
entrance into heaven.

Now, I am
going to heaven.
That is a fact.

I desperately
want you all
to join me there.

if you drink this wine,
you stand a far
greater chance...

of spending the rest
of eternity in heaven.

- Wow. You were right.
- You see?

You see? Do you see?

Is shit in the Bible,
or are you making this up?

‘‘No one knows
the days or hours,

[ Together ]
not even the angels in heaven."

Matthew 24:36.

Lexi. Yes.

You see, Buck,
I teach this for a living,

so I know what
I'm talking about.

- I thought you said
you teach history.
- Because I do teach history.

I teach Bible history.
That is history.

You didn't put that
in your Internet profile,
now, did ya?

I thought you met
at a grocery store.

I don't wanna be
the one to say this,

but I think Glenn might
actually be on to something.

What? Have you gone
fuckin' insane too?
No offense.

Purely from
a biological standpoint,

when the nerve gas
slips into the house—

and it will eventually
slip into the house—

we are all going to go
through a very long...

and a very painful ordeal.

- Ordeal? What do you
mean ‘‘ordeal"?
- Yeah.

That sounds ominous.
I don't like ominous.

Deets, please.
[ Emma ]
Yeah.

Okay. Uh, well,

you might start
with blurred vision
and a headache.

Move quickly to nausea,

intense vomiting
and diarrhea.

That would be followed
by copious sweating,

involuntary
muscle twitching.

♪♪ [ Woman Singing ♪♪
“Ave Maria” ]
Then there's the blindness,

dyspnea and seizures.

The initial
violent contractions...

will turn into sustained
super-contractions,

which results in the paralysis
of all the muscles in your body.

And ultimately
it's the paralysis
of the diaphragm muscle...

that leads to death
by asphyxiation.

If we're lucky, we could
lose consciousness
before some of that.

If we're lucky.

♪♪ [ Continues ] ♪♪

So.

Well, I'm in.

Till death do us part.
Mm-hmm.

Seriously? We're just gonna
go all Jones town on this?

Did you not just hear
that laundry list
she just rattled off?

I don't even know
what a ‘‘disnepsis" is,
but I don't fuckin' want it.

It's gonna be
a lot less painful
to drink the wine.

Yes.

Well, it— it might
be better than me
falling into enemy hands,

given my knowledge
ofAmerican pop culture...

and the industrial-military
complex, but—

Do you have any white?

I'm sorry?

If this is gonna be
my last drink on earth,

I just don't really
care for merlot.

[ Glenn ]
Can— Can I jump in?

When I was down there,
and I—

I had some of the wine before
I put all the stuff in it.

And, um,
it's pretty good merlot.

- It really is.
- I'm sure it is, but still—

Shane, will you just drink
the fucking red wine?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I mean—

It kind of makes sense, but—

Can we all agree that I'm right?
That he's fucking crazy?

- Oh, yeah.
- Duly noted.

[ Glenn ]
Well, can I tell you
someone else...

who was considered
the F-word crazy?

Was Saul of Tarsus, so—

What do you think?

No.
No?

No.

I mean, what—

What if a SWAT team comes
bursting through the door...

at the last minute
to save our lives?

What if this vegan stew
has some sort of immunity
to the chemical...

and we're all
gonna be just fine?

What if—
What if we survive?

I mean, is that completely
out of the question here?

I just don't want
to lose hope.

You're right.
I'm with you.

Oh, you guys
are so sweet.

So have fun
shitting blood,

and let's do this.

I don't know. I—

I don't know. I kind of...
want to do it if everybody
else is gonna do it.

But then maybe I should
stay with Pete and Emma. I—

No. I don't know
what we were thinking.
Never mind.

- Really? I don't wanna—
- No, no, no.
We're with you guys.

We're in.
Yeah, we're in.

- Okay.
- [ Glenn ]
Okay.

I will see you all...

at the pearly gates.

I'm Jewish, by the way.

What?

Okay, um, let me
take the moment
to say...

Thank you all
for coming today.
Yeah. Thanks, guys.

Everyone's been a really
great friend.
[ Mouthing Words ]

Honestly.
[ Mouthing Words ]

This is the best one
of these things
we've ever had.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, no.
Please no.
Don't.

So, how should we
go about this?

On three?

On three,
or roshambo style?

Like, ‘‘One, two, three, go."

We'll just do one, two, three,
go. Drink.

Not saying ‘‘drink."
Just—

Say the words
‘‘One, two, three, go."

- And then we'll drink.
- Perfect.

♪♪ [ "Ave Maria" Continues ] ♪♪

Glennzo?

You want me to say it?

It's your gig, bro.

[ Exhales ]
Thank you, Buck.

Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.

[ Hedy Exhales ]

One, two—

Wait. Quick-
Quick question. Sorry.

Um, is it okay
to take one sip,

or do we have to chug
the whole thing?

I would chug it.
It's better safe than sorry.

- Chug.
- Okay. Okay, sorry.

Continue.
Okay.

[ Exhales ]
I'm gonna start over again.

I'm not gonna
continue from there.
I think it could be confusing.

From one?
From one.

Okay.

[ Glenn ]
One, two, three, go.

♪ Ave Maria ♪

Okay. Seriously,
what's the deal?

I was waiting to see
if everybody else did it.

I was doing the same thing.
That's what I did.

Yeah. We were too.
Yeah.

Okay. Let's do this for real.

- Let's really do this, okay?
- Why didn't you drink
this last time?

Because I suspected
that was gonna happen,
and I was right, so—

Okay.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪♪ [ Ends ] ♪♪

Are we doing this,
or what?

♪♪ [ "1812 Overture" ] ♪♪

♪♪ [ Ends ] ♪♪

♪♪ [ Alt Rock ] ♪♪

♪ Things are lookin’ up ♪

♪ We’re going strong ♪

♪ We’re making the move ♪

♪ We’re taking ’em one by one ♪

♪ Things are lovely
when they go wrong ♪

♪ And on and on ♪

♪ Forever until they’ve gone ♪

♪ It’s a disaster, baby ♪

♪ I know things
have been tough lately ♪

♪ And we know there's no
relief for us in sight ♪

♪ It’s a disaster, baby ♪

♪ I know that I drive you crazy ♪

♪ The world's at the end of days ♪

♪ So I guess you’re here to stay ♪

♪ Yeah, things are looking up ♪

♪ It won’t be long ♪

♪ Still moving on ♪

♪ Till the atmosphere’s
completely gone ♪

♪ Things are lovely ♪

♪ When you’re alone ♪

♪ Nowhere to go ♪

♪ Disaster all around ♪

♪ It’s a disaster, baby ♪

♪ I know that I drive you crazy ♪

♪ The world's at the end of days ♪

♪ So I guess we’re here to stay ♪

♪ The world's at the end of days ♪

♪ So I guess we’re here to stay ♪

♪ The world's at the end of days ♪

♪ So I guess we’re here to stay ♪

[ Drink Pouring ]

[ Glass Clinks ]

[ Man ]
Cheers.