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Hi. My name's Caveh,
and I'm about to be married.
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Um, this isn't my first time.
I've actually been married twice before.
3
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Um, but I'm pretty sure
it's going to be the last time.
4
00:00:42,212 --> 00:00:43,804
Um...
5
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How can I know that for sure?
I can't, obviously.
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My last two marriages fell apart because
I used to have this sex addiction problem,
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and I don't really have that anymore.
8
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Well, at least not in the way I used to.
9
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Um...
10
00:00:57,761 --> 00:01:01,857
You see, about ten years ago I started going
to these Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings.
11
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,264
Hi. My name's Caveh.
I'm a sex addict.
12
00:01:05,335 --> 00:01:07,269
Hi, Caveh.
13
00:01:07,337 --> 00:01:11,740
For me, it all started in Paris
about seven years ago.
14
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Actually, I wasn't able
to raise enough money to go to Paris,
15
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so I'm just going to shoot it here
in San Francisco,
16
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which is where I live now.
17
00:01:27,424 --> 00:01:29,654
So if you could just pretend this is Paris...
18
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...and that I'm 23 years old.
19
00:01:43,239 --> 00:01:45,503
So anyway, I was walking
down the street one day...
20
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...when I saw this prostitute.
21
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The first thing that struck mewas what she was wearing.
22
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But then I noticed heruncanny resemblance to my wife.
23
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I thought it was strange that I should beso turned on by this woman,
24
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and yet no longer the least bitattracted to my wife.
25
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You fucking shut the fuck up!
26
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This is Caroline, my wife.
27
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How I ended up marrying her
28
00:02:15,472 --> 00:02:19,602
instead of the person I wasreally in love with is a long story.
29
00:02:19,676 --> 00:02:23,737
But I should probably start by explainingthat I never would have married Caroline
30
00:02:23,813 --> 00:02:25,906
if it hadn't been for the factthat she was French...
31
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... and that her visa was about to expire.
32
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Actually, let me back up a second.
33
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This is Anna.
34
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She was my first real girlfriendand the love of my life.
35
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We had met in collegeand had been together for two years.
36
00:02:48,371 --> 00:02:51,898
Now, I should probably explainthat ever since I was a kid,
37
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I was obsessedwith finding my soul mate.
38
00:02:55,278 --> 00:02:57,610
Every time I would meet a girlI would think,
39
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"Is she the one?
40
00:02:59,182 --> 00:03:00,615
"Is she the one?
41
00:03:00,683 --> 00:03:02,344
Or is she the one?"
42
00:03:02,986 --> 00:03:06,114
I was constantly falling in loveat the drop of a hat,
43
00:03:06,189 --> 00:03:10,125
but the girls I was attracted tonever seemed to be attracted to me.
44
00:03:11,561 --> 00:03:13,859
Things went on like this for years,
45
00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:17,229
and I was starting to despairof ever finding a soul mate.
46
00:03:18,468 --> 00:03:20,265
And then I met Anna.
47
00:03:21,838 --> 00:03:23,965
She had the most beautiful soulof anyone I had ever met.
48
00:03:25,542 --> 00:03:28,636
And the two years we spent togetherwere the happiest of my life.
49
00:03:31,181 --> 00:03:33,649
It seemed that nothingcould ever come between us
50
00:03:33,716 --> 00:03:35,513
and that we would always be together.
51
00:03:38,688 --> 00:03:41,680
The only problem wasthat I was a philosophy major
52
00:03:41,758 --> 00:03:43,521
and believed in free love.
53
00:03:46,162 --> 00:03:49,290
To me, monogamy was a formof private property,
54
00:03:49,365 --> 00:03:52,129
and I was against private property.
55
00:03:52,202 --> 00:03:53,794
Let me try one more a different way.
56
00:03:55,605 --> 00:04:00,065
Our role models at the time wereJean Paul Satre and Simone de Beauvoir
57
00:04:00,143 --> 00:04:03,078
because they were said to have hada polygamous relationship
58
00:04:03,146 --> 00:04:05,114
which had lasted their entire lives.
59
00:04:07,750 --> 00:04:10,742
Anna had had affairs,and so had I.
60
00:04:11,254 --> 00:04:13,779
Of course, we both got jealous at times,
61
00:04:13,857 --> 00:04:17,190
but we believed that jealousywas something to be transcended
62
00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:20,127
and that it was possible to lovemore than one person at a time...
63
00:04:21,798 --> 00:04:24,062
... which is how I ended upbecoming involved with Caroline.
64
00:04:27,704 --> 00:04:30,468
We had met in Parisa few months earlier
65
00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:32,405
and had spent threeidyllic days together.
66
00:04:32,475 --> 00:04:37,174
I know I said that we couldn't afford
to shoot in Paris, and we really can't,
67
00:04:37,247 --> 00:04:39,715
but the actress playing Caroline,
68
00:04:39,782 --> 00:04:44,242
her visa expired and she actually
had to go back to France
69
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,050
before we could finish the film.
70
00:04:47,123 --> 00:04:49,853
Actually, let me back up a little.
71
00:04:49,926 --> 00:04:53,623
You see, I had a really hard time
finding a French actress to play my wife.
72
00:04:53,696 --> 00:04:55,687
And then one day
I saw this woman on the street
73
00:04:55,765 --> 00:04:57,960
who looked a lot like the real Caroline.
74
00:04:58,034 --> 00:05:01,231
So I started talking to her
and found out that she was French.
75
00:05:01,304 --> 00:05:03,033
So I asked her to audition.
76
00:05:03,106 --> 00:05:06,735
So what do you do for money?
What's your business?
77
00:05:06,809 --> 00:05:08,367
I have a make-up company.
78
00:05:08,444 --> 00:05:10,435
Oh, really?
Are you a make-up artist?
79
00:05:10,513 --> 00:05:13,277
Well, actually,
I teach people to do make-up.
80
00:05:13,349 --> 00:05:15,408
Really? So you're
a make-up artist teacher?
81
00:05:15,485 --> 00:05:16,679
Yes, I am.
82
00:05:16,753 --> 00:05:18,311
Now, I should probably explain
83
00:05:18,388 --> 00:05:21,289
that the real Caroline
was also a make-up artist,
84
00:05:21,357 --> 00:05:25,987
which I took as a sign that I had found
the perfect person to play the role.
85
00:05:26,062 --> 00:05:29,964
But then a few months later,
when we were about to do re-shoots,
86
00:05:30,033 --> 00:05:31,933
something really weird happened.
87
00:05:32,001 --> 00:05:35,198
Okay, something really weird
just happened.
88
00:05:35,271 --> 00:05:40,903
I was looking for a French prostitute
89
00:05:40,977 --> 00:05:43,411
to act in the movie
for the prostitute scene.
90
00:05:43,479 --> 00:05:45,208
Where is it?
91
00:05:45,281 --> 00:05:46,646
There it is.
92
00:05:46,716 --> 00:05:51,483
I found this face that says Rebecca Lord.
93
00:05:51,554 --> 00:05:53,181
So I open it...
94
00:05:55,325 --> 00:05:57,418
And I'm like...
95
00:05:57,493 --> 00:06:00,223
"Porn Star Rebecca Lord, French."
96
00:06:00,296 --> 00:06:04,357
And I'm like, "Wow, she looks
so much like Caroline."
97
00:06:06,269 --> 00:06:08,328
I go down.
98
00:06:08,404 --> 00:06:11,237
I'm like, "She looks
so much like Caroline."
99
00:06:11,307 --> 00:06:14,435
And then it says here,
100
00:06:14,510 --> 00:06:17,172
"working first as a make-up artist."
101
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,804
That's what Caroline was.
102
00:06:19,749 --> 00:06:24,413
And then it says that she'll be visiting
San Francisco August 7th through 11th.
103
00:06:24,487 --> 00:06:26,512
That's when we're shooting
our re-shoots.
104
00:06:27,190 --> 00:06:29,784
And I'm like, "Wait a minute.
105
00:06:29,859 --> 00:06:33,955
Caroline... is a prostitute?"
106
00:06:38,334 --> 00:06:40,029
And then there's all these movies.
107
00:06:41,170 --> 00:06:43,331
Here's her list of credits.
108
00:06:48,644 --> 00:06:50,305
Sluts of France.
109
00:06:53,549 --> 00:06:58,384
So I had inadvertently cast a porn star
to play my French wife.
110
00:06:59,022 --> 00:07:01,320
But anyway, getting back to the story.
111
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:06,090
We had met in Paris a few months earlier
112
00:07:06,162 --> 00:07:08,995
and had spent three idyllic days together.
113
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,968
I had been totally honest with Caroline
114
00:07:13,036 --> 00:07:15,937
about my relationship with Annaand had even asked her...
115
00:07:16,005 --> 00:07:18,303
Do you ever get jealous?
116
00:07:18,374 --> 00:07:19,466
To which she had answered...
117
00:07:19,542 --> 00:07:22,204
Life is too short for that.
118
00:07:22,278 --> 00:07:24,838
I was blown away by her answer
119
00:07:24,914 --> 00:07:28,372
and I found myself startingto fall in love with Caroline.
120
00:07:29,519 --> 00:07:32,682
But I still believed that Annawas the true love of my life.
121
00:07:34,090 --> 00:07:37,958
But then a month later,Caroline flew to the States to see me,
122
00:07:38,027 --> 00:07:40,621
and it was then that the trouble started.
123
00:07:40,696 --> 00:07:43,631
You see,Anna became jealous of Caroline
124
00:07:43,699 --> 00:07:46,634
and insisted that I choose between them.
125
00:07:46,702 --> 00:07:48,932
I didn't want to choose between them.
126
00:07:49,005 --> 00:07:51,064
I wanted to be able to see them both.
127
00:07:52,208 --> 00:07:54,836
But then Anna gota summer internship in New York,
128
00:07:54,911 --> 00:07:58,904
and Caroline and I ended upspending the summer together.
129
00:07:58,981 --> 00:08:02,212
Which is why when her visa expired.
130
00:08:02,285 --> 00:08:05,914
I offered to marry herso that she could stay in the States.
131
00:08:06,122 --> 00:08:10,650
Now, I should probably explain
that I wasn't exactly the marrying type.
132
00:08:10,726 --> 00:08:13,695
In fact, I was totally against marriage.
133
00:08:13,763 --> 00:08:16,755
You see, I had grown up
during the Vietnam War
134
00:08:16,833 --> 00:08:19,893
and I saw marriage as patof the same capitalist system
135
00:08:19,969 --> 00:08:22,028
that had producedthe genocide in Vietnam.
136
00:08:30,046 --> 00:08:32,412
But I was also influencedby performance at...
137
00:08:33,649 --> 00:08:36,675
... and by the idea of life itselfas a kind of performance piece.
138
00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:43,054
And to me the institution of marriagewas so inherently absurd
139
00:08:43,126 --> 00:08:46,254
that I tried to subvert itby treating it as performance art.
140
00:08:46,329 --> 00:08:47,421
I do.
141
00:08:47,497 --> 00:08:51,194
Except that the joke,as it turned out, was on me.
142
00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:54,634
Because when Anna found outthat I had gotten married to Caroline,
143
00:08:54,704 --> 00:08:56,695
she didn't take it so well.
144
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:00,602
And then I did somethingincredibly dumb.
145
00:09:02,078 --> 00:09:04,603
You see, Caroline and I wereabout to run out of money...
146
00:09:06,249 --> 00:09:11,186
... and the idea of having to get a job was,in my mind, a fate worse than death.
147
00:09:12,288 --> 00:09:14,722
The only occupation I was interested in
148
00:09:14,790 --> 00:09:17,418
was that of famous filmmaker.
149
00:09:17,493 --> 00:09:19,791
But the few experimental filmsthat I had made
150
00:09:19,862 --> 00:09:24,094
hadn't exactly been greetedwith enthusiasm by the film world.
151
00:09:34,277 --> 00:09:36,074
To remedy this situation,
152
00:09:36,145 --> 00:09:40,377
I had recently written a scriptabout the French poet Arthur Rimbaud
153
00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:43,441
which I was convincedwould revolutionize cinema...
154
00:09:46,222 --> 00:09:49,521
... and which Caroline insisted it wouldbe easy to raise money for in France.
155
00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:54,152
It will be easy to raise money
for this in France.
156
00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:58,991
But moving to Franceturned out to be a disaster.
157
00:10:00,236 --> 00:10:04,764
Most of the film producers I approachedwouldn't even talk to me.
158
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,708
The few that didjust told me that I was nobody.
159
00:10:10,146 --> 00:10:13,513
Meanwhile, my relationshipwith Caroline had started to unravel.
160
00:10:15,117 --> 00:10:19,110
Caroline was insanely jealous of Annaand would cry hysterically
161
00:10:19,188 --> 00:10:21,713
whenever I would write her a letteror talk to her on the phone.
162
00:10:21,791 --> 00:10:23,315
Hi, how are you doing?
163
00:10:23,392 --> 00:10:26,691
I was starting to feel trapped,and it was hard not to blame Caroline
164
00:10:26,762 --> 00:10:31,256
for having gotten in the wayof my relationship with Anna.
165
00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:34,462
And then one day,I got a letter from Anna
166
00:10:34,537 --> 00:10:37,165
saying that she was goingto be in Amsterdam
167
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,640
and askingif I would like to meet her there.
168
00:10:41,444 --> 00:10:42,775
I was ecstatic.
169
00:10:42,845 --> 00:10:46,372
I felt that I was finally being given a chanceto get back together with Anna.
170
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:51,646
But Caroline knew that if I leftI would never come back,
171
00:10:51,721 --> 00:10:53,712
so she decided to jump out a window.
172
00:10:55,925 --> 00:10:57,893
The thought of being responsiblefor her death
173
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,758
- was way more guilt than I could handle.
174
00:11:00,830 --> 00:11:03,799
- Caroline! Caroline!
- No! No!
175
00:11:06,302 --> 00:11:08,998
So I agreed never to see Anna again.
176
00:11:15,645 --> 00:11:18,739
It was by far the mostpainful decision I ever made.
177
00:11:19,749 --> 00:11:22,309
But I did it because yearsof going to Sunday school
178
00:11:22,385 --> 00:11:25,616
had taught me to equate virtuewith sacrifice.
179
00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:30,350
- Can I come down?
One more time.
180
00:11:30,426 --> 00:11:34,624
I should probably also explainthat when I was in college
181
00:11:34,697 --> 00:11:36,460
I had once asked my friend Arnold...
182
00:11:39,602 --> 00:11:43,231
What's your, like, ultimate goal in life?
183
00:11:43,306 --> 00:11:44,637
And he had said...
184
00:11:44,707 --> 00:11:46,572
To be a saint.
185
00:11:46,642 --> 00:11:48,633
I'd been blown away by his answer...
186
00:11:50,112 --> 00:11:53,104
... and I decided that I toowould try to become a saint.
187
00:11:55,117 --> 00:11:58,575
Which is why,when Caroline asked me
188
00:11:58,654 --> 00:12:02,215
to cut all ties with the only personI had ever truly loved,
189
00:12:02,291 --> 00:12:04,088
I agreed.
190
00:12:07,663 --> 00:12:09,494
When I found out much later
191
00:12:09,565 --> 00:12:12,329
that Anna had gotten marriedto someone else,
192
00:12:12,401 --> 00:12:14,631
I was devastated.
193
00:12:14,704 --> 00:12:19,698
I had still been secretly hoping that Carolineand I would eventually break up
194
00:12:19,775 --> 00:12:22,903
and that Anna and Iwould one day get back together.
195
00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:26,539
But now I realized that it was really over.
196
00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:33,247
I tried my best to transcend my feelings
197
00:12:33,322 --> 00:12:37,486
and to resign myselfto a life of quiet desperation.
198
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:40,757
But the truth is I was incredibly angry.
199
00:12:40,830 --> 00:12:42,730
I was angry at God,
200
00:12:42,798 --> 00:12:44,561
I was angry at Caroline,
201
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:47,124
and I was angry at myself.
202
00:12:47,203 --> 00:12:50,400
But mostly I was angry at Caroline.
203
00:12:51,807 --> 00:12:55,208
And then one dayI was walking down the street
204
00:12:55,277 --> 00:12:59,008
when I saw... this prostitute.
205
00:13:02,585 --> 00:13:03,779
There was something about her
206
00:13:03,853 --> 00:13:07,721
that turned me on in a waythat I had never been turned on before.
207
00:13:09,158 --> 00:13:11,683
It was as if I had been hypnotized.
208
00:13:19,468 --> 00:13:23,837
And then I suddenly found myself sayingsomething that I had never said before.
209
00:13:23,906 --> 00:13:25,669
I said the words...
210
00:13:27,510 --> 00:13:32,447
Now, I should probably explain that I had
always considered myself a feminist
211
00:13:32,515 --> 00:13:35,951
and had even marched
in an anti-pornography rally once.
212
00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:39,721
Which is why
213
00:13:39,789 --> 00:13:42,121
when I suddenly found
myself saying the words...
214
00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:46,455
...I half expected the prostitute
to run screaming...
215
00:13:48,964 --> 00:13:50,591
... or to slap me in the face.
216
00:13:52,334 --> 00:13:56,862
The fact that she didn't,but smiled instead and said...
217
00:13:59,475 --> 00:14:00,533
... made my head spin.
218
00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:19,824
Afterwards, I was a nervous wreck.
219
00:14:21,964 --> 00:14:23,955
I couldn't get her out of my mind.
220
00:14:36,846 --> 00:14:38,370
Hi.
- Hi.
221
00:14:48,457 --> 00:14:52,518
I thought that if I masturbated,I would get her out of my system.
222
00:14:53,462 --> 00:14:55,430
But it didn't work.
223
00:14:57,766 --> 00:15:01,725
So after several daysof compulsive masturbation,
224
00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:04,329
I decided that I needed a new strategy.
225
00:15:14,583 --> 00:15:18,144
You see, I knew that she wasjust a regular person.
226
00:15:18,220 --> 00:15:22,919
But in my mind, I had somehow made herinto an image of erotic salvation.
227
00:15:24,059 --> 00:15:28,758
And it seemed that the only way to get heroff the erotic pedestal that I had put her on
228
00:15:28,831 --> 00:15:31,061
was to have a real conversation with her.
229
00:15:35,204 --> 00:15:38,173
Unfortunately, she wasn't there.
230
00:15:52,221 --> 00:15:56,555
I was mad at myself for having wastedso many hours of my day,
231
00:15:56,625 --> 00:15:58,889
but I didn't want to leave empty-handed.
232
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:34,625
I asked that same question to everyprostitute that was there that day.
233
00:16:34,697 --> 00:16:37,029
I might even have askedsome of them twice.
234
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,567
Afterwards, I felt strangely euphoric.
235
00:16:42,504 --> 00:16:46,702
And I returned home feeling that I hadfinally gotten this thing out of my system.
236
00:16:49,011 --> 00:16:50,672
But I was wrong.
237
00:16:50,746 --> 00:16:54,204
Instead of fantasizingabout just the one prostitute,
238
00:16:54,283 --> 00:16:56,683
I was now fantasizing about all of them.
239
00:16:58,454 --> 00:17:00,547
I went back the next day...
240
00:17:00,623 --> 00:17:03,387
and the next day...
241
00:17:03,459 --> 00:17:05,359
and the next.
242
00:17:07,196 --> 00:17:09,858
At first it was enough just to talk to them...
243
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:13,561
... and to fantasizeabout them afterwards.
244
00:17:17,406 --> 00:17:21,342
But after a while, just talking to themwas no longer enough.
245
00:17:30,052 --> 00:17:32,646
Now, I know that a lot of guys
in my situation
246
00:17:32,721 --> 00:17:35,212
would have just gone ahead
and had sex with the prostitute
247
00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:37,315
and not told their wife about it.
248
00:17:37,393 --> 00:17:39,861
But I had this thing about honesty.
249
00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:42,260
You see, when I was a kid,
250
00:17:42,331 --> 00:17:45,630
my mother found out that my fatherhad been cheating on her
251
00:17:45,701 --> 00:17:49,228
and made him drive my sister and meto this other woman's apartment
252
00:17:49,304 --> 00:17:52,398
in order to humiliate him in front of us.
253
00:17:52,474 --> 00:17:55,068
I was too young to know what sex was,
254
00:17:55,144 --> 00:17:57,510
but I knew that it was a very bad thing
255
00:17:57,579 --> 00:18:00,878
and that it was responsiblefor my parents' divorce.
256
00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:04,146
I was only eight years old at the time,
257
00:18:04,219 --> 00:18:06,210
but I began to hate my father.
258
00:18:06,288 --> 00:18:09,189
And I vowed to myselfthat I would never be like him.
259
00:18:23,172 --> 00:18:27,939
You know, if you really need
to see a prostitute, you can.
260
00:18:28,010 --> 00:18:31,946
I don't want to see a prostitute.
I want to try to resist.
261
00:18:32,014 --> 00:18:33,709
But I think I need your help.
262
00:18:33,782 --> 00:18:35,977
What do you want me to do?
263
00:18:36,051 --> 00:18:38,349
I just need to be able to talk to you.
264
00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:41,389
I think if I can talk to you about it,
I'll be less tempted,
265
00:18:41,457 --> 00:18:43,220
and it'll be easier for me to resist.
266
00:18:43,292 --> 00:18:45,886
You can talk to me about it.
267
00:18:45,961 --> 00:18:47,588
I can?
268
00:18:47,663 --> 00:18:49,995
Of course.
269
00:18:50,065 --> 00:18:51,589
Ohh.
270
00:18:52,968 --> 00:18:55,232
God, I feel so much better.
271
00:18:58,907 --> 00:19:01,467
Are you tempted to have
intercourse with a prostitute
272
00:19:01,543 --> 00:19:05,741
or just to get a blow job?
273
00:19:05,814 --> 00:19:07,714
Oh, no. Just get a blow job.
274
00:19:07,783 --> 00:19:11,014
I would never want to have intercourse
with one. That would gross me out.
275
00:19:11,086 --> 00:19:13,577
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
276
00:19:13,655 --> 00:19:16,385
You're the only person I'd ever want
to have intercourse with.
277
00:19:16,458 --> 00:19:17,891
You promise?
278
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,656
Yeah, I promise.
279
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:28,067
Is there anything I can do
to make you less tempted?
280
00:19:31,006 --> 00:19:34,567
Maybe if you could give me
blow jobs more often?
281
00:19:34,643 --> 00:19:36,270
I don't mind.
282
00:19:36,345 --> 00:19:39,405
I can even give you a blow job
right now if you like.
283
00:19:41,617 --> 00:19:42,777
Okay.
284
00:19:46,955 --> 00:19:49,549
I felt guilty accepting her offer,
285
00:19:49,625 --> 00:19:51,991
but I thought it might be a good idea.
286
00:20:04,306 --> 00:20:07,104
I was still fantasizingthat she was a prostitute,
287
00:20:07,176 --> 00:20:09,906
but the fact that she knewand accepted this part of me
288
00:20:09,978 --> 00:20:12,276
made it different than before.
289
00:20:12,347 --> 00:20:17,284
It made it something we were sharing,something that we were doing together.
290
00:20:17,352 --> 00:20:20,583
And I felt that I was seeing Carolinefor the first time.
291
00:20:23,792 --> 00:20:27,193
After I came, I was still hard.
292
00:20:27,262 --> 00:20:30,356
This was something that had
never happened to me before.
293
00:20:30,432 --> 00:20:33,367
It was as if my no longer
having to repress my sexuality
294
00:20:33,435 --> 00:20:37,531
had suddenly unleashed a backlog
of repressed sexual energy.
295
00:20:37,606 --> 00:20:40,006
So Caroline offered to give me
another blow job.
296
00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:48,107
To my astonishment, I was still hard.
297
00:20:48,183 --> 00:20:51,209
So Caroline offered to give me
yet another blow job.
298
00:20:54,756 --> 00:20:58,385
Afterwards, I was still hard.
299
00:20:58,460 --> 00:21:02,988
I had never seen anything like it,
and I actually started to get scared.
300
00:21:03,065 --> 00:21:08,264
I was afraid that my erection had become
permanent and would never go away.
301
00:21:08,337 --> 00:21:10,805
Caroline offered to give me
yet another blow job,
302
00:21:10,873 --> 00:21:13,364
but I had recently
gotten a job as a film critic
303
00:21:13,442 --> 00:21:16,036
and I didn't want to be late
to my first screening.
304
00:21:20,749 --> 00:21:23,980
On the way there
my erection finally subsided.
305
00:21:32,127 --> 00:21:35,324
At that moment I was filled
with boundless love for Caroline,
306
00:21:35,397 --> 00:21:37,865
and I felt closer to her than ever before.
307
00:21:41,270 --> 00:21:43,500
As part of our newfound intimacy,
308
00:21:43,572 --> 00:21:46,473
I started pointing out to Caroline
the women I was attracted to.
309
00:21:46,541 --> 00:21:48,532
I like that one.
310
00:21:48,610 --> 00:21:51,044
That one?
She's gross!
311
00:21:51,113 --> 00:21:53,172
Not to me.
312
00:21:53,248 --> 00:21:56,615
- I like that one, too.
- You're kidding, right?
313
00:21:56,685 --> 00:21:58,710
No, I'm serious.
She's exactly my type.
314
00:21:58,787 --> 00:22:00,186
But she's so vulgar.
315
00:22:00,255 --> 00:22:03,986
I know. That's what I like
about her. It's true.
316
00:22:05,427 --> 00:22:09,022
Did you see that woman?
I would love to have sex with her.
317
00:22:14,503 --> 00:22:17,700
It was great to be able
to be totally honest with Caroline,
318
00:22:17,773 --> 00:22:20,765
and I felt that I was finally having
the kind of open and honest relationship
319
00:22:20,842 --> 00:22:23,072
that I'd always dreamed of.
320
00:22:23,712 --> 00:22:26,408
Whoa! Look at those lips.
321
00:22:26,481 --> 00:22:28,745
I would love a blow job from her.
322
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,010
Did you see that?
323
00:22:35,590 --> 00:22:39,686
But after a while,Caroline couldn't take it anymore.
324
00:22:57,179 --> 00:22:59,704
- What's the matter?
- What do you think?
325
00:22:59,781 --> 00:23:03,478
I'm sick and tired of you
staring at other women all the time!
326
00:23:03,552 --> 00:23:05,679
- It's humiliating!
- What do you want me to do?
327
00:23:05,754 --> 00:23:08,552
You want me to hide the fact
that I'm attracted to somebody?
328
00:23:08,623 --> 00:23:13,686
How would you like it if you saw me drooling
over every guy I was attracted to? Huh?
329
00:23:13,762 --> 00:23:16,697
Well, I'd probably feel a little jealous,
but I'd try to transcend it.
330
00:23:17,966 --> 00:23:19,399
I would!
331
00:23:19,468 --> 00:23:21,629
Didn't you say you wanted me
to be totally honest?
332
00:23:21,703 --> 00:23:23,671
Well, I've changed my mind!
333
00:23:28,210 --> 00:23:30,974
But my not being able
to be totally honest with her
334
00:23:31,046 --> 00:23:33,276
made me feel alienated once again.
335
00:23:33,348 --> 00:23:38,285
And I started obsessing about the variouswomen I would see on the street.
336
00:23:38,353 --> 00:23:39,786
I remember this one time,
337
00:23:39,855 --> 00:23:43,814
I saw a woman on the subwaythat I was particularly attracted to.
338
00:23:45,861 --> 00:23:49,820
I don't know what I was thinking.but I suddenly started following her.
339
00:23:54,870 --> 00:23:58,829
For some reason, I was dyingto reach out and touch her butt.
340
00:24:05,881 --> 00:24:07,815
And I was trying to get upthe courage to do this
341
00:24:07,883 --> 00:24:10,852
when her boyfriend suddenly appeared.
342
00:24:14,890 --> 00:24:19,850
But I had been so turned on by herthat all I wanted to do was masturbate.
343
00:24:22,898 --> 00:24:25,867
The only place I could findwas a confessional.
344
00:24:30,906 --> 00:24:34,034
There was somethingabout masturbating in a confessional
345
00:24:34,109 --> 00:24:36,441
that appealed to my senseof transgression.
346
00:24:36,511 --> 00:24:42,472
And it wasn't long before I had masturbatedin every cathedral in Paris.
347
00:24:43,285 --> 00:24:47,278
Meanwhile, Caroline and I hadstarted fighting more and more,
348
00:24:47,355 --> 00:24:50,119
and I had started threateningto have sex with a prostitute
349
00:24:50,192 --> 00:24:52,285
in order to get herto stop fighting with me.
350
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:54,555
I'm going to go have sex with a prostitute!
351
00:24:54,629 --> 00:24:58,656
Fine! Go get your dick sucked
by a prostitute! See if I care!
352
00:25:04,673 --> 00:25:06,402
Pssh!
353
00:25:06,475 --> 00:25:10,468
And then one day I somehowmanaged to convince myself
354
00:25:10,545 --> 00:25:14,845
that I was hurting her more by constantlythreatening to have sex with a prostitute
355
00:25:14,916 --> 00:25:16,577
than I would by just doing it
356
00:25:16,651 --> 00:25:18,983
and getting it out of my systemonce and for all.
357
00:25:40,976 --> 00:25:43,843
I wanted to reach out and touch her butt,
358
00:25:43,912 --> 00:25:46,472
but I felt shy.
359
00:25:46,548 --> 00:25:48,709
I didn't know if that was allowed.
360
00:27:49,070 --> 00:27:50,367
Uh...
361
00:28:02,884 --> 00:28:04,749
Um...
362
00:28:33,715 --> 00:28:35,239
I was certainly tempted,
363
00:28:35,317 --> 00:28:40,687
but I had every intention of resisting havingintercourse until she said the words...
364
00:28:43,491 --> 00:28:48,656
For some reason, those words triggereda chemical reaction in my brain.
365
00:28:48,730 --> 00:28:51,164
And it was suddenly as if I had no choice.
366
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:00,571
I'm not sure why...
367
00:29:01,476 --> 00:29:04,309
... but the fact that her deliverywas so unconvincing
368
00:29:04,379 --> 00:29:06,506
just turned me on even more.
369
00:29:36,344 --> 00:29:38,073
There's something I have to tell you.
370
00:29:38,146 --> 00:29:41,809
I know.
You had sex with a prostitute.
371
00:29:46,054 --> 00:29:47,544
How'd you know?
372
00:29:49,924 --> 00:29:51,414
I can tell.
373
00:29:52,594 --> 00:29:54,186
You're not mad at me?
374
00:29:55,363 --> 00:29:57,797
No, I'm not mad at you.
375
00:30:01,636 --> 00:30:03,968
I think it was the right thing to do
376
00:30:04,038 --> 00:30:06,563
because now I've finally
gotten it out of my system.
377
00:30:10,812 --> 00:30:12,302
I love you.
378
00:30:12,947 --> 00:30:16,178
I know. Just please,
go take a shower.
379
00:30:38,807 --> 00:30:42,243
So, tell me what happened.
380
00:30:45,647 --> 00:30:47,911
I told her the whole story.
381
00:30:47,982 --> 00:30:51,941
But when I got to the part about
the intercourse, she got pretty upset.
382
00:30:52,020 --> 00:30:53,647
You had intercourse?
383
00:30:54,789 --> 00:30:56,279
Yeah.
384
00:30:56,357 --> 00:30:58,052
But I used a condom.
385
00:30:58,126 --> 00:31:00,356
You promised you weren't going to!
386
00:31:00,428 --> 00:31:02,396
I know, I'm sorry.
387
00:31:03,932 --> 00:31:07,527
I tried not to, but I couldn't help myself.
388
00:31:10,605 --> 00:31:14,666
She said the words "rape me,"
and I just got really turned on after that.
389
00:31:15,743 --> 00:31:20,544
Now, I think I should explain that this wasespecially difficult for Caroline to hear
390
00:31:20,615 --> 00:31:23,482
because she herself had been raped.
391
00:31:25,086 --> 00:31:28,954
I had hoped that being completely honestwould bring us closer together,
392
00:31:29,023 --> 00:31:31,457
but I had seriously miscalculated.
393
00:31:37,565 --> 00:31:40,466
I don't want to have sex tonight.
394
00:31:40,535 --> 00:31:42,935
I wasn't suggesting it.
395
00:31:43,004 --> 00:31:45,666
It's not to punish you, you know.
396
00:31:45,740 --> 00:31:46,729
I know.
397
00:31:46,808 --> 00:31:50,335
It's just, I need more time to get over it.
398
00:31:50,411 --> 00:31:52,845
I understand.
Take all the time you need.
399
00:31:54,215 --> 00:31:55,375
Thanks.
400
00:32:01,356 --> 00:32:04,018
I was surprised at how little timeit took for her to get over it.
401
00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:07,125
It only took three days.
402
00:32:08,763 --> 00:32:13,200
After that, everything seemedpretty much back to normal.
403
00:32:13,268 --> 00:32:17,432
Except for one thing...Caroline started having fainting spells.
404
00:32:19,340 --> 00:32:21,331
Caroline! Caroline!
What's the matter?
405
00:32:21,409 --> 00:32:24,742
I don't know.
I don't feel well.
406
00:32:24,812 --> 00:32:29,010
We went to see several doctors to tryto figure out what was wrong with her,
407
00:32:29,083 --> 00:32:31,574
but none of themcould ever find anything.
408
00:32:31,653 --> 00:32:33,280
She's perfectly fine.
409
00:32:37,926 --> 00:32:42,090
You know, it's been over two months
since we've had sex.
410
00:32:44,566 --> 00:32:47,364
If you want me to suck you,
I'll suck you.
411
00:32:47,435 --> 00:32:49,164
That's not why I'm saying it.
412
00:32:49,237 --> 00:32:51,899
I'm saying it because I think
maybe you're mad at me.
413
00:32:52,974 --> 00:32:57,502
I'm not mad at you.
I just haven't been feeling well.
414
00:32:59,047 --> 00:33:00,241
Okay.
415
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:09,055
Are you sure you don't want me
to give you oral sex?
416
00:33:09,123 --> 00:33:12,388
Caveh, I really don't feel well.
417
00:33:12,460 --> 00:33:13,654
Okay.
418
00:33:19,901 --> 00:33:22,301
This went on for a whole year,
419
00:33:22,370 --> 00:33:26,136
during which my desire to have sex
with a prostitute gradually returned.
420
00:33:47,161 --> 00:33:49,322
I tried to escape my marital unhappiness
421
00:33:49,397 --> 00:33:51,297
by throwing myself into my work...
422
00:33:51,366 --> 00:33:52,526
Higher!
423
00:33:54,002 --> 00:33:55,230
I said higher!
424
00:33:55,303 --> 00:33:58,067
... but I was unable to raise moneyfor any of my film projects.
425
00:33:58,139 --> 00:33:59,299
Higher!
426
00:34:01,709 --> 00:34:05,110
What's the matter with you?
Can't you jump higher than that?
427
00:34:10,418 --> 00:34:14,411
Out of desperation, I had appliedto film school back in the States.
428
00:34:23,031 --> 00:34:25,499
Soon after we moved to Los Angeles,
429
00:34:25,566 --> 00:34:29,229
Caroline confessed to me that shehad fallen in love with my friend Gary...
430
00:34:30,271 --> 00:34:32,796
... and then she fell in lovewith my friend Keith...
431
00:34:33,808 --> 00:34:37,141
... and then she fell in lovewith my friend Teddy.
432
00:34:37,211 --> 00:34:40,408
A week latershe and Teddy moved in together,
433
00:34:40,481 --> 00:34:42,881
and a year later they were married.
434
00:34:44,218 --> 00:34:46,379
This is the real Caroline.
435
00:34:46,454 --> 00:34:49,685
I asked her to play herself in the movie,but she declined.
436
00:34:51,426 --> 00:34:53,826
I tried to stay in touch over the years,
437
00:34:53,895 --> 00:34:57,854
but after a while Carolinestopped returning my calls.
438
00:35:00,334 --> 00:35:04,168
I realize I haven't made it seem
like I was in love with Caroline,
439
00:35:04,238 --> 00:35:07,173
but the truth is I really was,
440
00:35:07,241 --> 00:35:10,267
as much as I was capable
of loving anyone.
441
00:35:10,344 --> 00:35:13,245
I mean, I was only 26 at the time.
442
00:35:17,318 --> 00:35:22,187
After the break-up, all I could think aboutwas finding someone to have sex with.
443
00:35:36,204 --> 00:35:38,263
Hi, can I get in?
444
00:35:38,339 --> 00:35:39,636
How much?
445
00:35:39,707 --> 00:35:41,766
How much do you want to spend?
446
00:35:43,745 --> 00:35:44,905
Thirty?
447
00:35:44,979 --> 00:35:46,742
Okay. Can I get in?
448
00:35:46,814 --> 00:35:48,304
Okay.
449
00:35:54,088 --> 00:35:57,148
- Hi, my name's Candy.
- Hi, I'm Bob.
450
00:35:57,225 --> 00:35:59,955
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
451
00:36:16,944 --> 00:36:20,812
- Where are we going?
- Pull over right here.
452
00:36:36,164 --> 00:36:37,654
Can I have the money now?
453
00:36:37,732 --> 00:36:39,962
Oh, sure.
454
00:36:41,803 --> 00:36:43,498
Um...
455
00:36:43,571 --> 00:36:45,129
Do you have any change?
456
00:36:45,206 --> 00:36:48,334
No, but If you give me 40,
I'll make it extra good.
457
00:36:48,910 --> 00:36:50,207
Um...
458
00:36:51,813 --> 00:36:53,075
Okay.
459
00:36:56,951 --> 00:36:58,316
Look out for cops, okay?
460
00:37:16,170 --> 00:37:17,728
Bye.
461
00:37:28,416 --> 00:37:31,146
Afterwards, I felt euphoric.
462
00:37:33,087 --> 00:37:34,782
But by the time I got home,
463
00:37:34,856 --> 00:37:37,689
I felt empty and depressed.
464
00:37:38,492 --> 00:37:42,189
And I vowed never to have sexwith a prostitute again.
465
00:37:44,832 --> 00:37:46,265
But then a few days later,
466
00:37:46,334 --> 00:37:50,236
I found myself unable to stop obsessingabout that same prostitute.
467
00:38:07,121 --> 00:38:08,383
Wanna date?
468
00:38:08,456 --> 00:38:09,753
It was becoming a pattern.
469
00:38:09,824 --> 00:38:12,816
Every time I would have sexwith a prostitute,
470
00:38:12,894 --> 00:38:15,863
I would feel emptyand depressed afterwards,
471
00:38:15,930 --> 00:38:18,330
and I would vow never to do it again.
472
00:38:18,399 --> 00:38:22,358
And yet I honestly believed
that if I just did it enough times,
473
00:38:22,436 --> 00:38:25,803
my desire to have sex with a prostitute
would eventually go away.
474
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:54,665
And then I met Christa.
475
00:38:54,735 --> 00:38:57,363
I was walking down the hallwayat film school
476
00:38:57,438 --> 00:38:59,770
when I saw her for the first time.
477
00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:01,501
Hi.
478
00:39:03,144 --> 00:39:06,739
It was unusual for a womanI had never met to say hi to me.
479
00:39:07,615 --> 00:39:11,278
Because she did, I assumedshe wanted to have sex.
480
00:39:16,724 --> 00:39:19,716
And then a few days later,I saw her again.
481
00:39:28,469 --> 00:39:29,902
Excuse me.
482
00:39:31,305 --> 00:39:33,569
Do you know
how to open these?
483
00:39:33,641 --> 00:39:35,233
I can't figure it out.
484
00:39:35,810 --> 00:39:37,437
I can try.
485
00:39:41,549 --> 00:39:42,709
Here you go.
486
00:39:42,783 --> 00:39:45,013
It just twists off, huh?
487
00:39:48,322 --> 00:39:49,755
You like Capra?
488
00:39:49,824 --> 00:39:51,587
I love Capra.
489
00:39:52,727 --> 00:39:55,525
- Hi, my name's Caveh.
- Hi, I'm Christa.
490
00:39:55,596 --> 00:39:57,723
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
491
00:39:59,500 --> 00:40:03,630
So anyway, she invited me to a partyshe was giving that Friday night...
492
00:40:05,439 --> 00:40:07,907
... and I went,hoping to have sex with her.
493
00:40:11,045 --> 00:40:13,275
- Is Christa here?
- Yeah, come on in.
494
00:40:20,354 --> 00:40:23,016
I failed to get her to have sex with me.
495
00:40:24,458 --> 00:40:27,052
But I did get her to lend mea copy of her screenplay.
496
00:40:28,095 --> 00:40:30,120
It was one of the best screenplaysI'd ever read.
497
00:40:38,239 --> 00:40:41,504
And I felt that I had finally foundsomeone that I could relate to.
498
00:40:43,077 --> 00:40:46,012
I called her immediatelyand asked her out.
499
00:40:56,857 --> 00:40:58,484
It was then that it happened,
500
00:40:59,593 --> 00:41:03,051
I looked into her eyesand I saw her soul.
501
00:41:04,665 --> 00:41:08,567
Until then, she had just been someonethat I wanted something from.
502
00:41:09,737 --> 00:41:13,571
But at that moment I suddenlysaw that she was a real human being,
503
00:41:13,641 --> 00:41:16,542
with needs and feelings of her own.
504
00:41:17,978 --> 00:41:19,468
It scared the shit out of me.
505
00:41:29,857 --> 00:41:35,090
And then one night we were watching
Vivre Sa Vie by Jean-Luc Godard,
506
00:41:35,162 --> 00:41:37,926
about a woman who becomes a prostitute.
507
00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:41,334
You know what I heard?
508
00:41:42,103 --> 00:41:43,161
What?
509
00:41:43,237 --> 00:41:46,638
I heard that Godard has
a prostitute fetish in real life.
510
00:41:46,707 --> 00:41:48,538
Can you believe that?
511
00:41:49,076 --> 00:41:50,509
Yeah.
512
00:41:52,346 --> 00:41:56,476
I can't.
He seems so sensitive to women.
513
00:41:56,550 --> 00:41:58,040
Well, that doesn't mean anything.
514
00:41:58,119 --> 00:42:03,079
I mean, I'm sensitive to women,
and I have a prostitute fetish.
515
00:42:04,859 --> 00:42:06,656
You're kidding, right?
516
00:42:06,727 --> 00:42:08,422
No, I'm serious.
517
00:42:10,197 --> 00:42:11,721
I can't believe that.
518
00:42:11,799 --> 00:42:14,427
Well, it's true.
519
00:42:14,502 --> 00:42:18,461
Caveh, how is that possible?
I mean, how can you justify that to yourself?
520
00:42:18,539 --> 00:42:21,030
Well, I agree it's not
super spiritual or anything,
521
00:42:21,108 --> 00:42:24,043
but I don't think it's so terrible either.
522
00:42:24,111 --> 00:42:28,070
Caveh, it's like rape!
Those women have no choice.
523
00:42:28,149 --> 00:42:30,982
Everybody has a choice.
Or else nobody does.
524
00:42:31,051 --> 00:42:32,814
I can't believe you're saying this.
525
00:42:32,887 --> 00:42:34,616
Well, it's true.
526
00:42:36,957 --> 00:42:38,254
What are you doing?
527
00:42:38,325 --> 00:42:41,624
I'm sorry. I have to leave.
I feel like I'm going to be sick.
528
00:42:41,695 --> 00:42:44,357
Why, because I've had sex
with prostitutes?
529
00:42:44,431 --> 00:42:46,058
Caveh, you don't understand.
530
00:42:46,133 --> 00:42:49,967
I literally feel like
I'm going to throw up. I have to go.
531
00:42:52,039 --> 00:42:53,472
Christa!
532
00:43:00,915 --> 00:43:03,281
A few days later, I saw her again.
533
00:43:03,350 --> 00:43:04,840
Hi.
534
00:43:05,019 --> 00:43:06,179
Hi.
535
00:43:12,126 --> 00:43:14,526
- Still feeling nauseous?
- No.
536
00:43:15,362 --> 00:43:17,455
Sure you don't mind
being seen with me?
537
00:43:17,531 --> 00:43:19,226
Stop it.
538
00:43:19,300 --> 00:43:22,895
I'm sorry. I just felt like
you thought I was disgusting.
539
00:43:22,970 --> 00:43:24,938
I don't think that.
540
00:43:26,106 --> 00:43:28,506
It's not like I'm still doing it.
541
00:43:28,576 --> 00:43:30,669
I know. I'm sorry.
542
00:43:31,412 --> 00:43:33,573
I don't want to have to
hide anything from you.
543
00:43:33,647 --> 00:43:36,172
- Don't you want me to be honest?
- I do.
544
00:43:37,751 --> 00:43:39,582
Caveh, let's make up.
545
00:43:49,463 --> 00:43:52,193
A few weeks laterit was my birthday.
546
00:43:53,367 --> 00:43:56,768
And I convinced Christa to takeEcstasy with me to celebrate.
547
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,668
- Okay.
- Thank you.
548
00:44:05,546 --> 00:44:09,482
That night, we felt closerto each other than ever before.
549
00:44:09,550 --> 00:44:14,112
But Ecstasy isn't just a love drug.It's also a truth serum.
550
00:44:14,188 --> 00:44:16,088
I love you so much.
551
00:44:16,156 --> 00:44:17,714
I love you, too.
552
00:44:17,791 --> 00:44:19,759
- You do?
- I do.
553
00:44:22,930 --> 00:44:25,694
I don't want there to be
any secrets between us.
554
00:44:27,401 --> 00:44:28,891
Caveh, I don't.
555
00:44:31,071 --> 00:44:32,561
I don't either.
556
00:44:33,007 --> 00:44:35,669
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
557
00:44:35,743 --> 00:44:37,734
- You'll tell me the truth?
- Yeah.
558
00:44:38,779 --> 00:44:43,216
There isn't anything that you've never
told me before, is there?
559
00:44:44,518 --> 00:44:46,213
I can take it.
560
00:44:46,287 --> 00:44:48,755
- Yeah, there's one thing.
- What?
561
00:44:48,822 --> 00:44:51,882
I've been wanting to tell you
but I've been scared.
562
00:44:51,959 --> 00:44:55,861
- Caveh, you can tell me anything.
- Okay. Okay.
563
00:44:57,398 --> 00:45:00,799
- Sometimes when we're having sex...
- Yeah?
564
00:45:00,868 --> 00:45:03,098
...I fantasize about other women.
565
00:45:07,308 --> 00:45:09,742
Christa was devastated by my confession
566
00:45:09,810 --> 00:45:12,711
and became hyper-sensitiveabout other women.
567
00:45:14,782 --> 00:45:17,546
She would notice themeven before I would
568
00:45:17,618 --> 00:45:21,679
and immediately scrutinize my facefor any sign of interest.
569
00:45:21,755 --> 00:45:25,350
It was unnerving after a while.So I tried to be upfront about it.
570
00:45:25,426 --> 00:45:26,950
She's pretty sexy.
571
00:45:27,027 --> 00:45:29,689
She's more your type
than I am, isn't she?
572
00:45:29,763 --> 00:45:31,526
What are you talking about?
573
00:45:37,171 --> 00:45:40,766
And then one day I was on my way
to meet Christa for lunch
574
00:45:40,841 --> 00:45:43,207
when I decided to stop and get some gas.
575
00:45:51,085 --> 00:45:53,815
There was something about the waythe woman was bending over
576
00:45:53,887 --> 00:45:55,582
that turned me on.
577
00:46:06,033 --> 00:46:08,024
- Hi. I'm really sorry I'm late.
- Caveh, I've been waiting.
578
00:46:08,102 --> 00:46:10,935
I know, I'm sorry.
I had a little masturbatory episode.
579
00:46:11,004 --> 00:46:12,232
What?
580
00:46:13,874 --> 00:46:15,967
I had to stop for gas, and...
581
00:46:16,043 --> 00:46:18,511
Did you just say
"a little masturbatory episode"?
582
00:46:18,579 --> 00:46:20,171
Yeah. I had to stop for gas,
583
00:46:20,247 --> 00:46:23,683
and there was this woman who was
kind of bending over to put gas in her car,
584
00:46:23,751 --> 00:46:26,015
and she was really sexy,
585
00:46:26,086 --> 00:46:31,183
and I just got really turned on
at the way she was bending over,
586
00:46:31,258 --> 00:46:36,321
and I stopped at my apartment
so I could, you know, masturbate.
587
00:46:36,397 --> 00:46:39,195
But it was really no big deal.
I just thought I should tell you.
588
00:46:39,266 --> 00:46:40,426
I just...
589
00:46:47,474 --> 00:46:49,271
- I just don't want to talk about it.
- What about truth?
590
00:46:49,343 --> 00:46:52,574
- I don't want you to tell me every single day.
- Don't you want to know the truth?
591
00:46:52,646 --> 00:46:54,841
I already know these things
are happening, Caveh.
592
00:46:54,915 --> 00:46:57,475
I know you. I know you.
I understand you.
593
00:46:57,551 --> 00:47:00,042
And believe me,
it will be much better with us.
594
00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:01,519
Don't tell me.
595
00:47:02,689 --> 00:47:05,522
- I don't want to know.
- Okay, fine.
596
00:47:05,592 --> 00:47:07,082
Don't tell me.
597
00:47:09,062 --> 00:47:13,761
And then one night I happened to watch
a news program on massage parlors.
598
00:47:13,834 --> 00:47:17,292
Vice investigators saythey've recently found seven brothels
599
00:47:17,371 --> 00:47:19,396
masquerading as massage parlors.
600
00:47:19,473 --> 00:47:22,909
Police say these bustsare just the tip of the iceberg
601
00:47:22,976 --> 00:47:27,242
and that many massage parlorsare actually fronts for prostitution.
602
00:47:27,314 --> 00:47:30,681
This is Maya Ellingtonreporting for Channel 3 News.
603
00:47:44,231 --> 00:47:45,528
Want a massage?
604
00:47:45,599 --> 00:47:46,623
Um...
605
00:47:46,700 --> 00:47:48,827
Yeah. Um...
606
00:47:48,902 --> 00:47:50,699
How much?
607
00:47:50,771 --> 00:47:53,501
Forty dollars for half-hour.
608
00:47:53,574 --> 00:47:55,041
Um...
609
00:47:55,108 --> 00:47:57,167
Does that include everything?
610
00:47:57,244 --> 00:47:59,644
That includes a half-hour.
611
00:47:59,713 --> 00:48:01,203
Um...
612
00:48:01,281 --> 00:48:04,341
- Who gives the massages?
- Different girls.
613
00:48:04,418 --> 00:48:06,978
- Are you one of them?
- No.
614
00:48:07,054 --> 00:48:08,419
Um...
615
00:48:08,489 --> 00:48:10,286
Can I see what they look like?
616
00:48:10,357 --> 00:48:12,791
No. You have to pay first.
617
00:48:15,496 --> 00:48:17,623
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
618
00:48:17,698 --> 00:48:19,188
- I'm sorry.
- Get out of here!
619
00:48:19,266 --> 00:48:20,255
I'm sorry.
620
00:48:20,334 --> 00:48:22,302
You get out of here!
621
00:48:22,369 --> 00:48:23,893
Get out of here!
622
00:48:26,273 --> 00:48:29,174
I visited every massage parlor in L.A.
623
00:48:32,513 --> 00:48:34,447
At first, it turned me on
624
00:48:34,515 --> 00:48:38,110
just to grab the receptionists' breastsand get thrown out.
625
00:48:39,052 --> 00:48:42,920
But after a while, even thiswas no longer exciting enough.
626
00:48:45,225 --> 00:48:48,786
And then one day I had an idea.
627
00:48:57,237 --> 00:49:01,435
I think maybe the reason I haven't
been able to get over my prostitute fetish
628
00:49:01,508 --> 00:49:04,739
is because I've never really
gone all the way with one.
629
00:49:04,811 --> 00:49:06,176
What do you mean?
630
00:49:06,246 --> 00:49:08,680
Greg was my best friend at the time.
631
00:49:08,749 --> 00:49:13,846
We had met at UCLA and had madea few student films together.
632
00:49:13,921 --> 00:49:18,255
I mean, I've never really treated one
the way I do in my fantasies.
633
00:49:18,325 --> 00:49:19,758
Which is how?
634
00:49:19,826 --> 00:49:21,794
Which is pretty violent.
635
00:49:21,862 --> 00:49:25,559
Like in my fantasies
I'll grab whoever it is by the hair
636
00:49:25,632 --> 00:49:29,591
and I'll make her say things like
"I wanna suck your dick" and stuff,
637
00:49:29,670 --> 00:49:32,571
and maybe call her a bitch or a slut,
638
00:49:32,639 --> 00:49:36,575
and then start fucking her really hard
in the mouth and make her gag and stuff.
639
00:49:36,643 --> 00:49:37,905
Interesting.
640
00:49:37,978 --> 00:49:40,538
But in real life, I've never done that.
641
00:49:40,614 --> 00:49:42,445
Why not?
642
00:49:42,516 --> 00:49:45,451
Because I want them to like me.
643
00:49:45,519 --> 00:49:47,214
I see.
644
00:49:47,287 --> 00:49:51,417
So what I'm thinking is that maybe
if I went to a prostitute one last time
645
00:49:51,491 --> 00:49:55,086
and just did everything
I always fantasize about doing,
646
00:49:55,162 --> 00:50:00,031
then I think maybe I could get it
out of my system once and for all.
647
00:50:00,100 --> 00:50:02,933
Will they let you do those things?
648
00:50:03,003 --> 00:50:04,197
Um...
649
00:50:04,271 --> 00:50:06,205
I assume.
650
00:50:07,674 --> 00:50:09,665
Sounds like it's worth a try.
651
00:50:11,945 --> 00:50:13,435
It is, right?
652
00:50:13,513 --> 00:50:15,913
Yeah, give it a try.
653
00:50:15,983 --> 00:50:19,043
But I couldn't do it behind Christa's back.
654
00:50:19,119 --> 00:50:22,316
I mean, I had to tell her, right?
655
00:50:23,457 --> 00:50:24,856
Are you serious?
656
00:50:24,925 --> 00:50:27,621
Christa, I can't keep repressing my lust.
It's not healthy.
657
00:50:27,694 --> 00:50:29,685
What do you want me to do?
Say okay?
658
00:50:29,763 --> 00:50:31,287
- Yeah.
- Well, it's not okay.
659
00:50:31,365 --> 00:50:34,232
If you have sex with a prostitute,
it's over between us!
660
00:50:34,301 --> 00:50:37,498
Christa, please, try to understand.
It's just something that I have to do.
661
00:50:37,571 --> 00:50:40,301
I can't believe you'd be willing
to sacrifice our relationship
662
00:50:40,374 --> 00:50:42,934
just in order to fulfill some sick fantasy!
663
00:50:43,010 --> 00:50:45,001
I have no intention
of sacrificing our relationship.
664
00:50:45,078 --> 00:50:47,069
I'd be doing this
to strengthen our relationship.
665
00:50:50,183 --> 00:50:52,947
Christa, how is this constructive?
666
00:50:55,255 --> 00:50:58,588
The last thing I wanted was to lose Christa,
667
00:50:58,659 --> 00:51:01,389
so I decided to get professional help.
668
00:51:01,461 --> 00:51:06,865
My mother had like
a phobia about changing my diapers.
669
00:51:06,933 --> 00:51:12,872
So she had like this aversion
to, you know, diapers.
670
00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:16,204
Any recent dreams you can remember?
671
00:51:16,276 --> 00:51:18,210
Um...
672
00:51:18,278 --> 00:51:23,614
I had this dream
where I was sitting on the toilet,
673
00:51:23,684 --> 00:51:26,812
and then I was getting
smaller and smaller,
674
00:51:26,887 --> 00:51:28,650
and then I fell in.
675
00:51:32,526 --> 00:51:34,255
I need you, Mommy!
676
00:51:34,327 --> 00:51:36,818
- Louder.
- I need you, Mommy!
677
00:51:36,897 --> 00:51:39,195
- Harder.
- I need you, Mommy!
678
00:51:39,266 --> 00:51:41,166
- That's it.
- I need you, Mommy!
679
00:51:41,334 --> 00:51:43,529
- That's it.
- I need you, Mommy!
680
00:51:43,603 --> 00:51:46,766
- Louder!
- I need you, Mommy!
681
00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:49,172
But none of it seemed to help.
682
00:51:50,510 --> 00:51:54,071
Finally, after weeksof struggling to resist,
683
00:51:54,147 --> 00:51:57,275
I decided to do what I had beenstruggling for weeks not to do,
684
00:51:57,350 --> 00:51:59,875
even if it meant losing Christa.
685
00:52:09,162 --> 00:52:10,493
Take off clothes.
686
00:52:11,565 --> 00:52:12,930
Suck me.
687
00:52:12,999 --> 00:52:14,990
You give me money?
688
00:52:15,068 --> 00:52:16,296
Oh, yeah.
689
00:52:17,204 --> 00:52:19,764
Um, twenty now,
690
00:52:19,840 --> 00:52:22,570
and twenty later
if you do everything I say.
691
00:52:25,846 --> 00:52:27,746
No, standing up.
692
00:52:32,652 --> 00:52:34,313
Yeah.
693
00:52:37,724 --> 00:52:39,521
Yeah.
694
00:52:39,593 --> 00:52:41,891
Oh, wait.
First say, "I wanna suck your dick."
695
00:52:41,962 --> 00:52:45,762
No, wait.
First say, "I wanna suck your dick."
696
00:52:46,933 --> 00:52:50,198
No understand very good English.
697
00:52:51,605 --> 00:52:56,770
Say, "I want to suck your dick."
698
00:52:58,612 --> 00:53:00,375
No understand.
699
00:53:01,882 --> 00:53:04,180
Say "I"...
700
00:53:04,251 --> 00:53:08,381
No, wait. Say "I"..."I"...
701
00:53:08,455 --> 00:53:12,084
Say "I."
"I"..."I"...
702
00:53:12,159 --> 00:53:13,820
"I." Say "I."
703
00:53:13,994 --> 00:53:16,895
"I." Say "I."
704
00:53:16,963 --> 00:53:22,868
The fact that she had no idea what I wassaying took a lot of the thrill out of it.
705
00:53:22,936 --> 00:53:26,099
Okay, fine, just suck it.
706
00:53:31,645 --> 00:53:34,307
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
707
00:53:34,381 --> 00:53:38,374
Suck it. Yeah, suck it, you bitch.
708
00:53:38,451 --> 00:53:41,249
Yeah, suck it, slut.
709
00:53:41,321 --> 00:53:42,652
Yeah.
710
00:53:45,892 --> 00:53:49,328
Oh, yeah, you love it, don't you?
You little slut.
711
00:53:53,366 --> 00:53:55,425
Hold on, hold on.
712
00:53:55,502 --> 00:53:56,526
Um...
713
00:53:56,603 --> 00:53:58,366
Stand over here.
714
00:53:58,438 --> 00:54:01,373
Get over here. Yeah.
715
00:54:20,227 --> 00:54:24,288
Afterwards, the mostamazing thing happened.
716
00:54:24,364 --> 00:54:27,527
She patted me affectionatelyon the butt and said...
717
00:54:27,601 --> 00:54:28,966
Come again.
718
00:54:34,274 --> 00:54:38,574
I had gone there to express that patof myself which I was most ashamed of,
719
00:54:38,645 --> 00:54:43,139
and yet she had smiled at me afterwardswith acceptance and compassion.
720
00:54:43,216 --> 00:54:46,549
I felt that I had just hada mystical experience
721
00:54:46,620 --> 00:54:49,282
and that something inside mehad finally changed.
722
00:54:51,391 --> 00:54:53,621
That night I went over to Christa's
723
00:54:53,693 --> 00:54:56,457
to tell her that I was ready to bein a committed relationship.
724
00:54:56,997 --> 00:54:59,830
- What do you want?
- I want to get back together.
725
00:55:02,435 --> 00:55:05,302
Christa was understandably skepticalabout my transformation...
726
00:55:10,377 --> 00:55:14,837
... but I eventually managedto convince her that I was finally cured.
727
00:55:17,183 --> 00:55:19,515
Now at this point in the film,
728
00:55:19,586 --> 00:55:23,283
there's supposed to be a scene
in which Christa is giving me a blow job.
729
00:55:23,356 --> 00:55:25,722
Not a real blow job, a fake blow job.
730
00:55:25,792 --> 00:55:30,229
But the actress playing Christa
has refused to do the scene.
731
00:55:31,197 --> 00:55:36,362
Do you feel like it's domineering
or something to women?
732
00:55:36,436 --> 00:55:42,306
No, it's just something that I'm
not comfortable with doing on screen.
733
00:55:42,375 --> 00:55:43,967
Could you please do it anyway?
734
00:55:44,044 --> 00:55:45,204
No.
735
00:55:45,278 --> 00:55:48,805
So if you could just imagine
that she's giving me a blow job,
736
00:55:48,882 --> 00:55:51,851
and if you could also imagine
the following voice-over...
737
00:55:53,653 --> 00:55:56,850
And sex suddenly became very different.
738
00:55:56,923 --> 00:55:59,892
Instead of fantasizingthat Christa was a stranger,
739
00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:03,987
I tried to just be presentto what was happening.
740
00:56:04,064 --> 00:56:06,123
And it was overwhelming.
741
00:56:06,199 --> 00:56:09,032
I felt almost too loved.
742
00:56:09,102 --> 00:56:13,095
I couldn't believe that anotherhuman being could love me enough
743
00:56:13,173 --> 00:56:15,334
to actually want to take my penis,
744
00:56:15,408 --> 00:56:18,536
which I had alwaysconsidered ugly and dirty,
745
00:56:18,611 --> 00:56:20,340
into her mouth,
746
00:56:20,413 --> 00:56:23,177
or would be willingto swallow my semen.
747
00:56:29,956 --> 00:56:31,583
- Hey, sweetie.
Hi.
748
00:56:31,658 --> 00:56:35,116
I missed you.
How's it going?
749
00:56:35,195 --> 00:56:36,719
All right.
750
00:56:36,796 --> 00:56:38,286
Why, what's the matter?
751
00:56:41,468 --> 00:56:44,562
There's something I have to tell you.
752
00:56:45,338 --> 00:56:46,498
What?
753
00:56:48,875 --> 00:56:52,402
Remember I told you I was going
to see a movie with Robby tonight?
754
00:56:52,479 --> 00:56:53,810
Yeah.
755
00:56:56,549 --> 00:56:57,846
Well...
756
00:56:59,853 --> 00:57:01,480
Afterwards...
757
00:57:03,823 --> 00:57:07,350
I couldn't help myself,
and we started making out.
758
00:57:07,894 --> 00:57:10,454
What do you mean
you couldn't help yourself?
759
00:57:10,530 --> 00:57:13,829
I don't know. It just happened.
I wasn't planning it or anything.
760
00:57:15,635 --> 00:57:17,660
What do you mean by "making out"?
761
00:57:18,772 --> 00:57:20,899
We just like kissed and stuff.
762
00:57:22,308 --> 00:57:24,299
What do you mean "and stuff"?
763
00:57:25,812 --> 00:57:28,337
We just fooled around a little.
764
00:57:31,117 --> 00:57:32,675
And then what happened?
765
00:57:34,154 --> 00:57:36,952
I'm supposed to see him
tomorrow night for dinner.
766
00:57:37,023 --> 00:57:40,823
But I'm going to tell him I made a mistake
and I can't keep seeing him in that way.
767
00:57:42,762 --> 00:57:45,128
Caveh, I'm sorry.
768
00:57:50,970 --> 00:57:55,998
I felt incredibly jealous, but I triedmy best to transcend my feelings.
769
00:57:58,078 --> 00:58:01,570
I can't do this.
I feel like I'm kissing Robby.
770
00:58:01,648 --> 00:58:04,344
I feel I can taste
his saliva in your mouth.
771
00:58:05,518 --> 00:58:08,681
Well, how do you think I feel
when you have sex with a prostitute?
772
00:58:12,625 --> 00:58:14,252
I could see her point,
773
00:58:14,327 --> 00:58:17,728
and I knew that I had no right to be jealous
after everything that I had put her through.
774
00:58:17,797 --> 00:58:20,322
But I just couldn't help myself.
775
00:58:21,901 --> 00:58:24,096
That night, I called Robby
at 3:00 in the morning
776
00:58:24,170 --> 00:58:28,163
and I asked him as a personal favor to me
to please stop making out with Christa.
777
00:58:28,241 --> 00:58:30,436
And he agreed.
778
00:58:30,510 --> 00:58:33,206
Thanks, Robby.
I really appreciate it.
779
00:58:33,780 --> 00:58:37,409
But he lied.They made out again the next night.
780
00:58:37,484 --> 00:58:41,011
- You promised you wouldn't.
- I know. I'm sorry.
781
00:58:41,087 --> 00:58:43,180
What were you thinking, Christa?
782
00:58:43,256 --> 00:58:45,986
I don't know.
I just couldn't help myself.
783
00:58:47,594 --> 00:58:50,188
She was starting to sound like me.
784
00:58:50,263 --> 00:58:53,096
Christa continuedto spend time with Robby,
785
00:58:53,166 --> 00:58:55,157
and I just got more and more jealous,
786
00:58:55,235 --> 00:58:57,032
more and more needy,
787
00:58:57,103 --> 00:58:59,128
and more and more insecure.
788
00:59:00,406 --> 00:59:03,398
So we started going to couples therapy.
789
00:59:03,476 --> 00:59:06,741
So, Caveh,
what are you thinking right now?
790
00:59:13,219 --> 00:59:16,188
I was thinking that I'm attracted to you.
791
00:59:20,527 --> 00:59:23,928
Meanwhile, our fightingstarted to escalate out of control.
792
00:59:26,866 --> 00:59:31,963
And before I knew it, my desire to have sexwith a prostitute had returned.
793
00:59:38,278 --> 00:59:40,473
- How much?
- What do you want?
794
00:59:40,547 --> 00:59:43,710
- How much for a blow job?
- 50 bucks.
795
00:59:43,783 --> 00:59:45,444
Let me think about it.
796
00:59:53,092 --> 00:59:57,324
After that night,I started cruising regularly,
797
00:59:57,397 --> 00:59:59,228
sometimes until dawn.
798
01:00:02,202 --> 01:00:03,669
And then I met Devin.
799
01:00:03,736 --> 01:00:05,704
Austin, Texas
800
01:00:05,772 --> 01:00:07,205
Fuck.
801
01:00:07,273 --> 01:00:09,969
I had been invitedby the Austin Film Society
802
01:00:10,043 --> 01:00:12,443
to show a film thatGreg and I had co-directed.
803
01:00:13,746 --> 01:00:15,714
Devin was one of the organizers.
804
01:00:15,782 --> 01:00:16,771
Hey.
805
01:00:18,051 --> 01:00:21,350
That night we ended upgetting stoned together,
806
01:00:21,421 --> 01:00:24,447
and I found myself suddenlyfeeling very attracted to her.
807
01:00:31,531 --> 01:00:35,991
And then on my last day in Austin,we decided to take mushrooms together.
808
01:00:57,924 --> 01:01:01,826
Tripping with Devin was one of the mostmystical experiences of my life.
809
01:01:04,464 --> 01:01:06,864
I felt like weunderstood each other in a way
810
01:01:06,933 --> 01:01:09,060
that I had never thought possiblebetween two people.
811
01:01:24,484 --> 01:01:29,148
After we came down, I told her the wholestory of my relationship with Christa.
812
01:01:29,222 --> 01:01:32,089
You know, I bet she's
probably fucking Robby right now.
813
01:01:32,158 --> 01:01:34,922
- Caveh, you're crazy.
- Why am I crazy?
814
01:01:34,994 --> 01:01:39,055
Because you should be happy for her.
You should hope she's having a good fuck.
815
01:01:39,899 --> 01:01:42,629
You know, you're right. I should.
816
01:01:42,702 --> 01:01:45,068
You know, I don't even
believe in monogamy.
817
01:01:45,138 --> 01:01:47,936
Fuck, man, neither do I.
818
01:01:49,742 --> 01:01:52,267
It seemed to me that I hadfinally found the soul mate
819
01:01:52,345 --> 01:01:54,609
that I had been searching for all my life.
820
01:01:54,681 --> 01:01:56,774
Ow! What are you doing?
821
01:01:56,849 --> 01:01:59,579
You see, there's this person here,
his name is Caveh.
822
01:01:59,652 --> 01:02:02,120
He's real. He exists.
823
01:02:03,056 --> 01:02:05,957
- You mean me?
- Yeah, I mean you.
824
01:02:06,025 --> 01:02:11,156
Look, as noble as it is to try to sacrifice
yourself and your needs for her,
825
01:02:11,230 --> 01:02:14,529
you have to be true to yourself
because you're real, too.
826
01:02:15,068 --> 01:02:18,094
But the problem is I can't stand to hurt her.
827
01:02:18,671 --> 01:02:22,437
You're hurting her more by prolonging
a relationship that isn't working
828
01:02:22,508 --> 01:02:24,635
than by ending it right now.
829
01:02:24,711 --> 01:02:27,544
Yeah, but I'm also scared.
830
01:02:27,613 --> 01:02:32,073
I'm afraid of being lonely and horny
831
01:02:32,151 --> 01:02:35,917
and desperate and always on the prowl.
832
01:02:35,988 --> 01:02:37,250
I hate that.
833
01:02:37,824 --> 01:02:41,123
Those don't sound like very good
reasons for staying together.
834
01:02:41,194 --> 01:02:43,424
You're right.
835
01:02:47,166 --> 01:02:49,191
I agreed with everything she said,
836
01:02:49,268 --> 01:02:52,465
but I wondered whether Devin would
be able to accept my prostitute fetish
837
01:02:52,538 --> 01:02:54,335
any better than Christa.
838
01:02:55,508 --> 01:02:59,000
But Christa's really been trying.
I mean, I'm fucked up, too.
839
01:02:59,078 --> 01:03:04,243
Like, for example,
I have this prostitute fetish.
840
01:03:04,317 --> 01:03:09,118
Big fucking deal.
Everybody's got stuff like that.
841
01:03:09,188 --> 01:03:11,156
When Devin said those words,
842
01:03:11,224 --> 01:03:16,287
it suddenly struck me that it wasn'tmy prostitute fetish that was the problem.
843
01:03:16,362 --> 01:03:18,523
It was Christa that was the problem.
844
01:03:33,079 --> 01:03:34,842
On the way back to L.A.,
845
01:03:34,914 --> 01:03:37,849
I made up my mindto break up with Christa.
846
01:03:39,852 --> 01:03:42,878
We had been together for 3๏ฟฝ years.
847
01:03:44,090 --> 01:03:46,456
This is the real Christa.
848
01:03:46,526 --> 01:03:50,462
For the first few years after our break-upwe weren't on the best of terms.
849
01:03:51,264 --> 01:03:53,858
But now things are better between us.
850
01:03:53,933 --> 01:03:57,334
She's since gotten marriedand recently had a baby.
851
01:04:05,211 --> 01:04:08,510
After the break-up,I couldn't stop thinking about Devin.
852
01:04:10,483 --> 01:04:13,452
For the next month,I wrote to her every day.
853
01:04:15,188 --> 01:04:18,680
And when I received an invitationfrom two European film festivals,
854
01:04:18,758 --> 01:04:20,885
I invited Devin to come along.
855
01:04:26,132 --> 01:04:29,329
Our first few days together were idyllic.
856
01:04:32,071 --> 01:04:34,403
But then things got more complicated.
857
01:04:42,815 --> 01:04:44,442
I think she likes you.
858
01:04:44,517 --> 01:04:47,111
You think?
Definitely.
859
01:04:47,186 --> 01:04:50,747
I don't know. She's not really my type.
Not slutty enough.
860
01:04:50,823 --> 01:04:52,222
Yeah, right.
861
01:04:58,397 --> 01:05:03,494
You know, if you want to see prostitutes
while we're in Europe, feel free.
862
01:05:03,569 --> 01:05:06,436
You can just go,
"Hey, Devin, catch you later,"
863
01:05:06,506 --> 01:05:08,565
and go and do your thing.
864
01:05:10,810 --> 01:05:13,438
You know, I was thinking
about what you said earlier,
865
01:05:13,513 --> 01:05:19,474
and I just wanted to say that I really do
want to get over my prostitute fetish.
866
01:05:19,552 --> 01:05:21,076
You know, I do.
867
01:05:21,153 --> 01:05:23,519
But it did occur to me
868
01:05:23,589 --> 01:05:26,922
that maybe if I could get you to watch
while I had sex with one,
869
01:05:26,993 --> 01:05:28,824
that might be really healing for me.
870
01:05:37,436 --> 01:05:41,065
Caveh, that would be so intense for me.
871
01:05:41,140 --> 01:05:42,437
Really?
872
01:05:43,776 --> 01:05:46,301
Yeah, it would
873
01:05:46,379 --> 01:05:50,475
It's just that like a lot of it
has to do with shame,
874
01:05:50,550 --> 01:05:53,815
and I think that if you were watching,
875
01:05:53,886 --> 01:05:56,684
then it would be something
that we were doing together.
876
01:05:56,756 --> 01:06:01,750
And then I think that might help me
to not feel so much shame about it,
877
01:06:01,827 --> 01:06:06,958
and then hopefully like I wouldn't feel
the need to do it as much.
878
01:06:07,033 --> 01:06:09,160
The next day we rented a car
879
01:06:09,235 --> 01:06:12,602
and drove to Milan to see
Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper.
880
01:06:14,674 --> 01:06:15,971
Hey, a prostitute!
881
01:06:17,777 --> 01:06:19,972
Do you want to stop
and check her out?
882
01:06:20,046 --> 01:06:21,877
I don't know.
883
01:06:24,650 --> 01:06:26,618
Well, if you don't mind.
884
01:06:26,686 --> 01:06:28,881
Nah, go for it.
885
01:06:54,914 --> 01:06:56,882
So what do you think?
886
01:06:56,949 --> 01:06:58,541
Do you wanna watch?
887
01:06:59,151 --> 01:07:02,609
If it's really important to you, I will.
888
01:07:03,956 --> 01:07:05,719
Thanks, Devin.
889
01:07:05,791 --> 01:07:07,588
I really appreciate it.
890
01:07:21,907 --> 01:07:23,966
She doesn't want you to watch.
891
01:07:24,043 --> 01:07:26,068
So what do you want to do?
892
01:07:27,913 --> 01:07:29,244
I don't know.
893
01:07:33,252 --> 01:07:34,719
Let's just go.
894
01:07:34,787 --> 01:07:35,981
Okay.
895
01:07:56,242 --> 01:07:59,905
On our last day in Italy,I saw the girl from the boardwalk again.
896
01:08:08,554 --> 01:08:12,923
Her name was Paola, and it turned outthat she was an aspiring actress.
897
01:08:13,926 --> 01:08:17,327
She had seen my movie and liked it.
898
01:08:21,500 --> 01:08:22,626
Hey.
899
01:08:22,802 --> 01:08:24,702
Hey.
900
01:08:24,770 --> 01:08:27,898
- How'd it go?
- Great. She gave me her shoes.
901
01:08:27,973 --> 01:08:29,133
No way. Cool.
902
01:08:29,208 --> 01:08:31,176
Yeah, she saw my movie. We kissed.
903
01:08:31,243 --> 01:08:33,507
You kissed? Lucky you.
904
01:08:33,579 --> 01:08:35,979
It was an okay kiss.
Not like yours.
905
01:08:36,048 --> 01:08:37,413
Ohh.
906
01:08:38,317 --> 01:08:41,013
Mm. Did you even notice
how I kept on riding
907
01:08:41,087 --> 01:08:43,078
when you decided to go
and check her out?
908
01:08:43,155 --> 01:08:44,622
No, I guess I didn't.
909
01:08:44,690 --> 01:08:46,658
Yeah. I just wanted to point it out
910
01:08:46,726 --> 01:08:48,717
'cause I don't think most girlfriends
would have done that,
911
01:08:48,794 --> 01:08:50,955
just take off and let you do your thing.
912
01:08:51,030 --> 01:08:53,123
Yeah, I guess you're right.
913
01:08:53,199 --> 01:08:57,898
I'd just like a little appreciation,
'cause most girlfriends wouldn't stand for it,
914
01:08:57,970 --> 01:08:59,961
let alone make it easier for you.
915
01:09:00,039 --> 01:09:01,529
Yeah, that's true.
Thanks, Devin.
916
01:09:01,607 --> 01:09:04,405
- Yeah, right.
- No, I really appreciate it.
917
01:09:04,477 --> 01:09:06,104
Yeah.
918
01:09:06,178 --> 01:09:08,408
- But just do me one favor, okay?
- What?
919
01:09:08,481 --> 01:09:09,880
- Just one.
- Okay.
920
01:09:09,949 --> 01:09:12,509
Just don't fuck her in our bed, okay?
921
01:09:14,120 --> 01:09:15,212
Okay.
922
01:09:16,288 --> 01:09:18,518
I was surprised that she would care,
923
01:09:18,591 --> 01:09:21,856
but I chose to be touchedrather than alarmed.
924
01:09:24,497 --> 01:09:28,160
Paola had invited me to have a drinkwith her and her friends that night.
925
01:09:29,201 --> 01:09:31,669
I had asked Devinif she wanted to come along,
926
01:09:31,737 --> 01:09:34,001
secretly hoping she would decline.
927
01:09:35,207 --> 01:09:36,936
But she didn't decline.
928
01:09:38,210 --> 01:09:40,610
I couldn't decide where to sit,
929
01:09:40,679 --> 01:09:45,139
I wanted to sit next to Paola,but I felt I should sit next to Devin.
930
01:09:46,685 --> 01:09:49,483
I decided to compromiseby sitting next to neither,
931
01:09:49,555 --> 01:09:51,955
thereby remaining equidistant from both,
932
01:09:52,024 --> 01:09:55,187
like Christ in da Vinci's
The Last Supper.
933
01:10:08,007 --> 01:10:11,170
I'm going to head back to the hotel.
I'll see you later.
934
01:10:11,243 --> 01:10:13,006
Don't you want to go swimming?
935
01:10:13,078 --> 01:10:16,605
No. Why don't you go
with your Italian friend?
936
01:10:17,616 --> 01:10:20,107
I'd rather go with you.
937
01:10:20,186 --> 01:10:23,349
Nah, go with her.
See ya.
938
01:10:40,639 --> 01:10:42,334
Are you sure
you don't want to swim naked?
939
01:10:42,408 --> 01:10:44,103
Yes, I'm sure.
940
01:10:44,844 --> 01:10:46,436
No, it'll be fun.
941
01:10:46,512 --> 01:10:48,639
- No.
- Really.
942
01:10:55,321 --> 01:10:57,050
Are you sure you don't want
to sleep together?
943
01:10:57,122 --> 01:11:00,649
Yes, I'm sure.
But maybe when you come to Torino.
944
01:11:00,726 --> 01:11:02,353
Great, I'll probably be old by then.
945
01:11:02,428 --> 01:11:04,259
I'll write to you.
946
01:11:05,531 --> 01:11:07,158
Okay.
947
01:11:07,233 --> 01:11:11,499
And if ever you need someone
to act in one of your movies,
948
01:11:11,570 --> 01:11:13,197
just give me a call.
949
01:11:13,272 --> 01:11:15,604
That was the linethat made me hate myself.
950
01:11:15,674 --> 01:11:16,971
Okay.
951
01:11:17,042 --> 01:11:19,943
I felt like a sleazyHollywood film director.
952
01:11:25,351 --> 01:11:29,845
On the way home, I hada nightmarish vision of my future.
953
01:11:29,922 --> 01:11:34,859
I saw myself 20 years later,aging and still alone.
954
01:11:37,696 --> 01:11:42,531
By the time I got back to the hotel,I was feeling empty and depressed.
955
01:11:43,669 --> 01:11:48,197
All I wanted was to get into bedand snuggle up next to Devin.
956
01:11:59,852 --> 01:12:01,251
Devin!
957
01:12:04,490 --> 01:12:06,219
Devin!
958
01:12:17,703 --> 01:12:20,536
- So did you fuck her?
- No, I didn't.
959
01:12:20,606 --> 01:12:22,836
Why not? She wanted you.
960
01:12:22,908 --> 01:12:24,842
Not enough, apparently.
961
01:12:25,878 --> 01:12:28,540
Well, I almost fucked somebody.
962
01:12:28,614 --> 01:12:30,445
Who?
963
01:12:30,516 --> 01:12:32,643
Some dude that I met in a bar.
964
01:12:32,718 --> 01:12:34,583
Here.
965
01:12:34,653 --> 01:12:35,984
Sorry.
966
01:12:37,423 --> 01:12:39,550
I felt jealous and insecure,
967
01:12:39,625 --> 01:12:42,059
but I wanted to believethat Devin and I were engaged
968
01:12:42,127 --> 01:12:45,324
in a high-minded experimentin self-transcendence.
969
01:12:47,933 --> 01:12:50,697
The next day we flew to Munich.
970
01:12:52,838 --> 01:12:55,432
Fuck, I've got such a fucking hangover.
971
01:12:56,508 --> 01:13:00,205
Excuse me, miss,
can I have a scotch, please?
972
01:13:00,279 --> 01:13:02,042
One scotch?
- Yeah.
973
01:13:04,450 --> 01:13:08,443
- I thought you had a hangover.
- I do. That's why I need a drink.
974
01:13:09,154 --> 01:13:10,746
Is that a good idea?
975
01:13:10,823 --> 01:13:13,553
It's the only way.
976
01:13:15,394 --> 01:13:18,227
It's true.
I know what I'm doing.
977
01:13:20,199 --> 01:13:21,393
Okay.
978
01:13:22,768 --> 01:13:25,703
But this is my last drink.
I promise.
979
01:13:33,912 --> 01:13:35,379
You promised you weren't
going to drink anymore.
980
01:13:35,447 --> 01:13:39,440
Well, the guy kept buying me beers.
I couldn't really turn him down.
981
01:13:39,518 --> 01:13:42,453
- Why not?
- Free beers, man.
982
01:13:42,521 --> 01:13:46,958
It was starting to dawn on methat Devin had a drinking problem.
983
01:13:47,026 --> 01:13:48,516
Now, I should probably explain
984
01:13:48,594 --> 01:13:52,690
that the actress playing Devin
had a drinking problem in real life.
985
01:14:05,144 --> 01:14:07,908
The cause of and answer to
all of life's problems.
986
01:14:07,980 --> 01:14:10,210
But getting back to the story...
987
01:14:12,317 --> 01:14:15,184
Devin, stop it. You said that was
going to be your last one.
988
01:14:16,121 --> 01:14:19,352
Why don't you go fuck a prostitute
and leave me alone?
989
01:14:20,492 --> 01:14:24,929
Devin, what are you talking about?
You said you were going to stop drinking!
990
01:14:25,664 --> 01:14:27,529
I guess I changed my mind.
991
01:14:28,867 --> 01:14:31,631
Devin, I think you've had enough.
992
01:14:32,538 --> 01:14:35,200
Well, that's funny, Caveh,
because I don't think I have.
993
01:14:40,479 --> 01:14:41,969
Fuck!
994
01:14:42,047 --> 01:14:44,607
You fucking prick!
That shit's expensive!
995
01:14:52,491 --> 01:14:54,482
I was starting to miss Christa.
996
01:14:58,630 --> 01:15:02,225
That night, I spoketo every prostitute in Munich.
997
01:15:02,301 --> 01:15:03,290
Um...
998
01:15:06,839 --> 01:15:08,033
Blasen?
999
01:15:08,107 --> 01:15:11,042
- Blasen?- Blasen. Ja. Blasen.
1000
01:15:16,381 --> 01:15:20,841
After conversing with the street prostitutes,I made the rounds of the brothels.
1001
01:15:44,009 --> 01:15:47,536
There was one prostituteI found especially tempting.
1002
01:15:55,320 --> 01:15:57,788
I was dying to have sex with her,
1003
01:15:57,856 --> 01:16:00,222
but I managed to resist.
1004
01:16:01,560 --> 01:16:03,494
And I returned to the hotel
1005
01:16:03,562 --> 01:16:07,692
excited to tell Devinthat I had successfully resisted.
1006
01:16:12,538 --> 01:16:15,939
The next day the film festival organizers
1007
01:16:16,008 --> 01:16:19,944
insisted that we pay a $300 finefor damages to the room
1008
01:16:20,012 --> 01:16:22,879
and that we leave townimmediately after my screening.
1009
01:16:26,084 --> 01:16:32,023
I am not having another drink
for a long time, I can tell you that.
1010
01:16:34,293 --> 01:16:35,783
Well, good. I'm glad.
1011
01:16:40,866 --> 01:16:44,302
Devin had a bad hangoverand slept all afternoon.
1012
01:16:45,437 --> 01:16:49,237
It was our last day in Munich,so I decided to go sightseeing.
1013
01:17:02,254 --> 01:17:03,778
Cheers.
1014
01:17:05,057 --> 01:17:06,922
Fuck you, Devin.
1015
01:17:17,069 --> 01:17:19,037
Where are you going?
1016
01:17:19,705 --> 01:17:21,570
I'm gonna get a blow job.
1017
01:17:21,640 --> 01:17:24,131
Okay, I'll come with you.
1018
01:17:26,011 --> 01:17:27,569
I don't want you to.
1019
01:17:27,646 --> 01:17:30,274
Why not? I thought
you wanted me to watch.
1020
01:17:30,349 --> 01:17:34,376
Didn't you say you wanted your girlfriends
to watch so you could feel "accepted"?
1021
01:17:34,453 --> 01:17:36,648
Well, I'm mad at you right now.
1022
01:17:36,722 --> 01:17:40,180
Well, hey, pal, it's your big chance.
1023
01:18:17,095 --> 01:18:19,529
- Do you speak English?
- Yes.
1024
01:18:20,198 --> 01:18:21,187
Um, hi.
1025
01:18:21,266 --> 01:18:23,826
Um, I'm looking for a woman
who was here last night.
1026
01:18:23,902 --> 01:18:25,665
She had black hair.
Is she here?
1027
01:18:25,737 --> 01:18:30,436
She's going to be busy for another hour.
Maybe I can help you.
1028
01:18:30,509 --> 01:18:32,136
Um...
1029
01:18:32,210 --> 01:18:34,178
I was really hoping to see her.
1030
01:18:34,246 --> 01:18:35,679
I am very good.
1031
01:18:35,747 --> 01:18:40,047
I'm sure that's true,
but I need to think about it.
1032
01:18:40,118 --> 01:18:41,415
Okay.
1033
01:18:45,557 --> 01:18:47,855
I don't see the one I came for.
1034
01:18:47,926 --> 01:18:51,453
So why don't you get your dick sucked
by one of these?
1035
01:18:52,464 --> 01:18:55,160
Because I liked the other one better.
1036
01:18:55,233 --> 01:18:57,292
- Well, if she's not here...
- She is here.
1037
01:18:57,369 --> 01:19:00,566
She says she's with a customer.
She'll be done in an hour.
1038
01:19:00,639 --> 01:19:04,575
An hour?
We're going to wait an hour?
1039
01:19:07,079 --> 01:19:09,479
I need another drink.
1040
01:19:09,548 --> 01:19:13,075
Devin, we can't afford another drink.
1041
01:19:13,151 --> 01:19:15,619
What do you mean
we can't afford another drink?
1042
01:19:15,687 --> 01:19:19,179
You bring your girlfriend to a brothel
and you won't even buy her a drink?
1043
01:19:19,257 --> 01:19:22,590
Devin, we only have 200 marks left.
It's just enough for me to get a blow job.
1044
01:19:22,661 --> 01:19:24,652
It's not enough for a drink and a blow job.
1045
01:19:24,730 --> 01:19:27,221
Man, fuck you, Caveh.
I want a drink.
1046
01:19:27,299 --> 01:19:29,733
Devin, you haven't even finished
what's in your glass.
1047
01:19:33,271 --> 01:19:34,863
There, it's finished.
1048
01:19:45,217 --> 01:19:46,377
Here.
1049
01:19:47,519 --> 01:19:49,111
Thank you.
1050
01:19:49,187 --> 01:19:53,180
Excuse me. The woman
you wanted is available now.
1051
01:19:53,258 --> 01:19:54,589
Follow me.
1052
01:20:02,934 --> 01:20:07,098
I'm sorry, I was looking
for a different woman with black hair.
1053
01:20:07,172 --> 01:20:10,903
- She was here last night.
- She's not here tonight.
1054
01:20:14,913 --> 01:20:17,882
- That wasn't her.
- What do you mean?
1055
01:20:17,949 --> 01:20:19,849
The one I wanted isn't here tonight.
1056
01:20:19,918 --> 01:20:22,910
We waited a fucking hour
and she's not here?
1057
01:20:24,423 --> 01:20:25,651
Yeah.
1058
01:20:26,825 --> 01:20:29,259
So what do you want to do?
Do you want to go?
1059
01:20:31,730 --> 01:20:33,357
I'm not sure.
1060
01:20:34,232 --> 01:20:35,722
I can't decide.
1061
01:20:36,501 --> 01:20:38,901
Well, why don't you
fuck one of those?
1062
01:20:39,771 --> 01:20:42,001
I don't know.
I really wanted that one.
1063
01:20:42,073 --> 01:20:44,871
You know, I'm not that attracted
to any of the other ones.
1064
01:20:45,544 --> 01:20:48,843
We came all the way here.
You might as well do it.
1065
01:20:54,453 --> 01:20:57,547
So, you want to go upstairs with me?
1066
01:20:57,622 --> 01:21:00,716
Um, maybe. I'm not sure.
1067
01:21:00,792 --> 01:21:03,454
I can give you very much pleasure.
1068
01:21:03,528 --> 01:21:05,655
I'm sure that's true.
1069
01:21:10,402 --> 01:21:12,427
So, are you ready?
1070
01:21:12,504 --> 01:21:15,496
Um, I don't know.
I can't decide.
1071
01:21:15,574 --> 01:21:17,371
Maybe I can help you decide.
1072
01:21:17,442 --> 01:21:18,602
Um...
1073
01:21:18,677 --> 01:21:21,908
- What do you think?
- Well, it's certainly very tempting.
1074
01:21:24,216 --> 01:21:25,444
Where are you going?
1075
01:21:25,517 --> 01:21:28,645
Don't worry about her.
She'll be fine.
1076
01:21:28,720 --> 01:21:32,178
- Where are they going?
- She won't hurt her.
1077
01:21:33,191 --> 01:21:36,024
Um, I'm sorry.
I have to go.
1078
01:21:52,410 --> 01:21:55,208
Fuck you, Caveh!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
1079
01:21:55,280 --> 01:21:57,805
- Devin, calm down.
- Fuck you!
1080
01:21:57,883 --> 01:21:59,111
What did she say to you?
1081
01:21:59,184 --> 01:22:02,381
She was actually concerned
about me, unlike you!
1082
01:22:02,454 --> 01:22:05,184
She said, "Come with me,
and I'll take care of you
1083
01:22:05,257 --> 01:22:07,248
and I'll make you feel better."
1084
01:22:08,426 --> 01:22:10,155
Did she mean sexually?
1085
01:22:10,228 --> 01:22:13,686
It's all you can think about, isn't it?
1086
01:22:13,765 --> 01:22:15,392
Well, is that what she meant?
1087
01:22:15,467 --> 01:22:17,025
I'm getting out!
1088
01:22:17,102 --> 01:22:19,866
Devin, no, wait!
Stop it! Close it!
1089
01:22:28,880 --> 01:22:33,681
When we got back to the hotel,Devin insisted on giving me a blow job.
1090
01:22:33,752 --> 01:22:38,189
I told her I didn't want one,but she held me down and forced me.
1091
01:22:39,391 --> 01:22:42,952
I was scared the whole time thatshe was going to bite my penis off.
1092
01:22:46,698 --> 01:22:49,599
The next morning we flew to New York.
1093
01:23:01,079 --> 01:23:02,273
How much?
1094
01:23:21,600 --> 01:23:23,693
Let me pull it out for you.
1095
01:23:25,870 --> 01:23:27,462
Get down on your knees.
1096
01:23:27,539 --> 01:23:30,565
I'm not getting down on my fucking knees.
There's broken glass.
1097
01:23:30,642 --> 01:23:32,303
Oh. Sorry.
1098
01:23:49,394 --> 01:23:53,091
The next daywe went our separate ways.
1099
01:23:54,833 --> 01:23:58,599
I wanted to say "I love you,"but I couldn't.
1100
01:23:59,638 --> 01:24:04,940
But as I headed towards the gate,I felt able to say it and wanted to.
1101
01:24:06,544 --> 01:24:08,478
But it was too late.
1102
01:24:12,050 --> 01:24:14,109
This is the real Devin.
1103
01:24:14,185 --> 01:24:16,710
We remained friends over the years,
1104
01:24:16,788 --> 01:24:21,623
and she later appeared in a film I madecalled I Don't Hate Las Vegas Anymore.
1105
01:24:21,693 --> 01:24:25,151
By then she had alreadybeen diagnosed with cancer
1106
01:24:25,230 --> 01:24:29,030
and had just undergone chemotherapy.
1107
01:24:30,035 --> 01:24:32,230
She died three years later.
1108
01:24:41,746 --> 01:24:45,978
On the way home,I felt an overwhelming sense of loss.
1109
01:24:47,118 --> 01:24:48,881
Ever since I had met Devin,
1110
01:24:48,953 --> 01:24:51,444
I had believed that I hadfinally found the one person
1111
01:24:51,523 --> 01:24:53,457
who could accept me the way I was.
1112
01:24:55,994 --> 01:24:59,395
But now I realized that I had been wrong.
1113
01:25:01,433 --> 01:25:05,767
I had once read somewhere thateveryone who comes into our lives
1114
01:25:05,837 --> 01:25:09,705
is a mirror for something inside usthat we're not seeing.
1115
01:25:09,774 --> 01:25:11,571
So I asked myself
1116
01:25:11,643 --> 01:25:16,546
how Devin might be a mirror for somethinginside me that I wasn't seeing.
1117
01:25:17,082 --> 01:25:19,812
At first I couldn't see it.
1118
01:25:19,884 --> 01:25:24,014
Devin was an alcoholic,I wasn't an alcoholic.
1119
01:25:24,923 --> 01:25:29,292
But then it suddenly occurred to methat even though I wasn't an alcoholic,
1120
01:25:29,360 --> 01:25:33,319
I was kind of like an alcoholic about sex.
1121
01:25:41,339 --> 01:25:42,863
- Caveh?
- Yeah, hi.
1122
01:25:42,941 --> 01:25:44,306
Hi.
1123
01:25:44,375 --> 01:25:47,606
Back in L.A. I went to see a therapist
1124
01:25:47,679 --> 01:25:51,171
who suggested I attenda Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.
1125
01:26:31,689 --> 01:26:36,285
I scanned the faces of the other menin the room for signs of perversion,
1126
01:26:36,361 --> 01:26:38,454
but they looked just like anybody else.
1127
01:26:42,233 --> 01:26:44,428
Good evening, my name is Ken.
1128
01:26:44,502 --> 01:26:46,732
I'm a recovering sex addict.
1129
01:26:46,805 --> 01:26:48,466
Hi, Ken.
1130
01:26:48,540 --> 01:26:53,307
Welcome to the Monday night male-only
meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous.
1131
01:26:53,378 --> 01:26:55,346
This is a closed meeting.
1132
01:26:55,413 --> 01:26:59,076
Only those desiring
their own sexual abstinence, please.
1133
01:26:59,150 --> 01:27:00,981
In S.A.A., we define abstinence
1134
01:27:01,052 --> 01:27:04,510
not as the complete elimination
of all sexuality from the addict's life,
1135
01:27:04,589 --> 01:27:07,456
but only of those
compulsive sexual behaviors
1136
01:27:07,525 --> 01:27:11,291
that lead to pitiful
and incomprehensible demoralization.
1137
01:27:11,362 --> 01:27:12,920
We leave it up to the individual to decide
1138
01:27:12,997 --> 01:27:16,057
which compulsive behaviors
he wishes to abstain from.
1139
01:27:16,134 --> 01:27:17,931
I said that I'm a sex addict.
1140
01:27:18,002 --> 01:27:20,732
Are there any other sex addicts present?
1141
01:27:24,642 --> 01:27:27,634
Hi, everybody. My name's Sasha
and I'm a sex addict.
1142
01:27:27,712 --> 01:27:28,974
Hi, Sasha.
1143
01:27:29,047 --> 01:27:32,983
Last week I finally took all my porn
and I just put it in a garbage bag
1144
01:27:33,051 --> 01:27:36,646
and I just hauled it out
'cause I was just so sick of it.
1145
01:27:36,721 --> 01:27:39,315
And I think of all the hundreds
and thousands of hours
1146
01:27:39,390 --> 01:27:42,917
I'm wasting in my car cruising...
1147
01:27:42,994 --> 01:27:44,552
...staying in sex clubs all night
1148
01:27:44,629 --> 01:27:48,030
when there's absolutely nobody
that I want to have sex with at all.
1149
01:27:48,099 --> 01:27:52,832
And it really started to affect
my work, my marriage...
1150
01:27:52,904 --> 01:27:54,633
Everyone had a different addiction.
1151
01:27:54,706 --> 01:27:57,470
Ken was into gay bath houses.
1152
01:27:57,542 --> 01:28:00,909
Ron was a compulsive masturbator.
1153
01:28:00,979 --> 01:28:03,846
And Tom was a voyeur.
1154
01:28:03,915 --> 01:28:06,543
But their storiesall had one thing in common...
1155
01:28:06,618 --> 01:28:09,348
that the more they hadindulged their addictions,
1156
01:28:09,420 --> 01:28:12,116
the stronger their addictions had become.
1157
01:28:12,190 --> 01:28:15,318
I'm in my hallway and I'm bleeding,
1158
01:28:15,393 --> 01:28:19,489
and I just realized that that's it,
I'm at fucking rock bottom.
1159
01:28:19,564 --> 01:28:24,968
And I really need some support tonight,
'cause it's been a really hard week.
1160
01:28:30,241 --> 01:28:33,938
It's 9:15. This is the time
we usually set aside for newcomers.
1161
01:28:34,012 --> 01:28:36,879
Would any of the newcomers like to share?
1162
01:28:41,452 --> 01:28:42,817
Yes.
1163
01:28:52,230 --> 01:28:56,166
As you can see, I'm notvery good at crying on camera.
1164
01:28:56,234 --> 01:28:58,930
But I did actually break down and cry
1165
01:28:59,003 --> 01:29:01,767
at that first Sex Addicts Anonymous
meeting that I went to,
1166
01:29:01,839 --> 01:29:05,036
and I actually happened
to tape record the meeting.
1167
01:29:05,109 --> 01:29:09,569
And this is actually the tape
that I made at that first meeting.
1168
01:29:10,548 --> 01:29:13,517
This was in 1991.
1169
01:29:13,584 --> 01:29:15,882
And I'm just going to play it for you
1170
01:29:15,954 --> 01:29:19,856
so you can hear what it sounded like.
1171
01:29:21,659 --> 01:29:24,822
I feel really movedby what everybody is saying.
1172
01:29:24,896 --> 01:29:26,955
What's your name?- My name's Robert.
1173
01:29:27,031 --> 01:29:29,397
Hi, Robert.
1174
01:29:29,467 --> 01:29:31,401
I didn't use my real name.
1175
01:29:34,105 --> 01:29:35,299
I'm blowing my nose.
1176
01:29:35,373 --> 01:29:37,238
I used to be married and...
1177
01:29:41,746 --> 01:29:43,270
It's hard to talk.
1178
01:29:46,384 --> 01:29:49,012
I started seeing prostitutes and...
1179
01:29:50,488 --> 01:29:52,820
... it destroyed my marriage and...
1180
01:29:55,226 --> 01:29:56,693
Then I got...
1181
01:29:58,529 --> 01:30:00,793
... involved with somebody else and...
1182
01:30:02,567 --> 01:30:04,797
... that just ended recently...
1183
01:30:06,337 --> 01:30:07,964
... for the same reason.
1184
01:30:08,773 --> 01:30:11,139
Ooh, I hit the record button.
1185
01:30:12,276 --> 01:30:14,073
Anyway, that was, uh...
1186
01:30:14,979 --> 01:30:17,709
That was that.
I mean, there's more, but...
1187
01:30:18,783 --> 01:30:20,250
Let's go back to the movie.
1188
01:30:20,318 --> 01:30:23,583
I started going to meetingsregularly after that
1189
01:30:23,654 --> 01:30:27,715
and was eventually able to stophaving sex with prostitutes long enough
1190
01:30:27,792 --> 01:30:29,225
to get married again.
1191
01:30:31,329 --> 01:30:34,457
Unfortunately, that marriagedidn't work out so well.
1192
01:30:35,433 --> 01:30:38,561
Two years later, as our marriagewas falling apart,
1193
01:30:38,636 --> 01:30:43,266
I had sex with a prostituteand told my wife.
1194
01:30:43,341 --> 01:30:45,571
She filed for divorce soon after.
1195
01:30:47,211 --> 01:30:49,611
Hi, my name's Caveh.
I'm a sex addict.
1196
01:30:49,680 --> 01:30:51,204
Hi, Caveh.
1197
01:30:51,282 --> 01:30:52,909
It wasn't easy,
1198
01:30:52,984 --> 01:30:56,579
but after several more years of goingto meetings at least once a week,
1199
01:30:56,654 --> 01:31:00,249
I was eventually able to stop having sexwith prostitutes altogether.
1200
01:31:00,324 --> 01:31:04,192
It's hard to explain
how I was eventually able to stop.
1201
01:31:04,262 --> 01:31:06,822
It wasn't just one thing.
1202
01:31:06,898 --> 01:31:12,200
But the way I think about it is in terms
of the story of Orpheus and the Sirens.
1203
01:31:15,239 --> 01:31:17,867
The Sirens were these mythical creatures
1204
01:31:17,942 --> 01:31:20,137
whose singing was so seductive
1205
01:31:20,211 --> 01:31:23,578
that anyone hearing themwould go insane with desire.
1206
01:31:25,750 --> 01:31:29,413
Sailors would fling themselvesoverboard to try to reach them,
1207
01:31:29,487 --> 01:31:32,183
only to die upon the rocks below.
1208
01:31:33,724 --> 01:31:37,683
But when Jason and the Argonautshad to sail past the Sirens,
1209
01:31:37,762 --> 01:31:41,198
Orpheus, the greatest singerin ancient Greece,
1210
01:31:41,265 --> 01:31:43,199
came up with an ingenious idea.
1211
01:31:45,770 --> 01:31:47,897
He simply started singing.
1212
01:31:49,040 --> 01:31:51,565
And because his song was so beautiful,
1213
01:31:51,642 --> 01:31:54,805
the oarsmen had ears only for his song
1214
01:31:54,879 --> 01:31:56,972
and didn't even hear the Sirens.
1215
01:31:58,783 --> 01:32:00,910
And I feel likethat's what happened to me.
1216
01:32:02,286 --> 01:32:04,516
I heard a more beautiful song.
1217
01:32:16,567 --> 01:32:19,559
- And then I met Mandy.
- Hi.
1218
01:32:19,637 --> 01:32:22,538
- This is Mandy.
- We just went swimming.
1219
01:32:22,607 --> 01:32:26,668
We met in a dance classand fell in love soon afterwards.
1220
01:32:29,113 --> 01:32:31,946
We've been together for seven years now,
1221
01:32:32,016 --> 01:32:34,985
which is by far the longestI've ever been with anyone.
1222
01:32:36,888 --> 01:32:39,186
I love you, sweetie.
- I love you, too.
1223
01:32:39,257 --> 01:32:41,157
Now, I'm not saying we never fight.
1224
01:32:41,225 --> 01:32:44,217
Mandy, I was willing to talk about it.
You weren't.
1225
01:32:44,295 --> 01:32:46,286
We fight a lot.
1226
01:32:46,364 --> 01:32:49,197
Now he's in here and he's filming me.
1227
01:32:49,267 --> 01:32:52,703
But fighting no longer makes mewant to go have sex with a prostitute
1228
01:32:52,770 --> 01:32:54,897
or look for a new girlfriend.
1229
01:32:54,972 --> 01:32:59,739
Instead, I just hang in thereand really try to work it out.
1230
01:33:02,280 --> 01:33:05,272
I could go on and on
about how great she is,
1231
01:33:05,349 --> 01:33:07,340
but the wedding's about to begin.
1232
01:33:07,418 --> 01:33:09,318
Greg, let's do the boutonniere.
1233
01:33:36,781 --> 01:33:38,874
Are you ready?
Here we go.
1234
01:35:36,767 --> 01:35:38,735
One, two, three.
103820
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