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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,800 Hi. My name's Caveh, and I'm about to be married. 2 00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:38,569 Um, this isn't my first time. I've actually been married twice before. 3 00:00:38,642 --> 00:00:42,134 Um, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be the last time. 4 00:00:42,212 --> 00:00:43,804 Um... 5 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:47,247 How can I know that for sure? I can't, obviously. 6 00:00:47,317 --> 00:00:50,946 My last two marriages fell apart because I used to have this sex addiction problem, 7 00:00:51,021 --> 00:00:53,114 and I don't really have that anymore. 8 00:00:53,189 --> 00:00:56,158 Well, at least not in the way I used to. 9 00:00:56,226 --> 00:00:57,693 Um... 10 00:00:57,761 --> 00:01:01,857 You see, about ten years ago I started going to these Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. 11 00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,264 Hi. My name's Caveh. I'm a sex addict. 12 00:01:05,335 --> 00:01:07,269 Hi, Caveh. 13 00:01:07,337 --> 00:01:11,740 For me, it all started in Paris about seven years ago. 14 00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:23,510 Actually, I wasn't able to raise enough money to go to Paris, 15 00:01:23,586 --> 00:01:25,781 so I'm just going to shoot it here in San Francisco, 16 00:01:25,855 --> 00:01:27,345 which is where I live now. 17 00:01:27,424 --> 00:01:29,654 So if you could just pretend this is Paris... 18 00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:39,193 ...and that I'm 23 years old. 19 00:01:43,239 --> 00:01:45,503 So anyway, I was walking down the street one day... 20 00:01:48,712 --> 00:01:52,671 ...when I saw this prostitute. 21 00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:57,219 The first thing that struck me was what she was wearing. 22 00:01:58,121 --> 00:02:00,919 But then I noticed her uncanny resemblance to my wife. 23 00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:05,222 I thought it was strange that I should be so turned on by this woman, 24 00:02:05,295 --> 00:02:09,197 and yet no longer the least bit attracted to my wife. 25 00:02:09,265 --> 00:02:11,028 You fucking shut the fuck up! 26 00:02:11,101 --> 00:02:13,433 This is Caroline, my wife. 27 00:02:13,503 --> 00:02:15,403 How I ended up marrying her 28 00:02:15,472 --> 00:02:19,602 instead of the person I was really in love with is a long story. 29 00:02:19,676 --> 00:02:23,737 But I should probably start by explaining that I never would have married Caroline 30 00:02:23,813 --> 00:02:25,906 if it hadn't been for the fact that she was French... 31 00:02:27,884 --> 00:02:29,749 ... and that her visa was about to expire. 32 00:02:30,887 --> 00:02:33,219 Actually, let me back up a second. 33 00:02:36,726 --> 00:02:38,489 This is Anna. 34 00:02:38,561 --> 00:02:41,962 She was my first real girlfriend and the love of my life. 35 00:02:43,666 --> 00:02:46,897 We had met in college and had been together for two years. 36 00:02:48,371 --> 00:02:51,898 Now, I should probably explain that ever since I was a kid, 37 00:02:51,975 --> 00:02:55,206 I was obsessed with finding my soul mate. 38 00:02:55,278 --> 00:02:57,610 Every time I would meet a girl I would think, 39 00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,011 "Is she the one? 40 00:02:59,182 --> 00:03:00,615 "Is she the one? 41 00:03:00,683 --> 00:03:02,344 Or is she the one?" 42 00:03:02,986 --> 00:03:06,114 I was constantly falling in love at the drop of a hat, 43 00:03:06,189 --> 00:03:10,125 but the girls I was attracted to never seemed to be attracted to me. 44 00:03:11,561 --> 00:03:13,859 Things went on like this for years, 45 00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:17,229 and I was starting to despair of ever finding a soul mate. 46 00:03:18,468 --> 00:03:20,265 And then I met Anna. 47 00:03:21,838 --> 00:03:23,965 She had the most beautiful soul of anyone I had ever met. 48 00:03:25,542 --> 00:03:28,636 And the two years we spent together were the happiest of my life. 49 00:03:31,181 --> 00:03:33,649 It seemed that nothing could ever come between us 50 00:03:33,716 --> 00:03:35,513 and that we would always be together. 51 00:03:38,688 --> 00:03:41,680 The only problem was that I was a philosophy major 52 00:03:41,758 --> 00:03:43,521 and believed in free love. 53 00:03:46,162 --> 00:03:49,290 To me, monogamy was a form of private property, 54 00:03:49,365 --> 00:03:52,129 and I was against private property. 55 00:03:52,202 --> 00:03:53,794 Let me try one more a different way. 56 00:03:55,605 --> 00:04:00,065 Our role models at the time were Jean Paul Satre and Simone de Beauvoir 57 00:04:00,143 --> 00:04:03,078 because they were said to have had a polygamous relationship 58 00:04:03,146 --> 00:04:05,114 which had lasted their entire lives. 59 00:04:07,750 --> 00:04:10,742 Anna had had affairs, and so had I. 60 00:04:11,254 --> 00:04:13,779 Of course, we both got jealous at times, 61 00:04:13,857 --> 00:04:17,190 but we believed that jealousy was something to be transcended 62 00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:20,127 and that it was possible to love more than one person at a time... 63 00:04:21,798 --> 00:04:24,062 ... which is how I ended up becoming involved with Caroline. 64 00:04:27,704 --> 00:04:30,468 We had met in Paris a few months earlier 65 00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:32,405 and had spent three idyllic days together. 66 00:04:32,475 --> 00:04:37,174 I know I said that we couldn't afford to shoot in Paris, and we really can't, 67 00:04:37,247 --> 00:04:39,715 but the actress playing Caroline, 68 00:04:39,782 --> 00:04:44,242 her visa expired and she actually had to go back to France 69 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,050 before we could finish the film. 70 00:04:47,123 --> 00:04:49,853 Actually, let me back up a little. 71 00:04:49,926 --> 00:04:53,623 You see, I had a really hard time finding a French actress to play my wife. 72 00:04:53,696 --> 00:04:55,687 And then one day I saw this woman on the street 73 00:04:55,765 --> 00:04:57,960 who looked a lot like the real Caroline. 74 00:04:58,034 --> 00:05:01,231 So I started talking to her and found out that she was French. 75 00:05:01,304 --> 00:05:03,033 So I asked her to audition. 76 00:05:03,106 --> 00:05:06,735 So what do you do for money? What's your business? 77 00:05:06,809 --> 00:05:08,367 I have a make-up company. 78 00:05:08,444 --> 00:05:10,435 Oh, really? Are you a make-up artist? 79 00:05:10,513 --> 00:05:13,277 Well, actually, I teach people to do make-up. 80 00:05:13,349 --> 00:05:15,408 Really? So you're a make-up artist teacher? 81 00:05:15,485 --> 00:05:16,679 Yes, I am. 82 00:05:16,753 --> 00:05:18,311 Now, I should probably explain 83 00:05:18,388 --> 00:05:21,289 that the real Caroline was also a make-up artist, 84 00:05:21,357 --> 00:05:25,987 which I took as a sign that I had found the perfect person to play the role. 85 00:05:26,062 --> 00:05:29,964 But then a few months later, when we were about to do re-shoots, 86 00:05:30,033 --> 00:05:31,933 something really weird happened. 87 00:05:32,001 --> 00:05:35,198 Okay, something really weird just happened. 88 00:05:35,271 --> 00:05:40,903 I was looking for a French prostitute 89 00:05:40,977 --> 00:05:43,411 to act in the movie for the prostitute scene. 90 00:05:43,479 --> 00:05:45,208 Where is it? 91 00:05:45,281 --> 00:05:46,646 There it is. 92 00:05:46,716 --> 00:05:51,483 I found this face that says Rebecca Lord. 93 00:05:51,554 --> 00:05:53,181 So I open it... 94 00:05:55,325 --> 00:05:57,418 And I'm like... 95 00:05:57,493 --> 00:06:00,223 "Porn Star Rebecca Lord, French." 96 00:06:00,296 --> 00:06:04,357 And I'm like, "Wow, she looks so much like Caroline." 97 00:06:06,269 --> 00:06:08,328 I go down. 98 00:06:08,404 --> 00:06:11,237 I'm like, "She looks so much like Caroline." 99 00:06:11,307 --> 00:06:14,435 And then it says here, 100 00:06:14,510 --> 00:06:17,172 "working first as a make-up artist." 101 00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,804 That's what Caroline was. 102 00:06:19,749 --> 00:06:24,413 And then it says that she'll be visiting San Francisco August 7th through 11th. 103 00:06:24,487 --> 00:06:26,512 That's when we're shooting our re-shoots. 104 00:06:27,190 --> 00:06:29,784 And I'm like, "Wait a minute. 105 00:06:29,859 --> 00:06:33,955 Caroline... is a prostitute?" 106 00:06:38,334 --> 00:06:40,029 And then there's all these movies. 107 00:06:41,170 --> 00:06:43,331 Here's her list of credits. 108 00:06:48,644 --> 00:06:50,305 Sluts of France. 109 00:06:53,549 --> 00:06:58,384 So I had inadvertently cast a porn star to play my French wife. 110 00:06:59,022 --> 00:07:01,320 But anyway, getting back to the story. 111 00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:06,090 We had met in Paris a few months earlier 112 00:07:06,162 --> 00:07:08,995 and had spent three idyllic days together. 113 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,968 I had been totally honest with Caroline 114 00:07:13,036 --> 00:07:15,937 about my relationship with Anna and had even asked her... 115 00:07:16,005 --> 00:07:18,303 Do you ever get jealous? 116 00:07:18,374 --> 00:07:19,466 To which she had answered... 117 00:07:19,542 --> 00:07:22,204 Life is too short for that. 118 00:07:22,278 --> 00:07:24,838 I was blown away by her answer 119 00:07:24,914 --> 00:07:28,372 and I found myself starting to fall in love with Caroline. 120 00:07:29,519 --> 00:07:32,682 But I still believed that Anna was the true love of my life. 121 00:07:34,090 --> 00:07:37,958 But then a month later, Caroline flew to the States to see me, 122 00:07:38,027 --> 00:07:40,621 and it was then that the trouble started. 123 00:07:40,696 --> 00:07:43,631 You see, Anna became jealous of Caroline 124 00:07:43,699 --> 00:07:46,634 and insisted that I choose between them. 125 00:07:46,702 --> 00:07:48,932 I didn't want to choose between them. 126 00:07:49,005 --> 00:07:51,064 I wanted to be able to see them both. 127 00:07:52,208 --> 00:07:54,836 But then Anna got a summer internship in New York, 128 00:07:54,911 --> 00:07:58,904 and Caroline and I ended up spending the summer together. 129 00:07:58,981 --> 00:08:02,212 Which is why when her visa expired. 130 00:08:02,285 --> 00:08:05,914 I offered to marry her so that she could stay in the States. 131 00:08:06,122 --> 00:08:10,650 Now, I should probably explain that I wasn't exactly the marrying type. 132 00:08:10,726 --> 00:08:13,695 In fact, I was totally against marriage. 133 00:08:13,763 --> 00:08:16,755 You see, I had grown up during the Vietnam War 134 00:08:16,833 --> 00:08:19,893 and I saw marriage as pat of the same capitalist system 135 00:08:19,969 --> 00:08:22,028 that had produced the genocide in Vietnam. 136 00:08:30,046 --> 00:08:32,412 But I was also influenced by performance at... 137 00:08:33,649 --> 00:08:36,675 ... and by the idea of life itself as a kind of performance piece. 138 00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:43,054 And to me the institution of marriage was so inherently absurd 139 00:08:43,126 --> 00:08:46,254 that I tried to subvert it by treating it as performance art. 140 00:08:46,329 --> 00:08:47,421 I do. 141 00:08:47,497 --> 00:08:51,194 Except that the joke, as it turned out, was on me. 142 00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:54,634 Because when Anna found out that I had gotten married to Caroline, 143 00:08:54,704 --> 00:08:56,695 she didn't take it so well. 144 00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:00,602 And then I did something incredibly dumb. 145 00:09:02,078 --> 00:09:04,603 You see, Caroline and I were about to run out of money... 146 00:09:06,249 --> 00:09:11,186 ... and the idea of having to get a job was, in my mind, a fate worse than death. 147 00:09:12,288 --> 00:09:14,722 The only occupation I was interested in 148 00:09:14,790 --> 00:09:17,418 was that of famous filmmaker. 149 00:09:17,493 --> 00:09:19,791 But the few experimental films that I had made 150 00:09:19,862 --> 00:09:24,094 hadn't exactly been greeted with enthusiasm by the film world. 151 00:09:34,277 --> 00:09:36,074 To remedy this situation, 152 00:09:36,145 --> 00:09:40,377 I had recently written a script about the French poet Arthur Rimbaud 153 00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:43,441 which I was convinced would revolutionize cinema... 154 00:09:46,222 --> 00:09:49,521 ... and which Caroline insisted it would be easy to raise money for in France. 155 00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:54,152 It will be easy to raise money for this in France. 156 00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:58,991 But moving to France turned out to be a disaster. 157 00:10:00,236 --> 00:10:04,764 Most of the film producers I approached wouldn't even talk to me. 158 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,708 The few that did just told me that I was nobody. 159 00:10:10,146 --> 00:10:13,513 Meanwhile, my relationship with Caroline had started to unravel. 160 00:10:15,117 --> 00:10:19,110 Caroline was insanely jealous of Anna and would cry hysterically 161 00:10:19,188 --> 00:10:21,713 whenever I would write her a letter or talk to her on the phone. 162 00:10:21,791 --> 00:10:23,315 Hi, how are you doing? 163 00:10:23,392 --> 00:10:26,691 I was starting to feel trapped, and it was hard not to blame Caroline 164 00:10:26,762 --> 00:10:31,256 for having gotten in the way of my relationship with Anna. 165 00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:34,462 And then one day, I got a letter from Anna 166 00:10:34,537 --> 00:10:37,165 saying that she was going to be in Amsterdam 167 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,640 and asking if I would like to meet her there. 168 00:10:41,444 --> 00:10:42,775 I was ecstatic. 169 00:10:42,845 --> 00:10:46,372 I felt that I was finally being given a chance to get back together with Anna. 170 00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:51,646 But Caroline knew that if I left I would never come back, 171 00:10:51,721 --> 00:10:53,712 so she decided to jump out a window. 172 00:10:55,925 --> 00:10:57,893 The thought of being responsible for her death 173 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,758 - was way more guilt than I could handle. 174 00:11:00,830 --> 00:11:03,799 - Caroline! Caroline! - No! No! 175 00:11:06,302 --> 00:11:08,998 So I agreed never to see Anna again. 176 00:11:15,645 --> 00:11:18,739 It was by far the most painful decision I ever made. 177 00:11:19,749 --> 00:11:22,309 But I did it because years of going to Sunday school 178 00:11:22,385 --> 00:11:25,616 had taught me to equate virtue with sacrifice. 179 00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:30,350 - Can I come down? One more time. 180 00:11:30,426 --> 00:11:34,624 I should probably also explain that when I was in college 181 00:11:34,697 --> 00:11:36,460 I had once asked my friend Arnold... 182 00:11:39,602 --> 00:11:43,231 What's your, like, ultimate goal in life? 183 00:11:43,306 --> 00:11:44,637 And he had said... 184 00:11:44,707 --> 00:11:46,572 To be a saint. 185 00:11:46,642 --> 00:11:48,633 I'd been blown away by his answer... 186 00:11:50,112 --> 00:11:53,104 ... and I decided that I too would try to become a saint. 187 00:11:55,117 --> 00:11:58,575 Which is why, when Caroline asked me 188 00:11:58,654 --> 00:12:02,215 to cut all ties with the only person I had ever truly loved, 189 00:12:02,291 --> 00:12:04,088 I agreed. 190 00:12:07,663 --> 00:12:09,494 When I found out much later 191 00:12:09,565 --> 00:12:12,329 that Anna had gotten married to someone else, 192 00:12:12,401 --> 00:12:14,631 I was devastated. 193 00:12:14,704 --> 00:12:19,698 I had still been secretly hoping that Caroline and I would eventually break up 194 00:12:19,775 --> 00:12:22,903 and that Anna and I would one day get back together. 195 00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:26,539 But now I realized that it was really over. 196 00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:33,247 I tried my best to transcend my feelings 197 00:12:33,322 --> 00:12:37,486 and to resign myself to a life of quiet desperation. 198 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:40,757 But the truth is I was incredibly angry. 199 00:12:40,830 --> 00:12:42,730 I was angry at God, 200 00:12:42,798 --> 00:12:44,561 I was angry at Caroline, 201 00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:47,124 and I was angry at myself. 202 00:12:47,203 --> 00:12:50,400 But mostly I was angry at Caroline. 203 00:12:51,807 --> 00:12:55,208 And then one day I was walking down the street 204 00:12:55,277 --> 00:12:59,008 when I saw... this prostitute. 205 00:13:02,585 --> 00:13:03,779 There was something about her 206 00:13:03,853 --> 00:13:07,721 that turned me on in a way that I had never been turned on before. 207 00:13:09,158 --> 00:13:11,683 It was as if I had been hypnotized. 208 00:13:19,468 --> 00:13:23,837 And then I suddenly found myself saying something that I had never said before. 209 00:13:23,906 --> 00:13:25,669 I said the words... 210 00:13:27,510 --> 00:13:32,447 Now, I should probably explain that I had always considered myself a feminist 211 00:13:32,515 --> 00:13:35,951 and had even marched in an anti-pornography rally once. 212 00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:39,721 Which is why 213 00:13:39,789 --> 00:13:42,121 when I suddenly found myself saying the words... 214 00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:46,455 ...I half expected the prostitute to run screaming... 215 00:13:48,964 --> 00:13:50,591 ... or to slap me in the face. 216 00:13:52,334 --> 00:13:56,862 The fact that she didn't, but smiled instead and said... 217 00:13:59,475 --> 00:14:00,533 ... made my head spin. 218 00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:19,824 Afterwards, I was a nervous wreck. 219 00:14:21,964 --> 00:14:23,955 I couldn't get her out of my mind. 220 00:14:36,846 --> 00:14:38,370 Hi. - Hi. 221 00:14:48,457 --> 00:14:52,518 I thought that if I masturbated, I would get her out of my system. 222 00:14:53,462 --> 00:14:55,430 But it didn't work. 223 00:14:57,766 --> 00:15:01,725 So after several days of compulsive masturbation, 224 00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:04,329 I decided that I needed a new strategy. 225 00:15:14,583 --> 00:15:18,144 You see, I knew that she was just a regular person. 226 00:15:18,220 --> 00:15:22,919 But in my mind, I had somehow made her into an image of erotic salvation. 227 00:15:24,059 --> 00:15:28,758 And it seemed that the only way to get her off the erotic pedestal that I had put her on 228 00:15:28,831 --> 00:15:31,061 was to have a real conversation with her. 229 00:15:35,204 --> 00:15:38,173 Unfortunately, she wasn't there. 230 00:15:52,221 --> 00:15:56,555 I was mad at myself for having wasted so many hours of my day, 231 00:15:56,625 --> 00:15:58,889 but I didn't want to leave empty-handed. 232 00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:34,625 I asked that same question to every prostitute that was there that day. 233 00:16:34,697 --> 00:16:37,029 I might even have asked some of them twice. 234 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,567 Afterwards, I felt strangely euphoric. 235 00:16:42,504 --> 00:16:46,702 And I returned home feeling that I had finally gotten this thing out of my system. 236 00:16:49,011 --> 00:16:50,672 But I was wrong. 237 00:16:50,746 --> 00:16:54,204 Instead of fantasizing about just the one prostitute, 238 00:16:54,283 --> 00:16:56,683 I was now fantasizing about all of them. 239 00:16:58,454 --> 00:17:00,547 I went back the next day... 240 00:17:00,623 --> 00:17:03,387 and the next day... 241 00:17:03,459 --> 00:17:05,359 and the next. 242 00:17:07,196 --> 00:17:09,858 At first it was enough just to talk to them... 243 00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:13,561 ... and to fantasize about them afterwards. 244 00:17:17,406 --> 00:17:21,342 But after a while, just talking to them was no longer enough. 245 00:17:30,052 --> 00:17:32,646 Now, I know that a lot of guys in my situation 246 00:17:32,721 --> 00:17:35,212 would have just gone ahead and had sex with the prostitute 247 00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:37,315 and not told their wife about it. 248 00:17:37,393 --> 00:17:39,861 But I had this thing about honesty. 249 00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:42,260 You see, when I was a kid, 250 00:17:42,331 --> 00:17:45,630 my mother found out that my father had been cheating on her 251 00:17:45,701 --> 00:17:49,228 and made him drive my sister and me to this other woman's apartment 252 00:17:49,304 --> 00:17:52,398 in order to humiliate him in front of us. 253 00:17:52,474 --> 00:17:55,068 I was too young to know what sex was, 254 00:17:55,144 --> 00:17:57,510 but I knew that it was a very bad thing 255 00:17:57,579 --> 00:18:00,878 and that it was responsible for my parents' divorce. 256 00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:04,146 I was only eight years old at the time, 257 00:18:04,219 --> 00:18:06,210 but I began to hate my father. 258 00:18:06,288 --> 00:18:09,189 And I vowed to myself that I would never be like him. 259 00:18:23,172 --> 00:18:27,939 You know, if you really need to see a prostitute, you can. 260 00:18:28,010 --> 00:18:31,946 I don't want to see a prostitute. I want to try to resist. 261 00:18:32,014 --> 00:18:33,709 But I think I need your help. 262 00:18:33,782 --> 00:18:35,977 What do you want me to do? 263 00:18:36,051 --> 00:18:38,349 I just need to be able to talk to you. 264 00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:41,389 I think if I can talk to you about it, I'll be less tempted, 265 00:18:41,457 --> 00:18:43,220 and it'll be easier for me to resist. 266 00:18:43,292 --> 00:18:45,886 You can talk to me about it. 267 00:18:45,961 --> 00:18:47,588 I can? 268 00:18:47,663 --> 00:18:49,995 Of course. 269 00:18:50,065 --> 00:18:51,589 Ohh. 270 00:18:52,968 --> 00:18:55,232 God, I feel so much better. 271 00:18:58,907 --> 00:19:01,467 Are you tempted to have intercourse with a prostitute 272 00:19:01,543 --> 00:19:05,741 or just to get a blow job? 273 00:19:05,814 --> 00:19:07,714 Oh, no. Just get a blow job. 274 00:19:07,783 --> 00:19:11,014 I would never want to have intercourse with one. That would gross me out. 275 00:19:11,086 --> 00:19:13,577 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 276 00:19:13,655 --> 00:19:16,385 You're the only person I'd ever want to have intercourse with. 277 00:19:16,458 --> 00:19:17,891 You promise? 278 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,656 Yeah, I promise. 279 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:28,067 Is there anything I can do to make you less tempted? 280 00:19:31,006 --> 00:19:34,567 Maybe if you could give me blow jobs more often? 281 00:19:34,643 --> 00:19:36,270 I don't mind. 282 00:19:36,345 --> 00:19:39,405 I can even give you a blow job right now if you like. 283 00:19:41,617 --> 00:19:42,777 Okay. 284 00:19:46,955 --> 00:19:49,549 I felt guilty accepting her offer, 285 00:19:49,625 --> 00:19:51,991 but I thought it might be a good idea. 286 00:20:04,306 --> 00:20:07,104 I was still fantasizing that she was a prostitute, 287 00:20:07,176 --> 00:20:09,906 but the fact that she knew and accepted this part of me 288 00:20:09,978 --> 00:20:12,276 made it different than before. 289 00:20:12,347 --> 00:20:17,284 It made it something we were sharing, something that we were doing together. 290 00:20:17,352 --> 00:20:20,583 And I felt that I was seeing Caroline for the first time. 291 00:20:23,792 --> 00:20:27,193 After I came, I was still hard. 292 00:20:27,262 --> 00:20:30,356 This was something that had never happened to me before. 293 00:20:30,432 --> 00:20:33,367 It was as if my no longer having to repress my sexuality 294 00:20:33,435 --> 00:20:37,531 had suddenly unleashed a backlog of repressed sexual energy. 295 00:20:37,606 --> 00:20:40,006 So Caroline offered to give me another blow job. 296 00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:48,107 To my astonishment, I was still hard. 297 00:20:48,183 --> 00:20:51,209 So Caroline offered to give me yet another blow job. 298 00:20:54,756 --> 00:20:58,385 Afterwards, I was still hard. 299 00:20:58,460 --> 00:21:02,988 I had never seen anything like it, and I actually started to get scared. 300 00:21:03,065 --> 00:21:08,264 I was afraid that my erection had become permanent and would never go away. 301 00:21:08,337 --> 00:21:10,805 Caroline offered to give me yet another blow job, 302 00:21:10,873 --> 00:21:13,364 but I had recently gotten a job as a film critic 303 00:21:13,442 --> 00:21:16,036 and I didn't want to be late to my first screening. 304 00:21:20,749 --> 00:21:23,980 On the way there my erection finally subsided. 305 00:21:32,127 --> 00:21:35,324 At that moment I was filled with boundless love for Caroline, 306 00:21:35,397 --> 00:21:37,865 and I felt closer to her than ever before. 307 00:21:41,270 --> 00:21:43,500 As part of our newfound intimacy, 308 00:21:43,572 --> 00:21:46,473 I started pointing out to Caroline the women I was attracted to. 309 00:21:46,541 --> 00:21:48,532 I like that one. 310 00:21:48,610 --> 00:21:51,044 That one? She's gross! 311 00:21:51,113 --> 00:21:53,172 Not to me. 312 00:21:53,248 --> 00:21:56,615 - I like that one, too. - You're kidding, right? 313 00:21:56,685 --> 00:21:58,710 No, I'm serious. She's exactly my type. 314 00:21:58,787 --> 00:22:00,186 But she's so vulgar. 315 00:22:00,255 --> 00:22:03,986 I know. That's what I like about her. It's true. 316 00:22:05,427 --> 00:22:09,022 Did you see that woman? I would love to have sex with her. 317 00:22:14,503 --> 00:22:17,700 It was great to be able to be totally honest with Caroline, 318 00:22:17,773 --> 00:22:20,765 and I felt that I was finally having the kind of open and honest relationship 319 00:22:20,842 --> 00:22:23,072 that I'd always dreamed of. 320 00:22:23,712 --> 00:22:26,408 Whoa! Look at those lips. 321 00:22:26,481 --> 00:22:28,745 I would love a blow job from her. 322 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,010 Did you see that? 323 00:22:35,590 --> 00:22:39,686 But after a while, Caroline couldn't take it anymore. 324 00:22:57,179 --> 00:22:59,704 - What's the matter? - What do you think? 325 00:22:59,781 --> 00:23:03,478 I'm sick and tired of you staring at other women all the time! 326 00:23:03,552 --> 00:23:05,679 - It's humiliating! - What do you want me to do? 327 00:23:05,754 --> 00:23:08,552 You want me to hide the fact that I'm attracted to somebody? 328 00:23:08,623 --> 00:23:13,686 How would you like it if you saw me drooling over every guy I was attracted to? Huh? 329 00:23:13,762 --> 00:23:16,697 Well, I'd probably feel a little jealous, but I'd try to transcend it. 330 00:23:17,966 --> 00:23:19,399 I would! 331 00:23:19,468 --> 00:23:21,629 Didn't you say you wanted me to be totally honest? 332 00:23:21,703 --> 00:23:23,671 Well, I've changed my mind! 333 00:23:28,210 --> 00:23:30,974 But my not being able to be totally honest with her 334 00:23:31,046 --> 00:23:33,276 made me feel alienated once again. 335 00:23:33,348 --> 00:23:38,285 And I started obsessing about the various women I would see on the street. 336 00:23:38,353 --> 00:23:39,786 I remember this one time, 337 00:23:39,855 --> 00:23:43,814 I saw a woman on the subway that I was particularly attracted to. 338 00:23:45,861 --> 00:23:49,820 I don't know what I was thinking. but I suddenly started following her. 339 00:23:54,870 --> 00:23:58,829 For some reason, I was dying to reach out and touch her butt. 340 00:24:05,881 --> 00:24:07,815 And I was trying to get up the courage to do this 341 00:24:07,883 --> 00:24:10,852 when her boyfriend suddenly appeared. 342 00:24:14,890 --> 00:24:19,850 But I had been so turned on by her that all I wanted to do was masturbate. 343 00:24:22,898 --> 00:24:25,867 The only place I could find was a confessional. 344 00:24:30,906 --> 00:24:34,034 There was something about masturbating in a confessional 345 00:24:34,109 --> 00:24:36,441 that appealed to my sense of transgression. 346 00:24:36,511 --> 00:24:42,472 And it wasn't long before I had masturbated in every cathedral in Paris. 347 00:24:43,285 --> 00:24:47,278 Meanwhile, Caroline and I had started fighting more and more, 348 00:24:47,355 --> 00:24:50,119 and I had started threatening to have sex with a prostitute 349 00:24:50,192 --> 00:24:52,285 in order to get her to stop fighting with me. 350 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:54,555 I'm going to go have sex with a prostitute! 351 00:24:54,629 --> 00:24:58,656 Fine! Go get your dick sucked by a prostitute! See if I care! 352 00:25:04,673 --> 00:25:06,402 Pssh! 353 00:25:06,475 --> 00:25:10,468 And then one day I somehow managed to convince myself 354 00:25:10,545 --> 00:25:14,845 that I was hurting her more by constantly threatening to have sex with a prostitute 355 00:25:14,916 --> 00:25:16,577 than I would by just doing it 356 00:25:16,651 --> 00:25:18,983 and getting it out of my system once and for all. 357 00:25:40,976 --> 00:25:43,843 I wanted to reach out and touch her butt, 358 00:25:43,912 --> 00:25:46,472 but I felt shy. 359 00:25:46,548 --> 00:25:48,709 I didn't know if that was allowed. 360 00:27:49,070 --> 00:27:50,367 Uh... 361 00:28:02,884 --> 00:28:04,749 Um... 362 00:28:33,715 --> 00:28:35,239 I was certainly tempted, 363 00:28:35,317 --> 00:28:40,687 but I had every intention of resisting having intercourse until she said the words... 364 00:28:43,491 --> 00:28:48,656 For some reason, those words triggered a chemical reaction in my brain. 365 00:28:48,730 --> 00:28:51,164 And it was suddenly as if I had no choice. 366 00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:00,571 I'm not sure why... 367 00:29:01,476 --> 00:29:04,309 ... but the fact that her delivery was so unconvincing 368 00:29:04,379 --> 00:29:06,506 just turned me on even more. 369 00:29:36,344 --> 00:29:38,073 There's something I have to tell you. 370 00:29:38,146 --> 00:29:41,809 I know. You had sex with a prostitute. 371 00:29:46,054 --> 00:29:47,544 How'd you know? 372 00:29:49,924 --> 00:29:51,414 I can tell. 373 00:29:52,594 --> 00:29:54,186 You're not mad at me? 374 00:29:55,363 --> 00:29:57,797 No, I'm not mad at you. 375 00:30:01,636 --> 00:30:03,968 I think it was the right thing to do 376 00:30:04,038 --> 00:30:06,563 because now I've finally gotten it out of my system. 377 00:30:10,812 --> 00:30:12,302 I love you. 378 00:30:12,947 --> 00:30:16,178 I know. Just please, go take a shower. 379 00:30:38,807 --> 00:30:42,243 So, tell me what happened. 380 00:30:45,647 --> 00:30:47,911 I told her the whole story. 381 00:30:47,982 --> 00:30:51,941 But when I got to the part about the intercourse, she got pretty upset. 382 00:30:52,020 --> 00:30:53,647 You had intercourse? 383 00:30:54,789 --> 00:30:56,279 Yeah. 384 00:30:56,357 --> 00:30:58,052 But I used a condom. 385 00:30:58,126 --> 00:31:00,356 You promised you weren't going to! 386 00:31:00,428 --> 00:31:02,396 I know, I'm sorry. 387 00:31:03,932 --> 00:31:07,527 I tried not to, but I couldn't help myself. 388 00:31:10,605 --> 00:31:14,666 She said the words "rape me," and I just got really turned on after that. 389 00:31:15,743 --> 00:31:20,544 Now, I think I should explain that this was especially difficult for Caroline to hear 390 00:31:20,615 --> 00:31:23,482 because she herself had been raped. 391 00:31:25,086 --> 00:31:28,954 I had hoped that being completely honest would bring us closer together, 392 00:31:29,023 --> 00:31:31,457 but I had seriously miscalculated. 393 00:31:37,565 --> 00:31:40,466 I don't want to have sex tonight. 394 00:31:40,535 --> 00:31:42,935 I wasn't suggesting it. 395 00:31:43,004 --> 00:31:45,666 It's not to punish you, you know. 396 00:31:45,740 --> 00:31:46,729 I know. 397 00:31:46,808 --> 00:31:50,335 It's just, I need more time to get over it. 398 00:31:50,411 --> 00:31:52,845 I understand. Take all the time you need. 399 00:31:54,215 --> 00:31:55,375 Thanks. 400 00:32:01,356 --> 00:32:04,018 I was surprised at how little time it took for her to get over it. 401 00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:07,125 It only took three days. 402 00:32:08,763 --> 00:32:13,200 After that, everything seemed pretty much back to normal. 403 00:32:13,268 --> 00:32:17,432 Except for one thing... Caroline started having fainting spells. 404 00:32:19,340 --> 00:32:21,331 Caroline! Caroline! What's the matter? 405 00:32:21,409 --> 00:32:24,742 I don't know. I don't feel well. 406 00:32:24,812 --> 00:32:29,010 We went to see several doctors to try to figure out what was wrong with her, 407 00:32:29,083 --> 00:32:31,574 but none of them could ever find anything. 408 00:32:31,653 --> 00:32:33,280 She's perfectly fine. 409 00:32:37,926 --> 00:32:42,090 You know, it's been over two months since we've had sex. 410 00:32:44,566 --> 00:32:47,364 If you want me to suck you, I'll suck you. 411 00:32:47,435 --> 00:32:49,164 That's not why I'm saying it. 412 00:32:49,237 --> 00:32:51,899 I'm saying it because I think maybe you're mad at me. 413 00:32:52,974 --> 00:32:57,502 I'm not mad at you. I just haven't been feeling well. 414 00:32:59,047 --> 00:33:00,241 Okay. 415 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:09,055 Are you sure you don't want me to give you oral sex? 416 00:33:09,123 --> 00:33:12,388 Caveh, I really don't feel well. 417 00:33:12,460 --> 00:33:13,654 Okay. 418 00:33:19,901 --> 00:33:22,301 This went on for a whole year, 419 00:33:22,370 --> 00:33:26,136 during which my desire to have sex with a prostitute gradually returned. 420 00:33:47,161 --> 00:33:49,322 I tried to escape my marital unhappiness 421 00:33:49,397 --> 00:33:51,297 by throwing myself into my work... 422 00:33:51,366 --> 00:33:52,526 Higher! 423 00:33:54,002 --> 00:33:55,230 I said higher! 424 00:33:55,303 --> 00:33:58,067 ... but I was unable to raise money for any of my film projects. 425 00:33:58,139 --> 00:33:59,299 Higher! 426 00:34:01,709 --> 00:34:05,110 What's the matter with you? Can't you jump higher than that? 427 00:34:10,418 --> 00:34:14,411 Out of desperation, I had applied to film school back in the States. 428 00:34:23,031 --> 00:34:25,499 Soon after we moved to Los Angeles, 429 00:34:25,566 --> 00:34:29,229 Caroline confessed to me that she had fallen in love with my friend Gary... 430 00:34:30,271 --> 00:34:32,796 ... and then she fell in love with my friend Keith... 431 00:34:33,808 --> 00:34:37,141 ... and then she fell in love with my friend Teddy. 432 00:34:37,211 --> 00:34:40,408 A week later she and Teddy moved in together, 433 00:34:40,481 --> 00:34:42,881 and a year later they were married. 434 00:34:44,218 --> 00:34:46,379 This is the real Caroline. 435 00:34:46,454 --> 00:34:49,685 I asked her to play herself in the movie, but she declined. 436 00:34:51,426 --> 00:34:53,826 I tried to stay in touch over the years, 437 00:34:53,895 --> 00:34:57,854 but after a while Caroline stopped returning my calls. 438 00:35:00,334 --> 00:35:04,168 I realize I haven't made it seem like I was in love with Caroline, 439 00:35:04,238 --> 00:35:07,173 but the truth is I really was, 440 00:35:07,241 --> 00:35:10,267 as much as I was capable of loving anyone. 441 00:35:10,344 --> 00:35:13,245 I mean, I was only 26 at the time. 442 00:35:17,318 --> 00:35:22,187 After the break-up, all I could think about was finding someone to have sex with. 443 00:35:36,204 --> 00:35:38,263 Hi, can I get in? 444 00:35:38,339 --> 00:35:39,636 How much? 445 00:35:39,707 --> 00:35:41,766 How much do you want to spend? 446 00:35:43,745 --> 00:35:44,905 Thirty? 447 00:35:44,979 --> 00:35:46,742 Okay. Can I get in? 448 00:35:46,814 --> 00:35:48,304 Okay. 449 00:35:54,088 --> 00:35:57,148 - Hi, my name's Candy. - Hi, I'm Bob. 450 00:35:57,225 --> 00:35:59,955 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too. 451 00:36:16,944 --> 00:36:20,812 - Where are we going? - Pull over right here. 452 00:36:36,164 --> 00:36:37,654 Can I have the money now? 453 00:36:37,732 --> 00:36:39,962 Oh, sure. 454 00:36:41,803 --> 00:36:43,498 Um... 455 00:36:43,571 --> 00:36:45,129 Do you have any change? 456 00:36:45,206 --> 00:36:48,334 No, but If you give me 40, I'll make it extra good. 457 00:36:48,910 --> 00:36:50,207 Um... 458 00:36:51,813 --> 00:36:53,075 Okay. 459 00:36:56,951 --> 00:36:58,316 Look out for cops, okay? 460 00:37:16,170 --> 00:37:17,728 Bye. 461 00:37:28,416 --> 00:37:31,146 Afterwards, I felt euphoric. 462 00:37:33,087 --> 00:37:34,782 But by the time I got home, 463 00:37:34,856 --> 00:37:37,689 I felt empty and depressed. 464 00:37:38,492 --> 00:37:42,189 And I vowed never to have sex with a prostitute again. 465 00:37:44,832 --> 00:37:46,265 But then a few days later, 466 00:37:46,334 --> 00:37:50,236 I found myself unable to stop obsessing about that same prostitute. 467 00:38:07,121 --> 00:38:08,383 Wanna date? 468 00:38:08,456 --> 00:38:09,753 It was becoming a pattern. 469 00:38:09,824 --> 00:38:12,816 Every time I would have sex with a prostitute, 470 00:38:12,894 --> 00:38:15,863 I would feel empty and depressed afterwards, 471 00:38:15,930 --> 00:38:18,330 and I would vow never to do it again. 472 00:38:18,399 --> 00:38:22,358 And yet I honestly believed that if I just did it enough times, 473 00:38:22,436 --> 00:38:25,803 my desire to have sex with a prostitute would eventually go away. 474 00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:54,665 And then I met Christa. 475 00:38:54,735 --> 00:38:57,363 I was walking down the hallway at film school 476 00:38:57,438 --> 00:38:59,770 when I saw her for the first time. 477 00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:01,501 Hi. 478 00:39:03,144 --> 00:39:06,739 It was unusual for a woman I had never met to say hi to me. 479 00:39:07,615 --> 00:39:11,278 Because she did, I assumed she wanted to have sex. 480 00:39:16,724 --> 00:39:19,716 And then a few days later, I saw her again. 481 00:39:28,469 --> 00:39:29,902 Excuse me. 482 00:39:31,305 --> 00:39:33,569 Do you know how to open these? 483 00:39:33,641 --> 00:39:35,233 I can't figure it out. 484 00:39:35,810 --> 00:39:37,437 I can try. 485 00:39:41,549 --> 00:39:42,709 Here you go. 486 00:39:42,783 --> 00:39:45,013 It just twists off, huh? 487 00:39:48,322 --> 00:39:49,755 You like Capra? 488 00:39:49,824 --> 00:39:51,587 I love Capra. 489 00:39:52,727 --> 00:39:55,525 - Hi, my name's Caveh. - Hi, I'm Christa. 490 00:39:55,596 --> 00:39:57,723 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 491 00:39:59,500 --> 00:40:03,630 So anyway, she invited me to a party she was giving that Friday night... 492 00:40:05,439 --> 00:40:07,907 ... and I went, hoping to have sex with her. 493 00:40:11,045 --> 00:40:13,275 - Is Christa here? - Yeah, come on in. 494 00:40:20,354 --> 00:40:23,016 I failed to get her to have sex with me. 495 00:40:24,458 --> 00:40:27,052 But I did get her to lend me a copy of her screenplay. 496 00:40:28,095 --> 00:40:30,120 It was one of the best screenplays I'd ever read. 497 00:40:38,239 --> 00:40:41,504 And I felt that I had finally found someone that I could relate to. 498 00:40:43,077 --> 00:40:46,012 I called her immediately and asked her out. 499 00:40:56,857 --> 00:40:58,484 It was then that it happened, 500 00:40:59,593 --> 00:41:03,051 I looked into her eyes and I saw her soul. 501 00:41:04,665 --> 00:41:08,567 Until then, she had just been someone that I wanted something from. 502 00:41:09,737 --> 00:41:13,571 But at that moment I suddenly saw that she was a real human being, 503 00:41:13,641 --> 00:41:16,542 with needs and feelings of her own. 504 00:41:17,978 --> 00:41:19,468 It scared the shit out of me. 505 00:41:29,857 --> 00:41:35,090 And then one night we were watching Vivre Sa Vie by Jean-Luc Godard, 506 00:41:35,162 --> 00:41:37,926 about a woman who becomes a prostitute. 507 00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:41,334 You know what I heard? 508 00:41:42,103 --> 00:41:43,161 What? 509 00:41:43,237 --> 00:41:46,638 I heard that Godard has a prostitute fetish in real life. 510 00:41:46,707 --> 00:41:48,538 Can you believe that? 511 00:41:49,076 --> 00:41:50,509 Yeah. 512 00:41:52,346 --> 00:41:56,476 I can't. He seems so sensitive to women. 513 00:41:56,550 --> 00:41:58,040 Well, that doesn't mean anything. 514 00:41:58,119 --> 00:42:03,079 I mean, I'm sensitive to women, and I have a prostitute fetish. 515 00:42:04,859 --> 00:42:06,656 You're kidding, right? 516 00:42:06,727 --> 00:42:08,422 No, I'm serious. 517 00:42:10,197 --> 00:42:11,721 I can't believe that. 518 00:42:11,799 --> 00:42:14,427 Well, it's true. 519 00:42:14,502 --> 00:42:18,461 Caveh, how is that possible? I mean, how can you justify that to yourself? 520 00:42:18,539 --> 00:42:21,030 Well, I agree it's not super spiritual or anything, 521 00:42:21,108 --> 00:42:24,043 but I don't think it's so terrible either. 522 00:42:24,111 --> 00:42:28,070 Caveh, it's like rape! Those women have no choice. 523 00:42:28,149 --> 00:42:30,982 Everybody has a choice. Or else nobody does. 524 00:42:31,051 --> 00:42:32,814 I can't believe you're saying this. 525 00:42:32,887 --> 00:42:34,616 Well, it's true. 526 00:42:36,957 --> 00:42:38,254 What are you doing? 527 00:42:38,325 --> 00:42:41,624 I'm sorry. I have to leave. I feel like I'm going to be sick. 528 00:42:41,695 --> 00:42:44,357 Why, because I've had sex with prostitutes? 529 00:42:44,431 --> 00:42:46,058 Caveh, you don't understand. 530 00:42:46,133 --> 00:42:49,967 I literally feel like I'm going to throw up. I have to go. 531 00:42:52,039 --> 00:42:53,472 Christa! 532 00:43:00,915 --> 00:43:03,281 A few days later, I saw her again. 533 00:43:03,350 --> 00:43:04,840 Hi. 534 00:43:05,019 --> 00:43:06,179 Hi. 535 00:43:12,126 --> 00:43:14,526 - Still feeling nauseous? - No. 536 00:43:15,362 --> 00:43:17,455 Sure you don't mind being seen with me? 537 00:43:17,531 --> 00:43:19,226 Stop it. 538 00:43:19,300 --> 00:43:22,895 I'm sorry. I just felt like you thought I was disgusting. 539 00:43:22,970 --> 00:43:24,938 I don't think that. 540 00:43:26,106 --> 00:43:28,506 It's not like I'm still doing it. 541 00:43:28,576 --> 00:43:30,669 I know. I'm sorry. 542 00:43:31,412 --> 00:43:33,573 I don't want to have to hide anything from you. 543 00:43:33,647 --> 00:43:36,172 - Don't you want me to be honest? - I do. 544 00:43:37,751 --> 00:43:39,582 Caveh, let's make up. 545 00:43:49,463 --> 00:43:52,193 A few weeks later it was my birthday. 546 00:43:53,367 --> 00:43:56,768 And I convinced Christa to take Ecstasy with me to celebrate. 547 00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,668 - Okay. - Thank you. 548 00:44:05,546 --> 00:44:09,482 That night, we felt closer to each other than ever before. 549 00:44:09,550 --> 00:44:14,112 But Ecstasy isn't just a love drug. It's also a truth serum. 550 00:44:14,188 --> 00:44:16,088 I love you so much. 551 00:44:16,156 --> 00:44:17,714 I love you, too. 552 00:44:17,791 --> 00:44:19,759 - You do? - I do. 553 00:44:22,930 --> 00:44:25,694 I don't want there to be any secrets between us. 554 00:44:27,401 --> 00:44:28,891 Caveh, I don't. 555 00:44:31,071 --> 00:44:32,561 I don't either. 556 00:44:33,007 --> 00:44:35,669 - Can I ask you something? - Yeah. 557 00:44:35,743 --> 00:44:37,734 - You'll tell me the truth? - Yeah. 558 00:44:38,779 --> 00:44:43,216 There isn't anything that you've never told me before, is there? 559 00:44:44,518 --> 00:44:46,213 I can take it. 560 00:44:46,287 --> 00:44:48,755 - Yeah, there's one thing. - What? 561 00:44:48,822 --> 00:44:51,882 I've been wanting to tell you but I've been scared. 562 00:44:51,959 --> 00:44:55,861 - Caveh, you can tell me anything. - Okay. Okay. 563 00:44:57,398 --> 00:45:00,799 - Sometimes when we're having sex... - Yeah? 564 00:45:00,868 --> 00:45:03,098 ...I fantasize about other women. 565 00:45:07,308 --> 00:45:09,742 Christa was devastated by my confession 566 00:45:09,810 --> 00:45:12,711 and became hyper-sensitive about other women. 567 00:45:14,782 --> 00:45:17,546 She would notice them even before I would 568 00:45:17,618 --> 00:45:21,679 and immediately scrutinize my face for any sign of interest. 569 00:45:21,755 --> 00:45:25,350 It was unnerving after a while. So I tried to be upfront about it. 570 00:45:25,426 --> 00:45:26,950 She's pretty sexy. 571 00:45:27,027 --> 00:45:29,689 She's more your type than I am, isn't she? 572 00:45:29,763 --> 00:45:31,526 What are you talking about? 573 00:45:37,171 --> 00:45:40,766 And then one day I was on my way to meet Christa for lunch 574 00:45:40,841 --> 00:45:43,207 when I decided to stop and get some gas. 575 00:45:51,085 --> 00:45:53,815 There was something about the way the woman was bending over 576 00:45:53,887 --> 00:45:55,582 that turned me on. 577 00:46:06,033 --> 00:46:08,024 - Hi. I'm really sorry I'm late. - Caveh, I've been waiting. 578 00:46:08,102 --> 00:46:10,935 I know, I'm sorry. I had a little masturbatory episode. 579 00:46:11,004 --> 00:46:12,232 What? 580 00:46:13,874 --> 00:46:15,967 I had to stop for gas, and... 581 00:46:16,043 --> 00:46:18,511 Did you just say "a little masturbatory episode"? 582 00:46:18,579 --> 00:46:20,171 Yeah. I had to stop for gas, 583 00:46:20,247 --> 00:46:23,683 and there was this woman who was kind of bending over to put gas in her car, 584 00:46:23,751 --> 00:46:26,015 and she was really sexy, 585 00:46:26,086 --> 00:46:31,183 and I just got really turned on at the way she was bending over, 586 00:46:31,258 --> 00:46:36,321 and I stopped at my apartment so I could, you know, masturbate. 587 00:46:36,397 --> 00:46:39,195 But it was really no big deal. I just thought I should tell you. 588 00:46:39,266 --> 00:46:40,426 I just... 589 00:46:47,474 --> 00:46:49,271 - I just don't want to talk about it. - What about truth? 590 00:46:49,343 --> 00:46:52,574 - I don't want you to tell me every single day. - Don't you want to know the truth? 591 00:46:52,646 --> 00:46:54,841 I already know these things are happening, Caveh. 592 00:46:54,915 --> 00:46:57,475 I know you. I know you. I understand you. 593 00:46:57,551 --> 00:47:00,042 And believe me, it will be much better with us. 594 00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:01,519 Don't tell me. 595 00:47:02,689 --> 00:47:05,522 - I don't want to know. - Okay, fine. 596 00:47:05,592 --> 00:47:07,082 Don't tell me. 597 00:47:09,062 --> 00:47:13,761 And then one night I happened to watch a news program on massage parlors. 598 00:47:13,834 --> 00:47:17,292 Vice investigators say they've recently found seven brothels 599 00:47:17,371 --> 00:47:19,396 masquerading as massage parlors. 600 00:47:19,473 --> 00:47:22,909 Police say these busts are just the tip of the iceberg 601 00:47:22,976 --> 00:47:27,242 and that many massage parlors are actually fronts for prostitution. 602 00:47:27,314 --> 00:47:30,681 This is Maya Ellington reporting for Channel 3 News. 603 00:47:44,231 --> 00:47:45,528 Want a massage? 604 00:47:45,599 --> 00:47:46,623 Um... 605 00:47:46,700 --> 00:47:48,827 Yeah. Um... 606 00:47:48,902 --> 00:47:50,699 How much? 607 00:47:50,771 --> 00:47:53,501 Forty dollars for half-hour. 608 00:47:53,574 --> 00:47:55,041 Um... 609 00:47:55,108 --> 00:47:57,167 Does that include everything? 610 00:47:57,244 --> 00:47:59,644 That includes a half-hour. 611 00:47:59,713 --> 00:48:01,203 Um... 612 00:48:01,281 --> 00:48:04,341 - Who gives the massages? - Different girls. 613 00:48:04,418 --> 00:48:06,978 - Are you one of them? - No. 614 00:48:07,054 --> 00:48:08,419 Um... 615 00:48:08,489 --> 00:48:10,286 Can I see what they look like? 616 00:48:10,357 --> 00:48:12,791 No. You have to pay first. 617 00:48:15,496 --> 00:48:17,623 Get out of here! Get out of here! 618 00:48:17,698 --> 00:48:19,188 - I'm sorry. - Get out of here! 619 00:48:19,266 --> 00:48:20,255 I'm sorry. 620 00:48:20,334 --> 00:48:22,302 You get out of here! 621 00:48:22,369 --> 00:48:23,893 Get out of here! 622 00:48:26,273 --> 00:48:29,174 I visited every massage parlor in L.A. 623 00:48:32,513 --> 00:48:34,447 At first, it turned me on 624 00:48:34,515 --> 00:48:38,110 just to grab the receptionists' breasts and get thrown out. 625 00:48:39,052 --> 00:48:42,920 But after a while, even this was no longer exciting enough. 626 00:48:45,225 --> 00:48:48,786 And then one day I had an idea. 627 00:48:57,237 --> 00:49:01,435 I think maybe the reason I haven't been able to get over my prostitute fetish 628 00:49:01,508 --> 00:49:04,739 is because I've never really gone all the way with one. 629 00:49:04,811 --> 00:49:06,176 What do you mean? 630 00:49:06,246 --> 00:49:08,680 Greg was my best friend at the time. 631 00:49:08,749 --> 00:49:13,846 We had met at UCLA and had made a few student films together. 632 00:49:13,921 --> 00:49:18,255 I mean, I've never really treated one the way I do in my fantasies. 633 00:49:18,325 --> 00:49:19,758 Which is how? 634 00:49:19,826 --> 00:49:21,794 Which is pretty violent. 635 00:49:21,862 --> 00:49:25,559 Like in my fantasies I'll grab whoever it is by the hair 636 00:49:25,632 --> 00:49:29,591 and I'll make her say things like "I wanna suck your dick" and stuff, 637 00:49:29,670 --> 00:49:32,571 and maybe call her a bitch or a slut, 638 00:49:32,639 --> 00:49:36,575 and then start fucking her really hard in the mouth and make her gag and stuff. 639 00:49:36,643 --> 00:49:37,905 Interesting. 640 00:49:37,978 --> 00:49:40,538 But in real life, I've never done that. 641 00:49:40,614 --> 00:49:42,445 Why not? 642 00:49:42,516 --> 00:49:45,451 Because I want them to like me. 643 00:49:45,519 --> 00:49:47,214 I see. 644 00:49:47,287 --> 00:49:51,417 So what I'm thinking is that maybe if I went to a prostitute one last time 645 00:49:51,491 --> 00:49:55,086 and just did everything I always fantasize about doing, 646 00:49:55,162 --> 00:50:00,031 then I think maybe I could get it out of my system once and for all. 647 00:50:00,100 --> 00:50:02,933 Will they let you do those things? 648 00:50:03,003 --> 00:50:04,197 Um... 649 00:50:04,271 --> 00:50:06,205 I assume. 650 00:50:07,674 --> 00:50:09,665 Sounds like it's worth a try. 651 00:50:11,945 --> 00:50:13,435 It is, right? 652 00:50:13,513 --> 00:50:15,913 Yeah, give it a try. 653 00:50:15,983 --> 00:50:19,043 But I couldn't do it behind Christa's back. 654 00:50:19,119 --> 00:50:22,316 I mean, I had to tell her, right? 655 00:50:23,457 --> 00:50:24,856 Are you serious? 656 00:50:24,925 --> 00:50:27,621 Christa, I can't keep repressing my lust. It's not healthy. 657 00:50:27,694 --> 00:50:29,685 What do you want me to do? Say okay? 658 00:50:29,763 --> 00:50:31,287 - Yeah. - Well, it's not okay. 659 00:50:31,365 --> 00:50:34,232 If you have sex with a prostitute, it's over between us! 660 00:50:34,301 --> 00:50:37,498 Christa, please, try to understand. It's just something that I have to do. 661 00:50:37,571 --> 00:50:40,301 I can't believe you'd be willing to sacrifice our relationship 662 00:50:40,374 --> 00:50:42,934 just in order to fulfill some sick fantasy! 663 00:50:43,010 --> 00:50:45,001 I have no intention of sacrificing our relationship. 664 00:50:45,078 --> 00:50:47,069 I'd be doing this to strengthen our relationship. 665 00:50:50,183 --> 00:50:52,947 Christa, how is this constructive? 666 00:50:55,255 --> 00:50:58,588 The last thing I wanted was to lose Christa, 667 00:50:58,659 --> 00:51:01,389 so I decided to get professional help. 668 00:51:01,461 --> 00:51:06,865 My mother had like a phobia about changing my diapers. 669 00:51:06,933 --> 00:51:12,872 So she had like this aversion to, you know, diapers. 670 00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:16,204 Any recent dreams you can remember? 671 00:51:16,276 --> 00:51:18,210 Um... 672 00:51:18,278 --> 00:51:23,614 I had this dream where I was sitting on the toilet, 673 00:51:23,684 --> 00:51:26,812 and then I was getting smaller and smaller, 674 00:51:26,887 --> 00:51:28,650 and then I fell in. 675 00:51:32,526 --> 00:51:34,255 I need you, Mommy! 676 00:51:34,327 --> 00:51:36,818 - Louder. - I need you, Mommy! 677 00:51:36,897 --> 00:51:39,195 - Harder. - I need you, Mommy! 678 00:51:39,266 --> 00:51:41,166 - That's it. - I need you, Mommy! 679 00:51:41,334 --> 00:51:43,529 - That's it. - I need you, Mommy! 680 00:51:43,603 --> 00:51:46,766 - Louder! - I need you, Mommy! 681 00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:49,172 But none of it seemed to help. 682 00:51:50,510 --> 00:51:54,071 Finally, after weeks of struggling to resist, 683 00:51:54,147 --> 00:51:57,275 I decided to do what I had been struggling for weeks not to do, 684 00:51:57,350 --> 00:51:59,875 even if it meant losing Christa. 685 00:52:09,162 --> 00:52:10,493 Take off clothes. 686 00:52:11,565 --> 00:52:12,930 Suck me. 687 00:52:12,999 --> 00:52:14,990 You give me money? 688 00:52:15,068 --> 00:52:16,296 Oh, yeah. 689 00:52:17,204 --> 00:52:19,764 Um, twenty now, 690 00:52:19,840 --> 00:52:22,570 and twenty later if you do everything I say. 691 00:52:25,846 --> 00:52:27,746 No, standing up. 692 00:52:32,652 --> 00:52:34,313 Yeah. 693 00:52:37,724 --> 00:52:39,521 Yeah. 694 00:52:39,593 --> 00:52:41,891 Oh, wait. First say, "I wanna suck your dick." 695 00:52:41,962 --> 00:52:45,762 No, wait. First say, "I wanna suck your dick." 696 00:52:46,933 --> 00:52:50,198 No understand very good English. 697 00:52:51,605 --> 00:52:56,770 Say, "I want to suck your dick." 698 00:52:58,612 --> 00:53:00,375 No understand. 699 00:53:01,882 --> 00:53:04,180 Say "I"... 700 00:53:04,251 --> 00:53:08,381 No, wait. Say "I"..."I"... 701 00:53:08,455 --> 00:53:12,084 Say "I." "I"..."I"... 702 00:53:12,159 --> 00:53:13,820 "I." Say "I." 703 00:53:13,994 --> 00:53:16,895 "I." Say "I." 704 00:53:16,963 --> 00:53:22,868 The fact that she had no idea what I was saying took a lot of the thrill out of it. 705 00:53:22,936 --> 00:53:26,099 Okay, fine, just suck it. 706 00:53:31,645 --> 00:53:34,307 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 707 00:53:34,381 --> 00:53:38,374 Suck it. Yeah, suck it, you bitch. 708 00:53:38,451 --> 00:53:41,249 Yeah, suck it, slut. 709 00:53:41,321 --> 00:53:42,652 Yeah. 710 00:53:45,892 --> 00:53:49,328 Oh, yeah, you love it, don't you? You little slut. 711 00:53:53,366 --> 00:53:55,425 Hold on, hold on. 712 00:53:55,502 --> 00:53:56,526 Um... 713 00:53:56,603 --> 00:53:58,366 Stand over here. 714 00:53:58,438 --> 00:54:01,373 Get over here. Yeah. 715 00:54:20,227 --> 00:54:24,288 Afterwards, the most amazing thing happened. 716 00:54:24,364 --> 00:54:27,527 She patted me affectionately on the butt and said... 717 00:54:27,601 --> 00:54:28,966 Come again. 718 00:54:34,274 --> 00:54:38,574 I had gone there to express that pat of myself which I was most ashamed of, 719 00:54:38,645 --> 00:54:43,139 and yet she had smiled at me afterwards with acceptance and compassion. 720 00:54:43,216 --> 00:54:46,549 I felt that I had just had a mystical experience 721 00:54:46,620 --> 00:54:49,282 and that something inside me had finally changed. 722 00:54:51,391 --> 00:54:53,621 That night I went over to Christa's 723 00:54:53,693 --> 00:54:56,457 to tell her that I was ready to be in a committed relationship. 724 00:54:56,997 --> 00:54:59,830 - What do you want? - I want to get back together. 725 00:55:02,435 --> 00:55:05,302 Christa was understandably skeptical about my transformation... 726 00:55:10,377 --> 00:55:14,837 ... but I eventually managed to convince her that I was finally cured. 727 00:55:17,183 --> 00:55:19,515 Now at this point in the film, 728 00:55:19,586 --> 00:55:23,283 there's supposed to be a scene in which Christa is giving me a blow job. 729 00:55:23,356 --> 00:55:25,722 Not a real blow job, a fake blow job. 730 00:55:25,792 --> 00:55:30,229 But the actress playing Christa has refused to do the scene. 731 00:55:31,197 --> 00:55:36,362 Do you feel like it's domineering or something to women? 732 00:55:36,436 --> 00:55:42,306 No, it's just something that I'm not comfortable with doing on screen. 733 00:55:42,375 --> 00:55:43,967 Could you please do it anyway? 734 00:55:44,044 --> 00:55:45,204 No. 735 00:55:45,278 --> 00:55:48,805 So if you could just imagine that she's giving me a blow job, 736 00:55:48,882 --> 00:55:51,851 and if you could also imagine the following voice-over... 737 00:55:53,653 --> 00:55:56,850 And sex suddenly became very different. 738 00:55:56,923 --> 00:55:59,892 Instead of fantasizing that Christa was a stranger, 739 00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:03,987 I tried to just be present to what was happening. 740 00:56:04,064 --> 00:56:06,123 And it was overwhelming. 741 00:56:06,199 --> 00:56:09,032 I felt almost too loved. 742 00:56:09,102 --> 00:56:13,095 I couldn't believe that another human being could love me enough 743 00:56:13,173 --> 00:56:15,334 to actually want to take my penis, 744 00:56:15,408 --> 00:56:18,536 which I had always considered ugly and dirty, 745 00:56:18,611 --> 00:56:20,340 into her mouth, 746 00:56:20,413 --> 00:56:23,177 or would be willing to swallow my semen. 747 00:56:29,956 --> 00:56:31,583 - Hey, sweetie. Hi. 748 00:56:31,658 --> 00:56:35,116 I missed you. How's it going? 749 00:56:35,195 --> 00:56:36,719 All right. 750 00:56:36,796 --> 00:56:38,286 Why, what's the matter? 751 00:56:41,468 --> 00:56:44,562 There's something I have to tell you. 752 00:56:45,338 --> 00:56:46,498 What? 753 00:56:48,875 --> 00:56:52,402 Remember I told you I was going to see a movie with Robby tonight? 754 00:56:52,479 --> 00:56:53,810 Yeah. 755 00:56:56,549 --> 00:56:57,846 Well... 756 00:56:59,853 --> 00:57:01,480 Afterwards... 757 00:57:03,823 --> 00:57:07,350 I couldn't help myself, and we started making out. 758 00:57:07,894 --> 00:57:10,454 What do you mean you couldn't help yourself? 759 00:57:10,530 --> 00:57:13,829 I don't know. It just happened. I wasn't planning it or anything. 760 00:57:15,635 --> 00:57:17,660 What do you mean by "making out"? 761 00:57:18,772 --> 00:57:20,899 We just like kissed and stuff. 762 00:57:22,308 --> 00:57:24,299 What do you mean "and stuff"? 763 00:57:25,812 --> 00:57:28,337 We just fooled around a little. 764 00:57:31,117 --> 00:57:32,675 And then what happened? 765 00:57:34,154 --> 00:57:36,952 I'm supposed to see him tomorrow night for dinner. 766 00:57:37,023 --> 00:57:40,823 But I'm going to tell him I made a mistake and I can't keep seeing him in that way. 767 00:57:42,762 --> 00:57:45,128 Caveh, I'm sorry. 768 00:57:50,970 --> 00:57:55,998 I felt incredibly jealous, but I tried my best to transcend my feelings. 769 00:57:58,078 --> 00:58:01,570 I can't do this. I feel like I'm kissing Robby. 770 00:58:01,648 --> 00:58:04,344 I feel I can taste his saliva in your mouth. 771 00:58:05,518 --> 00:58:08,681 Well, how do you think I feel when you have sex with a prostitute? 772 00:58:12,625 --> 00:58:14,252 I could see her point, 773 00:58:14,327 --> 00:58:17,728 and I knew that I had no right to be jealous after everything that I had put her through. 774 00:58:17,797 --> 00:58:20,322 But I just couldn't help myself. 775 00:58:21,901 --> 00:58:24,096 That night, I called Robby at 3:00 in the morning 776 00:58:24,170 --> 00:58:28,163 and I asked him as a personal favor to me to please stop making out with Christa. 777 00:58:28,241 --> 00:58:30,436 And he agreed. 778 00:58:30,510 --> 00:58:33,206 Thanks, Robby. I really appreciate it. 779 00:58:33,780 --> 00:58:37,409 But he lied. They made out again the next night. 780 00:58:37,484 --> 00:58:41,011 - You promised you wouldn't. - I know. I'm sorry. 781 00:58:41,087 --> 00:58:43,180 What were you thinking, Christa? 782 00:58:43,256 --> 00:58:45,986 I don't know. I just couldn't help myself. 783 00:58:47,594 --> 00:58:50,188 She was starting to sound like me. 784 00:58:50,263 --> 00:58:53,096 Christa continued to spend time with Robby, 785 00:58:53,166 --> 00:58:55,157 and I just got more and more jealous, 786 00:58:55,235 --> 00:58:57,032 more and more needy, 787 00:58:57,103 --> 00:58:59,128 and more and more insecure. 788 00:59:00,406 --> 00:59:03,398 So we started going to couples therapy. 789 00:59:03,476 --> 00:59:06,741 So, Caveh, what are you thinking right now? 790 00:59:13,219 --> 00:59:16,188 I was thinking that I'm attracted to you. 791 00:59:20,527 --> 00:59:23,928 Meanwhile, our fighting started to escalate out of control. 792 00:59:26,866 --> 00:59:31,963 And before I knew it, my desire to have sex with a prostitute had returned. 793 00:59:38,278 --> 00:59:40,473 - How much? - What do you want? 794 00:59:40,547 --> 00:59:43,710 - How much for a blow job? - 50 bucks. 795 00:59:43,783 --> 00:59:45,444 Let me think about it. 796 00:59:53,092 --> 00:59:57,324 After that night, I started cruising regularly, 797 00:59:57,397 --> 00:59:59,228 sometimes until dawn. 798 01:00:02,202 --> 01:00:03,669 And then I met Devin. 799 01:00:03,736 --> 01:00:05,704 Austin, Texas 800 01:00:05,772 --> 01:00:07,205 Fuck. 801 01:00:07,273 --> 01:00:09,969 I had been invited by the Austin Film Society 802 01:00:10,043 --> 01:00:12,443 to show a film that Greg and I had co-directed. 803 01:00:13,746 --> 01:00:15,714 Devin was one of the organizers. 804 01:00:15,782 --> 01:00:16,771 Hey. 805 01:00:18,051 --> 01:00:21,350 That night we ended up getting stoned together, 806 01:00:21,421 --> 01:00:24,447 and I found myself suddenly feeling very attracted to her. 807 01:00:31,531 --> 01:00:35,991 And then on my last day in Austin, we decided to take mushrooms together. 808 01:00:57,924 --> 01:01:01,826 Tripping with Devin was one of the most mystical experiences of my life. 809 01:01:04,464 --> 01:01:06,864 I felt like we understood each other in a way 810 01:01:06,933 --> 01:01:09,060 that I had never thought possible between two people. 811 01:01:24,484 --> 01:01:29,148 After we came down, I told her the whole story of my relationship with Christa. 812 01:01:29,222 --> 01:01:32,089 You know, I bet she's probably fucking Robby right now. 813 01:01:32,158 --> 01:01:34,922 - Caveh, you're crazy. - Why am I crazy? 814 01:01:34,994 --> 01:01:39,055 Because you should be happy for her. You should hope she's having a good fuck. 815 01:01:39,899 --> 01:01:42,629 You know, you're right. I should. 816 01:01:42,702 --> 01:01:45,068 You know, I don't even believe in monogamy. 817 01:01:45,138 --> 01:01:47,936 Fuck, man, neither do I. 818 01:01:49,742 --> 01:01:52,267 It seemed to me that I had finally found the soul mate 819 01:01:52,345 --> 01:01:54,609 that I had been searching for all my life. 820 01:01:54,681 --> 01:01:56,774 Ow! What are you doing? 821 01:01:56,849 --> 01:01:59,579 You see, there's this person here, his name is Caveh. 822 01:01:59,652 --> 01:02:02,120 He's real. He exists. 823 01:02:03,056 --> 01:02:05,957 - You mean me? - Yeah, I mean you. 824 01:02:06,025 --> 01:02:11,156 Look, as noble as it is to try to sacrifice yourself and your needs for her, 825 01:02:11,230 --> 01:02:14,529 you have to be true to yourself because you're real, too. 826 01:02:15,068 --> 01:02:18,094 But the problem is I can't stand to hurt her. 827 01:02:18,671 --> 01:02:22,437 You're hurting her more by prolonging a relationship that isn't working 828 01:02:22,508 --> 01:02:24,635 than by ending it right now. 829 01:02:24,711 --> 01:02:27,544 Yeah, but I'm also scared. 830 01:02:27,613 --> 01:02:32,073 I'm afraid of being lonely and horny 831 01:02:32,151 --> 01:02:35,917 and desperate and always on the prowl. 832 01:02:35,988 --> 01:02:37,250 I hate that. 833 01:02:37,824 --> 01:02:41,123 Those don't sound like very good reasons for staying together. 834 01:02:41,194 --> 01:02:43,424 You're right. 835 01:02:47,166 --> 01:02:49,191 I agreed with everything she said, 836 01:02:49,268 --> 01:02:52,465 but I wondered whether Devin would be able to accept my prostitute fetish 837 01:02:52,538 --> 01:02:54,335 any better than Christa. 838 01:02:55,508 --> 01:02:59,000 But Christa's really been trying. I mean, I'm fucked up, too. 839 01:02:59,078 --> 01:03:04,243 Like, for example, I have this prostitute fetish. 840 01:03:04,317 --> 01:03:09,118 Big fucking deal. Everybody's got stuff like that. 841 01:03:09,188 --> 01:03:11,156 When Devin said those words, 842 01:03:11,224 --> 01:03:16,287 it suddenly struck me that it wasn't my prostitute fetish that was the problem. 843 01:03:16,362 --> 01:03:18,523 It was Christa that was the problem. 844 01:03:33,079 --> 01:03:34,842 On the way back to L.A., 845 01:03:34,914 --> 01:03:37,849 I made up my mind to break up with Christa. 846 01:03:39,852 --> 01:03:42,878 We had been together for 3๏ฟฝ years. 847 01:03:44,090 --> 01:03:46,456 This is the real Christa. 848 01:03:46,526 --> 01:03:50,462 For the first few years after our break-up we weren't on the best of terms. 849 01:03:51,264 --> 01:03:53,858 But now things are better between us. 850 01:03:53,933 --> 01:03:57,334 She's since gotten married and recently had a baby. 851 01:04:05,211 --> 01:04:08,510 After the break-up, I couldn't stop thinking about Devin. 852 01:04:10,483 --> 01:04:13,452 For the next month, I wrote to her every day. 853 01:04:15,188 --> 01:04:18,680 And when I received an invitation from two European film festivals, 854 01:04:18,758 --> 01:04:20,885 I invited Devin to come along. 855 01:04:26,132 --> 01:04:29,329 Our first few days together were idyllic. 856 01:04:32,071 --> 01:04:34,403 But then things got more complicated. 857 01:04:42,815 --> 01:04:44,442 I think she likes you. 858 01:04:44,517 --> 01:04:47,111 You think? Definitely. 859 01:04:47,186 --> 01:04:50,747 I don't know. She's not really my type. Not slutty enough. 860 01:04:50,823 --> 01:04:52,222 Yeah, right. 861 01:04:58,397 --> 01:05:03,494 You know, if you want to see prostitutes while we're in Europe, feel free. 862 01:05:03,569 --> 01:05:06,436 You can just go, "Hey, Devin, catch you later," 863 01:05:06,506 --> 01:05:08,565 and go and do your thing. 864 01:05:10,810 --> 01:05:13,438 You know, I was thinking about what you said earlier, 865 01:05:13,513 --> 01:05:19,474 and I just wanted to say that I really do want to get over my prostitute fetish. 866 01:05:19,552 --> 01:05:21,076 You know, I do. 867 01:05:21,153 --> 01:05:23,519 But it did occur to me 868 01:05:23,589 --> 01:05:26,922 that maybe if I could get you to watch while I had sex with one, 869 01:05:26,993 --> 01:05:28,824 that might be really healing for me. 870 01:05:37,436 --> 01:05:41,065 Caveh, that would be so intense for me. 871 01:05:41,140 --> 01:05:42,437 Really? 872 01:05:43,776 --> 01:05:46,301 Yeah, it would 873 01:05:46,379 --> 01:05:50,475 It's just that like a lot of it has to do with shame, 874 01:05:50,550 --> 01:05:53,815 and I think that if you were watching, 875 01:05:53,886 --> 01:05:56,684 then it would be something that we were doing together. 876 01:05:56,756 --> 01:06:01,750 And then I think that might help me to not feel so much shame about it, 877 01:06:01,827 --> 01:06:06,958 and then hopefully like I wouldn't feel the need to do it as much. 878 01:06:07,033 --> 01:06:09,160 The next day we rented a car 879 01:06:09,235 --> 01:06:12,602 and drove to Milan to see Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper. 880 01:06:14,674 --> 01:06:15,971 Hey, a prostitute! 881 01:06:17,777 --> 01:06:19,972 Do you want to stop and check her out? 882 01:06:20,046 --> 01:06:21,877 I don't know. 883 01:06:24,650 --> 01:06:26,618 Well, if you don't mind. 884 01:06:26,686 --> 01:06:28,881 Nah, go for it. 885 01:06:54,914 --> 01:06:56,882 So what do you think? 886 01:06:56,949 --> 01:06:58,541 Do you wanna watch? 887 01:06:59,151 --> 01:07:02,609 If it's really important to you, I will. 888 01:07:03,956 --> 01:07:05,719 Thanks, Devin. 889 01:07:05,791 --> 01:07:07,588 I really appreciate it. 890 01:07:21,907 --> 01:07:23,966 She doesn't want you to watch. 891 01:07:24,043 --> 01:07:26,068 So what do you want to do? 892 01:07:27,913 --> 01:07:29,244 I don't know. 893 01:07:33,252 --> 01:07:34,719 Let's just go. 894 01:07:34,787 --> 01:07:35,981 Okay. 895 01:07:56,242 --> 01:07:59,905 On our last day in Italy, I saw the girl from the boardwalk again. 896 01:08:08,554 --> 01:08:12,923 Her name was Paola, and it turned out that she was an aspiring actress. 897 01:08:13,926 --> 01:08:17,327 She had seen my movie and liked it. 898 01:08:21,500 --> 01:08:22,626 Hey. 899 01:08:22,802 --> 01:08:24,702 Hey. 900 01:08:24,770 --> 01:08:27,898 - How'd it go? - Great. She gave me her shoes. 901 01:08:27,973 --> 01:08:29,133 No way. Cool. 902 01:08:29,208 --> 01:08:31,176 Yeah, she saw my movie. We kissed. 903 01:08:31,243 --> 01:08:33,507 You kissed? Lucky you. 904 01:08:33,579 --> 01:08:35,979 It was an okay kiss. Not like yours. 905 01:08:36,048 --> 01:08:37,413 Ohh. 906 01:08:38,317 --> 01:08:41,013 Mm. Did you even notice how I kept on riding 907 01:08:41,087 --> 01:08:43,078 when you decided to go and check her out? 908 01:08:43,155 --> 01:08:44,622 No, I guess I didn't. 909 01:08:44,690 --> 01:08:46,658 Yeah. I just wanted to point it out 910 01:08:46,726 --> 01:08:48,717 'cause I don't think most girlfriends would have done that, 911 01:08:48,794 --> 01:08:50,955 just take off and let you do your thing. 912 01:08:51,030 --> 01:08:53,123 Yeah, I guess you're right. 913 01:08:53,199 --> 01:08:57,898 I'd just like a little appreciation, 'cause most girlfriends wouldn't stand for it, 914 01:08:57,970 --> 01:08:59,961 let alone make it easier for you. 915 01:09:00,039 --> 01:09:01,529 Yeah, that's true. Thanks, Devin. 916 01:09:01,607 --> 01:09:04,405 - Yeah, right. - No, I really appreciate it. 917 01:09:04,477 --> 01:09:06,104 Yeah. 918 01:09:06,178 --> 01:09:08,408 - But just do me one favor, okay? - What? 919 01:09:08,481 --> 01:09:09,880 - Just one. - Okay. 920 01:09:09,949 --> 01:09:12,509 Just don't fuck her in our bed, okay? 921 01:09:14,120 --> 01:09:15,212 Okay. 922 01:09:16,288 --> 01:09:18,518 I was surprised that she would care, 923 01:09:18,591 --> 01:09:21,856 but I chose to be touched rather than alarmed. 924 01:09:24,497 --> 01:09:28,160 Paola had invited me to have a drink with her and her friends that night. 925 01:09:29,201 --> 01:09:31,669 I had asked Devin if she wanted to come along, 926 01:09:31,737 --> 01:09:34,001 secretly hoping she would decline. 927 01:09:35,207 --> 01:09:36,936 But she didn't decline. 928 01:09:38,210 --> 01:09:40,610 I couldn't decide where to sit, 929 01:09:40,679 --> 01:09:45,139 I wanted to sit next to Paola, but I felt I should sit next to Devin. 930 01:09:46,685 --> 01:09:49,483 I decided to compromise by sitting next to neither, 931 01:09:49,555 --> 01:09:51,955 thereby remaining equidistant from both, 932 01:09:52,024 --> 01:09:55,187 like Christ in da Vinci's The Last Supper. 933 01:10:08,007 --> 01:10:11,170 I'm going to head back to the hotel. I'll see you later. 934 01:10:11,243 --> 01:10:13,006 Don't you want to go swimming? 935 01:10:13,078 --> 01:10:16,605 No. Why don't you go with your Italian friend? 936 01:10:17,616 --> 01:10:20,107 I'd rather go with you. 937 01:10:20,186 --> 01:10:23,349 Nah, go with her. See ya. 938 01:10:40,639 --> 01:10:42,334 Are you sure you don't want to swim naked? 939 01:10:42,408 --> 01:10:44,103 Yes, I'm sure. 940 01:10:44,844 --> 01:10:46,436 No, it'll be fun. 941 01:10:46,512 --> 01:10:48,639 - No. - Really. 942 01:10:55,321 --> 01:10:57,050 Are you sure you don't want to sleep together? 943 01:10:57,122 --> 01:11:00,649 Yes, I'm sure. But maybe when you come to Torino. 944 01:11:00,726 --> 01:11:02,353 Great, I'll probably be old by then. 945 01:11:02,428 --> 01:11:04,259 I'll write to you. 946 01:11:05,531 --> 01:11:07,158 Okay. 947 01:11:07,233 --> 01:11:11,499 And if ever you need someone to act in one of your movies, 948 01:11:11,570 --> 01:11:13,197 just give me a call. 949 01:11:13,272 --> 01:11:15,604 That was the line that made me hate myself. 950 01:11:15,674 --> 01:11:16,971 Okay. 951 01:11:17,042 --> 01:11:19,943 I felt like a sleazy Hollywood film director. 952 01:11:25,351 --> 01:11:29,845 On the way home, I had a nightmarish vision of my future. 953 01:11:29,922 --> 01:11:34,859 I saw myself 20 years later, aging and still alone. 954 01:11:37,696 --> 01:11:42,531 By the time I got back to the hotel, I was feeling empty and depressed. 955 01:11:43,669 --> 01:11:48,197 All I wanted was to get into bed and snuggle up next to Devin. 956 01:11:59,852 --> 01:12:01,251 Devin! 957 01:12:04,490 --> 01:12:06,219 Devin! 958 01:12:17,703 --> 01:12:20,536 - So did you fuck her? - No, I didn't. 959 01:12:20,606 --> 01:12:22,836 Why not? She wanted you. 960 01:12:22,908 --> 01:12:24,842 Not enough, apparently. 961 01:12:25,878 --> 01:12:28,540 Well, I almost fucked somebody. 962 01:12:28,614 --> 01:12:30,445 Who? 963 01:12:30,516 --> 01:12:32,643 Some dude that I met in a bar. 964 01:12:32,718 --> 01:12:34,583 Here. 965 01:12:34,653 --> 01:12:35,984 Sorry. 966 01:12:37,423 --> 01:12:39,550 I felt jealous and insecure, 967 01:12:39,625 --> 01:12:42,059 but I wanted to believe that Devin and I were engaged 968 01:12:42,127 --> 01:12:45,324 in a high-minded experiment in self-transcendence. 969 01:12:47,933 --> 01:12:50,697 The next day we flew to Munich. 970 01:12:52,838 --> 01:12:55,432 Fuck, I've got such a fucking hangover. 971 01:12:56,508 --> 01:13:00,205 Excuse me, miss, can I have a scotch, please? 972 01:13:00,279 --> 01:13:02,042 One scotch? - Yeah. 973 01:13:04,450 --> 01:13:08,443 - I thought you had a hangover. - I do. That's why I need a drink. 974 01:13:09,154 --> 01:13:10,746 Is that a good idea? 975 01:13:10,823 --> 01:13:13,553 It's the only way. 976 01:13:15,394 --> 01:13:18,227 It's true. I know what I'm doing. 977 01:13:20,199 --> 01:13:21,393 Okay. 978 01:13:22,768 --> 01:13:25,703 But this is my last drink. I promise. 979 01:13:33,912 --> 01:13:35,379 You promised you weren't going to drink anymore. 980 01:13:35,447 --> 01:13:39,440 Well, the guy kept buying me beers. I couldn't really turn him down. 981 01:13:39,518 --> 01:13:42,453 - Why not? - Free beers, man. 982 01:13:42,521 --> 01:13:46,958 It was starting to dawn on me that Devin had a drinking problem. 983 01:13:47,026 --> 01:13:48,516 Now, I should probably explain 984 01:13:48,594 --> 01:13:52,690 that the actress playing Devin had a drinking problem in real life. 985 01:14:05,144 --> 01:14:07,908 The cause of and answer to all of life's problems. 986 01:14:07,980 --> 01:14:10,210 But getting back to the story... 987 01:14:12,317 --> 01:14:15,184 Devin, stop it. You said that was going to be your last one. 988 01:14:16,121 --> 01:14:19,352 Why don't you go fuck a prostitute and leave me alone? 989 01:14:20,492 --> 01:14:24,929 Devin, what are you talking about? You said you were going to stop drinking! 990 01:14:25,664 --> 01:14:27,529 I guess I changed my mind. 991 01:14:28,867 --> 01:14:31,631 Devin, I think you've had enough. 992 01:14:32,538 --> 01:14:35,200 Well, that's funny, Caveh, because I don't think I have. 993 01:14:40,479 --> 01:14:41,969 Fuck! 994 01:14:42,047 --> 01:14:44,607 You fucking prick! That shit's expensive! 995 01:14:52,491 --> 01:14:54,482 I was starting to miss Christa. 996 01:14:58,630 --> 01:15:02,225 That night, I spoke to every prostitute in Munich. 997 01:15:02,301 --> 01:15:03,290 Um... 998 01:15:06,839 --> 01:15:08,033 Blasen? 999 01:15:08,107 --> 01:15:11,042 - Blasen? - Blasen. Ja. Blasen. 1000 01:15:16,381 --> 01:15:20,841 After conversing with the street prostitutes, I made the rounds of the brothels. 1001 01:15:44,009 --> 01:15:47,536 There was one prostitute I found especially tempting. 1002 01:15:55,320 --> 01:15:57,788 I was dying to have sex with her, 1003 01:15:57,856 --> 01:16:00,222 but I managed to resist. 1004 01:16:01,560 --> 01:16:03,494 And I returned to the hotel 1005 01:16:03,562 --> 01:16:07,692 excited to tell Devin that I had successfully resisted. 1006 01:16:12,538 --> 01:16:15,939 The next day the film festival organizers 1007 01:16:16,008 --> 01:16:19,944 insisted that we pay a $300 fine for damages to the room 1008 01:16:20,012 --> 01:16:22,879 and that we leave town immediately after my screening. 1009 01:16:26,084 --> 01:16:32,023 I am not having another drink for a long time, I can tell you that. 1010 01:16:34,293 --> 01:16:35,783 Well, good. I'm glad. 1011 01:16:40,866 --> 01:16:44,302 Devin had a bad hangover and slept all afternoon. 1012 01:16:45,437 --> 01:16:49,237 It was our last day in Munich, so I decided to go sightseeing. 1013 01:17:02,254 --> 01:17:03,778 Cheers. 1014 01:17:05,057 --> 01:17:06,922 Fuck you, Devin. 1015 01:17:17,069 --> 01:17:19,037 Where are you going? 1016 01:17:19,705 --> 01:17:21,570 I'm gonna get a blow job. 1017 01:17:21,640 --> 01:17:24,131 Okay, I'll come with you. 1018 01:17:26,011 --> 01:17:27,569 I don't want you to. 1019 01:17:27,646 --> 01:17:30,274 Why not? I thought you wanted me to watch. 1020 01:17:30,349 --> 01:17:34,376 Didn't you say you wanted your girlfriends to watch so you could feel "accepted"? 1021 01:17:34,453 --> 01:17:36,648 Well, I'm mad at you right now. 1022 01:17:36,722 --> 01:17:40,180 Well, hey, pal, it's your big chance. 1023 01:18:17,095 --> 01:18:19,529 - Do you speak English? - Yes. 1024 01:18:20,198 --> 01:18:21,187 Um, hi. 1025 01:18:21,266 --> 01:18:23,826 Um, I'm looking for a woman who was here last night. 1026 01:18:23,902 --> 01:18:25,665 She had black hair. Is she here? 1027 01:18:25,737 --> 01:18:30,436 She's going to be busy for another hour. Maybe I can help you. 1028 01:18:30,509 --> 01:18:32,136 Um... 1029 01:18:32,210 --> 01:18:34,178 I was really hoping to see her. 1030 01:18:34,246 --> 01:18:35,679 I am very good. 1031 01:18:35,747 --> 01:18:40,047 I'm sure that's true, but I need to think about it. 1032 01:18:40,118 --> 01:18:41,415 Okay. 1033 01:18:45,557 --> 01:18:47,855 I don't see the one I came for. 1034 01:18:47,926 --> 01:18:51,453 So why don't you get your dick sucked by one of these? 1035 01:18:52,464 --> 01:18:55,160 Because I liked the other one better. 1036 01:18:55,233 --> 01:18:57,292 - Well, if she's not here... - She is here. 1037 01:18:57,369 --> 01:19:00,566 She says she's with a customer. She'll be done in an hour. 1038 01:19:00,639 --> 01:19:04,575 An hour? We're going to wait an hour? 1039 01:19:07,079 --> 01:19:09,479 I need another drink. 1040 01:19:09,548 --> 01:19:13,075 Devin, we can't afford another drink. 1041 01:19:13,151 --> 01:19:15,619 What do you mean we can't afford another drink? 1042 01:19:15,687 --> 01:19:19,179 You bring your girlfriend to a brothel and you won't even buy her a drink? 1043 01:19:19,257 --> 01:19:22,590 Devin, we only have 200 marks left. It's just enough for me to get a blow job. 1044 01:19:22,661 --> 01:19:24,652 It's not enough for a drink and a blow job. 1045 01:19:24,730 --> 01:19:27,221 Man, fuck you, Caveh. I want a drink. 1046 01:19:27,299 --> 01:19:29,733 Devin, you haven't even finished what's in your glass. 1047 01:19:33,271 --> 01:19:34,863 There, it's finished. 1048 01:19:45,217 --> 01:19:46,377 Here. 1049 01:19:47,519 --> 01:19:49,111 Thank you. 1050 01:19:49,187 --> 01:19:53,180 Excuse me. The woman you wanted is available now. 1051 01:19:53,258 --> 01:19:54,589 Follow me. 1052 01:20:02,934 --> 01:20:07,098 I'm sorry, I was looking for a different woman with black hair. 1053 01:20:07,172 --> 01:20:10,903 - She was here last night. - She's not here tonight. 1054 01:20:14,913 --> 01:20:17,882 - That wasn't her. - What do you mean? 1055 01:20:17,949 --> 01:20:19,849 The one I wanted isn't here tonight. 1056 01:20:19,918 --> 01:20:22,910 We waited a fucking hour and she's not here? 1057 01:20:24,423 --> 01:20:25,651 Yeah. 1058 01:20:26,825 --> 01:20:29,259 So what do you want to do? Do you want to go? 1059 01:20:31,730 --> 01:20:33,357 I'm not sure. 1060 01:20:34,232 --> 01:20:35,722 I can't decide. 1061 01:20:36,501 --> 01:20:38,901 Well, why don't you fuck one of those? 1062 01:20:39,771 --> 01:20:42,001 I don't know. I really wanted that one. 1063 01:20:42,073 --> 01:20:44,871 You know, I'm not that attracted to any of the other ones. 1064 01:20:45,544 --> 01:20:48,843 We came all the way here. You might as well do it. 1065 01:20:54,453 --> 01:20:57,547 So, you want to go upstairs with me? 1066 01:20:57,622 --> 01:21:00,716 Um, maybe. I'm not sure. 1067 01:21:00,792 --> 01:21:03,454 I can give you very much pleasure. 1068 01:21:03,528 --> 01:21:05,655 I'm sure that's true. 1069 01:21:10,402 --> 01:21:12,427 So, are you ready? 1070 01:21:12,504 --> 01:21:15,496 Um, I don't know. I can't decide. 1071 01:21:15,574 --> 01:21:17,371 Maybe I can help you decide. 1072 01:21:17,442 --> 01:21:18,602 Um... 1073 01:21:18,677 --> 01:21:21,908 - What do you think? - Well, it's certainly very tempting. 1074 01:21:24,216 --> 01:21:25,444 Where are you going? 1075 01:21:25,517 --> 01:21:28,645 Don't worry about her. She'll be fine. 1076 01:21:28,720 --> 01:21:32,178 - Where are they going? - She won't hurt her. 1077 01:21:33,191 --> 01:21:36,024 Um, I'm sorry. I have to go. 1078 01:21:52,410 --> 01:21:55,208 Fuck you, Caveh! Fuck you! Fuck you! 1079 01:21:55,280 --> 01:21:57,805 - Devin, calm down. - Fuck you! 1080 01:21:57,883 --> 01:21:59,111 What did she say to you? 1081 01:21:59,184 --> 01:22:02,381 She was actually concerned about me, unlike you! 1082 01:22:02,454 --> 01:22:05,184 She said, "Come with me, and I'll take care of you 1083 01:22:05,257 --> 01:22:07,248 and I'll make you feel better." 1084 01:22:08,426 --> 01:22:10,155 Did she mean sexually? 1085 01:22:10,228 --> 01:22:13,686 It's all you can think about, isn't it? 1086 01:22:13,765 --> 01:22:15,392 Well, is that what she meant? 1087 01:22:15,467 --> 01:22:17,025 I'm getting out! 1088 01:22:17,102 --> 01:22:19,866 Devin, no, wait! Stop it! Close it! 1089 01:22:28,880 --> 01:22:33,681 When we got back to the hotel, Devin insisted on giving me a blow job. 1090 01:22:33,752 --> 01:22:38,189 I told her I didn't want one, but she held me down and forced me. 1091 01:22:39,391 --> 01:22:42,952 I was scared the whole time that she was going to bite my penis off. 1092 01:22:46,698 --> 01:22:49,599 The next morning we flew to New York. 1093 01:23:01,079 --> 01:23:02,273 How much? 1094 01:23:21,600 --> 01:23:23,693 Let me pull it out for you. 1095 01:23:25,870 --> 01:23:27,462 Get down on your knees. 1096 01:23:27,539 --> 01:23:30,565 I'm not getting down on my fucking knees. There's broken glass. 1097 01:23:30,642 --> 01:23:32,303 Oh. Sorry. 1098 01:23:49,394 --> 01:23:53,091 The next day we went our separate ways. 1099 01:23:54,833 --> 01:23:58,599 I wanted to say "I love you," but I couldn't. 1100 01:23:59,638 --> 01:24:04,940 But as I headed towards the gate, I felt able to say it and wanted to. 1101 01:24:06,544 --> 01:24:08,478 But it was too late. 1102 01:24:12,050 --> 01:24:14,109 This is the real Devin. 1103 01:24:14,185 --> 01:24:16,710 We remained friends over the years, 1104 01:24:16,788 --> 01:24:21,623 and she later appeared in a film I made called I Don't Hate Las Vegas Anymore. 1105 01:24:21,693 --> 01:24:25,151 By then she had already been diagnosed with cancer 1106 01:24:25,230 --> 01:24:29,030 and had just undergone chemotherapy. 1107 01:24:30,035 --> 01:24:32,230 She died three years later. 1108 01:24:41,746 --> 01:24:45,978 On the way home, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. 1109 01:24:47,118 --> 01:24:48,881 Ever since I had met Devin, 1110 01:24:48,953 --> 01:24:51,444 I had believed that I had finally found the one person 1111 01:24:51,523 --> 01:24:53,457 who could accept me the way I was. 1112 01:24:55,994 --> 01:24:59,395 But now I realized that I had been wrong. 1113 01:25:01,433 --> 01:25:05,767 I had once read somewhere that everyone who comes into our lives 1114 01:25:05,837 --> 01:25:09,705 is a mirror for something inside us that we're not seeing. 1115 01:25:09,774 --> 01:25:11,571 So I asked myself 1116 01:25:11,643 --> 01:25:16,546 how Devin might be a mirror for something inside me that I wasn't seeing. 1117 01:25:17,082 --> 01:25:19,812 At first I couldn't see it. 1118 01:25:19,884 --> 01:25:24,014 Devin was an alcoholic, I wasn't an alcoholic. 1119 01:25:24,923 --> 01:25:29,292 But then it suddenly occurred to me that even though I wasn't an alcoholic, 1120 01:25:29,360 --> 01:25:33,319 I was kind of like an alcoholic about sex. 1121 01:25:41,339 --> 01:25:42,863 - Caveh? - Yeah, hi. 1122 01:25:42,941 --> 01:25:44,306 Hi. 1123 01:25:44,375 --> 01:25:47,606 Back in L.A. I went to see a therapist 1124 01:25:47,679 --> 01:25:51,171 who suggested I attend a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. 1125 01:26:31,689 --> 01:26:36,285 I scanned the faces of the other men in the room for signs of perversion, 1126 01:26:36,361 --> 01:26:38,454 but they looked just like anybody else. 1127 01:26:42,233 --> 01:26:44,428 Good evening, my name is Ken. 1128 01:26:44,502 --> 01:26:46,732 I'm a recovering sex addict. 1129 01:26:46,805 --> 01:26:48,466 Hi, Ken. 1130 01:26:48,540 --> 01:26:53,307 Welcome to the Monday night male-only meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous. 1131 01:26:53,378 --> 01:26:55,346 This is a closed meeting. 1132 01:26:55,413 --> 01:26:59,076 Only those desiring their own sexual abstinence, please. 1133 01:26:59,150 --> 01:27:00,981 In S.A.A., we define abstinence 1134 01:27:01,052 --> 01:27:04,510 not as the complete elimination of all sexuality from the addict's life, 1135 01:27:04,589 --> 01:27:07,456 but only of those compulsive sexual behaviors 1136 01:27:07,525 --> 01:27:11,291 that lead to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. 1137 01:27:11,362 --> 01:27:12,920 We leave it up to the individual to decide 1138 01:27:12,997 --> 01:27:16,057 which compulsive behaviors he wishes to abstain from. 1139 01:27:16,134 --> 01:27:17,931 I said that I'm a sex addict. 1140 01:27:18,002 --> 01:27:20,732 Are there any other sex addicts present? 1141 01:27:24,642 --> 01:27:27,634 Hi, everybody. My name's Sasha and I'm a sex addict. 1142 01:27:27,712 --> 01:27:28,974 Hi, Sasha. 1143 01:27:29,047 --> 01:27:32,983 Last week I finally took all my porn and I just put it in a garbage bag 1144 01:27:33,051 --> 01:27:36,646 and I just hauled it out 'cause I was just so sick of it. 1145 01:27:36,721 --> 01:27:39,315 And I think of all the hundreds and thousands of hours 1146 01:27:39,390 --> 01:27:42,917 I'm wasting in my car cruising... 1147 01:27:42,994 --> 01:27:44,552 ...staying in sex clubs all night 1148 01:27:44,629 --> 01:27:48,030 when there's absolutely nobody that I want to have sex with at all. 1149 01:27:48,099 --> 01:27:52,832 And it really started to affect my work, my marriage... 1150 01:27:52,904 --> 01:27:54,633 Everyone had a different addiction. 1151 01:27:54,706 --> 01:27:57,470 Ken was into gay bath houses. 1152 01:27:57,542 --> 01:28:00,909 Ron was a compulsive masturbator. 1153 01:28:00,979 --> 01:28:03,846 And Tom was a voyeur. 1154 01:28:03,915 --> 01:28:06,543 But their stories all had one thing in common... 1155 01:28:06,618 --> 01:28:09,348 that the more they had indulged their addictions, 1156 01:28:09,420 --> 01:28:12,116 the stronger their addictions had become. 1157 01:28:12,190 --> 01:28:15,318 I'm in my hallway and I'm bleeding, 1158 01:28:15,393 --> 01:28:19,489 and I just realized that that's it, I'm at fucking rock bottom. 1159 01:28:19,564 --> 01:28:24,968 And I really need some support tonight, 'cause it's been a really hard week. 1160 01:28:30,241 --> 01:28:33,938 It's 9:15. This is the time we usually set aside for newcomers. 1161 01:28:34,012 --> 01:28:36,879 Would any of the newcomers like to share? 1162 01:28:41,452 --> 01:28:42,817 Yes. 1163 01:28:52,230 --> 01:28:56,166 As you can see, I'm not very good at crying on camera. 1164 01:28:56,234 --> 01:28:58,930 But I did actually break down and cry 1165 01:28:59,003 --> 01:29:01,767 at that first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting that I went to, 1166 01:29:01,839 --> 01:29:05,036 and I actually happened to tape record the meeting. 1167 01:29:05,109 --> 01:29:09,569 And this is actually the tape that I made at that first meeting. 1168 01:29:10,548 --> 01:29:13,517 This was in 1991. 1169 01:29:13,584 --> 01:29:15,882 And I'm just going to play it for you 1170 01:29:15,954 --> 01:29:19,856 so you can hear what it sounded like. 1171 01:29:21,659 --> 01:29:24,822 I feel really moved by what everybody is saying. 1172 01:29:24,896 --> 01:29:26,955 What's your name? - My name's Robert. 1173 01:29:27,031 --> 01:29:29,397 Hi, Robert. 1174 01:29:29,467 --> 01:29:31,401 I didn't use my real name. 1175 01:29:34,105 --> 01:29:35,299 I'm blowing my nose. 1176 01:29:35,373 --> 01:29:37,238 I used to be married and... 1177 01:29:41,746 --> 01:29:43,270 It's hard to talk. 1178 01:29:46,384 --> 01:29:49,012 I started seeing prostitutes and... 1179 01:29:50,488 --> 01:29:52,820 ... it destroyed my marriage and... 1180 01:29:55,226 --> 01:29:56,693 Then I got... 1181 01:29:58,529 --> 01:30:00,793 ... involved with somebody else and... 1182 01:30:02,567 --> 01:30:04,797 ... that just ended recently... 1183 01:30:06,337 --> 01:30:07,964 ... for the same reason. 1184 01:30:08,773 --> 01:30:11,139 Ooh, I hit the record button. 1185 01:30:12,276 --> 01:30:14,073 Anyway, that was, uh... 1186 01:30:14,979 --> 01:30:17,709 That was that. I mean, there's more, but... 1187 01:30:18,783 --> 01:30:20,250 Let's go back to the movie. 1188 01:30:20,318 --> 01:30:23,583 I started going to meetings regularly after that 1189 01:30:23,654 --> 01:30:27,715 and was eventually able to stop having sex with prostitutes long enough 1190 01:30:27,792 --> 01:30:29,225 to get married again. 1191 01:30:31,329 --> 01:30:34,457 Unfortunately, that marriage didn't work out so well. 1192 01:30:35,433 --> 01:30:38,561 Two years later, as our marriage was falling apart, 1193 01:30:38,636 --> 01:30:43,266 I had sex with a prostitute and told my wife. 1194 01:30:43,341 --> 01:30:45,571 She filed for divorce soon after. 1195 01:30:47,211 --> 01:30:49,611 Hi, my name's Caveh. I'm a sex addict. 1196 01:30:49,680 --> 01:30:51,204 Hi, Caveh. 1197 01:30:51,282 --> 01:30:52,909 It wasn't easy, 1198 01:30:52,984 --> 01:30:56,579 but after several more years of going to meetings at least once a week, 1199 01:30:56,654 --> 01:31:00,249 I was eventually able to stop having sex with prostitutes altogether. 1200 01:31:00,324 --> 01:31:04,192 It's hard to explain how I was eventually able to stop. 1201 01:31:04,262 --> 01:31:06,822 It wasn't just one thing. 1202 01:31:06,898 --> 01:31:12,200 But the way I think about it is in terms of the story of Orpheus and the Sirens. 1203 01:31:15,239 --> 01:31:17,867 The Sirens were these mythical creatures 1204 01:31:17,942 --> 01:31:20,137 whose singing was so seductive 1205 01:31:20,211 --> 01:31:23,578 that anyone hearing them would go insane with desire. 1206 01:31:25,750 --> 01:31:29,413 Sailors would fling themselves overboard to try to reach them, 1207 01:31:29,487 --> 01:31:32,183 only to die upon the rocks below. 1208 01:31:33,724 --> 01:31:37,683 But when Jason and the Argonauts had to sail past the Sirens, 1209 01:31:37,762 --> 01:31:41,198 Orpheus, the greatest singer in ancient Greece, 1210 01:31:41,265 --> 01:31:43,199 came up with an ingenious idea. 1211 01:31:45,770 --> 01:31:47,897 He simply started singing. 1212 01:31:49,040 --> 01:31:51,565 And because his song was so beautiful, 1213 01:31:51,642 --> 01:31:54,805 the oarsmen had ears only for his song 1214 01:31:54,879 --> 01:31:56,972 and didn't even hear the Sirens. 1215 01:31:58,783 --> 01:32:00,910 And I feel like that's what happened to me. 1216 01:32:02,286 --> 01:32:04,516 I heard a more beautiful song. 1217 01:32:16,567 --> 01:32:19,559 - And then I met Mandy. - Hi. 1218 01:32:19,637 --> 01:32:22,538 - This is Mandy. - We just went swimming. 1219 01:32:22,607 --> 01:32:26,668 We met in a dance class and fell in love soon afterwards. 1220 01:32:29,113 --> 01:32:31,946 We've been together for seven years now, 1221 01:32:32,016 --> 01:32:34,985 which is by far the longest I've ever been with anyone. 1222 01:32:36,888 --> 01:32:39,186 I love you, sweetie. - I love you, too. 1223 01:32:39,257 --> 01:32:41,157 Now, I'm not saying we never fight. 1224 01:32:41,225 --> 01:32:44,217 Mandy, I was willing to talk about it. You weren't. 1225 01:32:44,295 --> 01:32:46,286 We fight a lot. 1226 01:32:46,364 --> 01:32:49,197 Now he's in here and he's filming me. 1227 01:32:49,267 --> 01:32:52,703 But fighting no longer makes me want to go have sex with a prostitute 1228 01:32:52,770 --> 01:32:54,897 or look for a new girlfriend. 1229 01:32:54,972 --> 01:32:59,739 Instead, I just hang in there and really try to work it out. 1230 01:33:02,280 --> 01:33:05,272 I could go on and on about how great she is, 1231 01:33:05,349 --> 01:33:07,340 but the wedding's about to begin. 1232 01:33:07,418 --> 01:33:09,318 Greg, let's do the boutonniere. 1233 01:33:36,781 --> 01:33:38,874 Are you ready? Here we go. 1234 01:35:36,767 --> 01:35:38,735 One, two, three. 103820

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